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[turn signal]

- Mm, crispy.

- When are you gonna leave us

and get a real job?

[cartoons on TV]

- This is the third time this week.

Goodnight Mary.

- Goodnight.

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

- Mary?

- Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm dropping off the kids.

- Oh my god, are these your kids?

- They're not my kids, I'm their nanny.

- Oh, cute.

God what a small world, ah!

Oh this isn't my house, this is my sister's,

I'm just here visiting my niece and nephew.

Practicing.

Can you believe it, got married!

Last year in Hawaii, ah!

I was like one of the last ones left,

I felt like such a spinster.

Are you married?

- No.

- My mom, she told me what happened

to your grandmother,

so sad.

- Thanks.

What time should I pick them up?

- Oh god, I am the wrong person to ask,

cause I am off to the spa, but Josephine will be here,

she's watching the kids, so I'm sure she doesn't...

You know what, let me walk you out.

You look great.

- Oh yeah.

Huh?

No, okay.

Have you ever seen a white rabbit

jump out of a top hat?

[snoring]

[laughing]

Uh, but it seems like you guys are

a little more advanced crowd, which is fine,

totally cool with that, so looks like

Christmas is gonna come a little early this year.

- What does that even mean?

[shushes]

- Can you make Darth Vader appear out of your top hat?

- No, we want Anakin.

- [All] Anakin, Anakin--

- Okay, okay, chill out, chill out.

- [All] Anakin, Anakin, Anakin!

[coughs]

- I'm better with the younger demographic,

my boss, he knows this.

He told me this was a four year old's party.

I don't think he had anyone else.

You friends with the family?

- I work here.

- What like a nanny?

How long?

- Too long.

- You want some?

- No.

- To work with that kid, you're crazy not to.

All right, stick in the mud Mary Poppins.

[children screaming]

Second thoughts?

I won't tell.

[coughs]

[laughs]

- Can you really pull a rabbit out of a hat?

- It's a stuffed animal, three and four year olds

don't know the difference.

[children screaming]

- [Mary] How long have you been doing this?

- What, making a fool out of myself?

Too long.

How long have you hated your life?

- Uh...

Who says I hate it?

- [Clown] Look at you.

- Look at you.

- [Clown] Wow, all right.

- You look ridiculous.

- [Clown] Yeah, well you look angry.

I'd rather look ridiculous than angry.

All right, smoke the rest of my weed, you're welcome.

- Thank you.

I should go.

There any more?

- Hey, uh, Mary, the kids are...

What the hell are you doing?

- [Mary] It was his.

- [Clown] Sorry man.

- [Dad] All right, just try staying away from the kids.

- Shit.

I'm sorry.

- Thanks.

- You consistently arrive late to pick the kids up

at school, you never pick up the dog poop in the yard

like I ask you to, Matty uses one of your birth control

sleeves as a fake wallet, and teachers are complaining.

Most nights, I come home and you're passed out on the couch

while Ryan's watching TV, on a school night!

I need you moved out by this evening, I'll tell the kids

it was an emergency.

- Where am I supposed to go?

- I can't have a druggie taking care of my children.

- I'm not a druggie.

- You got high with the birthday party clown

at the birthday party.

- Hey, listen, I know it's probably not your

first choice, but I am house sitting for the month

if you need a place to stay

you can crash with me for a night.

You know, it's the least I can do.

I mean I get it, I know you're upset.

I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for that.

But, please just take this and then,

you know, if you need a place to stay, I'm sure you got

other places to go, but,

please just take this, it'd make me feel

a lot better.

- [Voiceover] You've reached Christopher, obviously

I'm not available, leave a message.

[phone beeps]

[doorbell rings]

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I'm sorry, I must be in the wrong place.

- Honey, who is it?

Mary.

- Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm sorry, I tried calling.

- Uh...

Yeah, well we've been kinda busy.

- Well, I guess I'd try calling.

Something's come up, and I just need a place to stay,

just for the night.

- Mary, it's been two years.

I'd love to but,

now is not the time.

- Okay.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Well...

- You gonna let me in?

- This is uh...

My friend Adam's place, he's away on location

shooting his show, so you know, respect his space.

- Does he like candy as much as you do?

- No.

All right.

Why don't you sleep upstairs and I'll crash here

on the couch, okay?

Let me grab you a towel.

[somber piano]

Morning.

- Hi.

What are these?

- They're fliers Adam wants me to put up around the comedy

community, all the comedy clubs.

- [Mary] Why?

- It's for a comedy standoff he's doing.

At least that's what he calls it,

basically he's looking for new talent

for his show.

- Is he related to Steven Spielberg?

- No.

He changed his name when he moved down here,

he thought it would open some doors for him.

- [Mary] Did it?

- It did.

- [Mary] Are you gonna enter?

- No, it's not for me.

- You should.

Get you the money you now owe me.

- Yeah, well I used to like making people laugh

but that was a long time ago.

If that hasn't happened by now, it's not gonna happen.

- If it hasn't happened by now, you have to make it happen.

- Thank you Tony Robbins.

How much was last week's pay?

- 2,000.

- You make two grand a week?

- No, but that's what I'm charging you

for the massive inconvenience and time it's gonna take

to get a new job.

- Okay, I can't afford that.

- Well, you should find a way you can.

- Look, if I had it, I would, okay?

I told you.

I feel bad.

You're jobless, and I get it it's partially my fault.

I have this place three more weeks, stay if you want.

- Don't worry, I have plenty of friends

who've offered me other options.

- [Clown] Good.

- Listen...

I know what you did.

Okay, and I'm willing to help you.

But before I can even begin this process,

you must present proof that you're attending therapy.

- Excuse me?

- We must be certain that we are sending our clients

emotionally stable candidates.

- You're not s--

- You gotta get your behavioral issues in check.

- Smoking pot isn't a behavioral issue.

[cell phone ringing]

[phone dings]

- [Voiceover] Hi, this message is for Homer Winters,

this is the St. John's billing department, please call us

back as soon as you have received this message.

[phone beeps]

- I hope you don't mind, the door was open.

I just need to stay here one more night.

- It's fine.

- [Voiceover] So how did you find me?

- Craigslist.

I'm here to use the first visit's free,

if you're still doing that, which I hope you are,

because that's why I picked you.

- Yeah, so, what brought you in today?

- The nanny agency won't send me out on

any meetings and interviews unless I

seek help for my behavioral issues.

- And what might those be?

- Well, I smoked pot

at a 10 year old's birthday party with

a clown magician, he made me do it.

And now I'm living with him while he house sits

for his friend,

and he's a total slob.

- So that's why you're here,

to rectify your behavioral problems to

land another nanny job?

Why do you want to be a nanny?

- Actually I don't.

I can't nanny anymore.

I've done it for 10 years, and I look at those kids

and I feel nothing.

- Okay.

[cell phone rings]

- Hello?

- [Voiceover] Who is this? - Who is this?

- [Voiceover] This is Homer's boss,

former boss actually.

I would like to speak with him.

- He's busy at the moment, what do you want?

- [Voiceover] You can tell your boyfriend that he owes me

$200 for his performance last weekend,

he also owes me 500 on top of that for grievances

and embarrassment, and you can tell him he's fired.

[knocking]

- What are you doing in there?

- [Homer] You don't wanna know.

- I have to talk to you.

- [Homer] Well can it wait?

- Nope.

[toilet flushes]

- What is it?

- Your boss called.

- Well what did he say?

- You owe him $700, and you're fired.

And we're both homeless in three weeks, so can you

please finish pooping, and then we can figure out

a way how to make quick cash?

Is that a yes?

That was fast.

- Yeah, well I thought you said you had other places

to live.

- I do, I'd just like the money you owe me before I leave.

[chewing]

- Garage sale.

- This is going well.

- You have to give it time.

- What's with the baseball bat?

- It was my dad's, he gave it to me when I was a kid.

- He won't be upset you're selling it?

- Unlikely.

- Does he live here?

- St. John's.

- That must be nice.

- Not that St. John's, he's sick.

- When's the last time you saw him?

- Six months.

- You should visit him.

- You should mind your own business.

- Can't avoid him forever.

- Who said I was avoiding him?

[whistles]

These are great.

- They're mostly my mom's.

Mine are at the back.

- Yeah, why would you sell these?

- Cause I need the money.

And because she's dead, so I don't think she'll care.

- [Man] How much for the drawings?

- $50.

[laughs]

- I'll give you eight.

Take a little monkey for my granddaughter too.

- [Voiceover] I was on the internet the other night,

and, that's how, you ever been on the internet?

Like late at night--

- Hey man, big comedy competition, huge prize.

- Cause I wasn't even looking at porn,

that's how you know it's over for you.

When you're not even looking at porn anymore,

porn bores you.

You're just in this place where you're like,

"Well I guess there's nothing left to do

"but look up clips of break dancers and watch

"billiard trick shot videos."

[laughing]

Cause knowing that the chicks have personality...

- Hi, is my dad available, I'd like to say hi.

Thanks.

Okay, and you told him it was me?

No, never mind, that's fine, thanks.

You know, actually, tell him if he keeps refusing my call

I'm gonna stop calling one of these days.

No, don't say that.

It's fine, thanks.

[door slams shut]

- I'm so sorry about that, won't you come in?

[door slams shut]

We've been having a little bit of trouble

finding a good fit for our Em.

- [Mary] Why is that?

- It's a difficult age.

You probably remember what it was like.

Tell me about your last job.

- The kids were great.

I loved them, and they loved me.

But they're in Europe now.

- Mr. Frick and I do like our alone time,

so there would be plenty of opportunity for the

nanny to take Emma to our Palm Springs home.

Sort of a girls' weekend, does that sound like fun?

- Really fun.

- Are you interested in being considered for this position?

Assuming that your previous employer can provide

a good reference.

[chatter on television]

- Betty Sue, honestly, can I tell you something,

you are, if I can be honest, you are getting me

awfully hot and bothered Betty Sue.

- Oh really? - Yeah really.

- Well then why don't you cool off?

[laughing]

- You may have won this one,

but the war is not over my friend.

- The war will never be over as long as

you're alive.

[laughing]

- [Man on TV] I don't like the way you do that, mm hmm.

- [Betty Sue] Mm hmm.

- [Man on TV] Yeah, you want to throw down?

[laughing]

- [TV] And then I says to her, I says,

"Honey it's all right, we're gonna work this"--

- Is this for real?

This is your friend's show?

- It has its moments.

- What moments?

This is awful.

- Well his first show was better.

- What is that?

- It's a Snickers sorbet milkshake.

I added the sorbet to be healthier.

- I truly don't understand you.

That's a really great color for you.

- What do you want?

- I need you to come to therapy with me tomorrow.

- You're serious, like, I'm letting you stay here,

you really want me to go to therapy with you tomorrow,

are you crazy?

- It's the only way they'll keep sending me out on

job interviews.

- If I go to therapy with you?

- No, but I've already used my first visit's

free and now we can use yours.

The sooner I get a job, the sooner I'm gone.

- Admit you have nowhere else to go.

- You had to wear the shorts.

- When I wear jeans my butt gets sweaty.

- Where is he?

He was almost a half hour late the last time I was here,

he was in the bathroom.

- Please stop talking.

- [Therapist] Mary, it's good to see you again.

- Oh, you're wearing glasses.

- [Therapist] I am.

- I like them.

- Thank you.

This must be the clown magician?

- Yes, this is Homer.

The clown magician.

And we are actually here together as a couple,

so your first time is free, that would apply for him

too right, cause he's a new client?

- Yeah, sure, I don't see why not.

- Excellent honey.

- Good, I thought we'd have to pay.

- What brought you in today?

- He's shy.

He's shy, so I was thinking we could start with something

with us and my stuff, and then he could see how it works

so I was...

I had a plan, I was actually hoping we could--

- Actually, I'd like to get to know Homer a little better.

- It's okay, really, she seems determined.

- [Therapist] And how does that make you feel?

- Her being determined?

- [Therapist] Mm hmm.

- I don't think-- - [Therapist] Does it excite you?

Does it inspire you?

Are you a determined person Homer?

- I don't know, I've never really seen myself

as determined.

- [Therapist] What's stopping you?

- What's not?

- [Therapy] Mary, can we give Homer

some space to answer the question?

What do you think it would take for you to

get off the couch, so to speak,

and live in this determined life that's full of drive

and passion.

- It seems like that would take a lot, and I don't even

know where to start.

- He is correct there.

Take a lot, but you know what wouldn't take a lot?

Figuring out how I'm gonna get my next job

so that we can actually continue our relationship

but from different places to live.

- You came here for couple's therapy,

and your goal is to live in separate homes?

Away from each other?

- [Mary] I wouldn't use that word.

- [Homer] Yes. - What word?

Relationships or home?

I'm confused.

You said you were a couple.

- [Homer] I actually feel a little better, thank you.

- [Mary] I'm so glad, he seemed to really like you.

At least someone got help today.

- [Homer] I know, I think he gave some really great advice.

- [Mary] What like get off your ass?

- [Voiceover] Why do you want to be an architect?

- My mom was an architect.

Well, she went to school to become an architect.

And when I was little I used to love losing myself

in her designs.

- Does she work here in the city?

What firm is she with?

- She works overseas.

- Oh.

- I used to collect all her old models, and I would

add to them through the years.

When nothing seemed to be going right,

I would focus on creating this hypothetical beauty.

I loved it.

[chuckles] It was our shared passion.

- Sounds like it still is.

- I want a chance to bring beauty like that to life.

- Do you have some of your work with you?

- It burned.

In a fire.

- Can't seem to find your resume.

Where'd you graduate from?

- I didn't graduate.

I had to leave after the first semester.

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

- You don't look fine.

- I'm just having a hard time.

I applied for a small internship at this

architecture firm, and they turned me away

because I didn't have a degree.

- Is that what you want to be, an architect?

- That's what I went to school for.

But then my grandmother got sick.

And I had to leave after the first semester.

That's all I ever wanted to do.

But at this point it's kind of a joke.

- Why?

- Because it's never gonna happen.

- I thought you had to make it happen.

Why don't you go back to school?

- With what money?

[dishes clanging]

[water running]

What happened to your Captain Crunch?

- I'm moving on.

- How'd you get my sketchbook?

- I bought it back from the guy.

I could tell it meant a lot to you.

- Thanks.

- Um...

I'm gonna enter the comedy competition,

and if I win, I'm gonna split the money with you, but,

you need to promise you're gonna use that money to go

back to school.

- You said it's not for you.

- Changed my mind.

- You're not even funny, are you?

My nanny kids didn't seem to think so.

- Well I mean, that's a different situation, those kids

obviously have issues.

- Have you ever done this before?

- Help me, and I'll split the money with you.

- If you win.

- Do we have a deal?

- Fine.

- Shake on it.

You have to promise I won't make a fool out of myself.

- Actually I think that's all comedy is.

Just do that.

- [laughs] Maybe you should get on stage, that's funny.

- [Mary] Right.

- [Comedian] So anyway, I'm talking to this guy,

and like, you can't even do your job, you can't

even do your freaking job.

Do your job-- - Why am I doing this?

- You have to practice.

- I don't have any good material yet.

- Just make something up.

Oh, you're up.

Okay, you can do this, just say something

this was your idea, practice.

Go!

[sparse laughs]

- Hey everybody!

Um...

- Hey you know people they have these

stupid sayings, like,

"We're gonna party till the cows come home!"

Really?

You got cows living at your house?

Where do they sleep?

- Okay, um...

Da, da, da, da, da.

- I was hoping that I would be the only one

wearing a blue shirt, but uh, fella in the back's

also wearing a blue shirt, so I guess this

class has the blues.

- Thank you, thank you.

Goodnight.

- Don't take ecstasy before you go to church.

- I like to fart on airplanes.

- I just celebrated my anniversary

of not having a boyfriend.

That's right, I'm single, guys calm down.

[sparse claps]

All right, I'll take numbers after the show.

It's pretty awesome though being single,

there are advantages, like I don't have to

take the Domino's Pizza sign off my car after work.

When I wake up in the morning, and the bed's wet,

I know it's me.

I can help my friend's husbands, and their kids,

as long as they are 12 and over, 11 is just creepy.

I went out with a 10 year old, he didn't pay for anything.

[laughing]

- So I mean then the joke's like...

I don't know it's kind of based around how the Koreans

run all the nail salons.

- [Adam] Honey, I'm home!

- Wow, man, I thought you were coming home

later tonight.

- Well, I was able to catch an earlier flight,

actually.

Who's this?

- This is Mary.

- Hi.

- Hi Mary.

Little Mary's making herself quite at home here, huh?

The cereal, and the feet up on the coffee table?

- Yeah.

Uh, she's actually my life coach.

- You brought a life coach to come and live with you?

- Yeah, I mean it was just temporary man.

I was gonna call you.

- Yeah, you should of, but uh...

- [Homer] I meant to call you about that earlier.

- Earlier?

How long have you had a life coach for?

- Not long.

- Okay, well look as long as

there haven't been any life coach fluids

exchanged between you two crazy kids

all over my furniture, then I'm fine with that,

that's cool.

Nice to meet you.

- [Homer] Yeah, no, she's uh...

She's not like that at all.

Um, yeah no she's a professional.

- Yeah, hey well look man honestly,

he likes you,

I'm just really happy to hear that you're taking

proactive steps to kind of get your life in order,

because you were really starting to become a strain

on everybody around you.

So, I'm glad, where'd you get this, is this cotton?

- [Homer] Goodwill.

- That's Goodwill?

It's nice man, actually, I don't know.

Yeah but, whether it's her or whoever

I'm just happy that you're back on the horse dude,

so...

Seriously.

But I'm home now, right, the master's back in the castle,

so you two can split, okay?

So thanks for playing, namaste Mary, nice to meet you.

Just clean that cereal bowl up when you're done.

Phew, what is this?

Got this.

- Uh, actually man, we're really close to finding a place.

- Oh yeah, you and the life coach?

- Yeah no, her name's Mary, we just can't

move in till the end of the month.

- [Adam] I feel like three's kind of a crowd.

- Or it could be company.

- Huh, sorry that was a joke,

you were joking?

What'd you say?

Doesn't matter, I'm sorry man, my brain has been

so fried, just cause I've been working nonstop,

I've just been work, work, work, work, work, it's been

a hell of a, Bobby,

not on the cou...

Mary we really gotta make sure he's not on this,

okay, this is a really nice couch, wouldn't want to ruin it

he's got sort of an unpredictable bladder, all right,

look if you guys don't mind looking after Bob,

and if you guys want to split the couch or something,

then, yeah you guys can stay, I can make that arrangement

work, I'm gonna be working most nights anyway and when

I'm not I'll be over at the Yoga Center, doing my um--

- Bikram.

- Bikram, which I love, to sweat that out.

So uh, that's fine, that's okay with me, yeah?

Good, okay.

- Um, well...

Cool man, thanks.

I uh...

Yeah, you won't even know we're here.

- [Adam] That'd be perfect.

Hey, would you mind fixing his uh...

Pulling his hat down over his eye?

Yeah, my little Dogtonio Banderas.

[laughs]

- Cute.

Thank you!

- You didn't tell him about me?

- Well I just told him right now.

- You told him I was your life coach.

- It's the best I could do, I bought us

till the end of the month.

- To be his dog walker.

- I know how to handle him.

- Are you gonna tell him you're entering the competition?

Take him out, and talk to him.

- What?

- You want me to be your life coach?

Fine, take him out and talk to him.

Say you need some insider information on the competition,

you need all the help you can get.

- Trust me, I can handle this.

- You know what, I'm gonna go too.

- No, no.

- You won't even know I'm there.

- Okay, chill out James Bond, we're not doing that.

- I'll figure out if he has an in for you,

or if you really stand a chance.

- No.

I got this.

Thanks for meeting me here man, I know it's

your first night back but, I was really hoping

to get some advice.

- Hey, you know how I feel about giving advice.

It's like who the hell am I to offer anybody advice.

I'm just another hard-working American, just like the rest

of us, doing my thing, working on my show,

living the dream, you know, hey how do you like Bobby?

Do you know that I rescued him from this local

shelter up where we were shooting?

- Cool.

- I only want to spend my time with him right now,

it's like my new toy slash life partner lover thing.

It's like this crazy thing.

But, I'm torn cause, you know, work takes up

so much of my time, so much of my mental energy,

it drains me emotionally in a way,

but they told me that they were gonna put him down.

And I was like I don't think I could even live with myself

if I knew that that was happening,

or that I was in the proximity of that happening.

- [Homer] The dog is cute.

- I mean, look at that face, how do you kill a face like that?

You let this thing die of natural causes.

Little Fred Astaire bow tie like that?

Cute.

- Yeah he's great.

- Hey, did I tell you that

our show got nominated for a People's Choice Award?

So that's pretty cool, right?

- No you didn't tell me that, that's great,

congratulations man.

- Thank you man, thank you.

It's been a long road.

- Not really, you sold that show within a year

of moving out here.

- No, that was Who's In My Bedroom?

That's Not My Bra took some work.

So what did you want to talk to me about anyway?

- Well actually I was thinking--

- Is it about that life coach, Melanie?

- Her name is Mary.

- Mary, yeah, she seems all right, by the way, I like her,

you know, hot little body, nice head of red hair,

decent teeth.

Yeah, where'd you find her by the way?

- Uh, I found her at Whole Foods.

- Whole Foods?

Get out of here, you found a life coach at Whole Foods?

- Yeah, like on one of those cork boards,

she had a thing up.

- Okay--

- So, like a poster.

- Okay, and you just kinda pulled the tab?

- [Homer] Yeah I ripped her phone number off.

- Ah, you ripped it huh?

Yeah you did.

- She's actually been really helpful.

She's inspired me to give comedy another try.

- Like...

Comedy comedy?

- Yeah.

[laughs]

- Mm hmm, mm hmm.

[laughs]

Sorry, I...

I just thought that we talked about this?

We did it together when we were kids, and we

kind of joked about doing it out here,

we moved and I got lucky, well combination lucky

and extremely hard work, and life proved that

it had other plans for you.

- You know those fliers you asked me to put up?

- Yeah, you did that right?

Did you hit the Comedy Barn?

Because they have a lot of good newcomers there--

- I'm thinking about entering.

- Entering the Comedy Barn, no you just walk right through

the front door, that's fine.

The manager Tommy, if you drop my name, if you say that,

"Adam wants me to flier this place."

- I've been thinking about entering the contest.

Your contest, I'm thinking about entering, I want to give

comedy another shot.

- Is this because of that girl Melissa, or Marnie or whatever?

- Her name is Mary.

- Okay, relax, she's pulling the strings on this?

You know, cause there's a lot of other ways to

meet women, bro.

You should come to yoga with me honestly,

want to come to bikram?

- Are you saying I can't do the competition?

- No, I'm not saying you can't do it, I just,

I don't want you to get destroyed, you know,

that's all, I mean this is for

professionals with careers that are on the rise,

sort of young up and comers, kind of thing.

I mean didn't you develop like,

crippling stage fright?

You know, I just don't want this to set you back,

I mean you might end up more depressed when you

see the kind of talent that you'd be up against.

Well look man, you know, I'm not your mom so do whatever

you want, I'm not gonna stop you, you know, do whatever you want.

- Cool.

- Yeah.

- Cool.

- All right, you got to, uh, oh you got this?

Okay, awesome.

Hey, what'd you want to talk to me about?

That girl Mavis?

What the hell is her name?

I'll just have another [mumbles] please.

- [Mary] You know how to handle him?

- Well what the hell, you threw me off.

- He's an idiot.

- So now what?

- We win that fucking competition.

Come on.

[calm music]

[growling]

- Boop.

Hey, Homer.

Yo, Homer.

Do you know any like funny, guy next door types

I might be able to use for an upcoming part on my show?

It's kind of a major part so, I'd like to use someone

really funny.

Uh, and I would do it myself, but

I don't know, it just feels weird this time.

Do you know someone?

- [Mary] Homer can do it.

- Huh?

I'm sorry, what?

- [Mary] Homer can play the part in your show.

- What part?

- Your friend, he needs a funny type,

why not you?

- Oh, I'm not an actor.

- Yeah, he's not really an actor.

You know he's got that terrible performance anxiety.

And plus this guy needs to be like funny.

- Well Homer can do that, I've seen your

stupid show, and he can do what those people

are doing, probably better.

He's funny, you would know that if you were paying attention.

Watch some of your high school videos.

- You guys have been watching my high school videos?

- She doesn't know what she's talking about.

- I just feel like you might be overstepping your

life coach boundaries here, Mary.

- Okay, I'm not a life coach.

I'm somebody he got fired when he forced me to smoke pot

at a 10 year old's birthday party.

So, that's done.

No life coach.

- Oh boy, oh boy, I feel betrayed,

stunned, forsaken,

so I've been housing you guys here under false pretenses,

is that what you're saying?

That I've been exploited, my hospitality and my kindness

has been exploited by a close friend and a not life coach?

I've literally opened my door to you, and my heart to you,

and my soul to you, and you have squatted,

taken down your pants, and shat on that.

You have shat on that trust.

The two of you have collectively taken deep dark shits

all over my trust.

Plus smoking is bad for the lungs, and honestly,

it causes the munchies, and do you need to be munching?

Is one thing that you should probably keep in mind,

before you take a toke.

[breathes deeply]

Okay, listen to me very closely, here's what we're gonna do,

the two of you assholes are gonna pack up your shit,

and get the f out of my h.

Get out.

Unbelievable.

But thank you for watching my show, we need

all the viewers we can get.

Hey, if you guys get bored, you could just

rummage through some more of my deeply

personal belongings.

I think my passport and my god damn

Social Security card should be here somewhere.

- I'm too in shock to kill you.

I told you, I know how to handle him.

- You never told me you had performance anxiety.

- You saw my last gig.

- That was not a gig,

that was an open mic night.

You told me you were just out of practice,

from your high school days.

- Well, what are we gonna do?

[cell phone ringing]

- Hello?

Hi Steven.

Starting today?

- I thought you said we were going to lunch?

- There's a flower shop on the first floor,

bring him some flowers.

- Are you serious?

The man's impossible, I can't win with him.

He's not a nice guy.

- Tell him if he tries any bullshit that he can't

hurt you anymore.

Trust me.

You'll be glad you did when he's dead.

We'll wait here, then we can get lunch.

That was fast.

- Yep, all good.

- I'm sure he was happy to see you.

[calm piano]

- [Homer] I want to live here.

- Okay, give me another.

- I think shredded lettuce is funny.

- I don't see it.

- Like you know when you go to a sandwich shop

and they skip out on all the ingredients, and then

when it comes time for the lettuce, they just empty

a dump truck full of it onto your sandwich.

How's that not funny?

- I don't see it, it's not funny.

- I once yelled at a woman after I saved her life.

- I don't get it.

- Okay I'll put that in the maybe column.

I thought it was funny, I think if I explain it.

- Come on, next.

- Why am I doing this?

He kicked us out.

- Anyone can enter.

There are judges.

- Yeah, and what about stage fright?

- Take a Xanax.

- All right.

- It's awfully quiet up there.

- Maybe she's in her coffin.

- Will you go tell her dinner's ready?

- Emma, dinner's ready!

- Okay, will you go up there and tell her

dinner's ready?

[knocking]

- Hey, it's time for dinner.

[knocking]

Emma, it's time to eat, we're having pasta.

[crickets chirping]

- What do you mean she's gone?

- Vampires have a way of sneaking around.

- This isn't funny.

- Trust me, she's gonna turn up.

- She's gonna turn up?

She's gonna turn up?

What is she gonna turn up dead in the pool?

- All right.

- [Mary] I'm fucked.

- Look, I'm sure she just realized she's not

cool enough to hang out with us, and decided

to skip town for a bit.

- Skip town?

Where would she skip town to, we're in the desert.

What'd she hitchhike to the outlet mall at

nine o'clock at night?

I have to call the police.

Oh my god, I haven't even worked a full day.

You realize no amount of therapy is gonna help me

get a nanny gig after this?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Just close your eyes.

- I don't have time for this.

- Just do it.

Close your eyes.

Now I want you to realize something.

You are getting paid.

- I haven't gotten paid yet.

- You are getting paid to stay in a really cool

house in the desert with a fully stocked pantry,

and wet bar.

Let the little vampire girl have her fun.

She's probably just out hanging out with other

private school vampires with second homes in the

desert, she'll come back.

Didn't you ever sneak out when your mom left town?

- No, my mom killed herself,

and I was too young to know what sneaking off was,

and I liked my grandmother who raised me,

so I never snuck off.

Unless it was to my room to read.

I have a long time how I survived.

[glasses tinging]

What are you doing?

- To dead,

and dying parents.

- That is twisted.

- And to a vampire-free weekend in the sun.

Come on.

Come on.

- Fuck it.

[glasses ting]

[laughing]

[Back to the Life by Spoon]

♪ Son you must go back to the life.

♪ Go pack your bags, take up your scythe.

♪ Cause this world wasn't meant for us both.

♪ Who made the night, who made the day?

♪ Who gave you life, who gave you say?

♪ I said this world wasn't meant for us both.

[shouts]

[water splashes]

- I'll have a vodka soda.

- Nice.

I'll have a Malibu coke.

- I should probably check your ID.

- [Homer] Nice.

- Thank you.

Hey it's your birthday, happy birthday!

- What?

Are you...

Give me this.

Holy shit it's your 30th birthday.

- Which is a birthday just like any other birthday.

Please, keep it down.

- No, I will not keep it down, hey everyone,

it's her birthday, if we could just all sing

in the key of E, ha--

- All right, okay, that's enough.

We're fine, really.

Okay, thanks, just the drinks.

No singing.

- Hey, attention everyone,

yeah, turn up your hearing aids here, we have a special

birthday lady in the house, she turned 30, - Nope, that's okay.

- Which is

as young as some of your great, great grandchildren.

[laughs] - [Mary] It's not funny.

- It is funny, they can't hear me.

Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?

That's ridiculous.

What do you want for your birthday?

- Is this thing on?

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up

for the one, the only,

Homer Seinfeld, that's it, chug that drink.

- All right.

- Hey!

- All right, well, um,

this is probably the worst birthday gift

that you could ask for.

Palm Springs!

Can you hear me or do you need to turn up

your hearing aids?

[laughs]

Uh, let's see, well I have narcolepsy,

but only in one of my legs.

It's always asleep, just walking around.

[snores]

Why are you making me do this?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Growing up my parents made me wear

corduroy huskie pants all the time, and as a fat kid,

you know, you walk around, you just get this zip, zip, zip, zip.

So much a lot of friction down in the leg area,

like flames were bursting out of my pants, it's,

I don't know why my parents let me do that, I mean

it's back in the 80's back when child abuse was expected.

[cough]

Well, that was a cough, not sure that was a laugh,

I think that was a cough, I'll take it, thank you.

[laughing]

- You did it!

- I did it!

I did it at the geriatric bar of West Palm Springs.

- Doesn't matter you did it.

- Yeah I did.

[screams]

Whoa.

[laughs]

Oh...

What were you like as a kid?

- No psychology please.

- I'm just trying to have an adult conversation,

might get some good material out of it.

- It was fine I guess.

My mom died when I was 10.

In the middle of her last year of architecture school.

- I'm sorry.

- I envy happy people.

I don't know how they do it.

My family has a grand tradition

of succumbing to depression,

and my

mom followed in my grandfather's footsteps.

My grandmother insisted that meds were the only

way to beat it, which my mom refused to take.

- Do you take any medication?

- Yeah.

I'm not proud of it.

My grandmother used to say,

"If you had diabetes you would take your insulin right?"

I never bought it though.

I'm still convinced it's a choice.

- Then why are you depressed?

I don't know, part of me thinks

I should be back on meds.

My dad came home to find me bleeding out

in the bath tub my freshman year.

They called an ambulance, that was the last time

we talked about it.

And Adam moved to our town the next year, and

we became friends, we were the class clowns.

I was goofing off getting into trouble making people laugh.

Laughing at ourselves.

It was good to laugh again.

- Why is he such a douche bag?

- Adam or my dad?

[laughs]

- You should stop talking about shredded lettuce

in your set and start talking about these people.

- Eh, people don't wanna hear about that.

- You'd be surprised.

- It's not funny.

- Find a way to make it funny.

People can relate more than you think.

Where's your mom in all of this?

- Do you want a drink?

- Why not?

- [Homer] Yeah.

[laughs]

- Okay.

- Let's talk about your love life.

- What about it?

- Do you date?

- Nope.

Not anymore.

Nothing I love seems to last so what's the point?

Couple one night stands every now and again

helps pacify the itch.

Everyone here is so depressed.

If I married a depressed person, do you know how

awful that would be, that would be so fucked up.

Oh, you hear that world?

I am fine with my depressed spinsterhood.

I am fine.

Let's dance.

Come on.

Dance with me.

Let's dance.

- You're naked.

- Who cares?

Come on, dance with me.

Who's the stick in the mud now, Mr. Seinfeld?

- You do realize my last name's not Seinfeld right?

- Are you scared?

[touching piano]

- Happy birthday.

We gonna talk about last night?

- There's nothing to talk about.

- Oh, okay.

I seem to remember you begging me to dance with you.

- It was a moment in time, we were drunk,

we had fun right?

- Right.

- I can't start something now,

now or ever, I don't have my shit together.

I'm miserable.

And then you would be miserable, and then you would leave.

I don't even have a job after today.

I gotta find that kid.

- So that's it?

[door opens]

Welcome back.

You've got some blood on your fangs.

- He doesn't mean it.

[gentle piano]

- Hm.

- I'll walk the dog morning, noon, and night.

- One more week?

- Apologize.

- We're sorry.

- Yeah, you're lucky I'm a yogi.

- Do you want to rehearse tonight?

- I can't.

- Okay.

- You need to end with the funny part.

- The mechanics of joke telling.

- Yes, there you go.

- I just need better material, like good stuff that,

like that baby dinosaur joke you have is hilarious,

like I want more stuff...

- You like that one?

- I'll buy it off of you, I love it, are you kidding

it's hilarious.

- I don't know, I just, there needs to be

more to it, more meat.

- [Homer] It's great.

- [Comedian] Thank you.

- [Homer] I mean that, I'm not just trying to sleep with you.

- [Comedian] [chuckles] I feel like you are.

[laughs]

And I will by the way.

- Yes! - Maybe.

It just needs that one

thing that hooks.

- Well that's what you're here for, you're supposed

to tell me--

- I'm trying to find it!

- I need good jokes like you have, that baby dinosaur

joke's hysterical.

Needs more of a punch?

- It needs a punch too.

- Why don't you punch the baby dinosaur?

- All right, see there finally you have a good idea.

- I don't know, I just find shredded lettuce to be funny.

[laughs]

- Hi, Homer, can I talk to you for a second?

- Oh hey, this is Zoey, Zoey, this is Mary.

Zoey's hilarious, she's in my class.

We're working on some new material.

- New material?

- You can never have enough material.

- Trying to get it good.

- I know, right? [chuckles]

- That's right.

Can I talk to you in the kitchen?

- One sec.

- Okay.

- Don't forget the one about the old couple.

- Oh yes, thank you.

- That brings the house down.

What's up?

- I thought we were gonna work on your set tonight?

- We are, I thought you were gonna be at work

so I invited Zoey over after class, it's not a big deal.

- Hey Homer!

- One second.

- Are you jealous?

- Are you serious?

- Look, even if this were a thing, which it is not,

you said Palm Springs was a one time let's forget our

problems and escape thing.

- I did say that.

- So then what's the issue?

- The issue is there is some random girl

sitting on the couch that I sleep on helping you

with your set, which is partially mine.

- Your set, okay.

- You asked me to help you.

Please get her out of here.

- No worries, kids, I got a yoga class at 10,

so Homer, great work today.

- Yeah, you too.

- All right, bye.

- You should introduce her to Adam.

They could hit some great yoga positions together.

- Mm, I never pegged you for the jealous type.

- I'm not jealous, I'd just like to finish what we started.

Making it happen, something you don't seem to know

much about.

- What the hell are you talking about?

Whose idea was this in the first place?

- Are you upset that you fell into the

one night stand category?

- No.

- For the record, it doesn't count unless you ask a girl

to dinner, and you never asked me that, so it's past.

Over, let's rehearse.

- No.

- We had a deal.

- I don't care.

I'll write you a check if I win.

- But I have to do my part.

- Your part, that's what you gotta do?

Did your mom not finishing architecture school

send you on this fucking rampage where you gotta make sure

everyone you meet in life finishes what they start?

Huh?

Is that why you're so fucking bossy, what's the real

issue here Mary?

Can't be the money, what's holding you back?

- At least my goal isn't to write for some base level

crap of a sitcom.

- Yeah, well maybe the real problem isn't that people

leave you it's that you fucking push them away!

- Why don't you grow some balls and actually go

visit your father while he's still alive?

At least you have one?

- And a bitter passive aggressive nanny is back,

hello, welcome back.

Think it's time you handle your own shit.

[glass breaks]

[knocking]

Hey pops.

It's been a while.

The nurse said you weren't doing too good and,

I'm sorry I couldn't make it sooner.

I'm gonna do stand up tonight.

There's gonna be a lot of people there,

I'm kind of nervous.

- What are you gonna talk about?

- Um...

I'm gonna start off with a bit about

when you go to the store...

You remember that thing that you said

that would always make mom laugh?

- No, no. [coughs]

No, your mother never...

Never liked it when you tried to be funny.

She said it made her anxious.

- I don't think mom said that.

- Isn't that what you said Derdra?

Mm.

She came home right after you tried to kill yourself.

- What?

- Your mother came to the house and...

You were in the hospital so I told her what you did.

And that's when she left us for good.

She couldn't bear to look at you

lying there so pathetic.

[hacking and coughing]

- I am very clearly the deadbeat brother, okay?

Like, believe me when I tell you there is a taller,

better looking version of me out there, who knows how

to access his bank statement electronically and has

money in his account.

I am the Wayne to the Wonder Years' Kevin Arnold,

okay?

[laughing]

- [Voiceover] You've reached Mary, please leave a message. - Shit.

- Okay guys, give me your cards, your intro cards.

Good, good, okay, hey where's yours?

Come on--

- I'm not ready.

- Stage fright?

- No, please, just let a few more go.

[calm indie music]

- [Voiceover] You've reached Mary, please leave a message.

- There's this group of people who got together to save

the Hollywood sign to keep it from getting torn down.

So they raised millions and millions of dollars to save

this sign, and they refer to themselves as activists.

So just imagine these activists talking with other

activists who are doing real things, like they are

at a party, and they're like,

"I just got back from Darfur where we provided

"a poor village with mosquito nets."

And the Hollywood activists are like,

"Yeah, well you see that sign up there?

"You're welcome!"

[audience laughs] Thank you that's my time.

[applause]

- Fantastic, thank you, oh my god

I love that Hollywood sign, though.

I love that sign.

[laughing]

Right?

- Oh my god, so good

- Thank you, kill it all right?

- Okay.

All right, okay.

- That's Not My Bra would not be what it is today

which is a bonafide, international television sensation,

am I right?

[applause]

Right?

Fantastic, thank you guys so much,

give yourselves a round of applause for supporting me!

[applause]

Supporting me!

[laughs] I love that Hollywood sign.

- [Voiceover] You've reached Mary-- - But he

is a persistent little bugger, and he weasled

his way in here somehow, so god bless him for that.

Okay, now, his credits include,

Comedy Central, yeah?

Okay, HBO, that's a lie, that's a bold-faced lie.

And the upcoming Bob Newhart tribute, which is

definitely not upcoming, so thanks for that.

Please welcome to the stage, my old high school friend,

Homer, okay...

Homer Cosby.

Homer Cosby, yeah.

[applause]

Oh, here is now.

Come on, yeah, just needs a little bit of coaxing.

Come on.

[laughs] Good.

Don't fuck this up man.

- Don't be an ass man.

Namaste.

- Okay, hilarious.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

- Hi.

[coughs]

What's going on with shredded lettuce?

You order a sandwich at a sandwich shop,

and they dump a truck full of shredded lettuce

on your sandwich.

Isn't that ridiculous?

I don't know.

Fuck it.

My uh...

Dad just told me my mom left us because of me.

That's so shitty it's cliche.

It's like,

"Hey dad, did you not want to molest me too?

"Or did you feel like that was bad parenting?"

Like where's your limit?

[laughing]

Help me out here, just as a group,

if we could just help stick together on this,

when are we gonna stop letting that one friend we all have

treat us like shit?

At what point do we say that's enough?

Like when I go to the post office, and I got the

little claim slip, and I give it to the guy,

and he gives me that look like he wants to

kill me cause now he's gotta go do his job and go

in the back and find my stupid package.

When someone gives me that look,

my response is usually,

"Best friends forever."

Like I'm drawn to this.

I don't know why.

Why do I keep going back to that well?

Cause I think I just want what everyone else wants in life,

I just want to be loved, and I want to love, I just want to

feel like I belong to something and to someone.

You know what I want is a montage.

That's what, I want a romantic movie montage

for my life, wouldn't that be great?

That'd be so cool, like I just want to be in the park

at a picnic and lay my head in her lap, and I wanna giggle...

[giggles]

Like how adorable is that?

Tell me you wouldn't make love to that.

[laughing]

That's adorable.

I want a montage, I want a montage of us buying t-shirts

together and painting a house, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt

shows up and pats me on the back and tells me I'm,

"Kicking ass."

And she's the one girl that's not attracted to him,

cause she's attracted to me.

[laughing]

And I just want to say, "In your face Jo Jo."

[laughing]

That's what I would like.

That would be great, a little montage.

I almost had one, this close, I don't know if they exist,

but we were this close.

I don't know what happened, it didn't turn out the way

I thought it would.

But...

Who knows where we are now.

I don't know, I'm here, she's...

I don't know.

Damn it, you know.

I just need to...

I need to grow a spine.

Like I got a weak, shitty spine.

And I need to grow a new spine over the weak,

old, like just put it right there.

The problem is I'm a little fatter now

than when I first got my spine, so I'm sure this new

spine's gonna be too big, it's gonna like cover the other

one, it's gonna like hang down it's gonna look like

I have a tail [laughing]

or something.

I don't know, that would actually be kinda cool

if you had a tail.

"Oh my god, Jessica, I'm dating this great guy right now.

"He's so funny, he has great hair, he's loving,

"and kind, and he giggles."

"What, that sounds perfect."

"Yeah, and he has a tail."

"A what, a tail?

"Like he's got a story, like a backstory?

"Like a tale to tell?"

"No, he's got a fucking tail.

"Like a...

"It hits me in the face."

"Ew."

Cut to me in the corner just wagging my tail.

"Hi, I'll take a biscuit."

[laughing]

I was so depressed, I couldn't get off the couch.

Someone once told me that two depressed people

shouldn't end up together, they shouldn't.

I said, "Why not?"

We could both be together, we could both

grow new excessive spines together, we could be happy,

we could have tails.

[laughing]

Just each other.

That would be great, then we could have our montage.

You know, like look I get it, I'm not Matthew McConaughey,

okay it's not gonna be a Matthew McConaughey montage.

He has washboard abs, I have this.

[laughing]

I ate Matthew McConaughey.

[laughing]

- Okay, hilarious, hilarious, Homer Cosby

ladies and germs, Homer Cosby here.

Yeah, okay, whoa.

Fun, that's fun, okay you guys seem to like his material

for the most part huh?

Okay, anyway, that's cool, not jealous.

Listen, that's gonna be the end of our

entertainment for the evening, I'm gonna confirm

with the judges...

[somber piano]

- Excuse me, do you have any Snicker flavored lattes?

- I'm sorry?

- [chuckles] Hi.

- Hi.

- Wow.

I waited a long time to run into you.

I went to the vampire's house, she said you weren't there,

I think she was covering for you.

She turned into a bat and flew away.

[chuckles]

You look great.

- Thank you.

- [Homer] How long you worked here?

- Six months.

Actually, saving up for classes.

- Really?

- Architecture school.

- Look at you, that's great.

- Excuse me.

Can I order, or...

- Just one minute.

I never got a chance to say thanks.

- It's okay.

- No, it's not.

Thank you.

- What have you been up to?

- Working on my own show.

Got my own place, my own dog.

- Hey is there a manager or someone else

that can take an order?

I just want a coffee.

- Seriously dude?

- Yeah, seriously.

- Seriously, I'm in the middle of ordering.

I will order in a moment.

- I should probably help him.

- [Homer] Yeah, you're gonna get in trouble.

I'm sorry, I should go too.

- Do you want a coffee?

- Yeah.

- Good to see you.

- It was good to see you.

Hi.

[breathes deeply]

- Who was that guy?

- Just some guy I knew for three weeks

a long time ago.

- Well, he left you a huge tip.

- You're crazy.

- We had a deal.

- Did you even win?

- It doesn't matter.

Just take the money, go get your degree.

It's not gonna pay for all your schooling,

but it'll help.

I want to see your buildings populate this

entire city.

You gotta make it happen, right?

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

That was a long shift.

- What are you still doing here?

- I'm not gonna leave.

I'm not gonna be miserable, and I'm not gonna leave.

I came back to ask you something I should've

asked a very long time ago.

[A Simple Thing by Freddie and Francine]