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1
00:00:13,433 --> 00:00:15,803
(APPLAUSE)
2
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:31,000
(APPLAUSE GETS LOUDER)
3
00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:41,197
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
4
00:00:52,333 --> 00:00:54,033
Right, gum.
5
00:00:55,367 --> 00:00:57,027
Honestly, I can't even
take a piss without
an entourage these days.
6
00:01:00,133 --> 00:01:03,503
-Have you got her?
-Yeah, I'm travelling her now.
7
00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:06,600
Travelling herself. It's her own
show, tell them that.
8
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:08,567
Yeah, well,
they're talking at the moment.
9
00:01:09,033 --> 00:01:10,303
This is Janice.
10
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:12,730
-You to start with.
-Lights up on the pond life.
11
00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:14,470
Ken, full state please,
thank you.
12
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,170
Janice has told us
that the man she's been
living with, Gary,
13
00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:20,600
she doesn't think that
he's the father of her child.
14
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:22,700
-You'll be a local hero
back home, hey?
-Huh?
15
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:24,570
Mates seeing you on the telly?
16
00:01:26,133 --> 00:01:29,703
Can you give me three people
who are responding
in any way, shape or form?
17
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:31,397
Okay, DFI, camera four.
18
00:01:32,633 --> 00:01:34,333
My God! Are you still pregnant?
How long's that been going on?
19
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,800
Do the V thing, do the...
do the...
20
00:01:37,833 --> 00:01:40,173
Do the V thing!
Energy, energy, energy!
21
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:42,727
Come on, arms up.
22
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,700
-Oh! Fantastic!
-Let me speak to Helena.
23
00:01:46,833 --> 00:01:47,703
-Just ask me
if you need anything.
-I'm alright.
24
00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:50,433
This is what we call
the intelligent applause.
25
00:01:51,667 --> 00:01:53,627
Helena, Vivienne wants to...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
26
00:01:54,733 --> 00:01:56,003
-Speak in that
other thing there.
-Don't listen.
27
00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:59,367
-Er, I won't.
-Are the Americans in?
28
00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:02,067
Yeah, yeah, babe,
two execs from Fox are in.
29
00:02:02,633 --> 00:02:03,573
Whoop it up, lovely.
30
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,030
Have you been eating
cheese and onion crisps?
31
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:07,630
-It's revolting.
-No.
32
00:02:08,233 --> 00:02:10,033
Very enthusiastic, yes!
33
00:02:11,267 --> 00:02:12,327
Americans don't like fringes,
don't like hair in the face.
34
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,367
It keeps going in my mouth,
I keep eating my own face.
35
00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:19,000
Listen everybody, listen!
We're just about to go.
36
00:02:20,167 --> 00:02:22,727
Okay, Viv will be back with
us now in just one second.
37
00:02:24,867 --> 00:02:27,397
You look after this.
Don't let me go home
without giving it back.
38
00:02:28,567 --> 00:02:29,727
-Okay. It's important.
-Got it.
It's very important.
39
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,030
Okay, we're ready to run up.
40
00:02:34,433 --> 00:02:37,003
All right, dominatrix.
Exhale Tricia.
41
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:42,030
-Good luck, studio.
-Inhale Robinson. Gum, gum!
42
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:44,503
3, 2, 1.
43
00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:46,267
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)
44
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,197
Sparkle!
45
00:02:52,933 --> 00:02:54,373
Welcome back to
the Vivienne Vyle Show.
46
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,570
You're watching,
I'm Vivienne Vyle. Before
the break we met Janice.
47
00:02:58,867 --> 00:03:00,497
She's come on to tell
the man she's been
living with for 3 years,
48
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:04,103
her partner Gary, he's not
the father of her son.
Meet Janice.
49
00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:07,030
(APPLAUSE)
50
00:03:07,967 --> 00:03:09,697
Okay, before I get Gary
out onto the show...
51
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,430
Oh, she's turning on
the waterworks.
52
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,070
Seen that one before.
53
00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:18,497
Can we have the tissues please,
Chris? Carol?
54
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,630
Here come the tissues.
55
00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:24,130
Vivienne, right,
to all intents and purposes,
56
00:03:25,433 --> 00:03:27,673
how come his sister,
yeah, she come down
Tesco's that time.
57
00:03:28,933 --> 00:03:30,803
What you've got to understand,
this is about my baby, right?
58
00:03:32,233 --> 00:03:34,233
My baby needs to know
the truth and the truth
is that that man
59
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:36,000
is not the father of my child.
Gary, is not
the father of my...
60
00:03:36,933 --> 00:03:38,033
She's trying to take
your son away from you.
61
00:03:39,467 --> 00:03:40,727
If you ain't the father,
who is the fucking father.
I want to know?
62
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:42,470
Fucking slag, mate, she is!
63
00:03:43,833 --> 00:03:45,033
-She is a fucking slag!
-Well, tell her, mate!
Do something about it.
64
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:46,730
What's that all about,
my darling?
65
00:03:47,567 --> 00:03:49,097
-Yeah, but...
-I asked you a question.
66
00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:51,597
I think you've had
enough time to tell
your side of the story,
67
00:03:52,867 --> 00:03:53,497
-I think we should
get Gary out here.
-You'll be fine.
68
00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:56,670
Let's get Gary onto
the Vivienne Vyle show. Gary!
69
00:03:58,067 --> 00:03:59,667
Straight fingers, yeah?
Straight fingers, go on son!
70
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,770
(CHEERS AND BOOING)
71
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,300
You slut! You fucking slut!
72
00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:08,267
You wasn't there for me, Gary.
You wasn't there!
73
00:04:09,367 --> 00:04:12,767
What?! Straight fingers,
straight fingers! Tosser.
74
00:04:14,267 --> 00:04:16,527
-Fucking forget it!
I fucking...
-All right, sit down, Gary.
75
00:04:17,267 --> 00:04:19,367
-Fuck off!
-Are you finished?
76
00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:22,167
-Sorry, Vivienne.
-Do you want to sit down?
77
00:04:26,167 --> 00:04:28,627
You're on the Vivienne Vyle
Show, take your hands
out of your pockets.
78
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:31,767
I know you're angry,
we all know
why you're angry, Gary.
79
00:04:32,933 --> 00:04:35,003
You got something you want
to say to Janice?
80
00:04:36,767 --> 00:04:37,627
-He's my fucking son!
-He isn't!
81
00:04:38,433 --> 00:04:39,673
-Yes, he is...
-He fucking isn't.
82
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:41,470
You know, I'm fed up
of these two.
83
00:04:42,667 --> 00:04:44,067
I'm going to stop this right
now because in this envelope
84
00:04:45,333 --> 00:04:47,073
I've got the results
of the DNA test
that you took, Gary.
85
00:04:48,333 --> 00:04:51,733
Let me tell you...
The information
I've got on this card
86
00:04:52,767 --> 00:04:55,397
-confirms you are
not the father...
-Yes!
87
00:04:55,933 --> 00:04:58,103
...of Janice's son.
88
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,630
There's no DNA match, Gary.
That's a shock result.
89
00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:07,800
Hmm? What a couple, hey?
How does that make you
feel, Gary?
90
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:11,497
You take that look
off your face.
91
00:05:12,233 --> 00:05:13,373
That's gotta hurt, hasn't it?
92
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,370
That little boy that you call
your son is not your son,
93
00:05:18,033 --> 00:05:19,533
she slept with someone else.
94
00:05:20,633 --> 00:05:22,773
He's been calling you Daddy,
you're not his Daddy.
95
00:05:23,933 --> 00:05:26,003
What's going through
your head, Gary? Huh?
96
00:05:26,433 --> 00:05:28,133
What's going...?
97
00:05:44,867 --> 00:05:47,297
(BEEPING)
98
00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:00,427
(BEEPING FASTER)
99
00:06:02,433 --> 00:06:03,773
(PHONE RINGING)
100
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,470
(HIGHER RINGING)
101
00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:11,627
-Oh.
-Sorry! I was trying to change
the tone on my phone.
102
00:06:13,233 --> 00:06:14,733
Oh...
103
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,470
Ow. Ow!
104
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:21,670
-You smell nice.
-It's yours Dior.
105
00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:25,097
No, it might not be,
it might be Dolce.
106
00:06:25,533 --> 00:06:26,633
Doesn't matter.
107
00:06:27,567 --> 00:06:30,297
-Can you get this up?
-Oh, you want up?
108
00:06:34,367 --> 00:06:36,467
-All right.
-Two foot, that's it.
109
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,570
Oh, I take it
I don't look much better.
110
00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:43,003
Dale called, said now would be
the time to have the facelift.
111
00:06:44,167 --> 00:06:45,997
I said I thought a huge
arse-crack had done the job.
112
00:06:47,267 --> 00:06:48,067
-Can I have a mirror?
-No, I don't
think you're ready.
113
00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:49,533
Yes.
114
00:06:56,900 --> 00:06:59,030
I touched you up a bit
while you were asleep,
115
00:07:00,100 --> 00:07:01,500
just a little Touche Eclat,
cover the bruising.
116
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,600
-I look like a bloody mortician.
-You're all over the television.
117
00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:07,327
-Oh!
-They're all talking
about you out there.
118
00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:09,230
I've just seen Vivienne.
119
00:07:09,933 --> 00:07:12,233
She thanks all her fans and...
120
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,170
"...friends for their kind
thoughts and messages,
121
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,670
"for all the flowers
and the very small guests
122
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:28,630
"and she is now being comforted
by her partner, Jarhead...
Jared! Jared."
123
00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:30,767
Thank you,
that's the end of the statement.
124
00:07:31,967 --> 00:07:34,127
If anyone wants to ask questions
about the show...
125
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,430
-When will she return?
-Will Vivienne sue
the man who sat on her face?
126
00:07:37,967 --> 00:07:39,227
As soon as possible.
127
00:07:40,767 --> 00:07:43,097
We're not aware of, actually
of any man actually having
sat on her face.
128
00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:48,173
-Are you in pain?
-Of course I'm in pain!
I'm crushed, I've been crushed.
129
00:07:49,300 --> 00:07:51,770
The Americans were in, Jared.
The Americans were in.
130
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,530
-Oh, shit!
-What? What? What?
131
00:07:55,633 --> 00:07:57,133
You know the letter
they sent from the sperm bank?
132
00:07:58,167 --> 00:08:01,397
I gave it to...some girl,
some little girl.
133
00:08:02,567 --> 00:08:04,627
Damn. But they want to know,
you know, normal thing.
134
00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:06,670
Do we keep them frozen
or do we want to defrost?
135
00:08:07,533 --> 00:08:09,733
Why are we discussing
this again?
136
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,500
I mean, I've always said
we should sell it
to needy lesbians on eBay.
137
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,030
There's no time limit
on this anyway.
138
00:08:17,533 --> 00:08:19,333
This is my dead husband's
sperm, it's not a cheesecake
from Iceland.
139
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:22,297
The sperm can stay frozen
as long as they like,
it's me that's got
140
00:08:23,267 --> 00:08:24,767
the best-before stamped
on her packaging now.
141
00:08:26,567 --> 00:08:29,067
Yes, but you put that
inside you, what are you
going to get out? Mr Frosties?
142
00:08:29,767 --> 00:08:31,767
Little ice cubes? Slush Puppies?
143
00:08:32,900 --> 00:08:34,500
Now stop talking now,
your face won't heal up.
144
00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:37,703
It really scared me
what happened, you know, Jared.
It really scared me.
145
00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:43,203
Made me think about my life,
what's important
and what's missing.
146
00:08:43,967 --> 00:08:44,997
-You made The Standard.
-Oh, what?
147
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:48,627
For being punched and sat on?
Great! What does it say?
148
00:08:50,133 --> 00:08:52,633
"Ex-weather girl, now
talk show host tries to boost
flagging ratings".
149
00:08:54,933 --> 00:08:59,173
Weather girl. Why? It was 1986
and you only lasted three weeks.
150
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,000
I couldn't point at a cloud
without poking my own eye out.
151
00:09:02,867 --> 00:09:04,027
-Viv, Viv, Viv,
Viv, Viv, Vivvy.
-Huh?
152
00:09:04,567 --> 00:09:05,997
Let me cheer you up.
153
00:09:09,533 --> 00:09:11,673
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
154
00:09:12,267 --> 00:09:15,467
(MIMING FEMALE SINGER)
155
00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:24,597
Everything all right in here?
156
00:09:26,267 --> 00:09:27,727
Hello!
157
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,630
-I'm sorry, is it too loud?
-Are you all right?
158
00:09:33,967 --> 00:09:35,267
Sorry, who are you?
159
00:09:36,533 --> 00:09:39,303
I'm Dr Fowler,
I'm the Consultant
Clinical Psychologist.
160
00:09:40,967 --> 00:09:43,427
-They've come to
take you away, love.
-Tell him to fuck off!
161
00:09:44,533 --> 00:09:45,733
-What?
-She's fine.
162
00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:57,030
I want to have a baby!
163
00:09:57,900 --> 00:10:00,000
'I know! I know!'
164
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:05,303
The best bit... Yeah...
where he sits on her face, yeah!
165
00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:07,630
Okay, bye!
166
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,070
Any chance of a coffee?
167
00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:14,597
What?
168
00:10:14,967 --> 00:10:16,597
She's fine!
169
00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:21,603
Oh, and Fern's agreed to stand
in until Viv gets back, yeah?
170
00:10:21,967 --> 00:10:23,197
Poor sod!
171
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,530
It's his birthday coming up
soon, what am I going to do
then?
172
00:10:27,733 --> 00:10:30,003
-Has anyone
said anything to you?
-What do you mean?
173
00:10:31,133 --> 00:10:33,103
-I'm surprised no-one's gone.
-No-one seems to care.
174
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:37,300
I think we all know
who it'll be.
175
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,700
-Yeah, me!
-No.
176
00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:47,097
Excuse me, Helena.
Maria dropped this off.
177
00:10:48,433 --> 00:10:50,473
Yeah, can you take it
for a walk? I need about
half an hour.
178
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,530
Er, so what, just the pram then?
179
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,800
Fuck. Just wait.
180
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,370
What's my home number?
181
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:14,303
Maria, donde es el bebe?
182
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,570
Is that the way
you say it in Spanish?
183
00:11:17,267 --> 00:11:18,597
Where's the fucking baby? Maria!
184
00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:20,627
Maria! Donde es el bebe?
185
00:11:24,633 --> 00:11:26,533
Okay, hola, hola, bye.
186
00:11:28,933 --> 00:11:30,373
She's with Maria's sister.
187
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:32,270
So I don't need you.
188
00:11:33,667 --> 00:11:35,097
What's your name?
189
00:11:35,633 --> 00:11:38,033
Er...Abigail Wilson.
190
00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:42,233
-Were you side-stage
after the break with Viv?
-Yeah, yeah.
191
00:11:42,900 --> 00:11:46,130
Naomi. Get Abigail her P45.
192
00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,770
Hey. Straight fingers, go girl!
193
00:12:01,567 --> 00:12:03,227
Oh, shut up!
194
00:12:09,900 --> 00:12:11,530
I spoke to Jared.
I think you're insane.
195
00:12:12,333 --> 00:12:13,403
Someone's got the baby,
so I'm here.
196
00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:15,503
-What baby?
-My baby.
197
00:12:16,367 --> 00:12:18,067
-Everyone's talking about it.
-What?
198
00:12:19,033 --> 00:12:19,803
-Darling, the show, that show.
-What show?
199
00:12:21,333 --> 00:12:25,503
We are going to trail it
all week and then
whole show, Friday!
200
00:12:26,333 --> 00:12:28,373
-Show the whole show? What?
-Yeah!
201
00:12:29,433 --> 00:12:31,573
-Well, what does it look like?
-Fucking amazing!
202
00:12:32,433 --> 00:12:34,003
-It cut together beautifully.
-Cut?
203
00:12:34,967 --> 00:12:36,367
-What?
-Cut, did you say?
Cut together?
204
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,230
-No.
-Cut?
205
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,570
-No.
-The show, the whole show
206
00:12:42,033 --> 00:12:44,173
where I was almost fucking
killed by some moron
with a fucking fringe
207
00:12:45,167 --> 00:12:47,367
glued to his forehead
and you cut it?! What?!
208
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,670
Yeah but... Darling, what?
209
00:12:51,633 --> 00:12:53,303
Darling, I didn't know
what was happening.
210
00:12:54,633 --> 00:12:57,633
Look this is my job,
you don't ever want me
not doing my job, babe.
211
00:12:58,300 --> 00:12:59,300
What was I supposed to do?
212
00:13:00,433 --> 00:13:01,673
The person that comes
to help you is so fucking fat
213
00:13:02,733 --> 00:13:04,573
he sits on your face
and almost breaks your neck!
214
00:13:05,533 --> 00:13:06,673
Darling, we'll get thinner
security guards.
215
00:13:07,933 --> 00:13:10,103
-This is great fucking telly!
-No, I'm not doing it any more.
216
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:12,270
-I'm not going to let you quit.
-Then just fuck off!
217
00:13:12,967 --> 00:13:14,067
Is everything all right in here?
218
00:13:15,733 --> 00:13:19,273
Actually, we could do with some
water. Do you want some water,
darling? Or champagne?
219
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,033
Can you have champagne? Sushi?
220
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:22,697
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
221
00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:27,530
Would you like to do Richard
and Judy tomorrow morning?
222
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,400
-Are you a doctor?
-Yes, but I'm not a medic.
223
00:13:34,533 --> 00:13:35,233
Would you like to tell me
what is going on please?
224
00:13:36,267 --> 00:13:38,097
Because this is not
the Vivienne that I know.
225
00:13:40,867 --> 00:13:42,627
Oh, just piss off, I think
I know what you think of me.
226
00:13:43,567 --> 00:13:45,267
Oh, really?
And what do I think of you?
227
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,000
I think you're feeling
very vulnerable.
228
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:50,730
Oh! Is that the best
you can do?
229
00:13:51,967 --> 00:13:54,127
I think that if what you do
is take people apart in public
230
00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:58,127
and then not give them back
anything to replace
what they've lost,
231
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,570
It's only a matter
of time before someone
turns round and punches you.
232
00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:03,327
(SHUDDERS)
233
00:14:04,933 --> 00:14:07,703
Gasps from the audience!
I tell you what, I want
to fucking punch you now.
234
00:14:08,533 --> 00:14:09,803
Well, you see,
that's what you get
235
00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:13,497
if you make people
feel vulnerable
against their will. Huh?
236
00:14:15,533 --> 00:14:17,503
They wanna punch you
in the face.
237
00:14:22,767 --> 00:14:25,297
Well done, that's very good,
that's very clever, isn't it?
238
00:14:25,833 --> 00:14:27,303
How do you do that?
239
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:29,773
That's a very
neat little formula.
240
00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:33,133
It's trauma-related hysteria.
241
00:14:36,267 --> 00:14:38,027
I need something to love me.
242
00:14:39,533 --> 00:14:41,433
'I don't know what she's on
but she's off her trolley.
Gotta go, bye!'
243
00:14:42,467 --> 00:14:45,427
Oh, hi! Hi! Hi!
244
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:48,570
Helena Derwent,
Vivienne's producer.
What's your name?
245
00:14:49,700 --> 00:14:51,270
Well, I'm Jonathan Fowler,
we've just met actually.
246
00:14:51,967 --> 00:14:52,727
Right, do I know your face?
247
00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:54,573
Well, I write a column
in psychology.
248
00:14:55,133 --> 00:14:57,673
Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Yes!
249
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:00,427
Do you know Emilio? He's a
writer, friend of mine.
250
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:02,630
-No.
-What's wrong with Viv?
251
00:15:04,133 --> 00:15:06,103
Well, she's had a narcissistic
blow. She's on the verge
of a breakdown.
252
00:15:06,367 --> 00:15:08,227
No!
253
00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:11,127
Can I bend your ear?
254
00:15:12,333 --> 00:15:15,403
My child is two years old,
still sleeps in the bed with me,
255
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:19,030
only speaks Spanish.
Is that a problem?
256
00:15:19,567 --> 00:15:21,027
Yes, it is actually.
257
00:15:21,733 --> 00:15:24,133
Can I... Would you like a drink?
258
00:15:26,333 --> 00:15:28,473
-And welcome home,
darling, hey?
-Print tape.
259
00:15:29,633 --> 00:15:31,003
-Have you got
the print tape?
-I didn't take it.
260
00:15:32,267 --> 00:15:33,667
That doesn't have to come in,
that's just some old knickers.
261
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:36,073
All right, sweetheart.
262
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:39,070
Ow! Coat, darling.
I'm going to have a shower.
263
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,230
Well, do you want
something to eat first?
264
00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:43,673
-Shower then something to eat,
I'll do that.
-All right, darling.
265
00:15:44,567 --> 00:15:46,227
So stiff! Did you bring
my make-up bag in?
266
00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:48,100
-Yeah, it's here. Oh, look!
-What?
267
00:15:49,433 --> 00:15:50,633
-Some thin's taken
the paint off there.
-What's done that?
268
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:52,567
It was probably me
when I was rushing.
269
00:15:53,933 --> 00:15:55,273
-Oh! There's a sample pot
of that paint under the sink.
-What?
270
00:15:56,633 --> 00:15:58,433
-Hmm? Oh, just get
someone to do it, darling.
-I'll do it later.
271
00:16:05,333 --> 00:16:07,403
-Where are the cushions?
-Never came back
from the cleaners.
272
00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:10,567
-Oh. Weren't you going to
call them about that?
-I did.
273
00:16:11,433 --> 00:16:12,473
Did you water the plants
on the balcony?
274
00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:15,127
No, I've got someone
who's going to come and
do those lovely planters.
275
00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:17,197
You know the ones we saw
at the Saunderson's.
276
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,330
You know, we really should
start thinking, you know...
277
00:16:21,833 --> 00:16:24,573
Holidays? Yeah.
Cliff gets booked up and
that Gloria's always in first.
278
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:28,167
Screw top! I hate that,
but it's a lovely wine.
279
00:16:29,133 --> 00:16:32,373
New Zealand,
we had it at Paul's, remember?
280
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,430
Now, welcome home, darling,
and here's to our wonderful,
care-free life.
281
00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:38,330
Hmm!
282
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,100
-Oprah never had children.
-Did you say Oprah? Huh?
283
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:46,070
How dare you talk about Oprah?
We'd all like to be Oprah.
284
00:16:47,233 --> 00:16:49,403
We'd all like to sit and clutch
hands with Susan Sarandon
285
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,000
and weep openly
when she says she's a great mum.
286
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:57,000
We'd all like to sit smugly in
the condom of cashmere and deal
out Ralph Lauren vouchers
287
00:16:58,233 --> 00:16:59,503
to the poor and hungry
but we can't!
Do you know why she can?
288
00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:02,230
Because she owns
the fucking channel, Jared!
289
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:04,330
She's doesn't need children!
290
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:06,330
Go and have a shower.
291
00:17:09,633 --> 00:17:11,633
Anyway, I haven't got
that kind of ego.
292
00:17:15,933 --> 00:17:17,733
(APPLAUSE)
293
00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:20,197
Oh, that was a lively few
minutes, wasn't it?
294
00:17:21,133 --> 00:17:22,673
And we do wish Kylie
and her mum, Jill, well.
295
00:17:24,367 --> 00:17:26,597
And didn't they look fantastic
after our make-over team
had had a go at them, hey?
296
00:17:27,567 --> 00:17:28,567
I think we're going to run
this piece again
297
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:31,470
so if you know anyone
who dresses like a whore...
298
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:35,230
Not someone who's an actual
whore, but people who look
like a whore, a tart,
299
00:17:36,667 --> 00:17:40,027
then do phone the usual
number or contact
the Vivienne Vyle website.
300
00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:43,070
Now, we're going to take
a quick break and
if you are a Taurus,
301
00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:45,230
stay tuned,
you're gonna love this!
302
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:48,267
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)
303
00:17:49,567 --> 00:17:51,197
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
304
00:17:54,867 --> 00:17:57,067
I married my best friend
and now I want to have
my dead husband's children.
305
00:17:57,933 --> 00:17:59,073
Be a good name
for one of your shows.
306
00:18:00,267 --> 00:18:02,027
And what would people think?
They'd think I'm the father!
307
00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:04,370
I don't think people
are that naive.
308
00:18:05,033 --> 00:18:06,173
I don't want to be a father.
309
00:18:07,733 --> 00:18:09,533
I deserve a baby,
before the last desperate egg
pops out of my ovaries.
310
00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:12,567
-We'll get a pug.
-Down some slowly
disintegrating fallopian tube.
311
00:18:13,533 --> 00:18:14,333
-Or a little shiatsu.
-Into an aging womb
312
00:18:15,533 --> 00:18:17,303
inside a body that's only
kept juicy by hormone patches.
313
00:18:18,267 --> 00:18:19,767
This was never part
of the agreement!
314
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:21,533
(BUZZER)
315
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:27,470
Oh, food! Good, I'm starving!
316
00:18:28,633 --> 00:18:30,303
What's the name of that pram
thing you've got, Helena?
317
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:33,227
-Buggaboo?
-Buggaboo.
Get one of those, Jared.
318
00:18:34,167 --> 00:18:35,197
-Put it on the list.
-Oh, do they have one
319
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:38,230
with a zimmer frame attachment?
A "Zimmerboo"
for the older mother?
320
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,000
I got a call from Fox.
321
00:18:40,967 --> 00:18:42,767
I'm going to go macrobiotic
so... Pardon?
322
00:18:43,733 --> 00:18:45,733
-They're very interested.
-What?
323
00:18:46,433 --> 00:18:48,673
Darling, the ratings are great.
324
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,430
-30% share, we've never
had that before.
-What's the slot average?
325
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,373
-15%, we've doubled it.
-Double?
326
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:58,767
Even the reruns on UK Star,
and the Americans loved it.
327
00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:02,997
-No!
-I know!
We're squeezing Trisha.
328
00:19:03,833 --> 00:19:05,203
This has got to be my comeback.
329
00:19:06,633 --> 00:19:09,333
No more sick kiddies either.
I can't make that brave face
any more.
330
00:19:10,033 --> 00:19:11,133
This is the new Vivienne Vyle.
331
00:19:12,333 --> 00:19:15,333
-And she is?
-We've got to push it
harder, make it edgier.
332
00:19:16,667 --> 00:19:18,667
-New set?
-No, we can't afford it.
Take it to the limit, you know.
333
00:19:19,433 --> 00:19:20,473
-They love the violence.
-Do they?
334
00:19:21,633 --> 00:19:22,773
Whoa, you're going to
have to have better security.
335
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,330
We'll get the really angry
people on, won't we?
336
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:28,103
I want the mentally ill,
the really mental...
and better security.
337
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,400
Yeah, the really mentally ill
338
00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:35,370
but we're going to have
a therapy counselling person,
for insurance.
339
00:19:36,733 --> 00:19:38,133
-What? What?
-I know it's pathetic
but, you know, fucking lawyers.
340
00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:40,327
All right, just get one,
shit, just get one.
341
00:19:41,433 --> 00:19:43,633
I want to do real therapy
on television because...
342
00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:47,033
-This is like transformational
television.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
343
00:19:48,133 --> 00:19:50,173
This is how I can evolve,
this is how Oprah started.
344
00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:52,567
I just have to be seen
to really care.
345
00:19:54,167 --> 00:19:56,667
I can do follow-ups,
I can do mini-documentaries,
I can do week-long specials.
346
00:19:58,133 --> 00:20:00,603
'I want cutters,
manic-depressives, suicidals,
the obese, the big...'
347
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,170
-What do you call them?
Morbidly obese.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
348
00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:06,567
Where we have to knock
the house down to get them
into the studio.
349
00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:08,403
-Fern!
-What?
350
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:10,533
-Fern!
-Hi!
351
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,130
-Yeah, hey! Good job!
-Thanks for keeping
the show warm.
352
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,530
I will lower myself
once in a while.
353
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:17,370
It must be hard,
all the standing up.
354
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:19,197
You're so used to sitting
comfortably with Philip.
355
00:20:19,833 --> 00:20:20,673
You really are repellent!
356
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:24,700
Oh, woo! Oh, woo! Let's hear it!
357
00:20:25,367 --> 00:20:27,027
Look, she's back! Vivienne!
358
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,430
Darling, you remember Jonathan?
359
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,570
-Not him! Not him?
-Yeah, yeah, I thought...
360
00:20:36,500 --> 00:20:37,470
-Great on the telly.
-On? No, not on, not on.
361
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:42,397
Viv, yeah, you know
the channel wants a new format,
it's going to be in your ear.
362
00:20:43,333 --> 00:20:44,673
No, not in my ear,
I don't do in my ear.
363
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,000
Just in case there are
any sticky moments.
Yeah, I told you, remember?
364
00:20:49,233 --> 00:20:51,473
You didn't tell me it was going
to be him. You didn't say him.
365
00:20:52,833 --> 00:20:55,173
-Why didn't you tell me
it was going to be him?
-Run out of time.
366
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:57,130
Can't have a credit.
367
00:20:58,467 --> 00:21:01,127
Sorry, I can't possibly
pass these people
to be on the television.
368
00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:03,597
-Too late, booked.
-What's your problem?
369
00:21:04,933 --> 00:21:07,473
You're meddling with
dysfunctional people
who need real help.
370
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:12,627
-No psychopaths.
-Look at that,
it's just a theatre of cruelty.
371
00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:17,427
But you don't help them,
all you do is just stand there
and shout at them.
372
00:21:18,667 --> 00:21:21,197
Sit down! I shout at them
because that's what they know.
373
00:21:22,167 --> 00:21:24,227
Some of these
are just big violent babies.
374
00:21:25,267 --> 00:21:27,027
I'm the mum they never had,
do you understand?
375
00:21:27,667 --> 00:21:30,027
I can be that strong mother.
376
00:21:31,433 --> 00:21:32,773
That's very good,
write down what I just said,
I want to use that.
377
00:21:34,167 --> 00:21:35,667
-Oh, hold on...
-Get it in the show.
Wait, wait, wait!
378
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,270
You might not think it's right,
I think it's legitimate
for them.
379
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,400
-Good.
-But sometimes
it's very, very dangerous.
380
00:21:44,833 --> 00:21:46,633
-Well, that's why you're here.
-We're ready to fit
Viv's earpiece.
381
00:21:47,867 --> 00:21:50,067
-Earpiece, all right,
I'm coming.
-Be with you in five.
382
00:21:51,233 --> 00:21:54,033
To me, to me.
What did you say
was wrong with my baby?
383
00:21:54,867 --> 00:21:55,997
It doesn't know
who its mother is.
384
00:21:56,833 --> 00:22:00,003
It doesn't know
who its mother is!
385
00:22:01,067 --> 00:22:02,297
I don't know what you want me
to do about that.
386
00:22:03,567 --> 00:22:05,667
Vivienne, oh, yeah! I held on
to this for you like you said.
387
00:22:07,067 --> 00:22:09,367
What's that? Oh! Well done!
You could have sold that
to the press
388
00:22:10,267 --> 00:22:11,527
for a lot of money.
Shred it please?
389
00:22:12,133 --> 00:22:13,373
-Really? Shit!
-Yeah!
390
00:22:14,633 --> 00:22:17,033
-Well, thank you,
so these are for you.
-Oh, thank you.
391
00:22:17,967 --> 00:22:20,227
-You coming to the studio?
-I was fired.
392
00:22:20,667 --> 00:22:21,667
No, you weren't.
393
00:22:22,067 --> 00:22:23,997
Door! Door!
394
00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:29,730
Darling, can you just see?
395
00:22:31,067 --> 00:22:32,267
-I've got tiny ears and
that's the problem, isn't it?
-What?
396
00:22:33,767 --> 00:22:35,627
-That's why I've never worn
one of these.
-Just use your normal voice.
397
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:38,430
-Hello!
-I'm hearing too much stuff.
398
00:22:39,333 --> 00:22:40,633
I don't think it's working.
It's not.
399
00:22:41,833 --> 00:22:45,403
-Hang on, whoa! Wait! Wait!
-Speak in your normal voice.
400
00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:48,327
Okay. Hello, Vivienne.
It's Jonathan here.
401
00:22:49,433 --> 00:22:50,703
-Which one do I look at?
There's lots of her.
-Hello.
402
00:22:51,833 --> 00:22:53,303
-Talk to her, talk to her.
-Okay, I can hear him now.
403
00:22:54,367 --> 00:22:55,597
Have a conversation,
you speak when she doesn't.
404
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:57,770
-Hello, did you go
shopping this morning?
-Wait! Wait.
405
00:22:59,133 --> 00:23:00,603
Apparently I've got to have
a normal conversation with you.
406
00:23:01,133 --> 00:23:02,403
Is he talking to me?
407
00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:05,600
Er, I don't know what to say.
408
00:23:06,167 --> 00:23:08,127
What car do you drive?
409
00:23:09,133 --> 00:23:11,003
How fast do you go on weekends?
I'm hearing...
410
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:12,530
Please, no.
411
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:14,130
Let's try an open question.
412
00:23:14,867 --> 00:23:16,227
-Open question?
-Open question.
413
00:23:17,667 --> 00:23:19,697
What the fuck do you think
you're doing?
Is that an open question?
414
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:21,670
Yeah, okay.
And now a closed question.
415
00:23:22,933 --> 00:23:24,133
-Are you trying to piss me off?
-I'm not trying to piss you off.
416
00:23:25,300 --> 00:23:26,670
A closed question, yes or no
answer, do you understand?
417
00:23:27,933 --> 00:23:30,273
-Yeah, okay. Let's try
a paradoxical intervention.
-What?
418
00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:33,130
You tell them to do
something they think
they can't do
419
00:23:33,833 --> 00:23:34,633
in order to get them to do it.
420
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,430
That they're a load of old
tossers and they'll never
change?
421
00:23:38,133 --> 00:23:39,603
Yes, a little bit of empathy.
422
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,470
You're a load of cocks, you'll
never change and I feel very
sorry for you. Empathy, done.
423
00:23:45,033 --> 00:23:48,003
Yeah, okay, and of course
there'll be enough time
to reflect, paraphrase.
424
00:23:49,667 --> 00:23:52,197
You know, throw in the odd
kind of circular question,
with a gestalt empty chair,
425
00:23:53,533 --> 00:23:57,273
just get your comments
less directive and more
systemic, you know.
426
00:23:58,367 --> 00:24:00,197
Bring in all those family
issues... She's coming.
427
00:24:01,867 --> 00:24:03,767
That sort of thing, then once
you've done the family issues
we can move on to...
428
00:24:05,133 --> 00:24:06,133
It would be really good
if we could practice
your reframing
429
00:24:06,767 --> 00:24:08,327
because the hop hop hop...
430
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,570
I can't do this,
you're going to have to shut up.
431
00:24:16,567 --> 00:24:17,627
Let's welcome now
our crack-addicted whore.
432
00:24:18,333 --> 00:24:20,173
No, you can't open with that!
433
00:24:21,767 --> 00:24:23,567
That's the title of the show,
Crack-Addicted Whore,
or something like that.
434
00:24:24,633 --> 00:24:25,803
I mean, I'm going to say it,
is there a problem?
435
00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:28,670
-Ah! Er...
-What?
436
00:24:29,967 --> 00:24:33,197
This man has a very,
very violent profile
and he's a crack addict.
437
00:24:34,767 --> 00:24:37,297
-You push him too far
he's going to kill you.
-Here's my line of questioning.
438
00:24:38,867 --> 00:24:41,397
You are a crack-addicted whore,
how long have you been
wearing women's panties?
439
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,800
I've been smoking rock
for like seven years
440
00:24:46,367 --> 00:24:49,727
and like with the sex
it's been as long as
I can remember really.
441
00:24:50,867 --> 00:24:52,467
Yeah, well, what does
your mother think?
442
00:24:53,833 --> 00:24:55,273
No, no, no, you're going
too far now.
Don't mention the mother.
443
00:24:55,933 --> 00:24:57,533
-She died.
-No, no, no.
444
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:00,070
You know, I guess your mother
would be very ashamed of you.
445
00:25:00,733 --> 00:25:01,633
No, not now, you can't do...
446
00:25:03,167 --> 00:25:06,327
I think you don't wanna change,
you're happy being
this crack-addicted whore.
447
00:25:07,367 --> 00:25:08,127
-Steady!
-Hello,
paradoxical intervention.
448
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,000
Am I right? Closed question.
449
00:25:10,933 --> 00:25:12,173
You're pushing them to
anger too quickly.
450
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:15,170
Can I just tell you
a little bit about the anger
you should expect?
451
00:25:16,100 --> 00:25:18,470
Do you know how often
I have done anger?
452
00:25:19,933 --> 00:25:22,633
If he's getting too fucking
angry, I crouch down,
maybe I sit here.
453
00:25:23,900 --> 00:25:26,730
I might lie fucking prostrate at
this crack-addicted whore's feet
454
00:25:27,433 --> 00:25:29,303
because I know what I am doing!
455
00:25:29,867 --> 00:25:31,297
(APPLAUSE)
456
00:25:32,533 --> 00:25:36,103
You are just some pathetic
low-life, rock-using rent-boy
457
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,170
who turns up his arse
every time he needs to score
458
00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:41,530
just so he can have
his penis cut off.
459
00:25:42,367 --> 00:25:45,297
You disgust me
and most of my audience.
460
00:25:46,233 --> 00:25:48,233
But I'm not here to judge you.
Sit down!
461
00:25:49,367 --> 00:25:51,527
And then I will lower my eyes,
I will do empathy.
462
00:25:53,167 --> 00:25:55,327
Oh, my God, you are so brave
to become a woman, those shoes
look very painful.
463
00:25:56,733 --> 00:25:59,173
How long will it be
before you take
responsibility for yourself?
464
00:26:00,933 --> 00:26:03,373
And I will contain his anger,
I will hold it, I will hold him
in my hand and then suddenly,
465
00:26:04,033 --> 00:26:05,273
may I say fucking skilfully,
466
00:26:06,767 --> 00:26:08,997
move him to the tears of
self-pity and the outpouring
of self-loathing.
467
00:26:09,433 --> 00:26:11,273
I hate myself!
468
00:26:12,300 --> 00:26:13,500
And then I will tell him
straight.
469
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:18,200
The straight talking, the
no-nonsense, the Vivienne Vyle
treatment, from the heart.
470
00:26:18,933 --> 00:26:20,033
You're angry, aren't you? Huh?
471
00:26:20,933 --> 00:26:22,133
I know you're angry,
you're very angry.
472
00:26:23,133 --> 00:26:23,673
I want you to hold on
to that violent anger
473
00:26:25,100 --> 00:26:26,470
cos on the new Vivienne Vyle
Show we're going to
give you a choice.
474
00:26:27,333 --> 00:26:29,573
You can leave this show
one of two ways.
475
00:26:30,767 --> 00:26:32,497
You can go through that door
there and you can get help,
476
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:37,470
in the shape of
Doctor Jonathan Fowler
he's our new therapist.
477
00:26:38,167 --> 00:26:39,197
He's good, I've seen his work.
478
00:26:40,433 --> 00:26:42,003
Or you can leave
through that other door,
the way you came in.
479
00:26:43,500 --> 00:26:45,070
That door marked depravity
and drug addiction.
Which is it going to be?
480
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:47,130
The choice is yours.
481
00:26:53,033 --> 00:26:55,073
(APPLAUSE)
482
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,370
Wait...
483
00:26:57,667 --> 00:26:58,697
CHEERS
484
00:26:59,267 --> 00:27:01,527
Brave man! Brave man!
485
00:27:02,633 --> 00:27:04,333
Let's give it up for him.
That took a lot of guts.
486
00:27:04,700 --> 00:27:06,470
Hey, baby!
487
00:27:06,733 --> 00:27:08,803
Si!
488
00:27:09,433 --> 00:27:13,173
Soy, soy mama.
489
00:27:13,700 --> 00:27:15,570
Yeah. Si!
490
00:27:15,867 --> 00:27:18,567
Como...
491
00:27:19,233 --> 00:27:22,003
Oh, God no. Are you hungry?
492
00:27:23,033 --> 00:27:27,433
Oh! Are you... Como te humbre?
493
00:27:27,733 --> 00:27:29,603
Sleepy?
494
00:27:29,900 --> 00:27:32,070
Phew!
495
00:27:32,500 --> 00:27:33,700
(PHONE RINGS)
496
00:27:34,267 --> 00:27:35,627
Oh, God! Can you hold?
497
00:27:55,933 --> 00:27:57,073
Ask him to leave us alone now.
498
00:27:57,733 --> 00:27:59,203
Could you leave us, please?
499
00:28:02,133 --> 00:28:04,073
What do you think they
do with it? Get rid of it?
500
00:28:05,300 --> 00:28:07,270
It's all right, they have a
process, they know what the...
501
00:28:15,933 --> 00:28:18,103
-All right darling, let's go.
Come on, let go.
-No, I can't.
502
00:28:19,300 --> 00:28:21,030
You've done the hard part,
you've said goodbye, let's go.
503
00:28:21,567 --> 00:28:22,597
-I can't.
-What?
504
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:24,600
-It's stuck to my fingers.
-What?
505
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:27,000
-It's stuck to my fingers.
-Well, get it off.
506
00:28:27,700 --> 00:28:28,630
-I can't, it's hurting.
-What?
507
00:28:30,067 --> 00:28:31,497
-It's hurting,
it's starting to hurt.
-Breathe on it, breathe on it.
508
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:33,470
-No, it's not working.
-I'm going to get frostbite.
509
00:28:34,333 --> 00:28:36,233
-Ask him to come back.
-We need a...
510
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:38,570
-For fuck's sake,
get him back here!
-We need a...
511
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:40,800
Knives! Do you carry one?
512
00:28:42,100 --> 00:28:43,700
Have you ever witnessed
or been affected by a stabbing?
513
00:28:45,167 --> 00:28:47,267
Do you cut yourself
for sexual pleasure
or because you're depressed?
514
00:28:47,967 --> 00:28:49,427
Every tried to amputate a limb?
515
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,230
The Vivienne Vyle Show's
doing a week about knifes,
Living On A Knife Edge.
516
00:28:54,167 --> 00:28:56,667
Contact us,
we'd love to hear from you.
43371
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