All language subtitles for The.Last.Word.2017.WEB-DL.x264-FGT

Louie, no, no, no.

You do not trim these hedges from top
to bottom, but from bottom to top,

as we've discussed.

I understand, Ms. Lauler.

I do not want bushy hedges.
You do not want bushy hedges.

We talked about this. We have, yes.
Many times.

All right, I'll trim the bushes myself.
Give it to me.

Yes.
Thank you.

And you can cut the grass.
You cut the grass yesterday.

In a diamond pattern.

Yes.

Then I guess you can go.

Thank you.

Oh, these are not sharp.

Look, Louie. You have
to have these sharp.

I'll look in the truck. Please.

Mm-hmm.

Oh. This is much more
to my liking.

Looks good.

Thank you for your approval.

Yes. Yeah. We keep 'em on the
floor, so that's perfect.

Thanks. Here.

Hello, Ms. Lauler.
Dr. Morgan.

It says here
this was... an accident?

Well, do you think I'm lying
or do you simply can't read?

Ms. Lauler,
I'm just doing my job.

These gowns?
You call these gowns?

If I was wheeled out
in a wheelchair,

would you call that my chariot?

Ma'am. Don't call me "ma'am."

You never call a woman
"ma'am."

That makes her feel old.
I'm sorry.

You're sorry?
Oh, you're so sorry.

You washed down four clonazepam
with a bottle of red wine.

Yes. I was sleepy
and I was thirsty.

You don't strike me as the type of
person who does anything by accident.

Okay? That's what it seems like to
me, what I'm experiencing here.

So, I'm going to do
some tests. Okay?

And if you have a problem
with that, I don't care.

- Do you know who I am?
- Yes?

Uh, no.

Your predecessor did. Your
predecessor knew me very well.

- My father?
- I am Harriet Lauler.

And for the better part
of the last 25 years,

this newspaper
stayed in the black

because of the media buys
that I've purchased every month.

Lauler advertising.
Of course.

Uh, what can I do for you,
Ms. Lauler?

I request a formal introduction.

Okay.

My name is Ronald Odom.
I'm the editor-in-chief.

I attended the school of journalism
at Ohio university. Mr. Odom.

I married Katie sparrow.
She kept her name.

Mr. Odom, I do not require
the formal introduction to you.

Hey. Hey.
Wh...

- Come with me.
- Why?

- 'Cause I'm your boss.
- Are you firing me?

You should be so lucky.
Come on, come on.

Ms. Lauler,
this is Anne Sherman.

Ms. Sherman. Let us
have the room, please.

- Please sit down.
- Uh, I'm cool.

Well, be that as it may,
I wish you would sit down

because I have a job offer
to discuss with you.

I h... I have a job.

Sit down, Ms. Sherman.

Lois Schenken was a bitch.

"Lois Schenken, a tireless
animal rights advocate,

passed away last night
at the age of 78."

Right. Lois Schenken.
I wrote that.

Yes.

Do you know why Lois Schenken
loved animals so much?

Because people hated her.

They hated her parties, her
gossiping, her costume jewelry.

Only homeless dogs

could bear to be around Lois Schenken
for longer than seven minutes.

Well, the people that I spoke to had
nothing but kind things to say about her.

She was dead and they were being polite.
Eugene Baker.

"With a song not just in his
heart but always on his lips,

Eugene Baker sang his way into
the lives of all who met him."

Do you know why he sang so much?

He was a drunk.

Well, that's not something I was
going to write in his obituary.

"After a long illness, Mary
Ramos passed away this morning.

She left an indelible mark
on all"...

Yeah, right.
She had syphilis. I know.

That's not something
you want to memorialize.

I knew these people.

I'm sorry for your losses.

No.
These were awful people.

Well, I'm... I'm s...
I'm not sorry then.

But you made them sound as
though they were magnificent.

You made their lives
sound full of achievement.

That's what
you'll be doing for me.

You want me
to write your obituary?

That's what I want.
Okay.

Well, I am the obituary writer.

So when the time comes, I will
be writing your obituary.

I want you to write it now.

Huh.

- Is Ron coming back?
- That's the wrong question.

The right question is,
"why?"

Why?

- Good question.
- Thanks.

Ms. Sherman,
I'm a reasonable woman.

I have never been surprised
about anything.

And I've never found myself in a
situation that I couldn't handle.

So, as a reasonable woman,

the thought of leaving
my obituary to chance

is completely
unreasonable to me.

But that is what everybody does.

That is what people have been
doing for hundreds of years.

If I had motivated myself by what
other people thought and did,

I would not have achieved what I've
achieved, and I've achieved a great deal.

How my achievements are memorialized
by you is of great interest to me.

Okay.

Here's the names
of a few hundred people.

I've taken the trouble
to alphabetize them.

Also, restaurants are listed that they might
like to go to while they discuss me with you.

What...

What about family?

I have a daughter and I haven't
spoken to her in many years.

Okay.

There's an ex-husband.

He's a jackass.

Right. All right. What's the
timeline that we're looking at?

- Monday.
- No.

Yes. I want it by Monday.
I have plans.

You're excused. Go.

That's what I want.

Hey.

She puts the "bitch"
in obituary.

I understand.
I don't think you do, Ron.

- You gotta do it.
- What? Why?

Because at one time this woman
was a real friend of the paper.

And if she were to extend that
friendship at the time of her passing,

that would be extremely
helpful to all of us.

What are you saying?
I'm saying, look around.

I mean...
We're in trouble here.

The digital age wasn't a fad.

- I mean, who knew, right?
- Everybody.

- Why do you all say that? -Are
you saying I could lose my job?

I'm saying
we could all lose our jobs.

Okay. So what am I
supposed to do?

Make her happy.

This is Robin sands for Koxa.

Hello, Robin sands.

Playing independent music
for independent minds.

For independent minds.

How long were
you and Harriet married?

A little over 19 years.

And you know, when we got married
she did not take my name.

Did you know that?

Who did that back then
but Harriet Lauler?

Yeah, I get the impression
that she...

Control is very important
to Harriet.

Well, she asked you
to write her obituary

while she is still alive.

Yeah, I think it's safe to say that
control is very important to Harriet.

Was she always like that?

Well, you gotta understand
that when she started out,

it was a different world.

I mean, the men that she had to work
with, men she had to work for...

She had to be twice as good, twice
as smart, twice as forceful.

And she was too.

See, she always
thought she was right.

Always.

But the one thing that made
her light up with excitement

was finding out
that she was wrong.

If you were willing to go
toe-to-toe with Harriet,

prove that you were right and
she was wrong, she loved that.

And she would laugh.

Now, she never said,
"I'm wrong."

But hearing that laugh...

That was enough for me.

What about your daughter?

If you were looking for somebody to
say something nice about Harriet,

don't ask Elizabeth.

Trust me on that one.

Good luck.

You'll need it.

My name is Anne Sherman. I'm
calling from the Bristol gazette.

I'd like to talk to you
about Harriet Lauler.

"If I want your opinion, I will give
it to you." That's what she told me.

- So you know Harriet how?
- I was her gynecologist.

How did you become
Harriet's hairdresser?

She walked in the door
and said, "cut my hair."

- Okay.
- And I was like, "I-I'm with...

I'm actually cutting
somebody else's hair right now."

And she asked the woman
to leave.

I'm calling from the Bristol gazette. I'd
like to talk to you about Harriet Lauler.

Hello?

I learned a long time ago

if you don't have anything
nice to say about someone,

say nothing at all.

She insisted
on examining herself.

Her diagnosis, always correct.

I had to give her
her co-pay back.

Just a, uh...

Hateful, hateful woman.

I hated her.

I hated her so much.

So much.

What do you think of Harriet?

I've worked very hard in therapy

not to think of her.

If there's just one thing you could
say about her that's nice...

One thing nice.

If she were dead, that would be nice.
How's that?

She's like a human black cloud.

Angriest vagina
this side of China.

Give me the wafer this way. Hand me the
wine that way. That wine is horrible.

Like, you...
Like, nothin'?

Zip.

I don't...

Oh, god.
So this is what you wrote.

It's a first draft. No.
This is a first paragraph.

- It's succinct.
- It's one paragraph.

It's to the point and
I think that's good.

No, it's the life of a loser.

I wouldn't say that.
This is the life of a nobody.

- I definitely wouldn't say that.
- Then what would you say?

Because you certainly have not captured
an impressive life, an important life.

I... did my best.

That is really unfortunate
for both of us.

Well, I didn't have
a lot to work with.

Oh, you had my life
to work with.

And I did the best
that I could with it.

How grossly I overestimated
your talent as a writer.

- With all due respect...
- Oh, now you respect me.

I was not really sure of that.

The problem
isn't with my writing.

What is the problem? The subject.
You are the problem.

Excuse me.

You are the problem.

What?
How dare you.

N...
I'm sorry. How dare you.

No one, and I mean nobody, had
one nice thing to say about you.

No colleagues, no friends.
Certainly no family.

What did you just say?

I said certainly no family.

Hmm.

Get out of my house.

I'm just... I'm just
being honest with you.

You expected these people
to sing your praises?

I mean, you are way off.

Get out of my house!

Now!

Bitch.

Harriet,
what are you doing here?

I do not wish to be
sodomized in the hallway.

Do you know what time it is?
Sit down, please.

We need to talk.

What is this shit?

These are obituaries from
newspapers all over the country.

I want you to read them and see what
other obituary writers are doing.

Wow. I'm sorry you don't
like what I wrote.

But that was just me
writing about your life.

But my life is not over.
Yet.

Now, I have determined there
are four essential elements

to a really great obituary.

Is that right?
That's right.

One, the deceased should be
loved by their families.

Right.

Two, the deceased should be
admired by their coworkers.

I... I know.

Three, the deceased must have touched
someone's life unexpectedly.

And if said person
was a minority or a cripple,

so much the better.

Okay, and the fourth?
And the fourth...

That's the wild card. I do not
know what my wild card is.

The wild card?
Yes.

A statement of such breadth
and wonder that

it's the opening line
of the obituary.

For example, "a noted lover of arts,
Bonnie Lee Johnson passed away today."

Right. Right.

A three-time state ballroom dancing
champion, Lou Mendoza died last night.

Okay, I have a question.
Yes?

Well, four to be exact.

Four?

Oh. Four. Mmm.

Family. My child and I have not had
any contact for several decades.

My colleagues,
as you have discovered,

are not exactly beating down
my door to sing my praises.

I don't know
any crippled black kids.

And four, I have no idea

what the wild card would be.

Those are the questions.

Yes, and you're gonna
help me find the answers.

Uh, you don't say.

Oh, yes.

You're gonna help shape a legacy

instead of just transcribing it.

I bet you have not been
offered that very often.

To write a story
before it's over.

That's what I've been
talking about, Anne, yeah.

So you're gonna change
your life right now?

Exactly.

Do you find any problem

in procuring me a
disadvantaged youth to mold?

Oh, um, home depot is probably
getting another shipment in soon.

The shelves will be stocked.

Sarcasm.
The wit of the witless.

Condescension.
The repartee of the rude.

Sorry. Sh-shit.
Sorry.

No. No, no. Never apologize
for speaking your mind.

Thanks for coming.

B-2.

I'm gonna find the woman
that I spoke to.

Wanda? Hey.

I-22.

Walking.

Harriet, this is...
This is Wanda Barnes.

She runs the program
for at-risk kids.

Hello, Wanda. Who runs the
program for at-risk visitors?

Ms. Lauler, no need to worry.

This is a safe space.

I'm very reassured.
Thank you.

I know the children,
especially the girls,

would greatly enjoy it if you
would come and speak with them.

You want Harriet to speak with
a group of at-risk children?

- I think the kids would love it. -Or...
I'm just throwing this out there...

She could write you
a big, fat check.

Am I supposed to talk
to your boss yet again?

I'm... I'm just saying

that money makes a difference.

Am I right, Wanda? I would...
Well, certainly.

A woman who wrote a check to a small community
center died last night, Harriet Lauler,

leaving behind a legacy of
unfulfilled goals and half measures.

Mmm.

Can I circle back
on that big, fat check?

So, I hear you kids are at risk.

All kids are at risk, you know.

Show me a kid
who's not "at risk"

and I'll show you a kid
who will be a nobody.

Taking risks
is what life is all about.

I took a risk.

I went to college.

And in my day, no man wanted to
marry a woman who was educated.

No man wanted to marry
a woman who worked.

No man wanted a woman
that he worked for.

But my favorite was,

no one wanted to marry
a woman in business.

But those were the risks I
was willing to take. Why?

Why did you take those risks?

Because there was no way

I was not going to live up
to my potential.

So you have to ask yourselves
this question.

Are you willing to take a risk
to do something stupid?

Or are you willing to take a
risk at doing something great?

Wow. I think you gave those
girls something to think about.

Seem to be quite skilled at selling
pabulum to a bunch of preteen punks.

Great. Pabulum. But you know
that speech is not enough.

We have to come back and we
have to find our own hooligan

who will benefit most
from my wisdom,

and that will be
the unexpected person

whose life I touch.

Hey, kiddo.
Hey, dad.

- Didn't know you were coming today.
- Leigh Ann's not here. Right?

No, she's got her class.
The coast is clear.

Ta-da! Here you go. Oh, look.

Just what I always wanted. Dirty clothes.
Thank you very much.

Laundry in?

Yep.
Great.

- You hungry?
- No, thanks.

Oh, come on.
Let me make you a sandwich.

I'm okay.
Thank you.

I'm really not hungry.

I got you that tea you like.

Um... thanks.

You're still doing
the essay thing?

Yeah.

How they shaping up?

Slow, but steady.

So when was it you first
started working on those?

I can't remember. I'm just
treading water, okay?

No pressure.
I'm just, you know...

You might want to say "pencils down" at some
point and actually let somebody read them.

Like you?

Yeah. I'm sure
they're wonderful.

They're not.

Well...

See, now I think you're just
being too hard on yourself.

Would you consider yourself to be the kind
of person who takes risks in their life?

No.

No.

Now, i...
Your mother...

I got to admit, she was
more of a risk-taker.

So, is that
what we're calling it?

Well, it was a long time ago.
Why not?

Because that sounds like

what she did to us was
almost noble, which it wasn't.

Look, you don't have to
like what she did. Okay?

I mean, I didn't like it.

But, I mean, obviously she...

Wanted something else, and
so she just went after it.

So as long as she's, like, living
the dream, that's all that matters?

Anne.

I'm happy.

Good. Okay? Finally.

And I pray every single
day that you are too.

Hi. Excuse me. Is Mr. Samuels
available to talk for a minute?

- And you are? -My name's Anne Sherman.
I work for the Bristol gazette.

- I'm a writer.
- Good for you.

- What is this in reference to?
- Harriet Lauler.

- Actually... he isn't in today.
- No?

I don't even know why I asked who you were.
He's not even here.

He's not here?
Mm-mmm.

Okay.
What about Mr. Schmidt?

Mmm, sorry.

Okay, so none of them are here.

Mm-mmm.
Great.

Brenda! Brenda!

You realize this little stunt of
yours will take weeks to fix?

Don't need to be fixed.
My way is better.

I know you think that,
but this is what libraries do.

Just because that's the way it's
always been don't mean I give a shit.

There's nothing wrong
with the Dewey decimal system.

Having to write down some six-digit number
with a decimal just to find a book?

Don't tell me that makes sense.

What the fuck do I need with the decimal?
Just want to read a book.

That's the juvenile delinquent
I'll put my mark on.

You rearranged every book in alphabetical
order. You should be thanking me.

Hello.

Um, Wanda.

You know, when you utter
profanity in public like that

you risk others thinking that you're too
uneducated to find the right words.

- Who the hell are you? -How about,
"I'm sorry. Have we met before?"

I ain't sorry. Just want to know
who's getting all up in my business.

Well, I know that I am the world's
least-qualified fairy godmother,

but it is me who's getting
up all in your business.

- The fuck?
- You see?

Instead of "the fuck," why don't
you just say, "excuse me?"

What do you want?

What do you want?

Oh, I see.

It's community service.

You got busted for drunk
driving, didn't you?

Now, what on earth
made you think that?

You're white, and you're here.

This is true.

However,
I'm here of my own accord...

No obligation at all...

To try to get to know you and to impart
my considerable breadth of knowledge.

You wanna teach me some shit.

You wanna teach me some stuff.

Seems like we've already begun.

Oh, shit. Sorry. Ugh.

Sorry. Uh...

Sorry.
Ugh.

I'm just gonna
move this... trash.

- What are you doing? -What's this?
A collection of essays.

Yeah. They're mine.
Christ!

Am I supposed to assume that you care about
things besides writing about dead people?

You can assume
whatever you want.

- That's how I generally operate.
- Yeah, no shit.

- What do you care?
- I never said I did care.

Okay, well, in the interest
of me getting back to my life,

what do you think your wild
card could end up being?

How about this?

Harriet Lauler,
ultimate lover of clean cars,

died this afternoon

after contracting
a staph infection

from inside
a Volvo station wagon.

All right.

I'll take that
as a "no."

Get in the car!
No.

All right, I'm just gonna
drive away with your purse.

Put this trash back here.

Bye.

Ugh!
That's what I thought.

Oh, god.

Would you like to come in
for some tea?

What?

Tea!
Would you like some tea?

Sure.
Well, good.

Come.
Okay.

Holy shit, Harriet.

Wh... oh!
I forgot I had those.

You forgot you had an extensive
collection of records?

Yeah. What, you for...
you forgot about this?

Yes.

God, '50s, '60s, '70s.

Where's the rest?
Did you...

Did you start collecting cds?
No.

I'd rather listen
to elevator music.

Why? Because it's tinny and there
aren't enough nuances in the mix?

Very good, Anne.
Yeah.

Thanks. Analog. I know.
All the way.

I'm totally into it.

But if you, um,
don't have a Cd collection,

then... then where's
the rest of your records?

There isn't any rest.
That's it.

Why?

Why are you so interested in this?
Really?

Yes, i... I am.
I would like to know.

When I was a kid, I loved
to listen to the radio.

I loved the disc jockeys. I
loved what they chose to play.

They would play something
very exploratory

and I would think,
"yes, I'd like to go there."

And I would listen to the music.

Then they'd play something really
bad, like, almost violent,

and I would take a look
at what I thought.

See what I mean?
They were in control of...

I guess, basically, my kind
of budding imagination.

Wait, so, um, who was
your favorite disc jockey?

Bobby Dale.
Bobby Dale.

Eclectic taste.
Minimum patter.

And really brilliant sequencing.

But then, you know,
as with everything,

music became a business.

And they put the music in a box.

And then my disc jockeys
became computers.

I didn't do it anymore.

Yeah, but that still exists,
you know.

I mean, this radio station
that I listen to, Koxa,

that's exactly
what you're talking about.

The DJs get to play
whatever music they want.

They have complete control
over the music they play.

It's amazing.
Harriet, you would love it.

Koxa. Independent music
for independent minds.

Number 107.2 on the dial.
Number one in your heart.

Hmm.

Okay.

Thanks.

Anne.

Joe Mueller.

I'm here about Harriet Lauler.

What could the ad agency do to make
the commercial better, in your mind?

Why are the people cartoons?
Is this an ad for kids?

Well, no, as I mentioned
at the beginning,

if this turned into a real
advertisement, they'd use real people.

They should use a celebrity.
I love Shelly long.

She has legs for days.

Oh, would you just shut up?

I'm Harriet Lauler.

I'm the creative director
of this agency.

A creative director is in charge

of the creative decisions
you make in your company!

Not other people

who sit around motivated
by plates of pizza and $15!

No, you know what?
I'm not gonna do this.

Because it's stealing.

You give me your money, and this
is what you expect in return?

It's bullshit.

I won't take your money anymore,
you spineless pieces of shit.

Harriet.
What?

Get her out of here.
Get the fuck off of me!

You hack!

Just... cut it.

They just threw her out.

Yeah.
It's her company.

She started it.

How can they do that?

She scared them.

Didn't like her 'cause
they couldn't control her.

Jesus Christ, man.

Exactly.

But you... you liked her?

I respected her.
I feared her.

Why'd you show this to me?

Guilt, maybe.

Probably.

She got screwed.

I didn't open my mouth.

They say that the really great
music can take you to those places

that you could never get to
on your own.

Well, this one definitely
does that for me.

So whatever your journey is,
see where this one takes you.

Robin sands, Koxa.

Well, I wish to speak
to Robin sands, please.

Yeah.

Hi. I'm Robin.

Yes, I'd like a job
as a disc jockey.

Uh, yeah, uh... I'm not
really looking at the moment.

But I noticed that your sound
transmission is not compressed.

Th-that's right, yeah.

Is that because of the
teletronix tube that you use?

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely right.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

We couldn't afford the big digital stuff
even if we wanted it, and we don't want it.

Well, I should hope not.
Damn right.

And who are you?

I'm Harriet Lauler, formerly
of Lauler advertising.

I am an older woman,
as you might have gathered.

But with age
comes certain attributes,

and one of mine is, I'm up
very early every morning.

I would gladly take over the
drive-time slot of dawn silver.

Uh, I'm... I'm dawn.

No, you're out. Your voice is thin
and your taste is pedestrian.

And what kind of music
would you play?

Robin, are you
fucking kidding me?

No, that is the wrong question.

Is it?
Mmm.

What's the right question?

The right question would be, what would I play
after I played Nina Simone's "gin house blues"?

What would you play after you played
Nina Simone's "gin house blues?"

Good question.
Thank you very much.

I would play "very special,"
Duke Ellington. Great.

Then I would play Van
Morrison, "Ro Ro Rosey."

- Great. -And I'd probably end
with something by the kinks.

- You like the kinks?
- Oh.

- The most underrated band...
- Of all time.

That's what I keep saying.
Don't I always say that?

You see, Robin, anybody
can pick a good song.

But a true disc jockey is interested
in the flow, in the sequencing

and... the block,
if you will.

I am very interested
in the block.

And I'm very wealthy, so I do
not have to have a salary.

Oh, well, that's great.

And who is this?
That's my intern.

- What up?
- What up?

All right, Harriet Lauler,
let's chat.

Whoa.
Let's do this.

Mmm!

Did I just lose my job
to a hundred-year-old woman?

You know, as a general rule,
most people are idiots.

Yeah.

So when you're confronted
by an idiot,

rather than make themself
aware of their idiocy,

it's best just to treat them like a dumb,
stupid child who doesn't know any better.

You know? So be patient
with the dummies, right?

Mm-hmm. Exactly.
Yeah.

This is Harriet Lauler for Koxa,

playing independent music
for independent minds.

Up next, we're kicking off
wild card weekend

with the kinks' classic...

Harriet.

Who's the disc jockey?

I... I'm stunned.

No. I wanted to do something like
this and I just made it happen.

Oh. Just like that?

Yes, of course.

Can I stay and watch?

Go outside.
I've got work to do here.

You can watch from out there.

Okay.

Eddie Cochran
was a solid choice.

Much respect to the rock block.

Wild card.

Much respect.

So where is he taking you?

No.

Well, I orchestrated
the whole thing.

Wh-why... why...
Why would you do that?

Just felt like something
that I should do.

No, you... you don't get
to control me, Harriet.

Is he taking you somewhere nice?

We're going to the cave this weekend.
The cave?

No, no, no. Absolutely not.
That is not the place.

What you have to do is tell him
to take you to caf� Bouchon.

What did I just say? I
heard what you just said.

But a proper date really does
include a very, very nice dinner.

This is not a proper date. We are going
as friends. That is what I told him.

Why would you say that to him?

Because I don't want to
ruin what we have.

But you just met.
You have nothing.

I have his show.

Ah.

Oh, well, there you have it.

Wh-what do I have?

It just shows me
what kind of child you are.

Anne Sherman died from
lethal injection last night

for the murder
of Harriet Lauler.

Her last words were,
"it was worth it."

Very good, Anne.
Excellent.

Hey, I was looking for you.

How is our favorite
senior citizen?

She's a handful.

I remember the stories
my father used to tell.

Scary, scary stories.

Thanks for
passing her off on me.

Well, it wasn't my choice, you know.
She chose you.

You should feel...

No.
Don't say "honored."

Fair enough. How about this?
Thank you.

Thank you for at least
giving me the chance

to not be the first Odom to completely
destroy his family's legacy.

Mmm.

Not gonna say, "you're welcome."
I'm just not gonna say it.

Hello, boss.

I have missed that so much.

Come in.

Liquid lunch?
Ooh, my favorite.

I remember.
Oh.

Terrace. Go.

Oh, Joe. Now tell me
why you're really here.

That's the original.

God.

Those bastards.

They still are.

Wasn't exactly my finest
hour either though, was it?

You were trying
to protect the agency.

Your agency.

You were a goddamn hero.

Hmm.

Harriet Lauler, goddamn hero.

I like it.

So that's the original.
Any copies?

Yeah, I made a copy
for your friend Anne.

Anne has seen this?

In your company!

Not other people
who sit around motivated

by plates of pizza and $15.

No, you know what?
I'm not gonna do this.

Because it's stealing.
It is stealing.

You give me your money, and this
is what you expect in return?

It's bullshit.

I won't take your money anymore,
you spineless pieces of shit!

Harriet.
What?

Get her out of here. Get the
fuck off of me! You hack!

No, I like to think
of myself as a curator,

bringing new artists and songs
to my listeners

that may be outside
of their norm.

Sort of like one of
the little wildlife explorers

bringing an exotic spice
back to the world.

I sound like
such a douche right now.

Robin sands, rock and
roll spice merchant.

It's kind of douchey.

You're funny.
You know that?

Why are you so surprised?

Why is everybody always
surprised when I crack a joke?

You know, obituary writer.

I'm not, like,
tortured and tormented.

I'm just gainfully employed.

I mean, it's, like, there's
a voyeuristic quality to it

that I find really interesting.

I have a backstage pass
to somebody else's life.

Okay, so what's the career
trajectory for an obituary writer?

Do you hope to write about famous
people when they eventually die or...

No. No.

I'm just... I'm just... I'm really
good with where I'm at right now.

Oh. No.
What?

No, no, no, no.

This is not healthy for
you to lie while you're...

I know it's
not technically a date,

but don't lie at the
beginning of a relationship.

Harriet, wh...
What are you doing here?

I, um... did she tell you
she wants to be a writer?

Yes, she is a writer.
No, no.

No, a real writer.
She wants to be an essayist.

Harriet, don't do that.

An essayist is someone
who has a unifying view,

a worldview.

Tell me something, Anne.

Wh-wh-what is your...

What are your collection
of essays saying?

I... don't know.

I don't believe you.
Do you believe her?

You know what, Anne? Let's
get out of here. No, no.

Ms. Sherman, I really am
just looking for an answer.

What is it that you want
to say in your essays?

Nothin'. I don't want
to say anything.

I have nothing interesting to say.
Oh, that's such bullshit.

Harriet, knock it off.
No. Mm-mmm.

Don't you protect her like
some kind of wounded animal.

If she wants to be a writer, she has
got to learn to express her mind.

- You don't have to listen to any of this, Anne.
- No, don't listen.

He's right.
Don't listen.

Go back in your little bubble.
No problem.

What is your problem?

Ambition neutered
by self-doubt.

Desire. Desire.

Desire is what
my essays are about.

It's, um...

It's... they're about
the sacrifice that we make

in order to fulfill our desires.

I'm so sorry I asked.

Oh, fuck off. All right? Oh, light!
I see some light!

You bait me into talking about
shit I don't want to talk about.

Then when I talk about it,
you mock me.

What's wrong with you?
Why don't you calm down?

I just want to understand what is in your
essays and what you're trying to do.

They're just so very precious, it seems.
Oh, really? Are they?

Yeah. I... i...

I need. I yearn.

I long. I deserve.

Oh, m... and the world, the world is
so much harder than you've dreamed.

I don't have any trophies.
I was supposed to get trophies.

You know, in hindsight,
this all makes some sense.

Oh, really? Go ahead.
Should be good.

I think you're trying
to write about yourself,

and you haven't got a goddamn
idea of the subject matter.

Go fuck yourself, Harriet.

So, uh, did you have a title
for your collection of essays?

Um...
Does it have a title?

Andalusia now.

Andalusia now. Does that
mean something to you?

Or is it just like something
you came up with?

When I was three, i...

My mom gave me this globe,

and every night
we would play a game.

Close your eyes.
Spin the globe.

Touch the globe, and wherever
your finger would land,

that's where you
would someday live.

Then one night, my finger landed on this
place on the Southern coast of Spain,

and my mom told me
it was Andalusia.

And I just thought that was the
most beautiful word I'd ever heard.

So...

That was the last time that we
played that game before she...

She l-left.

Thank you for telling me that.

Which way are you going?
This way?

Yeah.
Up that way.

We laid out four things
essential to a good obituary.

I'd say I have more than enough
material to make three of them work.

All that is left is family.

You need to see your daughter
and you need to make it right

because that is all that's left.

And that is the only thing keeping me
from ever having to see you again.

Oh. I see.

I spoke to your ex-husband.

He told me that Elizabeth lives
a few hours north of here.

We're going. I'm driving.

- In your car?
- Yes, in my car.

And Brenda's coming too.
I need a buffer.

I already called her mother.

Hi. How's everybody
doing this morning?

Mr. sands, would you
please make me a mix Cd?

Anne and Brenda and I
are going on a road trip.

Great.

A compilation of songs perfectly
suited for the occasion, please.

And what's the occasion?

We're visiting my daughter,
and she hates me.

Okay. So let me
get this straight.

Senior citizen control freak,
estranged daughter,

the obituary writer is driving,

and the nine-year-old intern from
the projects is in the backseat.

Yeah, I can get 37 songs out of that.
Very good.

- Perfect.
- I agree.

Me too.

Harriet, it's a one-day trip.
It's a day trip.

Yeah,
in your filth-mobile.

I've packed a change of clothes,

and I've packed some smoked salmon
tartines with fresh dill capers

and a sprinkling of goat cheese.

What the hell is a tartine?

It's a fancy name
for a sandwich.

We're gonna hit McDonald's, Brenda.
Don't worry. No, we're not.

Who wants McDonald's?
I do.

Here you go, darling.
Harriet?

Yeah.

I don't want anything really.

Oh, god.
Ha.

Oh, yes.

Road food.

This is better
than any fucking tartines.

Whoa!
Amen, sister.

"I was five when the circus
came to town.

I was six when it left.

I was seven when I realized
it was never coming back.

The ringleader spun plates,
sailed through rings of fire,

creating a world
of magic and mystery.

And then, in a puff
of diesel smoke,

the ringleader was gone.

Three rings,
two rings, one ring,

nothing.

There's nothing like a circus."

Very evocative. Lyrical.

I like it.

Who wrote it?

Me.
I don't get it.

It's okay.

It's about mothers
and daughters.

So basically you're a poet.

I don't know what I am, Brenda.

Well, you gotta be something.

God put you into the world
so you can be something.

You gotta be somethin'.

I gotta pee.

Go ahead.

No problem in this car.

- Please don't do that.
- I gotta pee all over the place!

Now I gots to pee!

I gots to pee.

This is not funny, Harriet!
I can hear you.

Tiny dancer outside.

You know, I used to have
this recurring nightmare

that I'd be wrapping Elizabeth
in blankets and pillows

and swaddling her and loving her

and protecting her.

And then I would look down
and realize

I was so overprotective
that I smothered her to death.

Whoo. Jesus.

Well...

I wonder what she's like now.

What she'll think of me.

It's kind of great
that we get to find out.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So this is where
she wanted to meet?

Your ex-husband said she eats lunch
here every Thursday at 12:35.

Thirty-five?

It's a little bosh,
don't you think?

Let's just focus on your daughter.
Oh, my god.

- Hello, mother.
- Hello.

I didn't know we were going
to have an audience.

Oh, no. This is a young
woman I know named Anne.

And this is Brenda.

Well, I don't have much time.

- Maybe enough for a salad.
- But you just got here.

Mother, relax.
Have a drink.

Why don't we order?
Excuse me.

Okay. Brenda?

- How's the lobster?
- No. No lobster. No.

- Chicken parm.
- Same.

- Mother.
- I will have a salad ni�oise.

Not raw, just seared.

And some beans... yellow and
not red... and some capers.

I'll have the panzanella.
Capers instead of olives.

White onions instead of red.

Make sure the heirloom
tomatoes are ripe.

And I want some basil.

- Fresh.
- I want some basil too.

On the side.

On the side.

So...

So. How are you?

Well, I'm wonderful.

- Good. Tell me.
- Where did we last leave off?

Oh, yes. I remember.

It was when you told my boyfriend
he wasn't good enough for me.

Well, I was hoping maybe
he would prove me wrong.

It was our engagement party.

Well, that was bad timing.
That is true.

But you didn't bring him
around to meet me until then.

Gee, what was I thinking?

I don't know.
What were you thinking?

You know what? Forget it.

This whole thing is so ironic.
What do you mean, ironic?

How all these years
I've resented you,

and then I find out
I'm... just like you.

Oh, you're being cryptic,
Elizabeth. Mm-mmm.

I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive
personality disorder.

It's a condition that,
unfortunately, we both have.

I'm sorry?

An unyielding belief that
everyone else is the problem.

Well, but for the most part,
that's true.

An obsession with perfectionism.

You don't want to settle
for anything less.

- I see nothing wrong with that.
- Uh-huh.

It's not too late to let go of the
condition. You can unburden yourself.

You can be happy and at peace.

Elizabeth, I am who I am.

You're a grandmother.

Really?
Yeah.

I have two sons.
Two sons.

Spencer and Sage.
Wait, wait, wait.

- Please tell me you're married.
- I'm married, yes.

His name is Josh.
He's a...

Yeah, what do you do now?
What's your job?

I'm a neurologist.
Mm-hmm.

Some consider me
to be one of the best...

And are you happy?
In the country.

I am happy.

I have a good life.

And you should be a part of it.

I would really like that.

- Mmm.
- Great.

So you'll see a therapist?

I can't bring you into the house
with you being this way.

You gotta meet the kids.

You'll see they're wonderful.

You'll fall in love with them.

Is that funny?
What's funny about it?

I don't understand.

I...

Seriously,
I don't know what this is.

I've literally never
seen my mother laugh.

What are you laughing about?

Mother, why are you laughing?

Mother, why are you laughing?

She only laughs
when she's wrong.

Wrong? What were
you wrong about?

- List the many things.
- About me. About me.

About you?
I was wrong about me.

I don't understand. 'Cause you
got this wonderful husband.

And you got these two great kids.
And you're happy.

You said you were happy, yes?
Yeah. That's true.

That means I was a great mother!

What?

You know I succeeded in
spite of you, mother. No.

It was me.

Why did you want to see me?

I guess to take inventory.

Well, isn't that perfect.

- Good-bye, mother.
- Bye.

I was a good mother.

Mmm. Wow.

Harriet, you're a piece of work.

I am who I am.

Let's get out of here.
Come on.

- Something's wrong with the car. -For
god's sake, we all knew this was coming.

But you can definitely get it
fixed by tomorrow morning?

Great.

Let's see.
It's all the way down here.

Room 6.

Six.
Come on!

Sleep... sleepover!

Sleepover!

Whoo!

We're gonna have a sleepover!

You think someday my dad may show
up and want to get food with me?

I don't know.
Is that what you want?

I get it. You want it,
but you wish you didn't.

Yeah, I guess so.

I get it. My mom left us
when I was younger than you.

Have you seen her since?

No.

I ain't seen my dad either.

Sucks, right?

His loss.

- Yeah. His loss.
- Yeah.

- I'm awesome.
- Yeah, you are awesome.

- I really am awesome.
- Yes.

I know.
You're kind of awesome too.

You think so?
You think that I'm awesome?

You know what I think?
What?

Fuck your mom.

Where are we going?

It's so warm.

Careful.
Careful.

Oh.

It looks so pretty.

Hmm.

What do you think?

It's nice, huh?

- Do you think we should go in?
- Yeah.

All right. Let's take off our clothes.
Yeah! Let's go.

Come here.

Let's not get anything wet.
Let's put it all on the side.

Okay.

Now. Okay?

One, two, three!

Oh, my god.

It's awesome here.

That'd be funny!

Whoo!

This has been the best day ever.

You have so many good days
ahead of you, my honey.

It's true.

- Want my kitkat?
- No. Nobody has sugar now.

You see that bird over there? Look,
there's a bird living in the...

Sorry.

Thank you so much.
Shake.

Appreciate it.
Thank you.

Thanks for paying.

Brenda!

Um, can we get a... can we get a picture?
Let's get a picture.

Yes, yes, yes.
One selfie for memories.

Okay.
Ready?

Call me Mrs. long arm.

Good.

All right, let's go.
Shotgun!

This is Dr. Morgan calling
for Harriet Lauler.

If you could get back to me
at your earliest convenience,

I would like to discuss
your test results with you.

Congestive heart failure,
simply put,

means the volume of blood
being pumped by your heart

is unable to meet
your body's needs.

- I don't have a weak heart.
- No. No.

But it is overworked.

Treatment?

Um,

you're not really a suitable
candidate, I'm afraid.

How long do I have?

It's difficult
to assess prognosis, really,

with these types of cases.

And how will it happen?

Again, it's...
Difficult to assess.

Yeah. I...
This does not work for me.

I wish I had
better news for you.

I'm... really sorry.

I suppose the word "sorry"
and its usage in this case

is reasonable.

I've been working
on my bedside manner.

Like I give a shit.

Wh-what's going on?

You okay?
What happened?

I had no one else to call.

So you've got a weak heart? No.

I have an overworked heart.

And it can happen at any time?

That's what he told me.

Like in the shower?
Yes.

Like going to the bathroom?
Yeah.

Talking to me, like, right now?

Yes. Why are you struggling
to understand this?

I'm just... I'm...

It must be killing you.

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

You're basically just waiting.

Well, we're all waiting.

Anne, the obit.

You have enough material
now to do a rewrite, yes?

Yeah.
Okay.

Okay. All right.
I'm gonna get on it.

Good.
Thank you.

As I live and breathe.

Well, from the looks of it,
I'm not sure you do.

I see you still have that stick
stuck up your keister.

I would tell you
to go drop dead,

but I'm afraid
you'd take me up on it.

I'm gonna go make some tea.

So you want to talk to me
about why we split?

Is that why you're here?

It's been 22 years.

I've just finished paying off my attorney.
With my money.

That's right.
Thanks.

Edgar, please, help me here.

Well, I never subscribed
to the notion

that marriage is about
learning to compromise.

Well, compromise just means that two
people are miserable instead of one.

Sometimes you got your way.

And sometimes your husband
buys an alpaca farm.

Sometimes your wife spends a small fortune
on the world's most uncomfortable couch!

That wasn't a couch.
It was a settee.

That's French
for herniated disc.

But you're not supposed to lie on it.
It's a couch!

That's what it's for.
Okay.

I'm so tired, Edgar.

I knew what I was getting
when I married you.

That was my choice.

And I have never regretted it.

Never.

Well, Elizabeth didn't have a choice.
She was stuck with me.

You did the best you could.
No, I didn't.

You did good.
You were better than me.

You...

Oh, yeah, you were her protector.
You were such a good father.

Yeah.

- I understand you've seen her.
- Yes.

Well, you know, Elizabeth,

she is convinced that you have
some kind of mental condition.

Hmm?

Yes!

Maybe true.

Thank you.

This is Harriet Lauler
saying good morning,

and what does that really mean?

Please don't have a nice day.

Have a day that matters.
Have a day that's true.

Have a day that's direct.
Have a day that's honest.

A nice day... mm-mmm.

You'll be miserable.

Anyway, that's my thought
that you should carry through

as you're doing your
housework, your homework,

your driving work, your playing
work, your working work.

Have a day that means something.

Okay, I'm gonna listen
to this music now

and try to make this time
mean something.

- You ready?
- You tell me.

You're a great writer.

Yeah? Wow.

You're a great obituary writer.

Okay.

Uh, yeah.
I knew it. All right.

No, no, no. Stop.
These are good.

These are very good.
But they're fantasy.

They're a girl's fantasy.
You're a woman.

I would like you
to write that reality.

I... I'm afraid
of making a mistake.

No. You don't make mistakes.

Mistakes make you.

Mistakes make you smarter.

They make you stronger, and they
make you more self-reliant.

But I'm not like you, Harriet.

I don't... possess
your fearlessness.

Let me tell you something
I never could tell my daughter.

Fall on your face.

- What?
- Fail.

Fail spectacularly.

That's... that's your advice?
Yes.

Because when you fail,
you learn.

When you fail, you live.

I don't know if I can
write your obituary.

Oh, please.
They're just words.

Yeah, but...

I mean, I know. I just...

I'm just not ready to close
this chapter of my life.

But this is my life
that we're closing, not yours.

Yes, but your life
is way more interesting.

Oh, honey. Come here.

Yours hasn't even begun.

Yes.

I wanted to do that.

Thank you.

Okay, see you.
Okay.

No, I'm just kidding.

You smell nice.

It's vinyl
and stagnant '90s apathy.

Um, thanks for the coffee.
Can I, uh...

I kind of want to keep this.

Hello.

Harriet?

I'll be right there.

At least when you do
the f-word, you know...

I just learned a truly
remarkable turn of phrase.

What?
Fuck bomb.

Sorry?
Fuck bomb.

- Yeah, that's what I thought you said.
- Explain.

All right.

First you got the f-word.

One level up from that,
that's the f-bomb.

One level up from that,
that's fuck.

But something seriously fucked
up, that's a fuck bomb.

That's what you wanted
to tell me?

I'm sorry, but I do
need your help.

The act of public aggression
that I have planned

will probably end up
with you and me in jail.

What about me?

Juvie.

I'm in.

And then you will have to
call her mother from jail.

Criminal mastermind
Harriet Lauler

gunned down in a Blaze of glory.

Now, that's a wild card.

Yes, it certainly is.

Now, here's my plan.

Hey, Towy, come here.
Thanks for coming.

Take the chain out of there, wind
it, go over there to that sign

and rip off the "l."

- Hurry up.
- Let's do this.

- Got it?
- Come on, Towy. Tie it up. Let's go.

Okay, faster, faster, faster.

Come on! Let's go! Hurry, hurry, hurry.
One more time.

Move your ass!

- Maybe like two inches to the left.
- -Get it together!

- Okay. It's all done. In the truck. Hey!
- Let's go.

In the car. In the car. Thank you, sir.
Careful.

Harriet! What on earth
do you think you're doing now?

I'm doing exactly what I should
have done a long time ago.

That's it!
I will personally see to it

that every single shred of evidence that
you ever even worked here is wiped out.

Good.
I can live with that.

Come on, Harriet!

Punch it!

Oh, yeah!
Bye-bye.

Fuck bomb!
The fuck bomb.

Come on. Hurry up!

Welcome to
the Anne and Brenda show!

She's just sleepin'.

Now, Harriet Lauler
was thoughtful enough

to provide me with instructions
for her service today.

A thorough set of instructions.

The flowers, the music, the
readings, the seating arrangements.

All chosen by Harriet.

I was also asked by Harriet
to inform you all

that she has bequeathed
her house to the town of Bristol

so it can be turned
into a new public library.

A library where all the books
will be displayed

in alphabetical order
because... and I quote...

"the Dewey decimal system
is for losers."

A sizable donation

has also been granted
to the gazette.

And I'm supposed to say,
"you can relax now, Ronald."

And finally,
to Robin Sands and Koxa,

Harriet offers her expertly
curated record collection,

including every record
by the kinks,

the most underrated band
of all time.

At this time,

Harriet has requested for her
friend, Anne Sherman, to speak

for no more
than three-and-a-half minutes.

A lifelong lover
of rock and roll

who became a disc jockey
at the age of 81,

Harriet Lauler passed away
Thursday evening.

As the founder
of Lauler advertising,

she presided for many years

over one of the most successful
advertising agencies in the state.

She remained close
with former colleagues

and recently was often found
at the community center,

where she mentored
Brenda Wilson,

a young girl from south Bristol.

She is survived by her daughter, Dr.
Elizabeth O'Malley,

and two grandchildren,
Spencer and Sage.

This is her obituary,
and it's shit.

I wrote it.

The truth is, I didn't think

that in the matter of a
couple of weeks... a month...

That I would be standing here

talking about a woman
that I truly loved.

A woman who made me
want to quit my job.

And a woman who made me feel
like I was a piece of shit.

Um...

But she didn't feel that way
about me,

and she didn't feel that way
about any of you.

She was just challenging us
to be the best...

Our best selves,

because she saw...

What we had

that we didn't, and that's...

That's the most amazing thing.

So...

I think it's really a good thing
that we knew Harriet Lauler.

I think it sucks
that she died, but...

At the end of the day,

all I really needed to say...

All I really ever needed to say was
that she will not be forgotten.

That's the best that any of us can hope
for... that we will not be forgotten.

Harriet Lauler lived her life.

And I'm gonna honor her memory
by doing the same.

This is not my letter
of resignation.

This is my obituary.

The young girl who worked for
you for the last seven years

is dead and buried.

She leaves behind
a lifetime of indecision,

hesitation and fear.

She will not be missed,

she will not be mourned,

because she was really
never alive to begin with.

But she is now,

and she has her entire life
in front of her...

An entire life just waiting to be filled.
I'll miss you.