Original subtitles

WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS." MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN.

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS SPACE.

SPACE IS VERY IMPORTANT.

SOMETIMES THERE ISN'T ENOUGH OF IT.

CAN YOU PRESS DOWN, PLEASE?

(elevator bell dinging) THIS ELEVATOR'S NEVER GONNA COME!

THREE, TWO, ONE... (explosion)

SOMETIMES WE LEAVE EARTH SO WE CAN FIND MORE SPACE IN SPACE.

WE USE ROCKETS TO DO THAT.

(man speaking indistinctly on radio)

WHEN THERE'S A LOT OF SPACE,

IT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL REALLY TINY.

WOW.

**

(whoosh) (cheering)

THANK YOU. WELCOME. WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS."

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS SPACE.

OOH, VERY IMPORTANT. THAT'S A BIG THING.

A LOT OF WAYS TO COVER THIS TOPIC. LET'S SEE.

I COULD "SPACE OUT,"

"UH..."

(laughter)

(imitates gunshot)

(electronic tones play)

ONE TIME, I ATE WAY TOO MUCH STUFFING,

AND I WAS LIKE, "THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE,

BUT IT SEEMS COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE." (laughter)

(chuckles)

"THIS IS THE THING I SHOULD BE DOING THIS WITH." (laughter)

(laughs)

I BOUGHT AN AREA RUG

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY OTHER KIND.

(laughter)

"CAN I GET A RUG WITH, UH, NO LENGTH OR WIDTH, PLEASE?"

(laughter)

"OH, YOU DON'T HAVE THE-- ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TAKE AN AREA RUG JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE." (laughter)

THAT'S BULL (bleep).

(laughter) (chuckles)

BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANT TO, LIKE, SAVE A SEAT

NEXT TO YOU ON A BUS OR SOMETHING,

JUST SMELL YOUR HAND WHEN PEOPLE ARE GETTING ON.

(laughter)

(applause)

"YOU WANT TO SIT HERE? YEAH... (sniffs) COME ON."

(laughter) YOU KNOW? (chuckles)

I WANT TO PUT A GIANT BOW ON MY CAR.

I WAS THINKING OF JUST PUTTING A GIANT BOW

ON THE TOP OF MY CAR,

BECAUSE THEN I COULD PARK ANYWHERE.

IF YOU CAN'T FIND A SPOT, JUST, LIKE, GO IN SOMEONE'S DRIVEWAY

AND JUST LEAVE THE CAR THERE. (laughter)

THEY'RE NOT GONNA GET IT TOWED.

THEY'RE GONNA COME HOME AND BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!" (laughter)

LATER, JUST COME BACK, AND BE LIKE, "OH, SORRY. IT'S JUST..."

(laughter)

(Demetri chuckles)

I WAS WATCHING MTV ONCE, AND I SAW ON THIS MUSIC VIDEO

THERE WERE THESE GIRLS DANCING IN CAGES

ON THE SIDE OF THE STAGE. (laughter)

AND I THOUGHT,

WHAT AN INTERESTING PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT.

WHAT IS THIS GIRL THINKING?

SHE'S LIKE, "I'M TRAPPED..."

(laughter)

(inhales sharply)

"BUT I REALLY LIKE THIS SONG."

(laughter)

"YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

"WE'LL WORRY ABOUT FREEDOM LATER.

"LET'S JUST--LET'S JUST WORK THIS OUT FOR A BIT FIRST.

"HMM. LET'S GET THOSE PRIORITIES IN ORDER.

"I MEAN, THEY CAUGHT ME IN MY UNDERWEAR.

I MIGHT AS WELL JUST ENJOY IT." (laughter)

(plays chord)

* HERE COMES THE NEXT THING

* WATCH AND YOU'LL SEE

* THE NEXT THING THAT'S COMING *

* WAS MADE FOR TV

* HERE COMES THE NEXT THING

* WATCH AND YOU'LL SEE

AND THE LIGHT GREW BRIGHTER AND BRIGHTER,

AND I FLOATED HIGHER AND HIGHER.

AND I FELT LIKE I WAS TOTALLY AT PEACE.

I HAD THAT SAME EXPERIENCE. (woman gasps)

REALLY? IT'S AMAZING. (all sighing)

THANK YOU, SARAH.

THAT WAS A VERY BEAUTIFUL NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE.

WHO'S NEXT? TOM?

WELL, I WAS, UM,

I WAS BEING DRAWN THROUGH THIS LONG TUNNEL

WITH A BEAUTIFUL LIGHT AT THE END.

IT WAS VERY PEACEFUL.

(monitor emits continuous tone)

(playing guitar riff)

(laughter) (woman) THE DOORS OPENED IN FRONT OF ME,

AND THERE STOOD MY GRANDPARENTS. (gasps)

(sighs)

I SAW MY GRANDPARENTS, TOO. THEY CAME UP TO ME,

AND THEY--THEY HUGGED ME, AND I HUGGED THEM BACK. (laughter)

(playing guitar riff)

(laughter)

(man) UH, A WARM ENERGY RUSHED OVER ME.

A WARM, LOVING ENERGY? YEAH.

IT WAS JUST WARM, AND IT FELT GOOD.

YEAH.

I WAS FINE.

(playing guitar riff)

**

(man) IT WAS AMAZING. (laughter)

YEAH, AND LIGHT.

OH, JAMES, WE'VE LEFT YOU OUT.

I WAS JUST STRETCHING.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SHARE?

OOH, BOY, LET'S SEE.

UM... YOU KNOW, I DIED, LIKE EVERYBODY HERE,

FOR A COUPLE MINUTES.

AND, UH, I WAS IN A TUNNEL.

I WAS IN A PASSAGEWAY, LIKE YOU SAID,

AND I SAW MY GRANDPARENTS. THEY WERE RIGHT THERE. MM-HMM.

AND THERE WAS, UH, ALL THIS LIGHT.

THERE WAS A LIGHT. I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY HAD SAID THAT.

MM-HMM. MAYBE, YEAH, YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS HAD THAT, TOO.

MM-HMM. YEAH. YEAH, THERE WAS A LIGHT AT THE END,

AND IT WAS JUST PULLING ME TOWARDS THE LIGHT.

I WAS JUST KIND OF GOING AT IT. UM... WHAT ELSE? (sighs) YOU SAW THE CLOWN, DIDN'T YOU?

AND THE-- (laughter)

WHAT?

YOU SAW THE CLOWN.

I SAW THE CLOWN.

OH, MY GOD, I SAW IT, TOO. WITH THE ELECTRIC GUITAR?

IT WAS REALLY DIRTY, YOU SAID?

I SAW A CLOWN. (voices overlapping)

I DON'T KNOW. HE JUST KEPT DOING THAT RIFF.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU. I AM SO TERRIFIED OF DEATH.

(playing guitar riff)

I-I DIDN'T LIKE THAT MUSIC.

(playing guitar riff)

THAT WAS REALLY FRIGHTENING.

(playing guitar riff)

HE WAS PRETTY GOOD AT GUITAR.

IT WAS JUST HIS TASTE-- IT WAS JUST BAD TASTE. YEAH.

(playing guitar riff)

(whoosh)

**

(whoosh)

**

(electronic tones play)

**

(cheering)

YOU KNOW, IN OUR LANGUAGE, SPACE IS REALLY IMPORTANT.

THE SPACES IN WORDS CAN REALLY CHANGE THE MEANING.

LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.

UM, LET'S TAKE, FOR EXAMPLE,

"SCAR FACE."

THAT'S A TOUGH NICKNAME. YOU SEE "SCAR FACE."

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. THIS GUY'S CUT IN THE FACE.

DIDN'T GET PROPER MEDICAL ATTENTION. WOW. WATCH OUT."

BUT "SCARF ACE"...

(laughter)

THAT'S, LIKE, NOT TOUGH AT ALL.

IT'S LIKE, "WHAT, HE'S GOOD WITH SCARVES? I DON'T KNOW.

SEND HIM IN, AND I'LL KICK HIS ASS. THINK I CARE?" (laughter)

OR IF SOMEBODY SAYS TO YOU, "HOW DOES YOUR TV WORK?"

YOU SAY, "OH, RABBIT EARS."

VERY DIFFERENT ANSWER IF I SAY...

(laughter)

"RABBI TEARS."

(applause)

(laughs) "YOUR TV WORKS ON RABBI TEARS?"

"YEAH, IT'S ANTI-SEMITIC. I DON'T KNOW."

(laughter) "IT'S JUST--IT GETS GREAT RECEPTION, THOUGH, SO..."

(laughter)

"NOT GONNA ARGUE WITH IT. IT'S JUST..."

OR IF YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH SOMEBODY,

AND THEY SAY, "HEY, MAN, LET'S DO THIS THING."

(laughs) IT SOUNDS FINE.

BUT LET'S "DOT HIS THING." (laughter)

"NO, I DON'T THINK SO, MAN. I DON'T THINK I WANT TO--

I DON'T THINK I WANT TO DOT HIS THING."

IT'S... (laughter)

"IT'S PAINSTAKING AND DISGUSTING. (laughter)

"LET'S LEAVE HIS THING ALONE AND PUT DOWN THE MARKERS.

LET'S GO HOME." (laughter)

(laughs) OKAY.

I THINK THIS ONE'S VERY INTERESTING.

PRETTY SERIOUS SITUATION

IF SOMEBODY SAYS, "IT MIGHT BE FATAL"--

MY GOD--

VERSUS "IT MIGHT BE FAT AL." (laughter)

"OH, IT'S FAT AL. LET'S PARTY!"

(laughter)

"I WASN'T SURE WHO IT WAS GONNA BE.

(laughs) "FAT AL'S COMING?

THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF FATAL."

(laughter) (chuckles)

OKAY.

IF SOMEBODY ASKS YOU, UH,

"WHAT FLAVOR JELLY BEANS DO YOU WANT?" (laughter)

(laughs) "ASSORTED" IS A FINE ANSWER.

(laughter)

"ASS OR TED"--

A CRYPTIC, DISGUSTING ANSWER.

(laughter)

"WHAT FLAVOR JELLY BEANS DO YOU WANT?"

(inhales sharply) "I WANT ASS OR TED."

(laughter) (chuckles)

WOW.

YOU SEXY MOTHER (bleep, bleep). (laughter)

"FRAN KNEED SHERMAN IN HIS BALLS."

(laughter)

WHAT A BITCH.

(laughter)

IT BECOMES MORE INTERESTING

IF WE CHANGE IT TO "FRANK NEEDS HERMAN IN HIS BALLS."

(laughter)

IT'S JUST A DEEP-SEATED DESIRE.

(laughter) (man) WHOO!

HE NEEDS HIM.

HE CAN FEEL IT DOWN THERE.

(laughter) (chuckles)

EVEN STRANGER WOULD BE KIND OF A TRANSGENDER,

KIND OF LOVE TRIANGLE.

(laughter)

"FRANK NEEDS HER MAN IN HIS BALLS."

(laughter and applause)

AND IF THE GUY MAYBE HAD SURGERY

OR AN ACCIDENT EARLIER IN HIS LIFE...

(laughter)

"FRANK NEEDS HER MAN IN HIS BALL...

SSS." (laughter)

(Demetri imitates gunshot)

(tranquil music playing)

I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU

IF I HAD TO BE AT THE PARTY ON TIME,

AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET BACK TO ME.

WELL, THEN, BUT THAT'S-- (scoffs)

BUT THAT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY THEN.

THAT'S--BUT WHY-- WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER?

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

IT'S COMPLETELY REASONABLE.

WHA--WHY HAVEN'T-- WHY IS IT COMPLICATED?

WHY IS IT ALWAYS COMPLICATED?

THANKSGIVING WITH MY FAMILY, CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR FAMILY.

(man) WHAT? HOW COULD I BE AVOIDING YOUR CALL?

I WAS ON AN AIRPLANE.

THEY DON'T ALLOW PHONES ON AIRPLANES.

WHAT? NO.

"IF IT'S GONNA WORK OUT?" "IF IT'S GONNA WORK OUT?"

WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR THREE YEARS.

WHY WOULD IT BE AN ISSUE

OF WHETHER IT'S GONNA WORK OUT OR NOT?

(man) WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, "IT TAKES GETTING USED TO,"

IT DOESN'T MEAN THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

IT JUST MEANS IT TAKES GETTING USED TO.

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN A HAIRCUT THEN.

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE ANNE FRANK. I WAS JOKING.

(man) YOUR MOTHER'S COMING? WELL, I DIDN'T GET ENOUGH FOOD.

I--YOU SAID FIVE PEOPLE.

NOW IT'S-- NOW IT'S, WHAT, SEVEN?

WALTER'S COMING, ALSO? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

(groans) I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE THE PARTY TO BEGIN WITH.

(man) BUT WE--WE EACH HAVE A JOB TO DO.

YOU WERE DOING THE LAUNDRY, I WAS DOING THE DISHES.

AND THEN EVERYTHING GETS DONE, EVERYONE'S HAPPY.

BUT NOW YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT,

AND SO, OF COURSE, IT GETS MIXED UP.

BUT THAT'S NOT MY FAULT. THAT'S YOUR FAULT.

IF YOU WANT ME TO DO EVERYTHING, JUST ASK ME TO DO IT ALL,

AND IT ALL-- IT'LL GET DONE.

THAT'S NOT FAIR. YOU'RE CHANGING IT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? (harp plays)

HEY. HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD. DID YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND? YEAH, IT WAS REALLY FUN.

YEAH. WELL, DID YOU DO ANYTHING FUN?

UH, JUST WENT OUT FOR A SPACE DINNER. YUM.

HEY, SO I JUST GOT THIS NEW WARP SPEED INSTALLED IN THE SHIP.

I THINK WE SHOULD TRY IT OUT. REALLY?

YEAH. HOW DO YOU-- HOW DO YOU DO IT?

JUST THIS BUTTON. HERE, LET'S TRY IT.

SHOULD WE STRAP IN OR ANYTHING, OR IS IT-- YEAH, STRAP IN.

OKAY. OKAY, HERE WE GO.

(whoosh)

OH, MAN, THAT WAS AWESOME. WOW, THAT WAS SO GREAT.

THAT WAS AWESOME. (laughter)

UM... WHAT?

UH... NOTHING. I MEAN, HOW DO YOU--HOW DO YOU FEEL?

THAT WAS COOL.

YOU DIDN'T DO... I FEEL PRETTY GOOD. I MEAN, MY HEAD'S--

I FEEL, LIKE, A LITTLE DIZZY.

ARE YOU GUYS--DO YOU FEEL ANY KIND OF WEIRD EFFECTS? UH, YEAH.

UM... LIKE, THE SAME THING AS YOU, PROBABLY.

YEAH, EXACTLY THE SAME. REALLY?

YEAH. WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU FEEL? I FEEL LIKE...

LIKE I SHOT OUT OF MYSELF... MM-HMM.

FOR A SECOND OR SOMETHING, RIGHT? MM-HMM. OH, YEAH. TOTALLY.

YEAH, MM-HMM. YEAH, MM-HMM. YEAH. DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, A--YEAH.

SAME THING FROM US, TOO. PRETTY COOL, THOUGH. I MEAN, THAT WAS PRETTY INTENSE.

I'M JUST THINKING MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY IT ONE MORE TIME.

YEAH. OKAY.

(whoosh)

OKAY, I THINK THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH. YOU GUYS ALL RIGHT? UM...

WELL, UH... OH, BOY. SHOOT.

WHAT? UM, I THINK WE SHOULD TRY IT ONE MORE TIME

JUST BECAUSE THIS TIME, I DIDN'T "NOSE" WHERE WE WERE GOING.

(laughter) WHAT?

ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?

WHAT? NO, NO. SORRY. IT WAS AN INSIDE JOKE.

I GET IT. I HAVE A BIG NOSE, OKAY? VERY FUNNY.

I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S...

FULLY...

OKAY, LET'S GO BACK. ENOUGH.

(whoosh)

UH... MM...

(laughing) UM...

MM, WE SHOULD GO AGAIN. YEAH.

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY FACE?

IS THAT WHAT YOU GUYS ARE TRYING TO TELL ME? THERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR FACE.

JUST TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON.

YOUR FACE SUCKS RIGHT NOW. (laughs)

THIS IS FUNNY, HUH? WE'LL JUST GO IN WARP SPEED AGAIN. MAYBE IT'LL FIX IT.

YEAH, JUST HIT THE BUTTON, LIKE, TWICE MAYBE. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID LAST TIME.

OKAY. WHAT KIND OF BUTTON IS THIS?

IT'S THE BEST ONE THEY HAD.

(whoosh)

THIS IS STARTING TO PISS ME OFF. (whoosh)

WAIT, I NEED TO TALK TO-- (whoosh)

WHAT THE HELL? THAT ONE'S MY FAVORITE.

WE'RE GOING BACKWARDS. I'M--I'M PRESSING IT. WAIT. DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T!

WE'RE GOING BACKWARDS. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. OH, I BROKE THE BUTTON.

(audience) OH! I'M GOING TO KILL BOTH OF YOU.

* YEAH, YEAH

SPACE.

* THIS IS A SKETCH * YES, IT IS

* THIS IS A SKETCH * THAT'S RIGHT

* THIS IS A SKETCH * SKETCH IT UP

* IT'S A SKETCH * SKETCH

(man scribbling)

PETERSON.

MELMAN.

(laughter)

(indistinct conversations)

THEY GOT WISE TO JACKSON, SO IT'S THIS WEEK OR NEVER.

SO WHO'S GOT A PLAN?

(clears throat) WELL...

WHAT IF WE LEAVE A COIN

IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM DOOR BEFORE LAST CHECK?

TRIGGER THE SMOKE ALARM IN THE WOOD SHOP.

WHEN THE FLOOR GUARDS ARE DISTRACTED,

WE HIDE OUT IN THE LAUNDRY

UNTIL KOWALSKI MAKES HIS SHIFT CHANGE AT 4:30.

THEN IT'S INTO THE SEWER, AND WE'RE HOME FREE. PETERSON, YOU'RE A GENIUS.

THAT'S THE BEST PLAN I EVER HEARD. THAT'S MY ESCAPE PLAN.

HE JUST SAID MY PLAN VERBATIM. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JUST FOR THE RECORD,

THAT'S MY ESCAPE PLAN. SHUT THE (bleep) UP.

ALL RIGHT, WE NEED TO PUT THIS PETERSON PLAN DOWN ON PAPER.

YOU'RE CALLING IT "THE PETERSON PLAN"?

I GOT IT RIGHT HERE. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

THIS IS--THAT'S MY--

OKAY, THAT'S MY EXACT PLAN. YOU SON OF A BITCH!

EASY! ENOUGH. ENOUGH. THIEF. WE HAVE A THIEF. THERE'S A--

HEY, OPEN YOUR MOUTH AGAIN,

AND I'M GONNA FILL IT WITH MY NUTS. (laughter)

WE GO TONIGHT,

THANKS TO THE PETERSON PLAN.

THE INK IS A DIFFERENT COLOR.

SHUT UP. (laughter)

(alarm wails)

OKAY, HERE'S WHERE WE SPLIT UP.

BLESS YOU, PETERSON.

(Peterson) LATER, BRO.

YOU'RE WELCOME, ASS (bleep)!

HI, IS THIS THE FBI?

I HAVE SOME INFORMATION ABOUT THE CONVICTS WHO ESCAPED.

I HEARD THEM TALKING ABOUT THE PLAN,

AND THEY SAID IT WAS "THE MELMAN PLAN,"

NOT "THE PETERSON PLAN."

THEY SAID IT WAS NOT PETERSON'S PLAN. THAT'S A MISTAKE.

EVERYONE THINKS IT'S PETERSON, BUT NOT PETERSON, MELMAN.

They kept saying, "Melman's a genius,"

"Melman this, Melman that," all good stuff about Melman

but mostly that it was his plan.

YES, I CAN HOLD. (laughter)

FREEZE! FREEZE!

(film projector whirring)

(dramatic music playing)

(man) PETERSON, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE

THAT CAN GET US OUT OF HERE.

I'VE GOT A PLAN.

NO, THAT'S MY PLAN.

HE STOLE MY PLAN! (laughter)

WHY ISN'T ANYBODY LISTENING TO ME?

IT'S MY PLAN! PUT MY NAME ON THERE.

WRITE MY NAME. I WANT CREDIT. I WANT CREDIT!

AAH!

(laughing)

I WANT CREDIT. OOH!

NO! (laughter)

NO! SIT DOWN!

THAT'S MY PLAN! SIT DOWN!

(grunts) OH!

JESUS! (voices overlapping)

(grunts) THAT'S MY PLAN!

(dramatic music plays)

(Demetri imitates gunshot)

**

(woman) "THE STANDARD."

"THE BRIDGE."

"THE DETENTION."

"THE LIMBO."

"THE A CAPPELLA GROUP."

"THE FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR."

"THE BARBER."

"THE MAILMAN."

"THE PIERRE."

"THE DISASTER."

"THE CENTIPEDE."

ALL RIGHT, WELL, HERE WE ARE.

IT'S 80 MILES OUT OF THE CITY,

BUT WE'RE STILL CALLING IT A CONDO.

NOW I HAVE TO MAKE A LITTLE DISCLOSURE.

THERE WAS A LEAK ON THE SECOND FLOOR,

BUT IT'S ALL BEEN TAKEN CARE OF.

I'M--IT'S JUST THE KIND OF THING WE'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU.

(cheers and applause) ONE THING I LOVE TO DO IS LOOK AT THE STARS AT NIGHT.

I LOVE CONSTELLATIONS, BUT A LOT OF THEM

ARE JUST SHAPES THAT WE WERE TAUGHT TO SEE IN THE SKY.

WHAT'S INTERESTING IS THAT, IN THE SAME STARS,

YOU CAN SEE OTHER SHAPES IF YOU LOOK A LITTLE CLOSER.

TAKE A LOOK. ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THE BIG DIPPER?

IF YOU LOOK AT THAT WITH NEW EYES,

YOU GET... (laughter)

THE BIG GIRAFFE THAT'S BEEN IN A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT.

(laughter)

IT'S--KIND OF THE WINDPIPE HAS BEEN DAMAGED. (laughter)

ALL RIGHT, NOW A FAMOUS CONSTELLATION--

URSA MINOR, "SMALL BEAR."

BUT TAKE THOSE SAME STARS AND DRAW ON IT,

AND YOU GET... (laughter)

A GUY STEPPING IN GUM MINOR.

(laughter)

OKAY, OR THERE'S URSA MAJOR, WHICH IS A BIG BEAR.

UH, BUT USING THE SAME STARS,

YOU GET SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING--

BEARS SUCK.

(laughter)

(applause)

YEAH.

STICKING IT TO THE SPACE BEARS.

(laughter)

ANOTHER POPULAR CONSTELLATION BASED ON THIS GROUP OF STARS

IS, FOR SCORPIO, IT'S A SCORPION.

IF YOU LOOK AT IT IN A DIFFERENT WAY,

YOU GET CAPTAIN HOOK AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY.

(laughter) (chuckles)

OKAY, THESE STARS HERE,

THESE MAKE UP GEMINI, THE TWINS.

BUT WHAT I SEE IN IT

IS THE PERVERT AND THE UNICORN.

(laughter)

(chuckles) THE NIGHT SKY IS FULL OF WONDER. (laughter)

Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.

(playing guitar riff)

**

(playing guitar riff)