Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:11,227
- HEY.
2
00:00:11,267 --> 00:00:13,527
WELCOME TO IMPORTANT THINGS.
MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN.
3
00:00:13,567 --> 00:00:16,927
TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS...
4
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:20,727
ATTENTION!
YOU GOT A SURPRISE, PEOPLE.
5
00:00:20,767 --> 00:00:21,897
DOWN HERE.
6
00:00:21,933 --> 00:00:24,103
TA-DA.
7
00:00:24,133 --> 00:00:26,233
PEOPLE DO ALL KINDS OF THINGS
FOR ATTENTION,
8
00:00:26,267 --> 00:00:27,467
LIKE THEY'LL GET
A CRAZY HAIRCUT.
9
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:29,800
"OH, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT MY HAIR."
10
00:00:29,833 --> 00:00:31,033
"OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT HIS HAIR.
11
00:00:31,067 --> 00:00:32,297
OH, HE PLAYS GUITAR TOO!"
12
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:34,303
THEY SHOULD BE PAYING ATTENTION
TO OTHER THINGS,
13
00:00:34,333 --> 00:00:35,873
LIKE A METEOR.
14
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,700
"AAH! WE'RE ON FIRE!
15
00:00:37,733 --> 00:00:39,473
WHY WERE WE LOOKING
AT HIS HAIR?"
16
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:42,700
ME, I GOT A TV SHOW
'CAUSE I NEED ATTENTION.
17
00:00:42,733 --> 00:00:44,033
[sighs]
GO.
18
00:00:44,067 --> 00:00:47,027
[upbeat rock music]
19
00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:55,067
*
20
00:00:58,967 --> 00:01:02,197
[cheers and applause]
21
00:01:02,233 --> 00:01:04,973
THANK YOU.
22
00:01:05,067 --> 00:01:07,767
THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.
THANKS.
23
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:08,800
WELCOME.
24
00:01:08,833 --> 00:01:11,533
THANK YOU.
25
00:01:11,567 --> 00:01:14,627
TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING
IS ATTENTION.
26
00:01:14,667 --> 00:01:16,427
OKAY, THAT'S
A VERY IMPORTANT THING--
27
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:18,167
A LOT OF WAYS
TO COME AT THIS THING.
28
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,070
LET'S SEE.
WE COULD...
29
00:01:21,067 --> 00:01:22,127
DO FIREWORKS,
30
00:01:22,167 --> 00:01:24,967
THE OPPOSITE
OF FIREWORKS...
31
00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:26,327
[laughter]
32
00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:27,967
I GUESS THAT WOULD BE
JUST UNEXPLODING THEM.
33
00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:29,097
THAT'S GONNA BE HARD.
34
00:01:29,133 --> 00:01:30,603
I'M NOT SURE
HOW TO DO THAT.
35
00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:32,973
OR JOKES.
36
00:01:33,067 --> 00:01:36,097
HMM.
37
00:01:36,133 --> 00:01:38,573
ALL RIGHT.
UH, JOKES.
38
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,270
IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE GETTING
PEOPLE TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU
39
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:43,400
IN A CONVERSATION,
JUST COUNT DOWN
40
00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:45,903
BEFORE THE THING
YOU'RE GONNA SAY.
41
00:01:45,933 --> 00:01:50,803
"FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE,
WE SHOULD GET ITALIAN FOOD."
42
00:01:50,833 --> 00:01:53,703
[laughter and applause]
43
00:01:53,733 --> 00:01:57,233
"WOW.
44
00:01:57,267 --> 00:01:59,897
"WOW, MARK,
THAT IDEA REALLY TOOK OFF.
45
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,267
"I GUESS WE'RE GONNA...
46
00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:02,430
GET ITALIAN FOOD, OKAY."
47
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:06,827
SOMETIMES
I'LL BE READING A BOOK,
48
00:02:06,867 --> 00:02:10,627
AND THE FIRST LETTER
OF THE CHAPTER IS REALLY BIG.
49
00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:13,567
AND THEN THEY GET SMALL
RIGHT AWAY.
50
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,400
IT'S LIKE THERE WAS A GUY
PRINTING THE BOOK,
51
00:02:15,433 --> 00:02:17,833
AND HE WAS LIKE,
"AH, I'M GONNA MAKE A HUGE BOOK.
52
00:02:17,867 --> 00:02:18,927
I'M GONNA MAKE A HUGE BOOK."
53
00:02:18,967 --> 00:02:20,827
AND THEN A GUY RAN IN
AND WAS LIKE,
54
00:02:20,867 --> 00:02:22,667
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
55
00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:24,100
"THAT FONT SIZE
IS WAY TOO BIG.
56
00:02:24,133 --> 00:02:26,303
"WE CAN'T MAKE A BOOK THIS BIG.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
57
00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:29,103
TAKE IT DOWN, MAN.
TAKE IT DOWN."
58
00:02:29,133 --> 00:02:30,403
HE WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."
59
00:02:30,433 --> 00:02:32,673
AND THEN IT'S JUST,
LIKE, SMALL WORDS.
60
00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:34,400
THEN HE GETS
TO THE NEXT CHAPTER,
61
00:02:34,433 --> 00:02:37,073
AND HE'S LIKE...
62
00:02:37,067 --> 00:02:39,527
"I'M GONNA MAKE
A BIG BOOK."
63
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:40,797
AND THE GUY'S LIKE--COMES IN,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
64
00:02:40,833 --> 00:02:43,233
I TOLD YOU."
65
00:02:43,267 --> 00:02:45,267
AND THE GUY KEEPS COMING IN,
LIKE, ONE LETTER TOO LATE.
66
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:46,600
HE'S LIKE, "DAMN IT."
67
00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:49,603
SOMETIMES IF I NEED
TO GET SOMEONE'S ATTENTION,
68
00:02:49,633 --> 00:02:51,133
I'LL START A SENTENCE
WITH, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
69
00:02:51,167 --> 00:02:53,797
I'LL SAY,
"LOOK, I CAN'T GO."
70
00:02:53,833 --> 00:02:55,333
YOU KNOW?
71
00:02:55,367 --> 00:02:56,967
IF I REALLY NEED
THEIR ATTENTION, I'LL SAY,
72
00:02:57,067 --> 00:02:58,297
"LISTEN,
73
00:02:58,333 --> 00:03:01,203
I'M BEING SERIOUS."
74
00:03:01,233 --> 00:03:03,673
AND IF I REALLY, REALLY NEED
THEIR ATTENTION,
75
00:03:03,700 --> 00:03:06,630
I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"SMELL...
76
00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:09,467
[laughter]
77
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:12,730
"I HAVE TO GO HOME.
78
00:03:12,767 --> 00:03:17,227
THAT SMELL IS ME.
I'VE HAD A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT."
79
00:03:17,267 --> 00:03:21,297
[mellow guitar music]
80
00:03:21,333 --> 00:03:25,973
* THIS IS A SEGUE
81
00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:27,767
* THIS IS A SEGUE
82
00:03:29,867 --> 00:03:32,067
- DETECTIVE STONE,
83
00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:34,367
I BELIEVE YOU'RE WORKING
OUT OF YOUR JURISDICTION.
84
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,630
- I GOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE STASHED
TO PUT YOU AWAY
85
00:03:36,667 --> 00:03:37,667
FOR A LIFETIME.
86
00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:40,070
- I DON'T THINK SO.
87
00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:43,567
YOU'VE BEEN A THORN IN MY SIDE
FOR FAR TOO LONG.
88
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,070
- AND THE HEDGES
ARE ABOUT TO GET TRIMMED, BABY.
89
00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:47,227
SNIP, SNIP.
90
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:57,567
- YOUR HEROICS COST ME
$20 MILLION--
91
00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,270
THE PRICE OF A ONE-WAY TICKET
TO HELL.
92
00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,270
- YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT
A ROUND-TRIP TICKET.
93
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:04,500
BUT THAT WOULD COST
ANOTHER $20 MILLION--
94
00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:07,073
TOO EXPENSIVE.
95
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,567
- EXCUSE ME.
- WHAT?
96
00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:21,767
- WHAT'S UP?
97
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,300
- YOU'RE A HENCHMAN.
98
00:04:23,333 --> 00:04:24,903
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO STAND AROUND THE PLACE
99
00:04:24,933 --> 00:04:26,273
AND LOOK...
100
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,670
THREATENING!
101
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,270
AND NOT TALK.
102
00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:31,070
- YOU DON'T LIKE MY ONE-LINERS?
- NO, I DON'T.
103
00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:32,827
I'M THE ONE THAT TALKS.
YOU SHUT UP.
104
00:04:32,867 --> 00:04:34,067
THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS.
105
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:35,100
- OKAY,
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.
106
00:04:35,133 --> 00:04:36,573
- WELL,
I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP.
107
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,070
SO KNOCK IT OFF, OR I'LL SHOVE
A RIFLE DOWN YOUR THROAT.
108
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:42,067
- GOT IT.
109
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,570
NO ONE-LINERS.
110
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,700
- I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU,
DETECTIVE STONE.
111
00:04:46,733 --> 00:04:48,773
I THOUGHT
YOU WERE SMARTER THAN THIS.
112
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,270
- THOUGHT YOU COULD BE
THE HERO,
113
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:54,130
BUT YOU COULDN'T EVEN SAVE
YOURSELF.
114
00:04:56,333 --> 00:04:58,733
- IT'S TIME
FOR THIS GAME TO END.
115
00:04:58,767 --> 00:05:01,497
IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO DIE.
116
00:05:01,533 --> 00:05:05,433
- 11:30--
THAT'S DYING TIME.
117
00:05:07,133 --> 00:05:08,533
- WHAT?
118
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:10,797
I DIDN'T DO ANY ONE-LINERS.
I WAS STATING THE OBVIOUS.
119
00:05:10,833 --> 00:05:13,073
- LET ME MAKE THIS SIMPLE
FOR YOU.
120
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:16,070
YOU TALK, I KILL YOU.
121
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,297
- OKAY.
122
00:05:18,333 --> 00:05:19,633
UNDERSTOOD.
123
00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:27,627
- SO IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT
TO SAY BEFORE I KILL YOU?
124
00:05:27,667 --> 00:05:29,127
- ONLY THIS.
125
00:05:29,167 --> 00:05:31,067
- DON'T TALK. HE DOESN'T LIKE IT
WHEN PEOPLE TALK.
126
00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:32,127
- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!
127
00:05:32,167 --> 00:05:33,597
- SEE.
128
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:36,770
- [sighs]
129
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,270
- I KNOW YOUR UNCLE WAS
A FRIEND OF MINE,
130
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,130
BUT IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP,
TRUST ME,
131
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:42,327
I WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF
WITH AN AX.
132
00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:45,067
- OKAY, HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS--
MESSAGE RECEIVED.
133
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:46,970
- VINCENT, I CAN EXPLAIN.
134
00:05:47,067 --> 00:05:48,797
- THERE'S NO NEED.
135
00:05:48,833 --> 00:05:50,933
IT'S GONNA BE A SHAME
TO DESTROY
136
00:05:50,967 --> 00:05:53,227
A FACE AS BEAUTIFUL
AS YOURS.
137
00:05:53,267 --> 00:05:56,327
- OH, EXCUSE ME.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
138
00:05:56,367 --> 00:05:58,067
BUT I COULD DRAW A MUSTACHE
ON HER FACE,
139
00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,497
IT WON'T BE AS BEAUTIFUL, WON'T
BE AS MUCH OF A SHAME MAYBE.
140
00:06:00,533 --> 00:06:01,933
OKAY.
141
00:06:01,967 --> 00:06:04,297
I'VE GOT A SHARPIE.
142
00:06:05,967 --> 00:06:07,567
YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO RUIN A PRETTY FACE,
143
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:08,930
SO I JUST THOUGHT
IF I PUT A MUSTACHE ON IT,
144
00:06:08,967 --> 00:06:10,067
IT'S LESS PRETTY.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS.
145
00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:11,127
I WAS JUST PITCHING
AN IDEA.
146
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:12,397
I DID NOT MEAN
TO RUIN THE MOMENT
147
00:06:12,433 --> 00:06:14,833
OR THE MOMENTUM
OR ANYTHING, SO I'M SORRY,
148
00:06:14,867 --> 00:06:16,627
AND IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
149
00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:19,067
WE OKAY?
150
00:06:21,333 --> 00:06:23,773
- SO I GUESS NOW THE FUN
IS REALLY OVER.
151
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,330
THE THREE OF YOU HAVE SCREWED ME
OVER FOR THE LAST TIME,
152
00:06:26,367 --> 00:06:28,327
AND I'M NOT A MAN
WHO LIKES TO BE SCREWED WITH.
153
00:06:28,367 --> 00:06:32,927
AND SO, MY FRIENDS,
I BID YOU A FOND ADIEU.
154
00:06:32,967 --> 00:06:36,867
- WAIT.
COULD WE HAVE AN A-DON'T?
155
00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:40,270
[all chuckling]
156
00:06:45,933 --> 00:06:48,903
[mellow acoustic guitar music]
157
00:06:48,933 --> 00:06:50,973
*
158
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:55,070
LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT SOME DATA.
159
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:56,300
THERE WE GO.
160
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:59,373
NOW I THINK SIGNS
WOULD BE MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE
161
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,670
AT GETTING PEOPLE'S ATTENTION
162
00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:02,200
IF THEY ADDED
A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THEM.
163
00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:05,273
LIKE, SAY, STOP,
IF IT WAS LIKE, "PSSST...STOP."
164
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,570
[laughter]
165
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,070
LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.
166
00:07:08,067 --> 00:07:09,067
"YOU'RE, LIKE,
WHISPERING THIS TO ME.
167
00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:10,300
"IT'S VERY INTIMATE.
168
00:07:10,333 --> 00:07:11,573
I SHOULD SLOW DOWN.
I SHOULD STOP RIGHT HERE."
169
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,100
OR YIELD.
170
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,973
IF IT WAS LIKE,
"FREE BEER!!! YIELD."
171
00:07:17,633 --> 00:07:19,703
KEEP OFF GRASS.
172
00:07:19,733 --> 00:07:21,503
"BOOBS.
KEEP OFF GRASS."
173
00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:23,403
[laughter]
174
00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:24,873
THAT ONE'S REALLY GOOD,
'CAUSE IT ALSO MEANS,
175
00:07:24,900 --> 00:07:26,730
LIKE, DON'T RUB YOUR BOOBS
IN THE GRASS.
176
00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:29,067
[laughter]
177
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,800
YOU DON'T WANT BOOB MARKS
ON THE GRASS.
178
00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:32,673
YOU'RE GONNA RIP UP
THE TURF,
179
00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:34,300
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE COLD.
180
00:07:34,333 --> 00:07:37,673
[laughter]
181
00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:40,900
OKAY, THIS IS HOW INTERESTED
YOU ARE IN YOUR KIDS.
182
00:07:40,933 --> 00:07:44,073
AND THIS IS HOW INTERESTED
I AM IN YOUR KIDS.
183
00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:48,167
[laughter]
184
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,300
THANKS.
185
00:07:49,333 --> 00:07:52,273
ALL RIGHT, NEXT.
186
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:53,600
GRILLED CHEESE.
187
00:07:53,633 --> 00:07:55,503
NOW, I NOTICED
THAT NOBODY EVER REALLY TALKS
188
00:07:55,533 --> 00:07:57,603
ABOUT A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH
UNLESS THEY WANT ONE.
189
00:07:57,633 --> 00:07:59,133
[laughter]
190
00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:01,567
THIS IS PEOPLE WHO WANT
GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES,
191
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,900
AND THIS IS TALK ABOUT.
192
00:08:04,933 --> 00:08:06,233
YOU DON'T REALLY HEAR PEOPLE
BEING LIKE,
193
00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:08,397
"OH, MAN, YOU REMEMBER
THAT GRILLED CHEESE
194
00:08:08,433 --> 00:08:11,173
"IN THE SUMMER OF 2004?
195
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,730
OH, YEAH, THE SUMMER
OF GRILLED CHEESE."
196
00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:16,527
THAT'S THE INTERESTING AREA
RIGHT HERE.
197
00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:19,367
THIS IS THAT PART BLOWN UP.
198
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,500
THAT'S PEOPLE WHO TALK
ABOUT GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES
199
00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:24,103
BUT DON'T WANT ONE.
200
00:08:24,133 --> 00:08:25,303
IT'S VERY RARE.
201
00:08:25,333 --> 00:08:28,733
WHAT'S REALLY INTERESTING
IS RIGHT NOW,
202
00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:30,197
I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
203
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:37,470
[funky jazz music]
204
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:45,500
*
205
00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:03,773
- HERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN DO
FOR ATTENTION.
206
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,070
OUCH, OUCH.
OH, OW, OW.
207
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:08,870
- * SOMETIMES
YOU NEED A SMILE *
208
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:11,570
* A CANINE FRIEND
CAN MAKE YOU SMILE *
209
00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:16,933
* BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG
210
00:09:19,933 --> 00:09:22,403
- YES.
211
00:09:22,433 --> 00:09:25,603
I UNDERSTAND.
212
00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:28,103
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR CALLING.
213
00:09:28,133 --> 00:09:31,233
- WHAT HAPPENED?
214
00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:34,067
- [sighs]
THAT WAS AUNT SUE.
215
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:35,600
NANA JUST PASSED.
216
00:09:35,633 --> 00:09:36,973
- I'M SO SORRY.
217
00:09:37,067 --> 00:09:38,367
[Bruce barks]
218
00:09:41,067 --> 00:09:45,067
NOT NOW, BRUCE.
219
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,527
- HE'S DRESSED
JUST LIKE HER.
220
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:53,470
- * BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG
221
00:10:01,867 --> 00:10:05,427
- YOU'RE DRINKING AGAIN?
222
00:10:05,467 --> 00:10:09,427
- WE'RE GONNA LOSE THE HOUSE.
223
00:10:09,467 --> 00:10:11,627
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO, TAKE ANOTHER JOB?
224
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:13,297
- NO.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
225
00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:15,173
I-I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
226
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,770
WE DON'T HAVE
ANY OTHER OPTIONS.
227
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,870
- MAYBE WE CAN'T AFFORD
TO HAVE THIS BABY.
228
00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:25,100
[Bruce barks]
229
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:27,303
NOT NOW, BRUCE.
- GOD DAMN IT, BRUCE!
230
00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:32,803
- * BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG
231
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:33,903
- BRUCE.
232
00:10:36,833 --> 00:10:37,873
HEY.
233
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:40,030
CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE?
234
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,370
BRUCE...
235
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,400
I KNOW I WAS
A LITTLE HARD ON YOU BEFORE.
236
00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:51,433
I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE.
237
00:10:51,467 --> 00:10:53,367
BUT LISTEN.
238
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,900
THERE'S A RIGHT TIME
TO JOKE AROUND
239
00:10:54,933 --> 00:10:56,273
AND A WRONG TIME
TO JOKE AROUND.
240
00:10:56,300 --> 00:11:00,270
AM I MAKING ANY SENSE?
241
00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:02,600
BRUCE, THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
242
00:11:02,633 --> 00:11:05,603
COME ON.
243
00:11:05,633 --> 00:11:06,873
YOU GOTTA TURN IT OFF.
244
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:08,470
YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?
245
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:10,130
YOU'RE KIDDING RIGHT NOW.
246
00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:13,067
BRUCE, LET ME EXPLAIN IT
THIS WAY.
247
00:11:13,067 --> 00:11:16,067
COME ON!
ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?
248
00:11:16,067 --> 00:11:17,697
YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?
249
00:11:17,733 --> 00:11:20,103
YOU'RE GONNA DEADPAN ME?
250
00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:21,973
I'M NOT YOUR AUDIENCE.
251
00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:23,867
HA HA HA HA.
252
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,930
BRUCE IS A CONSTRUCTION WORKER.
253
00:11:25,967 --> 00:11:28,097
THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
254
00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:30,433
I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THE VERY THING
255
00:11:30,467 --> 00:11:33,397
THAT'S THE PROBLEM,
AND YOU'RE DOING IT.
256
00:11:33,433 --> 00:11:34,533
JESUS, BRUCE.
257
00:11:34,567 --> 00:11:36,567
I MEAN,
THAT'S JUST OFFENSIVE.
258
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:37,870
DO YOU SEE ANYBODY LAUGHING?
259
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,430
I DON'T HEAR
ANY LAUGHTER.
260
00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:41,227
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THIS JOKE IS.
261
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,927
WHAT'S YOUR CONCEPT?
262
00:11:42,967 --> 00:11:44,967
SOCCER CLOWN KING?
263
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:47,167
YOU'RE THE SOCCER CLOWN KING?
264
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,600
HEY, EVERYBODY,
THE SOCCER CLOWN KING'S HERE.
265
00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:51,933
WE'RE GONNA TALK
ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.
266
00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:53,067
TAKE IT OFF.
267
00:11:53,067 --> 00:11:55,867
THANK YOU. NOW...
GOD DAMN IT!
268
00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:57,630
OKAY, FINE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
269
00:11:57,667 --> 00:11:59,767
ALIENATE EVERYBODY, BRUCE.
270
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,470
GOOD LUCK.
BYE!
271
00:12:02,967 --> 00:12:06,597
- * BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG
272
00:12:06,633 --> 00:12:09,503
[cheers and applause]
273
00:12:09,533 --> 00:12:11,373
- * THIS IS A SKETCH
274
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,370
- * YES, IT IS
275
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,270
- * THIS IS A SKETCH
276
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,500
- * THAT'S RIGHT
277
00:12:15,533 --> 00:12:16,803
- * THIS IS A SKETCH
278
00:12:16,833 --> 00:12:18,073
- * SKETCH IT UP
279
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:19,300
- * IT'S A SKETCH
- * SKETCH
280
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:20,673
[cheers and applause]
281
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:23,470
- I'M VERY EXCITED
ABOUT MY GUEST TONIGHT.
282
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,570
UM, HE IS A MAN WHO--
283
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,300
YOU LIKE TO GET WOMEN'S
ATTENTION, I UNDERSTAND.
284
00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:29,973
- YEAH.
- AND HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
285
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:32,567
- I USUALLY JUST YELL AT THEM
OUT OF MY CAR WINDOW.
286
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,500
[laughter]
287
00:12:34,533 --> 00:12:35,833
- WHAT KINDS OF THINGS
DO YOU YELL?
288
00:12:35,867 --> 00:12:38,197
- UH, USUALLY, LIKE,
"NICE ASS"
289
00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:40,073
OR "WHERE ARE YOU HEADING?"
290
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:41,167
OR, LIKE...
291
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,100
[whistles and smooches]
292
00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:46,833
- AND WHAT ARE YOU--
WHAT ARE YOU AFTER?
293
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:49,427
- I'M LOOKING
FOR A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP--
294
00:12:49,467 --> 00:12:51,127
[laughter]
295
00:12:51,167 --> 00:12:52,327
THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.
296
00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:53,827
- DOES YOUR CAR
HAVE TINTED WINDOWS?
297
00:12:53,867 --> 00:12:56,427
- YEAH. YEAH.
298
00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:59,067
REALLY DARK TINT.
299
00:12:59,067 --> 00:13:01,367
BUT I ROLL--I ROLL DOWN.
300
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,070
- YOU ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN.
- YEAH, I'M NOT A CREEP.
301
00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:06,227
[laughter]
302
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:08,297
- WHY IS ATTENTION IMPORTANT?
303
00:13:08,333 --> 00:13:09,673
- ATTENTION?
304
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:12,670
ATTENTION--IF YOU GIVE
A LOT OF ATTENTION,
305
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:16,070
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
LOT OF THINGS,
306
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:19,867
YOU CAN FIGURE OUT
LOT OF THINGS,
307
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:23,330
AND IT HELPS YOU
TO GET AHEAD AGAIN.
308
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,170
[quirky piano music]
309
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:40,200
*
310
00:13:47,233 --> 00:13:49,433
- HOW YOU DOING?
311
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,800
[balloon pops]
312
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,870
[balloons popping]
313
00:14:14,433 --> 00:14:16,533
SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN APPLE.
314
00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:17,897
[cheers and applause]
315
00:14:17,933 --> 00:14:20,073
THERE ARE A LOT
OF WAYS TO GET ATTENTION THAT,
316
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:21,927
DEPENDING ON HOW
AND WHEN YOU USE THEM,
317
00:14:21,967 --> 00:14:23,967
CAN BE GOOD, BAD,
OR INTERESTING.
318
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:25,227
I'LL SHOW YOU
IN A SEGMENT CALLED
319
00:14:25,267 --> 00:14:27,627
"GOOD, BAD, INTERESTING."
320
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:28,797
HERE WE GO.
321
00:14:28,833 --> 00:14:31,103
PROPOSING A TOAST.
322
00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:33,073
GOOD--
YOU'RE THE BEST MAN.
323
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:36,400
BAD--YOU'RE THE BARTENDER
AT A WEDDING.
324
00:14:36,433 --> 00:14:38,403
[laughter]
325
00:14:38,433 --> 00:14:40,633
INTERESTING--
YOU'RE ABOUT TO GIVE A DOCTOR
326
00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:42,967
YOUR URINE SAMPLE.
327
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:46,567
[laughter and applause]
328
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:51,067
OKAY, PULLING A FIRE ALARM.
329
00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:55,267
GOOD--IN A FIRE.
330
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,100
BAD--WHEN YOU'RE BORED.
331
00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:58,373
[laughter]
332
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,600
INTERESTING--
TO WAKE UP YOUR GRANDMOTHER.
333
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:04,333
[laughter]
334
00:15:04,367 --> 00:15:06,167
BEING NAKED.
335
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:09,870
GOOD--YOU'RE A BABY.
336
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:11,800
BAD--
YOU'RE DELIVERING A BABY.
337
00:15:11,833 --> 00:15:14,533
[laughter]
338
00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:15,697
INTERESTING--
339
00:15:15,733 --> 00:15:19,873
YOU'RE DELIVERING
A BABY RUTH.
340
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:23,070
"HERE'S YOUR CANDY BAR.
341
00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:26,367
OOPS."
342
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,970
PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING
AT YOU.
343
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:32,627
GOOD--
YOU TOLD A JOKE.
344
00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:35,067
BAD--
YOU READ A POEM.
345
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:38,367
[laughter]
346
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:42,200
INTERESTING--
YOU WOKE UP FROM A COMA.
347
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:45,903
[laughter and applause]
348
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:52,330
FLIRTING.
349
00:15:52,367 --> 00:15:55,197
GOOD--
TRYING TO GET A DATE.
350
00:15:55,233 --> 00:15:59,173
BAD--TRYING TO GET OUT
OF SEXUAL-HARASSMENT CHARGES.
351
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,570
[laughter]
352
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:05,430
[laughs]
353
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:08,467
"COME ON, BABY.
IT WAS NOTHING."
354
00:16:10,633 --> 00:16:12,803
INTERESTING--
YOU'RE IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.
355
00:16:12,833 --> 00:16:14,633
[laughter]
356
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:17,327
NOTHING TO LOSE.
357
00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:22,527
[slow acoustic guitar music]
358
00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:27,827
*
359
00:16:27,867 --> 00:16:30,427
- * I'VE BEEN TALKING
TO THIS GUY *
360
00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:31,927
* FOR A WHILE
361
00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:36,797
* AND I DON'T KNOW
HIS NAME *
362
00:16:36,833 --> 00:16:40,573
* I'VE MET HIM
SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE *
363
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,430
* AND I COMPLETELY FORGOT
HIS NAME *
364
00:16:43,467 --> 00:16:45,067
* AGAIN
365
00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:47,267
* HE KNOWS MINE
366
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:50,730
* HE KEEPS SAYING IT
IN THE CONVERSATION *
367
00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:51,867
* NO PROBLEM
368
00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:55,770
* JUST AVOID THE TOPIC
369
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:56,970
* UH-OH
370
00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:58,897
* HERE COMES SOMEONE ELSE
I KNOW *
371
00:16:58,933 --> 00:17:00,303
* UH-OH
372
00:17:00,333 --> 00:17:04,073
* HEADED STRAIGHT
FOR THE CONVERSATION *
373
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:06,927
* I'LL BE FORCED
TO INTRODUCE THESE TWO *
374
00:17:06,967 --> 00:17:08,467
* AND WHAT'S THIS GUY'S NAME?
375
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,530
* I DON'T KNOW
HIS NAME EITHER *
376
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:12,397
* OH, NO
377
00:17:12,433 --> 00:17:14,273
* WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
378
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:21,570
*
379
00:17:40,433 --> 00:17:42,733
- HI, I'M DAN.
- HI. NATHAN.
380
00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:44,567
GOOD TO MEET YOU.
- GOOD TO MEET YOU.
381
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,500
- IT'S A FLAG ENHANCER.
382
00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:23,073
IT'S FOR WHEN YOU HAVE A FLAG,
383
00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:25,067
BUT YOU WANT TO DRAW
MORE ATTENTION TO IT.
384
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:26,927
JUST PUT THIS
ON THE END OF IT.
385
00:18:26,967 --> 00:18:28,697
OR YOU COULD PUT YOUR NAME
ON IT.
386
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,703
THEN IT'S, LIKE,
AMERICA AND GARY.
387
00:18:30,733 --> 00:18:33,073
YOU JUST KIND OF PIGGYBACK
THE ATTENTION AMERICA'S GETTING.
388
00:18:33,067 --> 00:18:35,297
OR YOU COULD PUT
A BUNCH OF THEM TOGETHER.
389
00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:37,403
AMERICA AND GARY RULES, YEAH!
390
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:39,073
THESE ARE NEAR-HEAD FIREWORKS.
391
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,667
IT'S FOR WHEN YOU'RE BALD,
392
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,670
AND YOU WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION
AWAY FROM THAT.
393
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:44,170
INSTEAD OF PUTTING
ON A TOUPEE,
394
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,370
BECAUSE THAT LOOKS LAME,
YOU JUST USE THESE.
395
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,300
IT'S A LITTLE JET
THAT'S IN YOUR SHIRT
396
00:18:48,333 --> 00:18:51,503
THAT SHOOTS TINY FIREWORKS OUT
THAT EXPLODE NEAR YOUR HEAD.
397
00:18:51,533 --> 00:18:53,073
NOW PEOPLE ARE LOOKING
AT THE FIREWORKS,
398
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:54,667
NOT AT YOUR HEAD.
399
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:57,670
YOU COULD ALSO GO WITH ANOTHER
OPTION, BUT THAT INVOLVES BEES.
400
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:59,500
IT'S A LITTLE MORE DANGEROUS.
401
00:18:59,533 --> 00:19:01,233
EITHER WAY,
YOU LOOK INTERESTING.
402
00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:04,367
THIS NEXT THING IS GOOD
FOR A PARTY.
403
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,900
SOMETIMES YOU'RE
IN A CONVERSATION,
404
00:19:05,933 --> 00:19:07,803
BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO SEND
A TEXT MESSAGE TO SOMEONE.
405
00:19:07,833 --> 00:19:10,103
THEN THE PERSON YOU'RE TALKING
TO GETS ALL MAD,
406
00:19:10,133 --> 00:19:12,733
BECAUSE THEY THINK YOU'RE
NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THEM.
407
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,127
THAT SUCKS.
408
00:19:14,167 --> 00:19:15,897
WELL, NOW THERE'S A SOLUTION.
409
00:19:15,933 --> 00:19:18,433
IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS
FOREHEAD TEXTER.
410
00:19:18,467 --> 00:19:21,567
IT PROJECTS YOUR TEXT
ONTO THE PERSON'S FACE.
411
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,070
SO NOW YOU CAN KEEP UP
WITH YOUR TEXT MESSAGE
412
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,070
AND THE CONVERSATION
YOU'RE IN AT THE SAME TIME.
413
00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:26,897
YOU LOOK REALLY ATTENTIVE,
414
00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:28,473
WHILE ALSO SENDING
A TEXT MESSAGE.
415
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,100
BUT BE CAREFUL.
416
00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:32,273
IF IT GOES TOO LOW,
IT COULD GET IN THE PERSON'S EYE
417
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:34,800
AND THEN BURN THEIR EYE
OR SOMETHING.
418
00:19:34,833 --> 00:19:35,973
THE FOREHEAD TEXTER,
419
00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:37,897
ONLY FROM
IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS.
420
00:19:37,933 --> 00:19:39,903
YOU SHOULD BUY ONE.
421
00:19:39,933 --> 00:19:41,333
AND NOW A SELECTION
422
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:43,497
FROM THE SHORT
ATTENTION SPAN LIBRARY.
423
00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:44,833
[cheers and applause]
424
00:19:44,867 --> 00:19:46,227
I'D LIKE TO READ YOU
SOME STORIES
425
00:19:46,267 --> 00:19:48,827
FROM THE LITTLE BOOK
OF LITTLE STORIES.
426
00:19:48,867 --> 00:19:51,297
[laughter]
427
00:19:54,433 --> 00:19:57,403
"ONE AFTERNOON,
A POWERFUL WIZARD SAT DOWN
428
00:19:57,433 --> 00:19:59,733
"AFTER MIXING
HIS MOST POWERFUL POTION,
429
00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:02,967
AND HE REALIZED
THAT WIZARDS NEVER GET LAID."
430
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,730
[laughter]
431
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:07,327
"SO HE STARTED A BAND."
432
00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:10,567
[laughter]
433
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:14,130
"ONCE UPON A TIME,
THERE WAS A MAGICAL GOOSE
434
00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:15,967
"WHO COULD LAY GOLDEN EGGS.
435
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,370
"NOT KNOWING
THAT GOLDEN EGGS WERE VALUABLE,
436
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,570
SHE WENT
AND HAD HER TUBES TIED."
437
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,100
[laughter]
438
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:25,173
"WHEN SHE FOUND OUT
THAT THE EGGS WERE VALUABLE,
439
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,670
SHE WAS PISSED."
440
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:29,300
[laughter]
441
00:20:29,333 --> 00:20:32,003
"THREE BEARS
WENT TO A MARKET.
442
00:20:32,033 --> 00:20:33,303
"WHILE THEY WERE GONE,
443
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,333
"A LITTLE GIRL
WENT INTO THEIR HOUSE.
444
00:20:35,367 --> 00:20:38,567
"MEANWHILE, AT THE MARKET,
PEOPLE WERE FREAKING OUT
445
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,430
BECAUSE THERE WERE
THREE BEARS THERE."
446
00:20:40,467 --> 00:20:43,467
[laughter]
447
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:47,330
"THE BEARS
WERE SHOT AND KILLED."
448
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:51,927
[laughter]
449
00:20:51,967 --> 00:20:53,627
"AFTER GOING THROUGH YEARS
OF LITIGATION
450
00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:55,067
"TO GET ROYALTIES DUE TO HIM,
451
00:20:55,100 --> 00:20:58,370
"THE GUY WHO COINED THE TERM
'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
452
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,930
LIVED REASONABLY WELL
FOR A WHILE."
453
00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:02,527
[laughter]
454
00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:05,127
THE END.
455
00:21:05,167 --> 00:21:06,897
[cheers and applause]
456
00:21:13,133 --> 00:21:15,133
- SEAT BELT.
457
00:21:17,467 --> 00:21:20,427
[groans]
COME ON. COME ON.
458
00:21:20,467 --> 00:21:22,267
GOTTA GET HOME.
459
00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:24,300
COME ON.
460
00:21:32,633 --> 00:21:35,103
SHOULD'VE BEEN AN APPLE.
461
00:21:35,133 --> 00:21:39,603
I SHOULD'VE BEEN AN APPLE.
462
00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:41,573
[horn honks]
31490
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
