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1
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- WELCOME TO IMPORTANT THINGS.
MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN.
2
00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:09,770
TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING
IS STRATEGY.
3
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,600
STRATEGY IS VERY IMPORTANT.
WE USE IT ALL THE TIME.
4
00:00:12,633 --> 00:00:13,903
LIKE WHEN WE PLAY GAMES,
5
00:00:13,933 --> 00:00:16,503
WE USE A STRATEGY
TO TRY TO WIN.
6
00:00:16,533 --> 00:00:19,873
YES! WAIT, DAMN.
7
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WE ALSO USE STRATEGY
WHEN WE WANT TO EXECUTE A PLAN.
8
00:00:24,967 --> 00:00:27,267
STRATEGY IS PERHAPS
MOST IMPORTANT
9
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WHEN WE'RE DOING BATTLE
10
00:00:29,367 --> 00:00:32,027
AND WE WANT
TO BE VICTORIOUS.
11
00:00:32,067 --> 00:00:35,497
EN GARDE! OH.
12
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- GO.
13
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[upbeat rock music]
14
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*
15
00:00:52,467 --> 00:00:54,367
[cheers and applause]
16
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:55,530
- THANK YOU.
17
00:00:55,567 --> 00:00:58,397
THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.
THANK YOU.
18
00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:01,933
TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING
IS STRATEGY.
19
00:01:01,967 --> 00:01:04,227
OKAY, STRATEGY.
THIS IS A BIG TOPIC.
20
00:01:04,267 --> 00:01:05,497
LOT TO COVER.
21
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,073
WE HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS
FOR HOW TO COVER THIS.
22
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,867
LET'S SEE.
23
00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:13,870
I CAN GO HOME,
GO TOPLESS, OR DO JOKES.
24
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- GO TOPLESS!
- TOPLESS!
25
00:01:15,833 --> 00:01:18,073
[cheers and hoots]
26
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:22,100
- THIS IS A TOUGH ONE.
JOKES.
27
00:01:22,133 --> 00:01:24,073
A LAVA LAMP IS A REALLY GOOD
STRATEGY
28
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FOR WHEN YOU'RE A GUY
AND IT'S DARK
29
00:01:28,267 --> 00:01:29,397
AND YOU WANT
TO LET WOMEN KNOW
30
00:01:29,433 --> 00:01:31,073
THAT THEY SHOULD NOT SLEEP
WITH YOU.
31
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[laughter]
32
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I WANT TO DESIGN
"YOU'RE WELCOME" CARDS.
33
00:01:37,067 --> 00:01:38,227
I THINK THAT'D BE
A GOOD PRODUCT.
34
00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:41,567
IT'S FOR WHEN YOU BUY
SOMEBODY A GIFT...
35
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AND THEN THEY DON'T SEND YOU
A THANK YOU CARD.
36
00:01:46,433 --> 00:01:48,433
THAT'S WHEN YOU SEND
THE "YOU'RE WELCOME" CARD.
37
00:01:48,467 --> 00:01:49,867
[laughter]
38
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:52,700
"YOU'RE WELCOME
FOR THE TOASTER...
39
00:01:52,733 --> 00:01:54,073
[laughter]
40
00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:56,227
"ASS[bleep].
ENJOY THE TOASTER.
41
00:01:56,267 --> 00:01:59,597
YOU'RE WELCOME.
NO. REALLY."
42
00:01:59,633 --> 00:02:01,203
ONE THING YOU CAN SAY
IN A SITUATION--
43
00:02:01,233 --> 00:02:02,433
LIKE, IF YOU'RE
IN A BAD SITUATION
44
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:04,127
AND YOU GET CAUGHT
DOING SOMETHING,
45
00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:06,127
IF YOU JUST SAY "SURPRISE"...
46
00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:08,597
[laughter]
47
00:02:08,633 --> 00:02:11,103
IT'S OKAY.
48
00:02:11,133 --> 00:02:12,673
IF YOU'RE, LIKE,
ROBBING SOMEBODY'S HOUSE
49
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:14,900
AND THEY COME IN,
"SURPRISE!
50
00:02:14,933 --> 00:02:16,773
[laughter]
51
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,070
"ONE-MAN SURPRISE PARTY.
52
00:02:19,067 --> 00:02:20,667
"I GOT YOU, UH,
SOME OF YOUR STUFF.
53
00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:23,200
"HERE YOU GO.
OKAY. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
54
00:02:23,233 --> 00:02:25,173
"ENJOY. ENJOY YOUR STUFF.
GOOD NIGHT. BYE.
55
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:26,500
[exhales] CLOSE CALL.
HERE WE GO."
56
00:02:26,533 --> 00:02:28,633
[laughter]
57
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I LIKE TO PAINT.
58
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,367
I-I PAINT MOSTLY, UM,
59
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,070
PAINTINGS OF MUSEUM
SECURITY GUARDS.
60
00:02:33,067 --> 00:02:35,567
PORTRAITS.
61
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,070
SOME DAY I'M GONNA HAVE
A SHOW.
62
00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:39,827
AND IT'LL BE IN A GALLERY.
AND THEY'LL COME TO WORK.
63
00:02:39,867 --> 00:02:41,067
AND THEY'LL BE, LIKE,
64
00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:42,697
"THAT'S WHAT I'M [bleep]
TALKING ABOUT!
65
00:02:42,733 --> 00:02:46,073
[laughter]
66
00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:48,067
I'M GONNA PROTECT THE [bleep]
OUT OF THESE PAINTINGS."
67
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[laughter]
68
00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:54,370
* WHAT DO YOU SEE,
DO YOU SEE? *
69
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:57,700
* DO YOU SEE
I SEE? *
70
00:02:57,733 --> 00:03:00,933
* WHAT DO YOU SEE,
DO YOU SEE? *
71
00:03:00,967 --> 00:03:05,297
* DO YOU SEE, I SEE,
DO YOU SEE? *
72
00:03:05,333 --> 00:03:09,073
[dramatic music]
73
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*
74
00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:14,067
- I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE ACTUALLY FOUND ONE.
75
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:17,870
- WE FOUND AN ALIEN.
A LIVE ALIEN.
76
00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:19,530
IS IT OKAY, DOCTOR?
- YEAH.
77
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:20,927
IT'S JUST A BIT STUNNED
FROM THE CRASH,
78
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:22,427
BUT IT'S PERFECTLY HEALTHY.
79
00:03:22,467 --> 00:03:23,767
- ARE THE SHACKLES OKAY?
80
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,430
YOU'RE NOT HURTING IT
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
81
00:03:25,467 --> 00:03:28,127
- NO, NO, NO.
HE'S PERFECTLY FRIENDLY.
82
00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:30,467
HE POSES ABSOLUTELY
NO THREAT TO US.
83
00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:32,330
- IT'S KIND OF CUTE.
- HUH. YEAH.
84
00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:34,397
SMALL, LITTLE GUY.
85
00:03:34,433 --> 00:03:38,073
[whispers]
TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC.
86
00:03:38,067 --> 00:03:39,597
YOU REALIZE
WHAT THIS MEANS, RIGHT?
87
00:03:39,633 --> 00:03:41,273
WE'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.
88
00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:43,100
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'M NOT TAKING CARE OF IT.
89
00:03:43,133 --> 00:03:44,433
- ME--ME AND YOU,
90
00:03:44,467 --> 00:03:46,327
WE'RE GONNA BE MORE FAMOUS
THAN THE ASTRONAUTS.
91
00:03:46,367 --> 00:03:48,797
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE DISCOVERED AN ALIEN.
92
00:03:48,833 --> 00:03:50,733
- THIS IS THE DISCOVERY
OF THE CENTURY.
93
00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:54,367
AH! AAH! AAH!
94
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,300
AAH!
95
00:03:56,333 --> 00:03:58,303
- [gasps]
96
00:03:58,333 --> 00:04:00,703
[hammer clatters on floor]
- JESUS. WHAT'D YOU JUST DO?
97
00:04:00,733 --> 00:04:02,073
- IT TOUCHED ME!
IT WAS SLIMY!
98
00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:03,567
IT WAS ON MY HAND!
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
99
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,900
- YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL IT.
100
00:04:04,933 --> 00:04:06,373
- I DIDN'T SWING TO KILL!
I WAS JUST SWINGING!
101
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,300
- YOU MURDERED HIM.
- I DIDN'T MURDER ANYTHING.
102
00:04:08,333 --> 00:04:10,103
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY RELAX, ALL RIGHT?
103
00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:11,533
WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
OH, MY GOD.
104
00:04:11,567 --> 00:04:12,927
- YOU MURDERED HIM.
105
00:04:12,967 --> 00:04:14,767
- HEY, LET'S ALL AGREE
THAT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, RIGHT?
106
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,270
- YES. YES.
- I HAVE TO REPORT THIS.
107
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I HAVE TO.
- NO. NO, NO, NO.
108
00:04:17,533 --> 00:04:19,073
- NO. NOBODY'S REPORTING
ANYTHING, ALL RIGHT?
109
00:04:19,067 --> 00:04:20,367
- I'M REPORTING IT.
I HAVE TO.
110
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:21,930
- NO, YOU'RE NOT REPORTING IT.
LET ME HANDLE IT.
111
00:04:21,967 --> 00:04:23,067
- I'M GONNA REPORT IT.
112
00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:24,300
THE SECOND I'M OUT OF HERE,
113
00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:26,333
I'M TELLING EVERYONE
THAT YOU MURDERED IT.
114
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,367
AND YOU PROBABLY HAD SOMETHING
TO DO WITH IT TOO.
115
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:29,970
I'M GONNA TELL.
I'M GONNA TELL. I'M GONNA--
116
00:04:32,967 --> 00:04:34,597
- ALL RIGHT,
HERE'S WHAT SAY,
117
00:04:34,633 --> 00:04:36,873
THE ALIEN SHOT THE DOCTOR
AND THEN YOU SHOT THE ALIEN.
118
00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:39,900
- WAIT, WITH YOUR GUN?
- I GAVE IT TO YOU.
119
00:04:39,933 --> 00:04:41,373
- WHAT ABOUT THE HAMMER?
120
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,430
- AND THEN YOU BEAT IT
WITH THE HAMMER.
121
00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:46,067
- OKAY.
- OH, MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED?
122
00:04:46,067 --> 00:04:47,367
IS HE DEAD?
123
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,830
- THE ALIEN SHOT THE DOCTOR
SO I SHOT THE ALIEN.
124
00:04:49,867 --> 00:04:52,167
UH, HE GAVE ME HIS GUN
TO DO IT.
125
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,570
- YEAH.
- THE ALIEN'S STILL SHACKLED.
126
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:57,070
I DON'T GET THIS.
I GOTTA GET HELP.
127
00:04:59,267 --> 00:05:00,627
- NOW WHAT DO WE DO?
128
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,267
- UH, WE CAN'T SAY
THEY DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES.
129
00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:03,670
- NO.
- ALL RIGHT.
130
00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:05,800
UH, WE SAY THAT YOU DRAPED
A SHEET OVER THE ALIEN, RIGHT?
131
00:05:05,833 --> 00:05:08,273
THEN FRANK CAME IN
AND THOUGHT IT WAS A CHAIR.
132
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:09,670
SO HE SAT ON IT
AND THEN THE ALIEN DIED.
133
00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,330
AND THEN HE FELL OVER BACKWARDS
AND HIT HIS HEAD.
134
00:05:11,367 --> 00:05:12,467
AND HE DIED.
135
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:14,300
AND HIS GUN WENT OFF
AND SHOT THE DOCTOR.
136
00:05:14,333 --> 00:05:16,873
THEN THE ALIEN GOT UP
AND SHOT FRANK IN THE CHEST.
137
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:17,970
- GREAT. OKAY.
- GOOD.
138
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,067
WE GOT IT.
- WE GOT IT. OKAY.
139
00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:20,370
[person approaches]
140
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,700
HO HO.
- YEAH.
141
00:05:25,733 --> 00:05:28,103
- [exhales] NOW WHAT
DO WE DO?
142
00:05:31,167 --> 00:05:35,367
- WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S NOT OUR ONLY PROBLEM.
143
00:05:36,433 --> 00:05:40,303
- [bleep].
- YEAH, I KNOW.
144
00:05:40,333 --> 00:05:43,073
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA KILL ME,
ARE YOU?
145
00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:47,167
- NO.
146
00:05:49,667 --> 00:05:52,227
- THAT'LL WORK.
147
00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:54,227
- NEXT.
- HEY.
148
00:05:54,267 --> 00:05:55,897
I THINK IT WOULD BE COOL
TO WEAR BOWLING SHOES
149
00:05:55,933 --> 00:05:57,533
TO A BOWLING ALLEY.
150
00:05:57,567 --> 00:05:58,797
AND THEN WHEN YOU GET THERE,
151
00:05:58,833 --> 00:06:01,503
YOU GIVE THEM BOWLING SHOES
TO GET A DIFFERENT PAIR
152
00:06:01,533 --> 00:06:04,703
OF BOWLING SHOES.
153
00:06:04,733 --> 00:06:08,273
THINK ABOUT IT.
ALL RIGHT.
154
00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:03,203
- WHY IS STRATEGY IMPORTANT?
155
00:07:03,233 --> 00:07:05,333
- STRATIT--STRAGIC--
156
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:06,767
OH, NOW I CAN'T
PRONOUNCE IT.
157
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,630
- STRATEGY. YEAH.
STRA-TE-GY.
158
00:07:08,667 --> 00:07:10,567
- STRA-TE-GY?
- YEAH?
159
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,670
TRAGEDY. OH, NO.
- OKAY.
160
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,070
- STRATEGY.
161
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:16,467
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT
162
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:19,270
BECAUSE YOU CAN PLAN
WITH THAT.
163
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:22,400
AND THEN, LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,
IT'S A WAR TIME.
164
00:07:22,433 --> 00:07:25,403
YOU HAVE TO DO "STRATERY."
165
00:07:25,433 --> 00:07:27,473
[cheers and applause]
166
00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:29,500
- THERE ARE A LOT OF STRATEGIES
THAT DEPENDING
167
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:32,833
ON WHEN YOU USE THEM CAN BE
GOOD, BAD, OR INTERESTING.
168
00:07:32,867 --> 00:07:34,067
I'LL SHOW YOU NOW
IN A SEGMENT
169
00:07:34,067 --> 00:07:36,397
CALLED GOOD, BAD,
INTERESTING.
170
00:07:36,433 --> 00:07:37,903
SCREAMING.
171
00:07:37,933 --> 00:07:41,203
GOOD, WARNING ABOUT DANGER.
172
00:07:41,233 --> 00:07:43,833
BAD, BEING HANDED
YOUR ADOPTED BABY.
173
00:07:43,867 --> 00:07:45,527
[laughter]
174
00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:47,767
INTERESTING...
175
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:51,200
EVERY TIME YOU WAKE UP.
176
00:07:51,233 --> 00:07:53,703
THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING.
177
00:07:53,733 --> 00:07:57,073
COUNTING BACKWARDS
FROM TEN.
178
00:07:57,067 --> 00:08:00,127
GOOD, LAUNCHING A ROCKET.
179
00:08:00,167 --> 00:08:01,867
BAD, WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND
HAS JUST ASKED YOU
180
00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:02,930
IF YOU LOVE HER.
181
00:08:02,967 --> 00:08:07,327
[laughter]
182
00:08:07,367 --> 00:08:09,327
INTERESTING,
WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO FART.
183
00:08:09,367 --> 00:08:14,097
[laughter]
184
00:08:14,133 --> 00:08:16,303
YELLING "HELP."
185
00:08:16,333 --> 00:08:19,073
GOOD, WHEN YOU'RE STUCK
IN AN ELEVATOR.
186
00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:20,797
BAD, WHEN YOU'RE FLUNKING
A TEST.
187
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:23,603
[laughter]
188
00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:27,073
HELP!
189
00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:29,200
INTERESTING,
WHEN IN AN ELEVATOR
190
00:08:29,233 --> 00:08:31,073
AND IT'S NOT STUCK.
191
00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:33,527
[laughter and applause]
192
00:08:33,567 --> 00:08:35,167
STOP, DROP, AND ROLL.
193
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,170
GOOD, IF YOU'RE ON FIRE.
194
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,830
BAD, IF YOU'RE BEING FIRED.
195
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:43,867
[laughter]
196
00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:45,530
INTERESTING,
IF YOU'RE A WAITER.
197
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:46,967
[laughter]
198
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:47,967
"WHERE'S OUR FOOD?"
199
00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:52,167
"UH, IT'S ALL OVER HERE."
200
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,970
THE SILENT TREATMENT.
201
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,627
GOOD, TO WIN AN ARGUMENT.
202
00:08:56,667 --> 00:08:59,067
BAD, FOR A HOSTAGE
NEGOTIATION.
203
00:08:59,067 --> 00:09:02,297
[laughter]
204
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,903
INTERESTING,
FOR FIGHTING HEMORRHOIDS.
205
00:09:04,933 --> 00:09:07,073
[laughter]
206
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,870
* LOOK, LOOK, LOOK
207
00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:18,273
* LOOK, LOOK, LOOK
208
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,500
- WELCOME BACK
TO PROPERTY COURT.
209
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,803
THE JUDGE WILL NOW HEAR
THE NEXT CASE.
210
00:09:28,833 --> 00:09:30,303
THE PLAINTIFF, MILTON,
211
00:09:30,333 --> 00:09:32,433
CLAIMS THE DEFENDANT,
HIS NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR,
212
00:09:32,467 --> 00:09:35,067
BUILT A FENCE FIVE FEET
ONTO HIS PROPERTY.
213
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:37,267
HE IS SUING FOR THE COST
OF MOVING THE FENCE
214
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:39,900
AND FOR THE REPAIRS
TO HIS GRASS AND LANDSCAPING
215
00:09:39,933 --> 00:09:43,273
FOR A TOTAL OF $684.
216
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:48,300
- THE DEFENDANT, JOE,
IS COUNTERSUING THE PLAINTIFF.
217
00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:49,803
HE CLAIMS THE PLAINTIFF
ATTACKED HIM
218
00:09:49,833 --> 00:09:51,303
WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER,
219
00:09:51,333 --> 00:09:53,733
SHOT HIM MULTIPLE TIMES
WITH A RIFLE,
220
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,227
STABBED HIM IN THE EYE,
BROKE HIS NECK,
221
00:09:56,267 --> 00:09:58,927
RAPED HIM, AND ATTEMPTED
TO BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE
222
00:09:58,967 --> 00:10:03,197
AFTER BREAKING INTO IT
AND ROBBING HIM OF $875,
223
00:10:03,233 --> 00:10:04,903
WHICH WAS HIS RENT MONEY.
224
00:10:04,933 --> 00:10:06,303
HIS CLAIMS
OF ATTEMPTED MURDER,
225
00:10:06,333 --> 00:10:08,073
AGGRAVATED ASSAULT,
BATTERY,
226
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,700
ATTEMPTED ARSON,
AND BREAKING AND ENTERING,
227
00:10:10,733 --> 00:10:13,633
PLUS THE $875 IN STOLEN
RENT MONEY
228
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:18,267
TOTAL $22,000,875
IN DAMAGES.
229
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:20,900
HE ALSO CLAIMS HE'S WILLING
TO DROP THE CHARGES
230
00:10:20,933 --> 00:10:24,433
IF THE PLAINTIFF IS WILLING
TO DROP HIS CHARGES.
231
00:10:31,067 --> 00:10:33,897
- WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME
WHAT HAPPENED?
232
00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:35,303
- SURE, YOUR HONOR.
233
00:10:35,333 --> 00:10:37,703
UH, JOE HERE
BUILT A-A FENCE.
234
00:10:37,733 --> 00:10:39,573
AND WHEN HE WAS DONE,
IT WAS 5 FEET
235
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,070
INSIDE MY PROPERTY LINE.
236
00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:45,070
- WHAT IS YOUR RESPONSE
TO THE DEFENDANT'S CLAIMS?
237
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,400
- I COULDN'T HAVE DONE
ANY OF THAT.
238
00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:50,633
I'VE GOT A WEAK HEART
AND SERIOUS ARTHRITIS.
239
00:10:50,667 --> 00:10:53,167
- JOE.
240
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,770
- YES, YOUR HONOR.
241
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,870
- DID YOU BUILD THE FENCE
ON HIS PROPERTY?
242
00:10:57,900 --> 00:11:00,630
- NO.
243
00:11:00,667 --> 00:11:02,797
NO. I DID NOT.
244
00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,203
- ONE OF YOU
IS NOT TELLING ME THE TRUTH.
245
00:11:05,233 --> 00:11:08,973
WOULD YOU PLEASE
BOTH APPROACH THE BENCH.
246
00:11:12,967 --> 00:11:15,797
- [bleep].
247
00:11:15,833 --> 00:11:20,803
OW. OW.
OH, OW, OW.
248
00:11:20,833 --> 00:11:25,603
- WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE PROPERTY COURT.
249
00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:30,873
- * THIS IS THE SKETCH
- YES, IT IS.
250
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:33,700
- * THIS IS THE SKETCH
- THAT'S RIGHT.
251
00:11:33,733 --> 00:11:35,533
- * THIS IS THE SKETCH
- SKETCH IT UP.
252
00:11:35,567 --> 00:11:37,667
- * IT'S THE SKETCH
- SKETCH.
253
00:11:37,700 --> 00:11:40,070
- [playing blues piano]
254
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,700
* HERE'S A STRATEGY
255
00:11:42,733 --> 00:11:44,833
* I'D LIKE
TO TELL YOU ABOUT *
256
00:11:44,867 --> 00:11:48,097
* SOMETHING YOU COULD USE
257
00:11:48,133 --> 00:11:52,273
* YEAH
258
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:55,930
* IF SOMEONE THROWS
A PIE AT YOUR FACE *
259
00:11:55,967 --> 00:12:00,167
* JUST OPEN YOUR MOUTH
REALLY WIDE AND SAY *
260
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:05,100
* "THANKS FOR FEEDING ME,
ASS[bleep]" *
261
00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:10,073
* PIE IN THE FACE
SICK RECEPTION STRATEGY *
262
00:12:11,867 --> 00:12:14,397
[cheers and applause]
263
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:18,703
- * YAH YAH
- NOW IS COMMERCIAL.
264
00:12:24,233 --> 00:12:27,403
[people chattering]
265
00:12:27,433 --> 00:12:30,403
[guitar music]
266
00:12:30,433 --> 00:12:32,303
*
267
00:12:32,333 --> 00:12:34,233
- * I REALLY WANT
A SECOND SLICE OF PIZZA *
268
00:12:34,267 --> 00:12:36,797
* BUT NOT EVERYONE'S HAD
THEIR FIRST YET *
269
00:12:36,833 --> 00:12:38,233
* WHAT DO I DO?
270
00:12:38,267 --> 00:12:40,597
* I COULD ASK EVERYONE
IN THE GROUP FOR PERMISSION *
271
00:12:40,633 --> 00:12:42,173
* BUT THAT WON'T DO
272
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,930
* THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE
273
00:12:43,967 --> 00:12:46,597
* IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S
ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE SLICE *
274
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:49,903
* FOR EACH PERSON
IN THIS GROUP, DAMN *
275
00:12:49,933 --> 00:12:51,503
* I DON'T WANT TO
LOOK LIKE A PRICK *
276
00:12:51,533 --> 00:12:53,073
* I'LL JUST CREATE
A DISTRACTION *
277
00:12:53,067 --> 00:12:54,367
* WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?
278
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:57,370
* HERE COMES MY SECOND SLICE
279
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,470
[people chattering]
280
00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:07,330
- DIRTBAG JUST TOOK
ANOTHER SLICE.
281
00:13:07,367 --> 00:13:09,267
- * IT'S THE NEXT THING
282
00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:13,070
* NEXT THING TO SEE
283
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:16,767
- NOW BACK TO SHERLOCK HOLMES:
VICTORIAN BACHELOR.
284
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:20,230
[laughter and chatter]
285
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:24,227
- WHOA! OHO HO!
- OHO HO, MR. HOLMES!
286
00:13:24,267 --> 00:13:25,397
- PLEASE EXCUSE US,
GENTLEMEN,
287
00:13:25,433 --> 00:13:27,773
WE HAVE TO GO
POWDER OUR NOSES.
288
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,670
- OH. SOUNDS FUN.
POWDER AWAY. POWDER AWAY.
289
00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:35,700
- HURRY BACK.
- GET THOSE NOSES POWDERED.
290
00:13:35,733 --> 00:13:37,873
YOUR DEDUCTION, HOLMES.
291
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,700
- FIRST, WATSON,
MISS BILLINGS HAD NOT ONE,
292
00:13:39,733 --> 00:13:40,873
BUT TWO WHISKEYS
WITH DINNER.
293
00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:42,300
- YES.
294
00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:44,233
- I'M SURE YOU NOTICED
MISS SINCLAIR'S TEETH CHATTERING
295
00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:45,327
ALL THROUGH THE MEAL.
296
00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:46,667
A CONSEQUENCE, I BELIEVE,
OF THE FACT
297
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,270
THAT SHE WAS NOT WEARING
ANY UNDERGARMENTS.
298
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:49,270
- SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
299
00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:50,500
- WHAT IT MEANS, WATSON,
300
00:13:50,533 --> 00:13:52,173
IS THAT WE'RE DEALING
WITH A COUPLE OF TARTS.
301
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,170
- TARTS.
- YES.
302
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,230
- YOU DON'T MEAN...
303
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:55,827
- YES, WE'RE GOING
TO GET LAID.
304
00:13:55,867 --> 00:13:57,867
- OH, WE'RE GOING
TO GET LAID.
305
00:13:57,900 --> 00:13:59,730
- YES. YES.
- I WANT TO GET LAID.
306
00:13:59,767 --> 00:14:01,127
OH, I WANT TO GET--
OH, I WANT TO GET--
307
00:14:01,167 --> 00:14:05,127
- EASY, EASY, BUDDY.
EASY.
308
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:06,667
- HELLO. HELLO, LADIES.
309
00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:11,400
- GENTLEMEN, CAN WE
INTEREST YOU IN A GAME?
310
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:12,573
[ladies laugh]
311
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,600
- BRILLIANT. YES.
312
00:14:14,633 --> 00:14:18,403
- IT'S CALLED CLUE.
IT'S A NEW MYSTERY BOARD GAME.
313
00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:20,933
- OH, UH, A BOARD GAME.
314
00:14:20,967 --> 00:14:24,397
- YES. I DO LOVE
A GOOD MYSTERY.
315
00:14:24,433 --> 00:14:26,173
- YOU BROUGHT A BOARD GAME
WITH YOU.
316
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,470
- I DID.
317
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:31,800
[laughter]
318
00:14:31,833 --> 00:14:33,633
- THE MURDER WAS DONE
IN THE STUDY
319
00:14:33,667 --> 00:14:35,597
BY MISS SCARLET
WITH THE WRENCH.
320
00:14:35,633 --> 00:14:36,933
- OH.
- HO HO.
321
00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:39,697
YES, SIR. SIR.
- LOOK, OPEN THE ENVELOPE.
322
00:14:39,733 --> 00:14:41,933
- THE GAME'S ALMOST OVER.
323
00:14:41,967 --> 00:14:45,427
- OH! I WON!
- OH, BRAVO! [laughs]
324
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:47,227
- I PICKED SHERLOCK HOLMES.
325
00:14:47,267 --> 00:14:49,927
- YEAH, THE GAME IS OVER.
326
00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:51,727
NOW, LADIES, THEN LET'S SOLVE
THE MYSTERY
327
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,267
OF WHO'S GOING TO TAKE OFF
MY PANTS.
328
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:55,170
- AH!
- AH! OH.
329
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:59,470
- TO THE BEDROOM!
- THERE'S ONE PROBLEM.
330
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:02,270
MISS SCARLET IS
COMPLETELY INNOCENT.
331
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:04,970
- HE'S JUST JOKING.
YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT, HOLMES?
332
00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:09,297
- JUSTICE IS NO JOKE,
WATSON.
333
00:15:09,333 --> 00:15:11,173
NOW...
- OH.
334
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,770
- MISS SCARLET SEEMS GUILTY
FOR ONE REASON.
335
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:17,400
SHE WAS FRAMED
BY COLONEL MUSTARD.
336
00:15:17,433 --> 00:15:19,203
MUSTARD.
337
00:15:19,233 --> 00:15:21,903
AN IMPOSTER WITH A NAME
I'M SURE YOU'VE NOTICED
338
00:15:21,933 --> 00:15:23,503
IS NOT OF KNOWN
ANGLO-SAXON ORIGIN.
339
00:15:23,533 --> 00:15:25,603
- PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.
- WATSON, I'M THINKING.
340
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:26,803
SILENCE.
341
00:15:26,833 --> 00:15:28,903
MRS. PEACOCK, I DOUBT THAT.
342
00:15:28,933 --> 00:15:31,103
BEFORE IT IS MUSTARD.
BUT HOW?
343
00:15:31,133 --> 00:15:32,233
THERE'S NO STRUGGLE
344
00:15:32,267 --> 00:15:34,067
AND NO SCUFF MARKS
ON THESE SMALL FLOORS.
345
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:37,727
GUN? NO. TOO LOUD.
CANDLESTICK, TOO HEAVY.
346
00:15:37,767 --> 00:15:40,227
SO YOU SEE,
IT WAS MONSIEUR MOUTARDE,
347
00:15:40,267 --> 00:15:43,467
FRENCH FOR MUSTARD,
WHO ASPHYXIATED PLUM
348
00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:47,270
WITH A TAPESTRY.
349
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:49,330
- LICORICE.
WHO WANTS SOME LICORICE?
350
00:15:49,367 --> 00:15:50,897
I'LL GO RUN AND GET SOME.
351
00:15:50,933 --> 00:15:54,073
- WELL, LOOKS LIKE
I'VE CRACKED ANOTHER CASE.
352
00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:57,600
- NO-HO, IT'S LATE.
IT'S LATE.
353
00:15:57,633 --> 00:16:02,573
- LADIES, I FOUND LICORICE.
AND OOPS... [laughs]
354
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,070
- GOOD-BYE, MR. WATSON.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE--
355
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:06,200
- HOME.
356
00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:09,133
- WE SHOULD TAKE A GROUP SHOWER.
WE COULD--
357
00:16:09,167 --> 00:16:11,097
- MOUTARDE.
358
00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:13,103
- DAMN IT, HOLMES!
WE COULD'VE HAD THEM!
359
00:16:13,133 --> 00:16:15,203
- THEY WERE SIMPLY STUNNED
BY MY COGNITIVE GIFTS.
360
00:16:15,233 --> 00:16:18,173
IN A DAY OR TWO, THEY'LL--
- OH, GOOD NIGHT.
361
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,100
- OFF TO PLEASURE YOURSELF
IN YOUR QUARTERS?
362
00:16:20,133 --> 00:16:22,403
- HOLMES, HOW DID YOU KNOW?
363
00:16:22,433 --> 00:16:25,303
- ELEMENTARY,
MY DEAR FRIEND.
364
00:16:25,333 --> 00:16:28,303
BUT THAT IS A STORY
FOR ANOTHER TIME.
365
00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:29,873
- THIS HAS BEEN
ANOTHER ADVENTURE
366
00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:33,500
OF SHERLOCK HOLMES:
VICTORIAN BACHELOR.
367
00:16:33,533 --> 00:16:34,733
- PWEH!
368
00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:37,197
- I SAW A MYSTERY NOVEL
IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE
369
00:16:37,233 --> 00:16:40,103
AND I WAS, LIKE, "WOW,
THIS IS EVEN MORE SO.
370
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:43,333
[laughter]
371
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:45,227
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?"
372
00:16:45,267 --> 00:16:46,767
[laughter]
373
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,400
IT'S A BURNING-HAND
POTHOLDER.
374
00:16:54,433 --> 00:16:56,073
SOMETIMES THERE'S A POT
THAT'S REALLY HOT
375
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:57,470
AND YOU NEED TO PICK IT UP.
376
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,830
SO THEN YOU PUT YOUR HAND
IN A POTHOLDER OR AN OVEN MITT,
377
00:16:59,867 --> 00:17:01,897
BUT THAT JUST LOOKS LAME.
378
00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:03,233
TRY THIS INSTEAD.
379
00:17:03,267 --> 00:17:05,727
PUT YOUR HAND IN WHAT LOOKS
LIKE ANOTHER HAND.
380
00:17:05,767 --> 00:17:08,397
BUT IT'S GOT LITTLE TUBES
THAT SHOOT FLAMES OUT OF THEM.
381
00:17:08,433 --> 00:17:09,703
SO WHEN YOU GO TO PICK UP
THE POT,
382
00:17:09,733 --> 00:17:11,733
IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR HAND
IS ON FIRE.
383
00:17:11,767 --> 00:17:13,797
THAT'S PRETTY BAD-ASS.
384
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:16,233
THESE ARE CHECKERS
THAT CHANGE COLORS.
385
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:18,897
IT'S FOR WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING
CHECKERS AND YOU'RE LOSING.
386
00:17:18,933 --> 00:17:20,073
YOU JUST FLIP A SWITCH
387
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:21,927
AND IT SENDS A SIGNAL
TO THE CHECKERS.
388
00:17:21,967 --> 00:17:23,497
NOW YOU'RE WINNING.
389
00:17:23,533 --> 00:17:24,973
KING ME.
390
00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:27,227
THIS IS FOR WHEN
YOU'RE ON A PLANE.
391
00:17:27,267 --> 00:17:28,797
SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO SLEEP
ON AN AIRPLANE
392
00:17:28,833 --> 00:17:30,073
SO YOU BRING A MASK.
393
00:17:30,067 --> 00:17:31,297
IT KEEPS THE LIGHT OUT,
394
00:17:31,333 --> 00:17:33,073
BUT IT DOESN'T STOP PEOPLE
FROM BOTHERING YOU
395
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,670
LIKE WHEN THEY TELL YOU
TO PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT
396
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:38,330
OR SOMETHING.
397
00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:39,397
THAT'S BULL[bleep].
398
00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:41,273
WELL, NOW THERE'S A SOLUTION.
399
00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:44,200
THE IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS
SLEEP MASK.
400
00:17:44,233 --> 00:17:46,603
NOBODY WANTS TO WAKE UP
A WOLF.
401
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:48,173
YOU GET TO SLEEP
LIKE A BABY
402
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,470
AND NOBODY BOTHERS YOU.
403
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,370
THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS TOO
404
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,570
LIKE THE GUY WITH SPIKES
COMING OUT OF HIS FACE
405
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:57,200
OR REALLY OLD, SCREAMING,
DEAD GUY, SLEEP MASK.
406
00:17:57,233 --> 00:17:58,703
THE SCARY SLEEP MASK,
407
00:17:58,733 --> 00:18:00,773
ONLY FROM IMPORTANT THINGS
THINGS.
408
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,500
YOU SHOULD BUY ONE.
409
00:18:45,233 --> 00:18:47,073
- I'D LIKE TO DEMONSTRATE
SOMETHING NOW.
410
00:18:47,067 --> 00:18:50,297
I NEED A VOLUNTEER
FROM THE AUDIENCE, PLEASE.
411
00:18:50,333 --> 00:18:53,803
HERE, THIS--THIS YOUNG LADY
RIGHT HERE, PLEASE.
412
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,703
COME ON UP.
413
00:18:55,733 --> 00:18:57,903
HEY. HOW YOU DOING?
YOU CAN COME HERE.
414
00:18:57,933 --> 00:18:59,073
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- JENNIFER.
415
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,067
- HEY, JENNIFER.
- HI.
416
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:01,300
- DEMETRI.
- HELLO.
417
00:19:01,333 --> 00:19:02,933
- UM, OKAY,
I NEED YOU TO STAND RIGHT--
418
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,067
RIGHT HERE IF YOU COULD.
419
00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:05,300
- OKAY.
- RIGHT THERE.
420
00:19:05,333 --> 00:19:07,873
OKAY, GREAT.
421
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:09,730
I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE
422
00:19:09,767 --> 00:19:12,267
SOME BASIC
SEDUCTION STRATEGIES.
423
00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:13,970
[laughter]
424
00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:17,327
[cheers and applause]
425
00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:18,827
[seductive music plays]
426
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:22,127
[laughter]
427
00:19:22,167 --> 00:19:30,167
*
428
00:19:33,267 --> 00:19:36,267
[laughter]
429
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:45,067
[laughter]
430
00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:54,567
[laughter]
431
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:05,267
[laughter]
432
00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:21,367
[laughter and applause]
433
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:37,467
[cheers and applause]
434
00:20:55,967 --> 00:20:58,297
[laughter]
435
00:20:58,333 --> 00:21:02,833
[applause]
436
00:21:02,867 --> 00:21:04,727
[bottle crashes]
- OOH, SORRY.
437
00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:19,130
IT DID NOT REALIZE
438
00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:22,067
THAT THERE WAS A SECOND
SECURITY CAMERA.
439
00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:24,227
AND IT IS MY PLEASURE
TO ANNOUNCE
440
00:21:24,267 --> 00:21:27,597
THAT WE CAN NOW PRESENT
THE NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN FOOTAGE
441
00:21:27,633 --> 00:21:29,673
OF YOUR HEROIC BATTLE
442
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:33,700
CAPTURED ON THAT SECOND
SECURITY CAMERA.
30967
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