Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Jane McDonald.

Did someone mention cruise?

I caught the cruising bug more than 20 years ago

when I was working as a singer on a ship.

See, when I were on the ships, I had no window.

I used to have to put the television on to see what type of day it was.

It's not just us Brits who are crazy about cruising.

Last year 25.8 million holiday-makers worldwide

choose to cruise.

There a cruise for everyone.

There's quiet cruises, there's party cruises,

there's island cruises, there's river cruises

and I'm just going to carry on cruising till I've found you

your perfect cruise. Try stopping me.

There's a cocktail bar over there.

I like big ships, small ships, thin ships, fat ships,

friendships, relationships.

I like all ships!

Now I'm off to waters unknown.

I'm treating myself to some cool Scandi-style in the Baltic

on this beauty, the Viking Sky.

Welcome to my yacht.

It's dead posh.

It's full of surprises.

All the cabins have a balcony, and I do mean all of them.

Hello!

And there's even real art everywhere.

It does look like Susan Boyle, doesn't it?

It's like being on a private yacht.

An Abramowitz-sized one.

Cheers. Cheers.

And I've been rooting in the cupboards

and found some exciting new stuff to show you.

Buzz! SHE LAUGHS

Hej and velkommen til Kobenhavn.

Which means ey up, we're in Copenhagen.

And this is where my Baltic adventure begins.

It's the capital of Denmark and I haven't been here

for about 15 years. Well, more like 20, actually.

Its most famous landmarks are the Tivoli Gardens.

This is them.

Hans Christian Andersen's house.

This is it. And the Little Mermaid.

There she is.

The Little Mermaid in Danish is Lille Havfrue.

You see, you're impressed now, aren't you?

So you should be.

Well, my husband were Danish so I had to say a few things

like Jeg elsker dig, which means I love you.

And that were it, really.

Tak, thank you.

Rodgrod med flode, which is a dessert.

Don't really know why I learned that.

But, em, that's a really difficult one. Can you say that?

Rodgrod med flode - it's very Flemish.

It's a hard language to learn, and I did learn it, about 17 years ago.

It took me a long time to learn and very easy to forget.

Very, very easy to forget.

Are you a fast learner, in general?

No.

It's typical Danish weather today.

With an average of 170 days of rain per year in Copenhagen,

chances are you'll cop for a wet one.

I've come prepared and thought it only fitting

to wear one of Denmark's most famous jumpers.

I bet they all think I'm from The Killing.

Got the right jumper on.

May I take a photo with you? Of course. Thank you.

Thank you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.

You movie star, or...?

Oh, yeah, big movie star.

Brilliant! I'm not.

Have a nice day.

You too. Bye-bye.

Bye. Thanks so much.

Wonderful!

I think she thought I was that Sofie Grabol from The Killing.

Which, of course, I'm not.

I don't need to be a detective to tell you

I've sniffed out another Danish icon.

A hot dog stand.

Come to Denmark, you have got to have one of their hot dogs

because they are the best ever.

Hi. Hi.

Could I have the bestseller?

The Fransk hotdog?

What's the difference?

The size. Oh, the size.

Of course. Sometimes size doesn't matter.

The small one.

A Danish hotdog is like no other.

Yes, it's just a sausage in a bun but it's got a remoulade sauce.

Sounds posh but it's just mayonnaise,

mustard and pickled cucumber.

I'm going to let you have a taste in a minute.

You can't have a taste because you can't get through

the telly, but you can have the taste and it's really, really nice.

Tusind tak. That's a sausage with a message.

That sausage is saying, eat me.

Mm!

Where are you from? Are you from Denmark?

Yes. So, are you getting married?

Of course you are.

This is fantastic!

THEY CHEER

Oh, well, good luck.

Bye. Farvel. Farvel!

Oh, bless 'em.

Oh, I hope she's as happy as we all thought we were going to be.

There's still time before our ship sails,

so I've been told I have to

ring a man about a visit to an unusual museum.

Hello. Ah, hello! How are you? Good, very good.

Are you going to come visit me?

Yes, I've been hearing great things about your place.

Can you tell me about your museum, Samuel?

There's a bunch of failed products you can look at and learn from.

Failed? Failed products, yes. OK. Is this interesting?

It's really interesting. It's only a short drive. OK.

And you'll see some more of beautiful Scandinavia on your way.

Give me a call when you get closer to the museum and I'll guide you.

Right. Sound good? I'm on my way.

Just stay where you are! OK.

Right. Let's get a car.

Yup. Yup.

Bye!

Hello!

Are you there?

It's not working. I've lost him.

I don't where I'm going.

Oh!

Oh. Oh.

SHE LAUGHS

ROBOTIC VOICE ON PHONE

That sounded like a Dalek.

Well, this is a different way of doing things.

I've no idea where we're meant to be going,

and we've been driving for ages!

Where the heck are we going?

Are you in a different country?

Yeah, I'm in Sweden. You didn't know that? You what?!

I'm in Sweden. Not in Denmark.

We're off to chuffin' Sweden. I didn't know that.

Well, this had better be worth seeing.

But thankfully we're finally here... Ah!

..I think.

Hi. Welcome! Oh, let me come out and greet you.

Oh, I've just broken your foot. Come on.

All right. Thank you.

OK. So, where do we go? So this is the Museum of Failure.

Failure? Yeah. OK. It's all these innovations that in some way failed.

OK. So, they haven't been a commercial success,

or they're dangerous, or somehow it's a failure. It's basically crap?

Come on, let's have a look. Right, let's have a look.

This is a pop-up book that I found of the Millennium Dome.

I put in the category building failures.

Oh, it certainly did fail as a building, yeah.

I haven't been there myself.

I need to go there, as the curator of the Museum of Failures.

That's not a bad idea, is it?

Yes, you should go, as the building is now a successful concert venue.

It's a snail hat. Would you like to try it?

It's a hat? Yeah.

Too much hair! Hang on a minute.

Come on. There you go. It doesn't look like a snail, does it?

No, it doesn't.

Beautiful! Beautiful.

What do you guys think? Is this a look?

It's a good job this isn't Catchphrase. Put it back down.

And there's more! Plastic bicycle, Swedish failure.

Yeah, it looks quite good.

But it's not what we're going to look at.

Samuel has been very successful

at collecting items that never really took off.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my goodness. Rejuvenique.

Do you know who this is?

Linda Evans! Yeah, yeah. Dynasty. Yeah.

If you buy this mask, use it for 15 minutes a day for three months...

Yeah, OK. ..you'll be as beautiful as she is - was.

Was? Was. I don't know if she's still alive.

So what do you do with it?

It vibrates? Oh, my God! That's got pins in it.

OK, so what it does is it gives your face...

You strap it onto your head and it gives your face electric shocks.

Right... You're joking. No, I'm not joking.

You're going to try it, yeah?

So you put that on.

This is... Just relax. Relax. OK?

Yeah. I'll control this.

OK. OK.

So, are you ready? Yeah.

OK. Is it going to hurt me? It's not... I don't...

I mean... I don't know.

OK.

Oh! Hey! Oh, my God.

No... Can you feel it?

Yeah. I can feel that, yeah. All right, let's turn it up a bit.

Buzz! SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my God! That's not right.

I can't see why this didn't take off! Really?

So lovely to meet you. You take care.

Good luck with it all. Thank you.

Coming up, I settle into my new surroundings...

Oh, wow.

Well, if this is what having money is all about, I want some!

Because this is just a different world.

I'm cruising around the Nordics

and we're about to board our ship.

Oh, wow! Look at this.

This is a lot bigger than I thought.

Oh, it's nice, isn't it? Look!

I don't know why, but I thought it was a lot smaller.

Shall we cross over?

And here she is.

My home for the next week.

If she were a movie star, she'd be Scarlett Johansson.

That's how gorgeous she is.

Look at that.

Do you know, every time you turn up to a cruise ship,

it takes your breath away.

You just get excited.

I've got that excited feeling again in my stomach

thinking I'm going to be on there for seven whole days.

Hi. What's your name?

Patrick.

You, Patrick, me, Jane.

HE TARZAN YELLS

SHE LAUGHS

It's going to be fun. Already, I've only just come up to the ship,

and there's people shouting at us. Isn't it wonderful? Come on.

She's got 900 passengers on board and I'm the last to join,

so now it's 901.

We're setting off to Copenhagen,

sailing through the land of the Vikings and across the Baltic

to Tallinn in Estonia. Next, into Russia and St Petersburg.

From there, back into the Baltic and Helsinki, capital of Finland,

and then off to Scandinavia and Stockholm.

Mamma mia, I'll need a lie down after all that.

Right.

Ah. Hello. Hello.

Welcome aboard. Thank you very much.

This is only Viking Sky's fifth cruise

and everything inside is box fresh and brand-new.

Oh, wow.

Have a look at this. Come here.

Look at these pictures and everything.

I don't think I've ever, ever seen a ship like this, ever.

This is what they call the Tree Of Life.

The Tree Of Life? Can I just hug a tree?

I need to hug the Tree Of Life! HE LAUGHS

Oh! Everything is set up.

Look at that! Actually, you are going to sit

in this chair like a princess or a queen.

Right! It's so comfortable.

Oh, that is really comfortable! Yes, it is.

Oh, wow. This is fab.

So, listen, has this just been put on for me?

Is this so quiet just because I'm...

No, ma'am. No?

This is every day we have on the ship.

And that's the reason why most of the guests really enjoy it,

because they want to enjoy and relax on their cruise.

That is the only difference we have from the other cruises.

Because they come here, they do their thing -

reading and just relaxing.

Sounds like there won't be

any karaoke nights on this cruise any time soon,

but that suits me fine - nice and relaxing.

This is the most exciting bit

because I'm going to see where my room is.

Come on, come in.

It's like a millionaire's house, isn't it?

This is what you see on the telly in Grand Designs and stuff like that.

Jane, welcome to your room. Thank you.

Oh, my goodness me!

It's bigger than my house.

Look at this. I've got a sofa.

Oh, my God! I've got a suite.

Oh, I've got an iPad for this.

Look at this. Day dim.

There's, like, big tellies everywhere.

I love a bathroom.

I've got a sauna.

SHE GASPS

Look at this!

You can sit there in the nuddy and nobody can see you.

Mind you, I'm in the owner's suite.

The owner's suite!

I hope he doesn't want to come on.

Oh, wow.

Well, if this is what having money is all about, I want some!

Because this is just a different world.

I've just found out the word Viking means to travel on water.

Well, these guys have nailed it and I'm Viking round the Baltic.

Lucky me.

Oh!

Oh!

Look! Oh, you will not see me for the rest of the cruise now.

I would like to say,

cheers, welcome aboard.

Oh, that didn't even touch the sides, did it!?

Well, I can't stay here all day living the dream.

It's time to explore.

I'm off.

Hi. Hello.

Oh, this is lovely.

It's not like a ship.

It's like a very posh hotel.

It's beautifully architected.

Is that a word? Architected?

It's been beautifully designed.

We'll use that.

Can you believe that I'm in the Baltics?

I think we must be doing something right because every time we go

on a ship, we get beautiful weather.

Oh, wow!

This is a bit fab, isn't it?

Hello! Welcome to my yacht.

Something I've noticed is everywhere you look, you can see the sea.

Don't laugh.

Some ships I've been on,

you need a telescope to get a glimpse of a wave anywhere.

Not this one.

Right, there's something I need to do.

Hi-ho! Oh!

What are you doing here? I've got no make-up on or anything.

Right, hang on a minute. I need to find the launderette.

Laundrette.

Yes, that's right. I did say launderette.

Hello.

It's what sea days are for.

Relaxing and washing your smalls.

So how do we use these, then?

Ah, well, the directions are not easy to follow.

OK. Oh, no! They are written by some engineer, not by a woman.

So, preparing laundry. Load laundry.

Close the door. Choose the programme.

Choose the temperature. Choose the spin speed.

Choose... Flipping Nora.

Dee, can you give me a lesson?

I could give you a wonderful lesson.

It's nice to just come down and be normal. And everybody's normal,

aren't they? Cos we all do our own washing.

Now, I was on a world cruise.

There was a woman and she used to put out of order on a dryer.

Yeah!

So this lady always had a washer and always had a dryer

because she used to just come in and...

I know where the out of order sign is.

Do you? But I'm not telling you.

THEY LAUGH

It can get actually quite heated when you can't get a washer

and somebody comes in and just whips it, which happens quite a lot.

Et voila.

Oh, my God!

Well, you all know the secret now.

Right, Dee. Oh, she's put some more in.

Right, I need the out of order sign.

Get the sign up. Need to get the sign.

I need to do what that lady did and get that sign out.

I've missed my slot. I'm so sorry.

Up here, we're 1,000 miles north-east of Wakefield

and let me tell you, the sunsets alone are worth the trip.

I mean, this isn't even one of the special ones, but look at that.

And if that's not enough,

the launderette's empty and I can dry me smalls.

Magic.

We've crossed the Baltic on our way to Tallinn, capital of Estonia.

It sounds like my kind of place.

It's hosted Eurovision and at its heart is a fairy tale medieval town.

What's not to love?

This is a destination cruise where you go to all these amazing places

where it's all laid on for you,

which is really good because that's all-inclusive in the price.

So you can have a look

and pick something that you really think,

oh, I wouldn't mind doing that.

Instead of taking a chance where you're paying for it,

you would take a chance when you're not.

Is that just me being tight?

But it's probably true of most people

because we don't like wasting money, do we?

SHE HUMS A TUNE Hi!

Excuse me, is this where I book an excursion?

It is, yes. What can we help you with?

Erm, I've got... I fancy doing something like a walk

or a bike ride or something.

We've got lots of options. If you take a seat,

we can go through more details. Yeah. Can we do that? Course we can!

I want to see the real... You know,

I don't want to go on a high street and see McDonald's and Zara.

Tomorrow, we're going to be in Estonia,

we're going to be in Tallinn. Uh-huh.

And it's really a medieval town that you're going to go and see,

with steep spires and little cobbled streets,

with a wonderful little square. Uh-huh.

You can really get the real, true feeling. You can have

honey beer and some wonderful cuisine as well. I'm sold.

I'm going on that one. Where are you from, by the way?

I'm from Dewsbury. Dewsbury, Yorkshire? Yes.

BRASS BAND PLAYS You are joking me!?

Just right in the town centre, near the train station.

You're from Dewsbury in Yorkshire? Yes, I am.

I'm, like, seven miles down the road, in Wakefield.

Yeah, my mum and dad's is in Ossett, so just between them.

Oh, my God. Ossett there, bus it back!

My auntie lives in Ossett. Really?

Yeah. We're probably related, you know. Possibly, yes.

So, how long have you been on here?

Just over a year now.

It's gone very quick. Yeah.

Slightly different from Dewsbury, do you think?

A tad, yes. A little bit different than Dewsbury, yes!

Thank you. No, thanks a lot.

It's lovely to meet you, and I've had a right reminisce. Yes!

We'll be going...

SHE HUMS THE HOVIS ADVERT THEME ..underneath.

What a small world!

You never know who you're going to meet

in the middle of the Baltic Sea.

We've arrived in Tallinn, a very popular tourist stop in Estonia.

Just over 430,000 people live here,

but every year they can expect to receive over 4 million visitors.

Wow, looks like they're all here now, if I'm honest.

Hello. Yeah. We were just going to go off and have a wander.

Of course. Do you recommend anywhere that we should see?

Yes, of course. The view platform, I think it's a must,

because there you can see the whole view of the town.

And that's up there, is it?

That way and then right? Yeah.

What a beautiful day.

I'm in Estonia,

I've ditched the crew.

It's just me and you.

So, I've been told to...

come up here and see this...

amazing view.

Get ready to be amazed.

Is that it?

I mean,

no disrespect but...

..looks like Wakefield.

Do you think that's pretty?

Yes. I live here.

It's a nice view.

It's an old part of town from the first Estonian Republic.

It's not doing it for me. I'd like a better view than that.

OK. Is that all right?

Let's go to old part of town.

Old part? Oh, are you coming with me?

Yeah. What's your name?

Sergei. Sergei?

Yeah. I'm Jane, very pleased to meet you.

I'm now going down the ginnel

with a strange man I've just picked up in Estonia.

PHONE RINGS

SHE CHUCKLES

Sergei?

Oh, now he's on his phone, but this looks more like it.

It's lovely. Feels like I'm in Beauty And The Beast.

Hang on a minute. I recognise him.

Are you Patrick?

HE TARZAN YELLS

SHE LAUGHS Hello.

I couldn't resist you when you said, "I'm Jane!"

Oh, that is so good!

How are you? I'm great.

Nice to meet you in the flesh, finally.

Have a great day. Lovely to meet you.

Bye, Jane. Bye!

I've found me Patrick.

Such a sweet man.

Tallinn certainly caters for all the tourists that come every year...

..and you're never far from a food stall if you fancy a nibble.

The old walled town is a UNESCO heritage site...

..with a photo opportunity around every corner.

Coming up, we arrive in St Petersburg in Russia,

where I get to meet some of its distinguished furry residents.

How do you say, "Here, pussy, pussy?"

Ks-ks-ks-ks. Ks-ks-ks?

That's in Russian, is it?

It's Russian for calling a cat. Yes.

"Ks-ks-ks."

Aw, look at you!

I'm cruising round the Nordics,

and all this sea air is making me peckish.

I know just what I want, and I know where to get it.

So this is the highlight of most cruises.

It's called afternoon tea.

Hi. Hi! Hello. How are you? Come and sit with us.

Can I. Yes, please. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I'll be on my way. OK. Right, I'm on my way.

See? A stranger's a friend you just haven't met yet.

Hi, Jane. Lovely to see you. Good to see you.

Mwah! Mwah!

This is Terri and Stuart. Hi, Terry. Really nice to meet you. Stuart.

And it's full, apparently.

The ship is full, but there's never anybody about.

There's no lines except for at the gelato bar. Oh, the gelato bar!

That's about six deep. I'd better not go anywhere near that.

I think they're going to have to get a hoist or a crane to get me off.

Terri might have to dash off due to the fact

that she's waiting for a machine in the laundry.

And we were just talking about that yesterday, and she says,

"I will have to leave afternoon tea..." Yeah, I have my...

"..to get the laundry!" It's on a timer.

It's all... You put it on a timer. Yeah.

And then you've got to go get it, or it may be gone!

This was fun. I'll see you. Thank you.

Thank you, enjoy your tea. Thank you very much.

It's full steam ahead as we leave Estonia,

and sail to St Petersburg for two days, and Russia with love.

I'm in Russia!

I'm very excited, cos I've never been here.

It's something... Look, I nearly walked through the window then!

It's quite cold. It's quite nippy.

But the Russians are made of hard stuff.

I bet she hasn't got a vest on or anything!

I'm supposed to know something about it, but as usual I've known nothing.

So I've looked it up and it says the Hermitage is huge.

It has 1,057 rooms, 117 staircases...

CYCLIST SHOUTS Morning.

SKATER YELLS Ey-up!

I just want to go and punch their lights out!

SHE LAUGHS

And they say, to get around all the exhibits in the Hermitage,

you will need to spend 11 years of your life and walk 22km.

Well, I can't stay that long - the ship goes tomorrow!

But I have got enough time to meet a lady that works here at the palace.

Maria's the PR lady for the cats that live here. Who knew?

Maria? Yes. Hi, I'm Jane. Jane, glad to see you.

I'm sorry, the time is not the best

because we have just a few cats in the yard,

but we will try to find for you.

OK. There's no cats! No, just a few! Well...

There's only a few cats.

Has she got a name? Sometimes.

Sometimes? Yes.

So she's got a name? The name - Kleopa. Kleopa?

Kleopa, da. From Cleopatra. Ah.

Kleopa! Ks-ks-ks!

Kleopa! No, I'm sorry. No, we will try a little bit more inside.

She's like, "I ain't speaking to you. You don't speak my language."

Oh, there's another one. JANE CLICKS HER TONGUE

Downstairs, there is, so-called, the cats' house.

And you will see the long, long corridor coming in the mansion.

So we'll start our walk from that corridor. Good.

SHE MOUTHS: I've got no idea.

I've just been told that in every metal door there's a cat flap,

and this sign says, "It's cold,

"can you please close the door to keep everybody warm, and cats!"

I might have just made a few words up there,

but that's basically what that poster says.

But I love the fact there's a cat flap in every single door.

It must be freezing!

Right, in we go.

Cats have lived at the Hermitage since 1745,

when Empress Elizabeth decreed that they live in the cellars.

They protected the artworks from mice and rats.

The paintings are long gone, but the cats are still here.

So how many cats are there down here?

About 50 cats, because their territory is huge.

But cats prefer to live in the palace

with small prides and families.

And this territory, it's enough for 50 or maybe...

Between 50 and 70 cats. No more. No more?

Of course, it doesn't look very attractive, but...

Well, no, it's the cats' bed, isn't it?

I mean, to be quite honest, Maria... Yeah? ..my bed looks similar.

"Be careful. Danger, cats!"

Are they dangerous, cats?

No, it's for the drivers. Mm.

And this is our private and modest cats' house.

Upstairs and outside, it's all glitzy and gold.

Down here, where the pussy posse hang out,

things are a bit more down-home.

How do you say, "Here, pussy pussy?"

Ks-ks-ks. "Ks-ks-ks"? That's in Russian, is it?

It's K and S. It's Russian for calling a cat - ks-ks-ks. Yes.

Aw, look at you!

I have got a connection with cats, because I was in Cats in Blackpool,

and I'm sure there's an old Griz down here somewhere.

There'll be a Grizabella somewhere.

Look at this one, such a flirt!

You're such a flirt, you are.

Look, yeah.

That's Rum Tum Tugger, without a doubt.

Sometimes this looks like something between a house

for the homeless children and a house for old people. Yes.

And...

Oh!

..you see? The dark basement... Oh, my goodness me.

Look at that. To this. Yeah. Wow!

It's like Nadia!

You just come out of the wardrobe into something like this.

It's like a different country.

CAMERA MAN: I reckon it's a bit like NARNIA. I meant that!

It's like Narnia.

You come out of something which is really dim and dark and...

And then - whoof! - Opulence.

Wow. Look at that.

So lovely. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, lovely to meet you. yes. Hope to see you soon. I hope so.

Bye. Bye.

Everything here is monumental.

The scale is just... well, off the scale.

There's gold everywhere on the buildings,

but the most in-your-face thing I've seen is this,

the Church of the Spilled Blood.

It's like a cross between a church and a cake.

It's unbelievable. Look at that.

I would never have come to Russia in a million years,

because of my perception of it.

And I would have missed this unbelievable beauty.

And I've got to age now where I don't want to sit at a pool

and drink a pina colada every day.

I want to get out and see a bit of the world.

That's just what I think personally, anyway. I could be wrong.

You might still want to sit and have a pina colada at a pool!

I don't blame you.

Actually, I want to do that as well.

I love the fact that you can just have a vehicle and have a shop.

A meat shop. Nice!

I live in little bubble, in my own little world...

..where everything...

I just surround myself with what I want to surround myself with.

And I never sort of venture out.

So this is...is good for me.

Although I think I'm going on holiday,

I'm learning about cultures, languages,

you know, all different walks of life.

And I think that's a wonderful thing,

and I can't believe it's taken me till I'm in my 50s to do that.

Ha! That's amazing.

I love the fact that this lady's been to MGM Grand in Las Vegas.

SHE CHUCKLES

You see, that's how I see Russia.

That's my perception of Russia.

A box with a bit of thing on it, selling two pairs of trousers.

That's it.

Certainly was my perception of Russia.

It isn't now.

Ooh, I feel quite at home wondering round.

So much so I'm going to tackle the lingo

with the help of the latest technology.

I've... I've got this new-fangled phone which is absolutely brilliant,

and I've got a translator from Russian into English.

You see, you don't even need to have...

..have anybody to interpret any more,

so I'm just going to see what type of...

"A goldfish"?

A gol...? No, I can't have that.

It says "damn".

"Sweet damn with condensed milk."

SHE CHUCKLES

So I'm going to do that one. I'm going to go for the first one.

Excuse me, how do I say this?

Sgushchennym.

Sorry?

Sgushchennym. "Sgush-shon-nem"?

Sgushchennym. "Scoosh-onnem".

Sgushchennoye is condensed milk. OK.

Sg... Sgushchennym.

Sgushchennym. Sgushchennym.

Sgushchennym?

OK, so having a friendly Russian interpreter close by

does help as well.

Yes. How do I say yes? Da.

Da. Da.

Right, I'm hungry. I'm hungry now.

I am hungry. Mind you, condensed milk, what was I thinking?

Condensed milk pancake is a first for me.

I think I liked just saying Gooshenoy moloko.

I don't know what it's going to taste like.

Mm. Oh, that is lovely.

That is dancing across my tongue.

Oh, that's lovely.

Time to head back to the ship, and I think the crew must have

caught wind of the fact that I like a bit of a boogie.

What a welcome.

CHEERING

UP TEMPO JAZZ

Not just for me, though.

Everyone gets this kind of welcome.

Well, after all that excitement, it's time to get my head down

and dream of new adventures in St Petersburg tomorrow.

KNOCK AT DOOR

What's all the racket?

Good morning. How are we?

How are you?

Oh, I'm just in heaven!

We're still in St Petersburg and there's a lot to do

but I'm not budging until I've had my breakfast.

How do you think your diet is going to go on the ship? My diet?

It's gone through the roof, hasn't it?

You can diet all year but when you come on a cruise, chill out, man.

Special occasions like cruising, Christmas, birthdays,

Easter, any holiday, really.

Life is too short to be for ever on a diet.

I'm having a waffle.

Thank you so very much. How beautifully served is that?

It's like a piece of art.

I don't even want to eat it. I am lying.

I really want to eat it!

So, how do you normally have waffles?

Do you have them a lot thicker? Yes. These are nice and thin.

I like them because they're thin. Yeah. Half the guilt.

Half the guilt! THEY LAUGH

Yesterday I followed the tourist trail

but today I'm exploring a different sort of St Petersburg,

the one the St Petersburgers know,

and first off, I'm going underground.

Oh, blimey. This is a bit posh for a tube.

Looks like Caesar's Palace.

What do I do, get a ticket?

Insert your card? No?

Ah, that's a bank. I think that's a cash machine.

Yeah, it is!

In Soviet Russia even the metro was used as propaganda.

Yes, it was mass transport for the masses,

but why shouldn't stations be like the palaces above ground?

Here, there are wide, sweeping staircases,

marble and grandeur everywhere.

It looks like John Lewis's!

I can't believe this is the tube.

I mean, look at this,

there are more chandeliers than in Liberace's living room,

and that's saying something.

You've got crystal columns at the tube station.

Only in Russia!

Every day more than 2.5 million St Petersburgers use the metro

and all journeys cost less than 65p.

The stations may be different

but travelling underground is much the same as anywhere else.

People don't talk much on the tube in England either.

Wooooo!

Even the escalator's the poshest I've ever seen.

Coming up, Hello Dolly...

They are more Russian than caviar

and easier to keep on the mantelpiece,

especially when they look like this!

Aww. These are fabulous.

Look, I've got my own Russian doll!

JANE LAUGHS

I'm on a cruise round the Baltic Sea

and we're on the second day of our stopover in St Petersburg, Russia.

Now, when I think of Russia I tend to think of bears...

Dancing Cossacks...

..and, of course, Russian dolls.

Now, I've never been a fan of dolls, not even as a child,

but I've been convinced that this dolls house is worth a visit.

Woohoo! Look at this!

Oh, my goodness me.

I want to show you the biggest Matryoshka what we have.

What is the story behind a Russian doll?

Why are they so popular?

Because of the symbol of family.

You can see the inside, 30 pieces inside.

30?! 30, yeah. Whoa, that's a big family.

You can see that there are only the woman's faces. Yeah...

The madre, the most... ..important.

Important in the family.

Is that what you think in Russia, that women are the most important?

Yes. I like that.

How much is that?

So, this is, er...

400,000 roubles.

400,000 roubles?!

How much is that in pounds?

5,600.

5628 quid for a doll?! Yeah.

Well, 30 of them.

These dolls are all hand painted

and each tells a different story.

High-end matrushkas are prized by collectors,

including sentimental oligarchs,

who have been known to commission dolls studded with jewels

that cost millions of dollars,

so these are really a bit of a bargain.

You can see why they're worth such a lot of money.

It's still a lot of money for a doll.

So, on the inside...

Oh! DOLL SMASHES

Eeeek! That was not me. That was not me.

It's me, it's me, it's me. JANE LAUGHS

I'm honestly not sure about these dolls.

I love a knick-knack like anyone else but these are halfway between

knick-knack and art and you know me and art.

Well, for me this has been an education because I had no idea that

the dolls had a real meaning about family and the mother,

being such an important part,

so I've learned a lot today about Matroyshka.

And that's the thing, it's about family,

and she's the boss of it all, so, yeah,

I can see the meaning behind it now

and it's a very important message.

Celebrity dolls, now you're talking.

Wow, presidents.

Oh!

That looks like me!

That actually looks like me.

Anthony, could you let me have a look at this one?

That's definitely me.

Oh, my God, all of a sudden I really like these!

Oh! Oh, these are fabulous.

Look, I've got my own Russian doll.

Matrushka. Matrushka McDonald!

So, how on Earth did this happen?

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

Did you know?

It's you! It's me!

This is wonderful.

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

I'm surprised. I'm surprised, yeah.

It's really nice. My hair was a lot lighter.

Obviously, I'm much younger.

You're beautiful and natural than matrushkas.

Did you hear that?

You got that on camera that he says I'm much more beautiful

in the flesh?

It's all I'm going to say.

I think I need a hug. Anthony, thank you so much.

Oh, I love my job.

I know when to quit,

and nothing's going to top my Matrushka moment

so I think it's time to say, "Proshay St Petersburg,"

that's Russian for arrivederci.

Viewers of a nervous disposition look away now.

Actually, that's not a look for camera, is it?

That's not a look for the viewers to see me in.

They're used to seeing me looking glamorous.

Look, these need to be in

because these lovely rollers heat up in this.

It's like a microwave for rollers,

and they're absolutely brilliant but they burn my lugs,

so I've got to put these in.

It's a look, isn't it?

This is all my secrets going now.

My heated rollers...

Mind you, they must know it's not natural.

It's not natural here.

No.

This room's a mess.

I've been invited to Sandra and Robert's

for a glass of champagne but there's only two champagne glasses

in their cabin, so you've got to bring your own glass.

Are you sure? Yes, it's fine. Thank you so much. Nice to see you.

You're very welcome.

I love this room. Welcome to our cabin. It's gorgeous, isn't it?

It is. Oh, it's so tidy.

Good, ready to go.

Do you know them? Yes.

Can I just go for the lobster, please?

ALL: Cheers!

From St Petersburg,

it is a quick sail to Helsinki, capital of Finland.

I have no idea what to expect, but bring it on.

Helsinki is the largest city in Finland

and is made up of small islands and green urban areas.

It's easy to get around, with a great public transport system,

but you know me - I love to explore by foot.

Hey. Where you going?

I'm going to Helsinki. I'm in Finland.

I'm going to Helsinki, in the town centre!

Sun's shining again. Fantastic.

Disrobed. I haven't got my vest on today, so that's a big plus for me.

Why are you so excited about going through this adventure?

Because I'm going for an adventure!

Don't forget an adventure is just an experience you haven't had yet.

Oh, yes!

A cruise is like being on a magic carpet ride,

because you get on board, you unpack,

and then you think, "I want to be in Copenhagen."

Whoosh! It takes you there, and then you think,

"I want to be in St Petersburg," and it goes, "Whoosh!"

And you're there.

And then you want to be in Helsinki, and it's, "Whoosh!"

and you're there.

How fab is that? We're on a magic carpet ride.

What's that?

It's a man on a bike pushing a shop.

That's one thing I've seen on this trip.

There's a lot of people who drive to work,

and then on whatever they've driven to work, there's a shop!

So there's a lot of cars with... You know, that have shops.

This is obviously a coffee shop on a bike.

It's nice, isn't it?

Saves rent, rates.

Hi.

Been weird, because every single weather forecast

that we've had this week has forecast rain and snow

and all things really bad weather,

and we only had one rainy day, didn't we?

When we arrived.

HORN BEEPS Ooh!

God, that...

That were a bit spooky, that, actually.

I must admit, there's some beautiful people over here.

Really stunning looking people.

And I'd love to just sit and people watch all day.

I love just sitting down in a cafe and watching the world go by.

Well, I love sitting and having a coffee,

and every coffee tastes different in every place,

and this one is lovely.

I don't like it too strong, because I can't blink for ten minutes

when I've had a strong coffee.

But this one is really nice. One shot. Nice.

And you can watch the world go by.

And I think a lot of people tend to do too much.

You know, you can have as much enjoyment just sat watching the day.

Coming up, I discover that Finnish design is not all that it seems.

The original paintings are done by a Finnish bear. A real live bear?

A real live bear.

Morning.

I'm cruising the Baltics,

and today we're in Helsinki, the capital of Finland.

There's lots of things to see here,

including the Kamppi Chapel of Silence,

a peaceful sanctuary in the heart of the city.

Take a ferry to Suomenlinna,

a little island where you can visit an 18th-century fortress.

Or you could get stuck in to some Baltic herring.

It is very popular here on top of some rye bread.

Plus, Finland has a great reputation in the design world.

Anyone or anything can become a design icon here.

Jutta creates her own designs from photographs

and sells them here in her shop.

Hello, can I come in? Hello! Yeah, surely. Thank you.

Hello, I'm Jane, by the way. Hi, I'm Jutta. Welcome.

Jutta. Jutta, yes. Jutta. I love this.

I've noticed that Helsinki is all designer.

It's got lots of little boutique places, like yourself.

Why do you think that is?

I think that we inhale the design when we're young,

because our houses,

no matter if it's a little bit not so well-off family,

we have design items at home.

Glassware and things like that.

So you're very good at DIY.

Do it yourself. Yes. Yeah? Yes. Yes, we are.

And there's a lot of handicraft shops around and so on, so it's...

In-built. It's in-built, yes. Do you learn it at school?

I don't know what it's called in English. The, like, building.

Architecture, woodwork... Woodwork. Woodwork, yes.

Yes, so we change, like...

We'll do both males and females.

At least they did a long time ago when I was in school.

I have no idea what they do now. You don't look old enough.

So show me around. And this is all your photographs?

This is all my photographs. I do the design myself.

This is actually taken from my shop door. Really? Yes.

Here is something really, really new. Yeah. This is...

The original paintings are done by a Finnish bear called Juuso.

A real bear? A living... Real, living bear.

Not like Bear Grylls. More like Yogi Bear.

This is a real, living bear. A real live bear? A real live bear.

How does he paint? He doesn't have a brush. He uses his paws.

You can see... That's a paw. Claws. Claws, yeah. And hair.

But I haven't yet gotten to meet Juuso,

but I will definitely go and meet Juuso this summer,

and I've heard that I'm going to be...

Because I really want to kiss Juuso,

and I wanted to get a picture of me and Juuso kissing,

so that's going to be really cool.

He might bite your head off.

Have you not seen that film with Brad Pitt? Which one?

The one where he gets mauled by a bear.

ASIDE: Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo DiCaprio. I meant him.

Have you not seen the film with Leonardo DiCaprio?

No. Where it's got a bear. I don't think so. No?

I wouldn't watch it just before you go, all right?

I admire you so much for kissing a bear.

But then again, you're selling his art, so why not?

I'm sure they'll both grin and bear it.

Oh, I do like that. That's shadows of twigs.

LOUD CLATTERING Whoops! That's all right.

Thank you.

I can't believe I've just spent 300 quid on cushion covers.

But they are beautiful, and worth every penny.

Ed, they are worth every penny.

Don't worry.

This place is flipping fantastic.

You see, for two pins today,

I would have just stayed on the ship cos it's that beautiful,

put my feet up, had a couple of cakes,

cup of tea and just chilled out.

But look what I would have missed!

Just look at all this.

Everywhere you look, once again, is a postcard.

It's gorgeous.

JANE SINGS ROCKY THEME TUNE

SHE LAUGHS

I need to walk around.

I need to walk round the ship.

I am running like a du... SHE LAUGHS

Well, the crew didn't seem to get the memo

that this is a lazy, relaxing cruise,

so that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Mrs McDonald. Yeah... Ooh. Yes?

Whenever you're ready. Ooh.

Ooh, that were a bit authoritative, weren't it?

Right, I'm going in. Woo!

So you ready for a massage? I am, I am. Very good.

So what's the difference between a Swedish one and a normal one?

Well, a Swedish massage, we use the different techniques.

So we have the effleurage, petrissage, and frictions.

We're going to go this way. This is my treatment room. OK.

Welcome. You can go straight ahead. Oh, this is nice.

Take one Jane McDonald

and leave in capable hands of Nordic masseur for one hour.

Mrs McDonald, how do you feel?

A bit drained. Yeah? Thank you very much.

Aw, I hope you liked it. I did. Every bit.

Very good, very good. Thank you. See you later.

See you around, all right? See you around.

And then do not disturb for the rest of the day.

Thank you and goodnight.

Coming up, I talk to a tree, so...

SHE SNEEZES Excuse me.

That'll teach me to go around sniffing trees.

And I fulfil a lifetime ambition and join a supergroup!

Ho-ho! Oh, my God. I'm going to be the fifth member of ABBA. Woo!

CHEERING

I'm in the Baltic on the Viking Sky.

A week of cruising luxury is coming to an end,

and I wish it could go on forever.

Do you know, I love this part of the world.

And that seagull's been with us all that time.

There are more than 30,000 islands in the Swedish archipelago,

and we're sailing pass loads of them

as we head into Stockholm,

our final destination.

Hello!

SHIP BLOWS HORN

It's going to take us an hour to get there,

which means just enough time for an outing with the camera on my stick.

I've been on this ship now for quite a few days.

I still get lost.

Something you will always do.

Listen, tip as well -

always find out where your loos are...

..because you never know.

I can hear a bird.

BIRDS CHIRP

Ah.

I like the birds going in the background. That's nice, isn't it?

Suppose it feels like you're doing your ablutions in the woods.

Like the bears do.

Look at this tree.

My God, it smells like Christmas.

That's got to be a fake.

Do they come and spray it everyday?

Or is it real?

It's probably real.

See, we live in such a fake world, don't we?

We think everything's fake.

SHE SNEEZES

Excuse me. That'll teach me to go around sniffing trees.

Everywhere you look, there's amazing pieces of art.

See, to me, that just looks like a very young Susan Boyle.

It does look like Susan Boyle, doesn't it?

Well, you've had another tour of the ship.

It's fabulous!

TANNOY: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

We hope you enjoyed this beautiful sailing as we made our way

through the spectacular archipelago this morning.

We are currently repositioning the ship

to dock alongside Stadsgarden Pier.

Ta-ra! Welcome to Sweden. Thank you.

Aw, look at this day!

We've arrived in Stockholm,

and it's easy to see why this has been nicknamed

the Venice of the North.

There's water everywhere.

Stockholm may be the capital of Sweden

and one of the most beautiful cities in the Baltic,

but, for me, there's only one thing to do today.

No, it's not a trip to IKEA to eat meatballs.

I'm going to pay homage to Sweden's greatest ever export.

Something that quite literally changed my life.

And, no, not a Volvo.

We are at the ABBA museum. Yes!

SHE GIGGLES

Look at this!

ABBA! ABBA!

ABBA!

That's such a great logo.

I didn't think I would be this excited,

but I'm really excited, Ingmarie. You are, for real! I am.

This is a little exhibition about the Eurovision Song Contest.

1974, Waterloo. Those outfits. So this is the original outfit.

Oh, my goodness me.

I can't believe I'm looking at the very outfits

that I watched them win in.

Ingmarie is the director of the ABBA museum,

but started working with the band in the 1970s -

hair, make-up and wardrobe.

This is me. Oh, look at you!

On the tour in '79 doing the washing... Aw, love.

..between the truck and the post.

I think it's great that you made it work.

You've made it work. That's all you need to do.

And you'd think a band as famous as ABBA would be happy on tour.

To be really honest, they didn't like touring that much.

Frida loved to be onstage, yes.

She was quite shy in front of people offstage.

I know that Benny wasn't keen on touring,

because he was such a perfectionist when it comes to music,

so if something sounds like this on a record, it has to sound like that.

Who was the funniest out of them?

Mm, I would say Bjorn. Mm!

Comes as a surprise, because he's not the funny guy

when it comes to interviews and stuff like that,

but he's extremely funny off-cam or offstage.

Frida was very funny as well. She and her crazy laugh.

Sounds like a mule.

That on a tour bus can be really annoying.

You know what I mean? Can't it?

Oh, look, look, look. It's the bench. The very bench.

Is that really the very bench that they sat on?

No, it's not. Oh, it's not, no. But it looks like it!

You're supposed to sit there in between Agnetha and Frida.

OK, can I sit?

That is amazing, thank you.

Oh, wow. What a great thing to do.

Look at that.

You ready for the stage now?

I can do it? You can be the fifth member.

SHE SHRIEKS

Oh, my God, I'm going to be the fifth member of ABBA!

Absolutely elated. Puffed out.

Taken back nostalgically.

When you hear all those amazing songs, see how it was all made.

You could practically touch it.

You actually feel as if ABBA are here. It's bizarre.

Whoa, look at that suit.

Fabulous. What a great time I've had here. Thank you.

Well, not many people can say that they've sang on stage with ABBA.

I'll treasure that memory forever.

DISTANT: Oh, it's the best ever!

MUSIC: The Winner Takes It All by ABBA

I've loved every destination on this cruise.

Never would have been something I would have picked

in a million years.

I've been so shocked at how lovely it is,

and how really I haven't explored

this wonderful world that we live in.

I would definitely come back.

Without a doubt.

# I don't want to talk

# About things we've gone through

# Though it's hurting me

# Now it's history

# I've played all my cards

# And that's what you've done, too

# Nothing more to say

# No more ace to play

# The winner takes it all

# The loser standing small

# Beside the victory

# That's her destiny

# But tell me, does she kiss

# Like I used to kiss you?

# Does it feel the same

# When she calls your name?

# Somewhere deep inside

# You must know I miss you

# But what can I say?

# Rules must be obeyed

# The judges will decide

# The likes of me abide

# Spectators of the show

# Always staying low

# The game is on again

# A lover or a friend?

# A big thing or a small?

# The winner takes it all! #

What?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media