All language subtitles for Ch5 Cruising with Jane McDonald Ships and Giggles 1080p.eng

My love affair with ships started
nearly 30 years ago

and I've barely stepped foot
on dry land since.

We're on our holidays! Yes!

I am now a full-blown cruising
enthusiast.

I love it. I love it. I love it.
I love it!

I can't believe how lucky I am.

We are in paradise.

I have got the best job
in the world!

Travelling the globe, sharing
me adventures with you.

Oh, my God! This is amazing!

Cruising is always fun.
And sometimes just plain funny.

Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha!

So all aboard the good ship McDonald

for a special laughter-driven
cruise.

Looks empty on deck.

Knowing my luck,
they'll all be queueing at the bar.

In tonight's trip down memory lane,

we'll be blowing the cobwebs
off the funny bits...

..chuckling at the cheeky bits...

That goes straight through... Oh!
THEY LAUGH

..and sniggering at the surprising
bits.

SHE SCREAMS

Have we got some comedy cruising
gold for you?

There's one thing I must have
said 1,000 times on this show,

and, no, it's not,
"Where is the bar?"

A stranger is just a friend
you haven't met yet.

Hello, there.

No matter where you are
in the world, when you are cruising,

you are making friends. Hello.
Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Jane.

Hello. Hi! Hi, Jane. Hi! Hello. Hi!

THEY SQUEAL

There are potential shipmates
everywhere.

And don't worry about language
skills, just shout a bit louder.

What's your name? Patrick.
You, Patrick, me, Jane.

HE IMITATES TARZAN

Patrick wasn't actually
the king of the jungle. Who knew?

Now, cruising is a great way
to meet people of all ages.

I got down with the kids down under.
Oh, Kelly, hello. How old are you?

I'm 23. 23? Oh, so young.

She is not the youngest, though.

No? Who's the youngest? Matt.

How old are you, Matt? 20.
SHE GASPS

Oh, God, to be 20 again on a ship.

Happy days are here again, baby.
THEY LAUGH

Not everyone I meet is as young
as myself and Matt.

The city was a bit stunning.

It is absolutely stunning. And I've
been amazed at how nice it is.

Fantastic. What do you think, Dave?
Dave? Hello. Sorry?

Sorry, you've got your earpiece in.

And if you don't feel like talking,

there's always lots
of things to eat.

Can I offer you something, Janine?

I don't think I'll have anything
to eat.

No? You just want tea?

I just want some tea. That's fine.

Because we'll eat yours,
don't worry.

THEY LAUGH

You can meet people in the most
unlikely of places. Hello.

You know you've bonded when you've
seen the smalls on full spin.

So how do we use these, then?

Well, the directions are not
easy to follow. Oh, no.

Cos they're written by some
engineer, not by a woman.

So, "Preparing laundry.
Load laundry.

"Close the door. Choose the
programme. Choose the temperature.

"Choose the spin speed. Choose..."
Flipping Nora.

Cruising the world, you could be
having lunch one minute

and be part of a wedding party
the next. Where are you from?

Are you from Denmark? Yes.
So are you getting married?

Of course you are.
She is getting married.

This is fantastic!
CHEERING

Oh, well, good luck. Bye. Farvel!
Farvel!

Oh, bless them.

Oh, I hope she's as happy as we all
thought we were going to be.

But I'm not going to lie.

Being on the telly is the perfect
conversation starter.

I've seen you on the telly.
Oh, have you, love? That's nice.

Have you just got on today?
I have, yes. Oh, that's nice.

Pleased to meet you. I'm Jane.
Pleased to meet you. Hi, Jane.

I never get over being recognised.

Especially when I'm on
the other side of the world.

That's Jane McDonald. She has just
said, "That's Jane McDonald."

That woman out there has just said,
"That's Jane McDonald."

Oh, my goodness, we are
famous in Australia.

But as we are all friends now, it's
time to share my knicker know-how.

You need pants, you need
lots of pants, black, neutral.

Never get white pants
to go under white clothes.

Cos it doesn't work.
All you can see is white pants.

You don't want white pants.

Now I'm going to show you
my knickers now, I can't believe it.

I've got my big knickers.

Neutral and black pants is
all you need.

There you go. I can't believe

I've just shown everybody my
knickers.

And my knicker news has spread
all the way to Jamaica.

Come in. Oh! Jane!
That's Jane from the cruise ship.

Hello.

How are you? You are the lady that
convinced us

we only needed nude knickers.
That's true.

That is definitely me. Yes.

Well, I'm sorry to interrupt,
you know, you carry on.

Of course, there's the odd occasion
where folk have no idea who I am.

May I take a photo with you?
Of course. Thank you, please.

Thank you. Nice to meet you.

And you. Nice to meet you too.
You are so kind.

You a movie star, or...? Oh, yeah.

Big movie star.
SHE LAUGHS

Really?! I'm so happy!

So not.

Have a nice day, OK? You too.
Bye-bye. OK, bye! Bye!

Thanks so much.

Wonderful!

I think she thought I was
Sofie Grabol from The Killing.

Which of course I'm not.

And of all the people you meet,

there's some you'd prefer
not to see again.

It has 1,057 rooms.

117 staircases.

MAN YELLS IN RUSSIAN
Morning.

MAN YELLS
Ey up!

I just want to go
and punch their lights out.

SHE LAUGHS

When I'm cruising, I feel as excited
as a child in a sweet shop,

and sometimes it feels

as though I'm allowed
to eat all the chocolate.

Yes!

Woohoo!

Come on!

And the excitement typically begins
when I find my cabin.

Are you ready?

Come in. I'm so excited.

Oh, my God. I've got a corridor!
I've got a corridor!

I've got a corridor!

Yes. I'm excited about the corridor.

SHE GASPS

SHE LAUGHS

Look at this!

That's a classy net curtain.

I like a classy net.

This suite aboard my ship
in South America was something else.

Oh, my goodness me. Look at this!

SHE GASPS
Jacuzzi! I've got a Jacuzzi!

And it's not just the big things
that excite me.

Never let it be said that
I'm easily pleased.

Even an extra toilet roll!

SHE GIGGLES

It's the little things that
get me going. No, I tell a lie.

I love everything about cruising.

This is your suite. OK.

Oh, my God!

It's like a flat!

It's like somebody's house.

SHE GASPS

There is a telly in my bed.

There's a telly here as well.

The bathroom.

Oh, well. At least
I didn't make a fool of myself.

Oh, my goodness me!

Look at this!

Oh, I've got
the floor heating again.

I mean, literally, you could
just put a pillow down here

and sleep here,
cos it's that lovely!

And it's not just heating systems
that get my blood pumping.

I'm chuffed to see
bottles of bubbly as well,

like this time in Mykonos.

And they weren't even for me.

Oh, my God. Look at this!
Look at this!

And of course, there's places
everyone gets excited by.

What's not to love? Look at this!

Like the grandeur of
the Sydney Opera House,

or in my case,
its soft furnishings.

Welcome to the Northern Foyer
of the Concert Hall.

Oh, my goodness me. It's gorgeous.
Look at this carpet. Just hang on.

I've got a thing about carpets.

Oh, my God. That's so gorgeous.
Look at the purple.

Be my guest!
SHE LAUGHS

Very regal. Very '70s. It is.

You see, that's why
I'm so at home on this.

Shut your face.

And if you think that
carpet has me floored,

wait until you see what
we have in part two.

See you soon.

Welcome back to
my cruising comedy scrapbook.

Over the years, I've been accused

of liking a bit of
a double entendre,

but it's not something
that I'm abreast of.

These jugs are just amazing.

I would say let's start to have
some fun and take it out, and, uh...

SHE CHUCKLES
Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it.
Let's get the magic key.

Let's have some fun and take it out.
HE CHUCKLES

Oh, my God.

That was amazing.

When he got hold of me, I thought,

"Well, he can do
what he wants, really."

Oh, it's shooting out at top, look.

Wow. Look at that.

It's, I was going to say,
putty in his hands.

It's exactly that.

He just caresses, teases,
and it just opens up.

Finally,
I'm being taken up the Ganges,

and I'm on my holidays.

Cheers. Yay!

See? All very innocent.

And in Valparaiso, Chile,

I was encouraged to have
a little spray of paint.

So, as long as you get permission,
you're allowed to spray.

Yes.

It feels naughty to go...

SHE IMITATES HISS OF AEROSOL SPRAY

But I mean, I might feel like
I want to be naughty.

Let's go, then. Yeah. Let's do it.
Let's go and be naughty.

OK, I've always been like it.
I can't help it.

Even if, it seems,
in the presence of royalty.

I met Princess Anita

and her daughter Alex
back in 2017 cruising the Danube.

I was in trouble
right from the start.

This is for your grandchildren.
Oh, great.

So, we have some biscuits
from the royals at home

to commemorate her birthday.
Thank you!

That's so nice. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I thank you, from all my heart.

I haven't brought a present.
I've brought nothing.

Didn't know you had
to bring a present.

Why didn't you tell me?

What's the favourite thing for you
about this wonderful house?

Um...

Because it's all big.
I like when it's big. Yeah?

THEY LAUGH

See? Size does matter.

And if it's small and sturdy,

like Captain Ian's tender boat
in the Hebrides...

Hiya, Skip. What we up to?

I'm away to collect your dinner.

..a bit of throttle
is just as important.

I like this bit.
This is my favourite part. Is it?

I love it, yeah.

Scream if you want to go faster.
Oh, stop it. Don't excite me.

BOTH LAUGH

I do have a soft spot for captains.
They always seem to float my boat.

How many bars are there, actually,
on here?

In total, there's 20 bars.

20. 20 bars on the ship.

Yeah. Wow.

I mean, it doesn't really matter
which end of the ship you start.

You can do a pub crawl from the
front to the back, top to bottom.

Yeah?
There's bars all over, yeah.

This is the biggest thing
I've ever been on. Ha!

And... Leave it! And, uh...

HE LAUGHS

We just know how
to push each other's buttons.

Aye, OK.

OK, I'll admit, sometimes I like
to have a little fun with folk,

like when I was trying
a new health kick in California.

Why don't we try
the vibration platform? Ready?

Yeah.

Ooh! Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh! Oh!

Can you...?
SHE LAUGHS

See? So, this is going
to supercharge your training.

Is it really? Yeah. What training?
HE LAUGHS

So, it's going
to increase your balance. Yeah.

Good circulation.

Ah!

And I have fun, even when
they have no idea what I'm on about,

like with poor Johann
when I was cruising up the Rhine.

The smallest bauble is this one.

Mm. look at that colour.
This is for you.

Oh! Green. Thank you.

This is the biggest ball,
which is 60cm.

Good grief. Yeah.

SHE LAUGHS

It's not my fault.

Like Roy Walker, I say what I see,

and sometimes my friend Sue
is just as bad.

Hello. Welcome to my lovely abode.

Right, get out of my shot now.

Your bosoms are looking smashing.
Are they? Are they heaving?

This mix that I'm doing for you
has got valerian,

so...which is good
for muscle relaxation,

and then lemon balm, passionflower,

and skullcap to help you
get into restful sleep.

Good.

It's very complex, getting to sleep.

Yeah. So, if you're out of whack,
then it's not going to help.

My whack is definitely out.

Don't worry. We get a lot of people
with their whack out.

THEY LAUGH

And sometimes
I even catch myself off-guard.

I never did a gap year.
I couldn't afford to do a gap year!

I could not afford to do a gap year.
What I did was I worked my passage.

SHE LAUGHS
To coin a phrase!

I, uh...
SHE LAUGHS

I can't believe what comes out
of my mouth, or in some cases,

what goes in it.

For me,
one of the best parts of cruising

around the world has been
stuffing my face with local grub.

What?

Mmm!

What?!
A girl has got to eat, you know.

And this pie and mash I had
in Sydney certainly filled a hole.

Dollop of mash. All right.

OK.

That's a big dollop from my...
Perfect.

That's a big dollop! Perfect.

Add some mushy peas. Oh, mushy peas.

I'm getting much bigger portions
than you are. That's all right.

I like...

I like a big portion. Right.

Always have, always will.

Mmm! Awesome.

In Copenhagen,
I went for something local,

and bit off more than I could chew.

Could I have the, um,
Fransk hot dog?

Tusind tak.

That's a sausage with a message.
That sausage is saying, "Eat me."

Mmm!

It took an even bigger one
to satisfy me in Vienna.

Oh!

And sometimes my attempts
at Franglais

can cause some confusion
when ordering a plate of seafood.

Uh, we've got quite
a few oysters here.

Um... How many did you ask for?
I only asked for two.

"Dix-huit"? No, that's 18.

I can't eat these.

Anybody fancy an oyster?

Mmm!

Oh, they're so good.

But as I cruised
the Mekong in Cambodia,

I was only too grateful that
the portions were much smaller.

What are these? It's, uh, silkworm.
Silkworms? Yeah.

Is it soft in the middle?
It's soft in the middle.

Eugh.

SHE GAGS
No, I can't. I can't...

SHE GAGS
No.

It's very simple.

Yeah?

It's kind of addictive.
When you get one...

That's not bad, actually, is it?
..after that you get another.

I can't believe I've eaten that.

Breakfast in the Bahamas
weren't much better.

What is this?
This is called sheep tongue.

Sheep...? Sheep tongue.

What is it again? Sheep's...?
Sheep tongue. Town? Sheep tongue.

Sheep town? Tongue.
Oh, tongue! Tongue!

Oh! Yeah. Sheep's tongue.

Yeah, sheep's tongue. Oh!
THEY LAUGH

Right!
I'm going in. Let's have a go.

Oh, actually, it's not bad.

In fact, it's that good,
it speaks for itself.

That weren't me only
close encounter with sheep.

I got to know one of them inside out
whilst on a cruise around Scotland.

I like haggis,
but I might not after today!

Apparently, everything is in it
but the squeak.

Well, this is a part of a lung.
This isn't a whole lung.

SHE GAGS

The lungs. They were nasty.

Oh...
I think this is a whole lung.

Ooh!
Oh, no. That's still part of a lung.

And all these...
I feel like I'm in Casualty.

It stinks. Can you put that
back down? Yeah, sure.

Do I get it down to the ball end?

THEY LAUGH

I mean, this ball end at...
You know.

Yeah, yeah. Squeeze it down,
like that. Squeeze it down.

Oh, God. That's disgusting,
isn't it?

That's a new culinary skill
I won't be repeating.

Fashion next -

something that comes
quite naturally

to a trendsetter like me.

Cruising is a great way
to discover different styles,

and you can easily get wrapped up
in the latest local looks.

I could see myself
tripping to the toilet in this.

Plenty of wedge on there,
and a bit of a wide fit...

..to accommodate my bunions.

Can you tell her I'm a size eight?

SHE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

She's probably saying,
"Never in this life, she isn't."

SHE LAUGHS

Well, we all like to spin a yarn.

Talking of which,
I felt like I was in a fairy tale

when I got dressed up
in a traditional dirndl.

Hello, Danielle. This is Kay.

You want to look classy. Yes.

You're a classy woman.

Oh, you'll do for me.
THEY LAUGH

That has been said
by a professional.

OK.

Oh, I feel like Heidi.

THEY LAUGH

You really need to see the boobs
a little bit up here.

It's funny how
you let people touch you

if you think it's like a doctor,
isn't it?

She obviously wanted to sort me out,
and she did.

They're going to be under my chin.

That's how it is.

I feel quite liberated.
It's fabulous.

I just feel really womanly.

Which is more than can be said
when I was in Scotland.

These boots were not made
for walking.

Flippin' heck.

I can't walk these flippin' things,
can I?

They're walking boots, Jane.

I know. That's what I'm saying.

They should give you lessons
how to walk in them.

I'm used to wearing stilettos
with diamantes on them,

and flip-flops.

This is not a good look for me,
is it?

Do they come with instructions?

Sensible shoes are not for me.

But when in freezing-cold Alaska,

even I have to give in
to function over fashion.

A balaclava.

Well, you can put it on as a hat.
SHE LAUGHS

Extreme-conditions underwear.

That'll keep the girls in.

I've got the pants to match.

They're not the most salubrious,
are they?

Look at the flipping elastic
on them. Oh!

I've got a shirt on,
I've got a jumper on, and...

..I've got my extreme underwear.
Look.

Trouble is,
it's got quite tight elastic,

so it's giving me
a bit of a line there.

I'm used to no VPL.

I think that's the most
extreme thing on it, actually,

is the elastic in the top
of the legs.

Extreme weather does call
for extreme measures.

And when the weather gets tough,
the tough get going.

Hello.

Nanook of the North has arrived.

Earmuffs.

SHE LAUGHS
This is a look, isn't it?

That were nothing compared to me

getting up for whale watching
in Iceland.

I'm so hot. I'm so hot!

And then outside, I'll have gloves,
goggles and the life jackets.

Oh, you're joking.
I have to put more on?

I can hardly walk!

SHE CHUCKLES

I'm supposed to be
a glamorous TV presenter.

That's what my job is, isn't it?

Hmm.

And as a TV presenter,
you've got to be good with words.

Perhaps not my strongest skill.

Over the years,

I've been lucky enough to cruise
around most of the world,

so you'd think I'd be
a cunning linguist by now.

Hej and velkommen til Kobenhavn.

Which means, "Ey up,
we're in Copenhagen."

That's as far as
my foreign tongue goes, though.

I mean, I have enough trouble
speaking English.

Just look at the beauty
of this place.

It's just gorgeous.

It's, like, envelopes you.

Envelops you.

That's it, isn't it?
Sorry. I don't know.

I'm not a proper TV presenter, am I?

Oh, my goodness me.
Look at that. Look at this.

Wow. It's like Nadia!
SHE LAUGHS

You just come out of a wardrobe
into something like this.

It's like a different country.

I reckon it's a bit like Narnia.
I meant that.

I might not be fluent
in other languages,

but I'll give un bon essai.

Bonjour, messieurs et mesdames.

I'm in France. Je m'appelle Jane!

Je...I am cruising...
Uh, I'm not good at this language.

Ooh-la-la. Well, I did my best.

When you're in so many countries,
it's easy to get confused,

like when I was admiring
Bratislava's fancy architecture.

They actually call it goulash.

I actually thought
goulash were a soup.

Or a stew. But it just means
everything thrown in.

That's what "goulash" means.

It's a bit of a hot pot.

I often had food on my mind
when I were out and about.

So, I've finally reached
Transylvania. I'm hear in Bran.

That's Bran village.
This is Bran Castle.

It's all Bran.
It's very good for your digestion.

And another thing to keep you
regular is lots of exercise,

like when I climbed up
these steps in Portugal

on my cruise down the Douro.

Now, everywhere you go...
SHE PANTS

Just hang on a minute.

Everywhere you go here,
you see these beautiful tiles.

Blue and white tiles
called uza...uzu...

SHE LAUGHS

What is it called again?

Azulejos. OK.

Morning. Good morning.

And I weren't much better

when I got SCHLOSST in Germany.

Rudehei... Rudesheimer Schloss.

Rudes... Rudesheimer Schloss.
Rudesheimer Slost. What?

Rudesheimer...? Rudesheimer Schloss.
Rude-sheimer Sloss.

We're in Germany this morning!

So, I might not be a linguist,
but hurry back,

because there's plenty more
faux pas to come.

Welcome back. And up next is
something I always do in moderation.

It's drinking.

Having a drink is
all part of the cruise,

whether it's on land, on board at
the cocktail bar,

or in your cabin.

SHE GASPS

It's so bright and airy
and gorgeous and wine!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my goodness me!

I do love a little tipple
in my cabin,

especially when
there's a well-stocked minibar.

Oh!

Look!

Oh, you will not see me for
the rest of the cruise now.

I would like to say...

..cheers. Welcome aboard.

And booze is always great
to share on a cruise.

Champagne. That's always handy.

Cos you never know who
you're going to invite in, do you?

Or not, as the case may be.

Usually, you have a bottle
of champagne with your loved one.

I spent hours researching
the best places to visit,

purely for professional reasons.

This bar is one of the most
exclusive in Mykonos.

It's called the Kitrino Bar,
and it means yellow!

Who knew that? Who knew?

So, just come.
Come and have a little cocktail.

That's what I'm doing!
I love my life!

Yes!

Leave me here!

Cruising can give you
access to places

you would never normally see.

So, all port is made in Portugal?
Yes.

Oh! Yes, by law, yes.

On this valley?
On the Douro Valley region, yes.

Drinking up the local culture

is what travelling the world
is all about.

Ooh!

It is so good. So smooth.
Fills your mouth with... It does.

There's all sorts going off.
It's dancing across my tongue.

Layers and layers of...
There is. Yeah, yeah.

I might finish this one.
I might... Leave the bottle.

And in France, when I had mastered
one tasting technique,

I soon discovered another one
I had been missing.

Like your favourite ice cream.

Swallow slowly.
Step by step. Not too long.

Oh, yeah. It's amazing, eh?

That is different. Sucking.

OK. I'm going in for another suck.

Nowadays,
it's everything in moderation,

as I explained to the performers
on the cruise in Alaska.

Do you get nervous at all
before the shows?

Sometimes. A little bit. A little.

Yeah?

You see, we were totally
unprofessional 20 years ago.

We used to have music going,
but then a quick brandy...

THEY LAUGH
..just to get us down.

Which of course is
so unprofessional.

But, no, take no notice of
what I've just said there.

I didn't really drink that much.

Ooh!

Yeah, we did.

We were shocking.

But after all my travelling,
I've become far more cultured.

I've got to an age now where
I don't want to sit at a pool

and drink a pina colada every day.

I want to get out
and see a bit of the world.

That's just what I think,
personally, anyway.

I could be wrong.

You might still want to sit
and have a pina colada at a pool.

I don't blame you.

Actually, I want to do that as well.

Now, it's not always alcohol
I'm drinking,

like this local delicacy
I had to try in Cuba.

Sugar cane?

That's what sugar looks like.
I just thought it came in packets.

It's terrible, isn't it?

Got pure sugar here.
I don't really do sugar.

Ooh!

Oh, I can't have that.

Here you are, love. You have that.

That'll keep you going. Energy.

Bye.

And just when I thought
I'd tasted it all,

in Germany they made me
drink vinegar.

I had no idea that it was inhaled
to stop bacteria and disease.

Good for your digestion, as well.

Forget the Gaviscon.
Get some vinegar down your neck.

Thank you.

Ooh, that smells gorgeous.

Now, I wouldn't recommend doing this
down your local chippy.

Now you feel it real warm
going through your stomach, yeah?

Five past ten in the morning,
I'm drinking vinegar.

And when in Rome -
or Hungary in this case -

it would be rude not to try
a shot of the local brandy -

palinka.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Down in one? Cheers.

Chuck it down you.

If I known it was 37.5-degree proof,
I probably would have sipped it.

What a palinka!

Oh, my God.

After all that drinking,
I need a lie down.

Now, I've had the privilege
of staying in some fabulous cabins

on a whole host of ships
over the years.

Oh, my God!

Look at this!

And the best bit is finding out
what makes each cabin unique.

Now, you can tell
these are brand-new,

because these have just
come out of a packet

cos they've still got the crease in!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, what are these?

"Dead sea salt contains
ten times more minerals

"than ordinary sea salt."

So, you don't want
to put this on your chips.

I like a good solid
door on my toilet.

Call me old-fashioned,
but, you know,

if someone's in the...

You know what I mean? I don't
like... I like a door on me khazi,

and that's it!

God, that's a big balcony, isn't it?
Yes. It's only alone for you.

Oh. Yeah. Thank you.

I can go topless.
SHE LAUGHS

Maybe not. Anyway, uh... OK.

No, get that thought
out of your head.

Poor lad. And I weren't finished
with him just yet.

I mean, you can get
two people in this shower.

Hmm! It's nice, isn't it?

You can get three people in
the shower. Ray, get in the shower.

Oh, I get into the shower too?
Yeah. No. No? OK? Yeah.

So, three people in the shower.
Missing one.

Three people in the shower.

We can have a party on the balcony
and end up in the shower.

SHE LAUGHS

That's fab, isn't it?

I've stayed in a huge range
of cabins over the years,

and occasionally I've been lucky
enough to live the life of luxury.

Are you expecting royalty
or something?

My ship on the Danube
was incredibly fancy.

This ship is very much like
a floating Dorchester.

Whereas I'm used to Travelodge.

Oh, my goodness me!

It's bigger than my house!

Look at this. I've got a sofa!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my God.

There's, like,
big tellies everywhere.

Mm! I love a bathroom.

SHE GASPS
I've got a sauna!

SHE GASPS

Look at this!

You can sit there in the nuddy
and nobody can see you.

Mind you, I'm in the owner's suite!

And when you come out of the cabin,

it's not always people
that you get to hang out with.

Ooh!

SHE LAUGHS

You think it's actually coming up
the wire, don't you?

Ooh!
SHE LAUGHS

So, this has just been caught,
has it? It's very fresh?

Yeah. Ooh!

Whoa!

SHE LAUGHS
It's alive!

Now, what we're going to do,
I've got a little treat for Milo,

and what we're going to do is pop
it right in between your teeth...
No, we're not.

..and she's going to show
her excellent accuracy,

grab it right from
between your teeth,

and fly into her nest box.

Are you ready for that? No!
LAUGHTER

Come on! No. Are you crazy?

And while there was no chance of me

trying to take
David Attenborough's job,

I still keep coming face-to-face
with our furry four-legged friends.

This is just like...
SHE LAUGHS

Did you see that one?!

SHE LAUGHS
Did you see that then?

THEY LAUGH

I'm being rammed!

SHE LAUGHS

Is that a word?
Have I just made that up?

Ooh!
SHE LAUGHS

Sorry! Ah!

This is not my natural habitat.

But in Scotland,
this cheeky sheepdog stole my heart.

Oh!

I love you. Your lovely, aren't you?

Yeah? I love you.
DOG WHINES

No, you can't kiss me.

Ta-ra.
DOG WHINES

THEY LAUGH

Got me. You little tinker.

And who can forget
the time I got snappy

when I realised I might be
on a crocodile's lunch menu?

This is our Cage of Death,
so we'll put you in here.

The Cage...? Sorry? The what?

The Cage of Death? Yes!

I certainly can't forget it,
and I really tried.

Jump up and in there, Jane.
OK.

It's pretty scary,
but unbelievable. Unbelievable.

That's dessert. Back off.

Ooh!
SHE LAUGHS

And you've never really lived

until you've been poo
hunting at the zoo.

And no, I don't mean the bear.

First, we're just going to have a
bit of a look

and see if there is any...
Oh, I've found some poos!

Oh, great. If you want to get
your scraper.

Get my scraper. Bring it in here.
Just down...

They really find a way of, like,
wedging it into the corners.

Where? So, if you want to reach down
in here and just kind of flick them

out onto the ground there.
Yeah, that's perfect.

Give them a little flick.
Right. OK.

And when I'm not flicking it,
I'm smelling it.

Right. We're here with t'penguins.

It's cold, it's windy and if you've
got a sense of smell...

it don't smell great.

Yep, they definitely stink.

But there are some animals
that I feel naturally drawn to.

How do you say, "Here, pussy,
pussy"? Kss, kss, kss,

Kss, kss, kss. That's in Russian,
is it?

Kss, kss, kss. It's K and S.

It's Russian for calling a cat.
Kss, kss, kss, kss, kss.

Aw! Love you!

I've got a connection with cats
because I was in Cats in Blackpool.

Even though I have a love-hate
relationship with animals,

they seem to hate me more.
CAMEL GROWLS

Ready? Don't like this already.
Don't like it.

Hee..
CAMEL GROWLS

Ooh! Here we go.
JANE SCREAMS

Ooh! I'm not that heavy.

They're not nervous, I guess,
around people.

HE LAUGHS

Apart from me. That's right!

They do bite a little bit
but it's only play biting.

They're not dangerous to us it's
more things like fences,

for example, they'll push
straight through... Ow!

HE LAUGHS
Just bit me then.

It's a love bite, I promise. No,
it's not. It is.

I'll try anything on my travels
and laugh in the face of danger.

However, this road buggy ride

in Dubrovnik was more grimace
that than grin.

Oh, my God!

Flippin' hell!

JANE LAUGHS

OK. Oh, my goodness me, Nico. All
good?

What you doing, man?
SHE LAUGHS

Oh, good grief! All I could hear is
David in the back going,

"Look at that beautiful view," and
I'm thinking, "I'm going to die."

I wasn't much better with this
high-tech virtual reality

game aboard my ship in the med.

I'm a lover not a fighter.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, my God!

THEY SCREAM

Take that, sucker!

I like to think I'm brave and even
when I think I know what's coming,

like on my cruise in Albany, it can
still often come as a surprise.

Oh!

Oh, my God! And that's the normal
reaction we get. Yeah. Gosh.

That's quite a spectacle. Thanks.
Yeah, it really is.

That certainly made me jump.
It really did.

OK, when I said brave,
I might have jumped the gun a bit.

Surely after one cannon I'd be
prepared for the next.

Whoo!

By God that were loud!

It doesn't take much to make me
jump out of my skin,

like this relaxing balloon ride
over Pont du Gard.

GAS WHOOSHES

It's a bit noisy. It is very noisy.
Frightened the life out of me.

JANE SQUEALS

Joseph Montgolfier was there in 1782

and invented the hot-air balloon
just there.

GAS WHOOSHES

JANE SCREAMS, LAUGHS

On my cruise up the Danube, the crew
said, "Would you like a facemask?"

Each one's got a different.. Yeah,
different sort of look.

Not quite what I had in mind.

Argh!
JANE SCREAMS

Oh, my God! Oh, good grief!
What you doing? Hello.

Traditional costume or not,
he's lucky I didn't wallop him.

There's plenty more screams
still to come. See you in a mo.

Welcome back to our look
through our comedy scrapbook.

Up next is one of my faves.

Sorry, Ed, it's men.

Letting handsome men enter my
personal space is all

part of the job. Strictly
professional at all times,

obviously. And then I'm going
to step on you a little bit.

Oh, are you?

I was a little apprehensive
because you just never know how it's

going to be with someone personally
touching you like that.

Are you crazy?
What you doing to me, man?

Not because it's interfering with
anything, but I mean,

different masseurs have different
techniques and I was thinking,

"Please don't be too painful

"because that's just not going to be
pleasant."

How do you feel? Erm,
surprisingly OK.

And you know me, I can't resist
a captain.

How are you? Fine, thank you.

You're too good-looking to be
a captain.

So I'm going to leave before I say
something that I'll

get into trouble for.

No, no, it's OK.

He so gorgeous, ain't he,
for a captain? I mean,

whoa!
SHE GROWLS

Every captain I've had has been
rather dashing.

Or, like my captain taking me
down the Rhine, probably wishing

he was dashing away from me.

You're very young for a captain.

Can I ask how old you are?
Yeah, I'm 34. 44? 34. 34.

I was going to say you look
unbelievably well for 4... No!

He's gorgeous. Do you know what
mistletoe is?

I know what a mistletoe is and I
know what happens under it.

Do you? I do. Just wondering, you
know, if there's any on board?

I don't know how a mistletoe looks
like. Leave it with me, Captain.

I love a man in uniform and on a
ship, you have plenty.

I have some nice aprons for you.

Got this. Because you are more
skinny than me. We just...

Oh, is that right?

Are you still married by the way?
Still. Oh. There you go. Anyway...

And there it is, that question
I always seem to be asking.

Are you married? Yeah.
Yeah. Of course you are.

Are you married, Captain?

No. No. Not this week.
Not this week.

THEY LAUGH

Everybody's very friendly here.

In every island in Greece,

the people, they are very kind.
Very kind.

You married yet? Not yet. Not yet.
Uh-huh.

I'm very close to that. Ah.

I need only one thing. What's that?
The wife. A wife.

Yeah, it does help. It does help.

Hello. Are you the driver?
Yeah, I'm the driver. Oh, hello!

My name is Alex, it's nice to meet
you. Alex.

Very nice, Alex. Yeah, you can call
me Alex. Are you married?

Not yet. Not yet. Oh!

You can't blame me for trying,

but as they say, it takes two
to tango

and you never know what's on offer.

We in the movies? You are in the
movies, my darling. How are you?

Good. How are you?
Lovely to meet you.

What kind of a movie? This is not
a dirty movie, is it? No.

Well, not yet!
THEY LAUGH

Well, we can... If I have the
energy, love. If I have the energy.

If you did, yes.

But of course there's only
one man in my life

and he's always in my thoughts.

"Butter for lovers. This love butter
supports deep, romantic union."

I say!

It's a ghee and a coconut oil
infusion.

Yeah. So there are herbs,
they're aphrodisiacs.

Don't film me getting love butter!

Hey, Ed, you're in for a treat,
baby.

What can I say?
I'm just a romantic at heart.

On a cruise it's all about getting
involved with new activities and

when I'm not having a drink
in the bar,

I've always tried to stay active.

Like that?

And there have been some great ways
to do so on board my ships.

What's the name? Lucky. Lucky.
That's a British penguin.

Opa!

Oh! Just a pip.

It were a bit rubbish, weren't it?
It were a bit.

Oh!

Oh, what the heck were that?

Hey! Come on!

So let's lie down on your back.

OK. I like this one.

And bend your knees
towards your chest. Good.

Turn the head to the left. There
we go. Good. That's an hard one.

Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much indeed.

I'm at one with myself.

Me inner sanctum is jumping for joy.

Ooh, I felt like a new woman.

But I wish she'd
been around to help me

up the streets of San Francisco.

It's lovely but it's hilly.

Flippin' heck.

I thought I could live
here at first,

but you can't just go
out for a walk here.

It's like climbing Everest.
I mean, look at this.

I could do with a rope.
Look at that.

Well, at least I didn't
need me crampons for a gym

session on a stop-off
down the Rhone.

The guys made it look so easy.

You want to try? Ooh! What?

Oh, my God. What have I let myself
in for here?

I don't think I can do that.

JANE LAUGHS

Yeah. Ooh, ooh!
Hang on. Two, three. Ooh!

JANE SQUEALS, LAUGHS

My bingo wings were feeling as
deflated as me ego at this point.

No, it's not happening.

SHE GASPS
That's terrible, ain't it?

That's it. That's me done.

Hey!

Let's be honest, I'm more a lady of
leisure, so this Segway tour

around Athens was right up my
street. Looks quite hard.

It's not, it's natural and

everything is controlled by
your body.

Yeah, that's what my problem is.
My body's out of control.

No, don't worry. Anybody can do
that. Rights.

Lean. Hey! I'm not doing anything,
you're doing it.

So, how are you going to stop?

Perfecto. When I got to grips with
it, I actually had a fab time.

The main temple is called Parthenon
and it was dedicated to Athena

and she was a virgin.

Actually Parthenon in Greek means
the temple of the virgin.

Do you have to be either a virgin or
a goddess to get in there?

Yeah. I'd better stay down here
then.

JANE LAUGHS

Well, I might not have Greek
ancestors, but a little

island in Scotland gave me food
for thought about my family tree.

I actually think I'm at the end of
my pilgrimage to find my ancestors.

I think if you put me
and that puffin back-to-back,

we'd look like a pickaxe.

Same nose.

Fall over.

I'm related to the puffin.

Before I left, I couldn't resist
a few snaps of my long-lost family.

I've got some fantastic shots of
some puffins here.

I'm chuffing Bear Grylls, aren't I?!

They walk like little old men.

They've got webbed feet
and everything,

which is a bit odd, innit?

Because birds usually...you know,
do that, don't they?

Well, parrots do.

I sound right thick.

I sound right thick!

PUFFIN CALLS

Now, one of the best things about
doing all of these activities is,

wherever you are in the world,
you get to meet the locals.

And no matter where in
the world I've been,

they've welcomed me with open arms.

Or by touching noses, in the case
of this Maori tribe

I met in New Zealand.

Welcome, Jane. Thank you so much.
Welcome to Waiohiki.

Oh, how lovely. Welcome.

Oh, wow.

Oh, I feel very humbled by that.

And before I left that village,

I couldn't turn down the chance
of a quick blow.

Do you want me to take my lipstick
off? No, you're fine.

LOW SUSTAINED NOTE

APPLAUSE

Not bad. Not bad. Not good.

Of course, cruising round the world,

you meet locals from all
walks of life.

And the lumberjacks I met in Alaska
put on quite a show.

LOUD THUD

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

Oh, my God! He just fell,
and he fell astride -

bang! - right on his nuts.

Hello, boys. That was absolutely
great. Thank you.

Are you all married? No. No.

So, hey, girls and boys,
still single.

They say, "Once you lumberjack,
you never lumber back."

LUMBERJACKS: Yeah!

And in Puerto Rico, the eye-candy
was just as tasty.

Only with less clothes.

Oh, hello.
SHE LAUGHS

Trouble is, I'm old enough
to be his mother.

Francisco. Francisco.

Hola, como estas? Very nice to meet
you. Very nice to meet you.

Rafael. My fiance, Rafael. Rafael.
Rafael, si. Yeah.

Today, we're celebrating our
one-year anniversary.

This is our one-year anniversary.
Oh! Well, congratulations.

Thank you. I had to drink to that.

It would've been rude not to.

Here we go. You're ready.

I'm ready to rock and roll.

Puerto Rican style. Yeah. Ready. OK.

Yes. Sip up. This is a good look,
yeah? Yes.

How is that? Oh, my God,
that's fantastic.

This is the best ever!
That is Puerto Rico for you.

Although, not every local was as
friendly as I'd hoped.

I don't even know what the rate is.

SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

No?

On the whole, I'm made to feel
welcome everywhere I go.

Like in Chile, on a fab excursion

where I had lunch with
a local family.

Papi. Salud. Salud.

My pleasure to have you here.

Great to see you. Yeah.
Cheers, everyone.

Ooh! Woo!

Oh, he wants me to drink it.
HE SPEAKS SPANISH

Ooh!

HE SPEAKS SPANISH
Yeah?

Right, OK.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime
experience

we really couldn't do anywhere else.

Oh, OK. He will teach you.

OK. Oh, my God, the man's
got a knife.

I don't care any more. I'm having
a brilliant time.

Oh, that's a big piece of meat.

Try, you said you have to try this.

Open the... The mouth. ..mouth.

Open the mouth.

Mm! Delicious, isn't it? Mm!

Mm! I'm not leaving.

I'm staying.

Salud!
HE SPEAKS SPANISH

He says that you should stay so that
you can sing for us. Oh!

I don't know where he got that
information from.

No idea, yeah.

He knows! Another one of these,
you won't stop me!

All that socialising really does
take it out of you.

But wherever I am, I always try to
make sure I look my best.

Well, nearly always.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

What? You're a bit early,
aren't you?

Haven't even got my face on
or anything.

Actually, that's not a look for
camera, is it?

That's not a look for the viewers
to see me in.

They're used to seeing me
looking glamorous.

OK, I'm nearly 40 now.

I know, it's hard to believe.

Time has come to start looking for
the secret to eternal youth.

It's out there, somewhere.

HIGH-PITCHED NOTE PLAYS
Is this going to help me

feel better and maybe not so old?

THEY CHUCKLE

Can only do so much.
All right, thank you.

This sound healing in Australia
really did hit the right notes.

This actually feels great.

HIGH-PITCHED NOTE PLAYS

Just going to ground you now with
the tuning forks.

Ooh!

That's lovely. There's a vibration
right going up my legs there.

Ooh.

I've got a tuning fork
as home as well -

I might just try different
things with that now.

I just think as a lady of a
certain age, it's important to try

new things, and on a cruise, there's
plenty to try.

Are you ready? Yeah, go
on, then, slap it on me. OK.

Oh, this just feels wrong!

I've never been
smothered in chocolate.

Saying that, we were lucky to get
pond cream in the chemist in my day.

Mm. My old man's in for a treat.

I'll get the Nutella out
when I get home. Yeah.

Other chocolate
spreads are available.

On my cruise around Australia
and New Zealand, more extreme

measures were taken in the form
of a shocking new treatment -

ionithermie.

So, I'm just going to go in and get
myself electrocuted, apparently.

Apparently they cover you in
clay and put electrodes in.

Er...what am I doing?
Why am I doing this?

I still don't know what
I were thinking!

What are you doing?

Oh, blinking hell, that's...
Geez!

You need to think positive.

It's like getting
six pack without workout.

JANE MOUTHS

My muscles are getting
used to it now.

Oh! Now, they're not!

OK, let's release you!

Well, I feel fabulous, thank you.
I do, now it's stopped.

You're welcome.

But that weren't the only
time I increased the ship's

electricity bill.

I'm nearly 40 now, and you've
got to look after yourself a bit.

If I go back with
these bags to the UK,

they're going to charge me excess
baggage. You know what I'm saying?

So, we need it sorting.

This ultrasonic lift treatment
certainly sparked my interest.

So, what is this going to do,
it's going to make me

look ten years younger? Mm-hm!

Are you putting electricity into my
muscles? Yeah. To re-educate them?

To exercise them, yes. Oh!

Just feels like your auntie has
come up to you, and gone, "Hiya!"

You know, when they
pinch your cheek.

I've had enough probes in me
to last a lifetime,

but nowhere near enough
for this Comedy Scrapbook.

Plenty more to come.

Welcome back to my Comedy Scrapbook.

Over the years,
I've tried my hand at everything -

or in this case, my feet.

And when I was in South America, the
Latin fever swept me off my feet.

Somebody right in the door!

I love dancing, but I just
can't help my two left feet,

as I proved in Argentina.

Are you ready to do it?

Even a partner turning up
couldn't help me here.

Yeah.
INSTRUCTOR SPEAKS SPANISH

WHISPERS: What's your name?
Tim. I'm Jane.

TANGO MUSIC PLAYS

Right, so you've done this before,
yeah? Not much, a little bit.

Oops, sorry.

Oh, dear, I'm terrible at this.

Cross.

SHE LAUGHS

Tim, I've lost it, I've
got my legs too crossed.

BOTH LAUGH

Bueno. Muy bien.

Ow!

I do love getting involved in
traditional dance, especially when

there's a man flinging me around.

Jean, how are you? Do you want to
have a wee dance?

Yeah.

This is a Gay Gordons.

Now you've got to do a wee twirl.

Right.

SHE LAUGHS
You've got it in one.

You've done this before.
My dad taught me years ago.

Oooh! Oh. Sorry.

Sorry.
Oh, I've gone a bit dizzy.

APPLAUSE

Well done.
Thank you.

I've logged out.

SHE LAUGHS

A bit dizzy.
Do you want a wee seat?

Ooh, that got me all light-headed,
just like my dance teacher in Cuba.

Senor Garcia.

HE SPEAKS SPANISH
OK.

HE DIRECTS IN SPANISH

Open and release.

Open and release. Are you married?

Open...

Yes. You sure?

LAUGHTER

..e dos.

E tres.

E quattro...

I'm feeling a bit fabulous and a bit
smug, actually.

Cos I'm, I'm into it.

I'm going for it.

Just cos there's snow on the roof
doesn't mean the fire's gone out,
you know?

OK. Cut.
Now, I have a surprise for you.

Come... Oh, whoa.

Whooooooo! ..to there.

OK.
SHE LAUGHS

I quite liked that bit.

OK, I'm no Darcey Bussell but

Strictly Come Cruising, here I come.

As if my dancing wasn't extreme
enough,

these activities certainly were.

Across the series, I've
sometimes left the comforts of my

ship in search of some more
blood-pumping activities.

Oh, my God.

Like when I zipped along at height
in Canada.

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

Woohoo-hoo!

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

Ohhhhhh!

Woooo!

Whoa.

Ohhhh, waaaah!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, God.

Of course, that's not the only time

I've been strapped in and thrown off
a tall building.

SHE SQUEALS
Look at that!

SHE LAUGHS
What am I doing?

That's a long way down.
That is a long way down.

SHE SQUEALS
Are you ready? No.

SHE SCREAMS

No!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE CONTINUES TO SCREAM

Oh!

Oh, my God!

What am I doing with my life?

Oh! Ed, I love you. Oh, my goodness,
I'm alive. I'm alive!

And with all these high adrenaline
adventures... Hiya.

..you need to dress the part.

Like on my boat ride in Montreal.
Banana.

I don't suppose this is the best
look I've ever had.

Everyone keeps staring, they must've
recognised me.

You look so good, I look like a
Minion.

That's funny.

This is not funny, is it? I mean,
you look really buff and gorgeous,

I look like something
that the cat dragged in.

ROUSING MUSIC PLAYS

PA: Iced water coming in on the
left-hand side.

PA CONTINUES

SCREAMING

And just for the record,

the yellow poncho didn't keep the
water out.

On to one of my favourite hobbies
next.

It's shopping!

I don't buy an awful lot.

Oh, I'm such a liar.

But money is for spending, what's
the point in just putting it

in a bank? I spend a lot. When I'm
cruising, I'm on my holidays so I'm

allowed to go shopping. Right?

16 euros for a pair of pants?

Bloody hell.

I do like that. That's shadows of
tree.

CLATTERING
Oops.

That's all right.

Shopping on cruises is great, with
so much choice and you discover

things you never knew you needed.
Oh, a bottle opener.

These always come in han...
Ooh, ey up.

Hang on a minute.

"Kangaroo scrotum".

Huh? And it's genuine, apparently.

On my cruise around Russia,
there were

unexpected items in the bagging
area.

Oooh! That looks like me!

Could you let me have a look at this
one?

That's definitely me.

Oh, my God, all of a sudden,
I really like these.

SHE LAUGHS

Ooh! These are fabulous.
Look, I've got my own Russian doll.

Matryoshka. Matryoshka McDonald.

Oh, I do love getting dolled up.

So this essential purchase in
Scotland was a real struggle.

So you put this on at night. Over
your head. No, no, if you're going

out during the day.
You're joking me?

I'm not, honestly. So you just put
this... I've got a mirror,

you can have a look. It's fine.
Just put this over your head?

LAUGHTER
Is somebody winding me up?

Is this really a Midge Net? Yes.

Would you like to come round and
look in the mirror?

Is this a wind up really? No, it's
not.

Do people wear these normally? Of
course they do. I sell loads of

them, honestly.

I can't go out looking like that!

Why?

Honestly, you look good.

OK, I'll have one then.

Don't go anywhere, as after the
break, there's more than just that

net to catch your eye.

Now, despite what some people say,

I'm actually quite musical - from
dancing the waltz to singing it...

# Waltzing Matilda

# You'll come a-waltzing
Matilda with me... #

If there's music involved,
then I'm in.

Like on my tour around Buenos Aires.

We have one of the nicest
architectural buildings in the

city, which is this one,
look at this. Oh!

This is our Opera House.

Opera's not normally my thing, but I
guess I'll give it a go. When

Pavarotti was singing here, some
reporters ask him what was his

opinion about the theatre and he
said, "Well, I don't like it at all

"because the acoustic is so perfect
that if I made a single mistake,

"everybody will notice that."

ARIA CLIMAXES

I best not play here then.

Good job they were closed that day.

I do like to clear out the pipes
every now and then, though.

And in New Zealand,
I got the chance.

PIPES PLAY
I'll show you what to do. Right.

Put this under your arm. Yeah. Blow
into this here and see if you can

make a sound for a start.

LOW-PITCHED NOISE

LOW-PITCHED NOISES

No, I don't think I could do that.

I was a bit of oooh.

No, that takes a lot of doing.

See you later. Thanks very much.
Bye. Bye.

I think it's probably best I leave
the instrument playing to the

professionals.
Or the tipsy troubadour.

Ey up. Hello.

HE SINGS IN SPANISH

Yeah.

CONTINUES TO SING

What are you doing there?

CONTINUES IN SPANISH

# Aaaaah, ay ay ay, oy oy! #

Is this a love song?

SHE JOINS IN

# Quiereme
Quiereme, quiereme... #

I haven't had as much to drink as
you.

Even though I've been lucky enough
to travel the world, my roots are

close to my heart and I'll remind
you at every moment possible. I'm a

very lucky singer from Wakefield.

Very important place to me called
Wakefield. Ah!

Wakefield. Wakefield.

Wakefield. Wakefield. Wakefield.

Wakefield. Wakefield.

Wakefield. Wakefield. Wakefield.

Wakefield. Wakefield. Wake...

I've been told to come up here and
see this amazing view.

Is that it?

I mean, no disrespect, but looks
like Wakefield.

As the famous saying goes,

all roads lead to Yorkshire,
even in Canada.

Hi. Hi. Are you Simon? Jane, very
nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Welcome to Spirit of York.

I am the spirit of York, love. I
love it.

Welcome home then. Thank you.

We get everywhere, us Northerners.

Even amongst the glitz and glam of
Santa Monica,

I found a Yorkshire lass.

Hello, love. Hello. All right, lass?

Yeah. How are you? Good. How are
you? I'm really well. Oh, my God.

Whereabouts are you from then?
Leeds. Leeds. Originally, yeah.

Well, you're abroad, aren't you? I
know.

Right up t' road. You still doin'
singing in TV shows?

I am, love, yeah.

You live here then? Yeah, been here
for ten years.

Oh, my God. It's too bloody hot,
though.

JANE LAUGHS
Don't you think?

I'm used to rain. Nice to meet
you, darling. Lovely to meet

you, Jane. That's so cool. Oh...

How exciting.

They're still filming. Stop it!

No matter where I go in the world,

I always seems to bump into my
neighbours.

Is that a Wakefield accent? Yep.

Marygate's Lane. Marygate's Lane!

My gosh, I could walk it to your
house from mine. You could. Yeah.

Hark at us. Hark at us from
Wakefield.

I do miss home though,
while I'm away.

Woooo! Because, as a very famous
lady once said,

there's no place like it.

It's like a palace!

Oh, this is the Yellow Brick Road,
look.

If I click my heels three times,

I'll be back in Wakefield.

Nope, still in Cambodia.

And I do try to be a local
ambassador, spreading good Yorkshire

produce to all corners of the globe.

I've brought a tin for you.

All the way from where I live. Oh,
right. In England. Yeah.

And it's a place called Yorkshire.

Yeah. I've eaten all the biscuits.

You've eaten all the biscuits.
Yeah.

I like these. I can't even get
a taste of it?

I know, I'm so sorry.
But they're very good biscuits.

And although it seems like
everybody is moving away these days,

I won't be leaving home any time
soon.

Even for my ideal home in Iceland.

That is just your dream house.

Thinking of giving up the bright
lights of Wakey and
coming to settle here?

Nothing'll take me away from Wakey.

But to come here for the summer,

that's just a bit extravagant,
isn't it?

There's nowt wrong with a caravan in
Brid.

Now, professionalism is always
something I pride myself on.

But sometimes things don't
always go to plan.

Oh, wow. It's very dark in here.

You've just blown your candle out.
Oh, sugar.

Ohhhh!

I'm in Russia!

I'm very excited.

Cos I've never been here.

It's something... Oh, I nearly
walked through window then.

I didn't have much more luck on
board my ships.

I think I'd like to go off today
and...

Oh, something's just dropped on my
head.

Oh, are you painting? Hello.

Morning. Are you painting?

No, we're putting grease.

Oh, you're putting grease, great.

Just got grease in my hair. Oh!

SHE LAUGHS

Maybe not. I've just got drenched.

And lightning struck twice when I

was sailing down the River Ganges
in India.

They've li...
PLOP

Ooh!

SHE LAUGHS

What's that?

Summat's just dropped off there,

and into my tea.

I reckon it were a message from
above.

I mean, what's a girl to do when
things just don't go her way?

GEARS CRUNCH

With the pedal. Up.
SHE LAUGHS

Perhaps getting in the driving seat
wasn't the best idea.

And it were one thing after another
when I visited France.

MECHANICAL BUZZING

SHOUTS: That much noise going on
around me right now, I can't even

hear myself think.

Never mind sit here and have a
peaceful...

..picnic.

Damn, I haven't brought a glass.

Ow! Now I've just been bitten by
something.

Now I've got ants.

Great.

They're after my strawberry tart.

I just know they are.

TRAIN AND TRAFFIC NOISE

SHOUTS: I don't believe it, there's
a flaming train as well!

Get me out of here!

I've even got a wet backside.

I've travelled the world,
experienced once-in-a-lifetime

adventures, and with all you as me
crewmates,

I couldn't have asked for
better company. Ta-ra for now!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media