All language subtitles for RuPauls.Drag.Race.S13E12.WEB-DL.480p-FN.en

RuPaul: Previously
on RuPaul's Drag Race...

You'll create and brand
your own soft drink.

-Yeah!
-Action.

Is your blood sugar low?

[burp]
[both laugh]

Utica.

I didn't exactly know
what your soda did.

Tina Burner.

-What I'm getting from you...
-Hell, yeah!

..was a bit of predictability.

-Rosé.
-The commercial is textbook.

And it was funny.

Symone.

It's a branding challenge,

and I can
still see your logo.

Con-drag-ulations. You're the
winner of this week's challenge.

Rosé, you are also the winner
of this week's challenge.

[cheering]

Utica, shantay you stay.

Tina, my dear,
sashay away.

-Oh, Tina.
-Tina.

My Tina Burn-turn.

Tina just went home.

It's heartbreaking,

because Tina has been
such a great sister

in this competition.

Tina!

She won our hearts.

I fully thought
that I was going home.

When RuPaul called my name,
I was shook.

And I feel
really bad about it

because I...

I think Tina deserves
to stay more than I do.

And she's so awesome.

You know, like, it hurt me
to see her go home.

But for me, it feels
really good to lip sync

and, like I had
a lot of fun with Tina there.

What did you guys think?

Utica is so confusing.

She'll full lip sync
for her life,

and come back, like, sobbing,

But then
when you ask her about it,

she's, like, it was such
an honor to lip sync.

I love lip syncing so much.

And you're, like, hmm?

You made a really
interesting choice.

You played a character in that,
and it served you well.

I'm not gonna sit here
and tell you,

oh, girl,
you slayed the lip sync

when I don't think you did.

I thought Tina slayed
that fucking lip sync.

Well, we're gonna miss you.

Love you, Tinta Burnter.

I cannot believe I sent
the great Tina Burner home.

I will say I am tapping
myself on the back.

Tina is so talented
and so established

and mama booted her off
the pedestal. So aah!

I think we might have

a new lip sync assassin
on our hands. [laughs]

Well, we all fit
on the couches now.

Miss double win.
The two winners.

-Congrats, you guys.
-That's stunning.

Listen, I think we all thought
that you were gonna win this,

and well deserved.

But it gags me
that I won it, too.

Maybe next time
it'll be a triple win.

I wanna win so fucking bad.

Tina's now gone, so Kandy's
the lone competitor

who hasn't had a win.

Like, red flag.
Alert. SOS.

Being now the top six,

safe is just
not cutting it anymore.

There is no more safe.

It's like if you're not in
the top, you're in the bottom.

Bitch, that crown
is right there in the middle,

and we're all, like...

So as we're winding down

to the end
of this competition,

my strategy is I just wanna
put my best foot forward

and I want to trip everyone

so I can get to the top.

Bring on the crown.

Oh-ho!

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪

RuPaul; The winner
of RuPaul's Drag Race

receives a one-year supply

of Anastasia Beverly Hills
cosmetics

and a cash prize of $100.000.

With extra-special guest judge
Loni Love.

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪

♪ May the best woman ♪

♪ Best woman win ♪

[cheering]

Yes!

So it is a new day,
and I am so excited.

I just got my fourth win
in this competition.

It feels great.
We're in the home stretch.

But it's also like this is still
RuPaul's Drag Race.

Anything can happen.

[alarm]

-Okay, let's get it going.
-Ooh, girl!

She done already
done had herses.

Good girls finish last.

-Oh?
-So who you gonna be?

Miss Goody Two Shoes

or hell on heels?

I'll meet your ass
at the parking lot.

Oh.

I'm ready. [laughs]

Hello, hello, hello.

[cheering]

My queens,
for today's mini-challenge,

you need to star

in your own live
makeup tutorial

on how to create
the perfect glam selfie.

Yes.

And lucky you

gets to feature
the new Norvina palette

from Anastasia Beverly Hills.

Werk.
[applause]

Oh, and here's the best part.

You'll be doing it in pairs.

One of you will be the face,

and one of you
will be her arms.

-Werk.
-Yes.

Okay, queens, partner up.

-We're together?
-I'd love to.

[laughs]

Okay, you've got 10 minutes
to get into quick drag.

No, wait. 9 1/2 minutes.

Go!
[screaming]

I could really use Tina
right now,

'cause I need some beard cover.

[all laugh]

Queens, say hello
to the president

of Anastasia Beverly Hills,
Norvina.

Norvina, thank you
for supplying

all of this season's
gorgeous cosmetics.

My pleasure.

All right.

Remember, the queen
with the funniest face wins.

Hit it.

Hello to all of my friends,
fans, and followers.

Of course it is me,
your girl Samantha.

We are trying out the Norvina
collection right here.

I want to start
with some loose setting powder.

Okay, we've got
a lot of this.

Okay, so we've got
this lovely--uh-huh.

[all laugh]

Okay. Mm-hmm.
This is great.

So now it looks like
I wanna do a nice tangerine.

[both laugh]

And start
with this base. Ow.

Wow. [laughs]
Feels good.

And I'm gonna finish that off
with some green. Wow.

Okay, on the other side.

We've got two lipsticks here.

Just add it right in there.

And remember, you can
always overdraw your lips

for a sexy, pouty look.

So I'm just gonna
overdraw over here.

I'm just gonna use
this lipstick

to actually--oops, okay.

Why not
make the glue colorful?

That is fantastic.

I'm feeling
absolutely stun-alina

with my Norvina.

I think we have our new slogan.

Mmm.

Symone and Olivia Lux.

I'll be showing you
how to go from plain Jane

to the ebony enchantress.

We gonna go
right in this eye,

this eye right here.

Whoa. Uh, right--yes!

Then we're gonna go
underneath the eye apparently.

How do you accomplish
the perfect smokey eye?

Well, let me show you
right now.

We're gonna start from the chin.

Right on this lovely jawline.

Ru, this is exactly
how we test our makeup

at headquarters.

Really? So no animals,
just drag queens.

-Exactly.
-Pow, baby!

All right, Gottmik and Utica.

Hello, my little
gorgalintresses.

Lately I've seen some really
fucking nasty-ass selfies,

so I'm here to show you

how to beat your face
for the gods

and get the correct selfie.

[all laugh]

Already it's hilarious
because Utica's arms

are like that.

And...I'm gonna do it now.

Yes, there we go.
[all laugh]

Test out the powder, making sure
it's a real good consist--

[all laugh]

Just roll that on.

To finish off this look,

we're gonna grab eyelash glue

to really bring
everything together.

[all laugh]

Grab my lips again.

If you glue your lips,

doesn't it look like
I'm a genuine cow?

[laughs]

And pose.

[laughs]
I think it's cute.

Seems like
a normal Gottmik thing.

[all laugh]

Norvina, please do the honors.

The winners of
this week's challenge are...

Rosé and Kandy.

[cheers and applause]

You've each won
$2.500 worth

of Anastasia Beverly Hills
cosmetics.

-Oh, werk!
-Thank you.

Queens, thank you
for trying my new palette.

Now, Norvina,
as an extra-special surprise,

Kandy and Rosé
are gonna do your makeup.

Oh!
[all laugh]

I hear my Uber.

Ladykins, we live in a time

when a simple act of kindness

can go a long, long way.

But there's always room

for a little bit
of well-executed shade.

Am I right?

So for this week's
maxi-challenge,

we're throwing
a Nice Girls Roast.

-Yes!
-[laughs]

Pig optional.

[all laugh]

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God.

I don't know anything
about roasts.

I've never been to a roast.

I do not wanna roast,
bottom line.

And the nice girls
you'll be roasting

are three
Miss Congeniality winners.

Joining us live
and in person will be

Heidi N Closet...

[all laugh]

America's sweetheart
Nina West...

[all laugh]

And the forever fan favorite

and face mask pioneer,
Valentina.

[cheers and applause]

"I'd like
to keep it on, please."

She was right, I was wrong.

There.

Growth, RuPaul, growth.

Thank you, Dr. Fauci.

[all laugh]

Oh, and Rosé and Kandy,

since you won
the mini-challenge,

you get to decide the order
that the queens will perform.

-Ooh.
-Ooh.

Racers, start your engines,

and may the best drag queen win.

[applause]

Lord have mercy, help me!

Child, I'm not funny.

Honey, this is not the gig.

Roasting up a storm.

It's getting hot in here, baby.
It's a roast.

Our maxi-challenge is...
♪ Ba ba bum ba ba ba ♪

a fucking roast.

Kandy, should we talk first?

Yeah, let's break off.

Kandy and I
get to pick the order.

That is fucking iconic,

because your placement
in a roast lineup

can make or break you.

So seeing all the girls
that are left, and us two--

Well, we get to decide
where we go, like, down.

The first question is
when do you wanna go?

So often in this competition,

girls have the authority and
they forget about themselves.

No, bitch, me and Kandy
are going for ourselves first.

The coveted spots usually
are the first and the last.

I don't know.
I kinda wanna, like, open.

Why do you wanna open?

I feel like I can
come out really strong,

set the bar really high
with energy

and, you know, be really shady.

I also would love to open

and set the tone,
set the energy.

I don't know. I definitely
do not wanna close.

You don't wanna close.

I'm not witty enough to write
my own jokes on the spot,

so if any bitch says my jokes
throughout the roast,

I'm gonna be like, oop.

That's why if I go first,
I don't gotta worry about that.

I do my job
and keep it stepping.

Like, I know you are really--

like, just basing it off
of your winning challenge,

you're really good
with the jokes,

and you can hold any placement.

Tea, but, I mean, the last
has a bit more pressure.

I could close.
I could close.

Rosé, oh, my God, it's risky.

Take a fucking risk, bitch.

We're at the end.
This is the top six.

Don't fucking play safe.
Girl, go last.

So fuck it,
I'm going last.

We should be responsible for
making the night feel good, too.

Like, let's say
I were to open, right,

and Gottmik
were to be in the middle,

and then you were to close,

the energy stays put
throughout the entire night.

I like that idea.

You wanna kind of keep the show
high at the beginning,

high in the middle,
and high at the end.

You know, you don't wanna
have a boring-ass show.

All right, girlies.

So we decided
I'll open the show.

[gasps]

-Symone will be second.
-Okay.

Utica will be third.

Cute.

-Mik will be after Utica.
-Killing it.

Then Olivia,
and Rosé will close out.

-Oh.
-All right.

Y'all was in the corner

and y'all thought
to put y'all selves

in the two most challenging
places in this roast?

All right, bitch.

Hey, listen,
if you wanna do it,

you wanna put it on yourself,
hey, have at it, honey,

'cause it ain't me.

So do it, honey.

We're having ourselves a roast.

Werk, babies.

The L.A. ho's
need to represent.

We do.

I do not wanna fucking roast.

I do not wanna roast.

I know. Literally saying that
was my exact thought process.

But here we are,
and now we have to make it work.

I'm a little nervous
about myself.

The only roasts I've seen

are the ones
in my mama's crockpot,

so this is a new experience.

I know there are girls here

who are, like,
just naturally funnier.

I must deliver.

This is definitely gonna be
a challenge for me,

because I definitely think
I have a problem

with being too, like,
sweet with things.

Really? Sweet?
Have you ever been sweet?

I think I'm gonna end up
doing well.

I think I'm gonna do well.

It's not my thing, but who's
to say what's my thing?

-[laughs]
-Get it!

I'm very confident

that you're gonna do very well
in this challenge.

I think I'm the most worried
about Olivia in this challenge.

She is so delightful,

but you need to be savage
in a roast.

[both laugh]
Nina's shoulders so wide...

[whispering]

[laughs]

Oh, that's good!

[Rosé laughs]

Okay.

I'm just reciting over
this lovely material.

Oh, I cannot wait, my love.

Baby, give yourself life.

Oh, I need a can of Liv(e)
from Olivia.

You'll be in the bottom.

I was safe.

You would know.

You would also know,
the one that has the most safe.

Most safe?
You mean most top?

I mean, you could
be in the bottom

or in the top all you want.

Neither of you are gonna win.

Kandy, let's not focus
on winning

until you can win something,
baby, okay?

[all laugh]
Excuse me.

I won two mini-challenges.

Baby, that's the only thing
mini about you, baby, okay?

[all laugh]

-Wow.
-You are quick, bitch.

Yeah, she gonna
be quick to exit.

[all laugh]

I'm a little bit nervous,

because I've done
a roast before,

and it wasn't so great.

But I love reading
these bitches,

so I'm ready to do this roast,

and I'm ready to finally win
a fucking maxi-challenge, okay?

-Hi!
-Hey, Kandy girl.

It is time to meet
with the comedy coaches,

Miss Michelle Visage
and Loni Love.

Are you ready to roast?

I'm ready to do something.

[both laugh]
Let's do this!

Give it to me.

Aah! Okay.

So for Valentina,

I was gonna say something
along these lines.

Like, well, I think
it's pretty funny

that we're doing a roast
for the Miss Congeniality,

seeing that we have
a Miss Cunt-geniality

with us here tonight.

Right.

Is that too harsh?

It's not too harsh.

I just don't know
if the TV land people

are gonna let
the word "cunt".

Hence "charisma, uniqueness,
nerve, and talent."

Probably not, right?

And you don't wanna be bleeped
your whole thing.

Right, right, right, right.

Also, make sure we hear those.

Make sure we understand
what you're saying.

I'm trying so hard
to enunciate my words,

because sometimes, you know,

my little Bronx accent
comes out, bitch,

and I'm talking so fast

you can't understand
what the fuck I'm saying.

But just slow it down
so we can hear it.

Okay, okay.

-Hi!
-Hey, Gottmik.

-Are you ready to roast?
-No.

It was actually the number one
challenge going into this.

I was like, if they
have me roast, I'm gonna die.

All right. Well, I'm ready
to see what you got.

Okay.

Love.

This is gonna be me onstage,
going through the roast.

I know.
Where is it, Gottmik?

So maybe we start...

Start with the honorees.

Yeah, let's start
with the honorees.

I have one that's kind of
Kandy and Valentina,

so I was gonna
kind of go to Kandy,

and be, like, Kandy Muse...

Mm-hmm.

Kandy, girl, you've
lip synced more times

than Valentina has attempted
to block the words "Rent Live"

on social media.

[laughs]

-Okay.
-That's funny.

-That's funny.
-That's hilarious!

Okay. Good to know.

Let's hear what else you have.

So I wanna say something like,

we don't all have
our brand given to us

the day we were born.

Michelle popped out
and the doctor smacked her ass

to see if she was alive,

and the word "whore"
just popped right out.

That's cute.
You got some good stuff.

What we don't wanna hear
is, "um, okay,"

"because what I was gonna say."

-We don't want that.
-No.

Because if you think
it's not funny

and you kind of apologize
when you deliver it,

it won't be funny.

No.

-Olivia Lux!
-What up?

How are you today?

I'm not gonna lie.
I'm a little nervous today.

I think sometimes
I am a little, like, too nice.

Yeah. We all know
how nice you are.

That's what
we fall in love with,

your smile and your curly hair
and your sassy attitude.

So I think if you could
surprise the crap out of us

with some hard-hitting jokes,
it would be really fab.

Okay, let's do it.

Nina West wanted to be on
Drag Race so bad

she auditioned 28 times,

and there's only been
13 seasons.

Okay.

Valentina spends over six hours
doing her face,

two of which are her looking
at herself in the mirror,

singing
I Will Always Love You,

but still, six hours.

All I hear is crickets.
I'm, like...

Give me one for Loni.

I wanna talk about
your engineering degree.

-But is that funny?
-Um...

Okay. Tough audience.

We know you could do cute,
so we just need more.

You can use that cuteness
to, you know, eh, stab 'em.

You could, you know, shank 'em.

-We need more funny.
-Believe in yourself.

After this rehearsal,
I got a lot of work to do.

"Molly, you in danger, girl."

Very much so.

Rosé! So why don't we start
with the honorees?

Nina West is here,
which is no surprise,

seeing as Nina
could be sitting in Texas

while her shoulders
are in Arkansas and Louisiana.

[both laugh]

Nina West's shoulders
are so wide

that she makes Tina Burner
look like Valentina.

[both laugh]

Heidi's actually
really, really thirsty.

My boyfriend
actually at one point

had to send her
a cease-and-desist.

-Ooh!
-Yeah.

It wasn't nearly as complicated

as when her makeup brushes
sent her a restraining order.

[laughs]
Oh, my goodness.

And that's about as far
as I've gotten in my flow.

Really good.
Find a way to shorten that.

-Sure.
-Because it's so funny.

Your punches are so punchy
and good and hard.

Yeah, you seem
really prepared, Rosé.

I can't wait to see it.

Okay, well, thank you so much.

It's gonna be a good show.

Cheers. After the coaching,
I'm feeling really confident,

and it feels great.

Look at me. I'm holding
the microphone right now. Damn.

-Hey, hey, Symone-yay.
-Hey, y'all.

Are you ready to roast,
babydoll?

I'm a little nervous to do it,

'cause I've never done
a roast before.

-Take it as far as you can.
-Okay.

If it's not funny,
we'll tell you.

All right,
I'm gonna start with Nina.

I'm so happy you could
join us tonight.

You know, I know that the bridge
has been a little, you know--

less people been walking
across in these hard times.

But now that
you're here with us,

I guess it's you're welcome.

-Explain that.
-Troll under the bridge.

Oh! Okay. Wait, we're gonna
have to explain that,

so I would lose that.

-Lose that one?
-Yeah.

Let's hear what else you got.

Thank you, Kandy, for that
marvelous introduction.

It's from Hocus Pocus.
It's my favorite movie.

Oh, okay. Great.

But tell me something,
my love.

When you were standing alone
in the back of the stage

looking at all the girls
who've won a challenge,

did it remind you of being
in VIP or alone in VIP?

Because it was the, um,
the meme--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-I think you're an overthinker.
-Yes.

When you're thinking about this,
and it's a meme,

and it's a movie,
you don't need that.

Always better to go
right for the jugular.

Go right to it, yeah.

Because it was, like, long.

-You just wanna hit 'em.
-Yeah.

Be Symone. Use that character
to tell your joke.

Okay.

-Hey!
-Hey, Utica!

[both laugh]

Are you excited?

-I am excited, yes.
-Okay.

I know
you're gentle by nature.

Do you think you can
roast these beasts?

Underneath, I think there is

a bubbling evil exterior--
uh, interior.

Good. Fantastic.

So, RuPaul,
you have been bonkers

over Symone
in this competition.

You know, I think you both could
make a really good couple.

You know, Symone and Pumbaa.

Pumbaa? Pumbaa,
you know, like, Lion King.

What? [laughs]

It's not a funny joke, Utica.

Have you seen Lion King?

Yes! I have children, Utica!

You sure do look like it.

Let's hear what you got
for Nina.

All right, Nina West.

[howls and growls]

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
you could speak whale.

You like that, Loni?
Can you speak whale, too?

Very mean. Very, very mean.

I wouldn't do this.

That could be very offensive.

Does that trigger you?

Does it?
Whales? Manatees?

Does Dumbo
ring a bell to you?

No, I'm just kidding.

Wow.

[laughs]

It's harsh.

Even though it's a roast,
it still has to be funny.

Just mean doesn't work,
you know what I mean?

My taste level
when it comes to humor

is I love
when it's just accurate.

Like, I love, like,
really good observations

and just a little bit
of truth to it.

Just think it through

of what is funny
and what is mean.

Mean never works.

Yeah.

Okay, Utica, you got
some work to do,

so we're gonna release you
to go get to it.

-Thank you.
-Good luck, Utica.

-Bye now.
-That's gonna be complicated.

Yeah.

Eew.

[laughs]

-Cronk.
-How'd it go?

Utica.

I made a Lion King joke,

and Michelle was like,
"I don't get it."

It was so funny.

Michelle was looking
at Loni like,

"What the fuck's happening?
What's happening?"

But, no, it was
a really good time.

Oh, so you feel the same way

you felt during Snatch Game
and your commercial?

[all laugh]

Utica's biggest weakness
right now

is that Utica does not agree

with anything the judges
have been telling her.

She thinks that her art
is just the peak of life.

♪ I'm a dumb bitch ♪

I think I'm gonna do really well
in this challenge.

I have some pretty strong jokes,

and this is gonna be
authentically me,

and I'm ready to make
this roast a blast.

-Whoo-hoo!
-Let's get this roast a-cookin'!

Roast day, bitch!

We are back in the werkroom,
and it is time to roast, baby.

Who's hungry for a roast?

[laughs]

I am feeling better
than I did yesterday.

However, you can prepare
as much as you want,

but when the lights, the camera,
the action come on,

it is anyone's game.

Yo, and it's gonna go past
really quick,

because there's
only fucking six of us.

Which could be
a very good thing for us

or a very bad thing for us.

Baby, it's gonna be
a bad one for you.

Huh?

-Uh-oh, shots fired.
-[laughs]

The roast is absolutely
not anyone's game.

There are stronger roasters
in here than others.

I know that the strong points

are gonna be Kandy,
Gottmik, and myself.

Baby, I'm about to look
like a fucking woman today.

I can't wait to see it.

Oh, baby, you've seen it
all season long.

-Have we?
-Y'all look like drag queens.

[laughs]

And you look like a man.

[all laugh]

I'm ready to wear this hair,
honey.

Oh, baby.

Come on, lace!

-Come on, lace!
-Ooh!

If y'all don't roast Olivia

about her damn lace
on that damn wig

with them ponytails
sticking out of her head,

you deserve to go home today.

But you still won that week.

Bitch.

My plan in going
into today's roast

is basically to shock the judges

even more than a girl that
you expect is gonna do well.

I definitely came into it
terrified of the roast.

But I definitely feel like
I found my rhythm,

and I'm feeling like
I finally got the comedy voice

that I've been looking for,
so I'm excited.

Werk.

-Utica, how are you feeling?
-I think my jokes are fun,

and I'm confident that
I'm gonna do well in this.

I feel like,
well, if I have fun,

like, they're gonna
have fun with me.

I don't know about her material
for this roast.

I've heard a couple of jokes,

she's been a little off lately,

so I'm not sure
what to expect,

and she's still, like,
grinning from ear to ear,

can't wait to roast the dolls.

I'm hoping that she doesn't
turn it up too hot.

Has anyone, like, had a moment

where comedy got them through,
like, a hard time?

Well, have you?

Yeah, in a way.

Like, being drag
just brings a lot of joy

and fun and comedy into my life,

and it's definitely lightened
my self-imposed load,

if I would say,
on myself.

Ooh!
[all laugh]

Y'all nasty and y'all need help.

I definitely think comedy

gets me through
a lot of things in life.

I think I use humor sometimes

as a way of coping with things
that really hurt me,

and I think that that's why now
I love making people laugh.

It is my greatest joy on this
Earth in this little body to--

-Little?
-Thank you.

To make people laugh.

Nothing makes me feel
more complete

than to bring people joy

and to hear the tangible
laughter that comes with that.

Agreed.

Especially as queer folks
and PoC queer folks,

it can be a definitely
a difficult time

in the outside world,

and it's the small moments
at bars

that we have with one another,

laughing and talking
over a drink and a drag show,

that really make our bonds
so special.

-Mm-hmm.
-Or sometimes just a drink,

because the drag show
fucking sucks.

[all laugh]

Yeah, we've been
to your shows on Monday.

Aah!

Oh, she's a comedy queen!

We'll see.

Not all of us

can be a self-proclaimed
comedy queen like Rosé.

Baby, the reviews have been in
for years, honey.

Years? It sounds like

a lot longer
than I've been doing drag.

It sure does. Thank you
for reading yourself.

[all laugh]

The pressure's on.

The pressure cooker
has been turnt up,

and we just gonna have to see
who's gonna be fully cooked

or if it's just fucking roasted,
my love.

[RuPaul laughs]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

And what?

Welcome to the main stage
of RuPaul's Drag Race.

She's sugar and spice
and occasionally nice,

Michelle Visage.

You know what, Ru?
Thank you for noticing.

-[laughs]
-Thank you.

The hilarious Ross Mathews.

Ross, do you like being
the butt of the joke?

Ooh, that sounds fun.
I'd like to try that.

[all laugh]

Everybody say Loni Love!

Now, Loni, can you take a joke?

Only if I can have
that outfit, girlfriend.

[all laugh]

This week
we challenged our queens

to show off their comedy chops
at our Nice Girls Roast.

Racers, start your engines,

and may the best drag queen win.

Welcome to the first-ever
Nice Girls Roast.

Please welcome Miss Congeniality
Season 11, Nina West.

Hey, that's me!
[applause]

[farts]

Miss Congeniality
Season 9, Valentina.

[all laugh]

¡Escandalosa!

-Hi.
-[all laugh]

And our reigning
Miss Congeniality,

Heidi N Closet.

Whoo!
[applause]

[all laugh]

Now, what shady thing

could you possibly have to say
about these angels?

Mm.

Let the roast begin.

Hey, y'all!

[cheers and applause]

Ooh, bitch, don't I look
gorgeous tonight, huh?

Y'all, my name is Kandy Muse,
and I ain't a nice girl.

I'm a naughty girl, ooh.

Oh!

Listen up, bitch.

Welcome
to the Nice Girls Roast, bitch.

Tonight we have
the privilege and honor

of roasting our amazing
Miss Congenialities.

[cheering]

Ain't no audience tonight.

Mm-mmm.

Michelle, don't that
kind of remind you

of your old concerts
from back in the day?

Oh!
[all laugh]

First up,
the incredible Valentina.

Hello.

You know, you and my drag mother

have so much history together.

But she got
one thing correct, baby.

You're perfect,
you're beautiful,

that performance in Rent Live
was rough, bitch.

[all laugh]

Your angel needed an angel.

[all laugh]

Hello, Miss Nina West!

Hi!

You make my good Judy
Miss Tina Burner

look like such a petite woman

with those big-ass shoulders
you got, bitch. Whoo!

I know that Drag Race
is the Olympics of drag,

and, baby, you the stadium.

[all laugh]

How can I forget our sweetheart,
Miss Heidi N Closet?

I don't know what's worse,
your fashion on Season 12...

Ooh, no, baby, ain't
nothin' worse than that.

[all laugh]

All right.

Hello, judges!

-Hi!
-Hi, Kandy!

I don't know what's scarier,

waiting for my test results
at the clinic

or waiting for a critique
from the judges.

I know at least one of them
will come out positive.

[all laugh]

How could I forget about

our amazing special guest
judge Miss Loni Love?

Hey, Kandy.

How does being
an extra on Soul Plane

land you this big-ass gig
on RuPaul's Drag Race?

[all laugh]

Hey, Ru!

Hi!

Y'all, RuPaul is so old,

Jurassic Park
brought back memories.

[all laugh]

RuPaul's so old,
I told her to act her own age,

bitch, she died.

[all laugh]

[applause]

Miss Kandy Muse
from the Haus of Aja.

Her little daughter that came
out
her... [tongue pop]

to make fun of me,

and the bitch did a good job.

And then Latinas
are in the house. Hey!

If you enjoyed my set,
thank you so much.

If you didn't enjoy it,

you're definitely not gonna
enjoy the next bitch after me.

[all laugh]

She is a fashionista

with the voice
of a fucking gargoyle.

Give it up for
Miss Symone-Symone-yay!

[cheers and applause]

Kandy Muse,

thank you for that
marvelous introduction.

Now, I do have
a question for you.

Last week,
when you were standing

in the back of the stage

looking at all the girls

who've won a challenge
in front of you...

[all laugh]

Did it remind you
of standing alone in the VIP?

Oh, goodness, gracious.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

But speaking of losers,

we have our esteemed panel
of congenialities here tonight.

We have Miss Valentina.

We gotta talk about
that controversy.

Oh, yes, mm-hmm.

You didn't know them words
to that lip sync.

No.

You let that happen.

Uh.

[tongue pop]

Symone is bombing.

It's like time stops.

Time is stopping right now.

Miss Loni Love.

Hey, Symone!

Hey!

Now, you is an author,
an actress, a TV host,

and you're a former
electrical engineer.

But then you somehow
were so good at it,

you engineered your ass
onto this judging panel.

Oh, God.

-Miss Ross "The Boss" Mathews.
-Hi.

The gayest one on this panel.

Thank you.

And that gets me,

because you sitting
next to a man in a wig

that's been pulled,
plucked, and prodded...

And, no, that's not you,
Miss RuPaul, okay?

I'm talking about Michelle.

[all laugh]

Now on to my girls.

Oh-livia. Now, I told you

that you remind me of the girls
back home, and that's poor.

But...

Heidi's here tonight,

so you have one thing to know:

that you are not
destitute, okay?

Oh, my!

Symone is gorgeous.

I just wish her jokes
were as good as she looks.

[laughs]

I can't even spell that.

I guess it's time
to bring up our next queen,

straight from
the Minnesota Institute

for the Criminally Insane,

give it up for Utica Queen.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, Symone,
I thought I was the one

who had the balls
to bomb that hard.

[all laugh]

Great job, Symone.

The judges love you so much
in this competition,

especially Ross.

You know, Ross and Symone,

I think you guys
would make a great couple.

Symone and Pumbaa.

[scattered laughter]

Hakuna matata!

Ross, you know I love you.

You are so gay that you
don't shit on the dick,

you skittles on the dick.

Ooh.

You're so gay
they should, uh, uh--

they should make
the whole--ooh.

They should take
Celebrity Big Brother

and make it Celebrity
Big Brother with Benefits.

This is hilarious, and not
hilarious because it's funny,

but hilarious
because this bitch

is just bombing
all of her jokes.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now that, you know, I got
my balls out of the way

and I'm bombing, I'm bombing,
I know, I know.

Nina West.

Oh, yes!

[howls and groans]

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you could speak whale.

Heidi, you really remind me

of the people I grew up with
on the farm:

gap-toothed
and full of bull semen.

Oh!
[scattered laughter]

Girl, huh?

Valentina, you are
such a beautiful sista,

but you have this diva attitude
that's really hard to swallow.

I do.

It's just as hard to swallow

as Loni Love's comedy career.

-Oh!
-[Loni laughs]

You're the one bombing!

[all laugh]

No!

I love it!

You like that?
You like that, RuPaul?

I mean, RuPaul,
you are such a fashion icon.

If you could stand up
for us, please?

[all laugh]

Utica tanked the roast
really hard.

I don't even know
how you crawl out of that.

And now it's time to bring up
the amazing Gottmik.

She's so small, her shoe size
is the same as her IQ: six.

Give it up for Gottmik!

-Jesus Christ.
-Molly, you in danger, girl.

There's definitely tension,

and it's my turn,
and I'm scared.

Good night, good night.

Welcome back
to the Nice Girls Roast.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Wow. How will I ever
follow that one up?

[all laugh]

Ooh.

After your set, I really realize

that it's so fitting

that your name begins
with the letters name U-T-I,

because you make me
extremely uncomfortable

and I feel like I need
a full bottle of pills

to forget about you.

[all laugh]

Heidi N Closet.

Hi, my love.
How are you tonight?

You lip synced more times
than our angel here, Valentina,

has attempted to block
the words Rent Live

on social media.

[all laugh]

But moving on to our judges,
hi, you guys.

Hi!

Loni Love, I just cannot believe
I am standing up here

presenting my comedy
in front of you.

I knew there was gonna be
budget cuts this season,

but I didn't know it was gonna
affect the judges' panel, too!

[all laugh]

-Hi, Ru.
-Hi-ee!

-How are you?
-Good.

I am such a huge fan
of you and your work

and all of your hit song.

[all laugh]

Hi, Ross.

Hi!

I love you so much,

and you are the only person
I have ever met

that watches porn

and cums when
the pizza gets delivered.

[all laugh]

What is up with that? Oh!

You got a point.

Well, did you guys
have fun with my set?

[applause]
Yes, all right.

Well, hopefully my laughs

will get you through
the awkward silences

on the next bitch's set. Yeah.

So give it up for Olivia Lux!

[cheers and applause]

This is so fun.
Thanks, gorg!

Yes.

I know--I know
what you're thinking:

the polite queen roasting.

I didn't come here
just to be Miss Congeniality.

You see where that gets you.

[all laugh]
I came here to win,

something Kandy Muse has yet
to do in a maxi-challenge.

[laughs]

All right, the judges.

Hi, judges.

Hi-ee.

Mama Ru.

Mama Ru,
the patient zero of drag queens.

[all laugh]

Mama Ru is so old,

her first drag name
was in hieroglyphics.

[scattered laughter]

Mama Ru is so old,

she signed the Declaration
of Independence

as parent/guardian.

[all laugh]

Nina West.

Nina West wanted
to be on Drag Race so bad

there's only been 13 seasons,

and somehow she managed
to audition 38 times.

[laughs]

Valentina.

I noticed Valentina's eyebrows
are like tally marks:

one, two, three, four,
five, um, six, um...

It's like she's counting

how many times
I've been in the bottom.

One, two, three, four...

-Oh.
-Whoa.

Well, look at your brows, girl.

[all laugh]

Well, thank you, everyone,

and if you didn't like my set,
my name's Michelle Visage.

[scattered laughter]
All right.

The next queen,
she's wearing silver tonight

because in our lip sync,
she came in second place.

[laughs]

I sent her home once,
and I can't wait to do it again.

Let's give it up for Rosé.

[cheers and applause]

Everyone listen,
my name is Rosé,

and before I get started,
I do want us all

to give one more massive round
of applause for Miss Olivia Lux,

who, after what
we just experienced,

will now forever go
by the name Olivia Sux.

[all laugh]

Valentina, I can't believe I'm
standing on this stage with you.

I credit a lot of my love
for polish and perfection today

to watching Valentina
while Season 9 was airing.

And coincidentally,
during All Stars 4,

I too realized that I am
completely fucking delusional.

Yes!

Nina West is here, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Nina West's shoulders
are so wide

that in high school, she
auditioned for the school play

and got the part of the stage.

[all laugh]

Now, Heidi and I
are actually friends.

Heidi and I got to know each
other last year in New York.

We've hung out a few times,
and how you doing, Heidi?

-Blessed and highly favored as--
-Okay, great.

So we've been talking
for about 10 seconds.

This is the longest on record

that Heidi has ever waited
before trying to fuck me.

-Ooh!
-Oh, girl!

-Heidi, is it true?
-Lies!

-No, it's not lies, baby.
-Lies!

The only thing that is
thirstier than Heidi N Closet

are her makeup brushes, okay?

[all laugh]

Yes, oh, RuPaul,
you always look beautiful,

and I'm really proud to announce

that it's not the only thing
that we share in common.

I want you all to know
that Ru and I

are both actively working
in the music industry.

One of us
is a recording artist

and one is a singer.

[all laugh]

All right, everybody, well,
listen, I've had a great time.

But before I leave, I want
to leave you with some words.

Well, actually,
it's for you, Kandy.

Kandy, I'm really proud of you

for what you've done
this season,

but mostly for tonight,

because I know
it takes tremendous courage

to show up to a roast
when you are a roast.

Thank you, I'm Rosé.
Have a wonderful night.

[cheers and applause]

Let's hear from
our guests of honor.

Any final words?

[applause]
Y'all so kind, so kind to me.

Thank you so much.

Being the current reigning
Miss Congeniality,

I want to say this
as nice as possible,

and it comes deep
from my heart, okay?

Fuck you, fuck you,

fuck you, and--

Not you,
you got the checks.

And fuck you!

[all laugh]

I'm actually here tonight

to return the title
of Miss Congeniality.

I tried it for a year,
but I'm too much of a diva,

so I'll take Miss French
Vanilla Fan Favorite Fantasy.

[all laugh]

Kandy Muse is here,

Kandy Muse
from the Bronx...Zoo.

[all laugh]

Remember this, guys:
go big, be kind,

and if you're nice,

you could actually end up
on stage with these beasts.

Thanks for having us.

[cheers and applause]

Welcome, queens.

It's time for
the judges' critiques,

starting with Kandy Muse.

You started the roast tonight,
and that's a tough position,

but you set the bar tonight.

Bitch, she died.

I compared everyone after you
to you.

You were so funny,
and you felt, like, in the zone.

I laughed from the beginning
to the end.

We were howling over here,
and that's what it's about.

You had the energy,
the confidence.

You were
my Don Rickles tonight.

You look great.

I live for this
extremely cinched moment.

I would have liked
a little bit more hair maybe

on top of your head.

But your roast was so good

that you deserve praise
for that.

Well done, Kandy.

Thank you.

All right, up next, Symone.
You look gorgeous.

Thank you. [laughs]

Symone, you have been so funny
in so many challenges,

so I was really
looking forward to seeing you.

And you did have
some funny lines in there.

It was the setup
and the punch.

It just never fully took off.

When we were talking to you,
Michelle and I,

we said to shorten your jokes
a little bit.

Just remember,
short is sweet is better.

You were overthinking it,

your cards
were getting in the way,

one thing led to another,
and it just became a spiral.

I know exactly what I want,

I know exactly
how I want to execute it,

and when it doesn't go that way,

I kind of shut down
a little bit.

I have bombed many a day,

and believe me,
I just hang in there.

All right, thanks.

Thank you.

Up next, Utica Queen.

I was very interested to see
how you would do roast,

because you're all about joy
and positivity, and you went in.

In a roast,
nothing is off limits

as long as it's funny.

And I felt like some of these
were just observations

and kind of harsh.

When you came out, that first
joke was very, very funny.

Balls to bomb that hard.

But once you lost your footing
a little bit,

we could tell that your go-to

is to get a little mean
to save it.

And you wanna try
not to be mean,

but cut and funny.

-Yeah.
-It's a fine line.

That's what Loni and I
were trying to tell you.

I'm still learning what
is comedy and what is offensive.

When it got off the rails,

I started, like,
grasping for straws

and trying to save myself.

Maybe not your comfort zone.

A big swing, a bit of a miss.

I'll tell you this.

This might be my favorite look
you've done all season.

-I really love it.
-Thank you.

It's so gorgeous, it's so
Upper East Side society lady.

I wish I could say
the same about yours.

Fuck you.

[all laugh]

If I'm gonna take anything
from this competition,

it's that I got two sets
of middle fingers from you,

so thank you.

I gave you this, too.

[all laugh]

This is the nastiest
hand gesture ever.

-Ever.
-Bonus!

It means "I love you."
[all laugh]

All right, up next, Gottmik.

Out of everyone that we coached
yesterday, Michelle and I,

you listened, and it paid off.

I thought it was really strong.

Your joke about me was
my favorite about me tonight.

You cum when the pizza
gets delivered.

I feel seen, Gottmik!

There's a reason why
my sorority name

was Meat Lover's Supreme,
all right?

The way you delivered
some of the jokes

were very Phyllis Diller.

I think you have a future
in stand-up. I really do.

Oh, my gosh, thanks.

Coming in here,
this was the one thing

that I was, like,
I do not want to do a roast.

I was, like, absolutely not.

I feel like I have found

this gorgeous little way
to read people

that I didn't know I could do.

It is the 'mones.
They get me going.

[all laugh]

Yeah, blame it on the 'mones.

Yes, if I had a nickel...

I'd have one nickel.

[all laugh]

Okay, thank you.

Up next, Olivia Lux.

You know, from day one

I've just been obsessed
with how likable you are.

That is a tough thing to be
in a roast.

I thought you did have
some jokes that landed,

but I don't think
it fully worked.

You know,
when you came on stage,

even the little walk
that you did

felt kind of like an apology.

It was almost like a disclaimer.

I definitely knew that I had

this, like, sweet,
you know, character.

I like the idea of, like,
turning it all the way up

and then killing them
with kindness

and being, like, she said that?

But in such a sweet way.

You felt that you fulfilled
the challenge?

I feel as though
I fulfilled the challenge.

Hmm.

-All right, thanks.
-Thank you.

All right, straight from
First Avenue in Minneapolis

after a headlining set
with Sheila E

and the New Power Generation,
it is Rosé.

I love that outfit.
It's a really fun look.

Thank you.

You came out tonight,
and you owned it.

I think you executed it
beautifully,

and you were the only one
without cards,

so you deserve credit for that.

It was a great set,
and you had to close the show,

which is the hardest thing
to do.

Rosé, you were
my Joan Rivers tonight.

Olivia Sux.

Your transitions were so smooth.

But during rehearsal,
you were better.

When I first started
doing stand-up, you know,

I would have to do
two shows a night.

So I'd do my first show,
and if I killed,

the second show
was always different.

Just remember to never
take anything for granted.

And what I also think
is that you have everything.

You have the total package.

You are ready
to just keep performing.

Good job.

Thank you, Loni.

Thank you, ladies.
I think we've heard enough.

While you untuck backstage,

the judges and I
will deliberate.

Okay, just between us
squirrel friends,

what do you think,
starting with Kandy Muse?

Oh, oh, oh, our Kandy Muse
knocked it out the park, son!

[all laugh]

Kandy gave us that
old school corner club vibe.

I loved it. I felt like
I was right back there in 1975.

Tonight was fantastic.

She set the bar from
the beginning of the roast,

and no other queen topped her.

I just am so proud of Kandy,
I could spit.

-Mm-hmm.
-But I won't.

[laughs]

Symone.

Tonight, for me, Symone
sort of fell on her face.

There were some jokes
hidden in there,

but she wasn't selling them.

Her setups were really long,

and then the punchlines
were cute,

but it took so long to get there

that you weren't even, like,
interested in laughing.

[laughs]

I do, however, wanna give her
credit for staying in character.

However, that character
really didn't help her

get through all of the losses

that she suffered
with those jokes.

This just wasn't her night.

I was happy to see her
leave the stage.

Utica Queen.

Boo!

[all laugh]

Boo!

When we were coaching her,
we were trying to help her.

And we were saying,
"Hey, don't be so mean."

She's gotta
find a way to listen.

Just wasn't funny tonight.

Moving on to Gottmik.

This one has the goods.

It felt easy watching her.

She felt like she
planted herself at a podium

and she, like,
delivered it to us.

You know, the best comics
are able to take the stage,

and within a few seconds
let the audience know

exactly the point of view
that they're coming from.

Yes. Her jokes were fire.
They were hitting.

She automatically knew
what she wanted to do.

I just wanted
to see more of her.

Olivia Lux.

She came out there
and said, I'm nice,

and I'm not used to doing this.

And we're like, girl,
snap out of it,

because you have to
get up there and roast.

And it could have been great,
because you know

like when Betty White
delivers a real zinger?

And you're like, oh,
that was so unexpected!

She could have had that moment.

She relied on just being cute

without delivering
the joke part.

There were a few.

The section with you was great.

Parent/guardian.

But that was it.

She is so likable
and so lovable

and watchable and sweet,

but it's starting
to be one-note.

Mm-hmm. All right, Rosé.

Rosé knows what she's doing
on stage.

She's got that presence
that just is so commanding,

that voice that's, "Hello!"

I wanna look at her,
I turn my head to see her,

and you can't deny she's meant
to be up on that stage.

I thought she nailed it tonight,

but she definitely
was funnier in rehearsal.

I think the silence of the room
threw her off.

And then she kicked it in,
and then it was a home run.

This girl is like Bianca.
She can do whatever--

Silence.

I've made my decision.

Bring back my queens.

Chop, chop.

Welcome back, ladies.

I've made some decisions.

Rosé. Tonight,
you were Sheila E-larious.

[all laugh]

You are safe.

Thank you.

You may step
to the back of the stage.

Symone. You were a vision
in 24 karat gold,

but your set
was tin roof rusted.

I'm sorry, my dear,
but you are up for elimination.

Kandy Muse.

You're right,
this is the Olympics of drag,

and tonight, you won the gold.

Con-drag-ulations.

You're the winner
of this week's challenge.

[cheers and applause]

Finally, bitch!

Werk!

You better werk, bitch.

You've won a cash tip of $5.000.

Yes, I won a challenge!

And, baby,
I am Miss Comedy Queen.

[laughs]

Gottmik.

Your roast was gorg.

[laughs]

You're safe.

Thank you, guys.
[applause]

Olivia Lux.

Tonight
you were consistent:

consistently one-note.

Utica.

You started off
with a bang,

but you ended up
shooting yourself in the foot.

Olivia Lux.

-You're safe.
-Thank you.

You may join the other girls.

Utica, I'm sorry, my dear,
but you are up for elimination.

I'm not surprised
that I'm in the bottom.

However, I'm excited
to lip sync again.

That's where I come alive.

So bring it on.

Two queens stand before me.

Ladies, this is your last chance
to impress me

and save yourself
from elimination.

The time has come...
[thunder]

for you to lip sync...

for your life.

She has sent two people home,
but this is my place here,

and I'm about to have
to fight to stay here.

Good luck,
and don't fuck it up.

♪ Right now,
I'm in a state of mind ♪

♪ I wanna be in,
like, all the time ♪

♪ Ain't got no tears
left to cry ♪

♪ So I'm pickin' it up,
pickin' it up ♪

♪ I'm lovin', I'm livin',
I'm pickin' it up ♪

♪ I'm pickin' it up,
pickin' it up ♪

♪ I'm lovin', I'm livin',
so we turnin' up ♪

♪ Yeah, we turnin' it up ♪

♪ Ain't got no tears
in my body ♪

♪ I ran out,
but, boy, I like it ♪

♪ I like it, I like it ♪

♪ Don't matter how,
what, where, who tries it ♪

♪ We out here vibin' ♪

♪ We vibin', we vibin' ♪

♪ Coming out ♪

♪ Even when it's raining down ♪

♪ Can't stop now ♪

♪ Can't stop,
so shut your mouth ♪

♪ Shut your mouth ♪

♪ And if you don't know,
then now you know it, babe ♪

♪ Know it, babe, yeah... ♪

Symone: I am just basking
in the words.

I'm really trying to
punch this song in the face

and really show the judges
I want to stay here.

♪ Ain't got no tears
left to cry ♪

I am 1.000%
determined to survive.

♪ Oh, I just want you
to come with me ♪

♪ We're on another mentality ♪

♪ Ain't got no tears
left to cry ♪

♪ So I'm pickin' it up,
pickin' it up ♪

♪ I'm lovin', I'm livin',
I'm pickin' it up ♪

♪ Comin' out ♪

♪ Even when it's rainin' down ♪

♪ Can't stop now ♪

♪ Mm, hush ♪

♪ Shut your mouth ♪

♪ Ain't got no tears
left to cry ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, I just want you
to come with me ♪

♪ We're on another mentality ♪

♪ Ain't got no tears
left to cry ♪

♪ So I'm pickin' it up,
pickin' it up ♪

♪ I'm lovin', I'm livin',
I'm pickin' it up ♪

♪ Mm-hmm, yeah,
we're turning it up ♪

[cheers and applause]

Ladies, I've made my decision.

Symone, shantay you stay.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Not again. Not again.

You may join the other girls.

Great job!

Syracuse, Schenectady, Utica,

next stop, the world.

Keep on wiggling, sis.

Thank you so much.

And Ru,
I have one thing to say.

[all laugh]

Thank you, really,
this has been magical,

and I love each
and every one of you.

You're amazing, so thank you.

Now sashay away.

[applause]

Utica Queen!

Well, when you think
you can't, Utican.

Love you guys. Bye!

As I am sashaying away,
I'm feeling honestly happy.

For my first roast, at least
I know I have potential.

And I know that I got
some good zingers in there.

I don't know,
maybe in the near future

I could become
an expert roaster.

So that makes me happy.

You gotta wiggle to the top.

Con-drag-ulations, ladies.

And remember,
if you can't love yourself,

how in the hell you gonna
love somebody else?

Can I get an "amen" up in here?

-Amen!
-Amen!

All right.
Now let the music play.

♪ I'm a winner ♪

♪ I'm a winner, baby ♪

♪ I'm a winner ♪

♪ I'm a winner, baby ♪

RuPaul: Next time
on RuPaul's Drag Race...

You'll all be starring

in Henny,
I Shrunk the Drag Queens!

[all laugh]

Hey, girls, how's it going?
It's Scarlett.

[all scream]

And action.

Jump!

[all scream]

Oh, ouch.

Ouch, ow.

You were so fun to direct.

This was, like, my wet dream.

This isn't enough
for the final five.

It feels like things are
just falling apart around me.

I don't wanna
disappoint anybody.

I don't want that
to be my story.

♪ I'm a winner ♪

♪ I'm a winner, baby ♪

♪ I'm a winner ♪

♪ I'm a winner, baby ♪

♪ I'm a winner ♪

♪ I'm a winner, baby ♪

♪ I'm a winner ♪

♪ I'm a winner, baby ♪

♪ Losers, weepers ♪

♪ I'm a winner, baby ♪

♪ Finders, keepers ♪

♪ I'm a winner, baby ♪

♪ Losers, weepers ♪

♪ I'm a winner, baby ♪