Original subtitles

No one ever imagined we would make it this far.

Incision-less surgeries, 4D imaging,

mechanical organs, stem cell therapy...

Every medical innovation seemed impossible,

unimaginable until it was achieved.

And luckily, we haven't stopped making advancements.

Your recent COVID test has come back negative,

your ABG's improved,

your RSBI looks promising,

and oxygen requirements have decreased.

If you keep this up,

I may just try weaning you off the vent later today.

Because the other side

of the unimaginable is death.

And the pain that comes with loss.

Dr. Altman?

Bailey said you'd need some help

covering the COVID ICU since...

- Since we lost... - Yeah, uh uh, o-okay.

Thank you.

And that side never stops coming.

We need some good news, Meredith.

Please, just... we really need some good news.

It's you again!

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com.

You going in today?

Day off.

Hey, if I say something, can you not judge me?

Because we're friends who bang, not friends who judge.

Mm, I have wrapped my head

around the concept, yeah.

I need joy in my life.

Val died,

and DeLuca...

I can't even say it yet.

And I physically have no more room left in my body

for sadness.

So I am switching specialties to OB

and all I need from you is encouragement.

You thought I would judge you for that?

I literally spend all day every day at work

wanting to walk out that door

just to go off into the woods by myself hiking for three months

until there's a vaccine.

There's not gonna be a vaccine in three months.

I'm sorry... You just said no judging.

I know, but that's just ridiculous.

Wait, so, you for real about switching specialties?

Yes.

- Wow. - Yeah.

What was that?

In lieu of confetti.

You okay?

No.

The kids loved Andrew.

He used to play his guitar for them

and teach them songs in Italian.

He brought gelato to every birthday.

And every half-birthday.

Which all three of these kids now think is an actual thing.

I'm just so sorry.

For all of you.

Aunt Maggie! It's your turn!

Okay, Zozo.

I'll be there.

Know what?

I think this crowd could benefit from some new East Coast moves.

Ndugu moves. What do you say, Zola?

- Gimme a shot? - Yeah!

Alright. Make room.

Unh!

Hey! Yeah?

Ooh, ooh! Come on!

And I just wish I had the chance to thank him for it.

Do you think that was okay?

It's a video tribute for someone whose brother got murdered.

Nothing's "okay."

But funerals no longer exist, so...

Do you want me to record yours?

I'm, um...

Yeah, just, um...

No.

And, uh, later today,

I need you to meet a team...

...from county at the loading dock.

We're giving them PPE.

They're wearing trash bags over there.

Mm.

Do we have extra PPE?

We have more than others. Which is extra.

When was the last time you were home?

Hunt! Yeah, Altman. Come in.

Meredith's stable.

I'm actually gonna try to reduce her vent settings today.

I'm hopeful.

Hunt, how are we with beds?

The normal COVID floor capacity's at 80%, ICU is okay.

Morale is pretty low with DeLuca...

It's hit everyone pretty hard.

Well, I expect DeLuca's autopsy results

by the end of the day.

You asked for his results? Why?

Andrew DeLuca was one of our own.

Obviously, something went wrong.

I want to know what that was.

That's all.

Bailey, I already told you every step of what happened.

Well after I could have done

something to change the outcome.

Shut the door on your way out.

Yes?

Yeah.

Alright.

- Dr. Connor to the ICU. - Thank you for coming with me.

I wouldn't miss it.

I have privileges, right?

My department, my world.

Dr. Gruber to the OR.

Helm, what do we got? Dr. Gruber to the OR.

Byron Gibbis, 52, found passed out on his front porch.

He's febrile, tachycardic. I also heard a big murmur.

Rapid COVID was negative,

no signs of head trauma, but I did order a pan scan.

Let's add a cardiac CT.

Um, do you work here?

Dr. Winston Ndugu,

cardiothoracic surgeon from Tufts.

He's got Osler's nodes.

Oh, my God. My God.

Byron, I'm Dr. Maggie Pierce. You're at Grey-Sloan Memorial.

You were found unconscious, and an ambulance...

- Get away from me! - Okay...

No, I'm serious. Everybody back up, okay?

I'm not getting COVID. Where are my clothes?

- Sir, please just... - Everybody here is sick.

Oh, God.

Okay, Byron, I know that this is a shock

and I know that you're scared,

but if we don't get a look at your heart,

you may not make it home.

We have all been tested.

If you need a mask or if you need a face shield,

we can get you whatever you need.

But, please, just stay.

I was so good.

I didn't go anywhere.

Let's get you ready for CT.

One minute I'm sad, 'cause I think about his sister

and his family and what a great guy he was.

Next minute, I'm filled with guilt.

Then I'm filled with rage.

That a person could

Do that to another human being.

I'm scared. Hopeless. Sometimes numb.

I can always go back to guilt.

Guilt is my go-to.

My go-to is numb.

Wow.

Did you just describe exactly what was wrong

with our relationship in only five words?

I think maybe I just did.

I just... DeLuca. I...

I-I just can't get my head around it.

What is this?

Looks like whiskey.

Mm, what was it doing

on the top shelf behind the fancy candlesticks?

What were you doing on the top shelf

behind the fancy candlesticks?

Are you drunk?

It's 9:00 in the morning.

Plenty of people get drunk at 9:00 in the morning.

Yeah, well, not me, Amelia.

I live at home with four kids.

Sometimes late at night...

...I have a drink in the garage and I play my guitar.

We're in a pandemic.

You drink in the garage? Do you hear yourself?

Do you hear yourself?

Hiding alcohol is an objectively bad sign.

Or it's a sign that I'm trying to be respectful of you.

If you have a problem, you can talk to me.

I'm, like, literally the best person in the world

- you could talk to. - Do you know stressed out I am?

All the time?

And now on top of everything, if it wasn't hard enough,

now I have to make sure that I don't accidentally mention

that their friend Andrew was stabbed to death

by somebody who sells children for sex.

Okay, that is all of us. That is not just you.

And not all of us have to drink to cope.

You don't have to, or you don't get to?

Because I get to. Because I'm not an alcohol.

I'm not in recovery and...

Y'know what?

I can't be here right now.

- You're leaving? - Yes.

Because I don't want to say something that I might regret.

Because I love you and because I'm a good guy.

But sometimes, Amelia, you drive me insane.

And... And this is one of those times.

So, yes, I'm leaving.

And I'm taking this with me.

Oh, and, uh, just so we're clear...

I'm coming back.

Because I'm not a bad guy!

No pressure, Grey, but we really need you to pull through this.

This place can't stand another loss.

Are we ready?

I'm gonna lighten her sedation...

...and then gradually turn down all of her settings.

And if she tolerates it, then we'll move forward

with spontaneous breathing trials.

Dr. Altman, I'm more than able to handle this

with the respiratory therapist.

Maybe you should get some rest.

I know how closely you worked with Dr. DeLuca.

Which has nothing to do with getting Meredith off the vent.

Come on, Grey.

Come on, Grey, you can do this.

You look just like Ellis just now,

the way you're looking at your feet.

So serious.

Then she gets that worried little brow.

This is torture!

You're right here, and I can't...

It's torture!

It's a torture of your own devising.

You were always good at that.

Good at what?

Torturing yourself.

I don't do that as much anymore.

You never got to meet Ellis.

We didn't even know.

I wish you got to know her.

She looks just like you.

She breaks the rules just like you.

And she's quick to anger. And quick to laugh.

And she's smart and pensive and stubborn, just like you.

Hates pink and purple, loves brown and green,

and... and gets enraged at the thought

of anybody wanting to cut down a tree.

Is... Is this thing clean?

People say you can't get sick from surfaces, but you can.

We thoroughly disinfect the entire room

in between patients.

- Sir? - Just... I need a minute, okay?

Can I leave my face shield, please?

- Sure. - Oh, God.

If you'd like, I can stay with you.

I can hold your foot or...

No, no, no, no. I don't want anybody touching me.

Nobody touches me, okay?

Osler's nodes, so... endocarditis.

Yes, but what is the underlying cause?

He denies intravenous drug use,

there's no indwelling catheter, no diabetes...

He said he hasn't left his house since lockdown, right?

May I?

- Hey, Byron. - Yeah?

Have you had any trouble with your teeth lately?

I had a... a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth,

and I picked it out with a paperclip

and... and now my gums are a little sore,

but I-I'm not going to the dentist.

I'm not gonna lay there with my mouth open for 20 minutes

inhaling somebody's spit droplets.

- No way. - Bingo.

Dental infection, which led to bacterial endocarditis.

Aortic valve abscess almost completely blocking the valves.

Helm, order some antibiotics and book an OR.

I thought of it.

You just said it first.

Oh, yeah, I believe you.

100%.

Were you looking for me, dear?

Yeah, I was. Yeah.

You know, I built my life,

my sanity,

my sobriety...

around the surrender to a higher power.

I mean, for me,

it's the belief that there's some purpose.

That there's a... a bigger plan.

Something that if I got all the way above it

and could look down on it

like, um...

- Like a jigsaw puzzle, okay? - Mm.

That somehow it would... It would make sense.

My faith is rooted in the trust

that there's a... a meaning and a wisdom

that I'm just not elevated enough to see or understand.

A faith that whoever made this puzzle,

it makes sense to Him.

- And it's beautiful. - Mm.

Today, I'm... I'm struggling.

I'm struggling with my faith.

I'm struggling to trust anything.

And I just cannot see any wisdom in this.

I live with stage 4 cancer.

A cancer very few people survive.

I just got the results from my latest scan,

and... nothing has grown.

It makes no sense.

Everywhere we look,

someone is dying that was healthy yesterday.

It makes no sense.

"Puzzle" is the right word.

You can look for the pain, the lost, the unbearable.

Or you can look for the beauty, the grace...

the miracle.

And nothing grew?

Nothing grew.

Okay, so, I know that people buy and trade

and get rich and then just lose everything.

But what exactly is the stock market?

It's a good thing you already know how to live out of a car.

- Why? - Well, questions like that

make me think you're gonna end up back in one.

Uh... who is it?

It's Jackson Avery!

I'm here for a quick bang.

I... Jo!

I...

Shut up.

Bad time?

Oh, crap.

Hey. Really bad time.

Um, I brought whiskey.

Oh, we're day drinking. Ah!

Sorry, dude. I didn't realize, uh...

No, no, it's cool.

Guess you're aware of our... situation, then.

Yep. Sweet deal.

Here.

Oh, no, I'm on, uh, call.

Oh! Dibs.

Okay. Cheers.

Happy...

all-our-friends-are-dying day.

I told him we'd move as fast as was safely possible.

His echo showed his ejection fraction at 6,

so hopefully his heart is strong enough to have a good outcome.

Who cleans his teeth with a paperclip?

Isolation makes people do crazy things.

We're not meant to be alone.

People physically need people.

Oh, no, no! Don't... Don't... Don't touch me!

Just back away! Please, everybody, back away.

- Dr. Pierce! - I'm sorry. I can't be here!

I can't do this. I can't!

- Get away from me! - Dr. Pierce. Dr. Pierce.

- Dr. Pierce! A little help? - I can't be here! I can't be here!

- Oh, God. - I can't! I can't be here.

I can't. I need to get out of here!

Okay, call security. I'm gonna go to the elevator.

- You go to the OR board. - I don't know where that is.

- It's... - Did anyone lose a naked man?

Because he went that way.

Oh.

Byron?

Hey, Byron.

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I can't do this. I can't be here.

I...

Oh, my God, my masks. I'm not wearing my masks.

Honey, you're not wearing anything.

My best friend, Rory, he was healthy as a horse.

Never worked a day job his entire life,

he didn't smoke, he didn't drink,

he... he ran triathlons.

He got the virus, he was dead in a week. A week!

Wife and kids didn't get to say goodbye to him.

Do you know how many people

they're projecting die from this?

Hundreds of thousands. I know.

And if you want to walk out of here,

I'm not gonna stop you.

Wait, what?

But I will follow you.

Because your heart's only gonna get worse,

and I owe it to you,

I owe it to my oath,

I owe it...

I lost someone, too, Byron.

Not COVID.

But I know that pain,

and I know how unfair it is and how enraging it is.

But I think...

I think we owe it to the people we lost

to live the lives that they can't.

Even when it seems hard, and even when we're afraid.

Byron, you have a problem that we can fix.

We can fix this.

But you have to let us.

I don't want to die.

I don't want to die.

I don't want you to die, either.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's get you a gown first.

She didn't even know that she was pregnant.

And then we saved her baby.

And then...

she died.

It's like, during a pandemic,

shouldn't all the other tragic crap take a break?

You're seriously gonna quit surgery?

I need some good things in my life.

And babies are good.

You realize OB is all about moms, yeah?

Yeah, who are happy because they're having babies.

Not having my own any time soon...

Fingers crossed.

...or maybe ever,

so I might as well hang out with some others.

I got like 15 of them at home.

Hang out with those.

It's so unfair!

You and Amelia didn't even want a baby,

and then you got one and neither of you died.

Oh, poor you.

You're young and single and dating a plastic surgeon.

- No, we're not... not dating. - It's just sex.

And you can still work. Oh.

Last time my life sucked this bad,

I quit medicine and moved to Venice Beach.

Ah, yes. The bike shop, right?

Heaven.

Jackson wants to run away to the woods.

Oh, nice. Can I come?

No, that would defeat the purpose.

What is the purpose?

You kidding? Escape. Outta here. Mm.

Escape from pain and rage and responsibility.

Escape from humanity.

I mean, trees don't murder people.

- Trees are not racist. - Mm-hmm.

Trees do not politicize a disease

and convince millions of people

not to protect themselves and others

by using a simple piece of damn fabric on their faces, so...

Trees don't even have faces.

You know what? Maybe you can come.

Ohh!

Uh, primary repair of the stomach...

...diaphragm, splenectomy,

and repair of ventricular injury...

All intact.

Ultimately died from coagulopathy.

- Like I told you. - Well, now we have it in writing.

Which will make the M&M go smoothly.

The M&M?

Bailey, what in the hell are you trying to prove?

It's Andrew DeLuca.

He gave five years of his life to this hospital.

We own him due diligence.

What about what you owe to your doctors that are still here?

The ones who've sacrificed their lives to fight a pandemic,

who hardly sleep or eat or even shower,

who see their families on screens...

Their faces are full of bruises because of the damn PPE,

and now you want them to sit in front of a computer

and be grilled on whether they messed up

trying to save one of their own?

Let them grieve, for God's sake!

You are causing me harm.

You are causing harm to Hunt and Altman.

DeLuca was a victim of a horrible crime,

and he lost too much blood.

No mistakes were made, no stitch was missed.

And the mere suggestion that any of us

didn't do everything possible to save his life...

...it's a pain I wouldn't put on anyone.

I want you closer.

Could you please just come here?

Do you remember when you were trying to teach Zola

how to ride a bike?

She got so frustrated because she couldn't,

and she threw it down, and she goes, "Mama, you do it."

And you couldn't stop laughing, and she got so mad.

Well, I was trying not to laugh.

So am I.

I can't do it for you.

It's your beach.

Zola's amazing, isn't she?

I mean, she's just so brilliant.

She writes me letters in her journal.

Did you know that?

Well, what is that? What is that face?

Would you start a surgery with a face like that?

No!

No.

You would relax.

It hasn't been that long.

Maybe we could decrease sedation a bit further,

at least run another ABG.

And hope she doesn't go into cardiac arrest

while we wait for the results?

I'm turning the settings back up.

Grey's staying on the vent.

How's the book report coming?

That was one of my favorites.

That's what grownups say to convince you

to finish your homework.

You got me there.

I'm supposed to write a whole page about living forever.

Mom says it's impossible. So what's the point?

Your mom is pretty smart.

If I made a medicine where you could live forever,

would you take it?

I don't know.

Uncle Link said, "Heck yeah."

That sounds like him.

Me, I don't know.

I think the fact that we can't live forever

is one of the things that makes life so special.

Impermanence.

I think if we could live forever,

we'd spend so much time losing the people that we love

instead of holding tight while we still can.

Impermanence.

I like that word.

Me too.

If I had the medicine, I'd give it to my mom right now.

Me too.

Hey, you want to call her?

Alright.

Hello there.

Can we have a minute?

Of course.

Hi, Mommy. I miss you so much.

I love you.

Um, I've been writing a page about living forever.

How are you doing?

It didn't work?

Altman wants to try again in a day or so.

When I lost my wife, um...

...the therapist, she said that

there's no wrong way to process the loss,

the grief.

But there is.

Over a bloody computer screen, it's...

...it's wrong.

Dr. Lyon, call the blood bank.

Dr. Lyon, call the blood bank.

- Ohh! - Oh!

You know the rules. Who deserves it?

- Deserves what? Rules to what? - "Make it Sadder."

We tell our sob stories,

and whosever story is saddest wins the last shot.

"Make it Sadder"? That's fun?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Alright. I'll be the judge.

- I'll be the judge. Alright, go. - Okay.

Alright.

I am currently raising four children

in a hellscape of a world

where people don't listen to science.

My parents are going ahead with their second wedding

even though there's a pandemic,

so they'll probably get sick and die.

And, uh, my last shred of me-time...

Sneaking an occasional drink,

which was already pretty pathetic,

I know... is now ruined.

- Yeah. - Mm, alright.

I had plans the weekend that everything shut down.

I had crawled out of my depression,

and I was all set to start over by...

going...

...going on dates.

- Oh, yeah. - Aww!

Okay, yes, yes.

You guys, I even bought outfits, okay?

- Alright. - Hang on. Okay. Ah! Okay.

Let me show you.

What do we have? Oh, this is cute, right?

The perfect thing to declare someone dead in.

Oh, what about this?

This, for the, um, career girl

that just spent, um, seven hours

making more room for bodies on the morgue truck.

Or... Or...

How about this?

This, for... for the funeral of a co-worker

who got stabbed to death...

who doesn't even get a funeral.

Okay, Jo wins the last shot.

No, no!

- Yes. - No way. Unh-unh.

- Unh-unh. - Thank you so much.

She has an entire loft all to herself!

Mnh-mnh.

- Hold on. - Ahh!

What's that?

It's Richard.

The memorial for DeLuca is tonight.

Alright, I'll drive.

Let's, um, get ready.

Orderly to 6 East.

Hey. Uh, just moved Mr. Cabrera up here.

Another complete white-out.

How's Meredith?

Um, uh...

It... It didn't work.

And I'm questioning why I even thought it would.

Well, DeLuca's autopsy results came back.

We did everything that we could.

I know that.

And he's still dead.

Your kids call every on a video chat.

Don't know if you can hear them.

Don't even know if you can hear me now.

You look perfect.

Maybe... Maybe

it's none of my business, Grey,

but I'm begging you.

Fight.

That's up to you.

But if you're asking me,

you should hear him out.

They need you, Grey.

The little one...

- Ellis. - She looks just like you.

She got all your expressions.

She doesn't smile easy or often,

but when she does, sweet Jesus, it lights up the room.

What did you do to make her smile?

You shoulda seen it...

She smiles and she smiles,

and it gets bigger and bigger until...

Boom! She just bursts out laughing.

What did you do to make her laugh?

Then her brother gets annoyed because she's laughing so hard

right in his ear.

That's Bailey.

And then the oldest one comes in,

and she takes the tablet and says they're hogging it

and that she needs time with you, too,

because she's the oldest and she's your favorite.

Zola.

Then I hear a click and a lock, but we're in darkness.

Can't tell who has it, 'cause I can't see a face.

But then I hear a voice, and it's the oldest one.

And she's sittin' in the dark.

She's in her closet.

That's where she goes to write letters to her dad.

And she says, "I'm really sorry, Mum.

Didn't mean for things to get so violent.

Ellis can be truly infuriating."

They need you, Grey.

I know.

They need you to fight.

We all need you to fight.

I don't know that I can.

It's... so warm here.

The water is so cool.

I feel so relaxed.

And there's no pain.

I watched my kids lose their mum.

You don't want that for your kids, Grey.

There are people getting better here every day.

You could be one of those people.

I believe that you could.

'Cause I've heard the stories about other fights

you've already won, so...

So I'm asking you to fight.

You fight, Grey.

It's okay.

I'll be right here.

Dr. Webber set something up for DeLuca.

A memorial.

I'm not a great Jew.

I cheated at my bar mitzvah.

I was too busy trying to ignore Lenny Rapkin's shins

that I didn't learn Hebrew,

so I just wrote it out phonetically, and read that instead.

I skip half the High Holy Days and repent for it at Yom Kippur.

And if I'm honest, I...

go back and forth about believing in God,

which is actually very Jew, but...

It's the traditions that I find helpful.

When a loved one dies, we have...

rules about how to grieve and move on.

Protocols.

We force ourselves to sit in the pain.

We cry.

And we laugh.

And we eat a lot.

And it doesn't bring the person back,

but it does start the healing.

Chief, your mom died.

My mom makes me crazy,

but I'm gonna fall apart when she dies.

And you have people you can be with.

People who love you and miss you and need to grieve with you.

This pandemic has taken so much.

Don't give it that, too.

Hey.

Oh, sorry.

Um, I'm about to head back in to check on Mr. Gibbis.

He's sedated and stable.

You gonna go to the memorial?

I thought bad things about him.

When he was sick, I thought, "Great, more surgeries for me."

I had no compassion.

And now he's just...

dead.

And we can't hug.

And as a rule, I hate hugs, but...

...I haven't physically touched anyone without gloves

in over two months,

and I-I feel like I'm turning into that patient.

Another week of this and...

I'll be running through the hospital naked.

Stand up.

And turn around.

I'm sorry?

Just trust me.

Thank you.

Spread out, please.

We may be outside, but we still need to maintain our distance.

Richard.

I'm...

I need to take some time off.

I'm not sure how long.

But I-I need to go home.

However long you need.

Everybody, can I have your attention, please?

Thank you.

I appreciate you all being here tonight.

Grey-Sloan is a family.

And Andrew DeLuca was a member of that family.

And his death, however brave...

Well, it's still heartbreaking.

We can't honor his life like we might have in the pa,

but we can still honor him.

Dr. Perez?

Hello.

Uh, my name is Andrew DeLuca, and I'm thrilled to be

applying to the surgical residency program

at Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital.

A bit about me.

I am Italian, but I grew up in Wisconsin.

A lot of doctors in my family,

including my big sister, Carina.

Um, I grew up stealing her game of Operation,

so I guess you can say it's, uh, been a dream of mine

for a very long time.

The idea of doing my training at Grey-Sloan

and... and learning from surgical legends

like Richard Webber and Miranda Bailey

and Jackson Avery and Meredith Grey...

uh, well, it just doesn't get any better than that.

I think the reason I want to become a surgeon

is that I've always had

this insatiable desire to help people.

And I think I get that from my mom, who I lost too soon.

And, uh, she had this really giving heart,

and she always pushed me to do as much good as poss,

so I guess I'm doing this for her.

Now, you should be warned,

I can be relentless at times, and very stubborn.

But I promise that, if I match with you...

I will give you the very best of me.

Thank you.

Alright.

At all costs,

we avoid negative experiences.

We ignore pain.

We steer clear of the unfamiliar.

We lie when asked about how we feel.

We shouldn't do that.

I stopped by the hospital for, um...

I watched.

I won't keep booze in the house anymore.

That's not what I need from you.

What I need from you is no more secrets.

It's just... We have this baby together.

We have this whole life together, so...

I want to really know you.

Deal.

I reek of whiskey right now, or I would hug you.

I will hold my breath.

Because I've learned something from these last several months.

Teddy?

Hey.

Teddy.

I'm gonna take you home, okay?

Okay.

The body can only take so much.