All language subtitles for Psych The Movie.en

[The Dandy Warhols'
"Little Drummer Boy"]

*

- * Come, they told me

* Pa-rum pum pum pum

*

* Our newborn King to see

* Pa-rum pum pum pum

*

* Our finest gifts to bring

* Pa-rum pum pum pum

[tense music]

*

- Buying or selling?

- Browsing.

Window shopping, if I'm
being completely honest.

I just started my Christmas
shopping today, okay?

Every year, I tell myself,
start in July,

do a little bit each month--

you'll be so happy when
the Yuletide rolls in.

And I know what
you're thinking:

tell us something about
the person you're shopping for.

Do they have hobbies,
interests,

fetishes...

allergies.

Well, here's the thing.

I am not entirely sure
I want the gift

to be stolen per se.

No offense.

See what I did there,
half-crackin'?

I said "fence"

'cause you're
the premiere fence

on the West Coast.

El Proveedor.

[train whistles in background]

Provedor?

May I call you...

Glenn?

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

- Who the hell wears a beard
over a beard?

- Who wears a beard-beard?

Overachievers.

That's who, Jack.

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

Hook-beak!

Double hook-beak.

Finger.

[exhales]

[guns cocking]

[tense music]

*

- Hey, whoa, no.

Easy, easy.

Down, down. Put it down.

Everyone. You. Put it down.

[The Ramones'
"Merry Christmas"]

- * Merry Christmas, I don't
want to fight tonight *

* Merry Christmas, I don't
want to fight tonight *

* Merry Christmas, I
don't want to fight tonight *

* With you

*

* Where is Santa
at his sleigh? *

* Tell me, why is it
always this way? *

* Where is Rudolph?
Where is Blitzen? *

* Baby, Merry Christmas

* Merry, merry,
merry Christmas *

* All the children
are tucked in their beds *

- [screams]

- * Sugar-plum fairies
dancing in their heads *

*

[gasps]

[groans]

- * I love you
and you love me *

- Oh, come on, let's go.

- * The way
it's got to be *

* I loved you
from the start *

* 'Cause Christmas
ain't the time *

* For breaking each other's
hearts *

* Where is Santa
at his sleigh? *

* Tell me, why is it
always this way? *

* Where is Rudolph?
Where is Blitzen? *

* Baby, Merry Christmas

* Merry, merry,
merry Christmas *

* All the children are
tucked in their beds *

* Sugar-plum fairies
dancing in their heads *

* Snowball fighting,
it's so exciting, baby *

[indistinct screaming]

- * Yeah, yeah, yeah

* I love you,
and you love me *

* And that's the way
it's got to be *

* I loved you
from the start *

* 'Cause Christmas ain't
the time for breaking *

* Each other's hearts

* Merry Christmas,
I don't want to fight *

* Tonight with you

- [panting]

Damn it.

[gasps]

Guys. Gentlemen.

Upon further review,
this is not my sack.

My sack is... much smaller.

So if you see my sack,

would you do me a favor
and, uh...

- The problem for me is
Neil deGrasse Tyson

gets as much wrong
as he gets right.

[crashing]

I mean, I just don't appreciate
being talked down to,

especially about astrophysics.

Hawking is in the ballpark.

He gets it half right.
He knows that.

Do we have a security person?

[suspenseful music]

*

- I'm gonna have to see
some ID--

Ugh!

*

- [grunts]

*

[gasps]

- I don't remember
giving you permission

to borrow my Hagrid costume,
Shawn.

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

- Gus, eyes forward.

These guys are armed.

- Taking cases
without me again?

- I have to take on cases
without you; you have a job.

- I gave the San Francisco
detective thing a chance.

- Eleven days, Gus.
We were here for eleven days

before you got
a full-time gig.

- Look, how many times
do we have to do this?

I need security.
Security!

- Hey, man. Is that sourdough?

- You know damn well
it's sourdough.

- Why don't you, uh, pass
half that sweet sandy

under the table?

- You must be out
of your damn mind.

- Well, then will you
at least do me a solid

and go pull the fire alarm?

- If I pull the fire alarm,

people will evacuate
the whole building.

- Yes, Gus.
That's what I'm counting on.

- Okay.

[crashing]

- Excuse me, sir.

You guys looking for a
transient with half a beard?

He pushed his way up
to our elevator

and broke my secret Santa gift.

Would you mind taking your
business outside?

- He's in the elevator?

- Probably in the lobby
by now.

[snaps fingers]
- Let's go.

[smooth music]

*

- Burton?

Can we have a word
in my office?

- Man...

[jaunty rock music]

*

- * In between the lines

* There's a lot of obscurity

* I'm not inclined to resign
to maturity *

* If it's all right

* Then you're all wrong

* But why bounce around
to the same damn song *

*

* You'd rather run when
you can't crawl *

*

* I know, you know

* That I'm not
telling the truth *

* I know, you know

* They just don't have
any proof *

* Embrace the deception

* Learn how to bend

* Your worst inhibitions

* Tend to psych you out
ih the end *

*

- * It's Christmastime again

*

* That magical time of year

*

- You do not want to know how
far I had to go to get this.

- No.
- And to add insult to injury,

they'd never even heard
of almond milk.

- What?!
- Any of the nut milks.

- Ugh.
- I know.

- What'd I miss?
- We got eight.

- Hey, that's a solid
day of work.

- Yeah. Let's just pack it in.

[light suspenseful music]

*

- Soft pass?

- Or nine.
I got one more.

- Copy.
Just don't go alone.

- She went alone.

Somebody cover her back.

Kidding.
I'm on it.

*

- Dude, you literally made

every obvious move
you could make.

I say this with disappointment,

because I was actually hoping
to get in some cardio today.

- [sniffling]
I'm so sorry, Juliet.

- What the hell are you doing?

- I can explain.
Please let me go.

[downbeat music]

*

- Go.

- He got away?

- Yep.

- So he was just...

transporting the goods from
the café to the alley here.

- I guess so.
- That's what it looks like.

- Yeah.

[dramatic music]

*

- I'm absolutely dazzled

by what you've done
with the place, Sammy.

Problem is, you were not
supposed to be home yet,

but I'm nothing if not
an improviser.

- Billy?

- Now let's be honest.

I've never really looked
like a Billy.

Call me the Duke.

- [laughs]

The Duke?

Is this, uh,

"Extreme Makeover:
Criminal Edition"?

Looks good on you, though.

Yeah.

Um, in all fairness, though,

there is something
you should know.

My partner's adamant
about home security.

- [giggles]

- [laughs]

- If we're going to do this,

then there's a fun fact you
should know about me, mate.

I no longer work alone.

- Billy...

Come on, there's no need
to escalate this.

We can talk this through.

- You know I hate negotiation,
Samuel.

[gunshots]
- [groans]

[doorbell chimes]

- O'Hara?
- Hi.

- Um, I have a difficult,
private matter

I need to talk to you about
outside of the office.

- Okay, sure.
Come on in.

- Thanks.

- Uh, just let me get Richard
off to the airport.

- Um... your husband's here?

- Well, yeah, why wouldn't
he be in our house?

- Oh, well, it's just in all
of the time I've known you,

I've never actually...

seen him.

- Really?

Oh, that's not right.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

- Just give me five minutes,

and we'll ride in together.

[light suspenseful music]

*

- Please don't tell her.

- What choice do I have?

You put me in
this position.

What the hell are
you doing, Iris?

- There are these girls.
They're awful.

But they offered me a chance
to be a part of them.

And I just had
to prove myself--

- You have to tell your mom.

- You know they want to make
her the police commissioner.

This will ruin everything.

- Okay. Here is what
you are going to do.

You are going to call me
every single day.

You are never to hang out
with those girls again,

and should you find yourself
being bullied,

you are going to text me
where you are,

and I will rain hell
on the guilty party.

Pinky swear?

- Oh, look at you two.

Best friends.
Slightly jealous.

Here.

You ready?
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- Chief...

you know that thing I was
gonna talk to you about?

Y-you have a lot on
your plate right now,

and it's really not
that important--

- Okay, just stop.

I think I know what
this is about,

and it is important.

- Oh, God, you do?
- Of course I do.

But, you know, maybe...

maybe marriage was never gonna
be the right choice for you.

- What?

- Oh, God, you know
I love Shawn.

And he is an extraordinary
person, but maybe

your goals and his goals were
just never gonna line up

in the end.

- [laughs]
Oh, no.

Um, no.
This is not about me.

- No, of course it's not, no.

It's about the both of you.

- Okay, we are really
misunderstanding each other

right now.

- Okay, but it's easy to notice

that you don't wear a ring.

- Look, I am in no rush.

- I just think the question is,

how long are you gonna wait?

I hope I'm wrong.

And I hope it's with Shawn.

- Mm.

[ringtone]

Sorry, yeah.

O'Hara.

- The man who stole from me

entered the boat
right behind you.

Tell me how you know him.

- I never seen him before.

I'm not foolish enough
to lie to you.

- Hey, El, we found something
on the beard.

- Find this man.

This Burton Guster.

[East Asian folk music]

*

- It looks amazing,
doesn't it?

[chuckles]
I just finished the addition.

I matched it exactly

with the 30th Anniversary
Blu-Ray.

- Of "Gremlins"?
- Cheers.

- Shawn, we are eight feet
underground

at the end of an alley
in Chinatown.

- Gus, don't be the comma
in Earth, Wind & Fire.

This is a glorious triumph,

especially considering all
the restrictions you gave me.

- Restrictions?
- Oh, let's see here:

cable car adjacent,

gotta be smelling distance
from Ghirardelli Square...

- That's half the city
with my nose.

And we both know the problem
is the name.

- You shut your drunk mouth.

That name is spun gold.

- It literally looks like
a bunch of letters

pushed together.

- psychphrancisco.

One word, all lowercase,
ph for the f.

What's not to understand, Gus?

- If we're gonna get
walk-up traffic,

we need a business name
that makes sense.

And we can't keep
making additions

until we get more cases.

- [laughs heartily] Gus.

I don't mean to talk
down to you,

but are you familiar
with the expression,

"you gotta spend money
to buy things"?

- That's not at all
how it goes,

and you haven't heard it
both ways. What--

- Immaterial, because we
already have a case.

A big one.
You should sit down.

- On what?
- The rickshaw.

Okay, listen.

Juliet's partner,
sweet Sam Sloane--

he's in the ICU.

He was attacked in
his own home last night.

He's barely hanging on, Gus.

We got to get down to
the hospital right away.

- Oh, man.
And the police asked for us?

- Since when do they
have to ask?

Gus, we show up, I do
a little of this.

Even less of that.
One of those.

The rest writes itself.

- Shawn, you know
I can't do that.

I have to make all
my holiday bonuses

just to keep this
money pit afloat.

- I figured you'd say
something like that.

Which is why I'm pitching this
to sweeten the pot:

as we drive across town,

we stop at every
single Cinnabon.

- I'm listening.

- We Pandora up
a Prince death tribute--

- Shawn, you know Prince
isn't really dead.

- And by the time we're
finished later tonight,

you're at the observatory

for the Starry Night
Telescope Viewing Party

on Mt. McCumber.

- That telescope party
is tonight.

- I hear it gets
wilder every year.

- Not possible, Shawn.

Not possible.

- We'll see about that,
won't we?

Oh, wow.

Sam has a lot of friends.

- Everyone's head's down.
That can't be a good sign.

- All right, everyone,
listen up.

- Uh-oh.
- Whoever did this

had Inspector Sloane's alarm
code, knew his schedule,

and shot him within a minute
of him entering his own house.

- I can't see anything.

- I see balloons over there.
He's probably--

- We should've brought
a cake or something.

- Is somebody here?

- Hello.
- Chief.

It's us, Chief.

- Yes.
- Uh, 'scuse us, guys.

I--I get it. It's unfair.

You were here first,
but it's just--

it's impossible to see
past you all,

'cause you're, like,

what are you feeding them?

- What are you doing here?

- Uh, we--uh, we just came
to pay our respects.

- Oh, that's very nice of you.

You done yet?

- I didn't realize there
was a time limit.

Please continue.

- Okay, the only thing
that we know

that they were able to take

was Inspector Sloane's dongle.

- Oh, my God!
- It's not what you think.

- It's exactly what
I think, Gus.

These people are monsters
and they must be stopped.

- A dongle is
a security device.

- Sure, for some people.

- You stick it into
your computer.

- Not my computer.
Not since high school.

Jules, back me up on this.

- Shawn, stop talking.
- All right.

- This particular device

allows an officer to access

his or her confidential
San Francisco PD files.

It's the only way that you
can get into the system.

- You knew this?

Okay. All right.

So this is different.

What you're saying
is a different thing.

My bad.
Please continue.

- Okay, Inspector Sloane's
dongle was right-angled

and purple.

- Ha, ha, ha.

- Oh, my God.

- Well, it's a little
silly, isn't it?

- A word?

Outside.

- Excuse us, guys.
Sorry.

- Hey, hon, what's up?

- Why are you here?
- To offer our services.

- He's here to offer
our services.

I'm about to go check out
some black holes.

- That was a bad
choice of words.

- Out of context,
I regretted it.

- Sweetheart, this is Sam,
okay? He's family.

We're all in this thing
together.

- Shawn, your offer is lovely,

but the answer is no,

and don't push me on this.

Go home, go now,

good-bye.

- Wow.
- What?

- Mm-mm-mm.

- Where the hell did
you get a waffle?

- Don't worry about it, Shawn.

- Dude, she's so hardcore.

- Shawn, she's dealing
with a lot.

You need to give her
some space.

Now, listen, tonight's moon
is a waxing gibbous

and Venus is in retrograde.

So we need to be at that
telescope before--

- Gus, I can't do this
with you right now.

Or ever, for that matter.

- Psst.

Guys. Over here.

- Nick Conforth?

- Why are you hiding?

- I don't like hospitals.

- Then why are you at one?

- In San Francisco, no less.

- I came to see Sam.

I was his instructor
at the Academy.

He was one of my best.
We're still close.

- So close that you're
hanging outside?

- Juliet kicked me out.

- Huh. Us too.

- Ah, that's not a coincidence.

Listen, I don't know how
to tell you this,

but she's hiding something.

- Juliet, my Juliet?
- Nick, you sound paranoid.

- Plus you're mixing horizontal
and vertical stripes.

- While hiding behind
a reindeer and a menorah.

- Hurts your credibility.

- It's theologically
incongruous.

- Look, Sam called me
yesterday.

He was adamant no one
could be trusted.

I said, what about
your partner?

He said, "Especially not her."

24 hours later, he's dead.

- No, no, he's not dead.

- Sorry. Survivor's remorse.

- If this has anything to do
with my girlfriend--

- Fiancé.
- Fiancé,

you have to tell me everything
you know, Nick.

- Sam said he kept getting
these calls

from the same burner number.

Something about
"the crimes of Juliet."

He'd narrowed it down
to a signal

that was pinged off of a tower
near Highway 18.

He was gonna check it out.

Next thing I know,
Sam's been killed.

- He's still breathing.
- Respirator.

- Yes, sorry.
That's on me.

Guys, you know I still
have my issues.

I crumble like pie crust
in the field.

I saw you coming in here
and I thought

maybe, hopefully, you could
check it out, since I can't.

- No chance in hell.
- Absolutely.

- Great. You guys are the best.

Go.
- What did I just say, Shawn?

- I don't know, something about
waxing Leeza Gibbons.

- Shawn, we've been walking
for an hour.

There's nothing around
for miles.

- Aha. What do you suppose
the range is

on that cell phone tower?

- There's nothing here
but woods, pollen,

and fruit bats.

- Ah, ah, ah, oh!
What's this?

Sunnyvale Mental Hospital.

- Uh, no. I'm not going to
another insane asylum, Shawn.

The sun is starting
to go down,

and all the good telescopes
are gonna be gone.

Dues are gonna be
doing eye-sneezes

all over the equipment.

- Man! All we have to do

is go to the front desk
and ask if there's a patient

with cell phone access.

That's it!
Then we're off to Mt. McCumber

where you can suck it.
- You suck it.

[together] * Suck it,
suck it, suck it *

* Come on, son

- The hell is an eye-sneeze?

- Don't act like
you don't know.

[together] * Come on, son

* Come on, son

* Come on, son

- This is not the road, Shawn.

- Well, it has to be the road,

because there are
no other roads.

[eerie music]

*

What?

- Dude.

It says this place has been
closed for two years.

- That's weird.
- Shawn,

we need to get out of here.

- Gus, don't be
the tender sweetness

of a seasick
crocodile.

We need...

to go in.

- [sighs]

[fluttering]

[cawing]

[animal noises continue]

- What is that?
I know you hear that.

What is that?

[chittering]

Oh, my God.

Are you playing Pokémon Go?

- You know this is how
I manage my stress.

I'm trying to hatch
a ten-kilometer egg

and I'm pretty sure there might
be a Jigglypuff in there.

- Stop it.
- You stop it.

- You stop it right now.
This is--

Gus, somebody tapped
into the power lines.

This used to be
the high-security ward.

That's why they built it
originally as a submarine.

- It was never a submarine,
Shawn.

- You don't know submarines.

- I know you don't know.
I know that.

[door creaking]

Bad idea, Shawn.
- What do we think?

- I say we slowly
start walking backwards

so we never take our eyes
off of whatever poltergeist

is making that glowing
over there,

and then, we'll be
out of the demon's reach.

We wind-sprint
back to the car.

I'll leave first because
my heart is the purest.

- It's definitely the blackest.

- My heart is not the--
- [moaning]

- Dude, that sound
is not human.

[scuffling]

- Agree to agree.

[snarling]

[both scream]

[barking, growling]

[door slams]

[snarling]
[both screaming]

- Shawn, I don't care what
that light is over there.

There's no way we're gonna get
past that snapping--

- [shrieks]

Gus, whatever got Sam attacked

is right around that corner.

And it's so serious that

the bad guys have a guard dog
on a pogo stick

holding down the fort.

I need you to put on
your thinking helmet.

- Man!
- I'll wait.

- [grunts]

- Chin strap.

- [grunts]

- You hear that?
- I don't hear anything, Shawn.

- Exactly.

The pooch is gone.

And there's no sign
of another human being.

The coast is clear.

[snarls]
[shrieks]

Damn it, Gus, is there
no end to this?

[growling]

[barking]

Gus, wait a minute.

That dog is a rescue.
- I don't care!

- It means the bad guys
who adopted him

trained him to be all ugly.

- I still don't care, Shawn.

- It means I can turn him.
- Into what?

- Rescue dogs don't
have ugly hearts.

- Shawn, there is no way
that dog doesn't eat your face.

- Guys, don't be the C above
middle C

in "Those Endearing
Young Charms."

I have seen three
and a half episodes

of "The Dog Whisperer."

- So?
- [hisses]

[hisses]
- What are you doing?

- I'm doing what he does.
- Why would he do that?

- Because it works.
- Will you stop it?

- You should take off
your helmet.

I'm pretty sure it's broken.

- [sighs]

- I got this.

[creaking]

[grunts]

[growling]

[door latches]

[snarls]

- Hi.
Hi, buddy.

Who's a good boy?
[hisses]

Who's a sweet boy?
[hisses]

Sit, sit.
[hisses]

[barking]

Gus, Gus!

I'm going to lose.

What the hell is that?

- Cherry Chipotle
Turkey Jerky.

- You've had that
the whole time?!

- You know I'm
a nervous eater, Shawn.

- Well, give it to me,
for the love of God!

- What? You do realize this
stuff costs $19 an ounce?

- I will pay you back!
- Come on, son.

Try not to give him
the whole thing

if you don't have to, Shawn.

- Look. Look what I have.

It's all for you, Damien.
- No.

Shawn! It's not all for him!

Aw, man.
- Gus, he likes it!

He likes it.
Come here.

Oh, come here. Oh.

Who has a heart full of love?

Did you like that jerky?

Oh, look, yeah.
Look at this, Gus.

Get in here.
Sweet little man.

Thought he was getting adopted
by a family with a house

and a big backyard,
and he ends up here

in some haunted, abandoned
mental asylum.

- And the next thing you know,
he's eating $56 worth

of organic jerky.

- He doesn't deserve
a life like this.

- I feel the same way
sometimes, Shawn.

This is a bad idea, Shawn.

[eerie music]

*

What the hell?

- Gus, whoever did this,

they have access
to the entirety

of the San Francisco
Police Department.

- Dude, Sam put his name
on his dongle.

- First time that hasn't
been funny to me.

- Eh...
- You're right.

It's not not-funny.

- This is not good, Shawn.

This is all of Juliet's
personal information.

Surveillance photos--
they're spying on her.

- You think she might be next?

This document is called
"The Crimes of Juliet O'Hara."

- Oh, my God.
- I know.

- That's a killer title
for a Hallmark movie.

- Gus, don't be ridiculous.

Jules would never do
a Hallmark movie.

"There's a demon
amongst you"?

"She must be judged."

What?

This manifesto basically
paints her

as Harvey Keitel
from "Cop Land."

- He had an above-ground pool,
Shawn.

- Exactly.
None of this is true.

[tense music]

*

- Anyone expecting a visitor?

Perimeter check, now.

Now!

When I say things,
I want you to do them.

That's why I'm the boss,

and you're my henchpeople.

*

- [growling]
Gus, I got to go back inside.

- What?
- I forgot something.

I'm not going back
alone, Shawn!

- I'll meet you at the car.
- What?!

Shawn!
- Just stick to the road.

Keep clear of the moors!
Beware of the moon, Gus!

Start the car!
Start the car!

Start the car! Start the car!

[engine revs]

- Oh, my God,
what are you doing, Shawn?

- I'm naming him Morrissey.
First name Steven.

- I'm not leaving with
that thing, Shawn.

- Fine. I'll drive.
- Wh--argh!

I got it! I got it!

[together]
Don't touch that wheel!

[together]
Don't touch your wheel!

- It's too late.
I already touched mine.

Ow!
- I know what I'm doing.

Let me--
[dog barking]

- Watch out.
- Hold the dog back, Shawn!

- You have a dog in the car.
Look, hands off.

Look what's happening now.

- I got it.
I know what to do, Shawn.

I know what to do.
I got it, Shawn. I got it.

- Are you familiar
with Einstein's

definition of insanity?

- The dog is blocking
my mirror, Shawn.

- Blocking--why are you
using a mirror?

It's pitch black out here.
- Your mama's pitch black.

- We both wish
that were true.

I don't know what
I mean by that.

- Here we go, here we go.
I got it, Shawn.

Bang it out, bang it out.

Come on, Gus,
just bang it out.

Bang it out, bang it out,
bang it out, bang it out.

Bang it out, bang it out,
bang it out.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You should have it on this one.

Okay, one more.
- Come on, come on.

- I can see it, the light
at the end of the tunnel!

- Death to the world!

- I'm glad you could find
a few moments to rest.

Did you find anything?

- I detected the scent
of black cherry,

with a slight hint of chipotle.

- We've been compromised.

So I'm gonna have to speed
things up a little.

And Christmas, my friends,
is about to come a bit early.

[ominous music]

*

[dog barking]
- [gasps]

- No, no, no, Chief!

Don't shoot him!
Don't shoot him!

He's a gift! He's a gift
for you and the family!

- Aww, Mr. Spencer?

What are you doing
at my house

with an attack dog in
the middle of the night?

- First of all, it's,
like, 9:00.

What time do you go
to bed, Chief?

More importantly,

we found Sam Sloane's
assailant.

He is at Sunnyvale
Psychiatric Hospital.

We saw him, or at least
his shadow,

and a couple other
scary shadows.

It was terrifying.
- Well, did he see you?

- Of course not. I'm like
a wraith in a London fog.

- What about when you went
back and stole his dog?

- You stole this dog?
- No. We liberated it.

We liberated Morrissey,
didn't we? Yes, we did.

And now he's yours.
Merry Christmas.

Do you have, like,
a crate or something,

just until he gets over
this whole

attacking strangers thing?

[barking]
[yelps]

- [hisses]

- Why didn't that work for me?

- 'Cause you're
a dumbass, Shawn.

- Did you call O'Hara?
- Of course.

I've been calling her
and texting her.

She's not responding
to anything.

Why do you think we're here?

- You said to gift me
an attack dog.

- Sure, but that's ancillary.

Are you coming with us or not?

- Yes, of course.

- Great. Now, would you
watch a movie of the week

called "The Crimes
of Juliet O'Hara"?

- It's right up here, Chief.

Right through this...

Spanish Prisoner'd again.

Chief, I swear.
You gotta believe us.

There was a whole bank
of monitors here,

and they all had access
to your department's files.

[door creaks]
- Dude, they're back.

Let's get out of here.

- Get out of here?
- Yes.

- Mr. Guster, this is
my first field action

in two years.

Do you have any idea what
the chief of police does?

- Yeah, they cut
ribbons and stuff.

- Exactly.

It's awful.

So, if you'll excuse me,

I am going to go
shoot some bad guys.

Come on.

- Dude, what is the five-second
rule on--

- Don't. Just don't.

[yelps]

[together] Freeze!

- O'Hara?
- Chief?

- What are you doing here?

- I came here to help
Shawn and Gus.

- Jules, we didn't
report this.

- No, but you ran over
45 traffic cones,

tripped four
silent gate alarms,

and knocked over
a Cal-Trans trailer

while you were
speeding away.

[together] He was driving.

- Okay, they believe that
Inspector Sloane

was attacked
because of you,

and that they found
some rambling manifesto

called "The Juliet
O'Hara Crimes."

- "The Crimes
of Juliet O'Hara."

It sounds like an NBC show
the way you say it.

- Where is this manifesto?

- It's gone.
- Jules,

I've been texting you
and calling you.

Where have you been?

- I asked you guys not
to meddle in this case.

Please, just go home.

You know what? No.
I am done being nice.

Go home!

Please. No. No please.

No please! [stammering]
You know what?

Just get out of here.
Go to your...

planetarium party.
- Fine with me.

There's a telescope with
my right eye's name on it.

- Yeah, fine.

Just be careful, huh?

Sweetheart.

Your right eye has a name?
- D'Ontario.

- What's the left eye?
- Lisa Lopes.

- Walked right into that.
- You need to tighten it up.

- Okay, what are the chances
that any of these dudes

know how a baby is made?

- [chuckles]
Hate all you want, Shawn.

But those who look
to the stars

are destined to find...

[upbeat music]

Oh, my gosh.
- Whoa.

Okay, once and for all,

please explain the thumb
to nostril thing to me.

- It's my battle cry, Shawn.

I'm gonna go over there
and make that woman mine.

It gives me the split second
I need to plan my approach.

- Sure.

- Wait... what is happening?

- I don't know.

It would appear that
she's coming this way.

- Well, that's not right.
Do you know her?

- Why would I know a woman

in a "Nine Planet Solar System"
T-shirt?

- Well, I don't know her,
Shawn,

and she's ruining my approach.

I am the hunter. Me.

Cheetahs don't wait
for gazelles

to hop into their mouth.

- Dude, I think you
might be the gazelle.

- He-dee-ho.
- Hello.

- My name is Burton Guster,

and this is my partner,
White Privilege.

- Eh, that's my bit.
- I'm Selene.

It means "moon."
Is that business card for me?

- You know it is.
Cell number's on the back.

In pencil.

- Wanna look?

- I was hoping you'd never ask.

- Well, that didn't
come out right.

- Chief, I'm a good cop.

- You're the best cop I have.

- I may have an idea
who did this,

but I am the only one
who can fix it.

I need to go it alone.

- The answer to that is no.

- I wish I could be more
forthcoming with you,

but Chief, I need you
to trust me.

Please.

- You have 24 hours.

- If Sam wakes up,
I'll only need 12.

I'm going to the hospital.

- That's where it would be,
planet number nine.

Obviously, if this telescope
were powerful enough.

- I hate to correct you,
but Pluto's way over there.

- Why would I be
pointing it at Pluto?

- 'Cause you're showing me
the ninth planet.

- Yes. I'm showing you Eris.

- Eris?

The dwarf planet?

[laughs]

Eris is stupid.

Pluto is, has been, and will
always be the ninth planet.

- Why would we make
Pluto a planet again?

We've already rectified
that mistake.

- "Mistake"?

Hasn't Pluto been through
enough already?

- Ohh...

- Eris is bigger.
- By 15 miles.

By your logic, why don't we
make everything a planet?

Why don't we make
that Nativity Jesus a planet?

- Why don't we make
your forehead a planet?

- What?

- * Merry Christmas,
merry Christmas *

* But I think I'll miss
this one this year *

- [gasps]

- * But I think I'll miss
this one this year *

* Merry Christmas,
merry Christmas *

- [panting]

- Did I read that
situation incorrectly?

- Come on, son.

We're leaving? Are you crazy?

That's probably your best
chance ever at finding a wife!

- Wheelchair to Admitting.

We need a wheelchair at
Admitting please.

- We need to clear
this area now, go.

[solemn music]

*

[electronic beeping]

[monitor flat-lining]

- I'm so sorry about the delay.

The forensic report
was right here,

and somehow, my new assistant
managed to lose it already.

- Found it!
Oh, false alarm.

This is actually the new issue
of "Men's Health."

Wow, Ryan Reynolds
is more jacked than ever.

You know, I used to be
a personal trainer.

Oh. Hi, Shawn.

[gasps]

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah. Woody, what are
you doing here?

- What? Don't look at me.

- [stammering] I can explain.

Thank God Karen
and Butterfly here

have hearts the size
of Anchorage.

- I voted no.

- [snickering]

She's so saucy.
I can't take it sometimes.

This is called an NBA hug.

- Let's call it one-and-done.

- Copy that.

- Seriously, man,
what the hell happened?

You were--you were
in Sacramento.

You had season tickets
to the Kings.

- Yeah, I got the gig
as head medical examiner

for the State of California.

Lassiter threw me a party
at Buca di Bepo.

I got a condo with
a Japanese bidet

in both bathrooms and a urinal
in the foyer.

Mm. Those were halcyon times.

- Then he got fired
for closing up a cadaver

with a chili dog
in the chest cavity.

- Not... true.

Butterfly.

I got fired for opening
the cadaver back up

to retrieve the chili dog

because I took a working lunch.
- Ohh.

- Wow.
- Yup.

- But hey, here we all are.

It's like no time
has passed at all.

Look at you guys.
Look at me.

Editor's note:
I have hemorrhoids.

Thrombosis.
But they make pillows for that.

- Far be it for me to rain
on this reunion,

but could you please
shed some light

on the murder of my partner?

- Yes.

I can tell you he was
asphyxiated.

My guess is with a pillow.

We're combing the body for DNA.

At this point, I can say
with 100% certainty--

- Burton Guster?

- What the--

- So anyone can come in
to the morgue now.

Cool.

- So weird.
What are the odds?

How have you been?

Is that a dead body?

- Yeah.

- Uh, so,

I was hoping to explain myself
from our date last night.

- That wasn't a date.
That was an assault.

Do you work here?

- Ew, no.
This place is gross.

But I did see
your cute Instagram post,

and I thought I'd pop by.

- You Instagrammed the morgue?

- I have followers
to think about, Shawn.

Excuse me.

- Who is this?

- That's the girl from
the telescope party.

- Oh, I'm so glad that
she's here with us.

- Okay, yeah--
- Shh.

Listen. I'ma be honest
with you, Burton.

I am an ambitious woman with
a lot to do in my life.

I don't have time
to mess around.

I took your business card,
and I did my due diligence.

I checked you out
on LinkedIn,

Classmates.com,
BlackPlanet--

- BlackPlanet?
- I got a friend.

The point is, you passed.

- Passed what?
- All of it.

All of it.

I choose you.
I choose you, Burton Guster.

- Is there a world in which I
walk you through what I was

doing when you guys got here?
- Please. I'm begging you.

- All right, so--

wait, there--there's something
lodged in the stomach.

- [whispering]
She's not great.

- You don't even know me.

- I know all I need to know.

You like the sky, your mother,
safecracking,

a bakery called
Boom Boom Boom Muffins.

- [chuckles] That's all
on my business card.

- I know when you were
eight years old,

you won a contest for
doing a comic strip

about an Egyptian dog
that became Pharaoh.

- You know about
Mesopotamian Pomeranian?

- [sighs] I wish I
would've known you then.

I bet you were a dead ringer
for Bud on "The Cosby Show."

- [chuckles]

Look, you can't
follow me around,

research me, try to kiss me,

sniff my head, make me
feel uncomfortable--

- He's literally done all those
things since Thanksgiving.

- He's getting Gussed.
No wonder he doesn't like it.

- And yes, maybe your lips
are warm and soft

and taste like caramel,

but those lips are wrapped in
an electric blanket of crazy

set to medium-high,

and it doesn't
give you the right

to invade my private cone.

- Hm. Completely fair.

- Hm.
- I will leave you my resume.

- Your resume?

- Yes--my romantic history,

a few references.

I think you'll see I
check out quite nicely,

save possibly for a brief
dalliance with Lester Holt

and a semi-public rock-out
with Wilmer Valderrama,

but to be completely fair,

it was all under the shirt

but over the bra.

Oh, and I also made you

this fluffernutter sandwich.

Your mother said it
was your favorite.

So, there you have it.

- I'm gonna keep this
fluffernutter sandwich,

because I think it's rude
to waste food.

- I will circle back with you

once you've had a chance
to look over my materials.

But in the meantime...

get out!
- What?

You know, like the movie.

Okay, bye.

You know what?
I'm gonna go.

- Oh, well, this is new.

- I know that dongle.

- [snickering]

- Let's hope it still works.

- Mine does not.
Not always.

- You should at least try
that sandwich, yeah?

- Get your own stalker, Shawn.

- Ugh.

It's completely wiped.
- Wait.

There's one file added
after the wipe.

[dramatic music]

*

- I don't know what
to tell you, Gus.

She took the file; she won't
show me the document.

I'm freaking out.
I mean, what if I'm

sleeping with Nick Nolte
from "Mulholland Falls"?

- [scoffs] Well, then you're
really getting

the short end of the stick,
"Mulholland Falls"-wise.

[both yelp]

- You know, it's funny.

When people steal from me,

they tend to run
much farther away.

- All right, all right.

Let's all be reasonable here.

He didn't mean
to steal from you.

He was just working a case.

- A case?
Who do you work for?

- I can't tell you that.

- Oh, boy. Shawn,
tell the man with the knife

who the client is.

- Ohhhh,

I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to invoke, uh,

detective-client privilege.

- Who's the damn client, Shawn?

- I...

it's me.

It's me. I'm the client.

I am looking for
an engagement ring.

It's my ring, and it was stolen
from me while I was proposing.

- Are you kidding me?!

This guy--this guy right here--

he has ruined our business

because he keeps searching
for this damn ring

that he's never gonna find!

- Not true, Gus!
[whimpers]

May I just...

- I'm telling you, Shawn,

that ring is cursed!

- This ring is the opposite
of cursed.

Here it is. And I cannot
get married without it, sir.

- This ring is worthless.
- To you.

Sure. But to me,
it's everything.

- You ever considered that

maybe you're just
using the ring

as an excuse to cover
your fear of change?

- Thank you.
That's exactly what--

[screams]

- This isn't about you.
- Got it.

Please continue.

- The ring was
my grandmother's.

Right? It was supposed
to go to my dad,

But they often butted heads.

On the night before
his wedding,

she pulls the ring back.

So he had to scramble,

and he went into debt,

made a bunch of very poor
financial decisions

which ultimately resulted
in a divorce,

because he didn't
have that ring.

It's possible that I'm
editorializing,

but I'm not gonna make
the same mistake.

- Thank you for the answer.

Kill them.

- No, no! You can't kill us!

You can't kill us!
We just bonded!

You and me, like gentlemen.
- Business is business.

Plus, you now know that
my real name is Ted.

- [stutters] Only because
you just told me.

- I'm sorry about this,
but no one's going to miss

some lowly private detective.

- Time out.
Lowly? No.

I'll have you know I am the
preeminent psychic detective

in this whole alley, Jack.

- Psychic?

- That's right.

Please, take a look.

That's me, with the sweet hair.

- This makes no sense.
Why does a psychic

operate in the shop
from "Gremlins"?

- To potentially
meet Phoebe Cates.

- Okay.

Read me.

- Read you.

[humming]

Covfefe.

You like knives.

You like kittens.

You like...

Middle-aged...kittens.

- Mm-hmm. The past.

Anyone can read the past.

- I got the kittens right?

- Tell me the future.

- Look.

Gus, he has own Ta-rote cards.

- Tarot cards.

- He just carries them
around with him.

That's not scary at all.

Shall we adjourn

to the Mahjong Room?

[light suspenseful music]

*

The Merle of Haggard.

- Merle of what?

- He foretells
of a dangerous situation.

It involves both a curb

and a bus.

I see a tax issue.
- I don't pay taxes.

- That's the issue.

[gasps]

[gasps loudly]

Sorry.

Forgive me.

You must lay off the salt.

- Salt?
- Salt.

- Salt.
- Salt.

Gus...

- Okay. All right.

- So you're not
gonna cleave us?

- We'll see, won't we?

[tires screech]

[somber music]

*

- Uh...

how we doing, babe?

- Shawn, I owe you an apology.

I know I have been
acting strange

and icing you out,

but the truth is,

I'm scared, and I
need your help.

- You had us at Shawn.

- I used all of the cases
referenced in this manifesto

to create this board.

It is every suspect
that went away

for every crime mentioned.

- So these are the victims
of your supposed crimes?

- Yes. Now, I know,
what you're thinking.

And here's the thing.

It's true.

Look, every single one
of these dirtbags

is guilty as sin.

But I have done some things

that I am not necessarily
proud of.

- I've to pee since 2:00.

- Gus, it's 2:05.
- It doesn't matter, Shawn.

- It does matter.
We stopped specifically

on the way here so that
you could go pee.

- There was someone in there.

- There were 12 stalls.
- I don't care.

- When are you gonna get
a handle on this

bashful black bladder thing?

- You know what?
Do you, Shawn.

- I...

I fudged the rules.

I skipped some protocols to put
these dirtbags away, Shawn.

And now I feel like Sam's blood
is on my hands,

and I have no one to blame
but myself.

- Hey, hey, hey.

I love these hands.

Especially the right one,
because that's the one

I generally hold.

- I...

I like to walk on the left.

- You do like to walk
on the left.

You're a leftie walker.

They call that southfoot.

- I'm a southfoot.
- You're a southfoot.

Look, you have watched me

lie and cheat and steal

for the better part of what,
a decade?

All in the name
of catching bad guys.

You didn't do anything
illegal, am I right?

Then let's figure out who
the hell is doing this to you,

and put 'em away.

This is work time.

- [exhales] Okay.

All of these criminals
had a beef--

a technicality they
hoped would get them off.

The problem is that
none of them

should feel more slighted
than the other.

It's impossible to know
who is Sam's killer.

[evocative music]

*

- 'Cause it's none of them.

It's none of the perps.

It's your snitch.

- Billy McGoldrick?

He gave information
on all of them.

- What's his beef?

- I still sent him to jail.

- Well, obviously he's out.

And he's the one who's
been following you.

- Surveillance photos?
They're spying on her.

- Jules...

your house keys
were in your hand.

That picture was taken
from here, Gus.

Wait.

[camera shutter clicks]

Ah, no, actually, the picture
was taken from ac--

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

- I'll be damned.

- That's him!

Freeze!

[suspenseful music]

*

[gunshots]

- You betrayed me
and ruined my life!

- You were a snitch
and a criminal!

Of course she sold you out!

- Guys--
- And you killed Sam,

you son of a bitch!

- Yeah!
- Oh--oh, come on.

Sammy's not even d--
oh, bloody hell, he is dead.

Well, look, I wish
I'd killed him!

But that honor went to
my beautiful new associate--

- Heather Rockrear.

- Heather Rockrear?

- What? That's what
we're calling her.

And the brother's the Black
Gentleman Dandy.

- That's correct, Gus.
And you're the Thin White Duke!

- You're spot on.

- Eh, well...

- What?

- Look, man, I hate
to break it to you.

You don't sound anything
like David Bowie.

- No.
- [stammering] Well, hang on.

Nobody sounds like David Bowie
but David Bowie, full stop.

- Well, I think Jemaine Clement
has a pretty good Bowie.

- Yup.
- Look, psychic boy

and Magic Head,

Juliet, I would love to kill
all three of you

right now, but unfortunately,

I've already promised I won't
do that yet.

And unlike you,

I keep my promises.

[gunshots]

- [screaming]

- Promises?
What are you talking about?

- Oh, come on, Jack.
Let's not ruin the ending.

- Hey!

I'll be doing all the
jack-tagging around here,

okay, Jack?

- Drop the gun!

- Nice, babe.
That's nice. That's clean.

- I have just one thing
to say...

always have a plan B.

Ha!

[clicking]

- That couldn't have been
what you were going for.

You check the batteries
in the remote?

- Bloody hell.
Uh, the plan was,

I was gonna do a flippy-do
into here,

hit the button,
massive metal door

just like, sha-kunks down.

You know, like in
"Empire Strikes Back."

Now it's busted, and I'm
really embarrassed.

- You have the right
to remain silent.

- Yahtzee!

- Wait!

Damn it, we walked
right into that.

It was kinda dope, though.

- Let's go.
- Yeah.

- Lord, I'm gonna pay
a steep price

for what I'm about
to do to my body.

- Hey, Gus, come check out
this douchebag in the hat.

- Shawn!

- Oh, my God.

My dad's having a full-on
seven-eighths life crisis.

Dad, I specifically told you

to dress for dinner,

not Adam Levine's funeral.

- I'm allowed to evolve, Shawn.

- Is that scarf tweed?

- I'll be honest, Pop.

I have been actively shopping

for a walk-in tub

and something called a Rascal
for you for Christmas.

There is no way that you think
this outfit is appropriate.

- Shawn, exactly how old
do you think I am?

- I know it starts with one.

- Yep, it's definitely tweed.
- Why do you own a ukulele?

- Would you please stay out
of my stuff,

and if you must know,

I recently learned "The Remedy"
from Oliver and Angus.

- Oliver and Angus?

- Yes, they work at FOMO
next to my loft building.

- Did you hear that, Gus?

Oliver and Angus work at FOMO.

What--I saw you
five months ago.

What happened?
- I bought my retirement loft

with an unobstructed view
of my boat.

I did not plan that the area
would gentrify

as quickly as it did,

but rather than getting all
Scroogey about it,

I stayed fluid.

- Show me your belly button
and prove you're my father.

- Man, some of us are eating.

- Hey, Juliet.

- Henry.

What a surprise.

- Um--
- Hey.

If somebody makes my
future daughter-in-law

a target, you can bet your ass

I'm not staying home
for Christmas,

plus there's a drum circle
down at Union Square

that I'm already
kinda committed to.

- Is this a cricket bat?

- You should've stayed home.

Whatever this psycho
McGoldrick is up to,

he wants me, not you--
any of you.

- McGoldrick? The ginger
who works at the baths

down at the Funkzone,
he's behind all this?

- No, Dad.
Not that McGoldrick.

This one's one of Juliet's
snitches.

Said he promised someone else
he wasn't gonna kill her,

so the question's who and why.

- Puts us back
to square one.

Countless perps
with axes to grind.

- Yeah, but he knows
who we are too.

That rapscallion
called me Magic Head.

- Well, he picked on
the wrong family.

- [clears throat]

- Shawn, that would be
your cue.

- Yeah, I know my cue, Pop.

This isn't 2010, okay?

I can read my own
girlfriend.

I know when she needs to be
comforted, et cetera.

- Fiancé.
- That's what I said.

- No. You said girlfriend.

- It's semantics.
- It's not semantics, Shawn.

- Y...

you ate all the Quatro
Quesos Dos Fritos?!

- Yes, and now I pray for dawn.

- It's my problem, Shawn.

- Sweetheart, you keep
saying that; it's ridiculous.

Since when is a psychopath
trying to kill you

just your problem?

- It's more complicated
than that.

- It's not. It's--it's not.

And it's certainly
not more complicated

than me designing
the psychphrancisco office

with a "Gremlins" motif.

And you signed off
when no one else would.

No one else got it.

Except for you.

You always have my back.

Because that's how we do it.

We take on these--
these crazy obstacles, right?

And--and we come at it together
and we work through it,

because we are an us.

We are a we.

We are--we are lovers

in the nighttime.

- Are we? Do we?
Should we?

- I don't know, you're--
you're Dr. Suessing me now.

I don't even know--what am I
supposed to do with that?

- Sorry, I'm just really
wound up right now.

- Maybe...

I should help you unwind.

Huh? Maybe?

Maybe a little bit of bacon?

- [laughs]
That's very sweet of you.

But I'm gonna go outside
and get some air.

- Okay.

- You should try
to get some sleep.

[soft dramatic music]

*

[phone ringing]

- Hey there, partner.

- Hey, Carlton.

I'm sorry to bother you
so late.

- I talked to Henry.

I'm so sorry to hear
about Sam.

- It was my fault, Carlton.

- I highly doubt that.

- No, it was.

I colored outside the lines.

- I see.

But I'm not your priest,
O'Hara.

Besides, we're cops,
not saints.

- But you are a saint.

And you taught me
to be one too.

- Listen to me,
I took an oath

to put the lives of strangers
before my own.

Meanwhile, I have a daughter
who says a little prayer

every morning
asking Jesus to please

let her daddy make
it home for dinner.

So, yes, I believe in a code.

But I also believe in doing
whatever it takes

to make sure bad people
don't hurt good people.

Sometimes that means
getting creative.

- I think I created a monster.

- Well, if you created
the son of a bitch,

then you can take him out.
I'll be there by morning.

- Absolutely not.
I can clean up my own messes.

- Man, I know what you can do.

You be careful out there.

And tell Spencer
to keep sucking it.

Like, keep at it.
Do not stop.

- [chuckles]
Will do.

Please give my best
to your girls.

- [whining]

[eerie music]

*

[clattering]

- [whispering] Jules?

*

Gus!

Wake up!

Gus, wake up!
I think someone's here!

Gus!

Gus, wake up!

Freeze!

- Hey, Shawn.
- Mary?

Wait... Mary?

- Just a little amuse-bouche.

I uncorked a Malbec
and I crafted a cheese board.

Heavy on the manchego for you,

sans anything blue for me.

It crumbles.

I don't care for that.

Have a slab.

- I...

[shimmering tone]

- Stay gold.

- [exhales]

[scoffs] I'm dreaming.

God. [chuckles]

You scared me, man.

- You look handsome.

Leathery.
- Oh, get out of here.

You haven't aged a day.

- Come on, live fast,
die young,

leave a soft-faced corpse.

Shawn.
[sighs]

Do I look like
Richard Thomas to you?

- John-Boy Richard Thomas?

- There are those beyond
the Pearly Gates

that think there's
a resemblance,

and I don't see it, friend.

How's your girl?
- She's good.

She's, uh...
she's got a lot going on...

- Mm.
- Right now.

It's...
- Good.

- It's complicated.
- Oh.

Yeah.
- If I don't find that ring,

I am gonna blow it with her

all over again, man.

- Oh, Shawn.

I know what you need.

- Oh, no.
Not--I don't--

Mary, easy.

Mary...

- * I've lost my mind

* On what I'd find

* All of the pressures
that I left behind *

* On Allison Road

- Warm drawn butter.
- I know.

both: * Fools in the rain

* If the sun gets through

* Fires in the Heaven
of the eyes I knew *

* On Allison Road

- You were right.

The Gin Blossoms is exactly
what I needed.

- * Dark clouds file,
the moon is near *

[together] * Birds fly by a.m.
in her bedroom stare *

* There's no telling
what I might find *

* I couldn't see I was
lost at the time *

both: * Jingle jangle dingle
dangle jingle jangle ding *

* Jingle jongle dingle dongle
Allison Road *

* Jingle jangle dingle dangle
jingle jangle ding *

* Jingle jongle dingle dongle
Allison Road *

- * I can see I was
lost at the time... *

- [gasps]

Wait for it...

- Could you please
keep it down?!

I am trying to meditate.

- What is that?
Why is he doing that?

- Why is he here? Why is--
- What is that?

This is my dream!

- This isn't for you.

- Is nothing sacred anymore?!

- Fine.

both: * On Allison Road

- Whoo-hoooo...
- Shawn.

Shawn!

Shawn!
- [screams]

- Would you stop singing
and wake up?

It's morning.

- I got to feed the pony.

[phone ringing]
- Ugh.

Stop calling me, Mischa.
I'm out.

Vandalizing cars? Petty theft?

You're rich and bored,
and it's gross.

And by the way, everyone knows
you stuff your bra.

- Well, John Hughes,
eat your heart out.

I mean, I wish I had
that kind of courage

when I was your age.

Bravo.

- Thanks, but I'm
not really cool

with talking to strangers.

- Fair enough.
I'll do all the talking.

- I'm surprised you got here
before Juliet, Chief,

considering how much closer
she is to your daughter,

- Don't worry, she'll be here.

And she still has
seven minutes.

- Do I look worried?

I'm wearing ladies' makeup
right now.

Ah, the belle of the ball.

Just in time.

- Thank you for coming
so quickly.

I wasn't expecting
the cavalry.

- They didn't give me
a choice.

- What's this?

Does no one think the rules
apply to them anymore?

Now I've got to call this in
on this stupid walkie-talkie.

- Call it in to who?

- Whom. To whom.

Can someone please
explain that to him?

- Okay. Clearly we are
dealing with more

than just the Thin White Duke,

Heather Rockrear,
and the Black Gentleman Dandy.

Which means Gus and I should
definitely be packing.

- Not a chance.
- Come on!

- That's easy for you to say.

We're gonna be sitting ducks
out there.

My perfect head is like catnip
to a long-range rifle scope.

- [whispering] Hi, Karen.

- All right, looks like
all of you can come.

Turns out this wasn't
altogether unexpected.

But you're all going to die.

And, moreover, nobody's
packing anything, all right?

You got a gun,
it goes in the bag.

And your butts on the boat.

Come on, move it.

You, too. I know you're
not packing anything.

Certainly not in your trousers.

Come on. You, in.

Move it. Let's go.
On the boat.

You too, sweetheart.
Come on.

Juliet, no need to
pat you down, right?

- So what's the plan?

- Well, I didn't know we were
getting into a boat

until ten seconds again.

- I may make a jump for it.

How many sharks do you
think are in the bay?

- At least one.
- Dammit.

- [stammering] What are you
supposed to be now?

Is this The Riddler?

- [chortling] He's funny.

Do you keep him around
for the jokes?

Get in the boat, Tobolowsky!

- You just called me
Tobolowsky.

That is a deep cut, and now
I am very rattled.

- Shut up.
In you go.

- Gus, what do you know
about Alcatraz?

- Not much.

Built in 1934,
336 mainline cells,

definitely haunted.

The legendary
"Birdman of Alcatraz"

did all of his actual breeding
in Leavenworth, Kansas.

- Didn't you just say
"not much"?

- I haven't been since they
closed for restoration

last year, Shawn.

No. Shawn,

there's no way he's
taking us to Alcatraz.

- Well, I'm absolutely
mortified

that no one's here
to greet us,

but you just can't find
good help these days, can you?

Please, please, make your way
all the way to the front.

I'll be with you shortly.

Don't dawdle.

- Dude, I got to say,

this restoration is
coming along great.

If I'm looking
on the bright side--

it's nice to get
a sneak preview.

- You're talking about
the bright side

of dying in Alcatraz.

- Lights!

Is everyone comfortable?

- Enough. What have you done
with Iris, you son of a bitch?!

- Oy, Chatty Cathy, shut it.

I've got a slew of events
planned for tonight,

and I don't want to be rushed.

So! Now that I have delivered
tonight's guest of honor

and, as luck would have it,

all of her stupid-faced
friends,

my job here is done.

- Thank God.

- I literally heard that.

You said it just loud enough

that I could hear
what you said.

[sighs] Where was I?

Oh, yeah, would you like
to all meet

tonight's actual headliner?

- Headliner?
- Oh yeah, man.

She's been paying
for all of it.

[gunshot]

Oh, my G--

[thump]

- Ugh.

So what's the consensus
on the accent?

Because it's definitely
not Bowie.

[gunshots]

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

- Allison Cowley!

My dream.
Allison Road.

Gin Blossoms.
I had a--I had a dream!

Mary was there.
We sang "Allison Road."

You were Prince, and Jules
was Princess Leia,

there was a pony,

the pony said st--

[gunshots]

- Thank you, guys,

for putting up with him.

Really.
It was hard on us all.

But his petty revenge scheme

was just too fortuitous
to pass up!

And I must admit,
I was secretly hoping

you'd all show up,
family-style.

It's like four free
bowls of soup.

Questions, really?
Oh, okay.

- I'm sorry, you just
shot your partner.

- Uh, not a question, Shawn,

but why split hairs?

He was only useful until now.

He wanted revenge,

but he didn't have
the tool set that I do.

We struck a deal.

He ruins Juliet's legacy,

and then I get to beat her
to death.

It's a classic win-win;

happens all the time
in the Batman movies.

- Dude. Cheese cloth.

- You're hungry now?

I would never eat cheese
in cloth form.

- Painter's cheese
cloth, Shawn.

It's used in construction.
For the refurbishment.

It's usually hanging
straight down,

but it's pushed to the side
over there.

- Zero attention span,
am I right?

- What the hell do you want,
Cowley?

[gunshot]

[hammer clicking]
- [groans]

Isn't it obvious?

I want a do-over.

You ruined me.

The night you arrested me

was supposed to be
my coming-out party.

Yin to me.
A passing of the torch.

A changing of--
am I doing too many similes?

I feel like I went
one too far.

- Comedy often plays
in threes.

- I'm not doing a bit.

- [whispering] I think Iris is
somewhere through that doorway

on the left.

Also, cheese cloth
and the word "refurbishment"

are actual things.

- Chief.

Your kid's somewhere
in the building.

There are explosives involved,

so you're facing
an uphill battle

even if you do manage
to find her.

But, as a woman,

I refuse to believe that
you're not capable

of overcoming the odds.

It's just that you're not.

[giggles]

But look at the bright side.

The two of you get
to blow up together.

- What'd she say?
- I can't hear a word.

- Gentlemen,

now that the four of you
have crashed my party,

you have the very
unenviable task

of getting past my colleagues.

They've been instructed
to toy with you

and give you
a false sense of confidence

and then kill you in whichever
order or way feels most fun.

- Uh...

put me down for
auto-erotic asphyxiation.

- Who is this guy?

- I'm the assistant
coroner, bitch.

- Aw, come on.
- Okay, [stutters] all right.

I have to apologize
to everybody

for that whole,
uh, "bitch" thing.

That was uncalled for.
- Strode, Strode, shut up.

She's about to kill us.
- That's no excuse, Henry.

It's a new world.
I know it. We all know it.

And--and there is no reason

that your gender should
have any bearing

on my choice of insults.

- Are you serious?

- Duly noted.

Can you shut up forever?

- Oh. Yes.

- Which brings me
to Little Miss

Little-Miss-Can't-Be-Wrong.

We have unfinished business.

I didn't say go.
Did anyone hear "go"?

All right, what the hell.

Timer's set to 20.
Let's do it right this time.

Kill the lights.

- [sighs]
- Wh-who's Iris?

- Jules!
- Iris! Iris?

- Jules, wait!
Maybe we should stick together.

- Iris!

- Gus, what are you doing?

What, are you leaving?

- I'm getting us
to the lighthouse

to signal for help, Shawn.

- Technically that's leaving.

- I'm not commenting on plans

once I get to the lighthouse,
Shawn.

But someone's gotta
wait outside.

[rumbling]

- Good evening, gentlemen.

I will be dismantling
the both of you

in a matter of moments.

- Shawn Spencer.
- Verb.

- Pleasure.
- Everything good?

- Gus...

he's no dandy.

- He's a black gentleman ninja.

- Still no ring
on the finger, I see.

- Why does everyone
keep saying that?

[shrieks]

[both grunting]

- [screams]

- I'm not crazy
about overpowering

a woman in a singlet.

- She's not wearing a singlet.
- No, I am.

Under my clothes.

Oh! [whimpering]

- You know, I've been dealing
with broads like you

my entire l--aaagh!

- [grunts]

- [groaning]

- Apparently my milkshake

brings old bald guys
to the yard.

- I have a ribbon.

- No, no. No, no. No!

No! No! No, no, no!

[screams]

- * Deck the halls
with boughs of holly *

- No! [gasping] Not the arm!
Not the arm!

- * Fa la la la la,
la la la la *

* 'Tis the season
to be jolly *

- No, no, no, no, no, no!
[screams]

- * Fa la la la la,
la la la la *

- Please! [groaning]

- * Don we now our
gay apparel *

- Time out, time out,
time out, time out!

- * Fa la la, la la la...

- Iris!

- [moaning]
- Iris?

- Gus, I'm not even
scared anymore.

This is simply bedazzling.

- I'm transfixed.

How long is this
display going on for?

- Hopefully long enough for him
to wear himself out.

Okay, that's next level.
- The man gravity forgot.

Oooh!

- Iris!
- [moaning]

- Hi.

- [crying]

- It's okay. It's okay.

Just sit tight, okay?

Sit tight, baby.

Okay, I'm gonna get
you out of here.

- [moaning]

[crying]

- I shouldn't have
rejected Selene, Shawn.

She's almost everything
I ever wanted in a woman,

short of being
Gugu Mbatha-Raw.

I'm so stubborn about
the Pluto thing.

And you know I've got to be
the cheetah, Shawn.

The cheetah!
- Gus, you are a cheetah.

And she's basically
the female version of you.

You know that.
- I know.

I should've married Jules
three years ago.

This ring is just
another excuse for me

to avoid responsibility.

- Mm-hmm.

- She deserves better
than me, Gus.

- No. No, Shawn.

She deserves the best
version of you. Hey.

[together] I'm proud of you.

- Let's do the thing
that we're best at.

- You know that's right.

[both inhale deeply]

[screaming]

- * I've lost my mind

* On what I'd find

*

* All of the pressure
that I left behind *

* On Allison Road

*

* Fools in the rain

*

* If the sun gets through

*

* Fire's in the heaven
of the eyes I knew *

* On Allison Road

- [groans]

- We can't go out
like this, Ryan.

- My name is Henry.

You've known me for
nine years, Strode.

- Sorry. I can't stop thinking
about Ryan Reynolds.

What can we do?
- I don't know.

She's so much fitter than us.

- Look at my thighs.

*

It's the last thing
I want you to see.

- * On Allison Road, yeah

* I didn't know
I was lost at the time *

* On Allison Road
- Yeah!

- That's it! Go, go!

- * So she fills up
her sails *

*

* With my wasted breath

- Whoo!

*

- * And each one's more
wasted than the others *

* You can bet,
on Allison Road *

- We need a key to the cell!
Let's go!

- Oh, my God, I never--
I can't feel my arm.

I can't feel my leg.
How am I walking?

I can't feel my limbs!
How am I walking?

- I'll get another one.
- I killed her!

*

- Isn't it funny, Juliet?

I mean, we're both blondes.

We're both smart.

Business up front,
party in the back.

I could've been you,
and you could've been me.

There's really only one thing
that separates us...

- You mean besides the capacity
to feel empathy?

- No. Just that.

Why, can you think
of something else?

- I can.

So, Shawn's office...

is at the end of an alley
in Chinatown.

It's called psychphrancisco,

all one word, all lowercase.

"ph" for the f.
Not the wisest marketing move.

But we are a we.

We are an us.
We are lovers in the night.

So we support each other
even when

we make questionable decisions.

- This is the weirdest
stalling for time speech

I've ever heard.

- It basically means
I spend my weekends

in Chinatown waiting
on rickshaws

and jade birdcages
to be delivered.

Shawn loves "Gremlins."
I mean, who doesn't?

It's my favorite
Christmas movie.

- Technically, it's not
a Christmas movie,

and I feel like you're just
getting further off-topic.

- Point is,

there's this incredible
martial arts gym next door.

And I never knew

what a "kip up" was

until I took the class.

- Ugh!

[orchestral music]

*

- [grunts]

- We need a key.

- [panting]

Dad?

- Hello, gentlemen.

How fortuitous.

Three birds, one wire.
- [gasps]

- [whispering]
Gus, there's a table.

- What?
- Gus, there's a table.

- That has never worked, Shawn.
- It did work once.

- Hi, baby, hi.

- [muffled shouting]

- Chief, stop!
She said there'd be explosives.

- [crying]

- Okay, okay.

Okay, I need you to go back
as far as you can,

'cause we are gonna
get this.

Okay?

- Let him go,
Gentleman Ninja.

- I'm afraid this is the end.

- Well, I'm afraid my dad's
not gonna die tonight.

At least not by
your deftly manicured hands.

I suppose natural causes
is still on the table.

- What?
- The table.

- No.
- Yes.

- When?
- Now!

- [grunts]
- Ha, damn it!

- [shouts]
- He's so nimble!

*

- Uhhh!

- Freeze!

You arrogant bastard.

- Woody, Woody.
- Oh, thank God.

- Cheers.
Cheers.

- Okay, just--just get out
of here, Juliet, okay?

Just--please, just go.

Okay, baby, I need you
to go back as far as you can

because Mommy's
not going anywhere.

- [muffled shouting]

Don't pull the wire!

It's a code, it's a date!
I heard them.

It's the day Mr. Yin died
and she got arrested!

- [gasps]

- [exhales]
- Why do you know that?

- It was kind of
a big night for me.

- Mom?
- Hey.

Hi, baby.

There you are.

Let's get this off, huh?

- Ah.

[warm music]

[upbeat holiday music]

- Shawn, I think
I'm gonna bounce.

I got a unicycling class
that starts...

eh, screw it.

Nah, I'm going fishing.

- Am I the only one
who's hungry?

- I could eat.
- Gus?

- Dude, you have to block
this girl from your Instagram.

- What...

are you doing here?

- Wow, thank you.

Uh, Selene,
before we go any further,

let me just say this.

That was the best
fluffernutter sandwich

I've ever eaten
in my entire life.

And I'm completely willing
to make a go at this.

But you must let me
be the cheetah

in this relationship.

- Done.
- Cool.

That is not letting
me be the cheetah.

- [squeals]

Mmm.

- Shawn Spencer. Psychic.

- Wow. Word's really, uh,
gotten out on this thing.

- You promised me that
you had these skills.

I'm here to tell you,
all those things you claimed,

those premonitions
you told me...

They came true!

- [scoffs]

- How do you do it?
No, really?

- Well--
- It's unbelievable, man.

- What? You're serious?

Those things actually happened?

- Every one.

- How?
- Gus--

- How?!
- Gus.

- What?
- You know how.

- It's just a new program we
have down at the Bureau.

That's the Internal
Revenue Service.

It's called "Clean Start."

You're all clear
on your taxes.

Happy holidays.

[truck horn blasting]

- Whoa! That was close, sir.

You must have
a guardian angel.

- Can I borrow your salt?
Ugh!

Sharp pains!

Let this be a cautionary tale
to all.

[coughing]

- You have a gift,
my friend.

- That's a sweet thing
to say from you, yeah.

- In return, I have
a gift for you.

- Oh, that's t--it's too much.
- He's gonna shoot us.

We should've never
the bait, dammit!

- It's o...

[dramatic music]

- You were right.

Very difficult to find.

But your three years were
not wasted looking.

You just weren't willing
to break any limbs

to get your information.

You are so lucky.

- No way.

- [gasps]

Is that...

- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That's totally it.

Thank you.

I'm ready.

- You are?
- Oh, hell yes.

You have been so patient.

And I love you so much.

And I'm so grateful for you.

So let's go to the airport

and fly to Iceland
and rent a volcano.

Or--or we can venture
to your family's homeland

in Inverness and--
and vow it up

surrounded by Highland cows.

- Curious beasts.
- Or!

Or we can married on
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

We'd have to talk fast,
'cause I think the ride's

only a minute and a half long,
and the car only seats four

and we'll need room
for Gus and--

- Shawn.

I don't need any of that.

I never have.

- You're gonna want
one of those cows.

Don't make the same
mistake I did.

- Let's just call a Lyft

and go to Vegas right now.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Okay.

Yes, Mr. Provedor?

- I'm ordained.

- What?
- I'll be your maid of honor.

- Ooh!
- No, no, no, no, no.

I don't think so.
Please.

- Mom--
- Overreaching.

You know what?
Completely my fault.

- Move it, Vick.
We're ready to begin.

- Woody!

- Gus...

- I knew this was
gonna happen, Shawn.

- I know, I know, I know.

But you gotta pull it together,
'cause I need your

best man speech to kill.
- It will.

- Hey.

My sincerest congratulations
to the both of you.

- Oh, thanks, man.

- You're welcome.

- Very kind.

That's just a good dude.

- Brother's gotta
make a living.

- This economy? Absolutely.
- Yeah.

- Shall we begin?
- Oh! I do.

- Me too.

[laughter]

[cheering]

[warm music]

*

- [clears throat]

You skipped a few things.

It's okay.
- Right, sure.

- Let's start from
the beginning.

[clears throat]

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here
to celebrate the union

of two lovely people

and, uh, bear witness

to their union
and holy matrimony.

Should anyone here know of
any reason this couple

should not be wed, please speak
now or forever hold your peace.

- Yeah, I have a few things I'd
like to get off my chest.

- Woody, really?
- Oh, not about this.

Can I wait until later?
- Yeah, I think so.

- You know what?
I'm gonna wait.

[upbeat Christmas music]

*

- Gus! We're gonna need
a bigger boat!

[whimpering]

- Stop playing around, Shawn.

The girl's already
at the airport checked in.

Find your damn passport.

- Boom! Found it.

Oh, hey, should I slice
this up for the road?

- Let's go, Shawn.

Look, I'ma ask you this
one more time.

Are you absolutely sure Juliet
is okay with Selene and I

tagging along on
your honeymoon?

- She's come to expect
nothing less.

- All right.
[crashing]

Should we be worried?

- Nah, it's Chinatown.

It's probably firecrackers
or jiffy pop.

Bubble wrap, bubble tea.

Could be any one
of those things, Gus.

- Congratulations, bro!

Finally made an honest woman
out of my sis.

- Ewan? What the hell
are you doing here?

- Oh, man.

I'm chillin'.

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

Hey, you guys got
a back door in here?

Gus!
- [grunts]

- So I was just gonna
mail you a wedding present,

but that's, like, a dick move,
so here you go.

And tied a little business in
at the same time.

Quick ask: do you guys
have a Kevlar vest

or possibly a lead shield
I could borrow?

- Actually, we're on our way
to the airport

for my honeymoon.

- Jamaica.
- Jamaica!

both: Jamaica!

- That's, like,
so played out, right?

They got johnnycakes
at the Giants game now.

- That's not funny, Ewan.

- Sweet pad.
"Gremlins," right? Yes.

Ah. [chuckles]
What happened to the Mogwai?

- We--we ran into
some licensing issues.

[helicopter whirring]

- Ewan O'Hara.
Come out with your hands up.

- [exhales]
Guys, this is all about me.

You have nothing
to worry about.

- Shawn Spencer and associate,
come out as well.

- Okay, now it's about
you guys too.

Could be a problem.
- Associate?

I pay the damn rent
in this place!

- Maybe if you were
around more often,

they'd know who you were.

- We're giving you
ten seconds.

- Okay, uh,
quick change of plans.

We gotta call an audible.
Jamaica's out.

Uh, we'll split the heat
with my sister.

How do you guys feel
about Oslo?

- He definitely shot Kennedy.
- The city.

- They named a city after that
son of a bitch?

- Shawn--
- Gents.

Good time to chat, but the back
door, the back door!

- Uh, it's really
more of a staircase

that leads to a tunnel
that lets out in Nob Hill.

- Dude, Nob Hill?
[laughs]

- Three...
- Where's the present?

- I left it over there.

- You're gonna need
the present.

Bogies! 12:00.
- One.

- Whoa!
- We have contact!

- Through the window!

- [screaming]

[gunfire]

Better be an awesome gift!

- Don't ever break the casing
or drop it!

- That's not really
a wedding gift, is it?

- It's the thought
that counts, Gus!

- [screaming]

[upbeat rock music]

*

- * I know, you know

* That I'm not
telling the truth *

* I know, you know

* They just don't
have any proof *

* Embrace the deception

* Learn how to bend

* Your worst inhibitions

* Tend to psych you out
in the end *

* I know, you know

*