Original subtitles

In order to begin, you must be completely relaxed.

Imagine you are floating in water.

Don't worry if you can't swim.

Relax!

You are simply floating in the ocean.

No, there aren't any sharks.

Relax!

Just listen to the sounds and allow

your body to move accordingly.

Right.

Oh!

I thought meditation was supposed to be relaxing. I'm exhausted!

So, this all-in-one remote is supposed to control everything in the flat,

but all I can get it to do is beep. It's a load of...

Since when have you been into meditation?

Since I got this CD.

The 3 Spirit Guides?

I got it for my birthday, along with this kimono and this card.

It's not your birthday.

I wondered why it was addressed to a different flat.

I'm going on a quest that's gonna sort my life out once and for all.

You're going to the Jobcentre?

No, Matthew, I'm aligning my chakras.

Close your legs, I think one of your chakras just popped out your kimono.

Right! I think I've worked out what this button does. Lamp on!

'You're listening to DJ Ribby! This is Awesome Sauce...'

Urgh. DJ Ribby? My sister listens to him. He's awful!

This tune has got a bass line so large,

you can see the bass from space with your face!

Elementary, my dear, what's-on your radio?

This is!

The brand-new cut from the UK's number one pubstep crew,

who, this week, signed a million-pound contract.

This is Mulled Chisel with Buntage!

Pubstep? Whatever happened to real music? The Beatles... The Stones...

Smash Mouth!

Did you hear that? A million-pound contract!

Bet I could make a tune like that. Tom, you're not a musician.

Yeah, I'm not a dancer, but I launched that new dance craze -

the soap dispenser!

I'm not an economist, but I introduced that new phrase - a fat quid!

What's a fat quid?

Two quid!

And when I'm the UK's number one music act,

I'm gonna be earning loads of fat quids.

You see? That's catchy!

Yeah, so's pubic lice!

I am a musical genius.

Ha!

And a technological genius!

What a load of...

...fucking shit!

? Good morning, good morning! It's great to stay up late!

? Good morning, good morning to you-ah! ?

Ah!

I am so pissed off.

This office used to be cool.

I mean, look at these awards. Most Amazeballs Office 2011!

Sickest Accounts Department 2009!

We've been winning awards like these since 1988,

when we were given a prestigious Cowabunga Commendation.

But I'm afraid we're losing our touch.

So I have fired my "Head of Cool" and I'm looking to appoint a successor.

Rachel?

Ideas on how to make this office relevant again. Go!

All we need to do is put on an event, a happening, a party.

I don't believe it. I know.

That's just off the top of my head. No. That.

I've only sprained my wrist. How d'you do that?

I was playing golf. Andrew bought me lessons, so I had to go.

Another tragic victim of the "Golf War".

Golf?!

Who d'you think you are, Venus Williams?

Not a golfer.

No, no, I can't have a golfer with an arm virus organising my relaunch party.

Oh... No, no, you're going home, Rachel.

And don't come back until you're better...

and cooler.

Matthew?

Are you cool?

No. Oh, shame.

There's a substantial bonus attached to the position.

By which I mean, er, no-one who says they're cool is actually cool.

So, by saying no, it's a cool way of me saying yes.

Sounds like bollocks. I'm listening.

What's groovy nowadays?

Well, er, not the word "groovy" for starters.

Sir, can I just chip in?

Chip in, ha!

I think that's how you got in this mess in the first place!

Rachel, home!

Matthew...

I always thought the way you dressed was ironically shit!

You're my new Head of Cool.

I want a full presentation on this party.

Well, working on presentations is a bit last year, sir.

Yeah, don't push your luck. 2pm. My office.

Mr C, I can't believe you fired me as your Head of Cool.

Hey-ey-ey!

Fuzzy, I told you, your style is just... it's too dated.

Dated? Whoa!

Sit on it!

Hey-ey-ey!

Oh, meditation, what a load of cod's bollocks!

You don't get what you want in life by shutting your eyes

and thinking about it.

Right, I'm here to spend the day with you.

Bloody hell, it works!

That way, even just for the afternoon,

I'll definitely be the coolest person in the room.

Rachel, you can help me out with something.

For the last time, Tom, I am not helping you check for lumps.

No, close your eyes and tell me which one of these songs

you think has the potential to become a number one hit record?

? This song has the potential to become a number one hit record! ?

It's a bit obvious. Number two.

? Ooh, baby, check for lumps! Check for lumps! Check for lumps! ?

No!

Strap yourself in for number three.

? I-E-I-O! ?

? I-E-I-O! ?

Wow!

That wasn't me!

? I-E-I-O! ?

I think we've found our killer vocal.

? I-E-I-O! ?

This must be the fantastical world of my subconscious.

It's beyond my wildest dreams.

Greetings, traveller.

I am the first of your three spirit guides.

A talking lizard?

You look familiar.

Obviously!

Reptile House, Whipsnade Zoo, 1995?

Forget it!

You know, when most people meditate, they transport themselves

to a beach, or a mountain top, not their own flat,

with a slightly larger DVD collection.

And... a smoothie maker!

Each guide will teach you one lesson.

Mine is about achieving freedom.

Look deep into the orb of enlightenment.

Oh, my God!

The Shawshank Redemption.

But I'm your spirit guide!

Of course, you're here to help me.

Make me a smoothie, would you?

And the great thing is, because you're blindfolded,

you've got no idea where the donkey's tail should be. Ha!

Matthew, are you sure you're up to this role?

Of course, sir, I'm bad.

At school, I was in a rap group.

? All things bright and beautiful!

? All creatures great and small!

? All things wise and wonderful

? The Lord God made them all!

? Muthafuckers! ?

Matthew, if you want that bonus, you'd better make this party

the coolest thing since I started ending my text messages

"hashtag just saying".

'I'm Ribby. This is Awesome Sauce.

'Clickety the gizbo above me nog to earhole me showload!'

? I-E-I-O! ?

Let's have a listen.

? I-E-I-O!

? I-E-I-O! ?

Rachel, that's great!

Where d'you learn to do that?

I had a pretty crazy summer back in 2010. Picked up mad skillz.

Superclub in Ibiza?

Computer club in Watford.

The next step is getting this out into the world.

The public need to hear this. You're right.

Oi, Steve!

Listen to this!

No, Tom!

We upload it online and then send a link to DJ Ribby.

Ah!

If he likes it then he'll play it on his show.

Oh! We'll need a band name.

I'm way ahead of you.

I've focus-grouped this and come up with the perfect name.

The Horny Perverts!

I think it sends out the wrong message.

Oh. I'll tell the focus group.

Oi, Steve!

She didn't go for it!

We need something that explains why our lead singer looks like a hairy monk.

Hairy Monk!

Yo! Ribby!

Set your lobes to implode, because...

Hairy Monk are about to chant your pants off.

Kick it!

We'll earn a million quid.

That's 500,000 fat quid!

Matthew!

Last chance. If you can't prove to me you're up to this,

I'll give Head of Cool to Margaret in HR.

And she's learned to speak Klingon!

How's progress?

It's well rubs.

Well rubs?

Yeah, I've had Ribby's show on lockdown all afternoon, but no diggity.

I ain't even got an ounce of bounce.

I may as well just jack this whole ting in the mipsy!

Matthew...

I didn't understand a word you just said, which can only mean one thing.

You're becoming cool by osmosis!

Cool by Osmosis is my faveballs rave digga anthem.

Ribby's got it on rotation bare long!

It's working!

It is! I'm cool!

Huzzah!

I mean... whatevs.

So you are the man to host this party!

We must work fast. Let's hit the town. We both need a makeover.

These vouchers have got our names written all over them!

Marks and Sparks, here we come!

Aw... that was brilliant!

Right, you've watched The Shawshank Redemption.

Now my lesson can begin.

You must have so many questions. Yeah.

How did he get the poster back on the wall?

No, focus!

I'm here to teach you about achieving freedom.

Like in the film.

"Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free."

Actually, that's better than what the orb could've taught you.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but you've passed your first lesson.

Mamma mia!

I knew you'd be pleased. No!

We've got the DVD of Mamma Mia!

Pierce Brosnan's finest hour.

Get out!

I think he's coming out of his trance. Quick, take the picture!

That's the band photo sorted.

Get his costume off. But it's Brosnan singing!

Speaking of singing, while you were meditating, Ben,

you were doing some pretty impressive chanting.

Do you think you could give us a repeat performance?

Was I? What did it sound like?

Something like this?

No.

Suit yourself.

I'm off to my room for a massive wank.

Shouldn't have said that out loud.

There is no way that I'm having him in the band.

Yeah, but when he meditates, he sings like an angel.

But when he doesn't, he sounds like Tarzan getting his dick torn off!

Let's not tell him.

But when he's in his trance, he's in our band.

Oh!

Oh! Ribby's replied to our message!

Quick, turn the radio on!

'Ou're listening to Ribby. Hey, giz-uys!'

How's about a world-global exclusive?

This choon has been all over the net,

but remember where you heard it second.

I give you Hairy Monk

with Remote Control! Yeah!

I can't believe your e-mail to Ribby worked!

All that "explode ya lobes, you bell-end" stuff!

I didn't think anyone actually spoke like that.

Wickedy-wow-wow!

What is this slamming choon? Turn this shiz up! It's off the hiz-ook!

OK, who are you and what have you done with my brother?

Rachel, it's me - Matty Boom Batty!

The sickest member of the family - and I'm not talking about my asthma!

Oo-a, oo-a!

The main question is, who is this?

Well, actually, Matthew, the really cool thing about this is...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Don't step to me about cool.

I eat, sleep and breathe cool.

You go get a dictionary, look up the word "cool",

I'll call you a nerd for having a dictionary.

I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my main dude Ribby!

'Hat was Remote Control by Hairy Monk.'

Hairy Monk? That is swag! I'm off to down their load.

It's from Ribby!

He wants us to play a gig he's DJ-ing tomorrow at a secret location!

Oh, to think Carabine sent me home for not being cool enough.

I wish he could see me now!

It's Carabine!

That's always happening in this house.

Matterhorn!

? Oh, Carabina! ?

Let's hit the pubs and clubs of this crazy town.

Bit of research for tomorrow night's party.

You're hosting a party? But that was my idea!

Yes, but all I'm "hashtag just saying"

is that now it's being hosted by someone who actually knows what's what.

Oh...

Did you sort those pills for tonight?

Vitamin C.

Chewable! Aw!

Hold me close, oh, tiny dancer!

OK, merchandise check list.

Hairy Monk T-shirt.

Hairy Monk hairy mink.

Bootleg bootleg.

Rachel!

What, you're downstairs in the cab with Ribby?

I'll be down in a fat minute.

Two minutes!

Come on! My toast!

You need to start meditating right now.

I'm not ready yet!

First I have to imagine I'm floating in the ocean.

Done!

Have a good trip!

? I-E-I-O! ?

Greetings! Agh!

I am your second spirit guide.

My lesson is about taking control of your subconscious.

Hang on, where's the massive DVD collection?

Where's the smoothie maker?

I have hidden them so that you might concentrate more on the lesson.

But this is my subconscious.

I can just imagine them and they'll reappear.

See?

If I wanted to, I could do this...

Why would you want to do that?

I...don't... know.

It appears I've underestimated you.

You've taken control of your subconscious.

You've completed the second lesson.

Next, you must travel to your third spirit guide.

He will teach you self-love.

Self-love?

I'm already pretty good at that.

You must be too, with eight hands!

Now...

before I return to the mystical realm of the spirits...

Yes?

Please take this dildo off my head.

Of course!

What's wrong with you?!

Right...

if I'm going to travel to meet my final spirit guide,

I need to focus.

I can't get distract...

Oh! Titanic!

Brilliant!

? I-E-I-O! ?

I'm doing it!

I'm travelling to meet my third spirit guide!

Ah, I'll miss the end of Titanic!

I'll never find out what happens when they get to America.

I can't see a thing!

Why do I have to carry all this merch?!

Quit complaining! I had to carry the lead singer!

? I-E-I... ? Eugh!

Ooh, DJ Ribby has arrived, albeit by the fire exit,

but I wanted to keep you guys a surprise!

The party chiefs are gonna flip their lids when they see Hairy Monk are in the place.

Nail this and you'll have a number one on your hands.

And the last time I gave that bit of advice

was to a little band called Smash Mouth, and look at them now!

Ribby, I have gotta say, I am such a big fan.

I used to listen to you on Radio Twin Counties

when you were doing the breakfast show.

God, that must have been... ten years ago now.

Ten years ago?!

That can't have been me! I'm 25!

I bet this is so much cooler than Matthew's rubbish party.

Cara-booze-hound! MDMA-tthew!

Oh, I'm loving the office's new vibe!

It's unrecognisable!

And I've booked the hottest DJ around.

You're listening to Ribby

and lookin' at him!

I'm about to drop a Ribby exclusive.

We're webcasting live the first ever gig from the hottest crew around.

Well, I've gotta hand it to you, M-Bop, you've really done it.

If this crew are as wickedy-wickedy-wac as that delightful young man says they are,

then this office is once again cool and you are definitely getting that pay rise.

Get ready to slam dunk with Hairy Monk!

Rachel?!

Oh, this is perfect!

This is a disaster!

This is the future!

We are Hairy Monk and we are here to push your buttons!

Finally, a spirit guide who looks like he can actually teach me something.

Dude, you are absolutely nailing these lessons.

Cheers, dude. The final lesson you have to learn is...

Self-love? Yes!

How did you know I was gonna say that?

You're brilliant!

I know. You're brilliant too. You're a great teacher.

You're a great student.

It's fun to be taught by you.

It's fun to teach you.

I love you!

And I love...

spending time with you.

Well, for the sake of maintaining a proper student-teacher relationship,

I think we'll end the lesson there.

You've achieved self-love.

You've passed.

Brilliant!

It's not that simple.

There is a final challenge.

A test to prove that you've truly understood

everything you've learnt so far.

Ah! A final challenge?

We are in a completely sealed room.

No windows, no doors.

You must achieve... freedom.

This might take some time, but...

through controlling your subconscious and self-love, you can...

What's that poster doing on the wall?

Done it! Oh, yeah.

Nice work!

Do me a favour. Stick it back on the wall when I'm done, would you?

Hell of a guy.

Ah...

Well, I'm off for a massive wank!

'Massive wank! Massive wank! Massive wank!'

What's happening?

Keep chanting!

Don't worry, Rachel. I'll cover.

? Oh, baby, check for lumps! Check for lumps! It might be mumps! ?

Remote control solo!

Well, that was...

...fucking shit!

I'm sorry the party wasn't a success, sir.

That's OK.

I think it's taught us all a valuable lesson.

Yes. Fashions are transitory.

The best way to be cool is just to be yourself.

What? No, no.

It's taught us that you are useless!

I should never have listened to myself when I listened to you.

Rachel, I need you back.

Thanks, sir.

Sorry, boys, but I'm breaking up the band.

Breaking up the band? But that'll mean breaking up the band!

Yeah! I've only just found out I'm in it.

Hey, do you fancy joining The Horny Perverts?

I don't know what that is.

But sign me up!

Yo! Mr C!

Ooh!

Hey, Fuzzy! Welcome back, my reinstated Head of Cool.

Hey-ey-ey!

Smash Mouth, anyone?

I'm 48!

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