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1
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,477
(# Yazz: The Only Way Is Up)
2
00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:10,875
(DJ) 'You're Listening
to Chorley FM.
3
00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:13,355
'I'm Paul LeRoy comin' in your ears
4
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,119
'and here's Yazz and she's goin' up!
5
00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:19,949
'The Phoenix Club in Bolton
has its grand reopening tonight
6
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,719
'with chart-topping pop folk band
Half A Shilling
7
00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:25,718
'and TV's own Roy
"It's The Way I Tell 'Em" Walker
8
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,637
'cutting the ribbon at 7:30.
9
00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:30,991
'Tickets are £15,
including supper and bingo.'
10
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,475
# We've been broken down
11
00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:37,239
# To the lowest turn
12
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,798
# Being on the bottom line
13
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:44,433
# Sure ain't no fun #
14
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:46,756
(Mobile phone)
15
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,110
- Hello?
- Hello?
16
00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:53,074
- You've just been on the radio!
- Did they mention the prices?
17
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:57,114
- Yeah, they did. Where are you?
- Behind you. I'm comin' in now.
18
00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:00,915
- Get me chair ready.
- Kenny, get his chair ready.
19
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:07,556
- What do you think?
- You'll need more bulbs.
20
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,797
Think Las Vegas.
A couple missing there.
21
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,229
- Where?
- At the back there.
22
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,874
You wanna see it for miles around.
23
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,991
Opening night tonight!
24
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:23,710
I can't... I can't hear no bangin'.
25
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:25,956
- Where's Rafferty?
- On his dinner.
26
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,834
Dinner? It's half past ten!
Look, this is a disgrace.
27
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:33,350
We've got VIPs coming tonight.
That should be...
28
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,677
(Brian) Where is she?
(Kenny) Who?
29
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,836
Holy Mary.
30
00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:44,076
- What are all these about?
- You said banners.
31
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:48,114
I said... Don't wind me up,
not today. Get 'em down.
32
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,674
- What, here?
- "Make it right, see the light."
33
00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:53,519
Pop 'em or sling 'em.
It's a club, not a mosque!
34
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:57,440
- Brian, they're doing no harm.
- Tell that to Cat Stevens.
35
00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,199
We'll be servin'
holy tonic water next.
36
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:04,359
- (With helium) God loves you.
- Oh? Funny way of showing it.
37
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,392
Rafferty!
I'll...I'll bloody kill him!
38
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,999
Oh, you're 'ere!
Nice of you to pop in.
39
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,031
That phone's not stopped.
40
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,357
I've enough to do
without being your secretary.
41
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:30,598
Mayor's office have confirmed,
local papers are coming down,
42
00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:32,756
Eric's sending a fruit machine,
43
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:36,316
Roy Walker's comin' at six
and t'pot washer won't work.
44
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:39,478
- Where is the lazy sod?
- Motor's playin' up.
45
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,797
And think again
if you think I'm using these.
46
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:44,831
17 quid these, each.
47
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:48,111
- Where's the Saint?
- Where d'you think?!
48
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:59,034
- (Brian) Jerry?
- What?
49
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,710
- How long you gonna be?
- How long's a piece of string?
50
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,910
- What string?
- It's a saying.
51
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,520
Balls to that!
Have you phoned the band?
52
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:11,110
No, not yet.
Look, I've had some bad reports.
53
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:15,199
The Vulcan had 'em last week
and there was nearly a riot.
54
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,392
With Half A Shilling?
They're a folk band, not The Who.
55
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:21,751
Flat caps and clogs,
this lot'll lap it up.
56
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,553
Anyway, they've been
booked for months.
57
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:28,230
- I've got a bad feeling.
- It's your arse. Get 'em rung.
58
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,840
And we should have
had a support for £15.
59
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:35,113
They've got enough - free bingo
and a pasty and pea supper.
60
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:36,753
- I'm not sure.
- I am.
61
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,839
Stop crappin', get cracking.
We've work to do. Avanti!
62
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,233
(Man) It's the last one.
63
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:46,716
(Brian) I don't care if
it's the last of the Mohicans,
64
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:50,549
- I ordered The Matrix, not Das Boot.
- It was a classic film!
65
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:54,559
You take it for your front room,
impress your friends.
66
00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:56,159
I don't gamble.
67
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:59,192
Neither do I -
that, my friend, is a gamble.
68
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,914
Where's Eric?
I wanna speak to the organist.
69
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:04,793
- He's busy.
- I'm busy! What?
70
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:09,437
- What door do you want me on?
- Not now, Captain. I'm busy too.
71
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,517
I'll give you a fortnight free.
72
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,120
Make it a month.
Stick it in the Pennine Suite.
73
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,151
Oh, where the hell have you been?
74
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,999
- Getting supplies.
- What for, your gut?
75
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:22,271
I don't know if you've heard
but we open tonight.
76
00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,914
Don't worry, it'll all be sorted.
77
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,395
I might agree
but I'm not as feng shui.
78
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,512
Now get the rest of
the Village People inside.
79
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,358
Oi, oi, oi, this way.
80
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,631
Kenny, get me Zantac,
I'm fillin' up.
81
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,911
And me! Get me and all!
82
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,634
Come on. Pennine Suite, dickhead.
83
00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:44,951
- Hiya, Jed.
- Hiya.
84
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,879
- Les. Seen the bingo machine?
- You seen Alan?
85
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:50,355
- Why, has he got it?
- No, he's not.
86
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,398
What's up?
87
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,795
- He should be here by now.
- Where is he?
88
00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:58,275
Driving - long haul from Stranrae.
89
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:01,278
Stranrae? In Scotland?
Does Potter know?
90
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,551
Who's gonna do t'keyboards
for my opening number?
91
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:05,954
(Les) He'll be here.
92
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,560
Spencer, did you find us all right?
93
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:12,480
- Yeah, just about.
- Jerry, Spencer.
94
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:15,114
- He's doing the disco.
- All right, Jerry?
95
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,596
You havin' a sale, son?
Cos we've not got a CD player.
96
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:22,719
He jumps on me bike,
I slip me jacket off,
97
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,434
he went down,
I went in with me boot.
98
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:28,472
- Nowt wrong with that.
- Quick scissor kick.
99
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:31,672
See, that's why I don't
go to parents' evenings,
100
00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:34,155
they get me angry, know what I mean?
101
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:37,079
- Up you go.
- Up YOU go, not me.
102
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:40,351
- Why not?
- Two words. Falklands.
103
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,791
# Wanna be a part of it
104
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,992
# Phoenix, Phoenix
105
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:50,429
# These Vagabond shoes
106
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,037
# They're longing to stray... #
107
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,117
- What door am I on?
- Sod off.
108
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,959
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
109
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:02,516
Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans,
what's going on?!
110
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,676
Wh... Are my eyes dreaming,
111
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,633
or have you got
two builders singing Acapulco?
112
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,194
No, it's me new opening
for tonight.
113
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,311
There's not gonna be an opening,
114
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,637
not with the pissing
Lighthouse Family up there
115
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:19,913
singing instead of graftin'!
Where's Alan? Well, Lesley?
116
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,395
- Stranrae.
- Where?!
117
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,238
Stranrae!
118
00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:26,078
Stranrae?!
119
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,953
In Scotland?! Today?! Stranrae?!
120
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,594
Ooh, me angina. You're killin' me.
121
00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:35,395
Wanna sing at me funeral, lads?
Cos it's comin'.
122
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,637
(Mobile phone)
123
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:49,999
Not responding. He probably
can't get a signal in Stranrae!
124
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:54,594
(Ringing stops)
125
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:59,510
Balls to you. Can we close
the circus and open the club?
126
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:02,200
(Woman) The man from
the brewery's here!
127
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:06,473
Kenny, give these to Max
and Paddy - headsets. No buts.
128
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:07,954
Anything else?
129
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,594
Somebody's nicked the bingo machine.
130
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:14,031
Let's get ready to rumble!
131
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,879
Lesley, can I have a word?
132
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:22,000
- You holding these or what?
- Shut up. Stop moanin'.
133
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:25,112
- Chuck us that hammer.
- Here.
134
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,356
- You goin' bald?
- No.
135
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,711
- I can see your head.
- It's always been like that.
136
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:34,400
- Since when?
- Me hair's very fine.
137
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,829
I don't know about fine, it's thin.
138
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,190
- It's not thin.
- It's anorexic.
139
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:40,913
- Shut it!
- Oi, dickhead!
140
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,871
Brian says you gotta wear these.
141
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,797
- What are they?
- Headsets.
142
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:48,720
- Headsets?
- Sets? For your head?
143
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,479
It's all there, "Grand gala opening".
144
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:55,115
- Yeah, very good. Who's Brain?
- Brain?
145
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:59,199
Brain Potter. Brain Potter.
And on the back, Brain Potter.
146
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:02,471
Brain on the front,
Brain on the back. Disgrace.
147
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:05,717
- Pop-up.
- Pop-up? What club's that?
148
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,718
Whose club's that?
That's not my club, son.
149
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:10,114
Er...
150
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:13,710
- Da-daa!
- Who's that supposed to be?
151
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,593
- It's you.
- Get it off. Get it off now.
152
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,756
Stick 'em up your arse.
153
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:24,832
I know why you won't wear 'em -
you don't wanna mess your hair.
154
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,998
(Laughs) What hair you've got left.
155
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,350
- Don't.
- (Laughing)
156
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,438
Eh...baldy?
157
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,074
- Baldy bouncer.
- Leave it.
158
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:39,238
Baldy, baldy. Baldy.
159
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:40,873
Baldy, baldy, baldy...
160
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,797
Leave it!
161
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,639
(Brian) That's it.
Every last one of 'em.
162
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,432
(Window smashes)
163
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:48,879
What were that?!
164
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,877
(Groaning)
165
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,515
(Man) ls he all right? Was he fell?
166
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,120
Jesus Christ... Help me.
167
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,037
- Get up, you girl.
- Help me...
168
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,198
- (Brian) My window!
- (Groans)
169
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:12,353
Whoa! Can you move back, please?
Can you move back, please?
170
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:15,836
15 quid a ticket?
Why can't we go round there?
171
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,791
It's for VIPs only, love.
172
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:22,516
Oh, hey, it's all wrong, this.
We're penned in here like cows.
173
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,234
(Headphones) 'Punch her in the face.'
174
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,272
(Brian) Let's get on
with the ribbon. Ten!
175
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,357
Nine! Eight!
176
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,152
Seven! Six!
177
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,476
Five! Four!
178
00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:37,797
Three! Two! One!
179
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,751
(Woman cheers, man yells)
180
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,360
(All cheering)
181
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,800
Look at the lights!
Oi, love, look at the lights!
182
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,639
Ladies and gentlemen, and Roy,
183
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,320
welcome to the Phoenix Club!
184
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:58,033
(Woman claps and cheers)
185
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,799
Make your way to the Pennine Suite.
186
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,195
Canapes will be served forthwith.
187
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:05,709
Eyeball, I've got a convoy here.
188
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:09,515
- '10-4, rubber dick.'
- Eh, less of the rubber dick...
189
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:10,959
baldy.
190
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,593
(Laughter on headphones)
191
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:16,270
Hold it, whoa, what's goin' on here?
192
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:20,712
30 pence apiece,
and don't forget the raffle.
193
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,990
- 20 pence...
- ls Alan here yet?
194
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:28,114
Tell Alan he'll be playin'
his organ down the bloody Job Club.
195
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,151
You hear me?
196
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:34,949
Evenin', ladies.
No concealed weapons, I hope?
197
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,514
There you go. That's it, in you pop.
198
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:38,959
That's the way.
199
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,789
Lordy, I wouldn't mind
hangin' out of that.
200
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,478
'And that.'
201
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,273
What's goin' on here?!
Can I get through?
202
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:51,029
- What's goin' on, Captain?
- Who's signin' this lot in?
203
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,436
That's TV's own Roy Walker, that!
Go on through, Roy.
204
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,630
Can you get through?
205
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:59,240
Let's get ready to rumble!
206
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,033
All right, comin' up now,
a classic hit,
207
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:04,515
Aled Jones singin' that...
208
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:08,315
Walking In The Air song,
classic. Here we go.
209
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:11,512
(# Walking In The Air
rises and falls)
210
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,870
(DJ) There we go. In the air.
211
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:16,911
Listen to his high voice.
212
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:22,030
(Out of tune) # Walking in the air
213
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:25,391
- Sorry about the smell of gloss.
- That's all right.
214
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,795
- We just had it tarted up.
- Nice.
215
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,638
- D'you like it?
- Yeah.
216
00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:32,559
- How's TV goin'?
- All right, you know.
217
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,911
- Is Catchphrase coming back?
- I don't do that any more.
218
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,678
- Really?
- No, no.
219
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,712
So you've pissed on your Mr Chips?
220
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,389
- 'Patrick, can you hear me?'
- 'Yeah.'
221
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:58,718
- 'Can you hear me now?'
- 'Hear you? I can see you!'
222
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:02,515
- 'Can you hear me now?'
- 'You'll have to go further.
223
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:06,155
- 'They're dear, these.'
- 'Can you hear me now?'
224
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,157
# Walking in the air...
225
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,077
Know what I mean? (Laughs)
226
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,238
Oh, 'ey up, hello, Billy.
Like your glasses.
227
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,432
Hey, the glamour girls are in.
All right, Moira.
228
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,869
- How's Ron, still in hospital?
- No.
229
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,560
- Oh, that's good news.
- He's dead.
230
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:27,553
So, there we go, Aled Jones and
that classic Walking In The Air.
231
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,398
He was actually flying,
232
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,478
it's a complete misnomer
on every conceivable level.
233
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:37,071
Now here we go with Paul
Hardcastle's anti-war song, 19.
234
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,270
N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nineteen.
235
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,358
# ..Many ways, and so were
those who did the fighting... #
236
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,597
We should've started by now.
ls Alan here yet?
237
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,631
No. But the band are.
238
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:50,399
- Go and find out where Alan is.
- Right.
239
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,431
(Inaudible)
240
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,518
- Roy?
- Yeah?
241
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:59,190
- W-w-warm in here, isn't it?
- No, I'm fine.
242
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:03,677
You sure? Slip your jacket off.
You'll feel t'benefit outside.
243
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:05,393
- No, honestly.
- Sure?
244
00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,158
- Thanks for asking.
- Yeah?
245
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,190
Yeah.
246
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,757
Do you...do you like the club?
The room and that?
247
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,473
Yeah...yeah,
248
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,876
I like it, I like it,
I like the way you've got the...
249
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,150
- The...
- Say what you see, Roy.
250
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,635
Say what you see, eh?
251
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:37,639
Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my privilege and my pleasure
252
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:40,991
to welcome you all to
the gala opening night of...
253
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,792
the Phoenix Club!
254
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,070
(Cheering)
255
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:51,919
A very special occasion and because
of that tonight there'll be no bingo.
256
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,873
(All) Ohh!
(Man) Bloody hell!
257
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,992
Without further ado,
will you welcome on stage
258
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:02,477
the best backing in clubland,
it is Les Alanos!
259
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,511
(Cheering)
260
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,876
Please welcome to the stage,
261
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:12,356
your host with the most,
the compere without compare,
262
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:16,792
your very own
Jerry "The Saint" St Clair!
263
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,275
(# The Saint theme)
264
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,753
(Cheering)
265
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,912
Welcome to the show.
266
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,191
Let's get the show on the road,
here we go, join in.
267
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,993
This one you'll know and love.
Here we go.
268
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:41,192
# Start spreading the news
269
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:44,915
# I'm leaving today
270
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,999
# I wanna be a part of it
271
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:52,032
# Phoenix, Phoenix
272
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,471
# These Vagabond shoes...
273
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,750
(Audience) Ohh...
274
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,312
Kenny? The bloody power's gone!
275
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,113
- (Booing)
- (Jerry) We'll sort it out.
276
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,470
We'll be back in a few minutes.
277
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:11,514
- (Max) 'Can you hear me now?'
- Yeah, where are you?
278
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,756
'I'm on the bus - Look, I'm here!
279
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:17,430
'Hey, look, I'm on the bus! He-ey!
280
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:20,871
'Look, I'm on the bus! Hey!'
281
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,877
- There you go.
- Thank you.
282
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,958
- Reminds you of t'war, don't it?
- (Laughing)
283
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,917
Oh, that's the toilet.
284
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,395
- What's the damage?!
- I got a shock!
285
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:34,034
Shut up, you girl.
Where's Les and Alan?
286
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,993
Me decks aren't working!
It's ridiculous!
287
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:40,271
It's unprofessional!
You can stick your disco!
288
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,596
Who is that?
289
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,995
(Excited chatter)
290
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,750
- This it?
- Pack that in!
291
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,155
- You trying to kill me?!
- That one?
292
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,158
- Brian, this is Ray Von.
- Ray who?
293
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,635
- Von. As in rave on!
- ls he a turn?
294
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,069
No, a spark. Tell him what you said.
295
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:04,750
You've overloaded your
main circuit. Too many bulbs.
296
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,269
I said that! Can you fix that?
297
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,880
I wouldn't know where to begin.
298
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:12,196
- I'll pay you.
- I'll get the gear.
299
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,072
- I said...
- You never said!
300
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,272
- ..I'm saying things!
- ls it a three-day week?
301
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,357
- Who's that?
- It's black as owt.
302
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,550
You'll be lucky to go on - power cut.
303
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,831
Nay, we durn't need electric,
we're t'folk band.
304
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:26,678
Can you speak English?
305
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,633
(Posh voice) We're acoustic.
Unplugged.
306
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:32,593
They're acoustic!
Get 'em straight on!
307
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,950
We've no microphone.
308
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:39,471
There's old saying in show business -
the show must go on.
309
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,593
So will you welcome on stage
your very own Half A Shilling!
310
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,313
(Cheering)
311
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,557
How's thou doin'?
312
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,637
(All) Fine!
313
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,990
A one, two, three, four...
314
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:58,758
Brian Potter?
315
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,838
Debra Quinn,
Bolton Independent Leader.
316
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:05,271
Have you, er...got
a problem with your electrics?
317
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:09,837
Oh, no, it's part of the show,
these boys insist on it.
318
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:16,236
So there I was on the centre court -
I'd not even been seeded!
319
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,677
(Cheering)
320
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,831
Back on now.
321
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:26,793
(Knocking)
322
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,874
- Should be right now.
- Well done, son.
323
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,116
(Audience clapping along)
324
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,880
It's great how you keep up the Irish
accent when you're not on the telly.
325
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,479
I am Irish, you know.
326
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,477
- Are you?
- Aye.
327
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:49,479
- Not like that Gerry Adams.
- He's Irish as well.
328
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,431
- Is he?!
- Aye.
329
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,471
Fair play to him.
330
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,076
(Sighs)
331
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,591
Salt and vinegar?
332
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,234
Patrick,
d'you want salt and vinegar?
333
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,157
'Yeah, and tomato sauce.'
334
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,316
Yeah, and tomato sauce, please.
335
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,237
Tomato sauce...
336
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,551
Here you go. Next, please.
337
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,230
- Can I have a lightly battered?
- OK, fine.
338
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,791
So your first club flooded,
your second one burnt down,
339
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:34,437
- now you've rebuilt this. Why?
- Third time lucky. (Laughs)
340
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:38,235
- ls there a future for clubs?
- Clubland'll never die.
341
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,476
Always be as popular as ever.
342
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:44,400
But how will you compete with
the more established clubs
343
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:47,353
- like the Banana Grove?
- The Banana Grove?
344
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,392
Den Perry -
Den of lniquity we call him.
345
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:54,479
Lap dancin' on the sabbath.
Little kiddies... Disgrace.
346
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:58,354
The secret to a successful club
is to cater for the family,
347
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,552
- nothing offensive, Donna.
- Debra.
348
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,557
Whatever.
349
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,718
(Cheering)
350
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:10,196
- How's tha doin'?
- (All) We're doing fine!
351
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,153
This song's about
when I asked me mam and dad
352
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,714
for some white Holy Communion shoes.
353
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:20,197
Times were hard. Dad had to work
shifts to buy us those shoes.
354
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,550
Any road, when they come back
355
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,638
they weren't white, they were black,
356
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,115
so he said, "Send the buggers back!"
357
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,151
A one, two, three...
358
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:34,239
# Send the buggers back,
oh, send the buggers back
359
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,840
# These aren't the ones I wanted
360
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:39,030
# So I'm sending them straight back
361
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:41,754
# I only wanted white ones
362
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,393
# They've sent us bloody black
363
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:48,230
# I'm gonna stick the lid back on
and send the buggers back
364
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,070
# Me father worked hard
all his life
365
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,430
# Down t'pit in Tarbury
366
00:19:56,480 --> 00:20:00,838
# He never left the alcohol
'cept from June to January
367
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:02,871
# He saved his pennies in a jar... #
368
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:06,356
See, nothing offensive, nothing blue.
369
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,040
- No, just racist.
- # He blew a bloody fuse
370
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,471
# He shouted
send the buggers back, oh...
371
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:15,717
Get 'em off the stage!
Kenny, get 'em off!
372
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:17,558
Get 'em off the stage!
373
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,432
Security!
374
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:23,075
Max! Max, get back here quick,
it's kicking off!
375
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:28,510
(Panicked squeal) Get 'em off!
Get 'em off the stage!
376
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,790
# These aren't the ones we wanted
377
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,992
# So I'm sending 'em
straight back... #
378
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,395
(Crowd booing)
379
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:47,710
There you go! Half A Shilling!
Let's hear it for 'em.
380
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,478
Half A Shilling.
381
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:51,477
# ..Happiness again
382
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:55,559
# Right back to where
I should have been... #
383
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,114
(Jerry) All together now,
here we go - chorus!
384
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,357
# Just wanna dance the night away
385
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,199
I can't hear you, you're mumbling!
386
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,277
Hey!
387
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:19,038
# Send the buggers back,
send the buggers back
388
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,469
You're a gentleman, Roy.
389
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,511
Kenny, can you smell turps?
390
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:27,918
Listen, I'll ring you about that
film with you and Nick Nolte.
391
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,794
You bailed us out tonight,
is that what you do - you a sparky?
392
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:35,276
No, I'm a DJ.
Electrics is just something I do.
393
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:36,993
- You got bookings?
- No.
394
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,793
I've been out of the game
for a while.
395
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,354
Why don't you, er, get a job here?
396
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,472
I don't think
Jive Jive Bunny'll be coming back.
397
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,318
- Really?
- Oh, aye.
398
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:49,715
- Cheers, thanks, Mr Potter.
- OK.
399
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,154
The equipment's not up to much.
400
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:58,592
I'll sort that out. I build me
own gear, lights, sound systems.
401
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,597
- Do you?
- Yeah.
402
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:03,632
Couldn't look at
our pot washer, could you?
403
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:07,310
- I'll have 'mares, you know.
- How do you think it went?
404
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,431
Couldn't have gone better!
405
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,279
A power cut and
a singalong with Combat 18.
406
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:14,789
I can't wait for tomorrow's papers.
407
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:18,037
"New Club In Racist Riots!"
It'll ruin us!
408
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,151
They had nothing to do with us.
409
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:21,793
- You booked 'em!
- Me?
410
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:25,549
The only good thing was Ray Beam
or whatever he's called.
411
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,671
He's solid gold, that lad.
412
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:31,793
Oh, and you, Alan "Stranrae" Johnson!
413
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:34,116
Today of all days, driving!
414
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,075
What's he doin'?!
415
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:44,240
He's brought the chips,
he's brought 'em and dropped 'em!
416
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,749
Why do I pay you two good money?!
417
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,950
- (Groans)
- Look at this!
418
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,152
- (Brian) Get up!
- Where's the tomato sauce?!
419
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,352
(Brian) You act like bloody children!
420
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,676
(Max shouting incoherently)
421
00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:01,270
(Brian) The power's gone again.
That's twice now.
422
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:03,038
Where's that wire go?
423
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,552
The bloody club's
wired to the lamppost!
424
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,672
Has Ray Von done that?
Where's he learnt that?
425
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:14,076
Off the waltzers.
He worked on the fairs.
426
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:16,839
He's a gyppo? Oh, my... We're cursed!
427
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:20,350
He'll be Tarmacking the car park
and selling us pegs!
428
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,153
That were all years ago,
he's changed.
429
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:26,352
- Since he got out of prison.
- Prison? Prison?!
430
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,789
- Do you not remember him?
- I do not!
431
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,719
- He went out with Tracy Burns.
- Tracy who?
432
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,671
I don't know no Tracy Burns.
433
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,473
She won that Junior Talent that year.
434
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:39,160
- With the Hula Hoop.
- Oh, young Tracy?
435
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:42,795
- I've not seen her for years.
- I know. He killed her.
436
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,032
(# David Bowie: Space Oddity)
437
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:58,511
# And I'm floating
in a most peculiar way... #
438
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,632
- Next!
- What?
439
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:03,557
- (Brian) Next!
- What?!
440
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,319
- (Fires toy ray gun)
- I can't hear you!
441
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:13,319
# For here am I
sitting in a tin can... #
442
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,158
Here y'are.
443
00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:19,478
# Far above the world... #
33632
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