Original subtitles

- WELCOME TO IMPORTANT THINGS. MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN.

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS STRATEGY.

STRATEGY IS VERY IMPORTANT. WE USE IT ALL THE TIME.

LIKE WHEN WE PLAY GAMES,

WE USE A STRATEGY TO TRY TO WIN.

YES! WAIT, DAMN.

WE ALSO USE STRATEGY WHEN WE WANT TO EXECUTE A PLAN.

STRATEGY IS PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANT

WHEN WE'RE DOING BATTLE

AND WE WANT TO BE VICTORIOUS.

EN GARDE! OH.

- GO.

[upbeat rock music]

*

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, AUDIENCE. THANK YOU.

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS STRATEGY.

OKAY, STRATEGY. THIS IS A BIG TOPIC.

LOT TO COVER.

WE HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS FOR HOW TO COVER THIS.

LET'S SEE.

I CAN GO HOME, GO TOPLESS, OR DO JOKES.

- GO TOPLESS! - TOPLESS!

[cheers and hoots]

- THIS IS A TOUGH ONE. JOKES.

A LAVA LAMP IS A REALLY GOOD STRATEGY

FOR WHEN YOU'RE A GUY AND IT'S DARK

AND YOU WANT TO LET WOMEN KNOW

THAT THEY SHOULD NOT SLEEP WITH YOU.

[laughter]

I WANT TO DESIGN "YOU'RE WELCOME" CARDS.

I THINK THAT'D BE A GOOD PRODUCT.

IT'S FOR WHEN YOU BUY SOMEBODY A GIFT...

AND THEN THEY DON'T SEND YOU A THANK YOU CARD.

THAT'S WHEN YOU SEND THE "YOU'RE WELCOME" CARD.

[laughter]

"YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE TOASTER...

[laughter]

"ASS[bleep]. ENJOY THE TOASTER.

YOU'RE WELCOME. NO. REALLY."

ONE THING YOU CAN SAY IN A SITUATION--

LIKE, IF YOU'RE IN A BAD SITUATION

AND YOU GET CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING,

IF YOU JUST SAY "SURPRISE"...

[laughter]

IT'S OKAY.

IF YOU'RE, LIKE, ROBBING SOMEBODY'S HOUSE

AND THEY COME IN, "SURPRISE!

[laughter]

"ONE-MAN SURPRISE PARTY.

"I GOT YOU, UH, SOME OF YOUR STUFF.

"HERE YOU GO. OKAY. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

"ENJOY. ENJOY YOUR STUFF. GOOD NIGHT. BYE.

[exhales] CLOSE CALL. HERE WE GO."

[laughter]

I LIKE TO PAINT.

I-I PAINT MOSTLY, UM,

PAINTINGS OF MUSEUM SECURITY GUARDS.

PORTRAITS.

SOME DAY I'M GONNA HAVE A SHOW.

AND IT'LL BE IN A GALLERY. AND THEY'LL COME TO WORK.

AND THEY'LL BE, LIKE,

"THAT'S WHAT I'M [bleep] TALKING ABOUT!

[laughter]

I'M GONNA PROTECT THE [bleep] OUT OF THESE PAINTINGS."

[laughter]

* WHAT DO YOU SEE, DO YOU SEE? *

* DO YOU SEE I SEE? *

* WHAT DO YOU SEE, DO YOU SEE? *

* DO YOU SEE, I SEE, DO YOU SEE? *

[dramatic music]

*

- I CAN'T BELIEVE WE ACTUALLY FOUND ONE.

- WE FOUND AN ALIEN. A LIVE ALIEN.

IS IT OKAY, DOCTOR? - YEAH.

IT'S JUST A BIT STUNNED FROM THE CRASH,

BUT IT'S PERFECTLY HEALTHY.

- ARE THE SHACKLES OKAY?

YOU'RE NOT HURTING IT OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

- NO, NO, NO. HE'S PERFECTLY FRIENDLY.

HE POSES ABSOLUTELY NO THREAT TO US.

- IT'S KIND OF CUTE. - HUH. YEAH.

SMALL, LITTLE GUY.

[whispers] TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC.

YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS, RIGHT?

WE'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.

- WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I'M NOT TAKING CARE OF IT.

- ME--ME AND YOU,

WE'RE GONNA BE MORE FAMOUS THAN THE ASTRONAUTS.

- YOU'RE RIGHT. WE DISCOVERED AN ALIEN.

- THIS IS THE DISCOVERY OF THE CENTURY.

AH! AAH! AAH!

AAH!

- [gasps]

[hammer clatters on floor] - JESUS. WHAT'D YOU JUST DO?

- IT TOUCHED ME! IT WAS SLIMY!

IT WAS ON MY HAND! I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

- YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL IT.

- I DIDN'T SWING TO KILL! I WAS JUST SWINGING!

- YOU MURDERED HIM. - I DIDN'T MURDER ANYTHING.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY RELAX, ALL RIGHT?

WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. OH, MY GOD.

- YOU MURDERED HIM.

- HEY, LET'S ALL AGREE THAT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, RIGHT?

- YES. YES. - I HAVE TO REPORT THIS.

I HAVE TO. - NO. NO, NO, NO.

- NO. NOBODY'S REPORTING ANYTHING, ALL RIGHT?

- I'M REPORTING IT. I HAVE TO.

- NO, YOU'RE NOT REPORTING IT. LET ME HANDLE IT.

- I'M GONNA REPORT IT.

THE SECOND I'M OUT OF HERE,

I'M TELLING EVERYONE THAT YOU MURDERED IT.

AND YOU PROBABLY HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT TOO.

I'M GONNA TELL. I'M GONNA TELL. I'M GONNA--

- ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHAT SAY,

THE ALIEN SHOT THE DOCTOR AND THEN YOU SHOT THE ALIEN.

- WAIT, WITH YOUR GUN? - I GAVE IT TO YOU.

- WHAT ABOUT THE HAMMER?

- AND THEN YOU BEAT IT WITH THE HAMMER.

- OKAY. - OH, MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED?

IS HE DEAD?

- THE ALIEN SHOT THE DOCTOR SO I SHOT THE ALIEN.

UH, HE GAVE ME HIS GUN TO DO IT.

- YEAH. - THE ALIEN'S STILL SHACKLED.

I DON'T GET THIS. I GOTTA GET HELP.

- NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

- UH, WE CAN'T SAY THEY DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES.

- NO. - ALL RIGHT.

UH, WE SAY THAT YOU DRAPED A SHEET OVER THE ALIEN, RIGHT?

THEN FRANK CAME IN AND THOUGHT IT WAS A CHAIR.

SO HE SAT ON IT AND THEN THE ALIEN DIED.

AND THEN HE FELL OVER BACKWARDS AND HIT HIS HEAD.

AND HE DIED.

AND HIS GUN WENT OFF AND SHOT THE DOCTOR.

THEN THE ALIEN GOT UP AND SHOT FRANK IN THE CHEST.

- GREAT. OKAY. - GOOD.

WE GOT IT. - WE GOT IT. OKAY.

[person approaches]

HO HO. - YEAH.

- [exhales] NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

- WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S NOT OUR ONLY PROBLEM.

- [bleep]. - YEAH, I KNOW.

- YOU'RE NOT GONNA KILL ME, ARE YOU?

- NO.

- THAT'LL WORK.

- NEXT. - HEY.

I THINK IT WOULD BE COOL TO WEAR BOWLING SHOES

TO A BOWLING ALLEY.

AND THEN WHEN YOU GET THERE,

YOU GIVE THEM BOWLING SHOES TO GET A DIFFERENT PAIR

OF BOWLING SHOES.

THINK ABOUT IT. ALL RIGHT.

- WHY IS STRATEGY IMPORTANT?

- STRATIT--STRAGIC--

OH, NOW I CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT.

- STRATEGY. YEAH. STRA-TE-GY.

- STRA-TE-GY? - YEAH?

TRAGEDY. OH, NO. - OKAY.

- STRATEGY.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT

BECAUSE YOU CAN PLAN WITH THAT.

AND THEN, LIKE, FOR INSTANCE, IT'S A WAR TIME.

YOU HAVE TO DO "STRATERY."

[cheers and applause]

- THERE ARE A LOT OF STRATEGIES THAT DEPENDING

ON WHEN YOU USE THEM CAN BE GOOD, BAD, OR INTERESTING.

I'LL SHOW YOU NOW IN A SEGMENT

CALLED GOOD, BAD, INTERESTING.

SCREAMING.

GOOD, WARNING ABOUT DANGER.

BAD, BEING HANDED YOUR ADOPTED BABY.

[laughter]

INTERESTING...

EVERY TIME YOU WAKE UP.

THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING.

COUNTING BACKWARDS FROM TEN.

GOOD, LAUNCHING A ROCKET.

BAD, WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAS JUST ASKED YOU

IF YOU LOVE HER.

[laughter]

INTERESTING, WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO FART.

[laughter]

YELLING "HELP."

GOOD, WHEN YOU'RE STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR.

BAD, WHEN YOU'RE FLUNKING A TEST.

[laughter]

HELP!

INTERESTING, WHEN IN AN ELEVATOR

AND IT'S NOT STUCK.

[laughter and applause]

STOP, DROP, AND ROLL.

GOOD, IF YOU'RE ON FIRE.

BAD, IF YOU'RE BEING FIRED.

[laughter]

INTERESTING, IF YOU'RE A WAITER.

[laughter]

"WHERE'S OUR FOOD?"

"UH, IT'S ALL OVER HERE."

THE SILENT TREATMENT.

GOOD, TO WIN AN ARGUMENT.

BAD, FOR A HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION.

[laughter]

INTERESTING, FOR FIGHTING HEMORRHOIDS.

[laughter]

* LOOK, LOOK, LOOK

* LOOK, LOOK, LOOK

- WELCOME BACK TO PROPERTY COURT.

THE JUDGE WILL NOW HEAR THE NEXT CASE.

THE PLAINTIFF, MILTON,

CLAIMS THE DEFENDANT, HIS NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR,

BUILT A FENCE FIVE FEET ONTO HIS PROPERTY.

HE IS SUING FOR THE COST OF MOVING THE FENCE

AND FOR THE REPAIRS TO HIS GRASS AND LANDSCAPING

FOR A TOTAL OF $684.

- THE DEFENDANT, JOE, IS COUNTERSUING THE PLAINTIFF.

HE CLAIMS THE PLAINTIFF ATTACKED HIM

WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER,

SHOT HIM MULTIPLE TIMES WITH A RIFLE,

STABBED HIM IN THE EYE, BROKE HIS NECK,

RAPED HIM, AND ATTEMPTED TO BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE

AFTER BREAKING INTO IT AND ROBBING HIM OF $875,

WHICH WAS HIS RENT MONEY.

HIS CLAIMS OF ATTEMPTED MURDER,

AGGRAVATED ASSAULT, BATTERY,

ATTEMPTED ARSON, AND BREAKING AND ENTERING,

PLUS THE $875 IN STOLEN RENT MONEY

TOTAL $22,000,875 IN DAMAGES.

HE ALSO CLAIMS HE'S WILLING TO DROP THE CHARGES

IF THE PLAINTIFF IS WILLING TO DROP HIS CHARGES.

- WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED?

- SURE, YOUR HONOR.

UH, JOE HERE BUILT A-A FENCE.

AND WHEN HE WAS DONE, IT WAS 5 FEET

INSIDE MY PROPERTY LINE.

- WHAT IS YOUR RESPONSE TO THE DEFENDANT'S CLAIMS?

- I COULDN'T HAVE DONE ANY OF THAT.

I'VE GOT A WEAK HEART AND SERIOUS ARTHRITIS.

- JOE.

- YES, YOUR HONOR.

- DID YOU BUILD THE FENCE ON HIS PROPERTY?

- NO.

NO. I DID NOT.

- ONE OF YOU IS NOT TELLING ME THE TRUTH.

WOULD YOU PLEASE BOTH APPROACH THE BENCH.

- [bleep].

OW. OW. OH, OW, OW.

- WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE PROPERTY COURT.

- * THIS IS THE SKETCH - YES, IT IS.

- * THIS IS THE SKETCH - THAT'S RIGHT.

- * THIS IS THE SKETCH - SKETCH IT UP.

- * IT'S THE SKETCH - SKETCH.

- [playing blues piano]

* HERE'S A STRATEGY

* I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU ABOUT *

* SOMETHING YOU COULD USE

* YEAH

* IF SOMEONE THROWS A PIE AT YOUR FACE *

* JUST OPEN YOUR MOUTH REALLY WIDE AND SAY *

* "THANKS FOR FEEDING ME, ASS[bleep]" *

* PIE IN THE FACE SICK RECEPTION STRATEGY *

[cheers and applause]

- * YAH YAH - NOW IS COMMERCIAL.

[people chattering]

[guitar music]

*

- * I REALLY WANT A SECOND SLICE OF PIZZA *

* BUT NOT EVERYONE'S HAD THEIR FIRST YET *

* WHAT DO I DO?

* I COULD ASK EVERYONE IN THE GROUP FOR PERMISSION *

* BUT THAT WON'T DO

* THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE

* IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE SLICE *

* FOR EACH PERSON IN THIS GROUP, DAMN *

* I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A PRICK *

* I'LL JUST CREATE A DISTRACTION *

* WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?

* HERE COMES MY SECOND SLICE

[people chattering]

- DIRTBAG JUST TOOK ANOTHER SLICE.

- * IT'S THE NEXT THING

* NEXT THING TO SEE

- NOW BACK TO SHERLOCK HOLMES: VICTORIAN BACHELOR.

[laughter and chatter]

- WHOA! OHO HO! - OHO HO, MR. HOLMES!

- PLEASE EXCUSE US, GENTLEMEN,

WE HAVE TO GO POWDER OUR NOSES.

- OH. SOUNDS FUN. POWDER AWAY. POWDER AWAY.

- HURRY BACK. - GET THOSE NOSES POWDERED.

YOUR DEDUCTION, HOLMES.

- FIRST, WATSON, MISS BILLINGS HAD NOT ONE,

BUT TWO WHISKEYS WITH DINNER.

- YES.

- I'M SURE YOU NOTICED MISS SINCLAIR'S TEETH CHATTERING

ALL THROUGH THE MEAL.

A CONSEQUENCE, I BELIEVE, OF THE FACT

THAT SHE WAS NOT WEARING ANY UNDERGARMENTS.

- SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- WHAT IT MEANS, WATSON,

IS THAT WE'RE DEALING WITH A COUPLE OF TARTS.

- TARTS. - YES.

- YOU DON'T MEAN...

- YES, WE'RE GOING TO GET LAID.

- OH, WE'RE GOING TO GET LAID.

- YES. YES. - I WANT TO GET LAID.

OH, I WANT TO GET-- OH, I WANT TO GET--

- EASY, EASY, BUDDY. EASY.

- HELLO. HELLO, LADIES.

- GENTLEMEN, CAN WE INTEREST YOU IN A GAME?

[ladies laugh]

- BRILLIANT. YES.

- IT'S CALLED CLUE. IT'S A NEW MYSTERY BOARD GAME.

- OH, UH, A BOARD GAME.

- YES. I DO LOVE A GOOD MYSTERY.

- YOU BROUGHT A BOARD GAME WITH YOU.

- I DID.

[laughter]

- THE MURDER WAS DONE IN THE STUDY

BY MISS SCARLET WITH THE WRENCH.

- OH. - HO HO.

YES, SIR. SIR. - LOOK, OPEN THE ENVELOPE.

- THE GAME'S ALMOST OVER.

- OH! I WON! - OH, BRAVO! [laughs]

- I PICKED SHERLOCK HOLMES.

- YEAH, THE GAME IS OVER.

NOW, LADIES, THEN LET'S SOLVE THE MYSTERY

OF WHO'S GOING TO TAKE OFF MY PANTS.

- AH! - AH! OH.

- TO THE BEDROOM! - THERE'S ONE PROBLEM.

MISS SCARLET IS COMPLETELY INNOCENT.

- HE'S JUST JOKING. YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT, HOLMES?

- JUSTICE IS NO JOKE, WATSON.

NOW... - OH.

- MISS SCARLET SEEMS GUILTY FOR ONE REASON.

SHE WAS FRAMED BY COLONEL MUSTARD.

MUSTARD.

AN IMPOSTER WITH A NAME I'M SURE YOU'VE NOTICED

IS NOT OF KNOWN ANGLO-SAXON ORIGIN.

- PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. - WATSON, I'M THINKING.

SILENCE.

MRS. PEACOCK, I DOUBT THAT.

BEFORE IT IS MUSTARD. BUT HOW?

THERE'S NO STRUGGLE

AND NO SCUFF MARKS ON THESE SMALL FLOORS.

GUN? NO. TOO LOUD. CANDLESTICK, TOO HEAVY.

SO YOU SEE, IT WAS MONSIEUR MOUTARDE,

FRENCH FOR MUSTARD, WHO ASPHYXIATED PLUM

WITH A TAPESTRY.

- LICORICE. WHO WANTS SOME LICORICE?

I'LL GO RUN AND GET SOME.

- WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'VE CRACKED ANOTHER CASE.

- NO-HO, IT'S LATE. IT'S LATE.

- LADIES, I FOUND LICORICE. AND OOPS... [laughs]

- GOOD-BYE, MR. WATSON. - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE--

- HOME.

- WE SHOULD TAKE A GROUP SHOWER. WE COULD--

- MOUTARDE.

- DAMN IT, HOLMES! WE COULD'VE HAD THEM!

- THEY WERE SIMPLY STUNNED BY MY COGNITIVE GIFTS.

IN A DAY OR TWO, THEY'LL-- - OH, GOOD NIGHT.

- OFF TO PLEASURE YOURSELF IN YOUR QUARTERS?

- HOLMES, HOW DID YOU KNOW?

- ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR FRIEND.

BUT THAT IS A STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME.

- THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER ADVENTURE

OF SHERLOCK HOLMES: VICTORIAN BACHELOR.

- PWEH!

- I SAW A MYSTERY NOVEL IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE

AND I WAS, LIKE, "WOW, THIS IS EVEN MORE SO.

[laughter]

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?"

[laughter]

IT'S A BURNING-HAND POTHOLDER.

SOMETIMES THERE'S A POT THAT'S REALLY HOT

AND YOU NEED TO PICK IT UP.

SO THEN YOU PUT YOUR HAND IN A POTHOLDER OR AN OVEN MITT,

BUT THAT JUST LOOKS LAME.

TRY THIS INSTEAD.

PUT YOUR HAND IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER HAND.

BUT IT'S GOT LITTLE TUBES THAT SHOOT FLAMES OUT OF THEM.

SO WHEN YOU GO TO PICK UP THE POT,

IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR HAND IS ON FIRE.

THAT'S PRETTY BAD-ASS.

THESE ARE CHECKERS THAT CHANGE COLORS.

IT'S FOR WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING CHECKERS AND YOU'RE LOSING.

YOU JUST FLIP A SWITCH

AND IT SENDS A SIGNAL TO THE CHECKERS.

NOW YOU'RE WINNING.

KING ME.

THIS IS FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON A PLANE.

SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO SLEEP ON AN AIRPLANE

SO YOU BRING A MASK.

IT KEEPS THE LIGHT OUT,

BUT IT DOESN'T STOP PEOPLE FROM BOTHERING YOU

LIKE WHEN THEY TELL YOU TO PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT

OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S BULL[bleep].

WELL, NOW THERE'S A SOLUTION.

THE IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS SLEEP MASK.

NOBODY WANTS TO WAKE UP A WOLF.

YOU GET TO SLEEP LIKE A BABY

AND NOBODY BOTHERS YOU.

THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS TOO

LIKE THE GUY WITH SPIKES COMING OUT OF HIS FACE

OR REALLY OLD, SCREAMING, DEAD GUY, SLEEP MASK.

THE SCARY SLEEP MASK,

ONLY FROM IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS.

YOU SHOULD BUY ONE.

- I'D LIKE TO DEMONSTRATE SOMETHING NOW.

I NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE, PLEASE.

HERE, THIS--THIS YOUNG LADY RIGHT HERE, PLEASE.

COME ON UP.

HEY. HOW YOU DOING? YOU CAN COME HERE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - JENNIFER.

- HEY, JENNIFER. - HI.

- DEMETRI. - HELLO.

- UM, OKAY, I NEED YOU TO STAND RIGHT--

RIGHT HERE IF YOU COULD.

- OKAY. - RIGHT THERE.

OKAY, GREAT.

I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE

SOME BASIC SEDUCTION STRATEGIES.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

[seductive music plays]

[laughter]

*

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter and applause]

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

[applause]

[bottle crashes] - OOH, SORRY.

IT DID NOT REALIZE

THAT THERE WAS A SECOND SECURITY CAMERA.

AND IT IS MY PLEASURE TO ANNOUNCE

THAT WE CAN NOW PRESENT THE NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN FOOTAGE

OF YOUR HEROIC BATTLE

CAPTURED ON THAT SECOND SECURITY CAMERA.