Original subtitles

(squeals)

HYAH!

I THINK IT'S A TIE.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME. MY KICK IS SO MUCH HIGHER THAN HIS.

I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A REAL JUDGE FOR THIS. (sighs)

SO... NATHAN WAS BULLIED AT SCHOOL YESTERDAY.

WHAT?! NO ONE PICKS ON MY NEPHEW.

WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, TOO,

BUT THEN THERESA AND I TALKED ABOUT IT,

AND SHE HELPED ME REALIZE THAT

MY THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND OPINIONS WERE... WRONG.

THAT IS A LESSON YOU KEEP LEARNING, MY FRIEND.

WE TOLD NATHAN THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH THE BULLY

IS TO IGNORE HIM.

THE HIGH ROAD IS THE GUY ROAD.

WE ALSO TRIED TO COME UP WITH A RHYME TO MAKE IT SOUND COOL.

YOU DID NOT SUCCEED.

WHEN I WAS BULLIED IN SCHOOL, MY DAD MADE ME CONFRONT THE GUY,

AND THEN THE GUY BEAT ME UP AGAIN FOR CONFRONTING HIM,

AND SO MY DAD MADE ME CONFRONT HIM AGAIN,

AND THEN THE GUY BEAT ME UP AGAIN,

AND THEN MY DAD THREW AN EMPTY BEER CAN AT ME

FOR USING THE PHRASE "VICIOUS CYCLE."

(whispers) CLASSIC. MY OLD MAN ALSO BELIEVED IN CONFRONTATION,

BUT THERESA HELPED ME REALIZE THAT "IT'S A DIFFERENT AGE.

NO NEED FOR RAGE."

I HATE YOUR RHYMES A WHOLE DAMN BUNCH,

SO CRAIG AND I... ARE OFF TO LUNCH.

SO...

I HEAR YOU GOT PICKED ON BY SOME NE'ER-DO-WELL AT SCHOOL.

WHAT'D HE DO, LAUGH AT YOUR FUNNY GLASSES?

YOUR GOOFY HAIRCUT? YOUR HEIGHT? THE WAY YOU TALK?

KENNY. SORRY.

IT WAS YOUR EARS, WASN'T IT?

NO. HE SAID THAT I LOOKED LIKE THE IGUANA IN OUR BIOLOGY CLASS.

THEN HE PUSHED ME DOWN.

WHOA, WHOA.WHAT?

UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU HAVE AN IGUANA IN YOUR BIOLOGY CLASS?

UM, YEAH.

ANYWAY, SO AFTER HE PUSHED ME DOWN,

HE THREW MY BACKPACK IN THE TRASH CAN.

(sighs)

COLD-BLOODED. BIG-TIME.

I'M SAYING REPTILES ARE COLD-BLOODED.

HAVE YOU TOUCHED THIS THING?

I PICTURE IT SLIPPERY BUT NOT SLIMY.

FORGET THE IGUANA. WHO IS THIS KID?

DOESN'T MATTER WHO THE KID IS. SITUATION'S BEEN DEFUSED. (door opens and closes)

KID? ARE WE TRASHING A KID? 'CAUSE I WANT IN.

THERE IS NO KID.

I HEARD YOU TALKING ABOUT A KID WHEN WE WALKED IN.

MM.

I HAVE ACUTE SENSES. (sniffs)

AND ALSO, CRAIG SWITCHED SHAMPOOS.

MAN, I HATE BULLIES.

THEY'RE MEAN, INSENSITIVE, AND AGGRESSIVE.

NOW WHO'S THEPUNK

THAT SAID MY NEPHEW WALKS LIKE ADUCK?!

ALL RIGHT, KIDS, MOMMY'S ABOUT TO FREAK OUT THE ADULTS.

GO WAIT OUTSIDE FOR AUNT BRENDA TO TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL.

(door opens and closes)

LOOK, THE NAME OF THE KID IS NOT IMPORTANT,

BUT THE MOTHER IS INCREDIBLYIMPORTANT.

SHE IS A VERY INFLUENTIAL MEMBER OF THE SCHOOL BOARD,

AND I NEED HER ON MY SIDE

BECAUSE I AM LOBBYING THEM THIS WEEK TO SAVE THE SCIENCE CLUB.

WHAT?! SCIENCE CLUB'S IN TROUBLE?!

(gasps loudly) I'M SORRY.

I'M TRYING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT THIS.

I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE NOT SUCKING UP TO SHARON EASTERLING, ARE YOU?

I WOULDN'T SAY "SUCKING UP."

I'M MERELY SHOWERING HER WITH UNNECESSARY COMPLIMENTS

AND GIFT CARDS TO ACHIEVE MY GOALS.

OHH, PERFECT.

SUCKING UP, JUST LIKE HIGH SCHOOL.

THAT'S NOT TRUE. SHARON AND I WERE FRIENDS.

YEAH? WELL, YOURFRIEND SPREAD THE RUMOR

THAT I MADE OUT WITH THE SCHOOL JANITOR,

AND YOU NEVER STOOD UP FOR ME.

WELL, THE TWO OF YOU DID HAVE COLD SORES AT THE SAME TIME.

IT WAS A COINCIDENCE.

WE JUST BOTH MADE OUT WITH THAT FRENCH EXCHANGE STUDENT PIERRE.

SO PEOPLE THINK YOU SLEPT

WITH SOME SUPER OLD, BISEXUAL CUSTODIAN.

LET ITGO.

ISHOULD LET IT GO? DO YOU KNOW

WHO SHARON EASTERLING IS MARRIED TO?

AND THIS IS WHERE THE ADULTS FREAK OUT.

DENNIS MAYDER.

(pounds countertop) MAYDER!

AAH!

OH! THE BULLY'S DAD IS DENNIS MAYDER?!

DENNIS MAYDER?

SO THAT'S WHY YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TELL ME WHO THE DAD WAS.

MAY I BE HONEST WITH YOU ALL?

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOUR SHARED HISTORY

MAKES ME FEEL LIKE AN OUTSIDER.

DENNIS MAYDER WAS THE BIGGEST JERK IN JUNIOR HIGH.

THANK YOU. I FEEL BETTER ALREADY. YEAH.

DENNIS WAS ALWAYS SAYING STUFF THAT GOT IN YOUR HEAD,

LIKE--LIKE I HAD LADY HIPS

AND THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T RUN FAST.

(whistles)

I KNOW. IT'S INSANE.

CLASSIC MAYDER.

SO THE BULLY HAD A LITTLE BULLY.

I'M GONNA TALK TO DENNIS. IT'S TIME TO BREAK THIS CYCLE.

YEAH, WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING-- SOMETHIN' STUPID.

LISTEN TO ME.

NATHAN AND THE MAYDER KID HAD A LITTLE INCIDENT,

AND NOW IT IS OVER, AND I NEED SHARON ON MY SIDE

BECAUSE NATHAN LOVES THAT SCIENCE CLUB.

SONOBODYIS DOING ANYTHING.

FINE. THAT GUY GETS TO ME.

YOU KNOW, HE ONCE SAID THAT MY HEAD WAS, LIKE, 98% FACE.

I KNOW.

IT'S INSANE.

TARGET ACQUIRED.

I'M GONNA GO SCARE THE HELL OUT OF THAT KID.

I'M GONNA GO TOUCH THAT IGUANA.

(imitates explosion)

(children yelling playfully)

(Kenny) HEY!

YOU D.J. MAYDER? THE KID THAT BULLIED NATHAN KEEN?

YEAH. HE'S MY NEPHEW.

OH, I SEE WHERE HE GETS HIS GIANT EARS FROM.

YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR MOUTH, PUNK.

OR WHAT?

OR MAYBE I WATCH ITFORYOU.

YOU WANNA STARE AT MY MOUTH? WHAT KIND OF A PERSON ARE YOU?

WHAT? NO! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WHAT, THAT YOU'RE GONNA HIT ME?

UH, MAYBE!

I'M A KID.

YOU TOUCH ME, YOU GO RIGHT TO JAIL.

COME ON.DOSOMETHIN'.

DO SOMETHIN'!

I'M GONNA TOUCH YOU.

I'M SORRY. CAN I HELP YOU?

OH, NO, I JUST CAME TO, UH-- OH, YOU MUST BE BRANDON'S DAD.

I'M SORRY. DID YOU NOT GET MY MESSAGE?

I HAD TO CANCEL OUR MEETING TODAY. I HAVE JUST BEEN SWAMPED.

NO, NO. I JUST--I WAS-- I'D LOVE TO FIND SOME TIME

WHEN YOU AND I CAN SIT AND TALK ABOUT BRANDON.

HE'S BEEN A LITTLE QUIET IN CLASS LATELY,

PROBABLY BECAUSE OF... YOUR DIVORCE.

(chuckles) LOOK, I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOU,

UM...

THIS DIVORCE HAS BEEN HARD ON ALL OF US.

I JUST MET THE CUTEST TEACHER,

AND SHE AND I ARE GOING TO DINNER TOGETHER.

ALSO, I HAVE A SON NAMED BRANDON AND HE'S STRUGGLING.

(seat belt clicks)

YOU OKAY?

THAT MAYDER KID IS SO MEAN.

HE SAID I LOVE TURDS.

BUT YOU HATE TURDS.

I KNOW!

SO THAT ALSO MAKES HIM ALIAR! (starts engine)

(tires peal)

HEY. WHERE'S MOM?

OH, SHE'S JUST INSIDE,

HANGING FLIERS FOR THAT, UH, SCHOOL BOARD THING.

SO TELL ME, HOW WAS IT TODAY? DID D.J. PICK ON YOU?

NO, IT WAS FINE.

HE EVEN APOLOGIZED TO ME AFTER CLASS.

I THINK MOM CALLED HIS MOM OR SOMETHING.

OKAY. WELL, SEE?

THE HIGH ROAD IS THE GUY-- (smack)

(ball bouncing) WHAT THE HELL?

OH, I'M SORRY. ONE OF MY BALLS HIT YOUR FACE.

YOU WANNA HAVE YOUR WIFE CALL MY WIFE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT?

DENNIS MAYDER.

UH-HUH, THAT'S RIGHT.

AND DENNIS MAYDER WOULD APPRECIATE

IF IN THE FUTURE OUR KIDS HAVE A PROBLEM,

YOU CALL ME DIRECTLY, DEAL WITH IT LIKE A MAN.

WHAT'S UP, BUDDY? I GOT NO BEEF WITH YOU, OKAY?

HERE'S A JUICE BOX.

THIS ISN'T JUICE.

THIS IS JUICE DRINK. AND WE PREFER NATHAN DOESN'T

HAVE THESE TYPES OF SUGARY BEVERAGES

UNLESS IT'S A SPECIAL OCCASION.

(juice box thuds) GOOD ONE, DAD.

HEY, ANYBODY EVER TELL YOU, YOU LOOK LIKE CURIOUS GEORGE?

OH! REALLY? (mouths words)

WELL, DID ANYBODY EVER TELLYOU...THAT...

THAT THE HIGH ROAD IS THE GUY ROAD?

HEY, D-MAN.

OOH. GIVE A HUG, LADY BUG.

MMM.

OOH.

GIVE A SMOOCH, LADY... POOCH.

OKAY.

GUESS WHO I RAN INTO AND INVITED OVER FOR DINNER TOMORROW

TO TALK ABOUT SCIENCE CLUB?

REMEMBER HOW IMPORTANT THAT IS TO NATHAN,

BECAUSE HE LOVES SCIENCE? AND TO ME?

AND YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT?

OR MAYBE WE DECIDE TO GO IN ANOTHER DIRECTION?

AND THEN WE CIRCLE BACK AND DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANNA DO?

I'M IN.

(Dennis, Sharon, and Theresa laugh)

IT'S NOT THAT BRANDON'S NOT A GOOD BOY.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HE'S THE BEST, THAT KID.

OHH! I LOVE HIM.

I THINK HE'S JUST HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, WE'RE ALL HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE RIGHT NOW.

FOR HIM, IT'S FOCUSING ON HIS SCHOOLWORK.

FOR ME, IT'S HAVING NO ONE THERE TO BAKE BREAD FOR,

LOOK AT A SUNSET WITH,

LIE NEXT TO BY A CRACKLING FIRE.

REALLY? YOU BAKE YOUR OWN BREAD?

WELL, IT'S A HOBBY OF MINE. I HAVE A FEW.

I PLAY SOME INSTRUMENTS, ORGANIC GARDENING,

ALWAYS FIX ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE RIGHT AWAY

IF IT BREAKS.

YOU'RE A FASCINATING MAN, BRUCE.

PLEASE, CALL ME CRAIG.

WHY?

IT'S A NICKNAME.

SO THEN MAYDER TELLS ME-- GET THIS--

THAT I LOOK LIKE CURIOUS GEORGE.

I KNOW. IT'S INSANE.

AND NOW I HAVE TO HAVE DINNER WITH THIS GUY.

I SWEAR, IF THERESA DIDN'T NEED

THIS SCHOOL BOARD THING TO GO WELL, I WOULD DECK HIM.

YOU KNOW WHO I'D DECK? THAT BASTARD KID OF HIS.

THE BABY?

NO, NOT THE BABY. D.J.--DUMB JERK.

OH, I SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT!

I HAVE A SUGGESTION.

IT SEEMS THAT DENNIS TRIES TO GET THE BEST OF YOU WITH HIS...

RIDICULOUSLY UNTRUE COMMENTS ABOUT YOUR PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY TO DEFEAT HIM

BY USING HIS ENERGY AGAINST HIM.

WOW. THAT'S PRETTY DEEP.

IS THAT SOME SORT OF EASTERN THING?

YES. I LEARNED IT FROM A SHERPA NAMED MOMO.

HUH.

HE CUTS THE GRASS AT MY APARTMENT BUILDING.

WILL, IF YOU AGREE WITH WHATEVER DENNIS SAYS,

YOU WILL DULL HIS MAIN ATTACK BLADE, RENDERING HIM IMPOTENT.

USE HIS ENERGY AGAINST HIM...

THAT MAKES SENSE!

GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT I AM GONNA MAKE A MAN IMPOTENT.

(door closes)

(sighs) AND, KENNY?

YOU NEED TO GET REVENGE ON THAT KID.

SERIOUSLY?

(laughs) YES!

BUT YOU JUST SAID THAT WILL SHOULD--

NO, KENNY AND WILL'S PATHS ARE DIFFERENT.

WILL'S IS THE HIGH ROAD. KENNY'S IS THE LOW ROAD.

MY PHILOSOPHY IS DO WHATYOUNEED TO DO TO HEAL.

SEEMS LIKE YOUR PHILOSOPHY JUST LETS YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I ASK THE UNIVERSE, AND THE UNIVERSE ANSWERS.

SEE, THAT JUST SOUNDS LIKE

YOU'RE DESCRIBING THE PROCESS OF THINKING.

WHO CARES? HE JUST GAVE ME THE GREEN LIGHT FOR REVENGE.

OKAY.

WHAT DOES YOUR PHILOSOPHY SAY ABOUT LYING TO A WOMAN YOU LIKE

ABOUT BEING THE FATHER OF A CHILD

WHO'S GOING THROUGH A BRUTAL DIVORCE

ANDMAKING HER THINK YOU'RE THE SECOND COUSIN

OF THAT REALLY GOOD-LOOKING, SLEEPY, PALE GUY

FROM THE "TWILIGHT" MOVIES?

THE UNIVERSE WILL NOT STAND IN THE WAY OF WHAT THE HEART WANTS.

I LIKE THIS UNIVERSE. ALL RIGHT. KENNY, WHAT'S THE PLAN?

ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, I GOT FOUR WORDS FOR YOU--

TOY, LET, PAY, PER.

TOY, LET, PAY, PER.

TOY, LET, PAY, PER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

TOILET PAPER.

OH. IT'S TWO WORDS.

WE ARE GOING TO TOILET PAPER THIS PUNK'S HOUSE...

DOUBLE PLY. (cackles)

ACTUALLY, THAT'S MORE EXPENSIVE.

SINGLE PLY. (cackles)

THANKS AGAIN FOR DOING THIS DINNER.

IT'LL ONLY BE A COUPLE HOURS.

JUST BE KIND, DON'T LET HIM GET TO YOU--

HONEY, THE LONGER WE TALK, THE LONGER THE DRUMMING GOES ON.

"HOT FOR TEACHER." ALEX VAN HALEN. IN YOUR FACE.

HI. HELLO.

COME ON IN.

HEY. HERE YOU GO.

I WAS GONNA BRING BANANAS, BUT I FIGURED

YOU GOT PLENTY OF THOSE FROM THE MAN WITH THE YELLOW HAT.

(chuckles) THAT'S CLEVER, DENNIS.

BUT I WAS LOOKING IN THE MIRROR EARLIER, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

IDOLOOK LIKE CURIOUS GEORGE.

OH.

WELL, YEAH, YOU DO.

ANYWAY, MIGHT WANT TO LET THAT MERLOT BREATHE, NERD.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP. WE ARE IN TOILET PAPER MODE.

THREE ROLLS TO A TREE, KEEP THE BUNCHING TO A MINIMUM,

WE'RE IN, WE'RE OUT, STAY FOCUSED, NO DISTRACTIONS.

DUDE, CHECK IT OUT. DENNIS HAS A SICK MAN CAVE.

OHH.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP. WE ARE IN MAN CAVE MODE.

WE'RE GONNA PLAY SOME VIDEO GAMES,

HAVE A COUPLE BEERS, AND THEN WE'RE OUT OF THERE.

STAY FOCUSED, NO DISTRACTIONS.

(thud) LET'S GO.

IT'S JUST, SCIENCE CLUB IS SO IMPORTANT TO MY SON,

AND IT'S CHANGED LIVES. IN FACT, DO YOU REMEMBER BRENDA CUTTY?

YOU MEAN "SLUTTY CUTTY"? "THE LEGEND OF BIG-SLUT"?

(laughs)

RIGHT. YOU USED TO CALL HER THAT.

WELL, SHE WAS SO INSPIRED BY SCIENCE CLUB

THAT NOW SHE'S A REGISTERED NURSE.

REMEMBER WHEN SHE GOT THAT COLD SORE FROM RUDY,

THAT SUPER OLD JANITOR WHO LIKED TO SWEEP

ON BOTH SIDES OF THE HALLWAY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YES!

(both laugh)

THAT WAS SO FUNNY.

SO...

IS YOUR MOM STILL A FATTY?

HUGE.

SHE'S SO FAT, WHEN SHE CUTS HERSELF, GRAVY COMES OUT.

OKAY. THAT WAS MINE. I WAS GONNA SAY THAT.

(chuckles) YEAH.

WHY ARE YOU GRINNING?

I'M HAVING A SURPRISINGLY GOOD TIME TONIGHT. HMM.

UH, THEN IT WOULDN'T ANNOY YOU

IF I MAKE A LITTLE DOCUMENTARY... (beep)

ABOUT YOUR LAME HOUSE AND YOUR PASTY FACE?

OOH, AND ALL THESE STUPID BASKETS.

ARE THESE BASKETS WHERE YOU KEEP ALL YOUR UNREALIZED DREAMS?

YEAH. I HAVEN'T ACHIEVED ANYTHING I SET OUT TO DO.

I'M PRETTY MUCH A FAILURE.

SO HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR MEAT, DENNIS?

CHEF'S CHOICE.

IT WAS AMAZING. GRANT'S ADVICE WORKED PERFECTLY.

IT DROVE DENNIS CRAZY.

LET ME ASK YOU TWO SOMETHING.

DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TOO MANY BASKETS IN OUR KITCHEN?

I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU. YOU GOT A LOT OF BASKETS.

IT'S LIKE EASTER SUNDAY IN THERE.

BUT GUESS WHAT WE DID LAST NIGHT?

WE WENT OVER TO DENNIS' WITH 144 ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER...

(cackles) AND THEN WE GOT DISTRACTED.

(dance music playing) LEFT FOOT, LEFT FOOT, LEFT FOOT, RIGHT, RIGHT,

CROSS, CROSS, CROSS, CROSS, CROSS...

YOU GUYS SNUCK IN THERE?

YEAH, WE WERE TOTALLY INEFFECTIVE.

BUT DON'T WORRY. WE'RE GOING BACK TONIGHT.

NOT TO T.P., THOUGH.

HE'S GOT A BLU-RAY PLAYER, SO WE'RE GONNA WATCH A MOVIE.

MAYBE "MONSTERS, INC."

OOH.

(computer alert chimes)

OH. (typing)

UGH. E-MAIL FROM DENNIS.

"HEY, BASKETS, DINNER SUCKED. I POSTED THIS ONLINE."

(dance music playing)

I LOVE YOUR MEAT. I LOVE YOUR MEAT.

LOVE--LOVE--I LOVE YOUR MEAT.

MEAT--MEAT--MEAT-- MEAT--MEAT--MEAT--I'M A DOUCHE.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

I'VE NEVER PLEASED A WOMAN.

NO! I-I WAS NEUTRALIZING HIM,

I WAS DULLING HIS BLADE LIKE GRANT TOLD ME TO.

OH, IT'S GOOD MEAT, WILL.

HERE, TRY A PIECE, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.

MMM.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. THIS IS WAR.

HE HAS NO IDEA WHO HE'S DEALING WITH.

I'M A TINY LITTLE GIRL. TINY--TINY--

I'M A TINY LITTLE GIRL. IT'S A LITTLE BASKET!

TISKET--TASKET--BASKET! TISKET--TASKET--BAS--

(TV playing indistinctly)

I FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THIS.

WHAT? THE GUYS? THEY'RE NOT WATCHING.

I JUST FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD TELL BRANDON THAT WE'RE DATING.

NO, NO, IT'S FINE.

IN FACT, LAST NIGHT,

I WAS TUCKING THAT LITTLE RASCAL INTO BED.

HE SAYS TO ME, "DADDY, I RECOGNIZE THAT YOU HAVE NEEDS.

"YOU CAN DATE WHOEVER YOU WANT.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT."

SHALL WE?

THEN WE DID THIS, THEN WE DID THIS,

THEN WE ALMOST GOT THE HIGH SCORE,

BUT THEN WE DIDN'T.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO RECONSIDER CALLING THAT A STORY.

WE ALSO ALL TOOK TURNS SITTING IN HIS MASSAGE CHAIR.

YOU WANT TO HEAR THAT STORY?

I THINK I JUST DID.

AW, THANKS FOR COMING TO SUPPORT ME, GUYS.

SO WHEN I TALK ABOUT SCIENCE CLUB,

I NEED EVERYBODY NODDING,

AN OCCASIONAL WHOOP. (men) WHOOP!

OH! THAT WAS GOOD.

THEN, BRENDA, YOU STAND UP WHEN I TALK ABOUT

HOW IT INFLUENCED YOU TO BECOME A NURSE.

SCIENCE CLUB? (men) WHOOP!

I HATED SCIENCE CLUB. (men) WHOOP!

I WAS SURROUNDED BY NERD VIRGINS

WHO'D RATHER TOUCH A DEAD FROG THAN A LIVE GIRL.

HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN DENNIS YET?

WILL, WILL, WILL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'VE HAD IT, THERESA. YOU SAW THE REMIX.

IT'S SOME STUPID VIDEO.

LOOK, I KNOW THIS IS HARD, BUT PLEASE, FOR ME,

DON'T SAY ANYTHING UNTIL AFTER THE MEETING.

THIS IS BIGGER THAN ANY OF US. IT'S SCIENCE CLUB.

(men) WHOOP!

(whispers) THANKS, GUYS.

(amplified voice) AND WHILE I KNOW MONEY'S TIGHT,

KEEPING KIDS EXCITED ABOUT SCIENCE

IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS A SCHOOL CAN DO.

(murmuring) (man) THAT'S RIGHT.

(clears throat, amplified voice) HI. I'M DENNIS MAYDER.

I'D LIKE TO MAKE A COUNTER-PROPOSAL.

I BELIEVE THESE FUNDS SHOULD GO TOWARD

STOCKING THE CAFETERIA WITH MORE MEAT.

I HAPPEN TO KNOW THERE'S SOMEONE HERE WHO REALLY LIKES MEAT.

OKAY. GETTING BACK TO THE TOPIC...

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT

MY FRIEND BRENDA HAYDEN WAS SO INFLUENCED BY SCIENCE CLUB...

(both) WHOOP! THAT SHE BECAME A NURSE.

MM-HMM. (under breath) I HEARD SHE BECAME A NURSE

FOR THE FREE ANTIBIOTICS.

EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL YOU COULD FIND BRENDA IN SCIENCE CLUB.

(Kenny, Craig, and Grant) WHOOP! YEAH, TRYING TO FIND A CURE FOR CUSTODIAN HERPES. (laughs)

(clears throat)

I'M SORRY, SHARON.

IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, WHY DON'T YOU SAY IT OUT LOUD

INSTEAD OF MUTTERING IT LIKE AN OVERGROWN 15-YEAR-OLD?

(all) OOH.

(clears throat) UH, I'D LIKE TO MAKE A MOTION

THAT WILL KEEN CONTROL HIS HUSBAND.

(all) OOH. LOOK, I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE.

I'M JUST VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT THE SCIENCE CLUB...

WHOOP! AND VERY FRUSTRATED.

UH, YOU'VE GOT A PASSIONATE, FRUSTRATED WOMAN THERE, WILL.

THAT'S TELLING ME YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE JOB DONE.

(laughter)

(normal voice, sighs) SCREW THIS.

YOU WANT TO GO AFTER THAT GUY, DO IT.

I'LL FIND A DIFFERENT WAY TO FUND SCIENCE CLUB.

(Kenny, Craig, and Grant) WHOOP!

(amplified voice) AND ANOTHER THING, SHARON--

BRENDA DIDN'T MAKE OUT WITH THAT JANITOR.

THEY ACCIDENTALLY SHARED A FRENCH LOVER.

THAT'S HOW SHE GOT MOUTH HERPES. (inhales and exhales sharply)

(lowered voice) I'M SORRY I DIDN'T DEFEND YOU 20 YEARS AGO.

AND EVEN MORE SORRY HOW I WORDED YOUR DEFENSE JUST NOW.

THAT'S OKAY. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO GO TO BAT FOR ME.

NOW I'LL NEVER WANT THAT AGAIN.

(microphone feedback whines) (amplified voice) I'D LIKE TO GET THIS BACK ON TOPIC.

IF WE DO FUND THE SCIENCE CLUB, THE FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS

SHOULD BE BUYING A MORE POWERFUL MICROSCOPE

SO DENNIS MAYDER CAN FINALLY FIND HIS WIENER.

(jeers and laughter)

WHOOP! (banging table)

I THINK WE SHOULD SPEND MORE MONEY ON CHEERLEADING,

AND WILL WOULD MAKE A GREAT ANCHOR FOR THE PYRAMID

BECAUSE OF HIS LADY HIPS.

(laughter)

I'M SURPRISED DENNIS DOESN'T SUPPORT THE SCIENCE CLUB

SO HE CAN BUILD A TIME MACHINE, GO BACK TO 1991,

AND NOT GET CAUGHT SMACKING TAFFY

AT RICHIE TIZZARD'S SLEEPOVER.

(laughter)

DUDE, WE WERE ALL AWAKE.

SHUT UP, RICHIE!

I'M SORRY, FOLKS, UH, DENNIS IS A LITTLE FLUSTERED TONIGHT,

JUST LIKE WHEN HE FUMBLED

THE GAME-WINNING TOUCHDOWN AGAINST GRANDVIEW.

(crowd) OOH.

(woman) HO HO HO. OH, SNAP.

I DIDN'T FUMBLE THAT. MY KNEE WAS DOWN.

YEAH, YOUR KNEE WAS DOWN A LOT THAT SEASON, AS I REMEMBER.

(crowd) OHH!

THAT'S IT. YOU'RE DEAD. RICHIE, GET THIS BABY OFF ME.

COME ON. UNSNAP IT.

THERE'S A PLASTIC "V" RIGHT IN MY BACK.

JUST UNHOOK IT RIGHT NOW. COME ON. GET IT OFF ME.

DUDE, THERE'S NO "V."

YOU CAN DO IT, RICHIE.

IT'S THE SAME WAY YOU TAKE OFF HIS BRA.

(laughter)

WHOO!

OKAY, THAT'S IT. I'M FIGHTING HIM WITH THE BABY ON.

LET'S GO!

(man) WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

TAKE IT EASY, BUDDY. AAH.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

(amplified voice) AND I'D LIKE TO ADD

THAT DENNIS' KID IS A BUTT-MUNCH,

AND HE SHOULD BE BREADED

AND FRIED AND EATEN BY CANNIBALS!

(crowd gasps) WHAT?!

NOT THE BABY, THE OLDER ONE.

(crowd) OHH.

HA! (applause)

(laughs)

HI, HONEY.

HOW'D THE MEETING GO?

GOOD. WE GOT THE FUNDING FOR THE SCIENCE CLUB.

AND YOU KNOW HOW WE TOLD YOU

THAT WHEN DEALING WITH A BULLY, THE HIGH ROAD IS THE GUY ROAD?

WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE YOU SHOULD KNOW.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO PUBLICLY HUMILIATE HIM

AND LEAVE HIM CRYING IN HIS ESCALADE IN THE PARKING LOT.

WHO WANTS CHAMPAGNE?

NATHAN. YOU EVER TASTE CHAMPAGNE?

YOUR DAD'S A LITTLE EXCITED. YOU'RE NOT HAVING CHAMPAGNE.

YOU AND ME, KID!

I CALLED YOU IN

SO YOUR DAD AND I CAN TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING--

A GOOD THING.

OH, HERE'S YOUR DAD NOW. HEY, HONEY.

HI.

(kiss) READY TO GO?

HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

CRAIG, I KNOW THIS IS A SURPRISE,

BUT I REALLY FEEL

WE OWE IT TO BRANDON TO TELL HIM WE'RE DATING.

(gasps) BRANDON. YES.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS.

BRANDON... (exhales deeply) I...

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, SON.

I, TOO, SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE YOU AND I ARE STRANGERS,

ONE OF WHOM IS TRYING TO MAKE A NEW CONNECTION.

HELP ME OUT, MAN.

SERIOUSLY, THIS GUY'S NOT MY DAD.

OKAY. I THINK I CAN CLEAR UP THE CONFUSION.

I'VE BEEN LYING,

SO I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU MY WATCH,

I'M GONNA TOUCH THIS IGUANA,

AND I'M GONNA BE ON MY WAY.

OOH! I WAS RIGHT--

SLIPPERY, BUT NOT SLIMY.