All language subtitles for Man Up s01e04_English

HEY, DID YOU GUYS
GET MY E-MAIL?

YOU DIDN'T REPLY.

I GOT IT. I JUST DIDN'T READ IT.

I GOT IT, TOO.
WENT RIGHT IN THE TRASH.

WHY?

YOUR E-MAILS ARE BORING,
WILL.

WELL, IF YOUHADREAD IT,
YOU WOULD KNOW

THAT IT HAD DETAILS ABOUT
GOING TO THE CLUB TONIGHT.

AH, YES, TONIGHT.
WE ARE GETTING KENNY HAYDEN

A MAIDEN FOR THE FIRST TIME
SINCE...

IT MIGHT EVEN BE
THE LAST CENTURY.

IT HASN'T BEEN THAT LONG.

YOU'VE BEEN DIVORCED
OVER SIX MONTHS.

YEAH, AND YOU MOVED IN WITH ME
SIX MONTHS BEFORE THAT,

AND I HAVENOTCLOCKED
ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY

OTHER THAN SOME
VERY LONG BATHS.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I TAKE
ACTION FIGURES INTO THE TUB,

AND I PLAY OUT
MARITIME SCENARIOS.

EW.
OKAY, HERE'S THE PLAN.

STARTS OUT, WE GO TO CLUB HAVOC
AT 8:00. (clicks teeth)

AND?

AND SOMEHOW KENNY HAS SEX.

I LOVE THIS PLAN.
IT'S A GOOD PLAN.

REMEMBER, WHEN WE TALK TO
THERESA, WE'RE GOING OUT FOR...

LOBSTERS.
BATTING CAGES.

STEAKS! THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE
TO READ YOUR E-MAILS.

I DON'T WANT THERESA KNOWING
THAT I'M SPENDING THE NIGHT

IN A SINGLES BAR.
I MEAN, I'M NO DR. PHIL...

(nasal voice)
NO, SIR. YOU ARE NOT.

(Southern drawl)
NO, SIR. YOU ARE NOT.

BUT I DO KNOW
THAT WOMEN DON'T LIKE

THEIR HUSBANDS HANGING OUT
IN SINGLES BARS.
NO, SIR. THEY DO NOT.

NO, SIR. THEYDONOT.

GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM NOW,
FELLAS, BECAUSE TONIGHT

AT THE CLUB, WOMEN ARE NOT
GOING TO RESPOND TO THIS.

NO, SIR, THEY WILL NOT.

DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN,
PRETTY FEMALE?

BECAUSE YOU ARE GIVING MY HORSE
A TOUCH OF THE VAPORS.

Captioned by
Closed Captioning Services, Inc.

(dog barking in distance)

SO "EAT, PRAY, LOVE" IS
BASICALLY ABOUT THIS GIRL

WHO GOES ON A JOURNEY
TO, YOU KNOW,

GO FIND HERSELF AND, LIKE,
GET CENTERED AND--

SWEETIE, JUST TELL US
THE MOMENTS

THAT EVERYONE'S GONNA
TALK ABOUT.

WELL... (sighs) SHE HAS
PRETTY INTENSE SEX IN INDONESIA.

(singsongy)
BINGO! WHAT PAGE?

HEY, WHY DON'T
YOU GUYS EVER READ

YOUR OWN BOOKS
FOR BOOK CLUB?

(both) AW.

(chuckles) HONEY,
BOOK CLUBS AREN'T ABOUT BOOKS.

THEY'RE ABOUT GOSSIP
AND DRINKING WINE

AND NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGING

THE SHARED LIE THAT
WE ALL CARE ABOUT LITERATURE.

OKAY, IF ANY OF YOU
EVER REFER TO THIS

AS LITERATURE AGAIN,
I'M MOVING OUT.

(door opens)

HELLO, MS. KEEN.

HELLO,MISS-TAKE.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
SITTING ON THAT ONE?

ABOUT A WEEK.

HE WAS PRACTICING IT
IN THE CAR.

WHERE'S GRANT?
(mouths word)

IS HE OUT UPGRADING
THE WOMAN IN HIS LIFE? ♪ HO ♪

I GUESS THAT'S ALWAYS
A POSSIBILITY

FOR AREALMAN LIKE HIM,
AS OPPOSED

TO A TINY, BEARDED CREATURE
LIKE YOU,

WHO LIVES UNDER A BRIDGE
AND EATS HOBBITS.

FIRST OF ALL,
I WOULDN'T EAT HOBBITS.

I'D ASK THEM RIDDLES.
DUH.

SECONDLY, THERE ARE PLENTY
OF WOMEN OUT THERE FOR ME.

SURE.
YOU'RE A PHARMACEUTICAL REP.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS WAIT FOR A GIRL

TO LEAVE HER DRINK
UNATTENDED.

WHAT? (chuckles) WH-WHY ARE
WE TALKING ABOUT GIRLS?

IT'S ALL GUYS TONIGHT.

JUST GOING OUT
FOR A COUPLE OF STEAKS.

LOBSTERS.
HAIRCUTS.

WE SHOULD GO.

OKAY.

(dance music playing)

(indistinct conversations)

(clink)

IT'S A PICKLE PARTY IN HERE.

THERE'S FOUR WOMEN
IN THE WHOLE PLACE.

YOU ONLY NEED ONE, KENNY.

WELL, SOMETIMES I ENJOY
TWO OR THREE FEMALES IN MY BED.

OH, MY GOD.
HAVE YOU REALLY DONE THAT?

NO, SIR. THE VERY THOUGHT OF IT
CHILLS ME.

GRANT!

(whistles)
NO. NO!

WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?

I INVITED HIM. I THOUGHT
HE COULD HELP OUT.

WILL, I REFUSE TO TRY
TO GET LAID FOR THE FIRST TIME

SINCE MY EX-WIFE
WHILE BEING JUDGED

BY THE GUY THAT IS CURRENTLY
DOING MY EX-WIFE.

I'M SORRY. NO.
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

OHH.

HI.

HEY.

THANK YOU FOR COMING.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME, KEN.

I'M HERE FOR YOU.

(clenching teeth)
PLEASE TELL HIM TO STOP TALKING

TO ME LIKE I HAVE CANCER.

KENNY, KENNY, CHECK IT OUT.
10:00.

SHE'S TOTALLY
CHECKING YOU OUT.

NO, SHE'S NOT.
SHE'S LOOKING AT GRANT.

NO, SHE'S LOOKING AT YOU.
OBSERVE.

SHE'S LOOKING AT YOU,
BUDDY.

(chuckles) OH.

IT IS ME.

SHE MIGHT BE BLIND.

THEN MY CHANCES JUST DOUBLED.

(clatter)
(sighs)

WHAT'S ALL THAT?

JUST SOME PHONE NUMBERS
AND A COUPLE OF ROOM KEYS.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU GET THOSE
WHEN YOU WALK ACROSS A BAR.

ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING OVER.

I'M GONNA NEED A WINGMAN.

TAKE GRANT.

NO WAY! I NEED TO PICK
THE LEAST ATTRACTIVE PERSON

IN THE GROUP, SOMEONE WHO'S
NOT GONNA BE A THREAT.

WILL, YOU'RE UP.

ME?

CRAIG'S TOO SEXY.
GOTTA BE YOU.

WHAT?!
CRAIG'S SEXIER THAN ME?

THAT "BLINK" RESPONSE.

IT'S, LIKE,
THE FIRST IMPRESSION I GET

WHEN I LOOK
AT THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER.

WATCH.
(scoffs)

CRAIG'S SEXIER.

W--YOU GOTTA GIVE ME
A CHANCE.

FINE.

IT'S DEFINITELY CRAIG.

(chuckles)
I'M SORRY, WILL,

BUT IF YOU COULD SEE
WHAT WE'RE SEEING, YOU'D AGREE.

LOSE THE WEDDING RING.

(grunts)

GRANT, 12:00. CUTE BLONDE.
I NEED YOU TO WING FOR ME.

YOU KEEP THAT REDHEAD BUSY.

I WILL BE
YOUR WINGMAN, CRAIG,

AND AN EXCELLENT WINGMAN
I WILL BE,

BUT IF WE DO THIS,
WE DO IT MY WAY.

YEAH. FINE. WHATEVER.

SUCCESS IS
ALL IN THE DETAILS.

FOR EXAMPLE, YOUR TARGET--
SHE'S CHEWING HER ICE.

THIS GIRL CAME TO PLAY.
FOOTWEAR--JIMMY CHOO.

SHE KNOWS MONEY.
THIS AIN'T GONNA BE CHEAP.

WOW, YOU PICK UP
ON EVERYTHING.

I TOLD YOU,
IT'S ALL IN THE DETAILS.

NOW LOOK AT THE LAUGH LINES
AROUND HER EYES.

SHE LIKES TO LAUGH.
OPEN WITH A JOKE.

NO PROBLEM.
I HAVE A GREAT ONE.

(slaps)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I HAD TO GET SOME COLOR
IN YOUR CHEEKS.

YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME.

HOW YOU DOING?

(chuckles) TRY TO KEEP
THIS QUIET, BUT, UH,

I GOT A HALF A BAG OF RAZZLES
IN MY POCKET.

IT'S THE CANDY
THAT BECOMES GUM.

YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION.
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

(chuckles) WELL, I DO
A VERY GOOD ROBOT VOICE.

I ALSO HAD THE ORIGINAL IDEA
FOR ROLLERBLADES

FOUR YEARS
BEFORE THEY CAME OUT.

I CALLED THEM SKATE-A-ROOS.

OH, I HAD THE ORIGINAL IDEA
FOR THE KANGAROO.

I CALLED IT
A KANGAROO-A-ROO.

I'M KENNY.

I'M SHERI.

HI.
(giggles)

AND THEN THE CHIEF SAYS,
"YOU GOT IT BACKWARDS, BUDDY.

THAT'SMY DAUGHTER.
THAT'SA WIENER PRESS."

(laughs)

OH, I FORGOT TO SAY

THAT THIS TRIBE BUILDS
WIENER PRESSES.

ALL RIGHT.
LET ME TRY IT AGAIN.

UH, I-I THINK...
THE--

TWICE IS ENOUGH.

I FEEL AS IF WE OWE
YOU LADIES A DRINK.

BUY THEM A DRINK.

OH, RIGHT.
(chuckles)

RAZZLES ARE INCREDIBLE.

SOMETIMES I EAT THEM
IN A BOWL WITH MILK.

STICK WITH ME, BABY.
I'M GONNA HAVE YOU BATHING

IN A BOWL OF RAZZLES
BY MIDNIGHT.

OOH. (chuckles)

NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY.

I MEAN, I'M JUST GONNA
STOP BY THE STORE

AND PICK YOU UP
A BAG OF RAZZLES.

YOU CAN PUT IT
IN YOUR BATHTUB.

OR MAYBE WE DON'T STOP
AT THE STORE.

OH.

THEY SEEM TO BE GETTING
ALONG WELL.

I'M MOLLY.

I'M WILL. (chuckles)

WILL KEEN.

WHAT? HELLO?

VICKI BARKER.
I'M IN THERESA'S BOOK CLUB.

RIGHT! (chuckles) RIGHT.
OF COURSE. "EAT, PRAY, LOVE."

(chuckles)
IS YOUR WIFE WITH YOU?

UH... SHE IS... NOT. NO.

DOES SHE KNOW YOU'RE HERE
WITHOUT YOUR WEDDING RING ON?

UH, UH, DOES SHE KNOW?
DOES SHE KNOW?

THAT--THAT IS
A VERY GOOD QUESTION.

UH, NOW YOU GOT ME
WONDERING ABOUT THAT.

UH, I'M GONNA CALL HER.
NO NEED FOR YOU TO DO THAT.

OH. (chuckles)

HEY, HONEY.

HELLO.

HI.HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT?

CRAZY.

I WAS TRYING TO GET THINGS READY
FOR BOOK CLUB TOMORROW,

AND I LEFT THE BACK DOOR OPEN,
AND A DEER GOT IN THE HOUSE.

GOOD, GOOD, UH,
SO HERE'S SOMETHING

THAT HAPPENED TONIGHT.

UH, WE DID NOT GO OUT
FOR STEAKS.

WE WENT TO A SINGLES CLUB
TO MEET GIRLS.

UH, FOR KENNY. (chuckles)
I MEAN, NOT FOR ME.

(chuckles) UH, I-I'M GOOD
IN THAT AREA.

I AMGREATIN THAT AREA.

DID YOU SAY A DEER GOT
INTO THE HOUSE?

IT WAS CHAOS,
BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE

YOUR STORY'S GONNA BE
EVEN MORE INTERESTING.

UH, IT'S--IT'S REALLY NOT.

UH, SO I-I WAS WINGMANNING
FOR YOUR BROTHER... KENNY...

I KNOW MY BROTHER'S NAME.
GO ON.

AND, UH, I HAD
MY WEDDING RING OFF,

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE OF
THE WINGMANNING THING,

AND, UH, VICKI BARKER SAW ME
TALKING TO THIS WOMAN,

BUT IT WAS NOTHING.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP
YOUR BROTHER... KENNY,

WHOSE NAME YOU KNOW.

(laughs) OH, GOD.

THAT'S IT?
OH, YOU HAD ME WORRIED.

SO Y-YOU'RE NOT MAD?

YOU'RE TRYING TO HELP
MY BROTHER. I THINK IT'S SWEET.

(sighs)

(laughs)

OHH.

MWAH.

(chuckles) THANK GOD.

I MEAN, OF ALL THE THINGS
I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT,

YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR IS NOT
ONE OF THEM.

EXACTLY. WAIT. WHAT?

WHAT, YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?

(scoffs) PLEASE.

(laughing)

(water runs in sink)

SHE LAUGHED.
(coffeepot clatters)

THE IDEA OF ME ATTRACTING
ANOTHER WOMAN

MAKES THE WOMAN I MARRIED
LAUGH.

YOU SHOULD TALK TO GRANT.
HE KNOWSEVERYTHINGABOUT WOMEN.

LAST NIGHT, WE GO UP
TO THESE TWO LADIES.

I TOTALLY FLAME OUT.

WIENER PRESS JOKE?

YEAH, I TOLD IT WRONG AGAIN.

ANYWAY, GRANT PULLS ME
FROM THE WRECKAGE,

AND WE HAVE ANOTHER DATE
WITH THEM TONIGHT.

THE GUY IS A MIRACLE WORKER.
BEST WINGMAN EVER.

I DON'T NEED A WINGMAN.

I JUST WANT MY WIFE
TO RECOGNIZE THAT OTHER WOMEN

MIGHT POSSIBLY, CRAZILY WANT
TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH ME.

HEY, TONY. HEY, HEY.
YOU HAVE AFFAIRS, RIGHT?

LOTS OF 'EM. (chuckles)

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED--
EIGHTH FLOOR. TONS OF TAIL.

WELL, I-I DON'T WANT
TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.

I JUST WANT MY WIFE TO THINK
THAT ICOULDHAVE AN AFFAIR.

THEN YOU GOTTA BE SEXY, DUDE.
YOU GOTTA DRESS SEXY.

YOU GOTTA ACT SEXY.
YOU GOTTA TALK SEXY.

YOU GOTTA EAT SEXY.
YOU GOTTA SLEEP SEXY.

COULD YOU WALK
OVER THERE SEXY?

(chuckles)
I HAVE NO CHOICE.

YOU KNOW, THAT GUY IS
A HARASSMENT SUIT

WAITING TO HAPPEN,
BUT HE MAKES A GOOD POINT.

I'VE GOTTA UP MY GAME.

HEY. WHERE YOU GUYS BEEN?
I LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR YOU.

WE WERE RIGHT OUTSIDE
THE DOOR.

I DID NOT LOOK THERE.
I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.

OH, RIGHT!
LAST NIGHT--HOW'D IT GO?

NOTHING... HAPPENED.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WE NEED DETAILS.

OKAY, HERE ARE THE DETAILS.
NOTHING HAPPENED.

(moaning)

MM. (gasps)

I WANT YOU TO COME
INTO MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW.

(panting)
I'D REALLY LIKE TO,

BUT I HAVE TO GET
TO MY... FIGHT CLUB.

IF I'M LATE,
NO ONE WILL BEAT ME UP.

I COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT.
I PANICKED. I GOT NERVOUS.

WHY?

(clenches teeth) BECAUSE...

I'VE NEVER HAD SEX
WITH ANYONE BUT BRENDA, OKAY?

YOU MEAN
ANYONESINCEBRENDA.

NO. (sighs)
I MEAN, MY WHOLE LIFE,

I'VE NEVER HAD SEX
WITH ANYONE EXCEPT BRENDA.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT ABOUT LISA ELLIOT
SENIOR YEAR?

THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

OKAY, WHAT ABOUT, UH,

THE GIRL FROM,
WHERE WAS IT, MICHIGAN?

KERRY MACKINROOT,

THE TAX ATTORNEY
WITH A DOG NAMED BOSCO

WHO'D STARE AT ME ALL NIGHT
WHILE WE MADE LOVE.

RIGHT.

I MADE THE WHOLE THING UP.

THE DOG STARING AT YOU--
THAT'S A BIZARRE DETAIL.

DUH, THAT'S WHAT SOLD IT.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
MY HEAD IS SPINNING.

NOBODY BUT BRENDA?

YOU'RE, LIKE, ONE PERSON AWAY
FROM BEING A VIRGIN.

(high-pitched voice)
SHUT UP!

WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER
TELL US?

I TOLD YOU ABOUT
MY PETER JENNINGS DREAM,

WHEN HE CARRIED ME ON THE BEACH
AND WHISPERED ME THE NEWS.

YES, YOU DID.
I'MSORRY,OKAY?

I GUESS I DIDN'T WANT
TO ADMIT TO YOU GUYS

I'VE ONLY HAD SEX
WITH ONE WOMAN.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF I'M ANY GOOD AT IT.

(snaps)

WILL, YOU'RE GONNA
CALL BRENDA

AND ASK HER
IF I WAS ANY GOOD IN BED.

(snaps)
KENNY, NO, I'M NOT.

(snaps)
CRAIG.

(snaps)
NO.

(snaps)
DAMN.

I'M AFRAID TO EVEN ASK

ABOUT THE WOMAN FROM ALABAMA
WITH THE BANJO.

OH. SUSANNA?

OHH. HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT?

HEY, T. I KNOW YOU HAVE
THE BOOK CLUB TONIGHT.

I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING OUT,
SEEING WHAT THE BOYS ARE UP TO.

UH-HUH.

MAYBE WE'LL FIND A PARTY,
LET THE PARTY FIND US.

OH, MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

THIS? IT'S A SHIRT.

MM.

GOT THESE COOL METAL STUDS.

THE GIRL AT THE STORE
THOUGHT I LOOKED HOT IN IT.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SAYING THAT
SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME, BUT--

BEFORE I FORGET,
THE NEIGHBOR LET HIS DOG

POOP IN THE YARD AGAIN.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE FROM
THE BOOK CLUB STEPPING IN IT,

SO IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND?

SURE.

THANK YOU. MWAH.

(mouths word)

(clicks)

HEY, B. I NEED TO TALK
TO YOU A SECOND.

I'M SORRY, SIR, YOU NEED
TO GET THE NERD VACCINE

BEFOREYOU START
SHOWING SYMPTOMS.

(laughing)

YOU'RE SUCH A SCREAM.

I NEED
TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHEN WE WERE MARRIED--

WORST TIME OF MY LIFE.
GO AHEAD.

AND WE WERE H-HAVING SEX--

DARKEST MOMENTS
OF THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE.

GO AHEAD.

WAS I ANY GOOD?

AT WHAT? DROOLING?
FALLING ASLEEP?

TURNING BRIGHT RED?

I WAS WITH THIS GIRL
LAST NIGHT--

WORST MOMENT OF HER LIFE.
GO AHEAD.

WHAT AM I DOING HERE?
I DON'T EVEN--

YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT.

OH, HOLD ON.

(sighs)

I'M SORRY.

THERE WERE A LOT OF THINGS

IN OUR MARRIAGE
YOU WERE TERRIBLE AT,

SO MANY AREAS
WHERE YOU SUCKED

AND WERE DEFICIENT
AND DISAPPOINTING...

IS THERE A "BUT" PART
TO THIS SENTENCE?

BUTTHINGS
IN THE BEDROOM...

(voice breaks)
WERE ALWAYS GREAT.

REALLY?

REALLY.

THANKS, B.

I'M BACK IN THE SADDLE.

NOT SURPRISED
SHE NEEDS A SADDLE!

I'M WEARING
THIS COOL METAL SHIRT.

I TELL HER THAT THE SALESWOMAN
FLIRTED WITH ME,

AND ALL SHE SAYS IS
THAT I SHOULD PICK UP THE POOP

ON MY WAY OUT.

YOU'RE NOT A PEACOCK, WILL.

NO, I AM NOT.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

YOU GOTTA BE AGGRESSIVE.
YOU HAVE TO DEMAND

THAT SHE ACKNOWLEDGE YOU ARE
A DESIRABLE, VIRILE MAN.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.
(blows air)

(Craig, mouth full)
LISTEN TO HIM, WILL.

HE KNOWS WHAT
HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

HEY, CAN I TAKE
THESE WHITENING STRIPS OFF

MY TEETH NOW?

NO. DIDN'T YOU NOTICE?
YOUR GIRL HAS PORCELAIN VENEERS.

WHITE TEETH ARE IMPORTANT
TO HER.

YOU CAN'T GO WALKING
IN THERE

WITH THIS MOUTH FULL
OF CANDY CORNS.

HE'S A DETAIL MAN, WILL.
YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO HIM.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GOTTA DEMAND THAT THERESA STOP
TAKING ME FOR GRANTED

AND ACKNOWLEDGE ME
AND THIS RIDICULOUS SHIRT.

I SWEAR, IT FEELS LIKE
THERE'S FISHHOOKS IN THIS THING.

NOW GO IN THERE AND BRING ME
THREE SHIRT CHOICES,

ALL IN BLUE...
(door opens)

BUT NO COBALT, TURQUOISE,

OR INDIGO.
(door closes)

I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE--

SHH. (whispers) GO.

MY GOOD SIR, I WILL TAKE

THIS GALLON OF MILK,
A BAG OF RAZZLES.

I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO PURCHASE
A BOX OF YOUR FINEST CONDOMS,

AND I WILL BE TAKING
A PENNY.

(sighs)

VICKI, I TRUST WILL. HE'S NOT
GOING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.

BRENDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LOOKING
FOR THIS GIRL'S PICTURE.

WHAT DID YOU SAY
HER NAME WAS AGAIN?
(sighs)

MOLLY HELMOND.
WE TOOK YOGA TOGETHER.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT HER.

NOTHING IS GOING
TO CHANGE MY--

(gasps) YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BOOK.

HEY, DID ANYBODY EVEN BRING
A COPY OF IT THIS TIME?

AN--

(whispers) BRENDA.

(doorbell rings)

KENNY?

HI! (chuckles) SHERI.

I PANICKED LAST NIGHT
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD SEX

WITH ANYONE
BUT MY EX-WIFE... (laughs)

BUT I REALLY,
REALLYLIKE YOU,

AND... I HOPE I DIDN'T MISS
MY OPPORTUNITY

TO... (inhales deeply)

YOU KNOW...
(chuckles and sniffles)

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M GETTING AT?

I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GETTING AT.

YEAH?

UH-HUH.
OH, GOOD.

(laughs)
MMM.

(chuckles)
(elderly woman)
THAT TOM BERGERON

HAS SUCH KIND EYES.
(TV playing indistinctly)

BUT TONIGHT MIGHT BE DIFFICULT.

(chuckles)

SO I GOT A TEACHING JOB,
MOVED HERE FROM CHICAGO,

AND I'VE BEEN STAYING
WITH GRANDMA ROSE

TILL I FIND AN APARTMENT.

WE WATCH
"DANCING WITH THE STARS"

EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT.

SHE SEEMS VERY SWEET.

I FEEL GUILTY FOR
NOT APPRECIATING THE FACT

THAT SHE'S STILL WITH US.

(mutters)

THERESA, WE NEED TO TALK.

YOU SHOULD BE ANGRY ABOUT
WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT.

(whispers) HOW DARE YOU?!

YEAH, LIKE--LIKE THAT,
ONLY... LESS.

I SAW HER PICTURE, WILL.
WHOSE PICTURE?

YOUR LITTLE FRIEND
FROM THE BAR. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU DIDN'T MENTION THAT
LAST NIGHT.

OH... (chuckles) SO FIRST
I'M TOO BORING TO WORRY ABOUT,

AND THEN I'M IN TROUBLE
BECAUSE A WOMAN

WHO COULDN'T POSSIBLY FIND ME
ATTRACTIVE IS HOT?

OH. OH!
SO YOU THINK SHE'S HOT?

(chuckles) YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO CALLED HER GORGEOUS.

(gasps) I NEVER SAID
SHE WAS GORGEOUS.

YOU THINK SHE'S GORGEOUS?

I-I THINK SHE'S...
W-WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

UH, LOOK, I JUST CAME IN HERE
WANTING YOU TO ACKNOWLEDGE

THAT YOU THINK I'M...
(sighs)

I THINK YOU'REWHAT?

SEXY, OKAY?

OH, GOD. PLEASE NEVER TELL
MY FATHER I SAID THAT.

HE STILL MAKES FUN OF ME
FOR THAT CHRISTMAS

WHEN I TOLD HIM
I LOVED HIM.

SO YOU DON'T THINK
I FIND YOU SEXY?

YOU LAUGHED AT THE IDEA
OF ME HAVING AN AFFAIR.

BECAUSE YOU ARE
SUCH A GOOD GUY, WILL.

I KNOW YOU NEVER WOULD.

(chuckles) WOW.

SUDDENLY I FEEL REALLY
SELF-CONSCIOUS IN THIS SHIRT.

(snorts and laughs)

YOU'RE THE SEXIEST MAN
I KNOW, WILL.

(women) AW.

I LOVE THIS BOOK CLUB.

AND THEN THE CHIEF SAYS,
"YOU GOT IT BACKWARDS, BUDDY.

THAT'S MY DAUGHTER.
THAT'S THE WIENER PRESS."

(all laugh)

OH, FINALLY.

AH. SIR, UM, WE ARE TRAVELING
BY HUMMOUSINE--HUMMER/LIMO--

SO I THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE
ANOTHER BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.

(mouths words)

(lowered voice) REMEMBER,
YOUR LADY KNOWS MONEY,

SO DON'T HOLD BACK.

(whispers) RIGHT.

(normal voice)
SIR, BRING US A BOTTLE

OF YOUR MOST EXPENSIVE
CHAMPAGNE,

AND I TELL YOU WHAT.

CRACK ONE OPEN FOR YOU
AND YOUR BUDDIES IN THE KITCHEN.

OKAY.

(lowered voice)
DON'T DO THAT.

YOU ARE VERY GENEROUS.

WELL, THIS IS
A SPECIAL NIGHT.

(chuckles)
THAT'S SO SWEET.

THEY'RE GETTING ALONG
AWFULLY WELL.

GRANT IS VERY GOOD
AT WHAT HE DOES.

WELL, WE HOOKED 'EM UP,
SO, UH, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

(chuckles)
(chuckles) YES.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OUR WORK'S DONE.
I'M GONNA GRAB A CAB.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE LIMO?

WELL, THEY'RE GONNA WANT
TO BE ALONE IN THE LIMO.

NO,WE'REGONNA WANT TO BE
ALONE IN THE LIMO.

OH, NO. I-I DON'T WANT
TO BE ALONE IN THE LIMO.

BUT YOU AND I ARE
SUPPOSED TO BE...

I MEAN,
'CAUSE THEY'RE JUST...

(both chuckling)

CAN I ASK A QUESTION
TO THE TABLE?

UM, WHO HERE IS WINGMANNING
FOR THEIR BUDDY?

AND WHO HERE IS INTERESTED
IN A ROMANTIC CONNECTION...

WITH ME?

(sighs)

WHEW. ALL RIGHT. UH, I THINK--

NO, DON'T OPEN THAT! (sighs)
(pops)

YOU'RE A DETAIL MAN, HUH?

WELL, YOU MISSED
ONE PRETTY IMPORTANT DETAIL.

YEAH, I DID MISS THAT.

OH,PERFECT!

YOU'RE
THE WORST WINGMAN EVER.

CRAIG, THERE'S NO NEED
TO BE HURTFUL.

(scoffs)
YOU SLAPPED MY FACE,

SAID MY TEETH LOOKED LIKE
CANDY CORN,

GOT ME TO SPEND $300
ON A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE,

AND I'M HURTING
YOURFEELINGS?!

YES, YOU ARE.

I'M SORRY.

LOVEBIRDS, YOUR CHAMPAGNE
IS CORKED AND WAITING.

THIS IS A BAD NIGHT
FOR YOU, CRAIG.

(sighs)

(Grant) MAN, THERE ARE A LOT
OF ROSE PETALS IN HERE.

SO SHERI LET ME IN,
BUT HER GRANDMA WAS THERE

WATCHING
"DANCING WITH THE STARS."

OH, SO IT DIDN'T WORK OUT?

WELL, NO ONE CAN BLAME YOU
FOR BACKING OUT OF THAT.

GENTLEMEN, I THINK YOU
UNDERESTIMATE MY HORNINESS.

(TV playing indistinctly)
OH, I REMEMBER
THE FIRST TIME

YOUR GRANDFATHER ASKED ME
TO DANCE. IT WAS 1950--

WHOA. SO YOU DID IT
WITH GRANDMA IN THE ROOM?

SHE NEVER NOTICED.
(chuckles)

OH, GOD.
And, oh, by the way,

TWO LADIES IN THE SAME ROOM--
TECHNICAL THREESOME.

SURE. I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

(chuckles)

YEAH, I'LL GIVE HIM THAT.

(harp playing glissando)

ARE YOU AN ANGEL?

♪♪♪

AM I DEAD?

(voice breaks) OH, MY GOD!
I HAD SO MUCH MORE TO DO.

(normal voice) NOT REALLY.

MORNING, KENNY.
THIS IS LANA.

I HIRED HER BECAUSE I WAS HOPING
MY DATE FROM LAST NIGHT

WAS GOING TO STAY OVER,
AND WE'D HAVE A SEXY BREAKFAST.

MR. CRAIG, DOES YOUR LOVER LIKE
BLUEBERRIES ON HIS PANCAKES?

UH, YES, HE DOES,

AND HE ALSO LIKES
HIS BACON BURNT TO A CRISP.

(doorbell rings)
THAT'S MUST BE

THE $200 NONREFUNDABLE
COUPLES MASSAGE I BOOKED.

OHH.

IT'S NOW MY GIFT TO YOU
AND LANA.

I'M GOING BACK TO BED.

LANA, PLEASE DON'T THINK
I'M RUDE,

BUT I'M GONNA TAKE
THE COUPLES MASSAGE BY MYSELF.

I'M GONNA DISROBE,
REMAIN STANDING.

ONE DOES MY FRONT.
ONE DOES MY BACK.

NOW JUST PLAY
SOMETHING UPBEAT

SO WE CAN PROCEED
WITH KENNY'S BEST DAY EVER.