All language subtitles for Ch5 Cruising Down Under with Jane McDonald 1080p.eng

G'day, I'm Jane McDonald, and
strewth I'm down under.

From big cities to
the blazing outback,

from skyscrapers to waterfalls

and stunning beaches,

where do I begin?

Australia is massive.

23 hours it's taken me to get
here from the UK,

so you can bet I'm going to explore
as much of it as I possibly can.

It's not Blackpool, this, is it?

In this series, there'll be
no mountain high enough

and no water deep enough.

This is fabulous!

And, as it's a once-in-a-lifetime
experience,

I'll be doing it in
a once-in-a-lifetime way.

Then do all the West Coast
on a cruise,

but I'm also going to do
the East Coast.

So this bit I'm going to be
doing backpacking.

OK, that might be pushing it,

but I WILL be taking ships,
trains...

Oh, things are looking up.

..planes...

..as we all discover what this great
country has to offer.

SHE CHUCKLES

So grab your thongs - that's
flip-flops to you and me -

put on your budgie smugglers.
We're going on an adventure.

Come on.

This time, surf's up,

as I take to the seas,

and skies, of Australia's
unforgettable Gold Coast.

When he got older, I thought, well,
he can do what he wants, really.

I'll be hanging out with the hippies
in Nimbin...

Can you sort my chakras? Yeah,
I think I can give it a go.

..and hitting the waves in
Manly Beach.

Shipwrecked!

And that's even before I've boarded
this little beauty.

I love this bit. Yeah!

I'm meeting some kindred spirits...

Come here, I want to hug you all.

I just love you. I think
you're all amazing.

..going underground in Fremantle...

SHE GASPS
Oh, my God, that's a long way down.

That's a long way down.

..and making sure we all have
a blast.

Oh!
SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, my God.

That certainly made me jump.

OK, I've got two weeks to explore
the east of

the land down under before I board
my ship over in the west.

And where better to start than
the fabulous Gold Coast?

Get ready to sample the delights
of Brisbane.

Known to the locals as Brissy,
Australia's third largest city

is packed with fantastic things to
see and do.

World-class galleries, museums,

and beautiful botanical gardens all
line the city's incredible river.

It's also home to the world's first
and largest koala sanctuary.

Oh, aren't they gorgeous?

I've booked myself a trip to see a
few of these little fellas close-up.

Who says I don't dress for
the occasion?

Hello. Hi, Jane, I'm Kayla.
Hello, Kayla.

Welcome to Lone Pine. Thank you.

We are going to do a Keeper For
A Day experience

with you today. Fantastic. So, it's
a real immersive,

hands-on experience. You get to find
out what it's like to be

a zoo keeper for the day.

We've got lots of fun things
planned. Are you ready to go?

Oh, yeah. All right, well, I'll let
you wear this... Oh, thank you.

..just to let everyone know you are
doing that experience.

Keeper For A Day. Keeper For A Day.

Brilliant. Ready to go?
Yes, thank you. Let's go.

Lone Pine opened its doors in 1927,

providing refuge for poorly, injured
or orphaned koalas.

Since then, the number of residents
has grown,

along with the amount of visitors.

This experience does cost a bit more
than a standard ticket,

but it allows you to get as near to
the koalas as you possibly can.

Apparently, there's 130 of them
living here now.

Now, obviously, one of the big
things about maintaining

a population of koalas of that size,
there's a lot of cleaning involved.

So, one of the things that we're
going to get you to do today,

that's right, is to help us clean
a koala exhibit.

Great. Are you ready? I'm going
to be cleaning. You are.

Fabulous. Where's my Marigolds?

Other rubber products are available.

So here we are. Yeah. This is where
actually our oldest

male koala lives. Oh. His name is
Buckley. Buckley the oldest?

Buckley, yes. Oh, bless him.
How old is he?

He's 12 years old.

Right. After you. OK.

He's just curled up here having
a snooze. Oh, bless him.

We are going to take our
scrubber brush. OK.

You want to just give it
a good scrub.

The main thing here is to make sure
you're coating the pole

with the disinfectant.

So it's very clean here, isn't it?

We try to keep it that way,
yes, definitely.

I reckon this looks great. In fact,
I think we're just about done.

Great.

Koalas do have a bit of a smell
to them.

The male koalas in particular
are a bit smellier.

Do you want to go...? It's a bit
like males in general,

really, isn't it? A little bit,
yeah. Yeah.

Would you like to have a sniff?
Yeah, shall we have a go

and sniff Buckley? Yeah, maybe just
a little sniff.

Come on over. Let's go and sniff
a bear. Yeah.

Not top of my bucket list,
I'll admit, but I'm here now.

Oh, yeah, that's quite strong,
isn't it? It is.

It's a very...weird smell. Unique.
It is. It's hard to explain.

It's a bit musky, it's kind of
eucalyptus-y. Yeah.

But it's definitely distinct.

"Go to Australia, Jane," they said.

"Clean poo. Fill your nostrils."

So, here's what I'm going to get
you to do. OK.

Can you stand on these footprints
right here? Yeah.

And when the koala comes out,
you are basically going to

channel your inner tree. You're
going to be a tree for the koala...

OK. ..and put one hand on top of
the other

and just stay nice and still.

So, here he comes. All right.

This is Jarvis. He is
a five-year-old male koala.

And there you go.

Oh, he's grooming himself a little
bit there. Mm-hm.

Never done this before.
Can you tell?

What do you think? How does he feel?

Heavy. He is heavy, right? Yep.

And you might also be able to
feel under your hands

that his bottom is quite hard. Yeah.

So they have a bony plate under
the bum. That's true.

Got a bony bum. That helps them to
sit up in the trees.

So they've got, like, built-in
little seats there on their bums.

Jarvis is a very sweet boy.

He is, isn't he? Yeah.

He's munching away.
He's munching away.

All right. You've done very well.

I reckon we'll take Jarvis back.

Say goodbye to Jarvis. Oh, yeah.
Thank you very much.

Thank you. I can breathe again.

That was one of the most
nerve-racking things I've ever done.

You did a wonderful job. Bless you.
All right, let's go.

Although this was originally
a sanctuary for koalas only,

it's now a refuge to more than 100
species of Australian wildlife...

These barking owls can catch
things like possums.

..including some lovely hooters.

CROWD: Whoa.

We have just been joined at the back
there by little Milo,

and Milo is a beautiful
little barn owl.

And she is going to use
a volunteer in our audience.

So, Jane, who is our
keeper-for-a-day person today,

if you would like to hop on here.
Right.

And you are going to be meeting
Milo.

Thank you.

I'll get you to stand right here.
OK.

We're going to get you to use a
glove just like we do, don't worry.

That's good. On your left hand.
Thank you.

All right, so out like this and Milo

is going to go from this
little log over here,

hopefully see this little mouse,

and have her little mouse there.

What a good girl.

And then she's going to take
herself all the way home

back into her little nest box.

That's good. There she goes,
what a good girl.

Yeah. Thank you very much.
How about a round of applause
for our volunteer?

Thank you. Nice work.

Every animal here receives
loads of love and care

from the zookeepers.

And that has a positive effect
on them all,

even on the dingoes,

Australia's native wild dogs.

We're going to actually
get to go inside

and meet our brother and sister
dingoes.

Right. Are they friendly?

They're very, very friendly.

OK, no turning back.

Get in and say hello. Yeah.

OK.

Hello, pretty girl.

Hello.
Now you come down to say hello.

So you can pet them
like a dog? You can.

These two prefer pats
along their back. OK.

There we go. He's on his way.

Whoo! There we go.

Hello, thanks for joining us,
Simpson.

Yeah.

Oh, hello. Yeah, you've got
some visitors. I know.

Hello.

Do you want one?

Yeah.

Getting braver now.

Simpson!

Hey, let's come onto the grass.

Come on, come on.

What's this?

Hey!

They are cute, aren't they?

Where is she? Where is she?

Hello, hello.

Oh, little brother and sister
sniffing.

There.

There you go.

Thank you
so much for such a wonderful day.

It's been a great day. Look at me
with dingoes and koalas.

I'm just made up. Do you want to go
clean some more exhibits?
No, you're OK.

We've got a few more.

No, it's fine, I'll have a
cup of tea. OK, need a cup of tea.

Coming up...

I embrace my inner hippie chick.

Ooh.

I never thought you could get
that reaction from a tuning fork.

Ooh!

Ooh.

And surf's up in Sydney.

Beautiful dismount, fantastic!

Or is it down?

Welcome back to my wonderful
adventure in Oz.

I'm on a walkabout
along the east coast

before travelling across the country

to meet me ship later in the week.

The fabulous Gold Coast,

a stunning beach
and a surfers' paradise.

That's its actual name, you know.

It's perfect for getting
the sun on your back,

feeling the sand between your toes

and holding one of these
under your arm.

Here I am.

GIGGLING

Hey, trust me, they're heavier
than they look.

Here I am

in surfers' paradise.

I'm going surfing.

THUNDER CRACKS

What do you mean the
weather's on the turn?

THUNDER

Can't we not do it?

Oh.

Go somewhere else then.

Yep, 300 days of sunshine each year,

I turn up and it's like a wet
Wednesday in Wakey.

Good thing there's lots of
other things to do here,

even if they are a bit...

..unusual.

Oh, blimey, look at this.

That's pretty scary stuff.

I'm at an age now where, you know...

..the bladder's not very good,

so anything could happen in there,
really.

I won't even mention wind.

There's lots of it at this
indoor skydiving centre,

where you can experience what it's
like to free-fall from 14,000 feet.

Frightens the pants off me.

But there are compensations.

If you know what I mean.

Hello. How are you doing, Jane?
I'm really well, how are you?

Vincent, nice to meet you.
Hello, Vincent.

Are you going to teach me
how to skydive?

Yes, I'll be taking you in there,
keeping you safe,
making sure you're OK in there.

Are you excited to go? Yeah.

Well, I did come out this morning
expecting to wear a bikini,

but maybe this is better
for all of us, eh?

I love a jumpsuit.

Am I rocking it, baby? Am I?

Right, guys, come on through,
have a seat.

Around 40 quid it costs for one
of these standard flights,

but if you fancy
going right to the top,

the price gets a bit higher too.

You always get to this point

and you always want to go
to the toilet.

Every time. Too late now, though.

All right, Jane,
were going to start with... You.

Oh, great!

That's just what I needed to hear.

Oh, hang on,
there's something not right here.

MUSIC SLOWS DOWN

Yeah, I can't,
it's the breathing I can't do.

Yeah.

I'm...I'm actually shaking.

I couldn't breathe.

Well, that were pretty intense.

Mind you, I'm not giving up,

not with these
hunky instructors around.

They're giving me a full-face
helmet

to help me breathing.

I feel like Evil Knievel.

Hey up.

INAUDIBLE

Right, here we go again.

This is just something else.

I'm so pleased I had another go.

I'm even more pleased
I didn't have a drink last night.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

That was...

..amazing.

When he got hold of me I thought,
"He can do what he wants, really."

And he just took me up and down

and spinning and I was like, "Yeah,

"I'm flying like Peter Pan."

And as soon as I asked for this
with the visor on

I was absolutely fine.

So, if you're going to have a
problem stop and say,

"I'm uncomfortable with something."

Because now I could go back in there
and do it all day.

It were absolutely brilliant.

Oh, I think I'm in love.

Day three and I've
gone for a 90-minute drive inland

to a village like no other.

If you're backpacking
round Oz like me - leave it -

then you have to come to Nimbin.

If you're into karma,
chakras and crystals,

then this is the place for you.

I'm going to release
my inner spirit.

Oh, yeah, come on.

It's fair to say there's a
more free and easy way of life here.

And, yes, I have dressed to fit in.

There's a lot of strange aromas
around here.

It's, er, it's very hippiefied...

..which is fab.

You will never see another
place like Nimbin in your life.

It all started from a festival
that was here in 1973

and people just didn't leave.

They just set up camp

and, er, and we have Nimbin,

which I think is a really, really

fantastic thing to do.

The Aquarius Festival
was an arts and music event

celebrating
counterculture as a response

to Australia's involvement
in the Vietnam war.

It made Nimbin the centre
of the country's hippie movement

and home to people with
alternative ideas.

And when they get that feeling,

they want natural healing.

Medical cannabis.

Given the strong smell in the air,

I'd definitely say
this is the high street!

Now, I'm going to go into
this apothe...

How do you say it?
..apothecary, which is a chemist,

because I need to get over jet lag

because I can't sleep,

so I'm just going to go in and see
if she can help me out.

Hello? Hello. Hello there.
How are you?

I'm really, really well, apart
from sleep deprivation. OK.

Have you got anything that can
make me sleep? OK.

What I would recommend is
the restful sleep mix that we do.

Yeah, restful sleep would be good.

Yeah, no problem.

This place has been selling
homoeopathic remedies

for nearly 30 years.

Should have got the hang of it
by now, then.

So, what are you putting in this,
then?

So, this mix that I'm doing for you
has got valerian,

which is good for muscle relaxation.

It's got chamomile,
which is relaxing,

and then lemon balm, passion flower
and skullcap to help you get into
restful sleep.

Good.

It's very complex getting to
sleep... Yeah.

So if you're out of whack,

then it's not going to help.

My whack is definitely out.

Don't worry, we get lots of people
with their whack out!

Well, I reckon she's got some
Yorkshire in her blood.

Right now, though, I need someone
with magic in their fingers.

An alternative therapist

who can separate
me ying from me yang,

and relax me with something called
sound healing.

Gillian? Yes.

Hello, I'm Jane.
Really nice to meet you. You too.

Can you sort me chakras?

Yeah, I think I can give it a go.

Just jump up here?
Yeah, thanks. Thank you.

Oh, it's a bit higher
than I thought.

Oh!

Excuse my leg.

Good start.

Just take a nice deep breath.
Deep breaths?

Start to relax.

HIGH PITCHED CHIME

The chimes produce different notes
and sound waves

and it's these musical vibrations
that heal your body and mind...

..apparently.

This is going to help me
feel better

and maybe not so old?

THEY LAUGH

I can only do so much.
All right, thank you.

You're not a miracle worker.

This actually feels great.

Even if I do feel like a xylophone.

Just going to ground you now
with the tuning forks.

Ooh.

That's lovely. There's a vibration
right going up my legs there.

I never thought you could get that
reaction from a tuning fork.

Ooh.

I've got a tuning
fork at home as well.

I might just try different
things with that now.

Ooh! Oh, yeah. That's so good.

SHE SIGHS
Thank you. Thank you so much.

I needed to come here today to get
this sorted out.

And a bit of this sorted out.

And I think I've done it.

Well, thank you, Nimbin, for such
a chilled out day.

Time to leave now and get some
sleep.

Now, if this was a normal trip, I'd
now be boarding a ship to get me to
the next stop.

But this one isn't normal because my
boat is sailing from the opposite
coast.

Rather than fly across the country
direct to meet her,

I'm going to stop off for a day or
so along the way -

in the city that now feels like a
second home.

Well, Sydney, I'm back!

Do you know, it doesn't seem two
minutes since I was climbing that
bridge

and singing on that amazing stage.

But this time I'm here to probe
Sydney a little deeper and this time
in rubber.

Don't worry, it's not one of THEM
programmes.

Because the weather stopped me in
Surfers Paradise,

I'm heading 10 miles up the coast to
Manly Beach.

I'm driving but if you have the
time, the Manly ferry is a fabulous
way to get there.

I'm off to learn how to surf like
an expert...

Morning!

..and dress like one.

Good morning, how are you?
Hi, there.

I'm looking for a wet suit.

I'm thinking more Pamela Anderson,
less Michelin man.

You know, so, can you... Yeah.
..give me something to make me look
absolutely fantastic?

Yeah, I'll show you what you've got.

Is it going to suck me in, if you
know what I mean? A little bit!

Well, you've got to ask, haven't
you?

Well, these ones are good cos
they're nice and thin,

so they're not going to like add too
much thickness onto your own body.
Oh, that's not... Yeah, OK.

So, yeah. I don't want thickness
adding.

Yeah, so those ones are specifically
designed to, like,

make you look good, so, we can try
that one as well! It's that one!

This is rather fabulous.

It's a workout just trying to get it
on.

It's hard work. Ooh!

Bloody heck. I'm exhausted.

How you going in there?

This is like... Shall I just come
out a bit?

Yeah, yeah, show me how you're
going.

This is not the easiest thing I've
ever done in my life.

That fit looks pretty good though.
Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hang on.

SHE STRAINS
Ha!

Just try and wriggle this up and get
your hand through.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, gosh.

Beautiful. Just pop your shoulders
back.

Yeah. Can you hear my bones
cracking?!

I'm choking!

It's up, it's on!

I don't think this is the best look
I've ever had!

So this is the most flattering
you've got?

There's no hope! There's no hope!

I feel like a Teletubby!

OK, so we'll just get you to try
this one on now.

JANE STRAINS

Bloody Nora!

Perfect.

Oh, this one isn't choking me as
much. That's always handy, isn't it?

Yeah, that fits you really well.

Do you think? Yeah.

I'm a beach babe.

Now, this one, I can walk and I can
move and I can bend.

Look at that. I can't touch my toes!

I can breathe in this.

And so the thinner one is definitely
the one for me.

Actually, does my bum look big in
this? I'm sure it'll be fine.

Right, Manly Beach is nearly a mile
long.

It gets nearly 2.5 million visitors
each year

and it's just the place to come when
you're beach-body ready.

BAYWATCH THEME PLAYS

Baywatch...

MUSIC TRAILS OFF

..I think it's more like Crimewatch.

No, I've failed.
Almost there.

I've failed.

SHE SIGHS

I can't do this.

Terrific effort. I'm nearly 40.
Terrific.

Gosh. You OK? Well done, that was
great. Fantastic.

Feel good? Yeah. Oh, look, you've
got a big smile on your face.

This is Steve, by the way. My Manly
surfing instructor.

Position yourself exactly like
this... OK.

..so that the nose stays up out of
the water. OK.

And then it's simply an action like
that.

That's it? That's all you've got to
do, OK?

Right. Ready? Yeah. Let's go.

OK, so... Oh, it's cold!
It's nice and warm, isn't it(!)

Oh, my God, it's cold!

OK, are you ready?

I want you to get on exactly in that
same position we were at. OK.

Whoa! You look fantastic.

Right. OK, are you ready? So
remember what I said. OK.

Right hand drag through the water,
left hand drag through the water.

OK. There you go. Awesome.

That's it. Perfect. That's it,
you're doing well.

Yeah? OK, Jane, turn around.

Turn around? Stop. Yeah. Turn
around. How do I turn around?

Big strokes of the left arm.

There you go, perfect.

Yeah. Nice.

This is harder than I thought.

Hang on a minute. Argh!

Watch out for the rocks, though! Ah!

Shipwrecked! I'm ship... Oh, my God!
I'm sorry.

What are you looking for over here?
Can I have a lifeguard, please?!

HE LAUGHS

I'll tell you what, I'll turn you
around. Yeah. Are you ready? Right.

And go for it. Thank you.

Hard as you can, hard as you can to
the shore. Hard as you can.

SHE SHRIEKS

Beautiful dismount! Fantastic!

Oh, that was great.

Oh, thank you, Steve.
No problem. Absolutely my pleasure.

That's great. You did great.

I'll not try standing up.

I thought that was all going to be a
walk in the park.

You know, a bit of a red costume
moment.

It's a lot harder than you think.

Pamela Anderson has got a lot to
answer for.

Right, cocktails.

Coming up, I get my teeth into
something meaty.

I like a big portion, I do.

And they've sent me to prison.

Gosh, I didn't expect this at all.

It's like the film isn't it,
The Shawshank Redemption? Yeah,
yeah.

Well, I'm back in one of my
favourite cities.

Australia's biggest and one of the
world's most famous.

Five million people call it home.

Three times that pay a visit every
year.

And it's where I've stopped off on
my way to the west coast.

The thing is though, I've done
Sydney in the daytime.

Innit lovely, here?

So I thought I'd get out and get
a taste of it at night at
Woolloomooloo wharf.

That's strong, is that!

Do you know, this is quite
a different experience for me on
this trip

because I'm doing half of it on land
and half of it on the ship.

A lot of packing and unpacking.

But, hey, it'll be worth it.

We're gonna have a great time.

But, you know, I've had a right busy
day and all I fancy today

is not some exotic fish dish, which
I can get here.

I just fancy a pie.

But I'll have me Cosmo first!

Oh, yes. I love my life.

And I'm also very fond of this spot
just round the corner.

Five years ago, I came to this very
place with Ed

and he treated me to pie, mash,
mushy peas and gravy.

And it was one of the best memories
I've ever had.

So I could not come back to Sydney
and not visit this amazing place.

By 'eck he knows how to treat
a girl, my other half.

Harry's Cafe de Wheels has been
serving up mouthwatering beef pies
since the 1930s.

The original owner, Harry Edwards,
was a boxer, whose nickname in the
ring was The Tiger.

So no prizes for guessing the name
of the most famous dish on the menu.

Now, we're no strangers to pie
dinners back in the UK,

let's be honest.

But it's the way they assemble it
here that makes it so special.

I'm meeting one of the owners,
Keith, to see how it's done.

I'm Jane, nice to meet you. Hi,
Jane. Lovely to meet you. You are
right?

Welcome to Harry's. Thank you so
much.

This is such a famous pie shop here,
isn't it?

It's an icon in Sydney and an icon
in Australia.

Now, I'm excited because you get
like a meal, it's a full meal, isn't
it, in one? Oh, absolutely.

You get your mashed potato, you get
your gravy.

You get proper mushy peas. Mushy
peas. Mushy peas! Can I have a look?

Oh, certainly, please. Can I go and
have a look how it's all made?

Let me introduce you to the
restaurant manager. Roland.

Roland. Ah, Roland. You're the boss
man! He is.

He's got some real stories to tell,
has Roland.

So do you get any celebrities come
here?

A lot of celebrities come down.
Yeah? Pamela Anderson.

Pamela Anderson? Oh, we're very
alike, me and Pamela Anderson.

So alike. You've had Elton John as
well? Yeah, Elton John.

He's a bit of a regular. He loves it
here.

Oh, that's good to know.

Because I'm sure he's watching the
show, is Elton.

So, hello, Elton. I'm
here at your favourite pie shop.

But can I come and have a look...
Yeah, for sure. Certainly. Come in.

The recipes remained unchanged
for nearly a century.

The presentation might be a little
bit different tonight though.

Oh, so this is where it all happens,
yeah? This is where everything
happens. OK.

I'll introduce you to The Tiger.
The Tiger?

That's what we're famous for.
Fantastic.

And probably you can construct one.

Shall I do what you're doing then?
Yeah. Follow me.

Right, make way for the domestic
goddess.

A dollop of mash. All right. OK.

That's a big dollop of mash.
Perfect! That's a big dollop!
Perfect.

You get some mushy peas. Oh, mushy
peas.

Or Yorkshire caviar, for the
uninitiated.

I'm getting much bigger portions
than you are! That's all right!

I like a big portion.

And now we grab the gravy. Yeah?
There's a little trick to that.

OK.

Press it down, twist it. Ahh! OK.
There you go, that's The Tiger.

OK, so I take that like that and
then I push that down, yeah?

Push it down, yeah. Oh, dear.

And then that's that. Ohh!
Perfect.

Look at that. That's the best Tiger
I've ever seen. Oh, stop!

THEY LAUGH

Well, praise from Roland definitely
calls for a celebratory slap-up.

Mmm!

Oh, that is so good, isn't it? You
can't beat...

You can't beat pie, mash and mushy
peas with some gravy on it.

I don't care what part of the world
you're in.

There is no taste quite like that.

Rowland, thank you so much for
letting us back here.

No worries, our pleasure.
A pleasure having you here.

And keep up the good work, won't
you? Thank you.

I'm off now to eat my pie. Is that
all right? Enjoy. I will.

See you later. See you. Ta-ra.

Oh, I love a pie!

I've had a lot of fun here tonight.

But to actually come to the other
side of the world,

to taste something that is so homely
to me is just wonderful.

I'm just going to carry on eating
my pie. I hope you don't mind but
it's been a long day andI'm hungry.

My mini break in Sydney has come to
an end all too quickly

cos it's time for the next leg
of me Aussie adventure.

Today, I'm catching a flight from
Sydney Airport to meet my ship

before cruising the west coast of
the country.

My only regret is that I never got
to take a trip like this sooner.

I never did a gap year. I couldn't
afford to do a gap year!

I could not afford to do a gap year.

What I did was I worked my passage.

SHE LAUGHS
To coin a phrase. I...

I went to work on a cruise ship.

And I saw the world, so I did a gap
year but I got paid to do it.

Here we go. Oh, thank you very much.

I've still got jet lag from the last
flight, so who knows how this one's
going to go.

Hello. Thank you. That's it, thank
you.

As the sleep remedy I bought in
Nimbin still hasn't kicked in,

I bought myself a travel pillow.

This is rather fabulous, isn't it?

Here we go, then.

The engines are thrusting.

And I'm going to try and get some
sleep in.

So I think it's one of them that
go round your neck, which will help.

So I think I've just got to blow it
up.

Is that where you blow it?

It's full of lipstick now.
ENGINE NOISE DROWNS SPEECH

It just looks like bagpipes.

What would you do with this?

I don't know how you would use this?

Oh, well, looks like I'll just
have to sit back and enjoy the views
instead.

We're flying 2,000 miles across
the outback

to one of the world's most
isolated cities, Perth.

Then once we land it's a quick drive
to Fremantle,

where me ship's waiting to sail.

We'll be steaming south to our first
port of call - Albany,

before making our way up the coast
to Margaret River.

Then it's a short journey back
to Fremantle,

where I'll pick up my second cruise.

Before I board me ship, I've got
time to explore Fremantle.

Now, I could check out the markets
or hit the beach

but I can do those sort of things
any time.

And today isn't any time, it's
visiting time.

Fremantle is indeed famous for its
docks

but it's also notorious for its cell
blocks.

When they said, "Jane, do you fancy
going behind bars in Fremantle?"

Something tells me it's not to make
myself a pina colada!

Yep, they've sent me to prison.
Fremantle prison.

Thousands of inmates were held
within these walls

from its construction in 1852 to its
closure nearly 140 years later.

It's now reopened as a tourist
attraction,

complete with a guide named Luke,
who's showing me round.

So we're moving into the main cell
block, where all the prisoners were
kept.

Oh, God, it's like being on telly,
isn't it?

Yeah, it's massive, isn't it?

Gosh. I didn't expect this at all.

Wow. It's like the film, isn't it,
The Shawshank Redemption. Yeah,
yeah.

Whoa.

Well, it might look a bit like
a Hollywood film set but there's
nowt glamorous about it.

In 1850, English and Irish convicts
were sent to Fremantle to build the
prison,

before being locked up inside.

It's quite haunting in a way.

Then again, there's something
strangely familiar about it.

When they started constructing, the
metal order from England hadn't
arrived.

So they pulled all the iron off the
transport ships

and they used that to build the
balustrades in here.

So that's why it has a kind of, very
much a nautical feel about it.

It does, doesn't it? Yeah, it feels
like you're in a ship, a big ship.
It really does.

Well, OK, maybe not when you check
out the accommodation.

It can't have been pleasant staying
in these bleak cells

with little space and even less to
do.

But at least one prisoner found
a way to fill the time.

So this cell belonged to a convict
called James Walsh

and he tried to forge a £1 note in
England.

And so they brought him out here and
for some reason they allowed him to
draw on the walls

and to practise his art. Gosh, look,
yeah.

And as you can see, he was extremely
talented. These are all his?

These are all his. Wow.

How wonderful that that is still
here. Yeah.

Wow, amazing.

So much went on here, from hangings
and floggings,

to prisoner riots and escape
attempts.

So now we will take you down into
the tunnels underneath the prison.
Right.

And I'll introduce you to Chris, our
tunnels guide. Hi. Hi.

Really nice to meet you. Thank you
so much.

But even more tales lie beneath.

You're taking me in the tunnels now?
Oh, yes! Oh, right then. Here we go.

Now, apparently to enter this dark
underbelly, a costume change is
called for.

Oh, so glamorous! So I'm dressed as
a ghostbuster.

Yeah, and I hope you're ready, Jane,
because you and me are about to
climb the ladder.

The ladder? The ladder.

The ladder of doom?
The ladder of doom!

SHE GASPS
Oh, my God! That's a long way down!

That's a long way down.

Coming up...

I finally get to board my ship.

I love this bit. Yes! Oh, yes!

And trouble onboard...

This sounds absolutely rubbish!

..as I get lost in transit.

I'm just wondering if you can help
me out. Yes. What can I do?

How do you find your way around the
ship?

I'm inside Fremantle prison.

SHE GASPS
Oh, my God! That's a long way down.

About to descend 20m below the
surface.

Let's go.

It's like scaling the
Angel Of The North from top to toe.

Bloody hell, guys. This is a bit
much, isn't it?

It's a lot harder than I thought.

Good, well done, Jane.

Thank goodness for that!
That's the scariest thing.

And we've barely started the tour
yet.

It has some interesting acoustic
properties. Yeah?

If you give me a nice big hello out
into the wall.

OK. Into this wall? A big voice,
Jane.

Hello!

Do you hear there is no echo? No,
there's nothing. Yeah, it just dies
off.

So your voice gets broken up on the
rough ragged rock and absorbed like
sponge.

But if you were down here screaming
for help, no-one is going to hear
you.

Great! Yeah.

Well, that's comforting. I'd better
behave myself.

Follow me. OK.

Right, it's been a nice life!

These tunnels were dug by the
convicts by hand.

Not to escape this time but to
provide Fremantle's water supply.

The actual floor of the tunnel looks
like this. Gosh, look at that!

But when you shine the light up like
that.

SHE GASPS
Holy cow!

That is frightening! Look at that!

It's a reflection of the ceiling,
it's working like a mirror.

So the water's very clean and very
clear and you get this beautiful
image...

So that's a mirror image of what is
above us? Hmm.

This is really spooky down here.
Spooky, spooky, spooky!

This place is full of surprises.

There's even little rafts down here
if you want to go deeper inside.

Sit down. Right. And then don't fall
in or out of the boat.

Don't fall in or out. Ohh! OK.

That's it. Oh, just to sit down!

Now, Jane, you can just relax. I'm
going to do all the hard work.
Good.

So it'll be like the gondolas of
Venice. Yeah. Oh, I like that.

Except I won't sing.

You can sing to me, love. No, that
would be nice.

If you turn all the lights off
really quickly, you can see just how
dark and quiet it is down here.

It's like a coffin. Yeah, well, I
guess so!

I've never been in a coffin but I...
You imagine this is what it would be
like. Yeah.

So me in there as well? Yeah, you
and me, in a coffin!

HE LAUGHS
Hello, lights on please, lights on.
Yeah.

Like now. That's spooky!

Right, that's enough, where's the
exit?

Are we going down there? Yes.

We're going here. Right, bye.
It's been lovely.

Oh, I'm glad I'm not driving. Now,
Jane, you're in charge of steering
up there. OK. Oh, sorry.

I didn't know I had a job to do.
All right. That's it.

When you're ready, Jane, you can hop
on out. I'll keep the boat nice and
steady.

THEY LAUGH

This is the hardest bit!

All right, how about if I get out...
Oh, no, you've got it?

Look at that. Oh, Jeez. Hang on
a minute!

Oh, steady on.
SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, that's it. All right.

Good.
SHE STRAINS WITH EFFORT

Thank goodness I've made it.

Well, that's my tour of Fremantle
prison done and dusted.

It's been fascinating but I don't
want to be banged up again, abroad
or otherwise.

Time to leave now cos it's time for
the next leg of my Aussie adventure.

And it's all aboard this little
beauty.

This is the Sun Princess and
this noble vessel

is going to take us on the west
coast of Aus.

I can't wait to get on board. Come
on. Come on!

At 15 decks high, this ship has
plenty to keep all 2,000 passengers
busy.

Three pools, a theatre, a spa
and seven restaurants offering food
from all over the world.

There's also a gym,

and, much more importantly for me,
10 bars.

I've got my card.

Hi.

Thank you very much.

I'm on! I'm on! I'm on the ship.

Hello.

There are 1,011 cabins on board,

ranging from affordable ones without
an ocean view,

to more expensive suites.

I've gone middle-of-the-road and got
myself a cabin with a balcony.

We're here.

Look at this.

Oh, I love this bit.

Yes! Oh, yes! Oh, gosh, look.

Oh!
SHE GIGGLES

Oh, it's fabulous.

Oh, I feel like I've got to make it
again now.

I've got a nice net. I love a nice
net.

You can tell these are brand-new
because these have just come out of
a packet

cos they've still got the crease in!
SHE LAUGHS

So that's nice. I've got a balcony.

I've got a nice balcony out there,
which is perfect for having a cup of
tea on.

A cup of coffee on an afternoon.

But of course I won't be sat there
much

because I'll be taking you around
the ship and off on port

to do everything that we always do.

Cabins come with a TV, an en-suite
bathroom

and they've left me a gift, a bottle
of bubbly.

Definitely saw me coming!

And there's another added extra.

This is a very special pillow and
it's called a music pillow.

And you can either plug it into your
own phone

or you can find what you want on
this.

Look at that!

It's an MP3 player for the
technophobes out there.

Music...to my ears.

I can't hear a thing!
SHE LAUGHS

I'll work that out later.

Cos right now it's time to make
the most of that balcony.

Sail away is one of the most
special times on your cruise

because you've finally left
the port,

you're finally on your holidays.

And it's marvellous. Cheers.

Usually, you have a bottle of
champagne with your loved one,

but if you're ought like me,
you like a bottle to yourself.

SHE LAUGHS

Ah!

Take me to Paradise!

It's day two of the cruise,

and we're now steaming south
to our first port of call, Albany.

This country's so big, we won't
actually arrive there

until tomorrow, so sit back, relax,

and follow me and me selfie stick
for a little nose around.

Now, one of the biggest things
on a ship is finding your way.

The atrium is the busiest
part of the ship,

and all of the restaurants
are at the front of the ship...

..apart from
the fine-dining restaurants,

which are all around
the atrium here.

Have you got that?

Restaurants at the front except for
those in the middle. You're welcome!

This ship also has 10 bars,
a spacious lounge,

and some lovely shops.

But as it's more than 850 feet long,

there's a pretty good
chance of losing your way.

Luckily for any cruising novices
who are watching,

I've spent half me life on ships
just like this one,

so you know you can rely on me.

That's the very front of the ship.
At the front...

I don't know what I'm doing here.

Hang on a minute. Is that right?

No, no...

Bear with me.

This sounds absolutely rubbish!

If you head for a lift
and the atrium...

Just keep walking, or ask somebody.

Jane's guided tours -
can't beat them.

Hello. I'm just wondering if you can
help me out.

Yes? What can I do?

How do you find your way
around the ship?

I just ask the first
person that I see,

"Am I going forward or am
I going backwards?"

I love this lady. And what is
your name?

Lydia. Nice to meet you, I'm Jane.
Aren't they big ships?

They are big ships. That's what
makes it so much fun.

Yeah. It is, it is.

But once you find where
you're going, it's wonderful.

Thank you for being so lovely,
Lydia, and I'll see you again.

You're welcome. Thanks a lot.

So, my advice is get lost and
just ask.

You'll find out where you're going.

I hope that makes sense!

When you do find what
you're looking for,

there's loads of fun to be
had on board.

And there's one place in particular
that's very close to my heart.

Now, this is my favourite part
of any ship, and it's the theatre.

And of course, for those of you
who know me well,

this is where I started all
those years ago.

So, I'm going in now to meet
the cast.

Exciting!

These cast members certainly
put the hours in.

Five, six, seven, eight... Two shows
a day, every day, plus rehearsals.

Oh, hello! Sorry, can I interrupt?

Of course you can. Hiya!

Hiya, are you all right?
Yes, love. How are you?

Simon, nice to meet you. Simon.
Hiya. Stephen. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Stephen. You
sound English.

Yep. Northerner. Leeds.

"Leeds!" And...?

Liverpool. Liverpool?!
Yeah. Oh, my God.

But you've got all different people
here from all over the world? Yeah.

Matt, in the back, from Cornwall.

Cornwall? Oh, isn't it lovely,
Cornwall? It is, yeah.

Kelly from Canada.

Oh, Kelly! Hello!

Hi. The little lady in pink. Yeah.

You look very young as well. How old
are you?

I'm 23. 23. Oh, so young.

She's not the youngest, though.

No? Who's the youngest?

Matt. Oh, Matt from Cornwall! You're
the youngest!

How old are you, Matt?

20.
JANE GASPS

Oh, God, to be 20 again on a ship.

Happy days are here again, baby!

LAUGHTER

So, is this a new show you're
putting on?

Yeah, we're learning a new show.

We should hopefully premiere it
maybe in the next week or two.

Oh, fabulous. Well, I'll let you
carry on.

I'll just stand here and... Amazing.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

Out, two, three, four,

cross, turn, out, in, out.

Oh, wow! It really does take
me back.

Enjoy every second of this
time in your life.

One of the best times I ever had
was working on ships.

And I know it's hard work
and there's a lot of shows to do,

and sometimes you get homesick,
but I'm so jealous of you all

for being at this stage in your
life, because honestly,

the world is your oyster.

Come here, I want to hug you all.

ALL: Aww! I love you. I think
you are all amazing.

Thank you so, so much. Thank you.
Aren't you just lovely?

Right, I'm getting emotional now,
so I'm off.

I'm off for a coffee. Right.

LAUGHTER

Next, the big guns are out as
we dock in Albany...

Ah!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my God!

..I'm invited to be in
the driving seat for once...

Maybe don't play with
the little knob.

I'm not going to play with the knob.

Good job. You're a natural.

Welcome back on board my epic
journey down under.

Overnight, we completed
the 386 mile journey

around Australia's southwestern tip

and arrived in the port of Albany.

As one of Australia's oldest
European settlements,

it's rich in history. Perhaps most
famously, it was the city

from which 40,000 troops sailed on
their way to battle in World War I.

Today, they are commemorated
in Albany's Anzac Museum...

Hi, you must be David.
Yes. Hi, Jane.

..where I've booked myself a
private tour.

So, tell me, David,
about the Anzacs.

The Anzacs first were
coined in Gallipoli, in 1914.

It's a combination of the Australian
and New Zealand Army Corps,

and they were known as that all
the way through World War I. Wow.

And it's amazing how you've been
able to retain all the records.

Yeah. Every single person.

And we have to keep things like this
alive and going

for history, don't we? Exactly.

And what we're finding now is
the visitors that are actually

coming to Albany are starting
their Anzac pilgrimage.

They had fathers, they had mothers
in World War II,

but they also had grandfathers and
great uncles in World War I. Yeah.

So, the tradition starts here in
Albany, and then they go off

and explore the world, finding
and discovering

where their ancestors left.
Wow. That's amazing.

Of the 40,000 Anzac troops
who departed from here,

around a third never came
home from battle.

Personal belongings of soldiers are
often passed on through generations,

with some on show here in
the original army barracks.

So, what we have here is
a collection of a soldier

that came to Albany

and then enlisted for mother
country, England,

and then unfortunately,
this person here did not return.

Oh.

But this is all his stuff? Yeah.

What we have here is his war
medals that he received.

He received a
Distinguished Conduct Medal.

Do I have to put these on?

Oh, yeah. If you don't mind.
Oh, eh.

We're custodians of these,

so we obviously want to try
and maintain them

for future generations.

I don't blame you either,
with my grubby fingers.

You don't want that all over
them, do you?

Now, this particular gentleman,
Walter Robins, he left here,

he met a lady, they were
married over in England.

And that's a picture of them
before he went back to the front.

Unfortunately, on this occasion,
he didn't come back,

and she was a widow.

The story goes with her, she
actually then emigrated

to Albany and from there she
actually spent

the remaining of her life living
with his father and mother,

but she never remarried.

Wow. She lived to 92.

The next of kin actually does
receive a memorial penny.

A memorial penny is something that
was actually issued to all

fallen soldiers of the Commonwealth.

Good grief. No rank,
it was just their name.

And this is something that
she treasured. I bet.

She must have really loved
him. Yeah.

Well, when you find your true
love... Yeah.

..it's very hard to move on. It is.
A lot of people don't.

And they look so in love there,
don't they? Yeah.

Ooh. Blimey.

I can only imagine what
the soldiers went through.

Walking in the footsteps of
the Anzac soldiers

is incredibly moving.

This canon, known as The Midday Gun,

used to be fired to let them
know it was 12 noon.

And it still works.

This happens every day, does it?

No, we put it on for special event.

Obviously, visiting cruise ships,

other ceremonies like Anzac Day,
Remembrance Day.

Things like that. OK.

So, it's going to be loud?
It's going to be very loud.

We are using explosives. That's why
we're standing so far back.

Uh-huh. And you'll actually really
enjoy it too. Will I?

Oh, you'll feel it, you'll smell it,
you'll actually hear it.

Oh, God! Yeah.

Ah!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God! And that's the normal
reaction we get -

people laughing, loving it. Oh,
my God! Everyone jumped. Yeah. Gosh.

That's quite a spectacle.
Oh, thanks. Yeah. It really is!

That certainly made me jump.
SHE LAUGHS

It really did.

Today, I've had an insight into
something I had no idea about.

I'm really glad to have looked
around this amazing place.

It's been a poignant day,

and I wouldn't have missed
it for the world.

It's day four of my cruise along
Australia's west coast,

and we're steaming back
towards Fremantle.

But as the dog would say,
it's "ruff" out there -

so rough the captain's had to
abandon our stop at Margaret River,

and I've had to settle for a
chill day on board.

But we can still have a little
peek at how beautiful it is, eh?

There's Skippy.

And there's one of the vineyards
that make up

this delicious wine region.

Now I really wish I could get off.

Anyway, we've made it to Fremantle.

Before heading off for a
second cruise,

I'm getting on a little ship
and heading off to a nearby island.

I've been told it's very peaceful,
although its residents

are a bit, well, wild.

See that? I'm getting on it,
any second.

Well, when it docks, actually.
I'm going to get me ticket.

Because I'm going quokka...
Quokka spotting today.

Whatever they are.

Hi. Hi. I'm here to meet
the quokkas. Here you go.

Thank you very much.
Are they very friendly?

Oh, yes. They'll come right up to
you. Will they? If they like you.

Very cute and very...

Have a wonderful trip on the island.

We will. Thank you. See you later.

Bye.

Yay! Thank you very much.
What are you doing, then?

Just travelling round?
Yeah, we're just...

Yeah, travelling round Australia.

We're on our way, Rottnest Island...

..which actually
means rat's nest in Dutch.

So, its not very enticing, is it?

I want to call it Quokka Island.
I think that's better.

Let's got meet the quokkas.

It takes 45 minutes to get there,

so plenty of time for a natter
with the captain.

Should you not have both hands on
the wheel, or...?

Well, this is just for show, Jane.

So, we've got this one that's
actually steering the boat. Oh.

Oh, that's a bit clever. Sorry, I'll
hold this if you like.

THEY LAUGH
Do I detect an English
accent, there?

Yes, my parents are from Yorkshire.
No! Mmm. Oh, my God.

I can't believe that. Your neck of
the woods. Absolutely. Where about?

Yarm, near Middlesbrough.
Yarm, yeah. Blimey. Yeah.

God, we're everywhere, aren't we?

I know, I know. We spread, don't we?

So, what made you move over here?

The weather.

And a girl. Ah, love. Love.

Love conquers all, you know.
It does.

Oh, Ollie, thanks for letting me
ride with you. Any time.

Would you like to have a drive? No!

Yeah? Go on. I've got a full ship.
Shall I? Yeah.

Ooh, I'm going to drive!

Maybe don't play with
the little knob.

I'm not going to play with the knob.
But you can hold the wheel.

Right, OK. I'll just...

So, that's the island there, OK?
Look at this. Right.

A little bit to the north.

So, turn the wheel to the right
a little bit more. Right, yeah.

Keep going. Keep going
till we start turning.

Good job. You're a natural. Mmm!

You must have been on boats before.

Just a few. Just a few, Ollie.
I've never driven one, though.

Really? Yeah. This is a first.

You've popped your boating
virginity, Jane. I have.

I've done it. I've popped me cork.

Can we say that?

THEY LAUGH

It's nice to be in
the driving seat for once,

but I do prefer being a passenger.

I'm going to meet
little quokkas. Aww!

Yeah, hopefully. If you're lucky.

The quokka selfie, it seems to be
a bit of a phenomenon.

I need a selfie with a quokka,
don't I?

Like Roger. Roger...?

Federer. Oh, has he done it? Yeah,
he's done it.

Hugh Jackman.
SHE GASPS

The Greatest Showman.

Dolly Parton. Wow.

So, they've all been here, then.

I think it's good for your Instagram
followers. Is it? Yeah.

So, if I get a quokka selfie
and put it up...?

It'll go viral. Will it?

So, I might be going viral?

I might go viral!

I have to admit, I haven't got
a clue what that means.

Last time I had something viral,
my throat felt like it were on fire.

I don't fancy going through
that again.

Coming up, I go wild with
my camera...

Hang on, how do you do a selfie?

..and I get back on board...

You beauty!

..to start the second leg of me
cruise up the west cost.

Cheers, everyone.

Rottnest Island.

It attracts over half a million
visitors each year,

all hoping to come face-to-face
with its inhabitants.

But I've got a question,

and luckily, I've also got Rebecca,
my island guide.

So, what is, actually, a quokka?

A quokka is a small type of wallaby
with a short face and rounded ears.

Aww, lovely. Cute.
Yes, very, very cute.

Now, I want somewhere where it's
absolutely chockablock-a-quokka.

Yes. Can you find somewhere?
Absolutely. Let's go.

Let's go and have a look.

Oh, Jane, look. There's one over
there. Do you see it? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

What I'll do is I'll hold back.

I'll just let you go in and just
let them come to you. OK. OK?

WHISPERS: Right, I'm going.

There are no predators on Rottnest,

so these beauts are incredibly tame.

There it is.

This is amazing.

I've got a quokka.

It's lovely. Munching away.

The little joey's come to
see us as well.

Hello.

WHISPERS: They are
the cutest thing ever.

I'm just going to sit on the ground.

Right, time to get what I came for.

WHISPERS: Get a selfie with
me quokka.

Hang on, how do you do a selfie?

SHE LAUGHS

Well, I now know that quokkas are
related to wallabies and not koalas.

But they do have something in common
with those bears I met earlier.

RECORD SCRATCH

I've just realised I'm actually sat
in quokka droppings.

I didn't see where I was sitting.

And I've got white jeans on. Yay!

I've got me picture. I am now known
as the quokka whisperer.

Now, all I need to do
is upload this

to the
Instaweb-of-Facebook-a-gram...

Erm... Hashtag...

..what the heck am I doing?

I don't know how to do this
cos I'm a bit technophobe.

But I've got the picture! Yes!

Right, I'm only a fraction
of the way through my journey in Oz,

but already, this has been a trip
to remember.

From skydiving...

..to almost surfing...
SHE SCREAMS

I've drank cocktails on the coast...

How strong is that?!

..and treated myself to
a taste of home...

Mmm!

..all while meeting some of
the loveliest people

in this loveliest of countries.

My whack is definitely out.

Don't worry, we get lots of people
with their whack out.

THEY LAUGH

Next time...

Woohoohoo!

I'm having my Aussie cake
and eating it.

It's a bit like a Battenberg,
isn't it?

Move over, Crocodile Dundee!

It's pretty scary, but unbelievable.

SHE LAUGHS

SHE SCREAMS

I'll be getting the hump
and the outback...

I'm not that heavy!

..going shopping for a few bits...

Kangaroo scrotum.

..and diving into the unknown.

This is fabulous!

What's not to love
in the land down under?

# Travelling in a fried-out Kombi

# On a hippie trail
Head full of zombie

# I met a strange lady
She made me nervous

# She took me in and
gave me breakfast

# And she said

# Do you come from a
land down under?

# Where women glow and men plunder?

# Can't you hear
Can't you hear the thunder?

# You better run
You better take cover

# Buying bread from a man
in Brussels

# He was six foot four
And full of muscle

# I said, "Do you speak-a
my language?"

# He just smiled
And gave me a vegemite sandwich

# And he said

# I come from a land down under

# Where beer does flow
and men chunder

# Can't you hear
Can't you hear the thunder?

# You better run
You better take cover, yeah

# Living in a land down under

# Where women glow and men plunder

# Can't you hear
Can't you hear the thunder? #

So...

At least me hair's all right.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media