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1
00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:11,078
("Bolero" by Pink Martini
playing)
2
00:00:41,074 --> 00:00:43,110
♪
3
00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:58,959
("O Christmas Tree" playing)
4
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,468
No, sweetie.
That's a deadly glass ball
5
00:01:08,535 --> 00:01:10,671
that we hang
where babies can get it.
6
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:13,740
See? Deadly glass ball?
7
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,080
(coughs)
8
00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:21,515
- BART: Oh!
- LISA: Oh!
9
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,584
(yowls)
10
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:29,156
Huh? Todd Flanders?
How'd that get on our tree?
11
00:01:29,222 --> 00:01:32,125
Christmas is no time
to think about your neighbors.
12
00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:33,860
It's a very interesting story.
13
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:37,164
A Christmas story
of failing and redemption.
14
00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:39,633
Isn't that
every Christmas story?
15
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:43,136
A Christmas story of your
father's failing and redemption.
16
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:44,805
Isn't that every Homer story?
17
00:01:44,871 --> 00:01:46,807
This one also has a secret room,
18
00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:49,176
and it's set
six years in the past.
19
00:01:49,242 --> 00:01:52,379
Oh, thank God
it's not the horrible present.
20
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,847
What year did it happen?
21
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,515
Oh, you know the year.
22
00:01:55,582 --> 00:01:58,452
The Oscar went to an overrated
movie that nobody remembers,
23
00:01:58,518 --> 00:02:00,253
Tom Brady won the Super Bowl
24
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,122
and a public figure
had to apologize
25
00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:04,124
for saying something stupid.
26
00:02:04,191 --> 00:02:05,926
- Oh, that one.
- That year.
27
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:07,995
Oh, yeah. Mm‐hmm.
Remember it well.
28
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:09,796
Okay. So, Homer and I
29
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:12,666
were going
to the office Christmas party.
30
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,636
GRAMPA: I had just lost
my last adult tooth,
31
00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:18,605
- which they sayis worth thousands. - MARGE: Grampa.
32
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,008
- This is my story.
- Fine.
33
00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:22,442
We were getting ready...
34
00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:25,312
Listen, before we go,
I want to ask you a favor.
35
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,981
Don't drink at the office party.
36
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:30,450
But then
it just becomes a meeting.
37
00:02:30,517 --> 00:02:33,687
I'm serious. I don't want you
embarrassing yourself at work.
38
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:36,289
All right. I'll just drink soda.
39
00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:39,259
- Water is healthier.
- Not in this town.
40
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:43,830
Woo‐hoo! Kids, get the hot dogs!
41
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:46,299
Homer, that's not safe.
42
00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:48,869
(chuckles):
Marge, it's natural gas.
43
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:54,574
- ♪
- (indistinct chatter)
44
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,650
Marge. Marge,
Marge, Marge, Marge.
45
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:06,486
- When will you ever settle down?
- What the...?
46
00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:10,157
Hey, Marge,
want to rub shoulders?
47
00:03:10,223 --> 00:03:13,093
Cover yourself up
and quit hitting on my wife.
48
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,328
Oh, so now she's your wife.
49
00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:17,731
I've never been at a party
where I'm sober
50
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:20,233
and everyone else is drunk.
This is a nightmare.
51
00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:21,601
I know how you feel, pal.
52
00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:23,503
I haven't had a drink
in four years.
53
00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:25,806
You're so boring.
54
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:28,341
He's right. I am boring.
55
00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:32,446
We should give Homer
a little help
56
00:03:32,512 --> 00:03:34,548
- enjoying the party.
- Mm‐hmm.
57
00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:41,421
So, if you're all partying,
who's running the plant?
58
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:44,691
We got a dog that barks
when a light goes red.
59
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,526
(beeping)
60
00:03:48,528 --> 00:03:51,231
(yawns)
61
00:04:03,176 --> 00:04:06,179
Ah, it's nice to get close
to the workers once a year.
62
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:10,317
- Are you enjoying your holiday?
- I was just watching
63
00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:12,786
this fantastic movie,
It's a Wonderful Life.
64
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:14,554
A tribute
to my favorite character:
65
00:04:14,621 --> 00:04:17,657
the conniving, evil banker
who ruins Christmas Eve.
66
00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:20,761
I presume it ends
with Jimmy Stewart's suicide.
67
00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:22,496
Attention! Attention!
68
00:04:22,562 --> 00:04:25,766
I've arranged for some of
the latest hip music to be sung.
69
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:29,603
♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪
70
00:04:29,669 --> 00:04:33,473
♪ Good old Monty is our king ♪
71
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:36,943
♪ He's a mean old crocodile ♪
72
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:41,181
♪ Worse than jock itch
by a mile ♪
73
00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:44,684
♪ I can't wait
till Burnsy dies ♪
74
00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:49,022
♪ Watching vultures
eat his eyes. ♪
75
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:51,825
Not so fast. Release the hounds!
76
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:55,362
On, Slasher! On, Gasher!
On, Mangey and Nips 'Em!
77
00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:58,999
On, Stalker! On, Vicious!
On, Rabid and Rips 'Em!
78
00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:00,834
(hounds growl)
79
00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:09,843
Good night, Mr. Burns.
80
00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:17,083
Die! Die! Die!
81
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,619
And cool me whiskey.
82
00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:21,054
(people screaming)
83
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:24,558
♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out. ♪
84
00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:26,827
(harmonized scream)
85
00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:28,795
Homer, we've got to go.
86
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:31,731
Come on, can't I finish
filling my pants with shrimp?
87
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,333
Mm.
88
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,502
Ooh.
89
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,537
(siren wailing)
90
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:40,841
I don't know what happened.
91
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:43,109
What happened
is what happens every time.
92
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:46,246
You got drunk,
and you made a fool of yourself.
93
00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:48,915
(sobs softly)
94
00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:51,084
I don't want you coming home
95
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:53,587
until I know you've changed.
96
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,923
Good night.
97
00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:59,359
Uh, aren't you gonna get out?
98
00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:02,529
No, just drive me around
in circles, please.
99
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:06,633
Oh, sorry. You have to order
an Uber Sad for that.
100
00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:13,573
There, there. Prices
are always surging at Christmas.
101
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,643
Where do I go? Where do I go?
102
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,813
Hey. You got to bowl or go home.
103
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,148
♪ ♪
104
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,717
Skate or go home.
105
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,288
Go home or go home.
106
00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:30,757
Isn't a church
supposed to offer sanctuary?
107
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:33,727
I'll tell you what.
Quote one Bible verse,
108
00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:35,896
and I'll let you in.
109
00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:38,431
Um... "There once was a man
from Judaea
110
00:06:38,498 --> 00:06:41,167
who said to my wife,
'If I pay ya...'"
111
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,402
And no.
112
00:06:42,469 --> 00:06:44,771
Please. I have nowhere to go.
113
00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:47,574
Well, there is one person
114
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,910
that takes the homeless,
lost dogs,
115
00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:53,213
even grocery bags
carried off by the wind.
116
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:56,783
Oh. I don't know
how to put this.
117
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,219
Come on in, my brother.
118
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,022
You, too.
119
00:07:04,791 --> 00:07:07,427
Look, Maude. God blessed us
with another mouth
120
00:07:07,494 --> 00:07:09,863
- to feed.
- (scoffs)
121
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,474
More like a sinkhole
that likes french fries.
122
00:07:11,498 --> 00:07:13,800
Oh, now, Maude, Jesus said,
"Love your neighbor"
123
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,636
even though he never seemed
to live next to anyone.
124
00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:19,439
Please, Ned. I'm due any day.
125
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:22,475
Maude, when I look
in that man's face, I see Jesus.
126
00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:25,011
When you look at everything,
you see Jesus.
127
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,148
I bet you're seeing Jesus
right now.
128
00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:29,816
I love you so much.
129
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,451
Put him in your man cave.
130
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:32,786
Man cave?
131
00:07:32,852 --> 00:07:34,821
My Son of Man cave.
132
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,791
The Wi‐Fi password is
"sinners burn in hell."
133
00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:39,793
The second "S" is a dollar sign.
134
00:07:39,859 --> 00:07:42,629
The first "L" is a one.
The "E" in "sinners" is a three,
135
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,798
but the "E" in "hell"
is an "E" for "eternity."
136
00:07:44,864 --> 00:07:48,335
(groans) I'll just use
my data plan like an animal.
137
00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:52,639
(clattering)
138
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:54,908
You ate the Christmas ham.
139
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,943
And it wasn't even cooked.
140
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,578
Wait, wait.
You were saving that?
141
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,747
(exhales)
It was still in the plastic.
142
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,249
That was plastic? Uh‐oh.
143
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,585
I know it's tough, Marge,
144
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,020
but you're doing
the right thing.
145
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,588
Just like I raised him.
146
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,357
Punish, punish, punish.
147
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,759
And after it's much too late,
love.
148
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,728
It's not just this one thing.
149
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:17,630
It's a pattern
of constant disappointment.
150
00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:21,101
You must see it.
You live with us temporarily.
151
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,303
What do you mean, "temporarily"?
152
00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,271
Nothing. Nothing, nothing.
153
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,040
Have a good night.
154
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,877
(quiet whimpers)
155
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:36,149
Oh, I can't take this place.
156
00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:38,818
Ooh!
157
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:40,320
Aw.
158
00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:43,723
Even my peripheral vision
is betraying me.
159
00:08:48,895 --> 00:08:52,098
(snarls)
160
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:56,169
So, wife threw you out, eh?
161
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:59,973
- Yeah.
- We've got a nice, warm bed for you
162
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,509
in the lake of eternal flame!
163
00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:05,712
A house by the lake?
I could get some writing done.
164
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,580
In the lake.
165
00:09:07,647 --> 00:09:10,350
Oh, thank God.
Any excuse not to write.
166
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,786
(groans)
Kill me.
167
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:16,122
KRUSTY:
Hey, hey, kids.
168
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:17,424
Especially the little ones.
169
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,459
Here's an all‐new
Itchy & Scratchy.
170
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,127
Parental discretion advised.
171
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,797
But if they were around,
you wouldn't be watching.
172
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:25,698
(laughs)
173
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:27,800
Ah!
174
00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:30,036
Ah!
175
00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:34,140
(screams)
176
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:35,775
(both scream)
177
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,777
Where's Daddy?
178
00:09:37,844 --> 00:09:40,980
Um, he‐he won't be back
for a while.
179
00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:43,149
It's okay. I love Bart.
180
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:46,453
I love Bart.
I love Bart. I love Bart.
181
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,421
And I love Lisa.
182
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,657
BOTH:
I love you, I love you, I love you.
183
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:52,258
Oh, that's wonderful.
184
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:54,961
We can still have
a nice Christmas,
185
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,063
- even without your...
- (chuckles) Daddy's back.
186
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,331
Daddy's back.
187
00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,900
Look at that hat.
He must be a millionaire.
188
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,569
(both scream)
189
00:10:02,635 --> 00:10:04,270
Okay, it's time to go to bed.
190
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:06,239
We'll have fun tomorrow.
191
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,441
(both scream)
192
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,443
("Jingle Bells" playing)
193
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:15,081
See? Even without Daddy,
it's Christmas at the mall.
194
00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:19,018
Please give something.
195
00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:22,021
I'm about to be the first person
ever dishonorably discharged
196
00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:24,157
by the Salvation Army.
197
00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:30,430
Aw, that was a real beard.
198
00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:34,801
Can I get these
for me and Daddy?
199
00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:37,837
I'm not sure Daddy will be back
by Christmas.
200
00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:41,474
Ooh, I smell marital problems.
201
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:43,176
A salesman's dream.
202
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,512
Little boy,
if she doesn't buy it,
203
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:47,380
she doesn't love you.
204
00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:50,483
Really? And do you have
a happy homelife?
205
00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:52,952
Why, ye‐‐ No.
206
00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:57,891
Aw, poor fella.
I know what'll cheer him up.
207
00:10:57,957 --> 00:11:00,026
Homer, would you like
to say grace?
208
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,995
I'd rather just eat.
209
00:11:02,061 --> 00:11:03,496
No grace?
210
00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:05,965
Then I'm gonna let
my hair grow natural.
211
00:11:06,032 --> 00:11:07,032
(hair pops)
212
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:08,334
Homer, please.
213
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,436
Honor the Lord
until we're all bored.
214
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,738
(sighs)
215
00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:13,673
Dear God, how you doing?
216
00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,842
I know your son's
birthday's coming up.
217
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,444
Oh, with his mother, you say?
218
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,480
Oh, that's too bad.
219
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:23,616
Now, Homer, in this house,
grace is personal, pious,
220
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,185
and at least 500 words.
221
00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:26,619
Fine.
222
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,755
Thank You, O Lord,
for my wonderful home,
223
00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:30,023
which I'm not in.
224
00:11:30,089 --> 00:11:32,926
And my beautiful family,
which I can't see.
225
00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:35,461
I mean,
Flanders is great and all,
226
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,631
but even you must think
he's kind of a jackass.
227
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,500
What's a jackass?
228
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,302
It's a silly person, Roddy.
229
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,304
Daddy, you're a jackass.
230
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:46,539
Sheesh. The mouth on that kid.
231
00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:49,509
Ned, that man has got to go.
232
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,878
Maude, you know we can't
turn away someone in need
233
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:53,479
right before Christmas.
234
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,648
You're right.
I forgot my Christian values.
235
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,618
Could you please get our guest
some Christmas candy?
236
00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:00,720
Absotively.
237
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:03,823
Get the hell out.
238
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,225
(whimpers)
239
00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:08,228
Where'd he go?
240
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:10,163
Can't be a rapture, I know that.
241
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,232
- HOMER: Yep.
- Scram!
242
00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:15,902
I have no luck.
243
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:24,244
Just keep bringing me drinks
244
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:26,312
until I pass out
under this table.
245
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:29,315
Also, you have tables?
246
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,020
Why aren't you home with Midge?
247
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:37,523
I've been kicked out.
I have no place to go.
248
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,992
Oh, you poor guy.
249
00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:40,493
Let's take a walk.
250
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,266
Finally.
251
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,707
Aw...
252
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,010
(groans)
253
00:12:57,076 --> 00:13:00,013
If only I could get back
in there tonight.
254
00:13:00,079 --> 00:13:01,914
Well, uh, actually,
there is a way.
255
00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:04,450
What are you talking about?
256
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:07,220
There's a tiny little room
above your garage
257
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,621
that you've never noticed.
258
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:11,457
Until Marge forgives you,
you can hide out in there.
259
00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:13,926
Have you ever stayed up there?
260
00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:17,730
I haven't, but, uh, I did rent
it out to a nice Irish family.
261
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,832
(sad flute melody plays)
262
00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:24,804
Oh, Ma, this is the best place
we've ever lived.
263
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:27,674
We only have to clean
Moe's bar for seven years,
264
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,709
and then we get
our passports back.
265
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:40,687
("Silent Night" playing)
266
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,029
♪
267
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:56,302
LISA:
God bless Bart. God bless Mommy.
268
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:58,838
God bless Santa.
Santa bless God.
269
00:13:58,905 --> 00:14:02,108
And especially God bless Daddy.
270
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,243
BART:
God, I don't know if you could do this,
271
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,646
but I want a different father.
272
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:09,182
(sobs) I'm home.
273
00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:17,557
("Carol of the Bells" playing)
274
00:14:34,907 --> 00:14:36,342
(music fades)
275
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:39,345
So cozy. Ooh, cheese!
276
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:40,847
Rat trap! Ow!
277
00:14:40,913 --> 00:14:42,348
Ooh, more cheese.
278
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:44,350
Rat trap! Ow!
279
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:45,852
Ooh, rat trap!
280
00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:48,121
Cheese! Ow!
281
00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:51,090
At least I haven't seen
any spiders.
282
00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:55,595
Cool. Now that I'm a bachelor
again, my hair is coming back.
283
00:14:55,661 --> 00:14:57,430
Aah!
284
00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:01,534
(phone rings)
285
00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:05,271
Hey, Lenny.
286
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,140
Yeah, I'm doing okay.
287
00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:09,308
You're living the life
you always dreamed of:
288
00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:11,077
not being able to stand.
289
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:14,280
I'm so lonely I made a Marge
from insulation.
290
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:15,415
LISA:
Mommy?
291
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:17,283
Bart and I decided we'll give up
292
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:20,119
all our toys for Christmas
if Daddy can come back.
293
00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:21,654
But I'll need double
on my birthday.
294
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,122
Take it or leave it.
295
00:15:23,189 --> 00:15:25,158
What's happened to you?
296
00:15:25,224 --> 00:15:27,560
BART:
I'm becoming a jerk because I have no dad.
297
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:30,296
MARGE:
So you'll be better if he comes back?
298
00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:33,166
BART:
Maybe not, but you won't get all the blame.
299
00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:35,301
♪ ♪
300
00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:43,609
Well, I want him back, too.
301
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,011
BOTH:
Yay!
302
00:15:45,077 --> 00:15:47,580
MARGE:
I want him back, but I need your father
303
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,449
to do one great thing.
304
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:50,850
One thing to show
305
00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:53,286
that all the nonsense
I put up with has a point.
306
00:15:53,352 --> 00:15:55,121
Now, we're going to go
to midnight mass
307
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,956
without your father.
308
00:15:57,023 --> 00:15:59,258
Aw, missing church.
309
00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:02,028
This is the saddest
I've ever been happy.
310
00:16:02,094 --> 00:16:03,729
(car departing)
311
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:05,832
("O Holy Night" playing)
312
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,107
One thing. One gesture.
313
00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:16,642
(gasps)
I know!
314
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:20,446
I'll do the thing that Christmas
is really all about!
315
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,782
Make cookies.
316
00:16:24,016 --> 00:16:25,785
Dad made cookies!
317
00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:26,786
Yay!
318
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,120
How many did you eat?
319
00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:30,723
Most but not all.
320
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:33,326
(gasps)
Oh, that's wonderful!
321
00:16:33,392 --> 00:16:34,894
Mwah.
322
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,830
(gasping, shouting)
323
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,503
(groans)
No forgiveness, no cookies,
324
00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:44,937
and I burned the good drapes
325
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,473
so we'll have to get
corncob curtains.
326
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,775
(sighs)
I need a miracle,
327
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:52,011
but those never happen
at Christmas.
328
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:53,846
(Maude groaning)
329
00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:55,481
MAUDE:
Contraction!
330
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:58,684
Oh, if only that pregnant woman
would stop that racket
331
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,019
so I could think.
332
00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:01,721
You could deliver the baby.
333
00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:02,722
Wait, who are you?
334
00:17:02,788 --> 00:17:03,956
I'm your brain.
335
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:05,400
How come I haven't heard
from you before?
336
00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:07,426
Your stomach gets all the bloo.
337
00:17:07,493 --> 00:17:08,761
You shut up about that!
338
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,229
I know where you live.
339
00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:12,064
Oh, the baby's coming.
340
00:17:12,131 --> 00:17:14,400
Oh, wh‐where's your father?
341
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:17,603
He's delivering
Christmas turkeys to the poor.
342
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:19,105
That selfish jerk.
343
00:17:19,171 --> 00:17:22,041
Did somebody order
an unlikely hero?
344
00:17:22,108 --> 00:17:24,544
Maude, let's get you
to the hospital.
345
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:25,778
(moans)
No.
346
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,113
It's too late.
347
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:30,149
Then I'll deliver this baby
myself.
348
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,318
How are you gonna do that?
349
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,753
The same way I learned
350
00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:36,556
what the top ten bass solos
through history are‐‐
351
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:38,424
through YouTube.
352
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:41,794
("My Generation"
bass solo playing)
353
00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:44,597
Oh, there's always a commercial.
354
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:47,300
There will be a time,
mark my words,
355
00:17:47,366 --> 00:17:51,070
where the monkey attempts
to eat your face.
356
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:56,842
If you've done
everything correctly,
357
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,679
your mother‐to‐be
is calm and peaceful.
358
00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:01,113
(groans)
Shut up.
359
00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:02,715
You know nothing.
360
00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:05,051
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to get angry.
361
00:18:05,117 --> 00:18:06,118
That's okay.
362
00:18:06,185 --> 00:18:07,553
Of course it's okay!
363
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:08,554
(moans)
364
00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:09,956
Could you do me a favor?
365
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:10,957
(grunts)
366
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:11,958
Anything.
367
00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:13,059
Pretend to be Ned.
368
00:18:13,125 --> 00:18:14,727
(huffing)
369
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,062
Okay.
370
00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:17,463
(stammering)
371
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:18,598
Oodily doodily.
372
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:21,033
Uh, no clownin',
that baby's crownin'.
373
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,302
You're almost out of labor,
neighbor.
374
00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:25,805
No, no. The real Ned.
375
00:18:25,871 --> 00:18:28,240
Um, uh, uh,
I'm a left‐handed weirdo
376
00:18:28,307 --> 00:18:29,976
with a cop mustache.
377
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,744
No. No, no, no.
(moans)
378
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:35,748
I mean the quiet,
wonderful man I married.
379
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:36,815
All right.
380
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,150
To help you deliver this baby,
381
00:18:38,217 --> 00:18:40,086
I'll make
the ultimate sacrifice.
382
00:18:40,152 --> 00:18:42,555
I'll act like a weenie.
383
00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:45,324
Maude, I know I'll love heaven
384
00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:47,426
because you've made one for me
on Earth.
385
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:50,830
Let's bring another angel
into this world.
386
00:18:53,165 --> 00:18:54,767
Perfectly normal.
387
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:57,803
Eight fingers and eight toes.
388
00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:59,171
Aw.
389
00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:00,439
How long have you been here?
390
00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:03,075
Long enough to see
the man I married
391
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,411
is heroic and wise
392
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:08,047
and capable and brave
393
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,582
- and...
- Give me my baby!
394
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,417
I guess it is mostly yours.
395
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:12,418
Here.
396
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,954
Homie, you did great.
397
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:17,156
Mmm!
398
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,392
Oh, Maude.
399
00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:20,593
I'm so sorry.
400
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:21,694
It's okay, Neddy.
401
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,462
I was in good hands.
402
00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:26,098
I redeemed myself at Christmas,
403
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,299
like the Grinch,
404
00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:28,734
the Die Hard guy
405
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,369
and Scrooged.
406
00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:32,738
In honor of today,
407
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:35,207
we're gonna name our son Homer.
408
00:19:35,274 --> 00:19:36,275
‐(grunts) ‐Uh...
409
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,810
Todd Homer Flanders.
410
00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:40,146
Todd's middle name is Homer?
411
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:41,814
Yep. And for similar reasons,
412
00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:44,450
Maggie's middle name is Lenny.
413
00:19:45,551 --> 00:19:49,321
But that's a story
for the next Arbor Day.
414
00:19:49,388 --> 00:19:50,990
Well, I want to see
your secret room.
415
00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:52,892
Oh‐oh‐oh, not so fast, boy.
416
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:55,494
First you have to tell me
one of your secrets.
417
00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:56,996
Okay. Not saying why,
418
00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:59,331
but you might want to get
a new toothbrush.
419
00:19:59,398 --> 00:20:01,067
(chuckles)
420
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,468
You, too, son.
421
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:03,569
You, too.
422
00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:11,177
And I found out something else
about the day you were born.
423
00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:12,611
What?
424
00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:14,780
You were born
with a full set of teeth.
425
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,282
And here they are!
426
00:20:16,348 --> 00:20:18,417
(shrieking)
427
00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:20,019
GRAMPA:
Where are my dentures?!
428
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,353
I got a hot date tonight,
429
00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:23,556
and I want to show off
by eatin' chicken.
430
00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:27,093
What am I doin' up there?
431
00:20:32,431 --> 00:20:33,999
(chuckling)
432
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,102
(moaning)
433
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:40,372
(chuckles)
434
00:20:40,439 --> 00:20:41,807
You think the kids can hear?
435
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:44,443
No, no, everything up here
is totally soundproof.
436
00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:46,445
Well, don't let me stop youse.
437
00:20:46,512 --> 00:20:48,481
What? What are you lookin' at?
438
00:20:48,547 --> 00:20:50,525
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
439
00:20:50,549 --> 00:20:52,485
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
440
00:20:52,551 --> 00:20:54,487
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
441
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:56,565
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
442
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,624
("Carol of the Bells" playing)
443
00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:29,522
Shh!
444
00:21:29,572 --> 00:21:34,122
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