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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,470 (bell dings) 2 00:00:05,500 --> 00:00:08,470 WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS." MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN. 3 00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:10,470 TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS CONTROL. 4 00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:11,970 CONTROL'S A VERY IMPORTANT THING. 5 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,470 I GOT IT. SOMETIMES WE CONTROL BIG THINGS. 6 00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:16,970 (plane engine roars) YEAH, THERE WE GO. 7 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,470 SOMETIMES WE CONTROL LITTLE THINGS. 8 00:00:18,500 --> 00:00:20,470 "OKAY, WE'RE COMING IN. LOOKING GOOD." 9 00:00:20,500 --> 00:00:21,970 SOMETIMES, WE CAN'T CONTROL ANYTHING. 10 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,470 "WE GOT TURBULENCE! WE GOT TURBULENCE. 11 00:00:23,500 --> 00:00:24,970 WE GOT A PROBLEM HERE." (wind howling) 12 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:26,630 "MAYDAY! MAYDAY!" 13 00:00:26,667 --> 00:00:29,967 SOMETIMES WE CONTROL... EVERYTHING. (people screaming) 14 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,970 CAN I GET SOME MORE CLOUDS? 15 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:33,970 (airplane engine buzzing) 16 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,770 ** 17 00:00:49,467 --> 00:00:51,927 (cheering) 18 00:00:51,967 --> 00:00:53,427 THANK YOU. 19 00:00:53,467 --> 00:00:55,427 THANK YOU, AUDIENCE. WELCOME. 20 00:00:55,467 --> 00:00:57,497 WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS." I'M DEMETRI. 21 00:00:57,533 --> 00:01:00,573 TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS CONTROL. 22 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,070 OOH, THAT'S A BIG ONE. 23 00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:06,370 OKAY, A LOT OF WAYS TO COVER THIS THING. LET'S SEE. 24 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,870 "MAKE YOU THINK OF AN ELEPHANT." 25 00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:10,870 (laughter) 26 00:01:10,900 --> 00:01:13,870 "MAKE AN ELEPHANT THINK OF YOU." (laughter) 27 00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:15,700 OR "JOKES." 28 00:01:15,733 --> 00:01:17,973 I PROBABLY ALREADY DID ONE OF THOSE. 29 00:01:18,067 --> 00:01:21,667 (laughter) 30 00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:24,830 MM... "JOKES." 31 00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:27,327 (electronic tones play) I WAS PRETTY YOUNG 32 00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,827 WHEN I FIRST HEARD THE TERM "TRAINING BRA." (laughter) 33 00:01:29,867 --> 00:01:32,327 AND IT KIND OF FREAKED ME OUT. I WAS LIKE, "TRAINING BRA? 34 00:01:32,367 --> 00:01:34,497 "WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'TRAINING'? 35 00:01:34,533 --> 00:01:36,933 THEY'RE TRAINING THEIR CHESTS?" (laughter) 36 00:01:36,967 --> 00:01:38,667 WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, YOU KNOW? 37 00:01:38,700 --> 00:01:41,670 IS THERE, LIKE, A COMPETITION COMING UP OR SOMETHING? (laughter) 38 00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:44,700 SEE SOME OLD LADY, 39 00:01:44,733 --> 00:01:46,703 AND HER, LIKE, BOOBS ARE EVERYWHERE, 40 00:01:46,733 --> 00:01:49,703 AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP WITH HER?" (laughter) 41 00:01:49,733 --> 00:01:52,073 "THOSE ARE UNTRAINED TITTIES, MAN." (laughter) 42 00:01:52,067 --> 00:01:54,067 (chuckles) 43 00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:57,067 YOU GOTTA TRAIN 'EM WHILE THEY'RE YOUNG. (laughter) 44 00:01:57,067 --> 00:01:59,227 THEY GO WILD. THOSE ARE FREE-RANGE. 45 00:01:59,267 --> 00:02:02,967 (laughter) 46 00:02:03,067 --> 00:02:04,467 BEFORE, SHE WAS WATCHING TV, 47 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:07,230 AND ONE OF 'EM JUST PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE. (laughter) 48 00:02:07,267 --> 00:02:09,627 SHE WASN'T EVEN RUNNING. IT WAS JUST LIKE, BAM! 49 00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:11,127 "DOWN! 50 00:02:11,167 --> 00:02:15,197 WHY DIDN'T I TRAIN THESE WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE?" (laughter) 51 00:02:15,233 --> 00:02:17,473 GUYS HAVE NO TR-- WE DON'T A TRAINING, 52 00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:20,070 LIKE, UNDERWEAR OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? (laughter) 53 00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:22,070 THE BALLS JUST KIND OF SHOW UP... 54 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,970 (laughter) AND THEY'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, REPORTING FOR DUTY. 55 00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,467 NO TRAINING NECESSARY, SIR." (laughter) 56 00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:30,470 "WE ASK THAT YOU JUST DO NOT HIT OR GRAZE US." 57 00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:32,470 (laughter) 58 00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:35,370 "OTHERWISE, WE'RE ON CALL 24/7." (laughs) (laughter) 59 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,870 I THINK A CEILING FAN 60 00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:39,870 IS THERE USUALLY JUST TO TELL PEOPLE, 61 00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:42,630 "HEY, NO JUMPING AROUND IN THIS ROOM." 62 00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:45,127 (laughter) 63 00:02:45,167 --> 00:02:48,227 "THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO GET REALLY GOOD NEWS." 64 00:02:48,267 --> 00:02:51,227 (laughter) 65 00:02:51,267 --> 00:02:54,227 I'M REALLY SECRETIVE. 66 00:02:54,267 --> 00:02:56,727 I'M SO SECRETIVE, THAT ONE TIME, SOMEBODY SAID TO ME, 67 00:02:56,767 --> 00:02:58,227 "CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?" 68 00:02:58,267 --> 00:03:00,897 AND I SAID, "THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS." 69 00:03:00,933 --> 00:03:02,903 (laughter) 70 00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:04,903 ** 71 00:03:04,933 --> 00:03:07,473 * LA LA LA LA LA 72 00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:09,470 * LA LA 73 00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:11,970 * LA LA LA LA LA LA 74 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:16,067 * LA LA LA LA LA 75 00:03:18,767 --> 00:03:21,067 ** 76 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:27,470 ** 77 00:03:32,933 --> 00:03:36,503 IT'S AN INCREDIBLE VIEW. 78 00:03:36,533 --> 00:03:38,633 I'M CERTAINLY ENJOYING IT. 79 00:03:38,667 --> 00:03:41,327 I MEANT THE SKY. 80 00:03:41,367 --> 00:03:43,467 I PREFER THINGS I CAN TOUCH. 81 00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:45,500 TOUCHING CAN BE DANGEROUS. 82 00:03:45,533 --> 00:03:47,333 WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT. 83 00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:50,497 (laughter) I WAS SENT HERE TO SEDUCE YOU 84 00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:52,273 AND TO KILL YOU. 85 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:54,130 AS LONG AS IT HAPPENS IN THAT ORDER. 86 00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:56,127 (laughter) 87 00:03:56,167 --> 00:03:58,227 (glasses clink) 88 00:03:58,267 --> 00:04:00,767 IF YOU KILL AS WELL AS YOU KISS, THEN I DON'T STAND A CHANCE. 89 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:05,200 WELL, DARLING, I AM LETHAL IN BED. 90 00:04:05,233 --> 00:04:07,703 WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ME HOW YOU WERE PLANNING 91 00:04:07,733 --> 00:04:09,403 ON FINISHING ME OFF? (laughter) 92 00:04:09,433 --> 00:04:12,973 FIRST, I WAS GONNA GET YOU INTO THE BED. YES? 93 00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:15,767 THEN I WAS GONNA GET HOLD OF YOUR GUN. 94 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:17,770 MM. (laughs) 95 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,970 I'M LISTENING. AND THEN I WAS GONNA SHOOT YOU 96 00:04:21,067 --> 00:04:22,967 IN THE ANUS. 97 00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:25,467 (laughter) MM. 98 00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,470 WAIT. (sighs) 99 00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:30,970 MM. WELL, IF YOU'RE AS IMAGINATIVE 100 00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:32,967 IN, UH--WAIT. 101 00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:34,967 WHAT? (laughter) 102 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:37,967 DID YOU SAY YOU WERE GONNA SHOOT ME IN THE ANUS? (laughter) 103 00:04:38,067 --> 00:04:40,967 YES, AND THEN I WAS GONNA SMASH YOUR FACE 104 00:04:41,067 --> 00:04:42,967 WITH THE LAMP. 105 00:04:43,067 --> 00:04:45,897 AND THEN I WAS GONNA CUT YOU UP INTO PIECES 106 00:04:45,933 --> 00:04:48,673 AND BURN THEM AND PUT INTO A BAG... WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! 107 00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:50,970 A GARBAGE BAG. YOU WERE GONNA TAKE YOUR GUN 108 00:04:51,067 --> 00:04:52,667 AND SHOOT ME 109 00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:55,100 IN THE ANUS? (laughter) 110 00:04:55,133 --> 00:04:56,603 YES. 111 00:04:56,633 --> 00:04:59,233 WOW. OKAY, UH, 112 00:04:59,267 --> 00:05:00,797 WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? 113 00:05:00,833 --> 00:05:03,173 (laughter) DARLING, COME TO BED. COME ON. 114 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:04,670 JESUS! 115 00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:07,170 WHAT ARE YOU--WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 116 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,170 I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. 117 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,500 YOU DON'T WANT I SHOOT YOU IN THE ANUS? 118 00:05:11,533 --> 00:05:13,733 WHEN YOU SAY "ANUS," WHAT DO-- WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS? 119 00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:16,067 IT'S A VERY SMALL AREA WHERE YOU-- OKAY, OKAY. 120 00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,267 I WAS HOPING THERE WAS A TRANSLATION PROBLEM HERE. (laughter) 121 00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:21,130 WELL, WE DO IT IN RUSSIA, SO... SO IF I GO TO RUSSIA, 122 00:05:21,167 --> 00:05:22,767 YOU'LL SAY, "SHOOT SOMEONE IN THE ANUS." 123 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,300 (laughter) 124 00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:26,503 YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WERE TALKING, THERE WAS SOMETHING IN YOUR EYE 125 00:05:26,533 --> 00:05:29,503 THAT WAS, LIKE, A LITTLE CRAZY. AND I-I LIKED IT AT FIRST, 126 00:05:29,533 --> 00:05:31,873 BUT I KNEW THAT WAS GOING THE WRONG CRAZY. 127 00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:34,130 (laughter) ARE YOU GONNA COME TO BED? 128 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:37,467 I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS, BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO GO. 129 00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:40,070 JAMES. YES? 130 00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:45,067 ** 131 00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:47,467 (exhales quickly) OKAY. 132 00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:49,470 (laughs) 133 00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:51,470 (sets glass down) 134 00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:53,870 SHE'S NOT GONNA SHOOT YOU IN THE ANUS. 135 00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:56,870 (chuckles) HEY. (giggles) HEY. 136 00:05:56,900 --> 00:05:58,570 (laughs) 137 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,370 (audience) OH! 138 00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:07,600 WHAT HAPPENED? 139 00:06:07,633 --> 00:06:10,603 FAR AS WE KNOW, HE GOT SMASHED IN THE FACE WITH A LAMP, 140 00:06:10,633 --> 00:06:13,133 CHOPPED UP AND SET ON FIRE. 141 00:06:13,167 --> 00:06:15,497 WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS ANUS? (laughter) 142 00:06:15,533 --> 00:06:19,333 WE DON'T KNOW. (laughter) 143 00:06:19,367 --> 00:06:22,367 ** 144 00:06:24,367 --> 00:06:27,767 (sighs) 145 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:30,770 * THIS IS A SKETCH * YES, IT IS 146 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,470 * THIS IS A SKETCH * THAT'S RIGHT 147 00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:35,470 * THIS IS A SKETCH * SKETCH IT UP 148 00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:37,470 * IT'S A SKETCH * SKETCH 149 00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:39,470 SO, LISTEN... YEAH? 150 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,470 MY ROOMMATE'S COMING. OH, WOW. IS HE? 151 00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:44,470 YEAH, YEAH, COOL. HE--BUT HE'S-- HE'S FROM THE FUTURE, SO... 152 00:06:44,500 --> 00:06:46,470 WHAT? YEAH, HE'S--HE'S LITERALLY-- HE'S FROM THE FUTURE. 153 00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:48,970 (laughs) YEAH, RIGHT. I JUST WANTED TO PREPARE YOU GUYS. 154 00:06:49,067 --> 00:06:50,967 OKAY. THERE HE IS. HEY, TOBY. 155 00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:54,167 OH, MY GOD. WHAT'S UP? 156 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,170 TOBY, THIS IS NATASHA AND AMY. HEY, HOW ARE YOU? 157 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,670 OH, HI. HI. TOBY. 158 00:06:57,700 --> 00:06:59,400 GOOD. GOOD. WHAT'S UP? 159 00:06:59,433 --> 00:07:02,203 NICE TO MEET YOU. YEAH, THANKS. I'M FROM THE FUTURE, SO KIND OF A TRIP. 160 00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:03,803 YOU KNOW THERE ARE LISTS, 161 00:07:03,833 --> 00:07:06,633 AND THIS IS ACTUALLY THE WORST TIME EVER. 162 00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:08,697 I'M NOT MAKING THAT UP. I'M JUST LETTING YOU KNOW. 163 00:07:08,733 --> 00:07:10,733 ON! 164 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:15,973 WAY TO GO. I'M TRYING TO TURN THAT ON. 165 00:07:16,067 --> 00:07:17,967 Y-YOU CAN'T TURN IT ON THAT WAY. 166 00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:20,597 YOU HAVE TO PRESS THE POWER. (sighs) 167 00:07:20,633 --> 00:07:22,103 SO WHERE YOU FROM? FLORIDA. 168 00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:24,133 OH, DIDN'T THAT BLOW UP? 169 00:07:24,167 --> 00:07:26,467 SO, UH, 170 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:29,800 THINK I COULD GET A D.N.A. SAMPLE? WHY? 171 00:07:29,833 --> 00:07:32,533 TO MAKE A SEX CLONE. 172 00:07:34,533 --> 00:07:37,303 UP. 173 00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:40,403 UP. 174 00:07:40,433 --> 00:07:42,403 UP! 175 00:07:42,433 --> 00:07:44,403 UNBELIEVABLE. 176 00:07:44,433 --> 00:07:47,633 ** 177 00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:50,567 (light jazz playing) 178 00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:11,070 CONTROL IS VERY IMPORTANT. 179 00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:12,570 BY HAVING CONTROL, 180 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,570 YOU CAN CONTROL 181 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:17,070 AND DO A LOT OF THINGS. 182 00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:19,067 IT GETS YOUR HEAD. 183 00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:21,597 * YEAH, YEAH (cheering) 184 00:08:21,633 --> 00:08:24,103 YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF TIMES IN LIFE 185 00:08:24,133 --> 00:08:26,603 WHERE CONTROL IS IMPORTANT, AND DEPENDING ON THE SITUATION, 186 00:08:26,633 --> 00:08:28,603 IT CAN BE GOOD, BAD OR INTERESTING. 187 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:31,103 I'LL SHOW YOU NOW IN A SEGMENT CALLED "GOOD, BAD, INTERESTING." 188 00:08:31,133 --> 00:08:32,973 (laughter) 189 00:08:33,067 --> 00:08:34,467 OKAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK. 190 00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:36,970 "WRESTLE TO THE GROUND." 191 00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:39,767 GOOD--CRIMINAL. (laughter) 192 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,070 BAD--YOUR THERAPIST. (laughter) 193 00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:43,867 (chuckles) 194 00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:46,470 INTERESTING--A PIÑATA. (chuckles) 195 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,370 THAT GUY REALLY WANTS THAT CANDY. 196 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,200 (laughter) 197 00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,773 LEAVE HIM. LEAVE HIM-- LET HIM DO IT. LEAVE HIM. 198 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,770 (laughter) 199 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,630 "GRABBING THE WHEEL." 200 00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:02,927 GOOD-- WHEN THE DRIVER'S FAINTED. 201 00:09:02,967 --> 00:09:05,167 (laughter) 202 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,570 BAD--YOU'RE LOSING AT ROULETTE. (laughter) 203 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,530 THAT'D BE BAD. 204 00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:13,527 INTERESTING--YOU'RE MAD AT YOUR HAMSTER. 205 00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:15,427 (laughter) 206 00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:18,827 "HOLD ON!" (laughter) 207 00:09:18,867 --> 00:09:20,827 "YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE." 208 00:09:20,867 --> 00:09:23,097 (laughter) "THROWING YOUR WEIGHT AROUND." 209 00:09:23,133 --> 00:09:25,103 (laughter) 210 00:09:25,133 --> 00:09:28,103 GOOD--WHEN YOU NEED TO GET THINGS DONE. (laughter) 211 00:09:28,133 --> 00:09:30,533 BAD--WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT. (laughter) 212 00:09:30,567 --> 00:09:32,527 NOT COOL. 213 00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:34,527 (laughter) 214 00:09:34,567 --> 00:09:36,527 INTERESTING... (laughs) WHEN YOU'VE HAD LIPOSUCTION. 215 00:09:36,567 --> 00:09:38,527 (laughter) 216 00:09:38,567 --> 00:09:40,227 (chuckles) 217 00:09:40,267 --> 00:09:44,067 (applause) (chuckles) 218 00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:47,530 "STANDING ABSOLUTELY STILL." 219 00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:50,527 GOOD--YOU'RE HIDING. (laughter) 220 00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:52,667 BAD... (laughs) YOU'RE REPRODUCING. 221 00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:56,530 (laughter) 222 00:09:56,567 --> 00:09:58,527 "WE GOT THIS. WE GOT THIS." 223 00:09:58,567 --> 00:10:00,527 (laughter) 224 00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,067 (chuckles) 225 00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:05,070 (laughs) INTERESTING-- YOU'RE IN A DANCE CONTEST. 226 00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:06,930 (laughter) 227 00:10:06,967 --> 00:10:12,367 "FASCINATING MOVE!" (laughter) 228 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,900 "PASSING BILL." 229 00:10:14,933 --> 00:10:17,533 GOOD--YOU'RE A CONGRESSMAN. 230 00:10:17,567 --> 00:10:20,797 BAD--BILL'S CAR BROKE DOWN. (laughter) 231 00:10:22,867 --> 00:10:24,827 "HI, BILL." 232 00:10:24,867 --> 00:10:26,867 (laughter) 233 00:10:29,033 --> 00:10:32,033 INTERESTING--YOU NAME YOUR KIDNEY STONES. (laughs) 234 00:10:32,067 --> 00:10:34,127 (chuckles) 235 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,467 "BILL!" 236 00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:39,500 ** 237 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,570 I'M GLAD YOU'RE PLEASED, GENERAL BILE. 238 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,070 THIS IS TRULY A HISTORIC MOMENT. 239 00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:55,470 MY DELEGATES ARE READY TO REPRESENT THE GOBO PEOPLE 240 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,770 IN THE SIGNING OF THIS TREATY. 241 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,070 HANSON, ARE WE READY TO BEAM THEM OVER? TRANSPORTER ENGAGED. 242 00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:03,067 (switch clicks) THIS SHALL BE RECORDED FOR MY CHILDREN 243 00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:06,097 AND MY CHILDREN'S CHILDREN. (beam zapping) 244 00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,203 UH-OH, SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT. 245 00:11:08,233 --> 00:11:11,233 (beam pulsing) (General Bile) WHAT?! 246 00:11:11,267 --> 00:11:13,427 HOW DARE YOU! 247 00:11:13,467 --> 00:11:16,227 THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. (gasps) 248 00:11:16,267 --> 00:11:19,227 OH (bleep)! I'M SO SORRY, GENERAL BILE. 249 00:11:19,267 --> 00:11:22,067 THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. 250 00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:24,367 UH, PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY, 251 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,630 AND WE CAN PROCEED WITH THE SIGNING 252 00:11:26,667 --> 00:11:28,297 OF THE PEACE AGREEMENT. ABSOLUTELY NOT. 253 00:11:28,333 --> 00:11:29,803 WE CANNOT HAVE THIS TERRIBLE IMAGE 254 00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:31,633 MAKE ITS WAY INTO THE GOBIAN HISTORY. 255 00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:34,227 I WILL BE SENDING TWO NEW DELEGATES TO YOUR SHIP. 256 00:11:34,267 --> 00:11:37,197 SORRY, GUYS. (Captain Sullivan) UH, 257 00:11:37,233 --> 00:11:40,073 GENERAL BILE, I'M SORRY. CAN WE PUT YOU ON HOLD FOR A SECOND? 258 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,597 IF YOU MUST. 259 00:11:41,633 --> 00:11:43,073 HOLD ENGAGED. (computer beeps) 260 00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:45,800 WHAT HAPPENED? I DON'T KNOW. 261 00:11:45,833 --> 00:11:47,673 HANSON, I NEED YOU TO FIX IT RIGHT NOW. (computer pulses, switch clicks) 262 00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:49,300 UH, I FOUND IT. I THINK I FOUND IT. 263 00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:51,303 YOU THINK SO, OR YOU KNOW SO, HANSON? 264 00:11:51,333 --> 00:11:54,573 I THINK I KNOW SO. (laughter) 265 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,500 YEAH. (sighs) 266 00:11:56,533 --> 00:12:00,073 ALL RIGHT, TAKE 'EM OFF HOLD. (computer beeps) 267 00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:03,267 WE CAN CONTINUE NOW, GENERAL BILE. SORRY. 268 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,830 CAPTAIN SULLIVAN, WHENEVER YOU ARE READY. 269 00:12:05,867 --> 00:12:07,567 HANSON, ENGAGE TRANSPORTER. 270 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,570 (switch clicks) TRANSPORTER ENGAGED. 271 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:13,070 (computer pulses) (General Bile) AFTER 200 YEARS, 272 00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:15,067 PEACE AT LAST. 273 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,697 (beam zapping) I SHALL NEVER FORGET THIS MOMENT. 274 00:12:17,733 --> 00:12:19,873 (beam pulses) (laughter) 275 00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:22,130 (General Bile growls) 276 00:12:22,167 --> 00:12:25,297 HOW DARE YOU! 277 00:12:25,333 --> 00:12:26,673 HOLY (bleep)! 278 00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:29,630 UH-OH. UH-OH. ARE YOU TRYING TO DISGRACE US? 279 00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:32,067 UH... I'M REBOOTING. I'M GONNA REBOOT THE WHOLE SYSTEM. 280 00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:34,797 EXPLAIN PLEASE. I'M SO SORRY, GENERAL. 281 00:12:34,833 --> 00:12:37,533 I-I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. WHY DID HE HAVE A BALL GAG IN HIS MOUTH? 282 00:12:37,567 --> 00:12:41,067 (General Bile) CAPTAIN SULLIVAN, THIS ACT OF DISRESPECT... I GOT IT. I GOT IT. IT'S FINE. 283 00:12:41,067 --> 00:12:43,867 (sighs) TESTS THE PATIENCE OF THE GOBO PEOPLE. 284 00:12:43,900 --> 00:12:45,370 YOU KNOW WHAT? 285 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,870 WHY DON'T WE TRY SENDING OVER JUST ONE PERSON? 286 00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:50,570 I THINK IT'S THE TWO PEOPLE THAT'S CREATING THE PROBLEM, 287 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,070 RIGHT, HANSON? THAT'S RIGHT, SIR. 288 00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:54,230 GOOD. (whispering) IT'S NOT MY FAULT. 289 00:12:54,267 --> 00:12:56,527 (General Bile) AND YOU CAN ASSURE ME... I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. 290 00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,767 THAT HE WILL ARRIVE AS HE LEAVES? I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT. 291 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,330 HANSON? YES, SIR. 292 00:13:00,367 --> 00:13:01,827 OKAY. ENGAGING TRANSPORTER. 293 00:13:01,867 --> 00:13:03,827 LET ME SAY IT FIRST, HANSON! 294 00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:06,197 ENGAGE TRANSPORTER, HANSON. 295 00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:09,433 TRANSPORTER ENGAGED. (beam pulses) 296 00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:12,327 LET THIS MOMENT BE ETCHED FOREVER 297 00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:15,527 IN THE STONES OF OSMOND. (beam zaps) 298 00:13:15,567 --> 00:13:17,527 (muffled yelling) OH, GOD. 299 00:13:17,567 --> 00:13:20,067 DO I LOOK? DO I EVEN LOOK? DO I LOOK? SIR, 300 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:22,070 DO NOT, SIR. (muffled yelling) 301 00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:24,797 HOLY (bleep)! (General Bile growls) 302 00:13:24,833 --> 00:13:27,273 UH-OH. THIS IS GROUNDS TO START THE WAR AGAIN 303 00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:29,300 BETWEEN OUR PEOPLE. (Hanson) GOD. 304 00:13:29,333 --> 00:13:31,303 UH, GENERAL BILE, I'M--I'M-- (muffled yelling) 305 00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:33,073 I-I'M SHOCKED AND EMBARRASSED. 306 00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,567 CAN I PUT YOU ON HOLD FOR JUST ONE SECOND, SIR? 307 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,130 (groans) 308 00:13:37,167 --> 00:13:39,497 (computer beeps) HANSON, WHAT THE (bleep)? 309 00:13:39,533 --> 00:13:41,573 (whispering) HE'S PISSED. HE'S PISSED. WHAT THE (bleep)? 310 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,070 WHAT'S GOING ON?! (normal voice) CAPTAIN, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE AGAIN 311 00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:45,667 FOR THE MALFUNCTION. 312 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:48,170 YOU SAID YOU FIXED IT! THIS SWITCH HAS AN UP AND DOWN POSITION, 313 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,770 AND IT TURNS OUT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE MIDDLE POSITION. (sighs) 314 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,730 I DID NOT REALIZE THERE WAS A THIRD POSITION. 315 00:13:52,767 --> 00:13:54,667 WHAT THE (bleep)? WE ARE (bleep)! 316 00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:58,430 WE'RE GOOD TO GO, SIR. AND I SHOULD TRUST YOU BECAUSE OF LAST TIME, RIGHT, 317 00:13:58,467 --> 00:14:00,927 WHEN THE GUY CAME IN ROLLED UP IN A BALL 318 00:14:00,967 --> 00:14:02,927 SUCKING HIS OWN (bleep)?! 319 00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:06,067 (laughter) IT'S FIXED. 320 00:14:06,067 --> 00:14:08,497 IT'S FIXED? YEAH. 321 00:14:08,533 --> 00:14:11,503 (sighs) ALL RIGHT, TAKE 'EM OFF HOLD. 322 00:14:11,533 --> 00:14:13,303 (computer beeps) OFF HOLD. 323 00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:16,203 (Captain Sullivan) GENERAL BILE... YES? 324 00:14:16,233 --> 00:14:18,203 BELIEVE ME, I WOULD NOT TELL YOU 325 00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,073 THAT WE FIXED THIS PROBLEM... (computer pulses) 326 00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:22,067 UNLESS I KNEW 327 00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:25,167 100% CERTAINTY 328 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,700 THAT THE PROBLEM IS FIXED, AND IT IS. 329 00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:30,273 AS THE LEGACY OF OUR FATHERS WAS TO MAKE WAR, 330 00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:33,870 OUR LEGACY WILL BE TO MAKE PEACE. 331 00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:36,430 YOU ARE RIGHT, BUT WE ARE OUT OF DELEGATES. 332 00:14:36,467 --> 00:14:39,597 I'LL HAVE TO COME OVER AND SIGN THE TREATY MYSELF. 333 00:14:39,633 --> 00:14:41,433 UH... 334 00:14:41,467 --> 00:14:45,267 AND I WILL BE BRINGING MY SON. 335 00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:46,570 OH, BOY. 336 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,100 (bleep) UH-OH. UH-OH. (switches clicking) 337 00:14:49,133 --> 00:14:50,533 (laughter) (sighs) 338 00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:54,067 CAPTAIN, I AM READY. 339 00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:56,597 IT'S GONNA BE GREAT. (laughter) 340 00:14:56,633 --> 00:14:58,603 YOU KNOW WHAT? (sighs) 341 00:14:58,633 --> 00:15:00,533 FIRE ALL WEAPONS. JUST FIRE. 342 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,067 WHAT, CAPTAIN? YOU HEARD ME. FIRE ON 'EM, 'CAUSE WE'RE DONE. 343 00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,070 (switches clicking) FIRING ALL WEAPONS. 344 00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:08,370 WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, HANSON. IT WASN'T MY FAULT. 345 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,470 (General Bile) WAR! (laser guns zapping) 346 00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:13,400 (fanfare plays) 347 00:15:15,333 --> 00:15:18,333 ** 348 00:15:22,567 --> 00:15:24,067 NEXT. 349 00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:26,067 PEOPLE USE A LOT OF OLD EXPRESSIONS. 350 00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:28,527 I'D LIKE TO NOW SHOW YOU SOME NEW EXPRESSIONS 351 00:15:28,567 --> 00:15:32,067 USING SCENE WORK. 352 00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:34,327 (electronic tones play) 353 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,667 SO DID YOU HEAR ED TELLING THAT STORY? I COULDN'T FOLLOW IT. 354 00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:39,670 OH, GOD, WHEN ED TELLS A STORY, FORGET IT. 355 00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:41,870 HE'S TOTALLY GRANDPA'S EYEBROWS. 356 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,600 (laughter) 357 00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:48,427 ...ALL OVER THE PLACE. 358 00:15:48,467 --> 00:15:50,327 (laughter) 359 00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:53,327 (applause) 360 00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:55,827 MY SISTER, SHE'S GETTING HER NOSE DONE, HER LIPS DONE, 361 00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:57,897 HER CHEEKS LIFTED. IT'S CRAZY. 362 00:15:57,933 --> 00:16:01,103 REALLY? SHE LOOKED FINE. TALK ABOUT EATING RICE WITH STILTS. 363 00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:04,073 (laughter) 364 00:16:04,067 --> 00:16:06,067 ...YOU OVERDID IT. 365 00:16:06,067 --> 00:16:07,897 (laughter) 366 00:16:07,933 --> 00:16:10,403 CHOPSTICKS WORK FINE. WHY ARE YOU USING STILTS? 367 00:16:10,433 --> 00:16:13,633 NOW YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS. (laughter) 368 00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:17,067 (applause) 369 00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:22,130 HEY. HI. 370 00:16:22,167 --> 00:16:23,627 CAN YOU BELIEVE JAKE? 371 00:16:23,667 --> 00:16:25,867 I MEAN, HE PICKED THE RESTAURANT WE'RE GOING TO, 372 00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:29,300 NOW HE WANTS TO PICK THE MOVIE? (scoffs) JAKE--HE'S TRYING TO MEET THE MAYOR TWICE. 373 00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:31,203 (laughter) RIGHT. 374 00:16:33,833 --> 00:16:36,803 ...YOU ALREADY MET THE MAYOR. NOW YOU WANT TO MEET HIM AGAIN? 375 00:16:36,833 --> 00:16:39,803 (laughter) YOU'RE A PUSHY-ASS (bleep)! 376 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:43,303 (laughter and applause) 377 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:49,470 (clears throat) YOUR HONOR... 378 00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:50,930 ORDER, ORDER! 379 00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:55,970 UM, I-I--YOUR HONOR-- (gavel bangs) 380 00:16:56,067 --> 00:16:57,267 ORDER, ORDER! 381 00:16:57,300 --> 00:17:00,330 (laughter) OKAY. 382 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:03,127 I-IN MARCH OF 2008, I-- (gavel bangs) 383 00:17:03,167 --> 00:17:05,467 ORDER, ORDER! 384 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:07,430 (laughter) 385 00:17:07,467 --> 00:17:11,197 I-I RENT AN APARTMENT FROM THE-- (gavel bangs) 386 00:17:11,233 --> 00:17:13,703 ORDER, ORDER! (laughter) 387 00:17:16,367 --> 00:17:17,697 (laughter) 388 00:17:17,733 --> 00:17:21,203 JUST CAN I SAY-- 389 00:17:21,233 --> 00:17:23,703 I RENTED AN APARTMENT-- (gavel bangs) 390 00:17:23,733 --> 00:17:25,933 ORDER, ORDER! 391 00:17:29,167 --> 00:17:31,127 $1,500 IN A SECURE-- (gavel bangs) 392 00:17:31,167 --> 00:17:33,127 ORDER, ORDER! HE OWES ME MONEY. 393 00:17:33,167 --> 00:17:35,067 (bangs gavel) ORDER, ORDER! HE OWES ME $2,000. 394 00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:37,367 (gavel bangs) ORDER, ORDER! 395 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,630 (laughter) (tapping knuckles on table) 396 00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:43,067 I (bleep) HATE YOU. I (bleep) HATE YOU. ORDER, ORDER! ORDER, ORDER, ORDER! 397 00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:45,397 YOU'RE THE WORST JUDGE I'VE EVER (bleep) HAD, MAN! ORDER, ORDER! 398 00:17:45,433 --> 00:17:47,933 YOU'RE THE WORST (bleep) JUDGE I'VE EVER HAD. ORDER, ORDER! 399 00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:50,397 I CAN'T (bleep) STAND YOU. "ORDER, ORDER, ORDER!" ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER! 400 00:17:50,433 --> 00:17:53,403 "ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER!" ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER! 401 00:17:53,433 --> 00:17:55,703 WELL, YOU KEEP DOING THAT... ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER. 402 00:17:55,733 --> 00:17:58,733 I OUGHT TO (bleep) ASSAULT YOU BECAUSE WHEN I JUST... ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, 403 00:17:58,767 --> 00:18:01,797 ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER, ORDER! TALKING ABOUT MY THING, YOU JUST KEEP... RIGHT. 404 00:18:01,833 --> 00:18:03,573 (laughter) 405 00:18:06,467 --> 00:18:08,467 (laughter) 406 00:18:10,467 --> 00:18:12,427 (dramatic music plays) 407 00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,427 (applause) 408 00:18:14,467 --> 00:18:17,367 ** 409 00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:29,127 ** 410 00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:31,427 (dramatic music playing) 411 00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:33,627 GIVE ME YOUR HAND. 412 00:18:33,667 --> 00:18:36,227 GIVE ME THE IDOL OF OZAR. NO. 413 00:18:36,267 --> 00:18:38,367 YOU'RE GONNA FALL AND DIE. GIVE ME YOUR HAND. 414 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,600 YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO NEGOTIATE, MY FRIEND. 415 00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:43,273 (laughter) 416 00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:45,230 WHAT? 417 00:18:45,267 --> 00:18:47,797 I'M GOING TO COUNT TO THREE, AND THEN I'M GOING TO KILL YOU. 418 00:18:47,833 --> 00:18:50,073 ONE... (scoffs) 419 00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:51,400 TWO... WAIT A SECOND. 420 00:18:51,433 --> 00:18:53,173 WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN YOU GET TO THREE? 421 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,600 THAT'S ON A STRICTLY NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS. 422 00:18:55,633 --> 00:18:58,873 LOOK, I'M GONNA COUNT TO THREE IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME YOUR HAND. 423 00:18:58,900 --> 00:19:01,600 ONE... NO, I SAID, "I'M GONNA COUNT TO THREE." 424 00:19:01,633 --> 00:19:03,803 TWO... I SAID, "I'M GOING TO COUNT TO THREE." 425 00:19:03,833 --> 00:19:07,073 I DIDN'T SAY YOU TO COUNT TO THREE. I GROW WEARY OF YOUR GAMES. 426 00:19:07,067 --> 00:19:09,067 I DON'T SEE HOW THIS IS A GAME. 427 00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:10,627 YOU GIVE ME YOUR HAND AND YOU LIVE. 428 00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:12,567 YOU DON'T GIVE ME YOUR HAND, YOU DIE. PRECISELY. 429 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:16,100 EXCUSE ME? YOU HAVE ONE CHOICE AND ONE CHOICE ALONE. 430 00:19:16,133 --> 00:19:19,073 YOU GIVE ME THE IDOL OF OZAR, OR YOU DIE. 431 00:19:19,100 --> 00:19:20,700 UNDERSTOOD? 432 00:19:20,733 --> 00:19:23,073 WHAT ABOUT IF I JUST STAND UP AND WALK AWAY? 433 00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,070 YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES. (laughter) 434 00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:27,070 AND BOTH, YOU WILL DIE. 435 00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,670 YOU WILL WALK AWAY, AND I WILL KILL YOU. 436 00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:32,430 I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS. GIVE ME YOUR HAND NOW. WHICH ONE? 437 00:19:32,467 --> 00:19:34,527 YOUR CHOICE? THE IDOL... 438 00:19:34,567 --> 00:19:37,067 AH, FORGET IT. GIVE ME THE IDOL! 439 00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:39,567 (laughs) YOU WALKED RIGHT INTO MY TRAP. 440 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:43,170 (laughs) YOU SEE, YOU WILL DIE. 441 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,870 ONE... TWO... 442 00:19:46,900 --> 00:19:48,070 (bleep) 443 00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:50,800 (laughter) 444 00:19:50,833 --> 00:19:53,773 ** 445 00:19:55,667 --> 00:19:58,627 I SAW A COMMERCIAL FOR A KARATE SCHOOL. 446 00:19:58,667 --> 00:20:01,467 AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A S-SCHOOL 447 00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:03,630 FOR PEOPLE WHO HATE PIECES OF WOOD. 448 00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:05,627 (laughter) 449 00:20:05,667 --> 00:20:07,627 'CAUSE THESE GUYS WERE BEATING THE (bleep) 450 00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:10,127 OUT OF SOME PIECES OF WOOD. (laughter) 451 00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:13,167 ** 452 00:20:16,667 --> 00:20:20,627 THE BIRD, THE FLY AND THE RUNNING CHILD 453 00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:22,127 ARE ALL THE SAME 454 00:20:22,167 --> 00:20:24,127 WHEN IT COMES TO A SLIDING GLASS DOOR. 455 00:20:24,167 --> 00:20:26,127 (laughter) 456 00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:29,167 ** 457 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,030 I BELIEVE I CAN CHANGE THE WORLD. 458 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:47,070 THE CLOSEST I'VE COME SO FAR IS I WROTE ON A GLOBE ONCE. 459 00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:50,470 (laughter) 460 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:53,470 I WROTE, "DIFFERENT." (laughter) 461 00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:56,500 ** 462 00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:02,867 Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc. 463 00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:11,127 (cheers and applause) THANK YOU. 464 00:21:11,167 --> 00:21:13,067 THANKS. THANK YOU, AUDIENCE. 465 00:21:13,067 --> 00:21:15,397 WELCOME. WELCOME TO "IMPORTANT THINGS." 466 00:21:15,433 --> 00:21:16,903 TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING 467 00:21:16,933 --> 00:21:19,073 IS CONTROL. 468 00:21:19,067 --> 00:21:22,067 (laughter) 469 00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:26,527 (applause) 470 00:21:26,567 --> 00:21:29,067 (man) WELL, WELL, WELL. WOW. 471 00:21:29,067 --> 00:21:30,527 (laughter) WE HAVE LOST CONTROL. 472 00:21:30,567 --> 00:21:34,067 TOUCHé. TOUCHé. (laughs) (laughter) 473 00:21:34,067 --> 00:21:35,867 ALL RIGHT, SO... 33999

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