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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,033 --> 00:00:04,713 DUDE, I DON'T WANNA SCARE YOU, 2 00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,635 BUT YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING DARK AND MISSHAPEN ON YOUR NECK. 3 00:00:07,638 --> 00:00:12,108 OH, THAT IS TOTALLY CANCER, AND NOT THE GOOD KIND. 4 00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:14,653 (strained voice) OH, MY GOD. I'M GONNA DIE! 5 00:00:14,645 --> 00:00:16,315 GLAD YOU DIDN'T WANNA SCARE HIM, CRAIG. 6 00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:18,417 LOOK AT IT. IT LOOKS LIKE A CHOCOLATE CHIP. 7 00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:19,519 (cries) 8 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,050 YEAH. THAT IS A CHOCOLATE CHIP. 9 00:00:22,053 --> 00:00:23,793 OHH. OH, THANK GOD. 10 00:00:23,794 --> 00:00:25,364 (espresso machine hissing) 11 00:00:25,356 --> 00:00:28,196 I DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET ANY BAD NEWS ABOUT A CHOCOLATE CHIP. 12 00:00:28,199 --> 00:00:31,359 HOW ABOUT THIS? THERE'S A GIANT CHOCOLATE CHIP 13 00:00:31,362 --> 00:00:33,202 HEADED STRAIGHT TOWARD EARTH. 14 00:00:33,204 --> 00:00:35,544 I'M STILL HAPPY BECAUSE WHEN IT BREAKS UP IN THE ATMOSPHERE, 15 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:38,036 IT'S GONNA BECOME WARM CHOCOLATE RAIN, 16 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,308 AND I'LL BE SITTING ON MY FRONT PORCH 17 00:00:39,310 --> 00:00:41,110 WITH A BIG BOWL OF COOKIE BATTER 18 00:00:41,112 --> 00:00:43,072 WAITING FOR THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! 19 00:00:43,074 --> 00:00:45,724 YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS. 20 00:00:45,716 --> 00:00:48,216 YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS. YEAH. 21 00:00:48,219 --> 00:00:49,419 WHO, ME AND HER? 22 00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:51,320 YEAH, YOU AND HER, YOU'RE BOTH IDIOTS. 23 00:00:52,423 --> 00:00:54,093 SORRY, MA'AM. 24 00:00:57,088 --> 00:00:58,458 WHERE'S LUCY? 25 00:00:58,459 --> 00:01:01,359 STILL SLEEPING. SHE HAD ONE OF HER NIGHTMARES LAST NIGHT. 26 00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:03,662 REALLY? WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME? 27 00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:06,344 I COULDN'T FIND MY BUCKET OF WATER OR MY BULLHORN. 28 00:01:07,438 --> 00:01:11,068 MOMMY? MOMMY? MOM? THERESA? 29 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,371 MRS. KEEN? 30 00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:16,153 (sighs) RIDICULOUS. 31 00:01:16,147 --> 00:01:17,307 DADDY? 32 00:01:17,308 --> 00:01:18,608 (sputters) YEAH? 33 00:01:18,609 --> 00:01:20,309 I'M SORRY, HONEY. 34 00:01:20,311 --> 00:01:21,551 YOU LIVE WITH A BAND IN COLLEGE, 35 00:01:21,552 --> 00:01:23,112 YOU LEARN TO SLEEP THROUGH ANYTHING. 36 00:01:23,114 --> 00:01:24,464 OH, I CAN'T HEAR ENOUGH 37 00:01:24,455 --> 00:01:27,155 OF THOSE FUN "LIVING WITH A BAND" STORIES. 38 00:01:27,158 --> 00:01:29,818 SHE LEARNED TO PLAY EVERY INSTRUMENT, AND I MEANEVERY-- 39 00:01:29,820 --> 00:01:32,720 I GET IT. HEY. IS MY NEW PHONE HERE? 40 00:01:32,723 --> 00:01:35,533 I WANT TO PUT IT IN THE HOLSTER I FASHIONED WITH MY LEATHER KIT. 41 00:01:35,526 --> 00:01:36,866 HERE YOU GO. 42 00:01:36,867 --> 00:01:39,667 ANDI HAD THEM INSTALL THIS COOL NEW TRACKING APP 43 00:01:39,670 --> 00:01:41,430 THAT'LL ALWAYS LET US KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. 44 00:01:41,432 --> 00:01:43,532 SO NO STRIP CLUBS, MISTER. 45 00:01:43,534 --> 00:01:46,784 EW. STRIP CLUBS? GROSS. I'M GONNA GO WATCH THIS CHARGE. 46 00:01:46,777 --> 00:01:49,237 I WISH GRANT HAD A SMARTPHONE. 47 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:50,840 I LOVE THE GUY, BUT HE THINKS 48 00:01:50,841 --> 00:01:53,241 TECHNOLOGY DISTRACTS PEOPLE FROM LIVING IN THE MOMENT, 49 00:01:53,244 --> 00:01:55,194 WHICH I THOUGHT WAS THE POINT. 50 00:01:55,186 --> 00:01:58,216 SO WHAT'S UP WITH ME? NOT MUCH. 51 00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:01,219 JUST DROPPED OFF JANE, THE AWESOME NEW LADY I'M DATING. 52 00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:02,622 IT'S TRUE-- 53 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:05,533 YOU GOT TO KISS A FEW FROGS BEFORE YOU FIND A PRINCESS, 54 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,196 OR ONE FROG FOR TEN YEARS 55 00:02:07,198 --> 00:02:09,798 UNTIL YOU WANT TO HANG YOURSELF WITH A SWAMP REED. 56 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:10,900 WHATEVER WEIRD THING YOU NEED TO DO 57 00:02:10,901 --> 00:02:12,701 TO GET YOUR BODY TO PERFORM LIKE A MAN. 58 00:02:12,703 --> 00:02:15,143 JANE'S PARENTS OWN A COFFEEHOUSE. 59 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,665 SHE SAID I COULD PLAY A GIG THERE. 60 00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:19,237 I MADE UP SOME FLYERS TO PAPER THE NEIGHBORHOOD. 61 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:23,240 NATHAN, I'M BORROWING YOUR BIKE! COME HELP ME MOVE THE SEAT! 62 00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,354 SO THAT'S GREAT IT'S WORKING OUT WITH JANE. 63 00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:27,346 YEAH, SHE WANTS ME TO MEET HER PARENTS. 64 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,878 WELL, THAT'S THE END OF THAT. 65 00:02:28,879 --> 00:02:30,279 OH, KENNY'S NOT BAD WITH PARENTS. 66 00:02:30,281 --> 00:02:32,621 HE'S JUST BAD WITH MOMS. REALLY BAD. 67 00:02:32,623 --> 00:02:34,593 LIKE, WRITTEN APOLOGY BAD. 68 00:02:34,585 --> 00:02:37,325 LIKE, WRAPPED IN AN AREA RUG AND DRAGGED INTO THE FOREST BAD. 69 00:02:37,328 --> 00:02:39,858 YEAH, I'M GOOD WITH DADS. THEY'RE ALL... 70 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:42,860 (low-pitched voice) "YEAH," "SPORTS," "THINGS ON THE GRILL." 71 00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:45,603 (whispers) MOMS... (normal voice) THEY LIKE TO PRY, 72 00:02:45,596 --> 00:02:47,796 GET UNDER YOUR HOOD, TINKER AROUND. 73 00:02:47,798 --> 00:02:50,198 I GOT STUFF UNDER THERE I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT. 74 00:02:50,201 --> 00:02:52,301 YEAH, LIKE THE TIME YOU GAVE THAT GUY 200 BUCKS 75 00:02:52,303 --> 00:02:54,483 FOR NUNCHAKU LESSONS, AND WHEN YOU GOT TO HIS HOUSE, 76 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:56,345 ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS BRUSH YOUR HAIR? 77 00:02:56,347 --> 00:02:58,707 YEAH, SENSEI JERRY WAS WEIRD. 78 00:03:01,312 --> 00:03:03,912 WOW. THERE ARE A LOT OF HOT GIRLS IN HERE. (mouths word) 79 00:03:03,914 --> 00:03:06,764 WHICH ONE WILL I CHOOSE TO BE MY LOVER? 80 00:03:06,757 --> 00:03:10,317 I'M SO NERVOUS ABOUT MEETING JANE'S MOM. WHAT AM I GONNA SAY? 81 00:03:10,321 --> 00:03:13,191 START WITH A QUESTION ABOUT HER DAUGHTER. MOMS LOVE THAT. 82 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,703 (strumming) OKAY. HOW ABOUT... "DID JANE POP RIGHT OUT OF YOU, 83 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:20,197 OR WAS IT A STRUGGLE, LIKE TRYING TO BATHE A CAT?" 84 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,300 IS THAT WEIRD? THAT'S WEIRD, RIGHT? 85 00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:23,503 HI, GUYS. 86 00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:26,414 HI. SO, KENNY, ARE YOU READY TO MEET MY PARENTS? 87 00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:29,377 WAIT A MINUTE. ARE BOTH YOUR PARENTS WOMEN, 88 00:03:29,380 --> 00:03:31,380 OR IS YOUR DAD, LIKE, FRENCH OR SOMETHING? 89 00:03:31,382 --> 00:03:33,642 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU KNOW THAT MY PARENTS ARE LESBIANS. 90 00:03:33,644 --> 00:03:36,354 I KEEP SAYING I'M EXCITED FOR YOU TO MEET MY MOMS? 91 00:03:36,347 --> 00:03:39,287 OH.I THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING, LIKE, AN URBAN THING. 92 00:03:39,290 --> 00:03:42,250 YOU KNOW... "DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOMS." 93 00:03:42,253 --> 00:03:44,403 THAT'S WHY I KEPT SAYING, "WORD." 94 00:03:44,395 --> 00:03:46,355 YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS, DO YOU? 95 00:03:46,357 --> 00:03:50,297 TWO MOMS. (laughs) DOUBLE THE MOMS! 96 00:03:50,301 --> 00:03:51,301 (laughs) 97 00:03:51,302 --> 00:03:53,932 ROCK ON! (laughs) YAY. 98 00:03:55,766 --> 00:03:57,736 (resumes strumming) HI. I'M RENEE, THE MANAGER HERE. 99 00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,368 OH, HI. I'M CRAIG. 100 00:03:59,370 --> 00:04:00,710 SO DO YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED? 101 00:04:00,711 --> 00:04:02,011 A RISER, A MICROPHONE, 102 00:04:02,012 --> 00:04:03,372 AND A ROOM FULL OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. 103 00:04:03,374 --> 00:04:04,724 (both laugh) 104 00:04:04,715 --> 00:04:05,875 IS IT LADIES' NIGHT? 105 00:04:05,876 --> 00:04:07,516 UH, IT'S ALWAYS LADIES' NIGHT AROUND HERE, 106 00:04:07,518 --> 00:04:08,918 IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. (chuckles) 107 00:04:08,919 --> 00:04:10,849 HEH HEH! 108 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,681 I'M SORRY. IDON'TKNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. 109 00:04:12,683 --> 00:04:14,733 IT'S A LESBIAN COFFEEHOUSE, 110 00:04:14,725 --> 00:04:16,685 AND WE'VE NEVER HAD A MALE PERFORMER HERE, 111 00:04:16,687 --> 00:04:20,357 SO THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING. GOOD LUCK. 112 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,391 THANKS. 113 00:04:21,392 --> 00:04:23,632 "WHICH ONE OF US DID JANE COME OUT OF?" 114 00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,574 THAT'S AN INTERESTING FIRST QUESTION. 115 00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:28,266 (chuckles) YEAH, I'M SORRY. CAN I START OVER? 116 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,668 THAT WOULD MEAN WE BOTH HAVE TO KEEP HOLDING 117 00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:32,540 THESE POLITE SMILES, BUT SURE, GO AHEAD. 118 00:04:32,543 --> 00:04:35,953 SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU OWNED THIS COFFEEHOUSE? 119 00:04:35,946 --> 00:04:37,676 THAT'S MUCH BETTER. 120 00:04:38,909 --> 00:04:40,279 IT'S BEEN ABOUT A YEAR. 121 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,350 AND DID THE LESBIANS COME WITH THIS PLACE, 122 00:04:41,352 --> 00:04:43,852 OR DO YOU HAVE TO LURE THEM IN SOMEHOW? 123 00:04:43,854 --> 00:04:45,524 AND HE'S OFF AGAIN. 124 00:04:45,516 --> 00:04:47,386 I'M SORRY. I GET NERVOUS AROUND MOMS, 125 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,618 THE WAY THEY DIG INTO YOUR BRAIN AND THEY NEVER STOP UNTIL 126 00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:53,020 THEY FIGURE OUT ALL THE WEIRD STUFF NO ONE SHOULD EVER KNOW. 127 00:04:53,023 --> 00:04:56,333 BUT I'M SURE THAT, UM, YOU GUYS AREN'T LIKE THAT. 128 00:04:56,327 --> 00:04:59,727 SO WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE YOU OWNED THIS PLACE? 129 00:04:59,730 --> 00:05:01,430 WE'RE BOTH THERAPISTS. 130 00:05:01,432 --> 00:05:03,672 SUCK IT. 131 00:05:03,674 --> 00:05:05,984 (indistinct conversations) 132 00:05:05,976 --> 00:05:07,936 (amplified voice) HELLO, LESBIANS. 133 00:05:07,938 --> 00:05:09,338 (conversations stop) 134 00:05:09,340 --> 00:05:11,410 UH, MY NAME IS CRAIG GRIFFITH, 135 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:14,892 AND, UH, THIS SONG IS CALLED "BLUE GIRL." 136 00:05:14,885 --> 00:05:17,515 ♪ BLUE GIRL ♪ 137 00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,388 ♪ TELL ME ♪ 138 00:05:19,390 --> 00:05:22,350 (crowd murmuring) ♪ WHAT'S GOTCHA DOWN? ♪ 139 00:05:22,353 --> 00:05:25,463 ♪ WHAT'S GONNA SET YOU FREE? ♪ 140 00:05:25,456 --> 00:05:28,056 (murmuring continues) 141 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:33,800 ♪ IS IT BECAUSE SOCIETY'S CONVINCED YOU ♪ 142 00:05:33,804 --> 00:05:36,414 ♪ THAT YOU NEED A MAN? ♪ 143 00:05:36,407 --> 00:05:39,467 ♪♪♪ 144 00:05:39,470 --> 00:05:41,410 ♪ YOU DON'T NEED A MAN ♪ 145 00:05:43,474 --> 00:05:46,624 (gravelly voice) ♪ YOU DON'T NEED A MAN! ♪ 146 00:05:46,617 --> 00:05:48,377 (woman cheers) 147 00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:53,351 HEY. GRANT. WHATCHA DOING? 148 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,663 OH, JUST ENJOYING THIS BEAUTIFUL MORNING. 149 00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,986 CHECK OUT THIS TREE. IT'S FULL OF SURPRISES. 150 00:05:57,988 --> 00:06:01,388 NAH, IT NEVER IS. HEY. I GOT YOU A PRESENT. 151 00:06:01,392 --> 00:06:05,902 IT IS A BRAND... NEW... SMARTPHONE. 152 00:06:05,896 --> 00:06:07,436 THANKS, 153 00:06:07,438 --> 00:06:09,868 BUT MY CURRENT PHONE SUITS ME FINE. 154 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:12,700 BUT, GRANT, LOOK AT ALL THESE THINGS IT CAN DO. 155 00:06:12,703 --> 00:06:16,113 HERE YOU HAVE YOUR MAPS. HERE YOU CAN FIND ANY BUSINESS. 156 00:06:16,106 --> 00:06:17,606 HMM. PRESS THIS, 157 00:06:17,608 --> 00:06:20,908 AND YOU HEAR A SAD TROMBONE SOUND. (wah-wah horn plays) 158 00:06:20,911 --> 00:06:22,381 (laughs) 159 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:25,092 THIS IS VERY KIND OF YOU, BUT I DON'T NEED THESE THINGS. 160 00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:28,515 I HAVE MY LAMINATED ROAD ATLAS, A COPY OF THE YELLOW PAGES, 161 00:06:28,519 --> 00:06:30,089 AND A BEAUTIFUL SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS. 162 00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:31,090 MM. 163 00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,561 AND AS YOU KNOW... 164 00:06:32,563 --> 00:06:34,503 I PLAY A REAL TROMBONE. 165 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,965 MMM. 166 00:06:35,966 --> 00:06:37,796 OOH, LOOK. 167 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:40,698 HERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T HAVE A LAME, OLD VERSION OF. 168 00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,601 IT'S A GAME CALLED "ANGRY BIRDS." 169 00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,583 SEE? YOU THROW THESE BIRDS AT THOSE PIGS. 170 00:06:44,575 --> 00:06:46,805 I DON'T BELIEVE IN THROWING ANIMALS AT ONE ANOTHER. 171 00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:49,037 BUT THE PIGS HAVE STOLEN THE BIRDS' EGGS. 172 00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:51,480 WELL, THAT'S NOT RIGHT. 173 00:06:55,185 --> 00:06:58,415 I KILLED LAST NIGHT AT THAT COFFEEHOUSE. 174 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,748 ONCE I FOUND MY LESBIAN GROOVE, I WAS UNSTOPPABLE. 175 00:07:01,752 --> 00:07:03,152 IN FACT, I WROTE A SONG CALLED 176 00:07:03,153 --> 00:07:06,163 "MY LESBIAN GROOVE IS UNSTOPPABLE." 177 00:07:06,156 --> 00:07:07,926 HEY, GUYS. 178 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,698 REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO HAVE CONVERSATIONS? THAT WAS FUN. 179 00:07:10,701 --> 00:07:13,131 OH, SORRY. I GOT THIS TRACKING APP FOR NATHAN. 180 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,613 IT'S GREAT. I CAN FOLLOW HIS EVERY MOVE. 181 00:07:15,606 --> 00:07:17,866 OH, NO--DON'T DO IT, MAN. 182 00:07:17,868 --> 00:07:19,908 NO, NOT BACK TO THE MODEL TRAIN STORE. (clicks teeth) UGH. 183 00:07:19,910 --> 00:07:21,940 STUPID PIG. 184 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:25,582 EASY. HE'S ONLY 13. HE'S STILL FINDING HIS WAY. 185 00:07:25,576 --> 00:07:27,646 NO. THIS-- THIS "ANGRY BIRDS" GAME. 186 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:31,778 THESE PIGS-- THEIR BEHAVIOR'S UNTENABLE. 187 00:07:31,782 --> 00:07:34,692 HELLO, TROLLS... MYSELF INCLUDED. 188 00:07:34,685 --> 00:07:36,825 OH, HEY, SO CRAIG TELLS US 189 00:07:36,827 --> 00:07:39,557 YOU FOUND YOURSELF IN A DOUBLE-MOM SITUATION? 190 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,060 NOT JUST TWO MOMS-- TWO THERAPIST MOMS. 191 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,602 THAT SOUNDS MORE TERRIFYING THAN YOUR WORST FEAR-- 192 00:07:44,595 --> 00:07:47,665 A BADGER WITH THE FACE OF A MAN. 193 00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:50,638 OOH. CAN WE PLEASE NOT TALK ABOUTMADGERS? 194 00:07:50,641 --> 00:07:52,001 (gravelly voice) KENNY... 195 00:07:52,002 --> 00:07:53,002 STOP IT. 196 00:07:53,003 --> 00:07:54,473 (normal voice) SORRY. 197 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:58,014 ACTUALLY, THINGS ENDED UP GOING SURPRISINGLY WELL WITH THE MOMS. 198 00:07:58,008 --> 00:07:59,178 AND THEN WHEN I WAS 8, 199 00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:01,479 MY MOM ACCIDENTALLY FORGOT ME AT THE MALL. 200 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,811 AND THAT WAS AFTER SHE "ACCIDENTALLY" FORGOT YOU 201 00:08:03,814 --> 00:08:06,594 AT THE DRY CLEANERS, THE GROCERY STORE, AND THE AMUSEMENT PARK? 202 00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:07,917 AND THE BEACH, THE COUNTY DUMP, 203 00:08:07,918 --> 00:08:09,758 AND JUST OVER THE CANADIAN BORDER? 204 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,490 (whispers) YES. 205 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,591 WERE YOU EVER HONEST WITH YOUR MOTHER 206 00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:13,793 ABOUT HOW THAT MADE YOU FEEL? 207 00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:16,234 NO, BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE HONEST, 208 00:08:16,226 --> 00:08:18,866 THEN PEOPLE STOP LOVING YOU, RIGHT? 209 00:08:18,869 --> 00:08:20,729 THERE IT IS. 210 00:08:24,074 --> 00:08:25,784 I REALLY OPENED UP. 211 00:08:25,776 --> 00:08:28,106 CALLED MY MOM THIS MORNING, TOLD HER HOW I FELT, 212 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,538 GOTTHATMONKEY OFF MY BACK. 213 00:08:29,540 --> 00:08:32,140 ALTHOUGH, THANKS TO LINDA AND CARROLL, 214 00:08:32,142 --> 00:08:35,692 I REALIZED MY BACK IS COMPLETELY COVERED IN MONKEYS. 215 00:08:35,686 --> 00:08:37,616 (cell phone rings, beep) 216 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:38,618 HEY, HONEY. WHAT'S UP? 217 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:39,619 Hi! 218 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,050 HOW'S LUNCH AT SCARDINO'S? 219 00:08:41,051 --> 00:08:45,161 UH, H-HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE I AM? ARE YOU HERE? 220 00:08:45,155 --> 00:08:48,725 NO, I HAD THAT TRACKING APP INSTALLED ON ALL OUR PHONES. 221 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:51,599 SO... YOU'LL ALWAYS KNOW HOW TO FIND ME? 222 00:08:51,602 --> 00:08:53,602 YEAH, HOW FUN IS THAT? 223 00:08:53,604 --> 00:08:55,844 AND I SEE THAT YOU'RE RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE MALL. 224 00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,936 CAN YOU RUN A COUPLE QUICK ERRANDS FOR ME? 225 00:08:57,938 --> 00:08:58,938 UM... 226 00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,539 Great. I'll text you a list. 227 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,870 THANKS, HONEY. 228 00:09:01,872 --> 00:09:02,872 BUT... (sighs) 229 00:09:02,873 --> 00:09:04,113 (beep) 230 00:09:04,114 --> 00:09:05,584 OH, GOD. (sets down cell phone) 231 00:09:05,576 --> 00:09:07,216 THERESA'S GONNA KNOW MY EVERY MOVE. 232 00:09:07,217 --> 00:09:08,677 THAT PIG'S GOTTA DIE. 233 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:11,651 OH. 234 00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:12,652 THE GAME. 235 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:13,683 RIGHT. 236 00:09:18,028 --> 00:09:19,828 I DON'T KNOW, GUYS. 237 00:09:19,830 --> 00:09:21,590 SEEING YOU ON THE FLOOR LIKE THIS, 238 00:09:21,592 --> 00:09:23,132 GETTING READY TO SUFFOCATE ME, 239 00:09:23,133 --> 00:09:26,003 I GOTTA BE HONEST, I'M HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS. 240 00:09:25,996 --> 00:09:27,696 WE'RE NOT GOING TO SUFFOCATE YOU. 241 00:09:27,698 --> 00:09:28,968 IT'LLFEELLIKE WE'RE SUFFOCATING YOU. 242 00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:30,669 AND IF SOMETHING WENT WRONG, 243 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:32,101 THEN THE CORONER'S REPORT WOULDSAYWE SUFFOCATED YOU. 244 00:09:32,102 --> 00:09:34,952 BUT WHAT WE'RE ACTUALLY DOING IS REBIRTHING YOU, 245 00:09:34,945 --> 00:09:36,945 BECAUSE OFTEN, PEOPLE WITH MULTIPLE ISSUES 246 00:09:36,947 --> 00:09:38,947 CAN BE HELPED BY REVISITING THEIR FIRST TRAUMA... 247 00:09:38,949 --> 00:09:41,009 WHICH IS BIRTH... 248 00:09:41,011 --> 00:09:43,681 OR FIGHTING OFF TWO LESBIANS WHO ARE TRYING TO SUFFOCATE YOU. 249 00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,164 JUST KIDDING. 250 00:09:45,155 --> 00:09:49,215 WHAT THE HECK? DIAL ME UP TO 10 CENTIMETERS, LADIES. 251 00:09:49,219 --> 00:09:51,089 I'M IN! 252 00:09:52,162 --> 00:09:53,792 PUSH, KENNY. 253 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:56,374 PUSH YOUR WAY INTO THE WORLD. START YOUR LIFE ANEW. 254 00:09:56,366 --> 00:10:00,096 FIGHT, KENNY! FIGHT TO BE BORN! 255 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,970 (pants) 256 00:10:02,973 --> 00:10:06,183 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KENNY! 257 00:10:06,176 --> 00:10:08,976 I HAVE A LITTLE VACATION TIME SAVED UP, 258 00:10:08,979 --> 00:10:12,279 SO I FOUND THIS AMAZING VILLA IN COZUMEL, AND I THOUGHT 259 00:10:12,282 --> 00:10:15,022 MAYBE THE TWO OF US COULD HAVE A ROMANTIC WEEKEND SOMETIME. 260 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:17,185 COZUMEL. MM-HMM. 261 00:10:19,189 --> 00:10:20,819 YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME NOW, AREN'T YOU? 262 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,851 I CAN'T STOP. IT'S NO LONGER CLEAR 263 00:10:22,853 --> 00:10:26,033 WHETHER I'M PLAYING THE GAME OR THE GAME'S PLAYING ME. 264 00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:31,700 (amplified voice) THIS ONE'S FOR ALL MY STRONG SISTERS OUT THERE. 265 00:10:31,702 --> 00:10:33,032 WE HEAR YOU. 266 00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:35,073 ♪ TWO LOCKS ♪ 267 00:10:35,065 --> 00:10:39,835 ♪ WHO NEEDS A KEY WHEN YOU'VE GOT TWO LOCKS? ♪ 268 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,040 ♪ ONE LOCK FOR YOU, ONE LOCK FOR ME ♪ 269 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,012 ♪ AND THE FRICTION SETS US FREE ♪ 270 00:10:44,014 --> 00:10:47,284 ♪ AND YOU REALLY DON'T NEED A KEY ♪ 271 00:10:47,277 --> 00:10:54,377 ♪ I'M GOING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪ 272 00:10:54,384 --> 00:10:56,234 ♪ ON-- ♪ 273 00:10:56,226 --> 00:10:58,156 (Craig) WHOO! 274 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,388 (all) ♪ NO-MAN-LAND ♪ 275 00:11:00,390 --> 00:11:02,260 ♪ FELLAS, TELL YOUR STORY WALKIN' ♪ 276 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,862 ♪ NO-MAN-LAND ♪ 277 00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:06,244 ♪ GENTLEMEN NEED NOT APPLY ♪ 278 00:11:06,236 --> 00:11:07,736 ♪ NO-MAN-LAND ♪ 279 00:11:07,738 --> 00:11:10,138 ♪ LET YOUR OVARIES DO THE TALKIN' ♪ 280 00:11:10,140 --> 00:11:11,100 ♪ YOU AND I ♪ 281 00:11:11,101 --> 00:11:12,271 ♪ SETTLE DOWN ♪ 282 00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:14,002 ♪ HAND IN HAND ♪ 283 00:11:14,004 --> 00:11:17,754 ♪ IN NO-MAN-LAND ♪ 284 00:11:17,748 --> 00:11:20,978 (crowd cheering) 285 00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:25,263 CRAIG, YOU WERE AMAZING. 286 00:11:25,255 --> 00:11:26,415 THANKS, RENEE. 287 00:11:26,416 --> 00:11:27,816 I JUST WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO SING INTO SOMETHING 288 00:11:27,818 --> 00:11:30,118 SHAPED LIKE THIS SYMBOL OF MALE DOMINANCE. 289 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,690 (chuckles) YOU KNOW, IF I WERE STILL SLEEPING 290 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:36,002 WITH MEN INSTEAD OF WOMEN, I WOULD BE ALL OVER YOU. 291 00:11:37,768 --> 00:11:40,298 RENEE SAID SHE'D BE ALL OVER ME. 292 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:43,100 I THINK I HAVE A SHOT, AND WHY WOULDN'T I? 293 00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:46,783 I AM A LESBIAN FOLK HERO. I FILL WOMEN'S GAY HEARTS WITH SONG. 294 00:11:46,777 --> 00:11:49,207 I'M HAPPY FOR YOU, AND IN ALL HONESTY, 295 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,739 I'M ALSO SURPRISED, BECAUSE OF YOUR MODEST LEVEL OF TALENT, 296 00:11:51,742 --> 00:11:53,182 AND IN FURTHER HONESTY, 297 00:11:53,183 --> 00:11:56,093 I'M WEARING YOUR SOCKS AND HAVE NO PLANS TO RETURN THEM. 298 00:11:56,086 --> 00:11:59,186 WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, MAN? I'VE HAD A BREAKTHROUGH. 299 00:11:59,189 --> 00:12:01,919 I'M STARTING WITH A CLEAN SLATE NOW, AND ACCORDING TO THE MOMS, 300 00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:04,292 I HAVE TO BE TOTALLY HONEST WITH MYSELF AND THOSE AROUND ME, 301 00:12:04,294 --> 00:12:05,234 MY OVERPAID FRIEND. 302 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,225 I EARN MY MONEY. 303 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,296 EH. 304 00:12:07,297 --> 00:12:09,357 OKAY, LISTEN, I GOT A PROBLEM. 305 00:12:09,359 --> 00:12:11,099 I NEED ONE OF YOU TO TAKE MY PHONE LATER TODAY, 306 00:12:11,101 --> 00:12:13,231 AND IF THERESA CALLS, PRETEND TO BE ME 307 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,973 AND TEXT HER BACK THAT I'M STUCK IN A MEETING. 308 00:12:14,965 --> 00:12:16,865 THAT'S NOT HONEST, SO I'M OUT. 309 00:12:16,867 --> 00:12:18,137 AND I WILL NOT HELP A MAN 310 00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:20,268 PUT ONE OVER ON HIS SISTER LIKE THAT. 311 00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:21,410 COME ON, GUYS. 312 00:12:21,411 --> 00:12:23,911 THERESA'S TRACKING MY EVERY MOVE WITH THIS NEW PHONE APP. 313 00:12:23,914 --> 00:12:25,124 WHAT DO YOU CARE? YOU HAVE NO LIFE. 314 00:12:25,115 --> 00:12:27,115 I HAVE A LIFE. EH. 315 00:12:27,117 --> 00:12:31,317 OKAY. THERE'S SOMEPLACE I GO EVERY DAY FOR HALF AN HOUR 316 00:12:31,321 --> 00:12:32,381 ON MY WAY HOME FROM WORK, 317 00:12:32,382 --> 00:12:34,252 AND THERESA DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT IT. 318 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:37,464 OOH, REALLY? VERY MYSTERIOUS. 319 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:38,927 HAVING AN AFFAIR? BOTOX? 320 00:12:38,929 --> 00:12:40,159 DIGGING A WELL? HOG-TYING? 321 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,790 TRAINING MONKEYS? SKEET SHOOTING? 322 00:12:41,792 --> 00:12:43,492 GRAVE ROBBING? IT'S GRAVE ROBBING, ISN'T IT? 323 00:12:43,493 --> 00:12:45,873 LOOK AT YOU. IT'S OBVIOUS. UGH, I'M GONNA BE SICK. 324 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:47,296 NO, IT'S NONE OF THAT. 325 00:12:47,297 --> 00:12:49,337 JUST AN INNOCENT THING I DO TO UNWIND. 326 00:12:49,339 --> 00:12:50,339 CAR WASH? BattleBots? 327 00:12:50,340 --> 00:12:52,100 RIBBON DANCING? STOP GUESSING. 328 00:12:52,102 --> 00:12:53,302 IT'S JUST SOMEWHERE I GO-- 329 00:12:53,303 --> 00:12:55,483 SPAIN. (scoffs) 330 00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:58,245 IT'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN DOING SINCE THE KIDS WERE LITTLE, 331 00:12:58,248 --> 00:13:00,248 BUT IF THERESA FINDS OUT I DON'T GO DIRECTLY HOME AFTER WORK, 332 00:13:00,250 --> 00:13:03,110 SHE'LL THINK I'M SHIRKING MY RESPONSIBILITIES AS A DAD. 333 00:13:03,113 --> 00:13:05,023 AREN'T YOU? YES. 334 00:13:05,015 --> 00:13:09,255 I MEAN, BETWEEN WORK, THE CHAOS AT HOME, YOU GUYS, 335 00:13:09,259 --> 00:13:11,289 GETTING UP WITH LUCY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT-- 336 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,491 I-I NEED A BREAK. 337 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,233 WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT THERESA TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, 338 00:13:15,225 --> 00:13:16,395 JUST GET RID OF YOUR PHONE. 339 00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:19,426 YEAH. THAT WAY, ANYTIME YOU WANT, YOU CAN GO TO THE... 340 00:13:19,429 --> 00:13:21,399 TEEN CHOICE AWARDS? OKTOBERFEST? 341 00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:23,501 GET OUT. 342 00:13:25,335 --> 00:13:26,975 SO I BOUGHT GRANT THIS NEW SMARTPHONE, 343 00:13:26,977 --> 00:13:29,177 AND NOW HE'S ADDICTED TO THIS STUPID GAME, 344 00:13:29,179 --> 00:13:30,909 AND HE CAN'T STOP PLAYING IT. 345 00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:33,211 I GUESS YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST ACCEPTED HIM FOR WHO HE WAS-- 346 00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:36,493 A WARM, GENEROUS MAN WHO BUYS PLANE TICKETS 347 00:13:36,486 --> 00:13:38,546 BY WRITING A LETTER TO HIS TRAVEL AGENT. 348 00:13:38,548 --> 00:13:39,548 MM. 349 00:13:39,549 --> 00:13:40,549 HEY. 350 00:13:40,550 --> 00:13:42,590 HEY. I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU TODAY. 351 00:13:42,592 --> 00:13:44,322 YOU WERE OFF THE GRID. 352 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,604 MM. YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT? UH... 353 00:13:46,596 --> 00:13:49,496 I GOT RID OF MY PHONE AND, UH, TOOK GRANT'S OLD PHONE. 354 00:13:49,499 --> 00:13:51,059 WHAT? WHY? 355 00:13:51,061 --> 00:13:53,361 YOU KNOW, GRANT'S RIGHT. WHO NEEDS ALL THIS TECHNOLOGY? 356 00:13:53,363 --> 00:13:56,513 PLUS THIS THING IS UNBREAKABLE. (banging) 357 00:13:56,506 --> 00:13:57,566 HEH. 358 00:13:57,567 --> 00:13:58,937 (rattle) 359 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:01,039 WELL, THAT PROBABLY WASN'T A GOOD IDEA. 360 00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:03,011 BUT HOW AM I GONNA KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ALL THE TIME? 361 00:14:03,013 --> 00:14:06,323 WELL, LOOK INSIDE YOUR HEART, BABY DOLL. 362 00:14:06,316 --> 00:14:08,376 THAT'S WHERE I'LL ALWAYS BE. 363 00:14:10,420 --> 00:14:14,020 (chuckles) OHH. "BABY DOLL"? SOMETHING IS UP. 364 00:14:14,024 --> 00:14:15,364 LAST TIME HE CALLED ME "BABY DOLL," 365 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,455 HE CLOGGED THE TOILET AT THE GOVERNOR'S MANSION. 366 00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:19,287 (piano playing) 367 00:14:19,289 --> 00:14:21,129 (clears throat) LET'S GO HOME, BABY DOLL. 368 00:14:21,131 --> 00:14:23,331 I DON'T NEED TO MEET THE GOVERNOR. 369 00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:24,973 GOOD LORD. 370 00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,995 NEEDLESS TO SAY, WE HAVE NOT BEEN INVITED BACK. 371 00:14:26,997 --> 00:14:29,537 OHH. WILL'S DEFINITELY UP TO SOMETHING. 372 00:14:29,539 --> 00:14:31,939 WE SHOULD GO TORTURE KENNY... YES! 373 00:14:31,942 --> 00:14:34,342 I WAS GONNA SAY, "TO FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON." 374 00:14:34,344 --> 00:14:35,554 OH, TORTURING KENNY WITH A GOAL. 375 00:14:35,545 --> 00:14:38,275 SEEMS A LITTLE STRUCTURED, BUT OKAY. 376 00:14:42,112 --> 00:14:44,082 (indistinct conversations) 377 00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:46,464 LISTEN UP, LORD OF THE RING DINGS. 378 00:14:46,456 --> 00:14:48,216 WE NEED SOME ANSWERS. 379 00:14:48,218 --> 00:14:49,588 WHY DID WILL GET RID OF HIS PHONE? 380 00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,889 BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT THERESA TRACKING HIM. 381 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,021 WHAT? WHY NOT? WHERE IS HE GOING? 382 00:14:54,024 --> 00:14:55,204 I HAVE NO IDEA. 383 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,025 DON'T LIE TO US. I DON'T LIE. 384 00:14:57,027 --> 00:14:59,427 I'VE SQUEEZED THROUGH AN UPHOLSTERED BIRTH CANAL 385 00:14:59,429 --> 00:15:01,369 INTO A NEW WORLD OF TRUTH. 386 00:15:01,371 --> 00:15:02,471 BEHOLD. 387 00:15:02,472 --> 00:15:04,272 WHEN WE WERE COMING BACK FROM BELIZE, 388 00:15:04,274 --> 00:15:06,084 I'M THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED TO CUSTOMS 389 00:15:06,076 --> 00:15:07,936 THAT YOU WERE SMUGGLING DIAMONDS INSIDE OF YOU. 390 00:15:07,938 --> 00:15:09,578 THAT WASYOU? 391 00:15:09,579 --> 00:15:11,579 I BELIEVE THE EXACT PHRASE I USED WAS 392 00:15:11,581 --> 00:15:12,941 "BUTT FULL OF DIAMONDS." 393 00:15:12,943 --> 00:15:15,053 SORRY. I WAS MAD YOU DIDN'T LET ME 394 00:15:15,045 --> 00:15:16,645 HAVE THE WINDOW SEAT ON THE PLANE HOME. 395 00:15:16,646 --> 00:15:19,386 ALL RIGHT, NEW HONEST KENNY. 396 00:15:19,389 --> 00:15:21,649 WHATDOYOU KNOW ABOUT WHAT WILL'S UP TO? 397 00:15:21,651 --> 00:15:24,391 I KNOW THAT EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS, 398 00:15:24,394 --> 00:15:26,664 HE'S BEEN SHIRKING HIS PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES AFTER WORK 399 00:15:26,656 --> 00:15:28,296 INSTEAD OF COMING RIGHT HOME. 400 00:15:28,298 --> 00:15:29,658 UNBELIEVABLE. 401 00:15:29,659 --> 00:15:31,959 SO FOR YEARS, MY HUSBAND'S BEEN LEAVING ME ALONE 402 00:15:31,962 --> 00:15:33,462 AT THE MOST CHAOTIC TIME OF THE DAY 403 00:15:33,463 --> 00:15:35,643 SO HE CAN RUN AROUND DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT? 404 00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,365 WELL, I'M SHUTTINGTHATDOWN. 405 00:15:37,367 --> 00:15:40,307 HOW? CREEPY POD KENNY DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE GOES. 406 00:15:40,310 --> 00:15:42,610 TOMORROW, I WILL SWING BY WILL'S OFFICE, 407 00:15:42,612 --> 00:15:45,282 SLIP NATHAN'S PHONE INTO HIS CAR, AND TRACK HIM. HA. 408 00:15:45,275 --> 00:15:46,515 BY THE WAY, 409 00:15:46,516 --> 00:15:49,516 AFTER WE GOT DIVORCED, I KEPT SEVERAL OF YOUR BRAS. 410 00:15:49,519 --> 00:15:51,119 OCCASIONALLY I LAY ONE ON THE BACK OF THE COUCH 411 00:15:51,121 --> 00:15:53,351 AND I WATCH A MOVIE WITH IT. (smacks lips) 412 00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:54,723 (cheers and applause) 413 00:15:54,724 --> 00:15:56,964 (amplified voice) THANK YOU, LADIES. 414 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,626 THIS FIRST SONG GOES OUT TO A CERTAIN WOMAN 415 00:15:59,629 --> 00:16:02,659 WHO'S BEEN DENYING HERSELF SOMETHING FOR A LONG TIME. 416 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:08,302 IT'S CALLED "TRY IT AGAIN: RENEE'S SONG." 417 00:16:08,298 --> 00:16:10,468 ♪ HEY, SWEET RENEE, THERE'LL COME A DAY ♪ 418 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,370 ♪ WHEN YOU MAY SAY, "AM I REALLY GAY?" ♪ 419 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,342 ♪ IF YOU SAY NAY, THAT'S OKAY ♪ 420 00:16:14,344 --> 00:16:16,554 ♪ YOU CAN SWAY THE OTHER WAY ♪ 421 00:16:16,546 --> 00:16:18,446 (crowd murmuring) 422 00:16:18,448 --> 00:16:20,508 ♪ YOU CAN TRY IT AGAIN ♪ 423 00:16:20,510 --> 00:16:22,610 HEY. HE'S A TURNER. 424 00:16:22,612 --> 00:16:24,652 (crowd) YEAH. 425 00:16:24,654 --> 00:16:27,024 WAIT, WHAT? WHAT'S A TURNER? 426 00:16:27,017 --> 00:16:28,657 YOU THINK ALL GAY WOMEN ARE JUST WAITING 427 00:16:28,658 --> 00:16:31,488 FOR THE RIGHT MAN TO COME ALONG AND TURN THEM STRAIGHT? 428 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:32,991 HOW DARE YOU? 429 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,162 (women shouting indistinctly) 430 00:16:34,164 --> 00:16:38,534 NO! I'M NOT TRYING TO TURN ALL GAY WOMEN. 431 00:16:38,528 --> 00:16:41,628 I JUST WANT TO SUGGEST IT AS A POSSIBILITY TO THAT ONE. 432 00:16:41,631 --> 00:16:43,031 (sighs) 433 00:16:43,033 --> 00:16:44,373 HI, RENEE. 434 00:16:44,374 --> 00:16:45,714 YOU SHOULD LEAVE, CRAIG. 435 00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,635 (crowd) YEAH. 436 00:16:47,637 --> 00:16:49,607 ♪ SHOULD I LEAVE? ♪ 437 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:50,609 YES, YOU SHOULD. 438 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,480 OKAY, OKAY, I'M SORRY. 439 00:16:52,482 --> 00:16:54,682 HEY, SWEETIE. 440 00:16:54,684 --> 00:16:55,694 HEY, HONEY. 441 00:16:55,685 --> 00:16:57,015 HEY. 442 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,716 SO, UH, YOU WANT TO GO DO SOMETHING FUN TO ME IN THE CAR 443 00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,389 WHICH I MAY OR MAY NOT RECIPROCATE? 444 00:17:01,391 --> 00:17:02,751 UH, NO. 445 00:17:02,752 --> 00:17:04,692 ARE YOU SURE? BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE YOUR BODY. 446 00:17:04,694 --> 00:17:07,034 ALTHOUGH, AS YOU CAN TELL FROM MY BODY, 447 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,096 I HAVE INCREDIBLY LOW STANDARDS FOR BODIES. 448 00:17:09,099 --> 00:17:10,529 OKAY. WE'RE DONE. 449 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,600 BUT I WAS GONNA ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR DAY. 450 00:17:13,603 --> 00:17:17,043 (high-pitched voice) NOW I'M LONELY! 451 00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:22,108 HUH. FRUITY FRUIT SQUARES NOW COME IN GRAPE. 452 00:17:22,112 --> 00:17:24,812 THAT'S NEW. (sniffs) GOOD FOR THEM. 453 00:17:24,814 --> 00:17:26,784 HEY, GUYS. YOU SEE THE-- 454 00:17:26,776 --> 00:17:29,176 YEAH. FRUITY FRUIT SQUARES ADDED GRAPE. 455 00:17:29,179 --> 00:17:33,079 WE'RE LIVING IN CRAZY TIMES. THIS IS RICK, THE NEW GUY. 456 00:17:33,083 --> 00:17:35,163 THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME JOIN YOUR GROUP. 457 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,425 IT'S CALLED "DADS CLUB." 458 00:17:36,426 --> 00:17:39,156 NOT CALLED "DADS CLUB." IT'S "HELL'S DADS." 459 00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,529 WELL, I LIKED "DAWN OF THE DADS," 460 00:17:40,530 --> 00:17:42,630 BUT CARL THOUGHT IT WAS TOO SPOOKY. 461 00:17:42,632 --> 00:17:44,692 SO HOW'S IT GOING, RICK? 462 00:17:44,694 --> 00:17:46,804 NOT GOOD. 463 00:17:46,796 --> 00:17:48,696 IT'S MY 4-YEAR-OLD. 464 00:17:48,698 --> 00:17:51,698 HE FAVORS MY WIFE OVER ME. I'M FEELING A LITTLE LEFT OUT. 465 00:17:51,701 --> 00:17:53,841 THAT'S TOUGH, YEAH. BEEN THERE, BEEN THERE. 466 00:17:53,843 --> 00:17:55,753 WELL, THE MOTHER-SON BOND IS STRONG, 467 00:17:55,745 --> 00:17:58,375 BUT YOU WANT TO TRUMP IT? 468 00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:00,248 TEACH THE LITTLE GUY HOW TO PEE OFF A DECK. 469 00:18:00,250 --> 00:18:01,650 SO TRUE. 470 00:18:01,651 --> 00:18:05,321 THERE'S HIS CAR. WHAT IS HE DOING AT THE STOP & SIP? 471 00:18:05,315 --> 00:18:08,785 OOH. MAYBE HE'S GOT A MINI-MART WHORE. THAT'S A REAL THING. (shifts gears) 472 00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:11,618 I KNOW BECAUSE SOME LADY YELLED IT AT ME THE OTHER DAY 473 00:18:11,621 --> 00:18:13,821 WHEN I WAS WEARING SHORT SHORTS AT THE QUICK-N-STOP. 474 00:18:13,823 --> 00:18:15,633 THOSE WERE INSANELY SHORT SHORTS, 475 00:18:15,625 --> 00:18:17,625 AND I DOUBT THAT'S WHAT WILL'S DOING. (seat belt clicks) 476 00:18:17,627 --> 00:18:19,367 BUT HE IS DITCHING ME AT THE WORST TIME OF THE DAY, 477 00:18:19,369 --> 00:18:20,599 AND FOR THAT, HE PAYS. 478 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,170 OH, MY GOD. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? 479 00:18:22,172 --> 00:18:23,532 WHAT? OH. 480 00:18:23,533 --> 00:18:25,613 NATHAN BOUGHT THIS PLASTIC BAT HERE A FEW WEEKS AGO, 481 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,735 BUT IT HAS A CRACK IN IT, SO I MIGHT AS WELL RETURN IT. 482 00:18:27,737 --> 00:18:29,837 MM-HMM. 483 00:18:29,839 --> 00:18:32,439 HAVING A FAMILY AND WORKING FULL-TIME IS HARD, 484 00:18:32,442 --> 00:18:34,512 BUT GETTING TOGETHER FOR THIS HALF-HOUR 485 00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:35,894 WHERE NO ONE WANTS ANYTHING FROM ME, 486 00:18:35,885 --> 00:18:39,785 DRINKING 44 OUNCES OF SODA AND LOOKING AT MAGAZINES-- 487 00:18:39,789 --> 00:18:43,649 I MEAN, THAT MAKES ME A BETTER FATHER AND A BETTER HUSBAND. 488 00:18:43,653 --> 00:18:45,763 THAT'S WHAT "DADLIEST CATCH" IS ALL ABOUT. 489 00:18:45,755 --> 00:18:48,595 I MEAN, WITHOUT THIS GROUP, WHICH WE STILL HAVEN'T NAMED, 490 00:18:48,598 --> 00:18:52,398 I WOULD BE COMPLETELY STRESSED OUT AROUND MY FAMILY, 491 00:18:52,402 --> 00:18:54,762 AND I HAVE THE GREATEST WIFE IN THE WORLD. 492 00:18:54,764 --> 00:18:56,574 I DON'T WANT TO SCREW THAT UP. 493 00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,507 WILL... 494 00:18:59,509 --> 00:19:00,839 THERESA. 495 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,910 WIFE. WITH A BAT! 496 00:19:04,314 --> 00:19:08,724 UH, I-I JUST STOPPED BY, UH, TO PICK UP SOME THINGS 497 00:19:08,718 --> 00:19:11,148 ON THE WAY HOME THAT I THOUGHT THE FAMILY MIGHT ENJOY, 498 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,820 LIKE, SOME, UH, LIGHTERS, UH-- 499 00:19:13,823 --> 00:19:16,533 WILL. IT'S FINE. I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE. 500 00:19:16,526 --> 00:19:19,786 KENNY TOLD ME, AND I AM OKAY WITH IT. 501 00:19:19,789 --> 00:19:21,859 YOU ARE? PARENTING'S HARD. 502 00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:22,861 WE ALL DO LITTLE THINGS 503 00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:25,202 TO GET US THROUGH THE HELL OF RAISING CHILDREN. 504 00:19:25,195 --> 00:19:27,165 REALLY? MM-HMM. 505 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:27,836 WHAT DOYOUDO? 506 00:19:27,837 --> 00:19:29,537 (inhales sharply) 507 00:19:29,539 --> 00:19:32,799 MOMMY? MOMMY? MOM? THERESA? 508 00:19:32,802 --> 00:19:36,852 MRS. KEEN? (sighs) RIDICULOUS. 509 00:19:38,908 --> 00:19:39,808 (Lucy) DADDY? 510 00:19:39,809 --> 00:19:41,649 (Will sputters) YEAH? 511 00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:44,352 SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU DO? 512 00:19:44,354 --> 00:19:48,924 IT'S FINE THAT WE BOTH HAVE OUR LITTLE SECRETS. 513 00:19:48,918 --> 00:19:50,658 MWAH. 514 00:19:50,660 --> 00:19:52,490 BUT MINE'S NOT A SECRET ANYMORE. 515 00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:53,922 SEE YOU AT HOME, BABY DOLL. 516 00:19:53,923 --> 00:19:55,773 "BABY DOLL"? 517 00:19:58,428 --> 00:20:00,198 SO I REALIZED SOMETHING. 518 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,669 APPARENTLY, LESBIANS ARE NOT WOMEN WHO ARE WAITING 519 00:20:02,672 --> 00:20:03,702 FOR THE RIGHT MAN. 520 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,283 THEY'RE ACTUAL LESBIANS. 521 00:20:06,276 --> 00:20:09,376 OHH, LESBIANS. 522 00:20:09,379 --> 00:20:10,509 NO WORD FROM JANE? 523 00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:12,440 IT'S OVER. (sighs) 524 00:20:12,442 --> 00:20:15,792 HONESTY IS NOT A GOOD COLOR ON THE KENSTER. 525 00:20:15,785 --> 00:20:19,385 NEITHER IS CALLING MYSELF "THE KENSTER" 526 00:20:19,389 --> 00:20:22,719 OR POINTING AT MYSELF WITH "THE THUMBSTERS," 527 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:26,762 AND THAT'S THE LAST YOU'LL SEE OF ANY OF THOSE THINGS, 528 00:20:26,756 --> 00:20:27,926 INCLUDING HONESTY. 529 00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:29,997 BY THE WAY, I REALLY LIKE YOUR MUSIC. 530 00:20:29,999 --> 00:20:30,999 REALLY? 531 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,300 SURE. WHY NOT? 532 00:20:33,303 --> 00:20:34,933 (clink) 533 00:20:38,408 --> 00:20:41,268 ♪♪♪ 534 00:20:41,271 --> 00:20:43,411 UH, GRANT? 535 00:20:43,413 --> 00:20:46,823 GRANT, THESE NICE THERAPISTS HELPED KENNY, 536 00:20:46,816 --> 00:20:48,916 AND I THOUGHT MAYBE THEY COULD HELP YOU, TOO. 537 00:20:48,918 --> 00:20:52,448 IS IT ABOUT THE GAME? PLEASE BE ABOUT THE GAME. 538 00:20:52,452 --> 00:20:55,592 WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOU NOW. 539 00:20:55,585 --> 00:20:58,455 GOOD. I WANT YOU TO. 540 00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:00,488 (growls) 541 00:21:00,490 --> 00:21:01,890 DON'T GIVE UP. GRAB IT. 542 00:21:01,891 --> 00:21:04,461 GOOD. 543 00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:06,374 (growls) 544 00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:09,266 IGNORE THAT. HARDER. 545 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,668 YES! (laughs) 546 00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:11,800 STOP! 547 00:21:11,801 --> 00:21:13,941 NO! IGNORE ME! RUN! 548 00:21:13,943 --> 00:21:17,513 GIVE ME THE PHONE! GO! (crying) 40472

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