All language subtitles for Five.Bloody.Graves.1969.1080p.BluRay Η264

(train approaching)

(train whistle)

(police whistle)

(trolley bell)

(singing) Call on Dolly

If your neighbour needs a new romance

Just name the kind of man
your sister wants, and she'll snatch him up

Don't forget to bring your maiden aunts
and she'll match 'em up

Call on

"Mrs Dolly Levi."

She's the one the spinsters recommend

She even found a lovely bride
for poor cousin Isadore

"Social introductions arranged."

Drag your single relations out

In a week you'll have to
send engraved invitations out

"In an atmosphere of elegance
and refinement."

Call on Dolly

"Object: Matrimony."

If your eldest daughter needs a friend

Just name the kind of man your sister
wants, and she'll snatch him up

Don't forget to bring your maiden aunts
and she'll match 'em up

Call on Dolly

If your eldest daughter needs a friend

I have always been a woman
who arranges things

For the pleasure and the profit it derives

I have always been a woman
who arranges things

Like furniture and daffodils and lives

If you want your sister courted,
brother wed or cheese imported

Just leave everything to me

If you want your roof inspected,
eyebrows tweezed or bills collected

Just leave everything to me

If you want your daughter dated,
or some marriage consummated

For a rather modest fee

If you want a husband spotted,
boyfriend traced or chicken potted

I'll arrange for making all arrangements

Just leave everything to me

- Business or pleasure, Mrs Levi?
- Mr Jones, business is always a pleasure.

And you've got more businesses
than a dog has fleas!

As my late husband, Ephraim Levi,
used to say:

"If you have to live from hand to mouth,
you better be ambidextrous!"

If you want your ego bolstered,
muscles toned or chair upholstered

Just leave everything to me

Charming social introductions,
expert mandolin instructions

Just leave everything to me

If you want your culture rounded,
French improved or torso pounded

With a ten-year guarantee

If you want a birth recorded,
collies bred or kittens boarded

I'll proceed to plan the whole procedure

Just leave everything to me

- Where to, Dolly?
- Yonkers.

To handle a highly personal
matter for Mr Vandergelder,

the well-known
unmarried half-a-millionaire.

- Gonna marry him yourself?
- Why, Mr Sullivan,

whatever put such
a preposterous idea into my head?

Your head.

If you want a law abolished,
jury swayed or toenails polished

Just leave everything to me

If you want your liver tested,
glasses made, cash invested

Just leave everything to me

If you want your children coddled,
corsets boned or furs remodelled

Or some nice, fresh fricassee

If you want your bustle shifted,
wedding planned or bosom lifted

Don't be ashamed, girls!
Life is full of secrets and I keep 'em!

I'll discreetly use my own discretion

I'll arrange for making all arrangements

I'll proceed to plan the whole procedure

Just leave everything

To me

- And I'm telling you that I will marry her!
- Not without my permission, you won't!

This is a free country,
not a private kingdom.

She's consented and I'll marry her.

- I'm telling you that you won't.
- I'm telling you I will.

- Never.
- Tomorrow. Today.

Ermengarde is not for you.
You can't support her. You are an artist.

- I make a good living.
- A living, Mr Kemper,

is made by selling something that
everybody needs at least once a year.

And a million is made by producing
something everybody needs every day.

You artists, you painters, produce
nothing that nobody needs, never.

You might as well know,

any way we can find to get married
is right and fair and we'll do it.

You are an impractical,
seven-foot-tall nincompoop.

- That's an insult.
- All the facts about you are insults.

- Thank you for the honour of your visit.
- Ermengarde is of age and there's no law...

Law? The law is there to prevent crime. Men
of sense are there to prevent foolishness.

It is I that will prevent you
from marrying my niece.

And I've already taken the necessary steps.
Mrs Dolly Levi is on her way here even now.

Dolly Levi? Your marriage broker?

Never mind that. She'll pick up Ermengarde
and take her to New York,

and keep her there
until this foolishness is over.

- We'll see about that.
- Thank you again for the honour...

You have to sit still, Mr Vandergelder.

If I cut your throat
it will be practically unintentional.

90% of the people in this world are fools

and the rest are
in great danger of contamination.

Enough of this.
I'm a busy man with things to do.

A scraped chin is the least of them.

I did the best I could, Mr Vandergelder.

- Joe.
- Yes?

I've got special reasons
for looking my best today.

Is there something a little extra
you can do? A little special?

What?

You know, do some of those things
you do to the young fellas.

Smarten me up a little bit.

Face massage. A little perfume water.

All I know is 15 cents' worth, like usual,
and that includes all that's decent to do.

Listen, I don't want you blabbing this,
but I need something extra today

because I'm going to New York
to call on a very refined lady,

name of Miss Irene Molloy.

Your callin' on ladies is none
of my business, Mr Vandergelder.

- Hold your horses, Joe.
- Uncle Horace!

- Uncle Horace!
- Yes, what is it?

- What have you done to Ambrose?
- I had a quiet talk with him.

- You did?
- Yes, I explained to him that he's a fool.

- Oh, Uncle!
- Weeping, weeping - a waste of water.

I've done you a good turn.
You'll thank me when you're 50.

But, Uncle, I love him.

Save your tears for New York,
where they won't be noticed.

- But I love him!
- You don't.

- But I do!
- Leave those things to me.

If I don't marry Ambrose, I know I'll die!

- Of what?
- A broken heart.

Never heard of it. Are you ready
for Mrs Levi when she comes?

Yes.

Well, get ready some more and
stay in your room until she arrives.

(Ermengarde sobs)

Cornelius!

Barnaby!

Cornelius! Barnaby!

- You stamped, Mr Vandergelder?
- Yes, I stamped.

Are my niece's bags at the railroad station?

- Yes.
- And you, did you label them properly?

- Yes.
- Good.

I'm going to New York
on important business,

then I'll be marching in the parade.

- Yes, Mr Vandergelder.
- I'm planning to stay at the Central Hotel.

We've never been here alone,
Mr Vandergelder.

Now, in honour of the occasion, I'll promote
you both. Cornelius, how old are you?

28 3/4, Mr Vandergelder.

Is that all? That's a foolish age
to be at. I thought you were 40.

No, I'm 28 3/4.

Well, a man's not worth a cent till he's 40.

We pay him wages until then
to make mistakes.

- Anyway, I'm promoting you to chief clerk.
- Chief clerk?

- Yes.
- Well, what am I now?

You're an impertinent fool. If you behave,
I'll promote you from fool to chief clerk,

with a raise in your wages.

Thank you, Mr Vandergelder.

You, Barnaby, I'm promoting you from
idiot apprentice to incompetent clerk.

- Thank you, Mr Vandergelder.
- Mr Vandergelder? Mr Vandergelder?

What is it?

Does the chief clerk get
one evening off a week?

So that's how you thank me, eh?
No, sir. You'll attend to the store as usual.

You keep on asking for evenings free
and you'll find you have all your days free.

Yes, Mr Vandergelder.

And when I come back I wanna hear
that you ran the place perfectly.

If I hear of any foolishness, I'll fire you both.

(both) Yes.

You might as well know it now.

When I return there will be
some changes around here.

- You're going to have a mistress.
- I'm too young, Mr Vandergelder.

Not yours, idiot. Mine. I mean,
I'm planning to get married.

- Married?
- Yes, married. Any objections?

No, but...

No, many congratulations,
Mr Vandergelder.

- And to the lady.
- That's none of your business.

- Any questions?
- No, but...

- But what?
- But I mean...

- Speak up.
- Why?

- Why what, damn it! Speak up!
- Why are you getting married?

Let me tell you something, son.

I've worked hard and I've become
rich and friendless and mean.

And in America it's about
as far as you can go.

It's time to be doing
something a little bit foolish.

Besides, I need a steady housekeeper.

It takes a woman, all powdered and pink

To joyously clean out the drain in the sink

And it takes an angel
with long, golden lashes

And soft Dresden fingers
for dumping the ashes

Yes, it takes a woman, a dainty woman

A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife

Oh, yes, it takes a woman

A fragile woman

To bring you the sweet things in life

The frail young maiden,
who's constantly there

For washing and blueing,
and shoeing the mare

And it takes a female for setting the table

And weaning the Guernsey
and cleaning the stable

Yes, it takes a woman

A dainty woman

A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife

Oh, yes, it takes a woman

A fragile woman

To bring you the sweet things in life

And so she'll work until infinity

Three cheers for femininity

(horse neighs)

God bless fem-i-nin-i-ty

And in the winter she'll shovel the ice

And lovingly set out the traps for the mice

She's a joy and treasure
for, practically speaking,

To whom can you turn
when the plumbing is leaking?

To that dainty woman

That fragile woman

That sweetheart, that mistress, that wife

That womanly wife

Oh, yes, it takes a woman

A husky woman

To bring you the sweet things in life

Oh, yes, it takes a woman

A dainty woman

A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife

Oh, yes, it takes a woman

A fragile woman

To bring you the sweet things in life

(Dolly) Well, well, well, well, well.

Good morning, Mr Vandergelder.

Mr Hackl. Mr Tucker.

- Gentlemen.
- Good morning, ma'am.

Uh, morning, Mrs Levi.

How handsome you look today. Ooh,
you absolutely take my breath away.

Ermengarde is crying her eyes out.

You can take her to New York,
but blow her nose first.

If only Irene Molloy could see you now.

Find someplace else to loaf. And you two
get back to the store. Go on!

And don't forget to put
the lid on the sheep dip.

I don't know what's come over you lately,

but you seem to be growing
younger every day.

Well, if a man eats careful, there's
no reason why he should look old.

- You never said a truer word.
- Even if I never see 40... uh, 35, again.

35. I can see that you're the sort
that will be stamping about at 100,

eating five meals a day, like
my Uncle Harry, may he rest in peace.

Let me see your hand, Mr Vandergelder.
Oh, show me your hand.

- Why?
- I'm a judge of hands. I read hands.

- And I use them to get things done.
- Oh! Lord in heaven! Goodness gracious!

Oh, I just can't believe it.
It's such a long lifeline.

- Where?
- From here I don't know where it goes.

It runs right off your hand.
They'll have to hit you with a mallet.

They'll have to stifle you with
a sofa pillow. You'll bury us all.

I will?

Say, you're all spiffed up
today, aren't you?

- Yes.
- And not for this smelly horse, either.

Well, if I had to guess,
I'd say you was goin' somewhere.

Remarkable, Mrs Levi. How do you do it?

Two and two is four, Mr Vandergelder.

With a head like yours
you'll be a rich woman someday.

That's exactly what I had in mind.

Then I suggest you go about your
business and pick up Ermengarde,

- for which I am paying you good money.
- Speaking of business, Mr Vandergelder,

I suppose you've given up
all idea of getting married?

- Is that what you suppose?
- Uh-huh.

Then suppose you listen to this, Mrs Levi.

I've decided I've practically decided
to ask Irene Molloy to be my wife.

- You have?
- Yes, I have.

I'm going to New York and discuss it
with her this very afternoon.

Well, that is just about the best news
I have ever heard, Mr Vandergelder.

Oh, yes, indeed. Marvellous news.
Oh, dear me. Isn't it wonderful?

I mean, I'm racking my brain, trying to
think of something that's made me happier,

but I just can't come up with a thing,
because this is just too wonderful.

Well, it's all your fault, you know.

You put me into this marryin' frame of mind
with all your introductions and scheming.

- A widow has to earn a living.
- One day I wake up

- and the house seems like an empty shell.
- Certainly is.

- And messy, too.
- Certainly is.

A man needs someone
to take out the garbage.

And Irene Molloy's just the one
to do it. Oh, darling girl.

Well, I think it's perfectly wonderful
what's going to happen in your household.

I never did like the idea of all that money
of yours lying around in piles in the bank,

so useless and motionless. As my late
husband, Ephraim Levi, used to say:

"Money should circulate like rainwater."

"It should flow down among the people,
through little dressmakers and restaurants,

setting up a business here,
furnishing a good time there."

I just know that you and Mrs Vandergelder
will see that all your hard-earned wealth

starts flowing in and around
many people's lives, just flowing...

- All right. Stop saying that!
- Pouring out...

So there's nothing more for me to do
but wish you happiness

- and say goodbye.
- Yes, well, goodbye.

And when I get to New York,
I'll tell the girl I had lined up for you,

the heiress, not to wait.

- What did you say?
- Oh, nothing, nothing. A word. "Heiress."

Well, just a minute. That's kind of
unusual, isn't it, Mrs Levi?

Well, I haven't been wearing myself to the
bone hunting up usual girls to interest you.

But now all that's too late.
You're engaged to marry Irene Molloy.

- I am not engaged.
- I cannot keep upsetting

the finest women around
unless you mean business.

- Who said I don't mean business?
- You're playing a very dangerous game.

- Dangerous?
- Of course it's dangerous. It's called

"tampering with a woman's affections".

The only way to save yourself
from that charge

is to get married
to someone soon, very soon.

- Don't worry.
- I won't.

I'll meet you in front of
Irene Molloy's hat shop at 2.30.

- Never mind. You've done your work.
- I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I want to be there to make sure
nothing goes wrong.

Just tend to Ermengarde or else I'll ask
you to return the fee I gave you for that.

- Speaking of money...
- Oh, no. How much?

Well, I left my money in the handbag I took
to the cleaner's just before it burned down.

20! Oh, bless you, and don't you worry
your handsome head about a thing.

Just keep all your thoughts
on that lovely Irene Molloy.

It takes a woman to quietly plan

To take him and change him
to her kind of man

And to gently lead him
where fortune can find him

And not let him know

That the power behind him

Was that dainty woman

That fragile woman

That sweetheart

That mistress

That wife

(Dolly hums)

Da, da, da, da

Da, da, da

(sighs) If he had any taste at all,
he'd have the shutters done over in green.

Mm, forest-green shutters.

- (Ermengarde) What are you doing?
- (Ambrose) Hurry!

- My uncle...
- He just left.

Now quick! We're running away.

- Running away?
- Hurry, before the train gets here!

- Train?
- To New York, to get married.

- We're going to elope.
- Elope? That's such an awful word.

- Oh, Ermengarde.
- My, what a romantic scene.

Oh, Mrs Levi, please explain to Ambrose.
I wanna marry him, but not elope.

- This doesn't concern Mrs Levi.
- Everything concerns Dolly Levi.

- Don't listen to her. I know why you're here.
- To help. Love needs all the help it can get.

- Wait a minute. Listen to me.
- There's no time.

Can we climb in? I feel
an updraught in my underpants.

- Oh, Mrs Levi!
- This is no way to elope.

If you follow my suggestions,
not only will he let you marry

but he'll dance at your wedding.

And not alone, either.
Mr Kemper, can you dance?

- Dance? I'm an artist, Mrs Levi. I paint.
- No problem.

- "Mrs Levi. Painters taught how to dance."
- Here's what we'll do.

- I'm going to take you to New York.
- See? I told you.

You will stay close by. Tonight you will
take her to dinner at the Harmonia Gardens.

There's this man, Rudolph Reisenweber.
He knows me well.

We'll enter you in the polka contest.

The prize is a gold cup and
some money, and you'll win it.

- Oh, the cups we won, my husband and I.
- Now, wait a minute.

I'm surprised you have
acquaintances in a place like that.

Not acquaintances, Ermengarde. Friends.
Dear friends from days gone by.

My late husband, Ephraim Levi, believed
in life, any place you could find it,

wherever there were people,
all kinds of people.

And every Friday night,
even when times were bad,

every Friday night, like clockwork,

down those stairs of the Harmonia
Gardens we came, Ephraim and I.

Not acquaintances, Ermengarde. Friends.

It's all very well for you,
but you're suggesting that we...

Mr Kemper, do you or do you not wish to
show Horace that you mean business?

Yes!

All right, then. Go to the Harmonia
Gardens and say that Mrs Levi sent you.

And, oh... yes, well, tell Rudolph...
Tell Rudolph that Dolly's coming back.

Dolly's coming back?

And I want a table for two
and a chicken for eight o'clock.

Mr Vandergelder will learn of your triumph
and everything will work out beautifully.

- But how, Mrs Levi? How?
- How?

Oh.

28 3/4 years old and I still don't
get an evening free.

When am I gonna begin to live?

Barnaby? How much money have you got?

- Huh?
- I mean, that you can get your hands on?

- About three dollars. Why?
- Barnaby, you and I are going to New York.

Cornelius, we can't. Close the store?

We'll have to, cos some rotten cans
of chicken mash are going to explode.

Holy cabooses! How do you know?

Because I'll light some candles under them.

They'll make such a stink that customers
won't be able to come in for 24 hours.

That'll get us an evening free. We are going
to New York and we are gonna live.

We're gonna have a good meal,
be in danger, get almost arrested.

- And we're gonna spend all our money.
- Holy cabooses!

And one more thing.

We are not coming back to Yonkers
until we've each kissed a girl.

Cornelius, you can't do that.
You don't know any girls.

I'm 28 3/4. I gotta begin sometime.

I'm only 19 1/2.
With me it's not so urgent.

May I make a suggestion, gentlemen?

Mrs Levi.

- I just couldn't help hearing.
- We'll be fired.

- We were only talking.
- Mr Hackl, Mr Tucker,

there is nothing that makes me happier
than the thought of two fine young men

enjoying the company of two lovely ladies.

- What ladies? Where?
- In New York, Mr Hackl,

to which, unless my ears
play me tricks, you are bound.

Now, there's this millinery shop
run by a charming woman.

- "Irene Molloy"?
- And her attractive assistant, Minnie Fay.

And now that you've noted
the address, I have only this to say.

Two o'clock in the afternoon there
is the ideal time for friendly conversation.

Definitely no later than 2.30.

And if you ever say that
this was my suggestion,

well, I should denounce you both
for the terrible liars that you are.

- A millinery shop.
- Women who work!

- Adventure, Barnaby.
- I'm scared.

- Living, Barnaby.
- I'm scared.

- Will ya come, Barnaby?
- Yes, Cornelius! Yes!

The lights of Broadway! Elevated trains!
The stuffed whale at Barnum's museum!

Stuffed whale! Wow!

Women who work! Wow!

All clear up here, Cornelius!
You gonna light 'em all?

Cornelius, look out! That bottom row,

they're swelled up
like they're ready to burst!

- Holy cabooses! What a smell!
- Let's get dressed, Barnaby.

We're going to New York!

Out there

There's a world outside of Yonkers

Way out there beyond
this hick town, Barnaby

There's a slick town, Barnaby

Out there

Full of shine and full of sparkle

Close your eyes and see it glisten, Barnaby

Listen, Barnaby

(explosions)

Put on your Sunday clothes,
there's lots of world out there

Get out the brilliantine and dime cigars

We're gonna find adventure
in the evening air

Girls in white in a perfumed night

Where the lights are bright as the stars

Put on your Sunday clothes,
we're gonna ride through town

In one of those new horse-drawn open cars

We'll see the shows at Delmonico's

And we'll close the town in a whirl

And we won't come home
until we've kissed a girl

Put on your Sunday clothes
when you feel down and out

Strut down the street
and have your picture took

Dressed like a dream
your spirits seem to turn about

That Sunday shine is a certain sign

That you feel as fine as you look

Beneath your parasol
the world is all a smile

That makes you feel brand-new
down to your toes

Get out your feathers, your patent leathers

Your beads and buckles and bows

For there's no blue Monday in your Sunday

No Monday in your Sunday

No Monday in your Sunday clothes

Put on your Sunday clothes
when you feel down and out

Strut down the street
and have your picture took

Dressed like a dream
your spirits seem to turn about

That Sunday shine is a certain sign

That you feel as fine as you look

Beneath your parasol
the world is all a smile

That makes you feel brand-new
down to your toes

Get out your feathers, your patent leathers

Your beads and buckles and bows

For there's no blue Monday
in your Sunday clothes

Put on your Sunday clothes
when you feel down and out

Strut down the street
and have your picture took

Dressed like a dream
your spirits seem to turn about

That Sunday shine is a certain sign

That you feel as fine as you look

Beneath your bowler brim
the world's a simple song

A lovely lilt that makes you tilt your nose

Get out your slickers

Your flannel knickers

Your red suspenders and hose

For there's no blue Monday

In your Sunday

No blue Monday

In your Sunday clothes

Ermengarde, keep smiling.
No man wants a little ninny.

Ambrose, do a turn, let me see.

Mr Hackl, Mr Tucker,
don't forget Irene and Minnie,

just forget you ever heard a word from me.

All aboard! All aboard!

All aboard!

Put on your Sunday clothes,
there's lots of world out there

Put on your silk cravat and patent shoes

We're gonna find adventure
in the evening air

To town we'll trot to a smoky spot

Where the girls are hot as a fuse

Put on your silk high hat
and at the turned-up cuff

We'll wear a handmade
grey suede buttoned glove

You're gonna take New York by storm

We'll join the Astors at Tony Pastor's

And this I'm positive of

That we won't come home

No, we won't come home

No, we won't come home
until we fall in love

Do get done with that, Minnie. The men
are eyeing us for the wrong reason.

- A banana a day keeps the doctor away.
- An apple a day.

Do doctors slip on apple peels?

- How are you, Miss Molloy?
- If I felt any better I'd be indecent.

- You are in a mood today.
- I certainly am.

Not that it's any of my business...
Oh, but is it because? I mean...

I don't mind that you never finish lunch,
but I mind that you never finish sentences.

Well, what I meant was,
are you really going to?

Silly girl, say it. Am I going to
marry Horace Vandergelder?

Yes, I'm seriously
considering it, if he asks me.

Oh, I'd rather die on the rack than
ask you such a personal question,

but why would you?

Because he's rich, that's why. He can rescue
me from the millinery business. I hate hats.

- Hate hats?
- A good afternoon to you, Officer Gogarty.

And the rest of the day to you, Miss Molloy.

Ah, Minnie, why is it that all the attractive
men in New York are married?

Blarney, Miss Molloy! Blarney!

Come on now, get going, all of you.

(Irene and Minnie laugh)

- Oh, the way you talk!
- It's natural to talk about men.

- I mean, what you said about hating hats.
- Particularly the women who buy them.

- You don't mean that.
- Oh, yes, I do, Minnie Fay.

All lady milliners are suspected
of being wicked women.

Half the time those dowagers who come in,
come in merely to stare and wonder.

Oh, how dare they!

And if they were sure,
they'd not set foot in the shop again.

- Well, good riddance. Who needs them?
- We do, unfortunately.

So, do I go out to restaurants?
No, it would be bad for business.

Do I go to balls or theatres or operas?

No, it would be bad for business.

The only men I ever meet are the feather
merchants who come to sell me things.

Minnie, I'm tired of being suspected of being

a wicked woman with
nothing to show for it.

Miss Molloy!

Why does everybody
have adventures but me?

- Adventures?
- Because I have no spirit, no gumption.

Either I marry Horace Vandergelder
or I'm gonna burn this shop down,

break out like a fire engine
and find myself some excitement.

The things you're saying today.
They're just awful.

Oh, aren't they, though?
And I'm enjoying every word of it.

What's this? A return from
Miss Mortimer again?

Same old story. She wants cherries
and feathers. To catch a beau, I suppose.

If you ask me, she'd do better
with a heavy veil.

I told her ribbons down the back
is the thing to catch a gentleman's eye.

But she'd have none of it.

Minnie, make another hat
for Miss Mortimer.

I'm wearing this one myself.

- Oh, but you can't.
- Why not?

Oh, because it's... it's provocative.
That's why not.

Well, who knows that "provocative"
isn't just what I might wanna be today.

I'll be wearing ribbons down my back

This summer

Blue and green and
streaming in the yellow sky

So if someone special comes my way

This summer

He might notice me

Passing by

And so I'll try to make it easier to find me

In the stillness of July

Because a breeze might stir
a rainbow up behind me

That might happen to catch

The gentleman's eye

And he might smile
and take me by the hand

This summer

Making me recall how lovely love can be

And so I will proudly wear

Ribbons down my back

Shining in my hair

That he might notice me

Miss Molloy, you don't love
Horace Vandergelder, do you?

- Of course I don't love him.
- Then how can you... I mean?

Minnie, look. There are two men
staring at the shop.

- Men?
- Uh-huh. Aren't they delicious?

You don't think?

Yes, I do believe
they mean to come in here.

- Men in the shop? What'll we do?
- Why, flirt with them, of course.

- I'll give you the short one.
- You're terrible.

We'll heat them up and drop them cold.
Good practice for married life.

- Let's pretty ourselves up a bit.
- If you say "vamp", I'll scream.

- Vamp!
- Agh!

I must say, I like the tall one.

Adventure, Barnaby.

We can still catch the train back to Yonkers.

I feel dizzy.

Or go see the stuffed whale at the museum.

Women, Barnaby.

Stuffed women!

There's no one here. We can leave.

I'd never forgive myself. Agh!

Are you sure this is an adventure,
Cornelius?

You don't have to ask. When you're
in one, you'll know it all right.

- How much money is left?
- 40 cents for the train,

30 cents for dinner and
20 cents to see the whale.

Well, when they come out,
we'll pretend we're rich.

- That way we won't have to spend a thing.
- Why not say that Mrs Levi sent us?

No, we're not supposed to
ever say that. Shh!

We're two men about town
looking for hats for ladies.

What ladies?

"Good afternoon, ma'am.
Wonderful weather we're having."

"How do you do, ma'am?
And how are your hats?"

"Charmed to make your acquaintance.
Lovely place you have here."

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

- Cornelius Hackl here.
- Barnaby Tucker here.

Irene Molloy here.

I'm very happy to meet you.
Is there anything I can do for you?

See, we're two ladies about town
lookin' for hats to Molloy...

We're hats, you see, and wondered if we
could buy a lady or two to Molloy with for...

We want a hat. Well, for a lady, of course.

And everyone said to go to
Miss Molloy's cos she's so pretty.

I mean her hats are so pretty.

And what sort of hat
would Mrs Hackl be liking?

Oh, no, Miss Molloy, there is no Mrs Hackl.

Yes, there is. Your mother.

She didn't mean that.

- Did you, Miss Molloy?
- Now, this lady friend of yours,

couldn't she come in with you
someday and choose the hat herself?

Impossible. There is no lady friend.

But I thought you said that
you were coming here to choose...

- I mean, she's Barnaby's.
- Huh? What?

Yes, but she lives in Yonkers and she said
to pick out something reasonable.

- Under a dollar.
- Don't be silly, Barnaby.

- Money's no object with us. None at all.
- (Minnie coughs)

Oh, this is my assistant,
Miss Minnie Fay. Mr Hackl. Mr Tucker.

- Good afternoon, ma'am.
- Afternoon ma'am.

Excuse me, Mr Tucker, did you say Yonkers?

Yes, ma'am, we're from Yonkers.

Well, are you?

Yes. And, forgive me for saying this,
but you should see Yonkers, Miss Molloy.

Well, perhaps you and your gentleman
friend here in New York might like to see it.

Some say it's the most
beautiful town in the world.

- That's what they say.
- So I've heard.

But I'm afraid I don't have
a gentleman friend here in New York.

You don't? Barnaby, she doesn't
have a gentleman friend.

Hey, that's too bad. You know, if you
should happen to have a Sunday free...

You're Catholic, aren't you? Don't let that
worry you. I'd be willing to change.

If you're free in the near future, I'd...

Well, we'd like to show you Yonkers
from top to bottom.

It's very historic.

As a matter of fact, I might
be there sooner than you think.

- This Sunday?
- I have a friend who lives in Yonkers.

- You do?
- Perhaps you know him.

I do?

It's always so foolish to ask
in cases like that, isn't it?

Why should you know him?
It's a Mr Vandergelder.

Mr Vandergelder? Oh!

- Horace Vandergelder?
- Of Vandergelder's Hay and Feed?

- Yes. Do you know him?
- (both) Oh, no! No!

No, no, no, no, no, no...

As a matter of fact, he's coming here
to see me this very afternoon.

- Coming here?
- This afternoon?

Cornelius! Cornelius, look!

(Barnaby) It's a wolf trap.

Look out!

- Begging your pardon.
- What are you doing?

- We'll explain later. Help us just this once.
- Come out of there this minute.

We're as innocent as can be, Miss Molloy.

Mr Hackl, Mr Tucker, I insist that
you both come out or I'll be forced to...

Mr Vandergelder, how nice to see you.

- And Dolly Levi, what a surprise.
- Irene, my darling, how well you look.

- You must be in love.
- Afternoon, Miss Molloy.

What a pleasure to have you
in New York, Mr Vandergelder.

Yes, Yonkers lies up there decimated today.

We thought we'd pay you a little visit, Irene.

Unless it's inconvenient?

Inconvenient? Whatever gave you that idea?

Mr Vandergelder thought he saw two
customers in the shop. Two, uh, men?

Men? In a ladies' hat shop?

Come, let's go into my workroom.
I'm so eager for you to see it.

- I've already seen it twice.
- But I need your advice.

Advice from Mr Vandergelder. The whole
city should hear this and grow rich.

Advice is cheap. It's what comes
gift-wrapped that counts.

- I have never heard it put more beautifully.
- Thank you, Mr Vandergelder.

Chocolate-covered peanuts. Unshelled.
They're the expensive kind.

- Why don't we open them in the workroom?
- I've come here today

because I've important
business to discuss with you,

just as soon as Mrs Levi says goodbye.

Pay no attention to me. I'm just browsing.

Business, Mr Vandergelder?
The hay and feed business?

- Well, not exactly.
- A new hat shop in Yonkers?

I hear it's a very beautiful city
and quite historic, according...

Yes, go on. Who's been telling you
about Yonkers, may I ask?

Nobody. A friend.

What friend?

Well, you see, he...

- He?
- Yes, uh... he...

- His name, Miss Molloy?
- What?

His name?

Oh, I believe it was... is...
Mr Cornelius Hackl of Yonkers.

- Cornelius Hackl?
- Yes. Do you know him?

- He's my head clerk.
- He is?

He's been with me for ten years.
Where would you have known him?

Ah, just one of those chance meetings.

Yes, oh, yes, one of those chance meetings.

Chance meetings? Cornelius Hackl has
no right to chance meetings. Where was it?

Really, it's very unlike you
to question me in such a way.

Well, the truth might as well
come out now as later.

Your head clerk is
better known than you think.

Nonsense.

He's here all the time. He goes everywhere.

He's well-liked. Everybody
knows Cornelius Hackl.

He never comes here. He works all day and
then goes to sleep in the bran room at nine.

- So you think, but it's not true.
- Dolly Levi, you are mistaken.

Horace Vandergelder,

you keep your nose so deep in your
accounts you don't know what goes on.

By day, Cornelius Hackl
is your faithful, trusted clerk,

but by night... oh, by night...
He leads a double life, that is all.

Why, he is... why, he's...
why, he's here... at the opera.

At the great restaurants,
in all the fashionable homes.

He's even at the Harmonia Gardens
three times a week.

The fact is, Mr Vandergelder, he is
the wittiest, the gayest, the naughtiest,

most delightful man in New York City.
He's the famous Cornelius Hackl.

It ain't the same man. If I thought Cornelius
Hackl came to New York, I'd discharge him.

Who took the horses out of Jenny Lind's
carriage and pulled her through the streets?

Who dressed up as a waiter and took
an oyster and dropped it right down?

- It's too wicked. I can't say it.
- Say it!

- No, but it was Cornelius Hackl.
- Where'd he get the money?

- Oh, he's very rich.
- Rich? I keep his money in my old safe.

He has $145.36

Oh, you are killing me.
He is one of the Hackls.

- The Hackls?
- Yes, they built the Raritan Canal.

- Then why work for me?
- Well, I'll tell ya.

I don't wanna hear it. I have
a headache. It ain't the same man.

He sleeps in my bran room.
I just made him my chief clerk.

If you had sense, you'd make him a partner.
Irene, I can see you're quite taken with him.

But I only met him once.

Now, don't you be thinking of marrying him.

- Darling, what are you saying?
- He breaks hearts like hickory nuts.

- (Horace) Who?
- Cornelius Hackl.

Miss Molloy, how long
has he been calling on you?

Mr Vandergelder, suppose I were to tell you
that he has not been calling on me?

- Excuse me.
- Not now, Minnie.

- Aaagh!
- Stop singing.

- There's a man!
- That's not amusing.

And we don't wish to be interrupted.

Go back to the workroom
immediately. Immediately.

- The poor dear is tired from overwork.
- If there's a man in there, we'll get him out!

- Whoever you are, come out of there!
- Do you realise what you're saying?

- I certainly do.
- Now just a minute.

Before you make another move or say
another word that you might regret,

- allow me.
- Dolly.

Stand back.

There, you see? So much for this nonsense
about that darling girl hiding a man in there.

I think we'll just forget
you ever said it. It's forgotten.

- (Cornelius sneezes)
- Because there's nobody in there.

- Atchoo!
- God bless you.

Miss Molloy?

Yes, Mr Vandergelder,
there is a man in there.

- I see.
- There also happens to be an explanation.

For the present, I think I should just thank
you for your visit and say good afternoon.

(Barnaby sneezes)

Atchoo!

- Another?
- Another.

Good Lord, the whole room is crawling
with men. Irene, darling, congratulations.

Miss Molloy, I shan't trouble you
again. And I hope vice versa.

Horace, where are you going?

To march in the 14th Street parade
with the kind of people I can trust.

700 men.

Shut up!

- Now.
- (all talk at once)

- Have you met Miss Minnie Fay?
- Leave my shop or I'll call Officer Gogarty.

Irene, there's no fun in the jailhouse.

- (shouting)
- Everybody, don't talk at once.

- Just because you're rich...
- Don't deny it.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't
make up for this.

- We'll do anything.
- This is Cornelius Hackl.

- We've already met. How do you do?
- Jail is absolutely out.

- Cornelius, explain to her.
- I'm Cornelius Hackl.

- It seems to me...
- Yes, the only way to make up for it...

Irene, send for the law at once.

You can have them put away
for years on a charge like this.

Help, police! Only,
have dinner with them first.

That's to show that
you tried to settle amicably.

That's how to do it.
Dinner first, life imprisonment later.

It'll be a lovely evening. Who knows what'll
happen before you send them off to jail?

- Mr Hackl?
- Oh, by all means.

- It's what we had in mind all along.
- Minnie, we've been respectable for years.

Now we're in disgrace,
we might as well make the most of it.

- It is the only sensible thing to do.
- Cornelius...

Now, I know a doughnut shop in the station.

Doughnut shop? Certainly not.

We want a fine dinner in a fashionable place.

And I know just the place.
The Harmonia Gardens on 14th Street.

- Your favourite restaurant.
- Wait a minute...

The finest food that money can buy and a
lovely orchestra. A polka contest tonight.

- Ooh, dancing.
- Rudolph will give you the best table.

- We could never go there.
- It sounds marvellous.

Come, Minnie. We'll close the shop
and take the whole afternoon off.

Oh, I mean, we could never...

Don't misunderstand me,
it isn't the money or anything...

It's the... the...

What, Mr Hackl?

It's the dancing. You see, I don't know how.

And they have contests
at the Harmonia... whatever it is.

You said so yourself, and I don't know how.
It would take weeks, months, years to learn.

"Mrs Dolly Levi. 28 3/4-year-old
chief clerks taught how to d..."

Now, you just put one arm
here and one arm there.

It's no use. I have no sense of rhythm.

Absolutely no sense of rhythm

is the primary requirement
for learning by the Levi method.

Just give me five minutes.
I'll have you dancing in the streets.

I think we'll start with lesson seven:
The waltz kick turn.

Right foot, touch, left foot, touch,
under, back, around, touch.

Back, through, around, behind.
Out, over... release... unfurl!

Oh, oh, that's just
absolutely wonderful, Mr Hackl.

When I think of the lucky women
who'll find heaven in your arms!

I think we'll go back to lesson one, shall we?

Put your hand on her waist

and stand,

with her right in your left hand.

And...

One. That's right.

And one, two, three.

Ah!

One, two, three.

Oh, no. This one. And one, two, three.

One, two, three.

Look! I'm dancing!

- I was.
- Of course you were, Mr Hackl.

Take the someone whose arms you're in

Hold on to her tight

And spin

And one, two, three

One, two, three

Look! I'm dancing!

Ah! Come here.

Turn around and turn around,
try floating through the air

Can't you be a little more aesthetic?

Don't you think my dancing
has a polish and a flair?

The word I think I'd use is athletic.

Well, my heart is about to burst

My head is about to pop

And now that I'm dancing
who cares if I ever stop?

That's wonderful.

Look, everybody!
I, Cornelius Hackl, sport, I'm dancing!

You're next, Mr Tucker.

Glide and step

And then step and glide

And everyone stand aside!

Not... not yet, Mr Tucker. One, two, three.
One, two, three. One, two, three, one...

- Look! He's dancing!
- I think he's holdin' out on us.

You could learn to polka
if you worked a week or so

Or the tango filled with passion seething

I might join the chorus
of the Castle Garden show

Whatever you do, Mr Tucker,
keep breathing.

For my heart is about to burst

My head is about to pop

And now that we're dancing
who cares if we ever stop?

Oh.

When there's someone you hardly know

And wish you were closer to

Remember that he can be
near to you while you're dancing

Though you've only just said hello

She's suddenly someone who
can make all your daydreams appear to you

While you're dancing

Make the music weave a spell

Whirl away your worry

Things look almost twice as well

When they're slightly blurry

As around and around you go

Your spirits will hit the top

And now that we're dancing
who cares if we ever stop?

One, two, three. One, two, three.
One, two, three. One, two, three

And now that we're dancing
who cares if we ever stop?

Dolly!

Dolly, Cornelius is taking us to see
the parade. Everyone will be marching.

- Come on, Mrs Levi.
- Dolly, the world is full of wonderful things.

Hurry, before the parade passes by!

Yes, I will. I will.

Before the parade passes by.

Before it all moves on

And only I'm left

Before the parade passes by

I've got to get in step

While there's still time left

I'm ready to move out in front

Life without life has no reason or rhyme left

With the rest of them

With the best of them

I wanna hold my head up high

I need a goal again

I need a drive again

I wanna feel my heart coming alive again

Before the parade

Passes by

Ephraim, let me go.

It's been long enough, Ephraim.

Every night, just like you'd want me to, I've
put out the cat, made myself a rum toddy,

and, before I went to bed, said a little prayer
thanking God that I was independent.

That no one else's life
was mixed up with mine.

But lately, Ephraim,

I've begun to realise that

for a long time I have not shed one tear.

Nor have I been for one moment

outrageously happy.

Now, Horace Vandergelder, he's always
saying the world is full of fools.

And in a way, he's right, isn't he?
I mean, himself, Cornelius, Irene, myself...

But there comes a time when you've got to
decide if you want to be a fool among fools,

or a fool alone.

Well, I have made that decision, Ephraim,

but I would feel so much better about it
if... if you could just give me a sign,

any kind of a sign that you approve.

I'm going back, Ephraim.

I've decided to join the human race again.

And, Ephraim, I want you to give me away.

Before the parade passes by

I've got to go and taste Saturday's high life

Before the parade passes by

I've got to get some life back into my life

I'm ready to move out in front

I've had enough of just passing by life

With the rest of them

With the best of them

I can hold my head up high

For I've got a goal again

I've got a drive again

I'm gonna feel my heart coming alive again

Before the parade

Passes by

(cheering)

Waah! Waah!

Present arms!

Dolly Levi!

Hi!

Gussie Granger?

What are you doing here?

Earning an honest dollar,
which is more than I've made

on a legitimate stage in two years.

Pity on you. But the meat packers' float?

Ha! Listen, if there was more money
in it, I'd play one of the pigs.

I came here for some privacy.

I owe you an apology and I didn't
want to let it go another minute.

You owe me the fee I gave you

for getting me tangled up
with that collector of men's hats.

Yes, Irene, she was
a disappointment, darling girl.

I'll have you know the confectioner
gave me back every cent for the peanuts.

I'm sorry. I never give cash refunds.

However, being a woman who believes
in giving service that's been paid for,

- I've arranged to make it up to you.
- Let me make one thing clear.

You have been discharged as my
marriage broker. I have no use for one.

From now on, you are just
a woman like anyone else.

- I am?
- And I'm just a man like anyone else,

and, like anyone else, I'll do what I can
to avoid the introductions you specialise in.

Well, I can understand your feelings,
and I am here today, marching beside you,

to assure you that there will be no further
need for my services after dinner tonight.

- Dinner?
- 7.30 at the Harmonia Gardens.

It's all arranged.
Private room. She'll be waiting.

- Who? Who-who-who'll be waiting?
- Who-who-who'll be waiting?

The very rich,
very beautiful lady I referred to

when I saw you in Yonkers this morning.

The heiress to a fortune, remember?

(whistle blows)

I'm not interested. What's her name?

Uh... Ernestina.

I'm not interested. What's her last name?

Simple... uh, Simple. Ernestina Simple.

- Can she cook?
- Can she cook?

Frankly, I never understood why a girl
who could afford every servant around

makes all her own meals,
on a solid gold stove.

- She's a fool. I'm not interested in fools.
- Neither am I. Good day.

- Good day.
- Don't forget. 7.30, Harmonia Gardens.

And rent some evening clothes. She's fussy.

Dolly Levi, you are
a damned exasperating woman!

Why, Horace Vandergelder, that is
the nicest thing you have ever said to me.

When the parade passes by

Listen and hear
that brass harmony growing

When the parade passes by

Pardon me if my old spirit is showing

All of those lights over there

Seem to be telling me where I'm going

When the whistles blow

And the cymbals crash

And the sparklers light the sky

I'm gonna raise the roof

I'm gonna carry on

Give me an old trombone

Give me an old baton

Before the parade

Passes by

("Before the Parade Passes By"
instrumental)

("Put On Your Sunday Clothes"
instrumental)

Cornelius, are you sure
they're just changing their clothes?

- Don't worry, they'll be here.
- I get dressed in less than three minutes.

- Women wear more.
- They do?

Underneath.

Cornelius, maybe we should
leave while there's time.

- Never.
- We've seen everything.

The parade, the Statue of Liberty,
the stuffed whale at Barnum's museum.

- I could die a happy man now.
- It'll be worth it, no matter what happens.

The worst anybody can do is put us in jail.

But as long as we live we'll never forget

the night we took Irene Molloy and
Minnie Fay to dinner at Harmonia Gardens,

- on less than a dollar.
- Cornelius, wake up.

And there's another reason
we can't go back.

One more thing we promised to do

before we go and turn into
a couple of Vandergelders.

Cornelius! You're not thinking
of kissing Miss Molloy?

- Maybe.
- She'll scream.

Barnaby, you don't know
anything about women.

- Only that we can't afford 'em.
- You should know that everyone except us

goes through life
kissing right and left all the time.

They do?

Yes.

I often wondered about that.

(both gasp)

- Smile, Barnaby.
- I'm smiling.

- Look rich and gay and charming.
- I'm looking gay and charming.

Hello.

- Here we are.
- Hello.

Cornelius.

Haa... I'm pleased to meet you, Miss Molloy.

No last names. After all we've been through
together this afternoon,

it's Irene and Minnie.

Irene.

- Ohh...
- Ohhh...

- Does that count, Cornelius?
- I don't think so.

Count?

You see, we were counting here,
while we were waiting.

I hear all rich people do nothing
but count their money.

I'm so hungry. Why don't we go in here
and have some hors d'oeuvres first?

- No, no, no.
- It's very fashionable.

- It would spoil our appetites.
- Or we could have an apéritif.

It's out of the question. Barnaby and I
don't agree with that sort of thing.

- But all those people do.
- Well, they simply don't know that a...

...a... péritif is no longer considered elegant.

- Oh, it isn't?
- Hasn't been for years.

In that case, it's on to Harmonia
Gardens for dinner. Call a hack.

- Hack?
- All my life I've wanted to ride in a hack.

- Oh, there's one. Yoo-hoo!
- No, no. We can't do that.

I mean, it isn't the money or anything

it's just that, nowadays, really
elegant people never take hacks.

- Hacks is out.
- They all go by streetcar.

Then, by all means, we go by streetcar.

I've been elegant all my life
and I never knew it.

Of course, if you really want
to be really elegant...

- Oh, we do.
- We do.

You'll walk.

Yes, New York

It's really us: Barnaby and Cornelius

All the guests of Mr Hackl
are feeling great and look spectacular

What a knack

There is to that acting like a born aristocrat

We got elegance

If you ain't got elegance

You can never, ever carry it off

All who are well-bred agree

Minnie Fay has pedigree

Exercise your wildest whims tonight

We are out with Diamond Jims tonight

Could they be misleading us?

Silver spoons were used for feeding us

We got elegance

If you ain't got elegance

You can never, ever carry it off

(dog barks)

Snobs that slobs

Throw roses at. We look down

Our noses at

Pity all the other girls around

When I swing my perfect pearls around

Snubbing folks is chic to us

Sometimes we don't even speak to us

If you ain't got elegance

You can never, ever carry it off

If you please.

Middle class don't speak of it

Savoir-faire, we reek of it

Some were born with rags and patches

But we use dollar bills for matches and

Vanderbilt kowtows to us

JP Morgan scrapes and bows to us

We got elegance

We were born with elegance

I behave like Walter Raleigh

When the streets are full of mud

And the bluest huckleberry

Isn't bluer than my blood

Have you noticed when I hold my cup

The saucer never moves

And the way I keep my pinkie up

Indubitably proves that

We got elegance

We got built-in elegance

And with elegance

Elegance, elegance, elegance

Elegance

We'll carry it off

Horace, Horace Vandergelder

Mrs Horace Vandergelder

Just leave everything to me

Though it won't be like the first time

How can it be like the first time?

But why does it have to be?

Don't look for shooting stars

For love is only love

You touch, and still you touch the ground

Don't listen for those bells

For love is only love

And if it's love you've found

Your heart won't hear a sound

And when you hold his hand

You only hold his hand

The violins are all a bluff

But if you're really wise

The silence of his eyes

Will tell you love is only love

And it's wonderful enough

Without the shooting stars

Without the sound of bells

Without the violins

Love is wonderful

Enough

Good evening. Good evening.

Straighten up. Walk erect.

Pleasure. Good evening.

How nice to see you.

Psst! No expression. Let the food smile.

And how are you this evening?

Charming, charming.

You! You there!

Come up here at once.

Yes, you.

How dare you keep me
standing here this long?

As soon as Mr Vandergelder arrives,
you will be seated, Miss Simple.

Now look here, garçon.

My name is Rudolph. Rudolph Reisenweber.

And why, may I ask,
can I not wait at the table?

Please. Please.

Harmonia Gardens does not
consider it proper, a lady alone.

- Perhaps if you'll let me take your wrap.
- Ohh! Don't touch me.

Where?

- If you will excuse me.
- Certainly not.

Yes? What can I do for you?

How are ya, Adolf? How's my old friend?

- I am Rudolph.
- Oh, of course.

Rudolph.

We'd like a little something
to eat. You know?

In what name is the reservation, please?

- Reservation?
- I'm afraid there is nothing available.

- Come on, let's go.
- Do you know who he is?

This is Cornelius Hackl. The Cornelius Hackl.

- Tell him about the Rockefellers.
- The Rockefellers? I see.

Look, I know a little place up the block.

I think I have something. Yes, I think
I have something. Follow me, if you will.

Dining room number two.

- It is the last one. Very private.
- It is?

- Very exclusive.
- It is?

- Very fashionable.
- Don't say another word.

And very expensive.

That was the word.

- How beautiful!
- How elegant!

How much?

Cornelius, I thought you said
everyone knew you.

Oh, don't worry. They will after tonight.

- (whispers)
- She is? She is? I don't believe it!

Eight o'clock, table for two, and a chicken.

Mrs Dolly Levi coming here
after such a long absence!

It is too happy to be true.

That's the message she told me to give you.

Who? Who are these people?

They look truthful.

If you're gonna spend all evening acting
like a scared rabbit, maybe I'll order lettuce.

Oh, how can you be so brave? It's unfair.

Just try to keep remembering
Mrs Levi's advice.

I only wanted to marry you,
not perform in public.

- There's nobody here who knows us.
- Oh, Ambrose, are you sure?

Sweetheart, have I ever been wrong?

Sir?

- Vandergelder's the name.
- Yes, Mr Vandergelder.

There's a Miss Ernestina Simple
supposed to be waiting.

Right there, Mr Vandergelder.

No, you didn't understand what I said...

But perfectly. Mr Vandergelder
is here, Miss Simple.

Yes, so I see.

- Oh, good evening, Miss Simple.
- I hope so, Mr Vandergelder.

- All right, my good man.
- Fritz, private dining room number one.

- Follow me, if you will.
- You may take my arm.

And, unless you are suffering from
a head cold, kindly remove your hat.

Achtung!

I have an important announcement to make.

After an absence of several years, there will
return to the Harmonia Gardens tonight

the lady who always had
the happiest smile, the warmest heart,

and the largest appetite
in the city of New York.

- It's Dolly.
- Dolly?

- Dolly!
- (all) Dolly! Dolly! Dolly! Dolly! Dolly!

Attention!

It is therefore my order, as head waiter
of the Harmonia Gardens,

and your supreme commander,

that tonight of all nights our usual lightning
service will be twice as lightning as ever.

Or else!

Waiter, write this down. Mock turtle soup,
roast pheasant under glass.

- Pheasant?
- I'll have the same, and some champagne.

- Champagne?
- What would you like, sir?

Six months off for good behaviour?

What do you mean,
"oysters aren't in season"?

Anybody can have oysters in season.
I want them out of season.

They don't have any, Miss Simple.

Then tell 'em to go out and dig for some.

Oh!

- Hello again.
- Here we are.

- We thought something happened.
- Don't worry. It will.

(applause)

Barnaby, Irene, Minnie,

I feel so good about everything,

so good about this whole day,

that I am now going to become
an honest man and tell the truth.

Cornelius?

I'd forgotten what strange things
happen to men when they drink.

If I tell you the truth, will you let me
put my arm around your waist?

Good heavens! You can do that
even if you lie to me.

I've never touched a woman before.

You still haven't. That's my corset.

- You're a wonderful person, Irene.
- Thank you, Cornelius.

And that's why I have to tell you the truth.

If it'll make you feel better.

It's all those fancy things
that Mrs Levi said about me.

Oh, yes.

Well, they're just not so.

Indeed?

Irene, I'm not rich.

Not rich?

I'm not any of the things
Mrs Levi said I was.

And neither is Barnaby. We're not
sports, we don't know anybody.

We never come to New York.
We never do anything

except work for Mr Vandergelder all day
and clean up the store at night.

And we wanted so much
to have one day of adventure,

that we ran away from Yonkers
and told a lot of lies.

Ah, well, look at us.

A pair of penniless pretenders.

But, Cornelius, I've known that all along.

You have?

Why else would you have hidden
in my cupboard and under my table?

And made us walk all over New York?

You're the nicest ladies
a man ever went to jail for.

Jail?

We don't have the money
to pay for this dinner.

Of course you don't. Minnie, show these
two sports what I've got in my purse.

What a pleasure to know that
selling all those silly hats

can pay for an evening
as delightful as this one.

I can't help myself.

Wow!

I...

No, no, Minnie, my white
handbag, not that one.

- My white handbag.
- When we changed for the evening.

Minnie...

Only my mad money...
a nickel for the horsecar.

Would you like your check now, sir?

(nervous laugh)

Take this away, my good man.
Bring us another bottle of champagne.

- What's this? What are you doing?
- It's eight o'clock. I really must be going.

Going? You haven't finished
your dinner yet, Miss Simple.

That's expensive.
If I had food like that every night,

I'd be out of business inside a year.

I suggest you have the waiter put it in a bag
and take it home to your horses and pigs.

I don't have pigs, Miss Simple,
I have chickens,

and I did not get them
by being extravagant.

I see no point in this trivial
discussion, Mr Vandergelder,

nor in my remaining here any longer,

inasmuch as it is quite clear to me that
you are, if you forgive the expression,

- entirely unsuitable.
- Unsuitable?

Nevertheless, I will never say a word to
Mrs Levi about this unfortunate evening.

And I suggest you do likewise
when she arrives here.

Wait a minute.
Did you say "arrives here"?

Yes, she planned to join us at eight.

You may say I left
because I felt sick to my stomach.

It's quite true, you know.

Good night.

Any man who goes to a big city
deserves what happens to him.

- He's all yours, honey.
- Good. Mr Cassidy?

- Yes, Mrs Levi?
- It's all right now. You can let me out.

Whoa.

- Mr Reisenweber, come here! Hurry!
- How often have I told you not to shout?

- It's her. She's outside.
- You mean?

- What's going on?
- Are you sure?

I know that voice. I heard her.
In a beautiful carriage with two horses.

- That's her. She's come.
- Who? Who's come?

A lady. You wouldn't know her. Mrs Levi.

- Is it true?
- Yes, it's Dolly. Tell the men to get ready.

- You saw her?
- In a long carriage pulled by four horses.

It's like old times.

Reisenweber. Rudolph!

Rudy!

She is here.

(orchestra strikes up)

Hello, Rudy

Well, hello, Harry

It's so nice to be back home where I belong

You are lookin' swell, Manny

I can tell, Danny

You're still glowin', you're still crowin'

You're still

Mmm.

Goin' strong

I feel the room swayin'

For the band's playin'

One of my old favourite songs
from way back when

So

Bridge that gap, fellas

Find me an empty lap, fellas

Dolly'll never go away again

Hello, Dolly

Well, hello, Dolly

It's so nice to have you back
where you belong

You're lookin' swell, Dolly

We can tell, Dolly

You're still glowin', you're still crowin'

You're still goin' strong

We feel the room swayin'

For the band's playin'

One of your old favourite songs
from way back when

So

Here's my hat, fellas

I'm stayin' where I'm at, fellas

Promise you'll never go away again

I went away from the lights of 14th Street

And into my personal haze

But now that I'm back
in the lights of 14th Street

Tomorrow will be brighter
than the good old days

Those good old days

Tell it to me sweet

Hello! Well, hello, Dolly

Well, hello! Hey, look! Here's Dolly

Glad to see you, Hank,
let's thank my lucky star

Your lucky star

You're lookin' great, Stanley

Lose some weight?
I think, I think you did, Stanley

Dolly's overjoyed and overwhelmed and...

Over par

I hear the ice

Do you hear the ice tinkle?

See the lights

Can you see the light twinkle?

And you still get glances
from us handsome men

Look at you all, you're all so handsome

Golly, gee, fellas

Find me an empty knee, fellas

Dolly'll never go away again

Well, hello

Look who's here.

Dolly

This is Louis

Hello, Louis.

Dolly

It's so nice to have you back
where you belong

I am so glad to be back.

Ah, you're lookin' swell

Thank you, Louis.

Dolly

I can tell

Does it show?

Dolly

You still glowin', you still crowin'

You still goin' strong

I feel the room swayin'

And the band playin'

One of our old favourite songs
from way back when

I remember it

- So
- It was my favourite

Show some snap, fellas

Find her an empty lap, yeah

Dolly'll never go away again

Well, well, hello, Dolly

Well, hello, Dolly

It's so nice to have you back
where you belong

You're lookin' swell, Dolly

We can tell, Dolly

You're still glowin', you're still crowin'

You're still goin' strong

I hear the ice

I hear it tinkle

See the lights

I see them twinkle

And you still get glances
from us handsome men

So

Mmm, wow, wow, wow, fellas

Look at the old girl now, fellas

Dolly'll never go away

Dolly'll never go away again

One more time!

Dolly'll never go away

Dolly'll never...

Horace Vandergelder.

- Do we know each other?
- Much too well.

Oh, it's you, Mrs Levi.

Yes.

Well, do you, uh?

Do you think you have
the figure for that sort of get-up?

That's for others to say, Mr Vandergelder.

I bought it from a friend,
not being a rich lady

who has nothing better to do than
dilly-dally with seamstresses.

- Which reminds me. Where is Miss Simple?
- Miss Simple? Well, she had to... uh... uh...

She got called away by
a sick friend. Had to leave.

Oh. Well, that's Ernestina.
Always thinking of other people.

We'll just have to make do without her
for the time being. Rudolph?

My dear Mrs Levi, I have saved
the very best table for you.

- How I've missed you.
- This way, please.

- Come along.
- I've eaten.

Don't stand here, you'll get run over
by a waiter. Oh, hello. Good evening.

Oh, hello. How are you?
Hi, nice to see you.

- You know too many people.
- Total strangers.

- So why greet them?
- It feels good to have so many friends.

- Well, say hello for me too.
- I already did.

- Lovely, Rudolph. Perfect.
- What are we doing down here?

There's someone in the dance
competition I want you to see.

- I have no interest in dancing.
- Rudy, this is Mr Vandergelder of Yonkers.

In fact, Yonkers' most influential citizen.

And Mr Vandergelder insists on buying the
finest dinner you have and served promptly.

- I never said that.
- I'm watching my waist. Can't eat a thing.

- What's ready immediately?
- You ordered a chicken...

I couldn't face a chicken.
Not after all I've been through today.

- Good, cancel the chicken.
- And bring a turkey.

- Yes.
- With everything on the side.

Now, tell me about you and Ernestina.

I can't wait to hear.
It was short, but was it sweet?

I mean, do you think you and she?
I mean, did it go well?

Mrs Levi, you've a habit of asking
very personal questions.

Mr Vandergelder, if you're thinking
of marriage, you might as well learn

that you have to let women be women.

Now, tell me, did you like her?
Did she like you?

Always putting your nose
into other people's affairs.

Anybody who lived with you
would get as nervous as a cat.

- What did you say?
- Anybody who lived with you...

Horace Vandergelder, you get that idea
right out of your head this minute.

Why, the idea of you
even mentioning such a thing.

Understand once and for all that
I have no intention of marrying you.

- I didn't mean that.
- You've been hinting around for some time.

- I have not.
- So put that right out of your head.

- Stop saying that. That's not what I meant.
- I should hope not.

You go your way and I'll go mine.

I am not some Irene Molloy whose head you
can turn with chocolate peanuts. Unshelled.

- The idea of you suggesting it.
- You misunderstood me.

I certainly hope so. Let's not
discuss it any more. Here's our food.

- I don't feel well.
- I'll serve Mr Vandergelder.

Here is a lovely, a lovely wing, for you.

And some dumplings.
Oh, lighter than air, they are.

- That's what I need, some air.
- And some giblets.

Very, very tender and very good for you.

No, as I said before,
you go your way and I'll go mine.

Here, have some wine, you'll feel better.

Since you brought it up,
there's one thing I oughta say...

- I didn't bring it up.
- Before we forget about it.

It's true, I like to manage things, but not
anything as disorderly as your household.

As out of control, as untidy. Oh, no,
Horace, you can do that for yourself.

- It is not out of control.
- Let's not say another word.

- Oh, have some beets.
- I'm not hungry and I don't like beets.

No, a complaining, quarrelsome, friendless
soul like you is no sort of companion for me.

You salt your beets and I'll salt mine.
I won't say another word.

Besides, I'm not those things you said I am.

You're the only person that knows it.

No, Horace, I have decided to enjoy life.

You can find a housekeeper
who'll cook for a dollar a day.

It can be done, if you like cold
baked beans. I can see you now,

ending your days listening at keyholes
for fear of being cheated.

- Have some more beets. They're delicious.
- I hate beets.

There, that's the difference between us.

I'd be nagging you,
to get some spirit into you,

and the pity of it is you could be
a charming, amiable man if you wanted to.

- I don't want to be charming.
- But you are. You can't help yourself.

Listening at keyholes! You have
no right to say such things.

At your age you ought to enjoy the truth.

My age, you're always talking about my age.

I don't know what your age is, but with
bad temper you'll double it in six months.

Now siddown. Before we change
the subject, there's one thing I'll say.

I don't wanna hear it. You're wasting your
time. I have no intention of proposing.

Oh! I suppose you want me to ask you?
Well, I'm sorry. I'm turning you down.

How can you turn me down
when I haven't asked ya anything?

It's no use arguing. I've made up your mind.
Here, let me cut your wings.

- I don't want my wings cut.
- No man does, Horace. No man does.

- I've got a headache. I'm leaving.
- (fanfare)

Oh, no, the dance competition
is about to begin.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I may
have your attention please.

It is my pleasure to announce on behalf of
the management of the Harmonia Gardens,

that our dance contest
is about to commence.

The judges for tonight's competition
are Mr Hermann Fleishacker,

Mr Llewellyn Codd,

and our special guest-of-honour
judge, Mrs Dolly Levi.

Siddown!

Ladies and gentlemen
who wish to participate,

will you please come to the dance floor.
To the lucky winning couple

goes the grand prize of 50 silver dollars
or an engagement at the Harmonia Gardens.

50.

Everybody, dance!

- Your check, sir.
- Another bottle of champagne.

Mm! Look at him. What grace, what talent,
what a living he could earn with his feet!

- Horace, look.
- Where?

- Wait a minute.
- Oh, isn't he wonderful?

That's Ambrose Kemper, so-called artist.

- Why, so it is.
- No wonder his pictures are so awful.

- He must paint with his feet.
- He's sure to win first prize.

Ermengarde should see him now,
dancing with another girl.

- And such a pretty little thing too.
- It's shameful, that's what it is. Shameful.

Look, there's that Molloy
woman dancing with a man.

I think it's a man.

And only a few hours ago
she was waiting for me to propose.

- Shocking.
- No faithfulness left in this world.

I agree. I certainly do. And it's
very selfish that people like us

don't jump right up and marry someone
just to set the world a good example.

My hat!

Ermengarde!

- Uncle...
- My niece!

Agh!

You are a disgrace to Yonkers!

Grrrr!

- Mr Vandergelder, the contest!
- I'll show you a contest!

Call the police!

Uncle Horace, we can explain.

Exp? I'll give you...

Cornelius Hackl!

- What are you doing in New York?
- Delivering some oats.

Oats? With my former intended?

- You're discharged!
- You can't fire me. I quit.

So do I.

- And you're discharged!
- You can't fire me. I quit.

(Minnie) So do I.

I'm sorry.

Grrr!

Oh!

Horace Vandergelder, flat on
your back you are still charming.

Cornelius, Barnaby,

perhaps there's a way I can get
Mr Vandergelder to give you back your jobs.

What? How?

I could become his wife.

- No, that's impossible.
- It is?

- Yes.
- But why, Cornelius?

- Because. That's why.
- But you have to give me a reason.

Never mind the reason. Never mind
the reason! And don't tell me to shush!

- What's going on there?
- Cornelius, quick!

Hey, you! What's all this noise?
What's happening here?

- Now, you stay out of this.
- Are you all right, Miss?

- I'll let you know.
- Young man...

I'm only trying to tell her something.

Well, it's too late and
you're disturbing the peace.

No, it's not too late.
That's why I'm shouting.

For 28 years, my whole life,
I never did anything.

I just worked, took orders, never
went anywhere. Stayed in Yonkers.

- Yonkers?
- And today

the most important thing that can happen
to a man, and might never have happened,

happened to me because I left Yonkers
and came to New York and met this lady.

Met her this afternoon.

Mister... just what are you talking about?

Officer, I'm talking about
none other than love.

- (both) Love?
- Love?

Young man, are you trying to tell me
that after 28 years in Yonkers

you've fallen in love with
this young lady in one day?

Oh, no, Officer, I didn't fall in love with
Miss Irene Molloy of this city in just a day.

It was much quicker than that. An hour.

No, even that's too long.
What's less than a minute?

- A second?
- Less than that.

- A moment.
- That's it.

That is it. Now, all of you, listen to me.

Please.

It only takes a moment

For your eyes to meet, and then

Your heart knows

In a moment

You will never be alone again

I held her

For an instant

But my arms felt sure and strong

It only takes a moment

To be loved

A whole life long

Isn't the world full of wonderful things?

I have lost so many things.

My job, my future,
everything that people think is important,

but I don't care. Cos, even if I have to
dig ditches for the rest of my life,

I shall be a ditch-digger
who once had a wonderful day.

Mister, do you mind?
I came in late. Right after...

It only...

Takes a moment

But his arms felt sure and strong

It only takes a moment

He held me, for an instant

But his arms felt safe and strong

It only takes a moment

To be loved a whole life long

And that is all

That love's about

And we'll recall

When time runs out

That it only

Took a moment

To be loved a whole life long

Tell Rudolph not to worry
about the damage.

Just send the bill to Vandergelder's
Hay and Feed Store, Yonkers, New York.

- There's your life for you.
- I don't want to hear about it.

Without niece, without bride,
without clerks.

Look, I'm tired. I've got a backache.

- That's all you have. I hope you're satisfied.
- Never mind.

There's only one thing for me to say.
I've been meaning to say it all night.

If it's to ask me to marry you, Dolly Levi,
never - not in a million years.

It wasn't that at all, Horace.
All I wanted to say was...

Goodbye

What?

Goodbye

What are you talking about?

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

Goodbye, goodbye

- Nonsense.
- Don't try to stop me, Horace, please.

Wave your little hand
and whisper "So long, dearie"

You ain't gonna see me any more

And when you discover
that your life is dreary

Don't you come a-knockin' at my door

Cos I'll be all dolled up
and singin' that song

That says "You dog, I told you so"

So wave your little hand
and whisper "So long, dearie"

Dearie should have said "So long"
so long ago

Because you treated me
so rotten and rough

I have had enough of feeling low

So wave your little hand
and whisper "So long, dearie"

Dearie should have said "So long"
so long ago

For I can hear that choo-choo
calling me on to a fancy new address

Yes, I can hear that choo-choo calling me
on, on board that Happiness Express

I'm gonna learn to dance
and drink and smoke a cigarette

I'm going as far away
from Yonkers as a girl can get

So

And on those cold winter nights, Horace,

you can snuggle up to your cash register.

It's a little lumpy, but it rings.

Don't come a-knockin', I'll be
all dolled up and singin' that song

That says "You dog, I told you so"

So, Horace, you will find
your life a sad old story

You'll be living in that lonesome territory

When you see old Dolly shuffle off to glory

Oh, I should have said "So long"

How could I have been wrong?

Oh, I should have said "So long"

So long ago

(playful shouting)

Quiet! Quiet, down there,
you little monsters.

Cornelius! Barnaby!

D'ya hear me down there?

Ermengarde!

What the devil is this?

What's this chicken mash doing all over?

Cornelius! Barnaby!

Get up here this minute
and clean up this mess.

Well, good riddance. Didn't need you
before and I don't need you now.

Ermengarde! I'm ready for my breakfast!

I want three eggs with crisp bacon,
and hot porridge with cream, and grits...

It's not fair.

It's worse than that. It's lonely.

Not in a million years, Dolly Levi.

You go your way and I'll go mine.

- Good morning, Uncle Horace.
- Good morning, Mr Vandergelder.

Oh, come crawling back, have you?

I've a good mind not to take you,
but as I'm so softhearted

go get your aprons
and start cleaning up this mess.

We're not coming back to work for you.

What?

Barnaby and I
are stopping by for our money.

You see, we've decided to go into business.

Business?

And since the only business we know is
hay and feed, we're opening our own store.

Mrs Levi's found the perfect location for us.

- Right across the street from you.
- She wouldn't dare.

Hackl and Tucker Incorporated.

Huh! You'll last for a week.

- What about my breakfast?
- Uncle Horace,

I think you'd better start
learning how to make it yourself.

All right, all right. My conscience is clear.

A man can do only so much to keep
fools from their own natural folly.

Why, Horace Vandergelder, as I live
and breathe, how well you look today.

I just came by to return your cane,
so don't let me interrupt.

You were doing something?
What were you doing?

We were getting their money.

$146.35.

- Plus $6. 12 of mine.
- And the money my mama left me.

That's right. $52.48.

- 38, idiot.
- 48... Uncle.

(all discussing what's owed)

All right, all right. If all you can think about

at a time like this is money,
the safe is upstairs.

And I have the combination.

- You stay here.
- If you insist, Horace.

Ephraim Levi, I'm gonna get married again.

I'm gonna marry Horace Vandergelder.

And I'm asking your permission.

It won't be a marriage
in the sense that we had one,

but I shall certainly make him happy.

You can be sure of that.

I am going to marry Horace Vandergelder
and send his money out into the world,

doing all the things you taught me.

As you always used to say, Ephraim:

"Money, pardon the expression,
is like manure."

"It's not worth a thing unless it's spread
around, encouraging young things to grow."

Anyhow, that's the opinion
of the future Mrs Vandergelder.

And, Ephraim, I'm still waiting
for that sign that you approve.

(steps)

- Mr Vandergelder.
- Outside. Front and back.

Bossy, scheming, meddling,

irritating, inquisitive, exasperating.

Horace, I know you're no longer interested,

but I have found you the ideal wife.

Dolly Levi, I don't want you
to find me any ideal wife.

If I want an ideal wife,
I'll find one of my own,

and I have found her and it's you, damn it!

I know I've been a fool and I probably always
will be, but Dolly, forgive me and marry me.

No, Horace, I...

- I don't dare. I don't dare.
- What do you mean?

Well, you know as well as I do
that you're the first citizen of Yonkers

and your wife would
have to be a... a somebody.

You are! You are a wonderful woman.

Yes, but, uh, do you really
think I have it in me...

to forgo fancy clothes
and expensive jewels,

and instead be a benefactress
to half the town?

In other words, to be a credit to you?

Dolly, everybody knows that you
could do anything you wanted to do.

By the way, Horace, here's the money
I borrowed from you yesterday.

Keep it, keep it.

Oh, Horace.

I never thought I'd ever
hear you say anything like that.

You know it's bad business
to let 'em open a store over there?

- It was your idea.
- Let him be your partner.

And Barnaby can have Cornelius's old job.

That way we can all dance
at Ermengarde's wedding.

That does it. You've gone too far. I'll dance
at no wedding. Besides, I don't know how.

- All right, I'll dance.
- Excuse me, Mr Vandergelder.

- I said outside! Now get moving.
- Horace, what is going on around here?

Oh, nothing, I just thought I'd have
the shutters done over in forest green.

- Forest-green shutters?
- The paint's still good,

but that fellow's just set up
a business and needs a good start.

You see, Dolly, I've always felt that money,
pardon the expression, is like manure.

It's not worth a thing unless it's spread
around, encouraging young things to grow.

Thank you, Ephraim.

Hello, Dolly

Well, hello, Dolly

It's so nice to have you here
where you belong

I never knew, Dolly

Without you, Dolly

Life was awfully flat and,
more than that, was awfully wrong

Here's my hat, Horace

I'm stayin' where I'm at, Horace

Dolly'll never go away

Wonderful woman.

Again

Put on your Sunday clothes
when you feel down and out

Strut down the street
and have your picture took

Dressed like a dream
your spirits seem to turn about

That Sunday shine is a certain sign

That you feel as fine as you look

Take the someone whose arms you're in

Hold on to her tight and spin

And one, two, three. One, two, three.
One, two, three, look!

I held her

For an instant

But my arms felt sure and strong

It only takes a moment

To be loved a whole life long

Yes, it takes a woman

A dainty woman

A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife

Oh, yes, it takes a woman

A fragile woman

To bring you the sweet things in life

Well, well, hello, Dolly

Well, hello, Dolly

It's so nice to have you back
where you belong

You're lookin' swell, Dolly

We can tell, Dolly

You're still glowin', you're still crowin'

You're still goin' strong

Just see the crowd swayin'

While the band's playin'

One of your old favourite songs
from way back when

So

Wow, wow, wow, fellas

Look at the old girl now, fellas

Dolly'll never go away

Again