Original subtitles

- Won't you come in. - Oh thanks.

Right. Now...

If you just like to follow me through to the studio.

Yohoo! Lester!

Look what I brought you.

This is Mr. Rose.

He's gonna do you proud, love.

Mrs. Snape.

Gillian.

- How do you do? - How do you do.

She's all yours.

Er, may I take your coat, Mrs. Snape?

Thank you, Mr. Rose.

Ah. A drink.

Get us in the mood.

Not much on offer, I'm afraid.

A glass of sherry will do nicely.

My word.

Quite an act to follow.

Mmm? Ah yes.

Most of them dead, alas.

So now you're stuck with me.

Our father died just over a year ago, Mrs. Wainthropp.

And my sister had this idea of lifting mother's spirits.

Stupid idea.

Oh, don't start all that.

We paid for her to have a makeover.

It's a day at a beauty parlour, all-over pampering.

66 quid it costs us.

And the photograph was extra,

which they did not make clear at the outset.

I paid my share of it.

We're not saying you didn't, Lysette.

This is your mother, is it?

He's given her nice shoulders.

It's not all he's given her, our Mr. Rose.

Do you mind?

12 weeks is all it took him to get his feet under the table.

They're getting married on Saturday.

What is it you don't like about him exactly.

Well, he's a Casanova.

The face of a mature woman is infinitely more...

...beguiling to me than the young slip of a girl.

Not only that, he's a barefaced liar.

Public school, Stonyhurst.

Captain of the rugby 15.

It's all Tosh, he was never there!

Bryan went over and checked the records.

You've just got to look at him, Mrs. Wainthropp.

He's seedy.

He's only got the one suit that we've ever seen.

And his shoes.

Well...

before she bought him a new pair.

Italian, very snazzy.

The point at issue is,

there's money involved.

Not just this house.

But quite a substantial amount in stocks and shares.

Father did very well out in polythene bags and bin liners.

And our seedy old friend's out for every penny he can get his hand on.

We think he's tried it before on others.

Without much success if he's having to try again.

What gives you this idea?

Well, he's got no bank account.

No medical history and no credit rating.

Well, not under the name of Rose anyway.

You found this out?

Oh, Bryan didn't like what he had to do.

Alright, I can answer for myself, Kelly.

The law's an ass in that quarter.

But my prime concern is for Gillian.

Oh, come off it Bryan.

She's my mother not yours.

Can't she live a life without you hounding her?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Wainthropp.

Wasn't my idea to call you.

She's wrong.

We want to stop a horrible mistake.

What you're asking if I'm reading you right,

is that I investigate this man's past

in the hope of finding something incriminating...

Never mind incriminating.

It's anything that proves our point

and you've got five days to do it.

How are we going to start?

You start with what we know Geoffrey.

Here, slow down.

I'm not showing me colours just yet.

So it's all on you at this stage.

Get in there and ask for information on a makeover.

What's a makeover, Mrs. Wainthropp?

It's when you have yourself done over, top to toe.

Facial, body massage.

Legs waxed.

Unwanted hair removed.

I'm not going in there asking for that!

Get in.

You couldn't have chosen better, love.

Auntie May will see a ton of difference by the time we're done with her.

Oh, is that her there?

No.

Yes, yes.

You spoilt the surprise?

I told her I was coming in to er...

...see my girlfriend.

Asking her out like, on a date, you know.

Come back when you're shaving.

Right.

When she's had this makeover, my auntie,

she goes and has a photo taken.

Over there, is it?

They say this Mr. Rose is the best.

They've been doing four months, the salon and Mr. Rose.

Doing quite nicely.

I asked was he's married.

'Cos my Auntie May was widowed.

- Aw. - She laughed.

Said she been asked that before, but he's spoken for.

Well done Geoffrey.

They've just gone in over there.

What now, I wonder.

Well if we knew where he lives, I can go and have a look round.

Get chatting to a neighbour.

You could.

Even though we're clutching at straws.

26 Radley Street.

I'll keep watch on things here.

Where's Radley Street?

Don't ask me,

ask a policeman.

I don't know what I've done to deserve you Lester.

Thought my chance of happiness had gone forever.

And you were wrong, weren't you?

You can still change your mind.

I won't sue you for breach of promise.

I don't believe my eyes, Geoffrey, I don't.

What you've done is a violation of somebody's rights,

don't you know that?

It weren't theft, Mrs. Wainthropp.

I was looking for clues.

Clues? You broke in, you stole!

What damage did you do?

Nothing.

Just, lifted the window.

Oh Geoffrey, not back to the bad old days.

Oh, I thought, I truly thought

we drummed all this out of you once and for all.

Right, I'll take it back then.

You can't take it back now.

He might be there, and then you'll be nicked for breaking and re-entering.

It goes back first thing tomorrow.

After he's gone off to work.

Do you understand that Geoffrey?

Right, no problem.

In the meanwhile...

What do you say we should do, Robert?

Hm?

Huh.

What's done can't be undone.

You might as well open it.

There were racing papers in his room.

With horses ringed.

So he's a betting man.

Doesn't account for his shabbiness.

The Queen Mary.

April 1963.

What would he be doing on that?

Ship's photographer perhaps.

Do you think it were the monkey that chewed the golf ball.

He's got a mate called Studger who's skint.

No date.

Hey look at this.

Darling Ricky.

When are you coming to ruffle my feathers?

Your fluffy little barn owl.

Ricky.

June '63.

It's two months after the Queen Mary.

Address Lytham.

I wonder if she's still there?

She's quite an old barn owl by now.

Do you think this is the fluffy little barn owl.

Or just another one of his conquests.

With BM.

Southport, August '93.

Can you find anything from Southport.

Ah! Yes Inland Revenue. Red.

But it's not for Mr. Rose.

Who is it for then?

Mr. Peterson, 12 Mallard Road, Southport.

Will you do something for me tomorrow?

As long as it's not breaking the law.

Alright.

Be outside the photo shop when he comes out at dinner time.

See where he goes,

who he talks to,

and what he gets up to generally.

And what will you and Geoffrey be doing?

We'll be photocopying this.

And this...

...and this.

And we'll be taking this back.

And then we'll be off to the seaside.

Excuse me! I'm sorry to bother you.

Um...

You haven't seen a black Labrador have you,

running this way?

I was walking her for a friend.

She's got an ulcerated leg

and the lead slipped out of my hands and the doggie went off!

Well now, er...

It hasn't come my way.

Does it have a disc?

Telephone number?

What name does he answer to?

Er... er, Blackie.

- Blackie? - Yes.

That's handy.

Now, you say you were coming down here

and you lost her running where?

No, I was coming up there

and the dog went off down there.

Ah! In the general direction of home.

- Yes! - His home.

Yes, well that's where he lives.

That's where he's probably headed.

Why don't you try that first.

Yes I will.

Thank you.

Blackie? Blackie!

I do hope you find him.

Try next door?

Someone of the older generation I think.

With a keen eye on the world.

No no, they weren't called Rose.

What were they called, Arnold, that couple opposite 12 months back?

No. No he were Richard and she had a fancy name, double-barrelled.

Me husband'll know.

Was it Peterson?

I, I don't think they were married.

But they were very pleasant.

He always had a twinkle.

But her if me memory serves me,

wasn't there something wrong with her?

Anyway,

one day, she vanished.

Vanished?

Yes, into thin air.

How do you mean?

Well, one day she were there, the next she were gone.

And he, well my husband will tell you,

I mean, he were like a lost soul for a day.

And then he were gone too.

I think they left owing money.

Always a shame when that sort of thing happens.

Didn't they leave owing money?

Would you remember what he did for a living, Mrs. Wittle?

Oh, I think he was on the smudge.

That's snapping tourists on the front.

He had a monkey on a chain.

And they er...

They used to drink in the Upsteps, wasn't it?

Oh Arnold'll know.

Ah these are detectives, dear.

They've come to ask after that couple across the road.

Caught up with them at last 'ave yer?

Well tell him he still owes me twenty quid.

Well I never knew that.

You didn't know that our Ida because I never told you.

You knew them as Mr. and Mrs. Peterson

but your wife doesn't think they were married.

- They weren't. - What were their Christian names?

Richard and Beatrice Marie.

But if it's her you want,

you could try digging up that back garden.

If that's what you felt, Mr. Wittle, you'd a told the police.

I said nowt then and I'm saying nowt now

for fear of upsetting the wife, right?

It's for others to find out. Good day.

[race horse commentary]

Well excuse me for interrupting but I want some advice.

It's my wife's birthday today but I'm no punter myself so,

what do you recommend?

You're asking me, sir to pick you a winner.

Hm, you don't have to, it's just that...

you have the look of a man who...

who might have heard a whistler from the stable yard.

[chuckles]

Well then now er...

Is it pizza tonight or do you wish to dine a la carte?

Sorry?

Is your dear lady worth risking you shirt for?

Oh she's certainly worth something

but I couldn't afford more a tenner.

I'm redundant, you see.

Nuku Puku, Haydock, the one-thirty.

Oh, right.

- Nuku... - Puku.

Form good is it, eh?

No form at all, that's why its 40-1.

Ah, right.

Everything to play for. Mmmm.

Nuku Puku.

"And 40-1 outsider Nuku Puku is maintaining his very good start."

"He's coming out of the next bend very strong..."

Yeah, I remember them.

They sat over there, lunchtime and evenings.

Two or three times a week.

Look, somebody's left them money.

We're trying to trace them.

Money? Well that's lucky.

He owed plenty.

So he'd have run up a slate then?

Who'd settle up?

Mrs. Peterson?

Beatrice Marie?

What's that to you?

It's perfectly common in cases of this kind.

Is it?

Yes, because we're also representing some of his creditors.

So with this windfall he's had,

we aim to get everyone satisfied.

He left owing me £42.

You've a sharp memory.

For some things.

So back to my question.

Was it Mrs. Peterson?

Aye, mostly her.

Except when he won.

Then I have to admit he were a gentleman.

Drinks all around.

Her purse.

Yeah he'd bring it up to the bar with him.

Big black velvet thing with a gold snake catch on it.

What, then one day, they just stop coming?

Person you want is Studger. Mr. Sturridge.

He knew them best.

"That's your lot mate", Studger.

Where do we find Mr. Sturridge?

Fish and chip parlour.

He owns it.

Out of here, up to the front, left, and follow your nose.

You go over Geoffrey.

That table there.

I never heard what happened to them.

But the night they were last in, she were upset.

Upset.

She ran through that door crying her eyes out.

And he were just sat there with his head in his hands.

That's all I can tell you.

You've been most helpful.

Thank you.

No! Detective Chief Inspector Adams.

Well, could you tell him to ring Hetty Wainthropp at home after 5 o'clock.

Yes, of course it's urgent!

What was she crying about Lester?

Was it a row that night which led to violence?

Murder?

He's out, is Mr. Sturridge.

Aw, that's a pity.

He'll be back about 6, they said.

Well we must press on.

The fluffy little barn owl in Lytham?

No, we leave her to flutter her wings another day, I think.

We've got to solve this vanishing act mystery.

I need to get home for that.

I'll 'ave to leave Studger to you.

Great.

Don't eat too many of those...

not good for your pimples.

Hello.

Robert.

- Abandon the case? - Yes.

So what if he is a con artist?

He makes her laugh, feel good.

Who's a lucky girl?

Unless you found something?

- Have you? - Nothing yet.

But whether I do or don't,

Either way helps your mother, doesn't it?

What you have to understand is,

we're a jealous and mean-spirited lot.

You can blame our father for that.

He treated us all like dirt, mother especially.

When Mr. Rose moves in...

if he does...

you'll be looking for a place, I imagine.

Me? I can't wait to get out.

I'm only here to see mum alright.

She was depressed stuck in this house.

I tried to get her a housekeeper.

Husband and wife. Him for the garden.

But now, with the miracle of Lester Rose...

(offscreen): I've got your case, love.

Oh! You've got company, dear.

Er Mother, this is er...

Mrs. Winstanley.

I came about the housekeeping Mrs. Snape

and my husband as gardener.

Your daughter was kind enough to see me.

Oh, was she?

Yes, of course. Housekeeper?

- Well, I'm not sure... - Thinking it over,

I don't think it will quite suit.

My husband's back, you see.

The garden would too much for him.

Thank you for your time.

Lady come about the housekeeping, dear,

but she's just leaving.

Whenever you step over that gutter you [indistinct] yourself.

Er... we...

we've met before, haven't we?

Oh! Er, I lost my dog.

That's right.

Yes, this morning, outside my house.

Did you find him?

He went home, just like you said.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

Lester Rose, how do you do?

How do you do?

Thank you.

My dear Lysette.

I've arrived, it seems.

It seems you have Lester.

Where now, upwards?

Well you should know, dear.

Outside your house, Lester?

Yes.

Nothing to do with me.

- I walked right into him. - Ya, hang on a minute love.

Who we talking about?

Oh, Lysette Snape.

And their mother. And Mr. Lester Rose.

I think it's all getting a bit too much for you, this one.

You should take her advice and quit.

I can't, not now.

He could be a murderer.

That's what his neighbours think in Southport.

They think there's a body in the back garden!

Come on, he's not like that at all.

How do you know?

Because I met him as per your wishes.

I found him a charming fellow.

He gave me a tip in the bookies.

I put a fiver each way on Nuku Puku in the 1.30 at Haydock

and watched him romp home second at 40-1.

55 quid, I made us, love.

55 smackers.

Ain't coming? What do you mean, ain't coming?

He's got a cold, Mr. Sturridge.

Cold?

We've all got stinking colds.

What was that again, son?

Enough germs around here to kill off an army.

Richard Peterson.

Or you may know him as Lester Rose.

Who?

Peterson or Rose.

You were a friend of his, weren't you?

Who wants to know?

He's my uncle.

Uncle?

Fancy that.

Yeah, I've come to tell him he's been left some money.

Uncle Richard? Money?

A fair bit, actually. In a will.

Not his Auntie Dorothy.

Yeah! She was my great aunt.

She's a grand old lady.

Two haddock specials and a mushy peas.

Poor old Auntie Dorothy.

Snuffed it at last, has she?

And they sent you did they to tell me about it.

To help find him.

Last we heard, he was living in Mallard Road

with his girlfriend Beatrice Marie.

Shod off sonny.

What? No, this is important.

There is no Auntie Dorothy, I just invented her.

And what would Uncle Richard be doing with a scruffy little oik like you, eh?

He's a toff. Went to public school.

Where are your class, sunshine.

Yeah alright.

Fair enough.

Bet you wouldn't believe what I really am.

- Wouldn't I? - No, you wouldn't.

I'm a private detective.

Well fancy that.

You're just what I'm looking for.

Picking over the bones of this case

and Geoffrey not here to keep my little grey cells in order.

I don't know which way to turn.

Well it's about women and money.

Lester plays the horses, loses more than he wins,

so he skips off owing money.

His friend, Studger...

Studger.

I've never heard of anyone called Studger before.

Helpful contributions only please Robert.

His friend Studger.

That neighbour at Southport. The income tax.

I prefer them golden brown to black as your hat.

They are golden brown.

Deep golden brown.

You go and sit down, love, and I'll serve up.

All right.

Where do you go next with that kind of life.

As far away as possible from people like Studger,

who want their money back.

That's right.

And if you got the cheek of the Devil

and a pleasing eye for the ladies...

Then you're home and dry.

And very nice too.

I hope Geoffrey is eating properly.

I miss his helping hand, Robert, to keep me on the right path.

There's a wise old head on those young shoulders.

Mmm. I wouldn't mind a young head on these old shoulders.

[phone ringing]

I'll go.

The question is

who set Lester up in that shop in the arcade.

Lights, cameras, rent.

That doesn't come cheap.

Who's paid for all that?

Wainthropp Detective Agency.

- It's Geoffrey! - Ooh.

Mrs. Wainthropp? I got myself a job.

At Mr. Sturridge's fish parlour.

Clever eh?

And where do you propose spending the night?

In a B& B.

Don't worry, I'm getting somewhere.

They were in the army together.

Germany.

- Two pensioners... - Look, I've got to go.

I'll ring in tomorrow okay.

Where is he?

In his idea of paradise.

There is nothing, Mrs. Wainthropp.

No murder.

Not even a death recorded of one Beatrice Marie Peterson

in Southport on the date you mention.

Of course it might have helped if we had her second name for definite.

Perhaps she hasn't been found yet.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Miss Devlin, I believe.

- Yes? - Sidney Sturridge.

Remember me?

We met at your mum's funeral.

Oh yes.

Fish and chips.

Please, in this town, Mr. Fish and Chips.

What do you want?

You still looking for her old pal, Ricardo?

Oh, he was such a beautiful young rascal.

He called me his barn owl.

Who could resist.

I was on the Queen Mary

on my way home from New York.

Oh, he knew how to snap a girl.

Lester Rose is still...

Oh no. dear. He was Rick Peterson.

Ricky boy.

Herbert never knew.

He'd have divorced me.

Oh, but we were shameless.

And afterwards...

you stayed in touch.

He never left my heart if that's what you mean.

That's Herbert.

His legs are [indistinct] farther than mine.

Sorry, what was your question?

Ricky, came back.

Oh yes.

But that was years later.

It was quite recent.

Turned up in his last pair of shoes.

Oh what a state they were in.

And did you help him with money?

Well, good God.

What else would he want from me, a quick grope?

Mrs. McCarthy,

I have to ask you.

Did he blackmail you not to tell your husband?

- Blackmail? - Mm.

Never.

And, what would poor old Herbert care now?

Oh, he was a bastard!

No.

No that was someone else.

Lester Rose, er Ricky.

Did you set him up in Blackburn?

In his photography shop?

Well, of course.

Is he making a hash of it?

Did the geegee's let him down?

Oh no.

The geegee's are running his way, Mrs. McCarthy.

He's getting married.

At last! I told him he should. I said...

Ricky darling, stop

farting about and find yourself a nice rich widow

and all your troubles will be over.

So I'm booked in, the whole lot including photo.

Who's gonna pay for it?

You are.

From your ill-gotten gains.

I was gonna buy you a dress with that.

And an a la carte dinner.

Kind you Robert, but I've no pressing need for that either.

No Hetty, I can't let you do it.

You said yourself he could be a murderer.

And you said he was a charming fellow.

Yes, but all alone in his lair.

Just the two of you and him knowing you're on to him.

Look Robert, I've done me investigation

and all I'm left with is other people's opinion.

But you've got...

The only way I can get to the bottom of this

is to decide for meself.

By getting him on his own,

revealing his true colours.

Hetty!

So no more arguments.

And you can have tea ready for when I get back.

You know what I think?

I think you've fallen under his spell.

Look, I've told you what I know, Mr. Sturridge.

You've told me nothing.

It's not keeping to our bargain, is it?

Friday night sunshine.

Frying tonight, plenty of time in the morning.

That's very good.

You're getting the hang of that.

[phone ringing]

Wainthropp Detective Agency.

You're looking for Beatrice Marie Devlin?

Who is this?

Hello?

Beatrice Marie Devlin?

Is that who I'm speaking to?

No.

But I know where you'll find her.

Lester?

Lester.

Look what I've brought you.

Good evening.

I've come to pick up my wife.

Mrs. Wainthropp.

Oh, Mr. Wainthropp.

You're going to be so thrilled.

She's just getting finished off by Mr. Rose.

A drink?

To get us acquainted?

Only sherry, it seems.

Then I'll pass.

But I don't want to stop you having one.

I had a dog.

Yorkshire terrier.

Got run over. I was six.

Cried my eyes out for days.

But then, what is life but a catalogue of woes.

One...

scratches around looking for some...

skin to inhabit.

Don't you find, one tries being this person, that person.

What does it all amount to, in the end, hm?

I find that a very sad view of life.

Oh?

Then you must be one of the lucky ones.

Sure you won't join me in a glass?

Very well.

Just this once.

Good.

Hate drinking alone in the company of ladies.

Now...

who would you like to be?

Would you care to choose a hat?

I can offer you... "My Fair Lady"

or...

"The Wicked Lady"

Julie Andrews or Margaret Lockwood.

Can you do Marlene Dietrich?

Night Mrs. Webb. See you tomorrow.

Night, Wendy love.

Night Mr. Wainthropp.

I hope you're pleased. She looks lovely.

See ya.

Here now.

Oh yes.

That's good, very good.

So now...

Hetty Wainthropp, my dear old ducky.

How many bodies have you dug up from my putrified past?

Was it Lysette told you?

No.

After the dog and the housekeeper

I was entitled to ask some questions of my own, wasn't I?

No, it was that tiresome woman over the way.

It seems you're famous.

I have dug up some skeletons, Mr. Rose.

Will you name them?

You've changed your name quite often.

Rick Peters, Richard Peterson,

Lester Rose.

And that's just the ones I found.

Rose.

My mother's name.

You know, I can understand that family wanting me vetted.

But a private eye, who do they think I am?

Bluebeard?

They think you're marrying Gillian for her money.

Yeah, well who says I'm not. It will come in very handy.

Can't one turn over a new leaf without dredging up the past.

I am what I am and she loves me, isn't that enough?

As for, taking the family silver.

Well...

she'll outlive me, they usually do, widows.

Turn your head towards me. No, towards me!

Or...

do they seriously think I'm planning to poison her.

Oh and you can tell that fellow Bryan,

I was captain of rugby at Stonyhurst,

under the name I was born with, Leslie Richards.

And I got a photo to prove it.

In your tin box?

Ah, so you did take it.

It's something I regret, I'm sorry.

We put it back.

Thank you.

You didn't find the rugby team?

Oh.

Well then it's lost.

Mrs. Wainthropp,

all that's really undone me

and if you're any sort of detective, you'll know it already...

..is that a lot of the geegees weren't always kind to me.

And beautiful women, who most invariably were.

What happened to Beatrice Marie?

Does he usually take this long?

- I'm going over there. - No, no!

He's just taking a lot of trouble, getting it right.

You don't fret love.

I've got you a cappuccino at counter.

She's the only one of them I've truly loved.

Her illness was also her strength.

On her high day, sheer joy.

Marriage, now.

Too many clinics.

I've already stopped her from ending it twice.

Then one night, near...

Hebdon Bridge, where she came from.

Where sh - she now lies.

So...

Mrs. Wainthropp, are you going to shop me?

Or is the joke on me?

The person we have to consider is Gillian.

Tomorrow.

Mm it's a punt I grant you, but...

odds are 5-1.

There's a bit of form.

You have to tell me now old dear.

Will you be my guest tomorrow?

Or the spectre at the feast?

May I bring my husband?

I just can't believe it, Mr. Sturridge, any of it.

Well believe what you like, sunshine.

That's a barefaced [indistinct] truth.

Ya, but he's getting married today.

I think you ought to come with me.

No no no no. I find weddings morbid affairs.

I'll see him after the honeymoon, he can pay me back the dosh he owes me.

Well it seems he isn't marrying for money after all, Mr. Harber.

He's come in to some of his own.

What?

A legacy from a late friend of his.

Her daughter got in touch with us yesterday.

Thank you for informing us, Mrs. Wainthropp.

I'm sure that's very good news for everyone.

Come on Bryan dearest.

No, Robert.

It's a family affair.

Mrs. Wainthropp, I've got to talk to you.

Let them get their nuptials done.

- Mrs. Wainthropp! - Yes we know it all, Geoffrey.

You can't know the half of it.

About Beatrice Marie and how she took her life poor soul.

And the life insurance she took out for him a couple years back.

- He can pay for all this now. - Yes.

Is it still the bride who pays?

Shhh.....

There is something else.

What is it?

- Mr. Rose, the groom do you call him? - Yes.

He's married.

Some fraulein in Germany,

on his national service.

After a drunken binge, Studger, Mr. Sturridge said.

He was his best man.

And as far as he knows, they have never...

What's the word, er...?

Consummated.

No, annulled. Never annulled.

Just cause or impediment.

We'll have to tell the registrar.

No, Robert wait! Don't be hasty.

Are you sure this man was telling the truth Geoffrey?

Or was he playing a joke?

Oh no, why should he?

He was dead serious.

We'd best be going.

You can't. We're guests of honour.

We can't join the party if this is true.

Oh, look.

I'll have a quiet word with him after the honeymoon.

I'm sure there's a simple answer.

It'll be alright.

Doesn't seem alright to me at all.

Oh Robert.

Let's give romance a chance.

Eh?

Transcribed by eggie1961 Synced and corrected by Pindiu