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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,733 --> 00:00:05,733 ** 2 00:00:14,033 --> 00:00:17,903 ** 3 00:00:30,633 --> 00:00:33,603 (cheering) 4 00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:36,203 THANK YOU. THANKS, AUDIENCE. WELCOME. 5 00:00:36,233 --> 00:00:38,303 WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS." 6 00:00:38,333 --> 00:00:40,303 MY NAME IS DEMETRI. 7 00:00:40,333 --> 00:00:43,773 TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS 2. 8 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:45,430 (laughter) OOH. 9 00:00:45,467 --> 00:00:47,267 2 IS VERY IMPORTANT. WOW. 10 00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:49,770 IT'S A VERY INVOLVED TOPIC. LET'S SEE. 11 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,030 A LOT OF OPTIONS FOR COVERING 2. 12 00:00:52,067 --> 00:00:55,027 WE COULD "DO EVERY JOKE TWICE"... (laughter) 13 00:00:55,067 --> 00:00:57,997 "DO EVERY JOKE TWICE"... (laughter) 14 00:00:58,033 --> 00:00:59,673 OR "JOKES." 15 00:00:59,700 --> 00:01:01,670 (applause) 16 00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:03,170 HMM... 17 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:06,630 (exhales deeply) LET'S SEE. 18 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,867 "JOKES." (laughter) 19 00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:11,870 I GOT A CAR. 20 00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:14,370 I'M GONNA PUT A BUMPER STICKER ON IT THAT SAYS "PRO-CHOICE." 21 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,070 AND THEN AT THE OTHER END OF THE BUMPER, 22 00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:18,730 I'M GONNA PUT "PRO-LIFE." 23 00:01:18,767 --> 00:01:21,567 THEN WHEN I DRIVE AROUND, I'M JUST GONNA BE LIKE THIS... 24 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,270 (laughter) 25 00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:26,300 HMM... I'M NOT SURE. 26 00:01:28,333 --> 00:01:31,303 IF YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW THE WORLD REALLY SEES YOU, 27 00:01:31,333 --> 00:01:34,503 IT WOULD BE THE SECOND SENTENCE SOMEBODY'S USING TO DESCRIBE YOU 28 00:01:34,533 --> 00:01:36,503 WHEN YOU'RE NOT THERE, 29 00:01:36,533 --> 00:01:39,473 AND THE PERSON LISTENING DOESN'T REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. 30 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,870 I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE. 31 00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:44,400 "HEY, YOU KNOW KEVIN FROM ACCOUNTING, RIGHT?" 32 00:01:44,433 --> 00:01:46,403 (inhales sharply) "KEVIN... 33 00:01:46,433 --> 00:01:48,403 (clicks tongue) "UH, NO, I DON'T-- 34 00:01:48,433 --> 00:01:50,403 I DON'T REMEMBER KEVIN." 35 00:01:50,433 --> 00:01:54,073 "THE MIDGET WITH THE EYE PATCH?" (laughter) 36 00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:56,367 IT'S THE SECOND SENTENCE. 37 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:59,070 I DON'T KNOW WHY WE HAVE HALF-SIZES FOR SHOES. 38 00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:00,597 THAT'S WEIRD. 39 00:02:00,633 --> 00:02:03,073 WE COULD HAVE JUST PICKED TWICE AS MANY SHOE SIZES, 40 00:02:03,067 --> 00:02:05,527 AND THEN YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH FRACTIONS. (laughter) 41 00:02:05,567 --> 00:02:07,697 THEY MUST HAVE PICKED ALL THE SHOE SIZES, 42 00:02:07,733 --> 00:02:09,833 AND THEN PEOPLE'S FEET BECAME MORE SPECIFIC, 43 00:02:09,867 --> 00:02:11,327 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 44 00:02:11,367 --> 00:02:13,497 "OKAY, ALL FINISHED. WE PICKED THE NUMBERS." 45 00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:16,603 "EXCUSE ME, UM, I DON'T FIT IN THE 8 OR THE 9." 46 00:02:16,633 --> 00:02:18,603 "YOU GOTTA BE (bleep) KIDDING ME." 47 00:02:18,633 --> 00:02:20,833 (laughter) 48 00:02:20,867 --> 00:02:24,497 "WE JUST OFFICIALIZED ALL THE SIZES. 49 00:02:24,533 --> 00:02:26,503 "WHERE WERE YOU? 50 00:02:26,533 --> 00:02:28,673 "ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO FRACTIONS. 51 00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:30,730 DAMN IT!" (laughter) 52 00:02:30,767 --> 00:02:33,227 WHENEVER I CROSS THE STREET, I ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS. 53 00:02:33,267 --> 00:02:35,727 YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE CRAZY NOT TO. I ALWAYS DO. 54 00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:38,527 BUT IF I LOOK BOTH WAYS IN ANY OTHER SITUATION IN LIFE, 55 00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:40,527 I LOOK CRAZY. 56 00:02:40,567 --> 00:02:42,497 (laughter) 57 00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:44,733 IF I GET A SLICE OF PIZZA, AND I'M LIKE... 58 00:02:44,767 --> 00:02:47,767 (laughter) 59 00:02:55,733 --> 00:02:58,503 OR IF I'M GONNA PEE, I'M JUST LIKE... 60 00:02:58,533 --> 00:03:01,573 (laughter) 61 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,070 I JUST LOOK LIKE A CREEP. IT'S LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU-- 62 00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:06,067 "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO THIS TOILET, MAN? 63 00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:08,867 WHAT'S THE DEAL?" (laughs) 64 00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:11,330 OR SOMEBODY'S GONNA HAND YOU THEIR BABY. 65 00:03:11,367 --> 00:03:13,327 (laughter) 66 00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:17,497 "YOU WANT TO HOLD HIM?" "SURE." 67 00:03:17,533 --> 00:03:20,073 "GIVE HIM HERE." 68 00:03:21,233 --> 00:03:24,073 * WHAT'S THE NEXT THING IN THE SHOW? * 69 00:03:24,067 --> 00:03:25,897 * I'D LIKE TO KNOW 70 00:03:25,933 --> 00:03:27,573 * WHAT'S THE NEXT THING IN THE SHOW? * 71 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,500 * WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME? 72 00:03:29,533 --> 00:03:31,673 * WHAT'S THE NEXT THING IN THE SHOW? * 73 00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:33,500 * I THOUGHT YOU'D KNOW 74 00:03:33,533 --> 00:03:35,333 * WHAT'S THE NEXT THING IN THE SHOW? * 75 00:03:35,367 --> 00:03:36,827 * SOMEBODY, TELL ME 76 00:03:36,867 --> 00:03:38,497 * HERE WE GO 77 00:03:38,533 --> 00:03:40,973 I'M EXCITED TO MEET HIM. HE SOUNDS VERY NICE, SO... 78 00:03:41,067 --> 00:03:42,967 HE'S REALLY SWEET AND SMART. OH, THAT'S-- 79 00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:44,967 YEAH, HE'S A GENTLEMAN. HEY, SORRY I'M LATE. 80 00:03:45,067 --> 00:03:46,597 YEAH? OH. HEY, HERE HE IS. THIS IS ALLISON. 81 00:03:46,633 --> 00:03:48,833 HI, I'M ALLISON. HI. DAVE. 82 00:03:48,867 --> 00:03:50,327 GOOD TO MEET YOU. DO YOU REMEMBER MIA, MY GIRLFRIEND? 83 00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:52,067 HEY. GOOD TO MEET YOU. YES. I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU. 84 00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:54,270 I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU. OH, GREAT. 85 00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,730 YOU GUYS WORK TOGETHER? IS THAT--YEAH. YEAH. GREAT DRESS. 86 00:03:56,767 --> 00:03:59,167 OH, THANK YOU. IT'S EGGPLANT. VERY NICE. 87 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,230 IT'S ACTUALLY-- IT WAS ADVERTISED... 88 00:04:01,267 --> 00:04:03,527 YEAH, AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, I SAID 'BABIES,' 89 00:04:03,567 --> 00:04:05,067 NOT 'RABIES.'" (both giggle) 90 00:04:05,067 --> 00:04:06,727 WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK, ALLISON? 91 00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,797 OH, I'M A REALTOR. NICE. 92 00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:11,073 I LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE AND SEEING HOUSES, 93 00:04:11,067 --> 00:04:14,297 LIKE, AS I'M TALKING TO THEM, SO IT'S A GOOD COMBINATION. 94 00:04:14,333 --> 00:04:15,973 YEAH. 95 00:04:16,067 --> 00:04:18,267 I ACTUALLY HAVE TO USE THE LADIES' ROOM, SO IF YOU-- 96 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:19,800 OH, I'LL GO WITH YOU. OKAY. 97 00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:23,927 (sighs) WHAT DO YOU THINK? 98 00:04:23,967 --> 00:04:25,527 SHE'S CUTE. SHE'S CUTE, RIGHT? 99 00:04:25,567 --> 00:04:27,567 YEAH. I LIKE HER. SHE IS CUTE. 100 00:04:31,567 --> 00:04:34,727 (woman) SITUATION, LADIES? (Allison) TABLE SIX-- POSSIBLE BOYFRIEND. 101 00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:37,167 (computer beeping) 102 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:38,970 FULL NAME? DAVID FIELDER. 103 00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:40,297 FINGERPRINT SAMPLE. 104 00:04:40,333 --> 00:04:42,573 (laughter) CASUAL OR LONG-TERM? 105 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,070 I'M 32. 106 00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:46,297 SCAN FOR LONG-TERM. "DAVID FIELDER, AGE 34. 107 00:04:46,333 --> 00:04:48,233 "ADDRESS-- 128 HACIENDA BOULEVARD. 108 00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:50,197 "EDUCATION--COLLEGE GRADUATE. 109 00:04:50,233 --> 00:04:52,073 "STATUS--SINGLE. NO CHILDREN. NO OUTSTANDING WARRANTS. 110 00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:55,570 FAVORITE MOVIE-- 'JERRY MAGUIRE.'" (computer beeping) 111 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,970 I FEEL LIKE THERE'S, LIKE, A LITTLE GOOD CHEMISTRY HERE. 112 00:04:58,067 --> 00:05:00,067 I THOUGHT THERE--I DEFINITELY THOUGHT THERE WAS CHEMISTRY. YEAH? 113 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,567 WHAT'S ALLISON'S LAST NAME? 114 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:04,070 I DON'T KNOW. 115 00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:06,600 LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS? THREE-- FIRST IN HIGH SCHOOL, 116 00:05:06,633 --> 00:05:09,273 SECOND DRIFTED APART, THIRD LEFT HIM FOR A JOB IN CHICAGO. 117 00:05:09,300 --> 00:05:10,930 THEY STILL TALK-- NOT TOO OFTEN. 118 00:05:10,967 --> 00:05:13,597 (woman) I GOT THE MOST RECENT EX UP ON SATELLITE ONE, 119 00:05:13,633 --> 00:05:15,833 AND SHE IS... NOT PRETTIER. 120 00:05:15,867 --> 00:05:17,727 (laughter) 121 00:05:17,767 --> 00:05:20,197 DO YOU THINK I CAN TELL THE SPRING BREAK STORY, 122 00:05:20,233 --> 00:05:22,473 OR IS THAT TOO MUCH TOO FAST? TELL IT. 123 00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:23,500 TELL IT? 124 00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:25,103 I'LL SET YOU UP FOR IT. OKAY. 125 00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:27,773 COME ON. COME ON. FULL CREDIT REPORT, 126 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:29,430 LAST SIX GIFTS HE GAVE HIS SISTER, 127 00:05:29,467 --> 00:05:31,397 AND WE HAVE THE LAST WOMAN HE HIT ON IN A BAR. 128 00:05:31,433 --> 00:05:35,073 OKAY. WELL, IT'S NOT THAT DISGUSTING. 129 00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:37,327 (laughter) 130 00:05:37,367 --> 00:05:39,227 CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING ELSE? (Dave) I'M OKAY. 131 00:05:39,267 --> 00:05:44,127 PLAYING SOFTBALL THIS WEEKEND? I DON'T THINK SO. I DON'T KNOW. 132 00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:46,227 WE'VE GOT TO MOVE, PEOPLE. 133 00:05:46,267 --> 00:05:48,967 I JUST REFILLED THEIR WATER. HE DIDN'T LOOK AT MY CHEST. 134 00:05:49,067 --> 00:05:51,467 YOURS DID. (woman) WE GOT TO GET YOU BACK OUT THERE. 135 00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:54,500 WELL, I DON'T KNOW YET! BRING UP THE MOTHER. 136 00:05:54,533 --> 00:05:56,503 MY DAVEIS A NICE BOY. 137 00:05:56,533 --> 00:05:58,503 I BREAST-FED HIM FOR A YEAR, CUT HIM OFF. 138 00:05:58,533 --> 00:06:00,873 THEN I GAVE HIM JUST ENOUGH ATTENTIONTO ENCOURAGE HIM 139 00:06:00,900 --> 00:06:02,870 IN HIS INTERESTS, BUT NOT SO MUCH 140 00:06:02,900 --> 00:06:04,870 THAT HE STOPPED CRAVING THE ACCEPTANCE OF A WOMAN. 141 00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:06,970 IF YOU HAD, LIKE, A TIME MACHINE... YEAH. 142 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:10,827 IF YOU COULD HOOK UP WITH ANY FAMOUS WOMAN... OKAY. 143 00:06:10,867 --> 00:06:13,167 CANDICE BERGEN... IN HER PRIME. WOW. IN HER PRIME. 144 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,570 YEAH. OKAY, 'CAUSE I'M THINKING "MURPHY BROWN," AND I'M JUST-- 145 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,930 NO. PRE-"MURPHY BROWN" BERGEN. 146 00:06:17,967 --> 00:06:20,297 FOR ME, IT WOULD BE... WHO DO YOU GOT? 147 00:06:20,333 --> 00:06:22,833 CLEOPATRA. AND I'VE ONLY SEEN DRAWINGS. CLEOPATRA? 148 00:06:22,867 --> 00:06:24,867 IF SHE LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE THE DRAWINGS... YEAH. 149 00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:27,230 THEN I THINK I'M IN FOR A GOOD TIME. 150 00:06:27,267 --> 00:06:30,497 WE'VE GOT TO MOVE, PEOPLE. WHAT ABOUT SEXUAL KINKS? 151 00:06:30,533 --> 00:06:33,333 WHAT ABOUT SEXUAL KINKS?! WE'LL GET IT TO YOU. 152 00:06:33,367 --> 00:06:34,967 OH, YEAH. HEY. 153 00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:36,967 (laughs) HEY. WELCOME BACK. 154 00:06:37,067 --> 00:06:39,167 THANK YOU. WE HELD DOWN THE FORT. 155 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,100 (laughs) 156 00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:44,273 CAN I INTEREST ANY OF YOU IN SOME DESSERT? 157 00:06:47,267 --> 00:06:49,797 ACTUALLY, I THINK JUST THE CHECK, PLEASE. 158 00:06:49,833 --> 00:06:51,233 (romantic music playing) (woman) YOU GOT IT. THANK YOU. 159 00:06:51,267 --> 00:06:54,567 WHAT DO WE GOT? LET ME TAKE A LOOK HERE. 160 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,070 I ONLY HAD A SALAD, 161 00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:58,070 SO IS IT OKAY IF WE DON'T SPLIT IT FOUR WAYS? 162 00:06:58,100 --> 00:06:59,570 'CAUSE I GOT LESS THAN EVERYBODY ELSE. 163 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,470 (music stops) WE'LL JUST PUT IN WHAT WE GOT. 164 00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:03,500 OH, THAT MAKES SENSE. COOL. 165 00:07:03,533 --> 00:07:06,873 THIS WAS REALLY FUN. I HAD A GOOD TIME. 166 00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:08,630 I FORGOT MY WALLET. CAN YOU SPOT ME? 167 00:07:08,667 --> 00:07:10,667 YEAH. GET THE MONEY, WILL YOU? 168 00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:12,300 WILL YOU TAKE OUT THE MONEY? 169 00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:13,903 ARE WE GOING OUT AFTER THIS? 170 00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:17,533 (computer voice) ABORT. ABORT. ABORT. ABORT. UPDATE HIS FILE. 171 00:07:26,067 --> 00:07:27,967 (man imitates explosion) 172 00:07:28,067 --> 00:07:30,897 ** 173 00:07:36,833 --> 00:07:39,833 ** 174 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,570 THERE ARE A LOT OF COMMON WORDS 175 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,070 THAT HAVE SECOND MEANINGS YOU MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD. 176 00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:53,530 (strums ukulele) HERE ARE SOME OF THEM... 177 00:07:55,733 --> 00:07:58,873 FIRST MEANING-- "A HUNTER." 178 00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:00,930 SECOND MEANING-- 179 00:08:00,967 --> 00:08:03,927 "SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE HEINZ KETCHUP THAT MUCH." 180 00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:07,127 (laughter) 181 00:08:07,167 --> 00:08:09,127 "HEY, MAN, 182 00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:11,127 WHAT DO YOU WANT ON YOUR BURGER?" 183 00:08:11,167 --> 00:08:13,627 "OH, ME? I'M A HUNTSMAN." 184 00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:16,627 (laughter) 185 00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:18,367 SECOND MEANING... 186 00:08:22,233 --> 00:08:24,903 FIRST MEANING-- 187 00:08:24,933 --> 00:08:26,933 "EXPRESSION OF DISCONTENT." 188 00:08:29,567 --> 00:08:31,627 SECOND MEANING-- 189 00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:33,727 "HOW A BABY DESCRIBES A MURDER." 190 00:08:33,767 --> 00:08:36,727 (laughter) 191 00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:38,567 "HONEY, HE SAID 'MURMUR.' 192 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,570 I THINK HE'S GONNA SOLVE THE CRIME." (laughter) 193 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,970 SECOND MEANING... 194 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,070 FIRST MEANING-- 195 00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:51,070 "A THICK, FLAVORFUL SAUCE." 196 00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:53,900 ** 197 00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:56,103 SECOND MEANING-- 198 00:08:56,133 --> 00:08:59,473 "WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE GONNA DIE." 199 00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:01,530 "MAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? 200 00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:03,527 YOU'RE LOOKING A LITTLE GRAVY." 201 00:09:03,567 --> 00:09:05,527 (laughter) 202 00:09:05,567 --> 00:09:07,527 SECOND MEANING. 203 00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:10,797 ** 204 00:09:10,833 --> 00:09:12,973 HEY. 205 00:09:13,067 --> 00:09:15,327 IF YOU BREAK A PENCIL IN HALF, 206 00:09:15,367 --> 00:09:17,497 YOU GET TWO PENCILS. 207 00:09:17,533 --> 00:09:20,273 (belches)EXCUSE ME. 208 00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:22,270 IF YOU BREAK A PEN, 209 00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:26,070 YOU GET ZERO PENS. 210 00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:28,067 THINK ABOUT IT. 211 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:29,667 ALL RIGHT. 212 00:09:29,700 --> 00:09:31,870 IS THERE SOMETHING BEHIND YOUR EAR? 213 00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:33,200 WHAT IS THAT? 214 00:09:33,233 --> 00:09:35,203 OH, A COIN. (giggles) 215 00:09:35,233 --> 00:09:37,533 CHOCOLATE. YUMMY. MMM. 216 00:09:37,567 --> 00:09:39,067 (laughter) 217 00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:41,497 OH, AND I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING BEHIND YOUR EAR, TOO. 218 00:09:41,533 --> 00:09:43,503 (laughs) OH. WHAT IS THAT? 219 00:09:43,533 --> 00:09:46,803 (Ted) I'M LOOKING FOR A BACKYARD FAMILY BARBECUE. 220 00:09:46,833 --> 00:09:49,073 (Eric) HEY, THERE HE IS. HEY. 221 00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:51,270 UNCLE TED, YOU'RE HERE AT THE BARBECUE RIGHT NOW! 222 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,130 (laughs) HEY! 223 00:09:53,167 --> 00:09:54,867 UNCLE TED HAS ARRIVED. 224 00:09:54,900 --> 00:09:57,230 (man) HEY, TED, COME ON IN. LET'S MARCH DOWN THE STAIRS. 225 00:09:57,267 --> 00:09:58,827 (woman) TED, HAVE YOU MET ERIC? 226 00:09:58,867 --> 00:10:01,927 HE'S BILL'S BROTHER IN FOR THE WEEKEND FROM MICHIGAN. 227 00:10:01,967 --> 00:10:04,597 OH, RIGHT. HEY. HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU. 228 00:10:04,633 --> 00:10:06,503 NICE TO MEET YOU, ERIC. UNCLE ERIC. 229 00:10:06,533 --> 00:10:08,503 UNCLE TED. 230 00:10:08,533 --> 00:10:11,103 (laughs) LOOK AT YOU TWO MONSTERS. 231 00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:13,103 OH, YOU CRAZY KIDS. OH, WHAT'S THAT? 232 00:10:13,133 --> 00:10:14,803 IS THERE SOMETHING BEHIND YOUR EAR? 233 00:10:14,833 --> 00:10:18,503 BETTER GET THOSE EARS CLEANED, TED. (laughter) 234 00:10:18,533 --> 00:10:22,003 WELL, UNCLE TED IS HUNGRY. 235 00:10:22,033 --> 00:10:24,003 YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS HUNGRY? 236 00:10:24,033 --> 00:10:27,603 (silly voice) TOMATO MONSTER IS HUNGRY. (laughs) 237 00:10:27,633 --> 00:10:30,603 I AM A TOMATO MONSTER. WATCH OUT FOR MY TOMATO EYES! 238 00:10:30,633 --> 00:10:34,003 WATCH OUT FOR MY TOMATO EYES, ERIC! (laughs) 239 00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:36,673 THE KIDS REALLY LOVE THE TOMATO MONSTER. (Ted laughs) 240 00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:38,170 WELL, I'M READY TO EAT. 241 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,630 UH, IS THIS MY, UH, NAPKIN HERE OR-- 242 00:10:40,667 --> 00:10:42,627 (girls together) IT'S THE TABLECLOTH! (Eric) OH. 243 00:10:42,667 --> 00:10:44,997 (normal voice) YEAH, IT'S THE TABLECLOTH. (laughs) 244 00:10:45,033 --> 00:10:48,103 UM, EXCUSE ME, JASON. 245 00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:51,773 JASON, DO I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY TEETH, HMM? 246 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,230 (laughter) 247 00:10:53,267 --> 00:10:55,467 THAT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING IF I DID. 248 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,530 (woman) WOW, TED. JASON'S USUALLY A PRETTY TOUGH AUDIENCE. 249 00:10:57,567 --> 00:10:59,567 I SAW YOU SMILE, JASON. MMM. 250 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,130 JASON, EXCUSE ME. 251 00:11:01,167 --> 00:11:03,167 I WAS WONDERING IF I HAD SOMETHING IN MY TEETH. 252 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,100 IS THERE SOMETHING IN MY TEETH? 253 00:11:05,133 --> 00:11:07,873 THAT'S THE SAME JOKE AS I JUST DID, RIGHT? 254 00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:09,530 YEAH. REMEMBER? REMEMBER? 255 00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:11,067 WITH A SMALL PIECE, THOUGH. 256 00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:13,167 WITH A BIG PIECE, IT'S KIND OF A DIFFERENT JOKE, ISN'T IT? 257 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,070 I GUESS IT'S PRETTY EASY TO DO AFTER I'VE DONE THE LETTUCE 258 00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:18,067 IN MY TEETH, BUT... YEAH, BUT WHEN IT'S A BIGGER PIECE, 259 00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:20,867 IT'S ACTUALLY A JOKE, AS OPPOSED TO JUST A LITTLE PIECE. WELL, IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, ERIC. I-- 260 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:22,330 UH, OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? 261 00:11:22,367 --> 00:11:24,527 I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS WAS A FORMAL EVENT. 262 00:11:24,567 --> 00:11:26,967 I BETTER, UH, GET MY TIE ON, HUH? 263 00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:28,497 (groaning) PUT MY TIE ON. 264 00:11:28,533 --> 00:11:30,773 (laughing) 265 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,670 GRANDMA! GRANDMA! (laughs) 266 00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:35,170 SORRY I'M LATE. 267 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,170 I GOT CAUGHT IN TRAFFIC, EVERYBODY, 268 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:41,070 AND MY CAR SHRANK ON THE WAY. (laughter) 269 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:43,230 (imitates car horn honking) 270 00:11:45,133 --> 00:11:47,173 (Ted imitates passing gas) 271 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,170 GRANDMA... (laughter) 272 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,170 THAT'S NOT POLITE TO FART. 273 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,170 OH, I FOUND A PHONE, EVERYBODY. 274 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,300 ANYBODY'S PHONE? ANYBODY'S PHONE? 275 00:11:55,333 --> 00:11:58,433 HELLO? WHO'S THERE? OH, WHAT'S THAT, TELEPHONE? THAT'S MY PHONE. CAN I HAVE MY PHONE BACK? 276 00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:00,067 OH, THE PHONE'S TALKING TO ME ITSELF. 277 00:12:00,100 --> 00:12:02,570 YOU WANT TO GO SWIMMING? THE PHONE WANTS TO GO SWIMMING. 278 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,100 OKAY. CAN I HAVE MY PHONE BACK, PLEASE? 279 00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:06,873 (girl giggles) (audience) OH! 280 00:12:10,633 --> 00:12:12,433 ARE YOU (bleep) SERIOUS? (laughter) 281 00:12:12,467 --> 00:12:15,267 YOU JUST THREW MY PHONE IN THE POOL. 282 00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:17,730 (laughs) SORRY, KIDS. (laughs) 283 00:12:17,767 --> 00:12:21,427 I MEAN, WHY WOULD SOMEONE THROW SOMEONE'S PHONE IN A POOL? 284 00:12:21,467 --> 00:12:24,127 (silly voice) THE TOMATO MONSTER. (laughs) 285 00:12:24,167 --> 00:12:26,827 (normal voice) EXCUSE ME, KIDS. 286 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:35,200 THAT WAS A BAD MOVE BACK THERE, BUDDY. YEAH, I KNOW. 287 00:12:35,233 --> 00:12:37,073 EVERYBODY'S MAD AT ME. YEAH. 288 00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:39,067 NOW WHAT? NOW WE FIX IT. 289 00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:41,270 GRAB THE POOL SKIMMER, GET THE PHONE OUT OF THE POOL. 290 00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:43,270 (sighs) YOU PICK IT UP, YOU DRY IT OFF, 291 00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:44,930 AND YOU HAND IT TO ME. I LOOK GRATEFUL. 292 00:12:44,967 --> 00:12:47,167 YOU LOOK LIKE A GOOD GUY FOR GETTING THE PHONE. 293 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,170 ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO THIS, ALL RIGHT? 294 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,900 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION. WHAT? 295 00:12:51,933 --> 00:12:54,073 WAS I FUNNY TODAY? 296 00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:56,297 THE CAR THING WAS FUNNY. 297 00:12:56,333 --> 00:12:58,303 GO. 298 00:12:58,333 --> 00:13:01,733 WHOOPS! (laughter) 299 00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:04,297 (Ted laughing) 300 00:13:04,333 --> 00:13:06,203 (laughter) 301 00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:09,103 I'LL SEE YOU AT THANKSGIVING, UNCLE ERIC. 302 00:13:09,133 --> 00:13:12,533 (laughter) 303 00:13:15,333 --> 00:13:18,303 HEY, IF YOU LIKE 2, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE 11. 304 00:13:18,333 --> 00:13:20,633 IT'S THE NUMBER THAT LOOKS THE MOST LIKE 2 305 00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:22,127 THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY 2. 306 00:13:22,167 --> 00:13:24,127 AND PLUS, YOU GET THE EXTRA VALUE. 307 00:13:24,167 --> 00:13:26,127 YOU KNOW, IT'S BIGGER. 308 00:13:26,167 --> 00:13:27,967 WHOA. 309 00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:30,967 ** 310 00:13:31,067 --> 00:13:32,967 YEAH, SO THE CAR STOPS, I GET OUT, 311 00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,067 AND WE WERE, LIKE, RIGHT ON THE EDGE. RIGHT-- WAIT, HOLD ON. 312 00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:37,597 I'M HAVING CRAZY DéJà VU. 313 00:13:37,633 --> 00:13:40,303 JUST SOMETHING ABOUT THE-- 314 00:13:40,333 --> 00:13:42,073 THE BRANCH HERE. 315 00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:45,570 LIKE, H-HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU BEFORE? 316 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,870 (bell dings) 317 00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:49,900 (bell dings) 318 00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:57,697 UH, YEAH. DéJà VU? YEAH. DéJà VU. 319 00:13:57,733 --> 00:13:59,803 WOW. 320 00:13:59,833 --> 00:14:01,873 SO WE'RE DRIVING UP. WE GET TO THE TOP, 321 00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:05,130 AND I GET OUT OF THE CAR, AND WE'RE RIGHT ON THE EDGE. I'M SORRY. 322 00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:08,367 I-I'M HAVING DéJà VU. 323 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,100 COOL. 324 00:14:10,133 --> 00:14:12,473 (bell dings) 325 00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:14,500 (bell dings) 326 00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,903 YEAH, IT'S REALLY STRANGE. 327 00:14:20,933 --> 00:14:23,773 THAT'S SO COOL. GOD, THAT'S INTERESTING. 328 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,070 THANKS. (laughs) 329 00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:29,100 ** 330 00:15:19,833 --> 00:15:21,803 STOP. OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. 331 00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:23,803 (cheers and applause) 332 00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:25,503 (siren wails) 333 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,603 WHAT'S THE SECOND BASEMAN'S NAME? I DON'T EVEN GET PAST THE F-- 334 00:15:35,633 --> 00:15:37,173 ALL RIGHT, WHO'S ON SECOND? 335 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,300 WHO'S ON FIRST. WHAT BASE DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT? 336 00:15:39,333 --> 00:15:41,533 (man) THEY SAY IN COMEDY, THE STRAIGHT MAN IS EVERYTHING. 337 00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:43,527 IF YOU DON'T HAVE A GOOD STRAIGHT MAN, 338 00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,527 YOU DON'T HAVE AN ACT. 339 00:15:45,567 --> 00:15:47,127 BILL MAX AND STAN MINTZ 340 00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:49,867 WERE BOTH THE STRAIGHT MEN IN SEPARATE COMEDY ACTS, 341 00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:51,670 BUT WHEN BOTH THEIR COMIC COUNTERPARTS 342 00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:53,670 WERE KILLED IN TRAGIC ACCIDENTS, 343 00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:55,670 MAX AND MINTZ, LEFT WITHOUT PARTNERS, 344 00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:57,670 DECIDED TO TEAM UP TOGETHER-- 345 00:15:57,700 --> 00:15:59,800 THE FIRST-EVER DUO 346 00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:01,733 WITH TWO STRAIGHT MEN. 347 00:16:01,767 --> 00:16:03,897 HEY, UH, HAVE YOU BEEN SHOPPING LATELY? 348 00:16:03,933 --> 00:16:06,903 UH, YES, I DID. I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. 349 00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:09,733 HOW WAS THAT? UH, IT-- KIND OF UNEVENTFUL. 350 00:16:09,767 --> 00:16:11,467 ALL RIGHT. 351 00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:13,700 (man) AT FIRST, AUDIENCES DIDN'T KNOW 352 00:16:13,733 --> 00:16:15,103 WHAT TO MAKE OF THEM, 353 00:16:15,133 --> 00:16:18,303 BUT SOON, MOSTLY THANKS TO THE HORRORS OF WORLD WAR II, 354 00:16:18,333 --> 00:16:20,603 AUDIENCES WERE DESPERATELY LOOKING 355 00:16:20,633 --> 00:16:22,103 FOR REASONS TO LAUGH, 356 00:16:22,133 --> 00:16:25,103 AND MAX AND MINTZ WERE ON THEIR WAY. 357 00:16:25,133 --> 00:16:27,803 SO I HEARD YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW'S COMING TO VISIT. 358 00:16:27,833 --> 00:16:29,803 IS THAT TRUE? MY MOTHER-IN-LAW? 359 00:16:29,833 --> 00:16:31,803 YEAH, YOU TOLD ME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW'S 360 00:16:31,833 --> 00:16:34,303 COMING TO VISIT. ARE YOU SUREIT WASN'T YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW? 361 00:16:34,333 --> 00:16:37,303 NO, IT'S NOT MINE. I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME IT WAS YOURS. NO, THAT WASN'T ME. 362 00:16:37,333 --> 00:16:39,103 HMM.WELL, I STAND CORRECTED. 363 00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:41,403 (laughing) 364 00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:43,403 (man) SOON, THEY WERE WORKINGLAS VEGAS, 365 00:16:43,433 --> 00:16:45,633 AND IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE HOLLYWOOD CAME CALLING, 366 00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:47,867 LEADING TO THEIR FEATURE FILM DEBUT, 367 00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:50,130 "MAX AND MINTZ OUT WEST." 368 00:16:50,167 --> 00:16:53,297 (western music playing) 369 00:16:53,333 --> 00:16:55,803 WELL, HERE WE ARE IN THE WEST. HERE WE ARE. 370 00:16:55,833 --> 00:16:58,073 SO I HEAR YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW'S COMING TO VISIT. 371 00:16:58,067 --> 00:17:00,367 NO, MYMOTHER-IN-LAW'S NOT VISITING THIS COWBOY. 372 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,370 WHAT ABOUT YOURS? MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S NOT COMING. 373 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,370 I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW 374 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,800 WAS COMING TO VISIT. NO, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN THE SHERIFF. 375 00:17:06,833 --> 00:17:09,233 (man) THEY HAD A LONG CAREER ON THE SILVER SCREEN, 376 00:17:09,267 --> 00:17:11,227 BUT TO THIS DAY, THEY'RE BEST REMEMBERED 377 00:17:11,267 --> 00:17:13,227 FOR THEIR CLASSIC STAGE ROUTINES 378 00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:16,227 AND THE MOST FAMOUS OF THOSE, THE NEW CAR BIT. 379 00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:19,497 SO I HEAR YOU BOUGHT A NEW CAR. YOU HEARD I BOUGHT A NEW CAR? 380 00:17:19,533 --> 00:17:21,503 YES, I HEARD YOU BOUGHT A NEW CAR. TELL ME ABOUT IT. 381 00:17:21,533 --> 00:17:23,803 DID YOU BUY A NEW CAR? NO, I DIDN'T. I HEARD THAT YOU DID. 382 00:17:23,833 --> 00:17:25,303 TELL ME ABOUT IT. DO YOU HAVE A CAR? 383 00:17:25,333 --> 00:17:27,303 NO, I DON'T HAVE A CAR. I HEARD THAT YOU HAVE A CAR. 384 00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:29,303 TELL ME-- I DO HAVE A CAR. THAT'S CORRECT. 385 00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:31,303 DID YOU HAVE ENGINE PROBLEMS? UH, NOT REALLY. 386 00:17:31,333 --> 00:17:33,303 WELL, I HEARD THAT YOU HAD ENGINE PROBLEMS. 387 00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:35,073 YOU WERE GONNA TELL ME ABOUT IT. 388 00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:37,367 WELL, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE. OH, MY MISTAKE. 389 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:40,300 (laughing) (man) EVERY COMEDIAN NEEDS A STRAIGHT MAN. 390 00:17:40,333 --> 00:17:42,303 THESE TWO SHOWED US 391 00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:44,703 THIS RULE EVEN APPLIES FOR STRAIGHT MEN THEMSELVES. 392 00:17:44,733 --> 00:17:48,103 MAX AND MINTZ-- TRUE CLASSICS. 393 00:17:50,167 --> 00:17:53,167 ** 394 00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:58,167 THIS IS CALLED... 395 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,470 (strumming guitar) 396 00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:02,470 * IN LIFE 397 00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:05,070 * THERE ARE MANY THINGS 398 00:18:06,567 --> 00:18:08,527 * SOME OF THEM ARE THE SAME 399 00:18:08,567 --> 00:18:10,967 * AND SOME ARE OPPOSITES 400 00:18:13,933 --> 00:18:16,673 * A JAIL RECORD IS THE SAME * 401 00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:19,330 * AS A COIN COLLECTION 402 00:18:19,367 --> 00:18:21,327 * THE BIGGER YOURS IS 403 00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:23,427 * THE MORE OF YOUR LIFE YOU'VE WASTED * 404 00:18:23,467 --> 00:18:26,467 (laughter) 405 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,170 * A COFFEE IS THE SAME 406 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,670 * AS A BRA 407 00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:36,930 * THREE CUPS IS ONE TOO MANY * 408 00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:40,067 (laughter) 409 00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:42,430 * YOU SHOULD NEVER PUT YOUR FINGER * 410 00:18:42,467 --> 00:18:44,397 * IN A STRANGER'S 411 00:18:44,433 --> 00:18:46,403 (laughter) 412 00:18:46,433 --> 00:18:49,473 * THESE ARE SAMES & OPPOSITES, MY FRIENDS * 413 00:18:52,067 --> 00:18:55,097 * WHICH I HAVE DETERMINED 414 00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:58,203 (bell dings) (laughter) 415 00:18:58,233 --> 00:19:01,973 (bell dings) 416 00:19:02,067 --> 00:19:04,467 * ONE-NIGHT STANDS ARE THE SAME * 417 00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:07,570 * AS ELEVATOR RIDES WITH STRANGERS * 418 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,070 * IF WE'RE GONNA BE TOGETHER FOR A SHORT TIME * 419 00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:12,630 * HOW ABOUT WE DON'T TALK? (laughter) 420 00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:17,373 * A ROW OF MOTORCYCLES 421 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,170 * IS THE SAME AS DOMINOES 422 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,170 * AT LEAST 423 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:25,400 * WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND * 424 00:19:25,433 --> 00:19:26,933 (laughter) 425 00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:29,267 * A REFRIGERATOR'S THE OPPOSITE * 426 00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:32,070 * OF A DRUG ADDICT 427 00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:34,070 * BECAUSE A FRIDGE STARTS IN A BOX * 428 00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:36,900 * AND THEN MOVES TO A HOUSE 429 00:19:36,933 --> 00:19:40,073 (laughter) (Demetri laughs) 430 00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:42,600 * THAT'S SO FREAKIN' TRUE 431 00:19:42,633 --> 00:19:44,603 (laughter) 432 00:19:44,633 --> 00:19:47,873 * I HOPE THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN TO YOU * 433 00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:49,930 (whispers) STAY COOL. 434 00:19:49,967 --> 00:19:52,967 ** 435 00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:02,997 * A CAT IS THE SAME 436 00:20:03,033 --> 00:20:05,503 * AS A BUMP WHEN IT'S DARK OUT * 437 00:20:05,533 --> 00:20:07,933 (laughter) 438 00:20:09,933 --> 00:20:12,803 * SORRY, UNKNOWN OWNER 439 00:20:12,833 --> 00:20:17,873 (laughter) 440 00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:19,870 * A LOVING PARTNER IS THE SAME * 441 00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:22,900 * AS A JACUZZI 442 00:20:22,933 --> 00:20:24,903 * IT'S WARM AND COMFORTABLE 443 00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:27,573 * AND IT FEELS KIND OF SEXY 444 00:20:28,933 --> 00:20:32,373 * THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S OKAY TO PEE ON IT * 445 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:33,900 (laughter) 446 00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:37,633 * AND THE SAME GOES FOR TAKING A (bleep) * 447 00:20:37,667 --> 00:20:39,827 (laughter) 448 00:20:39,867 --> 00:20:43,867 * THESE ARE SAMES & OPPOSITES, MY FRIENDS * 449 00:20:45,867 --> 00:20:50,827 * WHICH I HAVE DETERMINED... 450 00:20:50,867 --> 00:20:53,067 * THE END 451 00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:56,000 (whispers) FOR NOW. 452 00:20:56,033 --> 00:20:57,873 (cheering) 453 00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:10,627 * I'M DOING A DUET 454 00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:12,597 * BUT THE PERSON DIDN'T SHOW UP * 455 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:17,970 * THIS IS VERY AWKWARD * 456 00:21:18,067 --> 00:21:20,067 * FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA THROW UP * 457 00:21:22,267 --> 00:21:24,897 * GHOST DUET 458 00:21:24,933 --> 00:21:27,573 * GHOST DUET 459 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,130 * WON'T YOU SING WITH ME? * 460 00:21:30,167 --> 00:21:33,627 (laughter) 461 00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:36,497 Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc. 33335

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