Original subtitles

HEY, DID YOU GUYS GET MY E-MAIL?

YOU DIDN'T REPLY.

I GOT IT. I JUST DIDN'T READ IT.

I GOT IT, TOO. WENT RIGHT IN THE TRASH.

WHY?

YOUR E-MAILS ARE BORING, WILL.

WELL, IF YOUHADREAD IT, YOU WOULD KNOW

THAT IT HAD DETAILS ABOUT GOING TO THE CLUB TONIGHT.

AH, YES, TONIGHT. WE ARE GETTING KENNY HAYDEN

A MAIDEN FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE...

IT MIGHT EVEN BE THE LAST CENTURY.

IT HASN'T BEEN THAT LONG.

YOU'VE BEEN DIVORCED OVER SIX MONTHS.

YEAH, AND YOU MOVED IN WITH ME SIX MONTHS BEFORE THAT,

AND I HAVENOTCLOCKED ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY

OTHER THAN SOME VERY LONG BATHS.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I TAKE ACTION FIGURES INTO THE TUB,

AND I PLAY OUT MARITIME SCENARIOS.

EW. OKAY, HERE'S THE PLAN.

STARTS OUT, WE GO TO CLUB HAVOC AT 8:00. (clicks teeth)

AND?

AND SOMEHOW KENNY HAS SEX.

I LOVE THIS PLAN. IT'S A GOOD PLAN.

REMEMBER, WHEN WE TALK TO THERESA, WE'RE GOING OUT FOR...

LOBSTERS. BATTING CAGES.

STEAKS! THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE TO READ YOUR E-MAILS.

I DON'T WANT THERESA KNOWING THAT I'M SPENDING THE NIGHT

IN A SINGLES BAR. I MEAN, I'M NO DR. PHIL...

(nasal voice) NO, SIR. YOU ARE NOT.

(Southern drawl) NO, SIR. YOU ARE NOT.

BUT I DO KNOW THAT WOMEN DON'T LIKE

THEIR HUSBANDS HANGING OUT IN SINGLES BARS. NO, SIR. THEY DO NOT.

NO, SIR. THEYDONOT.

GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM NOW, FELLAS, BECAUSE TONIGHT

AT THE CLUB, WOMEN ARE NOT GOING TO RESPOND TO THIS.

NO, SIR, THEY WILL NOT.

DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN, PRETTY FEMALE?

BECAUSE YOU ARE GIVING MY HORSE A TOUCH OF THE VAPORS.

Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.

(dog barking in distance)

SO "EAT, PRAY, LOVE" IS BASICALLY ABOUT THIS GIRL

WHO GOES ON A JOURNEY TO, YOU KNOW,

GO FIND HERSELF AND, LIKE, GET CENTERED AND--

SWEETIE, JUST TELL US THE MOMENTS

THAT EVERYONE'S GONNA TALK ABOUT.

WELL... (sighs) SHE HAS PRETTY INTENSE SEX IN INDONESIA.

(singsongy) BINGO! WHAT PAGE?

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS EVER READ

YOUR OWN BOOKS FOR BOOK CLUB?

(both) AW.

(chuckles) HONEY, BOOK CLUBS AREN'T ABOUT BOOKS.

THEY'RE ABOUT GOSSIP AND DRINKING WINE

AND NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGING

THE SHARED LIE THAT WE ALL CARE ABOUT LITERATURE.

OKAY, IF ANY OF YOU EVER REFER TO THIS

AS LITERATURE AGAIN, I'M MOVING OUT.

(door opens)

HELLO, MS. KEEN.

HELLO,MISS-TAKE.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SITTING ON THAT ONE?

ABOUT A WEEK.

HE WAS PRACTICING IT IN THE CAR.

WHERE'S GRANT? (mouths word)

IS HE OUT UPGRADING THE WOMAN IN HIS LIFE? ♪ HO ♪

I GUESS THAT'S ALWAYS A POSSIBILITY

FOR AREALMAN LIKE HIM, AS OPPOSED

TO A TINY, BEARDED CREATURE LIKE YOU,

WHO LIVES UNDER A BRIDGE AND EATS HOBBITS.

FIRST OF ALL, I WOULDN'T EAT HOBBITS.

I'D ASK THEM RIDDLES. DUH.

SECONDLY, THERE ARE PLENTY OF WOMEN OUT THERE FOR ME.

SURE. YOU'RE A PHARMACEUTICAL REP.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WAIT FOR A GIRL

TO LEAVE HER DRINK UNATTENDED.

WHAT? (chuckles) WH-WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT GIRLS?

IT'S ALL GUYS TONIGHT.

JUST GOING OUT FOR A COUPLE OF STEAKS.

LOBSTERS. HAIRCUTS.

WE SHOULD GO.

OKAY.

(dance music playing)

(indistinct conversations)

(clink)

IT'S A PICKLE PARTY IN HERE.

THERE'S FOUR WOMEN IN THE WHOLE PLACE.

YOU ONLY NEED ONE, KENNY.

WELL, SOMETIMES I ENJOY TWO OR THREE FEMALES IN MY BED.

OH, MY GOD. HAVE YOU REALLY DONE THAT?

NO, SIR. THE VERY THOUGHT OF IT CHILLS ME.

GRANT!

(whistles) NO. NO!

WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?

I INVITED HIM. I THOUGHT HE COULD HELP OUT.

WILL, I REFUSE TO TRY TO GET LAID FOR THE FIRST TIME

SINCE MY EX-WIFE WHILE BEING JUDGED

BY THE GUY THAT IS CURRENTLY DOING MY EX-WIFE.

I'M SORRY. NO. IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

OHH.

HI.

HEY.

THANK YOU FOR COMING.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU CAN COUNT ON ME, KEN.

I'M HERE FOR YOU.

(clenching teeth) PLEASE TELL HIM TO STOP TALKING

TO ME LIKE I HAVE CANCER.

KENNY, KENNY, CHECK IT OUT. 10:00.

SHE'S TOTALLY CHECKING YOU OUT.

NO, SHE'S NOT. SHE'S LOOKING AT GRANT.

NO, SHE'S LOOKING AT YOU. OBSERVE.

SHE'S LOOKING AT YOU, BUDDY.

(chuckles) OH.

IT IS ME.

SHE MIGHT BE BLIND.

THEN MY CHANCES JUST DOUBLED.

(clatter) (sighs)

WHAT'S ALL THAT?

JUST SOME PHONE NUMBERS AND A COUPLE OF ROOM KEYS.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU GET THOSE WHEN YOU WALK ACROSS A BAR.

ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING OVER.

I'M GONNA NEED A WINGMAN.

TAKE GRANT.

NO WAY! I NEED TO PICK THE LEAST ATTRACTIVE PERSON

IN THE GROUP, SOMEONE WHO'S NOT GONNA BE A THREAT.

WILL, YOU'RE UP.

ME?

CRAIG'S TOO SEXY. GOTTA BE YOU.

WHAT?! CRAIG'S SEXIER THAN ME?

THAT "BLINK" RESPONSE.

IT'S, LIKE, THE FIRST IMPRESSION I GET

WHEN I LOOK AT THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER.

WATCH. (scoffs)

CRAIG'S SEXIER.

W--YOU GOTTA GIVE ME A CHANCE.

FINE.

IT'S DEFINITELY CRAIG.

(chuckles) I'M SORRY, WILL,

BUT IF YOU COULD SEE WHAT WE'RE SEEING, YOU'D AGREE.

LOSE THE WEDDING RING.

(grunts)

GRANT, 12:00. CUTE BLONDE. I NEED YOU TO WING FOR ME.

YOU KEEP THAT REDHEAD BUSY.

I WILL BE YOUR WINGMAN, CRAIG,

AND AN EXCELLENT WINGMAN I WILL BE,

BUT IF WE DO THIS, WE DO IT MY WAY.

YEAH. FINE. WHATEVER.

SUCCESS IS ALL IN THE DETAILS.

FOR EXAMPLE, YOUR TARGET-- SHE'S CHEWING HER ICE.

THIS GIRL CAME TO PLAY. FOOTWEAR--JIMMY CHOO.

SHE KNOWS MONEY. THIS AIN'T GONNA BE CHEAP.

WOW, YOU PICK UP ON EVERYTHING.

I TOLD YOU, IT'S ALL IN THE DETAILS.

NOW LOOK AT THE LAUGH LINES AROUND HER EYES.

SHE LIKES TO LAUGH. OPEN WITH A JOKE.

NO PROBLEM. I HAVE A GREAT ONE.

(slaps) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I HAD TO GET SOME COLOR IN YOUR CHEEKS.

YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME.

HOW YOU DOING?

(chuckles) TRY TO KEEP THIS QUIET, BUT, UH,

I GOT A HALF A BAG OF RAZZLES IN MY POCKET.

IT'S THE CANDY THAT BECOMES GUM.

YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION. WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

(chuckles) WELL, I DO A VERY GOOD ROBOT VOICE.

I ALSO HAD THE ORIGINAL IDEA FOR ROLLERBLADES

FOUR YEARS BEFORE THEY CAME OUT.

I CALLED THEM SKATE-A-ROOS.

OH, I HAD THE ORIGINAL IDEA FOR THE KANGAROO.

I CALLED IT A KANGAROO-A-ROO.

I'M KENNY.

I'M SHERI.

HI. (giggles)

AND THEN THE CHIEF SAYS, "YOU GOT IT BACKWARDS, BUDDY.

THAT'SMY DAUGHTER. THAT'SA WIENER PRESS."

(laughs)

OH, I FORGOT TO SAY

THAT THIS TRIBE BUILDS WIENER PRESSES.

ALL RIGHT. LET ME TRY IT AGAIN.

UH, I-I THINK... THE--

TWICE IS ENOUGH.

I FEEL AS IF WE OWE YOU LADIES A DRINK.

BUY THEM A DRINK.

OH, RIGHT. (chuckles)

RAZZLES ARE INCREDIBLE.

SOMETIMES I EAT THEM IN A BOWL WITH MILK.

STICK WITH ME, BABY. I'M GONNA HAVE YOU BATHING

IN A BOWL OF RAZZLES BY MIDNIGHT.

OOH. (chuckles)

NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY.

I MEAN, I'M JUST GONNA STOP BY THE STORE

AND PICK YOU UP A BAG OF RAZZLES.

YOU CAN PUT IT IN YOUR BATHTUB.

OR MAYBE WE DON'T STOP AT THE STORE.

OH.

THEY SEEM TO BE GETTING ALONG WELL.

I'M MOLLY.

I'M WILL. (chuckles)

WILL KEEN.

WHAT? HELLO?

VICKI BARKER. I'M IN THERESA'S BOOK CLUB.

RIGHT! (chuckles) RIGHT. OF COURSE. "EAT, PRAY, LOVE."

(chuckles) IS YOUR WIFE WITH YOU?

UH... SHE IS... NOT. NO.

DOES SHE KNOW YOU'RE HERE WITHOUT YOUR WEDDING RING ON?

UH, UH, DOES SHE KNOW? DOES SHE KNOW?

THAT--THAT IS A VERY GOOD QUESTION.

UH, NOW YOU GOT ME WONDERING ABOUT THAT.

UH, I'M GONNA CALL HER. NO NEED FOR YOU TO DO THAT.

OH. (chuckles)

HEY, HONEY.

HELLO.

HI.HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT?

CRAZY.

I WAS TRYING TO GET THINGS READY FOR BOOK CLUB TOMORROW,

AND I LEFT THE BACK DOOR OPEN, AND A DEER GOT IN THE HOUSE.

GOOD, GOOD, UH, SO HERE'S SOMETHING

THAT HAPPENED TONIGHT.

UH, WE DID NOT GO OUT FOR STEAKS.

WE WENT TO A SINGLES CLUB TO MEET GIRLS.

UH, FOR KENNY. (chuckles) I MEAN, NOT FOR ME.

(chuckles) UH, I-I'M GOOD IN THAT AREA.

I AMGREATIN THAT AREA.

DID YOU SAY A DEER GOT INTO THE HOUSE?

IT WAS CHAOS, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE

YOUR STORY'S GONNA BE EVEN MORE INTERESTING.

UH, IT'S--IT'S REALLY NOT.

UH, SO I-I WAS WINGMANNING FOR YOUR BROTHER... KENNY...

I KNOW MY BROTHER'S NAME. GO ON.

AND, UH, I HAD MY WEDDING RING OFF,

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE OF THE WINGMANNING THING,

AND, UH, VICKI BARKER SAW ME TALKING TO THIS WOMAN,

BUT IT WAS NOTHING.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP YOUR BROTHER... KENNY,

WHOSE NAME YOU KNOW.

(laughs) OH, GOD.

THAT'S IT? OH, YOU HAD ME WORRIED.

SO Y-YOU'RE NOT MAD?

YOU'RE TRYING TO HELP MY BROTHER. I THINK IT'S SWEET.

(sighs)

(laughs)

OHH.

MWAH.

(chuckles) THANK GOD.

I MEAN, OF ALL THE THINGS I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT,

YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR IS NOT ONE OF THEM.

EXACTLY. WAIT. WHAT?

WHAT, YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?

(scoffs) PLEASE.

(laughing)

(water runs in sink)

SHE LAUGHED. (coffeepot clatters)

THE IDEA OF ME ATTRACTING ANOTHER WOMAN

MAKES THE WOMAN I MARRIED LAUGH.

YOU SHOULD TALK TO GRANT. HE KNOWSEVERYTHINGABOUT WOMEN.

LAST NIGHT, WE GO UP TO THESE TWO LADIES.

I TOTALLY FLAME OUT.

WIENER PRESS JOKE?

YEAH, I TOLD IT WRONG AGAIN.

ANYWAY, GRANT PULLS ME FROM THE WRECKAGE,

AND WE HAVE ANOTHER DATE WITH THEM TONIGHT.

THE GUY IS A MIRACLE WORKER. BEST WINGMAN EVER.

I DON'T NEED A WINGMAN.

I JUST WANT MY WIFE TO RECOGNIZE THAT OTHER WOMEN

MIGHT POSSIBLY, CRAZILY WANT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH ME.

HEY, TONY. HEY, HEY. YOU HAVE AFFAIRS, RIGHT?

LOTS OF 'EM. (chuckles)

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED-- EIGHTH FLOOR. TONS OF TAIL.

WELL, I-I DON'T WANT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.

I JUST WANT MY WIFE TO THINK THAT ICOULDHAVE AN AFFAIR.

THEN YOU GOTTA BE SEXY, DUDE. YOU GOTTA DRESS SEXY.

YOU GOTTA ACT SEXY. YOU GOTTA TALK SEXY.

YOU GOTTA EAT SEXY. YOU GOTTA SLEEP SEXY.

COULD YOU WALK OVER THERE SEXY?

(chuckles) I HAVE NO CHOICE.

YOU KNOW, THAT GUY IS A HARASSMENT SUIT

WAITING TO HAPPEN, BUT HE MAKES A GOOD POINT.

I'VE GOTTA UP MY GAME.

HEY. WHERE YOU GUYS BEEN? I LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR YOU.

WE WERE RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR.

I DID NOT LOOK THERE. I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.

OH, RIGHT! LAST NIGHT--HOW'D IT GO?

NOTHING... HAPPENED.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WE NEED DETAILS.

OKAY, HERE ARE THE DETAILS. NOTHING HAPPENED.

(moaning)

MM. (gasps)

I WANT YOU TO COME INTO MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW.

(panting) I'D REALLY LIKE TO,

BUT I HAVE TO GET TO MY... FIGHT CLUB.

IF I'M LATE, NO ONE WILL BEAT ME UP.

I COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT. I PANICKED. I GOT NERVOUS.

WHY?

(clenches teeth) BECAUSE...

I'VE NEVER HAD SEX WITH ANYONE BUT BRENDA, OKAY?

YOU MEAN ANYONESINCEBRENDA.

NO. (sighs) I MEAN, MY WHOLE LIFE,

I'VE NEVER HAD SEX WITH ANYONE EXCEPT BRENDA.

THAT'S NOT TRUE. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT ABOUT LISA ELLIOT SENIOR YEAR?

THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

OKAY, WHAT ABOUT, UH,

THE GIRL FROM, WHERE WAS IT, MICHIGAN?

KERRY MACKINROOT,

THE TAX ATTORNEY WITH A DOG NAMED BOSCO

WHO'D STARE AT ME ALL NIGHT WHILE WE MADE LOVE.

RIGHT.

I MADE THE WHOLE THING UP.

THE DOG STARING AT YOU-- THAT'S A BIZARRE DETAIL.

DUH, THAT'S WHAT SOLD IT.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. MY HEAD IS SPINNING.

NOBODY BUT BRENDA?

YOU'RE, LIKE, ONE PERSON AWAY FROM BEING A VIRGIN.

(high-pitched voice) SHUT UP!

WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL US?

I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY PETER JENNINGS DREAM,

WHEN HE CARRIED ME ON THE BEACH AND WHISPERED ME THE NEWS.

YES, YOU DID. I'MSORRY,OKAY?

I GUESS I DIDN'T WANT TO ADMIT TO YOU GUYS

I'VE ONLY HAD SEX WITH ONE WOMAN.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M ANY GOOD AT IT.

(snaps)

WILL, YOU'RE GONNA CALL BRENDA

AND ASK HER IF I WAS ANY GOOD IN BED.

(snaps) KENNY, NO, I'M NOT.

(snaps) CRAIG.

(snaps) NO.

(snaps) DAMN.

I'M AFRAID TO EVEN ASK

ABOUT THE WOMAN FROM ALABAMA WITH THE BANJO.

OH. SUSANNA?

OHH. HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT?

HEY, T. I KNOW YOU HAVE THE BOOK CLUB TONIGHT.

I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING OUT, SEEING WHAT THE BOYS ARE UP TO.

UH-HUH.

MAYBE WE'LL FIND A PARTY, LET THE PARTY FIND US.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

THIS? IT'S A SHIRT.

MM.

GOT THESE COOL METAL STUDS.

THE GIRL AT THE STORE THOUGHT I LOOKED HOT IN IT.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SAYING THAT SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME, BUT--

BEFORE I FORGET, THE NEIGHBOR LET HIS DOG

POOP IN THE YARD AGAIN.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE FROM THE BOOK CLUB STEPPING IN IT,

SO IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND?

SURE.

THANK YOU. MWAH.

(mouths word)

(clicks)

HEY, B. I NEED TO TALK TO YOU A SECOND.

I'M SORRY, SIR, YOU NEED TO GET THE NERD VACCINE

BEFOREYOU START SHOWING SYMPTOMS.

(laughing)

YOU'RE SUCH A SCREAM.

I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHEN WE WERE MARRIED--

WORST TIME OF MY LIFE. GO AHEAD.

AND WE WERE H-HAVING SEX--

DARKEST MOMENTS OF THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE.

GO AHEAD.

WAS I ANY GOOD?

AT WHAT? DROOLING? FALLING ASLEEP?

TURNING BRIGHT RED?

I WAS WITH THIS GIRL LAST NIGHT--

WORST MOMENT OF HER LIFE. GO AHEAD.

WHAT AM I DOING HERE? I DON'T EVEN--

YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT.

OH, HOLD ON.

(sighs)

I'M SORRY.

THERE WERE A LOT OF THINGS

IN OUR MARRIAGE YOU WERE TERRIBLE AT,

SO MANY AREAS WHERE YOU SUCKED

AND WERE DEFICIENT AND DISAPPOINTING...

IS THERE A "BUT" PART TO THIS SENTENCE?

BUTTHINGS IN THE BEDROOM...

(voice breaks) WERE ALWAYS GREAT.

REALLY?

REALLY.

THANKS, B.

I'M BACK IN THE SADDLE.

NOT SURPRISED SHE NEEDS A SADDLE!

I'M WEARING THIS COOL METAL SHIRT.

I TELL HER THAT THE SALESWOMAN FLIRTED WITH ME,

AND ALL SHE SAYS IS THAT I SHOULD PICK UP THE POOP

ON MY WAY OUT.

YOU'RE NOT A PEACOCK, WILL.

NO, I AM NOT. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

YOU GOTTA BE AGGRESSIVE. YOU HAVE TO DEMAND

THAT SHE ACKNOWLEDGE YOU ARE A DESIRABLE, VIRILE MAN.

CLOSE YOUR EYES. (blows air)

(Craig, mouth full) LISTEN TO HIM, WILL.

HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

HEY, CAN I TAKE THESE WHITENING STRIPS OFF

MY TEETH NOW?

NO. DIDN'T YOU NOTICE? YOUR GIRL HAS PORCELAIN VENEERS.

WHITE TEETH ARE IMPORTANT TO HER.

YOU CAN'T GO WALKING IN THERE

WITH THIS MOUTH FULL OF CANDY CORNS.

HE'S A DETAIL MAN, WILL. YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO HIM.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GOTTA DEMAND THAT THERESA STOP TAKING ME FOR GRANTED

AND ACKNOWLEDGE ME AND THIS RIDICULOUS SHIRT.

I SWEAR, IT FEELS LIKE THERE'S FISHHOOKS IN THIS THING.

NOW GO IN THERE AND BRING ME THREE SHIRT CHOICES,

ALL IN BLUE... (door opens)

BUT NO COBALT, TURQUOISE,

OR INDIGO. (door closes)

I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE--

SHH. (whispers) GO.

MY GOOD SIR, I WILL TAKE

THIS GALLON OF MILK, A BAG OF RAZZLES.

I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO PURCHASE A BOX OF YOUR FINEST CONDOMS,

AND I WILL BE TAKING A PENNY.

(sighs)

VICKI, I TRUST WILL. HE'S NOT GOING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.

BRENDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LOOKING FOR THIS GIRL'S PICTURE.

WHAT DID YOU SAY HER NAME WAS AGAIN? (sighs)

MOLLY HELMOND. WE TOOK YOGA TOGETHER.

IT DOESN'T MATTER. I DON'T CARE ABOUT HER.

NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE MY--

(gasps) YOU'RE RIGHT. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BOOK.

HEY, DID ANYBODY EVEN BRING A COPY OF IT THIS TIME?

AN--

(whispers) BRENDA.

(doorbell rings)

KENNY?

HI! (chuckles) SHERI.

I PANICKED LAST NIGHT BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD SEX

WITH ANYONE BUT MY EX-WIFE... (laughs)

BUT I REALLY, REALLYLIKE YOU,

AND... I HOPE I DIDN'T MISS MY OPPORTUNITY

TO... (inhales deeply)

YOU KNOW... (chuckles and sniffles)

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING AT?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT.

YEAH?

UH-HUH. OH, GOOD.

(laughs) MMM.

(chuckles) (elderly woman) THAT TOM BERGERON

HAS SUCH KIND EYES. (TV playing indistinctly)

BUT TONIGHT MIGHT BE DIFFICULT.

(chuckles)

SO I GOT A TEACHING JOB, MOVED HERE FROM CHICAGO,

AND I'VE BEEN STAYING WITH GRANDMA ROSE

TILL I FIND AN APARTMENT.

WE WATCH "DANCING WITH THE STARS"

EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT.

SHE SEEMS VERY SWEET.

I FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT APPRECIATING THE FACT

THAT SHE'S STILL WITH US.

(mutters)

THERESA, WE NEED TO TALK.

YOU SHOULD BE ANGRY ABOUT WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT.

(whispers) HOW DARE YOU?!

YEAH, LIKE--LIKE THAT, ONLY... LESS.

I SAW HER PICTURE, WILL. WHOSE PICTURE?

YOUR LITTLE FRIEND FROM THE BAR. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU DIDN'T MENTION THAT LAST NIGHT.

OH... (chuckles) SO FIRST I'M TOO BORING TO WORRY ABOUT,

AND THEN I'M IN TROUBLE BECAUSE A WOMAN

WHO COULDN'T POSSIBLY FIND ME ATTRACTIVE IS HOT?

OH. OH! SO YOU THINK SHE'S HOT?

(chuckles) YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CALLED HER GORGEOUS.

(gasps) I NEVER SAID SHE WAS GORGEOUS.

YOU THINK SHE'S GORGEOUS?

I-I THINK SHE'S... W-WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

UH, LOOK, I JUST CAME IN HERE WANTING YOU TO ACKNOWLEDGE

THAT YOU THINK I'M... (sighs)

I THINK YOU'REWHAT?

SEXY, OKAY?

OH, GOD. PLEASE NEVER TELL MY FATHER I SAID THAT.

HE STILL MAKES FUN OF ME FOR THAT CHRISTMAS

WHEN I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM.

SO YOU DON'T THINK I FIND YOU SEXY?

YOU LAUGHED AT THE IDEA OF ME HAVING AN AFFAIR.

BECAUSE YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD GUY, WILL.

I KNOW YOU NEVER WOULD.

(chuckles) WOW.

SUDDENLY I FEEL REALLY SELF-CONSCIOUS IN THIS SHIRT.

(snorts and laughs)

YOU'RE THE SEXIEST MAN I KNOW, WILL.

(women) AW.

I LOVE THIS BOOK CLUB.

AND THEN THE CHIEF SAYS, "YOU GOT IT BACKWARDS, BUDDY.

THAT'S MY DAUGHTER. THAT'S THE WIENER PRESS."

(all laugh)

OH, FINALLY.

AH. SIR, UM, WE ARE TRAVELING BY HUMMOUSINE--HUMMER/LIMO--

SO I THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.

(mouths words)

(lowered voice) REMEMBER, YOUR LADY KNOWS MONEY,

SO DON'T HOLD BACK.

(whispers) RIGHT.

(normal voice) SIR, BRING US A BOTTLE

OF YOUR MOST EXPENSIVE CHAMPAGNE,

AND I TELL YOU WHAT.

CRACK ONE OPEN FOR YOU AND YOUR BUDDIES IN THE KITCHEN.

OKAY.

(lowered voice) DON'T DO THAT.

YOU ARE VERY GENEROUS.

WELL, THIS IS A SPECIAL NIGHT.

(chuckles) THAT'S SO SWEET.

THEY'RE GETTING ALONG AWFULLY WELL.

GRANT IS VERY GOOD AT WHAT HE DOES.

WELL, WE HOOKED 'EM UP, SO, UH, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

(chuckles) (chuckles) YES.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OUR WORK'S DONE. I'M GONNA GRAB A CAB.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE LIMO?

WELL, THEY'RE GONNA WANT TO BE ALONE IN THE LIMO.

NO,WE'REGONNA WANT TO BE ALONE IN THE LIMO.

OH, NO. I-I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE IN THE LIMO.

BUT YOU AND I ARE SUPPOSED TO BE...

I MEAN, 'CAUSE THEY'RE JUST...

(both chuckling)

CAN I ASK A QUESTION TO THE TABLE?

UM, WHO HERE IS WINGMANNING FOR THEIR BUDDY?

AND WHO HERE IS INTERESTED IN A ROMANTIC CONNECTION...

WITH ME?

(sighs)

WHEW. ALL RIGHT. UH, I THINK--

NO, DON'T OPEN THAT! (sighs) (pops)

YOU'RE A DETAIL MAN, HUH?

WELL, YOU MISSED ONE PRETTY IMPORTANT DETAIL.

YEAH, I DID MISS THAT.

OH,PERFECT!

YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER.

CRAIG, THERE'S NO NEED TO BE HURTFUL.

(scoffs) YOU SLAPPED MY FACE,

SAID MY TEETH LOOKED LIKE CANDY CORN,

GOT ME TO SPEND $300 ON A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE,

AND I'M HURTING YOURFEELINGS?!

YES, YOU ARE.

I'M SORRY.

LOVEBIRDS, YOUR CHAMPAGNE IS CORKED AND WAITING.

THIS IS A BAD NIGHT FOR YOU, CRAIG.

(sighs)

(Grant) MAN, THERE ARE A LOT OF ROSE PETALS IN HERE.

SO SHERI LET ME IN, BUT HER GRANDMA WAS THERE

WATCHING "DANCING WITH THE STARS."

OH, SO IT DIDN'T WORK OUT?

WELL, NO ONE CAN BLAME YOU FOR BACKING OUT OF THAT.

GENTLEMEN, I THINK YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY HORNINESS.

(TV playing indistinctly) OH, I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME

YOUR GRANDFATHER ASKED ME TO DANCE. IT WAS 1950--

WHOA. SO YOU DID IT WITH GRANDMA IN THE ROOM?

SHE NEVER NOTICED. (chuckles)

OH, GOD. And, oh, by the way,

TWO LADIES IN THE SAME ROOM-- TECHNICAL THREESOME.

SURE. I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

(chuckles)

YEAH, I'LL GIVE HIM THAT.

(harp playing glissando)

ARE YOU AN ANGEL?

♪♪♪

AM I DEAD?

(voice breaks) OH, MY GOD! I HAD SO MUCH MORE TO DO.

(normal voice) NOT REALLY.

MORNING, KENNY. THIS IS LANA.

I HIRED HER BECAUSE I WAS HOPING MY DATE FROM LAST NIGHT

WAS GOING TO STAY OVER, AND WE'D HAVE A SEXY BREAKFAST.

MR. CRAIG, DOES YOUR LOVER LIKE BLUEBERRIES ON HIS PANCAKES?

UH, YES, HE DOES,

AND HE ALSO LIKES HIS BACON BURNT TO A CRISP.

(doorbell rings) THAT'S MUST BE

THE $200 NONREFUNDABLE COUPLES MASSAGE I BOOKED.

OHH.

IT'S NOW MY GIFT TO YOU AND LANA.

I'M GOING BACK TO BED.

LANA, PLEASE DON'T THINK I'M RUDE,

BUT I'M GONNA TAKE THE COUPLES MASSAGE BY MYSELF.

I'M GONNA DISROBE, REMAIN STANDING.

ONE DOES MY FRONT. ONE DOES MY BACK.

NOW JUST PLAY SOMETHING UPBEAT

SO WE CAN PROCEED WITH KENNY'S BEST DAY EVER.