Original subtitles

Hey, what are you so nervous about, Pop?

Well, Grady's supposed to be here and he's late.

Well, Grady comes over here

almost every night.

So what if he's a little late for a change?

Yeah, but he's a lot late tonight.

I told him to be here at 7:00, he said, "No, 8:00."

Here it is going on 9:00, almost 10:00.

He's three hours late.

Well, don't worry about it, Pop.

Yeah, but maybe he had an accident.

Maybe he got chased by a mugger.

Come on, Pop.

Yeah, see, if he got chased by a mugger,

he'd be in trouble, see,

because he's got them bunions

on his big toes...

and his foot don't bend too good.

See, so, if that happened to him,

that mugger would hurt him.

The only thing he could do against a mugger

is side-step like a crab.

You know, I wouldn't worry about it

if I were you.

No, you wouldn't worry

'cause you go out every night

'cause you don't care about me.

I do care about you, Pop.

Now you don't care about Grady.

And what kind of a son of a friend of a friend are you?

Look.

Everything is gonna be all right.

Now, look, I bet you that's Grady now.

See? You were worried about nothing.

Grady.

Fred, Fred, Fred... Hey, Grady, what you...

What are you so late for? Where you been?

What you got in there?

I got the... I got the best wine that money can buy.

This is top shelf... Silver Satin.

Come on in, Grady.

You sure acting strange.

Wait a minute. Come here.

Wait a minute.

Let me see what you been drinking.

Let me smell your breath.

Fred... I haven't touched a drop.

I want my best friend Fred to be in on this celebration.

What celebration?

Yeah.

What you celebrating, Grady?

The greatest thing in my life.

You hit the number?

No.

Your bunions went away?

No, this is something so special and so great.

I can't believe it.

Fred, you just don't know how terrific this is.

No, I don't know,

because you ain't told me yet.

Yeah, come on, tell us, Grady,

because I got a date.

Oh, I'm gonna tell you.

I mean, I just can't wait to tell you.

Well, you doing a pretty good job so far.

Fred, my very best friend,

I want you to be the first to know.

Well, go ahead, go ahead. Tell me.

I give you three guesses.

I'll give you five of these.

Oh, come on. Guess.

Okay, okay. You are... Getting married.

What did you say?

I said I'm getting married.

Hey!

Congratulations, Grady.

I think that's terrific.

Yeah, thanks.

Come on, Fred. Congratulate me.

I'm getting married.

That's impossible.

Why is it impossible?

Because it takes two people to get married.

Now, who's gonna marry Grady?

None other

than the sweetest, prettiest little thing

in the whole wide world.

I'm getting married.

You just wait until you see her,

and then you'll see that I'm telling you the truth.

She is a perfect jewel.

If she's marrying you, she's a perfect fool.

Say, when are we gonna meet her, Grady?

Tonight, as soon as she gets off from work,

she's gonna take the bus on over

and I'm go walk down to the bus stop and pick her up.

Well, Grady, how did all this happen?

Fred, it was... It was just like in a storybook.

It was so romantic.

Well, where did you meet this girl, Grady?

At J.C. Penney's.

It was... It was in the tie department.

You see, I was looking for this new tie,

and I couldn't decide on what color to get...

you know, between the stripes and solids,

and suddenly, I heard this sweet little voice saying,

"Have you ever tried paisley"?

That's what she said.

Have I ever tried paisley!

Grady, we don't want to hear

all that old "he said, she said" stuff.

No, no, no, Fred.

I was just coming to the exciting part.

Well... well, get to it.

Well, after she held this tie up next to my beard,

she said, "I think this goes nice with your beard."

And it did,

because the tie was a sort of a maroon

and my beard is a charcoal gray.

And you know

that charcoal gray and maroon go real nice together.

Is that the exciting part, Grady?

Oh, no, no.

See, when she handed me the box with the new tie in it,

her hand touched mine, and I got the shivers.

Did she have warts?

No.

It was... it was just a feeling I got.

So, I hung around until she got off of work

and then we went out

and had us a couple of Fatburgers

and that's when I knew she was mine.

She paid for them?

No, she didn't pay for them.

Well, how could two Fatburgers tell you she was yours?

Well, when we ordered, she said,

"hold the onions on mine."

And that told me right then that she was ready for business.

So, I immediately yelled out, "hold my onions too!"

I knew we weren't gonna waste any time

with any handshakes when I took her home.

So, proposed right there as we were splitting the bill,

and she said "yes!"

Now, what do you think about that?

♪ It was a lucky April shower ♪

Grady, Grady, Grady. Please. Please, Grady.

Don't dance on my imitation Persian original rug.

Hey, Pop.

Leave Grady alone, man.

He's happy.

I sure am.

I feel a warm sensation in my heart.

That ain't no sensation. That's gas.

See, you don't need no wife.

What you need is a good physic.

Would you stop putting Grady down

just because he's in love?

So he's in love

that don't mean he gotta get married.

Get engaged.

What's the point in getting engaged, Fred?

I want to get right to the goodies.

Yeah, but getting engaged is...

Is like, uh, having somebody else's credit card.

You can get everything you want and don't have to pay for it.

Oh, I don't know, Fred.

You see, if I wait,

she might find somebody else.

Grady, if she's marrying you,

you can rest assured there is nobody else.

No, now, you just wait until you see her,

and see how adorable and charming she is.

Lamont, put my wine on ice for me.

I'm gonna go get my honey-bunny sugar-plum.

Now, I'll be right back. Just wait here.

♪ I found A million-dollar baby... ♪

Now, there they are now.

Now, don't go spoiling it for Grady, all right?

I ain't gonna spoil nothing.

You don't have to try to raise me.

You're my kid.

I understand that,

but just relax is what I'm trying to tell you.

I know how to act. All right.

Grady.

Well, here I am with the girl of my dreams.

Now get ready to meet my little dove.

Okay, now, close your eyes.

And here she is!

This is... This is Dolly Simpson, my Dolly.

Dolly, honey,

this is my best friend, Fred...

And that's his loving son Lamont.

So very glad to meet you.

I see you do laundry?

It's awfully nice meeting you, Miss Dolly.

Grady's told us so much about you,

and... and Pop and I wish you the best

in your new marriage. Don't we, Pop?

Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Fred's gonna be the best man

at the wedding, hon.

Yeah, well, I'd like to stay and chat with you,

but I got to be running off.

Miss Dolly, it was nice meeting you,

and again, best wishes. Oh, thank you, son.

Grady, why don't you and Dolly sit over there on the couch,

and I'll be right back soon as I say goodbye to Lamont.

Whoo...

Did you hear him say "My little dove"?

He don't know a dove from a buzzard.

Did you ever see anything

as ugly as that in your life?

Yeah, but I think it was on Halloween.

Yeah...

It was probably carved in a pumpkin. Wow!

Stop it, Grady.

You old silly.

That's me, just an old silly.

How you two getting along?

Oh, just fine, Fred. Just fine.

I was really looking forward

to meeting you, Fred.

Yeah, I told her all about you.

You'd be surprised at the wonderful things

Grady has told me about you.

Yeah, and Grady's told me

lot of things about you too, uh...

Molly... Dolly... uh, Jolly...

and I still don't believe it.

Grady's told me about you having him over

to watch TV with you every night.

Just about every night.

Well, now that we're getting married,

he won't be doing that anymore.

He won't?

No, because all of his nights

are gonna be spent with his lady.

Ooh, all my nights with my lady.

You see, he wouldn't need TV

long as he has his Dolly to look at.

Not when I got my Dolly to look at!

I do appreciate your taking

such good care of my man, Fred,

but not I'm just gonna have to steal him away.

Yeah, steal me away, honey.

She gonna steal me away, Fred.

That's called petty larceny.

But look at it this way, Fred.

When we get married,

you won't be losing a friend,

you'll be gaining a Dolly.

Oh, Grady, you say the cleverest things.

Yeah... I do.

This calls for a drink.

Yeah, this calls for a drink.

Hey, goodnight, Pop.

Hey, man, if you're gonna watch television,

why don't you try turning on the set?

Because I forgot.

You want me to turn it on for you?

I don't care.

Hey, what's the matter with you, Pop?

Come on. Snap out of it, man.

It just don't seem right,

watching television without Grady,

and tonight we were gonna watch his favorite show...

The Giant Porcupine Visits the Sick People.

Well, you know, you gonna have to get used

to Grady not being here all the time,

cause he's got a woman now, Pop, and that's...

that's more fun than watching television.

I'd rather watch Wild Kingdom.

She should have her own show.

"Wild, Wild World of Dogs."

Yeah, well, you're just gonna have to adjust to the fact

that Grady is not gonna be here every night.

Yeah, and I ain't got nobody to visit with me

because you go out all the time.

Hey, face it, Pop.

The two of them are getting married, man,

and you are gonna be the best man,

and by the way,

do you know what that means?

What?

You get to be the first one to kiss the bride.

I'd rather kiss Mighty Joe Young's armpits.

Now, you know, Pop,

if she looked halfway good,

you'd be trying to steal her for yourself.

Who, me? Yes, you.

I wouldn't mess

with my best friend's girlfriend.

I'm not that type of guy.

You got to be awful low-down to do something like that.

Yes, you do. Well, I'll see you, Pop.

I'm going over to Julio's.

Going to Julio's?

Well, don't drink the water.

I'm ashamed of you,

thinking I would do something like that

to my best friend.

Fool around with his girlfriend.

I think that's the lowest possible human being

in the world.

A man got to be low-down and dirty

and a snake in the grass to fool around with...

fool around with...

♪ Mm, la, la, la, la ♪

Operator?

Get me the number at J.C. Penney.

No, no, no.

The one... the one in the ghetto.

No, no. Way past Manchester.

Thanks a lot.

Hello, Dolly.

Hi.

Hello, Dolly.

♪ It's so nice To have you back ♪

♪ Where you belong ♪

Am I early? Where's Grady?

Oh, he's gonna be a little late.

Come over and have a seat on the couch

and make yourself at home.

Ah, how nice.

You can have... why don't you try

some of these Horse Divers?

Some of these what?

Ah, Horse Divers.

You see, that's French for appetizers.

Try one of them there with the baloney on it,

and dip it in the mustard and shove it in your chops.

I mean, put it in your mouth. Excuse me.

It's very nice of you

to have us over for dinner, Fred.

Well, that is what friends are for.

You know what I mean.

The least we can do is fix you a nice dinner

because you won't be doing that stuff no more.

Stuff like what?

You know, like, when you get married,

when you get off of work late

and you have to rush right home and fix Grady's dinner,

and iron his shirts, and wash his drawers.

Mr. Sanford, Grady is marrying me.

What he does from now on

really is just none of your business.

Well, that's true.

I just want to wish you

the best of success and happiness,

and everything.

Let's have a drink and toast it.

That would be nice.

Yeah, that would be wonderful.

I got some good sparkling Burgundy here.

You do?

Yeah. Cold Duck, 59.

'59, was that a good year?

No, that's a good price.

Uh, Dolly let me toast a little toast to you

for your matrimony.

Watch it, you clumsy fool, look what you've done!

Oh, forgive me.

What... Look at...

What is this? Look. Look at me.

I apologize!

Well, just look at me.

I looked at you. Can't I just apologize?

Well, what am I gonna do now?

Well... well... Look, Dolly, listen. Here's what you do.

You go upstairs and take your dress off,

and see if you can wash it out

with some cold water.

You throw it down, and I'll do it.

Go on upstairs and... and wash it out.

Wait a minute. Here, take this with you,

to take the chill off.

Oh, you clumsy... Dolly, just take it off,

and... and... and there is a robe in the bathroom, on the nail,

and put that robe on.

It's Lamont's robe.

Throw the dress down.

I'm coming. Wait a minute.

Hey, I'm coming!

Come on, Fred!

I'll just...

Wait a minute. Here I come now!

Almost ready.

What are you doing here, Grady?

What... what do you mean, what am I doing here?

I came for supper, like you said.

Well, I didn't know

you was gonna get here this early.

Early? This ain't early.

What's wrong with you, Fred?

Why you acting so weird?

And what you doing with that robe on?

Which question you want me to answer first?

Why I'm acting weird, or why I have the robe on?

Where is Dolly?

Dolly?

Yeah. Yeah, Dolly. My Dolly.

Is she here?

Uh... your Dolly?

She ain't here.

Well, they told me on her job

that she left for here right after work.

Well, listen, maybe she got stuck on the bus.

I mean, why don't you go down at the bus stop

and wait for her, and both of you come back.

Now, Fred, you know I don't want to walk down to no bus stop.

You know how my bunions hurt when I walk too much.

Anyway, something strange going on here,

now, what's going on?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Ain't nothing going on in this... I swear to...

What's the matter, Grady?

What's going on, Fred?

What do you mean?

What do you mean, what's going on?

I mean, what's going on, and... and... and off.

You see, I can explain it, Grady.

You see, here's what happened.

I was fixing a couple drinks

for Dolly and I,

to celebrate your wedding, and I tripped on the rug

and spilled the drink in her lap,

and she went upstairs to rinse out, in cold water...

so the dress stain wouldn't stay there...

and Lamont's old robe was on the nail in the bathroom

and she put it on,

and me, being the gentleman that I am,

when she put the robe on,

I put mine on so I wouldn't embarrass her.

Ain't that right, baby... I mean, Dolly?

That's right, that's exactly what happened.

And you expect me to believe a cock-and-bull story like that?

It's true.

Oh no, I don't have to believe a cock-and-bull story like that.

It's the truth.

You've gotta believe it.

Please believe it, Grady.

Oh, no.

Only a fool would believe

a cock-and bull story like that.

Now, do I look like a fool?

You don't look like no fool.

Well, only a fool would think

that I would believe

a cock-and-bull story like that.

Wait a minute.

Who you calling a fool, fool?

I think he was talking to you, Dolly.

Well, I'm not gonna stand here and be called a fool

by an old fool like you, fool!

I think she was talking to you, Grady.

An... an... an old fool, am I?

Do... do... do you know what you are?

You're a...

what's that woman's name in the Bible?

Um, um, uh... Jezebel! That's what you are.

You a Jezebel,

because she was... She was, um, uh...

Wicked, that's right.

Wicked.

You can't talk to me that way.

Oh, yes, I can too.

Oh, yes, he can.

There's... there's a word for women like you

who go around flaunting their bodies

just to get a man's money.

You... you a female uh...

Gigolo. Gigolo, that's what you are!

Your money? You don't even have any!

And even if I did,

I wouldn't let you get your hands on it. You... you... you...

Gold digger!

Gold digger!

Wanting to marry me for my money.

I wouldn't marry you for nothing.

Look, I don't even want to see you again.

Get out of my way,

you and your funny-looking charcoal gray beard.

I'm leaving.

Where's she going with my robe?

I don't know and I don't care, because I'm leaving too.

Yeah, but where's she going with my robe?

I... I... I don't know, son, I...

I was just... I was just standing here.

Now, come on, Pop.

Now tell me what was going on here, man,

her in my bathrobe and you in yours.

Well, I'll tell you what happened.

See, I was getting a couple of drinks

and I brought them over to Dolly

and stumbled on the rug

and spilled the drink in her lap

and she went upstairs to wash the stain out

and she put on your robe

that was hanging on the nail

in the bathroom

and when she put your robe on...

I... I... I, being the gentleman that I am,

I put my robe on

so that she wouldn't be embarrassed.

And you expected Grady

to believe a cock-and-bull story like that?

It's not my fault he didn't believe it.

It was true.

Well, knowing you, it probably is the truth.

It is the truth, and I've always said

that truth will set you free.

Really, and I told Grady the truth,

and set him free.

Yeah, that's great, Pop,

but where is she going with my robe?

You still talking about that robe?

That was my robe.

I know it was your robe.

Why don't you give her your robe?

Because this is my robe!

I had to have something to put on, didn't I?

Yeah, but what about my robe?

She'll bring your robe back.

Yeah, but I might as well...

You're not complaining about a robe.

Take my robe!

Here's my robe!

Hi, son.

You going out or you gonna stay home

and watch the Roller Derby with me?

Going out, Pop.

You missing a good one tonight.

Look here, they got the Tulsa Titwillows

versus the San Diego Sap Suckers.

Sounds like a dynamite bill, but I think I'm gonna hat up.

Hey, is Grady coming over here?

Oh, he might be coming around,

now that he's busted up with old Deputy Dog.

Stop it.

Well, I'll see you later, Pop.

Hey, I bet that's Grady now.

Hi, Grady.

Get out my way, Lamont.

You expect me to believe a cock-and-bull story like that?

Get out my way, Lamont.

Well, I guess it's just Sanford and the Sap Suckers.