Original subtitles

GUYS, WHY ARE WE IN THE PRISON?

I THOUGHT WE WERE PLAYING

IN THE ABANDONED MINE SHAFTS TONIGHT.

WELL, SINCE YOU WERE LATE,

WE MADE AN EXECUTIVE DECISION WITHOUT YOU.

AND MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE GOING ON DOUBLE DATES

WITH MY EX-WIFE AND HER NEW BOYFRIEND.

I DIDN'T WANT TO GO! THERESA MADE ME.

YOU THINK I LIKE HANGING OUT WITH GRANT?

(laughs) I LIKE HANGING OUT WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW, MY BUDDY AND I ARE GONNA SPLIT

THE 96-OUNCE PORTERHOUSE.

SO YOU REALLY CLIMBED MOUNT EVEREST?

I LOOKED OVER THE WORLD, MAN, AND LET ME TELL YOU,

IT'S WORTH SAVING.

I HEAR YOU. I'VE BEEN RECYCLING.

THE WHOLE NIGHT WAS LIKE A TRIP TO THE DENTIST.

I BEGGED THERESA TO GET ME OUT OF IT,

BUT YOU KNOW HOW YOUR SISTER GETS.

I CANNOTBELIEVETHAT IS THE GUY MY EX-WIFE PICKED.

HEY, WILL, HAVE YOU HEARD CRAIG'S IMPRESSION OF GRANT?

(deep voice) "OH, I'M GRANT. I'M TALL AND GOOD-LOOKING.

I ENJOY VITAMINS AND EXERCISE."

(laughing)

IT'S SO TRUE! THAT'S HIM!

OOH! OOH! DO WILL NOW.

(imitates Southern accent) GIT ON OUT OF THERE NOW!

WHAT? I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT.

DUDE, CRAIG, HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW.

(laughing)

(slaps leg)

(singsongy) HELLO, EVERYBODY!

(singsongy) HELLO!

HI, AUNT BRENDA. (normal voice) HEY.

LUCY, DO YOU WANNA TELL AUNT BRENDA

ALL ABOUT YOUR BIG NEWS?

MY FRIEND AMBER CAN SPIT IN THE AIR

AND CATCH IT IN HER HAND.

THAT'S AWESOME.

NOT AS AWESOME AS OUR LITTLE DOCTOR-TO-BE GETTING AN "A"

ON HER SCIENCE TEST.

(singsongy) CONGRATULATIONS.

WHICH WE ARE GOING TO CELEBRATE THIS SUNDAY AT FAMILY DINNER.

YAY!

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING. MMM. (kisses)

YOU HEARD ABOUT THE "A" OUR LITTLE GENIUS GOT?

GOOD LORD, PEOPLE. IT'S ONE TEST.

OKAY, KIDS, READY TO GO TO SCHOOL?

I DON'T LIKE TO BE MORE THAN 20 MINUTES LATE FOR WORK.

OH, BY THE WAY, I THINK...

(singsongy) SOMEONE HAS A MAN-CRUSH ON WILL.

REALLY?

GRANT LIKES ME?

SEE YOU GUYS.

(door closes)

WOW. I HOPE YOU WERE THIS EXCITED

WHEN YOU FOUND OUT THATILIKED YOU.

WHAT? WHAT AM I DOING?

YOU'RE BEAMING! I'M NOT BEAMING.

(gasps) YOU'RE BEAMING. I'M NOT BEAMING.

I WONDER WHAT HE LIKES ABOUT ME.

(gasps) TONIGHT, WE CAN MAKE A LIST. MM.

BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO TELL KENNY ABOUT SUNDAY DINNER.

WHAT? WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

GRANT'S COMING.

YOU NEED TO TALK TO KENNY SO HE DOESN'T FREAK OUT

WHEN HE SEES THAT HIS EX-WIFE'S NEW BOYFRIEND

IS NOW PART OF OUR FAMILY TRADITIONS.

HE'S YOUR BROTHER.

WHY AM I THE ONE WHO HAS TO TALK TO HIM?

YOU ARE COMING TO FAMILY DINNER THIS SUNDAY. NO EXCUSES.

(clink)

OH, YEAH.

OKAY, FINE. I'LL JUST TELL HIM,

"KENNY, GRANT'S COMING TO DINNER. DEAL WITH IT."

YOU'RE GONNA BLAME IT ON ME, AREN'T YOU?

YES, I AM. MM-HMM.

GOOD-BYE.

HEY, DUDE.

HEY.

I GOT YOUR TEXT. WHAT'S UP?

UH, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING. SIT DOWN.

(voice breaks) ARE YOU DYING?

NO. IT'S ABOUT GRANT.

(normal voice) ISHEDYING?

(knock on door) NO.

AND THIS IS WILL KEEN. HE IS IN CHARGE OF REGIONAL SALES.

DAMN IT.

STEVE, COME ON!

(sighs) MR. EGGERT'S NEPHEW.

HE'S SHADOWING ME ALL WEEK SO I CAN SHOW HIM THE ROPES.

HOW'S THAT GOING?

REMEMBER IN HIGH SCHOOL

WHEN I SOILED MYSELF AT THE INDOOR SKYDIVING PLACE?

(Kenny groans) YES.

THIS IS WORSE. DUDE, RELAX.

I STOPPED TO GET A DOUGHNUT OFF THE FAT GIRL'S DESK.

HELLO, STEVE.

CALL ME "EGGNOG."

WHY DO THEY CALL YOU EGGNOG?

NO, NO, NO. DON'T ASK HIM THAT-- ♪ FROM THE EGG TO THE NOG ♪

♪ LIKE A LOG IN A BOG-- ♪ STEVE! STOP.

DUDE, IS THAT YOUR WIFE?

YES, IT IS.

(chuckles)

YOU SEE THIS CHICK HE GETS TO PLOW?

OKAY, THAT'S IT. LET'S GO.

I'VE SEEN HER EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. SHE'S MY SISTER.

OKAY, JUST GO, PLEASE. GOD.

UGH!

THAT GUYISWORSE THAN THE INDOOR SKYDIVING PLACE.

AT LEAST THEN WE GOT A VIDEO.

(flaps lips)

"STOP THE FANS!"

(laughs) THAT WAS...

YEAH, GOOD TIMES.

YEAH.

SO...

YEAH?

DID WILL TELL YOU YET?

TELL ME... WHAT?

(whispers) I DON'T KNOW.

OKAY, LOOK, GRANT IS COMING TO FAMILY DINNER THIS SUNDAY.

WHAT?!

UNACCEPTABLE.

I KNOW, I KNOW! AND THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THERESA...

MM-HMM.

BUT SHE INSISTED. I--MY HANDS ARE TIED.

MM-HMM. SO UNTIE THEM, OKAY?

YOU DON'T WANT THAT JERK IN YOUR HOUSE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY--

"ACTUALLY" WHAT?

I LIKE HIM, OKAY?

WE'RE FRIENDS.

YOU'RE FRIENDS? (chuckles)

(sighs) FRIENDS.

(scoffs) YOU HEARING THIS, CRAIG?

OH, I'M HEARING IT.

ACTUALLY, I KINDA LIKE HIM, TOO.

YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING TIME WITH HIM?

A LITTLE.

(giggles)

KICK, BUDDY. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP. GOOD JOB!

(giggles)

HE'S TEACHING ME TO SWIM.

HE'S A WONDERFUL SWIMMER.

(whispers) WOW.

(normal voice) I EXPECTED A LITTLE MORE

FROM A MAN THAT I OWE THREE MONTHS BACK RENT TO.

HEY, GRANT IS A GOOD GUY, KENNY, AND HE'S IMPORTANT TO BRENDA,

SO HE'S JUST GONNA BE PART OF OUR LIVES NOW.

I SEE.

OH! OKAY! KENNY.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. FINE!

(Craig) UH, YOU KNOW... ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

YOU GUYS LIKE HIM SO MUCH? FINE!

I'M OUTTA HERE!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A NICE LIFE TOGETHER

AS THE THREE DOUCHE-KATEERS!

KENNY.

UHH! (muttering)

WOW. NOT HIS BEST PARTING INSULT.

BETTER THAN WHEN HE CALLED US SIMON AND BUTTFUNKEL

AT MY WEDDING.

HMM.

ANOTHER TEXT FROM KENNY.

"I HOPE YOU, GRANT, AND CRAIG HAVE FUN

AS THE THREE ASS-MIGOS."

THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS IS TO GET KENNY TO ACCEPT GRANT.

I NEED TO FINESSE SOME KIND OF BROMANCE.

YOU THINK MY FATHER

EVER WOULD'VE USED THE WORD "BROMANCE"?

NO,

BUT HE ALSO NEVER SAT ON A COUNTER WEARING FLIP-FLOPS,

EATING A YOGURT PARFAIT, AND SWINGING HIS LEGS

MY DAD WOULD'VE MADE THEM HASH IT OUT IN THE BACKYARD

LIKE A COUPLE OF MEN.

AND BY THE WAY, GLADIATORS USED TO WEAR FLIP-FLOPS.

THEY JUST CALLED THEM SANDALS.

(Theresa gasps) LUCY! HEY!

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THE MALL WITH YOUR AUNT B.?

IT WAS AWESOME. YEAH?

BRENDA, I NEED TO MAKE KENNY WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH GRANT.

NOW YOU GUYS KNOW HIM BETTER THAN ANYBODY.

WHAT DO THEY HAVE IN COMMON?

WELL, THEY BOTH BREATHE OXYGEN AND HAVE HAD SEX WITH BRENDA.

OH, BUT THAT DESCRIBES A LOT OF PEOPLE.

(chuckles) TRUE.

WILL, THESE GUYS COULDN'T BE MORE DIFFERENT.

ONE'S TALL, ONE'S KENNY.

ONE'S ATHLETIC, ONE'S KENNY.

ONE'S NEVER SEEN "STAR WARS,"

ONE WANTS TO NAME HIS FIRSTBORN HAN SOLO,

EVEN IF IT'S A GIRL.

WAIT, GRANT HASNEVERSEEN "STAR WARS"?

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

HE WAS BUSY HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN AND NOT BEING A NERD.

"STAR WARS." HUH.

LUCY, WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR BACK?

OH, AUNT BRENDA GOT IT FOR ME 'CAUSE OF MY "A" IN SCIENCE.

NOW WE BOTH HAVE MATCHING TATTOOS!

(chuckles)

(sighs)

IT'S HENNA. IT WASHES OFF IN A FEW WEEKS.

IT'S A TRAMP STAMP... ON A 7-YEAR-OLD.

LUCY, I THINK MOMMY WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO AUNT BRENDA ALONE.

I THINK AUNT BRENDA WOULD LIKE PEOPLE TO STAY IN THE ROOM.

BRENDA, DO YOU REALIZE WHAT KIND OF A MESSAGE

A TATTOO LIKE THAT SENDS?

UH, YEAH.

IT SENDS A MESSAGE THAT SHE'S A 7-YEAR-OLD GIRL

WHO WANTED A LITTLE DECORATION.

GIRLS WHO GET TRAMP STAMPS ARE NOT GIRLS WHO BECOME DOCTORS.

THE WIND UP STANDING ON TABLES, TOPLESS,

WITH PEOPLE THRUSTING DOLLAR BILLS AT THEM.

YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.

I HAVE A TATTOO. HAVE I EVER DONE THAT?

SPRING BREAK, DAYTONA BEACH, SOPHOMORE YEAR OF COLLEGE.

ISOLATED INCIDENT.

SPRING BREAK, DAYTONA BEACH, JUNIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE.

ANOTHER ISOLATED INCIDENT.

WINTER BREAK, DAYTONA BEACH--

ISOLATED INCIDENT. (chuckles)

I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY.

(singsongy) HEY, KENNY.

(door closes)

LISTEN, CRAIG AND I FEEL BAD ABOUT YESTERDAY.

YOU MEAN WHEN YOU BOTH BETRAYED ME

AND VIOLATED 23 YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP?

(can hisses)

SO WE BROUGHT YOU THOSE NOODLES YOU LOVE

FROM... (singsongy) GUESS WHERE?

COCK-A-NOODLE DOO.

(mutters)

AND THE LATEST ISSUE OF "KUNG FU" MAGAZINE.

IT'S GOT AN ARTICLE CALLED

"SUPER COOL TRICKS FOR BREAKING BIG BRICKS."

AND HERE'S A MODEL OF TOM PETTY'S CAR.

I KNOW YOU REALLY LIKE IT.

I LIKERICHARDPETTY'S CAR.

OH! OH. IT MAKES SENSE.

OH, I WONDERED WHY YOU WANTED A TOY PRIUS.

OKAY, I CAN TAKE IT BACK.

NO, THIS IS PRETTY COOL.

OOH, IT'S GOT THE CARPOOL DECAL.

MM.

SO HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE WATCH "STAR WARS" THIS AFTERNOON?

I ALREADY WATCHED IT THIS MORNING...

SO ABSOLUTELY.

CRAIG, GET THE SHADES.

THERE'S ONE OTHER THING I BROUGHT.

COME ON IN, GRANT!

THIS WAS TOTALLY WILL'S IDEA.

(grunts)

(closes door)

HI, KENNY.

I GOT YOU STEVE PERRY'S FJ CRUISER.

(exhales sharply)

AND I CAN SEE BY THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE I'M WAY OFF.

(strained voice) WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?!

LISTEN TO ME. HE HAS NEVER SEEN "STAR WARS" BEFORE.

(grunts) HE'S ALWAYS WANTED TO, AND I TOLD HIM

THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON WHO SHOULD SHOW IT TO HIM.

KENNY...

YOU CAN TAKE HIS "STAR"-GINITY.

(normal voice) IS THIS TRUE,

YOU'VE...NEVERSEEN "STAR WARS"?

I HEAR IT'S A WONDERFUL FILM.

(scoffs) KENNY, PLEASE.

SHOW THIS GUY THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE AND BLOW HIS MIND.

(whispers) BLOW HIS MIND, KENNY.

OKAY. I JUST NEED TO PUT SOME PANTS ON.

(imitates lightsaber humming)

IN 1977, A 33-YEAR-OLD GEORGE LUCAS

HAD A VISION OF A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY.

(imitates Darth Vader's breathing)

TODAY, I'M GOING TO SHOW THIS VISION TO YOU

IN ITS PURIST FORM, THE WAY IT WAS MEANT TO BE SEEN--

ON BETAMAX. CRAIG?

(both sing indistinctly, high-pitched voices)

THIS IS AN ORIGINAL 1982 RENTAL-ONLY BETAMAX COPY

OF LUCAS' MASTERPIECE.

IT'S INCREDIBLY RARE AND INCREDIBLY VALUABLE,

ALTHOUGH IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO HEAR

BECAUSE I ONCE SPILLED HAWAIIAN PUNCH ON IT.

(imitates lightsaber whooshing)

(imitates lightsaber hum)

BOOP!

CAN I ASK A QUESTION?

(click)

IF THIS IS IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY,

WOULDN'T THEY BE SPEAKING IN AN ALIEN LANGUAGE?

(moans softly)

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT? VERY GOOD QUESTION, GRANT.

HOW ABOUT THAT, KENNY?

KIND OF FUN TO HAVE SOME FRESH EYES ON THIS MOVIE, HUH?

(scoffs)

THE TRANSLATION IS SIMPLY SO WE CAN UNDERSTAND

THE TEXT OF THE FILM.

IF IT WERE IN THE NATIVE TONGUE OF TATOOINE,

WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TOFOLLOW IT.

OH, WE COULD READ SUBTITLES.

GRANT, JUST GO WITH IT.

(click)

WHAT'S THAT LITTLE ROBOT'S NAME? HE'S CUTE.

HIS NAME IS R2-D2. HE'S NOT A ROBOT. HE'S A DROID.

(gasps) OHH.

I HAVE A ROOMBA.

(click)

THAT'S THE GUY FROM "AIR FORCE ONE."

THAT'S IT! I CAN'T WATCH IT ANYMORE!

YOU WANNA WATCH "BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE" INSTEAD?

KENNY, CALM DOWN.

WILL... "AIR FORCE ONE"?

THAT'SWHERE HE RECOGNIZES HARRISON FORD FROM?!

HE WAS ALSO IN "REGARDING HENRY,"

AND I BELIEVE HE'S MARRIED TO ALLY McBEAL.

(imitates lightsaber powering down) SHOW'S OVER.

KENNY...

ALLYMcBEAL.

(lightsaber clatters)

(muttering)

OH, CRAP.

MY TAPE IS STUCK.

(rattles) OH, NO. MY TAPE.

OH, GOD! POP IT!

POP UP!POP UP!

MY TAPE. (groans) POP UP!

(Will) DON'T--DON'T FORCE IT. DON'T FORCE IT, KENNY. (Craig) NO, NO, NO.

COME ON! WORK WITH ME! YOU'VE GOTTA--

OH, SWEETIE!

KENNY, KENNY, KENNY, SLOW DOWN. OKAY. HOLD IT.

NO, DON'T YOU--DON'T YOU PUT YOUR DIRTY HANDS ON HER!

(cell phone rings)

(ring)

(beep) HELLO?

SO I WAS THINKING,

YOU--YOU AND BRENDA ARE IN A FIGHT.

MAYBE WE SHOULD CANCEL FAMILY DINNER TOMORROW.

NO! IT'S FINE.

I THINK I WAS JUST OVERREACTING TO THE HENNA TATTOO.

I'M SURE IT'S HARMLESS.

AAH! (electricity crackling)

UHH!

OH, I GOT ZAPPED. I GOT ZAPPED.

(Warrant) ♪ SHE'S MY CHERRY PIE ♪

♪ PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE 10 MILES WIDE ♪

♪ LOOKS SO GOOD, BRING A TEAR TO YOUR EYE ♪

♪ SWEET CHERRY PIE ♪

♪ SWEET CHERRY PIE ♪

HERE, LUCY.

HERE'S THAT DOLLAR YOU LOANED ME FOR THE SODA MACHINE.

♪ OH, YEAH, BABY! ♪

♪ SWING IT! ♪

THERE'S A TAPE CAUGHT INSIDE. OH.

YOU NEED TO GET IT OUT. IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

AN EMERGENCY, HUH? GAY PORN?

HOMEMADE?

WHAT?

YOU CHASING EACH OTHER AROUND IN YOUR SKIVVIES?

SIR, DO WE LOOK GAY TO YOU?

WELL, HE DOES.

OH, COME ON.ME?

YEAH.

ARE YOU KIDDING?!

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE SLIGHT AND NEAT.

TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT. (scoffs)

(whispers) IT'S "STAR WARS."

OH! YOU GUYS DRESSED AS "STAR WARS" CHARACTERS,

PLAYING WITH YOUR LIGHTSABERS?

COULD YOU JUST GET THE TAPE OUT FOR US?

OH, FINE. GIVE ME A FEW MINUTES. (sighs)

(scoffs)

I'MTHE GAY ONE?

SERIOUSLY, OF THE FOUR OF US,

I PROBABLY HAVE THE MOST EXPERIENCE WITH WOMEN.

RIDICULOUS.

(telephone ringing)

HELLO, LADIES! WHAT'S UP?

LUCY, HONEY, TELL AUNT BRENDA WHAT YOU TOLD ME IN THE CAR.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET A REAL TATTOO.

FIX THIS.

(door opens)

(sighs)

YOUR SEX TAPE DIDN'T MAKE IT.

(groans and whimpers)

(crying)

THIS ISYOURFAULT!

IF YOU HADN'T TRIED

TO FORCE ME TO BE FRIENDS WITH THE SCORPION KING

AND ALL OF HIS STUPID QUESTIONS,

MY TAPE WOULD STILL BE HERE.

I'M SORRY, KENNY. THERE WERE A LOT OF THINGS IN THAT MOVIE

THAT JUST DIDN'T TRACK FOR ME.

YOU WANNA TRACK SOMETHING? TRACK THIS.

IF THIS WERE A TRACK MEET, I'D BE RUNNING...

AWAY FROM ALL OF YOU...

(whispers) ANDI'DCOME IN FIRST.

GOOD DAY!

(slams opens door)

WELL, THE TABLE SEEMS A LITTLE LONG, DOESN'T IT, BOYS?

HENRY VIII COMING?

KENNY SITS THERE. GRANT SITS DOWN THERE.

WE'LL PUT A BIG FLORAL ARRANGEMENT

RIGHT IN THE CENTER.

I TALKED TO KENNY, ALL RIGHT?

HE SAID THAT HE'S READY TO BURY THE HATCHET.

WAIT. DID HE SAY "BURY" OR "BRING"?

BECAUSE THE GUY OWNS, LIKE, 150 HATCHETS.

IT'LL BE FINE.

(door opens)

(Kenny, singsongy) HELLO!

BING-BONG!

(normal voice) HEY, GUYS!

HEY, MAN. (chuckles) HI.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT, UH, I INVITED A GUEST OVER TONIGHT.

(door closes)

OH. NO. (sighs)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IF YOU GET TO ADD A FRIEND TO OUR GROUP, THEN I GET TO, TOO.

DUDE, YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO LASER TAG.

THIS PLACE SUCKS!

EVERYONE HERE IS OLD.

(laughing)

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANY CREAM SODA?

NOTHING HERE IS TO DRINK.

(laughing)

(Will) OKAY. AHEM.

WELL, I'M SO GLAD THAT MOST OF YOU ARE HERE,

AND I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST TO FRIENDSHIP.

YES, WE ALSO WANT TO TOAST LUCY, OUR LITTLE DOCTOR.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A DOCTOR ANYMORE.

WHAT? WHY NOT?

YOUR HENNA TATTOO WILL WASH OFF IN A FEW WEEKS,

BUT IF YOU GET A REAL TATTOO AND YOU DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE,

THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO GET RID OF IT.

(laser zapping) (crying)

AUNT BRENDA SHOWED ME THAT DOCTORS HURT PEOPLE...

WITHLASERS.

(chuckles)

AT LEAST SHE DOESN'T WANT A TATTOO.

EGGNOG, MAKE THAT PTERODACTYL SOUND YOU MADE IN THE CAR.

(imitates pterodactyl screeching)

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT, KENNY?

YOU'RE A CHILD. I'M A CHILD?

HA. YEAH. OKAY.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS

WHEN YOU BROUGHT THETAPE BREAKER

INTO OUR FAMILY HERE. (scoffs) I DIDN'T BREAK THE TAPE.

I SIMPLY HAD A QUESTION

ABOUT THE LITTLE BLUE ROBOT BEEP BOOP-BOOP.

I--YOU... (fork clinks and clatters)

OHH. (utensils clatter)

OKAY, HIS NAME IS R2-D2, AND HE'S A DROID, NOT A ROBOT.

OKAY, GUYS.

IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?

YES. A DROID IS A CONSCIOUS MECHANICAL BEING

WITH A SELF-CONTAINED METHOD OFLOCOMOTION!

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A ROBOT TO ME.

WELL YOU SOUND LIKE A JERK-BOT TO ME!

OKAY, THAT'S IT. I'M DONE.

YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING TO GET YOU GUYS TO BE FRIENDS,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER,

THEN YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO HASH IT OUT LIKE MEN.

FINE. I'M HAPPY TO FIGHT HIM.

GREAT. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

THIS IS AWESOME! A SUPER LONG TABLEANDA FIGHT!

WILL! KIDS, TO THE DEN. (pounds tabletop)

(Nathan) WHAT? BUT UNCLE KENNY IS ABOUT TO DIE!

NOW! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

UNCLE KENNY IS NOT GONNA DIE TODAY, LITTLE ONE. COME ON!

WILL, STOP THIS. NO, NO, NO. THEY HAVE TO SETTLE THIS,

AND IF THAT MEANS FIGHTING, SO BE IT.

KENNY, YOU DO NOT WANNA DO THIS.

OHH,YES, I DO.

(Theresa) KIDS, GO TO THE DEN NOW.

I WON'T FIGHT YOU, KENNY. OH, YEAH?

WELL, YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU BROKE MYTAPE!

OKAY, COUPLE GROUND RULES.

NO BITING, NO GOUGING,

NO BALL PLAY,

AND--WAIT A MINUTE.

OH! (gasps)

(muffled voice) COME ON! (sputters)

UM, GRANT, I THINK YOU'RE KILLING HIM.

I USED TO WORK WITH DISTURBED ANIMALS...

(grunting) MOSTLY AGGRESSIVE DOGS AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE PARROTS.

THE BEST THING TO DO WHEN THEY BECAUSE OVERSTIMULATED

IS TO SUBDUE THEM UNTIL THEIR RAGE DISSIPATES.

(groans)

PLEASE LET ME GO. MY RAGE HAS DISSIPATED.

NO, IT HASN'T. YOU'RE FAKING IT.

SON OF A-- (grunts)

(grunting)

(whines)

SHH. SHH. OH!

MM.

(whispers) OKAY.

(normal voice) I'M CALM NOW.

GOOD BOY.

(breathing heavily)

I'M SORRY!

OKAY?

SORRY.

IT'S JUST THAT ME AND CRAIG AND WILL,

WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE MR. WATRELL'S SHOP CLASS.

AND NOWHE'SHERE,

AND YOU GOT PEOPLE TO GO ON YOUR DOUBLE DATES WITH

AND TO BRING TO YOUR FAMILY DINNERS AND...

I-I GOT WORRIED.

JUST FORGET IT.

(coughs) WUSSY!

KENNY, KENNY, NOBODY'S TRYING TO REPLACE YOU.

IT'S JUST THAT I--

GRANT'S A GOOD GUY,

AND--AND HE'S GONNA BE AROUND NOW.

SO, YOU KNOW, YOU ARE ALWAYS GONNA BE MY BEST FRIEND.

WILL, YOU SAID THAT--

CRAIG.

I GET IT. MAKING A POINT.

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, TOO, KENNY.

(mouths words)

(whispers) RIGHT.

I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR "STAR WAR" TAPE, KENNY.

IT'S "STARWARS."PLURAL.

AND IT'S FINE. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.

IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'D LIKE TO BUY YOU ANOTHER TAPE.

W--Y-- (laughs) YOU CAN'T JUST BUY SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THAT'S A FIRST EDITION BETAMAX.

YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE WOULD DO FOR THAT?

THEY'D STEAL, THEY'D CHEAT, THEY'D...

THEY WOULD LIE AND SAY THAT YOUR VCR ATE IT.

THAT OLD MAN NEVER DID GIVE US THAT TAPE BACK.

LET'S RIDE!

LET ME GO! AAH!

NOT UNTIL YOU'RE CALM. (grunts)

(groans)

AHH. (pants)

THAT TAPE IS UNDER THE COUNTER.

AH, HA HA!

GOOD BOY.

(sighs)

F.Y.I., MISTER.

I'VE HAD SEXUAL CONTACT WITH OVER 34 FEMALES,

I ALMOST APPLIED TO THE AIR FORCE ACADEMY,

AND I ONCE RODE ON THE BACK OF MY UNCLE DON'S HARLEY.

DOES THAT SOUND GAY TO YOU?

DIDN'T THINK SO.

LET'S HIT IT.

♪♪♪

(thud, clatter)

IN THE YEAR 2000,

MIDDLE-AGED DIRECTOR RAJA GOSNELL

HAD A BOLD VISION

OF AN OVERWEIGHT MOMMA WHO HAD A HOUSE.

TODAY I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THAT VISION--

"BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE," THE WAY IT WAS MEANT TO BE SEEN--

ON BASIC CABLE WITH MANY COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.

(Craig, Kenny, and Will laughing)

OH, WATCH THIS. WATCH THIS.

NOW SHE HAS TO PRETEND SHE'S A MIDWIFE.

(both laugh)

CAN YOU BELIEVE THE LUCK BIG MOMMA'S HAVING?

I'M SORRY,

ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT THIS INTELLIGENT YOUNG WOMAN IS

COMPLETELY UNAWARE THAT THE MAN SHE'S FALLING IN LOVE WITH

IS ALSO HER OBESE, BASKETBALL-DUNKING GRANDMOTHER?

DON'T GET HUNG UP ON PLOT.

JUST ENJOY THE GIGANTIC FAKE BOOBS GETTING CAUGHT IN STUFF.

(laughs)

OH, BIG MOMMA, YOU CRAZY!

I REALLY WANNA BOND WITH YOU, BUT SERIOUSLY, FELLAS,

WHAT'S THE LAST BOOK YOU ALL READ?

(inhales sharply)