All language subtitles for The Real O Neals - 01x05

Kenny: There's nothing
like the first warm day

after an endless Chicago winter.

♪ ♪

Is it... warm?

I-it's 52 degrees.

[Crying]

People go a little nuts.

[All cheering]

♪ Yesterday was dark and gray,
but I know we will move along ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

- Ohhhh!
- ♪ Looking for a holiday ♪

♪ I found a place that's
nice and warm for my escape ♪

The sunshine makes you
ready for a fresh start.

More importantly, it makes you think

that anything might be possible.

♪ Hey, how ya doin'? ♪

- [School bell rings]
- ♪ it feels so good to see you smile ♪

At school, skin is
showing and love is in the air.

But spring for the only out gay kid

at a midwestern Catholic high school

is a little lonely.

I mean, there is clearly gay Stewart.

Hi.

But Stewart's still working
through some stuff.

Mm.

Bitch, you are delish.

Too bad I'm off carbs.

[Both laugh]

I risked everything by coming out,

all so I would be less lonely,

but I'm more alone than ever.

Sometimes, life makes you wonder.

Ow! Watch it!

Hey, sorry!

I hate frisbee. It's so hard.

Oh, my god.

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Archie: God bless the women of Chicago.

Bringing out the legs
the minute it breaks 50

just like little troupers.

I hope all these girls have
some warm coats in their cars

'cause it could be
winter again in an hour.

I'm just gonna ignore that and
enjoy this bounty of limbs,

which you, as a newly
single man, should be doing, too.

Yeah, but I'm not really
single yet. That's the thing.

I'm just in this weird sexless purgatory

where all I do is learn how
to use the washer/dryer.

All the more reason to open your
eyes and let in the limbs.

Honestly, man, I'm so far
from getting back out there again.

I don't even see them.

I still have marriage eyes.

Is that why they're so cold and dead?

Yes, it is.

♪ ♪

Jodi: Hello! It's spring!

I say we go find that
one grassy patch in the park

and celebrate with this
classy European dessert booze

I made in my sink.

I'm afraid you're gonna have

to go drink in the
park by yourself again.

I'm applying for a job.

Well, if it's a job with the
fun police, you're hired.

I mean, what was the
point of even coming out

when there are zero people at
school to do anything out with?

Not just at school. Think about it.

If only 10% of the population is gay,

and only like half of those are out,

and only like 5% of those are your age,

there's like four people for
you to date in all of Illinois.

Oh, my god.

Some of them are probably farmers.

It's not funny!

It's a little... It's a little funny.

It's called biscotti and baskets.

They make these darling
baskets filled with, well, Biscotti.

And I thought it's time for a job.

You know, I'm not a wife anymore.

In four years, I'll be an empty nester.

Well, aside from Jimmy probably.

And I just feel like I want
to go out there and contribute.

[Mockingly] That's very responsible.

[Normal voice] Let's go to the park.

I just don't want to be one of those

single women who sits
home drinking all day.

Not the first time I've
been someone's cautionary tale.

I'm just worried no one will hire me.

I mean, aside from teaching
Sunday school

and making baskets for church auctions,

I haven't had a real job since
before the kids were born.

But your baskets are so good.

Remember the Christmas
basket that you made

with the peppermint bark and
the abstinence-education materials?

The "guard your basket"
basket was a classic.

Maybe I could just take the laptop

and show the guys some
pictures of things I've made.

But I have no idea what
to write on this application

for references.

I can help.

I've applied for tons of jobs

because I'm not the kind of woman

anybody wants to take care of.

Just don't tell
anyone, especially the kids.

I hate for them to know I've
ever failed at anything.

[Mockingly] "Except for my marriage."

[Giggles]

[Normal voice] I'm
kidding. I'm totally kidding.

I think that it's great that
you're getting back out there.

And I'll help you with what to write.

You know, you're a
strong, wonderful woman,

and anybody would be lucky to have you.

We just have to fix... All of this.

[Shannon clears throat]

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi. What you guys talking about?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I'm just gonna run out to my car

and get a grooming kit I keep
in my trunk in case of an outbreak

or an emergency child pageant.

[Chuckles]

♪ ♪

Well, farmers are cute, and they

- milk cows, you know...
- Jimmy!

Well, Mom's Internet dating.

- Shut up!
- What?

Yeah, I heard her talking
to Aunt Jodi about it.

Next we'll meet a series of
guys, which will be awkward,

but at least one of them
will teach us how to ski.

And Dad will meet a career woman

who thought she missed her
chance to have babies,

but marries Dad by summer so
she can squeeze a couple out

before she gets the change.

What did she just... What? What? N...

Wait, no, Dad still lives downstairs.

Will we all live
together when they're remarried?

Wha... Are we becoming mormons?

No, Mom cannot get a
boyfriend before I do.

Really? That's where you went with this?

Listen, it's creepy and upsetting

that our parents are moving on,

but I'm 16 and I'm still way
more interested in this.

You should go online, too.

- You think?
- Totally.

There are a million apps.

Gays basically
invented the online hookup.

Right after they invented
Bravo and Lady Gaga

and breaking out into song in
the middle of a normal play.

Gays are the greatest.

Give me your phone.

Okay, Grindr's old news.

I know the app.

Um... Kenny, name, age, I got that.

Size?

You mean like small, medium,
large, or, like, number sizes?

I don't know.

Um... I'm a medium top, small bottom.

Write that.

Next, what are you looking for?

There's categories of
guys to choose from.

What? Bear, wolf,
otter, giraffe, silver fox.

They're all animals.

- Are these types of gay people?
- I don't know.

- What type are you?
- I don't know.

- Well, what's your type?
- I don't know.

I need advisers, like a... Like
a gay presidential cabinet.

Gay bear: We'll help you, sugar.

So, let's walk you through this.

♪ ♪

I'm a bear.

Typically, we're barrel-chested,
covered in hair,

and most comfortable in flannel.

Got it. Uh, that makes sense.

And that's an otter.

They're like bears, but littler.

And we like to float on our backs.

You also got a silver fox,

a bull, a wolf, a dolphin.

And I'm a giraffe, which
just means I'm tall.

Not sure why people don't
just call me tall.

- Giraffe.
- Seriously.

- give it a rest.
- We love labels.

Guys, I'm lost.

Okay.

Well, I-I'm gonna help you
out the same way I would

if my little brother was
curious about girls.

I'm gonna take it to a higher power.

Internet porn.

N-no.

But... but we're not
18, and they always ask.

Kenny, you're adorable.

"Gay porn for dudes."

I'm out.

♪ ♪

Look at this. The
first flowers of spring.

Watch the slush, ladies.

Those sandals have to
last you all summer long.

And I'll take that.

And these.

The open container
law is still in effect

when the sun's out, people.

Hi, I'm sorry, but I'm a little lost.

Do you know which
way to rush and division?

Sure. Just two blocks up, three over.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

- You cover that beat, too?
- No, ma'am, that's vice

on account of the rampant prostitution.

Be safe.

What are you doing?

What?

The only directions that woman needed

was to the intersection of her and you.

[Chuckles] Me on, are
you this guy today?

It's warm out. I'm
this guy till labor day.

Really think she was flirting?

The world is trying
to welcome you back, man.

- [Sighs] Here.
- Just try chatting somebody up.

I'm just not ready, okay?

'Cause if I chat up a girl,
then I probably have to go on a date.

Yeah, you do!

And then if she's my
age, she's probably got kids.

Child-bearing age!

I just don't want my kids sharing
bedrooms with her kids

who have behavioral issues
from their parents' divorce,

'cause then when they
steal our TV for drug money,

it's all on me, you know?

Yeah. You're not ready.

♪ ♪

There are a lot of
categories. Where do you want to start?

Mm, I don't know.

[Gasps] Mm, but I do like

the shirt in the Brooks Brothers ad.

Oh, linen's back.

- Yeah, finally.
- [Chuckles]

Um, okay, let's start
with something mellow.

Oh, like this one.

"Office party."

I mean, it's at work.

People can't misbehave too much, right?

[Computer chimes]

- Whoa, Nelly!
- Oh, god!

That's not mellow. It's not mellow.

There are so many people at this party.

Far too many.

Come on, I just wanted to see nice
men doing normal gay stuff.

Yeah, me too.

To be supportive. I'm
trying to be supportive.

Why don't we search for something else?

- Not to be homophobic.
- No, you're not homophobic.

New search.

[Computer chiming]

It's not working.

It's frozen.

[Computer chiming rapidly]

Oh, god! What's happening now?

Wha... why are all
these windows popping up?

Dude, it's a pornado.

Shut it down. Click it off now! Kenny!

- It's not stopping.
- It's getting worse.

So many close-ups, and
that one's straight porn.

- Be consistent!
- Where does it end?

God. I just wanted
to find someone to like.

I can't handle this!

Don't leave me with all
the butts in my face!

Not to be homophobic!

You know I'm not one
to hand out compliments,

but I look amazing.

You look so great.

He's gonna love you.

We'll see.

I'll drive you for moral support.

You've been drinking since noon.

You'll drive me for moral support.

Oh, wait. My computer with my pictures.

I'll be right back.

[Dramatic music plays]

Oh.

You like my baskets?

You're welcome, Mr. President.

Okay, let's just reboot the
computer, clear the history,

and then I'll go sit
quietly in my bedroom

and live a lonely
life of sexless reflection.

Where's the computer?

Maybe the pornado blew it off the bed.

Shannon, did you take the laptop?!

Shannon: No, I think mom did.

What's wrong?

The computer got a porn
virus. If mom opens it...

What is on the computer
will literally melt her face off.

Like at the end of "Indiana Jones."

Right, but, you know, with
fewer Nazis and way more bronzer.

[Laughs]

I'm sorry. This is really funny for me.

Horrible for you and
Mom, though. Totally see that.

We got to get it
back before she opens it.

Okay, where did she go?

Ooh, she's on an Internet date.

- Wh... already?
- What?

Great, I'm gonna die
alone and Mom is killing it.

She's already dating? That's... no.

This... this is too soon.

What would she even wear on a date?

She's got regular
khakis and capri khakis.

- Like, that's it.
- Really?

Why would Mom take a computer on a date?

Well, she's pretty dumb about computers.

She might think an Internet date

means you actually have
to be on the Internet.

We have to get it back

before Mom opens it in
front of some strange guy

who thinks that Mom is
into four guys trying to...

- Hello?
- [Chuckling nervously] Hi.

What is up, girlfriend? How are you?

How are you?

Uh, just running a
couple errands. What's up?

Uh, you know, I really need
the computer for some school stuff.

I think you have it.

I do, but I'll be home in an hour.

Maybe I could just,
like, come by, pick it up?

Where are you precisely?

Um, I'm pretty far.

Trying out a new dry-cleaner
a few towns over.

She's having a life of her own for once.

Stop hounding her.

[Cellphone beeps]

[Groans]

Now what?

We have to get the computer back.

Wait, who has the "Find my Mac" code?

- Dad.
- Dad.

W... but Mom is on a
date. That'll kill him.

Okay.

Well, we'll try to keep it a secret,

but if we have to choose
between Dad seeing Mom on a date

or Mom seeing the literal
bowels of the Internet...

- Go, go!
- Great.

Can you drive any faster, Dad, please?

I know I should be wagging
my finger at you guys,

but this reminds me of
a time in high school

when I rented a little adult film

about some young
ladies at a summer camp.

It got stuck in the VCR.

Gross. What's a VCR?

Dad, it's not that kind of movie.

I know, I get it. It's Kenny's
kind. But it's fine.

Still normal stuff for
boys to be looking at.

No, Dad, this was not normal.

It was advanced,
Dad. Like... like A.P. Porn.

What do you mean "advanced"?

Well, you know that video where
they cut open the shark

and a whole tire slides out?

It's kind of like that.
Just, like, stuff you cannot unsee.

Is that what you're into?

No. No. That's the whole point, Dad.

I was watching this stuff
'cause I have no idea what I'm into,

then I was gonna start online dating,

but then they started
asking what kind of animals I like.

Oh, God!

No, no, no, Dad. Not real animals.

It's types of gay guys.

There's all sorts of
terms that you have to learn.

- It's weird.
- Being gay has homework.

What kind of animal am I?

- You're a bear.
- And I'm a wolf.

- What's Kenny?
- He's a twink.

- I am?
- Mm-hmm.

That is the gayest-sounding one.

Not to be homoph... You g... you get it.

None of this matters
anyway. I'm gonna die alone.

It's just... Just too complicated.

Hey, it's not complicated, okay?

Just think about your ideal person.

What's he like?

Right now, I just want someone
cute to smile at me.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

Aww. That's adorable.

And I bet that's what Mom's about to see

on the computer right about now.

Someone cute and
smiling because he just...

- Dad, how close are we?
- Just around the corner.

Look, don't worry. I'll go in.

If she's seen anything,

I'll just tell her she's
got to accept that there are

some new things in all of our lives now

and we have to be open to change.

Um... Dad, I'm really
glad you feel that way,

because, uh, if you're
gonna be going in,

you should probably know something.

Mom is currently on a date.

[Tires screech]

She what?!

Dad, take a deep breath.

Think about the... The
girls at summer camp.

How is your mom dating
already? I still have marriage eyes.

How come she doesn't have marriage eyes?

Her eyes are colder and deader than mine.

Um, Dad, do you think doesn't
have could emotionally unravel

and drive at the same time?

We know this is hard,

and yes, Mom's dating
and will get remarried,

and our new dad will
be great on the grill

and he'll use your
barbecue, and that'll hurt,

but we'll still visit
you and the triplets

in your condo on the lake,
and that'll be nice, right?

I bet he'll teach you how to ski, too.

Look, Dad, I realize you're upset,

but there is a
ticking porn bomb out there.

So if we could maybe, you
know, just get going.

Dad, listen, I'm as freaked
out about this as you are, okay?

But... but you're not
gonna have to worry

about how things are
gonna go for you out there.

You are a beautiful bear.

A-and you're gonna be just fine.

Kenny, you're attracted to guys.

Tell Dad what you
find attractive about him.

No, don't think that's a good idea.

Dad, I... Mom was just starting

to kind of thaw on the
idea of me being gay.

If she sees what's on that computer,

she will never speak to me again.

Okay.

You know what? I'm just
gonna go ahead and say it.

Dad has a strong jawline and
eyes you can get lost in.

Sure. Pornward!

[Tires squeal]

[Dramatic music plays]

So, the hit biscotti and baskets took

with the edible
arrangements boom was tough,

but the bloom is
definitely off of that rose,

and we're ready to expand our workforce.

I never liked edible arrangements.

The only way to make a
pineapple into a flower

is if you save the hard middle part.

Why would I send a bereaved loved one

cut fruit you need to keep cutting?

[Chuckles] "Sorry
about your dead parent.

Here's the worst part of fruit."

"Congratulations on the new baby.

Here's more work for you."

[Both laugh]

[Both sigh]

I like you, Eileen O'Neal.

I like you, Michael-Gregory.

So, I have some great
ideas for your shop.

I think, actually, even more important
than "work experience"

is that I've been making gift baskets

for school and
church auctions for years.

I have some photos if you'd like...

Oh, don't worry about that.

You wouldn't be actually
making the Baskets.

That's... my job.

Oh. Well, um, I also love to bake,

so if biscotti making is my game...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We have a master biscotti maker.

Went to school in Florida.

Whoa. Hard to beat that.

[Chuckles]

So, uh, if I wouldn't be doing Biscotti

and I wouldn't be doing Baskets,

what would I be doing at
biscotti and baskets?

You'd be more of a do-
whatever-I-need sort of gal.

You good at following orders?

Yeah.

Sure.

Sometimes.

Once.

Um, I would love to show you some
examples of what I could do

if you'd be willing to expand
the job description

just a skitch.

Oh, God, she's opening it!

That's who she's on a date with?

That guy does not ski.

Mom's into koala bears. Huh.

All right, I will take a
look at what you have here.

Hi, I'm so sorry.

Just want to do
homework so bad right now.

Kenny? What are you doing?

You're wearing your Christmas
lipstick for him?

Wha...

[Voice breaking] I'll be in the car.

Sorry we're interrupting your date.

Date? What?

How you doing?

My name's Pat, and as you
can see, I carry a gun.

It's not a threat, just a fact.

Please write down your
income and pass it back to me.

What is going on? I am not on a date.

This is a job interview.

What? Really?

- Yeah.
- [Sighs]

We'll talk when you get
this number up a little bit.

I am so sorry, Michael-Gregory.

I know this is very unprofessional.

Oh, I don't care.

You seem mean and I
like that. [Chuckles]

Besides, it's not Biscotti
and brain surgery.

You got the job.

- I do?
- Mm-hmm.

You got a job?

[Scoffs]

You got a job! [Chuckling] Hey.

- Hey.
- Wow, thank you.

It feels so good to know you want me.

But I-I'm gonna have to pass.

What?

Well, I... Think I have more to offer

than you're looking for,

and now that I know I can get a job,

I-I'd rather wait for something
more worthy of my time.

I get that.

But sometimes you aim for Broadway

and land at biscotti and Baskets.

Good luck.

Mm.

[Bell over door rings]

I cannot believe you
thought I was ready to date.

You're not?

- No!
- Okay.

I mean, what if he has a dog?

Or a cat? Or hobbies?

I'm so glad to hear you say that,

'cause I'm definitely
not ready to date, either.

- Good.
- [Chuckles]

Maybe we should lay
down some ground rules

for when we are ready.

Mm. Mm-hmm. No firemen.

They're just so smug.

I mean, you know who
else could do your job, pal?

Water.

- All right, well, no Janie Robertson.
- What?

She's divorced now and she
likes to play volleyball in a bikini.

Ooh, really?

Yes.

Okay, no Janie Robertson, no firemen.

- Deal.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, would you look at that.

It's not spring yet after all.

Ah, Chicago, you got us again.

♪ ♪

Spring doesn't always come all at once,

and after a long winter,

it's easy to get ahead of yourself.

The O'Neals all put on
shorts a little too early this year.

Kenny?

Yeah, that's... That's me.

This one's on the house, Kenny.

But then, out of nowhere,

just the right
amount of sun broke through.

Really? Um, thank you.

Uh, Jake.

I'm [Chuckles] Jake.

Ooh! Coffee.

Thank god. I am hung.

Kenny, I realize with your
hairy legs and your hairless torso,

you could be a
faun... Half boy, half goat.

Oh.

And winter returns.

He is cute.

You are cute.

Are you sure everyone's asleep?

Yes. Don't worry about it.

- You got Mom's credit card?
- Wichow!

This is so exciting.

Okay, let's find something you like.

What size?

That looks way too big.

Yes, it does.

What color do you want? Black or white?

I like purple.

[Chuckles]

You would.

Now, that was homophobic.

Thank you.

That one.

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