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1
00:00:13,767 --> 00:00:14,527
(APPLAUSE)
2
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,167
You! You can take that look
off your face because
you know what you are?
3
00:00:19,133 --> 00:00:21,103
-You're scum, aren't you!
-AUDIENCE: Yeah!
4
00:00:22,333 --> 00:00:23,533
You probably think I'm
being aggressive! I'm not...
5
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:25,170
I'm being honest with you!
6
00:00:26,967 --> 00:00:27,627
MAN: And the winner is...
7
00:00:29,033 --> 00:00:31,633
that vicious tongued vixen
herself, Vivienne Vyle!
8
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,497
All I want to say
is yeah, I'm so proud of...
9
00:00:37,133 --> 00:00:41,803
us and Viv, obviously, and
she's not here and thank
you so much, it's beautiful!
10
00:00:44,300 --> 00:00:46,500
(VIVIENNE MUMBLING)
This programme contains
strong language.
11
00:00:46,833 --> 00:00:47,633
Jesus!
12
00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:49,130
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
13
00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:52,530
(BUZZING CONTINUES)
14
00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:00,073
Oh! Who the fuck is that?
15
00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:03,303
-Hello.
-HELENA: Hello! It's me!
16
00:01:04,233 --> 00:01:05,303
Come on, babe,
let me in, let me in!
17
00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:09,073
Oh, shit, fuck!
This time it's fucked!
18
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,170
Oh shit! I won't
forget it, maybe!
19
00:01:14,067 --> 00:01:15,697
Is she on anyway?
Hello, is that Emmy?
20
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,670
Oh, no! It's me! Oh, hi! Um...
21
00:01:19,033 --> 00:01:20,003
Hey, Viv!
22
00:01:20,967 --> 00:01:21,997
Hey, Viv!
23
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,730
-Aye!
-Hello! Right, I'm coming up.
24
00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:28,503
Hey, you and Jared Jones
aren't at it, are you?
25
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:34,273
I mean, I... I don't wanna
see any...I don't want to
see any private bits...
26
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:36,430
I don't wanna see no
front bottoms, all right?
27
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,100
Who's the dog,
who's the dog! Woah!
28
00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:41,467
Whoa!
29
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:43,600
Hello!
30
00:01:44,833 --> 00:01:46,233
Clever girl!
31
00:01:47,367 --> 00:01:48,567
Kiss, kiss!
32
00:01:49,367 --> 00:01:50,497
-What do you think?
-Gorgeous!
33
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:55,600
I don't know whose
fucking floor I ended up on,
but I got there somehow.
34
00:01:57,167 --> 00:02:00,267
-Tell me all about it!
-Yah, and I don't know
what's happened to my pants.
35
00:02:03,933 --> 00:02:05,203
Oh, fucking paps!
36
00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:08,370
Fucking paps!
37
00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:14,300
And everyone's got a fucking
camera phone these days, so
you know it's getting worse!
38
00:02:15,900 --> 00:02:18,530
Oh God, I mean, but there was
so much booze at this thing!
39
00:02:20,033 --> 00:02:21,473
Free booze and I just had
to celebrate because...
you weren't there!
40
00:02:22,233 --> 00:02:23,673
I know, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
41
00:02:24,633 --> 00:02:25,733
I mean I don't have
a fucking speech!
42
00:02:27,967 --> 00:02:29,127
I ended up thanking
just about everybody!
43
00:02:30,633 --> 00:02:33,533
-Good, good!
-You know, oh, God, there was
so much hash in the loos.
44
00:02:34,933 --> 00:02:37,473
Yah! Usual fucking suspects,
plus, plus, sorry
Lisa Scott Leigh?
45
00:02:38,467 --> 00:02:40,767
Who the fuck are you?
And the Cheeky Girls?
46
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:42,570
Fucking rude girls actually
47
00:02:44,067 --> 00:02:48,767
and, you know, with some
idiot there called Lemsip...
um... Toothpick!
48
00:02:49,333 --> 00:02:50,373
Oh, God!
49
00:02:51,833 --> 00:02:53,633
Steady! Careful!
50
00:02:57,633 --> 00:02:58,703
-Oh, fuck!
-What?
51
00:03:00,867 --> 00:03:01,727
-Is there a picture of you?
-Yes!
52
00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:05,430
-What?
-Oh, my God!
53
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:06,600
Oh, no.
54
00:03:07,633 --> 00:03:08,433
Oh, God.
55
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,330
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
56
00:03:14,533 --> 00:03:16,103
-Oh, that's so not funny!
-My God!
57
00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:18,070
I'm gonna piss myself!
58
00:03:18,967 --> 00:03:19,667
Oh, God, where's
the bathroom again?
59
00:03:21,533 --> 00:03:22,203
(JARED GROANS)
60
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:26,270
-They've had to pixelate her!
-Nothing you haven't fought
before, I'm sure.
61
00:03:27,767 --> 00:03:28,267
HELENA: Can I do
anything for you?
62
00:03:30,367 --> 00:03:32,527
For God's sake! She's like
a bloody puppy, darling.
63
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:37,800
Ah, yes. See, best of
both worlds, darling.
64
00:03:39,633 --> 00:03:41,233
You won the award,
but you didn't have
to prostitute yourself.
65
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:42,800
-Chris Connor.
-Chris Connor!
66
00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:45,003
I missed was seeing his face
when I won.
67
00:03:45,567 --> 00:03:46,127
Right. So the plan is...
68
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:51,797
Right. The plan is... Oh, um,
channel thrilled by the way.
69
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,400
Yeah! Channel thrilled,
thrilled channel.
Peter loves it!
70
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:56,130
BOTH: Peter? Who's Peter?
71
00:03:57,067 --> 00:03:57,327
I dunno! It doesn't matter!
Loved it!
72
00:03:57,867 --> 00:03:59,727
So we have to talk.
73
00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:03,997
-I'm not feeling
very well, Jared.
-Oh.
74
00:04:04,867 --> 00:04:06,327
Will you do Richard and Judy?
75
00:04:07,033 --> 00:04:08,003
-Yes, she will!
-Yes, I will.
76
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,100
Good, good.
77
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:11,627
And we're gonna do
a Paul O'Grady before
the end of season show
78
00:04:13,367 --> 00:04:17,127
which the channel says we can
do live, and, and...darling,
now we've got the award,
79
00:04:18,267 --> 00:04:19,167
because, darling...
80
00:04:20,833 --> 00:04:23,303
because now with the award
and everything, we can
do specials, yeah, yeah,
81
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,270
mini docs you know, like
celebrities with problems and
Jade, straight out of rehab.
82
00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:31,333
So Vyle, we have rehab!
83
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,530
You know, don't go to the press,
to Viv!
84
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,230
You won't be ON
Richard And Judy, you ARE
Richard And Judy, babe.
85
00:04:40,333 --> 00:04:43,103
-Dance number on Children in
Need. You know what I'm saying?
-God!
86
00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:45,003
Oh God!
87
00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:47,000
What's the matter, darling?
Why are you being weird?
88
00:04:47,867 --> 00:04:48,197
-Here.
-JARED: Can you keep it down?
89
00:04:48,733 --> 00:04:49,603
HELENA: No, no, no!
90
00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:52,000
-She's just hung over.
-Are you ill?
91
00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:56,330
Oh, no! Don't throw up!
92
00:04:57,267 --> 00:04:58,767
Don't throw up!
No... Jared!
93
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:00,467
-What's the matter, Viv?
-(VIVIENNE GROANS)
94
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:03,070
You not well?
You're probably
getting the flu.
95
00:05:03,833 --> 00:05:04,603
Look, she's just hung over.
96
00:05:05,433 --> 00:05:06,273
This isn't a hangover!
This is...
97
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,130
I understand a hangover,
this is separate.
98
00:05:09,133 --> 00:05:11,303
There's hangover, this is...
something else.
99
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:13,100
No, you cannot be ill!
100
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:16,600
No, not now, not today!
Now come on!
101
00:05:17,633 --> 00:05:18,573
Get her a fucking Beecham!
Oh, for God's sake!
102
00:05:22,900 --> 00:05:24,170
Right, I'll see you later.
103
00:05:25,833 --> 00:05:29,373
Stay with her.
Get her well, get her ready,
don't let her be ill.
104
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,470
Fuck! Where am I going?
105
00:05:35,133 --> 00:05:36,733
Home first? No.
Office first? No!
106
00:05:38,233 --> 00:05:40,203
OK, OK. Office, first.
Yep. Bye. Yep.
107
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:41,330
(DEEP SIGH)
108
00:05:43,533 --> 00:05:45,603
-Great night! What did
you do after I left?
-Did you leave?
109
00:05:46,667 --> 00:05:49,167
Oh, yeah! With "the wife"!
110
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:52,073
Don't do that! She is my wife!
111
00:05:53,433 --> 00:05:56,433
Yeah, I copped off
with this bird from
the papers...3:AM bird.
112
00:05:58,167 --> 00:06:00,597
The black one.
She was all over me.
Fucking brilliant!
113
00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:04,230
He stayed at my
place on my sofa.
114
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:07,800
He made a pass at me
at two in the morning and
even I turned him down!
115
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:11,000
You're desperate!
116
00:06:12,733 --> 00:06:16,073
Viv, you're married to
the husband of the award-
winning Vivienne Vyle!
117
00:06:17,833 --> 00:06:18,533
I like that!
118
00:06:20,633 --> 00:06:21,733
(SIGHS)
119
00:06:31,867 --> 00:06:33,227
Do you know
who Vivienne Vyle is?
120
00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:35,200
I am fucking Vivienne Vyle!
121
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:37,130
What have you got
to say for yourself?
122
00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:40,230
You shut up! You're on
the Vivienne Vyle Show!
123
00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:41,427
I do the talking.
124
00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:43,670
But I know what I am doing!
125
00:06:44,867 --> 00:06:46,067
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
126
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,103
Get it off! Get it off!
127
00:06:50,267 --> 00:06:51,597
It's all right, darling.
It's just the award.
Calm down.
128
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:52,727
Just a dream, darling.
129
00:06:53,533 --> 00:06:54,233
You're all right.
I'm here now.
130
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:56,630
What was it?
My God, what did you
put in that Beechams?
131
00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:58,633
-What?
-I need a pee.
132
00:06:59,067 --> 00:06:59,727
What time is it?
133
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,100
-You've been asleep
for half an hour.
-Oh, I need a pee.
134
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:04,170
-What do you want me to do?
-Just get out the way.
135
00:07:04,733 --> 00:07:05,303
All right, darling.
136
00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:08,227
-Oh-h...!
-Viv?
137
00:07:08,833 --> 00:07:10,073
Oh, God!
138
00:07:10,967 --> 00:07:12,067
-Oh, my God!
-Viv!
139
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,267
-Ooh ooh ooh!
-Careful!
140
00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:18,027
Ooh, ooh.
141
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:22,300
Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo...
142
00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:23,430
Ooh! Ooh!
143
00:07:24,467 --> 00:07:25,267
God!
144
00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:29,200
Oh, Christ almighty!
145
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,767
Why? Why?
146
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,100
I told you not to
buy this building.
147
00:07:34,967 --> 00:07:36,127
I told you this flat was wrong.
148
00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:39,197
-Come on, Viv!
Pick yourself up!
-No!
149
00:07:40,033 --> 00:07:41,573
Award-winning
Vivienne Vyle, huh?
150
00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:43,670
This building is perfectly safe!
151
00:07:44,667 --> 00:07:45,567
Look, it's a perfectly
strong building. Look!
152
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,470
No, stop that!
Don't do that,
you fucking idiot!
153
00:07:49,633 --> 00:07:51,073
-Everything is now moving!
-All right, Viv, come on!
154
00:07:51,967 --> 00:07:52,767
-We've got a big day,
come on.
-No.
155
00:07:53,967 --> 00:07:55,327
I'll pick you out
something lovely to wear.
156
00:08:12,633 --> 00:08:13,303
You all right?
157
00:08:15,567 --> 00:08:17,567
As well as can be
expected after drinking
poor quality wine.
158
00:08:18,967 --> 00:08:21,227
It's always the lack of
quality that gives you
the hangover, isn't it?
159
00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:29,200
Right, I'm sure you
all know a lot more
160
00:08:31,033 --> 00:08:34,573
about what went on
last night than I do,
so please don't fill me in.
161
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:35,670
All I can say is...
162
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,200
...result!
163
00:08:39,967 --> 00:08:41,327
And well done
team, perhaps?
164
00:08:41,767 --> 00:08:42,427
Damien, coffee?
165
00:09:04,867 --> 00:09:05,627
Hello, yes.
166
00:09:06,367 --> 00:09:07,067
It's Jared.
167
00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:09,097
Now what?
168
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:11,000
Oh, Jesus!
169
00:09:12,267 --> 00:09:13,097
Yeah?
170
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,130
Oh, what now?!
171
00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:19,800
Well, get a doctor,
get her better,
172
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:23,400
get her dressed and
get her in a car!
Viv can't stand up.
173
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:26,300
-Well, it ain't from
shagging, is it?
-God! You're obsessed!
174
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,530
I mean it's all
you ever talk about, probably
because you don't get any.
175
00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:31,570
I mean even Carol
wasn't interested!
176
00:09:32,233 --> 00:09:33,633
Na! She was all over me.
177
00:09:34,767 --> 00:09:36,297
-In your dreams!
-Oi!
178
00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:38,027
Hang on! Look!
179
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,670
Um...Viv can't stand up.
180
00:09:41,533 --> 00:09:42,403
-Oh.
-Speak to Jared.
181
00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:48,333
Look, Jared, Jared,
I'll sort something out.
182
00:09:49,033 --> 00:09:49,633
I'll call you back.
183
00:09:51,333 --> 00:09:52,133
What?
184
00:09:54,333 --> 00:09:56,203
She's dizzy and she can't
stand up, keeps falling over.
185
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,800
You mean like vertigo?
186
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:00,700
I suppose so, yeah.
187
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:04,100
Well, that's very serious
then, actually.
188
00:10:05,233 --> 00:10:06,673
I think we should go
and talk about this, Helena.
189
00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:12,327
We don't want Viv ill,
so I don't want anyone
to worry about Viv at all
190
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:16,430
and we're just gonna
sort this out in the
meeting room, Helena.
191
00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:17,567
Yeah! Whatever!
192
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:22,030
Vertigo can be lethal in
the wrong hands, so let's...
193
00:10:23,333 --> 00:10:24,533
just sort all this out,
shall we?
194
00:10:37,367 --> 00:10:38,527
Well, I think you
should go round...
195
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:41,330
or do we need a real doctor?
196
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,230
Well, I actually don't want to
go round there.
197
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:46,097
Right. Well,
this is a nightmare.
198
00:10:47,833 --> 00:10:49,033
You see, she always does
this, she always gets ill
199
00:10:50,167 --> 00:10:51,567
and she's always having
check-ups and guess what?
200
00:10:52,367 --> 00:10:53,567
She's never ill!
201
00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:56,003
So she gets ill when she's...
202
00:10:57,900 --> 00:10:59,200
-emotionally under pressure?
-Yeah!
203
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,400
So you talk to her,
get her better.
204
00:11:03,433 --> 00:11:04,303
Well, I can't do it
on the phone.
205
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,000
Well, use Skype.
206
00:11:09,933 --> 00:11:12,503
Naomi, get the video
conferencing up and
running in Viv's flat.
207
00:11:12,967 --> 00:11:13,697
Tell Jared.
208
00:11:24,233 --> 00:11:25,033
Hello!
209
00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:27,673
Hello?
210
00:11:44,533 --> 00:11:45,373
It's your pants.
211
00:11:53,533 --> 00:11:54,233
What's that?
212
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:56,070
(FEEDBACK HOWLS)
213
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:57,203
It's coming through.
214
00:11:57,867 --> 00:11:58,727
Oh, gosh. Can you see me?
215
00:11:59,633 --> 00:12:00,773
Yeah, yeah, I can see you.
Where's Viv?
216
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,170
-I'll go and get her.
-No, I'll talk to you.
How is she?
217
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:08,530
Oh, she's ill!
It's like seasickness.
218
00:12:10,267 --> 00:12:12,497
She says the room's
spinning around and she's
crawling along the floor.
219
00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:14,697
So you're saying... Sorry.
220
00:12:15,533 --> 00:12:16,673
You're saying she's ill,
she's not ill?
221
00:12:18,033 --> 00:12:18,773
-What are you saying?
-Well, she's always ill.
222
00:12:20,467 --> 00:12:21,527
Well, yes...that's because
she's been rather
like a hypochondriac.
223
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,170
What? So you're saying
she's not ill?
224
00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:27,727
Darling! Jonathan says
you're not ill, you're just
a hypochondriac!
225
00:12:33,900 --> 00:12:34,530
Where's he gone?
226
00:12:34,967 --> 00:12:35,997
Oh, my God!
227
00:12:37,733 --> 00:12:39,233
-My God, what's she doing?
-No, this is what she does!
228
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,570
Christ, she looks rough!
229
00:12:42,833 --> 00:12:44,103
She hasn't got any make-up on,
all right! Leave her alone!
230
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:47,800
Get back to your desks now!
231
00:12:48,733 --> 00:12:49,573
Go on! Stop looking at her!
232
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:51,400
It's none of your business!
233
00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:53,773
If wasn't for her,
you wouldn't have a job!
234
00:12:54,867 --> 00:12:56,067
-JARED: You've got to come down.
-Have I?
235
00:12:56,700 --> 00:12:57,600
-Yes, darling!
-Slowly!
236
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,330
And you think I'm not ill?
237
00:13:01,467 --> 00:13:03,467
She is so beautiful!
238
00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:06,227
Yeah.
239
00:13:09,633 --> 00:13:11,503
You think this is
all in my head?
240
00:13:12,733 --> 00:13:14,333
It feels like the whole
building's about to collapse!
241
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:17,170
I said to Jared when
we bought this place,
242
00:13:18,367 --> 00:13:19,767
I said, you want to go down
near the lifts and have a look.
243
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:23,497
I mean hardly any of
the building is actually
touching the ground...
244
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,700
It's little pillars, isn't it?
245
00:13:26,267 --> 00:13:27,127
Oh, God!
246
00:13:30,367 --> 00:13:31,667
-How's my blood pressure?
-Maybe it's just anxiety, Viv.
247
00:13:32,633 --> 00:13:34,403
It's not anxiety!
I don't get anxiety.
248
00:13:35,667 --> 00:13:37,997
This is something.
This is something,
isn't it? I get things.
249
00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:40,227
She does. She gets things.
She catches everything!
250
00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:43,200
-Better up the insurance.
-Anyway, I haven't got
a heart problem.
251
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:44,530
We know I haven't
got a heart problem.
252
00:13:45,467 --> 00:13:47,367
No, because we check
her heart all the time.
253
00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:49,530
I mean we're not anxious people.
254
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:53,230
VIVIENNE: It'll be some
deep underlying problem,
that's what I'm thinking...
255
00:13:54,933 --> 00:13:56,073
-It's stress related.
-It's not menopause!
256
00:13:57,167 --> 00:13:59,397
The only other thing would be
hepatitis or cancer.
257
00:14:00,167 --> 00:14:02,327
So you think you've got cancer?
258
00:14:03,333 --> 00:14:05,133
Darling, I need you
to pee into this, right?
259
00:14:06,767 --> 00:14:09,327
I'm gonna do a test for
diabetes and menopause.
Leave it with you. Quickly!
260
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,430
It could be.
I've got a lump in my ear.
261
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:12,667
Look.
262
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:15,330
See this lump here? See?
263
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:17,270
Can you see my ear?
264
00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:20,127
She's certainly not gonna hear
anybody if she doesn't want to!
265
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:23,500
-Did you see? Is that cancer?
It's right where...
-I can't see anything at all.
266
00:14:24,467 --> 00:14:25,327
...my mobile phone goes,
you see, if I...
267
00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:28,297
You think you've got ear cancer?
268
00:14:28,967 --> 00:14:29,597
All right, darling, come on.
269
00:14:30,467 --> 00:14:31,627
-Don't walk so fast!
-Yes, all right.
270
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,700
-We're just gonna move
into the kitchen. All right.
-Slowly, slowly, slowly!
271
00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:37,027
I'm going as slow
as I can, darling.
272
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,100
Up you get! You can do it!
Can you see Dr Jonathan?
273
00:14:41,233 --> 00:14:43,133
-Can you see Jonathan, darling?
-OK.
274
00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:45,330
Oh, God!
275
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,030
How come you and Jared weren't
at the awards last night?
276
00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:50,627
Oh, God.
277
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:52,230
Oh, God!
278
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,800
You really missed a bit of a do.
279
00:14:59,267 --> 00:15:00,097
I have it in supermarkets,
don't I?
280
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,730
Because once you found
me propped up against
the support tights in C&A.
281
00:15:04,867 --> 00:15:05,427
-Marks and Spencer's, darling!
-Marks and Spencer's.
282
00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:07,673
How long have you been
having these attacks, Viv?
283
00:15:08,333 --> 00:15:09,503
As long as I can remember!
284
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,270
Yes. Since childhood, maybe?
285
00:15:11,833 --> 00:15:12,573
Yeah, childhood.
286
00:15:14,333 --> 00:15:16,603
Can you just tell me a little
bit about your symptoms.
287
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:19,700
I'm gonna try and lie down.
288
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:24,400
What happens is,
it's like now...
289
00:15:25,233 --> 00:15:26,173
the whole world...
290
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,530
feels like it's tippy.
291
00:15:29,233 --> 00:15:30,803
Can I get you a coffee?
292
00:15:32,333 --> 00:15:33,233
Yes, please.
293
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:35,667
It's sort of tipping
on its axis...
294
00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:37,327
-Do you take milk?
-Oh, yes.
295
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:38,997
...and I feel very, very dizzy.
296
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:42,070
-No sugar!
-There's a tight...
297
00:15:43,533 --> 00:15:44,303
Thank you.
298
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,270
I can't breathe and my head,
my head is just...
299
00:15:58,733 --> 00:16:00,333
-What do you reckon's in
the little bag on the table?
-I dunno.
300
00:16:01,533 --> 00:16:03,733
-Oh it's her pants!
-Oh, stop it!
You're disgusting!
301
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:05,000
Well, what do you think?
302
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,570
I can't see anything!
I can't see ahead of me and
I just can't think straight.
303
00:16:10,933 --> 00:16:13,503
-So you feel unbalanced?
-What does it fucking
look like I feel?
304
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:15,567
The triggers...
305
00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:18,800
they tend to be when
you've got too much on maybe?
306
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:20,170
Maybe too much?
307
00:16:20,933 --> 00:16:21,703
No. I don't like what you're...
308
00:16:22,967 --> 00:16:24,497
No, no, no.
I know what you're thinking.
309
00:16:26,033 --> 00:16:27,433
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking
that this is stress.
310
00:16:28,433 --> 00:16:29,303
It's not. It's not stress.
I love stress.
311
00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:31,070
I thrive on it, don't I?
312
00:16:32,567 --> 00:16:34,727
Yes, she does.
She thrives on stress.
313
00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:37,200
All right darling.
Come on. Fill it, quickly!
314
00:16:46,867 --> 00:16:47,427
D'you need any help?
315
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,530
No. I'm fine.
I'm just making some...
316
00:16:52,633 --> 00:16:53,803
I've done that...right, coffee.
317
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,130
-How does it go?
-It's the other way.
318
00:16:57,667 --> 00:16:58,467
No the other way.
319
00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:04,127
Hello, darling.
320
00:17:06,033 --> 00:17:07,073
Sorry, I think
I'm a bit dehydrated.
321
00:17:08,167 --> 00:17:10,027
It's the best I can do here.
It's just a dribble.
322
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,770
-I think I can give a diagnosis.
-He's just told me to...
323
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,500
-Somatisation.
-Is that a medical diagnosis?
324
00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:17,697
JARED: I've heard of that!
325
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,130
Oh, thank God!
326
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:23,800
It's not really
a medical diagnosis.
327
00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:26,227
It doesn't matter!
It's what she wants to hear!
328
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:28,427
All right, darling. Well, done.
329
00:17:32,233 --> 00:17:32,603
-Thanks.
-What are you doing?
330
00:17:34,933 --> 00:17:37,203
Putting together the
highlights of Squirrel Watch,
which is a challenge!
331
00:17:40,933 --> 00:17:41,473
What's going on in there?
332
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,100
Oh! Viv's just having
one of her funny turns.
333
00:17:45,667 --> 00:17:46,327
She'll be fine.
334
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:49,197
D'you reckon they did it, then?
335
00:17:50,767 --> 00:17:52,227
-Who?
-Jonathan and Helena!
336
00:17:53,667 --> 00:17:54,467
Don't know, don't care.
337
00:17:58,633 --> 00:18:00,103
-You're a funny one!
-Hmm?
338
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:01,697
Do you still fancy her?
339
00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:04,033
I'm married.
340
00:18:09,333 --> 00:18:10,733
I have got it!
I'm a somatiser, I'm afraid.
341
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:12,670
-I'm a somatite, I am!
-Ooh, darling!
342
00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:13,767
Well, done!
343
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:18,500
The symptoms, they
have emotional and
psychological roots.
344
00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:20,627
Now I think we need
to start talking.
345
00:18:22,467 --> 00:18:23,227
OK, about what?
346
00:18:24,167 --> 00:18:25,427
Well, what about the award?
What did...
347
00:18:26,633 --> 00:18:27,373
What did that mean to you?
348
00:18:29,633 --> 00:18:30,503
It doesn't have to mean
anything, does it?
349
00:18:31,733 --> 00:18:32,773
It doesn't mean anything!
350
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:35,600
I mean it means nothing,
a bloody award!
351
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,300
Nothing! It means nothing!
It's just...
352
00:18:42,267 --> 00:18:43,567
- It's meaningless!
-When you look at me,
what do you see?
353
00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:48,533
I see a beautiful,
vulnerable woman.
354
00:18:49,633 --> 00:18:50,503
(VIVIENNE KEEPS ON TALKING)
355
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:53,700
I can't be fixed, you know.
356
00:18:55,633 --> 00:18:56,673
-Lots of people have tried!
- ...slap on the back!
357
00:18:58,033 --> 00:18:59,503
It doesn't mean anything!
What do you mean?
358
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:02,800
Surely that means
you're the most...
359
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,470
-...popular daytime TV talk
show host at the moment.
- What?
360
00:19:09,767 --> 00:19:11,027
Surely that means
you're the most successful...
361
00:19:11,933 --> 00:19:14,133
Yes, yes! I am the
most successful!
362
00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:16,303
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
363
00:19:17,033 --> 00:19:18,033
Oh, my God!
364
00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:22,803
It's like I'm on this ladder
and I'm just climbing and
I'm climbing and I'm climbing!
365
00:19:23,633 --> 00:19:24,403
How does the ladder feel?
366
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:27,703
It's too high.
It's all too high now.
367
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:31,397
It's all swaying,
swaying, swaying!
368
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:34,100
Oh, my God!
Everything is swaying!
369
00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:36,597
When did the ladder
last feel safe?
370
00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:38,697
Who gives a fuck
about the ladder?
371
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:40,770
I understand
what you're saying!
372
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:43,770
I understand what
you're saying about it
but it doesn't feel...
373
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:46,430
any fucking better, d'you see?
374
00:19:48,567 --> 00:19:49,697
(VIVIENNE HYPERVENTILATES)
375
00:19:51,267 --> 00:19:52,197
You don't need fixing.
376
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:55,397
You need love.
377
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:03,003
Um...hello?
378
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:08,500
-Hello!
-So when did you
last feel safe?
379
00:20:09,433 --> 00:20:10,273
Oh!
380
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:13,300
Oh-h...
381
00:20:14,733 --> 00:20:16,003
When did I last feel safe?
382
00:20:16,900 --> 00:20:17,700
Safe?
383
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,270
I felt safe when there was
no pressure on me, you know,
384
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:22,770
when no one expected anything.
385
00:20:23,433 --> 00:20:24,033
It was just telly.
386
00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:27,667
Daytime telly!
Who cared, you know?
387
00:20:29,333 --> 00:20:31,603
It was just people.
I was just a person
doing a job...
388
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:36,033
'on telly.
Didn't have to be great.'
389
00:20:37,267 --> 00:20:38,227
-What about you, sir?
-It is, it's outrageous.
390
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,700
VIVIENNE: 'It's just...
you know telly could be
a man making a face,
391
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:44,370
'That was telly!
392
00:20:47,067 --> 00:20:49,167
'No-one was born a presenter!
You just learnt it
as you went along.
393
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:50,630
'Presenting wasn't
a career choice.
394
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,600
'It was just something
people did when there's
no-one else to do it!
395
00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:57,167
'Oh, God, that felt safe.'
396
00:20:57,633 --> 00:20:58,273
...West Lane...
397
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:00,630
'We just used to read
off a piece of paper!'
398
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,070
'Ah! Regional telly!
That was safe!
399
00:21:05,667 --> 00:21:08,527
'I used to do the birthdays
with Millie The Mouse.
400
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,270
'Took over from Fred
when he died.
401
00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:13,327
'I remember Millie!'
402
00:21:14,700 --> 00:21:15,630
Oh, I loved Millie The mouse!
403
00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,267
I loved her!
I loved Millie the Mouse!
I mean I...
404
00:21:23,233 --> 00:21:24,003
How's the coffee?
405
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:26,067
It's lovely.
406
00:21:28,067 --> 00:21:31,467
Yes, I think that was
the last time I felt safe.
407
00:21:38,533 --> 00:21:40,333
Helena, Children In Need
are on the phone.
They're asking about Viv.
408
00:21:41,667 --> 00:21:42,467
Right. I'm coming.
409
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:47,730
Everything all right?
410
00:21:51,167 --> 00:21:53,267
I'll take that cup for you.
Shall I put that in the bin?
411
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,530
I could have done birthdays
till the cows came home!
412
00:22:08,233 --> 00:22:10,073
And was the next rung safe, Viv?
413
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:12,030
Can you stop with
the ladder thing?!
414
00:22:13,233 --> 00:22:15,203
I get the ladder! I understand
the ladder thing now!
415
00:22:15,867 --> 00:22:16,697
Stop it! I'm not an idiot!
416
00:22:18,433 --> 00:22:22,333
-What?
-Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv, Viv,
Viv, do this! Viv, do that!
417
00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:23,597
Like Helena this morning.
418
00:22:25,367 --> 00:22:27,527
Over here! Don't let Viv be ill!
Viv can't be ill!
Well, Viv is ill!
419
00:22:30,900 --> 00:22:33,500
-You're scared!
-No, I'm not scared!
I'm not scared!
420
00:22:35,233 --> 00:22:36,633
I just...just feel like I
want to be on my own for a bit.
421
00:22:37,333 --> 00:22:38,333
I just want to be left alone,
422
00:22:38,867 --> 00:22:40,267
just so I can...
423
00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:43,600
-Just so I can...
-You can what?
424
00:22:45,433 --> 00:22:48,303
I don't know! I just want
to be on my own so
I can just catch up...
425
00:22:50,100 --> 00:22:51,100
all right? I feel like
everyone's at my back just
426
00:22:52,033 --> 00:22:53,573
pushing me and pushing
me and pushing me
427
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:55,230
towards what looks like some
428
00:22:56,433 --> 00:22:59,073
fucking big precipice
and I don't think I'm ready.
429
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,800
I don't know where
I'm even going any more!
I just wanna go back!
430
00:23:05,333 --> 00:23:06,403
Just go back so
I can think! Just...
431
00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:09,530
Need to go back...
to when you were safe...
432
00:23:10,567 --> 00:23:11,397
when you knew
what you were doing.
433
00:23:12,067 --> 00:23:13,497
How dare you?!
434
00:23:14,733 --> 00:23:16,133
-She does know
what she's doing!
-Please stop this!
435
00:23:16,933 --> 00:23:18,173
-Let me do this!
-No!
436
00:23:19,567 --> 00:23:20,167
Hang on a minute.
437
00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:24,400
I've got to get Viv out of
this flat this afternoon
feeling better about it
438
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,200
herself and not wobbling
all over the place.
What are you doing?
439
00:23:28,767 --> 00:23:30,567
I'm the doctor here...
440
00:23:32,233 --> 00:23:33,803
And I've been listening to
you for an hour now, so it's
your turn to listen to me.
441
00:23:34,933 --> 00:23:37,333
No! You hold on!
I called you to help Viv.
442
00:23:39,533 --> 00:23:42,303
Not to lay into her
like some second-rate TV
psychiatrist with funny glasses!
443
00:23:43,633 --> 00:23:45,273
I've been listening to
you forever! Now you're
gonna listen to me!
444
00:23:51,167 --> 00:23:53,627
-Sit down, big man!
You don't scare me!
-That's what we told you to do!
445
00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:55,370
Where's your self-respect?
446
00:23:56,667 --> 00:23:58,727
Are you going to sit there
on national television
447
00:24:00,467 --> 00:24:02,797
and waste my time with
your snivelling self-pity?
448
00:24:04,067 --> 00:24:04,597
I'll tell you what to say.
449
00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:07,800
I'm going to take control.
I'm going to get a grip.
450
00:24:09,433 --> 00:24:13,133
I'm going to stop whining
and start taking
responsibility for myself!
451
00:24:14,133 --> 00:24:14,773
Are you gonna let him
get away with this?
452
00:24:15,833 --> 00:24:17,133
It disgusts me and
most of my audience!
453
00:24:17,667 --> 00:24:18,367
You're spoilt...
454
00:24:19,533 --> 00:24:21,273
and you don't know the
meaning of hard work!
455
00:24:23,033 --> 00:24:25,173
Where's your self-respect?
Where's your dignity?
Where is it? I can't see it.
456
00:24:26,167 --> 00:24:27,767
Where's my dignity?
I'll give you dignity!
457
00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:30,027
-I've got dignity!
-Then give it me then!
458
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,170
It's me...Vivienne Vyle!
459
00:24:32,833 --> 00:24:33,673
It's the Vivienne Vyle Show!
460
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:38,030
The award-winning
Vivienne Vyle Show!
It's me...
461
00:24:39,333 --> 00:24:41,673
The queen of the daytime
talk shows! Yes, yes.
And I got there
462
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,630
to the pinnacle by hard work
and I'm not gonna let anyone
take that away from me...
463
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:47,600
not you, not anybody!
464
00:24:50,367 --> 00:24:51,597
Did you see that?
That is dignity!
465
00:24:52,833 --> 00:24:53,533
(SHE SIGHS)
466
00:24:54,833 --> 00:24:56,403
You're a genius!
467
00:25:01,933 --> 00:25:02,633
This is what I do.
468
00:25:11,367 --> 00:25:12,667
Jon! Uh...
469
00:25:13,367 --> 00:25:14,097
Are you ready to come in?
470
00:25:15,567 --> 00:25:17,527
God, you look great!
So much better!
471
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:20,800
-I think the Beechams
has kicked in.
-Listen to this!
472
00:25:22,133 --> 00:25:23,603
The phone's not stopped ringing.
473
00:25:25,033 --> 00:25:27,033
Do you want to do
Children In Need?
474
00:25:27,667 --> 00:25:29,597
-Oh, yes!
-A musical slot?
475
00:25:31,067 --> 00:25:32,467
Baby It's Cold Outside?
476
00:25:33,167 --> 00:25:34,097
-I'll choreograph!
-Oh!
477
00:25:34,900 --> 00:25:37,700
Duet with Chris Connor!
478
00:25:40,667 --> 00:25:42,367
Chris Connor,
do we like him, darling?
Do you wanna do...?
479
00:25:43,533 --> 00:25:44,333
Darling?
480
00:25:46,433 --> 00:25:47,803
(MUSIC PLAYS)
481
00:26:09,100 --> 00:26:12,170
*I really can't stay
*Baby, it's cold outside
482
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,100
*I've got to go away
*Baby, it's cold outside
483
00:26:17,433 --> 00:26:19,773
*This evening has been...
*Been hoping that you'd drop in
484
00:26:20,900 --> 00:26:24,100
*...so very nice...
*I'll hold your hands
485
00:26:25,267 --> 00:26:27,997
*They're cold as ice
*My mother will start to worry
486
00:26:28,767 --> 00:26:29,767
*Beautiful, what you're hurry?
487
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:34,300
*My father will be
pacing the floor...
*Listen to the fireplace roar...
488
00:26:35,633 --> 00:26:38,203
*So really I'd better scurry
*Beautiful, please don't hurry
489
00:26:39,033 --> 00:26:40,373
*Or maybe just
the one drink more
490
00:26:41,133 --> 00:26:43,233
*Put some music on while I pour
491
00:26:58,300 --> 00:26:59,530
Oh, God, that was good!
492
00:27:01,167 --> 00:27:02,327
Ah, I feel fucking fantastic!
493
00:27:02,933 --> 00:27:03,773
Darling, you're back!
494
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:06,470
Listen, I'm gonna get your coat.
495
00:27:08,233 --> 00:27:10,373
We'll get ready there.
I mean it's Richard and Judy.
They have wonderful make-up.
496
00:27:10,833 --> 00:27:12,033
Right. Thanks.
497
00:27:12,733 --> 00:27:13,503
What?
498
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:15,500
That Beechams works wonders!
499
00:27:17,300 --> 00:27:19,700
-I'm not expecting any thanks.
-You're not God, you know!
500
00:27:22,233 --> 00:27:24,133
I know, but at least
I'm not insane.
501
00:27:35,267 --> 00:27:36,067
Right.
502
00:27:41,333 --> 00:27:43,373
-Cheers!
-My pleasure.
503
00:27:45,867 --> 00:27:46,697
Right.
504
00:27:52,633 --> 00:27:53,473
No?
505
00:28:00,433 --> 00:28:01,233
Right!
506
00:28:01,967 --> 00:28:02,797
Team!
507
00:28:03,467 --> 00:28:04,427
Yeah! We're back!
508
00:28:05,533 --> 00:28:07,733
We've got Viv! She's coming in!
Oh, yeah! Come on!
509
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:09,530
Let's get on it!
Jon, coffee.
510
00:28:10,167 --> 00:28:11,427
Carol, book the other car.
511
00:28:11,733 --> 00:28:12,603
Yeah!
512
00:28:13,500 --> 00:28:16,030
Come on! Come o-on!
513
00:28:16,533 --> 00:28:17,303
Let's go!
514
00:28:19,533 --> 00:28:21,303
What turns you on?
Is it fantasy or fetish?
515
00:28:21,933 --> 00:28:23,003
Is it feathers or fisting?
516
00:28:23,900 --> 00:28:24,730
Is bondage holding
your marriage together?
517
00:28:25,867 --> 00:28:27,297
Do you sniff underwear
or collect panties as a hobby?
518
00:28:28,233 --> 00:28:29,573
Or do you have your
own dungeon at home?
519
00:28:30,533 --> 00:28:32,503
Dominatrix or slave,
we wanna hear from you.
520
00:28:33,933 --> 00:28:35,803
I'll be cracking the whip
in the Vivienne Vyle
week-long special...
521
00:28:36,767 --> 00:28:38,427
What tickles your fancy?
Contact us.
522
00:28:39,100 --> 00:28:40,700
We'd love to hear from you.
39872
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