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1
00:00:56,323 --> 00:00:58,268
Hey, Pop, I'm home.
2
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:00,772
Is lunch ready? I'm starving.
3
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,681
Good morning, son.
4
00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:12,782
Good morning?
5
00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:14,184
Do you know what time it is?
6
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:16,486
Where?
7
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:18,088
What do you mean, "where"?
8
00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:21,724
Well, I was watching
Hawaii Five-O last night,
9
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:24,661
and I'm on Honolulu time.
10
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:27,230
You know, just a little TV-lag.
11
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:28,532
You've got work-lag.
12
00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:30,167
I've been up since 7:00, Pop.
13
00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:32,235
Well, the way I look at it is,
14
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:35,872
7:00 here, but
it's 6:00 in Hawaii,
15
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:39,008
so I just got up an
hour ahead of you,
16
00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:40,177
and another way I figure it,
17
00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:42,312
it's 6:00 in the
morning in Hawaii.
18
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:44,548
I'm going back to bed.
19
00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:45,615
Wait a minute.
20
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:46,816
We've got a truck out there
21
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,085
that has to be unloaded.
22
00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:49,186
Okay.
23
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,853
I'm going to get
me some breakfast.
24
00:01:50,877 --> 00:01:52,189
It's too late for breakfast.
25
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,157
Not in Honolulu.
26
00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:02,031
Hi, Lamont. I've got a
registered letter for you.
27
00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:03,032
Oh, for me?
28
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:06,103
Yeah. I'll sign... Hi, Fred!
29
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,337
Aloha.
30
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:08,893
Goodbye-ha.
31
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:13,643
What you got there, son?
32
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,279
Uh... It's... It's a
letter from St. Louis.
33
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:17,714
From St. Louis?
Well, tear it up.
34
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,682
I ain't got no money
to loan nobody.
35
00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:21,585
No, Pop, nobody's asking
for any money. It's, uh...
36
00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:23,086
Did it come postage due?
37
00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:24,221
No.
38
00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:25,589
Is it written in crayon?
39
00:02:25,613 --> 00:02:27,557
No.
40
00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:30,059
Did it come here
on jail stationery?
41
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:31,128
No.
42
00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:32,229
Well, that takes care
43
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,213
of your mother's
side of the family.
44
00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:38,668
Wait a... Who wrote it?
45
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,737
Well, it's a letter
from a lawyer
46
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:44,040
that says he represents
your late cousin.
47
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:45,344
Late for what?
48
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:49,112
Pop, your cousin,
George Sanford, died.
49
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:53,350
They think he was late then,
he's really gonna be late now.
50
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:55,519
Look at this.
51
00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:57,687
Last will and testament.
52
00:02:57,711 --> 00:03:00,823
"I, George Sanford,
being of sound mind...
53
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,892
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Something gotta be wrong there.
54
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:06,696
"Sound mind"? That
can't be our cousin George.
55
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,598
Would you let me finish?
56
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:10,567
"Being of sound mind and body,
57
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,935
"since I did not have
any children of my own...
58
00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:16,306
His body wasn't too
sound, either, was it?
59
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,940
Go ahead.
60
00:03:17,964 --> 00:03:20,943
"I hereby bequeath
to Lamont Sanford
61
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:25,148
"the sum of $7000... $7000?
62
00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:29,152
Poor... Poor Cousin George.
63
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:31,042
He's gone.
64
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:35,792
"$7000, subject
65
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,294
"to the following conditions:
66
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,562
"that he marry and have a child,
67
00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:39,663
"and that the said child
68
00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:41,798
"be named George
Sanford "the Second.
69
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:42,832
"See, it is my hope,
70
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:43,933
"through my cousin Lamont,
71
00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,068
"that my name
will be perpetuated
72
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,103
for at least one
more generation."
73
00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:48,471
Isn't that something, Pop?
74
00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:50,106
Do you believe this, man?
75
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:53,443
Pop? Pop?
76
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:54,611
Pop.
77
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:57,836
Me, a grandfather.
78
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,586
George Sanford the Second...
79
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:06,345
Has a nice ring to it,
sort of like a cash register.
80
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,426
Well, just don't go
spending that money
81
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:10,460
too soon, Pop,
82
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:12,262
because we've got
to think about this.
83
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:14,726
You're right, son.
Let's think about it.
84
00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,034
That's long enough.
85
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:22,305
Now, look, your dear
departed cousin George
86
00:04:22,329 --> 00:04:24,708
has left you 7000 big ones,
87
00:04:24,732 --> 00:04:26,976
and all you got to
do is have a baby.
88
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,978
Look, Pop, I know $7000
is a lot of money, man,
89
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:30,046
but the thing that I...
90
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,449
It's not just the money.
91
00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:33,750
See, it's things.
92
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:37,754
It's, it's... It's...
It's a color TV.
93
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,989
It's a Playboy key.
94
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:42,191
It's... It's a new truck,
95
00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:46,217
and it's 3500 trips to
the two-dollar window.
96
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:50,667
Not yet it isn't.
Just listen to this.
97
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,469
"If the baby's not
born within 12 months,
98
00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:53,670
"the money will be distributed
99
00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:54,937
"to charities
benefiting black people
100
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,273
in America."
101
00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:59,041
That money is not going
to benefit any black people
102
00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:00,109
in America.
103
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,879
That money is
going to benefit us.
104
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:05,448
Well, even if I do
decide to do it, Pop,
105
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,550
that doesn't give me
much time, you know.
106
00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:11,821
You've got nine months.
Sometimes, you don't need that.
107
00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:15,358
You need at least nine
months unless you're a rabbit.
108
00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:16,593
No, you don't.
109
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,695
What about that
girl, that Peterson girl,
110
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,397
that married that
guy from Chicago?
111
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:22,465
They wasn't married
but four months,
112
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:25,735
and then wham, boomaloom, bam!
113
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,459
Baby.
114
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,374
Listen, son. Do it.
115
00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:34,311
I've always wanted
me a grandbaby.
116
00:05:34,335 --> 00:05:35,612
And I want you to have one, Pop.
117
00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:36,713
It's just that I don't want
118
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:37,847
to go rushing into something
119
00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,683
that I'm going to
be sorry for later.
120
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:40,750
You won't be sorry.
121
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:44,020
There's nothing like
having somebody home
122
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:46,088
when you come home to them,
123
00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:47,457
and sit down with them
124
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:48,991
and eat with them
and sleep with them
125
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,126
and sit around a table,
126
00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:53,763
counting money with them.
127
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:54,798
I'm not getting married, man.
128
00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:56,399
I'm not ready to
give up my freedom.
129
00:05:56,423 --> 00:05:57,801
Well, are you ready to give up
130
00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:59,001
some of your teeth?
131
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,337
You're getting married.
132
00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:01,571
I'm not getting married.
You're getting married.
133
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:02,572
I'm not getting married.
134
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:03,573
You've got to get married.
135
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:05,308
I don't have to get married.
136
00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:06,643
Look, look, Pop,
there's a million things
137
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,277
that I want to do, man.
138
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:11,047
I want to have
adventure and travel.
139
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:12,515
I want to have girlfriends.
140
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:13,850
There's plenty of
time for girlfriends
141
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,820
after you get married.
142
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:20,159
Hey, Pop, something's
burning in the oven.
143
00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:38,274
Hey, that's it, Pop.
I've decided, man.
144
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:39,542
I'm not getting married.
145
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,210
But what about the $7000?
146
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:43,145
The money doesn't count, man.
147
00:06:43,169 --> 00:06:44,213
When I get married,
148
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,282
it's going to be for
love, not money.
149
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:49,808
Well, what about a
compromise? Love of money.
150
00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:53,189
Do you know what
you're asking me to do?
151
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:55,558
You're asking me to
sell myself for $7000.
152
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,627
No, I ain't. You don't
have to sell yourself.
153
00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:59,751
Just rent it out
for a little while.
154
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,899
Look, Pop, it's not that
I'm against marriage.
155
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,901
It's just that I want
to wait for the right girl
156
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:05,902
to come along.
157
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,470
When is that gonna happen?
158
00:07:07,494 --> 00:07:09,672
I don't know. I go
out with a lot of girls,
159
00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:11,274
but the girls that
you go out with
160
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:12,876
aren't necessarily the
ones you want to marry.
161
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:16,312
Look, you married Mom
because she was your perfect girl.
162
00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:19,215
I mean, she was warm and
wonderful and wise and...
163
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,005
And working.
164
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:26,489
Don't worry, Pop, I'll
find her sooner or later.
165
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:28,224
Better sooner than later.
166
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:29,959
You know, you only
got nine months.
167
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:31,850
You ain't Bugs Bunny.
168
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:36,265
I... I still don't think
169
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,100
that Lamont is
going to appreciate
170
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,804
you finding him a wife
through a computer.
171
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:44,273
But he'll sure
appreciate that $7000.
172
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,308
Hmm.
173
00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:47,209
Hey, Grady, looky there.
174
00:07:47,233 --> 00:07:49,679
"How to increase
your sexual awareness
175
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,570
with Yogi."
176
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:56,608
When did he quit baseball?
177
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:04,293
No, Grady, see,
178
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,796
this magazine is
about Cicely Tyson,
179
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,499
and that's the kind
of girl Lamont likes.
180
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:10,633
You really think so, huh?
181
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:11,634
Absolutely.
182
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,471
You know, you know,
Fred, I saw her on TV,
183
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:17,740
and she was 105 years old.
184
00:08:17,764 --> 00:08:19,108
Oh, you dumb...
185
00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,010
That was the role
she was playing.
186
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:24,413
She must be... Thirtyish.
187
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:25,414
Thirtyish?
188
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:29,652
Boy, she sure let herself go.
189
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,643
She's pretty.
190
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,959
Sorry to keep you
gentlemen waiting,
191
00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:38,094
but if you'll just
step over here...
192
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,118
Come on.
193
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:49,706
Mr. Sanford, so you're the Romeo
194
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:52,174
that's looking for his Juliet?
195
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:56,846
No, I'm not a
Romeo, I'm Freddy-o.
196
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,582
See, my son, Lamont,
he's the Romeo,
197
00:08:59,606 --> 00:09:01,250
and he sent us over here,
198
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:04,709
because he's busy
doing brain surgery.
199
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:09,792
What age is your son?
200
00:09:09,816 --> 00:09:12,116
He's... Excuse me, a minute.
201
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:15,999
What age should I give?
202
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:17,534
Well, he's 32, ain't he?
203
00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:19,268
32, yeah, right...
204
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:23,205
But what if Cicely
Tyson likes older men?
205
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:26,142
Oh, then... Then say he's 42.
206
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:29,078
He's 4... Wait a minute.
207
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,146
What if she's that kind of chick
208
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:31,881
that like a younger man?
209
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:35,151
Oh, then say he's 22.
210
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,619
He's 22.
211
00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:38,387
22.
212
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,244
Or 32 or 42.
213
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,093
22 or 42?
214
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:45,294
Yeah.
215
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,129
See, his mother lost
his birth certificate,
216
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:49,788
and I remember
it had a two on it.
217
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:53,469
Why don't we just
use the median?
218
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,404
That'll make him 32.
219
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,540
Now, the next question
220
00:09:57,564 --> 00:09:59,542
concerns his occupation.
221
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:01,077
You did say he's a doctor.
222
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,078
Part-time.
223
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,047
Part-time?
224
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,950
Yeah, part-time
doctor and lawyer.
225
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:09,185
My goodness,
doctor and a lawyer.
226
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,910
Yeah, he's an Alpha Beta market.
227
00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:21,064
About his
extracurricular activities...
228
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,955
Oh, they healed up.
229
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:29,205
Does he enjoy sports?
230
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:30,206
Sports?
231
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:31,474
Yes. Oh, yes.
232
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:33,309
He loves tennis,
indoor, outdoor,
233
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:36,512
and polo, you know, on
the land, on the water...
234
00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:38,937
However, if his horse
feels like swimming.
235
00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:42,652
If your son had a choice,
236
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,854
would he go to a hockey game,
237
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:47,289
a dance, or a movie?
238
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:48,324
Oh, a movie.
239
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:49,525
What type movies?
240
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:51,060
Cicely Tyson type movie.
241
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:52,294
Does Lamont feel
242
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,697
there's too much sex
in movies of today?
243
00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:56,587
Well... Excuse me.
244
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:00,069
Was there any sex in Sounder?
245
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:02,653
No, no, no, just a dog.
246
00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:09,045
Uh, no, Lamont thinks
there's too much sex
247
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,781
in movies and not enough dogs.
248
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:16,552
Put that down. Less
sex, and more dogs.
249
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:18,121
I've got it.
250
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:21,024
Now, what's his reason
for finding a mate?
251
00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:23,059
Friendship or matrimony?
252
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:26,250
Matrimony, followed
by baby-mony...
253
00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,555
Followed by real-money.
254
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:40,509
Is he marriageable
in the near future?
255
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,611
The nearer, the better.
256
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:43,746
How near?
257
00:11:43,770 --> 00:11:45,748
Well, I've got a few
things to take care of,
258
00:11:45,772 --> 00:11:47,016
like tuxedos and...
259
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,951
And a hall and a minister,
260
00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:50,419
and we've got to
get Leo's Barbecue
261
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:53,990
to cater the reception and...
262
00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:56,681
How about 6:00 tonight?
263
00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:03,833
♪ Here comes The bride ♪
264
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:06,703
♪ Oh, here comes The bride ♪
265
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:08,771
So, Fred, I still think
266
00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:09,972
you should have told Lamont
267
00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:12,175
about inviting that
Date-A-Mate lady
268
00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:14,143
here to dinner.
269
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,112
♪ I would like to... ♪
270
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,447
Hey, hey, what's the occasion?
271
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:19,648
Oh, didn't I tell you?
272
00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:21,084
We have a surprise guest
273
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:22,685
coming to dinner tonight.
274
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:25,287
Oh, goodness, I forgot the wine.
275
00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:26,989
Oh, Grady, how do
you forget everything?
276
00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:29,192
You... You forgot the wine.
What's wrong with your mind?
277
00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:31,828
I don't know, Fred.
278
00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:34,552
Ask Lamont, though.
He's the brain surgeon.
279
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:39,602
I'm the what?
280
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:40,837
Nothing, son. Nothing.
281
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,105
Come on, Grady.
Let's go get the wine.
282
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,239
Hey, Pop, why don't you tell me
283
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,240
who's coming here tonight?
284
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:45,641
I told you it was a surprise.
285
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:47,443
If I tell you, it won't
be no surprise.
286
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,445
All right, all right. No,
go ahead and clean up,
287
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,247
and wash up nice,
you know what I mean?
288
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,511
Put some stuff under your arms.
289
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:58,420
Hello?
290
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,022
Hello. Is that you, Lamont?
291
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:01,557
This is Miss Williams.
292
00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:03,025
Who?
293
00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:04,460
Miss Williams of Date-A-Mate.
294
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:05,795
We just spoke this afternoon.
295
00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:07,029
We did?
296
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,631
I made a dinner
date for you tonight
297
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:09,766
with Nora Simpson.
298
00:13:09,790 --> 00:13:11,567
Say, are you sure you're Lamont?
299
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,803
Your voice sounded
more older before.
300
00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:16,305
Uh, wait a minute,
lady, I think you got...
301
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:17,606
Did you say "older"?
302
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,476
Yes, and more gravelly.
303
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,911
Uh, well,
304
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:25,381
that's because this afternoon,
I had a cold, but I'm fine now.
305
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,283
Now, what was it you
were saying about dinner?
306
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,285
Well, Nora won't
be able to make it
307
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:30,386
until 9:00.
308
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:31,487
Will that be okay?
309
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:33,389
Oh, yeah, 9:00 would be perfect.
310
00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:36,259
Good. She's just
dying to meet you.
311
00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:38,327
You two have so much in common,
312
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:42,153
especially the
margarine body rubs.
313
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:53,075
The margarine what?
314
00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:54,877
Body rubs.
315
00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:56,979
Oh, you don't do that anymore?
316
00:13:57,003 --> 00:14:00,338
Uh, no, I moved up to
the higher-priced spread.
317
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,122
She'll be there around 9:00.
318
00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:07,123
Yeah, right.
319
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:08,124
Bye.
320
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:09,413
Bye-bye.
321
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:13,362
So he wants a
surprise dinner, huh?
322
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:15,253
I'll give him a surprise.
323
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:31,447
Hello?
324
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:33,850
Hello, Janet. This is
Lamont, Lamont Sanford.
325
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,318
Hi, Lamont. How are you?
326
00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:36,919
Fine. How you doing?
327
00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:39,222
Are you busy tonight
around a quarter past 8:00?
328
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:40,323
No, what's up?
329
00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:41,757
Because I need a little favor,
330
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,659
and I was wondering if
you could help me out.
331
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,328
See, do you remember
332
00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:46,729
that improvisational
acting class
333
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:47,730
that we took together
334
00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:48,797
where you played the drunk?
335
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:49,798
Sure.
336
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,067
Yeah, well, I was wondering
337
00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:52,701
if you could give a
little repeat performance
338
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,004
tonight over at my house
339
00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:56,839
for a little party that
my father's throwing.
340
00:14:56,863 --> 00:14:59,541
See, it's kind of
like a surprise party,
341
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:00,943
and I was wondering
342
00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:03,045
if you could wear the dress
that you wore that night...
343
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,046
Uh-huh.
344
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:06,749
And get here at about 8:15,
345
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,084
and everything will
be perfect, okay?
346
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:09,551
And when my father
answers the door,
347
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:12,154
tell him that your
name is Nora Simpson...
348
00:15:12,178 --> 00:15:13,322
Nora Simpson?
349
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:14,690
And you're my computer
date. You got that?
350
00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,058
Nora Simpson. Nora Simpson.
351
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,059
Okay. What time again?
352
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,060
About 8:15.
353
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,095
Uh-huh.
354
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,129
Okay, and everything
will be perfect.
355
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:21,130
All right.
356
00:15:21,154 --> 00:15:23,021
Okay. Bye-bye.
357
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,309
Hey, Lamont.
358
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,278
I'll be right down, Pop.
359
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,413
That's good. She
ain't got here yet.
360
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,415
You start pouring the wine,
and I'll check on the dinner.
361
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,849
Okay.
362
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:45,043
"Chateau Newfie de papa..."
363
00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:48,712
"Ohio's best."
364
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:56,498
All right.
365
00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:59,657
Hi. I'm Nora Simpson.
366
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:11,981
Hey, Fred!
367
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:13,882
What? What is it?
368
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,774
Guess who's coming to dinner.
369
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,474
Don't just stand there. Why
don't you open up the door?
370
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,662
I'm coming, I'm coming.
371
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:29,220
Hi. I'm Nora Simpson.
372
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:43,512
Don't just stand there laughing.
373
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,681
Help me get rid of her.
374
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,216
♪ I would like to know ♪
375
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,717
Hey, Pop, where's
your dinner guest?
376
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,353
Uh... Who?
377
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:51,720
Your dinner guest.
378
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:53,222
I heard somebody
knocking on the door.
379
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,157
Nobody knocked on this door.
380
00:16:56,883 --> 00:17:00,084
Son, we've got to
get this door fixed.
381
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:05,156
Hi. I'm Nora Simpson.
382
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:09,138
Is everything all right?
383
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:10,406
I mean, I'm a little early,
384
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:11,940
but I was able to get away.
385
00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,376
Oh, yeah, that...
That's perfect.
386
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,776
It means that we'll
have more time
387
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:15,777
to get acquainted.
388
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:16,845
Oh, good.
389
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,447
Why don't you
come in and sit down.
390
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:19,471
Oh, thank you.
391
00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:22,218
Uh...
392
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:24,487
Would... Would you
like a drink, Miss...
393
00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:26,911
Simpson, Nora Simpson.
394
00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:31,260
I'd love one, yeah, a martini.
395
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:32,861
Oh, one martini.
396
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:36,020
Yeah, would you
hold the olive, please?
397
00:17:39,959 --> 00:17:42,171
Uh, excuse me, Miss, but... Hmm?
398
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,506
I don't want to be rude,
399
00:17:43,530 --> 00:17:45,408
but you were
supposed to be at 8:00,
400
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:48,044
and now it's 8:10,
and we couldn't wait,
401
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:50,679
so everything is gone,
402
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:53,382
so here, take a dollar
403
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:56,785
and go get you a Fatburger.
404
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:59,055
Hey, Pop, she's our guest.
405
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,322
Oh, that's okay, Lamont.
406
00:18:00,346 --> 00:18:03,159
You see, I always bring
my own dinner anyway,
407
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:05,594
see, because I am
a vegetarian, so...
408
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:06,695
Uh-oh.
409
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:07,930
Listen, that computer
410
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:10,232
must have got your
cards all mixed up,
411
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,300
because y'all were
supposed to have
412
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:12,401
everything in common.
413
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:13,602
Oh, I'm sure we do.
414
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:14,870
Uh-uh.
415
00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:18,807
You're a vegetarian, and
Lamont here is a meat freak.
416
00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:22,545
Well, Pop, I could always
learn to be a vegetarian.
417
00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:24,569
Could you learn to be white?
418
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:31,853
Uh, here's your drink.
419
00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:32,888
Oh, thank you.
420
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:33,912
Mm-hmm.
421
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,159
How about another one?
422
00:18:37,183 --> 00:18:39,061
Could you make
that a double, please?
423
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:40,329
Oh, sure.
424
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,353
And would you hold the olive?
425
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:44,866
You know what I think?
426
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:46,001
No, what?
427
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:48,545
Well, I think we're just
gonna hit it off great.
428
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:51,073
One double martini.
429
00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:52,630
Oh, merci.
430
00:18:56,902 --> 00:18:59,381
Whoo!
431
00:18:59,405 --> 00:19:00,716
To us, Lamont.
432
00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:02,284
Yeah, right.
433
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,785
Could I have
another one, please?
434
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,187
Oh, sure.
435
00:19:05,211 --> 00:19:08,312
Uh... How long you want
me to hold these olives?
436
00:19:15,421 --> 00:19:18,501
Oh, Lamont, you know something?
437
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:19,935
I think you're cute.
438
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,670
Uh... I think you're cute too.
439
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:24,039
Don't you think she's cute, Pop?
440
00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:26,442
I think that your
moustache is cute.
441
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:28,344
Oh, you like his
moustache? Yeah.
442
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:29,845
Well, why don't you
get ready to leave,
443
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,046
and I'll have him shave it off
444
00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:33,030
so you can take it
home and smoke it.
445
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:37,586
Oh, boy, I am so hungry.
446
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,121
Whoops.
447
00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:40,322
Got up a little fast.
448
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:41,524
Yeah, let's just come over here
449
00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:43,592
and sit down, and
we'll have some dinner.
450
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:44,627
How am I doing?
451
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,462
You're doing just great.
452
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,186
Ah, yes.
453
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:54,136
You sit over there,
454
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:55,171
on the other side of the table.
455
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:56,972
Yeah, but I want
to sit next to Nora.
456
00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:59,141
You don't want
to sit next to Nora.
457
00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,809
Come here, son,
help me get this stuff
458
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:01,910
out of the kitchen.
459
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,379
Excuse us, Nora. Just
make yourself at home.
460
00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:04,403
Okay.
461
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:19,127
Grady, don't do that.
462
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,663
Why don't you go
into the living room
463
00:20:20,687 --> 00:20:22,553
and keep Nora company.
464
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,670
Say, listen, son,
465
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,004
we've got to get
rid of that girl.
466
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:30,206
Why, Pop? She just got here,
467
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:32,174
and besides, I
think she's charming.
468
00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:33,775
There's some other
charming lushes
469
00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:34,810
in the world.
470
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,978
Find a black one.
471
00:20:37,002 --> 00:20:39,081
Pop, would you let
me enjoy myself?
472
00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:40,916
I mean, after all, the
computer-date thing
473
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,619
said that we were perfect,
we were made for each other,
474
00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:45,287
and computers
don't make mistakes.
475
00:20:45,311 --> 00:20:48,657
That one did, a $7000 one.
476
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:50,359
Pop, would you quit worrying?
477
00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:51,827
I'm not worrying about me, son.
478
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:53,429
I'm worried about my grandbaby.
479
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:54,730
Think of it,
480
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,932
a mother that's a lush and
a father that's a dummy.
481
00:20:56,956 --> 00:21:00,258
It's my grandbaby. My
grandbaby will be a "lummy."
482
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,710
Well, that's not
my fault, now, is it?
483
00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:09,911
Because you were the
one to set this whole thing up
484
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:11,680
in the first place, Pop, not me.
485
00:21:11,704 --> 00:21:12,981
But how was I to know
486
00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:14,015
that the computer
was colorblind?
487
00:21:14,039 --> 00:21:15,083
It just messed up.
488
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:16,118
The computer didn't mess up.
489
00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:17,152
You messed up,
490
00:21:17,176 --> 00:21:18,954
and you're going to
have to stick with it,
491
00:21:18,978 --> 00:21:20,556
because I'm not
going to go out there
492
00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:21,790
and hurt that girl's feelings.
493
00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:23,792
Well, I'll go out there
and let her down easy.
494
00:21:23,816 --> 00:21:25,060
All right, let her down easy.
495
00:21:25,084 --> 00:21:26,094
Use some tact.
496
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,129
I know tact.
497
00:21:27,153 --> 00:21:28,196
Use some diplomacy.
498
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,298
I know diplomacy.
499
00:21:32,057 --> 00:21:33,034
Say, Nora.
500
00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:34,436
Yes, Mr. Sanford?
501
00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:38,274
You're a drunken lush.
502
00:21:38,298 --> 00:21:39,508
It's over, son,
503
00:21:39,532 --> 00:21:41,610
because I got her here
under false pretenses,
504
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:43,612
and, you know, your happiness
is more important to me
505
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:44,880
than $7000.
506
00:21:44,904 --> 00:21:46,948
I ain't never gonna butt
in your business again.
507
00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:48,250
You sure about that?
508
00:21:48,274 --> 00:21:49,885
Positive.
509
00:21:49,909 --> 00:21:53,243
Hi. I'm Nora Simpson.
510
00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:55,991
Look, you get the door.
511
00:21:56,015 --> 00:21:58,494
I'll get some ice.
512
00:21:58,518 --> 00:22:00,896
Hi... Shh.
513
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:02,464
What's the matter?
514
00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:04,800
Nothing. Everything's
perfect, Janet...
515
00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:06,067
Except you're too late.
516
00:22:06,091 --> 00:22:08,003
You said a quarter after 8:00.
517
00:22:08,027 --> 00:22:09,672
Oh, no, you were
here on time, but, see,
518
00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:10,773
the real Nora Simpson showed up,
519
00:22:10,797 --> 00:22:11,774
and she did everything
520
00:22:11,798 --> 00:22:12,775
that you were supposed to do.
521
00:22:12,799 --> 00:22:14,343
Oh, is she an actress too?
522
00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:15,744
No, no, she's not an actress.
523
00:22:15,768 --> 00:22:17,446
Nobody could act that good.
524
00:22:17,470 --> 00:22:18,681
Uh...
525
00:22:18,705 --> 00:22:20,148
But, listen, everything
worked out perfectly,
526
00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:21,750
and I appreciate you
coming over here, Janet.
527
00:22:21,774 --> 00:22:22,751
I'll call you up tomorrow
528
00:22:22,775 --> 00:22:23,952
and tell you all about it.
529
00:22:23,976 --> 00:22:24,953
All right.
530
00:22:24,977 --> 00:22:25,977
Okay? Bye.
531
00:22:27,079 --> 00:22:29,157
Who was that?
532
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:30,492
Nobody, Pop.
533
00:22:30,516 --> 00:22:31,993
It was just somebody
looking for an address.
534
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:33,161
You know...
535
00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:35,664
What are you gonna do
about Lush-A-Mate here?
536
00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:36,665
Don't worry about her.
537
00:22:36,689 --> 00:22:38,400
I'll call a cab and
pour her into it.
538
00:22:38,424 --> 00:22:40,135
Oh, no, that's
okay, that's okay.
539
00:22:40,159 --> 00:22:42,938
I can just get home.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
540
00:22:42,962 --> 00:22:46,842
I've got my car out there
parked on the sidewalk,
541
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:49,110
in the hedge.
542
00:22:49,134 --> 00:22:50,111
Bye.
543
00:22:50,135 --> 00:22:52,047
I think I'd better
go with her, Pop.
544
00:22:52,071 --> 00:22:54,082
No, son, wait a minute.
That's not your responsibility.
545
00:22:54,106 --> 00:22:55,751
You're not the one who
went to Date-A-Mate.
546
00:22:55,775 --> 00:22:57,553
You're not the one
who told all them lies.
547
00:22:57,577 --> 00:22:59,555
You're not the one who
started all this here stuff.
548
00:22:59,579 --> 00:23:01,857
The one that's at fault should
be the one to take her home.
549
00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:04,348
Grady, take the lady home.
550
00:23:13,659 --> 00:23:21,142
$4571.52, divided by 312...
551
00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:25,080
Equals... 72... One, five.
552
00:23:25,104 --> 00:23:27,416
Son, how much is 42 and 30?
553
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:28,851
72. Why? What are you doing?
554
00:23:28,875 --> 00:23:31,086
I'm just making a
little calculation here.
555
00:23:31,110 --> 00:23:32,320
You know, $7000
556
00:23:32,344 --> 00:23:33,822
ain't as much money
as it sounds like.
557
00:23:33,846 --> 00:23:34,890
What do you mean?
558
00:23:34,914 --> 00:23:36,258
Well, look here.
559
00:23:36,282 --> 00:23:38,727
After you pay for the
marriage and have the baby,
560
00:23:38,751 --> 00:23:40,396
and pay Leo's for the barbecue
561
00:23:40,420 --> 00:23:42,631
and the hall and
everything, the minister,
562
00:23:42,655 --> 00:23:45,300
that $6,200.
563
00:23:45,324 --> 00:23:47,969
That'd don't leave
me and you but $800.
564
00:23:47,993 --> 00:23:50,706
What do you mean, "me and you"?
565
00:23:50,730 --> 00:23:52,496
Us.
566
00:23:54,634 --> 00:23:55,744
Us?
567
00:23:55,768 --> 00:23:58,814
Yeah, us. $400 apiece.
568
00:23:58,838 --> 00:24:02,384
See, so the way I figure,
you just give me my $400,
569
00:24:02,408 --> 00:24:05,153
then I'll save you
a lot of trouble.
570
00:24:05,177 --> 00:24:07,044
See, son?
571
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:12,060
Here's your checkbook.
572
00:24:12,084 --> 00:24:13,361
You write $400.
573
00:24:13,385 --> 00:24:14,996
I wouldn't write $400
down in that book.
574
00:24:15,020 --> 00:24:15,997
Write $400.
575
00:24:16,021 --> 00:24:18,300
If I had $400, I
wouldn't write $400.
576
00:24:18,324 --> 00:24:22,037
Give me my money, now.
39339
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