Original subtitles

Are you going to help me load this truck,

or are you just going to sit there?

Well, since I got a choice, I'll just sit here.

Come on, Pop. Help me load the truck.

I would, son,

but do you know what I woke up with this morning?

Yeah, you woke up this morning

with a little touch of arthritis.

No, I woke up with a big touch of arthritis,

and my hands locked.

Too bad your mouth doesn't lock.

You watch what you say to me,

because don't ever forget,

this... can turn into this...

And this is his twin brother.

Hey, Pop, I'm not going to load this truck

all by myself.

Now, start picking up and putting on.

Okay, okay.

Put that back.

You said you want me to pick up and put on.

How am I going to put on if I don't pick up?

Yeah, but not the tire.

Not the lamp either.

Not the tire, not the lamp?

No, pick up something else,

you see, because all of this stuff is not ours.

Some of it belongs to Julio.

What's Julio's stuff doing over here?

Well, he needed a place to put some of his junk.

Well, how much of this belong to Julio?

Well, let me see.

That's Julio's, that's ours,

that's Julio's, that's ours,

that's Julio's, and this is ours.

I know which is which.

Yeah, but I don't,

and I want this stuff out of here.

I mean, I might accidentally sell

some Puerto Rican junk.

I might wind up selling it to the guy it was stolen from.

Hey, Pop, Julio's junk is not stolen.

Then why is he hiding it over here in our yard?

I want it out of here.

What for? We've got plenty of room.

But we won't have if we don't stop it now.

That's how they move in.

A tire here, a lamp there,

and then you have a big wide-rimmed hat

in your living room.

Then cockroaches in your kitchen,

and pretty soon,

your whole house is full of Puerto Rican.

I knew the real reason would come out.

You're prejudiced.

You're never going to get used to the idea

of Julio being our neighbor.

Well, Julio is our neighbor and my friend,

and he's not doing anything wrong.

But his junk is, and I want it out of here,

and I'm going to tell him.

Hey, Julio!

Would you stop that?

Don't tell me to stop it.

Tell Julio to stop it.

He's the one who brought this stuff over in my yard.

Hey, Julio!

Yeah, but it's not hurting anything, man.

His junk is not hurting anything.

His junk is making our junk look like junk.

Hey, Lamont.

Hey, Ju.

Mr. Sanford, buenos días, huh?

And beans and disease to you.

Hey, listen,

what's your stuff doing over here in my yard?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Look, I'm very sorry about that, Mr. Sanford,

but there is a very simple explanatíon.

What happened is

that I have been getting in some big freezers and stoves,

and I've run out of room over at my place,

so if you wouldn't mind,

I'd just like to leave it here for a little while

and I would appreciate it mucho.

I don't want it here and I want you to get it "outo."

Do you mind if I leave it here for just one week, then?

Well, I'll be fair with you.

I'll give you one week's free storage.

Hey, that's great. Thank you, man.

And since your stuff's already been here seven days,

your week is up.

Adios, amigo.

Hey, Pop, what are you making a big deal out of nothing for?

Now, his stuff being in our yard

is not doing anything wrong here.

Why don't you try being a good neighbor for a change?

I am a good neighbor.

I respect the property line,

and that's what good neighbors do.

Yeah, but Julio's got a problem.

I can't help it if he's a Puerto Rican.

We got a problem too.

Listen, Mr. Sanford, I don't want any trouble, man.

It's okay.

I will put my stuff back on my own property, okay?

And you're another one.

And your mama.

Hey, what did you say, man?

I said, you're still in my yard.

Keep on moving it. Move it on out.

Wait a second, man.

This is not your yard. This is my yard.

My property comes all the way over to here.

Wait a minute.

Let me explain something to you.

My property comes all the way over to here.

Oh, no, no, no. You are mistaken, Mr. Sanford.

My property comes right over to here.

Look, Julio, I lived in this house

before you ever got to this country,

and I know my property starts right over here.

Yeah, that's where I always thought it was, Julio.

No, but I am positive, man.

When I bought the house, the real estate man told me

that my line was 10 paces from the house,

which would put it just about here.

All right, you pace it off, then you'll see.

Look, it's okay, Mr. Sanford.

I will take your word for it, okay?

I will move my stuff further back, all right?

I don't want you to take my word for it.

Pace it off, and then we'll see who's right.

He said he'd take your word for it.

I don't want him to take my word for it.

I want him to pace it off and let him see who is right.

Now, get to pacing, there, Julio.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...

Hey, Julio, what are you trying to pull?

I'm not trying to pull nothing.

I'm trying to count off 10 paces,

but you're in the way, man.

Well, you're not pacing good. You're still in my yard.

Something must be wrong with your pacer.

Look, man, I didn't get to 10 paces yet.

That's because you're wrong.

The real estate agent probably said 10 feet,

not 10 paces.

See, that's what happens when you're a foreigner,

come to this country

and ain't learn to speak the English good.

What?

Oh, look, look. It's not worth arguing over.

Now, what difference does it make,

a few feet one way or another?

Because it's just the principle of the thing.

That's what it is,

because this is his land and this is my land.

I don't want nothing of his on my land.

Nothing can move me once I make my mind...

Holy!

Oh, no! Wait a minute.

Get that killer out of here.

Chico.

Come on, I'll take you home.

Yeah, you take him home.

Get him out of here,

and keep him out of my yard, or else you won't have no goat.

I'll have me a king-size goat burger!

And you,

these twins are waiting to meet your lips.

Hey, Pop, I'm home.

Hey, son.

I should have been out there to stop you.

You've got to park the truck out on the street.

Why?

Because I got a surveyor coming here

to show me the property line,

so park the truck.

You mean you actually called a surveyor?

I actually called a surveyor.

I'll let him show Julio

where the legal property line is.

Move the truck, will you?

You're letting your prejudice get the best of you, man,

and one of these days, you're going to be sorry,

and don't forget I told you so.

And don't you forget what I told you.

What?

Move the truck.

That's the surveyor now.

Get the door for me.

I don't believe you... Mr. Sanford?

Mr. Sanford, you called for a surveyor?

Uh, what's your name?

Manuel Eduardo Esteban Gonzales Y Rodriguez.

Oh, hell, I'm dead.

Excuse me?

Nothing.

Sit down, let me ask you something.

Thank you.

Now, a survey is a survey, right?

That is correct.

Well, let's just suppose for the sake of supposing

that one of the guys involved in this survey, his name was...

Well, let's just pick a name at random.

Say his name was, uh, Fuentes.

Now, that would make no difference in the survey,

would it?

Why should a person's name make any difference?

Yeah, that's what I always say.

Why should a person's name make any difference?

The legal boundary comes from the county recorder.

It can not be changed.

That's good, Manny. Hey, listen here.

Could I get you something?

Maybe a nice cold glass of water?

Because we got some good water here,

and you can drink it

and don't have to worry about Montezuma's Revenge.

No, thank you.

Well, what do you say if I send my son down

to get you some tacos and burritos

and some of them enchiladas?

I used eat them all the time at the bullfights.

Not me. I hate that stuff. Gives me heartburn.

Now, Mr. Sanford,

if you will please sign these authorizatíon papers,

I will proceed with the survey.

Where do you want me to sign?

Right over here. This won't take long.

Okay.

"Mister..."

Period.

Thank you very much.

Listen, let me ask you something.

Now, once we get the legal line established,

and someone puts some stuff on my property,

what can I do about it?

Anything you want. It's your land.

You can even confiscate it.

You mean I can keep it?

You can keep it, sell it, throw it away, whatever.

Well, listen.

What if the guy that puts it there

comes over and tries to stop me?

You can have him arrested for trespassing.

Really?

You know, me and you habla each other pretty good,

don't we?

Yes.

Now, if you don't mind, I have to get on with my work.

All right.

Take it easy, Manny baby.

Hey, son.

Did you find a somewhere to park the truck?

I just hope Julio doesn't find out about what you did, man.

It would be embarrassing to have to tell him

that you called a surveyor.

Oh, listen, that's just the beginning.

I'm going to have him confiscated.

You can't do that.

Ooh.

If I catch him trespassing on my land,

I can have him arrested.

If I happen to find him trespassing,

I'll have him arrested and confiscated.

I'll confiscate him.

Now, where are you learning all these things from?

From the surveyor. He told me.

Listen, I don't care what he said.

That stuff belongs to Julio and you can't take it.

Don't tell me. I can...

If he's on my property, I can confiscate that,

and then I can confiscate him

and after I confiscate it, I'll coordinate it.

Yeah, Pop, but that's not fair, man.

It is. It's all legal.

See, no man is above the law unless he's president,

and then, it don't even work.

Well, I just hope you don't ever need a favor

from Julio.

What are you talking about, need a favor from Julio?

You must be kidding me.

What kind of favor could I get from Julio?

What would I do, go over there and borrow

a pair of them pointy-toed shoes?

You know, you're really a hard man, aren't you?

Oh, you don't know what you're...

I'm all finished.

That will be $25.

Are you sharing the cost with the other party?

No, I'm going to pay it all myself,

and it'll be well worth it.

Oh, please.

There you go.

Thank you.

Now, listen.

Now that the legal line's been established,

then everything's all legal?

That's right.

Mr. Sanford, be careful not to knock over the stakes

or you will not know where the true boundary line is.

Oh, yeah. Don't kick over the stakes.

Let's see.

I don't see no stakes over here.

They're right over here, on the boundary line.

The legal boundary line is over here?

That's correct. This is your property.

And what about all this property over here?

This part is yours.

This belongs to the other fellow.

Well, goodbye, and be careful with the stakes.

Hey, wait a minute, Manny. This can't be right.

Yeah, but it's legal,

and you better come over here, Pop,

because you're on Julio's property,

and he can have you arrested for trespassing.

Or maybe he'll confiscate you.

And coordinate you.

Yeah, you'd better come on over here, Pop.

Now you're on our property.

How do you like it?

Hey. Morning, Pop.

Morning, son. Sit down.

I got your newspaper here for you to read.

I got you some good coffee, just like you like it,

hot and black

and in your favorite cup, with the crack in it.

Hey, why all the special treatment?

No special treatment.

I just wanted to fix you a good breakfast, that's all.

Here, here's some nice hotcakes.

Hey, with strawberry syrup.

Right. My favorite.

Here's some blueberry muffins to munch on.

And I also got some ham hocks

and some grits and some Rice-A-Roni beanie.

Hey, that's all my favorite foods, and for breakfast.

Yeah, and for lunch,

we'll have chicken wings and mustard greens.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

And Jell-o.

All right, okay, okay.

Now, why the royal treatment?

No royal treatment.

I just wanted to fix you a nice breakfast, that's all.

No, that's not all.

Yes, it is.

Ain't no law

against me fixing you a nice breakfast.

No, but there is a law against bribery,

and that's what you're trying to do.

You're trying to bribe me.

Who, me?

Why should I try to bribe you?

You ain't no vice-president.

You're trying to bribe me

so that I won't tell Julio about the survey.

What survey?

Yesterday's survey, and it's not going to work.

Listen, son,

come on over here and sit down,

and listen, remember this.

What a person don't know can't hurt them,

you know what I mean?

Yeah, it means

that you don't want me to tell Julio about the survey.

It means that you're asking me to conceal evidence.

You're asking me to take part in a cover-up.

I should move

to have you impeached as my father.

Listen, it's my survey, isn't it?

I paid for the survey

and I can do whatever I want with it.

And what do you want to do with it?

Nothing.

But, Pop, it's not right

to deprive a person of his property, man.

Well, Julio didn't think he owned nothing

in the first place,

and if he didn't think he had nothing,

then he couldn't lose nothing,

and nothing plus nothing equals nothing.

Now, go ahead, son, eat your bribery.

I mean, your breakfast.

But, Pop, he's going to know something

when he sees those stakes.

Don't worry about it. He won't see the stakes.

And why not?

Because I got up last night and moved them,

and now everything is just like it was.

Wrong!

Huh?

Because I figured you'd pull something like that,

and I got up early this morning

and put those stakes back where they originally were.

You big dummy! What did you do that for?

Because those stakes tell us where the true property line is,

and we got to live with the truth.

But we'll lose the yard.

Yeah, but we'll have truth on our side.

I'd rather have the yard.

If you hadn't done this in the first place

and called the surveyor...

It was all your fault.

You don't have nothing to do with it.

I put the stakes out there, I spent my own money.

Oh, you shut up.

I wish you'd just shut up.

You are the one... Mind your own business.

Look at the truck.

Lookit. It must have been the earthquake.

I didn't even feel it.

No, Pop, it wasn't an earthquake.

When I put the stakes back,

I moved all our property.

I moved all our stuff on our property,

and to get the truck in there,

I had to cram it upside the house like that.

Well, look, the door is blocked.

Oh, look at the window.

Everything is blocked.

Oh, no, you big dummy!

What are you trying to do, block the house off?

Yeah, well, it's your own fault.

If you hadn't have gotten greedy

and called that surveyor,

none of this would have happened.

Yeah, but look,

we can't live without a front door.

We got to go in and out.

Well, there's always the back door.

Listen, I'm not going to argue with you about it.

I'm just going to move them stakes.

I'm going out the back door.

Wrong again.

What?

We can't use the back door either.

Give me one reason why I can't use the back door.

I'll give you two.

One, the back door is locked,

and two, I got the key.

Give me that key.

Never.

Hey, Lamont, what's going on, man?

Lay out of this. I'll take care of this.

Hey, Lamont got the truck parked like this

because he was drunk last night.

I was not.

See that? He was so smashed he don't even remember.

I was not!

What is it, Julio?

I can't come in this way. The truck's in the way!

Well, come in the back door.

Okay, I'll come around the back.

Hey, you big dummy, wait a minute.

Hey, listen. Wait.

Don't say nothing to Julio about the survey.

Well, I'm not going to tell a lie.

I didn't ask you to tell a lie.

Just be quiet and let me do it.

Look, if you don't tell him the truth, I will.

Listen... Hey, Ju.

Hey, Lamont. What's going on, man?

Hey, Julio, good to see you.

Come right on in, son.

Sit down there. Have a nice breakfast with us.

Breakfast?

You're inviting me for breakfast? Sure.

That's a nice thing to do, man. Muchos gracias.

No, we don't have no grass.

We don't have no grass,

but I could get you some shredded wheat.

Great.

Now, that's a step in the right direction, Pop.

Now, take another one and tell Julio what you did.

I'm too busy fixing Julio's breakfast.

All right, then, I'll tell him.

Look, Julio, this is what happened, man.

Wait a minute. I'll tell him, I'll tell him.

Look, Julio, you remember yesterday

when I told you to get all your stuff off my property?

Oh, yes, yes, yes,

and I want to tell you that I am sorry

and I am moving it all back today.

Listen, don't you worry about that.

Just leave the stuff where it is,

because I don't care.

It's just beautiful. Just leave it right there.

This is what happened, Julio.

See, yesterday, he came into the yard...

Listen, you ain't got to say that. Eat a muffin.

No, no, I will tell you, Mr. Sanford,

I want to be a good neighbor, and you were right,

good neighbors respect property lines.

Don't talk with a bunch of stuff in your mouth.

Eat another muffin.

No, Mr. Sanford, look.

I say that we drop the whole thing, you know,

and just try to be good neighbors.

Right. Let bygones be bygones.

Yeah. We will forgive and forget.

We will live and let live.

We will show and tell.

We will have another muffin.

No.

Now, this is what happened, Julio.

He called a survey over there,

and now we know where the true property line is.

Hey, you had a survey, huh?

Yeah, come on, I'll show you. Great.

No, sit down, now. Sit down, Julio.

Now, look. I thought we had this all settled now.

Now, why should we quibble over an inch or two

one way or another?

Now that we know definitely where the line is,

there will be no more quibbling, right?

Hey, and besides, I don't want

to have any of my things on your property.

You don't have to worry about that.

Yeah, listen, from now on,

we will both keep our own things on our own property,

and the stakes will show us where the line is.

Let's go.

The stakes.

I have to get those stakes before they get to them.

If they beat me to the stakes,

then they'll know whose property it is.

You're not going to believe

how much property you've got, man.

Yeah? You mean the survey showed my property line

came to where I thought it did?

Hey, not only that,

the survey showed that your land came all the way over to here.

Hey, man, are you kidd... I don't believe it.

You mean all this is mine,

and that little bit over there, that's yours?

That's right.

I don't believe it.

You know, something bothers me, though, man.

Your father, I mean,

knowing your father the way I think I did,

how come he didn't come out and move these...

Help!

Help! Get me out of here! I'm stuck!

Get me out of here.

That's why.

Get me out of here.

Let's get him out.

Don't worry about a thing, Mr. Sanford.

We're going to have you out in a jiffy.

I'm sorry, we're shaking the truck.

Here, Lamont, you get him from the bottom.

I'll pull from the top, man. Let's get him out of there.

Help me get out of here!

Ow, wait a minute.

Hey ho.

You know, since we stopped,

I think now would be a good time to get a few things straight.

What? What, what?

Well, like apologizing to Julio for always putting him down

and talking bad about Puerto Ricans.

Oh, man, he don't have to do that.

He does if wants to get out of there.

Well, what do you say, Pop?

Do you promise

to stop putting Julio down and bad-mouthing Puerto Ricans?

I promise.

Hey, wait a minute, Lamont.

Maybe just one more little thing, huh?

Hey, Pop, Julio's got just one more little thing.

What's that?

Well, Mr. Sanford,

will you do me a favor and say, "tío"?

Huh?

I said, say, "tío."

What's that?

Well, in Spanish, tío means "uncle."

Say, "tío."

Hey, you heard what the man said. Say, "tío."

Say, "tío."

You're not going to say it?

Well, come on, Julio. See you tomorrow, Pop.

Okay. So long, Mr. Sanford. We'll see you later, huh?

Hey, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Don't leave me.

What was that you wanted me to say?

Tío.

Tío.

I didn't hear him. Did you, Julio?

No, man. I didn't hear you, Mr. Sanford.

Hey, Pop, me and Julio didn't hear you.

Tío.

Tío.

Tío!

That's nice, man.

I said "tío," not Chico, you big goat burger.

I'll have my newspaper now, if you don't mind.

Well, I do mind.

Getting your newspaper

wasn't one of the promises I had to make.

No, but watching

what I wanted to watch on television was,

and if you don't get my newspaper,

I might not feel like watching Roller Derby tonight.

Roller Derby?

I'll get your newspaper for you.

Where's my newspaper?

I'll get it for you

as soon as I take care of something else.

What's the problem?

All those promises.

I only asked you to be nice to Julio.

Yeah, and you made me promise to be nice to Chico, too.

Well, what's so hard about that?

He's in our yard,

and if I didn't promise you that I'd be nice to him,

I'd chase him out of here.

Why? What's he doing?

Why? You don't know?

Well, if you go out in the yard,

I hope you don't have no shoes on.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.