Original subtitles

(tense instrumental music)

- [Narrator] I'm Ace Harden, an entrepreneur,

cannabis lover, and tech guru.

(drowned out by music)

I like tech, turf, and TBH.

If you're a winner and follow my Instagram,

you see how I usually get dragged into some adventure.

Usually starts with a bang.

(gunshots)

In this case, three.

Oh and sometimes, running.

(whimsical tense music)

- I'm shot!

Can you believe it?

I mean, the guy shot me!

- I've always wanted to have a bullet wound.

- I married a dangerous, crazy woman.

You should have told me you wanted a bullet wound

before we got married.

To have and to hold?

- My mantra, repeat over and over,

a dangerous crazy woman is a safe woman.

- Do you think we could go to a hospital or something?

- Repeat!

- A dangerous crazy woman is a safe woman.

- (babytalk) who loves a dangerous crazy man,

right teddy bear?

- Oh, right, shnookums.

I mean, all these jobs.

On this one, I get shot?

- Can't you see I'm green with envy?

- I thought that was the eggs I made this morning.

I mean, if I could give this to you, I would,

just 'cause I love you so much.

But do you think we could go to a drive through,

or something, so I can get some, you know, napkins.

- First aid kit is under the seat.

Bandages, scissors, even your non-allergy painkiller.

- Wait wait wait.

You thought we might get shot?

- I was hoping for a graze.

A sexy one, nothing serious, mind you, just...

A perfect little scar, like from dueling.

- You're always so prepared.

You're my little girl scout.

- Oh!

Maybe later, but now you have a story

to tell our grandchildren. (whimsical music)

- I love bedtime stories.

(indistinct chatter)

You realize we're droving a scare.

- Oh, the delicious irony.

(laughing)

- What are you doing?

Are you stealing my car?

I'm just kidding.

(laughing)

You guys don't look like thieves.

- We stole each others hearts.

Does that count?

- We just saw the cover on the ground,

and we decided to put it back on.

- Oh, well good deeds show good character.

- Does that run?

- Yeah, it sure does.

Uncle's got the owners manual and everything.

- I'm impressed.

- I'm Ginger, and your name is...kidding?

- Well, he's impressed, I can be kidding.

- Fred.

- Fred and Ginger.

You guys got to have a dance routine.

- Well, that depends, if you prefer Tango,

Flamenco, or even Disco.

(laughing)

- What, not you?

- Two left feet.

I dance, I make a full circle.

But I feel like I've been dancing all day.

- Oh shoot.

Coming, Aunt Meredith.

Can't have burning poppers, can we?

- Depends on who's popping who.

- Guys, come on.

Everyone's almost here, come on in.

(whimsical music)

- Oh...

Hello. - Meredith.

- The pleasure is all mine.

Fred.

- Oh well, actually... - Is that a family heirloom?

It's absolutely exquisite.

- Well yes it is.

It was a gift from my great aunt Visbena.

She actually had to hawk it once

to get her fourth husband out of jail for bootlegging.

It was quite a scandal.

- Are those diamonds? - And very nice ones,

that will always belong to you,

and stay in your family.

Heard so much about you from Pace.

- Oh, Ace?

- Ace, and you're just as beautiful as he says.

- Oh, well. (laughing)

He does?

- Meredith, my dear, restroom?

- Oh, into the hall.

- Meredith, your buns are burning.

- I'll say!

(mysterious music)

- Sorry, I didn't catch your name?

- I didn't give it.

Do you want the carrot or the carrot stick?

- Excuse me?

- To get somebody to do something,

you use either the carrot,

or a stick.

But...

Then who made it a carrot stick?

- They knew then they'd get a carrot no matter what.

- Betty, Betty Fester.

Just like Uncle Fester on The Addams Family.

- Distant relative?

- Not unless money's involved.

Poor Jackie Coogan.

He was Uncle Fester, you know.

Well, his parents swindled him out of

all of his childhood income.

Thieves.

Hate em!

- Oh, well my name is Ginger. - Ginger!

I know. Caught it earlier.

And Fred.

Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire.

Makes you two very memorable.

You know, do you know who admired Fred Astaire?

Jackie Chan.

Shot all of his fight scenes just like Fred Astaire.

Well, B.A., that means Before Astaire,

they shot movie dancing,

you know with close ups and cuts,

just all stitched together.

But Fred Astaire, why,

he shot wide and in one take

so that his audience felt like

they were really a part of it.

- So that's why Jackie Chan

does those long fight scenes

with all the ladders and buckets and stuff,

bears and things.

- That guy really takes a beating.

Broke his ankle,

so they made a cast that looked like a shoe.

He kept working!

That guy has got a work ethic.

I wish the young people of today had that.

- Usually have to to get what you want.

And Jackie Chan's an opera singer.

20 albums, biggest foreign singer in Japan.

And only two things that scare Jackie,

are ninjas and public speaking.

- Well, surprise my innards.

Really?

Imagine that.

- Guess he won't be giving the opening speech

at a sewing convention.

- Hey. (chuckling)

Especially made tea.

So, you're named after the dancer,

the drink, or the root?

- Well, Mr. Wikipedia,

I'd ruled out ginger ale but not ginger beer,

knowing my mom, and...

- The root, ginger root.

It's an herb.

It helps with travel sickness,

nausea, indigestion, excessive flatulence,

that's farting. - Oh she knows that.

- Sorry. - I wasn't.

I hope I wasn't named for

an organic flatulence and nausea inhibitor.

- It could have been morning sickness.

- I'm pretty sure she was thinking of Ginger Rogers.

- Well, Fred.

Tell us who she was named after.

Was it the dancer, a spice, or a drink?

Come on now, tell us the truth

like you were in front of a jury.

- Can I plead the fifth?

Confidentiality, it's right between

the spicy and the drinking.

Every time I take a taste,

it's like pickled ginger.

Tart and intoxicating.

- I like him.

- I'm gonna go with Ginger Rogers,

because she had many hidden talents.

She painted, sculpted, loved the outdoors.

She was a crack shot.

Remember that.

- Well, aren't you two a couple of scrappy lovebirds?

Out causing trouble to no end.

- She knows us to no end.

- I'm Betty.

- Fred.

Meredith, who are we waiting for?

- [Meredith] Harrison.

- Oh.

He's the money guy.

- And the smokers out back.

- No matter what, some protocols never change.

If you smoke, no matter how green,

you're exiled like a farting dog.

- They need dog food enhanced with ginger.

- I will exile myself and bum a smoke.

- Aren't you the outgoing fella.

- Never gonna be the ingoing fella, ever again.

(lively music)

Any you guys got a smoke?

- Drag first?

- Actually, I was talking about a cigarette.

Oh wait a minute.

Oh, I thought I was out.

- [Smoker] Just stay downwind.

- What? - Ours is natural.

That's like lighting up an oil slick and inhaling.

- Don't they say better living through chemistry?

Downwind, right.

- You bring any?

- I...

- I'll take that as a no.

Kind of like when I ask somebody

if they want to go into the house

and fix the broken sewage line.

Either I fake a heart attack.

(choking)

Or they pay me to do it.

- And you would fake a heart attack to get paid.

- And you don't fake anything on the internet to make money?

- I'm there with you, fella.

I mean, if I do the dirty work, then proper pay, huh?

Oh, no thanks.

I want to keep a clear head

in case there's any trouble.

- [Both] Trouble?

- Oh, math.

Marijuana, math is worse.

- Clear mind makes clear decisions, clearly.

You get that?

- We got it.

A two year old would get it.

Freaking egg head.

- A suit, so formal, so establishment.

- Would you say that to a venture capital investor?

I mean, I wanted to air on the side of,

you know, not knowing.

Didn't want to be under-dressed.

I mean, perhaps if maybe my suit were made out of hemp,

that would be better, of course,

and then I could just light up my threads

and get really stoned.

- Ooh, Hollywood meets new aged hippie.

- He hears you.

He gets stoned, and he's not sure

where the volume control is.

- Sorry, sorry, my world consists of jeans and T shirts.

- And that world is...

- Coders, app developers, sleep under the desk types.

- All those, I paid crazy money for poser college

and still need a job types.

No girlfriend, no bills, no shower.

Young people need practical skills these days.

Plumbing, electrical.

They can't stay off their phones.

(phone ringing)

Grommit Plumbing.

- Walter, I think it's very practical

that I worked on phone software.

- Who is it? - Don't you?

- Piss off, piss off!

Oh, hey, how do I block a call?

- Press that number right there.

- So, what's your handle?

- Oh...

I'm in banking.

Transaction.

- Like, online banking?

- More like a personal service.

I relieve people of the burdens of handling cash.

- An independent contractor?

- Every day I'm not in jail.

- Gotta hate paying taxes at the end of the year.

- For government bureaucrats

to take two hour lunches and spend time on Facebook?

No thanks.

But as work, it's rewarding.

- It's good that you enjoy your work.

- I worked for the fire department for 42 years.

Wish I had your job.

- Well, every day is an adventure.

(wood banging)

- Hey, sorry I'm late.

No traffic.

Just a crime, he couldn't stop talking.

Harrison. - Fred.

- Hi Harry.

- [Harrison] Ugh, you know I hate that.

- Of course I do.

- [Harrison] Good to know, Wally.

That means I'm number one.

- You two know each other?

- Oh yes.

He's a plumber, and I'm a tax accountant.

- We both deal in raw sewage.

- On that, we both agree.

- Gene, I'm O.G., original geek.

Set up?

- Maybe after I do some number crunching.

Weed and math goes together like cats and dogs.

- Woof woof! - Meow.

- That would constitute a positive...profit awaits.

- Yeah...

Oh, I know you are waiting for the big cheese, and...

Here it is!

- Whoa, cheese.

You know, that actually has morphine compound

known as casomorphins that actually

connect to the opiate receptors in the brain, right?

Very addictive, and it really is hard to resist.

You know what?

I think I am gonna start cheese addicts anonymous.

- (indistinct) green cheese.

- Hands off.

Or I'm gonna shoot you all.

- Unless I shoot you first.

(laughing)

A bunch of times.

- Fred, what area do you work in?

- World...group funding, mostly.

You know, small groups.

Usually just my wife and I, Ginger.

- You pretty good at that?

- Like breaking into an ATM.

(laughing)

- The king of polynomials and sexy prime numbers.

Say cheese!

- What a freaking geek.

- He seems a funny fella, for sure.

- That don't cut it when he's doing your taxes.

- Well I guess you guys, I'd better go in.

- Alright.

Come on.

- Now these are just a mock up.

- Then it's okay if we mock it.

(laughing)

- She is a crazy one.

- Ah yes, she's my dangerous crazy woman, this one.

- We just need a slogan.

- Correct-a-mundo.

- Very inventive, and green.

- Are these your real teeth?

Or did you Photoshop?

Oh, those are some dazzling ivories.

- Alright, we just need to take a couple bong rips,

and then wham! (claps)

We are on the freeway to creative city.

Who's got ideas?

- For cannabis?

- How about how green is my valley, huh?

- That was a movie, 1941.

- No movie exists before Pulp Fiction.

- Oh okay, tough crowd.

(moaning)

- Alright, before we get started

with our investment seminar,

why don't we do like a round robin

for names and backgrounds, and then maybe-

- Why don't you give us a brief overview

so then we can respond

with the most relevant context

about our personal attributes?

To make us a better team.

- Great idea.

Just a great idea.

Don't you think so, Harrison?

- Well, I... - And you second the motion.

- I second. - Fantastic.

Harrison's wonderful presentation is up.

- It's okay. - Let's go.

- Okay, I wasn't ready...

- It's okay, you can do it.

- Let me switch over the input.

What we're looking at is a multi billion dollar industry

with enormous growth potential.

- Pun intended. (laughing)

- Right-o, Ace.

And this growth area,

Colorado has seen its tax receipts increase dramatically.

The Colorado Department of Revenue

has stated that its income for marijuana

had pushed well past one billion dollars.

- Wow. - Woo!

- Yeah.

I mean, first year of revenue was 692.million.

Second year, 996.2 million.

(all exclaiming)

That's a 42% growth factor.

- That is growing like a weed. - Yeah.

And our mission, if you just decide to accept,

is to create a new car delivery service.

But with a twist.

- What is it, what is it?

- Car delivery?

- We deliver food and cannabis.

So it's three delivery systems.

Cannabis, along with the munchies.

They don't need to leave the house, ever.

A new potential brand name, Weed & Feed.

- Crunched and Munched. (laughing)

Sweet and Eat.

- How about Stoned and Boned?

- Glass and Ass.

- That's a very different delivery.

- Appeal to the viking stoners.

Weed and Meade.

Oh, oh I've got it.

Delivery alcohol and cannabis.

Weed, Meade, and Speed.

- Yes! (clapping)

- Okay okay, round robin.

Harrison, Dostoevsky.

- Not Harrison.

- Like the novelist?

- Crime and Punishment.

You ever read it?

- I live it.

- Doson...what the hell?

Now that is gonna be a sitch audience.

Dofskenas...what?

Are you adopted?

- No, my parents were.

Okay, so...

I'm an accountant.

A number cruncher.

Cannabis empressario.

- Man you stole my line.

- Now gentlemen, guys, let's just get around the circle.

- Oh...

Retired fire officer, lieutenant.

We train like our lives are in danger.

- Me too.

Don't I always say that, my love?

- Spirit, indeed.

- How about that?

You used to put out fires?

- And now, I get people to light em.

I want to make a little extra income in retirement.

Cancer survivor, DBC use.

I put out fires,

and now I want to be a cannabis ars...

- [Group] Arsonist.

- That's it.

You know, I don't know that these California pensions

are gonna be there.

Because of the idiots that run our state.

So, there you go. (laughing)

- I'm sorry, what's your name again?

- Oh I'm sorry.

My name is Betty Fester, Betty Fester.

- Ah, like Uncle Fester.

- You're right.

You are such a rocket scientist.

- Okay. (clears throat)

I'm Walter, Walter Grommit.

- [Harrison] Hi Wal Mart.

- You're still number one, Harriet.

I'm a plumber.

Now this guy asks me to lay out the PVCs setting

for his grow, I got intrigued.

I think there's a great potential

to make a lot of money,

which means I won't have to crawl under houses anymore.

- Ace Harden.

Entrepreneur, tech innovator, sometimes musician.

Nice to meet y'all.

- Well I'm Meredith, your hostess,

and I'm just looking for a way to make more money.

And I'm very interested to hear all of your opinions.

- Gene Kismet, tech, coding, and proud geek.

Apps and cannabis are going to unlock the world,

and I'm gonna find the key.

- Oh, Ginger.

I'm looking for a new angle of avenue

to take, to make money.

From Decatur Georgia, originally.

Came out to go to USC, go Trojans.

I like Jackie Chan movies.

- Yes. (clapping)

- Eventually, I want to open my own

combination hardware store and bakery.

Pipes are pipes, right?

Oh, and, meet new fun friends.

- Oh, Fred.

You know, I'm just sick and tired

of the corporate world.

It's just highway robbery.

And, went to Folsom State.

- Where is that?

- Up north.

- It sounds like a prison to me.

(all laughing)

- Ah! You're killing me. - That's funny.

- You're funny, Betty.

You're really funny.

At any rate, while I was there,

I learned a lot about sales and negotiations,

and as well as saw first hand

how oppressive the corporate business world can be,

especially in regards to growth and opportunity.

And really there embraced the entrepreneurial spirit of,

I defined a need and ultimately supply it.

- That's our job, right?

Okay, so...

I have some data here I'm gonna pass around.

Or I could send you a PDF.

(all exclaiming)

- In other news,

Greece has stopped using the Euro as currency.

It has switched to suing shots of Uzo as payment.

They just need to be careful

not to drunk all the profits.

- Like our profits going up in smoke.

- No, we want smoke in profits.

- In local news,

an alarm went off at Straughn Teeum Corporation,

catching sight of these two individuals.

The two alleged suspects

jumped into a Ford Escape, and well,

made their escape.

Wonder what would've happened with a Probe.

They remain unidentified and at large.

Straughn Teeum Corporation deals with international

money exchanges and cash shipments

to large public customer industries

with high cash volumes.

Its international business has been

a hub for investigations.

In an usual twist to the story,

Straughn Teeum Corporation

said nothing was actually stolen from the company.

- Nothing was stolen.

- [News Anchor] And cash shipments

to large public customer industries

with high cash volume.

- Nothing reported.

- A robbery.

And nothing stolen?

Bit of calling for the corporation, you think?

- Hey, Fred.

Wasn't that car cover on the old Volkswagen?

And did you-

What is going on?

- What is this?

- I know my presentation was a little off,

but you two are going overboard.

- You're used to people pulling guns on you?

- I do peoples taxes.

It's highway robbery for a living.

- They're the robbers.

- Wait, what?

- The company.

Straughn Teeum Corporation.

- According to the Straughn Teeum Corporation,

nothing was stolen.

- I think that...

I was just trying to say...

- Quiet, I'm just trying to figure this out.

- Seems there's a glass ceiling

in the criminal under world, too.

Hashtag, me too criminal.

- Just shut up!

- You know, just because we're hostages,

doesn't mean that you can't show some manners.

- Not shooting you shows some manners.

Can we agree on that?

Show of hands.

Very good.

Thank you for your cooperation.

I hate plumbers.

- For once it's not me.

- Good for you, girl.

Be assertive!

In a non violent way, I mean.

- Okay okay, is there anything else you want to say?

- You don't have to talk to me like that.

Especially in front of the hostages.

He got shot this morning,

and has been a little testy.

- I hate it when that happens.

- Really? I didn't think he was.

I thought you were kind of charming.

You know, when I get testy,

I tend to tweet nasty things to people,

then have to hind under my desk to apologize.

- I don't think I was testy at all.

Show of hands.

Who thinks I was not testy?

- I think you were testy.

Show of hands.

Who thinks he was testy?

- With you waving that gun back and forth,

it's kind of skewing the poll results.

I'm just saying.

- Yeah, it's like poll packing on CNN.

- Okay that's enough!

Oh gosh, sorry, sorry...

Everybody just calm down, huh?

Calm down, Ginger has the floor.

Shnookums.

- Teddy bear.

I propose we collect all of their cell phones and their IDs.

- Why? - IDs, huh?

Then are you gonna gather

their mother's maiden name and credit cards?

- No, I'm gonna collect their IDs

and mail them to our partner,

so if any of them tries to escape,

he'll know where to find them.

If any of them tries to escape,

or rat us out.

- See, that's the dangerous crazy woman I love.

- So nice to see the love bird criminals make up.

- You know, thank you Betty so much

for pointing that out earlier,

and allowing me to let Ginger have her say.

Now you heard the lady, huh!

Hand over your IDs and your phones.

Hurry up, come on.

- Come on.

- Don't have all day.

There you go.

- You have three phones?

- It's the entrepreneur DNA.

Los Angeles, one's for Florida,

and one is for the Bahamas.

- You have a Bahamas number.

- Keep the Bahamas one to yourself.

It's a tax thing.

- Cool.

Envelopes, stamps.

- You're gonna mail our phones?

- No, we're gonna keep the phones here, just the IDs.

I don't know, we're gonna put em somewhere.

The microwave. (all exclaiming)

It's shielded.

You won't be able to get any calls.

- Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe in.

Breathe out.

Good.

- How come everybody points their guns at me?

- It's your loving personality.

- If any of you tries anything,

I'm gonna zap your Chinese slave labor products.

Everybody understand?

Yes?

- Can I have the option of maybe

getting shot before you zapping my phone?

- Are you crazy?

- What, all those contacts versus a calf wound?

Just weighing my options.

- Stamps, envelopes.

- They're in the hutch right there in the kitchen.

- Ginger is definitely innovative,

in her own way.

I knew you guys would appreciate

her entrepreneurial thieving ways.

It's like the IRS,

but without the offices and line dancing.

You know what I mean?

If we could open up a business.

Maybe call it,

Society for the Creative Acquisition of Money.

SCAM for short. (laughing)

- You used all my stamps.

Which is, it's fine. (laughing)

It's fine.

(suspenseful music)

(phone ringing)

Hey that's my phone.

- Who is it?

- Nicole.

- It'll go to voicemail.

- You don't know Nicole.

She knows I'm here.

She lives like a block away.

If I don't answer the phone,

she's just gonna walk over here.

- Okay answer it, but put it on speakerphone.

And I recommend the rest of you be very, very quiet.

- Hello Nicole.

Oh, she hung up.

- Call her back, get her before she leaves the house.

Or I mean, your call.

- And tell her if she wants to be a hostage,

it's still pot luck.

- Call her back.

And put it on speaker, speaker, on speaker.

- Come on, come on. - Speaker, speakerphone.

- Oh hi Nicky.

- Speaker, speaker.

- Hi Nicky. - Where are you?

- Oh I'm in the bathroom.

- [Nicole] So how goes your weed party?

Giving meaning to the word potluck, huh?

- Ha ha ha ha.

It's not much luck.

They call it cannabis nowadays, anyway.

- [Nicole] Not when we were at Led Zeppelin.

Reefer, pot, gang, dope, herb, blunt,

Mary Jane's stinkweed, buds, skunk, blaze.

- It's like weed Jeopardy.

- [Nicole] Texas tea, Maui Wowie,

Thai Stick, Columbo, Panama Gold.

- Nicky, stop stop stop.

- [Nicole] Nothing sobers you up

like popping out three kids.

I bet you got some real characters to show up.

- Oh you could say that.

- [Nicole] Like the fat ass crack plumber dude.

- Oh, no.

No, Walter, he's here.

He's a very nice man.

He's pleasantly plump.

I mean, he's not...he's really just, you know.

- [Nicole] And that kid Ace, is he there?

- Uh huh.

- [Nicole] You got eyes on him, you cougar,

with that cute ass of his.

- Yeah, he and his ass are here.

- [Nicole] Are you with him right now?

- God I wish I were.

- [Nicole] You know who- - Listen, Nicole.

I asked you for your baking tray,

but I don't need it anymore.

I've got it all handled,

so you don't need to come here anymore, okay?

- [Nicole] Yes, but I think this tray

actually makes better brownies.

- Brownies?

- [Nicole] Ace is in the bathroom with you?

But you're talking.

Is he giving you-

- No no no no no no!

Just because he's Jim's nephew and not mine

doesn't make it okay for me to...

Well, I mean, you know,

it actually wouldn't hurt to look at the menu.

Wait, you're confusing me.

What were you saying?

- [Nicole] The tray is not sheet metal,

but Swedish Teflon-

- Everything is handled Nicky, okay, understand?

- [Nicole] Okay okay okay geeze.

Smoke some weed and chill, geeze.

- Ask her. - Oh Nicky Nicky.

Did you rob anybody today?

- [Nicole] I'm a lawyer, of course I did.

- Did you hear any more

about the man and the woman who robbed the bank?

- [Nicole] Like it would matter

with your own personal sheriff.

How do you know it was a man and woman?

- I, well, I...

Oh, I was thinking about Bonnie and Clyde,

because I saw the movie last week.

Or it could be ten munchkins for all I know,

like in the Wizard of Oz.

Or little tiny people with little tiny guns

making little tiny moving feet getaway...

Hey Nicky, I've got some stuff on the stove.

Can I call you back?

- [Nicole] Well of course. - No Nicky.

Talk to you later, okay, bye.

Now if you will excuse me,

I'm gonna go find some rope to hang myself.

- I got some in the truck.

I can move my not so overweight

pleasantly plump ass and get it for you.

- Your ass or your head?

Same thing.

- If you two could just shoot me now,

I would really appreciate it.

- Hey Ace, can I DropBox you some of my fat

so I can have a cute ass, too?

- Meredith, it's not that bad.

I'm well aware a cougar's attraction

to someone like myself.

- Anybody want to hear some butt crack jokes?

- About that plumber talking out of his ass?

Put that in a pipe and smoke it.

- In about 20 minutes, I am not gonna give a damn.

- Quiet, quiet.

- Hey, what does she mean by

your own personal sheriff?

- Well my husband is a deputy sheriff.

- And he's at work?

- Well, he works the night shift,

and he's asleep in that back room.

- I checked those rooms.

There was no one in there.

- I feel that men are very good at disappearing acts.

- Yeah, like four years.

- Where are you going?

- Well, just out of habit,

I was checking to make sure

that he was still asleep.

- Wait here.

- Don't hurt him.

- Hurt him?

I haven't even seen him.

Trust me, we're not gonna bond

over a basket of buffalo wings.

(alarm beeping)

What the hell was that?

- Oh that was my Bundt cake.

- Is it chocolate? - Yes.

- Oh that's my favorite!

Turn it off, turn it off. - Okay okay.

(alarm beeping)

- Watch them.

- 'Cause we're a dangerous group of cannabis users.

- Medical marijuana adherence.

Words matter.

- Yeah? Well try this one on.

In our current situation,

we're screwed. (whimsical music)

(indistinct chattering)

- One of those peaceful protestors

hit me in the neck with a peace sign.

- Aspirin, water, tequila? - No.

(gasping)

- Oh, you still take my a breath away.

- Shnookums.

No aspirin?

- Oh, silly, go to bed.

I'll bring you some.

Okay goodnight.

- Give him the aspirin,

slip a sleeping pill into the water.

He sleeps, we leave.

You all go back to cannabis happy land, hm?

- So what's the plan then, Fred?

What's the plan, Ginger?

- Kinda winging it.

On the one hand, not shooting you.

On the other hand, shooting you.

- I vote for letting us go.

I mean, if we get a vote.

- Shoot all of us?

Seven?

You really want that heat?

You're bluffing.

- Well maybe.

And if you're not bluffing, shoot her first.

It's accountability.

- Okay look, I don't want to shoot anyone.

But I figure it's just like a TV show.

Just pull the trigger, huh?

- Well yeah, but what kind of TV show?

I mean, if he's thinking Magnum PI,

it might just be a grazing one.

But if he's thinking Law and Order,

we could get killed.

- He's got a gun.

Isn't that enough?

- Well it sounds like movie moment delusion syndrome.

How many characters on TV

freak out about weapons?

And then later in the plot,

they suddenly know where the safety is,

and how to cycle the weapon,

and how to deal with,

I don't know, stove pipe malfunction drills.

Movie moment delusion syndrome.

Drives me crazy.

So, what kind of cop TV you guys watch?

- Well I'm partial to Brooklyn Nine/Nine myself.

- I watch Hawaii Five-O.

And anything by Sam Peck or Michael Mann.

- What? What does that mean?

- Fred will hesitate.

Ginger will shoot us dead.

- Wait wait wait a minute.

That's not true!

Want me to prove it, huh?

- You don't have to prove anything to me, teddy bear.

I know your gun works. (purring)

- TMI. - Here's our plan.

One of you runs away somehow,

then the others will pay the price.

- Yeah, pay the price, huh?

- You don't strike me as violent felons.

- He's not, he's very considerate.

Opens doors, gives me flowers.

- Oh great, a considerate kidnapper.

- It's simple.

We want to spend our cut on pointless getaways

to far off beaches.

Our partners use their cut to bribe politicians and more.

Use your imagination.

Mess with their ill gotten gains,

and expect a knock.

And their Russian mafia.

- Oh crap.

- Why oh crap?

- Well, they're violent.

The Brakfa.

They'll sing Kumbaya and torch your house

just to make a point.

- Okay, everyone is getting way too nervous, alright?

So, everyone's gonna follow, like Meredith.

Hey, has she got any more of those samples?

(whimsical music)

Eat up!

- Indica or sativa?

- You know, I'm not sure. - Now!

- And remember, I like Sam Peckinpah.

Did I ever tell you

I thought Saw was a comedy?

(laughing)

(heart beating)

(bell rattling)

(child laughing)

- It's like I can't breathe.

- It's gonna be okay.

- I think I'm overdosing.

- Nobody's ever overdosed on cannabis.

- On Earth, yeah, but what about on Mars?

I think I'm on Mars.

- Nowhere in the universe.

- Stoned, turnt, baked, blazed,

lit, blistered, plundered, fried.

(laughing)

You taste good.

- Thanks.

I've been told I'm vanilla bean.

- I think I borrowed somebody else's head.

Does it look good on me?

- Yes, you go the right size.

- Nice hair?

- Okay, she could really use some fresh air.

Gene!

- I'm discovering my genome.

- [Betty] Woops. (laughing)

- Gene.

- I'm discovering my genome.

I found a thread.

Could lead to a major discovery.

- Great to do list.

Search about the search.

Search about the search.

- That's funny.

Can I search about how to search for the search?

- Easy.

Okay, let's get you into a chair.

- No no no no.

I can't handle the altitude.

I want to lie down.

I will become one with the Earth.

Woo-hoo. - Okay nice and easy.

- Oh...

Those are such nice clouds.

I think I see my mother's face.

Yes.

There it is.

Oh mom.

- The only way she's escaping

is if she gets launched into space.

- Well, call Elon what's-his-name.

I'll volunteer.

You don't seem particularly frightened.

Or stoned.

- Well that's a millennial skill.

Frightened though.

Little mail scheme in there was pretty clever.

Create leverage through worry.

It's like when you're last semester in high school.

You're already in, so nobody gives a crap.

- When we can leave, we will.

Trying to get me stoned?

- Just acting like a good hostage.

- But it's all a growing business now.

- Farms, dispensaries, deliveries.

A couple years, be bigger than pizza.

I want to have more dough than Pillsbury,

and I'm not talking about flour.

- In my day, you had to know a guy who knew a guy.

- It's all cash now.

Federal banking laws.

No weed deposits.

Sea of green out there.

- The Earth really is flat!

(whimsical music)

- Trying to figure out how to turn on the headlights.

- You're sitting on a sofa in the living room.

- Windshield wipers.

- Let me turn those down for you.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

You ordered a large, right?

- Yeah, root beer.

Oh.

- Stupid stick shift.

- You have it in neutral.

First, yeah, no.

To the right.

- Don't confuse me.

Cops.

- If I could create plumbing out of yarn,

I could make a fortune.

Yarn pipe.

Yipe.

Parn, hmm...

- Yes?

- Just to be clear, I'm a hostage, right?

- Yes, technically you are.

- It's for my autobiography.

In case I wind up dead.

In case I was in an alternate universe.

- This isn't clear.

I am seriously worried for your entire generation.

Ace.

Meredith is looking a little down.

Cheer her up.

Stand up and show her that nice ass of yours.

I bet I'm still number one.

- I don't think I'm hallucinating,

but I'm seeing your ass on your shoulders.

Some shit.

(knocking on door) (suspenseful music)

- Answer it.

It's the postman, but be careful.

- Why?

Do you think it's a cop, undercover?

An assassin like Bourne who's gonna break down the door

and maybe give me a disease?

- No need to be paranoid.

It's just a postal worker.

- But that's what they do.

They put on someone else's uniforms,

and then they go postal!

(shushing)

- It's okay, it's okay.

I'll cover you, huh?

Yes, I'll cover you, it's okay.

I'll cover you.

- That's a good plan.

(suspenseful music)

(thudding)

- Answer it.

- Oh hi Susie.

- Hello, just sign your life away.

- What am I signing?

- I have a package for you. - Is that a legal document?

- Yes, it's legal.

- May the force be with you.

(knocking on window)

- My pen?

- God. - What?

- You work for the government!

- Oh my. (door slams)

- Just what I thought.

That pen is an NSA device.

NSA knows, nobody is safe anymore.

(thudding)

(whimsical music)

(snoring)

- What you got?

- What's that?

- Check this out.

Oh Christmas, so many lights, such joy and cutting.

What say you, O wise one, scissors?

- What the hell was that?

- I have no idea,

but they respond to a combination of pig Latin,

Yoda, and infomercials.

It's like gathering a herd of cats on LSD

with a can of tuna.

And that is like salmon to them.

(indistinct whispering)

(snoring)

(shaking box)

- Was that a volcano?

A secret movie?

- I hope so.

Or all life on earth will perish.

- Maybe it means nobody survives anymore.

I got to get some water.

I hear it kills the nano transmitters

in genetically modified food.

- Oh I'll have one.

Just hedging my bets.

(clearing throat)

- Well, let me just move my hefty ass out of your way.

- That's not really fair, you know.

You keep mingling Meredith.

When in fact we actually did eavesdrop

on her private conversation.

- I'm having a tough time taking morality lessons

from a bank robber.

- What makes you think it was a bank?

Perhaps I did a rodeo circuit

on a bunch of ATM machines.

- It was the Straughn Teeum Corporation.

Found an obscure thread from an employee.

Crossing next through late.

An incident.

But nothing about a robbery.

(indistinct)

- Nothing stolen,

but you two keep looking at each other.

So it was cash.

Stolen money.

- You mean the IRS?

- No, that's legally stolen money.

Straughn Teeum deals with-

- Currency exchange, lots of cash.

- Like cannabis.

- Cash, all of it?

- You think those guys with the Kevlar vests

and pistols out from are just rejected Wal Mart greeters?

- Hence the Russians supplies the lead.

- You get the money, pardoned.

- Is this where the money is?

- Oh...

(box shaking)

- Cheese, make 'em crackers, yum.

Handful of salt.

Joyful more.

- Cheese tits.

I'm feeling the rotation of the Earth.

Oh, nirvana!

- Join us.

- It's kinda beautiful, in its own way.

- Kind of weird.

Sharing beautiful moments with my kidnapper.

- Technically, kidnapping occurs

when any person is unlawfully

and non-consensually moved

and held for certain purposes

as a ransom or reward.

None requested.

Two, facilitating the commission

of a felony or a flight.

After the commission of a felony.

We didn't even break the speed limit.

Three, terrorizing or inflicting bodily injury

on the victim or a third person.

Weed is harmless.

Or you guys all would be in a lot of trouble.

- What the hell is going on out here?

You didn't jump in the cracker barrel, did you?

I need to check this.

- I'm making cannabis angels.

Like water in the Grand Canyon.

In 4.2 million years,

I too will create

a great and beautiful impression on the Earth.

- In 4.2 million years, huh?

Be sure to bring your sunscreen and snacks, geeze.

(whimsical music)

It's just a graze.

It's not like she's gonna cauterize it

with a red hot sword or anything.

- You don't really know her.

Have you ever used the blood

in first person shooter games?

I'm gonna throw up.

Can I start the game over?

- Come on, Gene, outside.

- Me too, fresh air.

- Hey.

- Outside, or stay in where he might

tango with the toilet toss cookies,

or do the technicolor yawn.

- Alright Harrison, help Gene outside.

Good thing Harrison's okay.

- Alright gotcha, I swear.

I won't let the bad or mean girls get him.

I promise.

Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.

(singing indistinctly)

- Fuck.

Oh, the rain!

Rain makes me feel great. - I'm gonna make it rain.

- Just great. - I can help you with that.

You okay?

(items smashing)

(laughing)

What do you think?

We made it rain.

- Yeah, we did make it rain.

That was quite a hike.

Us geeks are usually indoor creatures.

- It's only 97 feet.

Oh, how about this fence?

We could go and make a run for it.

- Dude, climbing and running way up there?

- That's like five feet.

- Some Russians will kill us for four feet.

- Now we could go,

get witness protection, new identities.

I could be a Jake.

Nobody screws with a name like Jake.

I mean, with a name like Jake,

I'd probably have to own a club.

I like clubs.

Strip clubs, MMA clubs,

math club, chess club!

- You can't have that nose.

That's not a Jake nose.

- No?

What are you gonna do with those?

- Trim your nose.

- Huh? Oh...

Which part?

- I see none on the left,

I'll take a little bit off the right.

Just a little bit.

- Okay.

- Glory be!

I did it!

(laughing)

Woo!

(thudding)

- This isn't considered

aiding and abetting a criminal, is it?

I mean, technically?

I always wondered if abetting

has to do with gambling.

- I don't think so.

And I can say he was bleeding,

and that I didn't want him bleeding all over my travertine.

And I think that it is defensible in court

to preserve Italian marble.

- Maybe in an Italian court.

Or would you be saying it in Italian?

Oh...

You got something.

Let me help you with that.

- Next time, they are -

- Ginger.

Ginger! Ginger!

Ginger.

Fresh air.

They need to burn some creative energy.

- They can make a break for it.

- Into the stratosphere?

I got a plan.

- Alright.

Everybody outside, and listen to Ace.

- I'm off to Hawaii, aloha!

- Witness protection forgets you

like yesterdays newspaper.

- What's a newspaper?

- Okay, right.

It's like a bad movie.

- Sounds like your documentary.

Ooh ooh, "Harrison and Gene's Last Days,

Our Date With a Russian Ax Murderer."

- Huh?

Why did you have to give him an ax?

Why not a gun with a silencer?

An ax...

I should sneak over that fence, and rescue us.

- You'd leave me here alone?

- I'll be back.

What's the address here?

I should smack you in the head and make a little blood.

And make my escape.

- Or I could smack you with a brick

and say you tried to escape

to cultivate favor with the kidnappers.

Oh and just so everybody likes what I did,

I'm gonna tell them all you tried to rat us out to the IRS.

You will get zero sympathy.

- I like that idea.

- Stay still.

I'm trying to cut your nose.

Make sure it's right.

Okay hold on, stay still. - Okay, alright.

- Stay here, I'm afraid. - Alright okay.

- I'm gonna make you look like Jake.

- Everyone's feeling a little buzzed.

- Just a little.

- Turnt, burned, fried, and frizzled!

(laughing)

- Cannabis is a C word.

What other words that begin with C can we think of?

- Can I use profanity?

- I'm thinking...creativity.

So I want everyone to pick their favorite character,

and favorite form of expression, and do it.

Let's have fun!

- He said have fun.

Now. (laughing)

- Tahiti, here I come. (upbeat rock music)

- How's that?

- Yeah, that takes too much off the tip.

Again.

- Hello.

- Ah!

- Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.

- You didn't scare us. - Actually you did scare us.

- Okay.

If I was in touch with my inner feelings,

then yes, you did scare us.

I mean, only in so far as we didn't see you.

And then you were there.

So, naturally we reacted to why we didn't see you.

With you suddenly being there.

- So, hence I scared you.

- No...

(upbeat music) (people chattering)

- If we want the plumbing from Moscow to Vladivostok,

we must build the pipes in the trees, Babushka.

- Yeah, are you friends with Meredith?

- What do you mean by that?

- That she lives here.

And that you would know her.

You don't know who Meredith is.

- Of course we know who Meredith is.

We're just more business associates.

- Oh business, what kind of business?

- Business?

- What do you mean by that?

- I have to explain business to you?

What, are you both like, genuine idiots?

- As in genuine, do you mean real?

- Verifiable.

- Sir I have four degrees.

Stanford, Yale, Princeton, and UCLA.

- And apparently not a ass hat full of common sense.

(upbeat music) (people chattering)

- Why is that?

- Because apparently you don't know

what being scared, friends, or business means.

Entirely alien concepts to you.

- I love aliens. - That makes sense.

- Yeah it does, doesn't it? (both laughing)

- Oh my God, I can't see.

(laughing)

(upbeat music continues)

(whimsical singing in foreign language)

- I love you because you first loved me.

(speaking in foreign language)

Everybody thank you for coming.

- So you're saying that we can't really know anything

in this universe because the-

- Epistemological evolution of knowledge.

- My God, what does that mean?

I know something because I believe it.

I can see it and I feel it.

- Vichtenstein.

You missed my point.

- Hey, leaf man, what do you think?

- Of course I am.

I wonder if humans ever had sex with plants.

Wouldn't that be fun.

- Hello, I'm Ginger.

I'm facilitating a creative brainstorming experiment.

- Alright, seems like these two are missing their brains.

I thought they were friends of Meredith's,

until they didn't know what the word friend meant.

Maybe they should watch the TV show "Friends."

We could get 'em some baby apple sauce

and maybe a drool bib for that one.

- That's our next exercise.

Getting in touch with our inner child.

He's a software engineer,

and he's an accountant.

- Hey, stop all SPAM.

I get like Russian hooker signups

and dysfunctional erectile dysfunction all better coffee.

And you, stop with all the questions nobody understands.

It's all a con job and everybody knows it.

Anyway, now you two, fix it.

Get out of here.

- That speech was strangely empowering.

(upbeat music continues)

- Keep going. - I can't.

It's like an ugly Star Wars bar.

I want to call the deck of the Enterprise.

No no no, stop.

Stop it!

(upbeat music continues)

- Try to have some fun, come on.

- I am.

- You contacting the cops?

'Cause I will shoot your thumbs off so fast,

you'll be typing with your nose

for the rest of your life, huh?

- I'm just on the website

of the Straughn Teeum Corporation and...

- What?

- Straughn Teeum was involved in centrifuge.

Big time centrifuge.

- Well share with the class,

oh mighty geek-meister.

- Now listen,

you stole money from a company

that makes centrifuge

from Iran's nuclear weapons program.

And we have the inside scoop

from the Russian mafia now

to keep you trying to think

your Russian pawners are gonna take the dough.

They're gonna kill you both,

serve you up to the Iranians

on a bed of Baba Ganoush

for objected hideous torture in the desert.

That's what's going on in the desert.

- So that's why they gave us the job?

A short term contract, very short.

- Oh, oh!

- Okay that was an important moment between you two,

which could affect all of us.

I kinda missed it.

Anyone want to summarize?

- Excuse me.

Robbery, betrayal, nuclear?

Gene connected the dots so fast,

I'm still digesting it.

- Well do it faster, there's lives at stake.

Does anyone have a Ding-Dong?

- That's right.

If Fred and Ginger go down, we all go down.

If the IRS get one of us to squeal,

then it'll be a whole killing field of bacon

and plant sex.

- This is a terrible fate.

Never went into a burning building

when I didn't know my partner.

You've got to take a temperature of their metal.

- Coming from the not so usual

civil servant milquetoast type,

but rather a caustic individual

that always tells the truth.

That's really says something.

- Thank you, I think.

- Oh Betty, you remind me of my grandmother.

- Double dealing whores!

- In that case, you remind me of Ginger's grandmother.

- Stabbing you in the back,

just like in the Silicon Valley.

- The IRS.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Plumbing whole salers.

- Deceitful cannabis sellers.

- Well, we're not dead yet.

(whimsical music)

And I've got a plan.

Here's the deal.

We fund our cannabis adventure,

you keep all the profits.

Cash in, profits out.

And all your IDs were mailed to a PO Box

that I can get to first.

So I hear you guys start off the business,

I mail them back.

- Oh such a deal, oy vey!

- No harm, no foul.

Green money buying green products.

- Over my dead tax returns.

- I'd rather put a fire out with my face.

- No can do, bro.

It's bad for my street cred.

- Suck on galvanized pipe, why don't you?

Sorry, that's plumber speak for, I don't think so.

- 01001110, 01001111.

That's binary language for no.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Not possible.

- So much for the carrot.

Now the stick.

- You want a deduction for cocaine,

we put it down as medicinal.

- I'm having a love affair with my boss.

- Suppliers of all organized crime coming through.

- I always wanted to be a dog groomer.

- The guy got hammered worse than a drunk hockey player.

- What happened to my clothes?

- We get caught, this phone becomes evidence.

Which I've uploaded to the cloud.

- That has nothing to do with me.

- Which is permanent, public evidence.

- I love it when you're downright sneaky, Shnookums.

- I love that you love me, teddy bear.

- So, we fund the cannabis business.

Agreed?

- Now we're cooking.

- 01011001, 01000101, 01010011.

Yes.

- Turn on the tap.

- Fire away.

- Calculators ready.

- I'm your ace in the hole.

I mean, it works for me.

(upbeat music)

(indistinct chatter)

- So I called a client

who worked at a news station, and...

- The FBI has started an investigation

into Straughn Teeum Coroporation,

for technological sales

into Iran's nuclear weapons program.

- Good.

Okay?

How we doing?

- Contract the lease searches,

and voice recognition and police scanners for database.

(music continues)

- I want to go on a cruise some day.

(lively music)

- Headed to, okay.

Just like Fred Astaire.

- Oh! Oh! - Oh my God.

He's having a heart attack.

- Oh my God.

Alright, somebody call an ambulance.

- Oh, all I ever wanted, Jim,

was to be with a friend when I go.

- It's okay, Walter, it's okay.

- Be that friend, Jim.

- Alright somebody call an ambulance.

- No, no ambulance!

Stay with me, Jim.

- That's a hell of a grip, Walter.

- I'm desperate.

- It's okay, Walter, it's okay.

- Be that friend, Jim.

- Okay, it's okay. - Okay.

(lively music continues)

- Here's the money.

It's heavy.

- Escape routes.

- Fake IDs.

- Tax advice, you never know.

- Lasagna.

- Oh Linda.

Next time I get high,

I will remember you all.

- Oh thank you.

- You all were the best hostages I've ever had.

- Bye.

- Drive safely.

- Thank you, we will.

(engine rumbling) (music continues)

While nobody really wants to be held hostage,

sometimes we're actually hostages of our own making.

We don't take a risk,

or get far too afraid to push the envelope,

try something new.

Sometimes, it's better to appear the fool,

bet on yourself,

than bet on somebody else

who you think is a sure thing.

The one sure thing about betting on yourself?

When you win, you win big.

Even if you don't light up the bong,

cannabis might be a metaphor.

New things come up all the time.

Sometimes, you just have to jump into the flames.

(lively music)

- Yeah, I sabotaged his go.

Listen, I hated this guy.

- I had one hell of a love affair with my boss.

- I can remember standing on the table singing.

What happened to my clothes?

- I always wanted to be a dog groomer.

- Embellishing tax returns.

Now that's part of my service.

- Flyers for organized crime

come through Russia and Ukraine and Mexico.

- He was hot hot hot.

And let me tell you,

if they had opened that calendar with his body,

you'd have to come up with a whole new

definition of spontaneous combustion.

Twice we did it while putting out a fire.

Plus, right here on this very balcony.

I was so hot headed,

that I came very close to jumping

right into that freaking trampoline.

(laughing)