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1
00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:07,834
(# Perfect Ten)
2
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:14,516
# She's a perfect ten
3
00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:16,676
# But she wears a twelve
4
00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:18,631
# Baby keep a little two for me
5
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:20,591
# Cos we love our love
6
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:23,029
# In different sizes
7
00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:27,790
# I love her body,
especially the lies
8
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:29,274
# Time takes its toll
9
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:31,630
# But not on the eyes
10
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,990
# Promise me this
11
00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:38,830
# Take me tonight #
12
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:45,914
- (Scattered applause)
- Thank you.
13
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,918
Perfect Ten -
and we're ten perfect minutes
14
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,951
from tonight's Open The Box!
15
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,913
Where the jackpot stands
at a big £33.
16
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:58,431
So I'll leave you
in the very capable hands
17
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:01,438
of your brand-new resident DJ,
Mr Ray Von!
18
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,233
(Ray) Yeah! That's right!
19
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:07,716
My name is Ray Von
so let's r-r-rave on!
20
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,751
(# Heavy industrial)
21
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,316
Excuse me! Hey!
22
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,112
Could you lower it, son?
23
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,310
- What?
- Bangin'.
24
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:39,671
Cheers! Come on
and reach for the lasers!
25
00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:42,838
Have you not got a nice foxtrot?
Bit of Kenny G?
26
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:44,473
Oh, what's this?
27
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:46,670
Smoke machine - it's jammed!
28
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:50,111
(Brian) Knock that off! What's that?!
29
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,356
(Brian) Too much!
30
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:53,959
(Dog barking)
31
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,037
(Coughing)
32
00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:01,078
- (# Heavy industrial continues)
- (Brian) Kenny!
33
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,111
(Kenny) Brian! Where are you?
34
00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:06,039
- Turn it off!
- Brian! Sorry, Brian.
35
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,071
(Coughing)
36
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,794
Where is he?! Turn this thing off!
37
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,156
(Grunting)
38
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,556
(Brian whimpers,
blaring music continues)
39
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,551
Sorted.
40
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:41,910
Come on, Captain, home time.
41
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,157
I wanna lock up.
42
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,279
Captain! Time's time, cock!
43
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,357
Ship ahoy!
44
00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:53,999
Shit!
45
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,680
- Well?
- He's dead, Brian.
46
00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:58,711
- (All gasp)
- Oh, my God.
47
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,036
Who's gonna do the bloody door?
48
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,151
Come on, Captain, lad, wake up!
49
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:07,353
- He can't hear you, he's dead.
- Never seen a dead body before.
50
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,311
I used to bag 'em up in 'Nam.
51
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,159
We'll swing for this -
it'll finish us!
52
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:15,909
- We didn't kill him.
- No, but Smokey Robinson did!
53
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:19,635
- He's a psycho!
- He's had an asthma attack.
54
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,672
- It's all this smoke!
- He had angina and all.
55
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:27,032
He-he-he-he was! He was
asthmatic, he was asthmatic.
56
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:29,071
Put him in the Pennine Suite.
57
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:30,918
- Why?
- Why?!
58
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,112
In here's murder,
next door's natural causes.
59
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:35,753
Stick him in there.
60
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,155
(All yell)
61
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:50,035
I'll tell you what,
I'm havin' his fridge freezer.
62
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,957
It's less than 12 months old.
63
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,436
(2nd woman) And the dog?
(1st woman) Get it put down.
64
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,514
- Deaf Tony died yesterday.
- He didn't?
65
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,676
- 56.
- That's no age.
66
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,439
Bin lorry, reversed over him.
67
00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,438
- How's Irene takin' it?
- Oh, bad.
68
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:10,791
And they didn't empty her bin.
(Chortles)
69
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,076
Remember where y'are.
70
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,750
If we spread his ashes
do we get money back on t'urn?
71
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,359
Come on!
72
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,351
- Brian.
- All right, Brian?
73
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,437
Hello, Les. Hello, Alan.
74
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:30,791
I see, er,
your Ray Van's not turned up.
75
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,638
Good. I'm glad.
76
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:35,240
Never batted an eyelid, did he?
77
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:39,513
Very comfortable around death,
that lad. Used to it, you see.
78
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,759
- Did he really kill Tracy Burns?
- Oh, aye.
79
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,314
It were in all the papers,
weren't it?
80
00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,477
Why's he not in prison, then?
81
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:51,397
Technicalities, innit?
82
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,636
- Look at OJ Simpson.
- Yes.
83
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,636
- I'm gonna get rid of him.
- Ooh, you can't do that.
84
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:02,514
That were Tracy's mistake.
She ended up in a wheelie bin.
85
00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:06,110
- Her head did.
- (Tapping glass)
86
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:10,154
A bit of respect, ladies and
gentlemen, for the Captain.
87
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,271
(Dog whimpers)
88
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:14,118
The Captain.
89
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,834
I'll never forget
the day we first met.
90
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:19,474
D-day it were. Aye, D-day.
91
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:23,150
We were fourth off the
landing craft up Sword beach.
92
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,556
60 yards up the beach
they get him, the bastards,
93
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:30,992
but he kept on runnin' -
blew his eyeball right out.
94
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:35,637
But I caught it!
And d'you know what he said to me?
95
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,991
He said, "You were supposed
to keep an eye out for me!"
96
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:43,676
But that was the Captain,
always a joker.
97
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,519
- The Captain.
- (All) The Captain.
98
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,393
(# Deutschland Über Alles)
99
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:54,193
(Les) What the hell's that?
100
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,676
'Wundebar! Das jackpot! Wundebar!'
101
00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:00,360
- Turn that thing off.
- 'Schnell! Dive! Dive!'
102
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,392
(Woman on TV)
'It's an amoeba, a single cell
103
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,034
'and this is it feeding.
104
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,114
'An amoeba can change shape easily.
105
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:15,154
'By pushing its cell surface
forward, it engulfs its food.'
106
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:19,033
(Man) Bloody hell.
107
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:23,119
(TV) 'That's fine if you're
a single-celled organism...'
108
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:24,798
Sorry, guys.
109
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:28,071
And who should pop his head
out of the next tent -
110
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,191
Mr Robert De Niro.
111
00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:34,154
Loves Pwllheli.
Was there with his family.
112
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:37,238
He's doing another
Deer Hunter in Rhyll.
113
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:40,159
Absolutely hammered him at Swingball.
114
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,999
- (Engine revving)
- Whoa!
115
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,479
Whoa!
116
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:50,034
Whoa! Wind the window down.
117
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:53,391
Wind it down. Not as clever
as you think, are you?
118
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,997
You forgot this.
119
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:02,560
- Nothing gets past these.
- Cheers, mate. Nice one.
120
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,473
# Around the corner from my block
121
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:11,279
# There's a place
with a private knock
122
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,796
# Where I know we can really rock
123
00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:17,751
# And they open at nine... #
124
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,757
(Brian) Let me get this straight.
125
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,758
Two lads walk in off the street
and take the television
126
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,598
and you did nothing?
127
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:26,677
We thought you'd arranged it.
128
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,917
- Arranged what?
- They were wearing overalls.
129
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:34,113
Oh, overalls! Oh, well,
excuse me, then - overalls!
130
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,231
Oh, well... Jesus H!
131
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,591
That was a brand-new set!
The world's gone mad.
132
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,790
They were probably drug addicts.
133
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,558
In overalls?
134
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,240
Where'd you get
that new motor, Brian?
135
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,954
- Somewhere.
- Must've cost a bob.
136
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,753
It must have.
Traded me Shopmobility.
137
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,314
For a Cadillac?
138
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:58,877
If I'd been on the ball I'd have
worn overalls and driven it out.
139
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:02,914
(Man) This snooker table's knackered!
Are you getting it fixed?
140
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,270
- Has he not been yet?
- No.
141
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,755
You should've told 'em to take that.
142
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:09,950
They only had a Citroën.
143
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,074
(French accent)
'Allo, Games Sans Frontières.'
144
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,873
- Eric? Brian.
- 'Brian! How's it goin'?'
145
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,799
It's not going.
It's as crooked as you.
146
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,990
'What d'you mean? What's up?'
147
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,680
I've got a deformed snooker table,
148
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,951
a Nazi bandit
that pays out in Deutschmarks
149
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,516
and a flavoured condom machine
ten years out of date.
150
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:32,880
'And?'
151
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,514
Would you suck a ten-year-old banana?
152
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,153
- 'No.'
- Neither will they.
153
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:40,716
- 'I'll have to get me papers.'
- No, get your arse here
154
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,479
for this snooker table,
before I nail you to it.
155
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,158
Shithead.
156
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,714
Well, what do you think?
157
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:52,674
It's hard to find the words
to describe it, Eric, really.
158
00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:55,951
Oh, I've found some.
What the frig is it?
159
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,389
This? This is what the punters want!
160
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:01,717
- A mechanical bull?
- A bucking bronco!
161
00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:04,036
- Get rid of it.
- The van's gone.
162
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:07,357
This is the future,
snooker's dead and buried.
163
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,994
- I'm not convinced.
- Trust me, Brian,
164
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:13,032
they'll all want one
when they've seen yours.
165
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:16,038
Oh! Where have I heard that before?
Indoor golf?
166
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:20,790
Foxy boxing? I've just got shot
of your six-foot Ker Plunk!
167
00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:23,116
Have a ride, see what you think.
168
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,316
I'll give you a week's free trial,
169
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:30,354
then she's got to go to the
European finals in Düsseldorf.
170
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,870
Düsseldorf? Good, you can take
das fruit machine with you.
171
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:37,436
I'll throw in an aeroplane,
one previous owner.
172
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,471
Who were it? John Denver?
173
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,080
Come on, Brian, you'll not regret it.
174
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,953
Give it a couple of days,
it'll be shitting money.
175
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,959
If not it had better learn
how to shit snooker tables.
176
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:54,759
'This is Jerry St Clair welcoming
you to an afternoon of bingo.'
177
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,872
50p a line,
seven pound your full house.
178
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:02,630
Get your dobbers, your dabbers
and cards, we're ready to go.
179
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:04,671
Here... What's that?
180
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,711
New bingo machine.
181
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,593
I built it! Guts of a Hoover.
182
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,638
(Hoover motor whirring)
183
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,399
Can you flick it to upholstery?
184
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:20,956
Eyes down,
looking for your first number.
185
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,071
(Cheering)
186
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,394
Oh!
187
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,597
Four and nine, 49.
188
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,199
(Women) We've had it!
189
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:54,517
You can't, I've just picked it
up off the bloody floor!
190
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,392
(Shouting)
191
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,033
Hey! Hey!
192
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,038
(Muttering) Bloody hell.
One and two...
193
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:05,517
Let's hear it for Albert!
Albert's a registered diabetic.
194
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,678
The louder you scream
the faster the ride!
195
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:10,677
Those are the rules, folks!
196
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,599
- (Cheering)
- What else have you got to do?
197
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:19,238
Come on, you're nearly at the
pensioners' record! Here we go!
198
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,078
- There he is!
- Who?
199
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,760
- Ray Von.
- Thinks he's on the waltzers.
200
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,996
I've not seen this lot so excited
201
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:29,749
since they printed that
paedophile's address in t'paper.
202
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,199
(Cheering)
203
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,880
Shit, not another one.
204
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,958
- Hey!
- (Cheering)
205
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,231
Let's get another victim...
another contestant on the ride!
206
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,998
Just a little joke there!
207
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,111
You know what we should have?
208
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,959
- St John's Ambulance?
- Wild West Night.
209
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,753
- You reckon?
- With that thing there?
210
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:52,679
Get some gunslingers in,
some line dancing.
211
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,030
Line dancing? That's a bit old hat.
212
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,549
Den Perry had it and it was sold out.
213
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,750
- Made a fortune.
- Did he?
214
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,871
I draw the line at lynchin'.
215
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,319
(# Johnny Cash: Ring Of Fire)
216
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:14,797
Howdy, ladies.
217
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,751
Evenin', y'all.
218
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,269
God, I wouldn't mind ridin' that.
219
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:24,396
D'you wanna go faster?!
Let's try it the other way!
220
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:27,159
Come on, George, here we go!
221
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,714
- (Thud)
- Yay!
222
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:35,239
Absolutely brilliant, George!
Who's next in line?!
223
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:39,160
So, cowboys and cowgirls,
we've got a special treat for you.
224
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,511
Give a mighty Phoenix welcome
to a fabulous act -
225
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:45,074
it's Wild Bill and Trigger!
226
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,111
(Cheering)
227
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:56,398
I'm Wild Bill, say hello to Trigger!
228
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:06,510
There is a horse
in my Cabaret Suite.
229
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,995
(# The Magnificent Seven theme)
230
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:16,239
A hat's the worst thing
you can wear if you're going bald.
231
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:19,432
- Look, don't start.
- Telling you.
232
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,552
You've either gotta
accept it or cover up.
233
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,638
Cover up? It's you
that's going bald, not me.
234
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:28,798
I've lost most of my hair
worrying about yours.
235
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,397
What's he doing now?
236
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:38,636
He's digging for gold!
237
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:40,398
(Applause)
238
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,556
Well done, boy!
239
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,990
Well, what d'you think?
240
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,677
There is a horse in my Cabaret Suite.
241
00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:53,677
Brilliant, isn't he?
242
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,472
Is it real?
243
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:01,350
(Wild Bill) Down. That's a good lad.
244
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,995
Oh, it's real, my friend.
It's real, you better believe it.
245
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,873
- I'll clean it up.
- 30 grand, that cork floor.
246
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:14,229
What's he doing now? Ohh!
247
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,669
- Come on...
- (Applause)
248
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,677
Bruce Willis.
249
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,280
Er... Yul Brynner, Sean Connery.
250
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,789
Skin's in, man. Women - they love it.
251
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,753
Can't get enough.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
252
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,713
I'm not ashamed
cos I'm not going bald!
253
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,752
Connery -
Connery wants best of both worlds.
254
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,314
See his wig in The Rock? Amazing!
255
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,510
He loves wearing 'em, Connery.
256
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:43,599
Never Say Never Again -
that were another. Can't get enough.
257
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,076
(Applause)
258
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,350
(Cheering)
259
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:57,078
(Jerry) One more time!
Wild Bill and Trigger!
260
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,793
I'm gonna leave you
261
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:02,470
with your own rootin',
tootin', shootin' DJ,
262
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,158
Mr Ray Von!
263
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,316
Just let me clean that shit up.
264
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,796
(# The Woolpackers:
Hillbilly Rock, Hillbilly Roll)
265
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,878
Yeah! Rave on, y'all!
266
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:15,230
(Laughs) Shabba!
267
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,391
Highlander. Wig.
He had a wig in Highlander.
268
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,434
Highlander 2: The Quickening. Wig.
269
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,358
What were that mad one
where he got his cock out?
270
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,755
- Zardoz.
- Zardoz. Wig.
271
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,472
(Ray) Here we go,
let's set the dance floor on fire!
272
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,397
Here we go! Check this out!
273
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:41,239
- (Scratching)
- Check it out!
274
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,155
Yeah!
275
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:52,073
(Ray) Garage, house - it doesn't
matter. It's all OK for DJ Ray!
276
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,589
Can I have chips and black-eyed peas?
277
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,711
What's in your snake-eyed pie?
278
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,434
- Chicken and mushroom.
- I'll have two.
279
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:00,914
Two snakes, Marion!
280
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,474
(Ray) Rawhides on the dance floor!
281
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,433
- What time's the gunfight?
- After supper.
282
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:10,110
The Keighley Confederates
against the Preston Posse.
283
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:12,629
(Ray) Comin' at ya! Come on!
284
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,513
You what?
Lancashire against Yorkshire?
285
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:18,313
Bloody hell,
you don't mix the counties!
286
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,351
I wondered why we had a gap.
287
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,711
Ike and Tina, chalk and cheese -
they don't go!
288
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,320
- It's gonna kick off.
- No, it's not!
289
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,478
It's all part of the show.
Do it all the time.
290
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,079
It better be.
291
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,555
Here we go! Something sticky!
292
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,991
- (Scratching)
- (Dancers groan)
293
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,112
- Who's judging?
- Ray Von.
294
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,595
Oh, my God.
295
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:46,110
Don't give him a gun,
we'll be knee-deep in bodies.
296
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:52,480
The Hunt For Red October. Wig.
297
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:56,792
The Avengers. Wig.
298
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,798
No, he were bald in The Avengers.
299
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,269
- Think on.
- He was, he was.
300
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,152
But it were a flop, though.
301
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,111
No wig, no hit. Shit.
302
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,593
(# Rednex: Cotton Eye Joe)
303
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:13,998
- Brian Potter!
- Colin, I thought it were you.
304
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,270
Hope your money's not gone up.
305
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,789
Last time I saw you, Barracuda Club,
306
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:22,151
you were in a double act
with what's-her-name...
307
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,352
- Mini Ha-Ha.
- Yes. Not laughing now, is she?
308
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,755
Lost a leg to diabetes, poor cow.
309
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:31,475
- I've got Trigger now.
- She's a beauty, ain't she?
310
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,194
Sorry, he. Nearly had me eye out.
311
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:37,915
Mind if I put him in that
other room? It's pissing down.
312
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:41,112
It's pissing down in here -
on 40 grand of cork floor.
313
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:44,994
Hey? No, you can't, forget it.
Get it away from me.
314
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,560
- He doesn't change, does he?
- No.
315
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:54,036
Stick him in the Pennine Suite,
he'll never know.
316
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,789
Good boy, good boy.
317
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:12,796
(Jerry) Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome back, pardners
318
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:15,150
to Gunfight at the Phoenix Corral,
319
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:19,159
with me, Deputy St Clair.
Hey? Look at that, 'ey?
320
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,192
Tonight we've got
the Keighley Confederates...
321
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,436
(Cheering)
322
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,357
..against the Preston Posse!
323
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,993
(Cheering)
324
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,758
So without further ado,
325
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:33,430
can we have the first two
gunslingers up on their marks?
326
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:38,111
(Man) Go on, George!
(2nd man) Go on, Frank!
327
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:39,673
Come on, Yorkshire.
328
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:40,790
Draw!
329
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:42,433
(Gunshots)
330
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,916
So let's hear it for the
undefeated world champion,
331
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,236
a good friend of mine, Cisco Sid!
332
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,839
(Cheering)
333
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,440
Come on over... (Laughs)
334
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,279
(Jerry) Christ, I've died
and gone to Memphis.
335
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:06,709
It's Silverado Presley!
336
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,433
(Cheering)
337
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,633
Come on, son, crack a smile.
He's a welder during the day.
338
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:17,072
Is that gold or is it chocolate?
ls it chocolate, eh?
339
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,680
It's very good, son, keep it up.
340
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,711
Come on, come on, here we go.
341
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,673
On your marks.
Lancashire, are you ready?
342
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,040
Ready!
343
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,357
- Yorkshire, are you ready?
- Uh-huh.
344
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,438
- (Laughter)
- (Man) Get out of town!
345
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,351
Draw.
346
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,118
(Cheering)
347
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,798
Ray?
348
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:42,070
Lancashire!
349
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:46,193
No way! There is no way!
That was cheating!
350
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,112
And...
351
00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:00,478
..fire!
352
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,079
Lancashire again!
353
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:03,952
(Angry shouting)
354
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,037
No way!
355
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,476
# Sing when you're winning
356
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,911
# You only sing when you're winning
357
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,157
# You only sing when you're winning #
358
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:24,631
(Jerry) Hey, Yorkshire -
you're losing! (Laughs)
359
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,159
Here we go.
360
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,919
# You only sing
when you're winning... #
361
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,555
Next up for the Confederates
we've got Georgia Jed!
362
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,273
Where's Georgia Jed?
363
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:40,393
- Stand up, son. Oh, he is.
- (Confederates) Go on, Georgia!
364
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:44,070
Brian! There's a horse
in the Jocky Wilson Suite!
365
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,873
- Yeah, right.
- There is! Come on, quick!
366
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:48,672
(Jerry) Typical Yorkshire.
367
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,631
# I wish I was a pixie
368
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,671
(All) # Away, away
369
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:54,836
# In Pixieland, I'll make my stand
370
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,156
# To live and die a pixie #
371
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,430
All right, Jed? Have we got a box?
372
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,915
(Neighing)
373
00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:05,517
There you are. Told you.
374
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:08,633
Get off!
375
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,593
- What's wrong with it?
- What's up with it?
376
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:16,555
It's pissed,
that's what's up with it!
377
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,830
- Let go of me!
- How do you know?
378
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,394
I know a pissed horse when I see one!
379
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,431
Get it a kebab.
380
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:26,996
So Jed, what do you wanna be
when you grow up? Taller?
381
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:28,599
(Laughter)
382
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:33,078
No, he was born on
the cusp of Leo and Capricorn,
383
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:37,159
which makes him a leprechaun
if I'm right - am I right?
384
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:41,513
(Jerry) Get it, Jed? Where's he gone?
There you are.
385
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,837
He says he's 47 and single -
there's a surprise -
386
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:49,192
you think? He's probably one of
them bandits, know what I mean?
387
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,551
Rode into town,
shot up the sheriff...
388
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,273
(All yelling)
389
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,994
(Brian) Oh, my God. What's he doing?
390
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,509
- (Rhythmic creaking)
- Pull it off.
391
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:06,200
You what?
I'm not pullin' off a horse!
392
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:09,312
(Brian) We've not got
a licence for this.
393
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:13,638
Kenny, get the mop.
394
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:17,230
You better get in there,
all hell's breakin' loose!
395
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:20,477
Who's taught him that?
396
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:24,354
(# Organ playing
I Wish I Was In Dixie)
397
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,471
I thought it were Yul Brynner?
398
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:35,876
No, this is Guns Of The Seven.
It's Cogburn, this!
399
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,480
He picks the chair up,
the bloke ducks,
400
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:41,399
he chucks it straight
through the window!
401
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,430
(All cheering and yelling)
402
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:00,993
- They've got guns!
- (Gunshots)
403
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:12,034
(Max) Get 'em out,
come on, get 'em out!
404
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,959
Come on. Elvis has left the building.
405
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,550
(Brian) 45 grand, that floor,
destroyed by him! He's one!
406
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:21,240
- I've ruptured an artery.
- Good! I'm glad!
407
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,510
Wild West?! Wild, that's for sure!
408
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:26,712
You know why Den Perry
stopped having 'em now.
409
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,469
It was like this every night.
They're animals, this lot.
410
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:32,511
Now you tell me, eh?!
411
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,837
You! He's in there
and he's pissed out of his mind
412
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,713
and he's got a corporate
in Torquay tomorrow!
413
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,320
He'll have to go
back on the wagon.
414
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:43,237
(Laughs)
415
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:45,351
(Patrick) Friggin' hell!
416
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,073
(Brian) Chuck the key away!
417
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:51,278
(# Instrumental - Please Release Me)
418
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:55,109
Hold on! Any minute now. (Grunting)
419
00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,117
(Magician, muffled) This is me!
420
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:03,158
Seeing is believing!
421
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,998
Whose keys are those?
422
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,158
- I dunno.
- (Muffled) Big finish!
423
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,191
These your keys?
424
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:12,719
What?
425
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,751
(Brian) Next!
426
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,438
Oh, fu...
31240
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