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[turn signal]

- Mm, crispy.

- When are you gonna leave us

and get a real job?

[cartoons on TV]

- This is the third
time this week.

Goodnight Mary.

- Goodnight.

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

- Mary?

- Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm dropping off the kids.

- Oh my god, are
these your kids?

- They're not my
kids, I'm their nanny.

- Oh, cute.

God what a small world, ah!

Oh this isn't my house,
this is my sister's,

I'm just here visiting
my niece and nephew.

Practicing.

Can you believe it, got married!

Last year in Hawaii, ah!

I was like one of
the last ones left,

I felt like such a spinster.

Are you married?

- No.

- My mom, she told
me what happened

to your grandmother,

so sad.

- Thanks.

What time should I pick them up?

- Oh god, I am the
wrong person to ask,

cause I am off to the spa,
but Josephine will be here,

she's watching the kids,
so I'm sure she doesn't...

You know what, let
me walk you out.

You look great.

- Oh yeah.

Huh?

No, okay.

Have you ever seen
a white rabbit

jump out of a top hat?

[snoring]

[laughing]

Uh, but it seems
like you guys are

a little more advanced
crowd, which is fine,

totally cool with
that, so looks like

Christmas is gonna come
a little early this year.

- What does that even mean?

[shushes]

- Can you make Darth Vader
appear out of your top hat?

- No, we want Anakin.

- [All] Anakin, Anakin--

- Okay, okay, chill
out, chill out.

- [All] Anakin, Anakin, Anakin!

[coughs]

- I'm better with the
younger demographic,

my boss, he knows this.

He told me this was a
four year old's party.

I don't think he
had anyone else.

You friends with the family?

- I work here.

- What like a nanny?

How long?

- Too long.

- You want some?

- No.

- To work with that kid,
you're crazy not to.

All right, stick in
the mud Mary Poppins.

[children screaming]

Second thoughts?

I won't tell.

[coughs]

[laughs]

- Can you really pull
a rabbit out of a hat?

- It's a stuffed animal,
three and four year olds

don't know the difference.

[children screaming]

- [Mary] How long have
you been doing this?

- What, making a
fool out of myself?

Too long.

How long have you
hated your life?

- Uh...

Who says I hate it?

- [Clown] Look at you.

- Look at you.

- [Clown] Wow, all right.

- You look ridiculous.

- [Clown] Yeah,
well you look angry.

I'd rather look
ridiculous than angry.

All right, smoke the rest
of my weed, you're welcome.

- Thank you.

I should go.

There any more?

- Hey, uh, Mary, the kids are...

What the hell are you doing?

- [Mary] It was his.

- [Clown] Sorry man.

- [Dad] All right, just try
staying away from the kids.

- Shit.

I'm sorry.

- Thanks.

- You consistently arrive
late to pick the kids up

at school, you never pick
up the dog poop in the yard

like I ask you to, Matty uses
one of your birth control

sleeves as a fake wallet,
and teachers are complaining.

Most nights, I come home and
you're passed out on the couch

while Ryan's watching
TV, on a school night!

I need you moved out by this
evening, I'll tell the kids

it was an emergency.

- Where am I supposed to go?

- I can't have a druggie
taking care of my children.

- I'm not a druggie.

- You got high with the
birthday party clown

at the birthday party.

- Hey, listen, I know
it's probably not your

first choice, but I am
house sitting for the month

if you need a place to stay

you can crash with
me for a night.

You know, it's the
least I can do.

I mean I get it, I
know you're upset.

I can't help but feel
somewhat responsible for that.

But, please just
take this and then,

you know, if you need a place
to stay, I'm sure you got

other places to go, but,

please just take this,
it'd make me feel

a lot better.

- [Voiceover] You've reached
Christopher, obviously

I'm not available,
leave a message.

[phone beeps]

[doorbell rings]

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I'm sorry, I must
be in the wrong place.

- Honey, who is it?

Mary.

- Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm sorry, I tried calling.

- Uh...

Yeah, well we've
been kinda busy.

- Well, I guess I'd try calling.

Something's come up, and I
just need a place to stay,

just for the night.

- Mary, it's been two years.

I'd love to but,

now is not the time.

- Okay.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Well...

- You gonna let me in?

- This is uh...

My friend Adam's place,
he's away on location

shooting his show, so you
know, respect his space.

- Does he like candy
as much as you do?

- No.

All right.

Why don't you sleep
upstairs and I'll crash here

on the couch, okay?

Let me grab you a towel.

[somber piano]

Morning.

- Hi.

What are these?

- They're fliers Adam wants
me to put up around the comedy

community, all the comedy clubs.

- [Mary] Why?

- It's for a comedy
standoff he's doing.

At least that's
what he calls it,

basically he's
looking for new talent

for his show.

- Is he related to
Steven Spielberg?

- No.

He changed his name
when he moved down here,

he thought it would
open some doors for him.

- [Mary] Did it?

- It did.

- [Mary] Are you gonna enter?

- No, it's not for me.

- You should.

Get you the money
you now owe me.

- Yeah, well I used to
like making people laugh

but that was a long time ago.

If that hasn't happened by
now, it's not gonna happen.

- If it hasn't happened by now,
you have to make it happen.

- Thank you Tony Robbins.

How much was last week's pay?

- 2,000.

- You make two grand a week?

- No, but that's
what I'm charging you

for the massive inconvenience
and time it's gonna take

to get a new job.

- Okay, I can't afford that.

- Well, you should
find a way you can.

- Look, if I had
it, I would, okay?

I told you.

I feel bad.

You're jobless, and I get
it it's partially my fault.

I have this place three more
weeks, stay if you want.

- Don't worry, I have
plenty of friends

who've offered me other options.

- [Clown] Good.

- Listen...

I know what you did.

Okay, and I'm
willing to help you.

But before I can even
begin this process,

you must present proof that
you're attending therapy.

- Excuse me?

- We must be certain that
we are sending our clients

emotionally stable candidates.

- You're not s--

- You gotta get your
behavioral issues in check.

- Smoking pot isn't
a behavioral issue.

[cell phone ringing]

[phone dings]

- [Voiceover] Hi, this
message is for Homer Winters,

this is the St. John's billing
department, please call us

back as soon as you have
received this message.

[phone beeps]

- I hope you don't
mind, the door was open.

I just need to stay
here one more night.

- It's fine.

- [Voiceover] So
how did you find me?

- Craigslist.

I'm here to use the
first visit's free,

if you're still doing
that, which I hope you are,

because that's why I picked you.

- Yeah, so, what
brought you in today?

- The nanny agency
won't send me out on

any meetings and
interviews unless I

seek help for my
behavioral issues.

- And what might those be?

- Well, I smoked pot

at a 10 year old's
birthday party with

a clown magician,
he made me do it.

And now I'm living with
him while he house sits

for his friend,

and he's a total slob.

- So that's why you're here,

to rectify your
behavioral problems to

land another nanny job?

Why do you want to be a nanny?

- Actually I don't.

I can't nanny anymore.

I've done it for 10 years,
and I look at those kids

and I feel nothing.

- Okay.

[cell phone rings]

- Hello?

- [Voiceover] Who is this?
- Who is this?

- [Voiceover] This
is Homer's boss,

former boss actually.

I would like to speak with him.

- He's busy at the
moment, what do you want?

- [Voiceover] You can tell
your boyfriend that he owes me

$200 for his performance
last weekend,

he also owes me 500 on
top of that for grievances

and embarrassment, and you
can tell him he's fired.

[knocking]

- What are you doing in there?

- [Homer] You don't wanna know.

- I have to talk to you.

- [Homer] Well can it wait?

- Nope.

[toilet flushes]

- What is it?

- Your boss called.

- Well what did he say?

- You owe him $700,
and you're fired.

And we're both homeless
in three weeks, so can you

please finish pooping,
and then we can figure out

a way how to make quick cash?

Is that a yes?

That was fast.

- Yeah, well I thought you
said you had other places

to live.

- I do, I'd just like the money
you owe me before I leave.

[chewing]

- Garage sale.

- This is going well.

- You have to give it time.

- What's with the baseball bat?

- It was my dad's, he gave
it to me when I was a kid.

- He won't be upset
you're selling it?

- Unlikely.

- Does he live here?

- St. John's.

- That must be nice.

- Not that St.
John's, he's sick.

- When's the last
time you saw him?

- Six months.

- You should visit him.

- You should mind
your own business.

- Can't avoid him forever.

- Who said I was avoiding him?

[whistles]

These are great.

- They're mostly my mom's.

Mine are at the back.

- Yeah, why would
you sell these?

- Cause I need the money.

And because she's dead, so
I don't think she'll care.

- [Man] How much
for the drawings?

- $50.

[laughs]

- I'll give you eight.

Take a little monkey for
my granddaughter too.

- [Voiceover] I was on the
internet the other night,

and, that's how, you ever
been on the internet?

Like late at night--

- Hey man, big comedy
competition, huge prize.

- Cause I wasn't
even looking at porn,

that's how you know
it's over for you.

When you're not even
looking at porn anymore,

porn bores you.

You're just in this
place where you're like,

"Well I guess there's
nothing left to do

"but look up clips of
break dancers and watch

"billiard trick shot videos."

[laughing]

Cause knowing that the
chicks have personality...

- Hi, is my dad available,
I'd like to say hi.

Thanks.

Okay, and you told
him it was me?

No, never mind,
that's fine, thanks.

You know, actually, tell him
if he keeps refusing my call

I'm gonna stop calling
one of these days.

No, don't say that.

It's fine, thanks.

[door slams shut]

- I'm so sorry about
that, won't you come in?

[door slams shut]

We've been having a
little bit of trouble

finding a good fit for our Em.

- [Mary] Why is that?

- It's a difficult age.

You probably remember
what it was like.

Tell me about your last job.

- The kids were great.

I loved them, and they loved me.

But they're in Europe now.

- Mr. Frick and I do
like our alone time,

so there would be plenty
of opportunity for the

nanny to take Emma to
our Palm Springs home.

Sort of a girls' weekend,
does that sound like fun?

- Really fun.

- Are you interested in being
considered for this position?

Assuming that your previous
employer can provide

a good reference.

[chatter on television]

- Betty Sue, honestly,
can I tell you something,

you are, if I can be
honest, you are getting me

awfully hot and
bothered Betty Sue.

- Oh really?
- Yeah really.

- Well then why
don't you cool off?

[laughing]

- You may have won this one,

but the war is not
over my friend.

- The war will never
be over as long as

you're alive.

[laughing]

- [Man on TV] I don't like
the way you do that, mm hmm.

- [Betty Sue] Mm hmm.

- [Man on TV] Yeah,
you want to throw down?

[laughing]

- [TV] And then I
says to her, I says,

"Honey it's all right,
we're gonna work this"--

- Is this for real?

This is your friend's show?

- It has its moments.

- What moments?

This is awful.

- Well his first
show was better.

- What is that?

- It's a Snickers
sorbet milkshake.

I added the sorbet
to be healthier.

- I truly don't understand you.

That's a really
great color for you.

- What do you want?

- I need you to come to
therapy with me tomorrow.

- You're serious, like,
I'm letting you stay here,

you really want me to go to
therapy with you tomorrow,

are you crazy?

- It's the only way they'll
keep sending me out on

job interviews.

- If I go to therapy with you?

- No, but I've already
used my first visit's

free and now we can use yours.

The sooner I get a job,
the sooner I'm gone.

- Admit you have
nowhere else to go.

- You had to wear the shorts.

- When I wear jeans
my butt gets sweaty.

- Where is he?

He was almost a half hour
late the last time I was here,

he was in the bathroom.

- Please stop talking.

- [Therapist] Mary, it's
good to see you again.

- Oh, you're wearing glasses.

- [Therapist] I am.

- I like them.

- Thank you.

This must be the clown magician?

- Yes, this is Homer.

The clown magician.

And we are actually here
together as a couple,

so your first time is free,
that would apply for him

too right, cause
he's a new client?

- Yeah, sure, I
don't see why not.

- Excellent honey.

- Good, I thought
we'd have to pay.

- What brought you in today?

- He's shy.

He's shy, so I was thinking
we could start with something

with us and my stuff, and
then he could see how it works

so I was...

I had a plan, I was
actually hoping we could--

- Actually, I'd like to get
to know Homer a little better.

- It's okay, really,
she seems determined.

- [Therapist] And how
does that make you feel?

- Her being determined?

- [Therapist] Mm hmm.

- I don't think-- -
[Therapist] Does it excite you?

Does it inspire you?

Are you a determined
person Homer?

- I don't know, I've
never really seen myself

as determined.

- [Therapist]
What's stopping you?

- What's not?

- [Therapy] Mary,
can we give Homer

some space to
answer the question?

What do you think it
would take for you to

get off the couch, so to speak,

and live in this determined
life that's full of drive

and passion.

- It seems like that would
take a lot, and I don't even

know where to start.

- He is correct there.

Take a lot, but you know
what wouldn't take a lot?

Figuring out how I'm
gonna get my next job

so that we can actually
continue our relationship

but from different
places to live.

- You came here for
couple's therapy,

and your goal is to
live in separate homes?

Away from each other?

- [Mary] I wouldn't
use that word.

- [Homer] Yes.
- What word?

Relationships or home?

I'm confused.

You said you were a couple.

- [Homer] I actually feel
a little better, thank you.

- [Mary] I'm so glad, he
seemed to really like you.

At least someone got help today.

- [Homer] I know, I think he
gave some really great advice.

- [Mary] What like
get off your ass?

- [Voiceover] Why do you
want to be an architect?

- My mom was an architect.

Well, she went to school
to become an architect.

And when I was little I
used to love losing myself

in her designs.

- Does she work
here in the city?

What firm is she with?

- She works overseas.

- Oh.

- I used to collect all
her old models, and I would

add to them through the years.

When nothing seemed
to be going right,

I would focus on creating
this hypothetical beauty.

I loved it.

[chuckles] It was
our shared passion.

- Sounds like it still is.

- I want a chance to bring
beauty like that to life.

- Do you have some of
your work with you?

- It burned.

In a fire.

- Can't seem to
find your resume.

Where'd you graduate from?

- I didn't graduate.

I had to leave after
the first semester.

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

- You don't look fine.

- I'm just having a hard time.

I applied for a small
internship at this

architecture firm, and
they turned me away

because I didn't have a degree.

- Is that what you want
to be, an architect?

- That's what I
went to school for.

But then my
grandmother got sick.

And I had to leave after
the first semester.

That's all I ever wanted to do.

But at this point
it's kind of a joke.

- Why?

- Because it's
never gonna happen.

- I thought you had
to make it happen.

Why don't you go back to school?

- With what money?

[dishes clanging]

[water running]

What happened to
your Captain Crunch?

- I'm moving on.

- How'd you get my sketchbook?

- I bought it back from the guy.

I could tell it
meant a lot to you.

- Thanks.

- Um...

I'm gonna enter the
comedy competition,

and if I win, I'm gonna split
the money with you, but,

you need to promise you're
gonna use that money to go

back to school.

- You said it's not for you.

- Changed my mind.

- You're not even
funny, are you?

My nanny kids didn't
seem to think so.

- Well I mean, that's a
different situation, those kids

obviously have issues.

- Have you ever
done this before?

- Help me, and I'll
split the money with you.

- If you win.

- Do we have a deal?

- Fine.

- Shake on it.

You have to promise I won't
make a fool out of myself.

- Actually I think
that's all comedy is.

Just do that.

- [laughs] Maybe you should
get on stage, that's funny.

- [Mary] Right.

- [Comedian] So anyway,
I'm talking to this guy,

and like, you can't even
do your job, you can't

even do your freaking job.

Do your job--
- Why am I doing this?

- You have to practice.

- I don't have any
good material yet.

- Just make something up.

Oh, you're up.

Okay, you can do this,
just say something

this was your idea, practice.

Go!

[sparse laughs]

- Hey everybody!

Um...

- Hey you know people
they have these

stupid sayings, like,

"We're gonna party till
the cows come home!"

Really?

You got cows living
at your house?

Where do they sleep?

- Okay, um...

Da, da, da, da, da.

- I was hoping that I
would be the only one

wearing a blue shirt, but
uh, fella in the back's

also wearing a blue
shirt, so I guess this

class has the blues.

- Thank you, thank you.

Goodnight.

- Don't take ecstasy
before you go to church.

- I like to fart on airplanes.

- I just celebrated
my anniversary

of not having a boyfriend.

That's right, I'm
single, guys calm down.

[sparse claps]

All right, I'll take
numbers after the show.

It's pretty awesome
though being single,

there are advantages,
like I don't have to

take the Domino's Pizza
sign off my car after work.

When I wake up in the
morning, and the bed's wet,

I know it's me.

I can help my friend's
husbands, and their kids,

as long as they are 12 and
over, 11 is just creepy.

I went out with a 10 year old,
he didn't pay for anything.

[laughing]

- So I mean then
the joke's like...

I don't know it's kind of
based around how the Koreans

run all the nail salons.

- [Adam] Honey, I'm home!

- Wow, man, I thought
you were coming home

later tonight.

- Well, I was able to
catch an earlier flight,

actually.

Who's this?

- This is Mary.

- Hi.

- Hi Mary.

Little Mary's making herself
quite at home here, huh?

The cereal, and the feet
up on the coffee table?

- Yeah.

Uh, she's actually
my life coach.

- You brought a life coach
to come and live with you?

- Yeah, I mean it was
just temporary man.

I was gonna call you.

- Yeah, you should of, but uh...

- [Homer] I meant to call
you about that earlier.

- Earlier?

How long have you
had a life coach for?

- Not long.

- Okay, well look as long as

there haven't been
any life coach fluids

exchanged between
you two crazy kids

all over my furniture,
then I'm fine with that,

that's cool.

Nice to meet you.

- [Homer] Yeah, no, she's uh...

She's not like that at all.

Um, yeah no she's
a professional.

- Yeah, hey well
look man honestly,

he likes you,

I'm just really happy to
hear that you're taking

proactive steps to kind
of get your life in order,

because you were really
starting to become a strain

on everybody around you.

So, I'm glad, where'd you
get this, is this cotton?

- [Homer] Goodwill.

- That's Goodwill?

It's nice man,
actually, I don't know.

Yeah but, whether
it's her or whoever

I'm just happy that you're
back on the horse dude,

so...

Seriously.

But I'm home now, right, the
master's back in the castle,

so you two can split, okay?

So thanks for playing, namaste
Mary, nice to meet you.

Just clean that cereal
bowl up when you're done.

Phew, what is this?

Got this.

- Uh, actually man, we're
really close to finding a place.

- Oh yeah, you and
the life coach?

- Yeah no, her name's
Mary, we just can't

move in till the
end of the month.

- [Adam] I feel like
three's kind of a crowd.

- Or it could be company.

- Huh, sorry that was a joke,

you were joking?

What'd you say?

Doesn't matter, I'm sorry
man, my brain has been

so fried, just cause I've
been working nonstop,

I've just been work, work,
work, work, work, it's been

a hell of a, Bobby,

not on the cou...

Mary we really gotta make
sure he's not on this,

okay, this is a really nice
couch, wouldn't want to ruin it

he's got sort of
an unpredictable
bladder, all right,

look if you guys don't
mind looking after Bob,

and if you guys want to
split the couch or something,

then, yeah you guys can stay,
I can make that arrangement

work, I'm gonna be working
most nights anyway and when

I'm not I'll be over at the
Yoga Center, doing my um--

- Bikram.

- Bikram, which I love,
to sweat that out.

So uh, that's fine,
that's okay with me, yeah?

Good, okay.

- Um, well...

Cool man, thanks.

I uh...

Yeah, you won't even
know we're here.

- [Adam] That'd be perfect.

Hey, would you mind
fixing his uh...

Pulling his hat
down over his eye?

Yeah, my little
Dogtonio Banderas.

[laughs]

- Cute.

Thank you!

- You didn't tell him about me?

- Well I just told
him right now.

- You told him I
was your life coach.

- It's the best I
could do, I bought us

till the end of the month.

- To be his dog walker.

- I know how to handle him.

- Are you gonna tell him you're
entering the competition?

Take him out, and talk to him.

- What?

- You want me to
be your life coach?

Fine, take him out
and talk to him.

Say you need some insider
information on the competition,

you need all the
help you can get.

- Trust me, I can handle this.

- You know what,
I'm gonna go too.

- No, no.

- You won't even know I'm there.

- Okay, chill out James
Bond, we're not doing that.

- I'll figure out if
he has an in for you,

or if you really stand a chance.

- No.

I got this.

Thanks for meeting me
here man, I know it's

your first night back
but, I was really hoping

to get some advice.

- Hey, you know how I
feel about giving advice.

It's like who the hell am
I to offer anybody advice.

I'm just another hard-working
American, just like the rest

of us, doing my thing,
working on my show,

living the dream, you know,
hey how do you like Bobby?

Do you know that I rescued
him from this local

shelter up where
we were shooting?

- Cool.

- I only want to spend my
time with him right now,

it's like my new toy slash
life partner lover thing.

It's like this crazy thing.

But, I'm torn cause,
you know, work takes up

so much of my time, so
much of my mental energy,

it drains me
emotionally in a way,

but they told me that they
were gonna put him down.

And I was like I don't think
I could even live with myself

if I knew that
that was happening,

or that I was in the
proximity of that happening.

- [Homer] The dog is cute.

- I mean, look at that face, how
do you kill a face like that?

You let this thing
die of natural causes.

Little Fred Astaire
bow tie like that?

Cute.

- Yeah he's great.

- Hey, did I tell you that

our show got nominated for
a People's Choice Award?

So that's pretty cool, right?

- No you didn't tell
me that, that's great,

congratulations man.

- Thank you man, thank you.

It's been a long road.

- Not really, you sold
that show within a year

of moving out here.

- No, that was
Who's In My Bedroom?

That's Not My Bra
took some work.

So what did you want to
talk to me about anyway?

- Well actually I was thinking--

- Is it about that
life coach, Melanie?

- Her name is Mary.

- Mary, yeah, she seems all
right, by the way, I like her,

you know, hot little body,
nice head of red hair,

decent teeth.

Yeah, where'd you
find her by the way?

- Uh, I found her
at Whole Foods.

- Whole Foods?

Get out of here, you found
a life coach at Whole Foods?

- Yeah, like on one
of those cork boards,

she had a thing up.

- Okay--

- So, like a poster.

- Okay, and you just
kinda pulled the tab?

- [Homer] Yeah I ripped
her phone number off.

- Ah, you ripped it huh?

Yeah you did.

- She's actually
been really helpful.

She's inspired me to
give comedy another try.

- Like...

Comedy comedy?

- Yeah.

[laughs]

- Mm hmm, mm hmm.

[laughs]

Sorry, I...

I just thought that
we talked about this?

We did it together when
we were kids, and we

kind of joked about
doing it out here,

we moved and I got lucky,
well combination lucky

and extremely hard work,
and life proved that

it had other plans for you.

- You know those fliers
you asked me to put up?

- Yeah, you did that right?

Did you hit the Comedy Barn?

Because they have a lot
of good newcomers there--

- I'm thinking about entering.

- Entering the Comedy Barn,
no you just walk right through

the front door, that's fine.

The manager Tommy, if you
drop my name, if you say that,

"Adam wants me to
flier this place."

- I've been thinking about
entering the contest.

Your contest, I'm thinking
about entering, I want to give

comedy another shot.

- Is this because of that girl
Melissa, or Marnie or whatever?

- Her name is Mary.

- Okay, relax, she's
pulling the strings on this?

You know, cause there's
a lot of other ways to

meet women, bro.

You should come to
yoga with me honestly,

want to come to bikram?

- Are you saying I can't
do the competition?

- No, I'm not saying
you can't do it, I just,

I don't want you to get
destroyed, you know,

that's all, I mean this is for

professionals with careers
that are on the rise,

sort of young up and
comers, kind of thing.

I mean didn't you develop like,

crippling stage fright?

You know, I just don't
want this to set you back,

I mean you might end up
more depressed when you

see the kind of talent
that you'd be up against.

Well look man, you know, I'm
not your mom so do whatever

you want, I'm not gonna
stop you, you know,
do whatever you want.

- Cool.

- Yeah.

- Cool.

- All right, you got
to, uh, oh you got this?

Okay, awesome.

Hey, what'd you want
to talk to me about?

That girl Mavis?

What the hell is her name?

I'll just have another
[mumbles] please.

- [Mary] You know
how to handle him?

- Well what the hell,
you threw me off.

- He's an idiot.

- So now what?

- We win that
fucking competition.

Come on.

[calm music]

[growling]

- Boop.

Hey, Homer.

Yo, Homer.

Do you know any like
funny, guy next door types

I might be able to use for
an upcoming part on my show?

It's kind of a major part
so, I'd like to use someone

really funny.

Uh, and I would
do it myself, but

I don't know, it just
feels weird this time.

Do you know someone?

- [Mary] Homer can do it.

- Huh?

I'm sorry, what?

- [Mary] Homer can play
the part in your show.

- What part?

- Your friend, he
needs a funny type,

why not you?

- Oh, I'm not an actor.

- Yeah, he's not
really an actor.

You know he's got that
terrible performance anxiety.

And plus this guy
needs to be like funny.

- Well Homer can do
that, I've seen your

stupid show, and he can
do what those people

are doing, probably better.

He's funny, you would know that
if you were paying attention.

Watch some of your
high school videos.

- You guys have been watching
my high school videos?

- She doesn't know what
she's talking about.

- I just feel like you
might be overstepping your

life coach boundaries
here, Mary.

- Okay, I'm not a life coach.

I'm somebody he got fired
when he forced me to smoke pot

at a 10 year old's
birthday party.

So, that's done.

No life coach.

- Oh boy, oh boy,
I feel betrayed,

stunned, forsaken,

so I've been housing you guys
here under false pretenses,

is that what you're saying?

That I've been exploited, my
hospitality and my kindness

has been exploited by a close
friend and a not life coach?

I've literally opened my door
to you, and my heart to you,

and my soul to you,
and you have squatted,

taken down your pants,
and shat on that.

You have shat on that trust.

The two of you have collectively
taken deep dark shits

all over my trust.

Plus smoking is bad for
the lungs, and honestly,

it causes the munchies, and
do you need to be munching?

Is one thing that you should
probably keep in mind,

before you take a toke.

[breathes deeply]

Okay, listen to me very closely,
here's what we're gonna do,

the two of you assholes are
gonna pack up your shit,

and get the f out of my h.

Get out.

Unbelievable.

But thank you for
watching my show, we need

all the viewers we can get.

Hey, if you guys get
bored, you could just

rummage through some
more of my deeply

personal belongings.

I think my passport
and my god damn

Social Security card
should be here somewhere.

- I'm too in shock to kill you.

I told you, I know
how to handle him.

- You never told me you
had performance anxiety.

- You saw my last gig.

- That was not a gig,

that was an open mic night.

You told me you were
just out of practice,

from your high school days.

- Well, what are we gonna do?

[cell phone ringing]

- Hello?

Hi Steven.

Starting today?

- I thought you said
we were going to lunch?

- There's a flower shop
on the first floor,

bring him some flowers.

- Are you serious?

The man's impossible,
I can't win with him.

He's not a nice guy.

- Tell him if he tries
any bullshit that he can't

hurt you anymore.

Trust me.

You'll be glad you
did when he's dead.

We'll wait here, then
we can get lunch.

That was fast.

- Yep, all good.

- I'm sure he was
happy to see you.

[calm piano]

- [Homer] I want to live here.

- Okay, give me another.

- I think shredded
lettuce is funny.

- I don't see it.

- Like you know when you
go to a sandwich shop

and they skip out on all
the ingredients, and then

when it comes time for the
lettuce, they just empty

a dump truck full of
it onto your sandwich.

How's that not funny?

- I don't see it,
it's not funny.

- I once yelled at a woman
after I saved her life.

- I don't get it.

- Okay I'll put that
in the maybe column.

I thought it was funny,
I think if I explain it.

- Come on, next.

- Why am I doing this?

He kicked us out.

- Anyone can enter.

There are judges.

- Yeah, and what
about stage fright?

- Take a Xanax.

- All right.

- It's awfully quiet up there.

- Maybe she's in her coffin.

- Will you go tell
her dinner's ready?

- Emma, dinner's ready!

- Okay, will you go
up there and tell her

dinner's ready?

[knocking]

- Hey, it's time for dinner.

[knocking]

Emma, it's time to eat,
we're having pasta.

[crickets chirping]

- What do you mean she's gone?

- Vampires have a way
of sneaking around.

- This isn't funny.

- Trust me, she's gonna turn up.

- She's gonna turn up?

She's gonna turn up?

What is she gonna turn
up dead in the pool?

- All right.

- [Mary] I'm fucked.

- Look, I'm sure she
just realized she's not

cool enough to hang out
with us, and decided

to skip town for a bit.

- Skip town?

Where would she skip town
to, we're in the desert.

What'd she hitchhike
to the outlet mall at

nine o'clock at night?

I have to call the police.

Oh my god, I haven't
even worked a full day.

You realize no amount of
therapy is gonna help me

get a nanny gig after this?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Just close your eyes.

- I don't have time for this.

- Just do it.

Close your eyes.

Now I want you to
realize something.

You are getting paid.

- I haven't gotten paid yet.

- You are getting paid
to stay in a really cool

house in the desert with
a fully stocked pantry,

and wet bar.

Let the little vampire
girl have her fun.

She's probably just out
hanging out with other

private school vampires
with second homes in the

desert, she'll come back.

Didn't you ever sneak out
when your mom left town?

- No, my mom killed herself,

and I was too young to
know what sneaking off was,

and I liked my
grandmother who raised me,

so I never snuck off.

Unless it was to
my room to read.

I have a long time
how I survived.

[glasses tinging]

What are you doing?

- To dead,

and dying parents.

- That is twisted.

- And to a vampire-free
weekend in the sun.

Come on.

Come on.

- Fuck it.

[glasses ting]

[laughing]

[Back to the Life by Spoon]

♪ Son you must go
back to the life.

♪ Go pack your bags,
take up your scythe.

♪ Cause this world
wasn't meant for us both.

♪ Who made the night,
who made the day?

♪ Who gave you life,
who gave you say?

♪ I said this world
wasn't meant for us both.

[shouts]

[water splashes]

- I'll have a vodka soda.

- Nice.

I'll have a Malibu coke.

- I should probably
check your ID.

- [Homer] Nice.

- Thank you.

Hey it's your birthday,
happy birthday!

- What?

Are you...

Give me this.

Holy shit it's
your 30th birthday.

- Which is a birthday just
like any other birthday.

Please, keep it down.

- No, I will not keep
it down, hey everyone,

it's her birthday, if
we could just all sing

in the key of E, ha--

- All right, okay,
that's enough.

We're fine, really.

Okay, thanks, just the drinks.

No singing.

- Hey, attention everyone,

yeah, turn up your hearing
aids here, we have a special

birthday lady in the house, she
turned 30, - Nope, that's okay.

- Which is

as young as some of your
great, great grandchildren.

[laughs]
- [Mary] It's not funny.

- It is funny,
they can't hear me.

Why didn't you tell me
it was your birthday?

That's ridiculous.

What do you want
for your birthday?

- Is this thing on?

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up

for the one, the only,

Homer Seinfeld, that's
it, chug that drink.

- All right.

- Hey!

- All right, well, um,

this is probably the
worst birthday gift

that you could ask for.

Palm Springs!

Can you hear me or do
you need to turn up

your hearing aids?

[laughs]

Uh, let's see, well
I have narcolepsy,

but only in one of my legs.

It's always asleep,
just walking around.

[snores]

Why are you making me do this?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Growing up my
parents made me wear

corduroy huskie pants all
the time, and as a fat kid,

you know, you walk
around, you just get
this zip, zip, zip, zip.

So much a lot of friction
down in the leg area,

like flames were bursting
out of my pants, it's,

I don't know why my parents
let me do that, I mean

it's back in the 80's back
when child abuse was expected.

[cough]

Well, that was a cough,
not sure that was a laugh,

I think that was a cough,
I'll take it, thank you.

[laughing]

- You did it!

- I did it!

I did it at the geriatric
bar of West Palm Springs.

- Doesn't matter you did it.

- Yeah I did.

[screams]

Whoa.

[laughs]

Oh...

What were you like as a kid?

- No psychology please.

- I'm just trying to have
an adult conversation,

might get some good
material out of it.

- It was fine I guess.

My mom died when I was 10.

In the middle of her last
year of architecture school.

- I'm sorry.

- I envy happy people.

I don't know how they do it.

My family has a grand tradition

of succumbing to depression,

and my

mom followed in my
grandfather's footsteps.

My grandmother insisted
that meds were the only

way to beat it, which
my mom refused to take.

- Do you take any medication?

- Yeah.

I'm not proud of it.

My grandmother used to say,

"If you had diabetes you would
take your insulin right?"

I never bought it though.

I'm still convinced
it's a choice.

- Then why are you depressed?

I don't know, part of me thinks

I should be back on meds.

My dad came home to
find me bleeding out

in the bath tub
my freshman year.

They called an ambulance,
that was the last time

we talked about it.

And Adam moved to our
town the next year, and

we became friends, we
were the class clowns.

I was goofing off getting into
trouble making people laugh.

Laughing at ourselves.

It was good to laugh again.

- Why is he such a douche bag?

- Adam or my dad?

[laughs]

- You should stop talking
about shredded lettuce

in your set and start
talking about these people.

- Eh, people don't
wanna hear about that.

- You'd be surprised.

- It's not funny.

- Find a way to make it funny.

People can relate
more than you think.

Where's your mom in all of this?

- Do you want a drink?

- Why not?

- [Homer] Yeah.

[laughs]

- Okay.

- Let's talk about
your love life.

- What about it?

- Do you date?

- Nope.

Not anymore.

Nothing I love seems to
last so what's the point?

Couple one night stands
every now and again

helps pacify the itch.

Everyone here is so depressed.

If I married a depressed
person, do you know how

awful that would be, that
would be so fucked up.

Oh, you hear that world?

I am fine with my
depressed spinsterhood.

I am fine.

Let's dance.

Come on.

Dance with me.

Let's dance.

- You're naked.

- Who cares?

Come on, dance with me.

Who's the stick in the
mud now, Mr. Seinfeld?

- You do realize my last
name's not Seinfeld right?

- Are you scared?

[touching piano]

- Happy birthday.

We gonna talk about last night?

- There's nothing to talk about.

- Oh, okay.

I seem to remember you
begging me to dance with you.

- It was a moment in
time, we were drunk,

we had fun right?

- Right.

- I can't start something now,

now or ever, I don't
have my shit together.

I'm miserable.

And then you would be miserable,
and then you would leave.

I don't even have
a job after today.

I gotta find that kid.

- So that's it?

[door opens]

Welcome back.

You've got some
blood on your fangs.

- He doesn't mean it.

[gentle piano]

- Hm.

- I'll walk the dog
morning, noon, and night.

- One more week?

- Apologize.

- We're sorry.

- Yeah, you're lucky I'm a yogi.

- Do you want to
rehearse tonight?

- I can't.

- Okay.

- You need to end
with the funny part.

- The mechanics of joke telling.

- Yes, there you go.

- I just need better material,
like good stuff that,

like that baby dinosaur
joke you have is hilarious,

like I want more stuff...

- You like that one?

- I'll buy it off of you,
I love it, are you kidding

it's hilarious.

- I don't know, I
just, there needs to be

more to it, more meat.

- [Homer] It's great.

- [Comedian] Thank you.

- [Homer] I mean that, I'm not
just trying to sleep with you.

- [Comedian] [chuckles]
I feel like you are.

[laughs]

And I will by the way.

- Yes!
- Maybe.

It just needs that one

thing that hooks.

- Well that's what you're
here for, you're supposed

to tell me--

- I'm trying to find it!

- I need good jokes like
you have, that baby dinosaur

joke's hysterical.

Needs more of a punch?

- It needs a punch too.

- Why don't you punch
the baby dinosaur?

- All right, see there
finally you have a good idea.

- I don't know, I just find
shredded lettuce to be funny.

[laughs]

- Hi, Homer, can I talk
to you for a second?

- Oh hey, this is Zoey,
Zoey, this is Mary.

Zoey's hilarious,
she's in my class.

We're working on
some new material.

- New material?

- You can never have
enough material.

- Trying to get it good.

- I know, right? [chuckles]

- That's right.

Can I talk to you
in the kitchen?

- One sec.

- Okay.

- Don't forget the one
about the old couple.

- Oh yes, thank you.

- That brings the house down.

What's up?

- I thought we were gonna
work on your set tonight?

- We are, I thought you
were gonna be at work

so I invited Zoey over after
class, it's not a big deal.

- Hey Homer!

- One second.

- Are you jealous?

- Are you serious?

- Look, even if this were
a thing, which it is not,

you said Palm Springs was
a one time let's forget our

problems and escape thing.

- I did say that.

- So then what's the issue?

- The issue is there
is some random girl

sitting on the couch that
I sleep on helping you

with your set, which
is partially mine.

- Your set, okay.

- You asked me to help you.

Please get her out of here.

- No worries, kids, I
got a yoga class at 10,

so Homer, great work today.

- Yeah, you too.

- All right, bye.

- You should
introduce her to Adam.

They could hit some great
yoga positions together.

- Mm, I never pegged you
for the jealous type.

- I'm not jealous, I'd just
like to finish what we started.

Making it happen, something
you don't seem to know

much about.

- What the hell are
you talking about?

Whose idea was this
in the first place?

- Are you upset that
you fell into the

one night stand category?

- No.

- For the record, it doesn't
count unless you ask a girl

to dinner, and you never
asked me that, so it's past.

Over, let's rehearse.

- No.

- We had a deal.

- I don't care.

I'll write you a check if I win.

- But I have to do my part.

- Your part, that's
what you gotta do?

Did your mom not finishing
architecture school

send you on this fucking rampage
where you gotta make sure

everyone you meet in life
finishes what they start?

Huh?

Is that why you're so fucking
bossy, what's the real

issue here Mary?

Can't be the money,
what's holding you back?

- At least my goal isn't to
write for some base level

crap of a sitcom.

- Yeah, well maybe the real
problem isn't that people

leave you it's that you
fucking push them away!

- Why don't you grow some
balls and actually go

visit your father
while he's still alive?

At least you have one?

- And a bitter passive
aggressive nanny is back,

hello, welcome back.

Think it's time you
handle your own shit.

[glass breaks]

[knocking]

Hey pops.

It's been a while.

The nurse said you weren't
doing too good and,

I'm sorry I couldn't
make it sooner.

I'm gonna do stand up tonight.

There's gonna be a
lot of people there,

I'm kind of nervous.

- What are you gonna talk about?

- Um...

I'm gonna start off
with a bit about

when you go to the store...

You remember that
thing that you said

that would always
make mom laugh?

- No, no. [coughs]

No, your mother never...

Never liked it when
you tried to be funny.

She said it made her anxious.

- I don't think mom said that.

- Isn't that what
you said Derdra?

Mm.

She came home right after
you tried to kill yourself.

- What?

- Your mother came
to the house and...

You were in the hospital
so I told her what you did.

And that's when she
left us for good.

She couldn't bear to look at you

lying there so pathetic.

[hacking and coughing]

- I am very clearly the
deadbeat brother, okay?

Like, believe me when I
tell you there is a taller,

better looking version of
me out there, who knows how

to access his bank statement
electronically and has

money in his account.

I am the Wayne to the
Wonder Years' Kevin Arnold,

okay?

[laughing]

- [Voiceover] You've reached
Mary, please leave a message.
- Shit.

- Okay guys, give me your
cards, your intro cards.

Good, good, okay,
hey where's yours?

Come on--

- I'm not ready.

- Stage fright?

- No, please, just
let a few more go.

[calm indie music]

- [Voiceover] You've reached
Mary, please leave a message.

- There's this group of people
who got together to save

the Hollywood sign to keep
it from getting torn down.

So they raised millions and
millions of dollars to save

this sign, and they refer
to themselves as activists.

So just imagine these
activists talking with other

activists who are doing
real things, like they are

at a party, and they're like,

"I just got back from
Darfur where we provided

"a poor village
with mosquito nets."

And the Hollywood
activists are like,

"Yeah, well you see
that sign up there?

"You're welcome!"

[audience laughs] Thank
you that's my time.

[applause]

- Fantastic, thank
you, oh my god

I love that Hollywood
sign, though.

I love that sign.

[laughing]

Right?

- Oh my god, so good

- Thank you, kill it all right?

- Okay.

All right, okay.

- That's Not My Bra would
not be what it is today

which is a bonafide,
international
television sensation,

am I right?

[applause]

Right?

Fantastic, thank
you guys so much,

give yourselves a round of
applause for supporting me!

[applause]

Supporting me!

[laughs] I love
that Hollywood sign.

- [Voiceover] You've
reached Mary-- - But he

is a persistent little
bugger, and he weasled

his way in here somehow,
so god bless him for that.

Okay, now, his credits include,

Comedy Central, yeah?

Okay, HBO, that's a lie,
that's a bold-faced lie.

And the upcoming Bob
Newhart tribute, which is

definitely not upcoming,
so thanks for that.

Please welcome to the stage,
my old high school friend,

Homer, okay...

Homer Cosby.

Homer Cosby, yeah.

[applause]

Oh, here is now.

Come on, yeah, just needs
a little bit of coaxing.

Come on.

[laughs] Good.

Don't fuck this up man.

- Don't be an ass man.

Namaste.

- Okay, hilarious.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

- Hi.

[coughs]

What's going on with
shredded lettuce?

You order a sandwich
at a sandwich shop,

and they dump a truck
full of shredded lettuce

on your sandwich.

Isn't that ridiculous?

I don't know.

Fuck it.

My uh...

Dad just told me my mom
left us because of me.

That's so shitty it's cliche.

It's like,

"Hey dad, did you not
want to molest me too?

"Or did you feel like
that was bad parenting?"

Like where's your limit?

[laughing]

Help me out here,
just as a group,

if we could just help
stick together on this,

when are we gonna stop letting
that one friend we all have

treat us like shit?

At what point do we
say that's enough?

Like when I go to the
post office, and I got the

little claim slip, and
I give it to the guy,

and he gives me that
look like he wants to

kill me cause now he's
gotta go do his job and go

in the back and find
my stupid package.

When someone gives me that look,

my response is usually,

"Best friends forever."

Like I'm drawn to this.

I don't know why.

Why do I keep going
back to that well?

Cause I think I just want what
everyone else wants in life,

I just want to be loved, and
I want to love, I just want to

feel like I belong to
something and to someone.

You know what I
want is a montage.

That's what, I want a
romantic movie montage

for my life, wouldn't
that be great?

That'd be so cool, like I
just want to be in the park

at a picnic and lay my head in
her lap, and I wanna giggle...

[giggles]

Like how adorable is that?

Tell me you wouldn't
make love to that.

[laughing]

That's adorable.

I want a montage, I want a
montage of us buying t-shirts

together and painting a house,
and Joseph Gordon-Levitt

shows up and pats me on
the back and tells me I'm,

"Kicking ass."

And she's the one girl
that's not attracted to him,

cause she's attracted to me.

[laughing]

And I just want to say,
"In your face Jo Jo."

[laughing]

That's what I would like.

That would be great,
a little montage.

I almost had one, this close,
I don't know if they exist,

but we were this close.

I don't know what happened,
it didn't turn out the way

I thought it would.

But...

Who knows where we are now.

I don't know, I'm here, she's...

I don't know.

Damn it, you know.

I just need to...

I need to grow a spine.

Like I got a weak, shitty spine.

And I need to grow a
new spine over the weak,

old, like just put
it right there.

The problem is I'm
a little fatter now

than when I first got my
spine, so I'm sure this new

spine's gonna be too big, it's
gonna like cover the other

one, it's gonna like hang
down it's gonna look like

I have a tail [laughing]

or something.

I don't know, that would
actually be kinda cool

if you had a tail.

"Oh my god, Jessica, I'm dating
this great guy right now.

"He's so funny, he has
great hair, he's loving,

"and kind, and he giggles."

"What, that sounds perfect."

"Yeah, and he has a tail."

"A what, a tail?

"Like he's got a story,
like a backstory?

"Like a tale to tell?"

"No, he's got a fucking tail.

"Like a...

"It hits me in the face."

"Ew."

Cut to me in the corner
just wagging my tail.

"Hi, I'll take a biscuit."

[laughing]

I was so depressed, I
couldn't get off the couch.

Someone once told me
that two depressed people

shouldn't end up
together, they shouldn't.

I said, "Why not?"

We could both be
together, we could both

grow new excessive spines
together, we could be happy,

we could have tails.

[laughing]

Just each other.

That would be great, then
we could have our montage.

You know, like look I get it,
I'm not Matthew McConaughey,

okay it's not gonna be a
Matthew McConaughey montage.

He has washboard
abs, I have this.

[laughing]

I ate Matthew McConaughey.

[laughing]

- Okay, hilarious,
hilarious, Homer Cosby

ladies and germs,
Homer Cosby here.

Yeah, okay, whoa.

Fun, that's fun, okay you
guys seem to like his material

for the most part huh?

Okay, anyway, that's
cool, not jealous.

Listen, that's gonna
be the end of our

entertainment for the
evening, I'm gonna confirm

with the judges...

[somber piano]

- Excuse me, do you have
any Snicker flavored lattes?

- I'm sorry?

- [chuckles] Hi.

- Hi.

- Wow.

I waited a long time
to run into you.

I went to the vampire's house,
she said you weren't there,

I think she was
covering for you.

She turned into a
bat and flew away.

[chuckles]

You look great.

- Thank you.

- [Homer] How long
you worked here?

- Six months.

Actually, saving up for classes.

- Really?

- Architecture school.

- Look at you, that's great.

- Excuse me.

Can I order, or...

- Just one minute.

I never got a chance
to say thanks.

- It's okay.

- No, it's not.

Thank you.

- What have you been up to?

- Working on my own show.

Got my own place, my own dog.

- Hey is there a
manager or someone else

that can take an order?

I just want a coffee.

- Seriously dude?

- Yeah, seriously.

- Seriously, I'm in
the middle of ordering.

I will order in a moment.

- I should probably help him.

- [Homer] Yeah, you're
gonna get in trouble.

I'm sorry, I should go too.

- Do you want a coffee?

- Yeah.

- Good to see you.

- It was good to see you.

Hi.

[breathes deeply]

- Who was that guy?

- Just some guy I
knew for three weeks

a long time ago.

- Well, he left you a huge tip.

- You're crazy.

- We had a deal.

- Did you even win?

- It doesn't matter.

Just take the money,
go get your degree.

It's not gonna pay for
all your schooling,

but it'll help.

I want to see your
buildings populate this

entire city.

You gotta make it happen, right?

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

That was a long shift.

- What are you still doing here?

- I'm not gonna leave.

I'm not gonna be miserable,
and I'm not gonna leave.

I came back to ask you
something I should've

asked a very long time ago.

[A Simple Thing by
Freddie and Francine]