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1
00:00:02,033 --> 00:00:04,713
DUDE,
I DON'T WANNA SCARE YOU,
2
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,635
BUT YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING DARK
AND MISSHAPEN ON YOUR NECK.
3
00:00:07,638 --> 00:00:12,108
OH, THAT IS TOTALLY CANCER,
AND NOT THE GOOD KIND.
4
00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:14,653
(strained voice)
OH, MY GOD. I'M GONNA DIE!
5
00:00:14,645 --> 00:00:16,315
GLAD YOU DIDN'T WANNA
SCARE HIM, CRAIG.
6
00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:18,417
LOOK AT IT. IT LOOKS LIKE
A CHOCOLATE CHIP.
7
00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:19,519
(cries)
8
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,050
YEAH.
THAT IS A CHOCOLATE CHIP.
9
00:00:22,053 --> 00:00:23,793
OHH. OH, THANK GOD.
10
00:00:23,794 --> 00:00:25,364
(espresso machine hissing)
11
00:00:25,356 --> 00:00:28,196
I DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET ANY
BAD NEWS ABOUT A CHOCOLATE CHIP.
12
00:00:28,199 --> 00:00:31,359
HOW ABOUT THIS?
THERE'S A GIANT CHOCOLATE CHIP
13
00:00:31,362 --> 00:00:33,202
HEADED STRAIGHT TOWARD EARTH.
14
00:00:33,204 --> 00:00:35,544
I'M STILL HAPPY BECAUSE WHEN
IT BREAKS UP IN THE ATMOSPHERE,
15
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:38,036
IT'S GONNA BECOME
WARM CHOCOLATE RAIN,
16
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,308
AND I'LL BE SITTING
ON MY FRONT PORCH
17
00:00:39,310 --> 00:00:41,110
WITH A BIG BOWL
OF COOKIE BATTER
18
00:00:41,112 --> 00:00:43,072
WAITING FOR
THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!
19
00:00:43,074 --> 00:00:45,724
YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS.
20
00:00:45,716 --> 00:00:48,216
YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS.
YEAH.
21
00:00:48,219 --> 00:00:49,419
WHO, ME AND HER?
22
00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:51,320
YEAH, YOU AND HER,
YOU'RE BOTH IDIOTS.
23
00:00:52,423 --> 00:00:54,093
SORRY, MA'AM.
24
00:00:57,088 --> 00:00:58,458
WHERE'S LUCY?
25
00:00:58,459 --> 00:01:01,359
STILL SLEEPING. SHE HAD ONE
OF HER NIGHTMARES LAST NIGHT.
26
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:03,662
REALLY?
WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME?
27
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:06,344
I COULDN'T FIND MY BUCKET
OF WATER OR MY BULLHORN.
28
00:01:07,438 --> 00:01:11,068
MOMMY? MOMMY?
MOM? THERESA?
29
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,371
MRS. KEEN?
30
00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:16,153
(sighs) RIDICULOUS.
31
00:01:16,147 --> 00:01:17,307
DADDY?
32
00:01:17,308 --> 00:01:18,608
(sputters) YEAH?
33
00:01:18,609 --> 00:01:20,309
I'M SORRY, HONEY.
34
00:01:20,311 --> 00:01:21,551
YOU LIVE WITH A BAND
IN COLLEGE,
35
00:01:21,552 --> 00:01:23,112
YOU LEARN TO SLEEP
THROUGH ANYTHING.
36
00:01:23,114 --> 00:01:24,464
OH, I CAN'T HEAR ENOUGH
37
00:01:24,455 --> 00:01:27,155
OF THOSE FUN
"LIVING WITH A BAND" STORIES.
38
00:01:27,158 --> 00:01:29,818
SHE LEARNED TO PLAY EVERY
INSTRUMENT, AND I MEANEVERY--
39
00:01:29,820 --> 00:01:32,720
I GET IT.
HEY. IS MY NEW PHONE HERE?
40
00:01:32,723 --> 00:01:35,533
I WANT TO PUT IT IN THE HOLSTER
I FASHIONED WITH MY LEATHER KIT.
41
00:01:35,526 --> 00:01:36,866
HERE YOU GO.
42
00:01:36,867 --> 00:01:39,667
ANDI HAD THEM INSTALL
THIS COOL NEW TRACKING APP
43
00:01:39,670 --> 00:01:41,430
THAT'LL ALWAYS
LET US KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.
44
00:01:41,432 --> 00:01:43,532
SO NO STRIP CLUBS, MISTER.
45
00:01:43,534 --> 00:01:46,784
EW. STRIP CLUBS? GROSS.
I'M GONNA GO WATCH THIS CHARGE.
46
00:01:46,777 --> 00:01:49,237
I WISH GRANT HAD A SMARTPHONE.
47
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:50,840
I LOVE THE GUY, BUT HE THINKS
48
00:01:50,841 --> 00:01:53,241
TECHNOLOGY DISTRACTS PEOPLE
FROM LIVING IN THE MOMENT,
49
00:01:53,244 --> 00:01:55,194
WHICH I THOUGHT WAS THE POINT.
50
00:01:55,186 --> 00:01:58,216
SO WHAT'S UP WITH ME? NOT MUCH.
51
00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:01,219
JUST DROPPED OFF JANE,
THE AWESOME NEW LADY I'M DATING.
52
00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:02,622
IT'S TRUE--
53
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:05,533
YOU GOT TO KISS A FEW FROGS
BEFORE YOU FIND A PRINCESS,
54
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,196
OR ONE FROG FOR TEN YEARS
55
00:02:07,198 --> 00:02:09,798
UNTIL YOU WANT TO HANG YOURSELF
WITH A SWAMP REED.
56
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:10,900
WHATEVER WEIRD THING
YOU NEED TO DO
57
00:02:10,901 --> 00:02:12,701
TO GET YOUR BODY
TO PERFORM LIKE A MAN.
58
00:02:12,703 --> 00:02:15,143
JANE'S PARENTS
OWN A COFFEEHOUSE.
59
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,665
SHE SAID I COULD
PLAY A GIG THERE.
60
00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:19,237
I MADE UP SOME FLYERS
TO PAPER THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
61
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:23,240
NATHAN, I'M BORROWING YOUR BIKE!
COME HELP ME MOVE THE SEAT!
62
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,354
SO THAT'S GREAT
IT'S WORKING OUT WITH JANE.
63
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:27,346
YEAH, SHE WANTS ME
TO MEET HER PARENTS.
64
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,878
WELL, THAT'S THE END OF THAT.
65
00:02:28,879 --> 00:02:30,279
OH, KENNY'S NOT BAD
WITH PARENTS.
66
00:02:30,281 --> 00:02:32,621
HE'S JUST BAD WITH MOMS.
REALLY BAD.
67
00:02:32,623 --> 00:02:34,593
LIKE, WRITTEN APOLOGY BAD.
68
00:02:34,585 --> 00:02:37,325
LIKE, WRAPPED IN AN AREA RUG
AND DRAGGED INTO THE FOREST BAD.
69
00:02:37,328 --> 00:02:39,858
YEAH, I'M GOOD WITH DADS.
THEY'RE ALL...
70
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:42,860
(low-pitched voice) "YEAH,"
"SPORTS," "THINGS ON THE GRILL."
71
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:45,603
(whispers) MOMS...
(normal voice) THEY LIKE TO PRY,
72
00:02:45,596 --> 00:02:47,796
GET UNDER YOUR HOOD,
TINKER AROUND.
73
00:02:47,798 --> 00:02:50,198
I GOT STUFF UNDER THERE
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
74
00:02:50,201 --> 00:02:52,301
YEAH, LIKE THE TIME
YOU GAVE THAT GUY 200 BUCKS
75
00:02:52,303 --> 00:02:54,483
FOR NUNCHAKU LESSONS,
AND WHEN YOU GOT TO HIS HOUSE,
76
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:56,345
ALL HE WANTED TO DO
WAS BRUSH YOUR HAIR?
77
00:02:56,347 --> 00:02:58,707
YEAH, SENSEI JERRY WAS WEIRD.
78
00:03:01,312 --> 00:03:03,912
WOW. THERE ARE A LOT
OF HOT GIRLS IN HERE.
(mouths word)
79
00:03:03,914 --> 00:03:06,764
WHICH ONE WILL I CHOOSE
TO BE MY LOVER?
80
00:03:06,757 --> 00:03:10,317
I'M SO NERVOUS ABOUT MEETING
JANE'S MOM. WHAT AM I GONNA SAY?
81
00:03:10,321 --> 00:03:13,191
START WITH A QUESTION ABOUT
HER DAUGHTER. MOMS LOVE THAT.
82
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,703
(strumming)
OKAY. HOW ABOUT...
"DID JANE POP RIGHT OUT OF YOU,
83
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:20,197
OR WAS IT A STRUGGLE,
LIKE TRYING TO BATHE A CAT?"
84
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,300
IS THAT WEIRD?
THAT'S WEIRD, RIGHT?
85
00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:23,503
HI, GUYS.
86
00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:26,414
HI.
SO, KENNY, ARE YOU READY
TO MEET MY PARENTS?
87
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:29,377
WAIT A MINUTE.
ARE BOTH YOUR PARENTS WOMEN,
88
00:03:29,380 --> 00:03:31,380
OR IS YOUR DAD, LIKE,
FRENCH OR SOMETHING?
89
00:03:31,382 --> 00:03:33,642
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU KNOW
THAT MY PARENTS ARE LESBIANS.
90
00:03:33,644 --> 00:03:36,354
I KEEP SAYING I'M EXCITED
FOR YOU TO MEET MY MOMS?
91
00:03:36,347 --> 00:03:39,287
OH.I THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING,
LIKE, AN URBAN THING.
92
00:03:39,290 --> 00:03:42,250
YOU KNOW...
"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOMS."
93
00:03:42,253 --> 00:03:44,403
THAT'S WHY I KEPT SAYING,
"WORD."
94
00:03:44,395 --> 00:03:46,355
YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THIS, DO YOU?
95
00:03:46,357 --> 00:03:50,297
TWO MOMS. (laughs)
DOUBLE THE MOMS!
96
00:03:50,301 --> 00:03:51,301
(laughs)
97
00:03:51,302 --> 00:03:53,932
ROCK ON! (laughs) YAY.
98
00:03:55,766 --> 00:03:57,736
(resumes strumming)
HI. I'M RENEE,
THE MANAGER HERE.
99
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,368
OH, HI. I'M CRAIG.
100
00:03:59,370 --> 00:04:00,710
SO DO YOU HAVE
EVERYTHING YOU NEED?
101
00:04:00,711 --> 00:04:02,011
A RISER, A MICROPHONE,
102
00:04:02,012 --> 00:04:03,372
AND A ROOM FULL
OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
103
00:04:03,374 --> 00:04:04,724
(both laugh)
104
00:04:04,715 --> 00:04:05,875
IS IT LADIES' NIGHT?
105
00:04:05,876 --> 00:04:07,516
UH, IT'S ALWAYS LADIES' NIGHT
AROUND HERE,
106
00:04:07,518 --> 00:04:08,918
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
(chuckles)
107
00:04:08,919 --> 00:04:10,849
HEH HEH!
108
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,681
I'M SORRY.
IDON'TKNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
109
00:04:12,683 --> 00:04:14,733
IT'S A LESBIAN COFFEEHOUSE,
110
00:04:14,725 --> 00:04:16,685
AND WE'VE NEVER HAD
A MALE PERFORMER HERE,
111
00:04:16,687 --> 00:04:20,357
SO THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
GOOD LUCK.
112
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,391
THANKS.
113
00:04:21,392 --> 00:04:23,632
"WHICH ONE OF US
DID JANE COME OUT OF?"
114
00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,574
THAT'S AN INTERESTING
FIRST QUESTION.
115
00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:28,266
(chuckles) YEAH, I'M SORRY.
CAN I START OVER?
116
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,668
THAT WOULD MEAN
WE BOTH HAVE TO KEEP HOLDING
117
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:32,540
THESE POLITE SMILES,
BUT SURE, GO AHEAD.
118
00:04:32,543 --> 00:04:35,953
SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU
OWNED THIS COFFEEHOUSE?
119
00:04:35,946 --> 00:04:37,676
THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
120
00:04:38,909 --> 00:04:40,279
IT'S BEEN ABOUT A YEAR.
121
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,350
AND DID THE LESBIANS
COME WITH THIS PLACE,
122
00:04:41,352 --> 00:04:43,852
OR DO YOU HAVE TO
LURE THEM IN SOMEHOW?
123
00:04:43,854 --> 00:04:45,524
AND HE'S OFF AGAIN.
124
00:04:45,516 --> 00:04:47,386
I'M SORRY.
I GET NERVOUS AROUND MOMS,
125
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,618
THE WAY THEY DIG INTO YOUR BRAIN
AND THEY NEVER STOP UNTIL
126
00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:53,020
THEY FIGURE OUT ALL THE WEIRD
STUFF NO ONE SHOULD EVER KNOW.
127
00:04:53,023 --> 00:04:56,333
BUT I'M SURE THAT, UM,
YOU GUYS AREN'T LIKE THAT.
128
00:04:56,327 --> 00:04:59,727
SO WHAT DID YOU DO
BEFORE YOU OWNED THIS PLACE?
129
00:04:59,730 --> 00:05:01,430
WE'RE BOTH THERAPISTS.
130
00:05:01,432 --> 00:05:03,672
SUCK IT.
131
00:05:03,674 --> 00:05:05,984
(indistinct conversations)
132
00:05:05,976 --> 00:05:07,936
(amplified voice)
HELLO, LESBIANS.
133
00:05:07,938 --> 00:05:09,338
(conversations stop)
134
00:05:09,340 --> 00:05:11,410
UH, MY NAME IS CRAIG GRIFFITH,
135
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:14,892
AND, UH, THIS SONG
IS CALLED "BLUE GIRL."
136
00:05:14,885 --> 00:05:17,515
♪ BLUE GIRL ♪
137
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,388
♪ TELL ME ♪
138
00:05:19,390 --> 00:05:22,350
(crowd murmuring)
♪ WHAT'S GOTCHA DOWN? ♪
139
00:05:22,353 --> 00:05:25,463
♪ WHAT'S GONNA SET YOU FREE? ♪
140
00:05:25,456 --> 00:05:28,056
(murmuring continues)
141
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:33,800
♪ IS IT BECAUSE
SOCIETY'S CONVINCED YOU ♪
142
00:05:33,804 --> 00:05:36,414
♪ THAT YOU NEED A MAN? ♪
143
00:05:36,407 --> 00:05:39,467
♪♪♪
144
00:05:39,470 --> 00:05:41,410
♪ YOU DON'T NEED A MAN ♪
145
00:05:43,474 --> 00:05:46,624
(gravelly voice)
♪ YOU DON'T NEED A MAN! ♪
146
00:05:46,617 --> 00:05:48,377
(woman cheers)
147
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:53,351
HEY. GRANT. WHATCHA DOING?
148
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,663
OH, JUST ENJOYING
THIS BEAUTIFUL MORNING.
149
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,986
CHECK OUT THIS TREE.
IT'S FULL OF SURPRISES.
150
00:05:57,988 --> 00:06:01,388
NAH, IT NEVER IS.
HEY. I GOT YOU A PRESENT.
151
00:06:01,392 --> 00:06:05,902
IT IS A BRAND... NEW...
SMARTPHONE.
152
00:06:05,896 --> 00:06:07,436
THANKS,
153
00:06:07,438 --> 00:06:09,868
BUT MY CURRENT PHONE
SUITS ME FINE.
154
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:12,700
BUT, GRANT, LOOK AT
ALL THESE THINGS IT CAN DO.
155
00:06:12,703 --> 00:06:16,113
HERE YOU HAVE YOUR MAPS.
HERE YOU CAN FIND ANY BUSINESS.
156
00:06:16,106 --> 00:06:17,606
HMM.
PRESS THIS,
157
00:06:17,608 --> 00:06:20,908
AND YOU HEAR
A SAD TROMBONE SOUND.
(wah-wah horn plays)
158
00:06:20,911 --> 00:06:22,381
(laughs)
159
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:25,092
THIS IS VERY KIND OF YOU,
BUT I DON'T NEED THESE THINGS.
160
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:28,515
I HAVE MY LAMINATED ROAD ATLAS,
A COPY OF THE YELLOW PAGES,
161
00:06:28,519 --> 00:06:30,089
AND A BEAUTIFUL
SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS.
162
00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:31,090
MM.
163
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,561
AND AS YOU KNOW...
164
00:06:32,563 --> 00:06:34,503
I PLAY A REAL TROMBONE.
165
00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,965
MMM.
166
00:06:35,966 --> 00:06:37,796
OOH, LOOK.
167
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:40,698
HERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T
HAVE A LAME, OLD VERSION OF.
168
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,601
IT'S A GAME
CALLED "ANGRY BIRDS."
169
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,583
SEE? YOU THROW THESE BIRDS
AT THOSE PIGS.
170
00:06:44,575 --> 00:06:46,805
I DON'T BELIEVE IN THROWING
ANIMALS AT ONE ANOTHER.
171
00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:49,037
BUT THE PIGS HAVE STOLEN
THE BIRDS' EGGS.
172
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:51,480
WELL, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
173
00:06:55,185 --> 00:06:58,415
I KILLED LAST NIGHT
AT THAT COFFEEHOUSE.
174
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,748
ONCE I FOUND MY LESBIAN GROOVE,
I WAS UNSTOPPABLE.
175
00:07:01,752 --> 00:07:03,152
IN FACT,
I WROTE A SONG CALLED
176
00:07:03,153 --> 00:07:06,163
"MY LESBIAN GROOVE
IS UNSTOPPABLE."
177
00:07:06,156 --> 00:07:07,926
HEY, GUYS.
178
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,698
REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO HAVE
CONVERSATIONS? THAT WAS FUN.
179
00:07:10,701 --> 00:07:13,131
OH, SORRY. I GOT
THIS TRACKING APP FOR NATHAN.
180
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,613
IT'S GREAT.
I CAN FOLLOW HIS EVERY MOVE.
181
00:07:15,606 --> 00:07:17,866
OH, NO--DON'T DO IT, MAN.
182
00:07:17,868 --> 00:07:19,908
NO, NOT BACK TO THE MODEL TRAIN
STORE. (clicks teeth) UGH.
183
00:07:19,910 --> 00:07:21,940
STUPID PIG.
184
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:25,582
EASY. HE'S ONLY 13.
HE'S STILL FINDING HIS WAY.
185
00:07:25,576 --> 00:07:27,646
NO. THIS--
THIS "ANGRY BIRDS" GAME.
186
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:31,778
THESE PIGS--
THEIR BEHAVIOR'S UNTENABLE.
187
00:07:31,782 --> 00:07:34,692
HELLO, TROLLS...
MYSELF INCLUDED.
188
00:07:34,685 --> 00:07:36,825
OH, HEY, SO CRAIG TELLS US
189
00:07:36,827 --> 00:07:39,557
YOU FOUND YOURSELF
IN A DOUBLE-MOM SITUATION?
190
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,060
NOT JUST TWO MOMS--
TWO THERAPIST MOMS.
191
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,602
THAT SOUNDS MORE TERRIFYING
THAN YOUR WORST FEAR--
192
00:07:44,595 --> 00:07:47,665
A BADGER
WITH THE FACE OF A MAN.
193
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:50,638
OOH. CAN WE PLEASE
NOT TALK ABOUTMADGERS?
194
00:07:50,641 --> 00:07:52,001
(gravelly voice) KENNY...
195
00:07:52,002 --> 00:07:53,002
STOP IT.
196
00:07:53,003 --> 00:07:54,473
(normal voice) SORRY.
197
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:58,014
ACTUALLY, THINGS ENDED UP GOING
SURPRISINGLY WELL WITH THE MOMS.
198
00:07:58,008 --> 00:07:59,178
AND THEN WHEN I WAS 8,
199
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:01,479
MY MOM ACCIDENTALLY
FORGOT ME AT THE MALL.
200
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,811
AND THAT WAS AFTER
SHE "ACCIDENTALLY" FORGOT YOU
201
00:08:03,814 --> 00:08:06,594
AT THE DRY CLEANERS, THE GROCERY
STORE, AND THE AMUSEMENT PARK?
202
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:07,917
AND THE BEACH,
THE COUNTY DUMP,
203
00:08:07,918 --> 00:08:09,758
AND JUST OVER
THE CANADIAN BORDER?
204
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,490
(whispers) YES.
205
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,591
WERE YOU EVER HONEST
WITH YOUR MOTHER
206
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:13,793
ABOUT HOW THAT
MADE YOU FEEL?
207
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:16,234
NO,
BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE HONEST,
208
00:08:16,226 --> 00:08:18,866
THEN PEOPLE STOP LOVING YOU,
RIGHT?
209
00:08:18,869 --> 00:08:20,729
THERE IT IS.
210
00:08:24,074 --> 00:08:25,784
I REALLY OPENED UP.
211
00:08:25,776 --> 00:08:28,106
CALLED MY MOM THIS MORNING,
TOLD HER HOW I FELT,
212
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,538
GOTTHATMONKEY OFF MY BACK.
213
00:08:29,540 --> 00:08:32,140
ALTHOUGH,
THANKS TO LINDA AND CARROLL,
214
00:08:32,142 --> 00:08:35,692
I REALIZED MY BACK IS COMPLETELY
COVERED IN MONKEYS.
215
00:08:35,686 --> 00:08:37,616
(cell phone rings, beep)
216
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:38,618
HEY, HONEY. WHAT'S UP?
217
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:39,619
Hi!
218
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,050
HOW'S LUNCH AT SCARDINO'S?
219
00:08:41,051 --> 00:08:45,161
UH, H-HOW DO YOU KNOW
WHERE I AM? ARE YOU HERE?
220
00:08:45,155 --> 00:08:48,725
NO, I HAD THAT TRACKING APP
INSTALLED ON ALL OUR PHONES.
221
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:51,599
SO... YOU'LL ALWAYS KNOW
HOW TO FIND ME?
222
00:08:51,602 --> 00:08:53,602
YEAH, HOW FUN IS THAT?
223
00:08:53,604 --> 00:08:55,844
AND I SEE THAT YOU'RE RIGHT
ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE MALL.
224
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,936
CAN YOU RUN A COUPLE
QUICK ERRANDS FOR ME?
225
00:08:57,938 --> 00:08:58,938
UM...
226
00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,539
Great. I'll text you a list.
227
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,870
THANKS, HONEY.
228
00:09:01,872 --> 00:09:02,872
BUT... (sighs)
229
00:09:02,873 --> 00:09:04,113
(beep)
230
00:09:04,114 --> 00:09:05,584
OH, GOD.
(sets down cell phone)
231
00:09:05,576 --> 00:09:07,216
THERESA'S GONNA KNOW
MY EVERY MOVE.
232
00:09:07,217 --> 00:09:08,677
THAT PIG'S GOTTA DIE.
233
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:11,651
OH.
234
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:12,652
THE GAME.
235
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:13,683
RIGHT.
236
00:09:18,028 --> 00:09:19,828
I DON'T KNOW, GUYS.
237
00:09:19,830 --> 00:09:21,590
SEEING YOU ON THE FLOOR
LIKE THIS,
238
00:09:21,592 --> 00:09:23,132
GETTING READY TO SUFFOCATE ME,
239
00:09:23,133 --> 00:09:26,003
I GOTTA BE HONEST,
I'M HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS.
240
00:09:25,996 --> 00:09:27,696
WE'RE NOT GOING
TO SUFFOCATE YOU.
241
00:09:27,698 --> 00:09:28,968
IT'LLFEELLIKE
WE'RE SUFFOCATING YOU.
242
00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:30,669
AND IF SOMETHING WENT WRONG,
243
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:32,101
THEN THE CORONER'S REPORT
WOULDSAYWE SUFFOCATED YOU.
244
00:09:32,102 --> 00:09:34,952
BUT WHAT WE'RE ACTUALLY DOING
IS REBIRTHING YOU,
245
00:09:34,945 --> 00:09:36,945
BECAUSE OFTEN,
PEOPLE WITH MULTIPLE ISSUES
246
00:09:36,947 --> 00:09:38,947
CAN BE HELPED BY REVISITING
THEIR FIRST TRAUMA...
247
00:09:38,949 --> 00:09:41,009
WHICH IS BIRTH...
248
00:09:41,011 --> 00:09:43,681
OR FIGHTING OFF TWO LESBIANS
WHO ARE TRYING TO SUFFOCATE YOU.
249
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,164
JUST KIDDING.
250
00:09:45,155 --> 00:09:49,215
WHAT THE HECK? DIAL ME UP
TO 10 CENTIMETERS, LADIES.
251
00:09:49,219 --> 00:09:51,089
I'M IN!
252
00:09:52,162 --> 00:09:53,792
PUSH, KENNY.
253
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:56,374
PUSH YOUR WAY INTO THE WORLD.
START YOUR LIFE ANEW.
254
00:09:56,366 --> 00:10:00,096
FIGHT, KENNY!
FIGHT TO BE BORN!
255
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,970
(pants)
256
00:10:02,973 --> 00:10:06,183
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KENNY!
257
00:10:06,176 --> 00:10:08,976
I HAVE A LITTLE VACATION TIME
SAVED UP,
258
00:10:08,979 --> 00:10:12,279
SO I FOUND THIS AMAZING VILLA
IN COZUMEL, AND I THOUGHT
259
00:10:12,282 --> 00:10:15,022
MAYBE THE TWO OF US COULD HAVE
A ROMANTIC WEEKEND SOMETIME.
260
00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:17,185
COZUMEL. MM-HMM.
261
00:10:19,189 --> 00:10:20,819
YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME NOW,
AREN'T YOU?
262
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,851
I CAN'T STOP.
IT'S NO LONGER CLEAR
263
00:10:22,853 --> 00:10:26,033
WHETHER I'M PLAYING THE GAME
OR THE GAME'S PLAYING ME.
264
00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:31,700
(amplified voice) THIS ONE'S FOR
ALL MY STRONG SISTERS OUT THERE.
265
00:10:31,702 --> 00:10:33,032
WE HEAR YOU.
266
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:35,073
♪ TWO LOCKS ♪
267
00:10:35,065 --> 00:10:39,835
♪ WHO NEEDS A KEY
WHEN YOU'VE GOT TWO LOCKS? ♪
268
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,040
♪ ONE LOCK FOR YOU,
ONE LOCK FOR ME ♪
269
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,012
♪ AND THE FRICTION
SETS US FREE ♪
270
00:10:44,014 --> 00:10:47,284
♪ AND YOU REALLY
DON'T NEED A KEY ♪
271
00:10:47,277 --> 00:10:54,377
♪ I'M GOING DOWN, DOWN,
DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪
272
00:10:54,384 --> 00:10:56,234
♪ ON-- ♪
273
00:10:56,226 --> 00:10:58,156
(Craig) WHOO!
274
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,388
(all) ♪ NO-MAN-LAND ♪
275
00:11:00,390 --> 00:11:02,260
♪ FELLAS,
TELL YOUR STORY WALKIN' ♪
276
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,862
♪ NO-MAN-LAND ♪
277
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:06,244
♪ GENTLEMEN NEED NOT APPLY ♪
278
00:11:06,236 --> 00:11:07,736
♪ NO-MAN-LAND ♪
279
00:11:07,738 --> 00:11:10,138
♪ LET YOUR OVARIES
DO THE TALKIN' ♪
280
00:11:10,140 --> 00:11:11,100
♪ YOU AND I ♪
281
00:11:11,101 --> 00:11:12,271
♪ SETTLE DOWN ♪
282
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:14,002
♪ HAND IN HAND ♪
283
00:11:14,004 --> 00:11:17,754
♪ IN NO-MAN-LAND ♪
284
00:11:17,748 --> 00:11:20,978
(crowd cheering)
285
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:25,263
CRAIG, YOU WERE AMAZING.
286
00:11:25,255 --> 00:11:26,415
THANKS, RENEE.
287
00:11:26,416 --> 00:11:27,816
I JUST WISH I DIDN'T
HAVE TO SING INTO SOMETHING
288
00:11:27,818 --> 00:11:30,118
SHAPED LIKE THIS SYMBOL
OF MALE DOMINANCE.
289
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,690
(chuckles) YOU KNOW,
IF I WERE STILL SLEEPING
290
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:36,002
WITH MEN INSTEAD OF WOMEN,
I WOULD BE ALL OVER YOU.
291
00:11:37,768 --> 00:11:40,298
RENEE SAID
SHE'D BE ALL OVER ME.
292
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:43,100
I THINK I HAVE A SHOT,
AND WHY WOULDN'T I?
293
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:46,783
I AM A LESBIAN FOLK HERO. I FILL
WOMEN'S GAY HEARTS WITH SONG.
294
00:11:46,777 --> 00:11:49,207
I'M HAPPY FOR YOU,
AND IN ALL HONESTY,
295
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,739
I'M ALSO SURPRISED, BECAUSE OF
YOUR MODEST LEVEL OF TALENT,
296
00:11:51,742 --> 00:11:53,182
AND IN FURTHER HONESTY,
297
00:11:53,183 --> 00:11:56,093
I'M WEARING YOUR SOCKS AND HAVE
NO PLANS TO RETURN THEM.
298
00:11:56,086 --> 00:11:59,186
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?
I'VE HAD A BREAKTHROUGH.
299
00:11:59,189 --> 00:12:01,919
I'M STARTING WITH A CLEAN SLATE
NOW, AND ACCORDING TO THE MOMS,
300
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:04,292
I HAVE TO BE TOTALLY HONEST
WITH MYSELF AND THOSE AROUND ME,
301
00:12:04,294 --> 00:12:05,234
MY OVERPAID FRIEND.
302
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,225
I EARN MY MONEY.
303
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,296
EH.
304
00:12:07,297 --> 00:12:09,357
OKAY, LISTEN, I GOT A PROBLEM.
305
00:12:09,359 --> 00:12:11,099
I NEED ONE OF YOU
TO TAKE MY PHONE LATER TODAY,
306
00:12:11,101 --> 00:12:13,231
AND IF THERESA CALLS,
PRETEND TO BE ME
307
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,973
AND TEXT HER BACK
THAT I'M STUCK IN A MEETING.
308
00:12:14,965 --> 00:12:16,865
THAT'S NOT HONEST, SO I'M OUT.
309
00:12:16,867 --> 00:12:18,137
AND I WILL NOT HELP A MAN
310
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:20,268
PUT ONE OVER ON HIS SISTER
LIKE THAT.
311
00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:21,410
COME ON, GUYS.
312
00:12:21,411 --> 00:12:23,911
THERESA'S TRACKING MY EVERY MOVE
WITH THIS NEW PHONE APP.
313
00:12:23,914 --> 00:12:25,124
WHAT DO YOU CARE?
YOU HAVE NO LIFE.
314
00:12:25,115 --> 00:12:27,115
I HAVE A LIFE.
EH.
315
00:12:27,117 --> 00:12:31,317
OKAY. THERE'S SOMEPLACE I GO
EVERY DAY FOR HALF AN HOUR
316
00:12:31,321 --> 00:12:32,381
ON MY WAY HOME FROM WORK,
317
00:12:32,382 --> 00:12:34,252
AND THERESA DOESN'T KNOW
ABOUT IT.
318
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:37,464
OOH, REALLY?
VERY MYSTERIOUS.
319
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:38,927
HAVING AN AFFAIR?
BOTOX?
320
00:12:38,929 --> 00:12:40,159
DIGGING A WELL?
HOG-TYING?
321
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,790
TRAINING MONKEYS?
SKEET SHOOTING?
322
00:12:41,792 --> 00:12:43,492
GRAVE ROBBING?
IT'S GRAVE ROBBING, ISN'T IT?
323
00:12:43,493 --> 00:12:45,873
LOOK AT YOU. IT'S OBVIOUS.
UGH, I'M GONNA BE SICK.
324
00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:47,296
NO, IT'S NONE OF THAT.
325
00:12:47,297 --> 00:12:49,337
JUST AN INNOCENT THING
I DO TO UNWIND.
326
00:12:49,339 --> 00:12:50,339
CAR WASH?
BattleBots?
327
00:12:50,340 --> 00:12:52,100
RIBBON DANCING?
STOP GUESSING.
328
00:12:52,102 --> 00:12:53,302
IT'S JUST SOMEWHERE I GO--
329
00:12:53,303 --> 00:12:55,483
SPAIN.
(scoffs)
330
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:58,245
IT'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN DOING
SINCE THE KIDS WERE LITTLE,
331
00:12:58,248 --> 00:13:00,248
BUT IF THERESA FINDS OUT I DON'T
GO DIRECTLY HOME AFTER WORK,
332
00:13:00,250 --> 00:13:03,110
SHE'LL THINK I'M SHIRKING
MY RESPONSIBILITIES AS A DAD.
333
00:13:03,113 --> 00:13:05,023
AREN'T YOU?
YES.
334
00:13:05,015 --> 00:13:09,255
I MEAN, BETWEEN WORK,
THE CHAOS AT HOME, YOU GUYS,
335
00:13:09,259 --> 00:13:11,289
GETTING UP WITH LUCY
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT--
336
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,491
I-I NEED A BREAK.
337
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,233
WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT THERESA
TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE,
338
00:13:15,225 --> 00:13:16,395
JUST GET RID OF YOUR PHONE.
339
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:19,426
YEAH. THAT WAY, ANYTIME
YOU WANT, YOU CAN GO TO THE...
340
00:13:19,429 --> 00:13:21,399
TEEN CHOICE AWARDS?
OKTOBERFEST?
341
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:23,501
GET OUT.
342
00:13:25,335 --> 00:13:26,975
SO I BOUGHT GRANT
THIS NEW SMARTPHONE,
343
00:13:26,977 --> 00:13:29,177
AND NOW HE'S ADDICTED
TO THIS STUPID GAME,
344
00:13:29,179 --> 00:13:30,909
AND HE CAN'T STOP PLAYING IT.
345
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:33,211
I GUESS YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST
ACCEPTED HIM FOR WHO HE WAS--
346
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:36,493
A WARM, GENEROUS MAN
WHO BUYS PLANE TICKETS
347
00:13:36,486 --> 00:13:38,546
BY WRITING A LETTER
TO HIS TRAVEL AGENT.
348
00:13:38,548 --> 00:13:39,548
MM.
349
00:13:39,549 --> 00:13:40,549
HEY.
350
00:13:40,550 --> 00:13:42,590
HEY. I WAS LOOKING
FOR YOU TODAY.
351
00:13:42,592 --> 00:13:44,322
YOU WERE OFF THE GRID.
352
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,604
MM. YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? UH...
353
00:13:46,596 --> 00:13:49,496
I GOT RID OF MY PHONE AND, UH,
TOOK GRANT'S OLD PHONE.
354
00:13:49,499 --> 00:13:51,059
WHAT? WHY?
355
00:13:51,061 --> 00:13:53,361
YOU KNOW, GRANT'S RIGHT.
WHO NEEDS ALL THIS TECHNOLOGY?
356
00:13:53,363 --> 00:13:56,513
PLUS THIS THING
IS UNBREAKABLE.
(banging)
357
00:13:56,506 --> 00:13:57,566
HEH.
358
00:13:57,567 --> 00:13:58,937
(rattle)
359
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:01,039
WELL, THAT PROBABLY
WASN'T A GOOD IDEA.
360
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:03,011
BUT HOW AM I GONNA KNOW
WHERE YOU ARE ALL THE TIME?
361
00:14:03,013 --> 00:14:06,323
WELL, LOOK INSIDE YOUR HEART,
BABY DOLL.
362
00:14:06,316 --> 00:14:08,376
THAT'S WHERE I'LL ALWAYS BE.
363
00:14:10,420 --> 00:14:14,020
(chuckles) OHH. "BABY DOLL"?
SOMETHING IS UP.
364
00:14:14,024 --> 00:14:15,364
LAST TIME
HE CALLED ME "BABY DOLL,"
365
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,455
HE CLOGGED THE TOILET
AT THE GOVERNOR'S MANSION.
366
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:19,287
(piano playing)
367
00:14:19,289 --> 00:14:21,129
(clears throat)
LET'S GO HOME, BABY DOLL.
368
00:14:21,131 --> 00:14:23,331
I DON'T NEED
TO MEET THE GOVERNOR.
369
00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:24,973
GOOD LORD.
370
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,995
NEEDLESS TO SAY,
WE HAVE NOT BEEN INVITED BACK.
371
00:14:26,997 --> 00:14:29,537
OHH. WILL'S DEFINITELY
UP TO SOMETHING.
372
00:14:29,539 --> 00:14:31,939
WE SHOULD GO TORTURE KENNY...
YES!
373
00:14:31,942 --> 00:14:34,342
I WAS GONNA SAY,
"TO FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON."
374
00:14:34,344 --> 00:14:35,554
OH, TORTURING KENNY
WITH A GOAL.
375
00:14:35,545 --> 00:14:38,275
SEEMS A LITTLE STRUCTURED,
BUT OKAY.
376
00:14:42,112 --> 00:14:44,082
(indistinct conversations)
377
00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:46,464
LISTEN UP,
LORD OF THE RING DINGS.
378
00:14:46,456 --> 00:14:48,216
WE NEED SOME ANSWERS.
379
00:14:48,218 --> 00:14:49,588
WHY DID WILL
GET RID OF HIS PHONE?
380
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,889
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT
THERESA TRACKING HIM.
381
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,021
WHAT? WHY NOT?
WHERE IS HE GOING?
382
00:14:54,024 --> 00:14:55,204
I HAVE NO IDEA.
383
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,025
DON'T LIE TO US.
I DON'T LIE.
384
00:14:57,027 --> 00:14:59,427
I'VE SQUEEZED THROUGH
AN UPHOLSTERED BIRTH CANAL
385
00:14:59,429 --> 00:15:01,369
INTO A NEW WORLD OF TRUTH.
386
00:15:01,371 --> 00:15:02,471
BEHOLD.
387
00:15:02,472 --> 00:15:04,272
WHEN WE WERE COMING BACK
FROM BELIZE,
388
00:15:04,274 --> 00:15:06,084
I'M THE ONE
WHO SUGGESTED TO CUSTOMS
389
00:15:06,076 --> 00:15:07,936
THAT YOU WERE SMUGGLING
DIAMONDS INSIDE OF YOU.
390
00:15:07,938 --> 00:15:09,578
THAT WASYOU?
391
00:15:09,579 --> 00:15:11,579
I BELIEVE
THE EXACT PHRASE I USED WAS
392
00:15:11,581 --> 00:15:12,941
"BUTT FULL OF DIAMONDS."
393
00:15:12,943 --> 00:15:15,053
SORRY. I WAS MAD
YOU DIDN'T LET ME
394
00:15:15,045 --> 00:15:16,645
HAVE THE WINDOW SEAT
ON THE PLANE HOME.
395
00:15:16,646 --> 00:15:19,386
ALL RIGHT, NEW HONEST KENNY.
396
00:15:19,389 --> 00:15:21,649
WHATDOYOU KNOW
ABOUT WHAT WILL'S UP TO?
397
00:15:21,651 --> 00:15:24,391
I KNOW THAT EVERY DAY
FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS,
398
00:15:24,394 --> 00:15:26,664
HE'S BEEN SHIRKING HIS PARENTAL
RESPONSIBILITIES AFTER WORK
399
00:15:26,656 --> 00:15:28,296
INSTEAD OF COMING RIGHT HOME.
400
00:15:28,298 --> 00:15:29,658
UNBELIEVABLE.
401
00:15:29,659 --> 00:15:31,959
SO FOR YEARS, MY HUSBAND'S
BEEN LEAVING ME ALONE
402
00:15:31,962 --> 00:15:33,462
AT THE MOST CHAOTIC TIME
OF THE DAY
403
00:15:33,463 --> 00:15:35,643
SO HE CAN RUN AROUND
DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT?
404
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,365
WELL, I'M SHUTTINGTHATDOWN.
405
00:15:37,367 --> 00:15:40,307
HOW? CREEPY POD KENNY
DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE GOES.
406
00:15:40,310 --> 00:15:42,610
TOMORROW,
I WILL SWING BY WILL'S OFFICE,
407
00:15:42,612 --> 00:15:45,282
SLIP NATHAN'S PHONE
INTO HIS CAR, AND TRACK HIM. HA.
408
00:15:45,275 --> 00:15:46,515
BY THE WAY,
409
00:15:46,516 --> 00:15:49,516
AFTER WE GOT DIVORCED,
I KEPT SEVERAL OF YOUR BRAS.
410
00:15:49,519 --> 00:15:51,119
OCCASIONALLY I LAY ONE
ON THE BACK OF THE COUCH
411
00:15:51,121 --> 00:15:53,351
AND I WATCH A MOVIE WITH IT.
(smacks lips)
412
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:54,723
(cheers and applause)
413
00:15:54,724 --> 00:15:56,964
(amplified voice)
THANK YOU, LADIES.
414
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,626
THIS FIRST SONG GOES OUT
TO A CERTAIN WOMAN
415
00:15:59,629 --> 00:16:02,659
WHO'S BEEN DENYING HERSELF
SOMETHING FOR A LONG TIME.
416
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:08,302
IT'S CALLED "TRY IT AGAIN:
RENEE'S SONG."
417
00:16:08,298 --> 00:16:10,468
♪ HEY, SWEET RENEE,
THERE'LL COME A DAY ♪
418
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,370
♪ WHEN YOU MAY SAY,
"AM I REALLY GAY?" ♪
419
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,342
♪ IF YOU SAY NAY, THAT'S OKAY ♪
420
00:16:14,344 --> 00:16:16,554
♪ YOU CAN SWAY THE OTHER WAY ♪
421
00:16:16,546 --> 00:16:18,446
(crowd murmuring)
422
00:16:18,448 --> 00:16:20,508
♪ YOU CAN TRY IT AGAIN ♪
423
00:16:20,510 --> 00:16:22,610
HEY. HE'S A TURNER.
424
00:16:22,612 --> 00:16:24,652
(crowd) YEAH.
425
00:16:24,654 --> 00:16:27,024
WAIT, WHAT?
WHAT'S A TURNER?
426
00:16:27,017 --> 00:16:28,657
YOU THINK ALL GAY WOMEN
ARE JUST WAITING
427
00:16:28,658 --> 00:16:31,488
FOR THE RIGHT MAN TO COME ALONG
AND TURN THEM STRAIGHT?
428
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:32,991
HOW DARE YOU?
429
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,162
(women shouting indistinctly)
430
00:16:34,164 --> 00:16:38,534
NO! I'M NOT TRYING
TO TURN ALL GAY WOMEN.
431
00:16:38,528 --> 00:16:41,628
I JUST WANT TO SUGGEST IT
AS A POSSIBILITY TO THAT ONE.
432
00:16:41,631 --> 00:16:43,031
(sighs)
433
00:16:43,033 --> 00:16:44,373
HI, RENEE.
434
00:16:44,374 --> 00:16:45,714
YOU SHOULD LEAVE, CRAIG.
435
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,635
(crowd) YEAH.
436
00:16:47,637 --> 00:16:49,607
♪ SHOULD I LEAVE? ♪
437
00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:50,609
YES, YOU SHOULD.
438
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,480
OKAY, OKAY, I'M SORRY.
439
00:16:52,482 --> 00:16:54,682
HEY, SWEETIE.
440
00:16:54,684 --> 00:16:55,694
HEY, HONEY.
441
00:16:55,685 --> 00:16:57,015
HEY.
442
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,716
SO, UH, YOU WANT TO GO DO
SOMETHING FUN TO ME IN THE CAR
443
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,389
WHICH I MAY OR MAY NOT
RECIPROCATE?
444
00:17:01,391 --> 00:17:02,751
UH, NO.
445
00:17:02,752 --> 00:17:04,692
ARE YOU SURE?
BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE YOUR BODY.
446
00:17:04,694 --> 00:17:07,034
ALTHOUGH,
AS YOU CAN TELL FROM MY BODY,
447
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,096
I HAVE INCREDIBLY LOW
STANDARDS FOR BODIES.
448
00:17:09,099 --> 00:17:10,529
OKAY. WE'RE DONE.
449
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,600
BUT I WAS GONNA
ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR DAY.
450
00:17:13,603 --> 00:17:17,043
(high-pitched voice)
NOW I'M LONELY!
451
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:22,108
HUH. FRUITY FRUIT SQUARES
NOW COME IN GRAPE.
452
00:17:22,112 --> 00:17:24,812
THAT'S NEW. (sniffs)
GOOD FOR THEM.
453
00:17:24,814 --> 00:17:26,784
HEY, GUYS. YOU SEE THE--
454
00:17:26,776 --> 00:17:29,176
YEAH. FRUITY FRUIT SQUARES
ADDED GRAPE.
455
00:17:29,179 --> 00:17:33,079
WE'RE LIVING IN CRAZY TIMES.
THIS IS RICK, THE NEW GUY.
456
00:17:33,083 --> 00:17:35,163
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME
JOIN YOUR GROUP.
457
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,425
IT'S CALLED "DADS CLUB."
458
00:17:36,426 --> 00:17:39,156
NOT CALLED "DADS CLUB."
IT'S "HELL'S DADS."
459
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,529
WELL, I LIKED
"DAWN OF THE DADS,"
460
00:17:40,530 --> 00:17:42,630
BUT CARL THOUGHT
IT WAS TOO SPOOKY.
461
00:17:42,632 --> 00:17:44,692
SO HOW'S IT GOING, RICK?
462
00:17:44,694 --> 00:17:46,804
NOT GOOD.
463
00:17:46,796 --> 00:17:48,696
IT'S MY 4-YEAR-OLD.
464
00:17:48,698 --> 00:17:51,698
HE FAVORS MY WIFE OVER ME.
I'M FEELING A LITTLE LEFT OUT.
465
00:17:51,701 --> 00:17:53,841
THAT'S TOUGH, YEAH.
BEEN THERE,
BEEN THERE.
466
00:17:53,843 --> 00:17:55,753
WELL, THE MOTHER-SON BOND
IS STRONG,
467
00:17:55,745 --> 00:17:58,375
BUT YOU WANT TO TRUMP IT?
468
00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:00,248
TEACH THE LITTLE GUY
HOW TO PEE OFF A DECK.
469
00:18:00,250 --> 00:18:01,650
SO TRUE.
470
00:18:01,651 --> 00:18:05,321
THERE'S HIS CAR. WHAT IS HE
DOING AT THE STOP & SIP?
471
00:18:05,315 --> 00:18:08,785
OOH. MAYBE HE'S GOT A MINI-MART
WHORE. THAT'S A REAL THING.
(shifts gears)
472
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:11,618
I KNOW BECAUSE SOME LADY
YELLED IT AT ME THE OTHER DAY
473
00:18:11,621 --> 00:18:13,821
WHEN I WAS WEARING SHORT SHORTS
AT THE QUICK-N-STOP.
474
00:18:13,823 --> 00:18:15,633
THOSE WERE
INSANELY SHORT SHORTS,
475
00:18:15,625 --> 00:18:17,625
AND I DOUBT
THAT'S WHAT WILL'S DOING.
(seat belt clicks)
476
00:18:17,627 --> 00:18:19,367
BUT HE IS DITCHING ME
AT THE WORST TIME OF THE DAY,
477
00:18:19,369 --> 00:18:20,599
AND FOR THAT, HE PAYS.
478
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,170
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
479
00:18:22,172 --> 00:18:23,532
WHAT? OH.
480
00:18:23,533 --> 00:18:25,613
NATHAN BOUGHT THIS PLASTIC BAT
HERE A FEW WEEKS AGO,
481
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,735
BUT IT HAS A CRACK IN IT,
SO I MIGHT AS WELL RETURN IT.
482
00:18:27,737 --> 00:18:29,837
MM-HMM.
483
00:18:29,839 --> 00:18:32,439
HAVING A FAMILY
AND WORKING FULL-TIME IS HARD,
484
00:18:32,442 --> 00:18:34,512
BUT GETTING TOGETHER
FOR THIS HALF-HOUR
485
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:35,894
WHERE NO ONE WANTS
ANYTHING FROM ME,
486
00:18:35,885 --> 00:18:39,785
DRINKING 44 OUNCES OF SODA
AND LOOKING AT MAGAZINES--
487
00:18:39,789 --> 00:18:43,649
I MEAN, THAT MAKES ME A BETTER
FATHER AND A BETTER HUSBAND.
488
00:18:43,653 --> 00:18:45,763
THAT'S WHAT "DADLIEST CATCH"
IS ALL ABOUT.
489
00:18:45,755 --> 00:18:48,595
I MEAN, WITHOUT THIS GROUP,
WHICH WE STILL HAVEN'T NAMED,
490
00:18:48,598 --> 00:18:52,398
I WOULD BE COMPLETELY
STRESSED OUT AROUND MY FAMILY,
491
00:18:52,402 --> 00:18:54,762
AND I HAVE THE GREATEST WIFE
IN THE WORLD.
492
00:18:54,764 --> 00:18:56,574
I DON'T WANT TO SCREW THAT UP.
493
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,507
WILL...
494
00:18:59,509 --> 00:19:00,839
THERESA.
495
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,910
WIFE.
WITH A BAT!
496
00:19:04,314 --> 00:19:08,724
UH, I-I JUST STOPPED BY, UH,
TO PICK UP SOME THINGS
497
00:19:08,718 --> 00:19:11,148
ON THE WAY HOME THAT I THOUGHT
THE FAMILY MIGHT ENJOY,
498
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,820
LIKE, SOME, UH,
LIGHTERS, UH--
499
00:19:13,823 --> 00:19:16,533
WILL. IT'S FINE.
I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.
500
00:19:16,526 --> 00:19:19,786
KENNY TOLD ME,
AND I AM OKAY WITH IT.
501
00:19:19,789 --> 00:19:21,859
YOU ARE?
PARENTING'S HARD.
502
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:22,861
WE ALL DO LITTLE THINGS
503
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:25,202
TO GET US THROUGH
THE HELL OF RAISING CHILDREN.
504
00:19:25,195 --> 00:19:27,165
REALLY?
MM-HMM.
505
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:27,836
WHAT DOYOUDO?
506
00:19:27,837 --> 00:19:29,537
(inhales sharply)
507
00:19:29,539 --> 00:19:32,799
MOMMY? MOMMY?
MOM? THERESA?
508
00:19:32,802 --> 00:19:36,852
MRS. KEEN?
(sighs) RIDICULOUS.
509
00:19:38,908 --> 00:19:39,808
(Lucy) DADDY?
510
00:19:39,809 --> 00:19:41,649
(Will sputters) YEAH?
511
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:44,352
SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU DO?
512
00:19:44,354 --> 00:19:48,924
IT'S FINE THAT WE BOTH
HAVE OUR LITTLE SECRETS.
513
00:19:48,918 --> 00:19:50,658
MWAH.
514
00:19:50,660 --> 00:19:52,490
BUT MINE'S
NOT A SECRET ANYMORE.
515
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:53,922
SEE YOU AT HOME, BABY DOLL.
516
00:19:53,923 --> 00:19:55,773
"BABY DOLL"?
517
00:19:58,428 --> 00:20:00,198
SO I REALIZED SOMETHING.
518
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,669
APPARENTLY, LESBIANS ARE NOT
WOMEN WHO ARE WAITING
519
00:20:02,672 --> 00:20:03,702
FOR THE RIGHT MAN.
520
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,283
THEY'RE ACTUAL LESBIANS.
521
00:20:06,276 --> 00:20:09,376
OHH, LESBIANS.
522
00:20:09,379 --> 00:20:10,509
NO WORD FROM JANE?
523
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:12,440
IT'S OVER. (sighs)
524
00:20:12,442 --> 00:20:15,792
HONESTY IS NOT A GOOD COLOR
ON THE KENSTER.
525
00:20:15,785 --> 00:20:19,385
NEITHER IS CALLING MYSELF
"THE KENSTER"
526
00:20:19,389 --> 00:20:22,719
OR POINTING AT MYSELF
WITH "THE THUMBSTERS,"
527
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:26,762
AND THAT'S THE LAST YOU'LL SEE
OF ANY OF THOSE THINGS,
528
00:20:26,756 --> 00:20:27,926
INCLUDING HONESTY.
529
00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:29,997
BY THE WAY,
I REALLY LIKE YOUR MUSIC.
530
00:20:29,999 --> 00:20:30,999
REALLY?
531
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,300
SURE. WHY NOT?
532
00:20:33,303 --> 00:20:34,933
(clink)
533
00:20:38,408 --> 00:20:41,268
♪♪♪
534
00:20:41,271 --> 00:20:43,411
UH, GRANT?
535
00:20:43,413 --> 00:20:46,823
GRANT, THESE NICE THERAPISTS
HELPED KENNY,
536
00:20:46,816 --> 00:20:48,916
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE
THEY COULD HELP YOU, TOO.
537
00:20:48,918 --> 00:20:52,448
IS IT ABOUT THE GAME?
PLEASE BE ABOUT THE GAME.
538
00:20:52,452 --> 00:20:55,592
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THE PHONE
AWAY FROM YOU NOW.
539
00:20:55,585 --> 00:20:58,455
GOOD. I WANT YOU TO.
540
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:00,488
(growls)
541
00:21:00,490 --> 00:21:01,890
DON'T GIVE UP. GRAB IT.
542
00:21:01,891 --> 00:21:04,461
GOOD.
543
00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:06,374
(growls)
544
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:09,266
IGNORE THAT. HARDER.
545
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,668
YES! (laughs)
546
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:11,800
STOP!
547
00:21:11,801 --> 00:21:13,941
NO! IGNORE ME! RUN!
548
00:21:13,943 --> 00:21:17,513
GIVE ME THE PHONE! GO!
(crying)
40472
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