Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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There you go!

Go on in.

Shall I put in a new one?

My lazy boyfriend won't do it.

Katharina, it's Luc.

Can we meet an hour earlier?

- In Felix, at seven? - Shit!

Hi, this is my dad's voice mail, r Henry Lehnbach.

If you leave a message, he may call you back.

Where are you?

The meeting has been moved.

Please get dinner.

I don't mean pizza. Cook something!

And get eggs.

Please, please, don't forget the cake!

Oh no!

- Shit. - The fridge!

- Just the place. - Yep.

I still get paid.

Hey birthday girl!

Happy Birthday! I love you so much. I hope you get everything you want.

- What about our deal? - Nick. The new kid.

We said no friends at the party.

I know, but his mom is at work, and he has no dad.

- Everyone has a dad. - Nick is from a test tube.

- A reaction tube. - A test tube!

His mom just got sick of men.

- A test tube? - Well, makes sense.

You left your baby at home alone?

- He was asleep. - So?

Now he's not asleep anymore.

- Turtles! Can I pick one up? - Of course.

Cute, isn't it?

Yeah. What's its name?

- Stefan. - Stefan?

- And the others? - Stefan, Stefan and Stefan.

They're all called Stefan?

- That way I can remember their names. - That's clever.

- Are you going to do my homework? - Sure.

- Are you in love with Max? - Nonsense!

- Did you know he has an iPhone? - Mom says his dad's a capitalist pig.

A what?

He's someone who can buy his son an iPhone

because others do the dirty work.

I wish my dad was a pig like that. Then I'd definitely have an iPhone.

- I can get you an iPhone. - Right.

- Honestly! - Do my math homework first.

Go on!

Louis, look at this.

It's delicious. Louis, look!

It's so tasty!

Forget my breasts. You're worse than your dad.

- Louis! - Perhaps he'd prefer a fried egg.

No, he wants my breast. But there'll be no more of that.

If I carry on they'll be like a pair of garden hoses.

- Very good! - I'm out this evening. He'll have to...

go hungry.

Shit! How do I look?

Good, apart from the baby puke.

Eat. Yummy!

- Hello. - Are we too early?

No. I'm just dressing down today.

- She's so funny. I told you! - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm incredibly funny.

- You must be Anna. - Yes. Hi.

What did this simple but handsome orthodontist do

to deserve such a perfect woman?

- He's so sweet! - No I'm not.

- Yes you are. You're sweet. - I'm not sweet!

- Stop it. I'm not! - Yes you are!

- Where's our birthday girl? - Come inside.

Tristan, maybe I should...

Otherwise it's too dark.

What a lovely place! It's so rustic.

Will you make your own baby with her, or will Henry do it for you again?

You must be crazy. No!

- He's my dad but he didn't father me. - You see?

I am married to her mom.

I mean, I used to be...

Henry fathered me. Dad was away and Mom had no condoms.

Is it somebody's birthday? Hey, honey.

A bicycle.

What makes you think that?

- Maybe it's a book of poems. - Can I swap it for an iPhone?

- Why an iPhone? - I already got a bike.

- Tristan... - You didn't?

It's even the same color. It was my idea!

You shouldn't have told me. I wanted to give a cool gift for once.

You'll get a cool gift from me soon.

- Who are you? - I'm Nick. I'm new at school.

- Who are you? - This is Anna.

Hello.

You in Magdalena's class too?

No, I'm Tristan's after school tutor.

You're finally here.

- Where's the cake? - What cake?

Magdalena's birthday cake.

Don't tell me you forgot the cake.

- I called and left you a message! - Work was crazy.

You only had one thing to do!

One damn thing!

Don't freak out. You were the one at home all day.

Yeah, I went shopping, looked after Louis,

decorated, and got the lock broken open.

What lock?

Okay, you'll go out now and get the cake.

No cake. I just want you to love each other.

- Tristan should go. - I want to play with the kids.

- Oh yeah, you're good at that. - Henry, you'll get it. Period.

Tristan can go with him. That would be so sweet of you.

- I'm not sweet. - Yes you are.

Come on. Don't be like that, dwarf rabbit.

Dwarf rabbit?

Maybe I should produce movies too.

Forget about it. It's a job for stable men.

Not for grandpas who mess around with underage pit babes.

Anna's not a pit babe, or a minor.

What do you care? Wasn't ruining my marriage enough?

- I didn't do that. - You screwed my wife.

- Is your dwarf rabbit hopping again now? - What?

- What did Charlotte tell you? - The truth.

The truth? That woman doesn't know what that is.

First she cheats, then dumps a kid on me,

grabs Magdalena's dog, and goes to Mexico because it isn't working out.

- You didn't want that dog. - I'm allergic.

I can't believe she told you such intimate things.

Calm down, dude.

Every man can have trouble getting it up.

But why do you wear wool socks during sex?

My doctor told me to do that. I have cold feet.

Is that why you always turn the light out too?

- What else did she say? - Nothing.

Oh, I almost forgot about your penchant for little animal games.

What now?

Get a cab and take Magdalena the cake. I have to work.

- I really need to talk to you. - Talk to your therapist.

Go on, get out. Scoot!

- Screw you. - That's your pit girl's job!

I have no money with me!

What's up?

Hello Henry. Sit down.

What's wrong?

SchweighÖfer will only do your movie if Fichtlhuber directs it.

- You're joking. - Do I look like I'm joking?

- No. - I want you to meet with Fichtlhuber.

Pitch our project to him.

Tell him he can do whatever he wants,

and that he's free to rework your script.

What? The guy's a complete moron!

My script stays just the way it is. Unbelievable!

Josef Fichtlhuber is the star director of international Dogme movies.

Exactly, he made a movie about a woman pulling off her skin!

And he won the Palme d'Or at Cannes for it.

Critics have unanimously declared ''Metamorphosis'' a masterpiece.

I mean... That's something.

Fewer than 20,000 people saw it!

It also didn't have Matthias SchweighÖfer as the lead.

I want him in this movie!

If he wants Fichtlhuber, we'll grin and bear it.

- But, but... - Henry.

I know full well it won't work,

but Matthias longs for the critics' approval.

So we're going to do it. Matthias is my golden goose.

If my golden goose wants to win prizes, then he shall.

I'll make back the money I lose here with ''Moritz Moritz 2.''

We're talking about my movie here.

No, we're talking about my movie. This is my money.

No Fichtlhuber, no SchweighÖfer...

no movie.

Matthias?

- Is that real? - Of course? Want to stroke it?

I meant the gun.

Don't worry. Look.

It's empty.

Isn't she cute?

She's my only friend. She looked right into my soul.

Cats can do that.

- Matthias, you're drunk. - No I'm not.

I'm preparing myself for a part.

- Method! - On that topic...

- She will be in ''Patchwork.'' - What?

The cat will be in ''Patchwork.'' Have you talked to Fichtlhuber?

- No. - Why not?

- He's an art house director. - No more movies with happy endings.

That's what ''Patchwork'' is!

- Not any more. - What?

In Fichtlhuber's version, I'm not a teacher anymore.

Instead, I'm a psychologically damaged CIA agent,

who drowns his sorrows in alcohol.

His one and only friend is a cat.

- A cat? - Exactly. That was my idea.

The best thing is the ending, when everybody thinks it will be okay,

and the happy patchwork family all love each other.

Then he shoots himself in the head to get rid of his demons.

Not like this.

Not like that. Ice cold, like this.

- It will be awesome. - Matthias, you're drunk.

Go to bed and sleep it off. I'll come tomorrow and we talk again.

Put that thing down, too. It looks ridiculous.

- Ridiculous? - Yes.

What the hell, man! I've been practicing. Look at this.

What was that?

Shit.

That cat was my only and best friend.

We don't have many friends in our business.

- I'm your friend. - Really?

That's why I'll let you bury the pussy.

Don't you want to do that? You were soul mates.

I can't do it. I just can't, it's too hard.

- Didn't you want to play a CIA agent? - CIA agents have feelings too.

Are you going to do it, or not?

Come on.

I will if you get rid of Fichtlhuber.

- Shit, let's just leave it. - Matthias?

It's nearly ten. I thought you were asleep.

I can't get to sleep.

- Are you in love with Nick? - No! Why?

You're nine now. That's old enough to fall in love.

Is Henry back yet?

- It must be something important. - You missed your meeting.

Well, he missed your cake.

Right, it's bedtime.

I think it's for you.

What's he thinking? I've been asleep for ages.

Hello, Magdalena. I'm so sorry I missed your birthday.

Sleep well, big girl.

It can't go on like this, Henry.

You don't know what I'm going through.

- But I can explain. - I don't want an explanation.

- I want a solution. - SchweighÖfer has gone nuts.

- He just shot his cat. - SchweighÖfer isn't the problem.

- You missed Magdalena's birthday. - True, but I'll make it up to her.

I had a meeting today.

- What meeting? - With Luc.

- Who's Luc? - Henry, Luc is my editor.

- Why do you need one? - I'm writing a new book.

- You can edit it yourself. - No, I can't!

- Why didn't I know? - You don't listen.

I did listen. You're writing a new book and saw your editor today.

Actually, I didn't.

You disappeared, so I had to look after the kids, our kids.

- I'm moving out, Henry. - What?

- So you're leaving me? - No.

- But living together, I do everything. - Like what?

- Come on, Henry. - Name one thing.

Give me one example of what you have to do alone.

Okay.

- Your socks, for example. - My socks?

They're all over, but not in the laundry.

That's not true.

I've looked for that one everywhere.

And maybe this one too?

And this one too. Maybe all of them?

I can't believe you're so lazy, you can't walk those few extra meters,

so you stuff them here and think I won't see.

It wasn't me.

Okay, I get it. You have a problem with my socks.

My problem isn't the socks.

It's the fact I've asked you 100 times to put them away.

- It's about consideration and respect. - Respect?

Henry.

I'm more than a mother and a housewife.

- Don't you understand that? - No.

In a relationship you have to be prepared to make sacrifices.

I'm always making sacrifices!

I gave up my house and my life there and moved to the city for you.

- So why do you want to move out? - I can't stand myself if I don't.

Look at me.

Look at us!

Where have we gotten to?

Here.

I want us to have a second chance, so I'm going.

- Harry! - Henry.

- Any reason you're an hour late? - Sorry.

I got followed and stopped. The groupies... Crazy!

- Groupies? - Fans. Female, young, willing.

I know what they are. What have you been telling Matthias?

I took the liberty of pimping it a little.

It'll be huge. The distributor's all in.

Matthias SchweighÖfer as a drunk CIA agent with a cat?

The cat was his idea. It doesn't have to be in it.

Forget about it. I can edit it out, okay?

Have you heard about the great ending?

The great ending where he shoots his head off?

- ''Patchwork'' is pure entertainment. - Which has nothing to do with reality.

The predictability, the happy endings.

Can't the audience handle reality?

We have a responsibility as artists

to seek purity, the knife on the soul.

- It's beautiful. - You're not changing a single word.

That's the difference between us.

You don't focus on the basics. That's a real shame.

- A what? - A shame.

Here we go again.

- It's Fichtlhuber, right? - Josef.

- This is Harry. - Henry.

Seriously, Chantal and I are your biggest fans.

When you won that Palme D'Or in Ibiza, it was just...

- Amazing. - Incredible!

- Cannes. - Sorry? Can what?

You mean the Palm d'Or in Cannes.

Exactly.

If they're your groupies, I'm Princess Diana.

- What's wrong? - She lives in America.

What?

Just because they don't understand European nobility,

doesn't mean they don't appreciate the intellectual quality of my movies.

- Which of his movies have you seen? - Well...

- ''Metamorphosis.'' - The one with that guy. Right?

Yeah, the one with the man and the woman.

- A man and a woman? Okay! - Yeah.

The one with Leonardo DiCaprio, where they crash into an iceberg?

- Exactly. - Right.

- That one was cool. Awesome. - Yeah.

It was awesome, but not one of his.

Right.

Buy yourselves a People magazine and go back to special ed.

- It's my daughter. I've got to go. - Are you kidding?

- Thank you. - We still get our money.

Really? You did such a great job.

What the hell, Magdalena? Stealing an iPhone?

- I can't believe it. - I tried to steal it.

It doesn't matter. It still sucks.

- Sign this, it's for the report. - Report?

- You must be joking, right? - Do I look like I'm joking?

No, just damn cool.

- Cool? - Damn cool.

Has anyone ever said you belong in front of a camera?

- No. - I'm a movie producer.

I'm looking for somebody like you.

''Henry Lehnbach. Movie producer and scriptwriter.''

- Are you joking? - Do I look like I'm joking?

He looks like Al Pacino, right?

- Al Pacino? - Al Pacino.

- Seriously? - Yep.

- My mom says that too! - You see?

In this country, you gotta make the money first.

Then when you get the money,

you get the power.

Then when you get the power, then you get the women.

The eyes, chico, they never lie.

And now best of all: You know what capitalism is?

Gettin' fucked.

My mom says that too.

Wow, that was fantastic!

You've got the part. I have to go. Call my office, okay?

Excuse me. What about the signature?

Signature? We're doing a movie together. Did you forget?

- I didn't see anything. - See you soon.

Do you work here?

I'm looking for hair straighteners. You do work here, right?

You know...

Er... Okay...

- I'm an actor, man. - Okay, sure.

Are you nuts? The shop will be empty soon!

I quit! You can do that shit on your own.

Don't move!

Al Pacino? That was so cool!

It wasn't cool at all. You two really screwed up.

- You can't just take things. - It's easy for you to talk!

- You're rich because others are poor. - What?

Listen Karl Marx, go home now.

- Tell your mom that communism is over. - Capitalism will be over soon too!

Magdalena and I will be left

to pick up the pieces of the mess you leave us.

Be thankful my mom is different!

Chill out!

How can I? It's at our expense.

If your ego needs an embarrassing car like this,

you should reconsider your values.

I should what?

Who went and stuck an iPhone in their pocket?

I just saved your little ass. Now show me the right face.

Even so...

Even so what?

- Thank you. - See, you can do it.

- See you tomorrow. - Bye.

- Your boyfriend is a weirdo. - He's not my boyfriend.

You forgot something.

Thank you.

Do you know why he did it?

Because he's totally in love with me.

What do you think of him?

- Nele says he's a loser. - A loser?

I don't want to hear that word from you, Magdalena.

Nobody is born a winner or a loser,

it's all about circumstance.

It comes down to chance:

where you're born and what your family is like.

We're all of equal worth,

whether rich or poor, beautiful or less so.

Sure, Mother Teresa.

- Magdalena, I'm serious. - I got it.

- Since when are you interested in boys? - I'm nine now. Remember?

Don't worry. I know how to deal with you boys.

Really? How's that then?

If we're too nice to you, you just jerk us around.

- I'll walk. - Hey, wait!

You're staying here. Don't step out into the traffic.

Where should I take you?

To Nele's.

Now buckle up.

This is for you, rabbit.

- Not good? - I've lost my appetite.

Tell us why you invited us here.

- Every crisis brings opportunities. - Do you mean your impotence problems?

- He's giving up his practice. - Yes.

- What? - Remember those shares?

- The thing with the shit? - Shit?

It's not just shit, Henry, it's cow shit.

Do you know how much energy you get from burning a single cow patty?

The amount of shit a cow produces in a year

can keep an African nomad's fire going for two whole years.

- Two years! - Could you keep the noise down?

- There are other people here too. - Sorry.

It's the key to the future, the energy sector's revolution.

Milk cows are shitting out pure gold.

Pure gold!

What about your practice?

- Tristan's bought shares. - I invested loads of money.

- So you're in the shit and quit working? - Not quite.

- I've lost everything. - Shit.

- You're still paying for dinner. - How can I?

That's terrible.

He can't pay for his apartment or the practice, that's all.

If there's any way we can help...

I could actually do with your help. Especially yours, Henry.

With Katharina moving out, I can move in.

- What? - Just for a while, until things improve.

- No way. - It would be good for Magdalena too.

- Tristan is right. - Are you all insane?

Magdalena hates traveling so much, from one place to another.

If you lived together, she'd have a real home again.

Tristan is part of the family too. We have to help him out.

- Can't he move in with her? - No way.

Anna is an emancipated woman. I respect her need for personal space.

Wait a second, buddy.

Excuse us for a moment.

- What's up? - Has she screwed your brain out?

It won't be forever.

I'll move out when my life insurance matures on my birthday.

No way, man. I have enough problems.

Exactly! I can look after Magdalena.

I'll take her to school, cook, go shopping.

I'll help her with her homework.

You'll be free to work on your movie. You need your energy for that, right?

- What about chores? - We'll share them.

- Can you iron? - Iron or steamer?

- I won't clean the toilet. - Fine, that's my job now.

- And stop saying I banged your wife. - I promise.

Do we have a deal?

Thanks for the ride.

Won't you stay with us another night?

I think it's better this way.

- And Louis? - He's with you till tomorrow.

- What? - I put up a schedule.

A schedule? No way! I have tons of meetings tomorrow.

I have to work too, Henry.

- What about the breastfeeding? - I left the fake breast out for you.

- What? - You just strap it on and...

- I've weaned him. - Hilarious.

Magdalena knows how to bottle feed him.

So I should ask Magdalena how to do it?

- Yeah. - ''Can you show me?''

Yeah, ask her. You'll learn something.

- Want to come in? - I think it's better this way.

Good night and sleep well.

You too.

Has Katharina gone forever now?

No, she'll be back soon.

You said that about Mommy too.

Mommy has a great job in Mexico, you know that.

- She also has a great child in Berlin. - That's true.

Do you know who's moving in?

- Your dad. - Really?

Yeah. We need a woman around the house.

You go to sleep now, okay?

Sleep well.

Henry?

I love you anyway.

And I love you to the moon and back.

I love you to Jupiter and back.

Sleep well.

Which part of ''balcony'' don't you understand?

I didn't say ''apartment''. That cost a fortune! You morons!

- Man! - What's all this for, you asshole?

- I'm moving in. - I never said your shit could come too.

Excuse me, where does the Persian rug go?

- Persian rug? - It will look best over there.

- Off you go. - Nothing's going there.

- Go! - Hey, stop!

Could you argue more quietly?

- It's 10:30. Why isn't she in school? - 10:30? Shit, I have a meeting.

Holy crap.

Get dressed, okay? I'll chuck you out at the school.

- What about breakfast? - I'll get you a Twinkie.

Twinkies are just sugar wrapped in dough!

Feel free to tell Louis all about that.

We need a socket for the shower light. The milk powder is in the kitchen.

He can't stay here.

- Of course he can. - It's chaos! Far too dangerous.

- Anyway, I'm going swimming with Anna. - Really?

We agreed to share the work.

- Yes, but not the baby. - He's your daughter's brother.

Neither are mine, remember?

I'll help with Magdalena, but with Louis, you're on your own.

That's exactly what I said. Exactly that.

Then what?

Well, the rest is history.

He got the sack, I wrote his book. He's basked in my glory ever since.

- Wow, that's incredible. - Yes, it really is.

Henry! What are you two doing here?

No, what are you two doing here? I thought you were working.

Luc, I'll introduce you. This is Henry and Louis.

- Katharina says you're a scriptwriter. - That's an understatement.

I write scripts and produce movies.

- Anything I've heard of? - No, he only just started.

I'm doing SchweighÖfer's new movie.

- If you ask me, he's totally overrated. - I think so too.

- I don't know what people see in him. - Me neither.

He's as stiff as a plank.

And he's even more wooden.

I'm glad you're in such agreement.

As it happens, 99% of moviegoers think differently.

He's Germany's biggest movie star,

and he's worked hard,

unlike others, who earn their money

from other people's work, like editors do.

It must be frustrating never creating your own work.

Louis can stay here. We're through with most of it.

- Do you mind? - Not at all. I love kids.

- Okay? - Hello little snuggle bear!

Sorry, but we've got to go.

- You just got here. - You'll get Louis this evening.

Come on Louis, we're going.

Can I get a popsicle?

Wow, look at your biceps!

Stefan!

Guys, let's show the Yank how it should be done.

Tristan, hey!

Tristan! Hello!

Come up here, man, it's incredible!

The view is amazing.

Come up!

Maybe next time.

Why are you whispering?

I just told Stefan about your fear of heights.

I'm not afraid of heights.

Are you worried about smudging your sunscreen?

Don't underestimate the sun!

It's very aggressive. It destroys your skin.

Just like tattoos.

It does look cool though.

Have you seen Stefan's new tattoo? It's his daughter's name.

It's such a show of love.

Are you sure you can eat it?

My coq au vin is delicious.

Maybe we shouldn't have used champagne. The recipe said wine.

That's called creative freedom.

Make sure it doesn't boil over.

- Why me? - Because you're the man.

- What'll you do? - Check my stocks.

Really?

I'm checking for Linkin Park tickets. Max is going.

- Linkin Park are stupid. - Whatever.

Did you hear that Max is going out with Henrike now?

- You're lying. - Whatever.

- Henrike is already in sixth grade. - Max likes mature women.

I heard she already got her period.

- What are you two doing? - Nick's cooking for us.

Where's your dad?

Swimming was a disaster,

so he took my skateboard and went to the park.

What do you want?

- What is it? - I want a tattoo.

What do you want it to be?

A sweet little daisy or something?

I wanted something bigger. I want to show my girlfriend I love her.

Girlfriend?

What's her name? Klaus?

Anna.

Here we go. Let's have a little look.

Somebody's been weeing.

You've had pizza?

Hey, honey, I'm so glad you're home.

Did you get the Twinkies?

Henry, a healthy diet is crucial at Magdalena's age!

- Where is she? - In her room.

And that's where she'll sleep.

Sleeping in her dad's bed impedes her development.

If she wants to, she can sleep there. That's the way it stays.

You're restricting her independence.

- In Sweden, every kid does it. - We're in Germany.

It gives her a sense of love, safety and trust.

- Concentrate on the chores. I'm her dad. - So am I!

You? A grown man with a skateboard.

Stop with the parenting tips and get me a diaper.

- Where are they? - On the shelf, like always.

A fly.

- No diapers here. - Did you forget to buy them?

I bought all the other things!

Did you see all the stuff I had to carry?

- Did you get the socket for the shower? - Crap.

- So I have to shower in the dark? - So do I.

That way you won't have to see your dumb face.

Okay, so I forgot that and the diapers.

What have you contributed today?

I got dinner.

- You ordered pizza. - Isn't that food?

I told you it looks like shit.

It's worth a fortune!

Not anymore.

You're making it worse.

Help me a little!

- Poor baby! - Give him here.

Wash your hands first!

It's Katharina.

Get rid of her, go on!

- Don't let her in. - Okay.

It's probably the glazier.

Tristan, you're behind the door. Come on.

- It's Katharina. What shall I do? - Just think something up!

- Is that you, Tristan? - No.

I'm the, er... pool boy.

- Pool boy? - The one who looks after the pool.

You don't have a pool.

I need something cold.

I forgot my key. Please, open the door!

Tristan and Henry aren't here.

That can't be true. Tristan, I have no time for games!

Fish sticks? Wasn't there anything else?

Tristan, I have no time for your games!

- Open the door right now! - I can't.

- I don't have time. - We lost the key.

There's a spare key.

It's next to the light switch, on the left.

Did you find it?

Open the door!

Ready.

- I'm opening up. - Okay.

Hi Katharina. What are you doing here?

- Why is Louis wearing a hat? - Because it looks cool.

- It's summer. - It's modern.

What's this bandage?

Babies lose 90% of their body heat through their heads.

What's with this fish stick?

Oh my God! How did he get this bump?

It's not a bump, it's just a scratch.

Louis looks like a unicorn. What happened?

He was playing with his building bricks and went...

- Really? - Yes.

- He fell. - He what?

- Where did he fall from? - There, from the bottom step.

- This far. - From the table.

- What? - Don't worry.

- I examined him straight away. - You're a dentist!

An orthodontist. I have special training.

Everyone knows you don't leave a baby on the change table alone!

And everyone knows

you don't move out to fool around with your editor.

We aren't fooling around. We're working!

Is that what you call it? I saw how he was drooling over you.

Our bond is purely intellectual.

He loves what I write.

Not every man is such a randy asshole as you,

and unlike you, Luc values me for my work.

Probably because he's a good listener!

You idiots!

I can well believe that, from him and his glasses.

''Now he's basking in my glory!''

Hey, Matthias SchweighÖfer here!

If you have a message for me, action and check the gate!

Matthias, we have to meet.

I was desperate, now it's a matter of life and death.

If you want more money, we'll find a way.

Please, please call me back.

Where's Dad?

He had to go out again.

He's at Anna's, right?

- Your dad thinks you don't like Anna. - My dad sure is a bright one.

Him having a new girlfriend doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

- Parents love unconditionally. - Unconditionally?

Yes, they love them no matter what. Until the end of their days.

Do you want a new girlfriend too?

Don't be silly, I have Katharina.

- We'll work things out. - Really?

Yes, we're Sir Henry and Princess Katharina from Saxony-Anhalt,

you know that.

- I don't believe in fairy tales anymore. - What a shame.

Can I stay here?

Of course. You can't leave me alone now.

You're the only woman who has stuck by me.

Sorry, my heart belongs to another.

I understand. He is very cute.

He could do with a haircut though.

And maybe he could get some new shoes to replace those hippy sandals.

- Who are you talking about, Dad? - Karl Marx.

I'm not in love with Nick, I'm in love with Max.

- Who's Max? - The coolest boy in school.

We're going for ice cream Thursday.

If you two make up, then you can come along too.

- I'll introduce you to him. - Okay.

I'm looking forward to that.

- The shoes people wear aren't important. - You're right.

Nick's haircut is very cute, he's only too young for me.

He brought Anna here with him.

This is an exception.

He needs to have a look at her teeth.

Are you sure he only wants to examine her teeth?

Yes, Anna has...

she has tartar.

Tartar?

That's why I always tell you to use floss.

- I thought they were maybe having sex. - Nonsense!

Your dad's just very passionate about his job.

Next you'll tell me he's retraining to become a vet.

Just a moment.

Stop your little animal games right now.

Our daughter thinks her dad is killing a horse.

If I hear another peep, you're out. Got it?

Could you help me?

- Sure. - I need a socket for my shower.

- A socket for your shower? - Yes, suck-it.

Did I hear you right?

- Suck-it. - Are you crazy?

Why? Suck-it. Suck-it!

Suck-it.

Suck-it!

Suck-it. Suck-it.

- Hey, dude. - Yes?

- Did you tell my sister to suck it? - No.

- I said ''suck-it.'' - Now he told you to suck it.

No, I said ''suck-it'', not ''toe socket.''

- Suck it? - Suck-it.

Suuuck-it! Suck-it.

Suck-it!

Suck-it.

Find someone else to suck it, faggot!

- You just knocked his tooth out! - That was me.

- It was me. - Nah.

- I hit him on the chin. - That was me, little bro.

It doesn't matter who it was.

I've told you violence isn't the answer.

I'm sorry. They're not really...

- How much for the diapers? - Just take them.

- Is something up? - Did you go skateboarding?

Suck-it.

- Did you just tell me to suck it? - No.

No, I said shower socket.

Where's the jelly, sucker?

Magdalena slept in your bed again.

- Do you have a problem with that? - No. I looked it up, Henry.

Kids that sleep in their parents' bed

have more advanced cognitive abilities than those that sleep in their own.

In Sweden, so-called ''co-sleeping'' is the norm.

Great, now do laundry, I need socks.

- Who says I have to? - Me, I am the man.

- I'm a man too. - You're a little rabbit.

One who has sex with the lights out and his socks on.

Now I really am a woman.

They're more like torpedoes.

Maybe they have kid tampons.

Sure, right next to the kid condoms.

- Do you know what? - No.

We have to talk to her about contraception and stuff.

- She's still a kid! - She is now, but for how long?

- You do it. - Me? Why me?

- You're her dad. - So are you.

- I'm not a doctor. - Neither am I.

I'm just a little dentist.

Which ones do we get?

Excuse me.

Can I ask you for some counsel?

Huh?

- Don't say ''Huh?'', say ''What?'' - Ma, I know!

Then just say it, baby girl!

- We need some counsel. - Counsel? What do you mean?

- You need counseling? - What?

Why are you looking for a counselor here?

- Is there one? - There's a misunderstanding.

We asked your daughter for help.

My friend and I don't know which kind of tampons to buy.

For the first time, this morning, our daughter was...

paid a visit.

A visit?

- Who visited her? - She got her period.

- Oh, right. - Right.

- How old is the little cutie? - Magdalena just turned nine.

- Nine? - What?

- That's awesome. - Oh my God!

- We saw a red stain. - What?

- It was probably jelly! - Nine? I mean, that's not even ten!

- Kids are growing up faster. - Duh! But they don't ovulate earlier!

- Duh! - Huh?

Don't say ''Huh?'', say ''What?''

You're right, honey.

Cherry jelly?

Is this ''Candid Camera''?

Or ''How I Punked My Dads''?

It's nothing to do with you two.

Who then?

- I want to be grown up. - What?

You're great the way you are.

But cool guys always like more mature women.

That's not true. Anna's much younger than me.

- She's talking about cool guys. - Can we hold together on this?

- Are you fighting again? - We have everything under control.

Everything?

Magdalena's right. We need a woman in the house.

- So three people live here? - Four.

That's Tristan and myself,

our daughter Magdalena, and that little man between your legs.

He gets that from you.

- Are you homosexual? - Sorry?

It's not a problem.

My brother is homosexual.

We're not homosexual.

You have a daughter together.

Yeah, well I fathered her without knowing about it,

and he brought her up the first few years.

Without knowing that she was his.

Which I didn't know either, as I said.

- Hey, you two. - How was school?

How was it at Anna's? Did you go at it like animals again?

That's our cute little Magdalena. She's adorable.

Thank you for coffee.

- Was that number 16? - 17.

- You know what that means. - No way. I'm not doing it.

As long as there's no real woman here, you have to suck it up!

Henry, please. Don't do this to me.

You clean the toilets. That was the deal.

That's the only reason I let you move in.

- I didn't know you pee standing up. - Clean the toilets. Go!

- Henry, please. - Start scrubbing.

- I thought we were friends. - Start scrubbing.

Keep going.

Under the seat, where the germs accumulate.

What's that on your sweater? Chocolate or poop?

Poop, without a doubt.

The door was open and this guy was on his way outside.

I'm Nadja. You're looking for a nanny, right?

- No. - Of course we are.

- Sorry, but the job is taken. - When can you start?

Now.

I'm sure you'll find something else, with your qualifications.

- Welcome! - Are you completely crazy?

Are you blind? She's perfect, man.

- Katharina will go nuts if she sees her. - Exactly.

- He's not great today. - Okay.

Matthias?

Thanks for giving me your time.

I have a question.

Have you seen my cat?

- Your cat? - Yeah.

- You mean that fat, ugly one? - Yeah.

Gray fur, super long hair, black around the eyes?

- About this big? - Yes!

- Sorry, I haven't seen it. - Shit.

It must have run away!

You can't even trust a pussy.

Listen to this.

- You wanted to be in ''Free Flight''? - Yeah.

Leave Fichtlhuber out of ''Patchwork,''

I'll make you the lead in Katharina's story.

- What do you say? - ''Free Flight''?

Yeah.

- No way. - Why?

- I give Katharina Meese hives. - What makes you think that?

HE GIVES ME HIVES

You could see it differently.

She gets hives because... she thinks you're so awesome.

''Matthias SchweighÖfer is narcissistic and completely talentless,

''with all the sex appeal of a bratwurst

''and the intellect of Wonder Bread.''

- It's probably out of context. - Quiet!

''That's an eloquent description.

''You should give him a copy of 'Free Flight'.

''Katharina Meese laughs.

'Yes, you're right.

'But I very much doubt he would understand what it's about.'''

Forget about that magazine! They write what they want.

I spoke to Katharina this morning

and she said the only person she sees in the lead

is Matthias SchweighÖfer.

- Really? - She loves you.

Really, yeah, I mean... Matthias SchweighÖfer...

Matthias SchweighÖfer, leading man in ''Free Flight''.

Hello.

Hello?

Is this a dream?

Tristan?

- Who are you? - Well, I'd like to know the same thing.

I live here.

Says who?

The person who pays me, Henry.

Henry pays you?

I wouldn't do it for free.

Though he's pretty tasty, if you know what I mean.

Yes, you've got a very tasty Daddy.

Isn't that right?

Almost as tasty as you.

That's Henry's shirt, isn't it?

- I got that for him. - He said to make myself at home.

Nice, huh?

Daddy will be here soon.

Give me my baby or I'll call the police.

Oh God, how embarrassing. You're Kathrin?

No, I'm Katharina. Hello, sweetie.

- I imagined you differently. - Differently?

Yeah, younger somehow.

Younger?

Maybe it's your haircut. It's so...

masculine.

- It suits you though. - I'm so glad about that.

Nadja?

Let's break out the bubbly! The pussy is out of the way!

Interesting. The pussy?

I'm only away for a few days,

and I find some naked tramp running around the house!

Nadja is our nanny. She has great references.

- And she rubs herself in oil every day? - Don't be silly!

- I wanted you to take on responsibility! - I am responsible. I hired a nanny.

- Get rid of Nadja. - Get rid of Luc.

- Why? - I don't want to see that retard again.

We work together. We're a team!

Nadja and I also work together. We're a team too!

- You're not serious. - Sure I am.

- I don't believe it. - Katharina!

Screw you!

You too!

- I said there'd be trouble. - I won't grovel. I'm no dachshund.

- Dachshunds are very intelligent. - Only a small man would say that.

- What does that mean? - They're doormats.

- Doormats? - You're a dachshund, I'm a Doberman.

Your intelligence isn't much use after I bite off your dick.

So you won't apologize and get rid of Nadja?

We men can't give in to everything, or soon we'll have no say at all!

- Maybe you're right. - Of course I am.

You are right.

- We won't run when the woman calls. - Exactly!

When they say sit up and beg, we stay put!

WHERE ARE YOU DWARF RABBIT? ANNA.

Anna wants me.

Finally! I'm busy.

- I only need two minutes. - What?

- I'm taking you off of the project. - You want to ditch me.

I'm freeing you to work on bigger stuff, to deal with ''reality.''

But think about Cannes, Venice, all the prizes!

There'll be none of that.

I can live with that. Although it's a shame.

- A what? - A shame.

Hey!

Hey, aren't you that director?

Yes, but I didn't make ''Titanic.''

''Metamorphosis.''

Can I sit down?

Are you always this chatty?

Um... Do you come here often?

Your movie changed my life.

- Did you really see it? - Yeah, it was me.

- To the very end? - Yes.

Wow.

I won the Palme D'Or for it.

- I know. - Really?

It's very humid today.

That woman in your movie had a personality disorder.

And she had no future because she fell in love with her own alter ego?

It's all about the ego. That's really important.

Why use the art of omission to manifest her hopelessness?

It's about omission.

Everything that wasn't omitted would be part of reality,

and unmasked by the art.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Do you sit next to each other in class?

Max is one grade above me.

How old are you then?

- Old enough. - Old enough for what?

I can jerk off, if that's what you mean.

It was only a joke.

- Your dads are really uptight. - I know.

Do you want my wafer?

Wafers make you fat.

- Who says so? - My personal trainer.

- You have a personal trainer? - It is what it is.

That's so cool.

Why does a shrimp like you need a personal trainer?

Ever heard of lipometabolism?

Protein diets?

- No carb? - Heard of a home for big mouth kids?

- Dad! - Ignore him.

Magdalena, you can eat a wafer. It's fine.

Of course, if you want to look like a whale.

Got to go.

Got to work out.

It's been...

really nice.

Isn't he cute?

What's wrong? You really like those.

Not anymore.

No carb.

Magdalena, you're too young for diets.

But not too young to show my sweetheart how much I love him.

Wow, he must be very special for you to give up your cookies.

- Henry would give up cookies for you. - I know.

- So why don't you love him anymore? - I do love him. A lot.

- Henry misses you. - I miss him too.

- Why did you move out then? - We're just taking a break.

- A break from loving each other? - No.

A break from everything else.

A good relationship means more than just loving each other.

- Really? - You have to be happy with yourself.

And that doesn't happen when you always have to give up your cookies.

SET FOR 'FREE FLIGHT'!

- What's wrong? - I don't believe it.

- Matthias, champ! - I've got bad news.

- What news? - Be strong, okay?

- Matthias? - I found my cat.

In the garden.

- How is the little pussy? - She was shot.

- Shot? - Yes, man, shot!

I bet it was that fat forest ranger. The evil bastard!

He's always had it in for me. When I find him, I'll chop his head off!

- Matthias? - I'm going to do it.

He just put her next to a hole. Just like a cheap piece of meat!

Matthias, I'm really very sorry.

- I understand your pain, but... - I can't do the movie.

- What? - I'm never making one again.

- You're not serious. - Fuck, Henry. Oh man.

It's looking at me, eyes wide open, as if to say:

- ''You abandoned me!'' - Matthias?

''You weren't there when I needed you, Matthias!''

Stay where you are. I'll be there in five minutes.

- I just... - I need to talk to you.

Henry?

- I've got issues with Matthias. - Me too.

- Matthias as the lead in ''Free Flight''? - What?

Hey, wait a minute. You wait in line to audition, okay?

- Audition? I don't need one. - Hey, wait!

- What on earth? - Are you responsible for this?

What do you take me for?

Do you think I walk through Berlin, giving out parts everywhere?

Sir! I'm at your service.

The audition is along the corridor.

- How did they get this idea? - It's this magazine!

They write what they want!

- What do you mean, ''audition''? - Take a number and wait your turn.

You promised me the role so I wouldn't report your daughter!

I don't believe it.

Oh God, you asshole!

Katharina!

- Thanks. - Did you promise her a part too?

I quit my job because of you. You're scum.

PUSSY

Little pussy...

I'll see you on the other side.

- Turtles? - Cute, huh?

- What is this one called? - Stefan.

Stefan? How about that one?

- Stefan. - I mean this one.

- Stefan. They're all called Stefan. - Why?

So I remember their names.

Do you want one? I'll give you one.

- What would I do with it? - You can...

- Stroke it? - That's for girls.

- Wash it? - That's for girls too.

You can put it in your pants and carry it around with you.

Give it to me.

Hey, Mr Lehnbach.

What are you doing here?

I have something down here. You can wash it.

You can wash it, and you should, every day.

That's what Magdalena does.

- Sorry? - She likes stroking it too.

- What does she like stroking? - My Stefan.

- She strokes your Stefan? - Yeah, he loves it.

My daughter Magdalena strokes your Stefan?

She's not doing it right now. He's in my pants at the moment.

- Want to see him? - No.

If I ever catch you even looking at Magdalena again,

then I'll pull Stefan up to your nose and tie him to your ears.

- I was joking, man! - It wasn't funny!

- Dad, leave him alone! - He's so uptight!

- I know! - We're over!

I have three words for you: ''Get lost!''

- Dad! - That's two words.

- Dad! - You little smart-ass.

- Dad, you're so embarrassing! - Yeah!

Magdalena?

Magdalena?

Open the door.

No.

Can I make it up to you with a big tub of ice cream?

You broke my heart. It can't be mended with ice cream.

I didn't mean to break your heart.

Want to sleep in my bed tonight?

I don't think that would be pedagogically sound.

I love you.

I know.

If you don't open up, I'll go.

- I'm really going to go.. - Just go then.

Henry, I'm glad you're here.

- What's this? - A bottle of juice.

Wrong, it's an empty bottle of juice.

- Then put a new one in. - I can't believe it.

I must have asked you to do that a hundred times.

- It's only a bottle! - No, that's exactly what it's not.

It's a matter of consideration and respect.

Please just put in a new bottle!

You know, Henry,

I just proposed to Anna in the most perfect way.

I came up with something fantastic.

But she's left me for somebody else.

And instead of consoling me, you start going on at me

as if we'd been married for thirty years.

I even got a tattoo of her name.

- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did.

Where?

Show me.

Come on, show me.

It can't be all that bad.

- Did it hurt? - Like hell.

You're a guy with a tramp stamp.

It's not funny, Henry.

How am I ever going to meet another woman?

- Banana. - Banana?

Yeah. ''Bannana.''

- Banana doesn't have a double N. - What's worse?

A spelling mistake on your ass or never having sex again?

- I need a drink. - How about a banana daiquiri?

It's good to see you.

I worked on ''Free Flight'' for so long.

It's my life's work,

and he gives the part to the biggest moron in the movies.

Can you imagine that?

I'm sure he feels terrible about it.

Don't you want to get that?

The problem is, Henry only thinks about himself.

I thought it'd improve if I moved out.

Put yourself in his shoes.

He has a beautiful,

highly intelligent woman at his side.

That's not easy for a man

who himself wants success.

I can talk to him, if you'd like.

That's very nice of you, but I have to sort it out myself.

- Are you nuts? - Henry is a great guy.

But I've noticed the way you look at me.

The way I look at you?

What way?

I don't have a way! The looks I give are basically blank.

Now you're resisting the woman inside you.

It's okay to have needs,

and feelings.

I'd like you to leave now.

- You're my editor! - Exactly.

I know what's happening inside you. I can read you.

I can feel how much you desire me.

Quiet, little bunny.

Where are you going?

I need a drink. Get the hell out of my house!

- Your daughter? - Yeah.

- She's pretty. - Yes.

Be honest. Do you find me attractive?

- It depends. - On what?

- On the tip, of course. - Oh.

That was a joke. I think you're really nice.

- Nice? - Yes.

- Nice is one step up from awful. - That's not true.

- It's the new sexy. - Really?

- I know all about it. - So would you go out with me?

- On the spot. - Really?

But my boss doesn't allow it. I'm really sorry.

Tristan!

- My editor tried to hit on me. - Anna broke up with me.

You still have a cute daughter.

- She's not mine. - Ouch.

- Another drink? - If you're paying.

- Tequila, please. - Two?

A bottle. Tonight we're going all out.

Down it.

We'll never be this young again.

This one is on me.

Kampai, salute and cheers!

Down the hatch!

- Not a good day? - It couldn't get any shittier.

- Want to talk about it? - I screwed up today.

My girlfriend thinks I don't love her, my daughter hates me,

Matthias won't do my movie thanks to a dead cat.

- You're not that bad. - Thanks for trying.

I know how I can cheer you up little.

Don't be afraid, they don't bite.

They just want to play.

But I don't want to play.

- Of course you do. - No, no, no. I don't want to play.

Nadja, you're really sweet and nice...

- And intelligent. - Intelligent?

Very intelligent.

If things were different,

I'd love to play with you, I'd play like hell.

- But I love Katharina. - She's ancient!

Yeah, but she's the love of my life.

Idiot!

Are you still our nanny?

I quit!

Can I keep you company?

- Katharina's screwing someone else. - What?

She's been behaving so strangely.

She's not answering my calls.

- She must be asleep. - No.

- She's screwing him, I can tell. - I don't believe it.

I'm telling you, when I find that guy...

- What? - I'll smash his face in.

And what if she...

screwed me?

- That would be okay. - Really?

- Yeah. - Seriously?

Yeah. I mean, you're practically family.

- And I screwed your wife too. - I slept with Katharina.

Phew, I thought you'd go nuts.

Oh, God!

- Okay, are we even now? - Not quite.

What the fuck.

The thing with Katharina was a slipup.

- A slipup? - We were lonely.

- Lonely? - We were drunk. It wasn't really sex.

It was more like consolation.

- Did you use a condom? - Yes.

Did she have an orgasm?

- Did she? - I don't know. I was drunk.

- But you know that you used a condom. - I didn't make her scream, okay?

- Even so. - She did make some noise though.

- Want another punch? - Sorry, it slipped out.

- Good morning. - Good morning, Magdalena.

Magdalena, it won't work out with Max.

- But Nick is really nice too, right? - You just don't get it.

- What don't I get? - Nick has been chasing me for ages.

He does exactly what I tell him. But Max is cool.

- I'm not cool, but I won Anna's heart. - And then lost it again.

A man doesn't have to be cool, he has to love you.

Being cool doesn't hurt.

Henry, can't you help me out here?

Look. Nick loves you so much, he even tried to steal you an iPhone.

- What? - Has Max ever done that for you?

Max has three iPhones.

See, if he really loved you, he would have given you one.

- Unbelievable! - Let's go.

Look, Magdalena.

Nick does your math homework. It's practical.

I'm not marrying someone because they do my math homework.

- Who's talking about marriage? - Me.

- I'm marrying Max, whatever you think. - It doesn't happen just like that.

- It's a big deal, Magdalena. - I know.

You have to be sure you've found the right person.

It's a responsibility.

You promise to make them happy for the rest of your life.

- Is that why you didn't get married? - What?

You don't want to make Katharina happy.

I wanted to marry Katharina.

Here.

Look at this. I got it for Katharina.

It's beautiful.

I want to make her happy,

but I can't.

If you give her this,

she'll be happy for the rest of her life.

Really?

- Bye. - Bye.

Did you get rid of Nadja?

She left while you were screwing Tristan.

I made a mistake.

Can we come in?

I've got something for you.

Take it.

It's for you.

- It's so cute. - As cute as you.

- Is it really for me? - Sure, because I like you.

- I thought you liked Magdalena. - Don't be silly.

- She's too young for me. - I saw you with her a few times.

She crawls after me like a baby. She's in love with me.

I don't believe this!

- Do you want it or not? - Of course I do.

- No one ever gave me a turtle. - Give me that back right now!

A present is a present. Owners keepers, losers weepers.

Give it to me right now!

- Is it really yours? - Yes.

I bought it in the pet shop! I can show you the slip.

- You're such a mean liar! - Are you going to start crying?

You ass-ass-prick!

Cry baby!

- I'll deal with the Tristan thing. - What thing?

The fact that you slept with him.

- I can forget about it. - I can't though, Henry.

Do you have feelings for him?

- It's not about Tristan. - About what then?

It's the fact I slept with anyone else at all.

- Without a second thought. - It wasn't that simple.

You were bummed about my ''Free Flight'' crap.

We screwed up, Henry.

We have to be responsible, and face the truth head on.

We owe it to our children, and ourselves.

- What's the truth? - Our relationship doesn't work.

Some stories just don't end happily.

Those are shitty stories.

GONE AWAY, MATTHIAS.

Three months ago, I was eating ice cream here with Anna.

You're still getting your life insurance money.

- What does money mean? - It means you're moving out soon.

- Aren't you Magdalena's dad? - Yes.

- He fathered her, I raised her. - If she did anything wrong, blame him.

- I'm Nick's mom. May I sit down? - Sure.

- Hi, I'm Henry. - I'm Tristan.

- I'm Rosa. - Luxemburg?

Stein.

- My son is a big fan of your daughter. - Nick is a special kid.

His haircut definitely is.

Don't get me wrong.

He's very sweet, but he doesn't impress the girls.

- Because of his hair? - Not only.

How many boys wear sandals nowadays?

Some cool shoes and clothes wouldn't hurt.

Sorry, but I don't bring Nick up to define his self-worth

with sneakers and cool clothes.

- He talks like Karl Marx. - Sorry?

''You're rich, because others are poor.''

So you think it's okay for banks

to control the economy more than governments?

We're subject to people who only care about making more money,

while others go to hell.

Ask the man with a family, who lost his job

because financial investors pounced on his business.

Do you think that it's humane

that they destroy people's lives and never show their faces?

I only said he could do with some sneakers and a new haircut.

Our world is on the brink because men like you

think they can buy a woman's love with sneakers and clothes.

Is that the society you want your daughter to inherit?

No.

I have to go. I'll see you at Katharina's.

It was nice to meet you. Thanks for the ice cream.

We have to start investing our assets in a sustainable way,

for the future of our children, and our planet.

- Renewable energies? - Right.

Do you know how much energy you get by burning just a single cow patty?

Two years! Cows are shitting out...

Pure gold. It's pure gold!

Hello?

Hello!

Wow.

A book made into a roof?

- That's great. - Clever, isn't it?

- Did you really make it all yourself? - Each Stefan has his own room.

- There are only three now. - Not any more.

- What's its name? - Guess.

Stefan.

- I thought you had no money? - I sold my bicycle.

Really?

I have two bikes. You can have one if you want.

Cheers!

- Hey, I'm so glad you came. - Hello.

Henry, my friend, I'm so glad you're here.

Get off. What's wrong, are you drunk?

Nothing gets you as drunk as that sweet potion called love.

- What? - I'll introduce you.

- That's Nick's mom. - No, no.

That woman was Nick's mom, but this is the love of my life.

- You only met this morning! - Tristan is so mature.

Mature? You haven't seen his tattoo then.

''Tomato''?

No, ''Tom''. T-O-M.

That was her ex, Tom.

We're soul mates.

It's rare for two souls to meet

who have an emotional, physical and ethical bond.

- Very rare. So we got engaged. - You're getting married?

- Married? - Anna!

- We want to get married too! - Harry!

- Henry, dude. - What are you all doing here?

I invited Anna, and she brought her friends along!

Even better, I have a new pussy.

Come here, come on!

There you are!

I know that pussy already.

- We're in love! We play all day long. - All day.

Look, I have to show you something. Come here, you.

- Here she is. - Isn't she adorable?

- So cute! Meow! - Nadja gave it to me.

Just one more thing...

Look, if that damn forest ranger...! Next time...!

It's not loaded.

- Oh my God. How sweet! - It's so cute!

You see?

You can finally make your CIA movie.

- We wanted to talk to you about that. - How can I put it...

- We have a new approach. - A new approach?

If the knife is placed on the soul, but it's just a hollow space,

then there's no shell and you can get rid of the knife.

- What? - Right on, dude.

- Why no happy endings? - I love them. I really do.

So you want to do my movie? With my script?

- We love it. - Isn't it great?

We're one big happy family. I think that's great.

- Can we play now? - Sure, right?

- What do you think, bunny? - Let's play.

- Come on, let's go! - Let's play!

- Who was the crazy guy with the gun? - An actor.

Let's play blind man's bluff! Here? Yeah? Okay!

- Hey. - Here.

- Thank you. - You're welcome. It's for you.

- Do you like it? - Yes, it's great.

It suits you.

- How's it going with Karl Marx? - Great. Can I have your car keys?

What for?

- To fool around on the backseat. - What?

Only joking.

Do you trust me or not?

I'm glad you came.

Thanks for the invitation.

I have to go.

- You're going already? - Why should I stay?

Stay a little longer.

Could we have your attention for a moment please?

Tristan got so many gifts today that we're not giving him anything.

He already got my mom, anyway.

But there are two people here who need a present,

because they lost a lot recently.

- Are you ready? - Yes!

- There once was a virtuous knight. - He was called Henry.

Henry was lucky enough to conquer a super hot princess with his lance.

Katharina from Saxony-Anhalt.

- They had two cute kids. - They were really super cute.

But then, one day, Sir Henry had a stupid idea.

- He told the princess... - ''I want to be a big shot.

''I'll make movies, you do laundry.''

But Katharina was an emancipated woman, and said,

''I'm moving out. You can do your own laundry.''

You're laughing, but it wasn't funny at all.

That's true. They couldn't live without each other.

But they didn't want to admit it,

so they did lots of things that just made it worse.

Much worse.

Sir Henry rode into the Magic Forest, and because he was so sad,

he asked the mysterious fairy, Tristan, for advice, who said:

''What you did wasn't pedagogically sound,

''but for months, the solution to your problem

''has been sitting in your excessively flash car.''

Sir Henry realized the fairy was right,

so he rode home and took out the ring

that he'd bought for Katharina months before.

He fell on his knees before her and said...

And said...

''You are my sun and my moon, you are my everything.

''Without you there is nothing. Please marry me!''

She said ''Yes,'' and they both lived happily ever after.

The super cute princess, Magdalena,

was also ready to marry her super Prince Charming.

They had all learnt one thing:

It's worth believing in fairy tales.

Bravo! Bravo!

Dear bride and groom, dear friends and family,

there's nothing more beautiful than two young people coming together

to walk the rest of life's path side by side,

and love each other unconditionally.

We are gathered here today to join together two people

in the sacred bond of...

Can you two please stop messing around?

Marriage is a matter of respectability...

You mean responsibility. Read the script properly.

Marriage is like a flower. At first, it blossoms delicately.

- Did you get this off Bible-Online? - Can you shut up?

Quite right!

A small blossom,

that can grow into something large and beautiful,

when you give it a lot of passion and devotion.

Okay, so you two are allowed to mess around?

All I did was blow her a kiss.

That's messing around with air in between.

Want me to blow you a punch?

Can you both shut up and get to the point?

Our feet are going numb up here!

I declare you man and wife. The rings, please.

You may exchange the rings.

- Give each other a kiss! - You may now kiss the bride.

Subtitles: EUROTAPE 2013