Original subtitles

♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

♪

‐ Alright, Terry, I'm switching on the Neutronium Diode.

This thing's a temperamental little slut

so be ready to cut the power source ASAP.

As Shlorpian as possible. TERRY: [over headset] Gotcha, buddy!

[machine whirring] ‐ Oh! Terry, turn it off!

Terry! Do it now! Ow, fucking ow, ow, ow, fuck!

Terry! Fuck! Ow! Terry! Ow! Terry!

TERRY: Gotcha, buddy!

Gotcha, buddy! Gotcha, buddy!

Gotcha, buddy! Gotcha, buddy!

Gotcha, buddy!

[banging] [muffled screaming]

‐ Oh crap, I forgot about Korvo!

‐ Help, Terry. I think I'm dying.

Please, cancel my subscription to Goop.

‐ Oh god, oh no, I'm so sorry, Korv.

Now‐now is it the green button or the yellow one.

I'm such a Forgetful Frankie Muniz.

That's not a joke, he had a serious head injury. [Korvo screaming]

‐ Oh!

Ahh!

[machine powers down]

Terry, I'm gonna ask you one time and you better not lie:

did you abandon your post and go to Disneyland?

‐ What? No, I was‐‐

[Chewbacca roar] I got these at Target.

‐ I know for a fact they don't sell those at Target.

‐ Online they do. Black Friday deal, got an email.

‐ Dammit, it probably went to my spam.

Fucking Hulumail sucks. Will you forward it to me?

‐ I'd have to get back to you. Let's get you down from there.

‐ Ohhh! ‐ Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

Which button is it again?

Which button is it? ‐ Terry!

KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

[stammers] This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

Why are they all so excited about keeping themselves alive?

Don't they know when you die you come back stronger

and with an earthier flavor?

♪

[school bell rings]

‐ Sigourney Weaver is your perfect Earth babe?

‐ Uh, yeah!

She's a woman of science,

she already has a prior relationship with aliens,

and she has the biceps of a young Al Gore.

‐ She's one handsome lady, that's for sure.

I'd put a bun in that oven.

‐ [grunts] Ahh!

‐ Yo, check it. This dickless dork has a poster of Sigourney Weaver!

‐ How dare you, she's America's hot older aunt!

‐ I know! [groans]

Which is why you have no business hanging a poster of her in your locker.

‐ She tried to save the Na'vi while making smoking look cool again.

What the fuck did you ever do?

‐ You will never be strong enough, cool enough,

or confident enough to get a woman like Sigi Weave.

‐ Ohh! [students laugh]

‐ Principal Cooke, are you gonna do something about this bullying?

‐ Yes.

Two weeks detention for thinking you could ever date

a goddess like Sigourney Weaver!

She won a spoken‐word Grammy, you piece of shit!

‐ You okay? ‐ What? Of course. Are you okay?

‐ I am super, capital S.

I thought Stacy K. flicked a booger at me in math

but turns out it was just an eraser,

so I guess we're BFFs now.

‐ Jesus, Jesse, stop badgering me!

Fine, I'm not okay! Is that what you want to hear?

I just, I want to destroy those cool kids,

but Korvo deactivated all the awesome weapons in my suit.

‐ You know what you should do?

Go to a gym, start lifting weights, maybe some CrossFit

and then when you're all swole and shit,

you can come back and beat up all those cool kids.

‐ You really think that would work?

‐ Totally! So you're gonna take my idea and hit the gym?

‐ Hell, no, your ideas suck.

I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

They'll never see it coming!

‐ Don't say poisonous‐‐ ‐ Poisonous snakes!

‐ Hola, Korvito! I got you some Texi‐Mexi from Pedro's

to say sorry for that little thing earlier.

I scored you a bunch of salsa!

‐ Terry, for the last time, salsa is not a real apology.

And you know the only food I like eating at those Mexican restaurants

are those sliced radishes! Mm!

‐ More for me! Hey, so what's this bad boy all about?

‐ Don't touch. This "bad boy" can send warranty letters

back to the factory on Shlorp that made the Diode in the first place.

‐ Wait, didn't Shlorp blow up like a new Lizzo single? Topical.

‐ Yes, but this uses a temporal address

that can send the letter back in time to before Shlorp went boom‐boom‐pow.

I was trying to piggyback on‐on‐on your, on your reference to music.

[cough]

Then they'll be able to fix this defect before it even leaves the factory.

Now sit back and watch Korvo

as he... fixes everything.

[electricity crackling, machine whirring]

[electricity crackling]

‐ We got another complaint about the defect

on Diode number zork‐6915.

And also, who keeps eating my lunch?

Seriously. It has my name on it, guys.

Stop fucking smiling, Grant, I know it's you!

♪

‐ Oh, I get it, so this mailbox works just like the one

from the Sandy Bullock tear‐jerker The Lake House.

‐ First, her God ‐ given name is Sandra, show some respect.

And second, this is a highly scientific, carefully calibrated portal

that acts as a quantum time travel customer service line.

It's not "like" some crappy movie nobody's ever seen.

‐ First, not a crappy movie.

Two, everybody's seen it.

And three, it's basically the thing from the movie!

‐ Goddammit, Terry, it's nothing like The Lake House!

[Korvo sobbing]

So it's a little exactly like The Lake House.

‐ Told ya!

Maybe now you'll finally believe that I saw a "The Meg" when I went snorkeling.

‐ Oh my god, you did not see a "The Meg."

Let's get back to work,

and you need to clean up the popcorn you spilled

when Keanu took his shirt off.

‐ Yeah, no thanks on the whole "getting back to work" plan.

Instead, I'm gonna crush a big bag of Buffalo‐flavored Snickers

while I lay here and fart.

‐ Terry, straight‐up, real talk,

why are you such a lazy piece of shit?

‐ Great question, KV. I was grown this way.

I've been lazy all my life, ever since I was a little replicant

birddogging thotties on the playground.

Just me and the thots.

‐ Wouldn't you rather be like me,

rule following, hardworking, slim.

Basically fucking amazing.

‐ Look, nothing and no one at this present time and space

is gwan change me.

[singing] You can't change me, you can't change me‐‐

‐ This gives me a very specific idea.

Computer, activate AISHA.

AISHA: Korvo, make it quick, you know I'm watchin' my stories.

‐ If I were to change the address on the letter

I send through The Lake House device ,

will it get delivered to any Shlorpian in the past?

AISHA: Technically, yes, but non‐warranty time travel voids the warranty.

‐ Hmmm, I do like warranties. But it's worth a shot.

Dearest Young Terry, I pray this letter finds you well...

[electricity crackles]

[drone buzzing]

[gasps]

KORVO: My sincere hope is that you will dedicate your life to science

and cleaning up and not being such a lazy piece of shit.

The truth is, if you don't do those things,

your blood will turn into shlorbats.

You know what they are. Your friend, mystery person.

‐ I'd better stop being lazy!

‐ Sorry, Yum, I'm fresh out of the super poisonous snakes.

‐ What else you got, Derek?

‐ These platypi got stingers in 'em that emit a poison

that can seriously fuck somebody up.

‐ Really? They look so cute.

‐ Cute? Check this. Rodney tests all my shit. Yo, Rod!

Show 'em, Ney.

[growling]

‐ Aah! Oh!

[panting] ‐ Sweet! I'll take ‘em.

[slippers squeaking] ‐ Good morning, sleepy‐peepy!

You just getting up? ‐ Yes.

Ha‐have you been getting a jump start on the day?

‐ You know it, my man!

I already did all the work on the ship,

cleaned the house, folded the laundry.

You know what they say, if you're a lazy piece of shit,

your blood will turn to bats!

‐ Holy fuck, The Lake House device worked!

This is a lot of power, gotta be careful about not abusing it.

Are you eating Honey Nut Hulios with a fork?

‐ Uh, yeah, that's how you eat them.

I'm sorry if it's annoying.

I like the feeling of the tines on my teeth.

‐ Ugh. I'll be right back.

[slippers squeaking]

[electricity crackling, machine whirring]

‐ Korvo, just finishing eating my cereal with a spoon like a normal person.

Hey, after I'm done, do you want to spend all afternoon

ranking our favorite buttons on the ship?

I mean, number one has to be laser number 17.

But number two... who fucking knows!

Ha, ha! ‐ I would love to.

[platypuses growling] ‐ Ow! Stop! Ow, heel, bitches!

JESSE: When you're all swole and shit,

you can come back and beat up all those cool kids.

‐ That's a good idea‐‐ ow!

Fuck you, platypussies!

[people screaming] [tires squealing]

[cars crash]

Hello, my name is Yumyulack. Yeah, I know it's a dope name.

I need to get super jacked and swole with lots of muscles and confidence

so people will respect me and I won't feel like such a loser.

So, obviously, the stakes are high.

Oh, and it has to be done by the time school starts tomorrow.

‐ Wish we could help, friend, but we used to be losers just like you.

We thought if we just got buff then people would respect us.

‐ We spent years lifting weights and shooting steroids.

I literally can't see my balls, they've shrunk so much.

And then there's the acne.

‐ We're taking backne, crackne, and sackne.

The Holy Trinity, yo.

‐ But y‐you guys look so confident.

‐ It's fake, man.

Take it from me, you can't manufacture it

out of a cocktail of Viagra, HGH,

and some of Jon Hamm's pee.

It can't be built in a gym.

It has to be inside you the whole time.

‐ Well, who has it then?

BOTH: That guy.

[cell phone chimes]

‐ That Pete Davidson‐looking dork?

What does he have? ‐ B‐D‐E.

Big Dick Energy.

[device beeping] YUMYULACK: Holy shit!

BDE is legit.

‐ Oh yeah. But you can't get it, you have to be born with it.

‐ We'll sci‐fi see about that.

[platypus growls] Ow!

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

‐ Hey, Yum, how'd that platypus deal work out for you?

‐ I bailed on it. Went to the gym.

‐ Oh, great. I knew I was right.

‐ Nope, bailed on that too.

I'm making a large penis for myself instead.

‐ Wow, you've had quite a journey since I last saw you.

‐ It's called Big Dick Energy and when I get it, I'll be unstoppable.

‐ I don't know, a big dick seems really dangerous.

[machine whirring] [gasps]

[both scream]

[bell dings]

[gasps] Oh!

‐ Now let's take this new big dick out for a spin.

‐ Whatever you want to do is cool.

‐ Damn right, it is.

♪ Who dat hot boy, who gone keep it realer ♪

♪ Jewelry on my neck, rockin' chinchilla ♪

♪ Roll on fat rims, tell 'em come and get it ♪

♪ Yah luv the way I spit it, get it how we live it ♪

♪ We make a splash... ♪

‐ Yumyulack, sorry about the other day.

Here's a handsaw and some stuck porn

I confiscated off another kid.

We're good? Yeah, w‐w‐we're good. Yeah.

‐ Eh, there we go.

Finally finished washing the little guy!

If you don't clean the Pupa, your blood turns to bats.

It's kind of amazing how many things turn your blood to bats, you know.

‐ Oh, ha, I know all about that.

Uh, okay, so it's time for movie night.

I thought we could screen this training video about levers.

It's‐it's very captivating.

‐ Ohhh, "F" that weak noise!

We're watching all the Fast and Furious movies

in chronological order!

The way Vinnie Diesel intended it.

‐ I'll be right back.

[electricity crackling, machine whirrs]

‐ [chanting] Levers! Levers! Levers!

Levers are the best!

Oh, you guys are just in time for movie night.

We're watching this awesome doc on‐‐

‐ Nah, fam, for once we're watching what I want to watch,

either YouTube clips of Russian car accidents or Paddington 2.

TERRY: Whatever you want. KORVO: Sounds great.

‐ Oh geez. BDE is real.

And it is formidable.

‐ ♪ It's wavey, baby, it's wavey ♪

‐ Yo, yo, check it, this is my imitation of a guy in Fortnite.

Oh, I'm walking into a wall, what am I gonna do?

‐ Yum, your shit is L‐M‐A‐O.

You're like a real‐life meme.

[camera shutter clicks] ‐ ♪ It's wavey, baby, it's wavey ♪

[electricity crackling]

‐ Terry, um, could you clean and prepare all 72,000 micronauts.

I‐I‐I need to fix the hyderdeck?

‐ You bet your butt, Team Leader!

♪ Put your money up, or else I gotta go ♪

♪ My wrist frostbit, blinded by the ice ♪

♪ Breaking big bills, shaking that dice ♪

♪ Oriental rugs, to wipe my shoes on ♪

[electricity crackling, machine whirring]

‐ Hmm.

♪ Sipping champagne, whippin' dat wood grain ♪

♪ I could buy a mansion, if I sold my chain ♪

♪ Already got those, I'm living alright... ♪

[electricity crackling]

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Don't forget to tune in this week

for Saturday Night Live [audience cheering and applauding]

with host Yumyulack

and musical guest Yumyulack!

‐ I gotta tell you, this BDE thing is hella cray‐cray.

You even made the WNBA cool.

Like, to everybody. Not just me.

‐ It's actually a better brand of basketball than the men's game

'cause they have to focus on the fundamentals.

[energy crackling]

JESSE: Idris Elba?

Star of HBO's The Wire?

I loved you in Molly's Game!

You had so many words to say , and you got almost some of them right!

‐ 'Ello, Jesse.

‐ You know my name? I'm seriously going to plotz.

‐ I know everything about you.

And your boy Yumyulack here.

We've been watching you.

‐ Who's been watching me, Idris Elba?

‐ The Big Dick Energy Council.

We are a secret and mystic fraternity, too complicated to explain, mate‐‐

‐ Oh, let me guess, it's like a bunch of people with big dicks?

‐ Yep, that's pretty much it. But you have to understand,

for centuries, our council has been tasked

with keeping a delicate balance of energy in the world,

but your new BDE is buggering it all up.

‐ [whispers] Buggering means fucking in British.

‐ I know what buggering means!

‐ I came to offer you a spot on the council.

Christian Bale stepped down after he lost all that penis weight for a movie.

You could be one of the greats,

but only we can show you how to harness your power for good.

‐ My answer... is no!

I don't need you or your stupid council!

‐ BDE is a power stronger than any man

and if you're not careful, it will consume you.

‐ Are you threatening me, Idris Elba?

‐ Just keeping it real, mate.

‐ Well, why don't you keep this real, mate.

I'm gonna make a dick so big

that you and your stupid council will be begging me to suck it!

[sniffs]

‐ Mmm, ass smells like Luther.

‐ Alright, this is usually when the ship starts to drag because of‐‐

‐ The effects of zero gravity but if we just‐‐

BOTH: Accelerate the constant thrust trajectory

time dilation won't be a problem!

‐ Yeah! [sighs]

‐ I gotta say, Terry. Working on the ship with you,

it just makes me so happy.

This is perfect. You are perfect.

Nothing more needs to be done.

‐ Man, I feel the same way. I love working on sci‐fi stuff with you.

It's so tight!

‐ Ech, I hate when you say that.

‐ What? "Tight"? Too bad 'cause saying tight is like

the tightest tight thing of all,

so I'm gonna keep saying it until "lit" gets cool again.

Tight! Tighty‐tight tight!

‐ I'll be right back.

This is it. Last one.

I swear. No more after this.

[electricity crackling, machine whirring]

Terry, should we get back to our non‐tight sci‐fi stuff?

[crying] Are you okay? Terry?

‐ Come on. Come on. ‐ Terry!

[yells]

Aah!

‐ Korvo!

‐ What are you doing?

‐ I'm hosting SNL this week,

and I need all the BDE I can summon 'cause I'm not funny!

‐ But Idris Elba told you not to mess with the BDE!

‐ Idris Elba doesn't know dick from dick!

Aah! [bell dings]

[gasps]

And he sure as hell doesn't know dick from two dicks!

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

[panting]

[both grunt]

‐ Oh!

Oh fuck, I fucked up! I‐I‐I broke Terry.

‐ Korvo! I'm gonna kill you!

Aha!

‐ Terry, I'm really sorry about what happened.

But don't worry, I‐I'm gonna write you a letter saying "be yourself"

or‐or something more eloquent.

I‐I'll workshop it, you know, for a little while probably‐‐

I promise you will go back to being the way you were!

‐ I don't wanna change! I like who I am now!

I like wearing women's eye shadow and murdering you!

‐ Aah!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: It's Saturday Night Live !

Ladies and gentlemen, your host, Yumyulack!

Oh my god!

[screaming]

‐ Run! Everyone run! I can't control it.

Idris Elba was right.

[man screaming] Idris Elba was right!

[rumbling, glass shattering]

[both grunting]

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

[Geiger counter crackling, beeping rapidly]

[screaming]

[men shouting over each other]

‐ We have no choice! We're running out of time, goddammit!

We have to blow Yumyulack up. ‐ No!

‐ But, General Mills, it will destroy Manhattan

and kill thousands of innocent people!

‐ General Hospital, it's a loss I am willing to take.

Plus, the improv scene's dead here anyway.

‐ Alright, it's DEFDICK ONE.

It's time to ready the bombers!

[both shouting over each other]

‐ There's only one person that can help.

I just hope I can get to them on time without giving away who it is.

[rumbling]

‐ Ahh! Ahh!

Ahh! [thudding footsteps]

Ohh!

Sigourney Weaver? Is that you?

‐ It is I, Susan Alexander Weaver.

‐ Wait, that's your real name?

‐ Yes, but I go by Sigourney. ‐ Good call.

Sigourney, I went too far.

I flew too close to the big dick sun

and now everyone is gonna die.

‐ Hush, my child.

No one is dying today.

Because I have the one and only thing,

since the beginning of time,

that can stop BDE.

You see, I am made of pure NFG.

No Fucks Given.

Yes, that's right, my sweet, sweet boy,

I don't give a fuck.

‐ That's so cool.

I was thinking of getting the Arby's logo tattooed on my back.

‐ No. Now just sit back and relax.

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

‐ [gasps] That was amazing.

You saved the world.

‐ Yumyulack, you don't need BDE

to become the person you want to be.

You just have to believe in yourself

and, say it with me now‐‐

Not give a fuck. ‐ Sell weed to the cool kids.

Right, sorry, not give a fuck.

‐ I'm so glad your penises aren't blowing up anymore.

‐ I got to meet Sigourney Weaver.

‐ I know, I called her. And she came! ‐ But how did you‐‐

‐ I'm a junior member!

I can't vote at meetings, but I do get a hoodie.

‐ But I‐I don't understand, you were under my BDE spell.

‐ I was just watching and waiting for the right time.

‐ Wh‐why did you wait until after my dicks blew up and destroyed the city?

‐ I told you I'm a junior member!

I don't know all the stuff yet!

[thunder rumbles]

[panting]

‐ Ahh!

[groaning]

Ahh! Terry, this is all my fault.

I wrote those letters to make you into something that you weren't.

It turned you into a murderous psychopath. That was wrong.

If you let me send this last letter, it will undo everything. I promise.

‐ You promise? ‐ Yes, Terry! I promise.

‐ [menacing voice] Too late.

[groaning]

‐ Read it, Terry.

Don't be a little bitch.

‐ I will never read it.

This is who I am now. And nothing will change me!

♪ old‐timey romantic music playing ♪ ‐ Oh.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[knife vibrating]

♪

♪

[camera shutter clicking]

♪

♪

♪

[gasps]

KORVO: Dearest Terry, just be yourself.

That will always be good enough for me.

Also, blood can't turn into shlorbats.

I can't believe you bought that, it's so dumb.

You're the dumbest idiot ever, ha ha ha.

Your friend, Korvo. [sighs]

♪

♪

‐ Dear Korvo, if you are ever being chased

by a super‐handsome murderous psychopath,

turn left!

[electricity crackling, machine whirring]

[groaning]

Turn left! I have to turn left!

♪

[electricity crackling, machine whirring]

[sighs]

♪

‐ Hey, hey! Korvotron, you okay?

I'm chopping up some tomatoes to make my special salsa.

Dude, I hope you aren't getting sick,

'cause I am really not feeling like doing any work on the ship today.

Come on, you wanna watch all the Fast and Furious movies with me,

including Fast and the Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw?

‐ Yes, Terry,

that would be... tight.

♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

♪

[mimicking laser fire]