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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,567 --> 00:00:06,527 WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS." MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN. 2 00:00:06,567 --> 00:00:09,467 TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS... 3 00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:11,970 NATURE IS VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT'S THE WHOLE WORLD, 4 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,470 AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL LIKE A WATERFALL. (water splashing) 5 00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:17,970 MOST OF THE WORLD IS UNDERWATER, EVEN TINY SHARKS. (bubbling) 6 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,470 WE LOVE NATURE. 7 00:00:19,500 --> 00:00:20,970 MANY OF US POSE IN FRONT OF IT 8 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,970 AND TRY TO CAPTURE IT, LIKE IN A PHOTO. 9 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,770 OKAY, SAY "CHEESE," GUYS. 10 00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:27,270 BUT IF WE'RE NOT CAREFUL, NATURE CAN CAPTURE US. (bird squawks) 11 00:00:27,300 --> 00:00:29,270 VERY POWERFUL. OH, THAT SUCKS. 12 00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:31,770 PERHAPS MOST POWERFUL IS HUMAN NATURE. (crash) 13 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:34,970 (coughs) WE BLEW IT. (car horns honking) 14 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:39,130 ** 15 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:53,330 (whoosh) (cheering) 16 00:00:53,367 --> 00:00:55,597 THANK YOU. THANK YOU, AUDIENCE. 17 00:00:55,633 --> 00:00:58,203 THANKS. THANKS. (cheering) 18 00:00:58,233 --> 00:01:02,473 WELCOME. WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS." (applause) 19 00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:04,600 TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS... 20 00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,970 OOH, NATURE. THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT. 21 00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:09,467 THAT'S A VERY BIG THING. 22 00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:11,830 A LOT OF WAYS TO COME AT THIS THING. LET'S SEE. 23 00:01:11,867 --> 00:01:15,467 WE COULD "USE A HOE TO PLANT SEEDS"... (laughter) 24 00:01:15,500 --> 00:01:18,200 "USE A WHORE TO PLANT SEEDS"... (laughter) 25 00:01:20,067 --> 00:01:21,867 OR "JOKES." 26 00:01:21,900 --> 00:01:24,100 OOH, THAT'S-- THAT'S A TOUGHIE. 27 00:01:24,133 --> 00:01:27,473 (clicks tongue) UH... 28 00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:30,670 I DON'T REALLY LIKE FARMING. (laughter) 29 00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:32,500 "JOKES." (whoosh) 30 00:01:32,533 --> 00:01:35,073 (electronic tones play) I CAN NEVER REMEMBER THE DIFFERENCE 31 00:01:35,067 --> 00:01:37,067 BETWEEN STALAGMITES AND STALACTITES, 32 00:01:37,067 --> 00:01:40,467 SO I JUST SAY "STALAGS" FOR ALL OF THEM. (laughter) 33 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:42,470 I WALK INTO A CAVE, AND I'LL BE LIKE, 34 00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:45,370 "MAN, THERE ARE A LOT OF STALAGS IN HERE." (laughter) 35 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:46,870 THEN PEOPLE ARE THINKING, 36 00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:48,870 "THIS GUY IS KNOWLEDGEABLE AND LAID-BACK." 37 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:51,470 (laughter) 38 00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:55,300 "WE GOT ONE COOL-ASS SPELUNKER IN THIS CAVE." (laughter) 39 00:01:55,333 --> 00:01:59,503 DUCK HUNTING SEEMS, LIKE, ESPECIALLY CRUEL 40 00:01:59,533 --> 00:02:01,573 BECAUSE YOU'RE FOOLING THE DUCK 41 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:04,570 IN A WAY THAT MAKES HIM THINK HE'S GONNA GET LAID. 42 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,570 (laughter) 43 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,570 BUT THEN HE GETS KILLED. (laughter) 44 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,570 SO A DUCK'S SWIMMING WITH HIS FRIENDS, 45 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,530 AND HE'S LIKE, "QUACK, QUACK. EXCUSE ME FOR A SEC." 46 00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:16,297 (laughter) (amorous voice) "HELLO." 47 00:02:16,333 --> 00:02:18,303 (normal voice) "WHAT?" (imitates gunshot) 48 00:02:18,333 --> 00:02:20,303 (laughter) 49 00:02:20,333 --> 00:02:22,303 THAT'S A (bleep) WAY TO GO. (laughter) 50 00:02:22,333 --> 00:02:24,973 THAT'D BE LIKE KILLING SOMEBODY USING A MANNEQUIN, 51 00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:26,967 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? (laughter) 52 00:02:27,067 --> 00:02:28,967 YOU'RE, LIKE, IN A DEPARTMENT STORE, 53 00:02:29,067 --> 00:02:30,967 AND YOU'RE LIKE, "GUYS, HOLD ON. 54 00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:33,467 "THERE'S A REALLY CUTE GIRL WITH VERY CURRENT STYLE 55 00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:35,770 CHECKING ME OUT." (laughter) 56 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,770 "EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND." (amorous voice) "HELLO." 57 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,200 (normal voice) "WHOA, A RIFLE! WHAT'S UP?" (laughter) 58 00:02:41,233 --> 00:02:44,133 I LIKE WHEN I LISTEN TO A RADIO STATION, 59 00:02:44,167 --> 00:02:46,127 AND THEY SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "Z MORNING ZOO. 60 00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,697 IT'S LIKE A ZOO IN HERE," YOU KNOW? 61 00:02:47,733 --> 00:02:49,173 IT'S LIKE, "WOW, REALLY?" 62 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,170 SO THE RADIO STATION'S LIKE A ZOO? 63 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,670 SO YOU GUYS JUST, LIKE, LIE AROUND IN CAPTIVITY 64 00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:56,670 UNTIL YOU DIE? (laughter) 65 00:02:56,700 --> 00:02:59,800 WOW, THAT'S CRAZY. (laughter) 66 00:02:59,833 --> 00:03:02,803 THAT MUST BE A FUN RADIO STATION. (laughter) 67 00:03:02,833 --> 00:03:04,303 "Z MORNING ZOO. 68 00:03:04,333 --> 00:03:05,973 "THEY FEED US EVENTUALLY, 69 00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:09,267 AND WE HAVE TO LIE AROUND IN OUR OWN FECES." (laughter) 70 00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:11,270 "WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION, CALLER?" 71 00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:13,730 THAT'S WHAT'S WEIRD ABOUT, UH, 72 00:03:13,767 --> 00:03:15,227 BUMS AND TOWELS. 73 00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:17,227 THEY'RE REALLY SIMILAR IN ONE WAY-- 74 00:03:17,267 --> 00:03:20,227 IF YOU BRING 'EM TO THE BEACH, THEN IT BECOMES A BEACH... 75 00:03:20,267 --> 00:03:22,227 (laughter) 76 00:03:22,267 --> 00:03:25,267 BUM OR BEACH TOWEL, YOU KNOW? (laughter) 77 00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:28,300 ONE THING THAT WOULD BE COOL ABOUT BEING REALLY LITTLE 78 00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:31,303 IS THAT A HAND TOWEL WOULD WORK AS, LIKE, A REGULAR TOWEL. 79 00:03:31,333 --> 00:03:33,473 (chuckles) (laughter) 80 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:35,470 JUST A LITTLE GUY AT THE BEACH. 81 00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:38,470 IT'D BE KINDA COOL TO GO TO THE BEACH WITH A TOWEL 82 00:03:38,500 --> 00:03:41,470 AND THEN BRING TWO HAND TOWELS FOR YOUR HANDS. (laughter) 83 00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:43,970 JUST KINDA HANG. 84 00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:45,967 (whoosh) 85 00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:47,967 ** 86 00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:50,497 * LOOK, LOOK, LOOK 87 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,927 * LOOK, LOOK, LOOK 88 00:04:00,567 --> 00:04:02,527 (whoosh) 89 00:04:02,567 --> 00:04:04,967 WE WERE HIKING UP THAT RIDGE OVER THERE, 90 00:04:05,067 --> 00:04:07,297 UM, BUT IT WAS GETTING DARK, SO WE HAD TO GO BACK 91 00:04:07,333 --> 00:04:09,473 TO BASE CAMP TO GET OUR CAMPING STUFF. 92 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:12,100 AND WE WERE BACKTRACKING OUR ROUTE, AND THAT'S WHEN I SAW IT. 93 00:04:12,133 --> 00:04:14,103 I WAS LIKE, "JOE, GRAB THE CAMERA." 94 00:04:14,133 --> 00:04:16,533 (crow cawing) 95 00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:19,527 I'VE ANALYZED THE FOOTAGE, AND IT IS DEFINITELY AUTHENTIC. 96 00:04:19,567 --> 00:04:21,527 UH, USING DIGITAL OVERLAY, 97 00:04:21,567 --> 00:04:23,527 WE SCALED THE IMAGE 98 00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:27,467 AND DETERMINED IT WAS PROBABLY OVER 8 FEET TALL. 99 00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:31,070 I SAID, "OH, MY GOD, THAT'S BIGFOOT. WE GOT BIGFOOT." 100 00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:33,067 BUT IT WASN'T BIGFOOT. 101 00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:35,067 IT WAS "GAYFOOT." 102 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:39,227 (laughter) 103 00:04:39,267 --> 00:04:41,967 SO I'M AT MY CABIN. IT'S HOT OUTSIDE. 104 00:04:42,067 --> 00:04:43,967 I DECIDE TO TAKE A SWIM. 105 00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:46,467 START TAKING MY PANTS OFF, AND I-I LOOK OVER, 106 00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:49,670 AND THERE'S A FIGURE STARING AT ME FROM THE BRUSH. 107 00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:53,270 (laughter) REALLY WELL-GROOMED, FULLY HAIRED. 108 00:04:53,300 --> 00:04:55,500 REALLY NICE, NICE COAT HE HAD ON HIM. 109 00:04:55,533 --> 00:04:57,073 IT WAS ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO. 110 00:04:57,067 --> 00:04:59,067 I WAS HIKING OUTSIDE OF MONTEREY CANYON, 111 00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:01,097 WHEN I JUST FELT THIS CHILL IN THE AIR. 112 00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:03,473 AND I SAW THIS TALL, HAIRY FIGURE 113 00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:05,470 STANDING ON TWO FEET 114 00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:08,070 JUST 30 FEET INTO THE BUSH. 115 00:05:08,067 --> 00:05:09,527 I DIDN'T FEEL THREATENED AT ALL. 116 00:05:09,567 --> 00:05:12,067 I-I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT MEANS THAT HE'S GAY, 117 00:05:12,067 --> 00:05:14,467 BUT DEFINITELY FELT COMFORTABLE WITH HIM 118 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,630 ALL BY MYSELF. 119 00:05:18,133 --> 00:05:22,403 I FOUND OUT ABOUT GAYFOOT WHEN I GOOGLED "GAY" AND "FOOT." (laughter) 120 00:05:22,433 --> 00:05:27,203 (Dr. Wilkens) I WAS THE ONE WHO COINED THE TERM "GAYFOOT," 121 00:05:27,233 --> 00:05:31,073 SO I CALL HIM THAT BECAUSE I THOUGHT OF IT. 122 00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:34,967 BIGFOOT IS CALLED "BIGFOOT" BECAUSE HE HAS BIG FEET. 123 00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:36,967 GAYFOOT-- 124 00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:40,567 SO THE FEET ARE GAY OF THE SASQUATCH? (laughter) 125 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,570 I MEAN, I USE THE TERM "GAYFOOT," 126 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,570 BUT I'M NOT SURE IF HE'S ACTUALLY GAY. 127 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,570 I MEAN, I WAS JUST GUESSING THAT BECAUSE OF HIS WALK. 128 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,170 BUT MAYBE... 129 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,700 I SHOULDN'T JUDGE. 130 00:05:53,733 --> 00:05:56,203 WHO AM I TO SAY WHO'S-- WHO'S GAY, WHO'S NOT GAY, 131 00:05:56,233 --> 00:05:58,703 IF IT'S RIGHT, IF IT'S WRONG? THE GUY WAS 9 FEET TALL. 132 00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:00,903 THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE. 133 00:06:00,933 --> 00:06:04,473 WHO DETERMINES WHETHER A WALK IS GAY OR STRAIGHT? 134 00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:07,370 IS THERE, LIKE, A GAY WALK COUNCIL 135 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:08,870 OR SOMETHING? 136 00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:10,870 (Dr. Wilkens) THE PATTERNS OF FOOTPRINTS 137 00:06:10,900 --> 00:06:14,530 THAT I'VE DISCOVERED DOES INDICATE CLEARLY SKIPPING. 138 00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:16,527 (laughter) IS SKIPPING INTRINSICALLY GAY? 139 00:06:16,567 --> 00:06:19,897 PROBABLY. YES. 140 00:06:19,933 --> 00:06:23,573 UM, DOES--IS IT DEFINITELY GAY? NO. 141 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,570 UH, WOMEN SKIP, CHILDREN SKIP, 142 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:28,370 I SKIP. 143 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,370 I'VE SKIPPED. AM I GAY? YES. 144 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,600 (laughter) 145 00:06:33,633 --> 00:06:36,603 WHO SAYS THAT HAVING A GAY WALK MAKES SOMEBODY GAY? 146 00:06:36,633 --> 00:06:38,373 MAYBE HE JUST WALKS LIKE THAT. 147 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,070 IF I SIT IN A CHAIR, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME HANDICAPPED. 148 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,067 BUT DOES THAT MAKE THE CREATURE GAY 149 00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:46,367 BECAUSE I'M GAY? NO. 150 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:49,370 WOULD I BE GAY WITH THE CREATURE? 151 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,900 (laughs) MAYBE. (laughter) 152 00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:55,473 YEAH. I MEAN, IF I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY FOR SCIENCE, 153 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:59,130 YEAH, I MEAN, FOR ONE SHOT, OF COURSE. 154 00:06:59,167 --> 00:07:02,497 (laughter) 155 00:07:02,533 --> 00:07:04,073 PROFESSOR WILKENS IS AN IDIOT. 156 00:07:04,067 --> 00:07:06,067 HE DOESN'T WORK FOR AN ACCREDITED INSTITUTION 157 00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:07,127 OF ANY KIND. 158 00:07:07,167 --> 00:07:11,367 YES, MOST OF THE CREATURES 159 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:14,370 THAT I HAVE STUDIED ARE-- HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE GAY, 160 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,230 AND THAT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE. 161 00:07:16,267 --> 00:07:19,067 (laughter) (Thomas) I DON'T THINK 162 00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:21,227 SOMEONE CAN MAKE YOU BELIEVE IN GAYFOOT. 163 00:07:21,267 --> 00:07:23,297 I THINK YOU'RE EITHER BORN BELIEVING IN GAYFOOT 164 00:07:23,333 --> 00:07:25,333 OR BEING A SKEPTIC. (laughter) 165 00:07:29,933 --> 00:07:31,903 (Demetri imitates gunshot) (whoosh) 166 00:07:31,933 --> 00:07:35,833 ** 167 00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:39,727 ** 168 00:07:39,767 --> 00:07:41,967 (whoosh) EVERYONE KNOWS THE EXPRESSION 169 00:07:42,067 --> 00:07:44,367 "THROWING OUT THE BABY WITH THE BATHWATER." 170 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,370 I'M NOW GOING TO DEMONSTRATE SOME LESS COMMON EXPRESSIONS 171 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,570 USING SCENE WORK. 172 00:07:52,333 --> 00:07:55,333 (laughter) 173 00:08:00,333 --> 00:08:03,303 SO JENNY WANTS ME TO GO TO HER, UH, HER COUSIN'S WEDDING 174 00:08:03,333 --> 00:08:05,303 IN AUSTRALIA. (Demetri) UH-HUH. 175 00:08:05,333 --> 00:08:08,503 SO I HAVE TO PAY $2,000 TO BE BORED FOR 5 DAYS. 176 00:08:08,533 --> 00:08:10,503 JESUS, JENNY. 177 00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,873 SHE'S FORCING AN OWL TO JOG AT NOON. 178 00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:15,070 (laughter) 179 00:08:18,067 --> 00:08:20,067 YOU'RE ASKING A LOT. 180 00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:23,067 FOR AN OWL TO BE AWAKE AT NOON IS ALREADY A BIG THING TO ASK. (laughter) 181 00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,067 NOW TO FORCE THEM TO GO JOGGING, TOO? 182 00:08:25,067 --> 00:08:28,367 YOU'RE ASKING WAY TOO MUCH HERE. (laughter) 183 00:08:30,533 --> 00:08:32,473 WHAT'S WRONG? AH, 184 00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:35,170 I WORE THE SAME TIE TO WORK AS MY BOSS. 185 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,170 I THINK IT REALLY ANNOYED HIM. 186 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:40,070 RELAX. YOU'RE FARTING NEXT TO A WATERFALL. 187 00:08:40,067 --> 00:08:42,097 (laughter) 188 00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:48,200 (whispers) NO ONE'S GONNA NOTICE. (laughter) 189 00:08:51,067 --> 00:08:53,097 (cheers and applause) 190 00:08:57,367 --> 00:08:59,197 (Demetri) HEY. HEY. SORRY I'M LATE. 191 00:08:59,233 --> 00:09:02,173 AH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. THIS PLACE IS A SNAIL'S ASS (bleep). 192 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,930 (laughter) 193 00:09:03,967 --> 00:09:06,467 ...REALLY HARD TO FIND. 194 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:08,500 (laughter) 195 00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:12,730 (applause) 196 00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:15,267 I HEARD YOU WALKED IN ON TOM LAST NIGHT? 197 00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:18,470 (chuckles) YEAH. I CAUGHT HIM LOG TWOBBLING. 198 00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:21,400 (laughter) 199 00:09:21,433 --> 00:09:24,303 ...DOING SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS BAD, 200 00:09:24,333 --> 00:09:27,633 BUT ACTUALLY ISN'T ANYTHING. (laughter) 201 00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:33,567 I HEARD TIM'S TAKING YOU ON A ROAD TRIP. 202 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,570 YEAH. YEAH. ON A SUNNY DAY? 203 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,530 UH-HUH. (sighs) NOT A GOOD IDEA. 204 00:09:37,567 --> 00:09:38,867 WHY? 205 00:09:38,900 --> 00:09:41,070 IT'S BRIGHT OUT, RIGHT? YEAH. 206 00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:43,830 YEAH, HE'S GOT TESTICLE EYES. (laughter) 207 00:09:45,833 --> 00:09:49,303 ...REALLY SENSITIVE EYES. (laughter) 208 00:09:49,333 --> 00:09:52,533 * WHAT DO YOU SEE, DO YOU SEE? * 209 00:09:52,567 --> 00:09:55,527 * DO YOU SEE? I SEE * 210 00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:58,527 * WHAT DO YOU... (quietly) THE CANOPY OF THIS PARTICULAR FOREST 211 00:09:58,567 --> 00:10:01,527 PROVIDES THE IDEAL HABITAT FOR THE HAMMER SLOTH. 212 00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:03,527 WITH PLENTIFUL SHADE FROM THE SUN 213 00:10:03,567 --> 00:10:05,527 AND AN ABUNDANCE OF LUSH VEGETATION, 214 00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:08,027 WE ARE PERFECTLY SITUATED TO CATCH A GLIMPSE 215 00:10:08,067 --> 00:10:10,027 OF ONE OF NATURE'S MOST BEAUTIFUL 216 00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:12,527 AND RAREST CREATURES. 217 00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:15,027 NOW WE TRACKED THE SLOTH 218 00:10:15,067 --> 00:10:17,527 TO THIS LOCATION. 219 00:10:17,567 --> 00:10:20,027 SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE-- (twig snaps) 220 00:10:20,067 --> 00:10:22,427 (whispers) COME HERE. 221 00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:24,427 (man whispering) THIS IS VERY EXCITING. 222 00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:27,797 WE'VE FOLLOWED THE FLIGHT PATH OF THE BIRD TO ITS NEST. 223 00:10:27,833 --> 00:10:30,003 (whispering) EXCUSE ME. I'VE LOCATED-- 224 00:10:30,033 --> 00:10:32,833 EXCUSE ME. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, ALL RIGHT? 225 00:10:32,867 --> 00:10:34,827 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YEAH, I AM, TOO. 226 00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:36,727 OKAY. OKAY. 227 00:10:36,767 --> 00:10:38,727 WAIT, NO, NO, NO. SHH, SHH! NO, NO, NO, COME HERE. 228 00:10:38,767 --> 00:10:40,727 I CAN'T. I-- SHH, SHH! 229 00:10:40,767 --> 00:10:42,727 I JUST LOCATED THE-- PLEASE BE QUIET. 230 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:45,727 (rustling) SHH. CAN YOU-- GUYS, I NEED YOU GUYS STILL. 231 00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:48,427 NO, NO, NO. YOU GUYS GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE. SHH. WE NEED YOU STILL AND QUIET. 232 00:10:48,467 --> 00:10:50,967 I-I-I-I--THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. YOU GUYS GOTTA CLEAR OUT. OKAY, 233 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,970 I UNDERSTAND. I JUST LOCATED THE NEST. 234 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,470 WHY DON'T WE HAVE THIS CONVERSATION OVER HERE? I CAN'T. I HAVE TO-- 235 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,070 THERE'S A HAMMER SLOTH IN THIS AREA. 236 00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:59,070 THERE'S A (bleep) GROUSE ABOUT TO MATE. 237 00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:00,800 I GOTTA GET IT ON CAMERA RIGHT NOW. 238 00:11:00,833 --> 00:11:02,803 OKAY, FIRST OF ALL-- I'M SORRY TO SWEAR. 239 00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,303 O-OKAY, APOLOGY ACCEPTED. ALL RIGHT. OKAY, THAT'S TERRIFIC. 240 00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:09,673 COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE. I CAN'T. PLEASE-- 241 00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,670 OKAY, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, YOU GOTTA BE QUIET. 242 00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:14,300 YOU GOTTA STAND STILL. I'M GONNA ASK YOU. I'M GONNA ASK YOUR CREW AGAIN. 243 00:11:14,333 --> 00:11:16,303 YOU KNOW, THE RUSTLING NEEDS TO STOP. 244 00:11:16,333 --> 00:11:17,803 (man) OKAY. WE'RE LOSING LIGHT. 245 00:11:17,833 --> 00:11:19,973 SO I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU GUYS WOULD JUST KEEP IT DOWN. 246 00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:22,097 GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES SO I CAN REDO THIS TAKE, ALL RIGHT? 247 00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:24,173 JUST GET OUT OF HERE. SHH. SHH. SHH! 248 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,170 (scoffs) YOU'RE GONNA SCARE YOUR GROUSE AWAY, SO WHY DON'T YOU SHUT IT? 249 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,070 OKAY, HERE WE GO. 250 00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:31,067 THREE, TWO... 251 00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,567 (laughter) 252 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,570 HOW WAS THAT SHOT? DID THAT SHOT WORK OUT FOR YOU? OKAY. 253 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,570 JOHN, DID THAT SHOT WORK OUT? THAT WAS REAL GROWN-UP. THAT'S REAL GROWN-UP, BUDDY. 254 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,570 YEAH. OH, I ALREADY LOST MY SHOT. THERE, THERE'S YOUR SHOT. 255 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,930 HA HA. HA HA HA. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? I ALREADY LOST MY SHOT. 256 00:11:43,967 --> 00:11:46,497 OKAY, I APOLOGIZE, BUT WHERE'S YOUR GROUSE? 257 00:11:46,533 --> 00:11:48,433 RIGHT UP THERE. WHERE? 258 00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:50,427 RIGHT UP IN THAT TREE. (laughter) 259 00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:52,427 WHY DON'T WE GET A SHOT OF IT? IT'S BEAUTIFUL. YEAH, I SEE IT. 260 00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:55,527 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU-- 261 00:11:55,567 --> 00:11:57,367 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT! 262 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,700 YOU GET OUT OF HERE. YOU JUST-- 263 00:11:59,733 --> 00:12:02,303 (grunts) 264 00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:11,670 (grunts) (grunts) 265 00:12:11,700 --> 00:12:14,470 (breathing heavily) 266 00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,070 (laughter) 267 00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:21,070 ABOUT 50 FEET FROM HERE IS A RARE SIGHT INDEED-- 268 00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:23,970 TWO NORTH AMERICAN NATURE DOCUMENTARIANS. 269 00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:26,797 NORMALLY, SOCIALLY AWKWARD AND INTROVERTED, 270 00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:28,833 THEY BECOME VICIOUS-- SON OF A BITCH! 271 00:12:28,867 --> 00:12:30,827 OH, CRAP! GET HIM! 272 00:12:30,867 --> 00:12:32,827 GET HIM! 273 00:12:32,867 --> 00:12:34,827 (man) BETWEEN SOCRATES AND PLATO, 274 00:12:34,867 --> 00:12:37,867 THERE WAS... (dramatic music plays) 275 00:12:39,867 --> 00:12:42,327 (Demetri) THE ENLIGHTENED MAN PAYS CLOSE ATTENTION 276 00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:45,497 TO THE NATURAL WORLD, TO THE TREES, 277 00:12:45,533 --> 00:12:48,973 TO THE SUN, TO THE SKY, 278 00:12:49,067 --> 00:12:51,567 AND ESPECIALLY... (boing) 279 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,630 (boing, thud) 280 00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:57,567 TO THE QUALITY OF HIS SANDALS WHEN STANDING ON A HILL. 281 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:01,100 (dramatic music plays) 282 00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:07,067 ** 283 00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:13,067 (whoosh) THANKS. 284 00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:14,597 I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT SOME THINGS 285 00:13:14,633 --> 00:13:16,373 THAT ARE GOOD, BAD AND INTERESTING 286 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,370 IN A SEGMENT CALLED... 287 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,070 ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO... 288 00:13:22,567 --> 00:13:24,967 GOOD... 289 00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:26,967 BAD FOR... 290 00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:28,927 (laughter) 291 00:13:28,967 --> 00:13:33,327 INTERESTING WHILE CHOOSING BREAST IMPLANTS. (laughter) 292 00:13:35,667 --> 00:13:39,497 OKAY, "THROW BACK THE LITTLE ONES." 293 00:13:39,533 --> 00:13:41,503 GOOD--YOU'RE FISHING. 294 00:13:41,533 --> 00:13:43,503 (laughter) 295 00:13:43,533 --> 00:13:45,503 BAD--YOU'RE ADOPTING. 296 00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:48,603 (laughter) 297 00:13:50,533 --> 00:13:52,503 INTERESTING-- YOU'RE A ROCK STAR, 298 00:13:52,533 --> 00:13:55,173 AND WOMEN ARE THROWING PANTIES ON THE STAGE WITH YOU. (laughter) 299 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,170 (applause) (chuckles) 300 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,100 JUST GOING... 301 00:14:00,133 --> 00:14:02,103 "TOO SMALL." (laughter) 302 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:04,773 (laughs) 303 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,270 (laughs) ACTUALLY, YOU PROBABLY JUST WANT TO THROW BACK 304 00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:10,230 THE REALLY BIG ONES. (laughter) 305 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,227 GRANDMOTHER--NOT FOR ME. HERE YOU GO. 306 00:14:12,267 --> 00:14:13,767 (laughter) 307 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,770 "BUY LOCALLY." 308 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,570 GOOD--VEGETABLES. 309 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:19,570 BAD... 310 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:23,070 (laughter) 311 00:14:23,067 --> 00:14:25,467 INTERESTING-- A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE. 312 00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:28,470 (laughter) 313 00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,770 "HI, I'D LIKE A BRIDE. YEAH, 30 MINUTES? 314 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,770 THAT'D BE GREAT." (laughter) 315 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,670 ALL RIGHT, "SPRAY WITH WATER." 316 00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:38,530 GOOD... (laughter) 317 00:14:38,567 --> 00:14:40,527 BAD--A FLOOD. 318 00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:43,927 (laughter) 319 00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:45,927 INTERESTING... 320 00:14:45,967 --> 00:14:47,427 (laughter) 321 00:14:47,467 --> 00:14:50,367 I'M SORRY. (groans) (laughter) 322 00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:55,627 ALL RIGHT, "WAY TO CATCH A MOUSE." 323 00:14:55,667 --> 00:14:57,627 GOOD... 324 00:14:57,667 --> 00:15:00,527 BAD... (laughter) 325 00:15:02,533 --> 00:15:05,203 INTERESTING... (laughs) 326 00:15:05,233 --> 00:15:09,273 (laughter) (chuckles) 327 00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:12,070 "WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE MOUSE?" 328 00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:14,067 (whoosh) 329 00:15:14,067 --> 00:15:17,067 ** 330 00:15:19,567 --> 00:15:21,527 (man) HAILING FROM SOUTHEASTERN WYOMING, 331 00:15:21,567 --> 00:15:23,627 THIS RED FOX CAME FROM ALMOST NOTHING, 332 00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:25,897 UNTIL HE FOUND A $5 BILL AT A CAMPGROUND 333 00:15:25,933 --> 00:15:27,933 AND BURIED IT. 334 00:15:27,967 --> 00:15:30,927 (cash register bell dings) THIS IS HIS FIRST YEAR ON "THE FORBES 100." 335 00:15:30,967 --> 00:15:34,427 (laughter) HE SOARS THROUGH THE AIR WITH A SUBTLE ELEGANCE. 336 00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:36,427 (eagle screeches) HE IS A BIRD OF PREY, 337 00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:38,427 A NATIONAL SYMBOL OF PRIDE, 338 00:15:38,467 --> 00:15:42,367 AND WITH $1, THE RICHEST BIRD IN THE WORLD. 339 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,530 (cash register bell dings) (laughter) 340 00:15:44,567 --> 00:15:46,527 (swing music playing) HEIR TO THE OAK TREE FORTUNE, 341 00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:48,627 THIS RACCOON INHERITED $3 342 00:15:48,667 --> 00:15:50,967 THAT HIS GRANDFATHER HID IN A TREE. 343 00:15:51,067 --> 00:15:54,797 NOW HE IS THE YOUNGEST MEMBER OF "THE FORBES 100." 344 00:15:54,833 --> 00:15:56,803 (cash register bell dings) WELCOME. 345 00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:59,073 (African music playing) THE AFRICAN SERENGETI, 346 00:15:59,067 --> 00:16:01,097 WHERE SOME OF THE RICHEST ANIMALS IN THE WORLD 347 00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:02,603 COME TO PLAY. 348 00:16:02,633 --> 00:16:04,603 AND WHAT PARTY WOULD BE COMPLETE 349 00:16:04,633 --> 00:16:06,603 WITHOUT THIS UGANDAN SOCIALITE? 350 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:09,973 HER NET WORTH WAS ORIGINALLY COUNTED IN THE TWOS OF DOLLARS. 351 00:16:10,067 --> 00:16:12,227 (laughter) BUT IT HAS DROPPED BY ALMOST 40% 352 00:16:12,267 --> 00:16:14,627 DUE TO UGANDA'S RECENT CURRENCY CRISIS 353 00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:18,367 AND GOING TO THE BATHROOM. (cash register bell dings) 354 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,070 (slow music playing) AND THE WEALTHIEST ANIMAL IN THE WORLD, 355 00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,067 WITH $47, 356 00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:26,097 IS A HERMIT CRAB THAT USES A WALLET FOR A SHELL. 357 00:16:26,133 --> 00:16:28,533 (cash register bell dings) (laughter) 358 00:16:28,567 --> 00:16:30,567 THIS HAS BEEN... 359 00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,967 ** 360 00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:37,967 * THIS IS A SKETCH * YES, IT IS 361 00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:39,967 * THIS IS A SKETCH * THAT'S RIGHT 362 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:42,527 * THIS IS A SKETCH * SKETCH IT UP 363 00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:44,527 * IT'S A SKETCH * SKETCH 364 00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:46,527 (whoosh) 365 00:16:46,567 --> 00:16:49,567 ** 366 00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:53,527 (woman's voice) "DEAR DIARY, 367 00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:55,967 "MAN, THIS GUY DEMETRI IS UNREAL. 368 00:16:56,067 --> 00:16:58,627 "TODAY, HE TAKES ME TO A PICNIC 369 00:16:58,667 --> 00:17:01,067 AND STARTS TALKING ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT." IF WE DON'T HAVE THE ENVIRONMENT, 370 00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:02,867 WHAT DO WE HAVE? 371 00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:04,870 AM I RIGHT? YEAH. 372 00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:06,400 MM. (man) YEAH. 373 00:17:06,433 --> 00:17:09,533 SOON, THIS IS ALL GONNA BE GONE. WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING. 374 00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:11,527 "HOW ABOUT YOU WATER SOME PLANTS 375 00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:14,067 WITH YOUR PLASTIC WATER BOTTLE?" IF YOU'RE NOT DOING SOMETHING 376 00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:16,327 THEN YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM. DON'T YOU THINK SO? YEAH. 377 00:17:16,367 --> 00:17:18,327 I DO THINK SO, ACTUALLY. (man) DEFINITELY. 378 00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:20,897 YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. "IT'S SO OBVIOUS HE'S JUST TRYING 379 00:17:20,933 --> 00:17:23,903 TO GET INTO THAT HIPPIE GIRL'S PANTS." I CAN'T SLEEP SOMETIMES, 'CAUSE I'M JUST THINKING, 380 00:17:23,933 --> 00:17:26,073 WHAT WORLD WILL BE LEFT FOR MY CHILDREN'S CHILDREN? 381 00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:29,497 "IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE CHILDREN, LET'S END THE WORLD NOW." I'M GLAD YOU ASKED ME THAT. 382 00:17:29,533 --> 00:17:32,073 I HAVE A BUNCH OF IDEAS ABOUT THAT. "THEN HE PICKS ME UP 383 00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:34,067 "AND SHOWS THEM A LIST OF SOLUTIONS 384 00:17:34,067 --> 00:17:36,067 HE WROTE UP ON THE DRIVE HERE." 385 00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:37,497 I THINK THEY CAN REUSE COAL, 386 00:17:37,533 --> 00:17:39,873 LIKE, ONCE YOU BURN IT, JUST PUT IT BACK IN. 387 00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:41,330 THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, YEAH. 388 00:17:41,367 --> 00:17:44,067 "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GIRL IS BUYING THIS CRAP." 389 00:17:44,067 --> 00:17:46,067 DON'T FLUSH THE TOILET AS MUCH. 390 00:17:46,067 --> 00:17:49,067 YEAH. AND IF SOMEONE'S LITTERING, LIKE, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT-- 391 00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:51,527 HURT 'EM. "LOOK, I'M ALL FOR NATURE. 392 00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:53,067 "MY PARENTS ARE TREES. 393 00:17:53,067 --> 00:17:55,067 BUT THIS IS JUST NUTS." AND PLUS, ANIMALS. 394 00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:57,527 I THINK WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF ANIMALS. 395 00:17:57,567 --> 00:17:59,767 "PLUS, ANIMALS. WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF ANIMALS. 396 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:03,100 "(bleep) THIS GUY. 397 00:18:03,133 --> 00:18:05,533 SERIOUSLY, (bleep) THIS GUY." (Demetri) ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'LL CLEAN ALL THIS UP. 398 00:18:05,567 --> 00:18:08,597 DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS. YOU SURE? 399 00:18:08,633 --> 00:18:10,603 YEAH, YEAH, I GOT IT. I GOT IT. THANK YOU. AWESOME. 400 00:18:10,633 --> 00:18:12,973 OKAY, COOL. "AND AFTER ALL THAT TALK ABOUT SAVING THE WORLD, 401 00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:16,197 HE RIPS THE PAGE OUT OF ME AND THROWS IT TO THE GROUND." (page rips) 402 00:18:16,233 --> 00:18:19,873 "DOES THIS GUY GET OFFON BEING A HYPOCRITE OR SOMETHING? 403 00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:22,400 "LIKE, DOES LYING TO PEOPLE ACTUALLY,LIKE, GET HIM HORNY? (trash clatters) 404 00:18:22,433 --> 00:18:26,133 "BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T SEE ANY OTHER EXPLANATION FOR THIS. 405 00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:28,127 "I'M SO EMBARRASSED 406 00:18:28,167 --> 00:18:30,467 TO BE HIS NOTEBOOK." 407 00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:32,470 * YEAH, YEAH 408 00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:34,470 NATURE--WHO CAN BEAT NATURE? 409 00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:38,100 YOU HAVE TO BE KIND TO NATURE. 410 00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:44,097 ** 411 00:18:44,133 --> 00:18:46,103 (rimshot plays) 412 00:18:46,133 --> 00:18:48,603 I'D LIKE TO TAKE THINGS DOWN FOR A MINUTE 413 00:18:48,633 --> 00:18:50,603 WITH SOME RUMINATIONS. 414 00:18:50,633 --> 00:18:53,633 ** 415 00:18:55,633 --> 00:18:58,503 BIRD-WATCHING IS HARMLESS 416 00:18:58,533 --> 00:19:01,173 TO US, 417 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,170 BUT TO BIRDS, THAT'S (bleep) CREEPY. 418 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,170 (laughter) 419 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:10,170 ** 420 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:13,700 I WONDER IF THERE ARE ANY BIRDS THAT ARE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? 421 00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:17,670 THAT WOULD SUCK. 422 00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:20,370 (laughter) 423 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:23,400 * RUMINATIONS 424 00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:28,333 (playing harmonica) 425 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,100 I THINK THERE'S A CERTAIN AGE 426 00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:37,873 WHERE YOU STOP CLIMBING TREES FOR FUN. 427 00:19:39,633 --> 00:19:42,903 IF YOU SEE A GROWN-UP IN A TREE, SOMETHING'S WRONG. 428 00:19:42,933 --> 00:19:44,903 (laughter) 429 00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:48,103 ** 430 00:19:48,133 --> 00:19:50,603 IF I WERE A TAXIDERMIST, 431 00:19:50,633 --> 00:19:52,603 AFTER I STUFFED SOME OF THE ANIMALS, 432 00:19:52,633 --> 00:19:55,603 I'D PROBABLY PUT A COUPLE OF 'EM BACK IN THE FOREST. 433 00:19:55,633 --> 00:19:57,603 (laughter) 434 00:19:57,633 --> 00:19:59,603 THEN THE OTHER ANIMALS WOULD THINK 435 00:19:59,633 --> 00:20:03,103 THAT THEY HAVE AN ATTITUDE. (laughter) 436 00:20:03,133 --> 00:20:06,603 "HEY, SQUIRREL, WHAT'S UP? 437 00:20:06,633 --> 00:20:09,373 HELLO! I'M TALKING TO YOU." (laughter) 438 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,370 WHAT A DICK. (laughter) 439 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,400 ** 440 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:21,100 MOST TAXIDERMISTS, WHEN THEY DIE, THEY'RE BURIED. 441 00:20:21,133 --> 00:20:23,603 THAT SEEMS LIKE A WASTED OPPORTUNITY. 442 00:20:23,633 --> 00:20:26,103 (laughter) 443 00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:28,103 IF I WORKED IN A PLANT STORE, 444 00:20:28,133 --> 00:20:30,603 I WOULD WEAR CAMOUFLAGE TO WORK. 445 00:20:30,633 --> 00:20:32,603 (laughter) 446 00:20:32,633 --> 00:20:34,603 THEN IF I WANTED TO TAKE A BREAK, 447 00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:36,603 I'D JUST STAND STILL. 448 00:20:36,633 --> 00:20:38,603 (laughter) 449 00:20:38,633 --> 00:20:41,633 (playing harmonica) 450 00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:54,027 I'M ALLERGIC TO FISH. 451 00:20:54,067 --> 00:20:57,427 SO IF YOU SEE ME FISHING, 452 00:20:57,467 --> 00:21:01,067 THAT'S A DICK MOVE ON MY PART. (laughter) 453 00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:02,867 Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc. 454 00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:10,933 ** 33623

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