Original subtitles

♪ Blee be doo be doo boo doo... ♪

Grady, will you hurry up?

Will you hurry up?

You move slower than a fat woman in a cactus garden...

barefooted... blindfolded... naked.

I just want to make sure you don't jump me.

What'd you do that for?

Because you was going to jump me.

Well, you can't shove that out there like that

and then take your finger off.

That's against the rules of the game.

That's only because you made up your mind

that that's the move you wanted to make.

I know, that's what I said.

But it don't show I've made up my mind

if that's the move I wanted to make.

It only shows that my finger is slower than my mind,

because after I shoved it, I changed my mind,

but my finger didn't change my move.

Yeah, but you shoved it out there

and took your finger off.

That's my finger's fault,

not where I wanted to shove it.

Grady, I don't know where you want to shove your finger,

but I know where I'd like to shove my foot.

Now, come on, man, let's get some action.

Fred, if I could get some action,

I wouldn't be sitting here playing checkers with you.

Come on, Grady, I don't want to rush you,

but I want to get this game over with

before Lamont comes home,

because if he comes here and find me playing checkers

instead of doing my work,

he's going to be mad.

Okay, all right. Come on.

Okay, okay, okay. Just a minute. Play, then.

Jeez.

I knew he was going to be mad,

but I didn't know he was going to be this mad.

We going to stop playing, son.

That's not what I'm mad about.

Then what is it?

I got a traffic ticket, Pop!

A dumb traffic ticket.

Let me see.

"Failure to yield to the right of way."

What did you do that for? I didn't!

I know you didn't.

That's what failing means.

You were supposed to do something

and didn't do it,

and then not doing it, that means that you did it.

You shouldn't have did it, but you did it, didn't you?

What are you talking about?

I'm explaining the situation.

May I make a suggestion?

The situation is that I had the green light,

but I still got a ticket

for failing to yield to a guy who jumped the red light.

If you had the green light, you can't get a ticket.

You can if the light is green, and you black,

and the cop is white.

Well, may I make a suggestion?

You say you're innocent?

That's right. What are you going to do?

What do you mean?

I'm going to pay it.

May I make a suggestion?

Well, you can't pay that ticket

if you're right.

If you're right, you got to fight it.

Oh, come on, Pop. Don't be ridiculous.

You can't fight a traffic ticket.

I'm not being ridiculous, you are.

Now, look, you get a ticket

from a white cop in a blue uniform

in a black neighborhood,

and it makes you so mad that you see red,

and you ain't going to fight it because you're too yellow.

Now, what are you?

What are you, a man or a box of crayons?

May I make a suggestion?

What is it, Grady?

I think he needs some legal advice,

and I have a friend who is a lawyer.

Why don't I call him?

A lawyer? Yeah.

That's a good idea.

Why didn't you speak up before?

Well, that's what I was trying to...

Well call him on the phone, Grady.

I was going to do that...

Just call him on the phone, Grady.

Okay.

Look, here, son, let's clean this mess up here.

You come over here

and un-coordinate this whole house...

Pop, what's the use?

What's the use in getting a lawyer?

You can give it a try, can't you?

What are we talking about?

We can't afford no lawyer.

I think we can afford this lawyer

that Grady's calling.

Right, Grady?

Right...

Hello, Sonny Cochran's Tailor Shop?

Hello, Sonny. Yeah, this is Grady.

Yeah, I'm over to Fred Sanford's junkyard,

and we need some legal advice.

Can you come over right away?

Yeah, I'll explain when you get here, Sonny.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Goodbye.

Who's that you called, Grady?

Well, that was Sonny.

You know, he's sort of a lawyer-tailor.

You see, his law business wasn't working out so good,

so he opened up a tailor shop,

and now he does a little law on the side,

and he gets by fine.

Look, I don't need a tailor or a lawyer,

and I'm not going to court, okay?

Well, listen, son.

Look, you've got to fight this thing.

Yeah, because, see, next time,

it could be me getting the same ticket,

and even worse than that, it could be Grady.

How could it be worse if he gets the same ticket?

Because Grady don't have no driver's license.

Now, come on son, what can you lose?

A day's work, plus the fine.

Aw, shucks, don't be negative.

What if you win?

Hey, Pop, you can't win.

Man, haven't you ever heard that old saying,

"You can't fight City Hall"?

Oh, yes. You can.

I know a guy who did.

You see? Who was it, Grady?

Clayton Foley. You remember Clayton Foley, don't you?

Clayton Foley? Yeah.

Ugly Clayton Foley.

Yeah, he used to work down at the pool hall.

Yeah, real ugly with the big bug eyes.

Yeah, that's Clayton.

Yeah, you see, you see,

he had a goiter in his neck

because his thyroid wasn't working too good,

and that caused his eyes to bug out, like...

That's what got him in trouble, them bugged-out eyes.

You see, Clayton, Clayton was a window washer,

and he was washing this lady's window,

and she saw him looking at her with them bugged-out eyes

and thought he was a Peeping Tom,

and she had him arrested for being a dirty old man.

And you say he fought that case and won it?

He sure did.

He went to the doctor

and got a certificate saying that he had a goiter.

He walked three miles in the rain,

gave it to the judge,

and the judge found him innocent.

Two weeks later, Clayton died of pneumonia,

but he died knowing

that he was a clean old man with a goiter.

See that, son?

If Ugly Clayton can do it, so can you.

Yeah, but he died doing it, remember?

Well, you can't fight City Hall

without making a few sacrifices.

Oh, that must be Sonny.

I'll get the door.

Yeah, you get it, Grady.

Right, sure, I'll get it.

Hey, Sonny.

Hey.

How are you doing? Come right on in.

Yeah, Fred, this is Sonny Cochran.

Sonny, this here is Fred Sanford.

Hello, Sonny. Mr. Sanford.

And that's, uh, uh... Lamont.

Yeah. Sit down, Sonny. Have a little sit-down.

Yeah. Sit down, Sonny. Have a little sit-down.

Right here.

Now, say, Sonny, are you a lawyer?

That depends on who you ask.

If you ask me, I'm a lawyer.

Well, who says you're not a lawyer?

The State of California.

But Sonny knows more law than most judges.

Go ahead, ask him anything, Fred.

Well, look here, Sonny.

Now, Lamont here got a traffic ticket,

and he's innocent.

Now, what should he do about it?

Well, two viable options immediately suggest themselves.

He can either pay the fine, or fight it.

Oh! Did you hear that, Fred?

He's good, Grady.

Man, that was legal talk!

Look, look, look, I'm going to pay the fine

just like I did the last two, and just skip all the hassle.

You have two prior tickets?

Yeah.

Within the past year?

Yeah.

If you have two prior tickets within the past year,

do you know what this means?

What?

This means that this is your third ticket.

And what I mean is...

I told you he was good.

Very good.

Under California law,

you're only allowed four tickets in one year,

and if this one goes on your record as the third one,

you're only one away from the big one.

The big one?

What happens when you get the big one?

The judge can revoke your license

and no more driving.

Then that means that there goes the truck.

There goes the business.

There goes Sanford.

There goes Son.

Going to be nothing left but "and."

Son, I think you ought to fight it.

Yeah, you may not have a choice.

Well, listen,

what are the chances of fighting this case?

Well, that depends on your line of defense,

but first we have to ascertain the facts.

Tell me, what happened?

Well, see, I had the green light,

and there was this guy that came up from my right side,

and he was just about to run the red light,

but he stopped all of a sudden.

So to keep from hitting him,

I had to go around him and run through the light.

But you were supposed to stop and yield.

He was supposed to stop and yield for him.

You were supposed to stop and yield, dummy.

I know that, but there was a guy behind me,

and if I had stopped all of a sudden,

I could have got rammed in the rear.

Yeah, and that'd be dangerous.

You can get whiplash and a rammed rear.

Well, did you tell this to the officer?

Yeah, I told him, but he said

the guy behind me had enough room to stop. A-ha!

We may have a good defense after all.

The facts establish two immediate hazards,

one in front, and one in the back.

And a dummy in the middle.

It may no longer be Lamont's word

against the policeman's word,

but Lamont's judgment

against the policeman's judgment.

Your best defense is to take the stand

and tell the simple truth,

and here's what you do.

Watch this, Sonny's going to show him how to do it in court.

Yeah, watch this, Lamont.

Yeah, watch this.

Is everybody watching?

Yeah, we're watching. Go ahead, Sonny.

You get up in front of the judge and you say,

"Your Honor, my story is quite simple.

"I saw a car pull in front of me,

"which constituted an immediate hazard,

"and even though I had the green light,

"I was intending to yield the right of way

"just as the law says,

because I was always taught to obey the law."

I'm not finished.

Oh, sorry.

"But just then, I looked into my rear-view mirror,

"and I saw a car coming up fast behind me.

"Now, what was I to do?

"Break the law and avoid an accident?

"Or obey the law

"and see the blood of my fellow man

"spilled on the streets of our beautiful city?

"I made my decision,

"and I accept full responsibility

"and throw myself on the mercy of the court,

and place my fate in the hands of Your Honor."

Now.

Oh, Grady.

He's great, ain't he?

Hey, Sonny, that was just beautiful.

That was beautiful.

You know you should be a lawyer

or have your own TV series in a wheelchair.

Thank you.

Hey, listen, now, how much do we owe you

for this valuable legal advice?

Well, I never charge my friends,

but what you can do is let me make you a suit.

Now, one of my $49 specials.

Well, good.

Well, make me a suit

with two pairs of pants and a vest,

and throw in a pair of white socks.

It's a deal.

You got a deal.

Good luck, Lamont.

Yeah.

And don't forget,

throw yourself on the mercy of the court.

Didn't I tell you he was a winner?

He is great.

Oh, man.

Hey, wait up, Sonny, I'll have a little...

I'll walk over to the shop with you,

because I'm having a little trouble with my zipper.

How about that, son?

You got all that valuable information

that you can use in court for nothing...

because I ain't going to pay no $49 for no suit.

Do you think I'm going to get up in the courtroom

and do a scene like he did?

Why not?

Because he's a tailor. He ain't no lawyer.

Take a chance. I mean, best you can do...

I mean, you can't let people take advantage of you.

Yeah, but what if I lose?

You are not going to lose.

What if I do? I could go to jail.

Listen, don't even think like that.

Yeah, but that's the chance I'm taking, Pop.

If I go to jail, then where will you be?

Where will I be?

I'll be outside the jail

with a big sign saying "Free Lamont Sanford!"

Free Lamont Sanford! Free Lamont...

All rise. This court is now in session.

Judge James Cleaver presiding.

Say, why do we got to stand up for the judges?

Respect. Now, be quiet.

I don't mind getting up for a woman, but a judge?

Hey, you don't think judges might be...?

Would you stop that?

Well, they wear them long black skirts,

and in England, the judges wear powdered wigs.

And they don't even have offices.

They have chambers.

I know. Now, be quiet.

Well, any time a guy has a chamber

and wears a long black skirt like that

and would put on a powdered wig,

I just happen to think he might be...

Look at the judge. It's a brother.

Son, we got it made.

Call the first case.

Juan Diego Lopez.

He's a Mexican.

No kidding.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

so help you God?

Si.

I bet you he got a speeding ticket.

See, because when Mexicans get their car started,

they have to drive real fast

so they can get where they're going

before the car stalls again.

Mr. Lopez, you were cited for causing a traffic jam

on the fast lane of the Hollywood Freeway.

I was driving in the fast lane, si,

but I was going fast as I could.

But it says on the traffic ticket

you were going 35 miles an hour.

That's as fast as my car can go.

Then in that case,

you shouldn't have been in the fast lane.

You should have been driving in the slow lane

as the law requires.

I didn't know that.

What did you say?

I didn't know that.

Well, ignorance of the law is no excuse.

I have no alternative but to find you guilty.

See, that's what was wrong.

He let the judge know he was ignorant.

Now, whatever you do,

don't let the judge know how ignorant you are.

I fine you $25.

Pay the cashier on your way out.

Thank you.

What did you say?

I didn't know that.

This is the right courtroom.

They've got to be here somewhere.

Oh, there they are!

Hey, Fred! Here we are!

Hey, hey. Come on down.

Hey, would you guys move?

Would you all move over there?

These are my friends.

Yeah, excuse me. Yeah. Thanks a lot.

Hey, hey. Come on down.

Court will be in order.

Say, what are those clowns doing here?

I invited them to come.

Why?

Because when the judge sees you got a lot of friends,

it would be good for character witnesses.

Hey, hey. Hey, Bubba.

How are you doing?

I'm glad you all could make it.

Yeah. Lamont Sanford.

Either they leave or I'm leaving,

because I'm not going to stay in here

and be embarrassed... Lamont Sanford.

They're calling your name.

Go on up there, son. Go ahead.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen. I'm so glad you guys made it.

You are charged

with violation of Section 21803 of the Vehicle Code,

failing to yield the right of way.

How do you plead?

No. Uh, not guilty.

Is the arresting officer present?

Yes, Your Honor.

Please take the stand.

Hey, Fred.

Huh?

Two to one he's found guilty.

Put your money where your mouth is.

I got two bucks that says he's guilty.

All right.

How about you, Grady? You want some?

I'll put 50 cents on it.

I'll take 50 cents worth of that.

Let me have part of it.

I'll give each one of you a quarter.

All right.

Where's your two dollars, Fred?

No, one dollar. It's two to one, isn't it?

Okay, all bets in.

The defendant will take the stand.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

so help you God?

I do. Be seated.

Will you tell the court what happened?

Uh, well, Your Honor,

I realize now that the legal thing to do

would have been to yield the right of way,

but sometimes just being legal isn't all there is to it.

See, all I was doing was trying to avoid an accident,

but it turns out

that that was the right thing to do,

but not the legal thing to do.

Hey, he look good.

Do I still have to give two to one?

No, I'll bet you another dollar, even money.

Okay.

Officer, what was the condition of the other car?

He had plenty of time to stop.

Well, I object, Your Honor.

May I ask the arresting officer

a very important question?

Mr. Sanford, I would think

that whatever question you had

would be better asked by your counsel.

Are you represented by counsel?

Well, see, when I came up here,

I figured that... Pardon me, Judge.

Did you say that that question

could be better answered by his counsel?

That is correct. Who are you?

I'm his counsel.

Order in the court.

You say you're the counsel for the defendant?

I've been counseling all his life,

and I want to ask this officer here a question.

Very well. Proceed.

Now, here's the question.

What have you got against black drivers?

Order. Order.

I will not tolerate these outbursts,

and you will restrict your inquiry

to the matter before the court.

Well, that's what's wrong with the court, Judge.

A black man ain't got a chance down here.

I'm black.

Well, you're the judge. That don't count.

Listen, why don't you arrest some white drivers?

I do.

You do? Well, where are they?

Look at all these niggas in here.

Look around here.

There's enough niggas in here to make a Tarzan movie.

Order!

Order in this courtroom.

Mr. Sanford, I suggest

you write your congressman or the newspapers

to express your views.

Well, listen, Judge,

a courtroom's where you come to get justice, ain't it?

And that's what I'm looking for is justice,

and I demand justice.

Yeah!

You tell him!

Order, order in this courtroom.

Now, another demonstration like that

and I'll clear the courtroom.

You two, stand before the bench.

Uh-oh.

I have taken into consideration the testimony in this case

and have reached a decision.

It seems to me

that you are a pretty conscientious young man,

and taking into consideration the two hazards confronting you,

you acted with reasonable judgment.

Now, in view of all this,

I find you not guilty and order this case dismissed.

Yay!

Order.

Hey, son, I defended you real good,

didn't I?

And Judge, if I hadn't spoken up for our rights like I did,

you'd have found him guilty, wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you, Judge, right?

Wrong. Huh?

Because I've also come to a decision about you.

Who, me? Yes, you.

Due to your repeated outbursts and disruptions,

I have no choice

but to find you in contempt of this court.

Judge, I don't have no contempt for this court.

I did, but I don't now.

You're fined the sum of $25. Pay on your way out.

25 bucks? Listen, brother, you can't...

And if you utter one more word,

the fine will be increased by another $25.

Next case.

That's some justice.

You get a ticket and I wind up paying the fine.

I'm going to get me a coming-back-from-court drink.

Yeah, well, it's your own fault, Pop.

My fault?

That's right, if you hadn't invited those guys down there

and started disrupting the court,

it never would have happened.

Look, I wouldn't even have been in that courtroom

if you hadn't have decided to fight the ticket.

If I hadn't decided to fight the ticket?

You were the one that said I should fight it.

I wanted to pay it, remember?

You did?

Well, then, since you were going to pay it,

then give me my 25 bucks back and we'll be even.

Why should I give you $25?

Because thing's will be

just like they were before you changed your mind,

and I'll have my 25 bucks back.

Yeah, and I'd be out of 25 bucks.

Well, okay, since I talked you into it,

we'll split the difference.

Give me $12.50.

No.

What about $6.25?

No.

Well, wait a minute.

What's half of $6.25?

Forget it.

Forget it?

I'm never going to be your counsel again.

Next time you get in trouble,

get your white lawyer and get you some time in jail.

Cheap dummy.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.