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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,463 --> 00:00:03,963 GUYS, WHY ARE WE IN THE PRISON? 2 00:00:03,964 --> 00:00:05,184 I THOUGHT WE WERE PLAYING 3 00:00:05,176 --> 00:00:06,256 IN THE ABANDONED MINE SHAFTS TONIGHT. 4 00:00:06,257 --> 00:00:07,677 WELL, SINCE YOU WERE LATE, 5 00:00:07,678 --> 00:00:09,388 WE MADE AN EXECUTIVE DECISION WITHOUT YOU. 6 00:00:09,390 --> 00:00:10,630 AND MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE GOING ON DOUBLE DATES 7 00:00:10,631 --> 00:00:12,631 WITH MY EX-WIFE AND HER NEW BOYFRIEND. 8 00:00:12,633 --> 00:00:15,143 I DIDN'T WANT TO GO! THERESA MADE ME. 9 00:00:15,136 --> 00:00:17,016 YOU THINK I LIKE HANGING OUT WITH GRANT? 10 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,557 (laughs) I LIKE HANGING OUT WITH YOU. 11 00:00:18,559 --> 00:00:20,019 YOU KNOW, MY BUDDY AND I ARE GONNA SPLIT 12 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,400 THE 96-OUNCE PORTERHOUSE. 13 00:00:23,904 --> 00:00:25,824 SO YOU REALLY CLIMBED MOUNT EVEREST? 14 00:00:25,816 --> 00:00:28,946 I LOOKED OVER THE WORLD, MAN, AND LET ME TELL YOU, 15 00:00:28,949 --> 00:00:30,649 IT'S WORTH SAVING. 16 00:00:30,651 --> 00:00:32,781 I HEAR YOU. I'VE BEEN RECYCLING. 17 00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:35,825 THE WHOLE NIGHT WAS LIKE A TRIP TO THE DENTIST. 18 00:00:35,826 --> 00:00:37,656 I BEGGED THERESA TO GET ME OUT OF IT, 19 00:00:37,658 --> 00:00:39,458 BUT YOU KNOW HOW YOUR SISTER GETS. 20 00:00:39,460 --> 00:00:42,460 I CANNOTBELIEVETHAT IS THE GUY MY EX-WIFE PICKED. 21 00:00:42,463 --> 00:00:45,053 HEY, WILL, HAVE YOU HEARD CRAIG'S IMPRESSION OF GRANT? 22 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:48,045 (deep voice) "OH, I'M GRANT. I'M TALL AND GOOD-LOOKING. 23 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,218 I ENJOY VITAMINS AND EXERCISE." 24 00:00:50,221 --> 00:00:51,431 (laughing) 25 00:00:51,432 --> 00:00:52,842 IT'S SO TRUE! THAT'S HIM! 26 00:00:52,843 --> 00:00:54,683 OOH! OOH! DO WILL NOW. 27 00:00:54,675 --> 00:00:56,765 (imitates Southern accent) GIT ON OUT OF THERE NOW! 28 00:00:56,767 --> 00:00:58,677 WHAT? I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT. 29 00:00:58,679 --> 00:01:00,179 DUDE, CRAIG, HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW. 30 00:01:00,181 --> 00:01:01,231 (laughing) 31 00:01:01,232 --> 00:01:05,652 (slaps leg) 32 00:01:05,646 --> 00:01:07,146 (singsongy) HELLO, EVERYBODY! 33 00:01:07,148 --> 00:01:08,358 (singsongy) HELLO! 34 00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:10,109 HI, AUNT BRENDA. (normal voice) HEY. 35 00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:11,321 LUCY, DO YOU WANNA TELL AUNT BRENDA 36 00:01:11,322 --> 00:01:12,492 ALL ABOUT YOUR BIG NEWS? 37 00:01:12,493 --> 00:01:14,463 MY FRIEND AMBER CAN SPIT IN THE AIR 38 00:01:14,455 --> 00:01:16,655 AND CATCH IT IN HER HAND. 39 00:01:16,657 --> 00:01:18,197 THAT'S AWESOME. 40 00:01:18,199 --> 00:01:20,289 NOT AS AWESOME AS OUR LITTLE DOCTOR-TO-BE GETTING AN "A" 41 00:01:20,291 --> 00:01:21,501 ON HER SCIENCE TEST. 42 00:01:21,502 --> 00:01:23,792 (singsongy) CONGRATULATIONS. 43 00:01:23,794 --> 00:01:26,014 WHICH WE ARE GOING TO CELEBRATE THIS SUNDAY AT FAMILY DINNER. 44 00:01:26,006 --> 00:01:27,166 YAY! 45 00:01:27,168 --> 00:01:28,128 GOOD MORNING. 46 00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:30,379 GOOD MORNING. MMM. (kisses) 47 00:01:30,381 --> 00:01:32,131 YOU HEARD ABOUT THE "A" OUR LITTLE GENIUS GOT? 48 00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:34,223 GOOD LORD, PEOPLE. IT'S ONE TEST. 49 00:01:34,215 --> 00:01:35,555 OKAY, KIDS, READY TO GO TO SCHOOL? 50 00:01:35,556 --> 00:01:38,386 I DON'T LIKE TO BE MORE THAN 20 MINUTES LATE FOR WORK. 51 00:01:38,389 --> 00:01:40,719 OH, BY THE WAY, I THINK... 52 00:01:40,721 --> 00:01:43,521 (singsongy) SOMEONE HAS A MAN-CRUSH ON WILL. 53 00:01:43,524 --> 00:01:44,734 REALLY? 54 00:01:44,725 --> 00:01:46,185 GRANT LIKES ME? 55 00:01:46,187 --> 00:01:47,527 SEE YOU GUYS. 56 00:01:47,528 --> 00:01:48,728 (door closes) 57 00:01:48,729 --> 00:01:50,819 WOW. I HOPE YOU WERE THIS EXCITED 58 00:01:50,821 --> 00:01:52,281 WHEN YOU FOUND OUT THATILIKED YOU. 59 00:01:52,283 --> 00:01:53,493 WHAT? WHAT AM I DOING? 60 00:01:53,494 --> 00:01:55,124 YOU'RE BEAMING! I'M NOT BEAMING. 61 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,325 (gasps) YOU'RE BEAMING. I'M NOT BEAMING. 62 00:01:57,328 --> 00:01:58,498 I WONDER WHAT HE LIKES ABOUT ME. 63 00:01:58,499 --> 00:01:59,949 (gasps) TONIGHT, WE CAN MAKE A LIST. MM. 64 00:01:59,950 --> 00:02:03,240 BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO TELL KENNY ABOUT SUNDAY DINNER. 65 00:02:03,244 --> 00:02:04,924 WHAT? WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 66 00:02:04,915 --> 00:02:06,335 GRANT'S COMING. 67 00:02:06,337 --> 00:02:07,707 YOU NEED TO TALK TO KENNY SO HE DOESN'T FREAK OUT 68 00:02:07,708 --> 00:02:10,298 WHEN HE SEES THAT HIS EX-WIFE'S NEW BOYFRIEND 69 00:02:10,301 --> 00:02:12,301 IS NOW PART OF OUR FAMILY TRADITIONS. 70 00:02:12,303 --> 00:02:13,923 HE'S YOUR BROTHER. 71 00:02:13,924 --> 00:02:16,524 WHY AM I THE ONE WHO HAS TO TALK TO HIM? 72 00:02:16,517 --> 00:02:19,347 YOU ARE COMING TO FAMILY DINNER THIS SUNDAY. NO EXCUSES. 73 00:02:19,350 --> 00:02:20,560 (clink) 74 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,762 OH, YEAH. 75 00:02:23,764 --> 00:02:25,444 OKAY, FINE. I'LL JUST TELL HIM, 76 00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:28,316 "KENNY, GRANT'S COMING TO DINNER. DEAL WITH IT." 77 00:02:28,319 --> 00:02:30,359 YOU'RE GONNA BLAME IT ON ME, AREN'T YOU? 78 00:02:30,361 --> 00:02:31,361 YES, I AM. MM-HMM. 79 00:02:31,362 --> 00:02:32,612 GOOD-BYE. 80 00:02:35,236 --> 00:02:36,446 HEY, DUDE. 81 00:02:36,447 --> 00:02:37,657 HEY. 82 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,078 I GOT YOUR TEXT. WHAT'S UP? 83 00:02:39,079 --> 00:02:42,239 UH, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING. SIT DOWN. 84 00:02:42,243 --> 00:02:43,243 (voice breaks) ARE YOU DYING? 85 00:02:43,244 --> 00:02:45,754 NO. IT'S ABOUT GRANT. 86 00:02:45,746 --> 00:02:46,746 (normal voice) ISHEDYING? 87 00:02:46,747 --> 00:02:48,247 (knock on door) NO. 88 00:02:48,249 --> 00:02:50,879 AND THIS IS WILL KEEN. HE IS IN CHARGE OF REGIONAL SALES. 89 00:02:50,881 --> 00:02:52,341 DAMN IT. 90 00:02:52,343 --> 00:02:54,393 STEVE, COME ON! 91 00:02:55,846 --> 00:02:57,216 (sighs) MR. EGGERT'S NEPHEW. 92 00:02:57,218 --> 00:02:59,258 HE'S SHADOWING ME ALL WEEK SO I CAN SHOW HIM THE ROPES. 93 00:02:59,260 --> 00:03:00,720 HOW'S THAT GOING? 94 00:03:00,721 --> 00:03:02,141 REMEMBER IN HIGH SCHOOL 95 00:03:02,142 --> 00:03:04,232 WHEN I SOILED MYSELF AT THE INDOOR SKYDIVING PLACE? 96 00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:05,855 (Kenny groans) YES. 97 00:03:05,856 --> 00:03:07,226 THIS IS WORSE. DUDE, RELAX. 98 00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:09,768 I STOPPED TO GET A DOUGHNUT OFF THE FAT GIRL'S DESK. 99 00:03:09,770 --> 00:03:11,230 HELLO, STEVE. 100 00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:12,572 CALL ME "EGGNOG." 101 00:03:12,573 --> 00:03:14,243 WHY DO THEY CALL YOU EGGNOG? 102 00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:15,615 NO, NO, NO. DON'T ASK HIM THAT-- ♪ FROM THE EGG TO THE NOG ♪ 103 00:03:15,616 --> 00:03:18,406 ♪ LIKE A LOG IN A BOG-- ♪ STEVE! STOP. 104 00:03:18,409 --> 00:03:20,239 DUDE, IS THAT YOUR WIFE? 105 00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:21,241 YES, IT IS. 106 00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:22,242 (chuckles) 107 00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:23,623 YOU SEE THIS CHICK HE GETS TO PLOW? 108 00:03:23,624 --> 00:03:25,174 OKAY, THAT'S IT. LET'S GO. 109 00:03:25,165 --> 00:03:27,535 I'VE SEEN HER EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. SHE'S MY SISTER. 110 00:03:27,538 --> 00:03:29,588 OKAY, JUST GO, PLEASE. GOD. 111 00:03:29,590 --> 00:03:32,500 UGH! 112 00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:34,803 THAT GUYISWORSE THAN THE INDOOR SKYDIVING PLACE. 113 00:03:34,795 --> 00:03:36,095 AT LEAST THEN WE GOT A VIDEO. 114 00:03:36,096 --> 00:03:37,966 (flaps lips) 115 00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:39,508 "STOP THE FANS!" 116 00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:41,260 (laughs) THAT WAS... 117 00:03:41,262 --> 00:03:42,392 YEAH, GOOD TIMES. 118 00:03:42,393 --> 00:03:43,603 YEAH. 119 00:03:43,604 --> 00:03:45,024 SO... 120 00:03:45,015 --> 00:03:46,395 YEAH? 121 00:03:46,397 --> 00:03:48,267 DID WILL TELL YOU YET? 122 00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:50,479 TELL ME... WHAT? 123 00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:52,691 (whispers) I DON'T KNOW. 124 00:03:52,693 --> 00:03:56,743 OKAY, LOOK, GRANT IS COMING TO FAMILY DINNER THIS SUNDAY. 125 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,277 WHAT?! 126 00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:00,319 UNACCEPTABLE. 127 00:04:00,321 --> 00:04:01,621 I KNOW, I KNOW! AND THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THERESA... 128 00:04:01,622 --> 00:04:02,822 MM-HMM. 129 00:04:02,823 --> 00:04:04,713 BUT SHE INSISTED. I--MY HANDS ARE TIED. 130 00:04:04,705 --> 00:04:06,365 MM-HMM. SO UNTIE THEM, OKAY? 131 00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:07,707 YOU DON'T WANT THAT JERK IN YOUR HOUSE. 132 00:04:07,708 --> 00:04:09,288 WELL, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY-- 133 00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:10,330 "ACTUALLY" WHAT? 134 00:04:10,331 --> 00:04:12,131 I LIKE HIM, OKAY? 135 00:04:12,132 --> 00:04:13,712 WE'RE FRIENDS. 136 00:04:13,714 --> 00:04:15,344 YOU'RE FRIENDS? (chuckles) 137 00:04:15,336 --> 00:04:16,376 (sighs) FRIENDS. 138 00:04:16,377 --> 00:04:18,257 (scoffs) YOU HEARING THIS, CRAIG? 139 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,838 OH, I'M HEARING IT. 140 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:21,470 ACTUALLY, I KINDA LIKE HIM, TOO. 141 00:04:21,472 --> 00:04:23,012 YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING TIME WITH HIM? 142 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,093 A LITTLE. 143 00:04:25,476 --> 00:04:26,436 (giggles) 144 00:04:26,437 --> 00:04:27,647 KICK, BUDDY. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP. GOOD JOB! 145 00:04:27,648 --> 00:04:29,348 (giggles) 146 00:04:29,350 --> 00:04:30,810 HE'S TEACHING ME TO SWIM. 147 00:04:30,811 --> 00:04:32,151 HE'S A WONDERFUL SWIMMER. 148 00:04:32,152 --> 00:04:33,312 (whispers) WOW. 149 00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:35,364 (normal voice) I EXPECTED A LITTLE MORE 150 00:04:35,356 --> 00:04:37,566 FROM A MAN THAT I OWE THREE MONTHS BACK RENT TO. 151 00:04:37,568 --> 00:04:41,238 HEY, GRANT IS A GOOD GUY, KENNY, AND HE'S IMPORTANT TO BRENDA, 152 00:04:41,241 --> 00:04:43,161 SO HE'S JUST GONNA BE PART OF OUR LIVES NOW. 153 00:04:43,163 --> 00:04:44,163 I SEE. 154 00:04:44,164 --> 00:04:45,544 OH! OKAY! KENNY. 155 00:04:45,536 --> 00:04:46,956 ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. FINE! 156 00:04:46,957 --> 00:04:48,327 (Craig) UH, YOU KNOW... ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! 157 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,749 YOU GUYS LIKE HIM SO MUCH? FINE! 158 00:04:50,751 --> 00:04:52,081 I'M OUTTA HERE! 159 00:04:52,082 --> 00:04:53,372 YOU KNOW WHAT? 160 00:04:53,374 --> 00:04:55,384 I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A NICE LIFE TOGETHER 161 00:04:55,376 --> 00:04:57,176 AS THE THREE DOUCHE-KATEERS! 162 00:04:57,177 --> 00:04:59,757 KENNY. 163 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:03,510 UHH! (muttering) 164 00:05:03,514 --> 00:05:06,104 WOW. NOT HIS BEST PARTING INSULT. 165 00:05:06,096 --> 00:05:08,016 BETTER THAN WHEN HE CALLED US SIMON AND BUTTFUNKEL 166 00:05:08,018 --> 00:05:09,348 AT MY WEDDING. 167 00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:10,430 HMM. 168 00:05:16,236 --> 00:05:19,276 ANOTHER TEXT FROM KENNY. 169 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:21,279 "I HOPE YOU, GRANT, AND CRAIG HAVE FUN 170 00:05:21,281 --> 00:05:23,241 AS THE THREE ASS-MIGOS." 171 00:05:23,243 --> 00:05:26,333 THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS IS TO GET KENNY TO ACCEPT GRANT. 172 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,996 I NEED TO FINESSE SOME KIND OF BROMANCE. 173 00:05:28,999 --> 00:05:30,249 YOU THINK MY FATHER 174 00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:31,450 EVER WOULD'VE USED THE WORD "BROMANCE"? 175 00:05:31,452 --> 00:05:32,622 NO, 176 00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,843 BUT HE ALSO NEVER SAT ON A COUNTER WEARING FLIP-FLOPS, 177 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,625 EATING A YOGURT PARFAIT, AND SWINGING HIS LEGS 178 00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:42,260 MY DAD WOULD'VE MADE THEM HASH IT OUT IN THE BACKYARD 179 00:05:42,262 --> 00:05:43,422 LIKE A COUPLE OF MEN. 180 00:05:43,424 --> 00:05:47,024 AND BY THE WAY, GLADIATORS USED TO WEAR FLIP-FLOPS. 181 00:05:47,017 --> 00:05:48,597 THEY JUST CALLED THEM SANDALS. 182 00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:50,639 (Theresa gasps) LUCY! HEY! 183 00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:52,471 DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THE MALL WITH YOUR AUNT B.? 184 00:05:52,473 --> 00:05:54,693 IT WAS AWESOME. YEAH? 185 00:05:54,685 --> 00:05:56,645 BRENDA, I NEED TO MAKE KENNY WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH GRANT. 186 00:05:56,647 --> 00:05:58,817 NOW YOU GUYS KNOW HIM BETTER THAN ANYBODY. 187 00:05:58,819 --> 00:06:00,399 WHAT DO THEY HAVE IN COMMON? 188 00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:02,861 WELL, THEY BOTH BREATHE OXYGEN AND HAVE HAD SEX WITH BRENDA. 189 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,283 OH, BUT THAT DESCRIBES A LOT OF PEOPLE. 190 00:06:04,284 --> 00:06:05,754 (chuckles) TRUE. 191 00:06:05,746 --> 00:06:07,486 WILL, THESE GUYS COULDN'T BE MORE DIFFERENT. 192 00:06:07,488 --> 00:06:09,288 ONE'S TALL, ONE'S KENNY. 193 00:06:09,289 --> 00:06:11,249 ONE'S ATHLETIC, ONE'S KENNY. 194 00:06:11,251 --> 00:06:13,331 ONE'S NEVER SEEN "STAR WARS," 195 00:06:13,333 --> 00:06:16,133 ONE WANTS TO NAME HIS FIRSTBORN HAN SOLO, 196 00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:17,416 EVEN IF IT'S A GIRL. 197 00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:19,798 WAIT, GRANT HASNEVERSEEN "STAR WARS"? 198 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,260 HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? 199 00:06:21,261 --> 00:06:24,471 HE WAS BUSY HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN AND NOT BEING A NERD. 200 00:06:24,465 --> 00:06:26,095 "STAR WARS." HUH. 201 00:06:27,307 --> 00:06:30,137 LUCY, WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR BACK? 202 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:33,060 OH, AUNT BRENDA GOT IT FOR ME 'CAUSE OF MY "A" IN SCIENCE. 203 00:06:33,063 --> 00:06:35,653 NOW WE BOTH HAVE MATCHING TATTOOS! 204 00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:37,816 (chuckles) 205 00:06:37,818 --> 00:06:39,018 (sighs) 206 00:06:39,019 --> 00:06:41,279 IT'S HENNA. IT WASHES OFF IN A FEW WEEKS. 207 00:06:41,281 --> 00:06:43,861 IT'S A TRAMP STAMP... ON A 7-YEAR-OLD. 208 00:06:43,864 --> 00:06:46,534 LUCY, I THINK MOMMY WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO AUNT BRENDA ALONE. 209 00:06:46,527 --> 00:06:50,237 I THINK AUNT BRENDA WOULD LIKE PEOPLE TO STAY IN THE ROOM. 210 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,450 BRENDA, DO YOU REALIZE WHAT KIND OF A MESSAGE 211 00:06:51,452 --> 00:06:53,532 A TATTOO LIKE THAT SENDS? 212 00:06:53,534 --> 00:06:54,714 UH, YEAH. 213 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:57,585 IT SENDS A MESSAGE THAT SHE'S A 7-YEAR-OLD GIRL 214 00:06:57,588 --> 00:06:59,208 WHO WANTED A LITTLE DECORATION. 215 00:06:59,209 --> 00:07:02,419 GIRLS WHO GET TRAMP STAMPS ARE NOT GIRLS WHO BECOME DOCTORS. 216 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,432 THE WIND UP STANDING ON TABLES, TOPLESS, 217 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,045 WITH PEOPLE THRUSTING DOLLAR BILLS AT THEM. 218 00:07:08,048 --> 00:07:09,548 YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS. 219 00:07:09,550 --> 00:07:11,510 I HAVE A TATTOO. HAVE I EVER DONE THAT? 220 00:07:11,512 --> 00:07:14,052 SPRING BREAK, DAYTONA BEACH, SOPHOMORE YEAR OF COLLEGE. 221 00:07:14,054 --> 00:07:15,404 ISOLATED INCIDENT. 222 00:07:15,395 --> 00:07:17,765 SPRING BREAK, DAYTONA BEACH, JUNIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE. 223 00:07:17,768 --> 00:07:19,478 ANOTHER ISOLATED INCIDENT. 224 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:20,560 WINTER BREAK, DAYTONA BEACH-- 225 00:07:20,561 --> 00:07:22,771 ISOLATED INCIDENT. (chuckles) 226 00:07:22,773 --> 00:07:25,203 I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY. 227 00:07:27,528 --> 00:07:29,868 (singsongy) HEY, KENNY. 228 00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:32,452 (door closes) 229 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,922 LISTEN, CRAIG AND I FEEL BAD ABOUT YESTERDAY. 230 00:07:35,916 --> 00:07:37,336 YOU MEAN WHEN YOU BOTH BETRAYED ME 231 00:07:37,337 --> 00:07:39,207 AND VIOLATED 23 YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP? 232 00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:40,919 (can hisses) 233 00:07:40,921 --> 00:07:42,711 SO WE BROUGHT YOU THOSE NOODLES YOU LOVE 234 00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:44,893 FROM... (singsongy) GUESS WHERE? 235 00:07:44,885 --> 00:07:46,465 COCK-A-NOODLE DOO. 236 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,676 (mutters) 237 00:07:47,678 --> 00:07:49,048 AND THE LATEST ISSUE OF "KUNG FU" MAGAZINE. 238 00:07:49,049 --> 00:07:50,469 IT'S GOT AN ARTICLE CALLED 239 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,220 "SUPER COOL TRICKS FOR BREAKING BIG BRICKS." 240 00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:55,232 AND HERE'S A MODEL OF TOM PETTY'S CAR. 241 00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:57,225 I KNOW YOU REALLY LIKE IT. 242 00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,687 I LIKERICHARDPETTY'S CAR. 243 00:07:59,690 --> 00:08:00,900 OH! OH. IT MAKES SENSE. 244 00:08:00,901 --> 00:08:02,311 OH, I WONDERED WHY YOU WANTED A TOY PRIUS. 245 00:08:02,312 --> 00:08:03,562 OKAY, I CAN TAKE IT BACK. 246 00:08:03,564 --> 00:08:05,914 NO, THIS IS PRETTY COOL. 247 00:08:05,906 --> 00:08:08,566 OOH, IT'S GOT THE CARPOOL DECAL. 248 00:08:08,569 --> 00:08:10,279 MM. 249 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,320 SO HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA. 250 00:08:12,322 --> 00:08:14,582 WHY DON'T WE WATCH "STAR WARS" THIS AFTERNOON? 251 00:08:14,575 --> 00:08:16,955 I ALREADY WATCHED IT THIS MORNING... 252 00:08:16,957 --> 00:08:18,377 SO ABSOLUTELY. 253 00:08:18,378 --> 00:08:19,668 CRAIG, GET THE SHADES. 254 00:08:19,670 --> 00:08:22,170 THERE'S ONE OTHER THING I BROUGHT. 255 00:08:22,172 --> 00:08:23,622 COME ON IN, GRANT! 256 00:08:23,624 --> 00:08:25,894 THIS WAS TOTALLY WILL'S IDEA. 257 00:08:25,886 --> 00:08:27,086 (grunts) 258 00:08:27,087 --> 00:08:29,087 (closes door) 259 00:08:29,089 --> 00:08:30,929 HI, KENNY. 260 00:08:30,931 --> 00:08:34,011 I GOT YOU STEVE PERRY'S FJ CRUISER. 261 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,144 (exhales sharply) 262 00:08:36,136 --> 00:08:38,136 AND I CAN SEE BY THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE I'M WAY OFF. 263 00:08:38,138 --> 00:08:39,898 (strained voice) WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?! 264 00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:43,520 LISTEN TO ME. HE HAS NEVER SEEN "STAR WARS" BEFORE. 265 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,363 (grunts) HE'S ALWAYS WANTED TO, AND I TOLD HIM 266 00:08:45,355 --> 00:08:46,985 THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON WHO SHOULD SHOW IT TO HIM. 267 00:08:46,987 --> 00:08:48,527 KENNY... 268 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,988 YOU CAN TAKE HIS "STAR"-GINITY. 269 00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:56,245 (normal voice) IS THIS TRUE, 270 00:08:56,246 --> 00:08:58,746 YOU'VE...NEVERSEEN "STAR WARS"? 271 00:08:58,749 --> 00:09:00,579 I HEAR IT'S A WONDERFUL FILM. 272 00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:02,421 (scoffs) KENNY, PLEASE. 273 00:09:02,422 --> 00:09:07,222 SHOW THIS GUY THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE AND BLOW HIS MIND. 274 00:09:07,217 --> 00:09:09,297 (whispers) BLOW HIS MIND, KENNY. 275 00:09:10,671 --> 00:09:14,341 OKAY. I JUST NEED TO PUT SOME PANTS ON. 276 00:09:16,266 --> 00:09:19,516 (imitates lightsaber humming) 277 00:09:19,519 --> 00:09:23,479 IN 1977, A 33-YEAR-OLD GEORGE LUCAS 278 00:09:23,483 --> 00:09:26,403 HAD A VISION OF A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY. 279 00:09:26,396 --> 00:09:27,986 (imitates Darth Vader's breathing) 280 00:09:27,988 --> 00:09:31,108 TODAY, I'M GOING TO SHOW THIS VISION TO YOU 281 00:09:31,111 --> 00:09:34,571 IN ITS PURIST FORM, THE WAY IT WAS MEANT TO BE SEEN-- 282 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,124 ON BETAMAX. CRAIG? 283 00:09:38,458 --> 00:09:42,618 (both sing indistinctly, high-pitched voices) 284 00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:47,133 THIS IS AN ORIGINAL 1982 RENTAL-ONLY BETAMAX COPY 285 00:09:47,127 --> 00:09:49,587 OF LUCAS' MASTERPIECE. 286 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,669 IT'S INCREDIBLY RARE AND INCREDIBLY VALUABLE, 287 00:09:52,673 --> 00:09:54,263 ALTHOUGH IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO HEAR 288 00:09:54,264 --> 00:09:56,604 BECAUSE I ONCE SPILLED HAWAIIAN PUNCH ON IT. 289 00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:02,059 (imitates lightsaber whooshing) 290 00:10:02,062 --> 00:10:03,642 (imitates lightsaber hum) 291 00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:04,524 BOOP! 292 00:10:06,316 --> 00:10:07,686 CAN I ASK A QUESTION? 293 00:10:07,688 --> 00:10:09,648 (click) 294 00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:10,940 IF THIS IS IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY, 295 00:10:10,941 --> 00:10:13,321 WOULDN'T THEY BE SPEAKING IN AN ALIEN LANGUAGE? 296 00:10:13,323 --> 00:10:14,703 (moans softly) 297 00:10:14,695 --> 00:10:16,655 UH, YOU KNOW WHAT? VERY GOOD QUESTION, GRANT. 298 00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:18,287 HOW ABOUT THAT, KENNY? 299 00:10:18,288 --> 00:10:20,698 KIND OF FUN TO HAVE SOME FRESH EYES ON THIS MOVIE, HUH? 300 00:10:20,701 --> 00:10:21,661 (scoffs) 301 00:10:21,662 --> 00:10:25,052 THE TRANSLATION IS SIMPLY SO WE CAN UNDERSTAND 302 00:10:25,045 --> 00:10:26,625 THE TEXT OF THE FILM. 303 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,546 IF IT WERE IN THE NATIVE TONGUE OF TATOOINE, 304 00:10:28,548 --> 00:10:30,588 WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TOFOLLOW IT. 305 00:10:30,590 --> 00:10:31,960 OH, WE COULD READ SUBTITLES. 306 00:10:31,962 --> 00:10:33,672 GRANT, JUST GO WITH IT. 307 00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:36,564 (click) 308 00:10:38,809 --> 00:10:41,219 WHAT'S THAT LITTLE ROBOT'S NAME? HE'S CUTE. 309 00:10:41,221 --> 00:10:45,691 HIS NAME IS R2-D2. HE'S NOT A ROBOT. HE'S A DROID. 310 00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:48,316 (gasps) OHH. 311 00:10:49,609 --> 00:10:51,189 I HAVE A ROOMBA. 312 00:10:54,614 --> 00:10:55,624 (click) 313 00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:02,451 THAT'S THE GUY FROM "AIR FORCE ONE." 314 00:11:02,452 --> 00:11:05,212 THAT'S IT! I CAN'T WATCH IT ANYMORE! 315 00:11:05,205 --> 00:11:06,625 YOU WANNA WATCH "BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE" INSTEAD? 316 00:11:06,626 --> 00:11:08,046 KENNY, CALM DOWN. 317 00:11:08,048 --> 00:11:09,998 WILL... "AIR FORCE ONE"? 318 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,790 THAT'SWHERE HE RECOGNIZES HARRISON FORD FROM?! 319 00:11:12,793 --> 00:11:14,213 HE WAS ALSO IN "REGARDING HENRY," 320 00:11:14,214 --> 00:11:16,604 AND I BELIEVE HE'S MARRIED TO ALLY McBEAL. 321 00:11:16,596 --> 00:11:18,256 (imitates lightsaber powering down) SHOW'S OVER. 322 00:11:19,639 --> 00:11:20,759 KENNY... 323 00:11:20,761 --> 00:11:21,971 ALLYMcBEAL. 324 00:11:21,972 --> 00:11:23,182 (lightsaber clatters) 325 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:26,273 (muttering) 326 00:11:26,266 --> 00:11:28,356 OH, CRAP. 327 00:11:28,358 --> 00:11:29,608 MY TAPE IS STUCK. 328 00:11:29,609 --> 00:11:32,069 (rattles) OH, NO. MY TAPE. 329 00:11:32,072 --> 00:11:34,652 OH, GOD! POP IT! 330 00:11:34,654 --> 00:11:36,244 POP UP!POP UP! 331 00:11:36,236 --> 00:11:38,486 MY TAPE. (groans) POP UP! 332 00:11:38,488 --> 00:11:40,158 (Will) DON'T--DON'T FORCE IT. DON'T FORCE IT, KENNY. (Craig) NO, NO, NO. 333 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:41,450 COME ON! WORK WITH ME! YOU'VE GOTTA-- 334 00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:42,621 OH, SWEETIE! 335 00:11:42,622 --> 00:11:44,242 KENNY, KENNY, KENNY, SLOW DOWN. OKAY. HOLD IT. 336 00:11:44,244 --> 00:11:46,294 NO, DON'T YOU--DON'T YOU PUT YOUR DIRTY HANDS ON HER! 337 00:11:48,789 --> 00:11:50,499 (cell phone rings) 338 00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,040 (ring) 339 00:11:52,042 --> 00:11:53,212 (beep) HELLO? 340 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,383 SO I WAS THINKING, 341 00:11:54,384 --> 00:11:56,604 YOU--YOU AND BRENDA ARE IN A FIGHT. 342 00:11:56,596 --> 00:11:59,096 MAYBE WE SHOULD CANCEL FAMILY DINNER TOMORROW. 343 00:11:59,099 --> 00:12:00,719 NO! IT'S FINE. 344 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,640 I THINK I WAS JUST OVERREACTING TO THE HENNA TATTOO. 345 00:12:03,643 --> 00:12:04,943 I'M SURE IT'S HARMLESS. 346 00:12:04,935 --> 00:12:06,765 AAH! (electricity crackling) 347 00:12:06,767 --> 00:12:08,647 UHH! 348 00:12:08,648 --> 00:12:10,848 OH, I GOT ZAPPED. I GOT ZAPPED. 349 00:12:12,692 --> 00:12:15,572 (Warrant) ♪ SHE'S MY CHERRY PIE ♪ 350 00:12:15,565 --> 00:12:18,155 ♪ PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE 10 MILES WIDE ♪ 351 00:12:18,158 --> 00:12:20,988 ♪ LOOKS SO GOOD, BRING A TEAR TO YOUR EYE ♪ 352 00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:24,161 ♪ SWEET CHERRY PIE ♪ 353 00:12:24,164 --> 00:12:28,294 ♪ SWEET CHERRY PIE ♪ 354 00:12:28,288 --> 00:12:29,668 HERE, LUCY. 355 00:12:29,669 --> 00:12:30,669 HERE'S THAT DOLLAR YOU LOANED ME FOR THE SODA MACHINE. 356 00:12:30,670 --> 00:12:33,580 ♪ OH, YEAH, BABY! ♪ 357 00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:34,753 ♪ SWING IT! ♪ 358 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,644 THERE'S A TAPE CAUGHT INSIDE. OH. 359 00:12:36,636 --> 00:12:38,716 YOU NEED TO GET IT OUT. IT'S AN EMERGENCY. 360 00:12:38,718 --> 00:12:41,718 AN EMERGENCY, HUH? GAY PORN? 361 00:12:41,721 --> 00:12:42,721 HOMEMADE? 362 00:12:42,722 --> 00:12:44,142 WHAT? 363 00:12:44,144 --> 00:12:46,394 YOU CHASING EACH OTHER AROUND IN YOUR SKIVVIES? 364 00:12:46,386 --> 00:12:47,686 SIR, DO WE LOOK GAY TO YOU? 365 00:12:47,687 --> 00:12:49,347 WELL, HE DOES. 366 00:12:49,349 --> 00:12:50,729 OH, COME ON.ME? 367 00:12:50,730 --> 00:12:51,850 YEAH. 368 00:12:51,852 --> 00:12:53,602 ARE YOU KIDDING?! 369 00:12:53,603 --> 00:12:55,203 IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE SLIGHT AND NEAT. 370 00:12:55,195 --> 00:12:56,775 TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT. (scoffs) 371 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,526 (whispers) IT'S "STAR WARS." 372 00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:02,238 OH! YOU GUYS DRESSED AS "STAR WARS" CHARACTERS, 373 00:13:02,242 --> 00:13:04,112 PLAYING WITH YOUR LIGHTSABERS? 374 00:13:04,114 --> 00:13:06,004 COULD YOU JUST GET THE TAPE OUT FOR US? 375 00:13:05,996 --> 00:13:10,166 OH, FINE. GIVE ME A FEW MINUTES. (sighs) 376 00:13:10,170 --> 00:13:12,330 (scoffs) 377 00:13:12,332 --> 00:13:13,872 I'MTHE GAY ONE? 378 00:13:13,874 --> 00:13:15,884 SERIOUSLY, OF THE FOUR OF US, 379 00:13:15,876 --> 00:13:18,716 I PROBABLY HAVE THE MOST EXPERIENCE WITH WOMEN. 380 00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:21,680 RIDICULOUS. 381 00:13:23,723 --> 00:13:25,563 (telephone ringing) 382 00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:28,845 HELLO, LADIES! WHAT'S UP? 383 00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:31,309 LUCY, HONEY, TELL AUNT BRENDA WHAT YOU TOLD ME IN THE CAR. 384 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:35,281 I CAN'T WAIT TO GET A REAL TATTOO. 385 00:13:36,776 --> 00:13:38,026 FIX THIS. 386 00:13:40,861 --> 00:13:42,491 (door opens) 387 00:13:42,492 --> 00:13:44,362 (sighs) 388 00:13:44,364 --> 00:13:46,794 YOUR SEX TAPE DIDN'T MAKE IT. 389 00:13:48,538 --> 00:13:51,248 (groans and whimpers) 390 00:13:51,251 --> 00:13:54,831 (crying) 391 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,174 THIS ISYOURFAULT! 392 00:13:56,166 --> 00:13:58,046 IF YOU HADN'T TRIED 393 00:13:58,048 --> 00:14:00,548 TO FORCE ME TO BE FRIENDS WITH THE SCORPION KING 394 00:14:00,550 --> 00:14:03,260 AND ALL OF HIS STUPID QUESTIONS, 395 00:14:03,263 --> 00:14:04,973 MY TAPE WOULD STILL BE HERE. 396 00:14:04,965 --> 00:14:07,305 I'M SORRY, KENNY. THERE WERE A LOT OF THINGS IN THAT MOVIE 397 00:14:07,307 --> 00:14:08,727 THAT JUST DIDN'T TRACK FOR ME. 398 00:14:08,728 --> 00:14:11,428 YOU WANNA TRACK SOMETHING? TRACK THIS. 399 00:14:11,431 --> 00:14:14,231 IF THIS WERE A TRACK MEET, I'D BE RUNNING... 400 00:14:14,234 --> 00:14:16,984 AWAY FROM ALL OF YOU... 401 00:14:16,977 --> 00:14:17,977 (whispers) ANDI'DCOME IN FIRST. 402 00:14:20,650 --> 00:14:22,400 GOOD DAY! 403 00:14:23,944 --> 00:14:26,124 (slams opens door) 404 00:14:31,661 --> 00:14:34,661 WELL, THE TABLE SEEMS A LITTLE LONG, DOESN'T IT, BOYS? 405 00:14:34,664 --> 00:14:36,214 HENRY VIII COMING? 406 00:14:36,206 --> 00:14:37,546 KENNY SITS THERE. GRANT SITS DOWN THERE. 407 00:14:37,547 --> 00:14:39,167 WE'LL PUT A BIG FLORAL ARRANGEMENT 408 00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:40,379 RIGHT IN THE CENTER. 409 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,090 I TALKED TO KENNY, ALL RIGHT? 410 00:14:42,092 --> 00:14:44,552 HE SAID THAT HE'S READY TO BURY THE HATCHET. 411 00:14:44,554 --> 00:14:46,474 WAIT. DID HE SAY "BURY" OR "BRING"? 412 00:14:46,466 --> 00:14:49,386 BECAUSE THE GUY OWNS, LIKE, 150 HATCHETS. 413 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,809 IT'LL BE FINE. 414 00:14:50,810 --> 00:14:52,060 (door opens) 415 00:14:52,062 --> 00:14:53,472 (Kenny, singsongy) HELLO! 416 00:14:53,473 --> 00:14:55,073 BING-BONG! 417 00:14:55,065 --> 00:14:56,225 (normal voice) HEY, GUYS! 418 00:14:56,226 --> 00:14:58,316 HEY, MAN. (chuckles) HI. 419 00:14:58,318 --> 00:15:01,568 I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT, UH, I INVITED A GUEST OVER TONIGHT. 420 00:15:01,571 --> 00:15:02,821 (door closes) 421 00:15:04,444 --> 00:15:06,294 OH. NO. (sighs) 422 00:15:06,286 --> 00:15:08,366 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 423 00:15:08,368 --> 00:15:11,328 IF YOU GET TO ADD A FRIEND TO OUR GROUP, THEN I GET TO, TOO. 424 00:15:11,331 --> 00:15:13,371 DUDE, YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO LASER TAG. 425 00:15:13,373 --> 00:15:14,833 THIS PLACE SUCKS! 426 00:15:14,834 --> 00:15:16,714 EVERYONE HERE IS OLD. 427 00:15:16,706 --> 00:15:21,496 (laughing) 428 00:15:23,713 --> 00:15:25,723 WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANY CREAM SODA? 429 00:15:25,715 --> 00:15:28,215 NOTHING HERE IS TO DRINK. 430 00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:29,508 (laughing) 431 00:15:29,509 --> 00:15:30,969 (Will) OKAY. AHEM. 432 00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:33,601 WELL, I'M SO GLAD THAT MOST OF YOU ARE HERE, 433 00:15:33,603 --> 00:15:37,273 AND I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST TO FRIENDSHIP. 434 00:15:37,267 --> 00:15:40,437 YES, WE ALSO WANT TO TOAST LUCY, OUR LITTLE DOCTOR. 435 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,270 I DON'T WANT TO BE A DOCTOR ANYMORE. 436 00:15:42,272 --> 00:15:43,522 WHAT? WHY NOT? 437 00:15:43,523 --> 00:15:46,203 YOUR HENNA TATTOO WILL WASH OFF IN A FEW WEEKS, 438 00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:49,446 BUT IF YOU GET A REAL TATTOO AND YOU DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE, 439 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:53,199 THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO GET RID OF IT. 440 00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:56,253 (laser zapping) (crying) 441 00:15:58,168 --> 00:16:01,958 AUNT BRENDA SHOWED ME THAT DOCTORS HURT PEOPLE... 442 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,131 WITHLASERS. 443 00:16:04,134 --> 00:16:05,304 (chuckles) 444 00:16:05,295 --> 00:16:07,345 AT LEAST SHE DOESN'T WANT A TATTOO. 445 00:16:07,347 --> 00:16:11,257 EGGNOG, MAKE THAT PTERODACTYL SOUND YOU MADE IN THE CAR. 446 00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:14,801 (imitates pterodactyl screeching) 447 00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,517 YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT, KENNY? 448 00:16:19,519 --> 00:16:21,399 YOU'RE A CHILD. I'M A CHILD? 449 00:16:21,401 --> 00:16:23,271 HA. YEAH. OKAY. 450 00:16:23,273 --> 00:16:24,443 YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS 451 00:16:24,444 --> 00:16:26,204 WHEN YOU BROUGHT THETAPE BREAKER 452 00:16:26,196 --> 00:16:27,906 INTO OUR FAMILY HERE. (scoffs) I DIDN'T BREAK THE TAPE. 453 00:16:27,907 --> 00:16:29,317 I SIMPLY HAD A QUESTION 454 00:16:29,319 --> 00:16:31,069 ABOUT THE LITTLE BLUE ROBOT BEEP BOOP-BOOP. 455 00:16:31,071 --> 00:16:32,991 I--YOU... (fork clinks and clatters) 456 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,782 OHH. (utensils clatter) 457 00:16:34,784 --> 00:16:38,584 OKAY, HIS NAME IS R2-D2, AND HE'S A DROID, NOT A ROBOT. 458 00:16:38,578 --> 00:16:39,788 OKAY, GUYS. 459 00:16:39,789 --> 00:16:41,709 IS THERE A DIFFERENCE? 460 00:16:41,711 --> 00:16:43,461 YES. A DROID IS A CONSCIOUS MECHANICAL BEING 461 00:16:43,463 --> 00:16:45,763 WITH A SELF-CONTAINED METHOD OFLOCOMOTION! 462 00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:47,335 THAT SOUNDS LIKE A ROBOT TO ME. 463 00:16:47,337 --> 00:16:48,547 WELL YOU SOUND LIKE A JERK-BOT TO ME! 464 00:16:48,548 --> 00:16:50,758 OKAY, THAT'S IT. I'M DONE. 465 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,390 YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING TO GET YOU GUYS TO BE FRIENDS, 466 00:16:52,392 --> 00:16:54,052 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER, 467 00:16:54,054 --> 00:16:56,444 THEN YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO HASH IT OUT LIKE MEN. 468 00:16:56,436 --> 00:16:59,266 FINE. I'M HAPPY TO FIGHT HIM. 469 00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:01,399 GREAT. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. 470 00:17:01,401 --> 00:17:03,771 THIS IS AWESOME! A SUPER LONG TABLEANDA FIGHT! 471 00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:05,453 WILL! KIDS, TO THE DEN. (pounds tabletop) 472 00:17:05,445 --> 00:17:07,275 (Nathan) WHAT? BUT UNCLE KENNY IS ABOUT TO DIE! 473 00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:09,107 NOW! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. 474 00:17:09,109 --> 00:17:11,489 UNCLE KENNY IS NOT GONNA DIE TODAY, LITTLE ONE. COME ON! 475 00:17:11,491 --> 00:17:13,411 WILL, STOP THIS. NO, NO, NO. THEY HAVE TO SETTLE THIS, 476 00:17:13,413 --> 00:17:15,873 AND IF THAT MEANS FIGHTING, SO BE IT. 477 00:17:15,865 --> 00:17:17,785 KENNY, YOU DO NOT WANNA DO THIS. 478 00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,497 OHH,YES, I DO. 479 00:17:19,499 --> 00:17:21,539 (Theresa) KIDS, GO TO THE DEN NOW. 480 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,461 I WON'T FIGHT YOU, KENNY. OH, YEAH? 481 00:17:23,463 --> 00:17:25,513 WELL, YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU BROKE MYTAPE! 482 00:17:25,505 --> 00:17:28,125 OKAY, COUPLE GROUND RULES. 483 00:17:28,128 --> 00:17:31,258 NO BITING, NO GOUGING, 484 00:17:31,261 --> 00:17:32,511 NO BALL PLAY, 485 00:17:32,512 --> 00:17:33,722 AND--WAIT A MINUTE. 486 00:17:33,723 --> 00:17:34,933 OH! (gasps) 487 00:17:34,934 --> 00:17:36,144 (muffled voice) COME ON! (sputters) 488 00:17:36,136 --> 00:17:38,136 UM, GRANT, I THINK YOU'RE KILLING HIM. 489 00:17:38,138 --> 00:17:39,728 I USED TO WORK WITH DISTURBED ANIMALS... 490 00:17:39,729 --> 00:17:42,679 (grunting) MOSTLY AGGRESSIVE DOGS AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE PARROTS. 491 00:17:42,682 --> 00:17:45,402 THE BEST THING TO DO WHEN THEY BECAUSE OVERSTIMULATED 492 00:17:45,395 --> 00:17:47,685 IS TO SUBDUE THEM UNTIL THEIR RAGE DISSIPATES. 493 00:17:47,687 --> 00:17:49,397 (groans) 494 00:17:49,399 --> 00:17:52,399 PLEASE LET ME GO. MY RAGE HAS DISSIPATED. 495 00:17:52,402 --> 00:17:54,492 NO, IT HASN'T. YOU'RE FAKING IT. 496 00:17:56,656 --> 00:17:57,956 SON OF A-- (grunts) 497 00:17:57,957 --> 00:17:59,367 (grunting) 498 00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:02,579 (whines) 499 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,372 SHH. SHH. OH! 500 00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:06,214 MM. 501 00:18:06,206 --> 00:18:08,166 (whispers) OKAY. 502 00:18:08,168 --> 00:18:09,878 (normal voice) I'M CALM NOW. 503 00:18:11,381 --> 00:18:13,421 GOOD BOY. 504 00:18:13,423 --> 00:18:15,813 (breathing heavily) 505 00:18:15,805 --> 00:18:17,885 I'M SORRY! 506 00:18:17,887 --> 00:18:19,017 OKAY? 507 00:18:19,018 --> 00:18:20,558 SORRY. 508 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,980 IT'S JUST THAT ME AND CRAIG AND WILL, 509 00:18:22,982 --> 00:18:25,942 WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE MR. WATRELL'S SHOP CLASS. 510 00:18:25,935 --> 00:18:28,435 AND NOWHE'SHERE, 511 00:18:28,438 --> 00:18:30,438 AND YOU GOT PEOPLE TO GO ON YOUR DOUBLE DATES WITH 512 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,400 AND TO BRING TO YOUR FAMILY DINNERS AND... 513 00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:34,693 I-I GOT WORRIED. 514 00:18:36,196 --> 00:18:37,406 JUST FORGET IT. 515 00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:43,580 (coughs) WUSSY! 516 00:18:43,583 --> 00:18:47,213 KENNY, KENNY, NOBODY'S TRYING TO REPLACE YOU. 517 00:18:47,207 --> 00:18:48,627 IT'S JUST THAT I-- 518 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,008 GRANT'S A GOOD GUY, 519 00:18:50,009 --> 00:18:52,089 AND--AND HE'S GONNA BE AROUND NOW. 520 00:18:52,091 --> 00:18:55,971 SO, YOU KNOW, YOU ARE ALWAYS GONNA BE MY BEST FRIEND. 521 00:18:55,965 --> 00:18:58,255 WILL, YOU SAID THAT-- 522 00:18:58,258 --> 00:18:59,518 CRAIG. 523 00:18:59,519 --> 00:19:02,099 I GET IT. MAKING A POINT. 524 00:19:02,101 --> 00:19:04,221 YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, TOO, KENNY. 525 00:19:04,224 --> 00:19:05,654 (mouths words) 526 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,605 (whispers) RIGHT. 527 00:19:07,607 --> 00:19:10,647 I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR "STAR WAR" TAPE, KENNY. 528 00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:15,541 IT'S "STARWARS."PLURAL. 529 00:19:15,535 --> 00:19:18,615 AND IT'S FINE. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. 530 00:19:18,618 --> 00:19:20,778 IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'D LIKE TO BUY YOU ANOTHER TAPE. 531 00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:23,990 W--Y-- (laughs) YOU CAN'T JUST BUY SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 532 00:19:23,993 --> 00:19:26,173 THAT'S A FIRST EDITION BETAMAX. 533 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,585 YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE WOULD DO FOR THAT? 534 00:19:27,587 --> 00:19:31,707 THEY'D STEAL, THEY'D CHEAT, THEY'D... 535 00:19:31,711 --> 00:19:34,841 THEY WOULD LIE AND SAY THAT YOUR VCR ATE IT. 536 00:19:34,844 --> 00:19:37,604 THAT OLD MAN NEVER DID GIVE US THAT TAPE BACK. 537 00:19:37,597 --> 00:19:39,177 LET'S RIDE! 538 00:19:41,140 --> 00:19:42,510 LET ME GO! AAH! 539 00:19:42,512 --> 00:19:44,602 NOT UNTIL YOU'RE CALM. (grunts) 540 00:19:44,604 --> 00:19:45,574 (groans) 541 00:19:45,565 --> 00:19:47,645 AHH. (pants) 542 00:19:47,647 --> 00:19:49,267 THAT TAPE IS UNDER THE COUNTER. 543 00:19:49,269 --> 00:19:50,519 AH, HA HA! 544 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,570 GOOD BOY. 545 00:19:52,572 --> 00:19:54,482 (sighs) 546 00:19:55,775 --> 00:19:57,615 F.Y.I., MISTER. 547 00:19:57,617 --> 00:19:59,987 I'VE HAD SEXUAL CONTACT WITH OVER 34 FEMALES, 548 00:19:59,989 --> 00:20:01,739 I ALMOST APPLIED TO THE AIR FORCE ACADEMY, 549 00:20:01,741 --> 00:20:04,661 AND I ONCE RODE ON THE BACK OF MY UNCLE DON'S HARLEY. 550 00:20:04,664 --> 00:20:06,464 DOES THAT SOUND GAY TO YOU? 551 00:20:08,628 --> 00:20:10,088 DIDN'T THINK SO. 552 00:20:11,671 --> 00:20:13,251 LET'S HIT IT. 553 00:20:15,595 --> 00:20:18,795 ♪♪♪ 554 00:20:21,551 --> 00:20:23,551 (thud, clatter) 555 00:20:37,116 --> 00:20:38,316 IN THE YEAR 2000, 556 00:20:38,318 --> 00:20:39,618 MIDDLE-AGED DIRECTOR RAJA GOSNELL 557 00:20:39,619 --> 00:20:41,029 HAD A BOLD VISION 558 00:20:41,030 --> 00:20:42,620 OF AN OVERWEIGHT MOMMA WHO HAD A HOUSE. 559 00:20:42,622 --> 00:20:45,712 TODAY I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THAT VISION-- 560 00:20:45,705 --> 00:20:48,745 "BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE," THE WAY IT WAS MEANT TO BE SEEN-- 561 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:53,628 ON BASIC CABLE WITH MANY COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS. 562 00:20:53,633 --> 00:20:55,553 (Craig, Kenny, and Will laughing) 563 00:20:55,545 --> 00:20:56,965 OH, WATCH THIS. WATCH THIS. 564 00:20:56,966 --> 00:20:58,716 NOW SHE HAS TO PRETEND SHE'S A MIDWIFE. 565 00:20:58,718 --> 00:21:00,008 (both laugh) 566 00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:01,839 CAN YOU BELIEVE THE LUCK BIG MOMMA'S HAVING? 567 00:21:01,841 --> 00:21:04,011 I'M SORRY, 568 00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:05,353 ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT THIS INTELLIGENT YOUNG WOMAN IS 569 00:21:05,345 --> 00:21:07,845 COMPLETELY UNAWARE THAT THE MAN SHE'S FALLING IN LOVE WITH 570 00:21:07,847 --> 00:21:11,267 IS ALSO HER OBESE, BASKETBALL-DUNKING GRANDMOTHER? 571 00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,650 DON'T GET HUNG UP ON PLOT. 572 00:21:12,652 --> 00:21:17,362 JUST ENJOY THE GIGANTIC FAKE BOOBS GETTING CAUGHT IN STUFF. 573 00:21:17,357 --> 00:21:18,777 (laughs) 574 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:20,448 OH, BIG MOMMA, YOU CRAZY! 575 00:21:20,450 --> 00:21:22,320 I REALLY WANNA BOND WITH YOU, BUT SERIOUSLY, FELLAS, 576 00:21:22,322 --> 00:21:23,702 WHAT'S THE LAST BOOK YOU ALL READ? 577 00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:28,366 (inhales sharply) 40519

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