Original subtitles

- [ horn honking ] - [ gasps ]

- I've been so jumpy lately. - Me, too. I don't know why.

Maybe it's because something's in retrograde.

- Mercury? - No.

- But maybe we're just being paranoid. - Or maybe it's just like

- how scary the news is. - Yeah, I know.

I'm, like, freaked out, like, all the time.

Yeah.

- Okay, well, bye. - Okay, see ya.

Man: The fatal stab wound was a four inch laceration to her jugular.

Woman: Previously on "Murder Time," all that was left

- was an intestine and a shoe. - [ woman screaming ]

Ugh.

Someone brought in bagels. I'm so hungry.

If I get up now, Kev will want to talk.

I already said good morning. I have nothing else to offer.

He'll ask me what I did last night, which was nothing.

[ exhales ] I can't disappoint him again.

Hmm. I wonder how many are left.

Oh, they're probably all egg.

If my bathroom schedule is accurate,

Kev should be going any second now.

All right, I have two minutes 40 seconds to get my bagel

and back. No time to toast.

I was like, "Yeah, I'll put that in the suggestion box."

Little does she know, we don't have a suggestion box.

- [ laughter ] - Oh, Tiff.

Cream cheese on a blueberry bagel?

- What an adventurer. - Where are we gonna put those suggestions?

- [ laughter ] - Okay, just get the bagel and go.

I don't need a suggestion box to know that you guys are sad.

- I'm gonna uplift us. - Oh, damn them all to hell.

I went to facebook.com, where I get all my career advice,

and I saw a video about how to improve productivity and efficiency.

And the way you can do that is by adding a fun family environment to the workplace.

[ chuckles ] You said fun and family together like that's a thing.

It's-- it is a thing. I think that's a great idea.

And you know what? We're going to get rid of the cubicles.

Sweet God, no. I need my cubicle.

Break down the walls. Break down the barriers.

We're gonna have an open office plan

where we get to actually look at each other.

But I hate people looking at me.

- From the moment you walk in-- - What fresh hell is this?

I love boundaries. I hate broken down walls.

You will not be able to hide in this office anymore.

- Oh, hey, June. - [ nervous chuckles ]

- Yeah, everyone's gonna benefit from this, I can tell. - Yeah.

I have gathered you here to watch me burn what is left

from my time at the Lower Roscoe Theater Company.

- May they rot in hell. - Yes.

- Yes! Rot in hell. - Amen! Amen!

All my sweat and tears, all for naught.

- Ah. - Oh!

And this?

From my standout performance as "girl" in "The Crucible."

- Both: Oh. - A reviewer called it... loud.

Twins, storefront theater is a road to nowhere.

I am done with black box theater.

It's time to do something completely different.

- Accounting? - Corporate theater.

- Oh. - The three of us are gonna start our own theater company,

and I don't want any rinky-dink shit. I want to make money, baby.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, speaking our language.

But doing theater doesn't make money.

Yes, but teaching theater does.

I mean, these corporate theater people don't care about the art.

- They're in it for the clams. - Oh.

We'll be like Second City,

and we'll lure untalented people and teach them improv while sucking them dry.

- Yes. - Then we'll help boring office workers team build

and do trust fall bullshit,

and then we'll have bullying training.

- Yes! - Oh, my dream.

No. Like anti-bullying, not how to.

- Oh, right. - Okay, so we gotta come up with a great name.

- Like something catchy. - How about Catchy?

- Uh, but we also teach baseball. - That's not bad.

- I didn't think of that. - Hey, Kat.

- Huh? - Do you know where all the paper towels went?

- I just bought some. - I'm using them for the base of my fire.

Okay, well, I need them for work.

- To stuff into my sweaty armpits. - Fine.

But just take two 'cause this is a very important fire.

Mm, okay. Okay, here's an article against camaraderie in the workplace.

"Fear is the best way to lead."

See? At least someone agrees with me.

Oh, this is a Hitler quote. Never mind.

I don't understand what the big deal is.

They're trying to take away my cubicle.

Without my cubicle, there's nowhere for me to hide,

and then I'm forced to make small talk

and say things like, "Any fun plans this weekend?"

and notice people's haircuts. I can't do that.

Well, what's the deal with this open space bullshit?

They're trying to make us into a work family.

Like through forced bonding exercises?

- I guess. - That would be perfect.

- What? - Nothing.

I mean, a work family sounds great for you, June,

And it would bring you closer to Tiff.

No, no, no way, no way.

If we were a family, I'd probably be the weird uncle

who always got caught in a pyramid scheme.

That's who she reminds me of, Uncle Gerald.

Plus, the more forced interactions we have,

- the more Tiff will notice my idiosyncrasies. - Multitude of flaws.

What?

Okay, I have a very carefully crafted five-year plan

to befriend Tiff, and in order for this to work,

I need my cubicle.

- Wait, it's gonna take you five years? - I know. Fast.

- Wha--? - It starts with a look.

And then a few weeks later, we share a laugh by the microwave.

She'll say, "Hey, want to grab a glass of vino after work?"

This becomes a bimonthly tradition that everyone wants to join, but it's just us.

Then one night she'll feel a little sad and not want to go out,

so we'll binge watch all four seasons of "The Crown,"

even though I've already seen it.

Well, there's only two seasons.

By then, there'll be four.

The years of work culminate when I finally watch her walk down the aisle.

- Wait, you're marrying her? - No, I-- I'm her maid of honor.

[ chuckles ] Oh.

And even though burnt sienna is not my color,

I wore it... for Tiff.

Ugh. Now all I can see when I look at her is Uncle Gerald.

- How can someone not like white water rafting? - Oh, please, it's racist.

Hey, June, we're gonna eat outside if you want to join.

- It's a beautiful day. - Uh, yeah, maybe I will.

Great.

Nope. My meatballs may be too pungent.

Not a risk I can take. Bathroom is better.

- [ screams ] - Sorry. Whoa.

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I just had an audition down the street.

Wanted to see where you worked, where the magic happens.

- What? - It's pretty boring, but...

All right, well, I gotta go.

I'll see you at home. [ chuckles ]

Ow!

Oh.

What was that?

- [ screams ] - Dude, great idea.

- You are. - Uh, I don't think you were listening to me.

- I'm sorry. - I'm talking about your flyer.

"Office bonding. Thought this would be good for us, hugs and kisses, June."

I've never hugged and kisses in my life.

They have an opening tomorrow. Yeah!

Yes!

I'm going to kill Kat.

[ music playing ]

- What do you think you're doing? - Uh, I'm a feminist, okay?

- We can wear whatever we want. - No. Are you insane?

Insanely innovative? Yeah.

Look, you said you wanted bonding time in your workplace.

This is exactly what my company does.

No, I said the exact opposite of that.

This will be great for both of us.

I can condense your five-year plan

into a long day with a paid lunch break.

Improv games? Trust exercises?

This is my worst nightmare.

Okay, I thought you said your worst nightmare was being eaten by a dolphin.

It's the same thing. It's getting lulled into a false sense of security

and then being eaten alive.

Oh, there is something unnerving about the clicking.

- [ imitates dolphin ] - Stop it.

[ imitates dolphin loudly ]

- Stop it! - Okay. It won't be that bad.

You don't understand. It is exhausting

trying to keep up this normal facade.

Bad things happen when the focus is on me, okay?

If I reach critical mass, my-- my head gets really hot,

I start sweating an exorbitant amount,

I lose control, and I say things that I wouldn't normally say.

Trust me, okay? You do not want to see that happen.

You have to call and cancel.

Okay, look, June, it's gonna be fine.

I'm going to shine a light on the few regular parts of your personality

and keep all the rest hidden.

That's impossible and you know that.

Okay, June, if at any point you feel like it's not working

- or you're gonna lose it, I'll shut it down. - Yes.

- Okay. - Just say the word.

- What's the word? - Peacock.

No. I might say that conversationally.

- What? - Oh, here, uh, I have an idea.

How about you just don't do it, okay?

- I'm not gonna do it. - [ phone chiming ]

Okay, okay.

"Looking forward to tomorrow."

Oh, my sweet God, could it possibly be?

It's Tiff. She just texted me.

She looked me up in the company directory, found my name and number,

transcribed those ten numbers into her phone.

Do you know how much time that takes?

Not long at all.

Okay, I'll do it.

For real?

[ indistinct chatter ]

Okay, clap those hands! Whoo!

Let's clap those hands. We're about to learn some improv.

- Oh, this is gonna be so fun. - All right, let's get the party started!

- [ music playing ] - Yes! Yes! Yes!

[ clamoring ]

Whoo! Okay, twins.

Places. Okay.

Whoo! Yeah!

Oh, hey there, fellow stranger, that I do not know.

Why don't you come on and join us?

I guess this wasn't a great hiding spot.

Okay. [ clicking ]

All right, come on. Right, let's go.

Okay, panties.

All right. Today is the first day

of the rest of your life.

When you leave here today,

you will be bonded for life.

Okay, let's get to know each other.

I want everyone to state a fun fact about themselves, okay?

I'll go first. My name is Kat,

and I got a perfect score on my SATs.

Wow. That's very impressive.

That's blatantly false.

Hi, I'm Molly, and I remember my birth.

What am I gonna say? I don't have an interesting fact.

Oh, this is horrible.

- Uh, how about you? - Oh, uh, I'm Tiff, as you all know.

And my fun fact is that I love pasta.

See now, that is really unexpected.

Oh, Tiff, you're always full of surprises.

Why can't I find anything that interesting?

Okay, um, how about you?

Hi, I'm Claire, and I guess this is sort of interesting,

but when I was a kid, my appendix exploded.

Ugh, Claire must have played this game before.

- You are so brave. - All right, and... you, in the middle.

Oh, hello, um,

I am June, and my interesting fact

is that I, um...

um...

uh...

Okay, it's all right.

It's okay. You'll be fine.

Come on, quiet girl. Loosen up.

Like loosen it right here. Loosen it right here.

Just think Shakira, okay? And then here.

- Oh! - Are those paper towels?

Um, y-- yeah.

My interesting fact is that, uh,

I store paper towels in my shirt so if someone has a spill,

I can clean it up.

You idiot! Who is possibly gonna buy that?

That's actually really smart.

- Zip. - Zap.

- Zot. - Zip.

These corporate zombies are eating this up,

and I'm the one who's feeding them.

- Zip. - Zap.

- Zop. - That's it.

I'll just look down the rest of the day.

They can't zip or zap or zop me

if they can't see my eyes.

- Zop. Oh! - Zorp.

- Oh! I said zorp. - You said zorp.

- What's zorp? - Zorp.

I win. I am the champion.

Oh, wouldn't it be funny if I got a trophy?

Like if someone brought one to work tomorrow that just said "number one."

Like that you could buy at the drug store.

You know, just like if they did it as a joke.

Okay, uh, great job, everyone.

Now it's time to start a little game called "Story Conductor,"

where we'll work as a team to tell a story.

And I will be your god.

I will point at you whenever it's your turn

to make a sentence in the story.

I'll start. Mary went to the market.

Mary went to the market to get some special ingredients

for her special dinner with her special man.

And it was a special night because Mary knew

that her boyfriend, Teddy, was going to propose.

- [ squeals ] - That's my three-year hand clasp.

But first, Mary and Teddy had to take a quick trip to Bone town.

[ laughter ]

I have to shut this down.

Unfortunately, as they were disrobing,

Mary's appendix exploded and she died.

Only to be revived by Teddy, who happened to be a doctor.

What are the chances that Teddy's a doctor?

Months later, there was a wedding on a beautiful spring day,

and she was surrounded by all her family and friends.

And with her maid of honor, Tiff, by her side.

And it was the best day of her entire life.

- And everyone boned, the end. - Yeah!

But not the end because then they got a divorce.

- They would never! - June, no!

They lived happily ever after until they were 97 and 99 years old,

- and then they died. - In a murder-suicide.

June, you're ruining it!

[ quietly ] As the story conductor, I'm conducting the story.

All right, Kat, you told me to tell you if it's not working,

- it's not working. - It's actually working really well.

No, it's not working for me.

All right, I'm just gonna say it.

Peacock.

- Word! - I'm sorry, June, I can't stop.

When I told you that before,

I was a mere mortal.

And now, I'm a god.

What? Th-- this isn't you.

Kat, you-- you like plays that make no sense

and offending audiences with your honesty.

Okay, that was before.

The old Kat is dead.

The new Kat?

Well, she's corporate, baby.

Corporate Kat must die.

There's only one thing to do.

Okay. Let's see what we have here.

[ indistinct chatter ]

This is going way better than expected.

- Mm-hmm. - I think they're ready for more extreme bonding.

- Seven Minutes In Heaven. - No, I think that's illegal.

- One Minute In Heaven. - No.

It's time to play... First Thoughts.

- Twins: Ooh. - Are they ready?

Do you defy your leader?

- No. Mm-mm. - No.

- Okay, Hannah? - Yes?

I want you to look at Econ and say the first thing that comes to mind.

- Like the first thing? - Yeah.

Okay, close your eyes.

Okay. Now...

open.

Econ, you look anywhere from 27 to 61 years old.

- What? - Such raw honesty. Okay, Claire?

- Yes. - Let's do the same. Close your eyes.

Rich, I wish I never slept with you.

- [ all gasping ] - Claire, what the hell?

- Um, maybe we should go back to Story. - No, it's okay. We'll move on.

Tiff, what's the first thing that comes to mind when you look at Claire?

That she slept with Rich. That's disgusting.

Okay, get over yourself. You slept with Kev.

I was in a dark place.

Yeah, I was too.

Uh-oh. Maybe they weren't ready.

Whatever.

Okay. All right, this is great team-building right now.

Maybe we should take a break.

- [ gasps ] - Hello, Kat.

It's me, the old Kat.

The real Kat.

The old, real Kat.

who would have scoffed at teaching improv

to boring office workers.

Okay, get out of here, June. These people are eating out of the palm of my hands.

This is my calling, man.

You know that's not true.

Your-- your passion isn't making people bond and have fun.

You like being booed off stage.

You thrive off the jeers.

Do not listen to this siren's song. She's going to crack.

You don't like making work families.

You like tearing families apart.

Ah, damn her. I do.

Look at this. Look.

This is hundreds and hundreds of dollars.

This is what I'm about now.

That's dirty money.

Uh!

That was so cool.

I bet she thought that was cool.

- Good-bye, June. - No, wait, Kat.

- Please, I-- I-- I-- I can't do this. - Okay, yeah.

Pull!

[ all clamoring ]

June, what are you wearing?

Wow, June, you are weirder than I ever knew.

- What happened in there? - I don't know.

[ murmuring indistinctly ]

[ dolphin squeaking ]

[ slow-motion muttering ]

- June? - June?

June?

June is cray.

Oh, June is cray, all right.

Want to know some fun facts about June?

Okay, um, sometimes I take tiny little bites

of other people's lunches because it makes me feel alive.

I knew someone was tampering with my couscous.

I was just one cous.

Oh, I'm sorry. That wasn't a fun fact.

Let's do a fun fact. Um, when I was a baby,

I was a formula-fed baby because my mother had reconstructive surgery

on her giant areolas.

Oh, no. She's reached critical mass. Good-bye, Wall Street.

But formula is delicious, so ha-freaking-ha.

I have to stop this. Create a diversion.

Claire had an affair with Rich. Claire's a whore!

All: Yeah!

No, it was not an affair. It was just terrible sex, okay?

Well, maybe if you had paid attention

to my sexual harassment PowerPoint,

none of this would have happened.

It was all words, Hannah,

for 54 minutes. Coulda thrown in some clip art.

Guys, stop. This is tearing us apart.

- I've loved you, Tiff. - Hey, we're supposed to be a family.

Yeah, let's just all take a breath here, okay?

Yeah, let's just all-- let's just all take a breath.

Let's just all take a breath. Um...

Shut up, Claire.

Okay, I was supposed to talk Tiff down the aisle. Me.

Okay, we're putting the cubicles back up.

I win.

By God, that was art.

[ music playing ]

- What are you doing? - Just trying not to remember today.

[ chuckles ] I'm sorry about today, June.

I tried to keep you hidden, but nobody puts baby in a corner.

I actually really like corners.

That's weird. So I know that I kinda screwed things up

with the five-year Tiff plan and--

Surprisingly, I actually, um, thought this might happen,

- so, um... - Okay.

I have, like, a little backup plan...

- Of course you do. - ...which, um, ends up being seven years instead,

where I'm not actually in her wedding,

but I do throw her a pretty great baby shower.

Yeah, of course you do. Cool.

Well, that sounds like a great plan.

- Yeah. - You know what, June?

I have to tell you.

You were right.

I'm ripping it up.

No, Kat, that's hundreds and hundreds of dollars.

- I'm ripping it. - Wha--

Oh, boy.

It's dirty money. And you know what else?

You inspired me today.

Your crazy ass inspired me to start a new theater company.

We're called Fuck Fear.

- Wow. - Yeah.

That is a lot.

- Yeah. - Very strong.

- I know. Sturdy. - Bold. For no reason.

The words have a lot of girth, which I like.

- Mm, I wouldn't use that word. - Okay.

For now, here I am to remind you...

about who you are.

But also, I'm, like, really curious

to know what they taste like.

Oh, what?

Here's to what made you who you are.

- Cheers. - You're welcome.

Oh, God, that's horrible.

It's so... not good. Yucky!

Oh, you got some on your mouth. I'll get it.

Don't worry.

Wow, she really did believe that.

- Are those from your armpit? - Sure is.