Original subtitles

Grady!

Grady? Grady.

Oh. Hey.

Good goobully-woo, what happened to you?

Well, I fell off the back of the truck.

Well, how did you do a dumb thing like that?

Well, the tailgate on the truck is broken,

and I fell off.

Well, it's a good thing you didn't break your tailgate.

Look, I don't want to talk about it,

and why don't you slow down

before you wear yourself out?

Oh, I'm not going to wear myself out.

My tailgate is fastened...

and besides,

I've got to get this house cleaned.

With your father still away in St. Louis,

I have to take charge of things just like he said,

and he said, "Grady, keep it clean..."

and I've got to get it clean before I can keep it clean...

and anyway, why don't you go in the kitchen

and eat the lunch that I fixed for you?

Hey, you fixed me lunch?

Well, sure I did.

Fred put me in charge, and one of the things he said

was, "Be sure and fix Lamont lunch

"whatever you do.

He's my one and only son, so be sure and fix him lunch."

Did Pop really say that?

Well, actually, what he said

was, "Fix the dummy his lunch, or he'll get mad."

It's in the refrigerator.

It's peanut butter and sardine on Jewish rye...

with a touch of mayonnaise.

Do you think you can handle

peanut butter and sardine on Jewish rye with mayonnaise

with that one arm?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

All right.

Oh, hi there, um, um... Esther.

Yeah.

Is Fred still in St. Louis?

Yeah, Fred's still in St. Louis.

Good. I'll say a prayer for the state of Missouri.

Yeah.

Well, what can I do for you, Chester?

Esther.

Oh, yeah.

What can I do for you?

Well, with Fred gone,

I'd like to bring my Bible group over here

for a meeting.

Well, why do you want to bring them over here?

I have to.

Our usually meeting place has been condemned.

Oh, gee whiz.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Yes, we all were, especially Sister Hannah.

She was the one who fell through the floor.

Fell through the floor? Uh, uh, uh.

I sure hope she wasn't hurt too bad.

No. She busted her hip.

Lucky for her, she's got a lot of hip...

but the poor thing is walking crooked, like this.

Uh, uh, uh.

So that's why this place will be just fine,

since that heathenish Fred isn't here.

Oh. Well, you see,

I'm afraid you can't have your Bible meetings here.

What? Why not?

Well, when Fred left, he put me in charge,

and he said if you were to come over here

asking about having a Bible meeting,

that I was to say "no,"

so I'm saying "no."

Look, sucker...

the Lord sent this heavenly opportunity

to put some holiness into this house.

That's why he sent Fred to St. Louis,

and the Lord is telling me to get the show on the road.

Well, I don't know what the Lord said,

but Fred said "no Bible meetings,"

and since I'm in charge, I'm saying "no Bible meetings."

You know what you're doing?

You're doing the devil's work

and interfering with God's mission.

You are just like that heathen Fred.

You are unholy sinner

and a heathenish, foul Philistine.

Sticks and stones can break my bones,

but names will never hurt me.

Okay, I'll get some sticks and stones

and break your bones,

and the name that'll hurt you

will be Esther.

I don't like to strike a woman,

but if I'm forced to defend myself, I will,

and let the chips fall where they may.

And some of them chips may cross your lips.

Now, wait a minute.

Aunt Esther, Grady, stop it!

Stop it.

Now, what's going on in here?

This old fool

won't let me have my Bible meeting here.

That's what happens

when you replace a fool with a fool.

Sticks and stones can break my bones...

Oh, shut up, you old fool,

before I put my foot in your...

Aunt Esther!

Now, wait a minute, Aunt Esther.

I ain't waiting on nothing.

"There is no peace," sayeth the Lord,

"unto the wicked,"

and this is the wickedest house that ever was,

and I ain't never coming back

into this heathenish house again.

Oh, glory Hallelujah!

All praise his holy name.

Oh, thank Jesus.

Hey, Grady, what are you doing, man?

Esther's my favorite aunt,

and she can have a Bible meeting here

if she wants to.

Oh, no, she can't. Bible meetings are a no-no.

Says who?

Your father said so,

and your father left me in charge.

Grady, you know,

I think you're beginning to take your duties

a little too seriously, man.

I guess next you'll be telling me

that I can't have no company?

Well, that depends

on what kind of company we're talking about.

Well, it just so happens that Rollo and I have invited

a couple of young ladies over here,

and we're going to have a party tonight.

With a broken arm?

Grady, when you've got it, you've got it,

one arm or two.

Well, that too is a no-no.

No Bible meetings and no org-gees...

one arm or two.

Hey, look, man,

you can't tell me what to do in my own house.

I gave a solemn oath to your father

to protect this house, and I vow

to take care of it with my life, if necessary.

I'll show you what I'm going to do.

You think I'm kidding around here,

but I'm very serious about taking care of things.

Well, what are you...

what are you doing with a rifle?

I'm going to protect my best friend's property.

That's what I'm doing with it.

With an empty rifle?

Does that look like, a styptic pencil to you?

Hey, Grady, put that thing away

before somebody gets hurt.

I just want my friend to know

that the man he left behind is in complete control.

Yeah, well, if you sit down too hard

with that bullet in your pocket,

the man he left won't have a behind.

And I just want you to know that I'm in charge here,

which means...

No Bible meetings and no org-gees.

I know.

Shh!

Just keep it down. Shh.

Just be quiet.

Well, what's the matter, is somebody sick?

Yeah.

You can't tell no chicks like this

to be quiet and hold it down.

I mean, it's against their nature.

I mean, these are two live wires

with no insulation.

But look, man, I already told you,

there's an old dude staying in there

that's a friend of my old man's,

and he thinks he's Napoleon.

Now, see, he's upstairs asleep now.

Everything'll be everything as long as we be quiet.

Shh...

What's the matter?

That old fool done locked the door,

and I ain't got no key.

It ain't no big thing. What are we gonna do?

There's a window by the landing

that's always open, see,

and I crawl through there and let us in.

You want me to do it?

You know I'm good at that.

No, Rollo.

You stay here and look after the women.

Well, can you handle it with that one arm?

Hey, bro, I've got it.

Right on, dude.

That dude is more weird than you.

Yeah. He sure is a weird one.

Halt!

Put your hands up, or I'll shoot.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot. It's me, Grady.

Your name ain't Grady. That's my name.

It's me, Lamont.

Prove it.

What do you mean, prove it?

Can't you tell by the sound of my voice?

You can disguise your voice.

Burglars do that, you know.

What's your father's name?

Grady... That's not your father's name.

What's your father's name?

His name is Fred, all right?

Now, I'm going to turn on the light

so you can see who it is.

Oh yeah... you are Lamont.

Grady, not only did you lock me out of my own house,

but you almost shot me.

Man, you're crazy. You know that?

They ought to call you Crazy Grady.

Now, look here.

Why don't you go on upstairs

and go back to bed and stay there?

Oh, I'm not sleepy.

I think I'm going to look at a little television.

Hey, Grady, you can't be serious, man.

You don't want to watch no television now.

I'm going to watch Louise Beavers

on the late-late show.

Would you like to join me?

Every time I try to do something,

you know, you always mess up everything.

Man, you're ridiculous.

Hey, what happened, man?

What's going on in there?

That old fool woke up and almost shot me.

What?

Hey, look here, brother.

Why don't we go to your crib?

No, man. I told you that place is too small.

Let's go, hon.

Tomorrow night?

Hey, Rollo,

let's make it a definite for tomorrow night, bro.

I'm sure I can get the crib tomorrow night.

So, what're you going to do, poison your babysitter?

No, man. I'm going to go in there,

and I'm going to have it out with Grady.

He can't get away with this stuff

in my house.

Hey, when it's on you, partner. Good luck.

Hey, girls, wait for me!

I'll take you home on the bus.

Grady...

Grady, take the chain off this door

and open up right now.

Put your hands up or I'll shoot,

whoever you are.

Hey, Grady. How's everything?

Oh, hi.

How's your arm?

Oh, it's fine.

Yeah, where have you been all day?

I didn't hear you leave this morning.

You're not mad at me, are you?

Mad? Why should I be mad?

Oh, I thought you were mad last night

when you locked yourself in your room

and I heard that pounding on the wall.

You weren't doing that with your head, were you?

No, Grady.

I must admit, though,

I was a little put out last night.

Oh, and then I heard you

slamming things in the bathroom.

You cracked the toilet seat, you know.

And all with one arm.

Yeah, I know, Grady.

Like I said, I was a little put out.

Yeah, well, I was just doing

what I promised your father I would do

while he was away.

Hey, I... I realize that, Grady,

and I was mad last night, but now I'm fine, man,

and you know what else?

No, what?

Well, I did what I do whenever Pop and I

have a little misunderstanding.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Well, whenever we have an argument,

the next day, we both go out

and do something nice for each other.

You do?

Yeah, and being as that...

Well, you, you know, sort of filling in for my pop,

I figure I'd extend that same courtesy to you,

so I went out

and I did something nice for you.

You did something... nice... for me?

Oh, what are you doing, Grady?

I can't help it.

Just the thought of you doing something nice for me,

and I didn't do anything nice for you...

Stop, Grady, don't do that. You did something nice for me.

I did?

Sure, you're doing it right now. You set the table.

Is that nice?

Of course that's nice.

That means that you cooked me supper.

Oh...

Well, I promised your father that I would fix supper for you.

He told me that you were his one and only son.

I know that, Grady, Grady, I know that,

and I appreciate it, too, man,

and there's nothing I like better

than coming home to a nice hot supper,

so, you see, you did something for me nice

after all.

Well, I hope you'll like it.

I'll love it. What is it?

It's... codfish cakes and okra.

Well, it smells delicious, Grady,

but... I'm not hungry right now.

I'll eat it later.

Oh... Yeah, you can eat it later.

You can eat okra when it gets cold.

It's not as slimy then.

Yeah, that was

a real nice thing you did for me, Grady.

Now, would you like to know the nice thing I did for you?

You did something...

Please, don't do that, Grady.

You're going to blow something out of your head

that you need.

Yeah, okay.

Now, what's the nice thing you did for me?

Okay, you ready?

Now, I had to pull a few strings,

and I had to pay a little money,

but I got it for you.

What is it?

Grady, I've got you a ticket

to that new skin flick down at the Yellow Pussycat Theater.

The marquee said

that the movie's red-hot and sizzling.

Oh, wow!

There you go.

What's it about?

Well, the name of the movie is Deep Threat,

and it's about this group of underground invaders

that tunnel their way into this peaceful nudist camp

and threaten them.

Go ahead.

Yeah, okay. See you. Wow!

Say...

Say, do they actually go in a nudist colony

and do all... Everything, Grady.

You see everybody and everything.

Now, go ahead and enjoy yourself.

Yeah.

Oh...

Now, you have fun at that movie, man.

Yeah, I'm sure I will.

Say, say, look, you sure

you don't want me to stay here

and serve supper for you?

I mean, I promised your...

Oh, no, Grady, look, because I... I...

I feel tired.

I'm going to turn in early anyway,

so you just go and have a nice time, you hear?

Okay. Yeah.

Say, what did you say

the name of that movie was?

Uh, Deep Threat.

Well, who's in it?

Well, I'm not exactly sure, see,

because it's a Japanese movie, but I think

the leading lady's name is Linda Love-a-sato,

and look here, you'd better hurry up

before you miss the opening,

because you don't want to miss the opening.

In the opening, Linda...

Say, thanks

for the nice thing you did for me.

I... I know that codfish cakes and okra

is not as nice as a nudie movie,

but I tried.

Hey, you certainly did, Grady,

and I appreciate it, partner.

You just go ahead and have fun at that movie.

Yeah, okay.

All right. Bye, now.

Yeah, take care of that arm... I will.

And lock the door.

Okay, you have fun, you hear?

All right. All right.

Okay, brother.

What it is? What it is?

What happened?

I did it. It worked.

Grady's out, and love is in.

Let's get it on.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Turn this thing off.

Hey, man, how long have we got, man?

I mean, how long is it going to be

before that old dude shows back from the skin flick?

Hey, Rollo, that's one old dude we ain't going to have

to worry about this evening.

He's coming back here as soon as it's over.

He's coming back, but he ain't getting in.

I changed the lock on the door, and he don't have no key.

My man, you are a genius...

Relatively speaking.

Who is that?

I don't know.

Who is it?

It's me, Grady.

Oh, man, I told you.

Who?

Grady.

Prove it.

What do you mean, prove it? It's me, Grady.

I heard you halfway down the block.

I'm going to call your father in St. Louis

and tell him you're having an org-gee.

Orgy. Good night, Grady.

Yeah, good night, Grady.

Good night, Grady.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

He's gone.

Hey, my man, you really did it.

Hey, man, a man's home is his castle,

and now,

I am ready to wrestle in my castle.

Hold it!

Come on, ladies, don't be so slow.

Come on.

Just what made you change your mind

about letting us hold our meeting

in Fred's house?

Well, you see, I was watching Reverend Ike

on television tonight, and he said,

"Is your house free from sin?"

And I said, "Hell, no."

So I rushed right over there to get you.

Good. We can fill it with enough holiness

that it might even rub off on Fred

when he gets back.

Praise the Lord!

Yeah, yeah. Praise his holy name.

Now, y'all just hang on here, and I'll open the door

and we'll have a real crackerjack Bible meeting.

Indeed. Yes, sir.

I forgot my key.

Look, sucker, find a way to get in there.

We ain't holding no Bible meeting

in a junkyard.

What do you think we are, pagans?

No, we going to have our Bible meeting

in Fred's living room.

Okay, all right. Now, just hold...

There's a window around there on the landing

that's not locked.

Climb up there and shinny through

and open the door.

Oh, well, you see, I can't do that,

because I got this "kiatica,"

and I can't bend over,

so maybe you ought to go and do it.

You want me to climb through a window?

Well, yeah...

We got to get in there some kind of way,

and you're the only one that can do it.

Now, come on. I'll hold the ladder

while you climb through.

Oh, no, you don't.

Ain't no man that I'm not married to

going to be holding no ladder that I'll be climbing up.

She's telling you right.

No, don't do it.

Well, I won't peek.

I know you ain't going to peek,

because if I thought you was,

I'd bust your eyeballs.

Okay, that's all right.

I'll just wait right over here by the truck,

and you go around there and just take care of things.

Watch him, ladies.

If he sneaks around back to watch me go up that ladder,

twist his head until it unscrews.

We sure will.

Uh-uh...

Hey, man, who turned on them lights?

What's happening?

Shame, shame, shame.

Aunt Esther.

How did you get in here?

Sodom and Gomorrah,

this house corrupted even my favorite nephew

and broke his arm, Jesus.

Lamont, I'm ashamed of you.

That old fool, Grady, was right.

Such wickedness I've never seen in my life.

Aunt Esther, all we was doing was having a little fun,

a little party.

A little party?

With these two Jezebels?

I ain't no Jezebel!

Ain't that Rita Lawson's boy, Rollo?

Yes, ma'am.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Out! Out! Everybody, out!

Wait a minute, Aunt Esther. We was just...

Why you going to...

All of you should be in a vocational school

learning a trade.

Soldiers, it's time to save the sinners!

Wait a minute, Aunt Esther...

Hallelujah! Oh! Oh!

Woo, Jesus! Oh, save them, Lord!

Grady Wilson!

Grady Wilson, you come down here right now!

Now, you have spoiled my evening for the last time!

Now, you get down here right now!

Put your hands up or I'll shoot.

Oh, hi, Lamont.

Hi.

You still mad at me?

Never mind.

Oh, you are. I can tell.

Are you mad enough to do something nice for me again?

No.

Well, you know, I was only doing what I promised your father

that I would do while he's away.

Yeah, you didn't promise my father

that you'd go waving and pointing

that rifle around at people.

You know, that's dangerous, Grady.

Somebody could've gotten hurt.

Oh, no. It couldn't have gone off last night,

because I didn't put the bullet in. See?

Grady, would you put that away

once and for all?

See, what I'm trying to say

is that rifles aren't dangerous.

It's bullets that are dangerous,

but you can sure scare a lot of people

with an empty rifle.

You just walk around here, and...

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.