Original subtitles

(CROWD CHEERING AND SHOUTING)

Foul! Foul! Book him! Send him off!

Who was that foul on? Ainsworth.

Jesus, if we lose him! Look at the linesman running up and down there!

Tripping over his own bloody beer belly! Get him off. The referee's a fucking twat.

If we ever go to the play-offs and this club goes up, it'll need a lot of money to sustain.

-Sorry, us? -The team.

-Oh, yes, the Reds. -No, the Blues.

-Yes, the Blues. -I wonder how much it costs to buy a club?

Three, four million...What?

-This is what I love. -Oh, no, darling!

Well, I'll just have my own club like Delia's got her own club.

-Sandwich?! -Not a club sandwich. You're not funny. Norwich.

Ooh! OK are sponsoring the TV Pick Awards. We should go. It's good to be seen.

Crack open the Versace pants! Could be some podium action. Kick it!

Chris Connor is on his way out. He's doing all the talk shows at the moment.

Well, he's just drumming for votes.

Should I call the TV Pick Awards or the Chris Connor Awards?

-You can call it what you want and you look lovely. -Yes, thank you.

-This Best Daytime Talk Show. Every year, how do you do it? -With you, any way you want.

-But seriously where's the competition? -I shall tell you where.

You've got Trisha, you've got Vanessa and the lovely Vivienne Vyle.

-Lovely! (GROWLS) -Fucking bastard.

Well, the TV Pick Awards are...

-voted for by the public. -They are indeed.

You're at an advantage as you've your LEGION of female fans who vote for you every year.

-Will they do it again? -There's only one lady I'm interested in, Fern.

-Thank you very much indeed. -Thank you.

Mr Chris Connor, good luck...

-Morning, darling. -Hello. GMTV are waiting for you in make-up.

They're going to meet you up there interview you there.

-I'm not made up. -No, they're going to make you up.

Not on camera! Jesus Christ!

It's TV Picks. It'll look great on camera. Come on! Energy! This is our year.

-Are they interviewing you? -Who? Me?

-Lorraine Kelly? -No, it's Lynn.

-Lynn? -Yes, Lynn.

-Lynn Faulds Wood? -No. Actually, yes she is.

Lynn Faulds fucking Watchdog Wood!

-What's the problem? -She hates me!

Come on! Just get jiggy with it!

Can you do anything with these? Quickly, quickly.

-Can you make sure someone's getting me coffee? -They're bringing it now.

-And the notes for today's show? -They're on their way.

-Are you still pregnant? -Yes.

-Sorry. Can we start yet? -Yes. Sorry, Lynn.

-Well, hi. Hello there, Vivienne. Hi. How are you? -I'm well. How are you?

You're looking lovely.

-It's really exciting being here. -Isn't it?

Thank you for having us.

So how are you feeling about the TV Pick Awards?

Well, I was just talking to my PA Dionne and saying how exciting it is.

But with the hair, make-up and getting the right dress, it can be stressful.

I feel as if I know you because Viv and I, we worked together many years ago at TV-AM.

Do you remember?

So we've everything we need. Now, before you start putting your tiles on your wall,

get your stick, measure your stick, so you know where exactly they will go.

You're not going to show the clips, are you?

Viv, tell me what are you doing in the show today?

Today's show is a catch-up show. It's a show where guests that have previously been on

come back and we see how they're doing. Today it's Jane and Keith.

-It's Jamie and Kath. -Yes, who are a lovely couple.

You know, despite the disgust I feel at your behaviour...

WOMAN: Give them a chance.

The revulsion I have at your lifestyle of drugs and crime,

despite the contempt that I

and any tax-payers in my audience feel for you,

-I am going to help you. -(APPLAUSE)

There's something I've always wondered, why do you do this show?

Well, Lorr... Sorry, I was about to call you Lorraine. Lynn...

It's meaningful.

And Vivienne Vyle is very different to other shows like Chris Connor,

-who I do admire as a colleague. -Do you?

Yes. But our show I don't see as entertainment.

I think it's helping people in a very real sense.

-Really, you really do? -Yes.

I can't stop them taking your kids away from you. I can't do that.

-But your research team said it'd be all right! -You shut up!

You're on the Vivienne Vyle Show, I do the talking.

-All right? -(APPLAUSE AND CHEER)

-I don't like you. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for Kath, ladies and gentlemen,

-and the little baby she's got inside of her. -(AUDIENCE SYMPATHISES)

Now, I can be a teeny bit aggressive at times, but you're really aggressive.

Do you think so? Well, I think the difference is that I'm honest.

-If you think that's aggressive, only you can judge that. -I judge it aggressive.

This show is about people voluntarily coming back to show us how much we've helped them.

But they're scared NOT to come back. You're scary.

Listen. The thing is, some people like to knock this show.

I mean, I've had my knockers, and I get angry.

It's not for myself, I get angry for the people that come on the show and guest and who trust me.

But you help them because they help you. It's just telly.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hiya.

Vivienne won't be long now. She'll be back. We'll just have a little chat, shall we?

Just keep it going, Carol. Where is she?

-A couple here want to go to the loo, is that OK? -Yes. Whatever.

Be as quick as you can.

What the hell is happening? Desmond, it's ridiculous.

Make-up have just left me in the chair. I'm half done.

-Oh, sorry. -Who's this?

-GMTV. -Oh. Why?

-We're up for a TV shit award. -What?

TV Pick Award as voted for by the general morons.

She's on her way to the floor! Run up the intro!

-She's not here yet. -Fuck!

-I'm on. I just need to get some mascara. -Fuck!

-Sorry. -Fuck! (HEAVES A SIGH)

-You're not actually shooting that, are you? -Yeah.

Well, I won't release it!

Everybody, just remember that crews are in, so be on your best behaviour.

-How close are we? -Are that other couple still in the toilet?

No, no, they went separately.

-I hear we're up for a TV Pick Award. -We?

Jesus!

Oh, there you are. Stop!

Those shoes...Come on!

-You need to finish me. -I can't just now.

-I'll find you. -But, I'm not...Where are you going?

(AUDIENCE PREP IN THE BACKGROUND)

VIVIENNE: Why have you chosen these shoes?

They look like old ladies' shoes.

-I'd only wear those with slacks. -What's with all the shoes?

The shoes they've given me were the same I wore in the "previously" of the catch-ups.

Between you and me, I can't...

Well, can I ask you about some of the shows you've done in the last year,

like Father, Wherefore Art Thou? That was on-the-spot cheek swabs, DNA testing?

-None of these are any good. -What should I do?

-Call Jared. -He is on his way. He won't be here in time.

What about, "I'm The Son Of God, an examination of schizophrenia,

via a Best Jesus competition, chaired by a defrocked gay bishop?"

You don't think it's odd, but I'm glad you're crying.

Look at Jamie. You're hurting, Jamie. You're hurting. I can tell.

You are hurting.

Do you know why you're hurting? Because I think you actually love your kids.

Are you a criminal? Do you fund your drug habit with crime? Look me in the eye.

Look at me, Jamie.

Look me in the eye. It's just you and me here. Is your drug habit making you a criminal?

Look me in the eye, Jamie.

-Are you a criminal? -Yeah.

Yeah. Good. Well done.

Thank you for looking me in the eye.

That's a brave man, everyone!

Darling, babe, we've now got like six cameras waiting.

-What's the problem? -Come on. I need shoes.

Can we like...get a move on?

-What about her shoes? Helena? Helena? -What?

We need your shoes.

Yes, yes, yes! You can have my bloody shoes, anything. But just can we get a move on?

-Does my face look all right? -Yep. Good.

What about your adult late-night specials?

Farmyard Friends? Bestiality?

No, they're still warm. I won't put them on if they're warm.

Having Fun With Your Excrement? Coprophilia?

-Is this the stuff of award-winning TV? -Where did you get that?

-We've not done those yet. -From Helena!

In development. Well, as for award-winning, let's let the public decide, shall we, Lynn?

The show we're doing today is about human reality. Follow me. Ouch!

Good luck!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEER)

Where's Viv? Where's she gone?

(CHEERING)

-Stand by two. -Welcome back to the Vivienne Vyle Show. Remember this?

It's no-one else's business, right?

Shut up! You have made it everybody's business.

You! Young man, by coming on to national television.

Are you OK, mate?

-I could do with a smoke. -No, you're clean. Remember?

-Why don't you give each other a nice big hug? -I need a smoke.

I'll sort something out for you after. I will have a smoke ready for you. I promise.

BOLLOCKS to your national television!

-Sit down! -(AUDIENCE BOOS)

Sit down! Who are you to tell me to sit down?

I feel sick. They'll boo when we come out.

They won't. It's all fixed. Viv'll take care of that.

Shocking scenes, I'm sure you'll all agree.

Why don't you hold hands? You love each other.

Up you get. You'll be fine. Just think about your kids. They are most important.

Those people came onto this show because they wanted help.

And they got it from Dr Jonathan Fowler.

You'll be fine. Nothing to worry about. Yeah?

They're back here so we can see how they've done. Please welcome Jamie and Kath.

-(AUDIENCE BOOS) -Give them respect.

Yeah, yeah, OK!

Give them a chance, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome back, Jamie and Kath. I'm sorry about that.

Just take a seat.

-You're holding hands, that's lovely. -Yes, Viv.

-How are you doing, Kath? -I'm all right, Viv.

-You're looking good. -Thanks.

Last time you were on this show, I told you to go away and clean up. Didn't I?

To get off drugs. Told you to leave your life of crime.

To get a job.

Just have a look for them while we're on Viv. That's great. That's really looking good.

-(JAMIE SCREAMING) -Camera three...

Darling, tickets for Glyndebourne, do we want them? Nod once for yes.

You said you would on national television.

How are you feeling about that now?

-Picnicking or not picnicking, darling? Nod once... -No! No! No!

No, Jamie, I'm talking to Kath.

-Camera five, let's look at that audience shot. -VIVIENNE: As a mother...

-I'm feeling good. -(APPLAUSE)

Oh, and a bit of mascara. Just a little bit along the bottom.

And you chose to have help from Dr Jonathan Fowler, Director of psychotherapy.

Let me remind you of that moment.

And run VTA.

-Will you commit to change? -KATH: Yes.

It starts here with our director of after-care services,

Dr Jonathan Fowler! Ladies and gentlemen.

(APPLAUSE)

Jonathan, quite a pair you've got. You've got your work cut out, I'd imagine?

Maybe this time I have, Vivienne.

Shit! I've got the same clothes on.

CAROL: Nobody will notice. Just go on.

So let's welcome Dr Jonathan Fowler!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

-(AMUSED) He's in the same clothes! -Well, stop the show.

No, we're on a roll. We're not stopping the show for him. Twat!

...after the cognitive behavioural therapy.

The co-dependency was underpinned by addictive personalities...

No escaping it. He's killing this.

...was in danger of being repeated with their children.

He is losing the audience. She's going to have to cut him off.

Actually, what you're talking about here is the family cycle of abuse.

Well done, Vivienne. Well done.

These people have surprised me. You have surprised me.

I think you've proved to me, and to my audience,

and possibly even to yourselves, that you can change.

-KATH: Thank you. -(CHEERING)

That you can take a little bit of responsibility.

There's something you don't know. Your kids are here today.

What! Where?

-They're backstage, as we speak, -(AUDIENCE IS GLAD)

-with a social worker and one of our researchers. -(APPLAUSE)

Can you say, "Can't wait to see you"?

If you say, "When are we coming home," you'll both get a lolly.

Go on. Say it into there.

-BOTH: When are we coming home? -(AUDIENCE IS GLAD)

Get those tears! Where's the camera on the audience?

-It doesn't happen any quicker if you shout. -Come on!

-Just move away from the desk! -What about that woman in the second row? Is she crying?

-Do your fucking job! -Can we see you now, five?

I got those leather trousers from Dolce Gabbana. I hope that's OK.

For the awards.

-Who's this? -GMTV.

(HE GREETS)

Jamie and Kath, because you have worked hard

with Dr Jonathan Fowler,

we've spoken to the social worker.

She says you can indeed have your kids come back and live with you.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

-Hang on a minute. -Is that cleared? It's not. That's not cleared.

Give it up for Jamie and Kath, ladies and gentlemen!

Jamie and Kath on The Vivienne Vyle Show! Thank you.

You've been watching... I'm Vivienne Vyle from the heart.

See you next time. Well done. Don't come near me, darling. Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

VIVIENNE: You see helping people is the only reward I need, Lynn.

You don't like me and I don't care.

Thanks very much, everyone. That's it for the day.

Sorry, you'll have to pay off that social worker or pull the bloody show!

-You deserve the award. -I'm not going. You can have my ticket.

They won't give it to you if you don't go.

-Helena, we never get it. -Team effort - think of the team.

I was a fucking mess because of your bloody shoes! (SHE CURSES)

-Oh, yeah, right! -I don't want to go to the awards. I've got ratings.

-Come on, Jared. -Darling! Viv!

Don't worry, she'll go.

-About the awards, Helena, will there be a place for me? -What?

COMMENTATOR ON TV: Inside the Shrewsbury half.

-To Hayes on the left-hand side... -Oh! Oh. Oh.

Shot down into the ground by Clive Platt, no power behind it.

-What's with the football? -It's the bane of our existence.

It's what she and her ex dead husband got into.

Um, darling, Paul O'Grady's presenting this year.

-Darling, we have company. -I'm watching.

No, darling. Viv, the award-winning show?

That's what it sounds like, yeah?

Please, no. Watch. Helena!

-Award-winning? -Out of the way!

-Award-winning Vivienne Vyle show. -Sounds marvellous.

Only when you want to go 'cause you've got the trousers.

You've got to come.

Anyway, it'll be a blast!

Darling, no grown up that isn't coked off her tits thinks that's a good way to spend an evening.

It's just for embryonic reality TV stars with their barbie doll dresses...

-and liggers! -No, no, no, no.

How do you know? You've never been there sober. It's medieval, isn't it, darling?

It's daytime vision of TV hell.

-(CROWD CHEERS ON TV) -BOTH: Goal! Goal!

-If you've got nothing to wear, I can lend you a Stella. -No, I'm styling her.

-It's Lulu in Robert Cavalli - Rock Chick. -Don't lose it.

Oh, Viv, Viv, Lynn really loved the show.

-Oh? -Yeah. She said she was really surprised.

She was going to say something to you but you walked off or something...

Oh.

I probably have got something I could wear.

Darling, it's the Lulu look, rock'n'roll!

Pendants, necklaces, high Vivienne Westwood tight boots.

Get your boobies out. Plenty of cleavo. Hmm?

No! We'll wing it. We'll look like we've just walked off the beach. We don't give a shit!

Sand in our hair! Burton and Taylor! Sunk his gods.

So, whichever way, you win. (HISSES)

You're going to win anyway. I know.

-Who did you hear it from? -Don't know. A very good authority. Got to go.

-Helena? -What?

Don't touch my plums. Display only.

Oh, Tin-Tinny!

(PEOPLE TALKING)

(INSTRUMENTAL PARTY MUSIC)

Right, everybody! I still don't know exactly who's coming,

but I'm waiting for a phone call from a couple of friends,

then we'll know who, all right? But everybody get ready, just in case.

Um, got a car. Can take two.

Rest of you will have to tube it.

-What? -All right.

(LOUD SNIFFING)

(INSTRUMENTAL PARTY MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND)

It's OK. No, he's not coming. No, he can't come, no. No. No.

Cool. Catch you later. OK. Bye. (SNIFFING)

Right, everybody can come!

Everybody except...

Naomi. Jonathan, you're coming with me. Um... Oh, you look nice!

-Thank you. So do you. -(SNORTS) Oh, God! Come on. Party!

-Did you get the tickets? -I've got the tickets. Look.

If you put the sticker on the windscreen,

we get straight up to the red carpet. The police won't hold you up at the barrier.

-I've got them. -Ridiculous, these cars!

-They're great. I've never been in one before. -They're shag-mobiles.

Compeeds for my blisters with these shoes?

-I've slipped them into your flats. -You're so good.

But you know, this is amazing.

-What is it? -Thank you. It's my muff.

You just touched my muff.

-Sorry. I'm not embarrassed by your muff. -That's all right.

-Are these darkened windows? -No, darling, you're wearing your glasses, it's night-time.

So you've got a girlfriend then, have you? Or um...boyfriend?

-No. I have a girl... I have a partner. -Is she a boy?

-Yep, she is. -No. She's not a boy, no. No.

Can we please, when we get to the photographers, just zip through.

Unless they shout and there's no-one else coming.

-Do you have a...boy...Girl? -No.

You're a very attractive woman.

(RADIO CHATTERING)

-Turn the radio up. -Turn it off.

Turn it up!

-Are they playing the play-offs tonight? -Yes. Mrs Viv.

-Is it the play-offs tonight? -It's the play-offs tonight.

Oh, my God!

I've got a speech, darling, in case you need to say anything.

No, I know what I'm going to say. Is it tonight?

DRIVER: Wycombe are playing Boston.

-(MOBILE RINGS) -Oh, goody-goody-goody!

Viv-Viv-Viv. Hi, darling. What? Sorry, can't hear you. What?

No. But why? What?

No!

Come on, babe, please! Plea...

-Shit! -Shit what?

Viv's not coming.

-What? Why? -Oh, I don't know.

(CHEERING)

Come on, you blue boys! Come on, you boys in blue! Come along!

-Stop it. -What, darling?

-You knew this match was on tonight. -I thought, your career...

You don't do that thinking. I do that thinking.

-Helena, speak to me. You're looking fabulous. -Thanks.

-Is Vivienne coming? -She's really ill. She's not coming.

-Are you going to win tonight? -She's not coming. She's ill.

(LOUD CHEERING)

Chris, mate!

-Chris! Are you feeling lucky tonight? -I'm just happy to be here.

Just um...What was the question? Delighted. That's all that matters. Love you!

Is this the new Mrs. Connor?

-Get ready 'cause I'm on in a minute. -On where?

-They're presenting me at half-time. It's an honour. -Oh, darling!

-Can I stay here? -No, you're coming with me. I'm not going on my own.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to welcome on to the pitch one of our most famous

supporters, who has been a friend to the club for many years, Miss Vivienne Vyle!

(LOUD BOOING)

But, ladies and gentlemen, Viv should be at an awards ceremony tonight.

And there's something we'd like to show her over there on the big screen coming up now.

Thank you. Settle down now, please. Come on, you lot.

Shut up! I want to be out of here before two o'clock in the morning.

Now it's time for the award for Best Daytime Talk Show. Are you ready for this, Chris?

And the winner is...

It's that vicious-tongued vixen herself, Vivienne Vyle!

(BOOING AND CHEERING)

I've won. I've won!

(CHEERING)

-I've won. -Darling, your speech.

I can't believe I've won an award. Thank you!

Thank you so much. This is the greatest moment of my life.

I've never won anything before. I promise that I will take the faith that you have shown in me

and we will go forward! We will enter the transfer market! We will buy a new stand!

We will get into the Premiership and I will take you there!

-Steady on, love, it's just the TV Pick. -Well done, darling.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, fuck!

Close to death but need to get something off your chest?

'Don't want to take your secrets to the grave.

We'll confront a terminally-ill person with tough questions who need honest answers.

We're doing a week-long special - Spill The Beans Before You Kick The Bucket.

So if the air in your family needs to be cleared before death,

contact us. We'd love to hear from you.