Original subtitles

[ music playing ]

[ singing ] ♪ Think of waterfalls

Okay. Pee.

Someone'’s in here.

Can I please come in?

- No! - Okay, but I have to brush my teeth before I go to...

Get a bagel and come back home.

- ...work. - Can you please just give me like a minute?

Okay? She probably thinks I'’m pooping.

Uh, you'’re pooping so hard right now.

I am not pooping so hard!

I just can'’t pee.

Okay, and it'’s not helping that you'’re standing right there.

Rough sex?

No, the last man I was with was gentle.

Disarmingly gentle.

Wait, who did you-- I'’ll think about this later.

Okay, you probably got a UTI.

[ grunts ]

Put some water on it.

- On what? - On your vag?

No! Why?

It'’s science. It'’ll make you pee.

That'’s nonsense.

Okay, if you do not put water on it,

I am going to break this door down.

Ugh, this feels humiliating

even though I'’m just in front of myself.

Oh, no! It feels weird.

Why did--

Oh, my God! I'’m peeing!

- Immediately. - I told you.

- See, that'’s all you-- - Get out!

Can I at least get my toothbrush?

[ music playing ]

I hope I look cute perched on the counter.

But not like trying to look too cute.

[ gasps ] This may have been too bold of a choice.

The wind really messed with these blinds, huh?

I'’m so glad he'’s not a proper handyman.

If he was he'’d know

I'’m the perpetrator, not the wind.

Supposed to screw the twirly rod into the--

into that thing.

Judy never taught me how.

She taught me a lot of other things, though.

I wanna be the one to help you love again.

This duct tape ought to do the trick.

It won'’t, but that'’s okay.

It'’ll break, and you'’ll be back sooner.

So, doing anything fun today?

Uh, I gotta shop for a new pillow.

All my sleep crying has essentially deteriorated the foam.

Oh, landlord'’s here.

I gotta put some pants on.

No, you'’re not gonna change for a man.

Yeah, [ bleep ] pants.

- No, I got-- all right. - Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, God, look at her. So nervous.

[ nervous chuckle ]

Don'’t worry, June. Uncle Kat coming in hot.

[ mimics sizzling ]

What is she doing?

Did she just forget to put pants on?

Hey, guys.

I just found out that lithium batteries make you really horny.

- Morning, Kat. - I was just talking to David.

Kat, you know, like... alone.

[ groans ] Sorry, bit my tongue.

June, why'’d you break the blinds again?

It was... the wind.

- [ whispers ] No, it wasn'’t. - [ whispers ] Get out!

[ David sighs ]

[ no audible dialogue ]

[ whispers ] Out!

See you, guys.

Dear God, I hope you'’re wearing pants.

I have thick undies.

Hey, June, you wanna know a fun idea that will be impossible to say no to?

No.

Let'’s Facebook stalk our substitute teachers

and see if our opinion of them still holds up.

I'’m actually friends with them and they'’re lovely.

Okay, well, you wanna get high

and talk about the sexual awakening

Jim Henson movies triggered within us?

Maybe another time.

I'’m actually gonna go on a run by myself.

Oh, okay. Fine. I don'’t need your attention.

I don'’t need it.

- Seems like you might. - Negative.

I have a date with someone way hotter than you.

- Myself. - Ew. That'’s disgusting.

[ grunts ] Okay, I'’m going to artistically journal

at the dog park.

After... that.

Oh, come on.

Okay, Kat, [ bleep ] Fear'’s gonna do a play about...

what scares you?

What scares the world?

Murder.

Disease.

Older family members on Facebook.

Hello, dog owner.

Mama don'’t got time to journal

when this sweet, fresh dick'’s right in front of her.

He'’s gonna sit, stay,

and roll over when he sees these boobs.

- Hey. - Hey.

How you doing?

Come here often?

Constantly.

Uh, my dog'’s incontinent,

- if you'’re wondering. - That'’s hot.

What are you writing?

Oh, just my feelings.

- I'’m an artist. - Me, too.

I'’m Tyler.

Kat.

You may have seen my stuff on Etsy.

I'’m known for these rocks I paint to look like Tamagotchis.

I really like the clash of nature

juxtaposed with cold, steely technology.

- May I? - Sure.

I think this is the man of my literal dreams.

Because I had this dream years ago that I met an artsy man,

who sold rocks on Etsy.

Oh, my God! I dreamt up Etsy.

Now... imagine this on a rock.

Yeah.

Hey, um, do you wanna get dinner sometime?

We could talk about your sordid past.

I would love to.

- Oh, cool. I'’d-- - But I can'’t.

Oh.

- You'’re gay. - No, but I do sleep with couples sometimes.

- Yum. - But, no, it'’s that my brother is living with me right now

after going through a terrible break-up.

- He'’s an emotional minefield. - Oh.

I'’d feel terrible rubbing a hot woman in his face.

- Hot woman. - He'’s kinda boring and weird.

Boring and weird.

I know just the woman for that.

Are you guys open to having a double date?

Huh.

That could help him get over Dolly.

And make him stop sulking around my house all day

watching "Grace and Frankie."

June will be perfect.

Her favorite genre is women in their golden years

taking back their life.

So, I'’ll see ya.

See ya then.

Mmm.

What a snack.

[ music playing ]

Licks of sweet.

I'’m like a spoiled pioneer lady.

- [ screams ] - Oh! Hey. Oh!

- Okay, well-- - Carrots.

- Those are mine. Those are my carrots. - Oh, snack.

Hey, but listen, I have to tell you something.

I met the most perfect man today,

but in order for me to go on a date,

you have to date his super depressed brother.

- What? - No, it'’s gonna be good for you, June.

I saw the way that you and David interacted earlier,

and it was terrible.

For the record, I felt like it was a pretty standard level awkwardness.

It was a train wreck.

You'’re never gonna bone David like that.

What you need is practice.

- Boning practice? - No, like,

go on a date with a guy that you don'’t care about

so that you can figure out how to be a normal human woman.

Um, I don'’t think that'’s my thing, Kat.

We'’ll make it your thing, baby.

I don'’t know.

Do Olympic skiers get gold the first time they run down the hill?

No. Right.

Fine. Okay.

I guess I'’ll learn how to be a regular human woman.

- Yes. - Cheers, everyone! [ chuckles ]

Yes!

Look at this party. It'’s crazy.

- [ nervous laugh ] - Okay.

So, June, is this your idea of a regular human woman?

Yes.

Yeah, you definitely have it all wrong.

Okay, we need to have a pre-practice practice.

Come on.

Let'’s go wash your hands, you child.

So, how was your day... Bill?

No, June, think personal.

Think... flirty.

Okay.

Are you circumcised?

- Very. - Okay, that'’s too personal.

Stay in flirty.

Do you pray before bed?

- Very. - Okay, this is hopeless.

You guys...

we'’ve gotta tell her about The Golden Trio.

We can'’t. We made a blood oath

never to use The Golden Trio again.

No one can handle its awesome power.

Remember Pepper?

We swore never to say her name.

Pepper, Pepper, Pepper!

- Stop! No! - You stop!

- Kat: Okay, all right. - June, can'’t handle the Trio!

I-- I can handle it. Tell-- Tell me.

Okay, we have to tell her.

I can'’t miss out on my perfect man.

June, I'’m gonna give you three words.

Rug, tug, smug.

- Okay. - Rug.

Pretend he'’s a rug. Walk all over him.

- Spill crumbs. - Pee on him.

- [ gasps ] - Tug.

Think light, physical violence.

Mini hits.

- Punches. - Fun chokehold.

Okay, there'’s-- there'’s no way this works.

Oh, it'’s a hundred percent guarantee.

Now, smug.

Look smug.

Because you'’re better than him.

He'’s your rug,

that you tug.

Understand?

[ whispers ] Barely.

Great. Now, the most important.

Wait, I thought there were three.

SMUM.

SMUM.

Stare directly into his eyes,

and smile really big for way too long.

Then make a light mmm sound.

So he thinks he hears something.

Or has an ear infection.

Or a tiny brain tumor.

[ all high-pitched humming ]

[ June high-pitched humming ]

He won'’t be able to resist you.

Wait, sorry. If it'’s so important,

why isn'’t it in the title of The Golden Trio?

We'’ve had a lot of debates about this.

It'’s because it doesn'’t rhyme.

It'’s a portmanteau.

[ gasps ] I love portmanteauses.

Me, too.

What'’s your favorite blended word? Mine'’s garage.

Oh! Um, tough one. Probably skort.

Just because it'’s such a great invention.

Okay, we don'’t have time for this.

June is not gonna [ bleep ] herself!

[ music playing ]

Are you ready?

Rug, tug, smug, SMUM.

As ready as I'’ll ever be.

Hey!

- Oh, hey. - Hey.

- Uh, I made you this. - Oh!

It'’s a Tamagotchi cat.

Like you. Keep her alive.

I'’ve never held such precious art.

Uh, this is my brother, Mitch.

Bathrooms here suck.

Oh, bummer.

Okay, focus.

I can flirt with this guy.

Remember, the stakes are so low,

I basically don'’t exist.

So, anything on the menu look good?

Well, most of this I can'’t eat.

Oh, do you have, um, like celiac disease or something?

I wish.

I basically can'’t eat any fruits or vegetables or I'’ll die.

It'’s a vitamin A imbalance.

Oh, he'’s ridiculous.

Time to rug.

But you can drink tequila?

That'’s bull.

Shit.

Hey, guys, what can I get for ya?

Yeah, I'’ll order.

We'’ll have two Cadillac margaritas,

and the lady and I will have a plate of the pulled pork nachos.

- Extra spicy. - Okay.

[ mocking baby voice ] If his little baby body can take it.

- Wait, you didn'’t even let me order-- I-- - Your shirt'’s dumb.

Yeah. Yeah, I wasn'’t sure if it was right.

Or, uh, cool? I don'’t know.

My mom was always really critical about my shirts.

Yeah, I can see that.

This one means wisdom,

and this one means suck it.

Took about eight sittings.

You sit there, you learn about yourself.

So cool. I'’ve always wanted a tatt--

When you get a tattoo you'’re basically saying

"[ bleep ] you" to the idea of death.

'’cause ink is permanent.

Yawn!

Can'’t wash it off.

A lot of people don'’t know that.

Wow! Look like old June'’s really getting the hang

of The Golden Trio plus one.

I have never seen its power employed so deftly.

Ugh! All this guy'’s talking about is his tattoo.

He hasn'’t asked me one question.

It'’s a deeper color.

And it goes deeper in your skin, too.

The quality of kuro sumi ink is unrivaled--

Mitch is actually pretty cute,

and he doesn'’t paint dumb rocks.

And I'’m pretty sure I had another dream

where I was married to a man who can'’t eat spinach.

So-- So where'’d you grow up?

Wouldn'’t you like to know.

Ow!

[ both laugh ]

Each tattoo is a prayer.

Oh, my God, I picked the wrong one!

June. Bathroom now.

- What? - Excuse me.

- Okay, come. - Good-bye.

We gotta switch guys.

Wait, what?

It'’s not for me, it'’s for you.

It'’s time for you to move up the ladder.

The ladder of men. The sweetest ladder there is!

- What are you talking about? - Listen, cha-cha.

We don'’t know how David'’s gonna act on a date.

We don'’t know if he'’s gonna be romantic or cold.

Or if he'’s gonna wanna [ bleep ] you ASAP.

You need to practice The Golden Trio plus one on Tyler.

Won'’t they be confused if we switch midway through the date?

Who cares.

But I thought you liked Tyler.

- You said he was your perfect man. - Yeah.

That'’s how much I am sacrificing... for you.

For me.

Suspicious. Okay. Yes.

More practice is good.

- Right. - Tyler is my Everest.

David is my Everest,

but Tyler is my Kilimanjaro.

And I'’m your camel, baby.

- Let'’s go. - Okay.

Hello.

- Hello. - Hi.

Why'’d you guys switch seats?

- We had a tampon emergency. - Mm-hmm.

Um, so, Mitch, ask me anything.

Uh... where'’s our food?

Oh, what am I on now, smug?

Sorry we took so long in the bathroom.

It takes me a while to take my underwear off,

'’cause my legs are so long.

Gotta take '’em down for days.

You don'’t have to put your underwear all the way on the ground.

[ whispers ] I do.

What am I insinuating?

That my vagina is really long?

More smug, be really smug.

I'’m not afraid of death!

Huh.

Lack of fear for one'’s mortality

is literally the most attractive quality a female can possess.

Well, I'’ve got it in spades.

I don'’t.

And so then I had this teacher in second grade,

Mrs. Harrington, who was a real bitch.

And so I wanted to, like, punch her in the face

at one point in my life, but I didn'’t do it.

I just asked you where you went to school.

Like for college.

Oh! Like, I thought you meant like the whole story.

- But anyway-- - Yeah, I just asked you where you went.

- Never mind. - This chump.

Sorry if the riveting tales of my youth bore you.

Yeah, in high school I used to summer in Sancerre.

That'’s in France.

- I, uh, I have relatives there. - What?

You didn'’t tell me that. I always thought you were Irish... nerd.

Well, I'’m a fascinating person.

Fancy, French relatives.

I have never been to France,

but I always wanted to live in Montmartre.

- [ French accent ] Montmartre. - Mon-martre.

[ French accent ] Montmartre.

I don'’t know how you'’re saying it.

[ French accent ] Montmartre.

[ French accent ] Montmartre.

It'’s a very guttural language.

- Okay. - You know, use the back of your throat a lot.

Where'’s your favorite place you'’re ever been?

June'’s having a blast with Tyler.

Maybe I didn'’t pick the wrong one.

I just should'’ve Golden Trio-ed him.

What is a blood oath anyway?

Okay, June, hit it.

Nice and easy.

Wow!

You have a pretty smile.

[ high-pitched humming ]

My God, it'’s beautiful!

What is-- What is that sound?

That sound? What sound? [ high-pitched humming ]

Am I having an aneurysm?

I heard aneurysms are an aphrodisiac.

[ high-pitched humming ]

Hey.

[ both high-pitched humming ]

What are you doing?

I'’m supposed to be SMUMing Tyler.

I'’ve changed my mind, June.

Read my thoughts through my eyes and my SMUM.

Okay, now I'’m totally confused.

- Kat, your tampon needs you! - What?

What are you doing?

You did so great!

You SMUMed like a boss

and you never mentioned your hormonal imbalance once.

I know. I mentioned it twice.

So now you can switch back.

No! No!

We'’re not switching back. That is insane!

I need more time with Kilimanjaro.

No, baby.

You were on the trio long enough.

Now it'’s time to jump off Kilimanjaro.

and re-ascend mount--

Damn it, what'’s another mountain?

She can'’t think of another mountain.

She loves that I can'’t think of another mountain.

Okay, we'’re not switching back, that'’s too weird.

You have to! Okay?

I knew Tyler was the one all along,

but now I knew it, know it.

In my heart, in my bones...

- Okay. - ...in my ovaries. Okay?

I gotta go full rug, tug, and smug on this, and you can'’t stop me.

I don'’t care.

Okay, we'’ll get one more. Mark my words.

Unless I change my mind and my word.

Yes!

Okay, this feels right.

Tyler.

So, June, do you like spinoffs?

Oh, don'’t get me started on "Joey."

- How are those nachos? - So good!

You know, I thought pork was out

'’cause people realize how smart pigs are, but--

- Oh, no, we'’re in a pig renaissance. - That'’s exactly the word

I was gonna use. That'’s crazy!

- [ chuckles ] - [ high-pitched humming ]

What are you doing?

Are you into the waitress now?

Maybe. [ high-pitched humming ]

Wait a minute.

Every time I talk to someone, you have to butt in.

David, the twins, Tyler, Mitch, the waitress.

You'’re not trying to get their attention.

You'’re trying to get mine.

That'’s ridiculous. Is that ridiculous?

Any time I have any sort of connection with someone

you have to break it up.

Oh, please, like I care.

You want me all to yourself.

I most certainly do not.

You'’re obsessed with me.

- I am not obsessed with you. - Yeah.

The only person I'’m obsessed with is Tyler.

He'’s my dream man.

[ nervous chuckle ]

Mm, ugly rock.

Mm. Mm. Mm!

- [ screams ] - [ groans ]

- Kat! - Holy shit!

Oh, why would the [ bleep ] you do that?

I'’m so sorry. I just was trying to do a playful tug.

You cannot handle The Golden Trio!

Shut up.

I can fix it, I can fix it.

- [ groans ] - Oh, my God!

[ screams ]

- Why are you all-- - Sorry.

Everything makes sense now.

I mean, I knew I was lovable, but this lovable?

June, this isn'’t about you.

- This is about my sweet baby boy. - [ grunts ]

I know I'’m a solitary being,

but if you ever wanna hang out sometime with me

just say, "I need you."

I don'’t need you.

- All I need is Tyler. - Please leave.

Hey, how about for a special treat tonight we go home,

sit on the couch, and watch "Handmaid'’s Tale" bloopers?

Aunt Lydia does have a great chortle.

No.

Okay, well, I'’m gonna go do that then.

June.

Maybe I can call you sometime?

I'’m sorry, Mitch.

You'’re not my mountain.

But tomorrow,

with the supplemental oxygen of The Golden Trio,

I will ascend Everest.

All right, fine. I'’m leaving now.

But when the swelling goes down...

- [ gasps ] - ...you know where to find me.

[ whispers ] Jesus Christ.

Hey, hey, I want my rock back.

This is it.

I'’ve had my practice.

I'’m a flirtation goddess.

It'’s time to Golden Trio plus one beautiful David.

Well, well, well!

Oh, hey.

There'’s a gutter problem you said?

- I'’m sure of it. - Cool.

Well, since you'’re out here, could you give me a hand?

All right, June, The Trio.

- I'’m pretty busy, but... okay. - Oh.

- Well, you know, if it'’s a problem-- - Shut your mouth!

I guess I can spare a second, you old man.

Oh, no!

Okay.

So, my ladder gets a little wobbly.

It helps if someone holds it.

Doesn'’t seem like The Trio'’s working.

Wait, what was it again?

"Diss, Kiss, Piss"?

You diss him, kiss him, then piss on him?

That can'’t be right.

Okay, so just hold it steady there, June.

Tug! Tug!

One was definitely tug!

- No. - Ha-ha, playful!

No, no. Hold it steady.

- Careful, careful! - What are you scared you'’re gonna fall...

- Um, a little bit. - ...and leave your kids alone?

Oh no! That was bad, that was very bad!

It looks like someone clogged these up on purpose.

- I don'’t know why. - Hey, guys.

Oh, thank God! Kat!

Kat will interrupt and save me with her stupid banter!

June.

Look at me giving June her space.

Take that, June. I'’m not butting in.

Butt in, Kat. Butt in. You always butt in.

No!