Original subtitles

Aww... All right.

♪ All right, I'm coming ♪

♪ O-li-doo-da ♪

♪ Hold on, please ♪♪

Hello?

Fred!

Yeah.

How's everything in St. Louis?

How was your cousin's funeral?

Oh? well, what did he look like?

Oh, well, they're doing that a lot nowadays, Fred,

burying people in dark glasses.

Oh, he did?

He had on a turtleneck sweater too?

Well, I guess they wanted him to have a sporty look.

Yeah.

Oh, no, everything is fine here, Fred.

Yeah, I'm looking after the house

just like you asked me to

and taking care of your only son.

Yeah, I fixed him a nice supper tonight...

Tuna burgers and hot potato salad.

Huh? Oh, no, no, no, he's not here, Fred.

No, he went out with... on a date,

you know, with his good friend Rollo?

Yeah.

Oh, no, Fred.

Look, now, don't worry about a thing, please.

Yeah, okay, I'll see you next week,

all right?

All right. Bye.

Well, let's see, I'm finished with dishes,

so I think I'll have a little snack

and look at the little television.

I told you to leave that thing alone...

Oh, good goobelly-woo.

What happened to you?

Look at his...

Come on, man, give him some breathing room.

He's all right. He's all right.

What do you mean, he's all...

I'm all right. I'm all right.

Look here,

did you get the number of that hit-and-run driver?

Hey, man, I don't even want to talk about it.

Well, somebody'd better tell me something.

What happened to him? What did you do to him?

I told... I told Fred that I'd take care of him,

and look what you did.

You went out and got him in all this mess.

Hey, Grady, would you stop yelling at Rollo?

Now, it's not even his fault.

Well, what happened?

Well, he got in a little argument, sort of,

and got punched in the nose, sort of.

Who punched my best friend's only son in the nose?

Who was it?

Jo-Jo Jackson.

Did you say "Jo-Jo Jackson"?

That's right.

Uh..."Jawbreaker" Jo-Jo Jackson?

That's him.

The Central Avenue Sledgehammer?

We're still...

We're still talking about the same dude.

Oh, goodness, we'd better call the police...

Or better yet, we'd better call the National Guard.

Hey, Grady, just forget it, man. It's all over.

What do you mean, it's all over, forget it?

Look at your nose.

You've got blood coming all out your nose,

and look at your eyes.

You can't see. You need some first aid here.

Here, put this on your eye.

Grady, what's the matter with you?

This is bologna.

You're supposed to put a piece of steak on a black eye.

Well, as high as meat is today,

you're lucky that's not a piece of hog-head cheese

on your eye.

If you're not going to need this bologna on your eye,

I might as well make me a sandwich.

Oh, no, you don't.

This is all your fault anyway.

How come you didn't help him?

Help him?

Yeah.

I saved his life.

I moved out of the way when he was backing up.

Well, how come you didn't help him fight?

What fight? Wasn't nothing but two licks thrown.

Jo-Jo hit Lamont, and Lamont hit the floor.

Oh, man, how would you know, as fast as you was running?

You're some friend, Rollo.

Hey, I am your friend, partner,

through thick and thin,

but look, it got too thick,

and I had to get in the wind.

Yeah, thanks a lot, brother.

Oh, man, you're my ace,

and I love you like a blood brother,

but I ain't going to fight Jo-Jo if he was to hit my mama.

Yeah, well,

just don't worry about it, Rollo,

because I'm going to take care of this myself.

What're you going to do?

Well, look, why, why don't you just take my advice

and leave well enough alone and forget about it?

Hey, man, I'm not forgetting nothing.

I'm not going to let some chump violate my body over a woman

and get away with it.

Over a woman?

Yeah, Jo-Jo's woman, Candy Nipson.

Hey, Rollo, Candy's not Jo-Jo's woman,

and she told him that.

That's why he hit me,

because he knows that she likes me.

Yeah, you could tell Candy likes you

the way she let you bleed all over her.

Well, look. Now, listen, I tell you,

just forget about the whole thing, all right?

Hey, I can't do that, Grady.

It's a matter of pride.

Oh, that'll look nice on your tombstone.

"He died for pride."

Yeah, well, just don't worry about it,

because I've got a plan.

He hit me in my face, man.

That wasn't lemonade running out of my nose,

it was blood,

and that's what I've got in my veins, blood.

Yeah, well, if you want to keep that blood in your veins,

you'd better not mess with Jo-Jo Jackson.

I promised your daddy I'd look after you.

Hey, Roscoe, get out of the bologna.

Hey, man, it's Rollo.

Rollo.

Lamont?

Lamont, is that you?

Lamont?

Well, the truck's out there. He's got to be here someplace.

Lamont, are you upstairs?

Yeah.

Well, you ought to say something when you come in.

I could have taken you for a burglar

and hurt you.

What are you doing?

I'll be right down.

Well, how come you...

Why did you sneak in the house for?

You've got a girl up in your room with you?

I don't think your daddy would like that.

What... What...

What... What is that you've got on?

Grady, this happens to be called a "Gi,"

and it's what you wear when you study karate.

Oh, you look like

you're going to open up a beauty shop.

You look like a beautician.

What are you wearing that for?

Because I'm going to study karate.

See, Rollo and I are going back to the Boondocks Bar and Grill,

and if Jo-Jo Jackson starts acting crazy,

I'm going to have to use karate on him.

I told you I had a plan.

You're going to need more than a plan.

You're going to need some burial insurance.

Yeah, well, just stay out of it, Grady, all right?

As a matter of fact, just leave me alone here,

because I'd like to loosen up before my karate lesson.

Oh.

Are you going to fight a midget?

You see that? Now, there's the instructor now.

Fooling around with you,

I didn't even have a chance to loosen up.

You're worse than my father, Grady.

Oh, hey, Gus.

Hey, what's happening, man?

Come on in, my brother.

Hey, look, Gus,

this is a friend of my father's, Grady Wilson,

and he's staying here with us

until my pop gets back.

Grady, this is Gus.

How are you doing?

Yeah, how are you doing? Say, let me ask you something...

They let you ride the bus with those pajamas on?

No, man, I drove over.

Well, how do you know he's qualified?

Well, do something... You know, break a piano,

uh, eat a table, run through a tree.

Do something.

Grady... Hey, look, Mr. Wilson,

don't worry, I'm qualified.

I'm a fifth-degree black belt.

Did you hear that?

The man's a fifth-degree black belt.

Uh-huh, and if he messes with Jo-Jo Jackson,

he's going to need all five of those belts

to lower him into the ground.

Grady, you don't know what you're talking about, man.

Mr. Wilson,

karate is one of the oldest forms

of self-defense known to man.

It ain't older than running...

And... And how do you say that, now?

Krrr... Ka... No, it's karate. Oh.

It's a Japanese word. It means "empty hand."

Oh, well, you'd have a much better chance

if you'd fill that empty hand

with a .38-caliber Smith and Wesson.

Say, lookee here, sit down for a minute.

Let me ask you something, Goose.

Gus!

Yeah, uh, whatever.

Did you ever use any of that stuff

in real fighting?

No, but I have seen men get their arms and their legs,

even their skulls, busted in tournaments.

Oh, well, you don't need karate for that.

I can see that any night

right out there in front of the pool hall.

Grady, I don't think you understand, man.

Karate is foolproof.

Oh yeah?

You're the fool, and Jo-Jo is the proof.

Look, there's an ancient saying...

"If your opponent

"is more skilled and stronger than yourself,

"and you can't find a way to defeat him,

then you must learn to die well."

Did you hear that?

"Die well."

Look, don't worry, Mr. Wilson.

Once you have mastered karate, you can master any adversary.

All right.

Okay, suppose you're attacked

by two dope fiends,

and they both have 12-inch knives,

and it's about 2:00 in the morning,

and you're in a dead-end alley.

All right, what would you do?

I'd have a heart attack and drop dead.

Hey, Grady,

would you please excuse yourself now?

We'd like to get on with it.

Wait, hold it, wait a minute.

Look, I can see you're still not convinced.

Come on over here.

I'll show you what I would do

if I was attacked by, say, two or more opponents.

Hey, Gus, you don't have to do all of that, man.

Hey, no, it's all right. I don't mind.

Go ahead. Yeah, show me.

First, the warm-up, right?

Mm-hmm.

See that?

He doesn't know whether he's swimming or rowing.

Shh.

See that? He's preparing himself.

Oh, goodness, now he's praying.

You know what he's saying?

"Oh, Lord,

I hope my Blue Cross is paid up."

Grady, would you just be quiet and look at the man?

Okay.

How about that?

Yeah, I see why he wears those baggy pajamas now.

He's probably split all his pants.

Grady, what about that technique, man?

Was that beautiful?

Did you see that speed?

Anybody can beat up on the air,

but what would he do against the real stuff?

Here, look here.

See what you can do with this, Gas.

Gus!

Keep your eye on the footwork.

Now, this is what you call "the Grady glide,"

and it comes around here.

Now, this is awful quick now...

keep your eye on it.

Well?

Well, he deafened me, and I didn't hear him coming.

Hey, Gus, let's just go ahead.

Forget about him, man.

Yeah. Forget him.

Oh, yeah,

if you're going to go against Jo-Jo,

you've got one thing right... the screaming.

There's going to be a lot of screaming.

All right, keep going.

Hey, you're going out?

That's right.

Rollo and I are taking two ladies to a certain club,

and it's not going to be no repeat

of what happened last Saturday night.

Oh, I thought you'd forgotten all about that.

Hey, man, I ain't forgot about nothing.

He hit me in my face.

If Jo-Jo Jackson starts something tonight,

it's going to be an entirely different story.

Yeah, and you won't be around

to talk about it, either.

Hey, Grady, why do you think

I've been taking these Karate lessons for, man?

But you've only been studying for a week.

You don't know no more now than you knew before.

Hey, man, I know enough of the basics to get by.

Oh, you mean your instructor taught you enough

so that you think you can go out there

and fight Jo-Jo Jackson?

That's exactly right.

He prepared me enough

for a meeting with Jo-Jo Jackson.

Well, I certainly hope

he prepared you for a meeting with St. Peter.

Now, why don't you be reasonable

and use your head and stop...

What it is, dude?

A little of this, a little of that.

Yeah, you ready to split?

Hey, Rocco, wait a minute.

Rollo, man, Rollo.

Yeah, well, come over here. I want to ask you something.

C... Come here.

Look, why don't you talk Lamont

out of committing suicide?

Oh, personally, Grady,

I think you're worried over nothing.

There probably won't even be a fight.

Hey, man, and if there is, I'm prepared.

Yeah, and I've got you covered. I'm your second.

You'd better get a third, fourth, fifth, and a sixth...

for the pallbearers.

Hey, Grady, you ain't nothing

but a prophet of doom, man,

and I'm not going to stay around here

and listen to it no more.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait,

come on back, hey, hey.

Hey, if you're going to go out there and get killed,

your daddy's going to kill me...

and I'm too young to die.

Hey, let's drink a toast to my partner.

To the champ.

Hey, Lamont, I hope you know what you're doing

by coming back in here.

Oh, the man knows what he's doing.

Lamont, I think you're brave.

Huh?

I mean, wild horses couldn't drag most men

back in here

after Jo-Jo Jackson had punched them in the nose.

Hey, baby, he ain't most men, right, Lamont?

Huh? Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah, look how confident he is.

Confident,

and when we see you grab that chump in his collar

and beat the "Anvil Chorus" on his gums,

that won't be you, that'll be confidence,

right, partner?

Yeah, that won't be me, that'll be confidence.

Oh, Jo-Jo Jackson.

Uh... You're blocking the door.

Oh, yeah, uh... yeah, Jo-Jo.

I mean, Mr. Jo-Jo. I mean, Mr. Jackson.

I'm very sorry, I didn't see you.

Don't be sorry, just be careful.

Oh, yes, sir. Well, wait a minute.

Uh, there's something

I'd like to talk to you about, Mr. Jackson.

You want to step over here?

Do I know you from somewhere?

No, but...

You've got some business with me?

No, but I think you're going to have some business

with someone inside in a few minutes.

About a week ago,

you punched a fellow in the nose.

You remember that?

Look, I punched a lot of chumps in the nose

a week ago.

Yeah, yeah, but you punched this chump in the nose

over a woman named Candy.

Yeah, now I remember.

Some funny-looking dude with a mustache?

Yeah, that's right. That's him.

Yeah, well, you see, I'm, uh...

He's... his f... I mean...

See, I'm... I'm his guardian, and I'm responsible for him,

and what I wanted to tell you

that he's in there right now with Candy.

Oh yeah? Well, he shouldn't be, you see,

because I told him

if I ever caught him with her again,

I was going to break both his jaws.

Wait, wait, no, no... Uh...

don't go in there like that,

because, see, if you kill him,

then you'll be in a lot of trouble,

I mean, a lot of trouble.

What are you talking about?

Well, you see, he's...

he's got this, uh, nervous disorder,

and he's subject to fits,

especially when, you know,

people bother him.

Mr. Jackson, I'm telling you, he's as soft as a grape.

Yeah? Well, I'm going to peel his head.

I really don't think he's going to show up.

As a matter of fact,

we should just get on up and get on out of here.

Hey, punk.

Do you remember what I told you I was going to do

if I ever caught you with Candy again?

I think so.

Wait a minute, Jo-Jo.

This isn't Dodge City.

You can't pull that cowboy stuff

around here.

Why don't you take him outside

and deal with him, Lamont?

Yeah, go on.

Well, you know, Candy,

you just can't take a man outside

and deal with him.

I mean, this is a democracy,

and a democracy

is built on a man having a right to his own opinion.

Why, he probably don't even want to go outside.

I want to go outside.

He wants to go outside.

I'll be outside, creep.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, partner.

The moment of truth has arrived.

We're going to go out there

and show that chump what you learned this week.

Yeah, we're going to go outside

and show him what you know.

I think the best thing

would be for all of us to stay inside,

for you all to stay inside here,

because there will probably be a lot of blood out there.

There is going to be a whole lot of blood,

and we might as well stay in here,

but if you need me, partner, just holler.

Yeah, because I don't think this is going to take too long.

What happened in there, Mr. Jackson?

When that clown gets out here,

you can see for yourself what happens,

but don't blink, because you might miss it.

We... Well, I'm telling you, Mr. Jackson,

if he has another fit and dies,

you'll be responsible, and in jail for life.

J... Just think, incarcerated

for the rest of your days

till your head is gray.

I mean, wrinkled.

You'd better get out of here

before you get hurt.

I'm going to break both your jaws, sucker.

Hey, now, look.

Begging ain't going to help you none.

You might as well get up from there.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Hey, you having a fit or something?

Hey, now.

Hey, look, I'm not going to...

I'm not going... Calm down!

I'm not going to bother you.

Calm down. Just calm down.

Now, look...

Just go back inside, forget what I said,

and have a drink.

Have a drink on me. Anything.

Just leave me alone.

Ha!

You see what I mean?

Yeah, that fool is crazy.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

I thought he was going to die any minute.

Yeah, so did I.

Why don't you see about taking him to a doctor,

get him some help?

Well, yeah, we've had him to all kinds of doctors

and specialists.

We even took him to Reverend Ike.

Yeah.

Well, good luck with him, old dude,

and thanks for warning me about that.

Sure, anytime, Mr. Jackson.

I was moving so fast. My whole body was a weapon.

Feel how hard that is.

You know what it was?

It was a combination of karate and confidence.

I Kar-onfidenced him.

Hey, Grady, where you at?

Hey, Grady, you in the kitchen?

Hey, Grady, look, I got a card from Pop.

He says to tell you hi

and that he'll be home tomorrow.

All right, what are you doing with that on?

Well, I'm wearing it.

What do you think I'm doing with it on?

I know, but what are you wearing it for?

Well, it's comfortable,

and it's good for doing work

around the house in.

Now, just sit down.

I'll fix you a nice breakfast.

Sit down and get ready to eat, go ahead.

Have a seat there.

You're always complaining about something.

All right.

Pork sausage again?

It's the third time this week that we've had pork sausage.

We had pork sausage yesterday

and the day before and the day before that.

What is it with all these pork sausages?

What you trying to do, kill me?

Now, just wait a minute, wait a minute.

There is an ancient saying...

"If your opponent

"is your best friend's son who cannot cook for himself,

"then he should eat what is put before him

and learn to die well."

Sayonara.

Sanford & Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.