Original subtitles

I don't like you!

In fact you disgust me and most of my audience, am I right?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

VIVIENNE: 'You, you...

'you can that look off your face cos you know what you are, you're scum.

AUDIENCE: 'Yeah!' VIVIENNE: 'You probably think I'm being aggressive. I'm not.

'I'm being honest with you, do you know that? I'm being honest.

'Is it the first time you've ever heard the truth, is it?

'First time anyone's ever told you the truth to your face? You are revolting!

RECORDED VOICE: 12th Floor.

-Hello, darling. -Hello, Jared.

-Are you all right? -I'm just feeling a little tired and a little faint.

It's that lift, it ascends too fast. I've complained to the concierge.

I don't think it's the lift. I think it's my day.

Well, at least we're not going down the mines, as we always say.

After the day I've had, the mine sounds rather attractive.

At least I wouldn't have to think. Manual labour has its attractions.

-I'll pick you up a Davy lamp and a canary tomorrow, darling. -Not funny.

-You just need a little pick-me-up. -No, I think I'll have a shower.

No! You just need a brandy.

Give it a good swirl, it's not an old one.

-Do you smell damp in here? -No, I don't think so.

I can smell damp. What is it when you smell damp?

It's not having a stroke or a heart attack, is it?

No. That's when you smell burning rubber.

-I've never smelt burning rubber. -Well, I'm glad.

I thought we might go to Farook for supper this evening. You love their falafel.

-Will you just sit down and let me tell you about my day? -Of course.

It all started with that awful row this morning.

-You've already apologised. No need to revisit that. -But...

-I forgive you. -Yes, but I don't think you have to, you see.

No, darling, I know I don't have to, I know that, darling.

But I choose to forgive you.

Will you shut up and listen?

It all started this morning, with that awful row we had about the plumbing.

When I was in the shower, suddenly the water went stone cold.

Jesus Christ! Oh, bloody hell!

Have you just turned on the hot tap?

-What, darling? -Did you touch the hot tap? -Er, no.

You always do this when I'm in the shower!

You have a bath or say, "She's in the shower, I'll have a shave!"

No, you shave in the shower, which is why the plughole is clogged up with your stubble!

Come and feel the temperature of this water! Come on, feel.

Go on! Feel it!

Like ice!

-Well, put some more warm water through the mixer. -You try, I tried!

Oh, what have your done, what have you done now?

Jesus Christ.

You're so bloody useless.

-I didn't do anything. -Well, what am I supposed to do now? Everything is your fault!

I mean, I've got to be at work.

I've got a car waiting. I've got only ten minutes. I've got shampoo in my hair.

I've got an interview with the Mail and photos!

If you can find some time in your entirely empty day you might call the plumber.

-Yes, darling. But, today... -Why not do it now?

-Cos I'm working today, darling. -When did you last work?

When did you ever do a day's work since you left BA?

You know Graham's coming round today. We're gonna be developing gameshow formats.

Graham! Graham! What on earth has that saggy- arsed clown ever developed?

I know you don't like him but he's one of my best friends.

The only semblance of an original idea that old queen ever had was his moustache,

and that was a mistake.

-I shall look forward to reading them when I get home. -Who says they're for you?

If you want to earn your fucking keep, they're for me!

I earn my keep every day. I put up with your relentless output.

-What are you going to say? -Nothing, darling.

-Call the plumber. -Yes, I will, darling.

Darling...

VIVIENNE: 'I knew what you were about to do. You were about to ring the bell.

'You wanted to go into our Brief Encounter routine that we use to end arguments.'

The train for Catchworth is now arriving at platform three.

'Trevor Howard was on his way.'

You're not angry with me, are you?

'But I wasn't going to Celia Johnson it for you.

(MUSIC FROM BRIEF ENCOUNTER)

'I was angry, very angry.

'Angry with you, angry with the world.

'But Lorna soon had me looking myself.

You are going to airbrush this?

-There's not much more I can do. -Yes, shouldn't be a problem.

'And then the journalist started firing questions at me as if I was some sort of criminal.'

-What qualifications have you got? -I've no formal qualifications.

But I don't have any phoney diplomas, either.

What qualifications have you got, then?

Three O-levels, two CSEs and a Bronze Life Savers.

My qualifications come from the school of life, that's why people come on my show.

-Privilege doesn't guarantee destiny. -Thank you.

'I wasn't really listening to her.

'All I could really think about was how cross I still was with you, Jared.

'How I resented you sometimes, I suppose, with your day to call your own.'

And to answer your question, no. I'm not the ring mistress of a freak show.

I'm actually doing a public service.

She didn't ask you a question.

I love the picture, thank you.

It's just, um, could you make it a bit smaller and give more room for the article?

It's quite difficult to cover depression and self-esteem in that small space.

Stuff for the meeting?

Yeah, yeah. I'm just doing it now, actually.

I went out last night and got a bit behind.

Can you give me a hand, please, Dionne?

Sorry, I will. But I'm busy.

Just personal stuff for Viv, but I'll be finished in a moment.

Yeah, but don't show me that hand again, all right?

Dionne?

Now...

'The interview seemed relentless. Why should I justify myself?

'I couldn't really concentrate. It's a wonder I made any sense at all.'

What did you learn from the recent incident when one of your guests assaulted you?

I learned about vulnerability.

I learned how vulnerable I was in the face of unpredictable human nature.

-Will they only take them if they're potty trained? -'Suddenly Helena was there.

'Light relief, and that's not something you can often say about Helena.'

Interview here at 12. I've gotta leave, you know?

Get on with the meeting. We've got to, um... I need Viv, now.

Will you send Dionne, for me?

Yeah, Dionne... Dionne. Right.

Where's those incest guest photos now, have you seem 'em?

Coffee!

Yeah. Naomi, right.

Stuff those and iron that. I need my file on my desk for my meeting.

And you, Damien, Omen III, you need to re-park my car.

-Why haven't we started the production meeting? -Cos you weren't here.

Does everything have to fall apart just cos I'm not here?

-You're the producer. -Yes, thank you very much! Very nice to be needed.

Viv wants Dionne... Is that you?

...to come to the production meeting.

And she wants Dionne...

...to go and get her...

...to come to the production meeting.

Apparently she likes you.

Can't think why.

Carol, actually, can you go and get Viv?

-I'm a bit busy, actually. Perhaps... -Do as you're told, Carol.

Go!

I'm cool. I've worked with worse. Have you?

Jonathan?

-Um...wait one minute... -No, no, come on. Come with me.

Get out.

How long will it take and how much will it cost for you to potty-train my child?

-Me? -Yep. I need to get her into this really good nursery.

-Mariella's kids go there. Do you know Mariella? -No.

Well, she's a really good friend of mine. It's a really, really good school.

Look. Notting Hill Nippers.

They take them from six till eight.

-How old is your daughter now? -Two.

-Oh, you mean 6 am until 8 at night? -Yeah.

She needs to be potty-trained.

-So when can you start? -Um...

Oh, come on! I'm not asking for a fucking favour.

VIVENNE: 'Still at the pit face,

'I was trying to tie up the interview with a humble soundbite.'

I mean, if by what I have done, I have saved just one life, I think it's been worth it.

But you just shout at them.

It has been said previously that you are, in fact, just a one-trick pony.

-'What did she say?' -I'm afraid we need Viv, now.

-Oh, I'm so sorry... -Good. Well, thank you, Janey.

Um, send the copy to the office, will you?

Oh, sorry, we don't do that.

How is your husband, Jared?

'What was I to say?' I won't talk about my private life. I'm sorry.

Yes, but he's a kept man, isn't he?

'I now find myself justifying YOU.'

No, he's not a kept man.

In fact, he's working very hard at the moment on quiz formats for me.

Oh! I will master the kerbs.

I will master the kerbs. I will master the kerbs.

We have got to go back to Franco for more lessons.

It's too late anyway, darling. He's gone back to Santa Monica.

Crossing the Embankment is a living nightmare.

We should de-blade next time.

What? And pad across in our socks? Are you insane?

Ooh! I twisted my knee when I skidded on your cappuccino foam at Costa.

Do you want some arnica? It's in the cupboard.

No, I want a bloody gin and tonic.

-(SOUNDS FROM TV) -No, leave it on. You go.

ON TV: You revolt me!

'A one-trick pony. One-trick pony!'

-Am I a one-trick pony, Carol? -No! Good God.

I'm gonna stay here and make some phone calls before the meeting.

(ROUND ROUND BY THE SUGABABES PLAYING)

(PHONE JUST AUDIBLE OVER LOUD MUSIC)

*I don't need no man, got my kicks for free

*Realise the vibe gonna be down low...*

Viv, darling. Turn that down.

How do I turn it down? Where?

Over there, somewhere.

No, darling, you're a compendium of tricks. What, darling?

Well, yes, you see, and now we're working on it.

You can read it when you get home. It's too complicated to explain on the phone.

-Where is it? -Over there somewhere!

Oh, darling, that's sweet of you but you don't need to apologise now, we can do the bell later.

-Oh, is it the mighty Viv? -WILL YOU SHUT UP?!

What, darling?

(MUSIC STOPS)

The plumber... Well, yes, of course, darling, I was here for the plumber.

-(TAPPING) -In fact, he's still here now.

(CLINKING)

He said it was a simple pressure problem, darling.

All right, darling, later, darling. Love you. Bye, bye.

(HE HISSES)

Graham, you're drunk.

We really need to do some work and I have to get in touch with a plumber.

-I'll do it! -No, you will not!

-I'm CORGI registered. Yes. -Are you?

GEORDIE ACCENT: Des Gray, general plumber.

Heartbeat.'92 to '98, the Nick Berry years.

Oh, yes, you were quite good in that.

All right, you do the pipes, I'll write. Touch nothing.

I don't want man who drinks his own piss. That's Vanessa territory.

I do relationships. My guests have made life-changing decisions to come on my show.

They've taken the first steps to turn their whole situation around.

So what's the fucking back-story?

Um... you know, is it the fact that all the fellas are ruining the marriage?

Um...are the kids suicidal

and in care? Come on, give me something here, people.

Are they pregnant? Is the foetus in jeopardy?

What's gonna happen? Is the foetus gonna die?

Let's get the foetus on, film the fucking foetus!

Brilliant. Um... Naomi, um...

Just see if we need the foetus to sign a release form.

Something! Something that Vivienne can work with.

I want transformations, inspirations.

You got yourself into this, you can get yourself out of this.

I'll help you, you know. Straight talking honesty from the heart.

And if they're fat, I want them so fucking fat you have to demolish

the house to crane them into the studio, all right? Give me something!

Give me some jeopardy, people.

Come on, where's the fucking jeopardy?

-Sorry I'm late. -Yeah, well, time's up. What have you got for me, late boy?

I've got, um...

-A for anal stitching. -What?

Right, these guys...

No, please let's, let's just not...

...visit this woman and she sews up their arse.

Will she come on the show? Yeah, yeah, she'll come on.

Have you talked to her?

-Well, no... -She what? She sews up their arse? Pardon, why?

Well, it's like their sexual thing.

Oh, so they can't shit!

Well, they come back about two weeks later to her dungeon and she unstitches them and...

Well, you know, they've got a bit backed up.

Faecal impaction.

She either manually evacuates them or they have an enema.

Sexual pleasure all round. PLEASE let's not go there.

So, one day, someone's sitting there and thinks, "I haven't got much on today, feel a bit bored.

I know, I'll have my arse stitched up!

-This is not a freak show. -(WHISPERS) Since when?

-Are you sure that's it? -(GEORDIE ACCENT) The boiler, aye, that's it.

It's all very hi-tech, isn't it?

Well, her whole system operates on pressure pads.

-What do you think it is? -What normally would've happened is...

Graham, don't do the accent, just concentrate.

Um, well, what normally would've happened is that the whole system

would've drained down so we need to up the pressure.

So, if I turn that valve and hold this one...

WATER GUSHES Quick, where are the tools?

-I don't have any tools. -What are we going to use?

-Well, I've got kitchen utensils. -Um...spoon.

Right, now...

...something like pliers.

-A garlic crusher. -Yes. No! Pickle fork.

We don't have a pickle fork.

You don't have a pickle fork?!

Viv thinks they're common.

I know he wants to stop.

And you will, won't you?

But we just need Viv to give him a good, straight talking to.

VIVIENNE: 'I was looking at the same old stuff.

'The dregs of humanity as show fodder and decoration on the wallpaper that is daytime TV.

'I was angry and all I wanted to do was get back at you, Jared.

'Punish you, hurt you, make you feel small.'

It's not him,

-it's H. -H?

From Steps?

No, I think you'll find it's H for heroin.

Look, I mean we've seen this all before, haven't we?

I just can't do the methadone.

We are trying, but it's hard.

(MIMICS HER ACCENT) Hard, hard...

Then he hits me cos he's aching

- all over and... -He hits you because you're boring.

Fucking hell, I'd hit you...

And it goes on like that for another hour or so.

-(ALL GROAN) -Now, the next one...

No, no!

I can understand getting addicted to heroin but why can't they keep their teeth?

She might be good for the show, do I wanna look at that fucking cat mouth for half an hour?

When I was training to be a clinical psychologist we did a lot of these home visits,

-Here we go. -...some of which were sort of assessments with

..child protection officers.

Fine, um, not helpful. Moving on.

Children taken into care and that sort of thing.

And on one of these visits the door was opened to me by this really,

really small girl about four or five years old.

And she led me into this...

really squalid, damp basement flat...

Hey, Des, he's been anywhere else?

And the smell was over-powering,

of urine.

-Uh. -And crack.

These really wet walls.

And the little girl led me in, she...

she went over and sat quietly next to a baby

who was her brother and was strapped in this car seat.

And his nappy probably hadn't been changed for about a week.

And the back of his head was...

flat...

because he spent all his days in the same position, strapped down in this car seat.

But his sister, she smiled at her brother, and I could see that

her teeth, her little milk teeth were black and chipped.

And she fed...

the baby brother

and then herself from this little tin.

And in the next room...

...I heard these, um,

shouts, thumps, screams.

But she didn't flinch, she just carried on feeding her brother

and what was she singing? She was singing something...

*The wheels on the bus go round and round,

*Round and round, round and round*

And then the thumping stopped,

and the door opened and in walked the mother, and she was...

...she was so young.

But her face was really badly bruised and she had these bite marks on her neck.

And, you know, she was pinned. She'd just...

...been injecting.

But the little boy, his face lit up when he saw his mum.

And she held the children and

she asked me if I wanted some tea.

And on her swollen right cheekbone I could see this...

...little Nike tick-shaped bruise where...

her partner one night had stamped...

on her face because they were withdrawing.

You see, they played this game of sort of violence and relief.

Ritual screaming, beating,

which gave a kind of temporary relief through this...

flood of endorphins. Anyway...

I told her about this women's refuge,

but she said she couldn't deprive him of his kids, and anyway, she loved him.

So I left and the kids were taken into care...

...and then they were split up.

All fostered separately.

You think this is the woman?

No, no. That was 17 years ago.

This, this might be the daughter...

...just that little girl who let me in...

...now playing her own sadomasochistic game with her man,

who is the father that she once knew,

but never had.

VIVIENNE: 'It's incredible how one thing in a day

'can jolt you out of yourself.

'For a second I forgot about you, the journo and the plumbing.

'I had an epiphany.'

That was quite a story.

Makes you think.

Things you've seen and people you've worked with.

Must change you?

Yeah, it does.

Makes you more understanding, I suppose.

Yeah, it can do.

But sometimes, when there are kids involved, it can turn you into a bloody Nazi

and make you want to sterilise the whole bloody lot of them.

(SHE LAUGHS)

-You could have your own show, you know. -Nah, really?

Would you be interested in that?

Well, yeah. I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind.

I love them.

I want them.

Book 'em.

Babe, I...I really don't understand, you know,

like a minute ago you were saying you hate these people.

-Good back-story. -We can get them at each other's throats.

Shut up, you know nothing. Book them. Helena, book 'em.

Come on, we have smackheads on the show the whole time.

This is going nowhere, they repeat themselves...

-Shut up. Listen... -I'm sorry...

You saw what he did.

You all cried, you all cried.

That's what I want. That's what I can get from these people.

That's how I'm going to use them.

-Where's the stopcock? -I don't know!

Graham, for God's sake... it's starting to come through the floor!

Viv's meeting's gonna be finished any minute. I'm a dead man!

I need something smaller than an oyster shucker but not a corkscrew.

A sweet-corn fork?

A sweet-corn fork!

Lady Vyle thinks that a pickle fork is common but a sweet-corn fork ain't? I beg to differ!

-(GUSHING WATER) -Give it here.

We can't keep having miserable, self-pitying smackheads on the show.

Then we will get morbidly obese smackheads or we will get hepatitis smackheads

or smackheads with cancer, and we will film them with their little black-tooth,

-...flat-headed children to make the nation weep. -No, you can't.

The channel won't allow it.

I won't allow it.

It is my fucking show and the channel will do what I want.

Fine.

Naomi! Book the smackheads!

Ow!

You bloody violent bitch! I'll have you for this.

-It was an accident. -It was assault!

I'll sue you for this.

I'll go to the union. You all saw that, you're all witnesses.

You can't do that.

You hit her on the head with your phone.

Yeah, have you seen the size of my phone? It's tiny.

You CAN'T hit people.

I always throw my phone, she knows that.

Is someone gonna go after her, I mean, she said she might sue?

Fuck it. I'll do it. Jesus.

Is that all right?

-Here you are. Hold it there. You hold it. -Thanks.

God, the things that fly around the office!

I mean, it happens, doesn't it? But it's unfortunate that your head was in the way this time?

For fuck's sake, it is tiny, tiny, tiny!

What the fuck is the problem?

You know, I could've thrown this,

-or I could've thrown this... -Now, Helena, sit down.

-No, I haven't got time! -Yes, sit down. SIT!

And good.

-What can I do to make this better? -What?

How can I make this right, Carol?

This is wrong, Viv. She's got away with this too many times.

But now, all right, she's hit the wrong person.

-Because now it's gonna stop. -No, I'm going to make her stop.

-No, I am. She can't treat people like this. -Good.

But do you know what I love about you?

You're tough, aren't you?

Listen, I'm gonna make a stand.

It's not just for me.

It's for all the ones who won't stand up, who can't.

All the runners and secretaries she's hit over the years.

It's for them. I want an apology.

-I'm sorry. -No, from her.

Oh. Yeah, I'll... I'll make her do that. Yes.

-Now? -Yep.

And you're not going to sue?

-Please. -No.

-Good girl. -But she needs help, Viv.

And that's what she has to agree to, in front of everyone, here and now, today.

I think that Jonathan is setting something up outside now.

Would you mind stepping in?

You stay here.

Viv...you want to watch him.

He wants his own show.

Thank you.

Let's kinda talk about feelings.

Who here has felt, at any time in this office, to be bullied?

'Everyone looked so afraid, Jared.

'And do you know,no-one looked more afraid than her?'

My friend, sit down. Thanks for setting it up, but sit down.

Um, I'm going to bring... Helena, I'm going to bring Carol out.

Carol, Carol!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Bump on her head there, a bit of ice on the bump.

How's that feeling now? Has it gone down?

It's gone down a bit. It's quite sore.

Because I think that Helena has got something she wants to say to Carol.

-(MURMURS OF AGREEMENT) -Come on!

-Mm-hm, mm-hm? -Yeah, Um...Yeah, I have actually.

-My phone's broken. -ALL: What?!

Your head broke my phone!

-Wait! I think you've got something to say to Carol. -ALL: C'mon say it.

-(ALL CHANT) Sorry! Sorry! -Say it!

It's easy. Just say it to her.

DES: Say it like you mean it! VIVIENNE: Come on!

(ALL SHOUT)

No, no, no. I'm sorry, everybody. Hold on and stop and think!

Can't you see what's happening here? What are we seeing here?

Look at her.

Let's have a little bit of understanding.

Helena is now the victim and she needs our compassion.

No, you listen, listen, listen.

Her actions, merely cries for help.

Because you see,

the one hurting others is, in fact, the one most in pain.

JONATHAN: No, just, come on.

-She needs your love. -(All MUTTER)

Come and hug her. Come on, let's touch her. Let's all hug her.

Just, just...

JARED: 'So why are you telling me this, darling?'

VIVIENNE: 'Because that was my second aha-moment of the day.

'It'll help you to understand what I'm going to say.

'All day I've been going between anger and guilt, guilt and anger.'

I wanted to tell you that I was sorry.

But you've already apologised on the phone.

But I shouldn't have had to. Don't you see? I shouldn't have blamed myself.

You're not the victim in all this, I am.

Yes, me. I am the victim.

Just like those sad smackheads with their flat-headed children.

Just like Helena. I am the victim.

YOU should've apologised to ME.

You see, sometimes the person doing all the shouting

is actually the one screaming to be understood.

-Oh, I understand. You. -Thank you, Jared.

(SHE SIGHS)

-So how was your day? -Fine.

-The plumber come? -Yes.

-And they're all fixed? -Yes.

-Did you work with Graham? -He had to leave early, he felt ill.

I think we can ring the bell now, don't you, Jared?

(OLD-FASHIONED ACCENT) The train for Catchworth is now approaching platform three.

You're not angry with me, are you, darling?

No, I'm not angry.

I don't think I'm anything, really.

-Just tired. -Forgive me.

-Forgive you for what? -Everything.

For meeting you in the first place.

For taking that piece of grit out of your eye.

For falling in love with you. For bringing you so much misery.

I'll forgive you if you forgive me.

-(CRASH UPSTAIRS) -GRAHAM: Aagh!

Sweet-corn forks aren't just common,

they're fucking useless as well!

Goodnight.

Got a skeleton in your cupboard? A secret lover hidden under the bed?

Or a dead baby buried under the patio?

Ever committed a sin you dare not mention?

Killed, or worse?

Burdened with secrets, yours or somebody else's?

We want to get the real issues out in the open.

I can help you re-open old wounds and feel that pain.

The Vivienne Vyle Show is doing a week-long special...

Secrets And Lies.

Contact us, we'd love to hear from you.