Original subtitles

YO, DIG THIS.

♪ EUGENE GURKIN WAS A JANITOR ♪

♪ CLEANING TOILETS FOR THE MAN ♪

(woman) ♪ SCRUBBIN' AND FLUSHIN' ♪

♪ TILL HE DECIDED THAT HE HAD ENOUGH ♪

♪ GOT A CREW AND MADE A PLAN ♪

♪ NOW THEY'RE THE... ♪ ♪ KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY ♪

♪ ROBBIN' FROM THE RICH TO GIVE TO THEMSELVES ♪

♪ KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY ♪

WE THE KNIGHTS, BABY.

HEAR YE, HEAR YE. I HEREBY CALL TO ORDER

THIS OFFICIAL MEETING OF THE KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY.

A POINT OF BUSINESS BEFORE WE GET STARTED. GO AHEAD, GOURISHANKAR.

I WOULD LIKE TO PROPOSE

THAT NEXT TIME WHEN WE GO TO ROB MICK JAGGER,

INSTEAD OF WOOL SKI MASKS, WE WEAR THESE.

AH! MY SKIN CAN BREATHE.

YOU LOOK AS IF RINGO STARR WALKED INTO A SLIDING DOOR.

OKAY, MOVING ON. TOMORROW MORNING, 9:00 A.M.

ROCKEFELLER WILL ENTER MICK JAGGER'S APARTMENT

TO START HIS NEW JOB

AS SECURITY GUARD REGINALD VAN HOOGSTRATTEN. (whistles)

FINALLY GIVE US AN OPPORTUNITY

TO CASE THE JOINT FROM THE INSIDE.

NOW I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY TO MAKE UP A LIST OF 20 THINGS

THAT I WANT YOU TO KEEP A PARTICULAR EYE ON

AND FIND OUT ABOUT ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE THE APARTMENT.

THESE ARE... WHO ERASED MY LIST?

I THINK WE KNOW WHO DID THIS. I DIDN'T DO IT.

OKAY. NOT IMPORTANT. MOVING ON. THESE ARE THE THREE BIGGIES

I WANT YOU TO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR, OKAY?

ONE--WHAT ARE THE VALUABLES? WHERE ARE THEY KEPT?

TWO--WHERE ARE ALL THE ENTRANCES AND EXITS?

AND THREE--WHAT ARE THE COMINGS AND GOINGS

OF THE GUARDS, MICK AND HIS HOUSEBOY, NATH PRAN?

CONSIDER IT DONE.

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A THUMB.

I DIDN'T DO IT!

(cell phone rings)

IT'S ROCKEFELLER. OOH, ASK HIM WHAT IT'S LIKE IN THERE.

HIT ME, BROTHER BUTTS.

EUGENE, WE GOT A FLY IN THE OINTMENT. WHAT HAPPENED?

I DIDN'T GET ASSIGNED TO MICK JAGGER. WHAT?

GOTTA GO.

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

YOU'RE GONNA CREATE A MOB SCENE. WELL, THEY TOLD ME YOU SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED

THAT "SCREECH" BE ON THE SIGN.

THE NAME'S DUSTIN DIAMOND. SCREECH IS A CHARACTER

I PLAYED ON "SAVED BY THE BELL," WHAT, TEN YEARS AGO? OH. SORRY, MR. DIAMOND.

IT'S OKAY. CALL ME SCREECH.

HEY, CHECK OUT THIS STUFF I ORDERED FROM SkyMall.

NOT HERE. I'M TOO EXPOSED.

(man over P.A.) ...FLIGHT 143 FROM PHOENIX.

THIS SUCKS! WE WORKED SO HARD TO GET HIM THE JOB.

HE GETS THE JOB, AND HE'S NOT EVEN ASSIGNED TO MICK JAGGER. IT JUST AIN'T RIGHT.

WHAT WE GONNA DO?

LET'S NOT GET CRAZY, AND LET'S THINK.

WHAT DO WE KNOW?

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, SCREECH SOUNDS LIKE

A CRAZY CRACK-A-LACKIN' MAMA JAMA!

NOT EVEN CLOSE, SON. ALL RIGHT. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

FORGET ABOUT SCREECH.

WHAT'D YOU LEARN ABOUT BURTON SECURITY? WELL, THEY GOT DIFFERENT TEAMS

ASSIGNED TO DIFFERENT CELEBRITIES.

I'M THE FLOATER, SO THEY PUT ME WHEREVER

THEY NEED ME UNTIL A PERMANENT JOB OPENS UP.

BUT THAT CAN TAKE MONTHS, YEARS! OKAY, WHICH IS WHY TOMORROW YOU'RE GONNA MARCH INTO

YOUR SUPERVISOR'S OFFICE AND SAY,

"I DON'T WANT BE A FLOATER NO MORE."

AND WHEN HE ASKS YOU WHERE YOU'D LIKE TO BE ASSIGNED,

SAY--AND ACT VERY CASUAL WHEN YOU DO THIS--

SAY, "UH, I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE... HMM... MICK JAGGER?"

OKAY? DO THAT. BUT I'VE ONLY BEEN THERE ONE DAY.

ROCKEFELLER, AS A GENTLEMAN WHO WORKS

IN A JEWISH SUPPLY WAREHOUSE,

CERTAINLY YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM "CHUTZPAH."

SOMETHING DON'T SOUND RIGHT THERE. ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS ABOUT GRABBING OUR DESTINY. GRABBING DESTINY.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS.

YOU CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS.

I GOT CHUTZPAH. I GOT CHUTZPAH!

I GOT CHUTZPAH! I GOT CHUTZPAH!

(man) WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

YOU HAVE SOME SET OF ROYAL BRASS STONES

TO COME IN HERE AFTER ONE DAY

AND ASK TO BE A PERMIE.

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I WAS A FLOATER?! SIX YEARS!

YES, SIR. I-I'M SORRY. I-I THOUGHT-- GET OUT OF HERE, VAN HOOGSTRATTEN!

NOW! ALL RIGHT, YEAH. OKAY.

(woman) FRANK CORTLAND'S OFFICE.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, FLOATER?

(moans)

SOUNDS LIKE YOU MET

THE ONE AND ONLY FRANK CORTLAND.

MAN, I'D LIKE TO PUT THAT GUY THROUGH A JUICER.

WE ALL WOULD. RALPH CARNUCCI.

ROCKEFELL--UH, SORRY.

I CAN'T GET THAT DAMN SONG OUT OF MY HEAD. UH...

♪ COME, LET'S MIX WITH ROCKEFELLERS ♪

♪ WALK WITH STICKS OR UM-BU-RELLAS ♪

♪ IN THEIR MIDST, MM, MM, PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ ♪

REGINALD VAN HOOGSTRATTEN.

I WAS A FLOATER FOR THREE YEARS.

IT SUCKS.

I ONCE HAD TO TAKE BETTE MIDLER'S DACHSHUND

TO THE SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL.

WHO YOU ASSIGNED TO NOW? MICK JAGGER.

WORKING HIS APARTMENT--

(Frank) LET'S GO, CARNUCCI!

WITH MR. SUNSHINE. SEE YOU AROUND.

♪ DRESSED UP LIKE A MILLION DOLLAR TROUPER ♪

WHAT DID I TELL YOU, ROCKEFELLER?

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, AND MAGIC HAPPENS.

EUGENE, THE MAN CHEWED MY ASS OFF.

YOU SEE UNDER HERE? NO ASS.

A SMALL PRICE TO PAY, BECAUSE YOU DELIVERED US

THE GOLDEN TICKET TO THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY,

AND HIS NAME IS RALPH CARNUCCI.

OKAY, SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW? WE BEFRIEND THE GUY. WE ENGAGE HIM IN SOME LAUGHS,

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, HE'LL SPILL

ALL KINDS OF USEFUL INFO BEFORE HE EVEN KNEW HE DID IT.

HOW DO WE BEFRIEND RALPH CARNUCCI? UH, KARAOKE NIGHT.

WE CONCENTRATE ON THE DUETS. YOU SING "ISLANDS IN THE STREAM"

WITH A GUY, AND TRUST ME--BONDING HAPPENS.

(Eugene) OKAY, ANYONE ELSE WITH ANY IDEAS?

LET'S TAKE HIM TO A STRIP CLUB.

NOTHING GETS A GUY TALKING LIKE BOOZE AND BOOBS.

GARY, THERE'S A LADY PRESENT.

HE'S RIGHT. THESE THINGS WORK LIKE TRUTH SERUM.

LOOK, I LIKE THE HANKY MANANKY AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY,

UNLESS THE NEXT GUY, OF COURSE, IS GARY.

BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE PROPER SETTING TO ENGAGE

IN CASUAL CONVERSATION. ANYONE ELSE? ANYONE ELSE?

HOW ABOUT WE GO TO A STRIP CLUB?

I JUST REJECTED THAT! I MEAN NOW. MIGHT HELP US THINK.

I GOT IT. ROCKEFELLER SAYS HE'S GOT AN OPEN SEAT

IN HIS WEEKLY POKER GAME. THAT POKER GAME IS US.

WE PLAY CARDS WITH HIM... HAVE LAUGHS...

ENGAGE IN CASUAL CONVERSATION ABOUT HIS WORK,

AND, SQUATCH, BAM! THAT'S BRILLIANT!

YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN HIT US WITH YOUR GENIUS STICK.

THAT'S U.S.A., ONE, AND INDIA, ZERO!

I'LL BE AT FLASHDANCERS.

(Eugene) RIGHT-O. EXCELLENT. ALL RIGHT.

RALPH AND ROCKEFELLER ARE ON THEIR WAY UP, OKAY?

SO BEFORE THEY GET HERE, UH, LOUIS, GET OUT THE BOOZE.

ALL RIGHT? THAT WILL HELP LUBRICATE THE INFORMATION FLOW.

UH, AND EVERYBODY, REMEMBER,

ROCKEFELLER'S NAME IS REGINALD VAN HOOGSTRATTEN, OKAY?

WHAT ABOUT US? DON'T WE NEED FAKE NAMES, TOO?

OH, GOOD POINT. UH, ALL RIGHT. I'M BERNIE.

MADONNA. SKIPPER.

SKIPPER--THAT IS THE STUPIDEST NAME I EVER HEARD.

OH, YEAH, WHAT DO YOU GOT? MIKE.

HEY, YO.

WAIT, GUYS, UH, I STILL DON'T HAVE A FAKE NAME.

HEY, UH, THIS IS RALPH. UH, HARRISON-- THAT'S MY LAST NAME.

NO, I-I CAN'T THINK OF A FIRST NAME. HOW YOU DOIN'?

HEY, RALPH, HI. HEY. BERNIE. BERNIE, HOW ARE YOU?

MADONNA. NICE TO MEET YOU.

HI, I'M MIKE, AND THIS IS SKIPPER. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

AND YOU ARE?

EUGENE.

HUH. WELL, IT'S NICE MEETING YOU ALL. (Rockefeller) YEAH.

(Eugene) YEAH, YEAH. LIKEWISE. LIKEWISE, YEAH. (pager beeps)

I GOTTA MEET SCREECH AT A COMEDY CLUB.

PLIGHT OF A FLOATER.

HEY, COME ON. IT'S TEQUILA TIME, HUH?

(chuckles) RALPH, YOU, UH, YOU WITH ME, BUDDY?

AAH! WHOO-HOO! OH, IT'S LIKE BEING ON THE STREETS OF TIJUANA.

(chuckles)

(Gary) OKAY, COWBOYS. THE NAME OF THE GAME IS 7-CARD STUD.

2s, 3s, 4s, 5s, 6s AND 7s ARE WILD.

WHAT IS THIS, POKER OR GO FISH?

OKAY, NO WILD CARDS.

SO, UH, REGINALD TELLS US

YOU DO A LITTLE SECURITY WORK FOR MICK JAGGER.

FOR A FEW YEARS NOW.

HMM. YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS WONDERED?

DO THOSE GUYS EAT WITH, UH, REAL SILVERWARE?

YOU KNOW, THE--LIKE, THE REAL SILVER KIND,

LIKE, ACTUAL REAL SILVER?

WELL, I REALLY DON'T EAT WITH THEM, SO...

'COURSE NOT. DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, BERNIE.

HE CAN'T EAT WITH MICK JAGGER

BECAUSE HE'S TOO BUSY GUARDING THINGS

LIKE ALL THE EXPENSIVE PAINTINGS THAT MUST BE ON THE WALLS, HUH?

(Ralph) YEAH, WELL, SORT OF.

THERE ARE EXPENSIVE PAINTINGS ON THE WALL?

WE DON'T REALLY EAT WITH THE CLIENT IS WHAT I MEANT.

BUT THE SILVERWARE'S REAL SILVER, RIGHT?

PROBABLY. I GUESS. I-I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

HMM.

THE ROOM IS SPINNING.

GO BACK TO SLEEP, IRENE.

OKAY.

(horns honking in distance)

HEY, BIG GUY. MY SET'S ABOUT 40 MINUTES,

COULD GET UP TO 55, YOU KNOW, GIVEN THE LAUGH SPREAD.

OKAY, ONCE I'M OFFSTAGE, YOU GOTTA GET ME OUT

THROUGH THE BACK OF THE KITCHEN--NO STOPPING.

IF THE CROWD GETS ME, I'LL BE YAKKING WITH THEM FOREVER.

YES, MR. SCREECH. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

HE SCREECHED HIS WAY INTO YOUR HEARTS

ON "SAVED BY THE BELL."

HERE HE IS-- JUSTIN DIAMOND!

(scattered applause)

(microphone feedback whines)

(indistinct conversations)

SO A HORSE WALKS INTO A WHOREHOUSE...

$3.

ARE YOU BLUFFING?

I THINK YOU ARE BLUFFING. ARE YOU BLUFFING?

I'M NOT BLUFFING.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WOULD SAY IF YOU WERE BLUFFING.

I DID NOT SWING OUT OF A TREE YESTERDAY, MY FRIEND. HA.

I CALL.

THREE KINGS.

(shouts in Hindi)

SURPRISE, SURPRISE. WEALTHY BOY WINS AGAIN.

LISTEN, GUYS, I GOTTA BE AT WORK TOMORROW AT 6:00 A.M.

WHOA. THOSE ARE YOUR NORMAL HOURS? NORMAL HOURS?

MY HOURS ARE WHATEVER MY HITLER BOSS DECIDES TO MAKE 'EM.

OH. WE'VE ALL HAD OUR SHARE OF CRAPPY BOSSES, HUH?

NOT LIKE THIS DUDE. THE ONLY THING I LIKE ABOUT THIS GUY

IS THAT I KNOW ONE DAY HE WILL DIE.

IS THERE A BATHROOM AROUND HERE?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. RIGHT BACK THAT WAY.

WE'VE GOT NOTHING FROM THIS CABRóN. AND HE TOOK ALL OUR MONEY.

SILLY ME. I THOUGHT IF I ROBBED MICK JAGGER,

IF I ROBBED MICK JAGGER, I WOULD HAVE MORE MONEY, NOT LESS.

WE CAN TURN THIS GUY. SAY WHAT?

WE SHOULD ASK HIM TO HELP US ROB MICK. I THINK YOUR JANITOR WORK

HAS CAUSED YOU TO INHALE TOO MANY CLEANING CHEMICALS.

DID YOU SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE

WHEN HE TALKED ABOUT HOW MUCH HE HATED HIS BOSS?

I'M TELLING YA, FOR THE RIGHT PRICE, THIS GUY WILL HELP US. AND HOW DO WE EVEN APPROACH THIS?

DO WE WAIT FOR HIM TO COME OUT AND ASK HIM, "HEY, CAN YOU

PLEASE PASS THOSE CHIPS AND HELP US ROB MICK JAGGER?" NO. I'LL DO IT ALONE, AND I'LL DO IT GINGERLY,

LIKE A COUGAR STALKING ITS UNSUSPECTING PREY.

IF I FEEL LIKE HE'S NOT GOING FOR IT, I'LL PULL BACK,

BUT IF HE DOES, THEN--

THE TOILET PAPER'S GOT MENORAHS ON IT.

FELT A LITTLE WEIRD. OH, YEAH. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, CHIEF.

HEY, RALPH, HAVE YOU, UH, SEEN THE VIEW OF THE CITY FROM HERE?

UH, NO, DIDN'T SEE IT.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU GOTTA CHECK IT OUT BEFORE YOU TAKE OFF.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.

(horns honk in distance)

PRETTY GOOD POKER PLAYER.

THANKS.

YOU, TOO.

THE MAIN THING IN POKER IS TO, UH, PICK UP VIBES

FROM THE OTHER PLAYERS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEP. DEFINITELY.

READ THE VIBE WRONG, AND YOU GET BURNED.

READ IT RIGHT, YOU'RE BREAKING IN THE POT ALL WITHOUT A WORD.

VERY, VERY TRUE.

I GET A VIBE OFF YOU, RALPH.

I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO BROACH THIS.

HOW DO I SAY IT?

BUT I THINK YOU AND ME GOT SOME STUFF IN COMMON,

AND, UM, WELL, AND, UH...

IT'S FUN WATCHING YOU SQUIRM,

BUT I'LL MAKE IT EASY ON YOU.

LET'S HAVE DINNER FRIDAY NIGHT.

(Rockefeller) WHERE?

FORGET IT. IT AIN'T HAPPENIN'. AW, COME ON, CHIEF.

THIS IS THE KIND OF BREAK WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

I'VE ONLY HAD ONE RULE MY ENTIRE LIFE THAT I HAVE LIVED BY,

AND IT HAS ALWAYS SERVED ME WELL.

NEVER DATE ANYBODY NAMED RALPH.

BUT IT IS JUST DINNER-- ONE TINY, LITTLE, GAY MEAL.

YEAH, WELL, WHAT IF HE WANTS SOMETHING MORE?

SO, BIG WHOOP, YOU HOLD HIS HAND A LITTLE.

OR GIVE HIM A NECK RUB. (Squatch) YEAH, EXACTLY.

WHAT IF HE TRIES TO KISS ME?

YOU TURN YOUR HEAD AWAY LIKE YOU'RE SHY,

BUT HE DON'T BELIEVE YOU,

YOU SMILE GENTLY, PUT HIS HAND UPON YOUR FACE AND SAY,

"COME ON, YO, LET'S DO THIS THING."

SUDDENLY, HIS LIPS ON YOURS,

AND HE KISSING YOU HARD, AND THE CRAZY THING IS

YOU KISSING HIM BACK,

AND IT FEELS SO STRANGE, YET SOMEHOW FAMILIAR.

YOUR HEART START POUNDING. YOUR HEAD GET DIZZY.

THE REST OF THE NIGHT GO BY IN A FEVERED DREAM.

YOU WAKE UP NAKED IN THE TANGLE OF SILK SHEETS,

SKIN TO SKIN WITH ANOTHER MAN.

YOU SAY GOOD-BYE TO THE LIFE YOU KNEW 'CAUSE FROM NOW ON,

YOU LIVING ON THE DOWN-LOW.

I'M JUST PLAYING WITH YOU, MAN. YOU'LL BE FINE. (chuckles)

PLEASE, EUGENE, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE

THAT CAN CONVINCE RALPH TO HELP US ROB MICK JAGGER.

WE NEED YOU. (pager beeps)

SCREECH WANT CHICKEN WINGS.

(Squatch) CHIEF? YEAH. COME ON IN, SQUATCH.

LOOK AT YOU, HUH?

REGULAR AUDREY HEPBURN.

I AM NEVER GONNA LET YOU FORGET

A SINGLE MOMENT OF THIS MAGICAL EVENING.

PLEASE GO AWAY, OKAY?

NO, RELAX. I'M NOT HERE TO BUST YOUR BALLS.

I'M HERE TO TALK STRATEGY, OKAY?

NOW THE NAME OF THE GAME TONIGHT IS "TEASE, TEASE, TEASE." HOW'S THAT?

HOW MANY TIMES YOU'VE BEEN PLAYED BY A HOT CHICK, HUH?

SHE STRINGS YOU ALONG. YOU DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS

IN THE VAIN HOPE THAT SOMEDAY, EVENTUALLY, SHE'S GONNA GIVE UP

THE OLD WAMPA-MA-GOOSE. AM I RIGHT, HUH? I GUESS.

OKAY, WELL, TONIGHT, MY FRIEND,

FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE, YOU'RE THE HOT CHICK.

SO YOU TEASE, TEASE, TEASE.

YOU MAKE HIM THINK THAT THE ONLY WAY INTO THOSE PANTS

IS BY HELPING US ROB MICK JAGGER.

ALL RIGHT, SQUATCH. UH, I'LL DO WHAT I CAN DO, OKAY?

GOOD. GOOD. NOW COME HERE. PUT THIS ON.

(grunts)

WHAT? IT'S A GAY HAT.

(indistinct conversations)

SO HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM CLAM STRIPS? THEY'RE OKAY.

HOW'S THE FROZEN MUDSLIDE?

(sighs) IT'S ACCEPTABLE.

I'M SORRY I HAD TO DRAG YOU ALL THE WAY OUT TO CONEY ISLAND.

I MEAN, THE ONION LOAF--

IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ITS OWN SPECIAL DIPPING SAUCE.

KETCHUP? PLEASE. I MEAN, COME ON.

IT'S A DUMP. I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T RISK MY BOSS SEEING ME WITH A MAN.

YOU KNOW, HIS AGENT CAME OUT AT WORK.

TWO WEEKS LATER, THEY FIRED HIM FOR STEALING OFFICE SUPPLIES.

MEANWHILE, MY BOSS IS BANGING HIS SECRETARY THE WHOLE TIME,

LIKE THAT'S PERFECTLY OKAY.

SECURITY BUSINESS-- SO FREAKING MACHO.

YOU KNOW, THE JANITOR WORLD'S THE SAME.

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE "TOP GUN" WITH TOILETS.

YOU GOT A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR, BERNIE.

THANKS, RALPH.

♪♪♪

SO...

SO... HOW ABOUT A STROLL ON THE BOARDWALK?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S GETTING KINDA LATE, AND I HAVE TO--

COME ON.

IT'S SUCH A LOVELY NIGHT.

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

(Sixpence None the Richer's "Kiss Me" playing)

♪ KISS ME ♪

♪ OUT OF THE BEARDED BARLEY ♪

♪ NIGHTLY ♪

♪ BESIDE THE GREEN, GREEN GRASS ♪

♪ SWING, SWING ♪

♪ SWING THE SPINNING STEP ♪

♪ YOU WEAR THOSE SHOES, AND I WILL WEAR THAT DRESS ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ KISS ME ♪

♪ BENEATH THE MILKY TWILIGHT ♪

♪ LEAD ME ♪

♪ OUT ON THE MOONLIT FLOOR ♪

♪ LIFT YOUR OPEN HAND ♪

♪ STRIKE UP THE BAND AND MAKE THE FIREFLIES DANCE ♪

♪ SILVER MOON SPARKLING ♪

♪ SO KISS ME ♪

(horn honks)

(TV playing)

YOU LIKE COMEDY, RIGHT, VAN HOOGSTRATTEN?

YOU'RE A COMEDY FAN?

I GUESS SO.

YOU'VE SEEN "SAVED BY THE BELL," RIGHT?

I'M FAMILIAR WITH THAT PROGRAM.

OKAY, BE HONEST WITH ME. WHAT'S FUNNIER--

"SAVED BY THE BELL" OR ANY OF WOODY ALLEN'S LAST FIVE MOVIES?

I'M NOT TALKING "ANNIE HALL" OR "SLEEPER" EITHER.

I'M TALKING ABOUT HIS LAST FIVE MOVIES.

THE ONLY ONE I'VE SEEN IS "MATCH POINT,"

AND THAT WAS DRAMATICAL.

OH, COME ON. TRUE OR FALSE--

DUSTIN DIAMOND IS FUNNIER THAN LATE PERIOD WOODY ALLEN.

TRUE OR FALSE?

TRUE.

EAT A WING. NOT THAT ONE.

OH, OKAY. (grunting)

MMM.

SO YOU, UH, FEEL LIKE HAVING A LITTLE NIGHTCAP

BACK AT MY PLACE?

I DON'T THINK SO.

OH. OKAY.

UNLESS, UH...

WHAT?

NOTHING.

NO, PLEASE.

THERE WAS SOMETHING I WAS MEANING TO ASK YOU, BUT...

YEAH?

WELL, IT'S KIND OF A BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY--

A WAY FOR A COUPLE OF GUYS LIKE US TO TURN OUR LIVES AROUND.

I DON'T FOLLOW YOU.

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED IN YOUR LIFE DOING ANYTHING

THAT WASN'T COMPLETELY... YOU KNOW, 100% LEGIT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SOME SORT OF BONNIE AND CLYDE ACTION?

NOT BONNIE AND CLYDE, CLYDE AND CLYDE--YOU AND ME, BUDDY. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE HEADED WITH THIS,

AND FRANKLY, I DON'T WANT TO. LOOK, RALPH--

I'M A GOOD CATHOLIC BOY, OKAY?

I FIGURE IF I STAY OUT OF TROUBLE HERE ON EARTH,

WHEN I GET TO THE PEARLY GATES,

JESUS WILL LET THE WHOLE GAY THING SLIDE.

YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY.

RALPH, WAIT A SECOND. RALPH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, MAN.

I THOUGHT YOU LIKED ME.

I'M SORRY.

THIS IS NO GOOD.

"I LOVE YOU, JOHNNY CAKES."

WHAT? YOU DON'T WATCH "SOPRANOS"?

I CANNOT AFFORD SHOWTIME.

LOOK, I PRACTICALLY DID IT WITH THE DUDE,

AND WHAT DO WE HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT? NOTHING.

NO, NO, HEY, NOT QUITE NOTHING, CHIEF. I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

WE HAVE... THIS. HELLO.

(all speaking at once)

HUH? (makes kissing sounds)

OH, SURE FEELS GOOD

NOT TO BE THE GAYEST GUY IN THE ROOM FOR ONCE.

OH, YOU STILL THE GAYEST.

(chuckles) LOUIS, GO KISS EUGENE.

(all laughing)

SO FUNNY, I FORGOT TO LAUGH. OKAY, MEANWHILE,

OUR PLAN IS DOWN THE POOPSTER.

NOT NECESSARILY.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF DOING, SHANKAR?

YOU SAID RALPH'S BOSS

HAD A GUY FIRED FOR BEING A HOMOSEX, RIGHT? YEAH.

WE SEND THESE PHOTOS TO RALPH'S BOSS.

HE GET RALPH FIRED FOR BEING A HOMOSEX.

THAT CREATE AN OPENING WITH MICK JAGGER.

THEY FILL THAT OPENING WITH THEIR ONLY FLOATER,

MR. ROCKEFELLER BUTT.

BUT WAIT A SECOND. WE CAN'T JUST OUT THIS GUY.

WHY CAN'T WE OUT THE HOMOSEX? HE IS THE ENEMY!

SUDDENLY ALL HOMOSEX, WE MUST BE FRIENDED TO?

THAT'S NOT THE POINT, ALL RIGHT?

THIS PARTICULAR "HOMOSEX" IS ONE OF US.

OH! AIN'T ONE OF ME.

WE DON'T EVEN HAVE GAY IN INDIA.

NO, LOOK, HE'S LIKE A--

LIKE A WORKING STIFF JUST LIKE US GUYS, YOU KNOW?

AND I GOT TO KNOW THIS GUY, AND I KINDA LIKE HIM,

IRREGARDLESS OF HIS PRIVATE, UH, WIENER BUSINESS.

ALL RIGHT? SO WE DON'T DO THAT. WE DON'T BURN A GUY LIKE THIS--

A NICE GUY--THAT'S JUST NOT THE KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY WAY.

ARE YOU WITH ME, LOUIS?

I'M SORRY. WHAT?

WAIT A SECOND. WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND.

YEAH. WAIT A MINUTE. I GOT IT.

YES, EUGENE GURKIN'S BRAIN HAS FIGURED IT OUT ONCE AGAIN.

YES!

RALPH SAID HIS BOSS IS CHEATING WITH HIS SECRETARY.

SQUATCH, GET YOUR CAMERA.

(Hall & Oates' "Private Eyes" playing)

♪ PRIVATE EYES, THEY'RE WATCHING YOU ♪

♪ THEY SEE YOUR EVERY MOVE ♪

♪ PRIVATE EYES ♪

♪ THEY'RE WATCHING YOU ♪

♪ PRIVATE EYES ♪

♪ THEY'RE WATCHING YOU, WATCHING YOU, WATCHING YOU ♪

♪ WATCHING YOU, OOH ♪

♪♪♪

♪ PRIVATE EYES ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪

♪ WATCHING YOU ♪

♪ YEAH, THEY SEE YOUR EVERY MOVE ♪

♪ THEY SEE IT, PRIVATE EYES ♪

SO LAST NIGHT, I'M AT THE BAR. I MEET THIS GIRL.

SHE'S LIKE A CROSS

BETWEEN MISS DECEMBER 1993, ELISA BRIDGES,

AND MISS APRIL 2004, CARMELLA DeCESARE. MM-HMM.

SO I GET HER BACK TO MY PLACE, RIGHT? AS SOON AS I-- HEY, LISTEN UP, GENTLEMEN.

AS OF TODAY, FRANK CORTLAND IS NO LONGER WITH BURTON SECURITY.

HELL, YEAH.

CARNUCCI, I WANT YOU TO TAKE HIS PLACE.

YES, SIR. GOOD, BUT THAT LEAVES US ONE SHORT AT MICK JAGGER'S.

VAN HOOGSTRATTEN, SEE ME IN MY OFFICE.

WHAT IS IT?

YOU OKAY?

I'M IN. I'M IN.

YEAH!

(cheering)

CONGRATULATIONS!

(cheering continues)

NOW LET'S GO OUT THE HOMOSEX. (chuckles)

WHAT? HE'S GAY.

♪ KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY ♪

♪ ROBBIN' FROM THE RICH TO GIVE TO THEMSELVES ♪

♪ KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY ♪

♪ THEY EVEN MADE A T-SHIRT ♪

♪ KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY ♪

♪ ONE MORE TIME, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ♪

♪ KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY ♪

WE THE KNIGHTS, BABY. ♪ YEAH, HEY ♪