Original subtitles

G'day, I'm Jane McDonald, and strewth I'm down under.

From big cities to the blazing outback,

from skyscrapers to waterfalls

and stunning beaches,

where do I begin?

Australia is massive.

23 hours it's taken me to get here from the UK,

so you can bet I'm going to explore as much of it as I possibly can.

It's not Blackpool, this, is it?

In this series, there'll be no mountain high enough

and no water deep enough.

This is fabulous!

And, as it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience,

I'll be doing it in a once-in-a-lifetime way.

Then do all the West Coast on a cruise,

but I'm also going to do the East Coast.

So this bit I'm going to be doing backpacking.

OK, that might be pushing it,

but I WILL be taking ships, trains...

Oh, things are looking up.

..planes...

..as we all discover what this great country has to offer.

SHE CHUCKLES

So grab your thongs - that's flip-flops to you and me -

put on your budgie smugglers. We're going on an adventure.

Come on.

This time, surf's up,

as I take to the seas,

and skies, of Australia's unforgettable Gold Coast.

When he got older, I thought, well, he can do what he wants, really.

I'll be hanging out with the hippies in Nimbin...

Can you sort my chakras? Yeah, I think I can give it a go.

..and hitting the waves in Manly Beach.

Shipwrecked!

And that's even before I've boarded this little beauty.

I love this bit. Yeah!

I'm meeting some kindred spirits...

Come here, I want to hug you all.

I just love you. I think you're all amazing.

..going underground in Fremantle...

SHE GASPS Oh, my God, that's a long way down.

That's a long way down.

..and making sure we all have a blast.

Oh! SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, my God.

That certainly made me jump.

OK, I've got two weeks to explore the east of

the land down under before I board my ship over in the west.

And where better to start than the fabulous Gold Coast?

Get ready to sample the delights of Brisbane.

Known to the locals as Brissy, Australia's third largest city

is packed with fantastic things to see and do.

World-class galleries, museums,

and beautiful botanical gardens all line the city's incredible river.

It's also home to the world's first and largest koala sanctuary.

Oh, aren't they gorgeous?

I've booked myself a trip to see a few of these little fellas close-up.

Who says I don't dress for the occasion?

Hello. Hi, Jane, I'm Kayla. Hello, Kayla.

Welcome to Lone Pine. Thank you.

We are going to do a Keeper For A Day experience

with you today. Fantastic. So, it's a real immersive,

hands-on experience. You get to find out what it's like to be

a zoo keeper for the day.

We've got lots of fun things planned. Are you ready to go?

Oh, yeah. All right, well, I'll let you wear this... Oh, thank you.

..just to let everyone know you are doing that experience.

Keeper For A Day. Keeper For A Day.

Brilliant. Ready to go? Yes, thank you. Let's go.

Lone Pine opened its doors in 1927,

providing refuge for poorly, injured or orphaned koalas.

Since then, the number of residents has grown,

along with the amount of visitors.

This experience does cost a bit more than a standard ticket,

but it allows you to get as near to the koalas as you possibly can.

Apparently, there's 130 of them living here now.

Now, obviously, one of the big things about maintaining

a population of koalas of that size, there's a lot of cleaning involved.

So, one of the things that we're going to get you to do today,

that's right, is to help us clean a koala exhibit.

Great. Are you ready? I'm going to be cleaning. You are.

Fabulous. Where's my Marigolds?

Other rubber products are available.

So here we are. Yeah. This is where actually our oldest

male koala lives. Oh. His name is Buckley. Buckley the oldest?

Buckley, yes. Oh, bless him. How old is he?

He's 12 years old.

Right. After you. OK.

He's just curled up here having a snooze. Oh, bless him.

We are going to take our scrubber brush. OK.

You want to just give it a good scrub.

The main thing here is to make sure you're coating the pole

with the disinfectant.

So it's very clean here, isn't it?

We try to keep it that way, yes, definitely.

I reckon this looks great. In fact, I think we're just about done.

Great.

Koalas do have a bit of a smell to them.

The male koalas in particular are a bit smellier.

Do you want to go...? It's a bit like males in general,

really, isn't it? A little bit, yeah. Yeah.

Would you like to have a sniff? Yeah, shall we have a go

and sniff Buckley? Yeah, maybe just a little sniff.

Come on over. Let's go and sniff a bear. Yeah.

Not top of my bucket list, I'll admit, but I'm here now.

Oh, yeah, that's quite strong, isn't it? It is.

It's a very...weird smell. Unique. It is. It's hard to explain.

It's a bit musky, it's kind of eucalyptus-y. Yeah.

But it's definitely distinct.

"Go to Australia, Jane," they said.

"Clean poo. Fill your nostrils."

So, here's what I'm going to get you to do. OK.

Can you stand on these footprints right here? Yeah.

And when the koala comes out, you are basically going to

channel your inner tree. You're going to be a tree for the koala...

OK. ..and put one hand on top of the other

and just stay nice and still.

So, here he comes. All right.

This is Jarvis. He is a five-year-old male koala.

And there you go.

Oh, he's grooming himself a little bit there. Mm-hm.

Never done this before. Can you tell?

What do you think? How does he feel?

Heavy. He is heavy, right? Yep.

And you might also be able to feel under your hands

that his bottom is quite hard. Yeah.

So they have a bony plate under the bum. That's true.

Got a bony bum. That helps them to sit up in the trees.

So they've got, like, built-in little seats there on their bums.

Jarvis is a very sweet boy.

He is, isn't he? Yeah.

He's munching away. He's munching away.

All right. You've done very well.

I reckon we'll take Jarvis back.

Say goodbye to Jarvis. Oh, yeah. Thank you very much.

Thank you. I can breathe again.

That was one of the most nerve-racking things I've ever done.

You did a wonderful job. Bless you. All right, let's go.

Although this was originally a sanctuary for koalas only,

it's now a refuge to more than 100 species of Australian wildlife...

These barking owls can catch things like possums.

..including some lovely hooters.

CROWD: Whoa.

We have just been joined at the back there by little Milo,

and Milo is a beautiful little barn owl.

And she is going to use a volunteer in our audience.

So, Jane, who is our keeper-for-a-day person today,

if you would like to hop on here. Right.

And you are going to be meeting Milo.

Thank you.

I'll get you to stand right here. OK.

We're going to get you to use a glove just like we do, don't worry.

That's good. On your left hand. Thank you.

All right, so out like this and Milo

is going to go from this little log over here,

hopefully see this little mouse,

and have her little mouse there.

What a good girl.

And then she's going to take herself all the way home

back into her little nest box.

That's good. There she goes, what a good girl.

Yeah. Thank you very much. How about a round of applause for our volunteer?

Thank you. Nice work.

Every animal here receives loads of love and care

from the zookeepers.

And that has a positive effect on them all,

even on the dingoes,

Australia's native wild dogs.

We're going to actually get to go inside

and meet our brother and sister dingoes.

Right. Are they friendly?

They're very, very friendly.

OK, no turning back.

Get in and say hello. Yeah.

OK.

Hello, pretty girl.

Hello. Now you come down to say hello.

So you can pet them like a dog? You can.

These two prefer pats along their back. OK.

There we go. He's on his way.

Whoo! There we go.

Hello, thanks for joining us, Simpson.

Yeah.

Oh, hello. Yeah, you've got some visitors. I know.

Hello.

Do you want one?

Yeah.

Getting braver now.

Simpson!

Hey, let's come onto the grass.

Come on, come on.

What's this?

Hey!

They are cute, aren't they?

Where is she? Where is she?

Hello, hello.

Oh, little brother and sister sniffing.

There.

There you go.

Thank you so much for such a wonderful day.

It's been a great day. Look at me with dingoes and koalas.

I'm just made up. Do you want to go clean some more exhibits? No, you're OK.

We've got a few more.

No, it's fine, I'll have a cup of tea. OK, need a cup of tea.

Coming up...

I embrace my inner hippie chick.

Ooh.

I never thought you could get that reaction from a tuning fork.

Ooh!

Ooh.

And surf's up in Sydney.

Beautiful dismount, fantastic!

Or is it down?

Welcome back to my wonderful adventure in Oz.

I'm on a walkabout along the east coast

before travelling across the country

to meet me ship later in the week.

The fabulous Gold Coast,

a stunning beach and a surfers' paradise.

That's its actual name, you know.

It's perfect for getting the sun on your back,

feeling the sand between your toes

and holding one of these under your arm.

Here I am.

GIGGLING

Hey, trust me, they're heavier than they look.

Here I am

in surfers' paradise.

I'm going surfing.

THUNDER CRACKS

What do you mean the weather's on the turn?

THUNDER

Can't we not do it?

Oh.

Go somewhere else then.

Yep, 300 days of sunshine each year,

I turn up and it's like a wet Wednesday in Wakey.

Good thing there's lots of other things to do here,

even if they are a bit...

..unusual.

Oh, blimey, look at this.

That's pretty scary stuff.

I'm at an age now where, you know...

..the bladder's not very good,

so anything could happen in there, really.

I won't even mention wind.

There's lots of it at this indoor skydiving centre,

where you can experience what it's like to free-fall from 14,000 feet.

Frightens the pants off me.

But there are compensations.

If you know what I mean.

Hello. How are you doing, Jane? I'm really well, how are you?

Vincent, nice to meet you. Hello, Vincent.

Are you going to teach me how to skydive?

Yes, I'll be taking you in there, keeping you safe, making sure you're OK in there.

Are you excited to go? Yeah.

Well, I did come out this morning expecting to wear a bikini,

but maybe this is better for all of us, eh?

I love a jumpsuit.

Am I rocking it, baby? Am I?

Right, guys, come on through, have a seat.

Around 40 quid it costs for one of these standard flights,

but if you fancy going right to the top,

the price gets a bit higher too.

You always get to this point

and you always want to go to the toilet.

Every time. Too late now, though.

All right, Jane, were going to start with... You.

Oh, great!

That's just what I needed to hear.

Oh, hang on, there's something not right here.

MUSIC SLOWS DOWN

Yeah, I can't, it's the breathing I can't do.

Yeah.

I'm...I'm actually shaking.

I couldn't breathe.

Well, that were pretty intense.

Mind you, I'm not giving up,

not with these hunky instructors around.

They're giving me a full-face helmet

to help me breathing.

I feel like Evil Knievel.

Hey up.

INAUDIBLE

Right, here we go again.

This is just something else.

I'm so pleased I had another go.

I'm even more pleased I didn't have a drink last night.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

That was...

..amazing.

When he got hold of me I thought, "He can do what he wants, really."

And he just took me up and down

and spinning and I was like, "Yeah,

"I'm flying like Peter Pan."

And as soon as I asked for this with the visor on

I was absolutely fine.

So, if you're going to have a problem stop and say,

"I'm uncomfortable with something."

Because now I could go back in there and do it all day.

It were absolutely brilliant.

Oh, I think I'm in love.

Day three and I've gone for a 90-minute drive inland

to a village like no other.

If you're backpacking round Oz like me - leave it -

then you have to come to Nimbin.

If you're into karma, chakras and crystals,

then this is the place for you.

I'm going to release my inner spirit.

Oh, yeah, come on.

It's fair to say there's a more free and easy way of life here.

And, yes, I have dressed to fit in.

There's a lot of strange aromas around here.

It's, er, it's very hippiefied...

..which is fab.

You will never see another place like Nimbin in your life.

It all started from a festival that was here in 1973

and people just didn't leave.

They just set up camp

and, er, and we have Nimbin,

which I think is a really, really

fantastic thing to do.

The Aquarius Festival was an arts and music event

celebrating counterculture as a response

to Australia's involvement in the Vietnam war.

It made Nimbin the centre of the country's hippie movement

and home to people with alternative ideas.

And when they get that feeling,

they want natural healing.

Medical cannabis.

Given the strong smell in the air,

I'd definitely say this is the high street!

Now, I'm going to go into this apothe...

How do you say it? ..apothecary, which is a chemist,

because I need to get over jet lag

because I can't sleep,

so I'm just going to go in and see if she can help me out.

Hello? Hello. Hello there. How are you?

I'm really, really well, apart from sleep deprivation. OK.

Have you got anything that can make me sleep? OK.

What I would recommend is the restful sleep mix that we do.

Yeah, restful sleep would be good.

Yeah, no problem.

This place has been selling homoeopathic remedies

for nearly 30 years.

Should have got the hang of it by now, then.

So, what are you putting in this, then?

So, this mix that I'm doing for you has got valerian,

which is good for muscle relaxation.

It's got chamomile, which is relaxing,

and then lemon balm, passion flower and skullcap to help you get into restful sleep.

Good.

It's very complex getting to sleep... Yeah.

So if you're out of whack,

then it's not going to help.

My whack is definitely out.

Don't worry, we get lots of people with their whack out!

Well, I reckon she's got some Yorkshire in her blood.

Right now, though, I need someone with magic in their fingers.

An alternative therapist

who can separate me ying from me yang,

and relax me with something called sound healing.

Gillian? Yes.

Hello, I'm Jane. Really nice to meet you. You too.

Can you sort me chakras?

Yeah, I think I can give it a go.

Just jump up here? Yeah, thanks. Thank you.

Oh, it's a bit higher than I thought.

Oh!

Excuse my leg.

Good start.

Just take a nice deep breath. Deep breaths?

Start to relax.

HIGH PITCHED CHIME

The chimes produce different notes and sound waves

and it's these musical vibrations that heal your body and mind...

..apparently.

This is going to help me feel better

and maybe not so old?

THEY LAUGH

I can only do so much. All right, thank you.

You're not a miracle worker.

This actually feels great.

Even if I do feel like a xylophone.

Just going to ground you now with the tuning forks.

Ooh.

That's lovely. There's a vibration right going up my legs there.

I never thought you could get that reaction from a tuning fork.

Ooh.

I've got a tuning fork at home as well.

I might just try different things with that now.

Ooh! Oh, yeah. That's so good.

SHE SIGHS Thank you. Thank you so much.

I needed to come here today to get this sorted out.

And a bit of this sorted out.

And I think I've done it.

Well, thank you, Nimbin, for such a chilled out day.

Time to leave now and get some sleep.

Now, if this was a normal trip, I'd now be boarding a ship to get me to the next stop.

But this one isn't normal because my boat is sailing from the opposite coast.

Rather than fly across the country direct to meet her,

I'm going to stop off for a day or so along the way -

in the city that now feels like a second home.

Well, Sydney, I'm back!

Do you know, it doesn't seem two minutes since I was climbing that bridge

and singing on that amazing stage.

But this time I'm here to probe Sydney a little deeper and this time in rubber.

Don't worry, it's not one of THEM programmes.

Because the weather stopped me in Surfers Paradise,

I'm heading 10 miles up the coast to Manly Beach.

I'm driving but if you have the time, the Manly ferry is a fabulous way to get there.

I'm off to learn how to surf like an expert...

Morning!

..and dress like one.

Good morning, how are you? Hi, there.

I'm looking for a wet suit.

I'm thinking more Pamela Anderson, less Michelin man.

You know, so, can you... Yeah. ..give me something to make me look absolutely fantastic?

Yeah, I'll show you what you've got.

Is it going to suck me in, if you know what I mean? A little bit!

Well, you've got to ask, haven't you?

Well, these ones are good cos they're nice and thin,

so they're not going to like add too much thickness onto your own body. Oh, that's not... Yeah, OK.

So, yeah. I don't want thickness adding.

Yeah, so those ones are specifically designed to, like,

make you look good, so, we can try that one as well! It's that one!

This is rather fabulous.

It's a workout just trying to get it on.

It's hard work. Ooh!

Bloody heck. I'm exhausted.

How you going in there?

This is like... Shall I just come out a bit?

Yeah, yeah, show me how you're going.

This is not the easiest thing I've ever done in my life.

That fit looks pretty good though. Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hang on.

SHE STRAINS Ha!

Just try and wriggle this up and get your hand through.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, gosh.

Beautiful. Just pop your shoulders back.

Yeah. Can you hear my bones cracking?!

I'm choking!

It's up, it's on!

I don't think this is the best look I've ever had!

So this is the most flattering you've got?

There's no hope! There's no hope!

I feel like a Teletubby!

OK, so we'll just get you to try this one on now.

JANE STRAINS

Bloody Nora!

Perfect.

Oh, this one isn't choking me as much. That's always handy, isn't it?

Yeah, that fits you really well.

Do you think? Yeah.

I'm a beach babe.

Now, this one, I can walk and I can move and I can bend.

Look at that. I can't touch my toes!

I can breathe in this.

And so the thinner one is definitely the one for me.

Actually, does my bum look big in this? I'm sure it'll be fine.

Right, Manly Beach is nearly a mile long.

It gets nearly 2.5 million visitors each year

and it's just the place to come when you're beach-body ready.

BAYWATCH THEME PLAYS

Baywatch...

MUSIC TRAILS OFF

..I think it's more like Crimewatch.

No, I've failed. Almost there.

I've failed.

SHE SIGHS

I can't do this.

Terrific effort. I'm nearly 40. Terrific.

Gosh. You OK? Well done, that was great. Fantastic.

Feel good? Yeah. Oh, look, you've got a big smile on your face.

This is Steve, by the way. My Manly surfing instructor.

Position yourself exactly like this... OK.

..so that the nose stays up out of the water. OK.

And then it's simply an action like that.

That's it? That's all you've got to do, OK?

Right. Ready? Yeah. Let's go.

OK, so... Oh, it's cold! It's nice and warm, isn't it(!)

Oh, my God, it's cold!

OK, are you ready?

I want you to get on exactly in that same position we were at. OK.

Whoa! You look fantastic.

Right. OK, are you ready? So remember what I said. OK.

Right hand drag through the water, left hand drag through the water.

OK. There you go. Awesome.

That's it. Perfect. That's it, you're doing well.

Yeah? OK, Jane, turn around.

Turn around? Stop. Yeah. Turn around. How do I turn around?

Big strokes of the left arm.

There you go, perfect.

Yeah. Nice.

This is harder than I thought.

Hang on a minute. Argh!

Watch out for the rocks, though! Ah!

Shipwrecked! I'm ship... Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

What are you looking for over here? Can I have a lifeguard, please?!

HE LAUGHS

I'll tell you what, I'll turn you around. Yeah. Are you ready? Right.

And go for it. Thank you.

Hard as you can, hard as you can to the shore. Hard as you can.

SHE SHRIEKS

Beautiful dismount! Fantastic!

Oh, that was great.

Oh, thank you, Steve. No problem. Absolutely my pleasure.

That's great. You did great.

I'll not try standing up.

I thought that was all going to be a walk in the park.

You know, a bit of a red costume moment.

It's a lot harder than you think.

Pamela Anderson has got a lot to answer for.

Right, cocktails.

Coming up, I get my teeth into something meaty.

I like a big portion, I do.

And they've sent me to prison.

Gosh, I didn't expect this at all.

It's like the film isn't it, The Shawshank Redemption? Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm back in one of my favourite cities.

Australia's biggest and one of the world's most famous.

Five million people call it home.

Three times that pay a visit every year.

And it's where I've stopped off on my way to the west coast.

The thing is though, I've done Sydney in the daytime.

Innit lovely, here?

So I thought I'd get out and get a taste of it at night at Woolloomooloo wharf.

That's strong, is that!

Do you know, this is quite a different experience for me on this trip

because I'm doing half of it on land and half of it on the ship.

A lot of packing and unpacking.

But, hey, it'll be worth it.

We're gonna have a great time.

But, you know, I've had a right busy day and all I fancy today

is not some exotic fish dish, which I can get here.

I just fancy a pie.

But I'll have me Cosmo first!

Oh, yes. I love my life.

And I'm also very fond of this spot just round the corner.

Five years ago, I came to this very place with Ed

and he treated me to pie, mash, mushy peas and gravy.

And it was one of the best memories I've ever had.

So I could not come back to Sydney and not visit this amazing place.

By 'eck he knows how to treat a girl, my other half.

Harry's Cafe de Wheels has been serving up mouthwatering beef pies since the 1930s.

The original owner, Harry Edwards, was a boxer, whose nickname in the ring was The Tiger.

So no prizes for guessing the name of the most famous dish on the menu.

Now, we're no strangers to pie dinners back in the UK,

let's be honest.

But it's the way they assemble it here that makes it so special.

I'm meeting one of the owners, Keith, to see how it's done.

I'm Jane, nice to meet you. Hi, Jane. Lovely to meet you. You are right?

Welcome to Harry's. Thank you so much.

This is such a famous pie shop here, isn't it?

It's an icon in Sydney and an icon in Australia.

Now, I'm excited because you get like a meal, it's a full meal, isn't it, in one? Oh, absolutely.

You get your mashed potato, you get your gravy.

You get proper mushy peas. Mushy peas. Mushy peas! Can I have a look?

Oh, certainly, please. Can I go and have a look how it's all made?

Let me introduce you to the restaurant manager. Roland.

Roland. Ah, Roland. You're the boss man! He is.

He's got some real stories to tell, has Roland.

So do you get any celebrities come here?

A lot of celebrities come down. Yeah? Pamela Anderson.

Pamela Anderson? Oh, we're very alike, me and Pamela Anderson.

So alike. You've had Elton John as well? Yeah, Elton John.

He's a bit of a regular. He loves it here.

Oh, that's good to know.

Because I'm sure he's watching the show, is Elton.

So, hello, Elton. I'm here at your favourite pie shop.

But can I come and have a look... Yeah, for sure. Certainly. Come in.

The recipes remained unchanged for nearly a century.

The presentation might be a little bit different tonight though.

Oh, so this is where it all happens, yeah? This is where everything happens. OK.

I'll introduce you to The Tiger. The Tiger?

That's what we're famous for. Fantastic.

And probably you can construct one.

Shall I do what you're doing then? Yeah. Follow me.

Right, make way for the domestic goddess.

A dollop of mash. All right. OK.

That's a big dollop of mash. Perfect! That's a big dollop! Perfect.

You get some mushy peas. Oh, mushy peas.

Or Yorkshire caviar, for the uninitiated.

I'm getting much bigger portions than you are! That's all right!

I like a big portion.

And now we grab the gravy. Yeah? There's a little trick to that.

OK.

Press it down, twist it. Ahh! OK. There you go, that's The Tiger.

OK, so I take that like that and then I push that down, yeah?

Push it down, yeah. Oh, dear.

And then that's that. Ohh! Perfect.

Look at that. That's the best Tiger I've ever seen. Oh, stop!

THEY LAUGH

Well, praise from Roland definitely calls for a celebratory slap-up.

Mmm!

Oh, that is so good, isn't it? You can't beat...

You can't beat pie, mash and mushy peas with some gravy on it.

I don't care what part of the world you're in.

There is no taste quite like that.

Rowland, thank you so much for letting us back here.

No worries, our pleasure. A pleasure having you here.

And keep up the good work, won't you? Thank you.

I'm off now to eat my pie. Is that all right? Enjoy. I will.

See you later. See you. Ta-ra.

Oh, I love a pie!

I've had a lot of fun here tonight.

But to actually come to the other side of the world,

to taste something that is so homely to me is just wonderful.

I'm just going to carry on eating my pie. I hope you don't mind but it's been a long day andI'm hungry.

My mini break in Sydney has come to an end all too quickly

cos it's time for the next leg of me Aussie adventure.

Today, I'm catching a flight from Sydney Airport to meet my ship

before cruising the west coast of the country.

My only regret is that I never got to take a trip like this sooner.

I never did a gap year. I couldn't afford to do a gap year!

I could not afford to do a gap year.

What I did was I worked my passage.

SHE LAUGHS To coin a phrase. I...

I went to work on a cruise ship.

And I saw the world, so I did a gap year but I got paid to do it.

Here we go. Oh, thank you very much.

I've still got jet lag from the last flight, so who knows how this one's going to go.

Hello. Thank you. That's it, thank you.

As the sleep remedy I bought in Nimbin still hasn't kicked in,

I bought myself a travel pillow.

This is rather fabulous, isn't it?

Here we go, then.

The engines are thrusting.

And I'm going to try and get some sleep in.

So I think it's one of them that go round your neck, which will help.

So I think I've just got to blow it up.

Is that where you blow it?

It's full of lipstick now. ENGINE NOISE DROWNS SPEECH

It just looks like bagpipes.

What would you do with this?

I don't know how you would use this?

Oh, well, looks like I'll just have to sit back and enjoy the views instead.

We're flying 2,000 miles across the outback

to one of the world's most isolated cities, Perth.

Then once we land it's a quick drive to Fremantle,

where me ship's waiting to sail.

We'll be steaming south to our first port of call - Albany,

before making our way up the coast to Margaret River.

Then it's a short journey back to Fremantle,

where I'll pick up my second cruise.

Before I board me ship, I've got time to explore Fremantle.

Now, I could check out the markets or hit the beach

but I can do those sort of things any time.

And today isn't any time, it's visiting time.

Fremantle is indeed famous for its docks

but it's also notorious for its cell blocks.

When they said, "Jane, do you fancy going behind bars in Fremantle?"

Something tells me it's not to make myself a pina colada!

Yep, they've sent me to prison. Fremantle prison.

Thousands of inmates were held within these walls

from its construction in 1852 to its closure nearly 140 years later.

It's now reopened as a tourist attraction,

complete with a guide named Luke, who's showing me round.

So we're moving into the main cell block, where all the prisoners were kept.

Oh, God, it's like being on telly, isn't it?

Yeah, it's massive, isn't it?

Gosh. I didn't expect this at all.

Wow. It's like the film, isn't it, The Shawshank Redemption. Yeah, yeah.

Whoa.

Well, it might look a bit like a Hollywood film set but there's nowt glamorous about it.

In 1850, English and Irish convicts were sent to Fremantle to build the prison,

before being locked up inside.

It's quite haunting in a way.

Then again, there's something strangely familiar about it.

When they started constructing, the metal order from England hadn't arrived.

So they pulled all the iron off the transport ships

and they used that to build the balustrades in here.

So that's why it has a kind of, very much a nautical feel about it.

It does, doesn't it? Yeah, it feels like you're in a ship, a big ship. It really does.

Well, OK, maybe not when you check out the accommodation.

It can't have been pleasant staying in these bleak cells

with little space and even less to do.

But at least one prisoner found a way to fill the time.

So this cell belonged to a convict called James Walsh

and he tried to forge a £1 note in England.

And so they brought him out here and for some reason they allowed him to draw on the walls

and to practise his art. Gosh, look, yeah.

And as you can see, he was extremely talented. These are all his?

These are all his. Wow.

How wonderful that that is still here. Yeah.

Wow, amazing.

So much went on here, from hangings and floggings,

to prisoner riots and escape attempts.

So now we will take you down into the tunnels underneath the prison. Right.

And I'll introduce you to Chris, our tunnels guide. Hi. Hi.

Really nice to meet you. Thank you so much.

But even more tales lie beneath.

You're taking me in the tunnels now? Oh, yes! Oh, right then. Here we go.

Now, apparently to enter this dark underbelly, a costume change is called for.

Oh, so glamorous! So I'm dressed as a ghostbuster.

Yeah, and I hope you're ready, Jane, because you and me are about to climb the ladder.

The ladder? The ladder.

The ladder of doom? The ladder of doom!

SHE GASPS Oh, my God! That's a long way down!

That's a long way down.

Coming up...

I finally get to board my ship.

I love this bit. Yes! Oh, yes!

And trouble onboard...

This sounds absolutely rubbish!

..as I get lost in transit.

I'm just wondering if you can help me out. Yes. What can I do?

How do you find your way around the ship?

I'm inside Fremantle prison.

SHE GASPS Oh, my God! That's a long way down.

About to descend 20m below the surface.

Let's go.

It's like scaling the Angel Of The North from top to toe.

Bloody hell, guys. This is a bit much, isn't it?

It's a lot harder than I thought.

Good, well done, Jane.

Thank goodness for that! That's the scariest thing.

And we've barely started the tour yet.

It has some interesting acoustic properties. Yeah?

If you give me a nice big hello out into the wall.

OK. Into this wall? A big voice, Jane.

Hello!

Do you hear there is no echo? No, there's nothing. Yeah, it just dies off.

So your voice gets broken up on the rough ragged rock and absorbed like sponge.

But if you were down here screaming for help, no-one is going to hear you.

Great! Yeah.

Well, that's comforting. I'd better behave myself.

Follow me. OK.

Right, it's been a nice life!

These tunnels were dug by the convicts by hand.

Not to escape this time but to provide Fremantle's water supply.

The actual floor of the tunnel looks like this. Gosh, look at that!

But when you shine the light up like that.

SHE GASPS Holy cow!

That is frightening! Look at that!

It's a reflection of the ceiling, it's working like a mirror.

So the water's very clean and very clear and you get this beautiful image...

So that's a mirror image of what is above us? Hmm.

This is really spooky down here. Spooky, spooky, spooky!

This place is full of surprises.

There's even little rafts down here if you want to go deeper inside.

Sit down. Right. And then don't fall in or out of the boat.

Don't fall in or out. Ohh! OK.

That's it. Oh, just to sit down!

Now, Jane, you can just relax. I'm going to do all the hard work. Good.

So it'll be like the gondolas of Venice. Yeah. Oh, I like that.

Except I won't sing.

You can sing to me, love. No, that would be nice.

If you turn all the lights off really quickly, you can see just how dark and quiet it is down here.

It's like a coffin. Yeah, well, I guess so!

I've never been in a coffin but I... You imagine this is what it would be like. Yeah.

So me in there as well? Yeah, you and me, in a coffin!

HE LAUGHS Hello, lights on please, lights on. Yeah.

Like now. That's spooky!

Right, that's enough, where's the exit?

Are we going down there? Yes.

We're going here. Right, bye. It's been lovely.

Oh, I'm glad I'm not driving. Now, Jane, you're in charge of steering up there. OK. Oh, sorry.

I didn't know I had a job to do. All right. That's it.

When you're ready, Jane, you can hop on out. I'll keep the boat nice and steady.

THEY LAUGH

This is the hardest bit!

All right, how about if I get out... Oh, no, you've got it?

Look at that. Oh, Jeez. Hang on a minute!

Oh, steady on. SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, that's it. All right.

Good. SHE STRAINS WITH EFFORT

Thank goodness I've made it.

Well, that's my tour of Fremantle prison done and dusted.

It's been fascinating but I don't want to be banged up again, abroad or otherwise.

Time to leave now cos it's time for the next leg of my Aussie adventure.

And it's all aboard this little beauty.

This is the Sun Princess and this noble vessel

is going to take us on the west coast of Aus.

I can't wait to get on board. Come on. Come on!

At 15 decks high, this ship has plenty to keep all 2,000 passengers busy.

Three pools, a theatre, a spa and seven restaurants offering food from all over the world.

There's also a gym,

and, much more importantly for me, 10 bars.

I've got my card.

Hi.

Thank you very much.

I'm on! I'm on! I'm on the ship.

Hello.

There are 1,011 cabins on board,

ranging from affordable ones without an ocean view,

to more expensive suites.

I've gone middle-of-the-road and got myself a cabin with a balcony.

We're here.

Look at this.

Oh, I love this bit.

Yes! Oh, yes! Oh, gosh, look.

Oh! SHE GIGGLES

Oh, it's fabulous.

Oh, I feel like I've got to make it again now.

I've got a nice net. I love a nice net.

You can tell these are brand-new because these have just come out of a packet

cos they've still got the crease in! SHE LAUGHS

So that's nice. I've got a balcony.

I've got a nice balcony out there, which is perfect for having a cup of tea on.

A cup of coffee on an afternoon.

But of course I won't be sat there much

because I'll be taking you around the ship and off on port

to do everything that we always do.

Cabins come with a TV, an en-suite bathroom

and they've left me a gift, a bottle of bubbly.

Definitely saw me coming!

And there's another added extra.

This is a very special pillow and it's called a music pillow.

And you can either plug it into your own phone

or you can find what you want on this.

Look at that!

It's an MP3 player for the technophobes out there.

Music...to my ears.

I can't hear a thing! SHE LAUGHS

I'll work that out later.

Cos right now it's time to make the most of that balcony.

Sail away is one of the most special times on your cruise

because you've finally left the port,

you're finally on your holidays.

And it's marvellous. Cheers.

Usually, you have a bottle of champagne with your loved one,

but if you're ought like me, you like a bottle to yourself.

SHE LAUGHS

Ah!

Take me to Paradise!

It's day two of the cruise,

and we're now steaming south to our first port of call, Albany.

This country's so big, we won't actually arrive there

until tomorrow, so sit back, relax,

and follow me and me selfie stick for a little nose around.

Now, one of the biggest things on a ship is finding your way.

The atrium is the busiest part of the ship,

and all of the restaurants are at the front of the ship...

..apart from the fine-dining restaurants,

which are all around the atrium here.

Have you got that?

Restaurants at the front except for those in the middle. You're welcome!

This ship also has 10 bars, a spacious lounge,

and some lovely shops.

But as it's more than 850 feet long,

there's a pretty good chance of losing your way.

Luckily for any cruising novices who are watching,

I've spent half me life on ships just like this one,

so you know you can rely on me.

That's the very front of the ship. At the front...

I don't know what I'm doing here.

Hang on a minute. Is that right?

No, no...

Bear with me.

This sounds absolutely rubbish!

If you head for a lift and the atrium...

Just keep walking, or ask somebody.

Jane's guided tours - can't beat them.

Hello. I'm just wondering if you can help me out.

Yes? What can I do?

How do you find your way around the ship?

I just ask the first person that I see,

"Am I going forward or am I going backwards?"

I love this lady. And what is your name?

Lydia. Nice to meet you, I'm Jane. Aren't they big ships?

They are big ships. That's what makes it so much fun.

Yeah. It is, it is.

But once you find where you're going, it's wonderful.

Thank you for being so lovely, Lydia, and I'll see you again.

You're welcome. Thanks a lot.

So, my advice is get lost and just ask.

You'll find out where you're going.

I hope that makes sense!

When you do find what you're looking for,

there's loads of fun to be had on board.

And there's one place in particular that's very close to my heart.

Now, this is my favourite part of any ship, and it's the theatre.

And of course, for those of you who know me well,

this is where I started all those years ago.

So, I'm going in now to meet the cast.

Exciting!

These cast members certainly put the hours in.

Five, six, seven, eight... Two shows a day, every day, plus rehearsals.

Oh, hello! Sorry, can I interrupt?

Of course you can. Hiya!

Hiya, are you all right? Yes, love. How are you?

Simon, nice to meet you. Simon. Hiya. Stephen. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Stephen. You sound English.

Yep. Northerner. Leeds.

"Leeds!" And...?

Liverpool. Liverpool?! Yeah. Oh, my God.

But you've got all different people here from all over the world? Yeah.

Matt, in the back, from Cornwall.

Cornwall? Oh, isn't it lovely, Cornwall? It is, yeah.

Kelly from Canada.

Oh, Kelly! Hello!

Hi. The little lady in pink. Yeah.

You look very young as well. How old are you?

I'm 23. 23. Oh, so young.

She's not the youngest, though.

No? Who's the youngest?

Matt. Oh, Matt from Cornwall! You're the youngest!

How old are you, Matt?

20. JANE GASPS

Oh, God, to be 20 again on a ship.

Happy days are here again, baby!

LAUGHTER

So, is this a new show you're putting on?

Yeah, we're learning a new show.

We should hopefully premiere it maybe in the next week or two.

Oh, fabulous. Well, I'll let you carry on.

I'll just stand here and... Amazing.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

Out, two, three, four,

cross, turn, out, in, out.

Oh, wow! It really does take me back.

Enjoy every second of this time in your life.

One of the best times I ever had was working on ships.

And I know it's hard work and there's a lot of shows to do,

and sometimes you get homesick, but I'm so jealous of you all

for being at this stage in your life, because honestly,

the world is your oyster.

Come here, I want to hug you all.

ALL: Aww! I love you. I think you are all amazing.

Thank you so, so much. Thank you. Aren't you just lovely?

Right, I'm getting emotional now, so I'm off.

I'm off for a coffee. Right.

LAUGHTER

Next, the big guns are out as we dock in Albany...

Ah!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my God!

..I'm invited to be in the driving seat for once...

Maybe don't play with the little knob.

I'm not going to play with the knob.

Good job. You're a natural.

Welcome back on board my epic journey down under.

Overnight, we completed the 386 mile journey

around Australia's southwestern tip

and arrived in the port of Albany.

As one of Australia's oldest European settlements,

it's rich in history. Perhaps most famously, it was the city

from which 40,000 troops sailed on their way to battle in World War I.

Today, they are commemorated in Albany's Anzac Museum...

Hi, you must be David. Yes. Hi, Jane.

..where I've booked myself a private tour.

So, tell me, David, about the Anzacs.

The Anzacs first were coined in Gallipoli, in 1914.

It's a combination of the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps,

and they were known as that all the way through World War I. Wow.

And it's amazing how you've been able to retain all the records.

Yeah. Every single person.

And we have to keep things like this alive and going

for history, don't we? Exactly.

And what we're finding now is the visitors that are actually

coming to Albany are starting their Anzac pilgrimage.

They had fathers, they had mothers in World War II,

but they also had grandfathers and great uncles in World War I. Yeah.

So, the tradition starts here in Albany, and then they go off

and explore the world, finding and discovering

where their ancestors left. Wow. That's amazing.

Of the 40,000 Anzac troops who departed from here,

around a third never came home from battle.

Personal belongings of soldiers are often passed on through generations,

with some on show here in the original army barracks.

So, what we have here is a collection of a soldier

that came to Albany

and then enlisted for mother country, England,

and then unfortunately, this person here did not return.

Oh.

But this is all his stuff? Yeah.

What we have here is his war medals that he received.

He received a Distinguished Conduct Medal.

Do I have to put these on?

Oh, yeah. If you don't mind. Oh, eh.

We're custodians of these,

so we obviously want to try and maintain them

for future generations.

I don't blame you either, with my grubby fingers.

You don't want that all over them, do you?

Now, this particular gentleman, Walter Robins, he left here,

he met a lady, they were married over in England.

And that's a picture of them before he went back to the front.

Unfortunately, on this occasion, he didn't come back,

and she was a widow.

The story goes with her, she actually then emigrated

to Albany and from there she actually spent

the remaining of her life living with his father and mother,

but she never remarried.

Wow. She lived to 92.

The next of kin actually does receive a memorial penny.

A memorial penny is something that was actually issued to all

fallen soldiers of the Commonwealth.

Good grief. No rank, it was just their name.

And this is something that she treasured. I bet.

She must have really loved him. Yeah.

Well, when you find your true love... Yeah.

..it's very hard to move on. It is. A lot of people don't.

And they look so in love there, don't they? Yeah.

Ooh. Blimey.

I can only imagine what the soldiers went through.

Walking in the footsteps of the Anzac soldiers

is incredibly moving.

This canon, known as The Midday Gun,

used to be fired to let them know it was 12 noon.

And it still works.

This happens every day, does it?

No, we put it on for special event.

Obviously, visiting cruise ships,

other ceremonies like Anzac Day, Remembrance Day.

Things like that. OK.

So, it's going to be loud? It's going to be very loud.

We are using explosives. That's why we're standing so far back.

Uh-huh. And you'll actually really enjoy it too. Will I?

Oh, you'll feel it, you'll smell it, you'll actually hear it.

Oh, God! Yeah.

Ah!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God! And that's the normal reaction we get -

people laughing, loving it. Oh, my God! Everyone jumped. Yeah. Gosh.

That's quite a spectacle. Oh, thanks. Yeah. It really is!

That certainly made me jump. SHE LAUGHS

It really did.

Today, I've had an insight into something I had no idea about.

I'm really glad to have looked around this amazing place.

It's been a poignant day,

and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

It's day four of my cruise along Australia's west coast,

and we're steaming back towards Fremantle.

But as the dog would say, it's "ruff" out there -

so rough the captain's had to abandon our stop at Margaret River,

and I've had to settle for a chill day on board.

But we can still have a little peek at how beautiful it is, eh?

There's Skippy.

And there's one of the vineyards that make up

this delicious wine region.

Now I really wish I could get off.

Anyway, we've made it to Fremantle.

Before heading off for a second cruise,

I'm getting on a little ship and heading off to a nearby island.

I've been told it's very peaceful, although its residents

are a bit, well, wild.

See that? I'm getting on it, any second.

Well, when it docks, actually. I'm going to get me ticket.

Because I'm going quokka... Quokka spotting today.

Whatever they are.

Hi. Hi. I'm here to meet the quokkas. Here you go.

Thank you very much. Are they very friendly?

Oh, yes. They'll come right up to you. Will they? If they like you.

Very cute and very...

Have a wonderful trip on the island.

We will. Thank you. See you later.

Bye.

Yay! Thank you very much. What are you doing, then?

Just travelling round? Yeah, we're just...

Yeah, travelling round Australia.

We're on our way, Rottnest Island...

..which actually means rat's nest in Dutch.

So, its not very enticing, is it?

I want to call it Quokka Island. I think that's better.

Let's got meet the quokkas.

It takes 45 minutes to get there,

so plenty of time for a natter with the captain.

Should you not have both hands on the wheel, or...?

Well, this is just for show, Jane.

So, we've got this one that's actually steering the boat. Oh.

Oh, that's a bit clever. Sorry, I'll hold this if you like.

THEY LAUGH Do I detect an English accent, there?

Yes, my parents are from Yorkshire. No! Mmm. Oh, my God.

I can't believe that. Your neck of the woods. Absolutely. Where about?

Yarm, near Middlesbrough. Yarm, yeah. Blimey. Yeah.

God, we're everywhere, aren't we?

I know, I know. We spread, don't we?

So, what made you move over here?

The weather.

And a girl. Ah, love. Love.

Love conquers all, you know. It does.

Oh, Ollie, thanks for letting me ride with you. Any time.

Would you like to have a drive? No!

Yeah? Go on. I've got a full ship. Shall I? Yeah.

Ooh, I'm going to drive!

Maybe don't play with the little knob.

I'm not going to play with the knob. But you can hold the wheel.

Right, OK. I'll just...

So, that's the island there, OK? Look at this. Right.

A little bit to the north.

So, turn the wheel to the right a little bit more. Right, yeah.

Keep going. Keep going till we start turning.

Good job. You're a natural. Mmm!

You must have been on boats before.

Just a few. Just a few, Ollie. I've never driven one, though.

Really? Yeah. This is a first.

You've popped your boating virginity, Jane. I have.

I've done it. I've popped me cork.

Can we say that?

THEY LAUGH

It's nice to be in the driving seat for once,

but I do prefer being a passenger.

I'm going to meet little quokkas. Aww!

Yeah, hopefully. If you're lucky.

The quokka selfie, it seems to be a bit of a phenomenon.

I need a selfie with a quokka, don't I?

Like Roger. Roger...?

Federer. Oh, has he done it? Yeah, he's done it.

Hugh Jackman. SHE GASPS

The Greatest Showman.

Dolly Parton. Wow.

So, they've all been here, then.

I think it's good for your Instagram followers. Is it? Yeah.

So, if I get a quokka selfie and put it up...?

It'll go viral. Will it?

So, I might be going viral?

I might go viral!

I have to admit, I haven't got a clue what that means.

Last time I had something viral, my throat felt like it were on fire.

I don't fancy going through that again.

Coming up, I go wild with my camera...

Hang on, how do you do a selfie?

..and I get back on board...

You beauty!

..to start the second leg of me cruise up the west cost.

Cheers, everyone.

Rottnest Island.

It attracts over half a million visitors each year,

all hoping to come face-to-face with its inhabitants.

But I've got a question,

and luckily, I've also got Rebecca, my island guide.

So, what is, actually, a quokka?

A quokka is a small type of wallaby with a short face and rounded ears.

Aww, lovely. Cute. Yes, very, very cute.

Now, I want somewhere where it's absolutely chockablock-a-quokka.

Yes. Can you find somewhere? Absolutely. Let's go.

Let's go and have a look.

Oh, Jane, look. There's one over there. Do you see it? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

What I'll do is I'll hold back.

I'll just let you go in and just let them come to you. OK. OK?

WHISPERS: Right, I'm going.

There are no predators on Rottnest,

so these beauts are incredibly tame.

There it is.

This is amazing.

I've got a quokka.

It's lovely. Munching away.

The little joey's come to see us as well.

Hello.

WHISPERS: They are the cutest thing ever.

I'm just going to sit on the ground.

Right, time to get what I came for.

WHISPERS: Get a selfie with me quokka.

Hang on, how do you do a selfie?

SHE LAUGHS

Well, I now know that quokkas are related to wallabies and not koalas.

But they do have something in common with those bears I met earlier.

RECORD SCRATCH

I've just realised I'm actually sat in quokka droppings.

I didn't see where I was sitting.

And I've got white jeans on. Yay!

I've got me picture. I am now known as the quokka whisperer.

Now, all I need to do is upload this

to the Instaweb-of-Facebook-a-gram...

Erm... Hashtag...

..what the heck am I doing?

I don't know how to do this cos I'm a bit technophobe.

But I've got the picture! Yes!

Right, I'm only a fraction of the way through my journey in Oz,

but already, this has been a trip to remember.

From skydiving...

..to almost surfing... SHE SCREAMS

I've drank cocktails on the coast...

How strong is that?!

..and treated myself to a taste of home...

Mmm!

..all while meeting some of the loveliest people

in this loveliest of countries.

My whack is definitely out.

Don't worry, we get lots of people with their whack out.

THEY LAUGH

Next time...

Woohoohoo!

I'm having my Aussie cake and eating it.

It's a bit like a Battenberg, isn't it?

Move over, Crocodile Dundee!

It's pretty scary, but unbelievable.

SHE LAUGHS

SHE SCREAMS

I'll be getting the hump and the outback...

I'm not that heavy!

..going shopping for a few bits...

Kangaroo scrotum.

..and diving into the unknown.

This is fabulous!

What's not to love in the land down under?

# Travelling in a fried-out Kombi

# On a hippie trail Head full of zombie

# I met a strange lady She made me nervous

# She took me in and gave me breakfast

# And she said

# Do you come from a land down under?

# Where women glow and men plunder?

# Can't you hear Can't you hear the thunder?

# You better run You better take cover

# Buying bread from a man in Brussels

# He was six foot four And full of muscle

# I said, "Do you speak-a my language?"

# He just smiled And gave me a vegemite sandwich

# And he said

# I come from a land down under

# Where beer does flow and men chunder

# Can't you hear Can't you hear the thunder?

# You better run You better take cover, yeah

# Living in a land down under

# Where women glow and men plunder

# Can't you hear Can't you hear the thunder? #

So...

At least me hair's all right.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media