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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,133 --> 00:00:08,103 WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS." MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN. 2 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:10,503 TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS SPACE. 3 00:00:10,533 --> 00:00:12,003 SPACE IS VERY IMPORTANT. 4 00:00:12,033 --> 00:00:13,833 SOMETIMES THERE ISN'T ENOUGH OF IT. 5 00:00:13,867 --> 00:00:15,627 CAN YOU PRESS DOWN, PLEASE? 6 00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:17,827 (elevator bell dinging) THIS ELEVATOR'S NEVER GONNA COME! 7 00:00:17,867 --> 00:00:20,827 THREE, TWO, ONE... (explosion) 8 00:00:20,867 --> 00:00:24,827 SOMETIMES WE LEAVE EARTH SO WE CAN FIND MORE SPACE IN SPACE. 9 00:00:24,867 --> 00:00:27,327 WE USE ROCKETS TO DO THAT. 10 00:00:27,367 --> 00:00:31,367 (man speaking indistinctly on radio) 11 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,370 WHEN THERE'S A LOT OF SPACE, 12 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,870 IT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL REALLY TINY. 13 00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:38,100 WOW. 14 00:00:38,133 --> 00:00:42,203 ** 15 00:00:54,300 --> 00:00:56,900 (whoosh) (cheering) 16 00:00:56,933 --> 00:01:01,073 THANK YOU. WELCOME. WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS." 17 00:01:01,067 --> 00:01:04,197 TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS SPACE. 18 00:01:04,233 --> 00:01:08,133 OOH, VERY IMPORTANT. THAT'S A BIG THING. 19 00:01:08,167 --> 00:01:10,397 A LOT OF WAYS TO COVER THIS TOPIC. LET'S SEE. 20 00:01:10,433 --> 00:01:12,533 I COULD "SPACE OUT," 21 00:01:12,567 --> 00:01:14,527 "UH..." 22 00:01:14,567 --> 00:01:17,327 (laughter) 23 00:01:17,367 --> 00:01:19,167 (imitates gunshot) 24 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,200 (electronic tones play) 25 00:01:21,233 --> 00:01:23,203 ONE TIME, I ATE WAY TOO MUCH STUFFING, 26 00:01:23,233 --> 00:01:25,203 AND I WAS LIKE, "THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE, 27 00:01:25,233 --> 00:01:27,473 BUT IT SEEMS COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE." (laughter) 28 00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:30,300 (chuckles) 29 00:01:30,333 --> 00:01:33,673 "THIS IS THE THING I SHOULD BE DOING THIS WITH." (laughter) 30 00:01:35,167 --> 00:01:37,397 (laughs) 31 00:01:37,433 --> 00:01:38,903 I BOUGHT AN AREA RUG 32 00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:40,773 BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY OTHER KIND. 33 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,770 (laughter) 34 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:47,200 "CAN I GET A RUG WITH, UH, NO LENGTH OR WIDTH, PLEASE?" 35 00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:49,203 (laughter) 36 00:01:49,233 --> 00:01:51,703 "OH, YOU DON'T HAVE THE-- ALL RIGHT. 37 00:01:51,733 --> 00:01:54,203 I'LL TAKE AN AREA RUG JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE." (laughter) 38 00:01:54,233 --> 00:01:56,233 THAT'S BULL (bleep). 39 00:01:56,267 --> 00:01:58,327 (laughter) (chuckles) 40 00:01:58,367 --> 00:02:00,467 BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANT TO, LIKE, SAVE A SEAT 41 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:02,470 NEXT TO YOU ON A BUS OR SOMETHING, 42 00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,970 JUST SMELL YOUR HAND WHEN PEOPLE ARE GETTING ON. 43 00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:06,967 (laughter) 44 00:02:07,067 --> 00:02:08,967 (applause) 45 00:02:09,067 --> 00:02:11,567 "YOU WANT TO SIT HERE? YEAH... (sniffs) COME ON." 46 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,900 (laughter) YOU KNOW? (chuckles) 47 00:02:14,933 --> 00:02:17,173 I WANT TO PUT A GIANT BOW ON MY CAR. 48 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,900 I WAS THINKING OF JUST PUTTING A GIANT BOW 49 00:02:19,933 --> 00:02:21,903 ON THE TOP OF MY CAR, 50 00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:23,903 BECAUSE THEN I COULD PARK ANYWHERE. 51 00:02:23,933 --> 00:02:26,733 IF YOU CAN'T FIND A SPOT, JUST, LIKE, GO IN SOMEONE'S DRIVEWAY 52 00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:28,567 AND JUST LEAVE THE CAR THERE. (laughter) 53 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,070 THEY'RE NOT GONNA GET IT TOWED. 54 00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:34,930 THEY'RE GONNA COME HOME AND BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!" (laughter) 55 00:02:37,733 --> 00:02:41,333 LATER, JUST COME BACK, AND BE LIKE, "OH, SORRY. IT'S JUST..." 56 00:02:41,367 --> 00:02:43,727 (laughter) 57 00:02:43,767 --> 00:02:45,627 (Demetri chuckles) 58 00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:48,627 I WAS WATCHING MTV ONCE, AND I SAW ON THIS MUSIC VIDEO 59 00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:51,127 THERE WERE THESE GIRLS DANCING IN CAGES 60 00:02:51,167 --> 00:02:53,127 ON THE SIDE OF THE STAGE. (laughter) 61 00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:54,627 AND I THOUGHT, 62 00:02:54,667 --> 00:02:56,967 WHAT AN INTERESTING PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT. 63 00:02:57,067 --> 00:02:59,127 WHAT IS THIS GIRL THINKING? 64 00:02:59,167 --> 00:03:01,467 SHE'S LIKE, "I'M TRAPPED..." 65 00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:04,570 (laughter) 66 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,070 (inhales sharply) 67 00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:09,070 "BUT I REALLY LIKE THIS SONG." 68 00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:11,067 (laughter) 69 00:03:11,067 --> 00:03:14,927 "YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 70 00:03:14,967 --> 00:03:16,927 "WE'LL WORRY ABOUT FREEDOM LATER. 71 00:03:16,967 --> 00:03:20,427 "LET'S JUST--LET'S JUST WORK THIS OUT FOR A BIT FIRST. 72 00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:23,267 "HMM. LET'S GET THOSE PRIORITIES IN ORDER. 73 00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:25,770 "I MEAN, THEY CAUGHT ME IN MY UNDERWEAR. 74 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:28,100 I MIGHT AS WELL JUST ENJOY IT." (laughter) 75 00:03:28,133 --> 00:03:30,273 (plays chord) 76 00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:32,600 * HERE COMES THE NEXT THING 77 00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:34,603 * WATCH AND YOU'LL SEE 78 00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:36,603 * THE NEXT THING THAT'S COMING * 79 00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:38,603 * WAS MADE FOR TV 80 00:03:38,633 --> 00:03:40,603 * HERE COMES THE NEXT THING 81 00:03:40,633 --> 00:03:43,673 * WATCH AND YOU'LL SEE 82 00:03:46,867 --> 00:03:49,567 AND THE LIGHT GREW BRIGHTER AND BRIGHTER, 83 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,770 AND I FLOATED HIGHER AND HIGHER. 84 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,770 AND I FELT LIKE I WAS TOTALLY AT PEACE. 85 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:57,070 I HAD THAT SAME EXPERIENCE. (woman gasps) 86 00:03:57,067 --> 00:04:00,097 REALLY? IT'S AMAZING. (all sighing) 87 00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:01,603 THANK YOU, SARAH. 88 00:04:01,633 --> 00:04:04,933 THAT WAS A VERY BEAUTIFUL NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE. 89 00:04:04,967 --> 00:04:06,427 WHO'S NEXT? TOM? 90 00:04:06,467 --> 00:04:09,227 WELL, I WAS, UM, 91 00:04:09,267 --> 00:04:13,067 I WAS BEING DRAWN THROUGH THIS LONG TUNNEL 92 00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:16,167 WITH A BEAUTIFUL LIGHT AT THE END. 93 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,170 IT WAS VERY PEACEFUL. 94 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,170 (monitor emits continuous tone) 95 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,630 (playing guitar riff) 96 00:04:23,667 --> 00:04:27,197 (laughter) (woman) THE DOORS OPENED IN FRONT OF ME, 97 00:04:27,233 --> 00:04:29,673 AND THERE STOOD MY GRANDPARENTS. (gasps) 98 00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:31,200 (sighs) 99 00:04:31,233 --> 00:04:33,803 I SAW MY GRANDPARENTS, TOO. THEY CAME UP TO ME, 100 00:04:33,833 --> 00:04:36,803 AND THEY--THEY HUGGED ME, AND I HUGGED THEM BACK. (laughter) 101 00:04:36,833 --> 00:04:39,073 (playing guitar riff) 102 00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:44,133 (laughter) 103 00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:47,927 (man) UH, A WARM ENERGY RUSHED OVER ME. 104 00:04:47,967 --> 00:04:50,097 A WARM, LOVING ENERGY? YEAH. 105 00:04:50,133 --> 00:04:52,133 IT WAS JUST WARM, AND IT FELT GOOD. 106 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:53,627 YEAH. 107 00:04:53,667 --> 00:04:55,797 I WAS FINE. 108 00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:57,973 (playing guitar riff) 109 00:04:58,067 --> 00:05:00,897 ** 110 00:05:06,367 --> 00:05:08,797 (man) IT WAS AMAZING. (laughter) 111 00:05:08,833 --> 00:05:10,433 YEAH, AND LIGHT. 112 00:05:10,467 --> 00:05:12,427 OH, JAMES, WE'VE LEFT YOU OUT. 113 00:05:12,467 --> 00:05:14,397 I WAS JUST STRETCHING. 114 00:05:14,433 --> 00:05:16,403 WOULD YOU LIKE TO SHARE? 115 00:05:16,433 --> 00:05:18,903 OOH, BOY, LET'S SEE. 116 00:05:18,933 --> 00:05:22,873 UM... YOU KNOW, I DIED, LIKE EVERYBODY HERE, 117 00:05:22,900 --> 00:05:24,330 FOR A COUPLE MINUTES. 118 00:05:24,367 --> 00:05:27,497 AND, UH, I WAS IN A TUNNEL. 119 00:05:27,533 --> 00:05:29,573 I WAS IN A PASSAGEWAY, LIKE YOU SAID, 120 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,870 AND I SAW MY GRANDPARENTS. THEY WERE RIGHT THERE. MM-HMM. 121 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,870 AND THERE WAS, UH, ALL THIS LIGHT. 122 00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:37,630 THERE WAS A LIGHT. I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY HAD SAID THAT. 123 00:05:37,667 --> 00:05:40,067 MM-HMM. MAYBE, YEAH, YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS HAD THAT, TOO. 124 00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:42,070 MM-HMM. YEAH. YEAH, THERE WAS A LIGHT AT THE END, 125 00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:44,870 AND IT WAS JUST PULLING ME TOWARDS THE LIGHT. 126 00:05:44,900 --> 00:05:48,470 I WAS JUST KIND OF GOING AT IT. UM... WHAT ELSE? (sighs) YOU SAW THE CLOWN, DIDN'T YOU? 127 00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:50,470 AND THE-- (laughter) 128 00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:52,230 WHAT? 129 00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:54,427 YOU SAW THE CLOWN. 130 00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,627 I SAW THE CLOWN. 131 00:06:00,667 --> 00:06:03,297 OH, MY GOD, I SAW IT, TOO. WITH THE ELECTRIC GUITAR? 132 00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:05,303 IT WAS REALLY DIRTY, YOU SAID? 133 00:06:05,333 --> 00:06:07,073 I SAW A CLOWN. (voices overlapping) 134 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,070 I DON'T KNOW. HE JUST KEPT DOING THAT RIFF. 135 00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:11,870 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU. I AM SO TERRIFIED OF DEATH. 136 00:06:11,900 --> 00:06:14,370 (playing guitar riff) 137 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,530 I-I DIDN'T LIKE THAT MUSIC. 138 00:06:16,567 --> 00:06:19,367 (playing guitar riff) 139 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,270 THAT WAS REALLY FRIGHTENING. 140 00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:24,270 (playing guitar riff) 141 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,100 HE WAS PRETTY GOOD AT GUITAR. 142 00:06:26,133 --> 00:06:27,933 IT WAS JUST HIS TASTE-- IT WAS JUST BAD TASTE. YEAH. 143 00:06:27,967 --> 00:06:30,897 (playing guitar riff) 144 00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:32,833 (whoosh) 145 00:06:32,867 --> 00:06:35,867 ** 146 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,370 (whoosh) 147 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:46,070 ** 148 00:07:20,233 --> 00:07:22,133 (electronic tones play) 149 00:07:24,267 --> 00:07:27,227 ** 150 00:07:27,267 --> 00:07:29,227 (cheering) 151 00:07:29,267 --> 00:07:32,767 YOU KNOW, IN OUR LANGUAGE, SPACE IS REALLY IMPORTANT. 152 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,500 THE SPACES IN WORDS CAN REALLY CHANGE THE MEANING. 153 00:07:35,533 --> 00:07:38,073 LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN. 154 00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:41,067 UM, LET'S TAKE, FOR EXAMPLE, 155 00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:43,067 "SCAR FACE." 156 00:07:43,067 --> 00:07:45,067 THAT'S A TOUGH NICKNAME. YOU SEE "SCAR FACE." 157 00:07:45,067 --> 00:07:47,897 YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. THIS GUY'S CUT IN THE FACE. 158 00:07:47,933 --> 00:07:50,903 DIDN'T GET PROPER MEDICAL ATTENTION. WOW. WATCH OUT." 159 00:07:50,933 --> 00:07:53,503 BUT "SCARF ACE"... 160 00:07:53,533 --> 00:07:55,233 (laughter) 161 00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:57,227 THAT'S, LIKE, NOT TOUGH AT ALL. 162 00:07:57,267 --> 00:07:59,727 IT'S LIKE, "WHAT, HE'S GOOD WITH SCARVES? I DON'T KNOW. 163 00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:04,067 SEND HIM IN, AND I'LL KICK HIS ASS. THINK I CARE?" (laughter) 164 00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:07,067 OR IF SOMEBODY SAYS TO YOU, "HOW DOES YOUR TV WORK?" 165 00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:09,067 YOU SAY, "OH, RABBIT EARS." 166 00:08:09,067 --> 00:08:11,797 VERY DIFFERENT ANSWER IF I SAY... 167 00:08:11,833 --> 00:08:13,803 (laughter) 168 00:08:13,833 --> 00:08:15,303 "RABBI TEARS." 169 00:08:15,333 --> 00:08:17,733 (applause) 170 00:08:17,767 --> 00:08:21,197 (laughs) "YOUR TV WORKS ON RABBI TEARS?" 171 00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:23,203 "YEAH, IT'S ANTI-SEMITIC. I DON'T KNOW." 172 00:08:23,233 --> 00:08:26,633 (laughter) "IT'S JUST--IT GETS GREAT RECEPTION, THOUGH, SO..." 173 00:08:26,667 --> 00:08:28,627 (laughter) 174 00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:30,467 "NOT GONNA ARGUE WITH IT. IT'S JUST..." 175 00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:32,470 OR IF YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH SOMEBODY, 176 00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:35,830 AND THEY SAY, "HEY, MAN, LET'S DO THIS THING." 177 00:08:35,867 --> 00:08:40,267 (laughs) IT SOUNDS FINE. 178 00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:43,830 BUT LET'S "DOT HIS THING." (laughter) 179 00:08:43,867 --> 00:08:46,767 "NO, I DON'T THINK SO, MAN. I DON'T THINK I WANT TO-- 180 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,600 I DON'T THINK I WANT TO DOT HIS THING." 181 00:08:49,633 --> 00:08:51,603 IT'S... (laughter) 182 00:08:51,633 --> 00:08:53,103 "IT'S PAINSTAKING AND DISGUSTING. (laughter) 183 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,603 "LET'S LEAVE HIS THING ALONE AND PUT DOWN THE MARKERS. 184 00:08:55,633 --> 00:08:58,173 LET'S GO HOME." (laughter) 185 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,200 (laughs) OKAY. 186 00:09:01,233 --> 00:09:04,503 I THINK THIS ONE'S VERY INTERESTING. 187 00:09:04,533 --> 00:09:06,073 PRETTY SERIOUS SITUATION 188 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:08,467 IF SOMEBODY SAYS, "IT MIGHT BE FATAL"-- 189 00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:10,400 MY GOD-- 190 00:09:10,433 --> 00:09:14,573 VERSUS "IT MIGHT BE FAT AL." (laughter) 191 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:18,230 "OH, IT'S FAT AL. LET'S PARTY!" 192 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:20,227 (laughter) 193 00:09:20,267 --> 00:09:22,227 "I WASN'T SURE WHO IT WAS GONNA BE. 194 00:09:22,267 --> 00:09:25,427 (laughs) "FAT AL'S COMING? 195 00:09:25,467 --> 00:09:27,427 THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF FATAL." 196 00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,497 (laughter) (chuckles) 197 00:09:30,533 --> 00:09:32,073 OKAY. 198 00:09:32,067 --> 00:09:34,867 IF SOMEBODY ASKS YOU, UH, 199 00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:37,870 "WHAT FLAVOR JELLY BEANS DO YOU WANT?" (laughter) 200 00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:41,070 (laughs) "ASSORTED" IS A FINE ANSWER. 201 00:09:41,067 --> 00:09:44,527 (laughter) 202 00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:46,527 "ASS OR TED"-- 203 00:09:46,567 --> 00:09:50,067 A CRYPTIC, DISGUSTING ANSWER. 204 00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:51,570 (laughter) 205 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,570 "WHAT FLAVOR JELLY BEANS DO YOU WANT?" 206 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,570 (inhales sharply) "I WANT ASS OR TED." 207 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,400 (laughter) (chuckles) 208 00:09:57,433 --> 00:10:00,203 WOW. 209 00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:03,333 YOU SEXY MOTHER (bleep, bleep). (laughter) 210 00:10:05,333 --> 00:10:08,333 "FRAN KNEED SHERMAN IN HIS BALLS." 211 00:10:08,367 --> 00:10:10,497 (laughter) 212 00:10:10,533 --> 00:10:12,173 WHAT A BITCH. 213 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,170 (laughter) 214 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,670 IT BECOMES MORE INTERESTING 215 00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:18,700 IF WE CHANGE IT TO "FRANK NEEDS HERMAN IN HIS BALLS." 216 00:10:18,733 --> 00:10:20,703 (laughter) 217 00:10:20,733 --> 00:10:22,703 IT'S JUST A DEEP-SEATED DESIRE. 218 00:10:22,733 --> 00:10:24,803 (laughter) (man) WHOO! 219 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:27,273 HE NEEDS HIM. 220 00:10:27,300 --> 00:10:29,270 HE CAN FEEL IT DOWN THERE. 221 00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:31,430 (laughter) (chuckles) 222 00:10:31,467 --> 00:10:34,167 EVEN STRANGER WOULD BE KIND OF A TRANSGENDER, 223 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,670 KIND OF LOVE TRIANGLE. 224 00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:38,670 (laughter) 225 00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:42,830 "FRANK NEEDS HER MAN IN HIS BALLS." 226 00:10:42,867 --> 00:10:45,627 (laughter and applause) 227 00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:47,627 AND IF THE GUY MAYBE HAD SURGERY 228 00:10:47,667 --> 00:10:49,467 OR AN ACCIDENT EARLIER IN HIS LIFE... 229 00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:53,730 (laughter) 230 00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:57,167 "FRANK NEEDS HER MAN IN HIS BALL... 231 00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:02,070 SSS." (laughter) 232 00:11:02,100 --> 00:11:04,070 (Demetri imitates gunshot) 233 00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:07,100 (tranquil music playing) 234 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,770 I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU 235 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,270 IF I HAD TO BE AT THE PARTY ON TIME, 236 00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:16,270 AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET BACK TO ME. 237 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,770 WELL, THEN, BUT THAT'S-- (scoffs) 238 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,770 BUT THAT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY THEN. 239 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,730 THAT'S--BUT WHY-- WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER? 240 00:11:22,767 --> 00:11:24,867 THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. 241 00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:26,870 IT'S COMPLETELY REASONABLE. 242 00:11:26,900 --> 00:11:29,970 WHA--WHY HAVEN'T-- WHY IS IT COMPLICATED? 243 00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:31,467 WHY IS IT ALWAYS COMPLICATED? 244 00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:34,700 THANKSGIVING WITH MY FAMILY, CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR FAMILY. 245 00:11:34,733 --> 00:11:37,203 (man) WHAT? HOW COULD I BE AVOIDING YOUR CALL? 246 00:11:37,233 --> 00:11:38,703 I WAS ON AN AIRPLANE. 247 00:11:38,733 --> 00:11:41,703 THEY DON'T ALLOW PHONES ON AIRPLANES. 248 00:11:41,733 --> 00:11:43,203 WHAT? NO. 249 00:11:43,233 --> 00:11:45,703 "IF IT'S GONNA WORK OUT?" "IF IT'S GONNA WORK OUT?" 250 00:11:45,733 --> 00:11:47,533 WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR THREE YEARS. 251 00:11:47,567 --> 00:11:49,067 WHY WOULD IT BE AN ISSUE 252 00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:51,067 OF WHETHER IT'S GONNA WORK OUT OR NOT? 253 00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:53,197 (man) WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, "IT TAKES GETTING USED TO," 254 00:11:53,233 --> 00:11:54,873 IT DOESN'T MEAN THEY DON'T LIKE IT. 255 00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:56,870 IT JUST MEANS IT TAKES GETTING USED TO. 256 00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:59,200 WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN A HAIRCUT THEN. 257 00:11:59,233 --> 00:12:00,773 I DON'T KNOW. 258 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,770 YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE ANNE FRANK. I WAS JOKING. 259 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,270 (man) YOUR MOTHER'S COMING? WELL, I DIDN'T GET ENOUGH FOOD. 260 00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:06,770 I--YOU SAID FIVE PEOPLE. 261 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,770 NOW IT'S-- NOW IT'S, WHAT, SEVEN? 262 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,770 WALTER'S COMING, ALSO? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? 263 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:14,370 (groans) I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE THE PARTY TO BEGIN WITH. 264 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,370 (man) BUT WE--WE EACH HAVE A JOB TO DO. 265 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,870 YOU WERE DOING THE LAUNDRY, I WAS DOING THE DISHES. 266 00:12:18,900 --> 00:12:20,700 AND THEN EVERYTHING GETS DONE, EVERYONE'S HAPPY. 267 00:12:20,733 --> 00:12:22,533 BUT NOW YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT, 268 00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:24,527 AND SO, OF COURSE, IT GETS MIXED UP. 269 00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:26,527 BUT THAT'S NOT MY FAULT. THAT'S YOUR FAULT. 270 00:12:26,567 --> 00:12:29,527 IF YOU WANT ME TO DO EVERYTHING, JUST ASK ME TO DO IT ALL, 271 00:12:29,567 --> 00:12:31,367 AND IT ALL-- IT'LL GET DONE. 272 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,870 THAT'S NOT FAIR. YOU'RE CHANGING IT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. 273 00:12:33,900 --> 00:12:36,430 WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? (harp plays) 274 00:12:38,433 --> 00:12:40,233 HEY. HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? 275 00:12:40,267 --> 00:12:42,767 GOOD. DID YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND? YEAH, IT WAS REALLY FUN. 276 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,730 YEAH. WELL, DID YOU DO ANYTHING FUN? 277 00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:48,227 UH, JUST WENT OUT FOR A SPACE DINNER. YUM. 278 00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:51,067 HEY, SO I JUST GOT THIS NEW WARP SPEED INSTALLED IN THE SHIP. 279 00:12:51,067 --> 00:12:52,427 I THINK WE SHOULD TRY IT OUT. REALLY? 280 00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:54,567 YEAH. HOW DO YOU-- HOW DO YOU DO IT? 281 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,870 JUST THIS BUTTON. HERE, LET'S TRY IT. 282 00:12:56,900 --> 00:12:59,170 SHOULD WE STRAP IN OR ANYTHING, OR IS IT-- YEAH, STRAP IN. 283 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,470 OKAY. OKAY, HERE WE GO. 284 00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:02,070 (whoosh) 285 00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:04,230 OH, MAN, THAT WAS AWESOME. WOW, THAT WAS SO GREAT. 286 00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:05,627 THAT WAS AWESOME. (laughter) 287 00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:07,627 UM... WHAT? 288 00:13:07,667 --> 00:13:10,797 UH... NOTHING. I MEAN, HOW DO YOU--HOW DO YOU FEEL? 289 00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,533 THAT WAS COOL. 290 00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:15,097 YOU DIDN'T DO... I FEEL PRETTY GOOD. I MEAN, MY HEAD'S-- 291 00:13:15,133 --> 00:13:16,603 I FEEL, LIKE, A LITTLE DIZZY. 292 00:13:16,633 --> 00:13:19,203 ARE YOU GUYS--DO YOU FEEL ANY KIND OF WEIRD EFFECTS? UH, YEAH. 293 00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:21,173 UM... LIKE, THE SAME THING AS YOU, PROBABLY. 294 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,230 YEAH, EXACTLY THE SAME. REALLY? 295 00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:25,697 YEAH. WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU FEEL? I FEEL LIKE... 296 00:13:25,733 --> 00:13:27,873 LIKE I SHOT OUT OF MYSELF... MM-HMM. 297 00:13:27,900 --> 00:13:30,600 FOR A SECOND OR SOMETHING, RIGHT? MM-HMM. OH, YEAH. TOTALLY. 298 00:13:30,633 --> 00:13:32,503 YEAH, MM-HMM. YEAH, MM-HMM. YEAH. DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, A--YEAH. 299 00:13:32,533 --> 00:13:35,103 SAME THING FROM US, TOO. PRETTY COOL, THOUGH. I MEAN, THAT WAS PRETTY INTENSE. 300 00:13:35,133 --> 00:13:37,803 I'M JUST THINKING MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY IT ONE MORE TIME. 301 00:13:37,833 --> 00:13:39,173 YEAH. OKAY. 302 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,830 (whoosh) 303 00:13:40,867 --> 00:13:43,097 OKAY, I THINK THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD. 304 00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:45,573 YEAH. YOU GUYS ALL RIGHT? UM... 305 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,730 WELL, UH... OH, BOY. SHOOT. 306 00:13:47,767 --> 00:13:51,067 WHAT? UM, I THINK WE SHOULD TRY IT ONE MORE TIME 307 00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:54,730 JUST BECAUSE THIS TIME, I DIDN'T "NOSE" WHERE WE WERE GOING. 308 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,927 (laughter) WHAT? 309 00:13:56,967 --> 00:13:58,867 ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME? 310 00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:01,330 WHAT? NO, NO. SORRY. IT WAS AN INSIDE JOKE. 311 00:14:01,367 --> 00:14:03,697 I GET IT. I HAVE A BIG NOSE, OKAY? VERY FUNNY. 312 00:14:03,733 --> 00:14:06,173 I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S... 313 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,430 FULLY... 314 00:14:07,467 --> 00:14:09,927 OKAY, LET'S GO BACK. ENOUGH. 315 00:14:09,967 --> 00:14:11,667 (whoosh) 316 00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:13,500 UH... MM... 317 00:14:13,533 --> 00:14:15,803 (laughing) UM... 318 00:14:15,833 --> 00:14:17,073 MM, WE SHOULD GO AGAIN. YEAH. 319 00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:19,730 IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY FACE? 320 00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:22,497 IS THAT WHAT YOU GUYS ARE TRYING TO TELL ME? THERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR FACE. 321 00:14:22,533 --> 00:14:24,133 JUST TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON. 322 00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:26,967 YOUR FACE SUCKS RIGHT NOW. (laughs) 323 00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,067 THIS IS FUNNY, HUH? WE'LL JUST GO IN WARP SPEED AGAIN. MAYBE IT'LL FIX IT. 324 00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:31,767 YEAH, JUST HIT THE BUTTON, LIKE, TWICE MAYBE. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID LAST TIME. 325 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,100 OKAY. WHAT KIND OF BUTTON IS THIS? 326 00:14:34,133 --> 00:14:36,873 IT'S THE BEST ONE THEY HAD. 327 00:14:36,900 --> 00:14:38,630 (whoosh) 328 00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:41,067 THIS IS STARTING TO PISS ME OFF. (whoosh) 329 00:14:41,067 --> 00:14:43,367 WAIT, I NEED TO TALK TO-- (whoosh) 330 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,570 WHAT THE HELL? THAT ONE'S MY FAVORITE. 331 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,230 WE'RE GOING BACKWARDS. I'M--I'M PRESSING IT. WAIT. DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T! 332 00:14:49,267 --> 00:14:52,327 WE'RE GOING BACKWARDS. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. OH, I BROKE THE BUTTON. 333 00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:56,127 (audience) OH! I'M GOING TO KILL BOTH OF YOU. 334 00:14:56,167 --> 00:14:57,727 * YEAH, YEAH 335 00:14:57,767 --> 00:15:00,927 SPACE. 336 00:15:04,967 --> 00:15:07,767 * THIS IS A SKETCH * YES, IT IS 337 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,270 * THIS IS A SKETCH * THAT'S RIGHT 338 00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,900 * THIS IS A SKETCH * SKETCH IT UP 339 00:15:12,933 --> 00:15:14,973 * IT'S A SKETCH * SKETCH 340 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,670 (man scribbling) 341 00:15:30,967 --> 00:15:32,797 PETERSON. 342 00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:35,733 MELMAN. 343 00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:38,967 (laughter) 344 00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:42,067 (indistinct conversations) 345 00:15:43,967 --> 00:15:46,927 THEY GOT WISE TO JACKSON, SO IT'S THIS WEEK OR NEVER. 346 00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:48,367 SO WHO'S GOT A PLAN? 347 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,500 (clears throat) WELL... 348 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,503 WHAT IF WE LEAVE A COIN 349 00:15:52,533 --> 00:15:54,503 IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM DOOR BEFORE LAST CHECK? 350 00:15:54,533 --> 00:15:56,803 TRIGGER THE SMOKE ALARM IN THE WOOD SHOP. 351 00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:58,803 WHEN THE FLOOR GUARDS ARE DISTRACTED, 352 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,873 WE HIDE OUT IN THE LAUNDRY 353 00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:03,600 UNTIL KOWALSKI MAKES HIS SHIFT CHANGE AT 4:30. 354 00:16:03,633 --> 00:16:07,833 THEN IT'S INTO THE SEWER, AND WE'RE HOME FREE. PETERSON, YOU'RE A GENIUS. 355 00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:10,567 THAT'S THE BEST PLAN I EVER HEARD. THAT'S MY ESCAPE PLAN. 356 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,330 HE JUST SAID MY PLAN VERBATIM. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 357 00:16:13,367 --> 00:16:15,627 JUST FOR THE RECORD, 358 00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:17,627 THAT'S MY ESCAPE PLAN. SHUT THE (bleep) UP. 359 00:16:17,667 --> 00:16:20,627 ALL RIGHT, WE NEED TO PUT THIS PETERSON PLAN DOWN ON PAPER. 360 00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:22,627 YOU'RE CALLING IT "THE PETERSON PLAN"? 361 00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:24,967 I GOT IT RIGHT HERE. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. 362 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:26,527 THIS IS--THAT'S MY-- 363 00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:29,867 OKAY, THAT'S MY EXACT PLAN. YOU SON OF A BITCH! 364 00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:32,470 EASY! ENOUGH. ENOUGH. THIEF. WE HAVE A THIEF. THERE'S A-- 365 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:34,470 HEY, OPEN YOUR MOUTH AGAIN, 366 00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:37,730 AND I'M GONNA FILL IT WITH MY NUTS. (laughter) 367 00:16:37,767 --> 00:16:39,227 WE GO TONIGHT, 368 00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:41,397 THANKS TO THE PETERSON PLAN. 369 00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:43,903 THE INK IS A DIFFERENT COLOR. 370 00:16:43,933 --> 00:16:46,433 SHUT UP. (laughter) 371 00:16:46,467 --> 00:16:48,397 (alarm wails) 372 00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:56,067 OKAY, HERE'S WHERE WE SPLIT UP. 373 00:16:56,067 --> 00:16:58,367 BLESS YOU, PETERSON. 374 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,670 (Peterson) LATER, BRO. 375 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,600 YOU'RE WELCOME, ASS (bleep)! 376 00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:12,470 HI, IS THIS THE FBI? 377 00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:15,230 I HAVE SOME INFORMATION ABOUT THE CONVICTS WHO ESCAPED. 378 00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:17,227 I HEARD THEM TALKING ABOUT THE PLAN, 379 00:17:17,267 --> 00:17:19,727 AND THEY SAID IT WAS "THE MELMAN PLAN," 380 00:17:19,767 --> 00:17:21,227 NOT "THE PETERSON PLAN." 381 00:17:21,267 --> 00:17:24,227 THEY SAID IT WAS NOT PETERSON'S PLAN. THAT'S A MISTAKE. 382 00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:27,267 EVERYONE THINKS IT'S PETERSON, BUT NOT PETERSON, MELMAN. 383 00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,270 They kept saying, "Melman's a genius," 384 00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,800 "Melman this, Melman that," all good stuff about Melman 385 00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,803 but mostly that it was his plan. 386 00:17:33,833 --> 00:17:36,703 YES, I CAN HOLD. (laughter) 387 00:17:36,733 --> 00:17:39,073 FREEZE! FREEZE! 388 00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:43,327 (film projector whirring) 389 00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:49,100 (dramatic music playing) 390 00:17:49,133 --> 00:17:50,973 (man) PETERSON, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE 391 00:17:51,067 --> 00:17:53,367 THAT CAN GET US OUT OF HERE. 392 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,170 I'VE GOT A PLAN. 393 00:17:57,233 --> 00:17:58,833 NO, THAT'S MY PLAN. 394 00:17:58,867 --> 00:18:01,067 HE STOLE MY PLAN! (laughter) 395 00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:02,870 WHY ISN'T ANYBODY LISTENING TO ME? 396 00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:05,070 IT'S MY PLAN! PUT MY NAME ON THERE. 397 00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:08,067 WRITE MY NAME. I WANT CREDIT. I WANT CREDIT! 398 00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:09,570 AAH! 399 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:13,230 (laughing) 400 00:18:13,267 --> 00:18:15,527 I WANT CREDIT. OOH! 401 00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:17,067 NO! (laughter) 402 00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:18,397 NO! SIT DOWN! 403 00:18:18,433 --> 00:18:20,303 THAT'S MY PLAN! SIT DOWN! 404 00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,203 (grunts) OH! 405 00:18:22,233 --> 00:18:23,503 JESUS! (voices overlapping) 406 00:18:23,533 --> 00:18:25,733 (grunts) THAT'S MY PLAN! 407 00:18:25,767 --> 00:18:30,097 (dramatic music plays) 408 00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:32,103 (Demetri imitates gunshot) 409 00:18:32,133 --> 00:18:34,773 ** 410 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,430 (woman) "THE STANDARD." 411 00:18:37,467 --> 00:18:40,197 "THE BRIDGE." 412 00:18:40,233 --> 00:18:42,973 "THE DETENTION." 413 00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:45,727 "THE LIMBO." 414 00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:48,497 "THE A CAPPELLA GROUP." 415 00:18:48,533 --> 00:18:51,273 "THE FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR." 416 00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:54,070 "THE BARBER." 417 00:18:54,067 --> 00:18:56,797 "THE MAILMAN." 418 00:18:56,833 --> 00:18:59,533 "THE PIERRE." 419 00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:02,367 "THE DISASTER." 420 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,830 "THE CENTIPEDE." 421 00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:12,627 ALL RIGHT, WELL, HERE WE ARE. 422 00:19:12,667 --> 00:19:14,467 IT'S 80 MILES OUT OF THE CITY, 423 00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:16,630 BUT WE'RE STILL CALLING IT A CONDO. 424 00:19:19,233 --> 00:19:21,703 NOW I HAVE TO MAKE A LITTLE DISCLOSURE. 425 00:19:21,733 --> 00:19:24,203 THERE WAS A LEAK ON THE SECOND FLOOR, 426 00:19:24,233 --> 00:19:26,203 BUT IT'S ALL BEEN TAKEN CARE OF. 427 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,873 I'M--IT'S JUST THE KIND OF THING WE'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU. 428 00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:31,870 (cheers and applause) ONE THING I LOVE TO DO IS LOOK AT THE STARS AT NIGHT. 429 00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:33,870 I LOVE CONSTELLATIONS, BUT A LOT OF THEM 430 00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:36,230 ARE JUST SHAPES THAT WE WERE TAUGHT TO SEE IN THE SKY. 431 00:19:36,267 --> 00:19:38,727 WHAT'S INTERESTING IS THAT, IN THE SAME STARS, 432 00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:42,227 YOU CAN SEE OTHER SHAPES IF YOU LOOK A LITTLE CLOSER. 433 00:19:42,267 --> 00:19:44,727 TAKE A LOOK. ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THE BIG DIPPER? 434 00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:46,967 IF YOU LOOK AT THAT WITH NEW EYES, 435 00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:48,767 YOU GET... (laughter) 436 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,500 THE BIG GIRAFFE THAT'S BEEN IN A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT. 437 00:19:51,533 --> 00:19:53,733 (laughter) 438 00:19:53,767 --> 00:19:57,797 IT'S--KIND OF THE WINDPIPE HAS BEEN DAMAGED. (laughter) 439 00:19:57,833 --> 00:20:01,173 ALL RIGHT, NOW A FAMOUS CONSTELLATION-- 440 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,330 URSA MINOR, "SMALL BEAR." 441 00:20:04,367 --> 00:20:06,927 BUT TAKE THOSE SAME STARS AND DRAW ON IT, 442 00:20:06,967 --> 00:20:08,697 AND YOU GET... (laughter) 443 00:20:08,733 --> 00:20:10,933 A GUY STEPPING IN GUM MINOR. 444 00:20:10,967 --> 00:20:12,427 (laughter) 445 00:20:12,467 --> 00:20:16,897 OKAY, OR THERE'S URSA MAJOR, WHICH IS A BIG BEAR. 446 00:20:16,933 --> 00:20:19,073 UH, BUT USING THE SAME STARS, 447 00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:20,700 YOU GET SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING-- 448 00:20:20,733 --> 00:20:22,233 BEARS SUCK. 449 00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:24,227 (laughter) 450 00:20:24,267 --> 00:20:26,967 (applause) 451 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,470 YEAH. 452 00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:30,630 STICKING IT TO THE SPACE BEARS. 453 00:20:30,667 --> 00:20:32,167 (laughter) 454 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,970 ANOTHER POPULAR CONSTELLATION BASED ON THIS GROUP OF STARS 455 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,530 IS, FOR SCORPIO, IT'S A SCORPION. 456 00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:39,627 IF YOU LOOK AT IT IN A DIFFERENT WAY, 457 00:20:39,667 --> 00:20:42,127 YOU GET CAPTAIN HOOK AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY. 458 00:20:42,167 --> 00:20:46,267 (laughter) (chuckles) 459 00:20:46,300 --> 00:20:47,930 OKAY, THESE STARS HERE, 460 00:20:47,967 --> 00:20:50,897 THESE MAKE UP GEMINI, THE TWINS. 461 00:20:50,933 --> 00:20:52,533 BUT WHAT I SEE IN IT 462 00:20:52,567 --> 00:20:55,227 IS THE PERVERT AND THE UNICORN. 463 00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:58,227 (laughter) 464 00:20:58,267 --> 00:21:01,697 (chuckles) THE NIGHT SKY IS FULL OF WONDER. (laughter) 465 00:21:01,733 --> 00:21:03,573 Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc. 466 00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:10,273 (playing guitar riff) 467 00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:13,500 ** 468 00:21:31,767 --> 00:21:34,797 (playing guitar riff) 33846

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