Original subtitles

Get up.

Come on, get up.

I'm up, I'm up.

Some days, I don't even have to look at my watch.

See that?

I have to piddle so badly.

I think I'll have French toast for breakfast.

I used to love French toast when I was a kid.

Can't get good bread anymore... all that white, pasty crap.

I'll have eggs.

How can she sleep like that?

Look at her.

Well, she's got nothing on her mind.

What does she care?

I could kick her... she wouldn't wake up.

Watch.

Incredible.

Her skin feels nice...

smooth and warm.

43 years old... she's still built pretty good.

Look at this... 8:00 in the morning, I'm getting sexy.

A lot of good it'll do me.

Thelma?

Thelma, you feel romantic?

Huh?

I'll have oatmeal.

Haven't had oatmeal in a long time.

Looks cold out.

Oh, God, I hate the winter.

All I need is snow today.

That'll really kill business.

Please, God, don't let it snow.

Thank you, God. Amen.

I look older than yesterday.

Tomorrow, I'll look older than today.

Another few years, it's over.

Please, God, don't let it be over yet.

Let something terrific happen... anything, God...

just as long as it's something. Amen.

That's it. Sit here.

Spend a whole life sitting on the expressway.

Sorry!

What are you sorry for?

You're always the one who's sorry.

"Blow it out your keester, Charlie."

That's what I should've said.

That's pretty.

So many pretty girls today.

When I was a kid, there was maybe six, seven pretty girls.

Today, they're all pretty.

Nothing... like I wasn't there.

If I was a football player,

she'd throw me her phone number and pay my toll.

Sorry. Full up.

- Okay, it's me. - Well, we're full up, mister.

What are you talking about?

I'm the guy from the restaurant.

- I always park here. - Oh, yeah.

I didn't recognize you, Mister, uh...

Cashman. Barney Cashman.

Three years I been parking in this place.

You don't recognize me yet?

I-I'm bad on names.

Uh, to me, you're just a 1971 black Chrysler.

I'm not even a person anymore.

I'm a 1971 black Chrysler.

Look how they dress today: purple suits.

Wonder how I'd look in a purple suit.

I would look like a 45-year-old idiot in a purple suit.

Hey!

What are you, crazy? Almost killed me!

Sorry. I didn't see you.

You didn't see me?! I'm standing right here!

I got a hat and coat and brown shoes on!

How can you miss me?

I missed you. I didn't notice you.

I could rob a bank, nobody would look up.

Oh, that's pretty.

That's gorgeous.

Standing next to me is a gorgeous person.

Say something.

Tell her how beautiful she is.

What's she going to do, call a cop?

Maybe she'll say thank you.

Maybe she's lonely, divorced,

doesn't know anybody in New York.

You're the first person who's talked to her.

Tell her quickly, idiot! The light is changing!

- Excuse me. - Yes?

Which way is Fifth Avenue?

Uh, that way.

God, what if somebody saw me.

I must be crazy.

I got a wife, a family, a good business.

Forget it. Thank you, God.

Thank you for saving me. Amen.

Good morning, Mr. Cashman.

Cold enough for you?

Yes, Mickey, it's cold enough for me.

The paper says snow.

Uh, be good weather if you're a duck.

If you're a duck.

If you're a duck. That's funny.

That's good, Mickey.

Go sweep in the corners.

Good morning, Mr. Cashman.

How many times do I have to tell you

to tell Mickey to put his teeth in?

This is a restaurant; people eat here.

They get nauseous if there's a man with no teeth.

I tell him, he doesn't hear.

The-the ladies' toilet is stuffed up again.

Why do they wait to brush their hair in my toilets?

Call the plumber. What else?

Your mother called.

- What did she want? - Sympathy.

She has a pain in her right side.

Call her and tell her I said, "Oh, my God.

That's terrible."

People are on planes flying to Paris,

and I'm busy with stuffed-up toilets.

I don't want to hear about your broken delivery truck!

I don't have any clean linen!

I got... I got people here

with lemon and butter sauce all over their fingers.

What are they supposed to wipe their hands on, each other?

No, no, no, no, don't tell me paper napkins!

I got a high-class restaurant here!

Put 'em in a taxi.

What's the matter with the clams?

- A man says they're sandy. - The man's crazy.

We don't have sandy clams.

He's not crazy. These clams are sandy.

Metz, wash the sand out of the clams, for God's sake!

What is this, Rockaway Beach?

And the woman at 27 wants to see you.

What's the matter with 27?

She just wants to see you.

It's her again. Fourth time this week.

What's a good-looking woman like that

eating fish four times a week for?

She likes fish, that's why.

What'd you think it was, you?

She finds you so attractive, she can't stay away?

She's not looking for romance.

She's looking for a nice lobster tail.

Still, it would be nice: for one afternoon in your life

to get to know someone like that...

to share a few intimate moments.

Is that too much to ask of life?

Yeah, it's too much.

Go on, smile at her.

Say, "Anything I can do for you?"

She'll say, "My clam chowder's cold." Watch.

Anything I can do for you?

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Crazy. I must be crazy.

Why am I doing this?

I know why, and I'm crazy.

How much is that?

What'd you say?

- How much is that? - Uh, $2.60.

Ten dollars? I haven't got change.

Keep the change, keep the change.

I'm Susan. What's your name?

- What? - What's your name?

- My name is George. - George what?

What difference does it make?

I don't live in this building.

Come on, don't panic.

Your wife is never going to meet that little girl.

Don't panic.

Ma, are you home?

Ma?

Hello, Harriet. Mr. Cashman.

Everything all right?

Good, good.

Listen, I won't be in until 5:00

I'm at the dentist's office.

Yes, it's very, very, very painful.

Listen, if my wife calls,

tell her I'm working in the kitchen.

I don't want to worry her.

What's that, nurse?

The doctor's ready for me now?

Harriet, I'll talk to you.

I'll see you at 5:00.

I must be out of my mind.

My heart won't stop pounding.

I'm getting out.

Oh, God.

One minute!

Please, God, don't let me humiliate myself. Amen.

Oh, hello. I... I was in the kitchen.

I didn't hear the doorbell ring.

Any chance of coming in?

Yes, yes, please.

How are you?

Very nice.

Aren't you staying?

Me? Yes, certainly. Why-Why do you ask?

You've got your hat on.

Ah!

Are you cold or is that a religious thing?

No, no.

I-I, uh, I didn't know I had it on.

Uh, I... I wasn't sure you were coming.

I wasn't sure, either.

But I came.

Anyway, hello.

I'm sorry, I-I forget your name.

You're forgiven. Elaine Navazio.

Oh, really, really?

Don't tell me I'm wrong.

No, no, you just don't look like

an "Elaine Navazio" to me, that's all.

Oh, no? What, then?

Well, you look more... more of an Irene.

Irene? You think I look like Irene?

No, I look like Elaine Navazio.

Uh, are you of Italian origin... uh, Navazio?

No, I'm of Polish persuasion.

Aha.

Mr. Navazio was of Italian origin.

Uh-huh, huh.

What, uh, what extraction are you of?

Oh, a little Russian, a little Lithuanian.

Uh, were your parents born in this country?

I forget.

Would you like me to give them a call and find out?

No, no, I was just making conversation.

That's the kitchen.

I figured.

No bedroom.

No, no.

Well, the couch opens up into a bed.

It's a convertible.

Yippee.

You like it quiet like this?

I mean, no talking?

I'm sorry, I just, uh, ran out

of conversation for a minute.

Are you nervous?

The truth? Yes. Are you?

The truth? No.

Well, good, good.

There's no point in both of us being nervous.

You-you mentioned Mr. Navazio.

So, uh...

so I assume you're married.

Mr. Navazio assumes I'm married.

I assume what I want.

Aha. The reason I ask is, uh,

you see, I didn't see any wedding ring.

Uh... I hope...

It's hard, it's hard to know if...

Have you got a cigarette?

A cigarette? My God,

wouldn't you rather have some water?

I can't smoke water.

You're not, you're not sick, are you?

In what way?

In a, in a sick way.

I mean that's a terrible cough you got there.

If it bothers you, I won't do it again.

No, it doesn't bother me. I thought it might bother you.

If it bothered me, I wouldn't do it, would I?

You're not going to give me that cigarette, are you?

Uh, I don't smoke.

Don't you keep something in the apartment?

Oh, this isn't my apartment.

This is my mother's apartment.

You're not actively serious, are you?

Oh, yes, I am.

I'm very serious.

This is where my mother lives.

Is she going to join us?

No, no. She works two days a week

for Mount Sinai Hospital,

but she doesn't get home until 5:00.

Ten after 3:00.

This is going to be a spine-tingler.

I didn't know where else to come.

Would you like a drink?

Desperately.

I only have scotch.

Is that all right?

Fine.

You brought glasses, too.

Afraid if you dirtied your mother's glasses

she'd know someone was here.

Well, my mother's a very, very meticulous woman,

and if anything was to look different

when she came home,

it would be very, very hard to explain.

I think you did the smart thing.

How many ice cubes did you bring?

I didn't go quite that far.

Why, would you like ice?

I'll be very happy to get you some ice.

Forget it. We'd spend the rest of the afternoon

wiping fingerprints off the trays.

You see, my mother remembers

exactly how high the pillows

were puffed when she was... when she left.

I guess, I guess

I'm not very good at all this, huh?

Forget it.

It's very sweet.

Thank you.

Listen, are you going to, uh, keep talking soft all day?

Was I talking soft?

Mm-hmm.

Are you talking soft because you think that's sexy?

'Cause I don't find it sexy.

I find it hard to hear.

No.

No, it's just that

these new buildings have paper-thin walls,

and, uh, my mother's got this high squeaky voice

and there's an old lady that lives next door

who's home all day,

and if she were to hear deep voices,

she'd begin to wonder.

So what's the plan?

You whisper and I clean the house

in a high squeaky voice?

No, no.

We'll both just keep talking naturally.

You got a pencil and paper?

We could pass notes.

I-I never know when you're kidding me.

I was just kidding you.

Don't pay any attention to me.

I'm... I'm beginning to feel very foolish.

I don't know what to say to you.

Say nice things.

You're an attractive woman.

- Yeah. - That's it?

Okay, cheers.

Is that your wife I see once in a while

in the restaurant:

tall blonde with a mink coat and the space shoes?

Yes. My God, how did you know that?

She's always got her hand in the cash register.

Ah, ha, ah, that's just on Fridays.

She, she goes to the bank on Fridays.

You sure you don't want some ice?

Positive.

You just did it again.

Did what?

Smelled your fingers.

That's the third time

you've smelled your fingers since I'm here.

Did I do that?

I wasn't even conscious of it.

Is that an occupational hazard?

Owning a fish restaurant

and always wondering how your fingers smell?

Well, see, I-I handle a lot of fish every day.

And I've used soap, I've used after-shave lotion,

I've use perfume, I've even used turpentine.

All of it's all right for a couple hours.

4:00 in the afternoon,

it comes back in again like the tide.

I know it's, it's not the suavest thing in the world

going around smelling your fingers, right?

The smelly fingers don't bother me

as much as that blue suit.

Don't you ever wear anything else?

Oh, no, not in the restaurant.

My father told me a businessman

must always wear a dignified blue suit.

You never had a wild,

crazy desire for a brown sport jacket?

Oh, I have sports jackets.

I wear them all the time.

I'm not as staid as you think I am.

Yes, you are. "Staid" is a very staid word.

You got a car?

Oh, yeah.

Four-door black sedan, right?

How did you know that?

Goes with the blue suits.

You know, you're a very unusual woman.

I mean, like coming to my restaurant

four times in one week.

Is that a special high-protein diet?

I get cravings.

What kind of cravings?

To eat, to touch, to smell, to see, to do.

A physical sensual pleasure

that can only be satisfied at that particular moment.

Yes, yes, like after an hour of handball,

a cold bottle of Pepsi.

I'm going to have trouble with you, right?

I have a craving for another scotch.

Coming right up.

Caught you again.

No, no, no, no.

I wasn't smelling my fingers,

I was looking at my watch.

Oh, is it time to smell your fingers yet?

No, no, I was thinking about my mother,

but we've got plenty of time.

What time is it? 3:15.

Quarter after 3:00.

Mount Sinai lets out at 5:00.

That's an hour and 45 minutes.

Okay, you want to make the first move?

Okay, you want to make the first move?

Boy, you're very open about things, aren't you?

In other words, you're not going to make the first move.

Yes, I am, certainly.

I thought we'd just finish our drink.

It's your schedule.

You know, Mrs. Navazio, you're...

If you're going to keep calling me Mrs. Navazio,

you better get out a deck of cards.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Irene.

- Elaine! - Elaine.

Try Elaine, you'll get a better response.

I don't know why I called you Irene.

Is your wife Irene?

No, my wife is, uh... Thelma.

Well, let her worry about Irene.

Okay, the thing is, Elaine...

Yes, Barney?

Barney, yes. Please, please.

Call me Barney.

What else have I got to do?

Yes, the thing is,

I, I find you a very attractive woman.

We did that line.

Yes, well, you know,

I'm not George Bernard Shaw.

You got to start somewhere.

Not that I don't write a little bit myself.

In fact, you've read some of my stuff.

I have? Where?

Oh, yes. In the menu.

Sweet savory salmon saut�

swimming in salivary succulence.

That's mine.

That's very catchy. It has a nice beat.

Thank you. Uh, you know, they call that "alliteration."

Or did you read the one: flaming Florentine flounder.

I browsed through it.

What time is it now?

3:16.

That's another minute shot.

What is it going to be?

Boy, you really come to the point, don't you?

Look, did you ask me up here with the intentions

of having an affair or not?

Well, in a manner of speaking...

Yes or no?

I thought we'd talk for a while.

- Yes or no? - Yes.

And that we have to be out of here by 5:00?

I didn't put it quite that bluntly.

What time do we have to be out of here?

5:00.

Look, I don't deny my intentions were romantic in nature.

Romantic?

In your mother's clean apartment

with two glasses from Bloomingdale's

and your rubbers dripping on the newspapers?

It was my belief that romance is inspired

by the participants and not the accouterments.

Well, that's beautifully worded.

You ought to use it on the cherry stone clams.

What's the matter?

Is having an affair a dirty expression?

Certainly not.

Having an affair, what's wrong with that?

I may be staid, but I'm not a prude.

The hell you're not.

I bet I could say three words right now

that would turn that blue suit into a glen plaid.

You're very silly, Elaine.

I'm going to say it. I'm going to say a word.

You want to put your hands over your ears?

That's not funny.

I'm saying it: screw.

Asshole! I can do that, too.

I mean, I don't understand the point of all this.

The point is that we have a time problem

and you're reading me fish poetry.

I just thought you'd like to know a little bit about me.

Besides, hotels are dangerous.

People can see you there.

Forget it. Forget it.

You're very courageous.

I'm surprised you took a chance

giving me that extra shrimp in the shrimp cocktail.

You intend using that bottle again

or are you going to turn it into a lamp?

You finished the other one already?

I didn't finish it, it evaporated.

Elaine...

can I ask you a very

personal question?

Yes, I've done this before.

You have?

I have.

If it'll help your vanity any, you are the first

owner of a fish restaurant I've ever been with.

In that sense, I'm still a virgin.

Well, I would gather then

that you're not too happy with Mr. Navazio.

What the hell kind of question is that?

I didn't come up here to get reformed.

It's bad enough you got me to quit smoking.

Leave my sex life alone.

All right, all right.

I'm, I'm very sorry, I apologize.

It's none of my business.

Anyway, uh, what I'm getting at is,

I know why I asked you here.

Did you come up here because...

Isn't that funny? I...

find it difficult to come out and say it.

Would you like me to wait in the kitchen?

No, no.

Am I appealing to you?

Yes.

I am?

Now you appeal to me.

What do you mean "now"?

You mean possibly not tomorrow?

I mean possibly not in 15 minutes.

I have a short span of concentration.

Well, see, I find that disturbing.

Do you really?

Yes, I do.

I find it disturbing and a little sad

that your attitude towards people is so detached.

Well, you'll get over it.

And if not, there are those little pills you can take.

Look, I didn't mean anything.

Don't get upset.

Who's upset?

I had a terrific time.

You're a great host, Mr. Cashman.

You're a nice, soft talker,

you pour a small but beautiful glass of scotch

and my compliments to your mother's housekeeping.

Where are you going?

Out in the street to look for cigarette butts and then home.

But don't worry, no one will notice me leaving the building.

I'll walk out backwards.

What'd I say?

Why are you so upset?

You've got some kind of nerve getting me up here

in this furniture museum and that shiny blue suit

with your thimble full of scotch

sitting there smelling your fingers

and telling me I give you the blues.

When did I say that?

I'm not depressed, I'm not sad.

I'm very happy.

Listen, I don't have any change.

Let me have 30 cents.

Maybe I'll get luckier on the bus.

Please, don't run out.

Let me just say something.

Say something?

You've already talked away half of our allotted time.

Now you'll use the other half to wipe my lip prints

off the glasses, puff up the pillows

and get the hell out of here.

Just lower your voice.

Lower my voice?

Shh.

Mr. Cashman is using his mother's apartment

to bang broads!

What's the sense of that?

Don't tell me I depress you, you flaming Florentine flounder.

I ended up with a goddamn leprechaun.

Elaine, Elaine, you're getting yourself unduly upset.

Unduly upset?

I'm risking a silver bullet between the eyes,

I can't even get a lousy cigarette.

Water, I'll get you water.

Oh, God, what if she gets sick and dies in the living room?

How am I going to explain

a dead Polish woman to my mother?

Boy, your chest sounds all congested.

Have you ever tried sleeping with a vaporizer?

No, but don't worry,

I'll get around to everyone.

Well, I sure bungled this whole thing, didn't I?

You want it straight?

I'm sorry I wasted your time.

I'm sure you could have found something better to do

than sitting here all afternoon with me.

All right, don't get choked up.

I can't stand a choked-up 44-year-old man.

Is that how old I look to you, 44?

Cut right down to the marrow, huh?

No, actually, you look like a college kid.

21, 22.

Come on, Elaine.

It was your black socks with the clocks on them

that threw me off.

Well, actually, I'm flattered, because I'm 45.

Does that surprise you?

It's a good thing I was sitting down when you told me.

You're still upset about what I said before, aren't you?

I'm not upset.

I'm not angry, I'm not mad.

If you want the plain, heartbreaking truth,

I'm a little bored.

No harm was done, no one got hurt.

The worst that'll happen

is from now on I'll get the same five shrimps

as everyone else.

It's been a glorious and memorable 30 minutes.

Elaine, do you know what I wish?

I wish we could start

this whole thing over again from the beginning.

Doesn't everyone, Barney?

Ciao.

Damn you, why didn't you say something?

Why didn't you grab her?

Stupid.

Talk, talk, talk, that's all you can do,

you dumb talking idiot.

I just happened to be in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd drop by.

I wonder if I could please...

Oh, Christ!

You all right?

My goddamn lip is bleeding.

I'm sorry, Elaine.

If you wanted me on the sofa,

why didn't you just point to it?

I didn't want you on the sofa.

I'm sorry, Elaine. Let me see your lip.

It's a bleeding lip. You've seen them before.

Let me have your handkerchief.

Okay, here. Stupid idiot.

I don't know why I kissed you so hard.

It was a terrific kiss.

A little pointy, maybe, but very nice.

- Help me up. - Yeah.

It stopped.

Here, you better burn this.

Yeah.

How 'bout a little more scotch?

How 'bout a lot more?

You packed the glasses already?

You didn't wax the floors, too, did you?

Some klutz I am, huh?

World's champion Olympic klutz.

Listen, it was the best two minutes we've had.

I'm not one to knock a little physical contact.

Boy, I never saw anybody who could

change moods so quickly.

I don't think you're as tough

as you like to sound.

Are we going to hold hands now?

I wish I could figure you out.

I wish I knew what was going on

in that brain of yours right now.

Listen, we're not going to get in one of those

talking things again are we, without cigarettes?

What were you like as a little girl?

Fat and pimply.

Don't you even smoke a pipe?

All I need is a couple of drags.

My God, is that the only thing you can think of?

Is that the most important thing in your life right now?

Isn't there anything else more important to you than a lousy,

goddamn, mentholated, filter-tip cigarette?

Well, what else are you offering that's more enjoyable?

I'm trying to talk to you, I'm trying

to get to know you as a human being.

Is there anything wrong with that?

No, not if we didn't

have to be out by 5:00.

If you wanted information,

I could've filled out a form in the restaurant.

Tell me the truth.

Would you be a lot happier

if I started ripping your clothes off

and jumping all over you?

Just a pure, physical, animal act,

is that what you would prefer?

Well, it would be a nice way of breaking the ice.

Because if that's what you would prefer,

I can certainly accommodate you.

Okay, accommodate me.

Okay, come here.

No, I can't.

I just think that's crude.

I-I-I, I may not know you very well,

but I thought we could start off this relationship

with at least some mutual respect for each other.

If you don't know me, how could you respect me?

Because I respect you as a human being, as a woman.

I-I-I do respect that, yes, I do.

30,000 sexy guys in New York City,

I get a guy that respects women.

Can I pour this myself?

I promise I won't go past the pencil mark.

Is it possible that you're actually as cold as you sound?

I need gloves to take off my underwear.

Flippant, wise and cold.

You don't permit yourself

to be honest and open for a minute, do you?

Barney, I'm going to give you one free hint

so the afternoon isn't a total write-off.

If you want undying love and romance,

take a guitar and go to Spain.

I'm leaving, for good.

My peak has ebbed.

Cold, callous and unemotional.

Those are my attorneys.

You know where to get in touch with them.

Forgive me for saying so,

but it's pretty frightening way of going through life.

You're forgiven.

Frightening, sad and pitiful.

You soul-searching, finger-smelling hypocrite.

Who are you to tell anybody how to go through life?

What would you have done if I came in here

all fluttery and blushing and, "Oh, Mr. Cashman,

don't put your hand there, I'm a married woman"?

Would you have told me how much you admired me? Respect me?

And at the moment of truth, even love me?

You know damn well, tomorrow you'll be back behind

that counter opening your clams and oysters and praying to God

I never come back into your restaurant.

And you know something, that's the way it should be.

Forgive me for the terrible, sinful thing I'm about to say,

but I happen to like the pure, physical act of making love.

It warms me, it stimulates me

and it makes me feel like a woman.

But that's another ugly story.

That's what I came up here for,

and that's what you were expecting.

I don't know about your problems.

I don't care.

Keep your savory salmon saut� stories to yourself.

Nobody really cares about anything

or anyone in this world except himself,

and there's only one way to get through it with your sanity.

If you can't taste it, touch it or smell it, forget it.

You want a copy of that speech,

send 25 cents and a self-addressed envelope.

Please don't go yet.

Wait five more minutes.

It's getting late.

I have to feed the lion at 6:00.

If I have to lock you in, I'm going to lock you in.

You saw me opening clams, you know I'm stronger than you.

Well, wouldn't you know it.

Quarter of 4:00 and you finally show me some brute force.

Just sit there.

Don't talk, don't cough, don't breathe.

Just sit there and shut up until I tell you you can go.

If I get nothing else from you this afternoon,

it's going to be your undivided goddamned attention.

Excuse me.

I'm sure it will not be a shock for you to find out

that you are my first attempt at extramarital affair

in 22 years of marriage.

I got married at the age of 23, after having gone steady

with the same girl since I was 16 years old.

And how many experiences with other women do you think I had

prior to getting married?

One.

I had one shot at it.

When I was 18, my brother took me to an apartment

in Newark, New Jersey, where I consorted with

a 44-year-old woman who greeted me lying naked on a brass bed

reading a movie magazine.

It cost me $7.00 and I threw up all night long.

In the next three days, I took 12 baths, nine showers,

and I didn't touch anybody in my family for two months.

I don't smoke, I don't gamble,

and you've had more to drink this afternoon

than I've had in my entire life.

I have never had a car accident.

I've never had a broken bone.

I have never had a temperature over 102.

Life has not only been very kind to me,

it goes out of its way to ignore me.

I have three children I'm very proud of.

I have a wife who's kind, considerate, devoted to me

and who I happen to love!

So, why, after 22 years of marriage,

do I write my mother's address on the back of a check,

buy a bottle of scotch and two glasses

and pray to God I never get caught?!

Why?! I'll tell you why!

I don't know why!

I've never had the urge before!

Well...

Well, that's not true.

I started getting the urge about two years ago.

I'm 45 years old,

and for the first time in my life, I think about dying.

I read the obituaries every day,

just for the satisfaction of not seeing my name there.

I constantly think about it, what it's going to be like,

how I'm going to bear up under it.

You know, I even practice dying.

I lay there in bed at night,

and I try to feel myself slipping away.

I let my head fall over to one side,

then I let out my last breath.

Then I jump up and rush to the bathroom

and take two sleeping pills,

because I'm up the rest of the night

sacred out of my wits.

But it's inevitable, it's going to happen.

And I say to myself, I say,

"Barney, have you really enjoyed it?

Has it really been a terrific life?"

And I answer, I say, "Well, I wouldn't say terrific.

It's been nice."

The sum total of my existence is "nice."

I shall go to my grave having lived a nice life.

And they will bury me in my nice blue suit.

And my wife will weep for me and mourn for me

and maybe in six months marry another nice fella,

maybe give him my brown sports jacket.

And I-I wouldn't condemn her for it.

It's inevitable.

It's the natural order of things.

But while it's going on, couldn't it be more than nice?!

Couldn't I just once have something in my life

besides just opening my restaurant

every morning at 11:00?

Couldn't I once give in

to my secret dreams, my fantasies?

Experience things?

Stimulants, emotions I've never experienced before?

I've wanted to see what it was like with another woman.

Would I be successful?

Would she like me? Would I like the touch of her?

A thousand questions I've never been able to answer

if suddenly my name was on that obituary tomorrow morning.

So, I started looking around...

but I promise you,

with all intentions of having just one affair,

just one day of pleasure, and that's all.

But if it was going to be one day,

then I wanted it to be something that would

last me the rest of my life.

Not cheap, not sordid.

Then I'll go back to opening the restaurant

every morning at 11:00,

but knowing that, for one brief moment,

I had somehow changed the pattern of my life.

And that for once, I didn't just exist.

That I lived.

I was going to cry in the middle,

but I didn't want to wet your mother's carpet.

Well, I was hoping you would understand,

but I didn't really expect it.

No, listen, it was terrifically entertaining.

I really enjoyed it.

There's just one or two reasons, though,

why I couldn't feel too sympathetic for the hero.

In the first place, there's a very good possibility

that that 44-year-old woman in Newark, New Jersey,

was my mother.

That'll give you some idea of my background.

And in the second place,

any man who expects to have a memorable and enchanting day

of honest love with a woman he picks up in a fish restaurant

is either sexually retarded or a latent idiot.

And in the third place,

no one gives a good crap about you dying,

because a lot of people discovered it ahead of you.

We're all dying, Mr. Cashman.

I passed away about six months ago, myself.

I'm just hanging around

to clean up some business affairs.

Together, Barney, we blew

one of the very few free afternoons

we have allotted to us in this life.

I'm not putting the blame on you.

Serves me right. If I'd had a craving

for corned beef and cabbage instead of halibut,

I'd be in some big Irishman's apartment now,

having the time of my life.

C'est la vie.

Good luck, Barney, in your quest for the impossible dream.

And please, God, let there be

a cigarette machine in the lobby.

I will never, never, never do that again.

I'm up. I'm alive another day.

Thank you, God. Amen.

Feels hot out.

God forbid the air conditioner breaks down.

Can you believe a woman

has slept in that position 22 years?

Never turns.

Maybe it's not even her.

I'll look tomorrow.

Me again.

Always me.

I can't get a break.

Another beauty to drive me crazy all day.

Who's she waving at? Couldn't be me.

God doesn't like me that much.

All right, all right!

Don't get excited, Barney, but maybe this is it!

Maybe this is it!

Hello, there. Can I help you?

You've got a flat tire.

Pull it over, pull it over.

I have a flat!

Sorry.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Cashman.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you very well.

It's a madhouse in here.

The air conditioner broke down.

No, Mr. Cashman just stepped out for a little fresh air.

He wasn't feeling very well today.

Flat tire and a broken air conditioner in one day?

A man's entitled to an hour off.

Is anyone sitting here?

No, no, nobody's sitting here.

Thank you.

It's empty, all empty.

Do you have the time?

Yes, I do.

Oh, the time.

Yes... uh, it's, uh, 20 after.

After what?

After what?

1:00! 20 after 1:00 is the time.

Thank you.

It's my complete pleasure.

Don't start in.

Remember the last time.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

You think so?

Oh, yes, I do.

I... I was just saying to myself

what a beautiful day this is.

Would you... would you care for a fresh-roasted peanut?

That's very kind of you. Thank you, no.

Are you waiting for anyone?

I thought I saw somebody follow me into the park.

I didn't like his looks.

Oh, you have to be so careful these days.

Especially somebody that looks like you.

You sure you wouldn't care for a peanut?

Well, maybe just one.

I wasn't sure what you had in mind at first.

But you seem all right to me.

Oh, I am. I'm, uh, very nice.

I'm all right.

Are you... are you in the theatrical profession?

How did you guess?

Oh, I don't know.

You're just built very theatrically.

Bobbi Michele. I'm a professional singer.

What time is it again?

20 after 1:00.

I've got an audition at 3:00 for a Broadway show.

Oh, that's wonderful. Good luck.

Except I can't audition without an accompanist.

Only you can't get a good accompanist

these days for less than $20.

Only I can't get my hands on $20 before 3:00,

because my agent is in Bermuda getting married.

I'm just out of luck, I guess.

Which is the way the breaks have been going for me lately.

If you want to believe that sad story.

Oh, I do, I do.

That's a... that's a shame.

Well, at least I've met someone in New York

I'm not afraid to talk to.

Well, I've got to rustle up $20 somewhere.

It was nice talking to you.

Yes, very nice to talk to you.

Thanks for the peanut.

Oh, you're-you're welcome.

Bye.

Bye.

You jerk! You stupid, dumb jerk!

Why didn't you say something?!

You'll never have a chance like that again

if you live to be a thousand!

- Excuse me? - Oh, hello!

Nice to see you again.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Yes, as personal as you like.

We don't know each other, is that right?

No... I... uh, no.

I mean, I've never seen you before,

and you've never seen me before.

No, no, I swear.

I-I've never seen you or you me before.

So, what I'm going to ask you may seem strange,

and I would not be offended if you were to say no.

Well, I might not say no. Why don't you ask me?

Well, this audition is very important to me.

It's the lead in a new, big musical.

Now, if you were to lend me, a total stranger,

the $20 to get the accompanist,

I promise you, and I cross my heart...

I will come tomorrow to your place of business

or wherever you live...

your house or your apartment...

and I will repay you the $20, plus...

give you my undying gratitude

and express to you

my deepest and sincerest appreciation.

What would you say to that?

Take $30.

You'll-you'll need cab fare.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Hello, Harriet?

Mr. Cashman.

I'm in the barbershop, Harriet.

My chair is ready, Harriet.

I'll speak to you later.

Amen.

Oh, thank God, air conditioning.

You know, it's 130 degrees outside.

I almost passed out twice.

- Hi. Bobbi Michele. - Hello.

We met in the park yesterday.

Yes, yes, certainly. Come in, come in.

I was wandering up and down the hall.

All these apartments look alike.

Oh, this is nice.

I like this.

I wasn't sure I'd be here on time.

I just got through with my audition.

Oh, God, that's better.

I did get the accompanist, and I...

I did get the accompanist,

and I am here personally to thank you for it.

But here I am talking and talking

and I really haven't even said hello yet.

- Hello. - Hello.

Hello. Remember me?

I certainly do.

God, I talk a lot when I get nervous.

Have you noticed that?

Are you... are you nervous?

Oh, not about you.

I just had a terrible experience

with the cab driver.

Well, listen, I don't want to go into it.

No, no, what happened?

He wanted to make it with me

under the Manhattan Bridge during his lunch hour.

Well, can we just not talk about it?

I must look awful.

No, not at all. You look lovely.

Oh, I don't.

Give me three minutes, I'll dazzle you.

Did you get shorter?

Shorter? Since yesterday?

Why do you look shorter?

I don't know, uh...

sometimes a blue suit.

- Flats. - Flats?

I was wearing flats yesterday.

I put on heels for the audition today.

You didn't get shorter, I got taller.

I'm goofy today.

Must be the heat.

No, no, I think you're charming.

Oh, I know I'm charming,

but I'm also a goofball,

which I think is part of my charm.

No, I think, you're...

I'm very open about things.

Open, open.

That's why I'm always getting myself into trouble.

- I love that mustache. - Thank you.

When did you grow that?

Oh, about four years ago.

Are you sure?

I didn't notice a mustache yesterday.

Oh, yes, it was there.

It's always there.

Then who did I meet yesterday

without a mustache?

I don't really know.

Well, I can't think straight.

Back in New York three days

and this is what happens.

Can I have a drink?

Yes.

What would you like, vodka, scotch?

Can you imagine the nerve of that cab driver?

I wrote his name down: Max Shoenstein.

I was going to report him to the police,

but he started to cry.

Tears pouring down his face.

I thought his cigar would go out.

Then he pleaded with me.

He's married 27 years, with a son in Vietnam,

and that he didn't mean any harm.

And I felt sorry for him.

So I said I wouldn't report him.

So he thanked me and asked me to reconsider

going under the Manhattan Bridge.

How do I look, better?

Marvelous.

Nothing for me, thanks.

It happens to me all the time.

Coming in on the plane from California,

the man sitting next to me

kept feeling me up all during the movie.

He was feeling you?

Well, he said he was looking for the dial

to turn up the volume.

Oh, is this your terrace?

Why didn't you say something to him?

Well, he was Chinese.

I didn't want to seem bigoted.

Then he has the nerve to call me

in the middle of the night, some strange Chinaman.

How'd he get your number?

I don't know.

I must've given it to him or something.

Look, it's over. Let's forget it.

Am I talking too much?

No, no, no. Those are incredible stories.

Could I have a drink please?

A drink... what a good idea.

I don't know why they single me out.

I'm always getting these obscene telephone calls.

There's an awful lot of that around.

So what'll it be?

I get these calls wherever I go.

Once, I wasn't home, they left an obscene message.

My goodness.

Ugh, I hate soft centers, mm.

What time is it?

I have to make a call.

May I?

I don't have one on me.

So what is it, vodka, scotch?

What do you do, anyway... for a living?

Oh, uh, I'm a writer.

I write sea stories.

I knew a writer in California.

A registered weirdo.

He used to write pornographic movies.

You know, Sex Family Robinson.

Tom Swift and his Incredible Thing.

I mean, even the perverts were embarrassed.

I thought I was in love with him

until I found out he was deranged.

The things he wanted me to do.

Like what?

She hears the phone.

She's just a lazy bitch.

I mean, like, what did he want you to do?

Oh, I couldn't tell you.

I told my analyst, he went into cardiac arrest.

No, no, I'm a mature person.

I understand these things.

So wha-what kind of thing did he want you to do?

If I tell you this man had his teeth sharpened,

you can fill in the rest for yourself.

His teeth? My God.

Oh, isn't she adorable.

Who's the little girl?

That's me.

But, uh, did you... did you ever do any of these things,

these things he wanted you to?

Me? No, never. Of course not.

You must be kidding.

Some... I-I ha-I had to do some,

because I was afraid he was going to kill me.

I give her five more minutes.

No, uh, but... you mean he forced you to do these things?

You don't play it cool with a man

who just had his teeth sharpened.

My God.

How'd you ever get hooked up with a guy like that?

By sheer chance.

He was living with my roommate

and she moved out.

Oh, hey, did I tell you about my audition?

No.

The roommate moved out.

I was fabulous.

I would've gotten the part

except they thought I was just a little too young.

What was the part?

Queen Victoria.

Anyway, that brings us to why I'm here.

I owe you $20.

Oh, there's no hurry.

What do you mean?

I promised to pay you back today.

A promise is a promise.

Well, all right.

The thing is I don't have the money.

I'm good for it, though.

If I don't get a show in New York,

I may do a series of one-night concerts in New Zealand.

I just wanted to show you some stills

from this movie I was in.

That's me and my costar on location.

It was a cute picture.

Maybe you saw it: I Married an Ape.

No, I missed it.

I remember missing it.

It's the same basic story as Wuthering Heights,

only they worked in the gorilla and some surf riders.

Oh, what a good idea.

That's me in the bikini, hee-hee-hee-hee.

And the gorilla's a wonderful actor

named Sidney Sessman.

He just can't get a break in better parts,

because he unfortunately happens to be built that way.

I will always be indebted to him though,

because he was so kind to me when I had my accident.

What kind of an accident?

I was beaten up by some Mexican in a motel.

How I got there or who the Mexican was, I'll never know.

And the police will never give you

any information.

My God, the things that have happened to you!

Can you believe this?

Who you trying to call?

My answering service.

At least she promised to take messages for me.

I have the worst damn luck with roommates.

Are you living with somebody now?

I can't afford my own place yet,

so in the meantime, I'm living with this Nazi vocal coach.

She's not just German, she's actually a Nazi.

Wears brown shirts, boots,

combs her hair over one eye like Hitler.

Is that right?

Great vocal coach, though,

if you don't mind getting whipped.

You're not serious.

Oh, she's weird.

She has tiny little scars all across her back

that spell out her name: Wilhelmina.

I mean, a monogram would've been enough, don't you think?

More than enough.

A real sicko.

Sleeps in a queen-size bed in leather pajamas.

Oh, finally.

Hello, Willie?

Nowhere. With a friend.

No, it's not another girl.

Did the Dick Cavett Show call?

Well, how would you know,

you're in the bunker all day.

I'll be home at 6:00.

Yes, for dinner.

Whip up something.

I have to be nice to her.

Get her angry, she'll run you over

in the middle of the night with her tank.

If she makes you so uncomfortable

why do you stay with her?

You know, you're the second person who's accused me

of being homosexual.

I never for a minute...

I mean, I sleep so far away from her in that bed,

she'd have to take a taxi to get near me.

No, I... I never...

The other one who accused me

was a wonderful married man I was engaged to,

until I found out he was a degenerate.

Do you mind terribly if I smoke?

No, no, not at all.

I have all kinds of cigarettes.

I have all kinds of cigarettes.

Filters, menthol... anything you like.

I have my own. Thanks.

Promise me you won't ask me about this married man,

because it's the one episode of my life

I'd rather not discuss.

Certainly. I understand.

He name was Arnold, Arnold H.

I can't tell you his last name.

Of course.

He lives in Palm Springs, California,

and is in the hotel business.

Would you like one of these?

No, I don't really smoke.

I don't either. I mean, not cigarettes.

I met Mr. H about two years ago in Arizona.

I was a houseguest

of this very short Hawaiian movie producer, and...

Excuse me, I... I don't mean to interrupt.

Is that?

I didn't catch the last word.

No, I-I don't want to say it very loud.

There's an old lady next door

who listens to everything.

Is that marijuana?

Uh-huh.

Pot?

Mm-hmm. Change your mind? You sure?

No, I'm trying to cut down.

It's prescribed by my doctor in Beverly Hills.

I take it as a tranquilizer,

because I have this inability to swallow pills.

He prescribes it? Isn't that illegal?

Oh, that's all right.

He's not allowed to practice there anyway.

Are you sure?

No. Maybe later.

I love your smile.

You're a real basic person...

sincere, sweet.

You meet so damn few in my business.

I don't know. The people I run into...

What the world needs now

Is love, sweet love

That's the only thing

That there's just too little of.

That's what I'm going to sing on the Dick Cavett Show.

If the beast of Berlin ever takes my messages.

I like the color of these walls.

I am so sick of white walls.

Is the door locked?

The door? Yes, is that all right?

I was just wondering.

I thought I saw somebody following me outside.

Probably not.

Forget it. I'm being silly.

Why don't you just check the lock.

It's locked.

I checked.

You mean it's possible

somebody knows you're here with me now?

Oh, that's sweet.

You're worried some jealous nut

is going to rush in here and blow our brains out.

Wouldn't that be a kick?

A regular bloodbath.

Oh, God.

Uh-oh, all gone.

Finished my pot like a good little girl.

Don't forget to get rid of this.

Tear the paper, scatter the ashes,

flush the toilet twice.

You can't imagine the number of people

who are serving time today

because they only flushed once.

Flush twice. That's a good idea.

It leaves a slight odor, doesn't it?

Help me, God.

Don't let me get caught!

I don't want to go to jail for just flushing once.

Listen, Bobbi, um, I hope you understand

that the only reason I spoke to you in the park yesterday

was because... Bobbi?!

Bobbi!

Where are you?!

Quick! Back against the wall.

- What is it? - He'll see you. Get back.

Who will see me?

The man standing in front

of the building next door.

Have you ever seen him before?

All the time. He's the doorman.

Oh, thank God!

I was just wondering.

Do you think I'm being silly?

No. Now, can we go back inside now?

It's very windy out here.

Oh, God, I wish I could fly.

They'd never catch me if I could fly!

No flying! Don't fly today.

Today is not a good day for flying.

Oh, God, please, God!

Don't be locked.

Hi!

No waving!

Open, you damn stupid idiot door!

You could break the glass and open it from the inside.

Break the glass?

I'm afraid to sit on the cushions.

Open! Listen, if 5:00 comes,

and a little old lady with white hair

and a high, squeaky voice opens this door,

please... let me do the talking.

Open up!

Why don't you try up?

Up?!

Instead of pulling down, pull up.

You see? I'm not as crazy as I look.

Why don't you get us a drink?

Listen, the things I could tell you about the men I've met.

Someday, I'm going to write a book,

naming names, dates, and places

of every man I ever knew.

I wouldn't leave a single man out.

Listen, I'm sure, once in a while,

you must've met some nice man

who helped you out when you were in trouble.

Oh, you wouldn't be in the book.

You're nice.

You have such sensitive hands.

That's how I knew you were nice in the park.

I can tell everything about a person

just by looking at his hands.

You have such long, delicate fingers.

Listen, why don't we forget all...

What's it all about

Alfie?

Is it just for the moment we live?

What's it all about?

I smell oysters.

What?!

Oysters or fish.

Yuck! What could that be?

I don't really know, uh...

Listen, I was wondering,

why don't we just forget about...

This married man I was telling you about...

well, he was insanely jealous.

He didn't even want me to have a career.

He knows I'm enormously talented,

and he's afraid of losing me.

I've got it. I know that.

The talent's there, it's just a question of time.

You know, he had me fired from the show in Vegas,

because he was afraid I'd get discovered.

Oh, that's terrible.

That's why I had to leave the coast.

He blocked every move I made.

You know, he once tried

to have me committed to a hospital.

I wonder why.

Obviously, to keep tabs on me.

Actually, it was my own fault.

I was faking a nervous breakdown

so he'd leave me alone.

I made believe I went crazy

in a department store one day,

and the police came and took me away

in an ambulance.

They just held me for observation.

And then sent you home?

In 12 weeks.

It wasn't too bad.

I wasn't working anyway.

Did you ever hear of Battle Fatigue?

Is that what you had?

No, no, Battle Fatigue,

it's the name of a rock group.

They want me to record with them, but...

two years with those groups,

and your voice is shot.

Don't you think I'm better off

taking the Broadway show?

I thought they turned you down.

Where did you hear that?

You told me.

I didn't say they turned me down.

I said they thought I was too young.

But you didn't get the part.

What are you trying to say?

I'm not trying to say anything.

They thought I was fabulous.

You hear? Fabulous.

I know it. Who told you?

You did. I remember. You told me.

Well, I was,

but I turned 'em down.

You did the smart thing.

You're damn right I did.

Besides, I don't need their stinking shows.

I'm more of a movie personality.

Barbra Streisand, Ali MacGraw,

that's the type I am.

God, it's hot in here... or cold.

I can't make up my mind.

I'm turning on again.

Now, now, you think that's a good idea?

I mean, it's getting very late.

You want me to leave.

No, I don't want you to leave.

But you'd be happier if I left.

Happier? No, not happier.

Don't worry, I'm not going to try anything.

Try what? Like what?

Try what? What would you try?

Nothing. I thought you were

looking at the scars on my wrists.

You're wrong about them.

No, no, I wasn't looking.

I didn't know you had them.

Look, your scars are your business.

I was watering plants,

and the window fell on my wrists.

Sure. That happens so often.

I know so many people whose windows fell on their wrists.

Please forgive me.

I'm suspicious of everyone.

I really have to run.

Oh, that's a shame.

Just when we were getting acquainted.

Well, if you feel that way,

I'm going to stay a few more minutes.

No, I don't feel that way.

If you have to go, I, uh, don't worry about me.

Just have to take a few drags

before I face the world again.

Doctor's orders.

Well...

I wouldn't want you to go

without your medicine, but...

What?

You said you'd have one with me later.

No, no, I said maybe later.

Maybe. I said maybe.

I'm not going unless you have one with me...

if I have to stay all night.

Two puffs.

Two puffs.

Two quick puffs and I have to go to work.

Good?

Yeah, man, that's pot.

Should we turn on some music?

No, no, I like my pot very quiet.

You're letting it out too quickly.

Let me see you hold it in your lungs.

You don't want to see that... a man with pot in his lungs.

You must've seen that a hundred times.

Why won't you inhale it?

Okay, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Swallow it.

Hmm?

Swallow it.

I...

Okay, now exhale.

Oh, my God.

It didn't come out.

It's still in there.

In a few moments, your mouth will feel numb

and your toes will get paralyzed.

Good, good. I can hardly wait.

Do you hear anything funny?

Like what?

A ringing in the ears.

Oh, thank God.

I thought it was the doorbell.

Is your mouth getting dry?

Yeah, a little.

There it goes.

Drying now.

All dried up.

That's not a permanent condition.

I mean, my mouth will open later on in life, won't it?

This is quality grass. You can tell.

Oh, yeah, it's worth the few cents more.

How do your toes feel?

Dead.

Dead toes. Eight dead, two dying.

Oh, my God.

What?

My tongue is frozen.

I don't have the use of my tongue, uh...

I'll never talk again.

That's okay, baby.

Everything's slowing down.

Slower and slower.

Oh, it's 20 to 4:00.

It's always going to be 20 to 4:00

for the rest of our lives.

Well, I love 20 to 4:00.

Oh, God! Oh!

What?

I can't feel my heart!

What the hell happened to my heart, huh?!

Relax. Don't fight it, honey.

I'm not fighting it.

I'm letting it do whatever it wants.

Hang it out for the world to see.

I'm hangin' out. I'm hangin' out.

I'm going!

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going.

What?

Oh, did you hear that?

What?

I hear my eyes blinking.

Blinking... thumping, thumping, thumping.

If you got it, baby, flaunt it.

I'm flaunting it. I'm flaunting it.

Oh, whee. Whee, huh? Whee...

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

20 to 4:00.

God, the things that've happened to me.

Oh, I heard, I heard.

I can't wait to read the book.

Did I tell you about this man in California?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

With the pointed teeth.

I was really in love with him.

You know about love, too.

- I can tell. - Yeah.

You must've suffered plenty, I'll bet.

M-M-Many years ago, I...

I was involved with an older woman

in Newark, New Jersey.

I know that scene.

How long did it last?

Oh, about 20 minutes.

You got to make it alone in this world.

All I need is one show.

The talent's there, it's just a question of time.

20 to 4:00. It's 20 to 4:00.

People don't want to see you make good.

They're all jealous.

They're all rotten.

They're all vicious.

So many things I wanted to see.

I'll never see 'em.

So many things I wanted to do.

I'll never do 'em.

Trapped. We're all trapped.

Help! Help!

What the world needs now

Is love, sweet love

That's the only thing

That there's just too little of...

I will never, never,

never, never do that again.

You will never do what?

Ne... Never eat... green peppers again.

Go to sleep, Thelma.

Don't get sick.

We're going to Mel and Jeanette's for dinner tomorrow.

Barney, Thelma, it's good to see you.

Barney, Thelma, it's good to see you.

Come on in.

Barney, Thelma.

Thelma, Barney.

Listen, Thelma, believe me.

I know Jeanette.

She's my best friend.

And I'm telling you that she and Mel are having trouble.

I can't believe it. Jeanette and Mel?

Thelma, just because you and Barney

are the perfect couple,

it doesn't mean that everybody else is.

No, I feel wonderful.

I really do.

Mel and I were thinking

of going to Puerto Rico this winter,

but Mel is so busy.

Well...

Oh, excuse me.

One-way street.

Well, everything all right here?

Barney, can I get you anything:

a drink, a cigarette?

Nothing for me, Mel.

Well, what are you going to do, the man has no vices?

Charlotte says the talk is Mel's playing around with some dame.

Someone in this room, as a matter of fact.

Mel?! Mel Fisher?! I can't believe it.

You, the last man on earth

who still goes to bed every night

with his own wife.

More coffee coming up in a minute, fellas.

Barney, could you help me with these?

I can't find Mel anywhere.

It's my fault for inviting

so many good-looking women.

Where do you want these, Jeanette?

Close the door, Barney.

I know what the gossip is, Barney.

I know what they're saying about Mel and some woman.

Gee, I haven't heard a thing, Jeanette.

I knew you'd say that,

because you're decent and honorable,

not like other men.

Oh, I'm just a human being.

Do you find me attractive, Barney?

Attractive? Yes, yes, I do, Jeanette.

No, don't be polite. This is important to me.

I mean attractive in a sexual way.

Oh, well, uh...

I never really thought about you like that before, Jeanette.

Well, think about me like that.

I'm thinking.

Yeah, I... I do, Jeanette, I do.

Help me, Barney. Help me.

Uh, how do you want me to help you, Jeanette?

Times are changing, Barney. For all of us.

- Help me. - Okay.

- Help me. - All right.

Listen, I'm going to...

I'm going to give you an address

where I can help you, Jeanette.

I don't need you today, God.

Jeanette, Jeanette, you look wonderful.

Any trouble finding the place?

It's not raining, is it?

Good, good.

You okay?

Come on in, sit down.

Is that better?

You look uncomfortable.

Let me have your pocketbook.

Look at me, Jeanette.

You sure you're okay?

Then relax.

Look...

I don't deny this is a little awkward.

That's why I respect you, Jeanette.

If you weren't nervous,

if you just barged in here cold and callous

like some women or some nut I met in the park,

that would be one thing.

But you're not, Jeanette. That's why...

That's why...

that's why, the other night in your kitchen,

when you asked me for help, I was so happy, Jeanette.

We all need help these days, Jeanette.

Jeanette, you're not going to cry until 5:00, are you?

What's wrong, Jeanette?

I can't go through with it.

I'm sorry, Barney.

Oh, boy. Can you pick 'em.

Can you pick 'em.

Jeanette... Jeanette...

Jeanette.

Jeanette.

Jeanette.

What's wrong with you, Jeanette?

I don't understand.

Why did I come, Barney, why?!

Because you said we were going to help each other, Jeanette.

Come back upstairs and we'll help each other.

Not upstairs.

I'll have coffee with you.

How can I... how...

how can I help you drinking coffee, Jeanette?

Jeanette, we're going to have our cup of coffee

and then we're going to go back upstairs and help each other.

There's something you should know first, Barney.

Is it important, Jeanette?

Yes. I don't find you physically attractive.

Well, that's not important, Jeanette.

It's only important

that I find you physically attractive.

I think you're sweet.

I think you're basically a good person.

I just do not find you physically attractive.

Once is enough, Jeanette. I get the point.

Can we get off this now?

I am attracted to you emotionally and intellectually.

That's funny.

But not physically!

All right, we gonna

stay on that all day, Jeanette?

What about the part where you need my help?

Can we have a check over here, please?

Do you know I haven't slept with Mel in eight months?

No, I didn't. My God!

I know Mel had a bad back, but I had no idea.

I've not slept with him in eight months!

No wonder you need help, Jeanette.

Can we have a check, please?

He's slept with me.

I haven't slept with him.

How-how does that work out, Jeanette?

There's something else you should know, Barney.

I don't particularly enjoy sex.

Oh, you don't?

Ever?

It was important to me once.

It's not important anymore.

You're just tense.

I mean, eight months.

You're going through a very dry period.

Before I go in, I have to know one thing.

You would never tell anyone about this, would you?

Me, Jeanette? Me?

I'm surprised you'd even think of such a thing.

I won't have to worry about my name coming up

at a cocktail party?

May God strike me dead.

May I never live to see

my oldest daughter married if I ever did.

- Swear. - I just swore.

May I become totally paralyzed from my hips on down.

I'm not very good at this sort of thing.

Who is, Jeanette? Who is?

I don't even know what I'm supposed to do.

You're supposed to go inside, Jeanette.

As inexperienced as I am,

I know that nothing is going to happen out here.

Where is this?

It's the same place we were at before we ran out the door.

Relax. Just relax.

Give me your pocketbook.

You must promise that whatever happens between us

it'll go no further than these four walls.

May my restaurant get destroyed by fire.

Relax! Give me your pocketbook, Jeanette.

I don't know if we're doing the right thing.

I'm so confused. Reassure me, Barney.

I assure you.

You have all my assurance.

Try harder. Reassure me more.

May, uh, I, uh...

may-may I get a pinched nerve in my spinal column!

I don't know what you want, Jeanette!

I'm going to go get some champagne.

What do you think about all this?

About all what, Jeanette?

About all this that's going on.

Nothing is going on, Jeanette!

I can't even get your pocketbook.

You're not appalled by the times we live in?

By the promiscuity you find everywhere?

I don't find it anywhere!

I hear a lot about it, but I haven't found any!

Well, I'm not going to think about it.

I'm going to become like everybody else

in this stinking world!

What is that? What are you doing?

Digilene. It's for depression.

You want some water?

I couldn't wait.

You couldn't wait for water?!

You're that depressed?

Hah.

Do you know what melancholia is, Barney?

I'm beginning to think so.

I'll tell you because I've had it for eight months.

It's total and complete despair.

It's waking up each morning of your life

not wanting anything,

not caring, not hoping, not needing.

All that's left is a quiet, empty, bottomless, relentless,

infinite, eternal gloom.

That's melancholia.

We're in for some terrific afternoon.

I'm sorry, Barney, I'm too depressed.

I don't want to spoil it for you.

Forgive me.

Good-bye, Barney.

Jeanette, don't run, I'm tired. Jeanette!

Why me?

Why do I have to get all the nuts?

Three crazy ladies in the world and I get them all.

Jeanette!

Jeanette, wait!

Jeanette!

My stomach is gurgling

from all this coffee, Jeanette.

What do you want with me, anyway?!

A good time?!

You're not going to have a good time with me!

Well, I think we can have

an interesting afternoon, Jeanette.

Got to stop the brooding

and the running and the coffee.

Barney?

Yes, Jeanette.

Has Mel ever mentioned his being mixed up

with another woman?

Never, Jeanette. I swear.

My God, you seem so different from the other night!

It wasn't easy for me to come here today.

I understand.

If anyone knew, or even suspected...

May I become deformed in all my vital organs!

Stop it already, Jeanette!

Okay, I'm going to go get the champagne.

See this table over here?

Good spot for your pocketbook.

She says another word,

I'm going to hit her with the bottle.

Okay, we're going to have a little champagne and...

What are you doing?

Mmm. I was just wondering.

What do you think Mel's reaction would be if I called him now

and told him what was going on up here?

Big.

I think Mel's reaction would be big,

with a lot of killing and murder.

Jeanette, don't test him.

It's not good for a marriage to test it too far.

You think death is so terrible, Barney?

Death?

Yes, I do. I think death is terrible.

I think violent death is the worst.

Jeanette, I-I think we're getting a little morbid here.

What makes life worth living, Barney?

Name emotions for me, feelings,

itemize the good things in life for me.

What do you mean, my favorite things, like handball?

Or you mean like love and family and children?

It's such a wide area to cover, Jeanette.

Give me that goddamn pocketbook!

Nothing's going to happen to it!

I'm sorry, Jeanette, I couldn't stand it anymore.

Oh, I feel so much better.

How much of life do you actually enjoy, Barney?

What, are you still on that, Jeanette, huh?

Give me a number, a percentage.

Oh, 51%, 52%, 52.7%.

Is that a good number?

You know what Dr. Margolis estimated

my percentage of happiness is?

Oh, low.

I would, uh... I would imagine it was low.

8.2 percent!

Ah, I was going to say tops, a seven.

Jeanette, I want you to trust me.

Watch this.

You know what that is, Jeanette?

That's a bed.

And we're not children, Jeanette.

We both know why we're here.

I admit we're both a little bit nervous about this,

but I have a suggestion,

a plan.

I think we've got to plunge in.

Now, I'm going to go to the bathroom,

and I'm going to prepare myself.

You stay out here... the shades are closed...

you prepare yourself.

And then when we're both prepared,

I'll come out of the bathroom, and we'll plunge right in.

Okay, Jeanette?

I really think that's the only way

this is going to work out, Jeanette.

Okay?

I'll see you in a few minutes.

I'm prepared, Jeanette.

Are you prepared, Jeanette?

Jeanette?

I'm coming out.

Do you think people are basically good, Barney?

Another question.

Do you, Barney... do you think they're basically good?

Yes! Yes! They're good! They're all good!

No more questions, Jeanette!

Do you think the whole world is populated with decent,

gentle, loving human beings?

I don't know, Jeanette!

I haven't met the whole world! I haven't met them!

Look! You notice anything different about me, Jeanette?

In other words, you think there are some.

- Some people are decent. - Yes.

- Gentle. - Right.

- Loving human beings. - Right, right, right.

What are you, blind?!

Look! Look!

I'm in my underwear, Jeanette.

A man is standing in front of you

in black socks and underwear.

Name some.

Name some decent, gentle, loving people, Barney.

Name ten.

Name ten?!

Name five. If you can't name five, name three.

Three people out of the whole world!

That's ridiculous.

I could name 300 people.

I could name 3,000 people.

You want me to take off my shorts, Jeanette?

You want me to answer that question in my black socks?

Name three.

Living or dead?

Three people, Barney.

Three fellow

human beings who are loving, gentle and decent.

I suddenly feel...

very embarrassed.

You know what this is, Jeanette?

This is my mother's bathrobe.

I'm standing in front of you

wearing the robe of a 73-year-old mother.

At least take off a goddamn shoe or something.

You can't name them, can you?

All right, all right.

I'll name them.

Let's see.

In the number one spot,

in the key position, we have...

Albert Schweitzer.

That's one.

You accept Schweitzer.

I'll accept Schweitzer if you do.

Certainly, I accept Schweitzer.

Everybody accepts Schweitzer.

That's one, Jeanette.

Two more, and I'm in.

And I'm warning you right now, Jeanette,

once I get those other two,

everything, including the black socks,

are coming off.

So far you have Schweitzer.

Okay, all right, I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

It's not easy to think in your mother's bathrobe.

All right, number two, and this may surprise you...

Thelma.

My wife Thelma.

Thelma is certainly a loving, gentle woman.

That's two.

Don't rush me, don't rush me.

God, what an ugly woman I would've made.

Schweitzer, Thelma.

Schweitzer, Thelma and...

Christ, I don't know.

Christ. Him.

That's three.

You did it, Barney. I congratulate you.

It wasn't so hard.

I just picked the big three:

Schweitzer, Christ and Thelma.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't pick three people.

Not in this world.

Sure you could.

What about Christ?

Do you mean to say

that you don't think Christ was a decent, kind,

generous human being?

Or Albert Schweitzer?

Mention people I know.

All right. Thelma.

What about Thelma?

I told you before,

I consider Thelma a loving and gentle woman.

All right, hold on.

That's the second time you left out decent.

Why did you leave out decent?

Do you consider Thelma decent?

Thelma Cashman is the most decent woman

on the face of the earth.

Are you making inferences

concerning the decency of my wife Thelma?

I'm not making any inferences.

You indicated some doubt.

Doubt? Doubt? About Thelma?

I grew up with her.

I spent my whole life with her.

Thelma Cashman is beyond reproach.

She's as totally incapable of an act of deception

as you would be or as I would be.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

So you have Schweitzer and Christ.

You have one more pick.

It's not true.

Not Thelma.

Why are you doing this to me?!

Is there something you know about Thelma that I don't know?!

I'll find out anyway, so you might as well tell me.

Do you hear me, Jeanette?

I demand to hear about Thelma!

Thelma Cashman is the only loving, decent

and gentle woman I've ever met,

and the fact that you could doubt her

is an act of indecency on your part.

You are not a decent human being, Barney.

Neither am I, because I'm here with you,

knowing what Thelma is.

Neither is Mel, because it's his fault I'm here.

We're not decent people, Barney.

Only Thelma is.

But she thinks

you're the most decent one of us all.

So that makes her an idiot in my eyes.

The world is made up of indecent people and idiots,

and that's what I think about all day.

Is it any wonder I take Digilene?

Well, I've never been so depressed in my entire life.

I finally found out

who Mel's been having an affair with.

Charlotte Korman, my best friend.

You know who told me?

Who?

He did.

2:00 in the morning, he leans over,

taps me on the shoulder and says,

"I've had an affair with Charlotte Korman."

Who asked him?

You know why he told me?

He explained we're living in a new guiltless society.

You can do whatever you want

as long as you're honest about it.

In the old days, I would've gone to my grave

ignorant of the wonderful and beautiful knowledge

that my husband was spending his afternoons...

humping Charlotte Korman.

I estimate

going four times a week,

I should be through with my analyst

in about a year,

and then, when we both think I'm ready,

I'm going to get in my car

and drive off the Verrazano Bridge.

In the meantime, Barney,

I'm very depressed.

Excuse me.

It's nothing personal,

but I don't think we're going to have our affair.

I'm not indecent, Jeanette.

Tell me I'm not indecent.

It's important to me.

Don't start in, Barney.

I've got one Digilene left.

All right, all right, we're no good!

Indecent, unfeeling, unloving animals, all of us!

But you don't know the half of it!

You don't know how filthy and ugly I am deep down inside.

You think you're the first woman I had up here?

Ha.

Want to hear about Elaine, huh?

A coughing woman of Polish persuasion

who ate flounder four times in one week, huh?

Want to hear about Bobbi?

A psycho nightclub singer

who-who's living and sleeping with a Nazi vocal coach.

We sat here on this couch

and smoked a carton of marijuana.

And you know what happened?

You know what happened, Jeanette?

Nothing happened, that's what happened,

because I was looking for something beautiful

and something decent.

And then I invited you up here...

a woman who grabbed me

in her kitchen last Thursday evening,

pinned me down on top of her dishwashing machine.

I had mayonnaise stains all over the back of my jacket

when I got home.

Then you come up here, and what do you do?

You take depressing pills and hang on to your pocketbook.

Again, nothing happened.

Why? Because I was looking for something decent

and something beautiful.

But I'm not looking anymore,

'cause it doesn't exist, Jeanette.

You were right.

There is no decency, no love, no kindness.

No people like that anymore in the world.

But if we're guilty,

then let's at least commit the crime.

lf... if we're indecent,

let's have a couple of terrific indecencies.

Come on, Jeanette!

Get off! Get off!

Who you do you think you're fooling around with, huh?

Some kid, some amateur? I'm a pro, baby!

- Barney... - I know the ropes!

I do not think this is funny.

How about a little pot?!

Couple of puffs of pot?

A little joint for Jeanettie, huh?

Barney, get away from me.

I am not kidding!

How about some words? Let's hear language.

Screw! Assholes!

Come on, Jeanette! Take charge here!

- Come on! - I want to go!

Come on...

- Come on... - I'm not kidding!

I'm not kidding, either!

You think I'm kidding?

I don't want to hear your sad stories.

I don't want to hear your heartbreak.

I want your flesh!

Barney, you must be out of your head!

Barney, what's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with...

Nothing's wrong with me, baby!

I know the ropes!

I know where it's at.

I'm in.

Come on, come on.

Take off your sports ensemble, I'll take off my robe.

Barney, please, I'm scared.

You're not like this! I know you're not like this!

Okay, what am I like? Tell me what I'm like.

You're quiet, you're intelligent.

What else?! I want to hear more.

You're not mean.

I've never seen you do a mean thing in my life.

Barney, please, I'm scared to death.

Quiet, intelligent.

I want to hear another one, come on.

You're kind.

You're the kindest man I ever met.

Barney, let me go.

I'm not going to let you go!

You're staying till your pocketbook rots.

I want to hear more!

You're kind and good and intelligent...

You said intelligent already! I heard intelligent.

I want to hear another one I haven't heard before.

- And decent. - Decent!

That's the one I wanted to hear.

Decent! You are! You're decent.

Decent, and what else, Jeanette?

- And loving! - Decent, gentle and loving.

Yes! Yes!

But how can I be, Jeanette?

You said there's nobody decent

gentle and loving in the world.

Just you. Only you, Barney.

- And Thelma? - And Thelma!

Well, that's two, Jeanette.

If there's two, then there must be somebody else.

Come on, Jeanette, let's hear it.

No. I don't know, I don't know!

Come on, I want to hear one more person.

There are no more. There... Mel!

I want Mel!

Why do you want Mel?

'Cause I-I-I... I... I...

I want him, I need him.

Because you love him?

Yes. Yes.

Well, how can you love anybody

that's not gentle, kind and decent?

He is, he is.

I don't care what he's done.

I want Mel.

That's three.

I knew you could come up with it.

What's happened to us, Barney?

What's happened to the world?

I can't keep up with it.

In London, I've read about it.

In New York, I heard about it.

I never expected it in Great Neck.

You okay?

You want to compose yourself?

lt'd take me the rest of my life.

Good-bye.

Bye.

Swear to me

that you'll never breathe a word of this

to a living soul.

May I have a coronary occlusion in my doctor's office, Jeanette.

Say hello to Mel for me.

No, no!

Crazy! What was I starting in for?

I'm a happily married man.

I will never do that again.

Never, never, never, never, never.

Never, never. Mm-mm.

Hello, Thelma. How are you?

Yeah, you busy?

Listen, uh, honey,

why don't we meet this afternoon?

We'll do something.

No, not at the restaurant. At my mother's apartment.

No, she didn't invite us for dinner.

I-I just want you to meet me there, that's all.

No. Stop... stop being stubborn.

I just want you to meet me at my mother's apartment.

No, why... why is that strange?

I don't think that's so strange.

I think it's strange of you to think it's strange of me.