All language subtitles for The Real ONeals - 01x06

Kenny: I really love my dad and brother,

but sometimes I don't fully understand

their male-bonding
rituals, especially this one.

- Boy battle!
- Boy battle!

Let's go. Come on!

Pat: How are you gonna
win regionals next week

if you don't know the fundamentals?

Some of the rituals are
just too gay, even for me.

Okay, if purple nurples are legal...

Aah! Oh, god! Ah!

Jimmy, listen, that's enough!

Hey, hey, hey!

Take your fight club down
to your divorce apartment.

I'm sorry I fought for that,
'cause it really sounds weird.

Let's just call it a basement.

Also, I was cleaning out the garage.

What would you like me
to do with this tent?

[Chuckling] Look at that.

This is the tent I
bought when you were born

so I could take you camping.

Huh. I don't remember that.

Well, again, you were just born.

Well, what do you say, Jimmy?

You want to take her out
this weekend, break it in?

Can we use leaves as toilet paper?

- [Chuckles]
- I've always wanted to try that.

Oh, of course we
can, but not all of them.

Remember, "leaves of
three, let them be,"

especially when it comes to your butt.

That's very good advice, Pat.

Also, if a grizzly
bear attacks, don't run.

Just puff yourself up to
make yourself look bigger.

Have fun.

Well, this is gonna be great, huh?

Start a new tradition
with the O'Neal men.

[Clears throat]

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, good call, Kenny.

Eileen, could you make
us some sandwiches?

Eileen: Uh, real men make
their own sandwiches!

That's not why I went "ahem."

I went "ahem"

because if you're going on
a father/son camping trip,

shouldn't you take all of your sons?

[Both laugh]

[Laughs] What's so funny?

Kenny, come on. You hate nature.

I do not.

Don't you remember what happened

when you went to the
butterfly sanctuary?

Woman: There, on that
young man's shoulder,

is the very rare incandescent luna moth.

Only 30 of them
exist in the United States.

[Screams]

My point is, just because I'm gay

doesn't mean I can't
do man things, you know?

Like bonding with my brother
and my dad on a camping trip.

I mean, "Into the Woods" is
one of my favorite musicals.

Listen, if this is
something you really want to do,

of course you can come.

Come on.

First job... take that tent outside,

- make sure it's got a rain fly.
- Rain?!

[Clears throat] You think it might rain?

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Okay, I'm off to confirmation class.

Your last one.

It's really not that big of a deal, Mom.

It's the biggest deal.

In just a week, the archbishop
will confirm you

as an adult member of the church.

My little Catholic girl

is becoming a little Catholic woman.

Well, I'm gonna grab a
little Catholic apple.

You want to get some
coverage of that, too?

Don't be ridiculous. Of
course I do. Hold it up.

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Sighs] Where's Kenny?

Do you think he changed his mind?

Kenny: He most certainly did not!

♪ It's the final countdown ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The final countdown ♪

What's up, muchachos?

Kenny, we're going for
one night, not one lifetime.

I know. I know this seems like a lot,

but last night, I watched
a wilderness expert

demonstrate the ins and
outs of outdoor survival.

- Bear Grylls?
- Reese Witherspoon.

I watched "Wild" twice.

So, anything we might
need is in these three bags.

Oh, hey, who wants a luna bar?

"Whole nutrition bar for women"?

Yeah, I know. I looked at the
packaging and saw a moon,

and I thought "camping!"

Kenny, you can't take all
these bags. Pick one.

Come on, but the... these bags

contain the necessary
tools for survival.

[Whirring]

We really need this?

I don't know how you're gonna
make a cappuccino without foam,

but, sure, I guess
we're the Donner Party.

♪ ♪

[Door opens]

Feel my hands.

Feel how soft my hands are.

Why are they so spongy?

Because of the dead sea mineral mud.

It's in the lotion my boyfriend, Yossi,

sells at his kiosk in the mall.

Well, hopefully he treats
you better than the guy

who sells pillow pets at
his kiosk in the mall.

I can't help it. I have a type.

Which dress do you like better?

I'm not sure how to say this,

but trying to dress younger
than your age always backfires.

- Remember my overalls?
- I'll never forget.

You weren't wearing a shirt underneath.

No, the dress isn't for me.

It's for Shannon's confirmation.

She's at her last class right now.

I hate to break it to you, but
I just saw her at the mall.

Oh, I seriously doubt that.

It's probably just
someone who looks like Shannon.

No, I said, "Hi, Shannon."
She said, "Hey, Aunt Jodi."

And then I tried to
sell her some lotion.

What?

I'm sorry,

but Yossi had to go to the bathroom,

and I offered to watch his kiosk.

I mean, he's all alone out there!

Oh, you're talking
about the Shannon thing.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

That's not good.

Jimmy: Ugh, it's so hot out!

I can feel the sweat
pooling in my belly button!

I don't know why you
chose to wear jeans on a hike,

denim being one of the
least breathable fabrics.

I compensated with these flip-flops,

one of the most breathable shoes.

How you holding up back there, Kenny?

Doing all right with
that monster bag of yours?

Mm. I infused my water
with lemon and cucumber.

Now, if "Wild" taught us anything,

it's that we are all
capable of more than we think.

Also, don't do heroin in an alleyway

or someone might steal your wallet.

Ah, damn it!

I blew a flip-flop.

[Sighs] Why would you wear those hiking?

You said that we were camping, which
means that we sleep in a tent

and we eat beans and then we go home.

Not to worry... I have an
extra pair of Timberlands in my bag.

What? You brought an
extra pair of hiking boots?

Yeah, I didn't want
to end up like Reese,

you know, when her toenail falls off

and then she throws
her shoe in the canyon.

And then she screams because it
reminds her of shooting a horse.

Didn't really get that part.

Well, hey, thank
goodness Kenny's prepared.

Hate to risk your feet with
the regionals next week.

Oh, that reminds me.

I was gonna save
this until later, but...

- [Chuckles]
- [Chuckles]

I have so many questions.

Um... I mean, most of
them start with... Why?

Well, they're for your meet.

I got them made for the entire family.

So, if you can't wrestle 'cause
you hurt yourself hiking,

I'm just gonna be a guy
with a boy on his shirt.

A boy in a leotard.

But that's not gonna
happen, thanks to Kenny.

You're really turning into
quite the outdoorsman.

Well, out of the closet and...

♪ Into the woods ♪

♪ ♪

How was confirmation class?

Oh, you know,

just the father and the
son and the holy spirit.

The uszh.

I know you weren't in class.

Aunt Jodi said she saw you at the mall.

Do you trust that Yossi guy?

'Cause I'm pretty
sure that dead sea lotion

comes from a dirt lot in Naperville.

Do not change the subject.

Why were you not at confirmation class?

Because I don't want to get confirmed.

Shannon, this is not your choice.

Actually, it is my choice.

Confirmation is supposed to be

the first adult decision
I make in the church.

And before I make that
decision, I have some questions.

Fine. What do you want to know?

Well, to begin with,

if the first two
people were Adam and Eve,

where did Cain and Abel get their wives?

I am sick of this sass.

That's it.

Do I need to bring
in the special forces?

Do you want me to call Father Phil?

Mm, not especially,

but you just have to
do what's right for you.

And that was shade, not sass.

Oh.

[Upbeat tune plays]

Oh!

[Chuckles]

Well, thanks for bringing this, Kenny.

Gosh, I never even knew

there was such a thing
as a collapsible banjo.

Yeah, saw it on "Shark Tank."

Mark Cuban shot it
down, but I believe in it.

Me too.

Well, nature calls. [Groans]

If I scream once, I need more leaves,

and if I scream twice, there's a bear.

Your extra-credit hiking
boots are killing my feet.

Oh, well, I have Epsom salts, moleskin.

I may even have an extra pair

of gel inserts in
my bag if you want me...

Okay, we get it.

You're the best camper in the world.

Okay, will you please just
slow your roll a little bit?

- You're making me look bad.
- I'm sorry.

I'm not... I'm not
trying to make you look bad.

I'm trying to make me look good.

Look, I want to be a part of
all the... O'Neal men traditions.

You know, boy battles, nipple pinchin'.

This trip wasn't about you
proving your manhood.

It was a chance for me to soften up Dad

for the news I'm about to drop.

What is it?

I'm gonna tell you,

but you have to promise not to tell Dad.

I promise.

I quit wrestling.

You what?

I quit the team.

There are no regionals next week.

Uh, there are. I am just not in them.

Jimmy, wrestling is
your whole entire life.

And Dad's.

He is making some very,
very poor fashion decisions

based on it.

- This is going to kill him.
- I know!

That's why I haven't told him yet.

But thank you for... for
spelling it out for me.

I'm sorry, but I have
something that is going to cheer you up.

[Banjo music plays]

You brought hot chocolate?

Actually...

It's Mexican drinking
cho... you know what?

Just [Clears throat] why
don't you enjoy that?

- Don't forget your garnish.
- No.

I like sandwiches!

Good morning, camper.

It is 6:30. Yeah.

Up and at 'em.

This is balls.

Camping sucks.

This is worse than "Naked and Afraid."

I'm just... I'm cold
and I'm very frustrated.

So, while I was
meditating with the sunrise,

I was thinking,

you should just tell Dad
the truth about wrestling.

I have a better idea.

Last night, while I was
tossing and turning,

I came up with a brilliant plan.

I am going to physically injure myself.

- What?
- Dad said so himself.

If I'm hurt, I can't
camp and I can't wrestle.

It's a one-two punch. It's
two birds, one stone.

It's two for the money! Bang, bang!

Did you eat those
berries I told you to put down?

Of course I did, and
they were delicious.

The points is, is that I'm
not gonna do anything permanent.

You know, just something that
takes two weeks to heal,

and then wresting season will be over.

I have 10 toes.

That's, like... Eight more than I need.

- No...
- Let's go, boys!

- Tough day ahead!
- Okay, no, Jimmy.

You need your toes. You
need all of your toes.

- Just tell Dad the truth.
- I'm sorry, Kenny.

I know you love my
toes, but they got to go.

♪ ♪

Thank you so much for
coming, Father Phil.

Oh, my pleasure.

I actually like making house calls.

It's fun to walk down the
street in my priest outfit.

[Chuckles] Oh. Well,
I had to do something.

It's my responsibility as her mother

to make sure this confirmation happens.

After that, she can
send herself to hell.

Well, rest assured, Eileen.

I've talked to grooms with
cold feet, grieving widows.

I even had a walk-on part as
a chaplain on "Chicago P.D."

So a doubting
teenager is a piece of cake.

Oh, I hope so.

I've succeeded in
getting two Catholics confirmed,

but this third one is
teetering on the brink.

Yeah, I said I've got it.

Go forth, Father.

Come on back down if you need me.

I don't think I will.

- Okay.
- [Sighs]

- Thank you!
- Enough!

Look, my Mom inviting you over

is a little too "Exorcist" for my taste,

but I have questions

and no one is willing to answer them.

Well, that's what I'm here for.

Now, what are you curious about?

Is it the immaculate conception?

Because a lot of people
confuse that with the virgin birth.

No, that's kid stuff.

Let's not waste each other's time.

What I'm curious about is the pope.

Well, fire away.

How can a group of fallible men

elect a fallible man as their leader

who then becomes
infallible through the election?

[Chuckles]

The pope is only infallible in
matters of faith and morals

when he's speaking ex cathedra.

Well, that seems like
cherry-picking, but fine.

Next question... if all
God's children are created equal,

how come that infallible
man can't be a woman?

This is why I chose a profession

where I couldn't have children.

♪ ♪

All right, you guys hang
out here for a second.

I'm gonna go see if I can
spot Shadow Lake from up there.

Oh, hey, Kenny, you
didn't happen to bring any...

That's my boy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Which one of these
rocks looks like it'll cause

the most amount of injury but
the least amount of pain?

Just stop. Stop.

Breaking your toe is not the answer.

This is the part in
"Wild" where Reese sees the fox

but it's not really there.

It's not there, Jimmy!

I'm sick of being held to
an impossible standard!

I'm... I'm not a champion wrestler.

I'm not Reese Witherspoon.

[Sighs]

This is it. This is definitely the one.

Okay, go distract Dad while
I drop this on my toe.

[Sighs]

I always assumed my straight brother

had an easier time bonding with my dad,

but maybe it was harder

because the bar was so much higher.

I'm gonna get you
home with all your toes.

How are... how?

By setting gay
people back a hundred years.

Dad!

I can't do this!

My calves are cramping,

and I'm missing a "Housewives" reunion.

I just... I can't
carry this bag another step.

I need to go home.

What? But you were doing so great.

I'm sorry. I hope you're
not too disappointed.

I'm not disappointed.

I'm proud of how much you've done

and that you were
willing to even give it a go.

Thanks.

Well, guess there's
only one thing to do.

- Go home?
- I'm gonna name a toe after you.

No, nobody's going home.

Jimmy, you're gonna
have to carry Kenny's pack.

- O'Neal men don't quit.
- No, no, I don't think that's...

No, he'll be fine. Don't
worry about him.

It'll build up his
endurance. It's a win-win.

Two birds, one stone. Two for the money.

Bang, bang!

I'm so sorry.

[Grunts]

What do you have in here, rocks?

Aw, come on. I don't want to
hear any belly-aching, Jimmy.

This is gonna be great
training for your meet next week.

And if you win, you're on to state.

I already got a great
idea for the shirts, too.

It's gonna be a picture of Jimmy

wearing the shirt on the shirt.

Okay, stop making shirts!

I... I quit the wrestling team.

What? When?

- Last week.
- Well, then there's still time,

'cause you're gonna go
back to that coach on Monday,

tell him you made a mistake, and
ask him to get back on that team.

No, I'm not gonna do that.

- I hate wrestling.
- What?

And also, camping sucks

and should involve way less walking.

Oh! Oh!

And by the way, Kenny
was pretending to be weak.

He is a... he is a very
macho homosexual camper.

[Mumbling]

How'd it go?

Uh, uh, not well.

Uh, Sh-Shannon has a
lot of difficult questions.

But isn't it your
job to have the answers?

I mean, isn't that
why I asked you over here?

Isn't that what you
promised me you'd do?

Enough with the
questions. You both are relentless.

I have to go.

I'm sorry.

But you said it'd be a piece of cake.

What about the grieving widows?

What about "Chicago P.D."?

I was cut, okay?! I looked in the lens!

Shannon, I don't know
what you asked Father Phil,

but he ran out of here like
he'd seen the devil.

Shannon?

Where did she get a fire ladder?

That's so well-anchored.

Shannon, it's your mother.

I have left several
messages, and I think I tweeted at you.

What is the point having a cellphone

- if you don't answer or call me back?
- [Beep]

Oh, someone's calling.

Oh, fish! It's Jodi. Hang on.

Jodi, what is it? There's an emergency.

Shannon's run away from
home, and she's abandoned her faith

and her family, and I
have no idea where she is.

I just saw your tweet.

She's at the mall again, and
she just sold me a Pretzel.

What? What are you talking about?

She works at Tilly's Pretzels.

Apparently, that's why
she was here yesterday.

She has a job? She's 14 years old.

She makes pretzels like a 20-year-old.

Maybe you should come by and get her,

and then you can meet
Yossi while you're here.

He's having a great deal on hand lotion.

It's only 99 bucks a bottle.

If you buy one at full price first.

No, I'd rather wait for her here.

And I need to see if
it sticks with Yossi

before I buy any product.

[Brakes squeal]

Look, I know this male-bonding
trip sucked for you guys,

but I have to say, it was
a personal triumph for me.

I'm gonna press these wild
flowers in a memory book.

[Sighs] Okay, why
don't you two stop acting

so macho and actually talk?

Fine. Jimmy, are you ready to talk yet?

No, I'm not.

See what I'm dealing with?

I'm gonna go watch the
bulls in my divorce apartment...

I mean my basement!

As annoying as I found their
straight-male rituals,

there was only one way to fix this.

Boy battle!

[Europe's "The Final Countdown" plays]

Boy battle?

Boy battle.

Straight guys are so simple.

♪ ♪

[Laughs]

See? You love this.

Why on earth would
you want to give it up?

Because you put too much pressure on it.

Me being a wrestler is the
only thing you care about.

What?

That's what you really think?

Yeah.

You even took me on a camping trip,

and all you could talk
about was the match.

I took you on a camping
trip because you're my son

and I like to spend time with you.

And, sure, I like
that you're a wrestler.

- I enjoy going to your matches.
- Enjoy?

You had t-shirts printed for the
whole family with my body on it.

I mean, I look good.

Well, listen, if I'm pressuring you,

it's because you're really
good at wrestling

and I think that's your
ticket into college.

So I can be a wrestler in college?

No, so you can be in college.

I don't know if you pay
attention when your grades come out,

but you get what we
generously call an athlete's report card.

So, you really wanted me to
wrestle for me, not for you?

Look, as far as I'm
concerned, once you get into college,

I don't care if you ever wrap your arms

around another man ever again.

Unless, of course, it's to
give your old man a hug.

[Sighs]

Come on.

Attaboy.

[Chuckles]

See? That's much bet...

Aah!

Oh.

I'll think about it.

[Groaning] Why do I keep
my keys in my back pocket?

Ohh.

All right, let's just
get this over with.

So, is this how it's
gonna be between us?

One day, your father will move out,

Jimmy will move
out, Kenny will move out,

and suddenly I'm just renting a
room to a lying pretzel maker.

Look, I'm sorry I lied to you, Mom,

but I knew you
wouldn't let me have the job.

All this time, I thought
you were in confirmation class,

taking a step towards adulthood.

I am taking a step toward adulthood.

I've been working.

I was there for less than two weeks,

and they made me shift manager.

I have the combination to the safe.

Look, Shannon, I don't
know what else to do.

Your being confirmed is
very important to me.

Isn't that reason enough to do it?

I love going to church as a family,

but I also have a questioning mind,

and it's hard for me to
believe in things I don't see.

That's why I love my job.

I know what I'm doing,
I know why I'm doing it,

and I know who I'm working for.

Okay, then let me ask you a question.

- Have you met Tilly?
- No.

And yet you trust that
at the end of the week,

this Tilly lady will write you a check

for all the hard work you've done.

And then you take that
check and you deposit it in a bank

and trust that they'll keep it for you.

That's faith.

Well, actually, Tilly sold the company

to a private equity firm in 2007,

but I get what you're saying.

I guess if I can give our
failed banking system so much leeway,

maybe I could do the same for god.

You're smarter than most people.

You get that from me.

So, I'm not gonna
make you get confirmed,

and I'm not gonna
make you quit your job.

I'm gonna trust in your
maturity to make the right decision.

I mean, you bought
yourself a fire ladder.

I bought fire
ladders for the whole family.

There's one under each of your beds.

You people never plan for disaster.

Hey.

Where you off to?

- Wrestling practice.
- Really?

It is a good path to
college, and it's easier.

School is hard.

Where you off to?

Confirmation class.

Really?

I figured when it comes to god,

it's like putting your fingers

anywhere near the pretzel-dough cutters.

Better to be safe than sorry.

[Door opens, closes]

[Clears throat]

Are you both crying?

Seriously, you guys need to man up.

[Burps]

Okay, so I think the horse

might represent Reese's lost innocence.

- Mm-hmm.
- She's hot.

She just lost her
toenail and she's crying.

Well, she's hot when she cries.

- Dad, please help me out here.
- Well, she is pretty fit.

She's been hiking for months,

and, you know, she did a
lot of heroin before that,

so, yeah, she's gonna be slim.

Oh, she's finally gonna take a shower.

- [Sighs]
- Good for her.

Yeah, we get to see Reese's pieces.

No, male bonding is overrated.

- Hey!
- Come here.

- What are you doing?
- [Chuckles]

Get off of me! Get off of me!

I don't boy battle!

Synced and corrected by VitoSilans
- www.Addic7ed.com -