Original subtitles

- HEY.

WELCOME TO IMPORTANT THINGS. MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN.

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS...

ATTENTION! YOU GOT A SURPRISE, PEOPLE.

DOWN HERE.

TA-DA.

PEOPLE DO ALL KINDS OF THINGS FOR ATTENTION,

LIKE THEY'LL GET A CRAZY HAIRCUT.

"OH, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT MY HAIR."

"OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT HIS HAIR.

OH, HE PLAYS GUITAR TOO!"

THEY SHOULD BE PAYING ATTENTION TO OTHER THINGS,

LIKE A METEOR.

"AAH! WE'RE ON FIRE!

WHY WERE WE LOOKING AT HIS HAIR?"

ME, I GOT A TV SHOW 'CAUSE I NEED ATTENTION.

[sighs] GO.

[upbeat rock music]

*

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, AUDIENCE. THANKS.

WELCOME.

THANK YOU.

TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS ATTENTION.

OKAY, THAT'S A VERY IMPORTANT THING--

A LOT OF WAYS TO COME AT THIS THING.

LET'S SEE. WE COULD...

DO FIREWORKS,

THE OPPOSITE OF FIREWORKS...

[laughter]

I GUESS THAT WOULD BE JUST UNEXPLODING THEM.

THAT'S GONNA BE HARD.

I'M NOT SURE HOW TO DO THAT.

OR JOKES.

HMM.

ALL RIGHT. UH, JOKES.

IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE GETTING PEOPLE TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU

IN A CONVERSATION, JUST COUNT DOWN

BEFORE THE THING YOU'RE GONNA SAY.

"FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, WE SHOULD GET ITALIAN FOOD."

[laughter and applause]

"WOW.

"WOW, MARK, THAT IDEA REALLY TOOK OFF.

"I GUESS WE'RE GONNA...

GET ITALIAN FOOD, OKAY."

SOMETIMES I'LL BE READING A BOOK,

AND THE FIRST LETTER OF THE CHAPTER IS REALLY BIG.

AND THEN THEY GET SMALL RIGHT AWAY.

IT'S LIKE THERE WAS A GUY PRINTING THE BOOK,

AND HE WAS LIKE, "AH, I'M GONNA MAKE A HUGE BOOK.

I'M GONNA MAKE A HUGE BOOK."

AND THEN A GUY RAN IN AND WAS LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

"THAT FONT SIZE IS WAY TOO BIG.

"WE CAN'T MAKE A BOOK THIS BIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TAKE IT DOWN, MAN. TAKE IT DOWN."

HE WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

AND THEN IT'S JUST, LIKE, SMALL WORDS.

THEN HE GETS TO THE NEXT CHAPTER,

AND HE'S LIKE...

"I'M GONNA MAKE A BIG BOOK."

AND THE GUY'S LIKE--COMES IN, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

I TOLD YOU."

AND THE GUY KEEPS COMING IN, LIKE, ONE LETTER TOO LATE.

HE'S LIKE, "DAMN IT."

SOMETIMES IF I NEED TO GET SOMEONE'S ATTENTION,

I'LL START A SENTENCE WITH, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

I'LL SAY, "LOOK, I CAN'T GO."

YOU KNOW?

IF I REALLY NEED THEIR ATTENTION, I'LL SAY,

"LISTEN,

I'M BEING SERIOUS."

AND IF I REALLY, REALLY NEED THEIR ATTENTION,

I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "SMELL...

[laughter]

"I HAVE TO GO HOME.

THAT SMELL IS ME. I'VE HAD A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT."

[mellow guitar music]

* THIS IS A SEGUE

* THIS IS A SEGUE

- DETECTIVE STONE,

I BELIEVE YOU'RE WORKING OUT OF YOUR JURISDICTION.

- I GOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE STASHED TO PUT YOU AWAY

FOR A LIFETIME.

- I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU'VE BEEN A THORN IN MY SIDE FOR FAR TOO LONG.

- AND THE HEDGES ARE ABOUT TO GET TRIMMED, BABY.

SNIP, SNIP.

- YOUR HEROICS COST ME $20 MILLION--

THE PRICE OF A ONE-WAY TICKET TO HELL.

- YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A ROUND-TRIP TICKET.

BUT THAT WOULD COST ANOTHER $20 MILLION--

TOO EXPENSIVE.

- EXCUSE ME. - WHAT?

- WHAT'S UP?

- YOU'RE A HENCHMAN.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO STAND AROUND THE PLACE

AND LOOK...

THREATENING!

AND NOT TALK.

- YOU DON'T LIKE MY ONE-LINERS? - NO, I DON'T.

I'M THE ONE THAT TALKS. YOU SHUT UP.

THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS.

- OKAY, I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.

- WELL, I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP.

SO KNOCK IT OFF, OR I'LL SHOVE A RIFLE DOWN YOUR THROAT.

- GOT IT.

NO ONE-LINERS.

- I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, DETECTIVE STONE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMARTER THAN THIS.

- THOUGHT YOU COULD BE THE HERO,

BUT YOU COULDN'T EVEN SAVE YOURSELF.

- IT'S TIME FOR THIS GAME TO END.

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO DIE.

- 11:30-- THAT'S DYING TIME.

- WHAT?

I DIDN'T DO ANY ONE-LINERS. I WAS STATING THE OBVIOUS.

- LET ME MAKE THIS SIMPLE FOR YOU.

YOU TALK, I KILL YOU.

- OKAY.

UNDERSTOOD.

- SO IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY BEFORE I KILL YOU?

- ONLY THIS.

- DON'T TALK. HE DOESN'T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE TALK.

- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!

- SEE.

- [sighs]

- I KNOW YOUR UNCLE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE,

BUT IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, TRUST ME,

I WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF WITH AN AX.

- OKAY, HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS-- MESSAGE RECEIVED.

- VINCENT, I CAN EXPLAIN.

- THERE'S NO NEED.

IT'S GONNA BE A SHAME TO DESTROY

A FACE AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOURS.

- OH, EXCUSE ME. I KNOW, I KNOW.

BUT I COULD DRAW A MUSTACHE ON HER FACE,

IT WON'T BE AS BEAUTIFUL, WON'T BE AS MUCH OF A SHAME MAYBE.

OKAY.

I'VE GOT A SHARPIE.

YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN A PRETTY FACE,

SO I JUST THOUGHT IF I PUT A MUSTACHE ON IT,

IT'S LESS PRETTY. THAT'S ALL IT WAS.

I WAS JUST PITCHING AN IDEA.

I DID NOT MEAN TO RUIN THE MOMENT

OR THE MOMENTUM OR ANYTHING, SO I'M SORRY,

AND IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

WE OKAY?

- SO I GUESS NOW THE FUN IS REALLY OVER.

THE THREE OF YOU HAVE SCREWED ME OVER FOR THE LAST TIME,

AND I'M NOT A MAN WHO LIKES TO BE SCREWED WITH.

AND SO, MY FRIENDS, I BID YOU A FOND ADIEU.

- WAIT. COULD WE HAVE AN A-DON'T?

[all chuckling]

[mellow acoustic guitar music]

*

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME DATA.

THERE WE GO.

NOW I THINK SIGNS WOULD BE MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE

AT GETTING PEOPLE'S ATTENTION

IF THEY ADDED A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THEM.

LIKE, SAY, STOP, IF IT WAS LIKE, "PSSST...STOP."

[laughter]

LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.

"YOU'RE, LIKE, WHISPERING THIS TO ME.

"IT'S VERY INTIMATE.

I SHOULD SLOW DOWN. I SHOULD STOP RIGHT HERE."

OR YIELD.

IF IT WAS LIKE, "FREE BEER!!! YIELD."

KEEP OFF GRASS.

"BOOBS. KEEP OFF GRASS."

[laughter]

THAT ONE'S REALLY GOOD, 'CAUSE IT ALSO MEANS,

LIKE, DON'T RUB YOUR BOOBS IN THE GRASS.

[laughter]

YOU DON'T WANT BOOB MARKS ON THE GRASS.

YOU'RE GONNA RIP UP THE TURF,

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE COLD.

[laughter]

OKAY, THIS IS HOW INTERESTED YOU ARE IN YOUR KIDS.

AND THIS IS HOW INTERESTED I AM IN YOUR KIDS.

[laughter]

THANKS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT.

GRILLED CHEESE.

NOW, I NOTICED THAT NOBODY EVER REALLY TALKS

ABOUT A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH UNLESS THEY WANT ONE.

[laughter]

THIS IS PEOPLE WHO WANT GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES,

AND THIS IS TALK ABOUT.

YOU DON'T REALLY HEAR PEOPLE BEING LIKE,

"OH, MAN, YOU REMEMBER THAT GRILLED CHEESE

"IN THE SUMMER OF 2004?

OH, YEAH, THE SUMMER OF GRILLED CHEESE."

THAT'S THE INTERESTING AREA RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS THAT PART BLOWN UP.

THAT'S PEOPLE WHO TALK ABOUT GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES

BUT DON'T WANT ONE.

IT'S VERY RARE.

WHAT'S REALLY INTERESTING IS RIGHT NOW,

I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

[funky jazz music]

*

- HERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN DO FOR ATTENTION.

OUCH, OUCH. OH, OW, OW.

- * SOMETIMES YOU NEED A SMILE *

* A CANINE FRIEND CAN MAKE YOU SMILE *

* BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG

- YES.

I UNDERSTAND.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR CALLING.

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- [sighs] THAT WAS AUNT SUE.

NANA JUST PASSED.

- I'M SO SORRY.

[Bruce barks]

NOT NOW, BRUCE.

- HE'S DRESSED JUST LIKE HER.

- * BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG

- YOU'RE DRINKING AGAIN?

- WE'RE GONNA LOSE THE HOUSE.

- WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, TAKE ANOTHER JOB?

- NO. I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

I-I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

WE DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER OPTIONS.

- MAYBE WE CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE THIS BABY.

[Bruce barks]

NOT NOW, BRUCE. - GOD DAMN IT, BRUCE!

- * BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG

- BRUCE.

HEY.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

BRUCE...

I KNOW I WAS A LITTLE HARD ON YOU BEFORE.

I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE.

BUT LISTEN.

THERE'S A RIGHT TIME TO JOKE AROUND

AND A WRONG TIME TO JOKE AROUND.

AM I MAKING ANY SENSE?

BRUCE, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

COME ON.

YOU GOTTA TURN IT OFF.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?

YOU'RE KIDDING RIGHT NOW.

BRUCE, LET ME EXPLAIN IT THIS WAY.

COME ON! ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?

YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?

YOU'RE GONNA DEADPAN ME?

I'M NOT YOUR AUDIENCE.

HA HA HA HA.

BRUCE IS A CONSTRUCTION WORKER.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE VERY THING

THAT'S THE PROBLEM, AND YOU'RE DOING IT.

JESUS, BRUCE.

I MEAN, THAT'S JUST OFFENSIVE.

DO YOU SEE ANYBODY LAUGHING?

I DON'T HEAR ANY LAUGHTER.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS JOKE IS.

WHAT'S YOUR CONCEPT?

SOCCER CLOWN KING?

YOU'RE THE SOCCER CLOWN KING?

HEY, EVERYBODY, THE SOCCER CLOWN KING'S HERE.

WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.

TAKE IT OFF.

THANK YOU. NOW... GOD DAMN IT!

OKAY, FINE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

ALIENATE EVERYBODY, BRUCE.

GOOD LUCK. BYE!

- * BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG

[cheers and applause]

- * THIS IS A SKETCH

- * YES, IT IS

- * THIS IS A SKETCH

- * THAT'S RIGHT

- * THIS IS A SKETCH

- * SKETCH IT UP

- * IT'S A SKETCH - * SKETCH

[cheers and applause]

- I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT MY GUEST TONIGHT.

UM, HE IS A MAN WHO--

YOU LIKE TO GET WOMEN'S ATTENTION, I UNDERSTAND.

- YEAH. - AND HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

- I USUALLY JUST YELL AT THEM OUT OF MY CAR WINDOW.

[laughter]

- WHAT KINDS OF THINGS DO YOU YELL?

- UH, USUALLY, LIKE, "NICE ASS"

OR "WHERE ARE YOU HEADING?"

OR, LIKE...

[whistles and smooches]

- AND WHAT ARE YOU-- WHAT ARE YOU AFTER?

- I'M LOOKING FOR A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP--

[laughter]

THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.

- DOES YOUR CAR HAVE TINTED WINDOWS?

- YEAH. YEAH.

REALLY DARK TINT.

BUT I ROLL--I ROLL DOWN.

- YOU ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN. - YEAH, I'M NOT A CREEP.

[laughter]

- WHY IS ATTENTION IMPORTANT?

- ATTENTION?

ATTENTION--IF YOU GIVE A LOT OF ATTENTION,

YOU CAN UNDERSTAND LOT OF THINGS,

YOU CAN FIGURE OUT LOT OF THINGS,

AND IT HELPS YOU TO GET AHEAD AGAIN.

[quirky piano music]

*

- HOW YOU DOING?

[balloon pops]

[balloons popping]

SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN APPLE.

[cheers and applause]

THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS TO GET ATTENTION THAT,

DEPENDING ON HOW AND WHEN YOU USE THEM,

CAN BE GOOD, BAD, OR INTERESTING.

I'LL SHOW YOU IN A SEGMENT CALLED

"GOOD, BAD, INTERESTING."

HERE WE GO.

PROPOSING A TOAST.

GOOD-- YOU'RE THE BEST MAN.

BAD--YOU'RE THE BARTENDER AT A WEDDING.

[laughter]

INTERESTING-- YOU'RE ABOUT TO GIVE A DOCTOR

YOUR URINE SAMPLE.

[laughter and applause]

OKAY, PULLING A FIRE ALARM.

GOOD--IN A FIRE.

BAD--WHEN YOU'RE BORED.

[laughter]

INTERESTING-- TO WAKE UP YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

[laughter]

BEING NAKED.

GOOD--YOU'RE A BABY.

BAD-- YOU'RE DELIVERING A BABY.

[laughter]

INTERESTING--

YOU'RE DELIVERING A BABY RUTH.

"HERE'S YOUR CANDY BAR.

OOPS."

PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU.

GOOD-- YOU TOLD A JOKE.

BAD-- YOU READ A POEM.

[laughter]

INTERESTING-- YOU WOKE UP FROM A COMA.

[laughter and applause]

FLIRTING.

GOOD-- TRYING TO GET A DATE.

BAD--TRYING TO GET OUT OF SEXUAL-HARASSMENT CHARGES.

[laughter]

[laughs]

"COME ON, BABY. IT WAS NOTHING."

INTERESTING-- YOU'RE IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.

[laughter]

NOTHING TO LOSE.

[slow acoustic guitar music]

*

- * I'VE BEEN TALKING TO THIS GUY *

* FOR A WHILE

* AND I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME *

* I'VE MET HIM SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE *

* AND I COMPLETELY FORGOT HIS NAME *

* AGAIN

* HE KNOWS MINE

* HE KEEPS SAYING IT IN THE CONVERSATION *

* NO PROBLEM

* JUST AVOID THE TOPIC

* UH-OH

* HERE COMES SOMEONE ELSE I KNOW *

* UH-OH

* HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE CONVERSATION *

* I'LL BE FORCED TO INTRODUCE THESE TWO *

* AND WHAT'S THIS GUY'S NAME?

* I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME EITHER *

* OH, NO

* WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

*

- HI, I'M DAN. - HI. NATHAN.

GOOD TO MEET YOU. - GOOD TO MEET YOU.

- IT'S A FLAG ENHANCER.

IT'S FOR WHEN YOU HAVE A FLAG,

BUT YOU WANT TO DRAW MORE ATTENTION TO IT.

JUST PUT THIS ON THE END OF IT.

OR YOU COULD PUT YOUR NAME ON IT.

THEN IT'S, LIKE, AMERICA AND GARY.

YOU JUST KIND OF PIGGYBACK THE ATTENTION AMERICA'S GETTING.

OR YOU COULD PUT A BUNCH OF THEM TOGETHER.

AMERICA AND GARY RULES, YEAH!

THESE ARE NEAR-HEAD FIREWORKS.

IT'S FOR WHEN YOU'RE BALD,

AND YOU WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION AWAY FROM THAT.

INSTEAD OF PUTTING ON A TOUPEE,

BECAUSE THAT LOOKS LAME, YOU JUST USE THESE.

IT'S A LITTLE JET THAT'S IN YOUR SHIRT

THAT SHOOTS TINY FIREWORKS OUT THAT EXPLODE NEAR YOUR HEAD.

NOW PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT THE FIREWORKS,

NOT AT YOUR HEAD.

YOU COULD ALSO GO WITH ANOTHER OPTION, BUT THAT INVOLVES BEES.

IT'S A LITTLE MORE DANGEROUS.

EITHER WAY, YOU LOOK INTERESTING.

THIS NEXT THING IS GOOD FOR A PARTY.

SOMETIMES YOU'RE IN A CONVERSATION,

BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO SEND A TEXT MESSAGE TO SOMEONE.

THEN THE PERSON YOU'RE TALKING TO GETS ALL MAD,

BECAUSE THEY THINK YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THEM.

THAT SUCKS.

WELL, NOW THERE'S A SOLUTION.

IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS FOREHEAD TEXTER.

IT PROJECTS YOUR TEXT ONTO THE PERSON'S FACE.

SO NOW YOU CAN KEEP UP WITH YOUR TEXT MESSAGE

AND THE CONVERSATION YOU'RE IN AT THE SAME TIME.

YOU LOOK REALLY ATTENTIVE,

WHILE ALSO SENDING A TEXT MESSAGE.

BUT BE CAREFUL.

IF IT GOES TOO LOW, IT COULD GET IN THE PERSON'S EYE

AND THEN BURN THEIR EYE OR SOMETHING.

THE FOREHEAD TEXTER,

ONLY FROM IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS.

YOU SHOULD BUY ONE.

AND NOW A SELECTION

FROM THE SHORT ATTENTION SPAN LIBRARY.

[cheers and applause]

I'D LIKE TO READ YOU SOME STORIES

FROM THE LITTLE BOOK OF LITTLE STORIES.

[laughter]

"ONE AFTERNOON, A POWERFUL WIZARD SAT DOWN

"AFTER MIXING HIS MOST POWERFUL POTION,

AND HE REALIZED THAT WIZARDS NEVER GET LAID."

[laughter]

"SO HE STARTED A BAND."

[laughter]

"ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A MAGICAL GOOSE

"WHO COULD LAY GOLDEN EGGS.

"NOT KNOWING THAT GOLDEN EGGS WERE VALUABLE,

SHE WENT AND HAD HER TUBES TIED."

[laughter]

"WHEN SHE FOUND OUT THAT THE EGGS WERE VALUABLE,

SHE WAS PISSED."

[laughter]

"THREE BEARS WENT TO A MARKET.

"WHILE THEY WERE GONE,

"A LITTLE GIRL WENT INTO THEIR HOUSE.

"MEANWHILE, AT THE MARKET, PEOPLE WERE FREAKING OUT

BECAUSE THERE WERE THREE BEARS THERE."

[laughter]

"THE BEARS WERE SHOT AND KILLED."

[laughter]

"AFTER GOING THROUGH YEARS OF LITIGATION

"TO GET ROYALTIES DUE TO HIM,

"THE GUY WHO COINED THE TERM 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'

LIVED REASONABLY WELL FOR A WHILE."

[laughter]

THE END.

[cheers and applause]

- SEAT BELT.

[groans] COME ON. COME ON.

GOTTA GET HOME.

COME ON.

SHOULD'VE BEEN AN APPLE.

I SHOULD'VE BEEN AN APPLE.

[horn honks]