Original subtitles

This was the worst damn weekend

I ever spent in my whole hard-working life.

Let's just not discuss it anymore.

I should have known better

than to take somebody like you

camping anyway.

Yeah, you should have.

That's right, you should've,

because I think the great outdoors

should be locked up inside.

Yeah, Pop, but you was the one

that agreed to go.

Yeah, but I thought it'd be like one of them Disney movies

with them cute little animals,

not a bunch of flies and gnats,

and bats and bugs and slugs and snakes,

and that big ugly thing that kept saying,

"Breathe deep, Pop. You smell that air?"

Hey, Lamont! Open the door!

Hey, it's Julio.

Two days in the woods with insects,

and here come the Spanish flea.

Hey!

Hey, man, what's happening, baby?

What's up?

I've got to tell you, man.

I've been waiting two days

for you guys to get home.

I've got some exciting news to tell you, man.

You're going to Puerto Rico forever.

No, man, I'm not going to Puerto Rico,

but I might be moving.

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that, Julio.

No, man, don't be sorry. You're going too.

In fact, everybody on the whole block is leaving!

Don't tell me that sewer main backed up again.

No, no, man. It's nothing like that.

It's good news. Let me 'splain.

'Splain?

Listen, Lamont, he's going to 'splain.

Go ahead and 'splain, Julio.

You see, the last couple of days, man,

some Japanese people have been coming around,

talking to every property owner on the block.

Japanese? Here?

Right, man.

They want to build a brewery on our block!

A brewery?

Right, man,

and they want to buy up all our houses.

Hey, and everything I've ever heard

about the Japanese people

says that they're loaded with money.

Well, I'm not interested.

Hey, what do you mean you're not interested?

I'm not interested.

Look, we sell our houses, and where are we going to live?

In Tokyo?

Hey, look, Pop, Japanese people have a lot of money, man,

and if we could get, say, $15,000 from them,

we could move anywhere.

You like to move so much, well, watch me move.

I'm moving upstairs to bed.

Good night, good night.

Okay, good night, Mr. Sanford.

Have a good night's sleep, but just remember,

the Japanese are going to be here first thing in the morning.

I know that.

How?

They always attack at dawn.

♪ I know I'd go From Rags to Riches... ♪

Hey, Pop, did the Japanese get here yet?

Look around.

Do you see any seaweed in the living room?

Hey, what you doing?

See, when the Japanese come,

I'm gonna invite them for tea and fortune cookies,

and I'm putting in my own fortune.

Oh. Oh, that's genius, Pop. It is.

Now, listen to this one here.

"You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger.

Give him what he wants."

Hey, wait a minute...

It's not going to work, Pop.

It'll work.

Here's the one I know'll work.

Look... "The tea you just drank is poison,

"so for $50,000,

you can have this house and an antidote."

Please, Mr. Sanford, don't do anything like that.

You're going to ruin it for all of us, man.

How can I ruin it for all of us?

Because the Japanese put a stipulation on the contract

that says that every property owner has to sell,

or the deal is off.

That's right, man.

If we don't sell, nobody gets any money.

I don't like it.

What's not to like, man?

They're paying a whole lot of money,

and I'll tell you, for the 12,000 I'm going to get,

I'm going to do a lot of traveling.

Wait a minute.

12,000?

Right, but we're not supposed to talk about it, but...

You hear that, Lamont?

If he can get $12,000

for that death trap he lives in over there,

they'll think this is the Taj Mahal.

Man, that's not a nice thing to say about my house, man.

He doesn't mean nothing by it, bro.

Yeah, I know, man.

Listen, why don't you go on and leave

before the Japanese might make a mistake

and catch you here?

Okay, Mr. Sanford. I'll tell you one thing now,

as soon as you sign, we all going to get our money,

so, you know, we're in the same boat.

This is the captain speaking.

Get your poop off my deck.

I'll see you later, man.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, you know, I think you're right, Pop.

If they give Julio $12,000 for his place, man,

we could get about 14 or 15 for ours.

Hey, it's almost 12:00 and they're not here yet.

Julio said they was gonna be here this morning, man.

Listen, son, don't worry, they'll be here.

It's just an old trick that the Japanese play, see?

They say one thing and do another.

See, there, what did I tell you?

I can tell you exactly what that guy's gonna look like.

You can, huh?

Yeah, he'll be short, with big thick glasses on,

and be smiling, with a big old funny-looking moustache.

You just watch and see.

He'll have on a pretty dress

and some high-heel shoes.

Mr. Sanford?

Yeah, both of us.

Hi, I'm Lamont Sanford.

How do you do? I'm Helen Funai,

and I represent the Funai Real Estate Company.

Oh, well, I'm Fred Sanford,

and I'm president

of, uh, Sanford's Junky Junkyard Inc.

Won't you please come in?

Thank you.

Yes, come right in. Sit down over here.

Relax.

Uh, do you care for a snack or anything like that?

I think I've got some rice in the cupboard.

Pop!

No, thank you.

If you don't mind,

I'd like to get right down to business.

I'm sure you're aware by now

that my company has been buying up property

on this block.

Oh, really?

Yes, and since you are the last party

to come to terms,

you can understand our desire

to quickly conclude negotiations.

Uh, yes, we understand.

Yes, uh, listen, you mean,

everybody else has signed up but us?

We're the last ones left?

That is correct.

Naturally, we have carefully appraised

your property, however, we also realize

that there is a certain amount of sentimental value involved.

Sentimental value...

Yes, so I think you'll agree

that we have been quite fair in our offer.

$20,000!

We feel that's reasonable, don't you?

Uh, yes, that's very reasonable.

Perhaps we should sign, father.

I think I have a pen in the drawer.

Yes, I seem to have found one.

Here you go, Dough... Uh, D-Deed...

Uh, Dad.

Uh, see, the Dad's in my deed's name.

The deed's in my dad's name.

Just sign it there.

Is something wrong, Mr. Sanford?

No, just... selling this place

just breaks my heart, and, you know,

the sentimental value and all.

Sentimental value!

Since when did you ever have any...

Ah!

I know how you feel, son.

Can you... can you see... Let me explain to you.

See, $20,000 is all right, but it just don't seem enough

to part with... with all of this.

All right, Mr. Sanford.

I'll come back

a little later this afternoon.

Sayonara.

Yeah, and Frank Sinatra to you.

Are you crazy!

You just said goodbye to $20,000!

Yeah, but I'm fixing to say hello

to a whole lot more!

More?

Yeah.

You see, didn't you hear her say

that we were the last ones to sign up?

Now, if they want all this land,

they've got to wait till we sell.

Hey, Pop, look, I'm warning you, man.

Japanese people are very shrewd businessmen.

Me too, but son, listen.

We got them by the teriyaki.

Pop, what about our neighbors, man?

All our neighbors are depending on us

to close the deal.

Let them get their own teriyaki.

Pop, this is the opportunity

of a lifetime, man,

and you're throwing it out the window

because you're being greedy.

Son, haven't you learned anything at all

being my son?

Who do you think I'm doing this for?

Yourself.

Yeah, you've learned something.

Hey, man, it's almost 5:00,

and she hasn't come back yet.

Well, she'll be here. I ain't worried.

You're not worried, huh?

That's right.

I've been looking in the real estate section.

Come over here a minute.

Look at this, "Two-bedroom apartment.

"Decorator furnished.

Swimming pool, tennis courts."

Pop, those apartments are for singles only.

Well, who do you think we are? Ozzie and Harriet?

See that? What'd I tell you?

Not only 30, we can get 35,000.

Uh, hello, Miss Funai. Please come in.

Hello. Thank you. I'll be brief.

Oh, Mr. Sanford,

my associates and I have decided that in consideration

of your deep feelings toward your home,

we will increase our offer to 22,5.

22,5... What's the nickel for?

That's $22,500, Pop.

Oh, that's all right,

but I'm not interested.

Could you come back tomorrow afternoon?

Are you crazy?

Well, I don't know, Mr. Sanford.

We are working on a timetable, now.

Excuse me.

May I make a business call?

Oh, yeah, just take the phone

into the kitchen.

Thank you.

I hope she's ain't calling Japan.

If she is, I'll just tack it on to the price of the house.

Hey, Pop. Wait a minute, man.

Do you realize what she's offering us, man?

22,5! Do you know what we can get with that?

Yeah, 25, and if we get 25, we can get 30.

Why not 35?

Listen, son, now, let's be realistic.

Like, you know this yourself

that this house is not worth 35,000...

Unless we throw in the carpets and the draperies.

Gentlemen, I am not authorized

to make you any further offers.

However, my father, the president of our company,

would consider it an honor

if you both would have dinner with us this evening.

Uh, would he consider it an honor picking up the check?

My father's only kidding.

We'd love to sup with you this evening.

What time should we be there?

How about eight?

Eight is perfect.

And here is the address to our house.

Okay, thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

Okay, bye-bye.

Wait a minute, what did you do that for?

I ain't going to no strange people's house

and sit around with a bunch of foreigners.

Ain't nothing you can say to make me change my mind.

A team of wild horses

couldn't get me to change my mind.

Okay, you'll blow the 22,5.

Uh... Will you saddle up the truck?

Mr. Sanford, Lamont, please come in.

And trouble finding us?

Oh, no, we're familiar with Beverly Hills.

And the hills are alive.

Gentlemen, this is my cousin, Saburyo.

He and my great-grandfather

are visiting us from the mother country.

They must be from Harlem.

Let's get out of here.

No, wait a minute, Pop.

Look, just relax.

Relax? How can I relax?

The last time I saw something this big,

Tarzan was having trouble trying to kill it.

What did he say?

Saburyo said, "It is a great honor

to have such distinguished guests

in our home.

Hey, did you hear that, Pop?

We're distinguished guests.

What was that?

Saburyo suggests

that, in keeping with our customs,

will you please remove your jackets and shoes.

Son, I think this Saburyo might be...

Gentlemen, please, come this way.

Wow. Boy, this is a really nice house

you have here, Miss Funai.

So much history and everything.

Hey, this is a Samurai sword, isn't it?

I'll bet there's a lot of history behind that.

My great, great uncle used that sword

to kill himself, commit hari-kari,

over a hundred years ago.

Amazing.

What's so amazing about killing yourself?

My uncle Alphonso in St. Louis killed his self,

but you don't see me hanging wine bottles

all around the wall.

Please... Ah, gentlemen, gentlemen,

an honor to meet you.

I am Funai Yukio,

and this is my noble grandfather.

Hello, Noble.

He is the founder of our company.

What's he looking for now?

Get up now, Pop.

Shall we sit down?

Yeah, let's sit down. Where are the chairs at?

Let me help you, Mr. Sanford.

This is sushi,

rice balls wrapped in seaweed, and this...

is abalone dipped in soy sauce,

and this is sashimi, raw fish.

Ain't you got no grits and gravy?

Hey, Pop, why don't you try some of this sashimi?

No, you go ahead and try that.

I'll just eat a few of these grapes.

Mm! That's all right.

A little slippery, but all right.

Oh, good, Mr. Sanford, very good.

You like the fish eyes.

Mr. Sanford, I hope we did not offend you

by serving our traditional food.

Oh, no. No offense.

Would you care for some sake?

Hey, Pop, you're going to like this, man.

This is sake. See, that's rice wine,

Yeah, now you're getting down my alley

with that wine.

Here you are.

Socky... That's socky, all right.

Sweat socky.

Gentlemen, I would like to propose a toast.

To a successful

and mutually beneficial business agreement.

Lamont, they trying to poison us.

You'll get used to it, Mr. Sanford,

and now to business.

I have discussed your situation

with my honorable grandfather,

and he was quite impressed

with your sentimental attachment to your home.

He is?

Yes, and we have decided,

in just compensation for your emotional loss,

absolute top price of $27,000.

27,000...

Yeah, that's top price, but...

30,000 would be tip top.

I'll tip top you.

You're going to sign that paper this time, Pop,

and that's all there is to it.

I'll sign it.

Do you have a pen?

I can't sign this, son.

All the nerves in my hand is gone.

My whole hand is numb... It hurts.

It goes all the way around into my back.

It must have happened when I bowed.

Oh, you have a bad back, Mr. Sanford?

Oh, yeah,

and it goes all the way down to my hand,

and I can't move it.

Just a moment. I have just the solution.

An ancient technique, frequently used in Japan.

We'll have you signing the paper in no time.

Wait a minute!

It's... Torture!

Hold back. I know Kung Fu!

I've never... I've never missed a show.

You really blew it this time, Pop.

You really blew it this time.

Why'd you have to run out like that for?

What did you expect me to do

when that big guy comes toward me

with them two needles?

I couldn't think of but two things:

run and fast.

Well, you can just rest assured that

that's the last time

we're going to see those people.

Oh, you'll see them again.

See, they need this property,

and I'll betcha we can still get $30,000 for this place.

Don't you understand, Pop?

We're not getting nothing, man.

Running out on those people like that

was a supreme insult.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Just to show you I ain't got no hard feelings,

I'll call them up and tell them I'll take their last offer.

Well, maybe calling would help.

Yeah, see, calling

is the next best thing to being there.

See that? What'd I tell you?

35,000, not 30,000.

Miss Funai, how are you?

Uh, I would like to apologize

for my father's behavior...

Oh, that's all right. We understand.

Yes, won't you please come in

our humble home and partake of some sofa.

Thank you.

Great-grandfather has much he wants to say to you.

Exactly how much?

What'd he say?

He said, "Never in his lifetime

has he met a man as great as you."

Tell him I agree with every word.

Oh, man.

What was that?

He wants you to know

that he thinks you are a dedicated, home-loving man,

and he respects your great love for your home.

He wouldn't dare ask you to leave it.

No. No, ask me.

Ask me.

I mean, tell him, ask me,

because that's the $30,000 question.

Gentlemen, he has made his decision.

Rather than uproot you from your ancestral lodgings,

he has decided to build the brewery

somewhere else.

Uproot me, man! Uproot!

Look, all my people are buried in St. Louis!

Get to the uproot!

Oh, wait a minute!

Mr. Sanford,

as a gesture of respect and friendship,

my great-grandfather offers you

this seashell.

Seashell?

Present.

Oh, I know, there's $30,000 in here somewhere, isn't there?

This is a fortune seashell cookie.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Uproot me. I'll take less money.

I'll take 20,000!

15, and I'll throw in Lamont. He'll be your gardener.

Give me something!

What am I gonna do with this?

It's a seashell, Pop.

Hold it up to your right ear...

and push it through to your left.

Hey, Pop, what are you doing

with a handkerchief up to the phone?

I didn't want to get any germs on my face.

Well, have any of the neighbors called

to complain about you blowing the deal?

No, not one. Oh, that's surprising.

I would've thought that they would have been over here

jumping down your throat by now.

Yeah, I'd have thought that too.

Yeah, well, I'm going upstairs and wash up,

and then I'm going to split over to Madeline's.

Oh, that's good, son.

Hello.

Uh, is this honorable Julio?

Julio...

Yes, this is honorable representative

of the real estate... Miss Funee.

Funee? Yeah.

Yeah, calling honorable to tell you we, uh,

not going to buy any property in your block

for the brewery,

and it's not Fled's flault.

No, it's not Fled's flault!

Fled.

Fled!

Fred, you big dumb Puerto Rican!