Original subtitles

(gunfire) (man, filtered voice) Rogue 7-1-9,

we got three bogeys in an S.U.V. I need an R.P.G. A.S.A.P. Copy?

(engine roars) ROGUE 7-1-9, DO YOU COPY?

(man) You like frag grenades, you little bitch?

KENNY, FOCUS!

THIS FRENCH KID KEEPS CALLING ME NAMES.

Craig, how do you say "Your mother" in French?

WELL, IT DEPENDS ON THE CONTEXT.

CRAIG.

OH, UM,VOTRE MERE.

VOTRE MERE, YOU LITTLE BAGUETTE! (laughs)

(gunfire continues) OKAY, I GOT THEIR FLAG. KENNY, GRAB THE SNIPER RIFLE

AND COVER ME FROM THE WATER TOWER.

If these guys light me up, you gotta pick up the flag.

ROGER.

CRAIG, PROTECT THE BASE! GOT IT.

I'M RUNNING! YOU ARE RUNNING.

I'M RUNNING! I AM KILLING.

LOOK OUT! ON THE LEFT! ON THE LEFT! WATCH MY FLANK!

GO, WILL. GO, GO, GO, GO! GO, GO, GO.

YES! YES! GO, GO, GO!

YES! YES! AAH!

YES! WHO'S THE MAN?!

YOU'RE... THE... MAN! YOU ARE DEFINITELY THE MAN.

I AM THE MAN! I'M THEMAN!

(gunfire continues) (woman) WILL! THE KIDS ARE SLEEPING!

SORRY, HONEY.

(gunfire continues, shots ricochet)

(whispers) I'M THE MAN!

(whispers) YEAH, YOU ARE! (whispers) ARE YOU IN TROUBLE?

♪♪♪

MM. Hey, Will,

HOW DID YOU GET THERESA TO BE COOL WITH YOU PLAYING TONIGHT?

I JUST ASKED HER IN THE RIGHT WAY.

YOU WANNA HAVE SEX?

GETTING GAME TIME'S EASY.

IT'S NATHAN'S BIRTHDAY GIFT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT.

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU GET A KID TURNING 13

THAT SAYS, "I'M A MAN"?

HOW ABOUT A COUPLE OF HOOKERS?

OOH! OR A TRASH BAG FULL OF CHICKEN WINGS?

GET HIM A JOURNAL.

A JOURNAL? A JOURNAL.

YEAH, UH, 13 CAN BE A VERY CONFUSING AGE.

A JOURNAL IS A GREAT PLACE TO PUT ALL YOUR THOUGHTS

AND DREAMS AND POETRY AND--

YOU KNOW, ANOTHER GOOD PLACE TO PUT ALL THOSE THINGS

IS IN YOUR UTERUS.

(gunfire)

YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. I DON'T CARE.

GET HIM A TRASH BAG FULL OF HOOKERS.

CRAIG,WHAT'S WRONG?

I SAW LISA TODAY.

AND I'M GETTING MARRIED THIS SATURDAY,

AND I JUST FELT LIKE I HAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

REMEMBER SOPHOMORE YEAR

WHEN YOU WOULD COME TO MY DORM WITH YOUR GUITAR

AND SING "BROWN EYED GIRL"?

YOU HAD THAT BEARD, THAT SEXY BEARD.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? THAT WAS A CRY FOR HELP, YES?

Right?

YEAH, IT WAS A CRY FOR HELP.

NO! THAT GIRL IS A NUT, CRAIG, AND I KNOW ABOUT NUTTY GIRLS.

I USED TO BE MARRIED TO ONE.

YEAH, SPEAKING OF NUTTY GIRLS YOU USED TO BE MARRIED TO,

BRENDA IS GONNA BE AT NATHAN'S PARTY ON SATURDAY.

WHAT?!

NO. NO WAY.

(sets down controller)

(beep)

(telephone rings)

TELL MY SISTER TO PICK UP THE PHONE. (ring

THERESA, IT'S KENNY!

(ring) (Theresa) TELL HIM I'M SLEEPING.

TELL HER I CAN HEAR HER.

I FEEL LIKE LISA WANTS ME TO REACH OUT TO HER.

FINE. I'LL JUST CALL HER CELL. (beep)

YEAH, I'LL CALL HER CELL.

GUYS, COME ON. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE COVERING ME.

(gunfire) Guys, my flank! My--man down!

Man down! HI, LISA. UM...

(man screams) THANK YOU.

IF YOU DON'T WANNA CALL ME BACK, DON'T CALL ME BACK.

BUT IF YOU DO WANNA CALL ME BACK, THEN DO CALL ME BACK.

NATHAN, COME DOWNSTAIRS, PLEASE!

HONEY, WILL YOU OPEN THIS FOR ME?

YEAH.

OOH.

THIS IS A JOB... (click)

FOR THE OLD MOHASKA! OLD MOHASKA!

HERE WE GO.

(gasps)

"ASSAULT OF THE DEAD TWO"! THAT'S AWESOME! THANKS. MWAH.

IT'S NOT FOR YOU. IT'S FOR NATHAN'S BIRTHDAY.

BUT THIS VIDEO GAME IS VIOLENT AND SCARY.

YEAH.

IT SAYS RIGHT HERE ON THE BOX-- "AGES 17 AND OLDER."

OH, REALLY?

THIS WOULD'VE BEEN A GREAT THING FOR ME TO GET HIM.

SO PUT BOTH OF OUR NAMES ON IT.

NO, NO. I NEED TO GET HIM SOMETHING JUST FROM ME.

FATHER TO SON.

SOMETHING THAT SAYS, "I KNOW YOU'RE A MAN NOW

BECAUSE I, TOO, AM A MAN."

UGH. WE NEED MORE HAZELNUT CREAMER.

AND NEXT TIME, CAN YOU GET THE NONDAIRY STUFF?

I'M SORRY, HONEY,

BUT YOUR GRANDFATHER FOUGHT IN WORLD WAR II,

YOUR FATHER FOUGHT IN VIETNAM,

BUT YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES AND USE POMEGRANATE BODY WASH.

ARE YOU SAYING I'M NOT A MAN?

YOU ARE MAN... ISH?

NO, "MANNISH" IS WHAT YOUR COUSIN STACEY IS.

I AMALLMAN,

AND IT IS MY JOB AS HIS FATHER TO MAKE NATHAN A MAN.

DAD! GUESS WHAT.

SAMANTHA GUNNER JUST CALLED, AND SHE SAID THAT SHE'S...

(high-pitched singsong voice) COMING TO MY PARTY TOMORROW!

IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS. MM-HMM.

(normal voice) THAT GIRL IS A FIRECRACKER, DAD.

WHAT DO I DO?

LOOK...

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BOUNCE HOUSE AT THE PARTY--

YOU KNOW, FOR LUCY'S FRIENDS.

A BOUNCE HOUSE IS LIKE A 12-YEAR-OLD'S BACHELOR PAD--

EVERYTHING'S SOFT, THE LIGHTING'S EXOTIC.

RIGHT. MM.

HEY! (closes door)

BRENDA CAN'T COME TO NATHAN'S PARTY TOMORROW.

OKAY, T.? WE'RE DIVORCED.

I KNOW YOU'RE DIVORCED,

BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT LIKE AN ADULT.

SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND. YEAH, WELL, UM, I'M YOUR BROTHER,

AND BRENDA CAN'T COME TO THE--

(Will) HEY! DA DA DA DA! USE THE SUBSTITUTE, PLEASE.

WHAT? I KNOW THE RULES.

I WAS GONNA SAY "FLUFFIN'."

CAN'T COME TO THE FLUFFIN' PARTY.

BRENDA IS NO LONGER A PART OF THIS FAMILY.

(singsongy) HELLO!

(Lucy) AUNT BRENDA!

(normal voice) HI, EVERYBODY.

AND KENNY.

BRENDA, LISTEN.

TOMORROW IS NATHAN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY,

AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SET SOME BOUNDARIES.

I AGREE. YOU SHOULDN'T BE THERE.

(chuckles) VERYFUNNY.

SO TOMORROW AT THE PARTY-- THE ONE I'M COMING TO?

NO. TOMORROW-- WHEN I COME TO THE PARTY?

NO, YOU'RE NOT-- GONNA MISS THAT PARTY?

UGH!

IT IS SO CUTE THE WAY YOU TWO FINISH EACH OTHER'S SENTENCES.

KENNY, CAN I HAVE A MINUTE?

(mutters)

(Will) AHEM. (Kenny groans)

(sighs)

I SWEAR, WILL, SHE'S JUST DOING THIS TO GET ARISEOUT OF ME.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S WORKING.

IF YOU FREAK OUT, SHE WINS.

I MEAN, YOU GOTTA PLAY IT COOL, MAN.

I MEAN, JUST THINK OF THE COOLEST GUY YOU CAN THINK OF

AND ACT LIKE HIM.

LIKE, WHO'S THE COOLEST GUY IN THE WORLD?

TOBEY MAGUIRE.

UH--UH, YEAH. UH, ALL RIGHT. OKAY. SURE. FINE.

TOBEY MAGUIRE.

SO JUST ASK YOURSELF, "WHAT WOULD TOBEY MAGUIRE DO?"

RIGHT.

W.W.T.M.D.?

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

GOOD.

(laughs)

HEY, B.

IT'S TOTALLY COOL. YOU CAN COME TO THE PARTY.

I'M BRINGING A DATE.

WHAT?!NO!

ABSOLUTELY NOT. THAT'S IT.

WILL, YOU'RE THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE.

YOU TELL HER SHE CANNOT COME TO THIS PARTY.

(sighs) OKAY. BRENDA...

UH, THE PARTY STARTS AT 2:00, AND DRESS IS CASUAL.

THIS IS TOTALLY FLUFFED UP.

(telephone ringing in distance)

(knocks on door)

MM. JEEZ. I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BOSS.

WHAT, YOU LOOKING AT PORN?

NO, I WAS LOOKING FOR A GIFT FOR NATHAN.

SO FAR, ALL I FOUND ARE A SHOTGUN, A RUBBER RAFT,

SOME GUY ON craigslist WHO'S SELLING AN ALLIGATOR.

MAN, YOU GET HIM ANY OF THOSE THINGS AND A BEER,

HE'LL BE VERY HAPPY.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I FINISHED MY ROUTE EARLY. LET'S GO GET LUNCH.

IT'S 10:15.

NORMALLY, I WORK A LOT LONGER,

BUT THIS NEW PRODUCT, FLAXIDORAL...

(thud) NOT A BIG HIT.

WHAT DOES IT DO?

FLAXIDORAL PROVIDES RELIEF

FOR BACTERIAL INFECTIONS OF THE SKIN AND SOFT TISSUE.

SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE PANIC ATTACKS, LOOSE STOOL,

NO STOOL.

IT'S ALWAYS STOOL, ISN'T IT?

HEY.

♪ BLITZCRAIG! ♪

IT'S THE ROBERTSON CLAIM. MM.

MR. ROSS SAYS WE'RE NOT PAYING IT.

IN FACT, WE'RE NOT PAYING ANYTHING TODAY.

THERE WAS A MEMO.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS. THEY CANCELED--

WAIT. THERE'S MORE.

LISA DIDN'T CALL ME BACK LAST NIGHT.

SO... I'M GUESSING YOU CALLED...

MM.

SIX TIMES?

ONCE... AT FIRST.

AND THEN ONCE AGAIN, SO TWICE.

(mouths word)

AT FIRST, AND THEN WELL,

YEAH, SIX--SIX TIMES. (Kenny and Will) SIX TIMES.

(sighs deeply)

WHOA, MISTER.

YOU GROWING A BEARD?

NO, I FORGOT TO SHAVE.

DIDN'T LISA USED TO LIKE YOU WITH A LITTLE...

WHO KNOWS? I DON'T KNOW? WHAT IF SHE DID?

IT'S NOT WHY I'M DOING IT.

NO. NO, I WON'T HAVE THIS.

A BEARD ISMYTHING. YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

I MUST INSIST THAT YOU SHAVE IT.

(scoffs) I'M SORRY, KENNY,

BUT A PERSON CANNOT OWN A BEARD. YOU SHAVE IT!

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT!

I GOT IT, THE PERFECT GIFT FOR NATHAN.

YOU GOING WITH THE ALLIGATOR?

I THOUGHT WE WERE GRABBING LUNCH.

DO YOU GUYS WEAR WATCHES? IT'S 10:15.

SO COME ON. TELL ME WHAT YOU GOT HIM. IS IT A TRAMPOLINE?

(scoffs) A TRAMPOLINE? WE'LL BE LUCKY

IF HE DOESN'T BREAK HIS LEG IN THE BOUNCE HOUSE.

OOH! IS IT THOSE MARACAS HE'S BEEN WANTING?

YEAH, BECAUSE, UH, NOTHING SAYS "MAN" LIKE MARACAS.

AND THEN SHE STARTED REMINISCING

ABOUT HOW I USED TO SING "BROWN EYED GIRL"

IN HER DORM ROOM.

OHH. I LOVE THAT SONG.

SHE'S GETTING MARRIEDTODAY,

AND I DON'T THINK SHE REALLY WANTS TO.

THAT'S WHY SHE NEEDED TO SEE ME.

MM. SO DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO SOMETHING?

SHE WANTS ME TO DO SOMETHING, RIGHT? I SHOULD DO SOMETHING.

I SHOULD REACH OUT AND I SHOULD DO SOMETHING.

NO, CRAIG, I TOLD YOU.

SHE'S JUST FEELING NOSTALGIC. THAT'S ALL.

OH, I TOTALLY DISAGREE. SHE WANTS YOU YOU COME AFTER HER.

YOU THINK? (Will, Theresa, and Kenny) NO!

YOU NUT BAG. TOTALLY, CRAIG.

I MEAN, THIS GIRL IS YOUR SOUL MATE.

YOU CAN'T LET HER GET AWAY.

I MEAN, ONCE YOU REALIZE THAT SOMEONE IS YOUR SOUL MATE,

IT'S FOREVER.

(scoffs)

YOU SAIDIWAS YOUR SOUL MATE.

MYSOUL MATE WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE,

AND HE'S BRINGING LEMON BARS.

OKAY.

I CAN'T PROMISE THAT THIS LITTLE BIRTHDAY PARTY

ISN'T GONNA TURN INTO AN ALL-OUT BLOODBATH!

WAIT. HEY, HEY, HEY. W.W.T.M.D.

RIGHT. OKAY?

YOU'RE IN CHARGE.

YES. (sighs) THANK YOU. I'M IN CHARGE. RIGHT.

THIS GUY'S JUST SOME LOSER. HE'S NO THREAT TO ME.

YEAH. HE'S NOBODY. HE'S NOTHING.

HE'S... AN UNDERWEAR MODEL.

HI, FOLKS.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

BREND HAS TOLD ME SO MUCH ABOUT ALL OF YOU.

YOU MUST BE THERESA.

OH. (giggles) OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

THERE'S THE BIRTHDAY BOY!

THANKS!

YOU MUST BE WILL, MAN OF THE HOUSE.

IT'S A PLEASURE. HELLO.

AND YOU MUST BE KEN.

THERE'S NO NEED FOR THIS TO BE AWKWARD FOR US.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I RESPECT YOU.

YOU AND BREND ARE CONNECTED. I GET THAT.

SO IF WE NEED TO CLEAR THE AIR, THEN I SAY LET'S DO IT.

AND THEN... LET'S GROW TO BE CLOSE FRIENDS.

WHATEVER, DUDE. (sighs)

(children laughing)

GOOD JOB.

YOU'RE HANDLING THIS WELL.

OF COURSE I AM. I'M AN ADULT.

AH! (groans)

THAT'S GOOD. I JUST THOUGHT YOU'D BE INTIMIDATED

BECAUSE HE'S SO TALL AND HANDSOME.

OH, HE'S GOOD AT BASKETBALL. I'M GOOD AT BASKETBALL.

HE'S BETTER.

OHH! (chuckles)

GRANT!

THROW ME THE PILL.

LITTLE ONE-ON-ONE. MM!

OH, I'M SORRY. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

BEAT IT.

WE'LL GO WITH SHIRTS AND SKINS.

THAT WAY, THERE'S NO CONFUSION ABOUT WHO'S ON WHAT TEAM.

(Kenny) THAT WAS A FOUL. I'M NOT GONNA CALL IT...

YOU'RE RIDICULOUS, YOU KNOW THAT?

'CAUSE I'M COOL LIKE THAT. WHAT? WHAT AM I DOING?

B., I HAVE KNOWN YOU SINCE THE NINTH GRADE,

AND EVEN THEN YOU WERE PLAYING THESE STUPID GAMES,

TRYING TO MAKE MY BROTHER CRAZY.

OH, THERESA. (Kenny) IT'S ME.

NO, GRANT'S A PART OF MY LIFE NOW. (ball hits backboard)

THIS ISN'T ABOUT MAKING KENNY JEALOUS.

IT'S ABOUT ME MOVING ON

AND FINDING A FUTURE WITH THIS GUY.

(panting) THAT'S TRAVELING, AND ALSO YOU HURT ME.

REALLY?

WHAT'S HIS LAST NAME?

PLEASE.

DOES HE EVEN NEED ONE?

THAT'S NOT FAIR. HE'S CHEATING. I'M OUTTA HERE.

KENNY? KENNY! WHERE YOU GOING?

AND PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON!

IS IT A SLINGSHOT? NOPE.

IS IT A CHEMISTRY SET? YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GUESS.

IT'S SOMETHING THAT ONLY A FATHER WOULD GIVE HIS SON,

SOMETHING THAT ONLY I WOULD GIVE NATHAN.

DAD, GRANT GAVE ME A SHAVING KIT!

IS IT A SHAVING KIT?

A SHAVING KIT.

WHO GIVES A SHAVING KIT TO A KID HE'S NEVER MET?

A TOUCHY-FEELY JACKASS, THAT'S WHO.

OKAY, WE'RE GONNA HIT THE MALL. KENNY, I NEED YOU IN DVDs.

LOOK FOR CLASSICS,

ANYTHING THAT SPEAKS TO A BOY'S TRANSITION TO MANHOOD.

NOTHING WITH BRENDAN FRASER.

DUH.

CRAIG, YOU AND I WILL HIT, UH, MUSIC, GADGETS.

(crying)

(turns off engine)

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I CAN'T TAKE IT. I NEED CLOSURE.

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

CLOSURE! I NEED CLOSURE!

YOU NEED TO CLOSURE VAGINA.

(panting)

IS THAT LISA'S CHURCH?

I NEED TO SEE HER. OH, MY GOD.

OKAY, IF I JUST SEE HER GETTING MARRIED,

THEN MAYBE I WILL HAVE CLOSURE.

CRAIG, IF I'M NOT HOME TO CUT THE CAKE IN 30 MINUTES,

THERESA'S GONNA KILL ME.

I KNOW. IT'LL TAKE TWO SECONDS. I-I JUST--I NEED TO SEE HER.

OKAY, FINE. GO. GO. JUST... GO. GET YOUR--YOUR CLOSURE.

(sighs)

WHAT KIND OF A CAKE ARE WE HAVING?

IT'S FOR THE KIDS, KENNY.

OKAY.

OH, FLUFF ME! HE'S GOT HIS GUITAR!

(tuning guitar)

(man) AND AS THESE TWO HEARTS WANDER THROUGH THIS WORLD,

MAY THEY EACH FIND THE COMFORT OF GOD'S ETERNAL LOVE.

(strums chord)

♪ HEY, WHERE DID WE GO ♪

♪ DAYS WHEN THE RAINS CAME? ♪

♪ DOWN IN THE HOLLOW ♪

♪ PLAYING A NEW GAME ♪

♪ LAUGHIN' AND A-RUNNIN', HEY, HEY ♪

♪ SKIPPIN' AND A-JUMPIN' ♪

♪ IN THE MISTY MORNIN' FOG ♪

♪ WITH OUR HEARTS THUMPIN' ♪

♪ AND YOU ♪

♪ MY BROWN EYED GIRL ♪

♪ YOU MY ♪

♪ BROWN EYED GIRL ♪

(Van Morrison) ♪ DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN ♪

(Will) GO! GO, GO! GO, GO, GO!

COME ON.

HOW DID I SOUND? COME ON!

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA TI DA ♪

♪ JUST LIKE THAT ♪

♪ SHA-LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA TI DA ♪

GO! COME ON!

AAH!

(Kenny groans) COME ON! (panting) WILL? WILL, THE DOORS. CAN'T OPEN.

WILL, OPEN THE DOORS! AAH!

GO, GO, GO, GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! (starts engine, tires peal)

YOU'RE DEAD!

♪ SHA-LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-- ♪

KENNY! KENNY!

CATCHY TUNE.

THAT ACTUALLY JUST HAPPENED.

YOU ACTUALLY JUST CRASHED THAT WEDDING WITH A GUITAR.

I MEAN, WHO DOES THAT?

BRENDA SAID LISA WANTED ME TO STOP IT!

OH, YOU LISTEN TO BRENDA?

WELL, NEED I REMIND YOU, THIS IS A WOMAN WHO MARRIED KENNY.

♪ SHA-LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA, DA DOO-- ♪

(voice breaks) I LOVE HER, WILL. I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LOVES HER?

THE GUY FOLLOWING US

IN THE BLACK LIMOUSINE WITH THE CANS TIED TO IT.

OH! OH, MY GOD!

PILATES CHANGED MY LIFE, LADIES.

I SLEEP BETTER, I HAVE MORE ENERGY AT THE OFFICE...

AND IN THE BEDROOM.

(laughs) NO, I'M KIDDING.

OR AM I?

(tires screech)

(Will) OKAY, EVERYBODY!

WE'RE GONNA CUT THE CAKE, SO LET'S GET IN THE HOUSE.

WE GOT A SITUATION OVER HERE!

NO, NO, NO. THERE'S NO SITUATION.

WE JUST NEED EVERYBODY IN THE HOUSE. EVERYONE...

DAD, DAD. GO IN THE HOUSE.

SAMANTHA NEEDS THIS TAG CUT OFF HER CAP.

USE THE OLD MOHASKA.

THAT'S MY DAD'S KNIFE. (click)

THANKS, MR. KEEN.

(click)

SO NATHAN TELLS ME YOU SELL INSURANCE.

UH, YES, I DO. I DO.

BUT RIGHT NOW WE'RE GONNA GO IN THE HOUSE. OKAY. OH, OKAY.

YEAH.

HONEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

NOTHING. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

(brakes screech, crash)

OKAY, LET'S CUT THE CAKE.

(sighs) WHAT...

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

THEY... IT'S ALL RIGHT.

(glass shatters)

BRING OUT THE BROWN EYED GIRL!

THIS IS BAD.

NO, THIS VERY BAD.

CAN YOU SEE IF HE'S WEARING A WEDDING RING?

'CAUSE IF HE'S NOT, LISA'S STILL SINGLE.

THIS IS EXCITING.

ARE YOU INSANE?

WILL, SWEETHEART, WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW?

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW.

CRAIG, GO OUT AND GIVE YOURSELF UP.

UH, NO, THANK YOU, KENNY. I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

(dialing) DAD?

UM, HELLO. WE HAVE A BIT OF A SITUATION HERE.

MY-- NO.

(cell phone clatters) WE'RE NOT CALLING THE POLICE.

YOU THINK OUR FATHERS WOULD'VE CALLED THE POLICE?

NO. THEY WOULD BE OUT ON THE LAWN RIGHT NOW.

THEY WOULDN'T BE SINGING IN CHURCHES

OR--OR SEARCHING FOR SPECIAL BIRTHDAY GIFTS.

THEY WERE MEN,REALMEN--

NOT THE OVER-EVOLVED GENERATION OF PANTYWAISTS

THAT WE'VE BECOME.

IT'S TIME TO MAN UP!

CRAIG?

IF I HAVE TO FIGHT FOR LISA, I'LL FIGHT FOR LISA.

GOOD. KENNY?

I AM TOBEY FLUFFIN' MAGUIRE.

WHAT?

OKAY, CRAIG, STAY ON THE PORCH, KEEP AN EYE ON THE LIMO.

KENNY, GO THROUGH THE GARAGE, GET NATHAN'S HOCKEY STICK,

AND COVER MY FLANK ON THE DRIVEWAY.

AYE, AYE, SKIPPER. GOOD.

WHAT DO I DO, WILL?

NO. NO! WILL, HE IS NOT ON THIS TEAM.

KENNY, IS THIS ABOUT THE BASKETBALL GAME?

JUST STAY ON THE PORCH WITH CRAIG.

DON'T WORRY.

I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING COOL.

NO, NO, GRANT, DON'T DO ANYTHING. I GET IT.

NO, DON'T "GET" ANYTHING. THERE'S NOTHING TO GET.

(whispers) GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, FELLAS.

(wind whistles, bird cries)

MIND PUTTING UP THE FLAG ON THE MAILBOX?

I GOT A LETTER GOING OUT.

WE WANT HIM.

YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM.

HOCKEY STICK. HOCKEY STICK.

HOCKEY STICK. HOCKEY--

HOW DO THEY FIND ANYTHING IN THIS MESS?!

LOOK, UH,

YOU GUYS--YOU GUYS DON'T WANNA DO THIS, ALL RIGHT?

(bird cries)

(slapping pogo stick)

YOU NEED TO CLEAN YOUR GARAGE.

HE RUINED MY WEDDING, AND WE'RE GONNA KICK HIS ASS!

CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT.

BARRACUDA!

UHH! OH!

OH!

(Grant grunting, punches landing)

DUDE! (Craig and Kenny laugh)

THAT WAS INTENSE.

DUDE, YOU WERE LIKE A JEDI KNIGHT...

WITH A POGO STICK.

AND YOU WERE FREAKING EVERYBODY OUT WITH THAT NEW BEARD.

(laughs)

I'M GONNA SHAVE IT.

DAMN STRAIGHT.

OUR FATHERS WOULD BE PROUD.

TOBEY MAGUIRE WOULD BE PROUD.

WELL, I'LL REMIND YOU GUYS THAT GRANT WAS THE ONLY ONE

WHO ACTUALLY GOT INTO A FIGHT TONIGHT.

THAT'S WHY HE WAS THE ONLY ONE ARRESTED

WHEN THE COPS SHOWED UP.

UH, NO. UH, GRANT WAS ARRESTED BECAUSE HE LOST HIS COOL.

MM-HMM. WE WERE ROCK STEADY.

YO, ROCK STEADY, GRAB YOUR KEYS. WE'RE GOIN'.

YES, MILADY, IWILLTAKE YOU HOME.

(singsongy) HELLO!

(laughs) OH, NO, MY LIEGE.

YOU'RE TAKING ME TO THE POLICE STATION

TO BAIL OUT GRANT.

WHAT?!NO. NO WAY.

AND BRING YOUR A.T.M. CARD. WE NEED BAIL MONEY.

FINE! BUT I'M NOT TAKING OUT ANY MORE THAN $300! (door opens)

(door closes)

YOU THINK LISA MIGHT BE UPSET ABOUT WHAT I DID TODAY?

YOU MEAN THAT YOU DESTROYED HER WEDDING,

RUINED THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF HER LIFE,

AND EMBARRASSED HER IN FRONT OF EVERYONE SHE LOVES?

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

HONEY, LISTEN--

I KNOW, I KNOW.

I SHOULD CALL HER.

(chuckles)

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD BIRTHDAY?

IT WASTHEBEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

THE PARTY, THE FIGHT...

GUESS WHAT.

I KISSED SAMANTHA IN THE BOUNCE HOUSE.

THAT'S GREAT.

LOOK, UM, ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY GIFT...

I WANTED TO GET YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL.

OH, YEAH. I KNOW. MOM GAVE IT TO ME, AND I LOVE IT.

I MEAN, I KNOW IT'S VIOLENT AND SCARY,

BUT I THINK I'M OLD ENOUGH FOR IT NOW.

(speaks indistinctly)

(sighs)

I THINK YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH FOR SOMETHING ELSE NOW, TOO.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? THE OLD MOHASKA?

EVERY MAN SHOULD HAVE ONE.

THANKS, DAD!

(chuckles)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NATE.

OH, I KNOW. I'M A FANTASTIC FATHER.

IT WAS THE PERFECT GIFT.

YOU JUST GAVE A 13-YEAR-OLD BOY A RAZOR-SHARP KNIFE.

THERESA, MY FATHER GAVE ME THAT KNIFE WHEN I WAS NATHAN'S AGE.

I'VE HAD IT FOR 20 YEARS, AND I HAVE NEVER EVEN HAD--

(Nathan) OW!

MOMMY! I'M BLEEDING!

UN-FLUFFIN'-BELIEVABLE.

(gunfire) MAN, GRANT REALLY TOOK IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL

WITH THAT BARRACUDA THING. (laughs)

Apparently, the key to summoning up your courage

IS YELLING OUT THE NAME OF SOME RANDOM FISH.

ORANGE ROUGHY!

MAHIMAHI!

MACKEREL!

STURGEON!

COME ON, CRAIG. GET IN ON THIS WASTE OF TIME.

NAH, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

CRAIG. COME ON.

Come on, say a fish.

CRAIG, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

JUST SAY A FISH. You know you want to, Craig!

Come on, Craig! Say a fish.

COME ON, CRAIG! THAT'S AN ORDER! You know you want to. Name a fish.

Do it!

DOLPHIN!

YEAH! Yeah!

(laughs)

DOLPHIN'S NOT A FISH.

IT'S A MAMMAL. YOU LOSE.