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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,470 - WELCOME TO IMPORTANT THINGS. MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN. 2 00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:09,770 TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS STRATEGY. 3 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,600 STRATEGY IS VERY IMPORTANT. WE USE IT ALL THE TIME. 4 00:00:12,633 --> 00:00:13,903 LIKE WHEN WE PLAY GAMES, 5 00:00:13,933 --> 00:00:16,503 WE USE A STRATEGY TO TRY TO WIN. 6 00:00:16,533 --> 00:00:19,873 YES! WAIT, DAMN. 7 00:00:19,900 --> 00:00:23,330 WE ALSO USE STRATEGY WHEN WE WANT TO EXECUTE A PLAN. 8 00:00:24,967 --> 00:00:27,267 STRATEGY IS PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANT 9 00:00:27,300 --> 00:00:29,330 WHEN WE'RE DOING BATTLE 10 00:00:29,367 --> 00:00:32,027 AND WE WANT TO BE VICTORIOUS. 11 00:00:32,067 --> 00:00:35,497 EN GARDE! OH. 12 00:00:35,533 --> 00:00:36,503 - GO. 13 00:00:36,533 --> 00:00:40,203 [upbeat rock music] 14 00:00:40,233 --> 00:00:47,973 * 15 00:00:52,467 --> 00:00:54,367 [cheers and applause] 16 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:55,530 - THANK YOU. 17 00:00:55,567 --> 00:00:58,397 THANK YOU, AUDIENCE. THANK YOU. 18 00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:01,933 TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS STRATEGY. 19 00:01:01,967 --> 00:01:04,227 OKAY, STRATEGY. THIS IS A BIG TOPIC. 20 00:01:04,267 --> 00:01:05,497 LOT TO COVER. 21 00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,073 WE HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS FOR HOW TO COVER THIS. 22 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,867 LET'S SEE. 23 00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:13,870 I CAN GO HOME, GO TOPLESS, OR DO JOKES. 24 00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:15,800 - GO TOPLESS! - TOPLESS! 25 00:01:15,833 --> 00:01:18,073 [cheers and hoots] 26 00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:22,100 - THIS IS A TOUGH ONE. JOKES. 27 00:01:22,133 --> 00:01:24,073 A LAVA LAMP IS A REALLY GOOD STRATEGY 28 00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:28,230 FOR WHEN YOU'RE A GUY AND IT'S DARK 29 00:01:28,267 --> 00:01:29,397 AND YOU WANT TO LET WOMEN KNOW 30 00:01:29,433 --> 00:01:31,073 THAT THEY SHOULD NOT SLEEP WITH YOU. 31 00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:35,697 [laughter] 32 00:01:35,733 --> 00:01:37,073 I WANT TO DESIGN "YOU'RE WELCOME" CARDS. 33 00:01:37,067 --> 00:01:38,227 I THINK THAT'D BE A GOOD PRODUCT. 34 00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:41,567 IT'S FOR WHEN YOU BUY SOMEBODY A GIFT... 35 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:46,400 AND THEN THEY DON'T SEND YOU A THANK YOU CARD. 36 00:01:46,433 --> 00:01:48,433 THAT'S WHEN YOU SEND THE "YOU'RE WELCOME" CARD. 37 00:01:48,467 --> 00:01:49,867 [laughter] 38 00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:52,700 "YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE TOASTER... 39 00:01:52,733 --> 00:01:54,073 [laughter] 40 00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:56,227 "ASS[bleep]. ENJOY THE TOASTER. 41 00:01:56,267 --> 00:01:59,597 YOU'RE WELCOME. NO. REALLY." 42 00:01:59,633 --> 00:02:01,203 ONE THING YOU CAN SAY IN A SITUATION-- 43 00:02:01,233 --> 00:02:02,433 LIKE, IF YOU'RE IN A BAD SITUATION 44 00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:04,127 AND YOU GET CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING, 45 00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:06,127 IF YOU JUST SAY "SURPRISE"... 46 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:08,597 [laughter] 47 00:02:08,633 --> 00:02:11,103 IT'S OKAY. 48 00:02:11,133 --> 00:02:12,673 IF YOU'RE, LIKE, ROBBING SOMEBODY'S HOUSE 49 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:14,900 AND THEY COME IN, "SURPRISE! 50 00:02:14,933 --> 00:02:16,773 [laughter] 51 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,070 "ONE-MAN SURPRISE PARTY. 52 00:02:19,067 --> 00:02:20,667 "I GOT YOU, UH, SOME OF YOUR STUFF. 53 00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:23,200 "HERE YOU GO. OKAY. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. 54 00:02:23,233 --> 00:02:25,173 "ENJOY. ENJOY YOUR STUFF. GOOD NIGHT. BYE. 55 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:26,500 [exhales] CLOSE CALL. HERE WE GO." 56 00:02:26,533 --> 00:02:28,633 [laughter] 57 00:02:28,667 --> 00:02:30,067 I LIKE TO PAINT. 58 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,367 I-I PAINT MOSTLY, UM, 59 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,070 PAINTINGS OF MUSEUM SECURITY GUARDS. 60 00:02:33,067 --> 00:02:35,567 PORTRAITS. 61 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,070 SOME DAY I'M GONNA HAVE A SHOW. 62 00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:39,827 AND IT'LL BE IN A GALLERY. AND THEY'LL COME TO WORK. 63 00:02:39,867 --> 00:02:41,067 AND THEY'LL BE, LIKE, 64 00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:42,697 "THAT'S WHAT I'M [bleep] TALKING ABOUT! 65 00:02:42,733 --> 00:02:46,073 [laughter] 66 00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:48,067 I'M GONNA PROTECT THE [bleep] OUT OF THESE PAINTINGS." 67 00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:51,067 [laughter] 68 00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:54,370 * WHAT DO YOU SEE, DO YOU SEE? * 69 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:57,700 * DO YOU SEE I SEE? * 70 00:02:57,733 --> 00:03:00,933 * WHAT DO YOU SEE, DO YOU SEE? * 71 00:03:00,967 --> 00:03:05,297 * DO YOU SEE, I SEE, DO YOU SEE? * 72 00:03:05,333 --> 00:03:09,073 [dramatic music] 73 00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:12,230 * 74 00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:14,067 - I CAN'T BELIEVE WE ACTUALLY FOUND ONE. 75 00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:17,870 - WE FOUND AN ALIEN. A LIVE ALIEN. 76 00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:19,530 IS IT OKAY, DOCTOR? - YEAH. 77 00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:20,927 IT'S JUST A BIT STUNNED FROM THE CRASH, 78 00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:22,427 BUT IT'S PERFECTLY HEALTHY. 79 00:03:22,467 --> 00:03:23,767 - ARE THE SHACKLES OKAY? 80 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,430 YOU'RE NOT HURTING IT OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT? 81 00:03:25,467 --> 00:03:28,127 - NO, NO, NO. HE'S PERFECTLY FRIENDLY. 82 00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:30,467 HE POSES ABSOLUTELY NO THREAT TO US. 83 00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:32,330 - IT'S KIND OF CUTE. - HUH. YEAH. 84 00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:34,397 SMALL, LITTLE GUY. 85 00:03:34,433 --> 00:03:38,073 [whispers] TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC. 86 00:03:38,067 --> 00:03:39,597 YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS, RIGHT? 87 00:03:39,633 --> 00:03:41,273 WE'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. 88 00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:43,100 - WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I'M NOT TAKING CARE OF IT. 89 00:03:43,133 --> 00:03:44,433 - ME--ME AND YOU, 90 00:03:44,467 --> 00:03:46,327 WE'RE GONNA BE MORE FAMOUS THAN THE ASTRONAUTS. 91 00:03:46,367 --> 00:03:48,797 - YOU'RE RIGHT. WE DISCOVERED AN ALIEN. 92 00:03:48,833 --> 00:03:50,733 - THIS IS THE DISCOVERY OF THE CENTURY. 93 00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:54,367 AH! AAH! AAH! 94 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,300 AAH! 95 00:03:56,333 --> 00:03:58,303 - [gasps] 96 00:03:58,333 --> 00:04:00,703 [hammer clatters on floor] - JESUS. WHAT'D YOU JUST DO? 97 00:04:00,733 --> 00:04:02,073 - IT TOUCHED ME! IT WAS SLIMY! 98 00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:03,567 IT WAS ON MY HAND! I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! 99 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,900 - YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL IT. 100 00:04:04,933 --> 00:04:06,373 - I DIDN'T SWING TO KILL! I WAS JUST SWINGING! 101 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,300 - YOU MURDERED HIM. - I DIDN'T MURDER ANYTHING. 102 00:04:08,333 --> 00:04:10,103 - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY RELAX, ALL RIGHT? 103 00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:11,533 WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. OH, MY GOD. 104 00:04:11,567 --> 00:04:12,927 - YOU MURDERED HIM. 105 00:04:12,967 --> 00:04:14,767 - HEY, LET'S ALL AGREE THAT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, RIGHT? 106 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,270 - YES. YES. - I HAVE TO REPORT THIS. 107 00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:17,500 I HAVE TO. - NO. NO, NO, NO. 108 00:04:17,533 --> 00:04:19,073 - NO. NOBODY'S REPORTING ANYTHING, ALL RIGHT? 109 00:04:19,067 --> 00:04:20,367 - I'M REPORTING IT. I HAVE TO. 110 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:21,930 - NO, YOU'RE NOT REPORTING IT. LET ME HANDLE IT. 111 00:04:21,967 --> 00:04:23,067 - I'M GONNA REPORT IT. 112 00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:24,300 THE SECOND I'M OUT OF HERE, 113 00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:26,333 I'M TELLING EVERYONE THAT YOU MURDERED IT. 114 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,367 AND YOU PROBABLY HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT TOO. 115 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:29,970 I'M GONNA TELL. I'M GONNA TELL. I'M GONNA-- 116 00:04:32,967 --> 00:04:34,597 - ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHAT SAY, 117 00:04:34,633 --> 00:04:36,873 THE ALIEN SHOT THE DOCTOR AND THEN YOU SHOT THE ALIEN. 118 00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:39,900 - WAIT, WITH YOUR GUN? - I GAVE IT TO YOU. 119 00:04:39,933 --> 00:04:41,373 - WHAT ABOUT THE HAMMER? 120 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,430 - AND THEN YOU BEAT IT WITH THE HAMMER. 121 00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:46,067 - OKAY. - OH, MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED? 122 00:04:46,067 --> 00:04:47,367 IS HE DEAD? 123 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,830 - THE ALIEN SHOT THE DOCTOR SO I SHOT THE ALIEN. 124 00:04:49,867 --> 00:04:52,167 UH, HE GAVE ME HIS GUN TO DO IT. 125 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,570 - YEAH. - THE ALIEN'S STILL SHACKLED. 126 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:57,070 I DON'T GET THIS. I GOTTA GET HELP. 127 00:04:59,267 --> 00:05:00,627 - NOW WHAT DO WE DO? 128 00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,267 - UH, WE CAN'T SAY THEY DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES. 129 00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:03,670 - NO. - ALL RIGHT. 130 00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:05,800 UH, WE SAY THAT YOU DRAPED A SHEET OVER THE ALIEN, RIGHT? 131 00:05:05,833 --> 00:05:08,273 THEN FRANK CAME IN AND THOUGHT IT WAS A CHAIR. 132 00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:09,670 SO HE SAT ON IT AND THEN THE ALIEN DIED. 133 00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,330 AND THEN HE FELL OVER BACKWARDS AND HIT HIS HEAD. 134 00:05:11,367 --> 00:05:12,467 AND HE DIED. 135 00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:14,300 AND HIS GUN WENT OFF AND SHOT THE DOCTOR. 136 00:05:14,333 --> 00:05:16,873 THEN THE ALIEN GOT UP AND SHOT FRANK IN THE CHEST. 137 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:17,970 - GREAT. OKAY. - GOOD. 138 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,067 WE GOT IT. - WE GOT IT. OKAY. 139 00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:20,370 [person approaches] 140 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,700 HO HO. - YEAH. 141 00:05:25,733 --> 00:05:28,103 - [exhales] NOW WHAT DO WE DO? 142 00:05:31,167 --> 00:05:35,367 - WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S NOT OUR ONLY PROBLEM. 143 00:05:36,433 --> 00:05:40,303 - [bleep]. - YEAH, I KNOW. 144 00:05:40,333 --> 00:05:43,073 - YOU'RE NOT GONNA KILL ME, ARE YOU? 145 00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:47,167 - NO. 146 00:05:49,667 --> 00:05:52,227 - THAT'LL WORK. 147 00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:54,227 - NEXT. - HEY. 148 00:05:54,267 --> 00:05:55,897 I THINK IT WOULD BE COOL TO WEAR BOWLING SHOES 149 00:05:55,933 --> 00:05:57,533 TO A BOWLING ALLEY. 150 00:05:57,567 --> 00:05:58,797 AND THEN WHEN YOU GET THERE, 151 00:05:58,833 --> 00:06:01,503 YOU GIVE THEM BOWLING SHOES TO GET A DIFFERENT PAIR 152 00:06:01,533 --> 00:06:04,703 OF BOWLING SHOES. 153 00:06:04,733 --> 00:06:08,273 THINK ABOUT IT. ALL RIGHT. 154 00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:03,203 - WHY IS STRATEGY IMPORTANT? 155 00:07:03,233 --> 00:07:05,333 - STRATIT--STRAGIC-- 156 00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:06,767 OH, NOW I CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT. 157 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,630 - STRATEGY. YEAH. STRA-TE-GY. 158 00:07:08,667 --> 00:07:10,567 - STRA-TE-GY? - YEAH? 159 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,670 TRAGEDY. OH, NO. - OKAY. 160 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,070 - STRATEGY. 161 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:16,467 IT'S VERY IMPORTANT 162 00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:19,270 BECAUSE YOU CAN PLAN WITH THAT. 163 00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:22,400 AND THEN, LIKE, FOR INSTANCE, IT'S A WAR TIME. 164 00:07:22,433 --> 00:07:25,403 YOU HAVE TO DO "STRATERY." 165 00:07:25,433 --> 00:07:27,473 [cheers and applause] 166 00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:29,500 - THERE ARE A LOT OF STRATEGIES THAT DEPENDING 167 00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:32,833 ON WHEN YOU USE THEM CAN BE GOOD, BAD, OR INTERESTING. 168 00:07:32,867 --> 00:07:34,067 I'LL SHOW YOU NOW IN A SEGMENT 169 00:07:34,067 --> 00:07:36,397 CALLED GOOD, BAD, INTERESTING. 170 00:07:36,433 --> 00:07:37,903 SCREAMING. 171 00:07:37,933 --> 00:07:41,203 GOOD, WARNING ABOUT DANGER. 172 00:07:41,233 --> 00:07:43,833 BAD, BEING HANDED YOUR ADOPTED BABY. 173 00:07:43,867 --> 00:07:45,527 [laughter] 174 00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:47,767 INTERESTING... 175 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:51,200 EVERY TIME YOU WAKE UP. 176 00:07:51,233 --> 00:07:53,703 THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING. 177 00:07:53,733 --> 00:07:57,073 COUNTING BACKWARDS FROM TEN. 178 00:07:57,067 --> 00:08:00,127 GOOD, LAUNCHING A ROCKET. 179 00:08:00,167 --> 00:08:01,867 BAD, WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAS JUST ASKED YOU 180 00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:02,930 IF YOU LOVE HER. 181 00:08:02,967 --> 00:08:07,327 [laughter] 182 00:08:07,367 --> 00:08:09,327 INTERESTING, WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO FART. 183 00:08:09,367 --> 00:08:14,097 [laughter] 184 00:08:14,133 --> 00:08:16,303 YELLING "HELP." 185 00:08:16,333 --> 00:08:19,073 GOOD, WHEN YOU'RE STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR. 186 00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:20,797 BAD, WHEN YOU'RE FLUNKING A TEST. 187 00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:23,603 [laughter] 188 00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:27,073 HELP! 189 00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:29,200 INTERESTING, WHEN IN AN ELEVATOR 190 00:08:29,233 --> 00:08:31,073 AND IT'S NOT STUCK. 191 00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:33,527 [laughter and applause] 192 00:08:33,567 --> 00:08:35,167 STOP, DROP, AND ROLL. 193 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,170 GOOD, IF YOU'RE ON FIRE. 194 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,830 BAD, IF YOU'RE BEING FIRED. 195 00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:43,867 [laughter] 196 00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:45,530 INTERESTING, IF YOU'RE A WAITER. 197 00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:46,967 [laughter] 198 00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:47,967 "WHERE'S OUR FOOD?" 199 00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:52,167 "UH, IT'S ALL OVER HERE." 200 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,970 THE SILENT TREATMENT. 201 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,627 GOOD, TO WIN AN ARGUMENT. 202 00:08:56,667 --> 00:08:59,067 BAD, FOR A HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION. 203 00:08:59,067 --> 00:09:02,297 [laughter] 204 00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,903 INTERESTING, FOR FIGHTING HEMORRHOIDS. 205 00:09:04,933 --> 00:09:07,073 [laughter] 206 00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,870 * LOOK, LOOK, LOOK 207 00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:18,273 * LOOK, LOOK, LOOK 208 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,500 - WELCOME BACK TO PROPERTY COURT. 209 00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,803 THE JUDGE WILL NOW HEAR THE NEXT CASE. 210 00:09:28,833 --> 00:09:30,303 THE PLAINTIFF, MILTON, 211 00:09:30,333 --> 00:09:32,433 CLAIMS THE DEFENDANT, HIS NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR, 212 00:09:32,467 --> 00:09:35,067 BUILT A FENCE FIVE FEET ONTO HIS PROPERTY. 213 00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:37,267 HE IS SUING FOR THE COST OF MOVING THE FENCE 214 00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:39,900 AND FOR THE REPAIRS TO HIS GRASS AND LANDSCAPING 215 00:09:39,933 --> 00:09:43,273 FOR A TOTAL OF $684. 216 00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:48,300 - THE DEFENDANT, JOE, IS COUNTERSUING THE PLAINTIFF. 217 00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:49,803 HE CLAIMS THE PLAINTIFF ATTACKED HIM 218 00:09:49,833 --> 00:09:51,303 WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER, 219 00:09:51,333 --> 00:09:53,733 SHOT HIM MULTIPLE TIMES WITH A RIFLE, 220 00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,227 STABBED HIM IN THE EYE, BROKE HIS NECK, 221 00:09:56,267 --> 00:09:58,927 RAPED HIM, AND ATTEMPTED TO BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE 222 00:09:58,967 --> 00:10:03,197 AFTER BREAKING INTO IT AND ROBBING HIM OF $875, 223 00:10:03,233 --> 00:10:04,903 WHICH WAS HIS RENT MONEY. 224 00:10:04,933 --> 00:10:06,303 HIS CLAIMS OF ATTEMPTED MURDER, 225 00:10:06,333 --> 00:10:08,073 AGGRAVATED ASSAULT, BATTERY, 226 00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,700 ATTEMPTED ARSON, AND BREAKING AND ENTERING, 227 00:10:10,733 --> 00:10:13,633 PLUS THE $875 IN STOLEN RENT MONEY 228 00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:18,267 TOTAL $22,000,875 IN DAMAGES. 229 00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:20,900 HE ALSO CLAIMS HE'S WILLING TO DROP THE CHARGES 230 00:10:20,933 --> 00:10:24,433 IF THE PLAINTIFF IS WILLING TO DROP HIS CHARGES. 231 00:10:31,067 --> 00:10:33,897 - WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED? 232 00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:35,303 - SURE, YOUR HONOR. 233 00:10:35,333 --> 00:10:37,703 UH, JOE HERE BUILT A-A FENCE. 234 00:10:37,733 --> 00:10:39,573 AND WHEN HE WAS DONE, IT WAS 5 FEET 235 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,070 INSIDE MY PROPERTY LINE. 236 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:45,070 - WHAT IS YOUR RESPONSE TO THE DEFENDANT'S CLAIMS? 237 00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,400 - I COULDN'T HAVE DONE ANY OF THAT. 238 00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:50,633 I'VE GOT A WEAK HEART AND SERIOUS ARTHRITIS. 239 00:10:50,667 --> 00:10:53,167 - JOE. 240 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,770 - YES, YOUR HONOR. 241 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,870 - DID YOU BUILD THE FENCE ON HIS PROPERTY? 242 00:10:57,900 --> 00:11:00,630 - NO. 243 00:11:00,667 --> 00:11:02,797 NO. I DID NOT. 244 00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,203 - ONE OF YOU IS NOT TELLING ME THE TRUTH. 245 00:11:05,233 --> 00:11:08,973 WOULD YOU PLEASE BOTH APPROACH THE BENCH. 246 00:11:12,967 --> 00:11:15,797 - [bleep]. 247 00:11:15,833 --> 00:11:20,803 OW. OW. OH, OW, OW. 248 00:11:20,833 --> 00:11:25,603 - WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE PROPERTY COURT. 249 00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:30,873 - * THIS IS THE SKETCH - YES, IT IS. 250 00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:33,700 - * THIS IS THE SKETCH - THAT'S RIGHT. 251 00:11:33,733 --> 00:11:35,533 - * THIS IS THE SKETCH - SKETCH IT UP. 252 00:11:35,567 --> 00:11:37,667 - * IT'S THE SKETCH - SKETCH. 253 00:11:37,700 --> 00:11:40,070 - [playing blues piano] 254 00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,700 * HERE'S A STRATEGY 255 00:11:42,733 --> 00:11:44,833 * I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU ABOUT * 256 00:11:44,867 --> 00:11:48,097 * SOMETHING YOU COULD USE 257 00:11:48,133 --> 00:11:52,273 * YEAH 258 00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:55,930 * IF SOMEONE THROWS A PIE AT YOUR FACE * 259 00:11:55,967 --> 00:12:00,167 * JUST OPEN YOUR MOUTH REALLY WIDE AND SAY * 260 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:05,100 * "THANKS FOR FEEDING ME, ASS[bleep]" * 261 00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:10,073 * PIE IN THE FACE SICK RECEPTION STRATEGY * 262 00:12:11,867 --> 00:12:14,397 [cheers and applause] 263 00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:18,703 - * YAH YAH - NOW IS COMMERCIAL. 264 00:12:24,233 --> 00:12:27,403 [people chattering] 265 00:12:27,433 --> 00:12:30,403 [guitar music] 266 00:12:30,433 --> 00:12:32,303 * 267 00:12:32,333 --> 00:12:34,233 - * I REALLY WANT A SECOND SLICE OF PIZZA * 268 00:12:34,267 --> 00:12:36,797 * BUT NOT EVERYONE'S HAD THEIR FIRST YET * 269 00:12:36,833 --> 00:12:38,233 * WHAT DO I DO? 270 00:12:38,267 --> 00:12:40,597 * I COULD ASK EVERYONE IN THE GROUP FOR PERMISSION * 271 00:12:40,633 --> 00:12:42,173 * BUT THAT WON'T DO 272 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,930 * THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE 273 00:12:43,967 --> 00:12:46,597 * IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE SLICE * 274 00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:49,903 * FOR EACH PERSON IN THIS GROUP, DAMN * 275 00:12:49,933 --> 00:12:51,503 * I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A PRICK * 276 00:12:51,533 --> 00:12:53,073 * I'LL JUST CREATE A DISTRACTION * 277 00:12:53,067 --> 00:12:54,367 * WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE? 278 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:57,370 * HERE COMES MY SECOND SLICE 279 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,470 [people chattering] 280 00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:07,330 - DIRTBAG JUST TOOK ANOTHER SLICE. 281 00:13:07,367 --> 00:13:09,267 - * IT'S THE NEXT THING 282 00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:13,070 * NEXT THING TO SEE 283 00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:16,767 - NOW BACK TO SHERLOCK HOLMES: VICTORIAN BACHELOR. 284 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:20,230 [laughter and chatter] 285 00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:24,227 - WHOA! OHO HO! - OHO HO, MR. HOLMES! 286 00:13:24,267 --> 00:13:25,397 - PLEASE EXCUSE US, GENTLEMEN, 287 00:13:25,433 --> 00:13:27,773 WE HAVE TO GO POWDER OUR NOSES. 288 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,670 - OH. SOUNDS FUN. POWDER AWAY. POWDER AWAY. 289 00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:35,700 - HURRY BACK. - GET THOSE NOSES POWDERED. 290 00:13:35,733 --> 00:13:37,873 YOUR DEDUCTION, HOLMES. 291 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,700 - FIRST, WATSON, MISS BILLINGS HAD NOT ONE, 292 00:13:39,733 --> 00:13:40,873 BUT TWO WHISKEYS WITH DINNER. 293 00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:42,300 - YES. 294 00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:44,233 - I'M SURE YOU NOTICED MISS SINCLAIR'S TEETH CHATTERING 295 00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:45,327 ALL THROUGH THE MEAL. 296 00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:46,667 A CONSEQUENCE, I BELIEVE, OF THE FACT 297 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,270 THAT SHE WAS NOT WEARING ANY UNDERGARMENTS. 298 00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:49,270 - SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 299 00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:50,500 - WHAT IT MEANS, WATSON, 300 00:13:50,533 --> 00:13:52,173 IS THAT WE'RE DEALING WITH A COUPLE OF TARTS. 301 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,170 - TARTS. - YES. 302 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,230 - YOU DON'T MEAN... 303 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:55,827 - YES, WE'RE GOING TO GET LAID. 304 00:13:55,867 --> 00:13:57,867 - OH, WE'RE GOING TO GET LAID. 305 00:13:57,900 --> 00:13:59,730 - YES. YES. - I WANT TO GET LAID. 306 00:13:59,767 --> 00:14:01,127 OH, I WANT TO GET-- OH, I WANT TO GET-- 307 00:14:01,167 --> 00:14:05,127 - EASY, EASY, BUDDY. EASY. 308 00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:06,667 - HELLO. HELLO, LADIES. 309 00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:11,400 - GENTLEMEN, CAN WE INTEREST YOU IN A GAME? 310 00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:12,573 [ladies laugh] 311 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,600 - BRILLIANT. YES. 312 00:14:14,633 --> 00:14:18,403 - IT'S CALLED CLUE. IT'S A NEW MYSTERY BOARD GAME. 313 00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:20,933 - OH, UH, A BOARD GAME. 314 00:14:20,967 --> 00:14:24,397 - YES. I DO LOVE A GOOD MYSTERY. 315 00:14:24,433 --> 00:14:26,173 - YOU BROUGHT A BOARD GAME WITH YOU. 316 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,470 - I DID. 317 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:31,800 [laughter] 318 00:14:31,833 --> 00:14:33,633 - THE MURDER WAS DONE IN THE STUDY 319 00:14:33,667 --> 00:14:35,597 BY MISS SCARLET WITH THE WRENCH. 320 00:14:35,633 --> 00:14:36,933 - OH. - HO HO. 321 00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:39,697 YES, SIR. SIR. - LOOK, OPEN THE ENVELOPE. 322 00:14:39,733 --> 00:14:41,933 - THE GAME'S ALMOST OVER. 323 00:14:41,967 --> 00:14:45,427 - OH! I WON! - OH, BRAVO! [laughs] 324 00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:47,227 - I PICKED SHERLOCK HOLMES. 325 00:14:47,267 --> 00:14:49,927 - YEAH, THE GAME IS OVER. 326 00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:51,727 NOW, LADIES, THEN LET'S SOLVE THE MYSTERY 327 00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,267 OF WHO'S GOING TO TAKE OFF MY PANTS. 328 00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:55,170 - AH! - AH! OH. 329 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:59,470 - TO THE BEDROOM! - THERE'S ONE PROBLEM. 330 00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:02,270 MISS SCARLET IS COMPLETELY INNOCENT. 331 00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:04,970 - HE'S JUST JOKING. YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT, HOLMES? 332 00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:09,297 - JUSTICE IS NO JOKE, WATSON. 333 00:15:09,333 --> 00:15:11,173 NOW... - OH. 334 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,770 - MISS SCARLET SEEMS GUILTY FOR ONE REASON. 335 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:17,400 SHE WAS FRAMED BY COLONEL MUSTARD. 336 00:15:17,433 --> 00:15:19,203 MUSTARD. 337 00:15:19,233 --> 00:15:21,903 AN IMPOSTER WITH A NAME I'M SURE YOU'VE NOTICED 338 00:15:21,933 --> 00:15:23,503 IS NOT OF KNOWN ANGLO-SAXON ORIGIN. 339 00:15:23,533 --> 00:15:25,603 - PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. - WATSON, I'M THINKING. 340 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:26,803 SILENCE. 341 00:15:26,833 --> 00:15:28,903 MRS. PEACOCK, I DOUBT THAT. 342 00:15:28,933 --> 00:15:31,103 BEFORE IT IS MUSTARD. BUT HOW? 343 00:15:31,133 --> 00:15:32,233 THERE'S NO STRUGGLE 344 00:15:32,267 --> 00:15:34,067 AND NO SCUFF MARKS ON THESE SMALL FLOORS. 345 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:37,727 GUN? NO. TOO LOUD. CANDLESTICK, TOO HEAVY. 346 00:15:37,767 --> 00:15:40,227 SO YOU SEE, IT WAS MONSIEUR MOUTARDE, 347 00:15:40,267 --> 00:15:43,467 FRENCH FOR MUSTARD, WHO ASPHYXIATED PLUM 348 00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:47,270 WITH A TAPESTRY. 349 00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:49,330 - LICORICE. WHO WANTS SOME LICORICE? 350 00:15:49,367 --> 00:15:50,897 I'LL GO RUN AND GET SOME. 351 00:15:50,933 --> 00:15:54,073 - WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'VE CRACKED ANOTHER CASE. 352 00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:57,600 - NO-HO, IT'S LATE. IT'S LATE. 353 00:15:57,633 --> 00:16:02,573 - LADIES, I FOUND LICORICE. AND OOPS... [laughs] 354 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,070 - GOOD-BYE, MR. WATSON. - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE-- 355 00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:06,200 - HOME. 356 00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:09,133 - WE SHOULD TAKE A GROUP SHOWER. WE COULD-- 357 00:16:09,167 --> 00:16:11,097 - MOUTARDE. 358 00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:13,103 - DAMN IT, HOLMES! WE COULD'VE HAD THEM! 359 00:16:13,133 --> 00:16:15,203 - THEY WERE SIMPLY STUNNED BY MY COGNITIVE GIFTS. 360 00:16:15,233 --> 00:16:18,173 IN A DAY OR TWO, THEY'LL-- - OH, GOOD NIGHT. 361 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,100 - OFF TO PLEASURE YOURSELF IN YOUR QUARTERS? 362 00:16:20,133 --> 00:16:22,403 - HOLMES, HOW DID YOU KNOW? 363 00:16:22,433 --> 00:16:25,303 - ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR FRIEND. 364 00:16:25,333 --> 00:16:28,303 BUT THAT IS A STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME. 365 00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:29,873 - THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER ADVENTURE 366 00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:33,500 OF SHERLOCK HOLMES: VICTORIAN BACHELOR. 367 00:16:33,533 --> 00:16:34,733 - PWEH! 368 00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:37,197 - I SAW A MYSTERY NOVEL IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE 369 00:16:37,233 --> 00:16:40,103 AND I WAS, LIKE, "WOW, THIS IS EVEN MORE SO. 370 00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:43,333 [laughter] 371 00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:45,227 WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?" 372 00:16:45,267 --> 00:16:46,767 [laughter] 373 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,400 IT'S A BURNING-HAND POTHOLDER. 374 00:16:54,433 --> 00:16:56,073 SOMETIMES THERE'S A POT THAT'S REALLY HOT 375 00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:57,470 AND YOU NEED TO PICK IT UP. 376 00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,830 SO THEN YOU PUT YOUR HAND IN A POTHOLDER OR AN OVEN MITT, 377 00:16:59,867 --> 00:17:01,897 BUT THAT JUST LOOKS LAME. 378 00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:03,233 TRY THIS INSTEAD. 379 00:17:03,267 --> 00:17:05,727 PUT YOUR HAND IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER HAND. 380 00:17:05,767 --> 00:17:08,397 BUT IT'S GOT LITTLE TUBES THAT SHOOT FLAMES OUT OF THEM. 381 00:17:08,433 --> 00:17:09,703 SO WHEN YOU GO TO PICK UP THE POT, 382 00:17:09,733 --> 00:17:11,733 IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR HAND IS ON FIRE. 383 00:17:11,767 --> 00:17:13,797 THAT'S PRETTY BAD-ASS. 384 00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:16,233 THESE ARE CHECKERS THAT CHANGE COLORS. 385 00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:18,897 IT'S FOR WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING CHECKERS AND YOU'RE LOSING. 386 00:17:18,933 --> 00:17:20,073 YOU JUST FLIP A SWITCH 387 00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:21,927 AND IT SENDS A SIGNAL TO THE CHECKERS. 388 00:17:21,967 --> 00:17:23,497 NOW YOU'RE WINNING. 389 00:17:23,533 --> 00:17:24,973 KING ME. 390 00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:27,227 THIS IS FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON A PLANE. 391 00:17:27,267 --> 00:17:28,797 SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO SLEEP ON AN AIRPLANE 392 00:17:28,833 --> 00:17:30,073 SO YOU BRING A MASK. 393 00:17:30,067 --> 00:17:31,297 IT KEEPS THE LIGHT OUT, 394 00:17:31,333 --> 00:17:33,073 BUT IT DOESN'T STOP PEOPLE FROM BOTHERING YOU 395 00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,670 LIKE WHEN THEY TELL YOU TO PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT 396 00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:38,330 OR SOMETHING. 397 00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:39,397 THAT'S BULL[bleep]. 398 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:41,273 WELL, NOW THERE'S A SOLUTION. 399 00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:44,200 THE IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS SLEEP MASK. 400 00:17:44,233 --> 00:17:46,603 NOBODY WANTS TO WAKE UP A WOLF. 401 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:48,173 YOU GET TO SLEEP LIKE A BABY 402 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,470 AND NOBODY BOTHERS YOU. 403 00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,370 THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS TOO 404 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,570 LIKE THE GUY WITH SPIKES COMING OUT OF HIS FACE 405 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:57,200 OR REALLY OLD, SCREAMING, DEAD GUY, SLEEP MASK. 406 00:17:57,233 --> 00:17:58,703 THE SCARY SLEEP MASK, 407 00:17:58,733 --> 00:18:00,773 ONLY FROM IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS. 408 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,500 YOU SHOULD BUY ONE. 409 00:18:45,233 --> 00:18:47,073 - I'D LIKE TO DEMONSTRATE SOMETHING NOW. 410 00:18:47,067 --> 00:18:50,297 I NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE, PLEASE. 411 00:18:50,333 --> 00:18:53,803 HERE, THIS--THIS YOUNG LADY RIGHT HERE, PLEASE. 412 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,703 COME ON UP. 413 00:18:55,733 --> 00:18:57,903 HEY. HOW YOU DOING? YOU CAN COME HERE. 414 00:18:57,933 --> 00:18:59,073 WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - JENNIFER. 415 00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,067 - HEY, JENNIFER. - HI. 416 00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:01,300 - DEMETRI. - HELLO. 417 00:19:01,333 --> 00:19:02,933 - UM, OKAY, I NEED YOU TO STAND RIGHT-- 418 00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,067 RIGHT HERE IF YOU COULD. 419 00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:05,300 - OKAY. - RIGHT THERE. 420 00:19:05,333 --> 00:19:07,873 OKAY, GREAT. 421 00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:09,730 I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE 422 00:19:09,767 --> 00:19:12,267 SOME BASIC SEDUCTION STRATEGIES. 423 00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:13,970 [laughter] 424 00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:17,327 [cheers and applause] 425 00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:18,827 [seductive music plays] 426 00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:22,127 [laughter] 427 00:19:22,167 --> 00:19:30,167 * 428 00:19:33,267 --> 00:19:36,267 [laughter] 429 00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:45,067 [laughter] 430 00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:54,567 [laughter] 431 00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:05,267 [laughter] 432 00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:21,367 [laughter and applause] 433 00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:37,467 [cheers and applause] 434 00:20:55,967 --> 00:20:58,297 [laughter] 435 00:20:58,333 --> 00:21:02,833 [applause] 436 00:21:02,867 --> 00:21:04,727 [bottle crashes] - OOH, SORRY. 437 00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:19,130 IT DID NOT REALIZE 438 00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:22,067 THAT THERE WAS A SECOND SECURITY CAMERA. 439 00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:24,227 AND IT IS MY PLEASURE TO ANNOUNCE 440 00:21:24,267 --> 00:21:27,597 THAT WE CAN NOW PRESENT THE NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN FOOTAGE 441 00:21:27,633 --> 00:21:29,673 OF YOUR HEROIC BATTLE 442 00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:33,700 CAPTURED ON THAT SECOND SECURITY CAMERA. 30967

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