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- Booger!

- If this ain't the cheese.

I wonder where we are, Ben?

- I don't know,

that sign over yonder says Matterhorn Switch.

- I hope it's in walking distance.

- It damn sight better be.

- Then what Ben?

- Trust in human nature, Booger.

I'll think of something.

- Let's hear it for the roughriders.

- Oh look!

Some nice gentleman bought us some beers.

Thank you so much.

- Don't mind if a do.

All right, everybody ante up.

- Too rich for me, I'm just gonna watch.

- Excuse me.

Would you excuse me?

- Yeah.

Busy?

- Yes sir, this looks like my night, gents.

Yesiree, dealer bets 10.

- I'll call that 10.

- Excuse me Mister, I dropped my hat.

- Well, of all the damn nerve.

You little worm.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

- Nothing.

- Sneaking and free looks?

You damn pervert.

- Oh, leave him alone Velma.

He ain't looked at nothing

every other guy in the whole county ain't already seen.

- I didn't say that.

- Oh, come on Velma, I said let go of him.

- Hal, get him another drink.

You can't blame a guy for trying, can you?

- My looking glass, my looking glass.

- It serves you right.

Trying to sneak a peek under Miss Velma's skirt.

Of all the low down rotten, stinking,

can you imagine? - Break it up boys.

Don't let the celebration get out of hand.

Now, there's no harm done here.

So let's get on with the game, huh?

You got to give these fellows back some of their money.

Drinks all around.

- Well, I guess a couple more hands

kind of wind down the evening wouldn't hurt anybody.

I hope.

- Winning's a big pleasure.

- Looks like somebody dropped their mirror,

and broke it.

I expect we ought to play

that last hand again and pass the deal?

Any complaints?

- All right by me.

You know how to play a five card draw, chubby?

- Yes sir.

- Good.

- I'll bet five.

- I call that five.

- Well, I'll raise that five, five more chubby.

- I'll call.

- I'll call.

- Two cards.

- Two cards.

- How about two little goodies?

- How about two little goodies?

One little goodie, two little goodies.

I'll play these.

- I'll bet five.

- Well, I see your bet and I'll raise.

- Okay,

40,

and I'll bump it for you.

- I'm all done.

- Well, I got pretty lucky.

I think I'll just bet at all.

- Gonna bet the whole farm, huh?

Those aces, they start to look

real good in your hand after a while.

What do you got?

- Well, you was right about those aces,

but I got me some eights to go with them.

- Aces and eights.

Dead man's hand.

- Four Queens.

Well, you ain't the worst poker player

I've ever played in my life,

but you're in the top two.

About the same size, both of them, too.

Tell you what, take this and buy something,

as long as it isn't something to eat.

Tell you what,

why don't you try to stick this to your ceiling,

go upstairs and have a whale of a good time with your,

with your friend.

- It wasn't my fault Ben.

- Oh, of course it was, sweet thing.

Come on, come on.

How about you and me go up to my room,

you heard what the man said.

Come on, excuse me, fellows.

- Booger, you owe me one.

- My man.

I knew you was something special

the first time I saw you.

My momma told me how to tell.

That's mama up there.

She said, "Lucinda always look at the size of a man's feet.

- Don't do that.

- When I saw yours, I said,

oh, we're gonna be a real good match.

- Hey, what would you say

to one more romp for old time sake?

- I'd say no.

It's time to get up and pay up, traveling man.

You said yourself that was a real treat.

- Boy it truly was.

But I was hoping now maybe-

- Uh uh.

- I really ought to settle down with a real good man.

I seriously think about it,

And I think you're it.

- Well dumplings,

me, I like you a lot but.

You know, I ain't exactly the marrying kind.

- I paid already.

- Uh uh, a real treat's five bucks extra, buster.

And that's what you owe me.

- Being's you put it like that, and I reckon I do owe you.

But you'll have to wait till I

get a hold of my partner.

Pee on the fire, and call in the dogs, Booger.

This hunt is over.

- Hey, where are you going?

- I got to go and see a man about a bird dog, dumplings.

- I didn't know you knew nothing about bird dogs.

- There's a lot of things about me that you don't know.

- You sleaze.

If you think for one minute

that you're walking out of my place

without paying for the real treat,

you better think again.

Leon!

- Shh.

- That window don't open.

It's nailed shut.

- I got to get out of here.

I can't hardly breathe.

- Don't run out on mem, come on Booger.

- I want my money, mister.

You owe me five bucks.

Well, how much do I owe you?

- Oh, oh no, if you was satisfied, I was real satisfied.

You coming back, aren't you?

- Much obliged.

I'll tell you I ain't one to look a gift-

Thank you.

- You owe me, Leon!

- Come back tonight, won't you?

- Grab him.

- Where are you gentleman going?

- Let me go, let go.

- Hang on to 'em, Leon.

The curly-haired one here tried to dodge his bill.

- I did not, I paid up fair and square,

and you didn't say anything about a real treat being extra.

She didn't.

- Pay up, chiseler.

- I ain't got it, I'm flat busted.

- I'll just take these boots.

They oughta be worth something.

- Hey, they're elk hide Justin's,

they're worth more than five dollars.

Give me my boots back.

- Down the backstairs with them, Leon,

like the rest of the deadbeats.

Get going.

- Watch my head.

- On your way bums.

Don't you ever set foot in my place again,

unless you got money.

- I think we've done been had, ma'am.

These boots ain't worth a damn.

- Son of a bitch.

Don't you ever set foot in my place again.

- Put your clothes on, Ben.

Somebody's liable to see you running around here

half naked and put the law onto you.

- Damn Booger they was good boots.

- Forget about them boots.

- They was elk hide. - Elk's ass.

When we went in there Ben, we was doing a flim flam.

We could have been put in jail,

or maybe even shot.

- And still no call

to leave a feller out of here barefooted.

And I got a half a mind to go back in there

and whoop up on a little ass.

- And I got half a mind to tell you that you're nuts.

I mean it, Ben.

I'm sick and tired of dragging around from pillar to post,

and catching handouts, and working flim flams,

and doing odd jobs for little or no wages,

and sleeping in barns and living by your wits.

- Are you through?

- No, I ain't through,

and living by your wits ain't no living, Ben.

- Well, it ain't all that bad a life, Booger.

I mean, there's all the traveling.

And you couldn't see all this beautiful country

and hold down a regular job.

Besides, them old boots weren't that much anyway.

I was fixing to get me a new pair anyhow.

- How you gonna pay for a new pair of boots, Ben?

We ain't had 40 dollars between us

since you outran the gambler in El Paso last winter.

And just once, I'd love to be able to ride

inside the coach and have a cold beer,

instead of hanging on for dear life,

and eating road dust and waiting for a railroad bull

to come along and knock me loose.

I mean it Ben, I want me a stake,

and I ain't talking about the kind that comes on a cow.

I'm talking about a handful of green.

Are you looking at me?

I'm talking about a handful of greenback dollars.

It's something so I can get me

a little edge on in this world.

- Yeah, and I guess you want

to go to church on Sundays too, huh?

- I might.

- And set up there in the front row

and rub shoulders with all the big shots.

Hell Booger, you ain't cut out for that kind of life.

It'd kill you deader then a Cincinnati pig.

- Well, I ain't in the best of health right now.

My ass is all skinned up,

and my back's out of kilter

from getting kicked out of that damn box car in Las Cruces.

There's gotta be a better way to live than this here, Ben.

And I'm so hungry if I had made some bread,

I'd make me a sandwich,

if I had me some meat.

I mean other people they seem to get along just fine,

living in the big white houses and the picket fences.

- Yes, and the clerk in a dry goods store,

or a-pushing a plow, and smelling mule gas all day,

and a sweating just as much and stinking twice as bad.

And I'll tell you something else, Mister Skaggs,

you got absolutely no call at all

being all riled up like this.

You stand absolutely no chance at all

of making it to the upper crust.

And I'll tell you something else, hoss.

As ugly as you are,

you'd have one a hell of a time

finding a woman would love you

for something besides your money.

- Well, that's all you know.

I still have my money and my boots.

- Five dollars, that ain't no stake.

To do what you want to do,

you'd have to take out a loan at the bank.

- A bank?

- Yes, Booger, a bank.

And I'm reckoning that's just what we'll do,

is march ourselves right over to that bank,

and tell that feller in there that we want-

- Hold on Ben, you got to have what they call

it's called-

- Collateral.

- That's right, and ain't no bank

gonna give us something for nothing.

And we ain't got nothing worth nothing,

but this is a $5 poker chip.

- How about this old chin-buster here.

We gave nearly $25 for this, remember?

And that ain't counting the postage,

and there's real gold in this watch, Booger.

Real gold.

-15, my day, any man interested in getting ahead

would be on the job by now.

It's what made this country.

Grit and punctuality.

- Hold up a minute, Ben.

Hey, have you ever been in a bank before?

- No. - Well, I have.

Tried to cash a check from a man

who had bought a horse from me.

- And what happened?

- Well, they wouldn't give him the money.

They said his check was bad,

but that didn't make no difference.

- Why not?

- It wasn't my horse.

Ben, let's come back tomorrow.

- Tomorrow's Saturday and the bank is closed.

- Well, let's come back on Monday.

- Come on, Booger.

- Business hours don't start till nine o'clock gentlemen.

If you come back then I'm sure we can take care

of whatever business you might-

- We ain't got a lot of time.

- What is this about?

- Here Booger, it was your idea.

You tell him what we want.

- We need,

yeah, we need some money.

What's that noise?

- How the hell should I know,

I've never been in a bank before.

- Ben, I think we just took up bank robbing.

Hold up mister, hold up.

- Can't hear you with that bell ringing.

- Get him, Booger!

- Hold up, we need a ride.

- I can here you there's a bell ringing.

- Hold it!

- There's a bell ringing, I can't hear a word you're saying.

- Stop it.

- Hold it.

- Stop that thing!

- Hold it, I said, hold it.

Get in Booger, get in.

- I told you to stop, that we needed a ride.

- Get this damn thing moving.

- High tail it, mister.

Hey, what are you doing?

- Hey, what'd you do that for?

- Look gentlemen, I'm not asking any questions, okay?

I really don't care what your gentlemen are doing.

You can, you can have my car.

Just hand me my sample cases.

- Hold on a minute.

- Please, Mister.

Give me my sample cases and I'll be on my way.

Oh Lord.

Thank you.

- But you ain't got no coat.

- I appreciate it.

Thank you.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna walk.

I really don't mind walking.

Walk walk, it's good for me.

Oh, excuse me.

My merchandise.

Excuse me.

- Booger, can you drive this contraption?

- Hell no, you know I can't drive.

- Well, if that Fancy Dan can do it, you can do it.

Get your buns up behind that wheel and let's go.

- What do I do first?

- Whatever he was doing, you do.

Let's get the hell out of here.

The other way, Booger, the other way.

Get on the road, Booger.

- Hell Ben, I'm trying.

- Booger!

- Be careful with me automobile won't you, please?

- Booger, you're gonna kill us.

- The damn fool and his toys.

Thaddeus?

Thaddeus?

I told you for the last time,

if you pull that thing again, I'm gonna fry your liver.

Thaddeus, you around here?

- Sheriff, did you catch 'em?

- Turn that damn thing off.

Catch who?

- The two bank bandits.

- Thaddeus, if you're trying to make out

that you've been robbed, it ain't gonna work.

I've been rousted out of my bed enough,

with that bellering doodad you got there,

and I want to warn you,

if you don't get shed of that thing,

there's gonna be a hell to pay.

- But Sheriff, I set it off on purpose this time.

There's two of them.

They surprised me as I was opening the bank.

I almost didn't have time to reach up for the alarm handle.

One of them shoved a shotgun right in my face.

- I'll be damned.

How much money did they get?

- Stop this damn thing, Booger.

- I can't.

- Stop this damn thing.

- I ain't sure I can get it started again, Ben.

I told you couldn't drive the damn thing,

now which way should we go?

- Head for Fort Stockton.

Maybe we catch us a fast freight.

- That way?

- The other way, Booger.

The other way.

Watch that shift Booger!

Keep it on the road.

Why I ever let you drive.

- What do you mean, they didn't get any money?

- Because my new alarm system scared them off.

They just turned tail and ran when it went off,

like any frightened bank robber would.

They even left that money bag behind.

Now are you gonna go after them,

or do I have to wire The Rangers?

- Do no good to wire The Rangers.

- Why not?

- Because day before yesterday

that gully-washer knocked the lines down,

coming and going.

- Well, get it fixed.

- Honest Ben,

I can't see a sign of anybody.

- Well, they probably took a shortcut, Booger.

Hurry up and cut the wire.

We're running out of running room.

- I can't.

- You can't, why?

- I ain't got a knife.

- Here.

Now cut the damn wire Booger,

The Rangers are probably already out after us.

- Which one?

- How in the hell should I know, Booger?

Just cut both of them, and be done with it.

- Okay.

Ben.

You owe me one, Ben.

- You cut the damn wires, Booger.

- You owe me one.

- Anybody here seen Sheriff Catledge.

- Sheriff, if you don't go after

those two thugs right now,

I am gonna have your badge come election day.

- You said yourself that there wasn't any money took.

- There was a robbery, an attempted robbery.

And by damn, you're gonna-

- Excuse me, Sheriff.

Somebody told me how much I find you here.

- Hold tight, Sam.

But if there wasn't any money took,

there wasn't any robbery.

- Excuse me Sheriff, but I have been robbed.

Automobile thieves, with a shotgun.

- Well, Sheriff.

- All right Thaddeus, now you just simmer down.

Even if I was to form a posse,

we haven't got a prayer of catching them thieves.

They'd be long gone by now, don't you know that?

- Thieves?

You mean armed bandits?

Probably murderers.

If you'd seen the steely-eyed look-

We are signing out a warrant, Sheriff Catledge,

and by damn you better.

What do you mean you can't catch up with them?

- If you expect me to go off on horseback

with a posse full of hung over store clerks,

after two desperados,

in an automobile,

and the only automobile in town,

you're barking up the wrong tree, mister.

- Wait a minute, Sheriff.

How about Miss Jesse?

She's got an automobile.

- Miss Jesse's got a lot of things,

but they cost a lot of money.

Yes ma'am, they was two of them.

Robbed Mister Dillman's bank,

and then the stole Sam's new REO.

- Then I don't expect

you'll be coming up the back stairs this weekend

unless you get your money back.

Huh, Thaddeus?

- Well, they didn't actually get any money, Miss Jesse.

I tripped my new electrical alarm system.

The barefoot one had the shotgun,

and when the alarm went off.

- Did you say one of them was barefoot?

Curly hair, heavyset?

Then it must've been the same two that took advantage,

that roughed up a couple of my girls,

and tried to skip out of town with,

hell yes, you can have my automobile, Sheriff.

Leon?

Leon!

- Yes, boss.

- Get the car ready.

Sheriff Catledge is going to need some help.

- Hey Sheriff.

- Stop the caterwauling, Pike.

Come on, there gonna be a hanging.

- Hey, you can't hang a man just for getting a little drunk.

- Save it for the festivities, come on.

- But you can't set me.

- Come on, come on.

Get moving.

- Damn your driving, Booger.

If I had my boots I'd walk.

- If your feet wasn't so small,

you could wear mine.

- That ain't funny, Booger.

If you don't kill us.

- I probably will.

- Follow me.

- Right, right, sir.

- Great balls of fire.

- I hardly had time to get dressed.

- Lucinda, you must remember that this is a business,

and we either collect upfront,

or we collect over their dead bodies.

- Oh.

- And Lucinda,

try not to talk.

- And where in the blazes do you think you're going?

- Swear us in Sheriff, we are going, too.

- It's gonna be too rough out there for you girls.

A woman's place is in a house, a home.

- Since when John?

It's my automobile.

And those two deadbeats took advantage

of poor little Lucinda here.

- No.

- And either we go or nobody goes,

at least not in my automobile.

- It ain't worth it, it never was.

Thaddeus, where's your piece?

- Sheriff, whatever do you mean?

- Every member this posse has got to have a piece.

- I don't know how to,

it's your job to pursue those men, Sheriff.

I don't see why I have to-

- Get your rump in here, Thaddeus.

- Get in.

- Really, Sheriff.

- Get in the car.

- Yes sir.

- Bye! Bye, Elizabeth.

- Take care of yourself now.

- Bye.

- Shut up breathing, Booger, I can't hear nothing.

- I can't shut up breathing,

and still jump this here fool thing up and down, Ben.

Here, you pump a while.

- We ain't got time to change off.

That posse be coming over the Hill any minute.

Just keep pumping.

- Oh my God.

Ben, looky yonder.

- Where'd he come from?

- You reckon he knows something, we don't know, Ben.

- Get the hell out of here.

We ain't gonna be your dinner, get.

He's just resting up there, Booger.

Yeah, we're not gonna be his-

Uh oh.

Maybe we are gonna be his dinner.

Maybe we ought to give ourselves up or something, Ben.

- You go ahead and give yourself up.

If they don't shoot you,

then I'll give myself up.

- Hell, Ben.

That can't be the posse.

The posse'd coming from that way.

Maybe it's the Rangers.

I hear they're dead shots, Ben.

- Well, if that is The Rangers,

they're being careless as hell.

Maybe they don't know who we are yet.

Just act natural, Booger.

We ain't in the jailhouse yet.

Not for awhile, anyways.

Hey, that ain't Rangers, Booger.

Them boys are wearing soldier suits.

That's soldier boys.

Yeah, we're sure glad to see you fellows come along.

We kind of threw a shoe,

in a manner of speaking.

- Looks like you got in troubles, all right.

Real trouble.

We wasn't real sure what was going on down here.

- Yeah, you don't see one of them contraptions

around here very often.

- We've been river riding, looking for bandit signs.

Found some, too.

- Bandits?

Oh yeah, that's probably why we were acting

sort of spooky down here, when y'all came riding up.

We thought you was bandits.

- I expect you fellers be mighty grateful for some help,

were it to come.

- Boy, you ain't a kidding.

- Whereabouts you boys headed?

- Oh, we're heading that way.

- Whereabouts you come from?

Well, we came from back yonder ways.

- Oh yeah, Matterhorn's down there.

Boy they got a cathouse down there, don't they?

- I wouldn't know.

I've never been there.

I mean, I couldn't say.

- There you go, fellers.

Tighter than a watermelon now.

You got plenty of air in there.

That oughta be worth something

to you fellers, don't you think?

- Much obliged.

- I was thinking more like a couple of greenback dollars.

- You gonna have to settle for much obliged.

We're flat busted.

- Oh yeah?

Well, you can't afford to pay,

then you can't have my air.

Bevins.

- Hey, what are you doing?

Stop that.

- I figure a man drive a car like that around,

a fancy car like that around,

you ought to have some cash around.

- Honest boys, we really are broke, honest.

- All right, that tears it.

The fun's over, reach for the sky.

Looks like we're about to join the US Army, Booger.

Start peeling out of them fancy little soldier suits.

Peel them.

- I don't know why we have to be running around

this hot desert chasing after them two-

- Oh Lucinda, if you would do as you were told,

and you were told to collect the money up front,

this wouldn't be happening.

- But Miss Jesse, you know the funny one,

the cute one that talked to you.

Well, he and I are gonna be married,

so I didn't feel it was right to collect money from him,

up front.

- Tell me Lucinda,

what's this guy got that I don't have.

- For one thing, big feet.

- Honest fellers, we was really just funnin' ya.

We didn't mean to make you mad,

nothing like that.

- Yeah, look, I don't want to make any madder but,

but I got to tell you guys something.

Those uniforms, they don't even belong to us.

They belong to United States government.

You're just gonna get yourself in a lot more trouble.

- Trouble?

There's a posse after us,

and we wouldn't be doing this to you

if it wasn't a matter of life or death.

So I just wanted to give you all a fair warning.

- Come on Ben, let's go.

- Beings as y'all was kindly enough

to stop and help a couple of weary travelers out,

that posse that's gonna come in here,

is gonna come in shooting first

and asking them questions later.

If there's anyone left to ask questions to.

Things kinda got out of hand back there in Matterhorn.

We had to leave a couple of folks shot up pretty bad.

- What are you talking about?

- Them two old ladies at the bank.

The ones that wouldn't give us the combination to the safe.

- Oh yeah, them two.

He's telling the truth.

The only description they got here is this automobile here.

We didn't leave any eye witnesses.

- If I was you boys,

I'd be getting that wheel back on this vehicle,

just as quick as I could,

and be getting the hell outta here.

Here Booger, I'll cover 'em.

You pick up them old clothes, let's be gettin'.

- Now you fellers better do what he says.

- Now you boys would be well advised

to try to keep that thing between the ditches.

Come on, Booger.

- You got my finger in there!

- Things are starting to get out of hand, Ben.

I never signed on for all this stealing

and robbing and such.

- Now wait a minute, Booger.

We ain't done anything really bad.

I mean, we ain't hurt anybody have we?

We didn't take any money.

And I guess we took that car,

and these horses, and these clothes, in self-defense.

- We damn sure can't get across the river

in these here soldier suits.

We'll get our asses shot off.

You got a bigger target than I got.

- Look that sign back there at the crossroads

said, Sudro Springs.

Now that's gotta be a ranch or a town or something.

We can get a change of clothes there, come on.

- Hold up Ben, hold up.

Just look back yonder.

That's them soldier boys

- Boy, they sure fixed that wheel in a hurry.

- And who's that?

- That's gotta be the posse.

- A pink posse?

- Well, we got a good jump on 'em.

Let's go.

- What's wrong with that wheel back there?

- I can't hold it,

something's coming loose.

those two poor-

- Lucinda.

Quiet.

- Damn, what have they done to my car?

- Looks to me like they got a busted tire.

I think we got them now.

I wonder what in the hell they're doing

standing around there in their long johns.

- I don't know Sheriff,

but they're waving a white flag.

- We ain't the ones!

- We ain't done nothing.

- Well, what about it gentlemen?

Take a good look.

Are they the ones?

- I can't see from here, Sheriff.

They certainly weren't dressed like that

when they held up the bank.

- We didn't do nothing.

- There were wearing clothes when he stole my automobile,

and that's my REO, that's my REO for sure, Sheriff.

- I never seen them before in my whole life.

That's right.

- We're in the Army, it's them other guys.

- Don't shoot us.

- Wait a minute.

- Honest to God, we ain't the ones

who shot up them two old ladies.

- You guys have got to hear us out now,

we ain't done nothing, we're in the army.

We didn't kill them little old ladies.

- Nobody's told me anything about

two old ladies getting shot.

- Not in my bank, they didn't.

- I'm sorry Sheriff,

those aren't the two fellers who stole my REO,

but that's my REO, all right.

At least, what's left of it.

- We just stopped to help a couple of guys

with a flat tire,

and well the first night we know,

they done level down on us with a shotgun,

threatening to shoot us down like, like dogs.

Ain't that right, Bevins?

- Yes sir, that's right.

They meant it too, Sheriff.

They said that they was gonna kill us.

- Said they murdered two old ladies

in cold blood a ways back.

- Sure as shooting, Sheriff.

We was gonna be next.

- Howdy, Miss Jesse.

You remember us?

Corporal Harkins, 13th Cavalry,

just last week.

You give me a real treat.

She's the one I told you about.

- Yes, I've seen these two, Sheriff.

They're Army.

- Okay, you can put your hands down.

On second thought, put 'em up.

You're deputized.

- Deputized?

- Yeah, deputized.

- Leon, give them boys one of Miss Jesse's spare tires.

We're gonna need all the help we can get.

And damn it, somebody give that bare ass boy

something to wear there.

- Well, it's just like you said, Booger.

Things could be a lot worse.

We can fill up here on spring water,

and be in Mexico before dark.

- Just in time to get to get shot

by whichever side finds us first.

- Booger, you're a worrier.

You're gonna have to start looking

at the bright side of things.

Soap!

The whole damn creek is full of soap.

- This ain't no time to be taking a bath, Ben.

- I mean it, Booger.

We're a hundred miles from no place

in the middle of nothing,

and the whole damn creek is full of soap.

- It is soap.

- Soap in the damn creek.

bound to be clear water upstream, come on.

- Hell Booger,

that's just a couple of fellers doing their wash.

- Where the hell are we, Ben?

- I don't know Booger,

but I hope this is the road to Mexico.

- They don't look like Mexicans to me.

- Buenos Dias.

El rodo Mexico.

- Ben, they don't talk like Mexicans.

- Is this the road to Sudro Springs?

- The river, which way's the river.

- Which way is it?

This way, or that way?

- Ben, you're scaring the horses.

You're scaring the horses.

- We don't want any trouble.

Hold it, stop that.

Ah hell, let's get out of here.

- By God boys, they're headed for the river.

Jesus Christ Bevins, hold on.

- Whoa Ben.

Looky yonder, Ben.

What in the world's going on now?

- Give it all you got now, we'll be out of here.

- I don't know, Booger.

But it don't look like there's any other way around.

- Hold it, hold it, hold it.

All right.

One more good shove and we'll have her, men.

Okay, once more with all you got now.

Ready? Heave!

Hold it, hold it.

If I ask you to put your back into it,

we'd have had it out of here and back on the road.

You men, come down here and lend us a hand.

You two on the horses.

Get down here on the double.

- What are we gonna do?

- Well, hell Booger,

you got the stripes.

Just act natural, we'll ride on through.

- Act natural?

Hell, that's the real Army down there, Ben.

- Look at that feller flapping his arms.

They can't even keep their truck on the road, Booger.

Let's go.

- Hold it men, hold it.

Don't you men see that we need some help here?

- I'm sorry Lieutenant, we ain't got time.

- It's Captain, Captain Hazelton.

And what do you mean you don't have time soldier?

- Well, begging the captain's pardon sir.

But me and Booger, I mean me and the Sergeant here,

we got to get on down the road.

- Sergeant?

Just who's in charge here, Corporal.

And button that shirt.

- Oh I am, sir.

And we got special orders

to take a message down to the Springs.

- Well, you're wrong corporal.

I'm in charge here,

and first, you'll lend us a hand with this truck.

And I'm sure your mission isn't a matter of life and death.

- Well, yes sir, it is sir,

in a manner of speaking, it is sir.

- Well, we'll see about that later.

Then we'll all go down to the Springs,

'cause I have orders Corporal,

to set up a signal station and take messages.

Now then, take some of those ropes,

and tie onto the front of that truck.

That is a direct order.

Move it.

- Aye aye, Captain sir.

- Move it.

- Get the pole back under there, men.

- What are we gonna do now?

- We'll just do what the soldier boy says.

Let's don't start any trouble here.

Go ahead and tie on.

- Put the shoulders into it men.

We'll be out of here and back on the road in no time.

Are you a men ready up there?

- Ready as we'll ever be, sir.

- Hey, we can't go riding into the Springs with the Army.

They'll find us out for sure.

We'll just have to play it by ear, Booger.

Stay loose.

- Stay loose my ass.

- All right, get a move on up there, men.

Okay, let's do it by the numbers, guys.

We'll go on four, okay.

All together men, by the numbers.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four!

- Get down, Booger, get down.

- You two, I'll have you court marshaled.

- By God, when we get to Sudro I'll have their hides.

- Leon, be careful with the car.

- Bank robbers.

- They're murderers.

- Horse thieves.

- They murdered two little old ladies, too.

- Hold back there, this is the law.

Leon, put some water in this thing.

- We're following two bank bandits.

- And murderers, there's gonna be a hanging.

- Did anybody else go through here?

Does anybody speak ying-yang

or what the hell they're talking?

Two bank robbers.

Two soldiers.

Two men on horse, giddy up giddy up.

- Miss Jesse.

Miss Jesse.

Real treat.

Real treat.

- They do my laundry.

Who does yours?

- That's enough jabbering and caterwauling and squawking.

Raise your hands.

Oh, to hell with 'em.

You're deputized, get in the other car.

Get in the other car.

- Back there, back in that car, hurry.

- Miss Jesse?

I still gotta go.

- Lucinda.

Grit your teeth.

- By God Booger there's Sudro.

What'd I tell you?

- looks kind of dead to me, Ben.

- We'll just ride on down and find out.

Hello in the house, anybody home?

Anybody home?

- Anybody home? Sing out.

Run bandits, don't come up to 'em.

- Take cover, get down.

- What are you damn fools doing here?

- That was a damn fool stunt to pull.

Them bandits almost had your hide.

Some of Pancho Villa's leftovers.

They call themselves revolutionaries.

I call them bandits.

The sons of bitches had us pinned down here for two days.

Where's the rest of your outfit?

- They ain't no more of us, it's just us two.

- What the Corporal means is, we was sent on ahead.

There's a whole bunch of troopers up the road,

headed this way.

- And there's a posse from Matterhorn,

and they right behind them.

- Well they better hurry and get here,

'cause we're running out of ammunition.

We're out of water during the night,

they knocked down my sluice box to the springs.

They're real.

Looks like you're gonna be here for the duration,

I might as well introduce you around.

I'm Anson Sudro.

That's my wife, Mary,

over there on the table with our little boy, Charlie.

Charlie got hit with a ricochet bullet bullet last night.

I reckon he's gonna be all right, if we can get some help.

That's my oldest boy, Tom, over there,

he's guarding the backside.

That lady back there, that's the widow Quinn.

- Looks like you're holding your own, ma'am.

- Sudro, anybody over there in the box?

- Yep.

Her husband, Mister Quinn.

- Well, I reckon you pretty happy to see us come along.

Well, little lady, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

- Ben.

- Well, I tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna make sure- - Private.

I'm the corporal, and I'm in charge,

and I want to talk to you a minute.

In private, Private.

- Excuse me, ma'am.

- Ben, this ain't no time to get horny,

especially with the widow woman,

that damn posse from Matterhorn,

and those soldiers,

those soldiers are liable to bust in here any minute.

And if they don't, why them banditos out there

gonna knock this place to the ground.

Either way we lose.

- Booger, this place is built like a fort.

We can hold them off in here.

- Yeah, till everybody else who's looking for us,

until they show up and then what?

The firing squad?

Are they gonna put us in jail?

- Well, don't burn your corn bread.

I'll think of something before that happens.

I hope.

- Well just who in the hell do you think you are old man?

- I'm the Brewster County Sheriff,

and I'm ordering you to get that damn truck

off of that damn road out my damn way.

- Well, can't you see that I'm working on it?

What the hell's your hurry anyway?

- Bank robbers,

headed for Sudro Springs in the ,

wearing soldier suits and riding government issue mounts.

- If they'd just stick to chicken stealing

I wouldn't mind it so bad.

- Mason, Charlie's got to have some water.

He's burning up with fever

and I'm afraid to give him anymore of this.

- I'll get it.

I can run down the ditch.

They won't see me before it's too late.

- No no no, you get away from that door.

What makes you think you'd get any farther than I did?

You'd be damn lucky if they only shot in the leg,

like they did me.

- We ain't got that many choices, Pa.

- We'll manage son, we'll manage.

Them troops are on the way, right?

- Yeah, anytime now.

- In the future, keep your damn big feet

off of your momma's bed.

- Their shooting's getting better.

- Hold on, it'll be all right, Charlie.

Just hold on a little while longer, darling.

- Ben, you thought of anything yet?

- No, I'm still thinking on it.

- Hey Sudro,

what's in that shed out there?

- That's where I to keep my coal oil barrel.

I got a bunch of old harness and rope,

and there's dynamite caps, things like that.

- Dynamite caps, where?

- I got nearly a full box sitting there on the floor.

We don't get much call for them.

- Where on the floor?

- Just sitting over there by the door.

- Booger, I'm gonna go out the front

and stir me up some bandits.

You take the government issue rifle of yours,

and you start pumping rounds into that shed

just as fast as you can, and aim low.

We just may start ourselves a little fire.

And if we can get enough smoke going,

maybe we can make it across that yard and up that ditch.

And you can fire a few rounds yourself, it's your shed.

- I'm the only one that knows where them dynamite caps are.

- Ain't hardly enough left of that shed

to start a fire, Ben.

Think of something else.

Hey Ben, what set it off?

- I don't know Booger,

but let's take what's given.

- Ben.

- Well it's now or never.

- You're gonna need these for the water.

- Oh yeah.

The water.

Let's go Booger.

- All right, let's turn 'em out, son.

- This way, Booger.

- Ben, hey, how about the water?

- Wait a minute, Booger.

Take a look at this.

Come on.

That's Mexico, Booger.

All we gotta do is swim for it.

- Ben, we about to be quits as partners,

right here and now.

- We ain't quits, partner.

But by God we're even.

Nobody gets to live forever.

- Here, come on.

- Come on, Booger, come on.

Booger!

- I took one.

- Oh you'll be all right, just take it easy.

- Get me a bucket.

- Get him a bucket, quick.

- I need a bucket, damn it.

Quick!

- What you did,

what you did out there today.

You'll be remembered for this,

I promise you that.

- If it's all the same to you ma'am,

I'd just as soon you forget about the whole thing.

- Yeah, we just as soon not have our names

bandied about ma'am, if you don't mind.

- We got the water.

It's muddy, but it's wet.

I'll take over for a while now, ma'am.

Hey, Charlie's gonna be okay.

Look, look what I brought you, Charlie.

Got you some chicken.

Old boy ain't all in one piece, but he's good.

- I think we really got 'em stirred up out there, now.

Look out there.

Looks like they're running out of patience.

They rigged themselves some kind of ladder.

- Damn, they are making a run at us.

Get the bar.

- Son of a bitch is on the roof.

There's no way to get at him up there.

- Well, he can't get at us either.

- Everybody take cover.

Everybody take cover.

One of them shots is bound to hit somebody.

- You won't get him that way,

that roof's 10 inches thick.

- Booger,

unbar the door.

- Ben, you can't go out there,

you'll get your butt shot off.

- Unbar the door, Booger.

- Ben, you're gonna get yourself killed.

- Booger, just unbar the door, damn it.

Unbar the door.

You got any better ideas?

- Well no but.

- Then unbar the door.

- I told you you were gonna get your butt shot off.

Ben, oh my God.

You done got yourself shot, Ben.

Ben?

You son of a bitch.

All hell's fixing to break loose, Ben.

Here comes the posse.

- Form a service line, men.

- Let's head for the river, Ben.

This'll be our last chance.

- We sure ain't gonna get a better one.

- Hold your fire.

Hold your fire!

- Hold your fire, men.

That's Mexico, but I ain't gonna create

an international accident, incident.

Cease fire, men.

Cease fire, damn it!

Get back up to the store.

- All right Leon, let's just get this thing

back up at the store.

No telling what we might find on the inside.

- Yes, Mister Catledge.

- Thank God, you made it.

They said you was coming,

but we didn't think you was gonna make it in time.

God bless your damn hearts.

- Well, we're mighty glad we did,

even if it was a bit close.

The fact is, that we got here in time.

- Well, you wouldn't have.

Not if it hadn't been for those two brave troopers

that you sent on ahead.

Those men gave up their lives so that we could,

so that we could live.

The bandits must have taken them.

- Ma'am, those men weren't exactly

what you thought they were.

They were-

- Captain, I'm in charge here.

I'll handle this.

And who might you be, ma'am?

- I'm Amanda Quinn.

Missus Richard Quinn, from Rancho Del Carmen.

And thanks to those two heroic troopers,

Mister Sudro and his young son

were the only friendly casualties

that we suffered during this entire encounter.

Now I know those two good men were gravely wounded.

Perhaps you can go and find them.

- Madame those two, those two men-

- Thaddeus shut your mouth.

I believe that we have the distinct honor

of meeting the beautiful daughter

of our state's great and distinguished Senator,

the honorable Ruben Carlisle, huh?

Captain, call this mob to order, pronto, right here.

- Sergeant, form a line right here

in front of his porch, right now.

You in the car, get out and form a line.

- Thaddeus, I expect you to buy me a new parasol.

Leon-

- All right, you heard the Captain.

Two ranks, civilians in the front, move it!

- Excuse me, excuse me.

Don't push.

- Now listen up people.

By the vigorous action you took part in today,

lives were saved,

and through your courage,

and that of the two scouts that we sent ahead,

lives and the property and honor of the state of Texas

have been defended.

I am sure there will be honors,

and rewards, for all who participated.

Do you get my meaning?

- You're right, Sheriff.

I say, hang 'em.

- Shut up, Pike!

The rescue party from Matterhorn,

will be in every newspaper in the nation, with pictures.

The legislature and Congress will bestow honor upon honor.

Hell, there may even be a parade.

And as for your soldiers,

there will be advancement.

Advancement for all.

- Ben?

- What Booger?

- I really can't swim.

- Well you better hold on,

here come the rapids.

Easy Booger.

Hold on, Booger.

Hold it, Booger!

- Read all about it folks in the Houston Post.

Texarkana hatchet murders.

More on the border troubles.

Bandits invade Texas, National Guard called up.

Read all about it.

Now that'll be a nickel, mister.

- Give the man a nickel.

Will you give the man a nickel?

- How come I always have to be

the one to give the man a nickel?

There.

- Thank you.

Border trouble, National Guard called up.

Read all about it.

Read all about it in the Houston Post.

- Good God almighty, Booger.

They're still looking for us.

- Damn right, they're looking for us.

And if you don't keep your mouth shut

they're gonna find us, too.

- No, I mean it's all here in the paper,

the whole thing.

Look here.

The Andrew Carnegie Foundation has added to the reward,

now totaling $5,000,

in hopes the two brave cavalry troopers,

who stood off overwhelming odds, can be found.

- Read some more.

- Through their noble sacrifice,

the lives of five people were saved.

By God Booger, that's us, and that's our reward.

- Yeah, that's our reward.

They want us all right, dead or alive.

Hell Ben, that's just a trap.

- I guess you know more than the paper, huh?

Listen, Brewster County Sheriff, John Catledge,

gave this account of the events.

It is still not known

whether the two as yet unidentified soldiers

survived the battle.

Their bodies were never found.

Booger, I know that if you will hush,

no one has come forward to claim the honors

and the sizable reward.

It's one of the great mysteries of modern times,

according to Missus Richard Quinn,

daughter of the influential Senator Rubin Carlisle,

and survivor of the now famous Battle of Sudro Springs.

By God Booger, we're rich, we're going back.

- Tickets, tickets please.

Could I have your tickets please?

- Well, what'd you do with our tickets?

- Oh oh, the tickets.

I got 'em right here, just a minute.

I ain't got 'em.

You must have 'em.

- Oh, they must be up in the baggage car in our duffel bags.

We're traveling military convalescence passes.

Show him your dog tags, Booger.

- That's very interesting.

But I'm afraid I'll still have to have your tickets.

- Well, I didn't mean to misplace them.

Kind of slipped my mind.

It's just old war wounds, you know.

- We was wounded in the same battle.

- Oh, is that right?

- Folks have taken to calling it

the Battle of Sudro Springs.

- Is that a fact?

- Maybe you read about it in the paper?

- No, I didn't read about that.

- You didn't?

- We're only going as far as new Orleans.

We got a boat to catch.

Hey, when we get off and get our duffel bags,

we'll show you our tickets then.

You'll still be on board, won't you?

- Yes, I'll still be on board.

- Booger!

- Well, you've done it again.

- You all right?

- Yeah, but I'll tell you one thing.

That widow woman was half ready to swoop up on me.

Now that'd be the life.

And I got a good mind to go back,

collect that reward money, and the widow woman.

- Hold on there, Ben.

I'll tell you what, if you go back,

well you going all by yourself,

'cause I ain't going.

That dog won't hunt, and you know it.

First of all, I ain't got me no widow woman.

And second of all,

you'd wind up in jail bigger than hell.

And third of all, I wouldn't have me no partner.

And besides that, things ain't so bad.

I mean, there's all the traveling,

and you said yourself

there's a whole bunch of country out there

for a man to see.

- By God you owe me one.

- All right partner,

I owe you one.

How about Florida, Ben?

Or maybe even Cuba.

Or the Caribbean Islands?

I mean, they don't know anything

about our criminal pasts down there.

And we could probably get jobs.

I'm talking about a real job, Ben.

You ever had a real job?

They got cattle down there?

You know anything about cattle, Ben?