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1
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:11,100
**
2
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:22,600
**
3
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,770
(cheering)
THANK YOU.
4
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,400
THANK YOU. WELCOME.
THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.
5
00:00:41,433 --> 00:00:43,903
WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS."
MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN.
6
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TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS...
7
00:00:47,933 --> 00:00:49,903
THIS IS A GOOD ONE.
8
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WE DID THE "2" EPISODE ALREADY,
AND THIS IS THE SEQUEL,
9
00:00:52,833 --> 00:00:54,303
SECOND PART.
10
00:00:54,333 --> 00:00:56,603
OH, HEY, PETE. I GOT
A FRIEND HERE. HOW YOU DOING?
11
00:00:56,633 --> 00:01:00,073
WHAT'S UP, MAN?
HEY. ALL RIGHT, A LOT OF WAYS
TO COME AT THIS.
12
00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:02,070
LET'S SEE.
13
00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:05,270
WE COULD "SHOW REPEAT"...
14
00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:07,530
(laughter)
"RE-SHOW PETE"...
15
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:11,197
(laughter)
OR DO "JOKES."
16
00:01:11,233 --> 00:01:14,633
HMM. I WANT TO "RE-SHOW PETE."
(imitates gunshot)
17
00:01:14,667 --> 00:01:17,667
(electronic tones play)
(laughter)
18
00:01:21,367 --> 00:01:23,327
IT WORKED REALLY WELL.
19
00:01:23,367 --> 00:01:25,367
(laughter)
20
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,370
LET'S DO "JOKES."
(imitates gunshot)
21
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:30,070
(electronic tones play)
THERE ARE 2 KINDS OF JACKETS--
REVERSIBLE
22
00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:32,067
AND REVERSIBLE BUT IT LOOKS
REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE
23
00:01:32,067 --> 00:01:34,797
AND IT'S HARD TO ZIPPER UP.
(laughter)
24
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I LIKE TO SAY THE TERM
"DOUBLE ENTENDRE"
25
00:01:38,767 --> 00:01:42,227
IN A WAY THAT GIVES IT
A DOUBLE ENTENDRE.
26
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INTERESTED IN MAYBE
A LITTLE DOUBLE ENTENDRE?
27
00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:48,497
(laughter)
28
00:01:48,533 --> 00:01:50,473
I WANT TO GO
TO A FORTUNE-TELLER
29
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DRESSED AS A FORTUNE-TELLER.
(laughter)
30
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I SIT DOWN, AND I'M LIKE,
31
00:01:57,933 --> 00:02:00,973
"YOU'RE GOING TO BECOME
SLIGHTLY ANNOYED VERY SOON."
32
00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:03,567
(laughter)
33
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,270
REST STOPS ARE GREAT
34
00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:07,770
BECAUSE THEY'RE A PLACE
YOU CAN GET DIARRHEA
35
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:10,930
AND DROP IT OFF ALL IN ONE.
(laughter)
36
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:15,103
VERY SYMMETRICAL
THAT WAY, SEE?
37
00:02:15,133 --> 00:02:17,903
PERFECT PAIR, YEAH.
38
00:02:17,933 --> 00:02:20,903
THAT WAS BAD. NEVER DO THAT
AND SAY "PERFECT PAIR."
(laughter)
39
00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:22,903
(laughs)
40
00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:25,903
LOOKS LIKE I HAD A THING GOING
WITH A GIANT.
41
00:02:25,933 --> 00:02:28,933
(laughter)
42
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DOCTOR TO THE GIANTS.
(laughter)
43
00:02:33,933 --> 00:02:37,233
"YOU DON'T HAVE A HERNIA.
YOU'VE GOT A PERFECT PAIR."
(laughter)
44
00:02:39,100 --> 00:02:40,730
IF YOU'RE PLAYING THE BONGOS,
45
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:42,567
YOU'RE BASICALLY SAYING
TWO THINGS--
46
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:44,470
"HERE'S MY SENSE OF RHYTHM"
47
00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:48,170
AND, "(bleep) YOUR DAY
IN THE PARK."
(laughter)
48
00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:53,727
I MEAN YOU, WHITE GUY
WITH DREADLOCKS.
(laughter)
49
00:02:53,767 --> 00:02:56,797
**
50
00:02:56,833 --> 00:02:59,833
(people screaming)
51
00:02:59,867 --> 00:03:02,897
(roars)
(grunting)
52
00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:04,503
(groans)
53
00:03:04,533 --> 00:03:07,973
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE FINALLY
MET YOUR MATCH, SUPERMAN.
54
00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:10,597
(laughs evilly)
55
00:03:10,633 --> 00:03:13,073
HEY, GUYS.
56
00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:14,167
WHAT?
WHAT THE--
57
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,530
DUPERMAN.
HERE WE GO.
58
00:03:16,567 --> 00:03:18,897
(monster growls)
59
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:21,073
(splat)
(roaring)
60
00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:23,697
(tentacles squish)
(gasps)
61
00:03:25,833 --> 00:03:28,933
(glass shatters, monster growls)
62
00:03:32,667 --> 00:03:34,827
(grunts)
63
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:38,870
(roars, thud)
64
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:41,700
**
65
00:03:45,633 --> 00:03:48,473
(splash)
66
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:50,470
THANKS, DUPERMAN.
67
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THAT WAS SUPER-DUPER.
68
00:03:52,233 --> 00:03:54,803
MY PLEASURE, SUPERMAN.
GLAD TO HELP.
69
00:03:54,833 --> 00:03:57,333
**
70
00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:59,297
AAH! HELP!
71
00:03:59,333 --> 00:04:03,073
(laughing evilly)
72
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:05,070
QUICK! SOMEBODY, HELP!
(man screaming)
73
00:04:05,100 --> 00:04:07,900
DUPERMAN, DO SOMETHING.
USE YOUR SUPERPOWERS.
74
00:04:07,933 --> 00:04:11,273
IS SUPERMAN HERE?
UH, NO,
I-I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.
75
00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:14,570
OH. YEAH, WELL, I KIND OF NEED
HIM TO GET THINGS GOING.
76
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,770
I DON'T HAVE SUPERPOWERS.
I HAVE DUPERPOWERS.
77
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,770
(machine gunfire)
SUPERMAN STARTS IT OFF.
THEN I MAKE IT DUPER FROM THERE.
78
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,770
(siren wailing)
I'M THE SECOND PART.
79
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,170
(machine gunfire)
YOU KNOW,
LIKE SUPER-DUPER.
80
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:27,170
IT'S NOT DUPER-SUPER
OR JUST DUPER,
81
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,170
ALTHOUGH SUPER-SUPER
WOULD BE RIDICULOUS...
82
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,430
(man screams)
BUT SUPER-DUPER TOGETHER,
BAM! NOW WE'RE TALKING.
83
00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:34,867
(laser gun zaps,
machine gunfire)
OH... RIGHT.
84
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,870
SO WHEN SUPERMAN'S HERE,
85
00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:38,870
MY DUPERPOWERS MAKE HIM
EVEN MORE EFFECTIVE,
86
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:40,800
BUT WITHOUT SUPERMAN'S,
YOU KNOW...
87
00:04:40,833 --> 00:04:42,803
(explosion)
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
88
00:04:42,833 --> 00:04:44,803
(man) AAH!
YEAH, I GET IT.
89
00:04:44,833 --> 00:04:47,203
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,
DUPERMAN.
90
00:04:47,233 --> 00:04:50,133
SOMEBODY'S SUPER-LATE.
91
00:04:50,167 --> 00:04:51,727
(woman screams)
92
00:04:51,767 --> 00:04:53,727
**
93
00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:55,597
HEY.
HI. I'M HERE
FOR THE INTERVIEW.
94
00:04:55,633 --> 00:04:57,603
YEAH, HE'S ACTUALLY RUNNING
A LITTLE LATE,
95
00:04:57,633 --> 00:04:59,573
UM, BUT YOU CAN JUST WAIT
IN HIS OFFICE.
96
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,630
IT'S THE SECOND DOOR
ON THE RIGHT.
OKAY, THANKS.
97
00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:03,527
MM-HMM.
98
00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:10,330
YEP, THAT'S ALL I NEED.
(elevator bell dings)
99
00:05:10,367 --> 00:05:13,327
PERFECT. SO WE'LL BE READY
IN 15?
100
00:05:13,367 --> 00:05:15,327
(whispering) HI. ARE YOU HERE
FOR THE INTERVIEW?
YEAH.
101
00:05:15,367 --> 00:05:17,197
OH, JUST, UH, SECOND DOOR
ON THE RIGHT.
102
00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:19,203
HE'LL BE RIGHT THERE, OKAY?
OH, OKAY.
THANKS VERY MUCH.
103
00:05:19,233 --> 00:05:21,873
(normal voice) NO. NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO. NO, THAT'S... (scoffs)
104
00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:23,900
I CAN'T--NO, I'M NOT--
105
00:05:26,433 --> 00:05:28,333
HI.
106
00:05:28,367 --> 00:05:31,227
OH, HEY.
HI, I'M DAN.
HEY, I'M--I'M JOSH.
107
00:05:31,267 --> 00:05:33,297
NICE TO MEET YOU.
WOW, IT--IT'S GREAT
TO MEET YOU.
108
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:36,733
YEAH. I'M SORRY I'M LATE. I WAS,
UM, I HAD TROUBLE PARKING...
OH, NO. NO PROBLEM.
109
00:05:36,767 --> 00:05:40,067
IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT.
OH, YEAH, I WAS HARDLY WAITING
AT ALL. IT'S FINE.
110
00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:42,097
UM...
111
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:46,100
WELL, LET'S...
(sighs)
112
00:05:48,700 --> 00:05:50,800
OKAY.
OH, SIT?
113
00:05:50,833 --> 00:05:52,803
YEAH.
114
00:05:52,833 --> 00:05:55,403
(sighs)
115
00:05:55,433 --> 00:05:58,433
(laughter)
116
00:06:01,067 --> 00:06:04,767
UM, THIS IS
A REALLY NICE OFFICE.
117
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,470
(laughter)
118
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:09,470
YEAH. YEAH, IT'S REALLY--
119
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:11,970
I LIKE, THE, UM,
I LIKE THE WHOLE LAYOUT.
120
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:14,397
LIKE WHEN YOU COME DOWN,
IT REALLY OPENS UP.
121
00:06:14,433 --> 00:06:16,973
YEAH, I CAN G--
I GET THAT VIBE.
122
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:19,527
YEAH.
123
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:21,597
(laughter)
124
00:06:21,633 --> 00:06:23,903
UM, SHOULD WE--
125
00:06:23,933 --> 00:06:27,133
DO YOU WANT TO START WITH, UH,
LIKE, MY BACKGROUND,
126
00:06:27,167 --> 00:06:29,067
MY EDUCATION, OR...
127
00:06:29,067 --> 00:06:32,467
YEAH, YEAH, DEFINITELY.
OKAY, WELL,
I WENT TO THE UNIV--
128
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,970
UM, WELL, I CAN TELL YOU
WHAT--WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING
129
00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:36,727
FOR THE--I CAN TELL YOU.
YEAH.
130
00:06:36,767 --> 00:06:39,697
OKAY.
OKAY. (sighs) UM,
131
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,273
AFTER I GRADUATED
BROWN UNIVERSITY,
132
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:44,070
I IMMEDIATELY STARTED WORKING
WITH PROJECT AMERICA,
133
00:06:44,067 --> 00:06:46,067
WHICH IS
A RELIEF ORGANIZATION.
OH, COOL.
134
00:06:46,067 --> 00:06:48,197
AND I'VE BEEN DOING THAT
BASICALLY FULL-TIME
135
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:50,373
FOR, UH, UH,
THE LAST FOUR YEARS.
136
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,370
I DID, LIKE, SOME VOLUNTEER WORK
IN COLLEGE,
137
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,370
BUT I NEVER, YOU KNOW, I'VE
NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
138
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,100
OH, WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
139
00:06:57,133 --> 00:06:59,103
AS--AS YOU S--YOU CAN SEE,
I-I'VE WORKED
140
00:06:59,133 --> 00:07:02,473
AT A COUPLE DIFFERENT FIRMS,
AND--AND, YOU KNOW,
141
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,100
VERY DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES,
142
00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:06,773
AND I-I COULD GET ALONG
WITH EVERYONE.
143
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:10,070
(laughter)
YEAH, I THINK
THAT'S DEFINITELY THE WAY
144
00:07:10,067 --> 00:07:12,067
THAT I WOULD WORK,
145
00:07:12,067 --> 00:07:14,067
YOU KNOW?
146
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:17,767
I MEAN, THAT--IT'D BE GREAT
TO WORK WITH YOU.
147
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,670
I FEEL--I MEAN,
YEAH, THAT'S--
148
00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:24,370
I-I MEAN, I WOULD--
149
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,830
I'D LOVE TO WORK
WITH YOU.
OH, THANK YOU.
150
00:07:26,867 --> 00:07:28,667
(laughs) THANK YOU.
(laughs)
151
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:30,500
I--WOW, OKAY.
WOW.
152
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:33,073
UM, GREAT,
AND THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YEAH, THANK YOU.
153
00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:34,527
UM...
154
00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:36,597
YEAH, I'M VERY HAPPY.
WELL, THANKS SO MUCH,
MR. WHEELER.
155
00:07:36,633 --> 00:07:38,373
I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
OKAY.
156
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,370
HI, GUYS, SORRY I'M LATE.
157
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,070
UH, LET'S SEE...
158
00:07:42,067 --> 00:07:44,927
WHO'S GONNA BE FIRST?
IS IT, UH, DAN JENKINS?
159
00:07:44,967 --> 00:07:48,327
UM...
OKAY, WELL,
WE'LL START WITH YOU,
160
00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:50,327
AND, UH,
ARE YOU JOSH?
YES.
161
00:07:50,367 --> 00:07:52,067
IF YOU DON'T MIND
JUST WAITING OUTSIDE,
162
00:07:52,067 --> 00:07:55,727
WE'LL FINISH UP DAN'S INTERVIEW
AND YOU CAN BE SECOND.
THANKS.
163
00:07:58,633 --> 00:08:00,933
(laughter)
164
00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:05,767
(eagle screeches)
AAH!
165
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,070
AAH!
OW! OUCH!
166
00:08:08,067 --> 00:08:10,067
HELP! SOMEBODY, HELP!
167
00:08:10,067 --> 00:08:12,527
HEY, DUPERMAN, I KNOW
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY POWERS,
168
00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:14,527
BUT CAN'T YOU
JUST HELP ANYWAY?
169
00:08:14,567 --> 00:08:17,067
YEAH, SUPERMAN
ISN'T HERE, SO...
170
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:18,727
(people screaming)
YEAH, I KNOW
HE ISN'T HERE,
171
00:08:18,767 --> 00:08:21,727
BUT MAYBE YOU COULD HELP THE WAY
A NORMAL PERSON MIGHT HELP,
172
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:24,497
LIKE TEND TO THE WOUNDED
OR GET PEOPLE INTO THE BUILDING
173
00:08:24,533 --> 00:08:26,973
SO THEY'RE PROTECTED?
(chewing) YOU KNOW, I COULD,
BUT I REALLY SHOULDN'T.
174
00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:28,967
I MEAN, I'M IN THE COSTUME
AND EVERYTHING,
175
00:08:29,067 --> 00:08:31,497
SO... (slurps)
UNBELIEVABLE.
176
00:08:31,533 --> 00:08:33,103
WHAT AN ASS (bleep).
177
00:08:33,133 --> 00:08:35,103
(elephant trumpets)
ATTITUDE.
178
00:08:35,133 --> 00:08:37,603
(man screaming)
(lion roars)
179
00:08:37,633 --> 00:08:40,103
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THE SHAPE
OF A THING CAN TELL YOU A STORY.
180
00:08:40,133 --> 00:08:42,803
FOR INSTANCE, THE SHAPE OF
THE NUMBER 2 HAS A LOT TO SAY
181
00:08:42,833 --> 00:08:46,133
ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE 2.
LET'S JUST LOOK AT A 2.
182
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:48,497
YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU SEE...
183
00:08:48,533 --> 00:08:50,503
YOU.
184
00:08:50,533 --> 00:08:52,773
(laughter)
185
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:57,967
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE OUT,
LIKE, IN A BAR.
186
00:08:58,067 --> 00:09:01,427
YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT,
AND SOMETHING CATCHES YOUR EYE.
187
00:09:01,467 --> 00:09:03,867
(laughter)
188
00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:07,070
YOU LOOK OVER,
AND YOU SEE...
189
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:11,070
(laughter)
190
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:13,470
(applause)
191
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,470
A WOMAN.
192
00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:17,470
YOU SEE THIS GIRL,
AND YOU'RE STRUCK.
193
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:19,100
SO YOU START TO TALK TO HER,
194
00:09:19,133 --> 00:09:21,103
KIND OF HIT IT OFF,
195
00:09:21,133 --> 00:09:23,103
AND YOU ASK HER OUT.
196
00:09:23,133 --> 00:09:26,233
YOU KNOW, YOU SAY, "DO YOU WANT
TO GET SOME BEER AND PIZZA?"
197
00:09:26,267 --> 00:09:30,167
(laughter)
198
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,170
SHE SAYS, "YES."
199
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,170
YOU GO OUT,
AND YOU HIT THINGS OFF.
200
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,170
THINGS ARE GOING WELL.
201
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,970
IN FACT, THEY GO SO WELL...
202
00:09:40,067 --> 00:09:41,967
(laughter)
203
00:09:42,067 --> 00:09:44,227
YOU END UP HOOKING UP.
(laughter)
204
00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:48,070
TIME FLIES.
205
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:51,570
SUDDENLY, YOU'RE TOGETHER
FOR 2 YEARS.
206
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,930
(laughter)
207
00:09:55,933 --> 00:09:58,073
NOW YOU'RE LIVING TOGETHER.
208
00:09:58,100 --> 00:10:00,170
YOU DECIDE, "HEY,
LET'S TAKE A VACATION."
209
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,330
THINGS ARE GETTING
PRETTY SERIOUS.
210
00:10:02,367 --> 00:10:04,497
SO YOU GO AWAY
TO A TROPICAL ISLAND.
211
00:10:04,533 --> 00:10:06,603
BUT LOOK,
212
00:10:06,633 --> 00:10:08,603
SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE PROBLEMS,
213
00:10:08,633 --> 00:10:11,103
AND YOU GOTTA SPICE UP
THE RELATIONSHIP, RIGHT?
214
00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:13,103
SO YOU FIGURE
THE VACATION WILL HELP.
215
00:10:13,133 --> 00:10:15,103
THEN LIFE THROWS YOU
A CURVEBALL.
216
00:10:15,133 --> 00:10:17,633
THERE'S A SHARK
WHEN YOU GO SCUBA DIVING.
(laughter)
217
00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:20,427
THE WATER'S PRETTY ROUGH.
218
00:10:20,467 --> 00:10:22,827
(laughter)
219
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:27,570
YOU'RE SCARED.
SHE'S FREAKING OUT.
220
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,570
YOU CAN'T EVEN GET TO HER.
221
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:31,230
SHE STARTS CRYING
222
00:10:31,267 --> 00:10:34,967
AND SCREAMING FOR HELP.
223
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,970
(laughter)
224
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,930
BUT YOU'RE TOO FAR AWAY.
YOU'RE NOT RIGHT THERE.
225
00:10:39,967 --> 00:10:44,497
INSTEAD, SOME LOCAL DUDE...
226
00:10:44,533 --> 00:10:46,503
IS RIGHT THERE TO HELP HER,
227
00:10:46,533 --> 00:10:49,503
SOME GUY WITH, LIKE,
KIND OF A HAIRY CHEST
228
00:10:49,533 --> 00:10:52,103
AND A BIG CHIN.
(laughter)
229
00:10:52,133 --> 00:10:55,773
(laughter)
230
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:57,770
HE SWOOPS IN.
231
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:01,070
NOW HE'S, LIKE, INSERTED HIMSELF
INTO THE VACATION.
232
00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:03,067
YOU'RE TRYING TO PATCH THINGS UP
WITH HER,
233
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:06,067
BECAUSE LET'S BE HONEST,
THE ROMANCE IS STARTING TO LAG.
234
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:07,497
YOU CAN'T FIND HER.
235
00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:09,833
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR HER
EVERYWHERE NEAR THE RESTAURANT.
236
00:11:09,867 --> 00:11:12,667
SHE'S DOWN ON THE BEACH...
237
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:16,530
KISSING THIS GUY.
(laughter)
238
00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:19,927
SHE SLIPS HIM THE TONGUE.
239
00:11:19,967 --> 00:11:22,927
YOU'RE HEARTBROKEN.
240
00:11:22,967 --> 00:11:24,967
(audience) AW.
241
00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:29,100
(laughter)
242
00:11:29,133 --> 00:11:31,103
SO YOU'RE LIKE,
"SCREW THIS."
243
00:11:31,133 --> 00:11:33,103
YOU BREAK UP WITH HER.
244
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:35,103
WHEN YOU GET BACK HOME,
245
00:11:35,133 --> 00:11:38,073
YOU DO SOMETHING DRASTIC.
246
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:41,570
YOU GET A NEW HAIRCUT...
(laughter)
247
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,770
CHANGE YOUR STYLE,
YOU START WEARING WEIRD COLLARS.
248
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,770
I DON'T KNOW.
(laughter)
249
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,430
YOU GET REALLY DISILLUSIONED
250
00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:51,067
BECAUSE...
251
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:54,067
YOU THOUGHT
YOU WERE IN LOVE.
(woman) OH.
252
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:56,827
BUT YOU REALIZED THAT...
253
00:11:56,867 --> 00:11:59,267
YOU'RE JUST ALONE.
(laughter)
254
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:02,070
(applause)
255
00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:06,467
BUT AFTER A WHILE,
YOU TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS,
256
00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:07,970
YOU GET BACK TO LIFE,
257
00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:09,967
AND YOU REALIZE, "HEY,
SO THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT."
258
00:12:10,067 --> 00:12:11,697
BUT IT'S OKAY.
259
00:12:11,733 --> 00:12:14,703
THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER FISH
IN THE SEA, RIGHT?
260
00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,703
(laughter)
261
00:12:16,733 --> 00:12:20,073
(laughter)
262
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:23,070
AND THAT'S THE END.
263
00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:26,100
(cheers and applause)
264
00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:31,870
IT'S ALSO A FIN.
265
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:33,870
**
266
00:12:33,900 --> 00:12:37,170
SO, YOU KNOW, I'M LIKE
THE CHERRY ON TOP OF A SUNDAE.
(man screaming)
267
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,170
IS THE SUNDAE GOOD? SURE.
268
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,200
WITH THE CHERRIES, EVEN BETTER?
YOU BET.
(woman screams)
269
00:12:41,233 --> 00:12:43,773
YOU GOT A GREAT SMILE,
BY THE WAY.
(giggles)
270
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,400
(man screaming)
271
00:12:45,433 --> 00:12:48,403
(sirens wailing)
OH, EXCUSE ME FOR A SEC.
I GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
272
00:12:48,433 --> 00:12:49,933
DON'T GO AWAY.
273
00:12:49,967 --> 00:12:51,927
OH.
WHOA.
274
00:12:51,967 --> 00:12:53,927
(moaning)
I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT
YOU WERE SUPERMAN.
275
00:12:53,967 --> 00:12:55,427
(moans)
THAT'S FUNNY.
276
00:12:55,467 --> 00:12:57,697
THE FLAMES LOOK
LIKE A CAPE.
(groans)
277
00:12:57,733 --> 00:13:01,073
ANYWAY, SPEAKING OF CHERRIES,
WHICH OFTEN END UP IN DRINKS...
278
00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:03,070
(woman screams)
WHY DON'T WE GET
A DRINK?
279
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:05,430
(giggles)
TELL YOU
A LITTLE BIT MORE...
280
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,927
(man screams)
ABOUT HOW I, UH,
HELPED THE BIG GUY?
281
00:13:07,967 --> 00:13:11,667
**
282
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:14,700
**
283
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:22,867
(cheering)
284
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:24,870
MY GUESTS TONIGHT
ARE, UH, 2 ATHLETES
285
00:13:24,900 --> 00:13:27,070
WHO ARE TIED FOR THE MOST
286
00:13:27,100 --> 00:13:29,670
SECOND PLACE FINISHES...
287
00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:32,070
EVER.
(laughter)
288
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:33,727
AND TOMORROW, YOU'RE GONNA
BE IN A RACE.
289
00:13:33,767 --> 00:13:35,327
THAT'S CORRECT.
YEAH.
290
00:13:35,367 --> 00:13:37,327
AND THEN ONE OF YOU
AFTER TOMORROW
291
00:13:37,367 --> 00:13:39,867
WILL GET THE WORLD RECORD FOR
THE MOST SECOND PLACE FINISHES?
292
00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:41,200
EXACTLY.
YES.
293
00:13:41,233 --> 00:13:42,733
SO WHAT'S YOUR STRATEGY?
294
00:13:42,767 --> 00:13:47,867
WELL, MY STRATEGY IS
I'M GONNA START OUT REALLY FAST,
295
00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:50,070
AND WHEN I GET CLOSE
TO THE FINISH LINE,
296
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,330
I'M GONNA PULL BACK
JUST A LITTLE BIT
297
00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:53,827
AND LET HIM PASS ME.
298
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:56,167
(laughter)
299
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,530
AND MY STRATEGY
IS THE SAME AS HIM,
300
00:13:58,567 --> 00:14:02,667
EXCEPT SLIGHTLY SLOWER.
(laughter)
301
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:07,330
SO THEN THE WINNER WILL BE
THE GUY WHO COMES IN SECOND?
302
00:14:07,367 --> 00:14:08,667
YEP.
TECHNICALLY, YEAH.
303
00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:10,800
YEAH.
AND THEN, THEREFORE,
IS THE WINNER
304
00:14:10,833 --> 00:14:14,103
OF THE WORLD RECORD.
EXACTLY, YEP. YEAH.
305
00:14:14,133 --> 00:14:16,703
THE MOST
SECOND PLACE FINISHES.
RIGHT, BUT THEN DOESN'T--
306
00:14:16,733 --> 00:14:18,633
DOESN'T HE THEN
GET FIRST PLACE
307
00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:20,467
IN WORLD RECORD COMPETITION?
308
00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:22,470
SO THEN THE--THE GUY
WHO'S SECOND NOW
309
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,670
IS GONNA BE IN SECOND PLACE
IN THAT COMPETITION.
310
00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:27,700
(laughter)
311
00:14:34,933 --> 00:14:37,333
HEY, A 5-FINGER DISCOUNT
312
00:14:37,367 --> 00:14:39,797
IS WHEN SOMEONE'S SHOPLIFTING.
313
00:14:39,833 --> 00:14:43,373
A 2-FINGER DISCOUNT
IS WHEN SOMEONE IS SHOPLIFTING,
314
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,800
BUT THEY WERE IN
A PRETTY BAD ACCIDENT
315
00:14:45,833 --> 00:14:48,373
AT SOME POINT BEFORE THAT.
316
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,200
THINK ABOUT IT.
317
00:14:50,233 --> 00:14:52,203
ALL RIGHT.
318
00:14:52,233 --> 00:14:54,903
(imitates gunshot)
319
00:14:54,933 --> 00:14:56,903
WE'RE ALL FAMILIAR
WITH THE BATTLE
320
00:14:56,933 --> 00:14:58,403
BETWEEN NORTH AND SOUTH,
321
00:14:58,433 --> 00:15:01,473
BUT FOLKS DON'T OFTEN TALK ABOUT
THE OTHER CIVIL WAR
322
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,470
BETWEEN EAST AND WEST,
323
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:05,530
WHICH HAPPENED AT THE SAME TIME.
324
00:15:05,567 --> 00:15:08,827
**
325
00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:11,827
SURE, THE NORTH/SOUTH CIVIL WAR
GETS A LOT OF ACCLAIM
326
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:14,127
BECAUSE, YEAH, WELL, EVERYBODY
TALKS ABOUT IT,
327
00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:17,327
AND NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE
TALK ABOUT THE EAST/WEST WAR.
328
00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:20,727
A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK
ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS A GREAT MAN.
329
00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:22,727
I THINK HE WAS ALL RIGHT.
(laughter)
330
00:15:22,767 --> 00:15:25,427
DO I THINK HE WAS AMAZING?
NOT REALLY.
331
00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:27,767
DO I THINK VANCE NAEGHER
IS A GREAT MAN?
332
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,270
YES.
333
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:31,570
DOES ANYONE EVER TALK
ABOUT VANCE NAEGHER? NO.
334
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,570
(man) TENSIONS
BETWEEN EAST AND WEST
335
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,800
REACHED A BOILING POINT
IN THE LATE 1850s.
336
00:15:36,833 --> 00:15:39,803
THE WEST HAD EXPANDED
AS FAR AS THEY COULD GO,
337
00:15:39,833 --> 00:15:42,203
SO THEY STARTED TO EXPAND
BACK INTO THE EAST
338
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:43,903
AND SET UP THEIR CAPITAL
339
00:15:43,933 --> 00:15:46,133
IN WHAT THEY CALLED
"WEST VIRGINIA."
340
00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:48,567
AND WITH THAT,
THE NATION WAS AT WAR,
341
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,570
A SECOND WAR--
342
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,570
BROTHER AGAINST BROTHER,
343
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,730
AND BROTHER AGAINST BROTHER
GOING IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.
344
00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:57,527
THE NATION WAS TORN APART,
345
00:15:57,567 --> 00:16:00,597
AND THEN THE PIECES
THAT WERE TORN WERE TORN AGAIN.
346
00:16:00,633 --> 00:16:03,733
THE MORNINGS WERE PARTICULARLY
BRUTAL FOR THE WEST,
347
00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:06,867
UH, ESPECIALLY HAVING TO FIGHT
348
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,870
FACING EAST IN THE MORNING
349
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:10,870
BECAUSE OF THE SUN.
350
00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:13,370
THE SUN WOULD SHINE
INTO THE EYES OF THE FIGHTERS
351
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,870
FROM THE WEST,
AND THE EAST WOULD COME IN
352
00:16:15,900 --> 00:16:18,500
AND LITERALLY WIPE THEM OUT
BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T SEE.
353
00:16:18,533 --> 00:16:20,873
CONVERSELY, AT 5:00 P.M.,
354
00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:23,870
FIGHTERS WHO SURVIVED
THE MORNING BATTLE
355
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,870
WOULD HAVE THE ADVANTAGE.
356
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:28,370
BUT THERE WOULD ONLY BE THREE
OR FOUR OF THEM LEFT USUALLY.
357
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,870
AS MOST AVAILABLE WEAPONS
WERE ALREADY ENGAGED
358
00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:34,070
IN THE NORTH/SOUTH CIVIL WAR,
THE EAST AND WEST ARMIES
359
00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:36,497
WERE OFTEN FORCED TO IMPROVISE.
360
00:16:36,533 --> 00:16:38,073
(man) "DEAR MARGARET,
361
00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:40,067
"AS WE FOUGHT NIGHT AND DAY
AGAINST THE YANKEES,
362
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:42,067
"THERE WERE THESE IDIOTS
OFF TO THE SIDE
363
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,067
"HITTING EACH OTHER
WITH STICKS AND ROCKS.
364
00:16:44,067 --> 00:16:47,397
COLONEL JOHN PHILLIPS,
MAY 16, 1862."
365
00:16:47,433 --> 00:16:49,403
THE SITUATION
FURTHER DETERIORATED
366
00:16:49,433 --> 00:16:52,203
WHEN, IN 1863,
THE SOUTH/SOUTHEAST
367
00:16:52,233 --> 00:16:54,673
SECEDED FROM
THE NORTH/NORTHWEST.
(laughter)
368
00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:56,670
IN VIRTUALLY EVERY DIRECTION,
369
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:58,670
THE NATION WAS AT WAR--
370
00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:01,070
NORTH/SOUTH, EAST/WEST,
371
00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:02,797
SOUTH/SOUTHEAST,
372
00:17:02,833 --> 00:17:05,773
SOUTHEAST/SOUTHWEST,
NORTH/NORTHEAST/NORTHWEST.
373
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,770
IT WAS CRAZY.
374
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,770
AND THIS WAS
THE STANDARD ISSUE RIFLE...
375
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,870
(laughter)
FOR SOLDIERS FIGHTING
IN THE NORTH/SOUTH/
376
00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:16,400
SOUTH/SOUTHWEST WAR.
377
00:17:16,433 --> 00:17:18,073
SO THAT IF I'M SHOOTING
THIS MAN,
378
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:19,670
I CAN ALSO SHOOT
SOMEONE OVER THERE.
379
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:21,170
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN SOMETIMES
380
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,170
IS THAT YOU'D BE AIMING
AT THIS GUY,
381
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,870
AND THEN YOU'D SHOOT A DUCK
OR A FRIEND OFF TO THE SIDE.
382
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:28,570
SO, I MEAN, THE BATTLES
WERE VERY, VERY COMPLICATED.
383
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,070
IN VIRTUALLY EVERY DIRECTION,
THE NATION WAS AT WAR,
384
00:17:31,100 --> 00:17:34,200
EVEN UP VERSUS DOWN.
("Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"
playing)
385
00:17:34,233 --> 00:17:36,373
(man) ALL THE COMPASSES
WERE SPOKEN FOR.
386
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,570
OFTEN, SOLDIERS
WOULD SPIN IN CIRCLES
387
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,070
UNTIL THEY GOT DIZZY
AND JUST SHOOT,
388
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:43,630
HOPING THAT THEY WERE SHOOTING
AT SOMEONE WHO WAS AN ENEMY.
389
00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:45,397
(Paul) THEY STARTED
CARRYING SIGNS
390
00:17:45,433 --> 00:17:47,403
TO MAKE THINGS LESS CONFUSING.
391
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:48,833
BUT PEOPLE DIED.
392
00:17:48,867 --> 00:17:52,067
THEY DIED CONFUSED.
393
00:17:52,067 --> 00:17:55,397
UH, THERE'S A STORY
ABOUT A GENERAL
394
00:17:55,433 --> 00:17:58,073
WHO JUMPED INTO THE OCEAN.
395
00:17:58,067 --> 00:18:00,097
LATER, IT TURNS OUT
HE WAS JUST SWIMMING,
396
00:18:00,133 --> 00:18:01,873
BUT I THINK IT SHOWS THAT
397
00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:03,870
THAT'S THE KIND OF BEHAVIOR
THAT, UH,
398
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:07,370
A COUNTRY BEING TORN APART
IN EVERY DIRECTION CONCEIVABLE,
399
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,370
THOSE ARE THE EFFECTS.
400
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,530
NONE OF THIS IS DOCUMENTED.
401
00:18:15,533 --> 00:18:17,503
2 IS A PAIR--
402
00:18:17,533 --> 00:18:21,073
PARTNERSHIP AND SO
MANY OTHER THINGS.
403
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:23,067
(cheering)
404
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:28,067
**
405
00:18:35,533 --> 00:18:37,233
(laughter)
406
00:18:37,267 --> 00:18:40,267
**
407
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:48,333
(laughter)
408
00:18:50,533 --> 00:18:52,833
(laughter)
409
00:18:52,867 --> 00:18:56,427
**
410
00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:58,597
(applause)
411
00:18:58,633 --> 00:19:00,873
(cheering)
412
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:02,870
(laughter)
413
00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:05,900
**
414
00:19:13,233 --> 00:19:15,173
(laughter)
415
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:18,700
(laughter)
416
00:19:18,733 --> 00:19:21,703
(applause)
417
00:19:21,733 --> 00:19:24,733
**
418
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:30,727
(laughter)
419
00:19:30,767 --> 00:19:33,067
**
420
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:36,370
(laughter)
421
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,400
(laughter)
422
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:44,600
**
423
00:19:48,833 --> 00:19:51,803
(laughter)
424
00:19:51,833 --> 00:19:54,273
(applause)
425
00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:58,500
**
426
00:19:58,533 --> 00:20:01,533
(laughter)
427
00:20:03,967 --> 00:20:06,927
(laughter)
428
00:20:06,967 --> 00:20:09,967
(applause)
429
00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:17,503
(laughter)
430
00:20:17,533 --> 00:20:21,673
**
431
00:20:26,567 --> 00:20:29,567
(laughter)
432
00:20:31,567 --> 00:20:33,827
(laughter)
433
00:20:33,867 --> 00:20:37,697
(applause)
434
00:20:37,733 --> 00:20:40,733
**
435
00:20:59,867 --> 00:21:02,897
(laughter)
436
00:21:02,933 --> 00:21:05,933
(applause)
437
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:14,373
Captioned by
Closed Captioning Services, Inc.
438
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,170
YOU KNOW, YOU ASKED US
TO COME HERE, AND, UH,
439
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,270
KIND OF RUINED THIS
FOR US.
440
00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:21,730
WE'VE BEEN TRAINING
FOR A WHILE.
441
00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:23,727
WELL, YOU'D BETTER
NOT DROP OUT,
442
00:21:23,767 --> 00:21:25,627
BECAUSE IF YOU DROP OUT,
443
00:21:25,667 --> 00:21:27,627
THAT'S GONNA
MAKE ME FIRST,
444
00:21:27,667 --> 00:21:29,797
SO THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.
(laughter)
445
00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:32,673
I DROP OUT?
(laughter)
446
00:21:32,700 --> 00:21:34,670
NO.
447
00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:36,670
NO, NO, THAT'S--
THAT'S NOT GONNA--
448
00:21:36,700 --> 00:21:39,430
(athlete) THAT'S NOT GONNA
HAPPEN LIKE THAT, NO.
(athlete) THANK YOU. YES.
449
00:21:39,467 --> 00:21:42,967
(cheers and applause)
YES.
31671
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