Original subtitles

I don't believe you two, I mean, he's a very lucky man, isn't he?

Because you're agreeing with him.

How many men out there would suddenly like to develop a "sex addiction"

if they knew they could get away with it?

I can't help it, Viv, sex is like my oxygen.

No, you're doing it because she's letting you do it. Isn't that the truth?

He doesn't mean it, Viv, he can't help it.

He's cheating on you! He's sleeping with other women!

Turn your sin into a disease, you'll get away with murder these days.

Half an hour in the Priory and then you're free to commit again.

Therapy's the new capital punishment.

-Hanging's too good for them, my love. -Yeah.

-Oh, my God. -Viv...

What programme is your machine on?

I seem to be on constant Hill Climb.

I mean, I'd need a bloody Sherpa to finish this.

I feel like your brother here, mate, your big brother.

Yeah, yeah!

Smug bastard, isn't he?

Let's hear it for Frank!

I'm getting some of his audience now.

I'm right up his arse in my ratings.

You must be on Easy or something, darling.

-Oh look, you are, look... -No, get off!

Come on, darling, brand-new show, brand-new Vivienne Vyle. Brand Vyle!

(HISSING)

Did you just brand me like a heifer?

Don't do that! I don't like the psst noise.

Go on!

I'm gonna sit on you, you've got a very friendly lap.

-How are you? -I'm fine, thanks.

You've gone all shy cos you're on the telly!

Yes. Do you know the difference between sex and a chicken leg?

-No. -No? D'you want to come on a picnic?

Very good the way he works his audience.

No, darling. He's Vaudeville, he's end-of-pier.

(CHEERING ON TV)

We'll see you next time. I'm Chris Connor, here for you!

Thanks very much, have a great day.

-Who's the man? -You're the man!

See you tomorrow, bye-bye!

Sieg Heil!

When Oprah does that, her audience do that.

-Yes, they do. -Yeah.

-Did you press the button? -Yes, I pressed the button.

-Slow. -RECORDED VOICE: 12th floor.

Oh, here we are.

-What's that joke I do, what's the joke? -Oh, no, darling.

No, the joke, the sheep, interrupting sheep...

Yes, but it's not funny, darling. Jokes are meant to be funny.

Wife Beating to Dying Child?

Got a ring to it, hasn't it?

-Oh, Dying Child, is that today? Oh, God! What's her name? -Kimberley.

Kimberley. How many times has that girl been on the show, still dying!

I tell you what I need, I need her disease, that name of the disease she's got,

written on a card for me this time. What did I call it last time?

-Photosynthesis. -Photosynthesis!

Morning.

I want names of other words for beating, hitting, you know, for this woman.

If I can say slap, slap, slap, slappity bitch up, is that a good term?

-Bitch slapping? -I just want funny words.

What's wrong with her?

She's had some bad news about her sister. You know the actress Jessica De Wend?

-Is that her sister? -Mm.

Really? Cos she's gorgeous. What happened?

She got a big American movie.

What movie?

Oh, some romcom piece of old Jane Austen thingy

remake set in LA,

starring JK Giel-gang gilly-gobble, I don't know.

She hasn't got a baby?

Yes, thank you, Carol.

Useful to know who the father was.

-What? -Look, she is merely an actress.

A very beautiful one, but all the same, I mean,

you run a production company, you know, De Wend Productions.

Think of all the shows you do, you don't just do this on.

Squirrel Watch and Team Fat, yeah. Don't talk to me.

Yeah, but look at your energy. The way you inspire these people!

Viv, you've got that meeting with publicity later.

We're gonna see the new promo!

Come on, darling, I'll get you to America.

I'll be in make-up.

Oh, before I go, can everyone listen?

Today, in the show, probably before dying Kimberley,

I'm just going to go into the audience and just ask them what they think for a moment.

What? I mean, just a little bit of rapport.

You know, like Chris Connor does, like Tyra, like Oprah.

D'you want me to warn them first?

No, that's not funny, not funny.

-I'll be in make-up. -Right, okay, right.

-What did she say? -She's going into the audience.

No, she can't do that, no, fuck! Oh, shit!

Darling, the cushion covers in the dressing room need cleaning.

I spilt my cleanser on them the other day.

Oh, I thought it was the dog, darling. I'll get them sent...

-Stop! -What, what, what? Oh...

-What's wrong, darling? -Are you insane? I mean, why are you...?

-Why is she thinking like this? -I don't know what she's thinking.

English bitch works in the States, babe, don't fuck with the formula.

If it works, you know, do not go near the audience!

What, what, what?!

All I'm thinking is, I might just, you know, bring them in a little.

Include them. Maybe just ask them a few questions.

-No, darling, don't go in there, you might catch something. -Yes, I'm sorry.

Listen! Listen, we are strategising the show, babe, I mean, fuck it!

That is why we are seeing Rosie, you know. English bitch brand, babe.

(HISSING)

Don't make that noise. I do not like it when you make that noise!

I hate it when you make any psst noises.

(WHISPERING)

-Talk to her! -You talk to her!

I mean, before he met her, he was with a lovely girl.

I mean, she could cook even.

And that beautiful girl from Harrow...

But not this one, she's not good enough.

Are you saying she's not good enough for your son?

No-one's good enough for your son.

Yes they are. But not you, you bitch!

-What?! Talk to your mother, Wayne, go on, talk to her. -Come on, Wayne.

She made me lose my baby when she kicked me in the belly!

No, keep her off that, the case hasn't gone to court yet.

Jesus Christ, why wasn't I told about this?

I'd have never have passed these people. This is terribly dangerous.

You said I slept with all them blokes for money and I never!

Oh, so why did you smack him that time then, eh?

Cos your dad smacked me?

No, he's in prison, we can't go there.

There is so much damage there that I think the only thing we can do at this stage

is just to get them to talk to each other

so at least they can live in the same house without killing each other.

No, we're just making telly.

This is not about you, is it, Bev?

Look, I even took the teddy round. I even took...

It's not about who hit who, it's not about how you lost your baby.

It's about who's an adult in this relationship,

Isn't it, ladies and gentlemen?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

You're not an adult. You're not behaving like an adult.

You're not behaving like an adult.

And Wayne, what have you got to say for yourself, hm?

Come on, Wayne, are you just going to sit there smirking?

What have you got to say for yourself?

You're on the Vivienne Vyle Show. I'm gonna have my say for a moment.

In fact, I'm gonna let my audience have a say.

I think she's going in.

I'm sure they'll find you as ridiculous as I do.

The fox is in the hen house! Two stay on her.

Three and four, stay on the guests.

One, five and six, find me shots of the audience enjoying this moment.

What d'you think of them? Hm?

What do you think of...?

What do you think of our guests today?

Cut! Cut round!

-Come on, someone... -Oh, Christ!

-Mother of God! -She's killed the show.

She's killed the bloody show!

That's a lovely blouse.

There, my audience is speechless.

Okay, she's back out. Okay. Two-shot, three...

You disgust me and most of my audience with your behaviour.

What about you, Wayne? Have you got nothing to say? You're not a man are you.

No, no... Empathise, empathy!

Pathetic, Wayne!

No, this is actually slightly more complex.

-Finger on the button. -Oh.

No, it's actually much, much more complex.

These people need psychiatric evaluation.

Shut up, shut up.

-Finger off the button. -Cos I'm going to send you backstage

to have this sorted out with our director of after-care, Dr Jonathan Fowler.

These people aren't booked for after-care.

I'm supposed to go home early today!

I have a clinic. I have very sick people who need to see me.

God, I haven't done my make-up!

You might want to watch the rest of the show because you might learn something!

Because in a moment, we're gonna meet again a very special little friend

of the Vivienne Vyle Show,

Kimberly Walsh.

I wonder how many of you remember her.

Who, despite her many struggles in life

and her terminal illness, she remains cheerful

and thankfully alive and an inspiration to us all. See you after the break.

Okay, so you're, er, clear on why you're here today?

Cos I'm dying.

Oi, Damien? How are you getting her onto the stage?

I'm going to need a ramp, you know.

We need a fucking ramp! Now!

Steady!

I'm dreading that little girl.

I mean, I just don't know if I can make that face any more,

it's not exactly what the new show is about.

Babe, don't worry about the audience thing. We're gonna cut round it.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Oh, shit, that's blown the review!

I know, I'm sorry. I'll get them to go on again, all right?

What, audience? That lot of morons?

Did you see what they were like when I went in there?

They were nervous. They were frightened!

Of what? Of me?

-Yes. -Why?

Oh, yes, why would they be frightened of you?

Cos you're such a lovely, cuddly, soft, warm, cute girlie girl, aren't you?

You walked in amongst them like a shard of ice.

But remember, they love you because you're a...

Psst!

...bitch.

Well, Kimberley, you've been a delightful guest, as ever.

I've got a little present for you.

Something to take away to remind you of us.

We'll see you on the show again, I hope. Will you come back?

-Yes. -Good.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Kimberley on the Vivienne Vyle Show.

What are we waiting for?

I just need to find a quiet room where we can talk about all of this.

Talk about what?!

Oh, look, there she goes again!

What are you talking about?

You just don't shut up all the time!

Well, you're a fine one to talk, "Don't shut up"! Are you joking?!

It's got nothing to do with you, right? At the end of the day, I seriously do not know...

Twat!

...in my face all the time!

What's happened to the other one?

-Who? -The other girl like you, white one, red hair.

I dunno.

-See you next time, Viv, I'm off to do Paul O'Grady. -Marvellous!

ON RADIO: *The minute you walked in the joint

*I could see you were a man of distinction

* A real big spender

* Good looking, so refined

* Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind?

* So let me get right to the point

* I don't pop my cork for every man...*

Turn it off.

Darling, we talked about the audience, didn't we?

Don't go there. What's that?

It's the new dog, darling.

She's trying too hard. We hate dogs.

No, I don't like it, either, darling. Get rid of it, thank you.

(HISSING)

No, I'm sorry darling, I just want to tong your hair.

We're meeting Gerry and Tony in the Ivy. Changed your frock?

No, got a meeting about the promo?

-The promo meeting! -Oh God, yes!

-Come on! -I'm coming, darling.

I thought the dog would be nicer...

-He doesn't do much though, does he? -Mm.

Maybe that's his technique.

Well, isn't that what they do? They get paid to do nothing.

Hmm.

It's only for the insurance, though, isn't it?

So they can say they sat with a psychologist for a few minutes.

Can you just bear with me just one moment, I'll just leave you with that...?

This is not helpful.

Can you please stop staring?

And you, could you...

-Could you go and make me a cup of coffee, please? -No.

So how are they doing with the old psychological? Is there any hope, Doctor?

Well, I've got a woman who's recently lost her baby

and another who was regularly beaten by her husband and a mute.

-So it may take a bit of time. -You've only got 15 minutes till their coach comes.

I'll give you the nod, right?

Listen, when Viv gets here, nobody mention the fiasco.

And will someone get me a fucking coffee?

You explain to me... What it is, right...

When a person gets one bit of success and they suddenly think they're fucking know it all.

-Do you know what that is? -It's called delusions of grandeur.

Would you please leave the room?

Hello? Okay. Helena, it's Maria.

Everything's going to be fine.

Hola. What? The baby what? Found Smarties.

What Smarties, Maria?

Not my bedroom Smarties.

Which Smarties? Which Smarties?

Que Smarties e the baby... Oh, hang on.

(SHOUTING) Fiasco! Total.

-It was the audience. -Oh, yeah, right.

How fucking hard can it be to scrape me up a decent audience?

Just stir up the pond and scoop some more out. Where did you get that lot?

Grow them in Petri dishes, grow me another audience.

One with at least one brain cell between them.

A bad workman blames his tools. Rosie will be here in a minute.

God I really needed this today. Damien, get Viv coffee.

Yeah, Maria, que sweeties?

So let me take your hand, Wayne.

Come on. That's good.

Could you take your mother's hand?

Good. How does that feel?

-It helps. -Okay. You don't have to speak.

Now, where would you like to take that hand?

Okay, Maria. Momento. Yeah.

Now, the last thing we need to do...

Yeah, sorry, just a quick one.

Ecstasy and babies. Is that a problem?

No, it's not a problem. Anyway, what's wrong with a smiley baby?

What do you mean, not a problem?!

You're the problem. What about that time you gave Fendi the shoe polish?

She had black stuff coming out of her nose for weeks!

Now you're saying it ain't a problem. This is the problem!

Um... Go hospital.

Emergencia with baby. A... con... baby...

Bye. Shit, shit, shit!

-You all right? -Yeah, fine.

It's just the nanny is going with the baby just for a check-up to the...hospital.

What has she eaten? Shouldn't you go?

She said she found Smarties.

I can't, I'm too busy. What am I doing?

Kirsty Allsop is still sitting on her contacts.

I've got Vanessa on my tits, Ferne up my arse and I'm pissing Carol Smillie.

I don't keep smarties. I'm so careful. I never have refined sugar in the house.

If you're a media tart, prepared to get eaten, darling.

Hi, darling. Phone. Quickly.

-Who is it we're meeting again? -Rosie Millar from Bluebottle.

Bumblebee, darling. No, she went back to Bluebottle.

-From Bumblebee? -Yes, from Bumblebee.

Right, everybody. Actually, you know everybody.

-This is Viv, obviously. -Hi.

-This is Josh, our creative. -Hello, Josh.

Can we crack on because we have a meeting in half-an-hour at the Ivy with...

-Toni and Guy. -Tom and Jerry. Terry and June.

-Gerry and Tony. -Gerry and Tony.

-Crack on. This is Josh, our creative. -Yes, you said that.

Okay, well, this is our brief.

New market positioning.

Up market.

This is the starting point.

We are working to create a new audience, hence the new you.

We're looking at the expectations behind the brand experience

in order to brand your image onto the minds of our viewers

and hence increase your value. This is Viv.

Wrong one. Viv.

This is Viv as opposed to Vivienne.

Which is why we chose the colours.

We're creating a media icon by positioning,

by dissociation as well as association. Do you see?

Can we just see it? Crack on and play the promo.

Okay, Josh. He's our technical guy. He'll do this.

Shark's teeth.

You'll see the grey squirrels popping about even in parks...

I'm Vivienne Vyle and I'm standing outside my local garage

where mechanics have been conducting...

The wedding. It's Prince Charles to Lady Diana Spencer.

I'm standing here with local SDP candidate David Rumsfield.

I thought you looked wonderful. I thought the glasses were...

-The coat was great and the car was inspirational... -I hate the roller.

The roller doesn't work, Rosie. It just doesn't work.

Okay... you know, how can you hate the promo?

It's not perfect. A few little things. It's all doable.

-You don't really hate it. -I hate it. It's a piece of shit.

It doesn't say anything. It says nothing. It's shit.

-It's shit. It's not me. -I thought this was what we discussed.

It might have been what you two discussed. It wasn't what I discussed.

I think it's got something, you know. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater.

A few tweaks here and there if you're not happy.

I hate the whole thing.

Why do I hate it? What am I trying to say?

Well, with all those old images tumbling around, it felt like an obituary.

-That's brilliant. -You're welcome.

Babe, let's get real here.

Is it because you think it makes you look old?

What? Old? What?

I'd have to say I agree with you.

I don't think it does you any favours.

It's kind of old-fashioned, hokey.

What we can... airbrush. Treat it, you know?

Zush it up a bit. Make it work.

Okay, okay. We do have another idea.

Josh. On you go.

Do the balloon thing.

Right.

A bit more performance orientated.

It's like we're doing it on blue screen but it's a big sparkly studio.

Viv, like, you're looking...glamorous.

Oh, we like that, don't we?

And you're struggling to open a bottle of champagne.

And then it pops and a big balloon comes out for the bubble

and the graphic on the balloon says, "The Vivienne Vyle Show".

And you're holding on to the balloony string

and you're being drifted up and you're pulling like a surprised-ish,

pleased-ish face.

I will never... make that face.

You're fired.

Okay, please yourselves.

Come on, Josh. We'll give it to Jan Leeming. Come on.

-Get Miriam. -Miriam?

-Miriam Schultzman. -Miriam Schultzman?

Is that an olive I've popped in my mouth?

I don't know, I'll have to ask him. Jared, is that an olive?

-Yes. -Is it an olive I popped in my mouth?

-Yes, it is. -Well, it was delicious.

I'll have another one if there's one going but don't put yourself out.

So how is it with you and Viv?

So you're married but are you still gay? What's the story?

You're talking to a man who had his cock removed. Come on, open up.

Me and Ruth popped it in a box and floated it down the Ganges.

They'll do nothing for your cock in the Jewish faith.

-Your foreskin, yes. Your cock, nothing. -Miriam.

-There she is! -At last.

Is it you or is it Aphrodite?

It's Aphrodite, if I'm not mistaken.

-Darling, how are you? -Very well.

The cab cost me 50 quid. Where are you living now the cab cost me 50 quid?

Jared, I gave you the receipt?

-Yes. -50 quid, Aphrodite.

Sorted my darling. You sit down and I'll be with you in a minute.

Before you ask me about Ruth, let me tell you. She's wonderful.

She's like her mother. She's ballooned, she's always ill but she's ballooned.

-Look, darling, I love Mervyn. -Miriam.

Miriam, darling. Obviously, I love Miriam. But he's a freak.

...the pins come out of her hips, she's on the floor like a jellyfish.

I love his clients, I love Joan, Esther, every one he represents.

I love everyone he represents but he's in a bit of a time zone and he is a freak!

-For God's sake, Jared. -Did I tell you she's ballooned?

So what are they doing? What's this Rosie Millar doing at Bluebottle?

Whatever it is, it's not me.

That's because you don't know who you are.

I mean that might be you but it's not her and she isn't you.

Who are we talking about here? You getting my drift?

Miriam, I just want you to take control.

Let's face it, you're inviting us to visit the asylum.

To have a good laugh.

You're saying, I think you should love

your teenage, mutant, gay, midget, fat bastard daughter.

I understand that's the kind of thing.

These are the people of Vivienne Vyle.

The Woolworths, the chat magazines, the KFC brigade.

Walk around Woolworths, they know who you are.

Walk around Harvey Nics, you're anonymous.

That's what you want when you do your shopping but not when you're doing your show.

-There's my cab. It's on account. -It's on account.

Yes, call me a cab on account and I'll do you a strategy.

Don't you worry about anything, darling. Just leave it all to me.

-Remember, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. -Freak!

And all I wanted to do was move you on from Iceland to Selfridges Food Hall.

But if you want to languish there with the Kerry Kakatona

and the Icelanders, be my guest.

I like Miriam. She understands her.

-Who, Miriam? -No, Vivienne.

-Who? -Vivienne.

-You. -No, her!

It's far too complicated to explain. I am Viv.

So, you're like the fucking Queen?

Does she have a second birthday as well?

I've known you far too long for me to say I don't know you,

so do you trust my judgement? Babe, look at me.

-Do you trust my judgement? -No.

See... you've got this psychiatric disorder.

-It's not just me that thinks so. Jonathan. -What?

You say she's got... You, Vivienne, have got delusions of grandeur.

Oh, no. No. I didn't know we were talking about Viv.

I know what I am going to do about me.

Right, yeah. You know, just like you did yesterday.

"Hello, I'm Vivienne Vyle. I'm going to my audience now.

-"My audience that love me. Hello." -Don't you fucking dare!

-Don't you fucking dare do that! -Hello! Oh, I'm backing away now.

Which Vivienne is this that's talking to me?

Is it the one that I've built up and made?

It was just me! Do you know who Vivienne Vyle is?

I am fucking Vivienne Vyle! It's me.

It's just this skin, this hair, this body, this person.

-It's all me! -La-la-la-la!

So I will control where I'm going.

-Where are we now? -This is Slough, darling.

Are these darkened windows?

No, darling that's just the way Slough looks.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's like Eastern Europe.

-Shh! -What? Oh, Oleck.

He doesn't mind.

-He knows what I mean. -Hideous.

Christ.

-So where is Viv? -Can't really say.

If you don't tell me, I'll fire you.

-She's doing a personal appearance. -Where?

-At a Makro. -What's a Makro?

-It's like a Costco. -What's a Costco?

-Like a cash and carry. -What's a cash-and-carry?

-Like a shop. A supermarket. -A sup...

A supermarket?!

My God, that's weird.

They'll eat her alive.

Why am I doing it? Why, why, why?

Yes, I bet you wish you were holding the string of that balloon

-and making that face now, darling. -Yes.

Oh, my God.

VIVIENNE: Miriam had better be right about this.

Remember, these are my people and I love them.

Shit, shit.

Oh, Christ, Jared.

Here we go.

(CROWD SHOUTING)

Don't touch the coat! Don't touch the coat!

I watch all your programmes.

Send in a search party if I'm not out in two days.

I need a drink.

It's body temperature. It's probably piss.

That's what Vivienne loves, darling.

-Oi, Viv, sign my baby's T-shirt. -No, fuck off.

Did you hear what she said? Straight from the heart.

I love you, Viv, I love you!

Thank you. I love you. I love you.

Incest. Have you ever slept with a sibling?

Are you in love with a blood relative?

Do you want to marry your brother or sister?

Right or wrong, we're not here to judge

but how close is safe? You tell us.

The Vivienne Vyle Show's doing a week-long special getting into the family way.

Contact us. We'd love to hear from you.