Original subtitles

**

**

(cheering)

THANK YOU. THANKS, AUDIENCE. WELCOME.

WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS."

MY NAME IS DEMETRI.

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS 2.

(laughter) OOH.

2 IS VERY IMPORTANT. WOW.

IT'S A VERY INVOLVED TOPIC. LET'S SEE.

A LOT OF OPTIONS FOR COVERING 2.

WE COULD "DO EVERY JOKE TWICE"... (laughter)

"DO EVERY JOKE TWICE"... (laughter)

OR "JOKES."

(applause)

HMM...

(exhales deeply) LET'S SEE.

"JOKES." (laughter)

I GOT A CAR.

I'M GONNA PUT A BUMPER STICKER ON IT THAT SAYS "PRO-CHOICE."

AND THEN AT THE OTHER END OF THE BUMPER,

I'M GONNA PUT "PRO-LIFE."

THEN WHEN I DRIVE AROUND, I'M JUST GONNA BE LIKE THIS...

(laughter)

HMM... I'M NOT SURE.

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW THE WORLD REALLY SEES YOU,

IT WOULD BE THE SECOND SENTENCE SOMEBODY'S USING TO DESCRIBE YOU

WHEN YOU'RE NOT THERE,

AND THE PERSON LISTENING DOESN'T REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

"HEY, YOU KNOW KEVIN FROM ACCOUNTING, RIGHT?"

(inhales sharply) "KEVIN...

(clicks tongue) "UH, NO, I DON'T--

I DON'T REMEMBER KEVIN."

"THE MIDGET WITH THE EYE PATCH?" (laughter)

IT'S THE SECOND SENTENCE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE HAVE HALF-SIZES FOR SHOES.

THAT'S WEIRD.

WE COULD HAVE JUST PICKED TWICE AS MANY SHOE SIZES,

AND THEN YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH FRACTIONS. (laughter)

THEY MUST HAVE PICKED ALL THE SHOE SIZES,

AND THEN PEOPLE'S FEET BECAME MORE SPECIFIC,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"OKAY, ALL FINISHED. WE PICKED THE NUMBERS."

"EXCUSE ME, UM, I DON'T FIT IN THE 8 OR THE 9."

"YOU GOTTA BE (bleep) KIDDING ME."

(laughter)

"WE JUST OFFICIALIZED ALL THE SIZES.

"WHERE WERE YOU?

"ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO FRACTIONS.

DAMN IT!" (laughter)

WHENEVER I CROSS THE STREET, I ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS.

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE CRAZY NOT TO. I ALWAYS DO.

BUT IF I LOOK BOTH WAYS IN ANY OTHER SITUATION IN LIFE,

I LOOK CRAZY.

(laughter)

IF I GET A SLICE OF PIZZA, AND I'M LIKE...

(laughter)

OR IF I'M GONNA PEE, I'M JUST LIKE...

(laughter)

I JUST LOOK LIKE A CREEP. IT'S LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU--

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO THIS TOILET, MAN?

WHAT'S THE DEAL?" (laughs)

OR SOMEBODY'S GONNA HAND YOU THEIR BABY.

(laughter)

"YOU WANT TO HOLD HIM?" "SURE."

"GIVE HIM HERE."

* WHAT'S THE NEXT THING IN THE SHOW? *

* I'D LIKE TO KNOW

* WHAT'S THE NEXT THING IN THE SHOW? *

* WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME?

* WHAT'S THE NEXT THING IN THE SHOW? *

* I THOUGHT YOU'D KNOW

* WHAT'S THE NEXT THING IN THE SHOW? *

* SOMEBODY, TELL ME

* HERE WE GO

I'M EXCITED TO MEET HIM. HE SOUNDS VERY NICE, SO...

HE'S REALLY SWEET AND SMART. OH, THAT'S--

YEAH, HE'S A GENTLEMAN. HEY, SORRY I'M LATE.

YEAH? OH. HEY, HERE HE IS. THIS IS ALLISON.

HI, I'M ALLISON. HI. DAVE.

GOOD TO MEET YOU. DO YOU REMEMBER MIA, MY GIRLFRIEND?

HEY. GOOD TO MEET YOU. YES. I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.

I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU. OH, GREAT.

YOU GUYS WORK TOGETHER? IS THAT--YEAH. YEAH. GREAT DRESS.

OH, THANK YOU. IT'S EGGPLANT. VERY NICE.

IT'S ACTUALLY-- IT WAS ADVERTISED...

YEAH, AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, I SAID 'BABIES,'

NOT 'RABIES.'" (both giggle)

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK, ALLISON?

OH, I'M A REALTOR. NICE.

I LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE AND SEEING HOUSES,

LIKE, AS I'M TALKING TO THEM, SO IT'S A GOOD COMBINATION.

YEAH.

I ACTUALLY HAVE TO USE THE LADIES' ROOM, SO IF YOU--

OH, I'LL GO WITH YOU. OKAY.

(sighs) WHAT DO YOU THINK?

SHE'S CUTE. SHE'S CUTE, RIGHT?

YEAH. I LIKE HER. SHE IS CUTE.

(woman) SITUATION, LADIES? (Allison) TABLE SIX-- POSSIBLE BOYFRIEND.

(computer beeping)

FULL NAME? DAVID FIELDER.

FINGERPRINT SAMPLE.

(laughter) CASUAL OR LONG-TERM?

I'M 32.

SCAN FOR LONG-TERM. "DAVID FIELDER, AGE 34.

"ADDRESS-- 128 HACIENDA BOULEVARD.

"EDUCATION--COLLEGE GRADUATE.

"STATUS--SINGLE. NO CHILDREN. NO OUTSTANDING WARRANTS.

FAVORITE MOVIE-- 'JERRY MAGUIRE.'" (computer beeping)

I FEEL LIKE THERE'S, LIKE, A LITTLE GOOD CHEMISTRY HERE.

I THOUGHT THERE--I DEFINITELY THOUGHT THERE WAS CHEMISTRY. YEAH?

WHAT'S ALLISON'S LAST NAME?

I DON'T KNOW.

LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS? THREE-- FIRST IN HIGH SCHOOL,

SECOND DRIFTED APART, THIRD LEFT HIM FOR A JOB IN CHICAGO.

THEY STILL TALK-- NOT TOO OFTEN.

(woman) I GOT THE MOST RECENT EX UP ON SATELLITE ONE,

AND SHE IS... NOT PRETTIER.

(laughter)

DO YOU THINK I CAN TELL THE SPRING BREAK STORY,

OR IS THAT TOO MUCH TOO FAST? TELL IT.

TELL IT?

I'LL SET YOU UP FOR IT. OKAY.

COME ON. COME ON. FULL CREDIT REPORT,

LAST SIX GIFTS HE GAVE HIS SISTER,

AND WE HAVE THE LAST WOMAN HE HIT ON IN A BAR.

OKAY. WELL, IT'S NOT THAT DISGUSTING.

(laughter)

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING ELSE? (Dave) I'M OKAY.

PLAYING SOFTBALL THIS WEEKEND? I DON'T THINK SO. I DON'T KNOW.

WE'VE GOT TO MOVE, PEOPLE.

I JUST REFILLED THEIR WATER. HE DIDN'T LOOK AT MY CHEST.

YOURS DID. (woman) WE GOT TO GET YOU BACK OUT THERE.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW YET! BRING UP THE MOTHER.

MY DAVEIS A NICE BOY.

I BREAST-FED HIM FOR A YEAR, CUT HIM OFF.

THEN I GAVE HIM JUST ENOUGH ATTENTIONTO ENCOURAGE HIM

IN HIS INTERESTS, BUT NOT SO MUCH

THAT HE STOPPED CRAVING THE ACCEPTANCE OF A WOMAN.

IF YOU HAD, LIKE, A TIME MACHINE... YEAH.

IF YOU COULD HOOK UP WITH ANY FAMOUS WOMAN... OKAY.

CANDICE BERGEN... IN HER PRIME. WOW. IN HER PRIME.

YEAH. OKAY, 'CAUSE I'M THINKING "MURPHY BROWN," AND I'M JUST--

NO. PRE-"MURPHY BROWN" BERGEN.

FOR ME, IT WOULD BE... WHO DO YOU GOT?

CLEOPATRA. AND I'VE ONLY SEEN DRAWINGS. CLEOPATRA?

IF SHE LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE THE DRAWINGS... YEAH.

THEN I THINK I'M IN FOR A GOOD TIME.

WE'VE GOT TO MOVE, PEOPLE. WHAT ABOUT SEXUAL KINKS?

WHAT ABOUT SEXUAL KINKS?! WE'LL GET IT TO YOU.

OH, YEAH. HEY.

(laughs) HEY. WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU. WE HELD DOWN THE FORT.

(laughs)

CAN I INTEREST ANY OF YOU IN SOME DESSERT?

ACTUALLY, I THINK JUST THE CHECK, PLEASE.

(romantic music playing) (woman) YOU GOT IT. THANK YOU.

WHAT DO WE GOT? LET ME TAKE A LOOK HERE.

I ONLY HAD A SALAD,

SO IS IT OKAY IF WE DON'T SPLIT IT FOUR WAYS?

'CAUSE I GOT LESS THAN EVERYBODY ELSE.

(music stops) WE'LL JUST PUT IN WHAT WE GOT.

OH, THAT MAKES SENSE. COOL.

THIS WAS REALLY FUN. I HAD A GOOD TIME.

I FORGOT MY WALLET. CAN YOU SPOT ME?

YEAH. GET THE MONEY, WILL YOU?

WILL YOU TAKE OUT THE MONEY?

ARE WE GOING OUT AFTER THIS?

(computer voice) ABORT. ABORT. ABORT. ABORT. UPDATE HIS FILE.

(man imitates explosion)

**

**

THERE ARE A LOT OF COMMON WORDS

THAT HAVE SECOND MEANINGS YOU MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD.

(strums ukulele) HERE ARE SOME OF THEM...

FIRST MEANING-- "A HUNTER."

SECOND MEANING--

"SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE HEINZ KETCHUP THAT MUCH."

(laughter)

"HEY, MAN,

WHAT DO YOU WANT ON YOUR BURGER?"

"OH, ME? I'M A HUNTSMAN."

(laughter)

SECOND MEANING...

FIRST MEANING--

"EXPRESSION OF DISCONTENT."

SECOND MEANING--

"HOW A BABY DESCRIBES A MURDER."

(laughter)

"HONEY, HE SAID 'MURMUR.'

I THINK HE'S GONNA SOLVE THE CRIME." (laughter)

SECOND MEANING...

FIRST MEANING--

"A THICK, FLAVORFUL SAUCE."

**

SECOND MEANING--

"WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE GONNA DIE."

"MAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE LOOKING A LITTLE GRAVY."

(laughter)

SECOND MEANING.

**

HEY.

IF YOU BREAK A PENCIL IN HALF,

YOU GET TWO PENCILS.

(belches)EXCUSE ME.

IF YOU BREAK A PEN,

YOU GET ZERO PENS.

THINK ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

IS THERE SOMETHING BEHIND YOUR EAR?

WHAT IS THAT?

OH, A COIN. (giggles)

CHOCOLATE. YUMMY. MMM.

(laughter)

OH, AND I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING BEHIND YOUR EAR, TOO.

(laughs) OH. WHAT IS THAT?

(Ted) I'M LOOKING FOR A BACKYARD FAMILY BARBECUE.

(Eric) HEY, THERE HE IS. HEY.

UNCLE TED, YOU'RE HERE AT THE BARBECUE RIGHT NOW!

(laughs) HEY!

UNCLE TED HAS ARRIVED.

(man) HEY, TED, COME ON IN. LET'S MARCH DOWN THE STAIRS.

(woman) TED, HAVE YOU MET ERIC?

HE'S BILL'S BROTHER IN FOR THE WEEKEND FROM MICHIGAN.

OH, RIGHT. HEY. HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU, ERIC. UNCLE ERIC.

UNCLE TED.

(laughs) LOOK AT YOU TWO MONSTERS.

OH, YOU CRAZY KIDS. OH, WHAT'S THAT?

IS THERE SOMETHING BEHIND YOUR EAR?

BETTER GET THOSE EARS CLEANED, TED. (laughter)

WELL, UNCLE TED IS HUNGRY.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS HUNGRY?

(silly voice) TOMATO MONSTER IS HUNGRY. (laughs)

I AM A TOMATO MONSTER. WATCH OUT FOR MY TOMATO EYES!

WATCH OUT FOR MY TOMATO EYES, ERIC! (laughs)

THE KIDS REALLY LOVE THE TOMATO MONSTER. (Ted laughs)

WELL, I'M READY TO EAT.

UH, IS THIS MY, UH, NAPKIN HERE OR--

(girls together) IT'S THE TABLECLOTH! (Eric) OH.

(normal voice) YEAH, IT'S THE TABLECLOTH. (laughs)

UM, EXCUSE ME, JASON.

JASON, DO I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY TEETH, HMM?

(laughter)

THAT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING IF I DID.

(woman) WOW, TED. JASON'S USUALLY A PRETTY TOUGH AUDIENCE.

I SAW YOU SMILE, JASON. MMM.

JASON, EXCUSE ME.

I WAS WONDERING IF I HAD SOMETHING IN MY TEETH.

IS THERE SOMETHING IN MY TEETH?

THAT'S THE SAME JOKE AS I JUST DID, RIGHT?

YEAH. REMEMBER? REMEMBER?

WITH A SMALL PIECE, THOUGH.

WITH A BIG PIECE, IT'S KIND OF A DIFFERENT JOKE, ISN'T IT?

I GUESS IT'S PRETTY EASY TO DO AFTER I'VE DONE THE LETTUCE

IN MY TEETH, BUT... YEAH, BUT WHEN IT'S A BIGGER PIECE,

IT'S ACTUALLY A JOKE, AS OPPOSED TO JUST A LITTLE PIECE. WELL, IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, ERIC. I--

UH, OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS WAS A FORMAL EVENT.

I BETTER, UH, GET MY TIE ON, HUH?

(groaning) PUT MY TIE ON.

(laughing)

GRANDMA! GRANDMA! (laughs)

SORRY I'M LATE.

I GOT CAUGHT IN TRAFFIC, EVERYBODY,

AND MY CAR SHRANK ON THE WAY. (laughter)

(imitates car horn honking)

(Ted imitates passing gas)

GRANDMA... (laughter)

THAT'S NOT POLITE TO FART.

OH, I FOUND A PHONE, EVERYBODY.

ANYBODY'S PHONE? ANYBODY'S PHONE?

HELLO? WHO'S THERE? OH, WHAT'S THAT, TELEPHONE? THAT'S MY PHONE. CAN I HAVE MY PHONE BACK?

OH, THE PHONE'S TALKING TO ME ITSELF.

YOU WANT TO GO SWIMMING? THE PHONE WANTS TO GO SWIMMING.

OKAY. CAN I HAVE MY PHONE BACK, PLEASE?

(girl giggles) (audience) OH!

ARE YOU (bleep) SERIOUS? (laughter)

YOU JUST THREW MY PHONE IN THE POOL.

(laughs) SORRY, KIDS. (laughs)

I MEAN, WHY WOULD SOMEONE THROW SOMEONE'S PHONE IN A POOL?

(silly voice) THE TOMATO MONSTER. (laughs)

(normal voice) EXCUSE ME, KIDS.

THAT WAS A BAD MOVE BACK THERE, BUDDY. YEAH, I KNOW.

EVERYBODY'S MAD AT ME. YEAH.

NOW WHAT? NOW WE FIX IT.

GRAB THE POOL SKIMMER, GET THE PHONE OUT OF THE POOL.

(sighs) YOU PICK IT UP, YOU DRY IT OFF,

AND YOU HAND IT TO ME. I LOOK GRATEFUL.

YOU LOOK LIKE A GOOD GUY FOR GETTING THE PHONE.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO THIS, ALL RIGHT?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION. WHAT?

WAS I FUNNY TODAY?

THE CAR THING WAS FUNNY.

GO.

WHOOPS! (laughter)

(Ted laughing)

(laughter)

I'LL SEE YOU AT THANKSGIVING, UNCLE ERIC.

(laughter)

HEY, IF YOU LIKE 2, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE 11.

IT'S THE NUMBER THAT LOOKS THE MOST LIKE 2

THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY 2.

AND PLUS, YOU GET THE EXTRA VALUE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S BIGGER.

WHOA.

**

YEAH, SO THE CAR STOPS, I GET OUT,

AND WE WERE, LIKE, RIGHT ON THE EDGE. RIGHT-- WAIT, HOLD ON.

I'M HAVING CRAZY DéJà VU.

JUST SOMETHING ABOUT THE--

THE BRANCH HERE.

LIKE, H-HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU BEFORE?

(bell dings)

(bell dings)

UH, YEAH. DéJà VU? YEAH. DéJà VU.

WOW.

SO WE'RE DRIVING UP. WE GET TO THE TOP,

AND I GET OUT OF THE CAR, AND WE'RE RIGHT ON THE EDGE. I'M SORRY.

I-I'M HAVING DéJà VU.

COOL.

(bell dings)

(bell dings)

YEAH, IT'S REALLY STRANGE.

THAT'S SO COOL. GOD, THAT'S INTERESTING.

THANKS. (laughs)

**

STOP. OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

(cheers and applause)

(siren wails)

WHAT'S THE SECOND BASEMAN'S NAME? I DON'T EVEN GET PAST THE F--

ALL RIGHT, WHO'S ON SECOND?

WHO'S ON FIRST. WHAT BASE DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?

(man) THEY SAY IN COMEDY, THE STRAIGHT MAN IS EVERYTHING.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A GOOD STRAIGHT MAN,

YOU DON'T HAVE AN ACT.

BILL MAX AND STAN MINTZ

WERE BOTH THE STRAIGHT MEN IN SEPARATE COMEDY ACTS,

BUT WHEN BOTH THEIR COMIC COUNTERPARTS

WERE KILLED IN TRAGIC ACCIDENTS,

MAX AND MINTZ, LEFT WITHOUT PARTNERS,

DECIDED TO TEAM UP TOGETHER--

THE FIRST-EVER DUO

WITH TWO STRAIGHT MEN.

HEY, UH, HAVE YOU BEEN SHOPPING LATELY?

UH, YES, I DID. I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY.

HOW WAS THAT? UH, IT-- KIND OF UNEVENTFUL.

ALL RIGHT.

(man) AT FIRST, AUDIENCES DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT TO MAKE OF THEM,

BUT SOON, MOSTLY THANKS TO THE HORRORS OF WORLD WAR II,

AUDIENCES WERE DESPERATELY LOOKING

FOR REASONS TO LAUGH,

AND MAX AND MINTZ WERE ON THEIR WAY.

SO I HEARD YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW'S COMING TO VISIT.

IS THAT TRUE? MY MOTHER-IN-LAW?

YEAH, YOU TOLD ME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW'S

COMING TO VISIT. ARE YOU SUREIT WASN'T YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW?

NO, IT'S NOT MINE. I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME IT WAS YOURS. NO, THAT WASN'T ME.

HMM.WELL, I STAND CORRECTED.

(laughing)

(man) SOON, THEY WERE WORKINGLAS VEGAS,

AND IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE HOLLYWOOD CAME CALLING,

LEADING TO THEIR FEATURE FILM DEBUT,

"MAX AND MINTZ OUT WEST."

(western music playing)

WELL, HERE WE ARE IN THE WEST. HERE WE ARE.

SO I HEAR YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW'S COMING TO VISIT.

NO, MYMOTHER-IN-LAW'S NOT VISITING THIS COWBOY.

WHAT ABOUT YOURS? MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S NOT COMING.

I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW

WAS COMING TO VISIT. NO, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN THE SHERIFF.

(man) THEY HAD A LONG CAREER ON THE SILVER SCREEN,

BUT TO THIS DAY, THEY'RE BEST REMEMBERED

FOR THEIR CLASSIC STAGE ROUTINES

AND THE MOST FAMOUS OF THOSE, THE NEW CAR BIT.

SO I HEAR YOU BOUGHT A NEW CAR. YOU HEARD I BOUGHT A NEW CAR?

YES, I HEARD YOU BOUGHT A NEW CAR. TELL ME ABOUT IT.

DID YOU BUY A NEW CAR? NO, I DIDN'T. I HEARD THAT YOU DID.

TELL ME ABOUT IT. DO YOU HAVE A CAR?

NO, I DON'T HAVE A CAR. I HEARD THAT YOU HAVE A CAR.

TELL ME-- I DO HAVE A CAR. THAT'S CORRECT.

DID YOU HAVE ENGINE PROBLEMS? UH, NOT REALLY.

WELL, I HEARD THAT YOU HAD ENGINE PROBLEMS.

YOU WERE GONNA TELL ME ABOUT IT.

WELL, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE. OH, MY MISTAKE.

(laughing) (man) EVERY COMEDIAN NEEDS A STRAIGHT MAN.

THESE TWO SHOWED US

THIS RULE EVEN APPLIES FOR STRAIGHT MEN THEMSELVES.

MAX AND MINTZ-- TRUE CLASSICS.

**

THIS IS CALLED...

(strumming guitar)

* IN LIFE

* THERE ARE MANY THINGS

* SOME OF THEM ARE THE SAME

* AND SOME ARE OPPOSITES

* A JAIL RECORD IS THE SAME *

* AS A COIN COLLECTION

* THE BIGGER YOURS IS

* THE MORE OF YOUR LIFE YOU'VE WASTED *

(laughter)

* A COFFEE IS THE SAME

* AS A BRA

* THREE CUPS IS ONE TOO MANY *

(laughter)

* YOU SHOULD NEVER PUT YOUR FINGER *

* IN A STRANGER'S

(laughter)

* THESE ARE SAMES & OPPOSITES, MY FRIENDS *

* WHICH I HAVE DETERMINED

(bell dings) (laughter)

(bell dings)

* ONE-NIGHT STANDS ARE THE SAME *

* AS ELEVATOR RIDES WITH STRANGERS *

* IF WE'RE GONNA BE TOGETHER FOR A SHORT TIME *

* HOW ABOUT WE DON'T TALK? (laughter)

* A ROW OF MOTORCYCLES

* IS THE SAME AS DOMINOES

* AT LEAST

* WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND *

(laughter)

* A REFRIGERATOR'S THE OPPOSITE *

* OF A DRUG ADDICT

* BECAUSE A FRIDGE STARTS IN A BOX *

* AND THEN MOVES TO A HOUSE

(laughter) (Demetri laughs)

* THAT'S SO FREAKIN' TRUE

(laughter)

* I HOPE THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN TO YOU *

(whispers) STAY COOL.

**

* A CAT IS THE SAME

* AS A BUMP WHEN IT'S DARK OUT *

(laughter)

* SORRY, UNKNOWN OWNER

(laughter)

* A LOVING PARTNER IS THE SAME *

* AS A JACUZZI

* IT'S WARM AND COMFORTABLE

* AND IT FEELS KIND OF SEXY

* THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S OKAY TO PEE ON IT *

(laughter)

* AND THE SAME GOES FOR TAKING A (bleep) *

(laughter)

* THESE ARE SAMES & OPPOSITES, MY FRIENDS *

* WHICH I HAVE DETERMINED...

* THE END

(whispers) FOR NOW.

(cheering)

* I'M DOING A DUET

* BUT THE PERSON DIDN'T SHOW UP *

* THIS IS VERY AWKWARD *

* FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA THROW UP *

* GHOST DUET

* GHOST DUET

* WON'T YOU SING WITH ME? *

(laughter)

Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.