Original subtitles

(DJ) 'This is Chorley FM, coming in your ears!'

# You've done it all

# You've broken every code

# And pulled the rebel to the floor... #

Do you want one of these for the station?

# No matter what you say

# For only metal... #

- What happened? - Police stopped me again.

(Sniffs) Right.

Come on, hurry up!

# How can you tell so many lies?

# Come up and see me

# Make me smile... #

Spellin' it wrong! Spellin' it wrong!

(Brian) What's a "piss-kick"? Supposed to be "psychic"! Tit!

(Max) That's it. Put it on now, let's have a look.

(All cheer)

That's what we want!

- Put the porn on. - Hey!

- No porn on at this time. - Get it off.

You can print that to any size you like.

- Amazing what they can do. - Mm.

- Technology. - It's easy as well.

- I just cut your head off... - What?

See that?

- And drop it wherever you want. - Yeah.

(All) Whoa! (Max) Get out the way!

Don't think you're congregating here every day.

This is for t'regulars.

- We are regulars. - You're staff.

You're not on till seven. Now, get out and get a life.

I've got a life, just not got Sky.

(Ray) Look at the blades - go right through t'bone, that.

(Brian) Yeah, very good.

W-where did you get that picture from?

- Downloaded it off the net. - D'you like that sort of thing?

That get you going? Murders? D'you like murders?

Yeah, fascinated by it, me.

(Ray) Look at this, Hannibal Potter!

(Both laugh)

- Are we goin' to this meeting? - Let's. Let's go now.

Imagine calling an affiliates' meeting at this time!

- I know. - Bloody Den Perry. Bighead.

- Ah, Brian, can I have a word? - We're late, Lesley.

You know this drama group me and Alan run at the youth club?

- No. - You do.

- We're doing a show. - What show?

- Karate Kid: The Musical. - Come on.

Our rehearsal room's being fumigated.

- You want to use mine? - Only for a few days.

- They told Terry Waite that. - This room's free.

Bigmouth.

Hey... Oh, look at that!

(Laughs) That's bloomin' widescreen!

Cinerama! That's fantastic. Special that, isn't it?

- Look at that. - (TV in French)

Didn't know Cracker were French.

We'll be sellin' popcorn soon!

Will be when they put the bluies on, eh?

Brian, psychic phoned, wanted to know what time he were on.

If he's any good he'll know already.

Oh! Whoa, where's me dartboard gone?

Don't throw them in there. It's Anaglypta, 12 quid a roll!

It's like livin' in a ghetto, every bloody week.

Kenny, we'll have that bull mastiff,

- if it's not been nicked. - Right.

- How they gettin' in? - Kids with nothing to do.

Amen to that. Probably one of your lot. Teaching him karate?

Ours are good kids. Can we have this room?

- If it was up to me... - It is!

No, you can't.

(Brian) What's in it for me? (Les) Nothing!

Well, they can sod off. Spongers, they wanna get a job.

Jobs won't come looking for them. When I were their age...

Hiya. You all right?

Make sure they get some pop and crisps.

Avanti, Jerry.

(Brian) And check 'em for dartboards!

Like I say, she has got a cock, so you have been warned.

Now, as I'm sure you all know we here at the Banana Grove

are thrilled to be hosting the heats for Talent Trek

and no doubt for the grand final as well

so I must say it's time somebody decent had it.

If you'd like some posters,

they're by the Tropicana Suite, near the toilets.

Speaking of shithouses, I'd like to welcome back Mr Brian Potter

from the newly refurbished Phoenix Club.

Killed many pensioners this week, Brian?

If you like folk music with a touch of racism, he's your man.

Fat pig.

A few committee notes to read out...

Oh, no, look who's on.

- Who? - Keith Lard.

You know Keith Lard. He got done for interfering with dogs.

That's him?

Been on newspapers and in court.

Got off though, didn't he?

You get an Alsatian to testify. Where is he?

I'd like to now unleash our guest speaker, Mr Keith Lard,

here to discuss fire safety in the workplace.

Would you care to take the lead, Keith?

He's a good lad, this.

His bark's worse than his bite. Sorry.

There you go, mate.

(Blows into microphone)

Fire.

Smoke kills in seconds, fire kills in minutes.

And there's no smoke without fire.

You know what my biggest fear is?

- (Man) Rabies? - (Laughter)

No. Ignorance.

- You ever smelt burning flesh, son? - Yeah.

This is Veronica.

- (Man) She's a bit of a dog! - (Laughter)

- 'Spray on the affected...' - 'Right.'

'Wow! Now you can see that going to work already.'

(Max) This is shite.

- You can turn this crap off. - No, we're having it on.

- We like it. - Home shopping bollocks.

'Hey presto, a beautiful full head of hair.'

'Wow, incredible! Now that's what I call ready for action.'

'And Spray Maine's available in brown, black,

'dark brown, silver...'

There you go, assorted colours, Paddy.

Who else have you told, bigmouth?

Haven't told anybody.

They've got eyes, they can see your problem.

'..delivered to you in the comfort of your own armchair.

'Don't delay. Call today.'

If it were my ideal club, lads and lasses...

I'll draw the basic club.

The, er, car park'd be there, fire exits here...

ls he drawin' a dog?

- Back entrance there... - That's a dog he's drawing.

He's obsessed. That's a dog he's drawing.

- He's drawn a dog. - ..comes out of this entrance.

See the idea, what I do is I QC the situation...

- (Crowd muttering) - Pay attention, please.

(Blast on air horn)

- You prick! - Laugh or burn, take your pick.

'For many men, sex is a frustrating hobby.'

'Yeah, like playing snooker with a rope.'

'Exactly. Well, technology and an ancient herbal remedy

'has combined to create Piagra.'

- 'A chewing gum?' - 'It is.

'Its juices, when mixed with saliva,

'enhance sexual performance for up to six hours.'

'Wow! Hard times a-comin'! Does it come in a flavour?'

'Aniseed, spearmint and lidament.'

Dead - you're all dead. It's that easy.

I'll leave you with this, a friend of mine sent me from America.

Shocking headline - Fire Inferno Wrecks Lives.

Not for the squeamish, if you want to cover your ears.

"To my surprise, 100 storeys high" -

that's how high fire can get -

"people get loose who were trying to get down from the roof.

"Folks were screaming, out of control." Pandemonium.

"It was so devastating when the boogie..." -

which must be the American term for fire, I think -

"..started to grow."

Someone said, "Burn, baby, burn..."

(Laughter)

"..disco inferno. Burn, baby, burn, burn that mother down."

Another child orphaned.

(Laughter)

Sick minds we're dealing with.

419-87-6672.

Have you, er...got aniseed flavour?

OK.

Max. Max!

- What? - You want some of this Piagra?

Do I balls. I don't need it, me.

'A piece of history on your wrist. What I call "wristory".'

No, no, it's not for me.

- Den. - I see you booked that psychic.

- Yeah, he's on tonight. - Pure gold, that boy.

You won't go far wrong with him. Shifted many tickets?

Aye, we've sold out, yeah.

Ding-dong.

Brian Potter, we don't want your new club ravaged by fire,

- what is it? The, er... - Phoenix.

Phoenix, right. I haven't got me readers.

I'm off there now, your first inspection.

I've got a bloke who does that, had it done the other week.

Dave Sherland? He's suspended - allegations of bribery.

- Bribery? - Backhanders.

Some clubs stop at nothing, even risking customers' lives.

I'll see you down there directly.

Watch yourself down there, Keith - dog rough!

- All right, Brian? - Den.

Dog rough.

- (Honks horn) - Pack it in!

They're on green! Come on, hurry up!

Me? I was waiting for you!

I'm disabled, Jerry, I can't slide through the window.

We've got to get back before Keith Lard.

Why? It's all right, we've got a licence.

- We've got a colour photocopy. - Who are you ringin'?

- The club, to warn them. - The phone's out of order.

The diver's watch.

19.95. The one with the light. The diver's watch.

'Look at that. That is a powerful light.'

I'm doing 30 as it is.

- Where are your balls? - Brian, pack it in! No!

Get round here.

# Burn, baby, burn

# Burn, baby, burn... #

- (Siren) - (Jerry) Oh, no!

- What? - Look. Police!

(Brian) Ignore him, he doesn't want... Oh, he does.

Swines, they are. They clamped me outside the gym last week.

Can we not shake him?

If I was a fire I wouldn't knock.

(Jerry) What you doin'? (Brian) I'm fakin' an attack.

- What's the rush, gents? - Me dad's havin' an attack.

Who's that? All I can see's a bright light.

- Should I walk towards it? - Needs his medication.

Is that one of our glorious boys in blue?

- Where you off to? - Hospital.

Follow me.

"Dad"?

- (# Soft rock) - One, two, three and one!

You with us, Pat?

- There's Weenie Lard's lad. - Where?

- There. - (Turns volume down)

- Too loud, that. - Let's see those stretches!

- Hey, I never told you, did I? - Up!

Me and Pauline went on a power walk last week.

This car's engine was running,

and it was still running when we got back.

I thought, "What if someone's tried to do themselves in?"

You know, suicide.

So we looked but the windows were all steamed up.

Then Pauline shouts, "There's a man on back seat with a dog!"

When I looked it were young Keith with a spaniel across his lap.

- A Spaniard?! - He's been done for that before.

He got off, didn't he?

He was gettin' off then an' all.

(Siren wailing)

ls there a fire extinguisher under here?

- Get 'em off! - Yeah.

When I was in Mexico I saw the giant redwoods.

- Ever seen them? - It's not a coat hook.

When they go up you know about it.

Chucking kiddies out of windows, we were catching 'em.

- You ever been to Mexico? - (Gasps)

Padlocked?! A fire door?!

Do you know the Mexican for "Let us out, we're burning! Aaah!"

Djanos salir, estamos quemndonos. Aaah!

(Brian) Fork off. (Jerry) What?

- Fork off. Here. - Brian, no!

(Brian) There you go, lost him.

(Les) # This is the bonsai, the rikkle tree of rife

# Focus on its power

# Focus on its strength #

Focus on the fact it's highly flammable.

(Crowd muttering)

(Woman) We've got a full house tonight!

(Jerry) Oh, no, look who it is. (Brian) No, he can't do that!

- (Crowd yelling) - Closed, until further notice.

(Woman) He's here!

Oi, you can't do that!

I can and I have, Potter.

- Why? - Why?

For serious breach of fire regulations. You're closed.

Oh, no, we're full tonight!

(Brian) We're full!

- 'Tantasy, the new tan aid...' - (Jerry) What are we gonna do?

I don't know, Jerry. I do not know.

We need that licence for tonight.

If we could... (Sighs) Can you flick that thing off?

(Brian) We're in the shit here!

'Tantasy gives you a luxurious...'

- Can we not reason with him? - Keith Lard?

You're jokin', he's power mad. He wants to destroy us.

He's got it in for me.

Me and Paddy could have a chat to him.

Bite his ears off.

I'm friendly with the SAS.

But you're not, Kenny!

- Why don't we fight fire with fire? - Eh?

John, chapter eight, verse seven?

What?

"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

ls it me or has everybody gone mad?

- Tell him what you told me. - Tell him what?

Edie says that Keith Lard...

(Phone)

Keith? Brian Potter. You've made a big mistake

and I think it's gonna cost you your job.

'I don't make mistakes...'

Do you think he'll come back?

If he knows what's good for him.

- Well, Potter, what do you want? - Sit down.

- I'm not gonna be here that long. - Just give us a licence and go.

It's not as simple as that.

We've done everything. We need that licence.

Too little too late. This isn't about a list.

This is about your attitude.

Your shoddy attitude towards fire safety.

If I had a wet nose and a waggy tail you'd give me one.

You're a disease and I'm the cure.

You're the disease, Dogtanian - I hear you're back on the prowl.

- What do you mean? - You know what I mean.

There's been sightings of cars, of you on back seats with dogs.

I wondered how long it'd take -

how long it'd take you to dig up the past.

Not guilty! Don't you read the papers, Potter?

Lack of proof. Where's your proof?

You see? You've nothin'.

What's this?

Man and beast in perfect harmony.

A excited look rarely seen on an Airedale.

That's not me.

It's amazing what you can do with a computer and t'internet.

And the right picture. Right, Ray?

Oh, yeah.

You'll never get away with this.

You won't... No one'll believe it!

If you throw enough shit, some sticks.

300 of those dumped in the right places and...

you know what people'll say - there's no smoke without fire.

(Crowd chattering)

(Thunder on PA)

(Applause)

(Deep voice) 'Hundreds of years ago, when man walked the planet,

'he had no real means of communication.

'In time, man developed a phenomenon

'which has never been fully understood by the psychic community.

'This phenomenon is... Clinton Baptiste.'

(Thunder on PA)

- (Weedy voice) Y'all right? - (Applause)

Now...I'm getting a voice.

The spirit's very strong tonight.

Hey... Oh.

I'm gettin' the name...

I'm hearing the name...

- John. ls there a John here? - (Men) Yes!

(Max) How's that Piagra? (Patrick) All right.

Shit for bubbles.

Oh. Hey?

Great, these. What flavour did you get?

- Aniseed. - Has it kicked in yet?

Can't tell.

Should've got a diver's watch.

It's not the kind of divin' I'll be doing.

Evenin', girls. Wanna look into me crystal balls?

- See where you're goin'? - What's that smell?

- In you go. - It stinks!

- Yeah. Get in. - See where you're goin'.

It's half six in Japan.

Your mother, John - quite young when she died. Am I right?

93.

But she were young in herself - young at heart.

And she slowed down towards the end. Am I right?

Yeah.

This is your partner, correct?

There's something you want to tell her, am I right?

- No. - I think there is.

Something you wanted to get off your chest,

you're maybe a bit ashamed of?

Don't you think you should tell her, john?

Nothin', there's nothin'!

- What is it? - Hey, mouth!

Dave likes to see me holding what?

- Anything? - Nothing. Not a pulse.

Come on, son, let's have you.

Don't worry, you'll still be able to visit.

(Crowd gasps)

Now, I'm feelin' it very strongly...over here.

What's your name, love? Don't tell me... It's Se... So...

- Sonia. - Sonia. Sonia.

Now, Sonia, you've not been very well. Am I right?

No. Debbie's been ill.

Debbie... You have, haven't you, love? Been very poorly.

- It's not been easy, has it? - No.

- And it is terminal, isn't it? - No, no.

(Crowd gasps)

(Psychic) Right, hands up...

who can't have children.

(Crowd gasps)

- (Beeping) - Shit, I'm out of oxygen!

I know there's something goin' on. Tell me what's goin' on!

Nothing! It's wrong what he's doing.

- He's just offending people! - Tell me what's goin' on!

Whoa, stay back, Paddy. Domestic. Don't get involved.

You've gotta be cruel to be kind.

Hey, don't shoot the messenger!

This is what the spirits are telling me.

Now, I'm gettin' the word...

- .."nonce". - (Crowd) Ooh!

- Thank you. Good night. - Night, Bill.

- We're not comin' here again. - Where did you get him from?

- Came highly recommended. - By who?

Den Perry.

Den Perry? Jerry, Jerry, Perry? Jerry, Perry, Perry!

He wants us shut down!

Oh! Thank you. Thank you, good buddy.

Thank you for upsetting my customers that I've had to refund!

- How long did I do? - 15 minutes.

Really? I don't usually last ten.

It's them - they can't handle the truth!

Some bloody psychic - you didn't see that coming!

- Can I have me money? - Can you have...?

Can you read minds? Can you read minds? Read this.

Hey?

You can walk.

Get out of it. Get off!

(Gasps)

Dad, oh, not again! No, Dad!

This isn't the hospital, son!

Another attack, sir?

Must be me you're allergic to, eh?

- (Whimpers) - I've brought you a prescription.

Three points...

and a £200 fine to be taken immediately.

Jerry.

(# Traditional Greek tune)

(Plates smashing)

Fire!

(Brian) Next!