Original subtitles

**

( In the Mo plays )

RADIO: We interrupt this program to bring you a further bulletin

on TWA flight 3.

It has now been confirmed that the plane has crashed

outside of Las Vegas, Nevada.

Among the passengers was celebrated screen actress

Carole Lombard.

The zany blond comedienne known for her unconventional antics,

off the screen as well as on,

was en route back to Hollywood

after a successful war bond sales tour.

Stay tuned for further bulletins.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

( In the Mo Plays )

Captain?

Colonel Ryan.

Over here.

They spotted some people up near where the plane crashed.

Might be survivors.

There's a rescue party on the way up there now.

We'll be there in a few minutes.

Colonel, I'm Ellis. Sheriff.

This is Sheriff Ellis.

Mr. Gable, I'm glad to meet you.

I've been a fan of yours and Miss Lombard for some time.

Rescue team went up during the night.

Should know in a couple of hours if there's...any survivors,

and whether or not she's one of 'em.

We'll just have to wait it out.

( music plays in distance )

( honks horn )

( music plays, people laughing )

Hey, kid!

( whistles )

Hey, kid!

That's okay. Just leave it.

( tires screech ) Hold it!

What's your hurry?

Congratulations.

I haven't seen you since the preview.

You were just great, kid.

Ivan Cooper. Studio publicity.

Well, yeah, sure. Didn't recognize ya.

The party's just starting.

You know, you can change round the back.

I must have read the invitation wrong.

Didn't figure this was gonna be monkey suits in the afternoon.

You know, kid, it'd be good for you to be seen around here.

Why don't you run home and pick up a jacket?

Don't own one. In fact, I don't even plan on buyin' one.

This kind of shindig ain't for me.

I guess I'm just in the wrong league.

You know something?

After that preview, you'd better start getting used to this league.

From the talk I heard in the lobby,

the picture's gonna make you a big star.

You can have it with all that star stuff.

That's what they said about the last three.

You wait and see.

Won't be long before you're trading in this heap on one of those.

What? You kiddin'? This here's my baby.

Made the last payment on her yesterday.

She's all mine.

Well, so long, Coop.

( starts car ) See you around.

( siren blaring )

( radiator hissing )

Surprise, ya dumb bastards!

( all laugh ) WOMAN: Carole!

What a divine creation!

Casuals room at Saks?

Oh, no, honey!

Operating room, Country General.

I love it! Sylvia, hi!

Oh!

Oh, are you through with that?

You the new maid, my dear?

No, honey, I'm the old maid. Miss Lombard?

Myrna. God, I loved your last picture.

I enjoyed yours, too.

Oh, yeah. We all know it was the biggest piece of crap

Paramount ever put out.

Say, Miss Lombard.

Another round over here, dear.

I'm not the waiter.

Of course.

You were divine in Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, listen, Roger... Hello, angel.

Helena, you're looking for?

She's out there, I'd say,

potted along with the rest of the palms.

Oh, I'm gonna go get a drink.

Miss Lombard, what about my car?

I beg your pardon?

I gotta admit it's pretty funny,

but you see, I thought it was a real ambulance

and went off the road into a tree.

Oh. Ha ha ha!

It's great you can make your friends laugh,

but your little joke cost me three hundred bucks.

Oh, well...

See my secretary in the morning. She'll send you a check.

That's all there is to it, huh?

Don't be such a... stuffed shit!

I mean shirt.

You're real smooth with the wisecracks, aren't ya, doll?

I guess it's pretty funny when you're makin' $4,000 a week.

But when you're only makin' $85, those wheels mean something.

I don't suppose a big movie star like you would understand that.

I'm afraid you're a bit late, dear!

Tryouts for Joan of Arc were last week!

Hey, shithead! Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?

Just one of the little people.

For a little person you got a big mouth!

Yeah? Yeah, and no sense of humor.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You bully. Bully, huh?

If you were a man, sister, I'd show you what a bully was!

Come on! Put up your dukes!

Go on, get outta here before ya get hurt.

Oh?! Who's gonna hurt me, huh?

I don't wanna have to turn you over my knee and spank you.

Come on, stuff, spank me! You're askin' for it!

I'm beggin' for it, ya sissy!

I'm gonna teach you a lesson.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Holy jumpin' catfish. Where'd you learn to punch like that?

I've got two brothers. I've been fighting all my life.

Here ya go.

Only cost me 300.

The other ten's for your first boxing lesson.

Ya gotta go around showing you got balls,

wouldn't hurt to have the balls to show.

( fans screaming )

Security GUARD: Ladies. Ladies, please. Ladies, please!

Good morning, Mr. Gable.

Mr. Mayer would like to see you in his office.

WOMAN: Good morning, Mr. Gable. Morning, Irma.

Thanks for the tickets. It was a great party.

Aw, forget it.

How are the two sexiest girls in Hollywood doing this morning?

Woman #2: You can go in now, Mr. Gable Mr. Mayer is expecting you.

( typewriters clack )

Clark, my boy. How are you?

I didn't even hear you come in.

I've been admiring my latest.

"For promoting the highest standards of morality

"in American motion pictures."

Hmm.

Is that something? Hmm?

You look great.

You really do, you look great.

Ha ha ha ha! So how are you, my boy?

Couldn't be better, L.B. No, no, I guess not.

Not with theater owners all across the country

just begging for your pictures, huh?

You're happy with the new contract?

Fine. Just fine.

Good.

Sit down, my boy.

I have got some exiting news for you.

Tell me, my boy, do you know a property It Takes Two To Love?

It's a book, isn't it?

A book? Did you say a book?

No, no, no, it's not a book,

it's the greatest book ever written.

And it was written for you, my boy!

But the exciting part,

what makes this whole project just so special--

and don't let it ever be said

that I don't give my family here the best--

we're negotiating with Paramount right now

to team you up with their biggest star,

a girl to create the absolute balance,

the absolute chemistry.

I mean, the two of you will set the screen on fire!

Tell me, my boy, do you know Carole Lombard?

( coughs )

Clark, you must watch out for those cigarettes.

Carole...Lombard.

Yes. Just think of it-- Carole Lombard.

Forget it, boss. Nothin' doin'.

What nothing doing?

She's only the hottest thing in the business.

She's a nice girl, she's friendly, cooperative...

I wouldn't work with that loudmouth, fatheaded punk

if she was the last dame in Hollywood!

Oh, you know her? Yeah, I know her!

And you can forget it!

All right, if you know her and you don't like her,

it's a different story. Of course forget it.

You're a big star, Clark.

I can't force you to do what you don't want.

But if you could do for me just one small favor.

I've arranged for a lunch

for the two of you in her dressing room.

You what?! I know it was the wrong thing for me to do.

But I've already set it up, and it would be an insult now

if we canceled.

Besides, it's only a lunch. What's a lunch?

You don't even have to eat.

Just have a drink, you chew some cashews,

you smile a little,

tell her you gotta get back on the set.

Ivan Cooper from publicity will drive you over. Huh?

Means that much to you, huh?

Frankly, I could care less, my darling.

But it's not good business

to insult the #1 female star in the country.

Okay, boss. I'll have lunch with her.

But I'm telling you, I don't ever want to hear that dame's name again.

What dame?

( chuckles )

Irma, tell Ida to get me Broderick at Paramount.

Clark!

Clark! Nice to see ya on the lot!

Lafayette, we are here. Come on, let's go.

Forget it, Coop, I changed my mind. Let's get out of here.

I don't want to see this dame, I don't want to talk to her,

and I'll be damned if I'm gonna make a picture with her.

Will you relax?

Take it easy, it's not the end of the world.

Look, you'll spend a couple of minutes, okay?

She brings the lunch, tell her you got a stomach ache,

and you duck out.

Huh? Come on.

Let's go.

Come on.

Look at that face.

Will ya get a smile on that puss?

Oh, that's good. Come on, champ, in the ring.

That's it, that's it.

Five minutes, I promise. Five minutes.

Okay. Five minutes.

( clock ticking )

( clock strikes )

I can't understand what's keeping Miss Lombard.

Would you like a drink, Mr. Gable?

No, thanks.

Would you like to go to the bathroom or anything?

No, thanks.

Would you like an autographed picture of Miss Lombard?

No. Thank you.

MAN: Come on, Carole!

Give it to him!

Come on! Come on!

Okay.

That's it. Let's get outta here.

I'm right in the middle of a story.

Then I'll wait out in the car for ya.

And how is the car, Mr. Gable?

Hiya, handsome! That's me.

Very nice of you to provide an escort for--

what is it that they call you these days?

The, uh, The Duke-- no, that's John Wayne.

The--The Prince. No, that's Barrymore.

The King.

I knew it was something royal.

It's just that I've never played the Palace.

Well, can I offer you gentlemen a drink?

COOPER: No, thank you.

Dixie and I were just leaving.

Thought we'd give you a chance to...visit.

Thanks.

( door closes )

LOMBARD: He's a pleasant man.

How's the jaw?

Still there.

Well, I see you've done all right for yourself.

No complaints.

Women seem to respond to you.

It's a living.

Well, I've seen some of your pictures, you know.

You are very, very good.

Very assured, very commanding...

I just, uh, try and act natural.

Yeah. People are quick to spot the phonies.

You do okay.

So I hear.

Been meanin' to see one of your pictures.

Oh. You haven't?

Not yet. Been meanin' to, but been so busy.

Studyin' lines and all.

Say, uh, what is it you do?

Tragedy?

No, no, no.

Generally lighter fare.

Of course, when I, uh...

I said that you were good in your pictures, there are...

there were certain things that bothered me about your performance.

I mean, I realize that you're rather new to the business

and your first performances are bound to be a bit, uh...

undisciplined.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, well, uh...

let's just say that you make up in virile intensity

what you might lack in subtly and emotion.

I play men, baby.

Men can be human too, my dear.

Yeah? Well, you stick to playing your parts,

and I'll stick to playing mine.

Which brings us to why we're here.

When the head of my studio informed me that you wanted to make a picture with me--

Now, wait a minute.

Hold on. I wanted to make a picture with you?

Lady, I had to be dragged here today.

I said to him, "Darling--ha ha!--

"I mean, do you really think I should be playing

opposite this--this-- newcomer, this unproven risk?"

He might wipe you off the screen.

"I mean, granted, he shows promise,

"though he's so emotionless, and the public does expect me

"to match my leading men, not demolish them.

I mean, darling, what's wrong with Fred MacMurray?"

Well, the poor man, he begged, he pleaded he cajoled--

"Just meet with him, Carole."

It's a good thing he promised me new wallpaper over the toilet

or you'd be having lunch right now with Rin-Tin-Tin.

Funny, Mayer tells me this Lombard dame

needs me in her next flick to rescue a sagging career.

Oh, you should sag so well, honey.

So I says to him, "Come on, L.B.,

"here I am, the great lover boy.

"I made love on screen to Harlow, Colbert, Crawford.

"What's it gonna do to my reputation

"to tame some skinny, dizzy dishwater blond?

There's no challenge in it."

But he says to me, "Do me a favor.

Take a lunch with her."

Take a lunch?! Is that what he said?!

That's what he said.

Well, why don't you take your lunch

and shove it up your Moviola?!

I'd like to forget that this has just happened.

So would I.

So--

now that we've had our lunch...

...why don't we have our dessert?

I can't figure it. She's the most popular dame in the business.

Gets along with everyone. No temperament. A real pro.

What did you do to her?

I'm the first guy that ever put her in her place.

She's probably the first dame that ever turned you down.

Oh, yeah? Come on, face it.

For once the dame ain't yours for the asking.

She's a dame, ain't she?

Unh-unh. She's Carole Lombard.

She's a dame! They're all the same.

Hey, Coop, what's it worth to you?

What's what worth to me?

A week's salary? I'll put a week's salary up against yours

that not only can I have this dame for the asking-- why, I'll have her begging.

Are you crazy?

What do you say?

Come on.

How will I know?

Well, I don't know.

Well, uh, why don't I bring you a pair of her--

what do you call 'em?

Panties. Yeah, that's them.

Okay. You want to throw your money away, you're on.

Let's find a phone.

Lemme show you how to do it.

Hello, operator. This is Clark Gable.

Would you get me Carole Lombard's dressing room

at Paramount?

Thank you, honey.

Cooper, my friend, get that paycheck ready.

This is gonna be like taking candy from a baby.

( phone rings )

Hello?

Hello, Miss Blake?

Yes. ÀClark here.

Clark?

Gable.

Oh.

Clark Gable.

Is Miss Lombard available?

Uh, just a second. I'll check.

Carole, it's, uh, Clark...Gable.

LOMBARD: You tell that

son-of-a-bitch I wouldn't talk to him if he was selling tickets

to the Pope's wedding!

Uh, M-Mr. Gable, she, uh... she went to church.

She can't wait to talk to me.

Wait a minute! I'll tell him myself!

Oh, she just got back.

All right...

Yeah, hello?!

Hello, Miss Lombard? Clark Gable here.

I'd like to apologize for this afternoon. I feel very badly.

And to be honest with you, I have seen your pictures--

every one of them-- and you're my favorite comedienne.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you just save the bullshit for the chorus girls, dunghead!

I never want to see you or hear from you again!

You just stay out of my way,

or your head is gonna be so far up your rear end

you're gonna be whistlin' Dixie to your prostate!

( click )

Well, that's very kind of you to say so!

You'd like to see me tonight, would you?

Well, it's kinda short notice,

but okay, how about around eight o'clock?

Good-bye, Carole.

Okay, I'm impressed.

When you got it, Coop... you got it.

( starts car )

( small orchestra plays in distance )

( dog barks )

Hi, fella.

Nice boy. Nice boy.

You ever play Chase the Shoe?

I throw it, and you chase it.

Good boy!

Ya dumb mutt.

Thanks, pal.

Darling, that isn't Clark Gable over there, is it?

I'm afraid it is. Let's pretend we didn't see him.

Why, Mr. Gable. What an unexpected pleasure.

Welcome to the White Mayfair Ball.

I'm Edwina Foxcroft, your hostess.

How do you do, ma'am? I'm glad to be here.

If there's anything that you need,

please don't hesitate to ask.

There's champagne upstairs. Won't you help yourself?

Upstairs?

Well, thanks, Foxie!

Darlings, you will never guess who just crashed our ball.

LOMBARD: ...in the middle of the day! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Excuse me. I beg your pardon.

Have you seen Carole Lombard's new picture?

It's great. She's terrific in it. Never been better.

This kid's the best thing to hit movies since sound.

Well, thank you. So sweet of you to say that.

Now why don't you be a dear and piss off?

We'd better dance.

I can't believe him, coming to a party like that.

Oh, you dance so--

Beat it.

Oh, brother.

Do you mind?

You look lovely tonight, my dear.

Thank you. Who does your laundry?

Sorry I ain't much of a dancer.

Ha ha ha! Honey, you ain't much of anything.

Hey, let's get out of here.

I can't hear myself think with all this noise going on.

Don't worry, dear, you're not missing a thing.

Aw, come on, let's have a truce.

You're not gonna let a little lunch come between us.

Honey, that's the only thing that's gonna come between us.

Here he is at our ball.

He is a little muddy.

Was he invited? Of course he wasn't invited.

Say, Foxie.

Yes, Mr. Gable? What may I do for you?

Well, I been thinkin'.

All these balls are the same-- dance, eat, drink.

Why don't you try something different?

What precisely did you have in mind?

Well, I don't know.

I hear at Lady Astor's ball next week they're having a scavenger hunt.

Lady Astor is having a scavenger hunt?

That's what I hear.

Each team will pick up a list of items to secure,

and you will have two hours to do it in.

To find your teammate, simply check the slips of paper you were given

and locate the corresponding numbers.

Thirty-two!

Yoo-hoo! Thirty-two!

Who's got thirty--

Thirty-two! Who's got thirty-two?

Thirty-two! Who's got thirty-two?

GABLE: Thirty-two?

Did you say thirty-two?

Oh, shit.

Let's see now, we got the stop sign.

Mail box, drum... Mr. Gable, isn't this fun?

Pound of chopped liver.

Now we need a four-leaf clover.

You havin' fun, princess?

I was until this dumb game.

I tried talking her out of it, but she kept insisting

Lady Astor plays it all the time.

Okay, a four-leaf clover.

I know just the place.

Come on.

Forget it! I'm not going in there!

Okay, you stay here and rest.

I will.

It's okay with me if you can't take it.

Ohhh!

Argghh!!!

I thought I saw a four-leaf clover around here somewhere.

Get over there.

What do you know? A couple of movie stars.

You wouldn't like that pretty face of yours smashed in, would ya?

Don't worry, honey. You're safe with me.

Beat it, punks.

Watch it! Watch it! Oh! Oh, God, no!

Shake 'em off, Gable! Yeah, thattaboy!

Oh, give him a jab!

Jab him! Jab him!

Hit him! Give him a left! Come on!

Oh, yeah!

Give him a roundhouse! Yeah! Yeah!

Watch it, Gable!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Tony!

Ohh! Ohh!

( screaming )

Let me go, you bully! Aaahhhhh!

( whispering ) You got the blood? I got the blood.

Put a lot on.

Let go of me!

Thanks.

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh....ohhh...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

You poor man, are you all right?

Oh, my God, you're bleeding. I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

Hospital. Get me to a hospital.

We'll be at the hospital very soon.

Hospital? Yeah.

I can't go to the hospital. There's reporters.

Take me home. Ohh....

Are you sure?

Ohhh...I'll be all right once I'm in bed.

Ohh... You poor man.

Oh, God.

I owe you an apology. I had you figured all wrong.

Listen, my house is right around the corner.

You could-- you could rest in my bed.

Oh?

Where's the bed? It's right over here.

I can't wait to get to the bed.

Thattaboy--ooh!

Oh, damn those steps! Ow! Ow!

I should have told you about those steps.

I'm so sorry. Here, can you get up?

Damn those steps!

Here, slide down on the bed. That's it.

Oh, oww!

Oh! Oh, this bed is so comfortable.

I'm glad you like it.

You just pretend you're in a hospital

and think of me as a nurse.

And, um...

Oh, this bed is terrific.

I'm glad you like it. Now, just...

Oh, what a bed!

Now...

I took first aid in high school.

Uh, I know what to do.

I'm gonna get you a washcloth and, uh,

I'm gonna clean-- clean you up,

get some of that blood off.

Ohhh....huh?

No, don't bother. I feel better.

They say it's good to let the blood cake overnight, it's good for the wound.

Now, you just leave this to me.

Ohh...

Ohh! No! The light!

It's too bright, turn it down. It hurts my eyes.

I'm sorry-- It hurts my eyes! Turn it off!

I will when I'm finished. Now you just lie back and--

Here...

No, no, no, no...

You tell me if I hurt you.

Ow! Ow! It hurts! Stop! I know it does.

I know, I know. Don't be such a baby.

I'm--I'm-- I'm being as gentle as I can.

I'm starting to get tired.

I'm gonna try and get a little sleep.

Well, of course, after I get all this blood off.

Funny, it--

it comes off so easily.

Yeah, well, I was always very thin-blooded.

And such a--such a--

--bright color.

Just like in the movies.

Yeah. Well, we Gables are red-blooded.

Yes, very.

Who was the hematologist, Max Factor?

Huh? All right.

Get out!

Ohh...

Well, look... give me a chance to explain.

Don't bother. You went to a lot of trouble for nothing.

Well, what else could I do?

I tried being nice to ya-- you wouldn't accept that.

You wouldn't even give a guy a chance to be nice.

You make it a crime for someone to want to get to know ya.

Talk about no emotion.

Lady, you got a wall up so thick you couldn't

blast through it with a ton of dynamite.

I don't know what you're scared of...

but maybe it takes a better man than me to find out.

( clatter )

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Gable! Ha ha ha ha!

You won't give up, will you? Ha ha ha!

All right, Gable, enough's enough.

Look, I'm not gonna fall for this a second time.

Come on, Clark.

Gable!

Oh, my God.

Clark?

Oh, my God!

How do you feel?

Fine.

Oh, here. Here. I musta slipped.

Here, sit up.

Oh, careful.

There.

How do you feel?

Fine.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Look, you want a chance to be nice?

Be nice.

( birds chirping )

Good mornin'. Smells great. ( food sizzling )

I'm so hungry I could eat a dozen of 'em.

Well, I'll make you as many as you need.

You know, once when I was a kid I ate two dozen of 'em.

Just to show my brothers.

They musta had a tough time keeping up with you.

Everything was a contest.

I'll bet you showed them who's the better man.

Do I sound that way? I guess I do.

But you know, it's not my fault.

It's set up so that you can only make it if you're born with balls.

Me, I had to grow mine.

Where'd you hide 'em last night?

( chuckles ) Oh, God.

You know something?

You're really kinda simple for a king.

You can have it with all this "King" stuff.

I'm just a lucky slob from Ohio just happened to be

in the right place at the right time.

This whole acting job really ain't the thing for a man.

That's why you gotta come off twice as tough

to prove what a man you are, huh?

I told you once, baby, I just try and act natural.

Oh, yes, how hard we try to be natural.

But don't mind me sayin', but, uh, you're a great one

to talk about trying too hard.

Me? I act like I feel like acting.

I don't kill myself trying to live up

to some phony set of conventions.

Oh, come on, baby. You got your act so down pat

you wouldn't know what's real if it strangled ya.

Thank you, Dr. Freud,

and I do so appreciate it,

coming from the walking illustration of celluloid integrity.

Look, do we have to start up again?!

Can't we just eat a quiet plate of eggs?! Please! Eat!

After all, that's what we're here for.

I will. Good.

Here. Why don't you have some more toast?

You need all that strength for the cameras.

You gotta have the last word, don't ya?

You had the first, I had the last. Fair's fair.

You're the one that started it!

I did? Your line could have put you out of business!

I don't wanna argue with ya!

If I hit you below the belt, I'm sorry.

Hit me? Ha ha. You're nuts.

You're about as powerful as a chocolate eclair.

Off the screen, of course.

I gotta go! It's late.

Come on, have a cup of coffee. No, I gotta get goin'.

What's the matter, my coffee's no good?

He steals my virtue, but he won't drink my coffee.

I'll see ya around!

Hey, Clark.

Hey--hey, Gable.

The eggs weren't that bad, honey,

I mean, we could add a little Tabasco.

You don't quit, do you, baby?

Well, I...

Hey, look, come on back.

I'll--I'll make you up a fresh batch,

I'll even put some chicken livers in 'em.

If you smile pretty, I'll throw in a couple of gizzards.

You're really somethin'.

You don't like gizzards?

I guess I--

I do get a little carried away sometimes, don't I?

Well, you said it, I always gotta have the last word,

the funnier, the better.

It's crazy what you do just to get people to like you.

Only trouble is, I--

I end up making a damn fool of myself.

I wouldn't say that, kid.

I wouldn't say that at all.

Hey, I think you got a swell sense of humor.

Fat-ass people around this town

sure need you around to liven 'em up.

Only, uh...

what are you so worried about?

What do you care what they all think of ya?

I don't know.

Listen, kid, forget what they all think.

Long as you can look in the mirror and like what you see.

That's all that counts-- what you think of yourself.

Yeah. That's easy to say.

What if you're afraid of what you're gonna see?

Well... what are you afraid of?

Look, I was voted #1 Female Star in America, I make over $4,000 a week,

and I've never said "I love you" to anyone and meant it.

I just...

I never felt that way about anyone.

It used to bother me, thinking there was something wrong with me.

It was easy to forget about it

when I played the clown and heard 'em laughing.

I could kid myself into thinking I felt okay.

Maybe the truth is...

there is something wrong with me.

Maybe what you said last night is right,

I'm just a cold, empty bitch who can't get a hard-on.

You know, kid...

I never was much on all this psychology stuff,

but it seems to me a baby don't come into this world all cold and empty.

They only become that way if the people around 'em make 'em that way.

Now, it seems to me...

that you just mighta never met the right people.

You know something, Gable?

You're not as tough as you think.

Come on.

Try a gizzard. It'll grow on ya.

I'm sorry--I was only kidding. I really gotta get going.

Oh, well, I'll--

I'll get dressed and I'll drive you to your car.

Don't bother. I'll pick up a cab.

Oh.

Well, I'll call one for you.

Okay.

Well, Coop, if you look at your watch,

you'll see that it's nine o'clock on the button.

And what did I tell ya I was gonna have for ya?

You did it? I did it, all right.

I struck out.

And that's yours--

one week's salary.

That dame's no dame.

She's a real lady.

Talks tough, but she's all class.

You're no bum yourself, pal.

Handing over $2,000 to protect the lady's honor.

What are you talking about?

I couldn't get to first base with her.

Nice try, Clark,

but it won't work.

The old man knows all about it.

He knows you stayed with her last night.

And I gotta warn ya, he's on the warpath.

IRMA: You can't go in there!

You don't have an appointment!

Hey! I see who I want to see when I want to see 'em

and if you don't like it you can take your contract

and your studio and-- Clark, my boy.

Please, please, relax. Take it easy.

I'm on the phone with-- Harry? Yeah.

No, I'll tell him.

Harry says hello. Now, what's the matter?

Let's get something straight.

Nobody tells me what to do.

I'm gonna tell you what to do?

Me, Louis B. Mayer, a simple country boy from Nova Scotia,

is gonna tell you, Clark Gable, The King, what to do?

Especially now, when romance is in the air?

I mean, it is romance, isn't it, and not just a one-night stand?

That's my business.

But, ah, my boy, romance becomes everybody's business

when it's between two movie stars

and one of them is still married.

Come on, Ria and I haven't lived together

as man and wife for over two years.

But you're still legally married to her. You're not divorced yet.

I sure as hell will be

once we get the property settlement straightened out.

I got my lawyers working on it. They're trying to move her.

Well, until they do, my son, you just take a look

at this wall over here.

Those same groups that carved the plaques,

they also type the letters.

And I know those groups, I know them well.

My whole desk is full of letters from all those groups.

Here. Here, take a letter.

( chuckles )

Come on, stop being so serious.

You look beautiful. Sit down. Relax.

I'll read you a letter.

Here. They're very upset, Clark.

They saw a rough cut of a cowboy movie

and they think they saw a horse making an obscene gesture.

You know what that obscene gesture was?

The horse was taking a piss.

( laughing ) I swear!

There's 400 horses in the goddamn scene,

there's a battle going on, there's 800 extras,

there's about a half a million dollars' worth of sets and costumes,

and what do they see?

A horse with a big organ pissing in the field.

What am I gonna do? Horses have big organs, they have to piss, too.

So I'm reshooting the scene to keep them happy.

I'll pray next time we get horses with tiny organs and strong bladders.

Here. Here's another one.

"Dear sir, we find in viewing The Barretts of Wimpole Street

"there is a distance of slightly less than four feet between the twin beds.

"This is to inform you that in order to conform

"to our standards of viewing recommendation,

"the distance between twin beds in any one scene

must not be less than four feet, six inches. Yours truly..."

What am I gonna do, Clark?

We're doing a picture about the Barretts of Wimpole Street,

you can't have one of 'em sleeping over on Second Avenue.

God knows when he wasn't writing poetry

he loved to hop in the sack with the old lady.

So now they're asking me to make him an Olympic broad jumper now, too?

What can I do, my son? I don't want them banning the picture.

I've either gotta cut the scene or I gotta reshoot it.

Here's another one.

They're very disturbed there's a scene in Libeled Lady

where Harlow has a button on her blouse unbuttoned

and they can see she has breasts.

What do they think she has, Clark, bottle caps?

Do you see what I'm saying? Do you get my point?

They're all disturbed about buttons and beds

and bottle caps and horses' organs.

What do you think they're gonna do

when they see a married man cavorting around

with an unmarried lady in public? Hmm?

I'll tell you what they're gonna do.

They're gonna do what they did in '22 to Fatty Arbuckle

or in '29 to Mabel Normand-- they're gonna run 'em out of the business!

Those same groups took out ads in the papers,

they told their members not to go, and they did--

they stayed away, Clark.

But you do what you want to do, my son. Far be it from me.

If you want to keep smoking cigarettes, you keep smoking cigarettes.

If you think you'd be happier back in a lumber camp, then go,

you have my blessings.

But don't forget there's a certain lady who's also involved here,

a lady with her own career.

Carole, darling, I'm not here as the head of the studio.

I'm here as your friend.

I know it's only a technicality.

But you have to face it.

Legally, he's still married, and the world knows it.

I don't have to tell you the danger

if you two continue to see each other.

Now, I'm not going to issue you any orders.

I won't even try to keep you apart.

But I will ask you to search your own conscience.

And remember--

it's not only your career at stake...

it's his, too.

Get me Carole Lombard, will ya? I think she's at home.

( sighs )

( phone rings )

Hello, Carole?

Clark?

Yeah. Look, I just wanted to call you and tell you I was going out of town,

in case you mighta wondered why you hadn't heard from me.

Oh.

That's funny...

I'm going out of town myself

and I was calling you just in case you called

and you wondered where I was.

Oh?

Yeah. Um, my aunt had an appendicitis attack

and I'm flying down to see her.

Oh. Well, uh, my grandmother's laid up with a broken rib,

I told her I'd come over, cheer her up.

Yeah?

Well, keep her in stitches.

I'll, uh--I'll talk to you sometime, huh?

Yeah. Sure.

Good-bye, baby.

Yeah.

Bye, Clark.

Well, the show's over.

Never even had time for the popcorn.

( sighs )

He really meant something to you, didn't he?

Big-eared slob? You're nuts.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Go down to the Springs for a coupla days.

First time a dame ever got to you, eh, kid?

Hell, no. I just hate to break the poor kid's heart.

Look, I gotta get out of here for a couple of days.

Let's go down to Palm Springs and play some golf.

Great shot. I don't know how you do it.

So far you haven't missed one sand trap.

God.

Maybe we shoulda taken those lessons.

It's a little late now, honey.

Come on, kid. Cheer up.

Come on, Carole. Cheer up.

Aw, shit!

Hi.

How are ya?

Okay. You?

Good.

Good.

How's the grandmother?

She's comin' along. How's your aunt?

Heavy cramps.

Oh...

sorry.

So's she.

You come here often?

No, not too. You?

Yeah. Good golfing.

The best.

How's your game?

One-twelve.

Not bad. For seven holes?

Oh. Well, it takes practice.

Yeah, that's what they tell me.

Where you stayin'?

I'm at the Palms.

Well, I'm at the Racquet Club.

Right around the corner. How about that?

I love you.

What's that?

I said I love you.

Yeah?

Well, uh...

uh, I've been thinkin' about you.

Good or bad?

Well, I've been thinkin' that...

if we played it smart,

who's gonna find out?

I'll never tell.

We'd have to watch our step.

I do a great soft-shoe.

Can't be seen in public.

I hate crowds.

Have to avoid each other at parties.

We'll have our own party.

You think we oughta give it a try?

You know me, I'll try anything.

Might be just a fling.

Yeah. Might be.

Could burn itself out after a week.

Well, don't just stand there, you big ape.

Start the goddamn fire.

All right...

All right, I'll give you one autograph,

but I gotta get to the market...

Hiya!

Hi, Clark. How are ya, baby?

I'm fine, honey. How you been?

Mr. Gable.

Howdy.

( humming and singing )

( horn blares, tires screech )

( humming )

( starts motorcycle )

( honking horn )

( honking horn )

I told you I'd beat you, Gable!

LOMBARD: It's not fair!

You're gettin' lazy in your old age, ma!

No fair! I twisted my ankle.

Aw, did you twist your little ankle?

Well, let's make it better.

( laughing )

Did you call a cab, lady?

You feelin' better? Oh, yeah. Mmm.

We've got the whole night to stay together, baby.

Oh. Hold on.

Aren't you forgetting something?

You got that premiere to go to.

Oh, God.

( sighs )

Well, I'm not gonna go.

Carole-- No, baby,

I just wanna stay here and make you that meal.

I've got all this stuff to make a real Italian feast.

I know it, kid, I appreciate it,

only there's been a lot of talk going around about us lately,

( giggles ) and it'll keep--

it'll keep the studio happy if you're seen out with someone.

Take some of the heat off.

I'll run you back.

I'm really sorry you're gonna miss

the dinner I was gonna make you.

The delicious cannelloni with the cheese filling.

It's really a shame you're not gonna be here tonight.

You know, I don't mind dragging myself out of here

every morning at 4 a.m.,

stumbling in the back door of my house,

and prancing out the front

all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed

so the world can applaud my virtue.

I don't even mind playing love scenes with matinee idols

who bathe every other Tuesday.

I'm an actress, and that's what I'm well overpaid to do,

God knows.

I don't even mind being escorted to some premiere

by a studio stud to smile pretty for the camera.

I'd have a lot of nerve to complain about any of that.

But when you I can never, never go out together

just to a regular movie

and sit there in the dark with your arm around me

and munch on some popcorn--

that I mind.

Oh, I mind that very much.

You know, right now I'd trade all this movie star crap

for one moment when you and I could just go out

and not be scared to be ourselves, you know that?

When you finish that picture next week,

I thought we'd head up north, take in a little fishin'.

Pitch ourselves a tent in the woods,

just the two of us.

Okay, now get in the tub.

( splashing ) No, it's hot!

Sit down! Don't be such a chicken!

Yeah, well, I'd like to see you do it.

Okay, move over. I'm comin' in. Ha ha ha!

Yessir, nothin' like a good day of fishin'

to make a man feel like a man.

Clark, honey, when you get a chance,

could I have my thing, you know, to fish?

I'm sorry, honey. I didn't know you wanted to fish.

Well, I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Well, sure.

And don't feel bad if you don't catch anything.

This ain't the sort of thing that comes easy to a woman.

I got something here!

Look at this one! This is a beauty, baby!

What do you call that thing?

Could you hold that for a minute? I gotta...

Oh!

Hey, I don't have any more hooks over here.

You got some hooks on your thingamabob over there, darling?

Great. Just stick it on.

This is more fun than I've had in ages, baby.

This is livin', huh, kid? It sure is.

Boy, sometimes I could dump all this movie star crap

and just buy myself a little log cabin or farm somewhere

and spend all my time fishin' or baling hay.

Yeah, you're pretty good in the hay.

Aw, come on, kid, gimme a break.

I've been casting that rod all day!

Honey, you haven't even begun.

( honks horn )

Hey, Ben? What's up?

Mr. Gable, there's some reporters up at the station.

They know you're up here.

They kept askin' me who you were with.

Oh.

Well, hold on a minute, Ben. I better go up with ya.

All right.

You heard?

I'm sorry, ma.

I know how much you were looking forward to this,

but you're gonna have to go back to town tonight.

I'll go up to the ranger station

and have a couple of drinks with 'em.

You take the wagon, I'll meet you back in town tomorrow night.

I really am sorry.

I know that, sweetie.

I know.

Nice big smile, Mr. Gable?

Beautiful! Can I get you here on top of the stairs?

It's gonna be a biggie, Hedda.

Matter of fact, in this picture the South wins.

But now, this British girl,

how can she possibly be having a Southern accent?

Well, she's Southern British.

I can understand what she's sayin'.

Ha ha ha! Put that down!

That, I'm gonna use.

But when you get to the burning of Atlanta,

I've got to be on the set.

Hedda, just bring your own coal.

All right, come on, kids.

Can I get all of you as a group?

Just two together there, Mr. Gable.

Hedda, come on, smile.

Get in there, Clark.

A little closer.

Thank you.

Hedda, darling! Carole, my dear! How are you?

Who's the lucky man? Don Raglin, Hedda Hopper.

How do you do?

Clark, do you know Carole Lombard?

Did you say Carole Lombard?

I think we've met before, Miss Lombard.

Yes. I'm a great fan of yours, Mr. Gable.

We've seen so little of you lately, my dear.

What have you been doing with your evenings?

Oh, you haven't heard?

I've enrolled in a night school gardening course.

You must join us. I'm sure you'd enjoy groveling in all that good dirt.

Fantastic sense of humor in that Lombard.

Can we have a picture of you and Mr. Raglin, please?

COOP: Hedda, sit down with Clark and get yourself a good story.

Can you look this way, Miss Lombard? Together, please.

Will you clown one up for us, please, Miss Lombard?

Clown one up for 'em.

Could you get your arm around her, Mr. Raglin?

Of course.

COOP: I love this one of the tongue sticking out.

I'll take it wallet-size.

Hello, Don. Ivan.

Excuse me, Carole, I'll be back in a minute.

Thank you, Don.

Look, Carole, I'm sorry about this. But what could we do?

It's all right, Ivan.

Look. The big ape can't even tie his tie right.

How can you let him go out like that?

You're my favorite movie star.

Well, Hedda, how we doin'?

HEDDA: We are ready for the picture.

Ready? Fine. Get me in, please.

It's picture time.

Okay, fellas, go ahead. Have a feast. Have a good time.

Could you move in closer, Mr. Gable?

Could you put your arm around Miss Leigh?

Give me one of those Gable smiles.

Beautiful!

Sit closer to him, Viv.

That's it.

( both cough )

DIRECTOR: Cue.

Vic, you sure you need all this smoke?

Don't worry about it. It looks fine. Keep rolling.

Okay, Scarlett-- ( coughs )

It's the end of the road.

( both coughing )

Cut.

Let's do it again. Take me back upstairs.

Take it back to number one!

Vivien, honey, don't try to climb out of the wagon by yourself.

You get the wrong angle from the camera.

Clark'll help you down.

All right, we all set?

Watch your step, Vivien.

Somebody clean up after that horse!

Stand by, everybody! Quiet on the set!

Lights! Camera!

Action!

Clark! Where are you going?

Hey, fellas, deal me in.

I'm feelin' fitter than a fiddle, hotter than a pistol.

Pass that hand over here. Oh, what is this?

What do you call that, a royal straight flush?

What's the name of that there hand?

I've never seen anything quite like that before.

I need a few more cards in here.

Oh, hi, sonny.

You're lookin' mighty handsome in that white suit.

I'm sorry, boys, but we're gonna need this man onstage.

Why'd you tell 'em that? Come on, old-timer.

Wait! I can walk on my own two legs!

I still got spice in these here--

LOMBARD: Come on!

What do you think you're doing?!

You big ape!

Would you just let me down?! Come on!

Okay, the fun's over.

I just wanted to see some of the picture, that's all.

Wouldn't be you were interested in my love scene with that English dame?

You are crazy, Gable!

God, a lot of nerve!

I just wanted to see if you were doing any acting over there.

You know, baby,

I know it's been tough on ya,

the way we've had to live,

but it's been tough on me, too.

I've been pushin' the lawyers all I can.

You think I care? I got my freedom.

I can come and go as I please.

Do you think I want to be with you every minute?

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Okay, then you've got nothing to be jealous about.

Jealous?! Yeah!

Spyin' on me like that,

acting all stupid and immature.

What do you think you're doing, Mr. Butler?

I'm gonna show you you got nothing to worry about.

Yeah, spying and sneaking around!

When I get through with you,

you'll know you got nothin' to worry about!

Oh, I bet I will.

You presumptuous bastard!

I've got better things to do than spy on you! Ho ho ho!

I'm going back to Paramount.

I've got to finish my bathtub scene.

Bathtub scene?

I told you that.

You didn't tell me about it.

Oh, yes, I did. The other night.

You were reading a script or something.

Oh?

Yeah, yeah, I remember.

Well, we seem to be having some problems.

The cameraman says that you can see the top of my bathing suit

through the bubbles,

so I'm not gonna wear anything.

You're not? No.

But that's okay, you really can't see anything

through all those bubbles.

Are you sure?

Sure? Oh, sure I'm sure.

The only other person who'll know is the other actor when he jumps in.

The other actor's gonna be in the tub with you?

Well, yeah. But he's a gentleman.

He'll keep his hands off.

Oh, well, hell, I don't care.

It's business, anyway.

That's right, baby. It's business.

See you later, honey.

See you later.

MAN: Okay, let's fix up that bubble machine, let's get it started now.

( singing ) That's it, baby.

More! More! Excitement! I want excitement!

More! You know who's coming into this room--your lover!

That's it! Joy! Joy, darling, joy! Passion!

Okay, you up high.

You! Electrician!

You, with the magazine!

That's right, you.

Would you please put a net on that 5K?

Okay, now let's get Jack in here.

Put Jack in the bathtub with Carole,

and we'll have a big clinch,

and a big wonderful, warm kiss!

JACK: Diana.

Steven. Darling, I'm sorry about--

Okay, okay, we know the words, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Go over and kiss. I wanna see the kiss. The kiss. Yeah.

Oh, whooee! Where'd you learn to kiss like that?

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, baby, I haven't been kissed like that in months!

Oh, we gotta do this again.

This is the most fun I've had in years.

Oh, if the men I knew could kiss like that!

Oh!

Oh, I love it, I love it, I love it!

DIRECTOR: We'll have another rehearsal--

We gotta keep rehearsing! We will. Jack, I wanna see you.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Off with the robe. Get into the tub with Carole.

GABLE: Fire!

Fire!!! Where?

Go on, everybody, off the stage!

Carole, get outta there! Come on! Come on! Fire!

( crew screaming, running away )

Okay, put this on! You're going home right now!

You weren't jealous, were you, my love?

It's so stupid to be jealous and insecure.

( laughs )

You big dope!

I love you.

LOMBARD: You know something, Gable?

When I looked up and saw you on that scaffold,

it was the most beautiful thing I ever seen.

It told me something.

Maybe you are a little stuck on me, huh?

Yeah, it was dumb of me. I shouldn't have done it.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. You tough guy.

Gable...

I want to make a baby with you.

Right now.

Honey, you're crazy.

I want him to have your ears.

You're nuts.

No.

I just love you.

( knock at door )

( knocking )

Who in the hell is that?

( knocking )

Go get it, baby.

( sighs )

( knocking )

L.b. MAYER: Clark, my boy. How are you?

GABLE: Okay, L.B.

You don't mind if I come in, do you?

No, come in.

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

No. I was just taking some sun.

This is very lovely.

I especially admire the plants.

I didn't know you liked horticulture.

Him? He likes any kind of whore.

So, tell me, you two-- how long did you plan on keeping this a secret?

Secret? I just picked this bum up on skid row.

I thought I'd bring him home for a hot meal.

You'll excuse me if I don't laugh. It's not a laughing matter.

If I do anything I'm gonna cry,

because if I found out, how long until Hedda and Louella

and then the whole country?

Clark and I are very happy here. We're not hurting anyone.

If the whole universe finds out, we're still not hurting anyone.

You're perfectly right, darling, you're hurting nobody.

But people do not pay money to see immoralists.

It's immoral to be in love? Carole--

Well, it makes me so damn mad, all this phony bullshit!

Well, if you got the divorce--

We're trying. You try moving her.

That's funny. I hear she can be moved.

They say Ria's been perfectly willing to grant a divorce

for the right price.

But certain parties won't pay it.

Where'd you hear that one, under the dryer?

No, I got that on pretty good authority. Her attorney.

Now, look, you two, you take my advice.

You go home, to your own homes, and you don't see each other

until you get the divorce.

Unless you're tired of this business.

I'll see myself out, Clark.

Very nice plants, my boy.

( door closes )

What do you want for dinner? Chicken or hamburger?

Carole, I gotta explain.

You want chicken or hamburger?

I know what you're thinkin'.

I'm thinkin' I'd rather have hamburger.

Come on, I'm trying to talk to you.

Why? There's really nothing to talk about.

Look, I was wrong. I shoulda told you.

Really? You think it would make any difference?

Come on, baby, cut the phony cover-up.

I know you by now.

I forgot. It's Dr. Freud.

Forgive me if I show my naivet.

You see, I was living under the delusion

that underneath this self-righteous stud was an honest man.

God, I'm a fool.

I think he's happy with me? It's a joke.

What is it, baby,

the money, the convenience, the steady lay?

I hope it's not the Sunday morning biscuits,

'cause if it is, then all this time

you coulda been screwing Betty Crocker!

You're upset. Now, relax, will ya?

God, nothing shakes you!

You really are made of stone! 'Cause I'm trying to be rational?

'Cause you're being so piss-collected cool!

Can't you once leave your goddamn image at the studio?!

( crying )

Carole, listen to me.

Let me explain.

Mayer's right--

for a price, Ria'd give me a divorce.

All I gotta do is give her the moon.

If I gave her everything I've saved,

and most all my future income, I'd be a free man.

I suppose if I really wanted a divorce, I'd do it.

Only I guess down deep

I don't really want one.

It's not you, baby.

You're everything a guy could hope for.

It's just that I've tried it twice before.

I was married once before Ria.

It didn't work out.

I've never been able to make it work out with anyone.

I guess I just don't got what it takes to make a woman happy.

That's not true, baby.

You made me happy.

But I'm scared, Carole.

I just don't have the guts to try it again,

hurt somebody else.

You dummy.

What do you take me for, Some kind of a cupcake?

I'm not gonna let you hurt me.

I flattened you once, I can do it again.

Don't you see? I don't care about divorces and settlements.

The hell with Ria.

I wouldn't let you pay her price.

Don't you see?

If you feel for me what I feel for you,

then who cares about whether it's recorded downtown?

Let them keep their piece of paper--

what we got's a hell of a lot more binding.

Only--

only from now on,

let's be honest with each other,

'cause I can take anything, you know?

As long as you love me.

And you do love me, don't you, baby?

You know I do.

You know, it's funny--

all this time we've been together,

I never heard you say it.

Well, you know how I feel, baby.

I know. It'd be awful nice to hear you say it.

Come on, kid.

Could you just say it?

Would you cut it out? Just say, "I love you."

I don't need to!

Would you just say it, damnit?!

No! I can't, okay? I'm just not the kind of guy that can say those things.

Some guys can say 'em, I can't. So what?!

You're not frightened of marriage.

That's a crock of shit. You're frightened of yourself

and your feelings for a woman

'cause you think it makes you less of a man.

You and your phony image of what a man is supposed to be--

"Just screw 'em and leave 'em."

Well, I got news for you, honey.

They can plant all the hair in Hollywood on your chest,

but it still doesn't make you a man,

it makes you just what you are right now--

nothin'.

Nothin'.

Where do you think you're goin'?

I'm gonna take the next train to Indiana to see my mother.

What do you want? Okay, you got it.

Yeah? Got what? What you want.

Yeah? What the hell is that?

How many times I gotta say it?

I love ya.

What was that?

I love ya. Okay?!

You could say it with a little more feeling.

What, are you a director now, too?

If you're gonna say it, say it like you mean it.

Okay.

I love you!!!

Come on, open the door.

Come on in, it's open.

What are you waitin' for, you big ape?

Get your pants off.

And keep 'em off till we get to Indiana.

I love you, ma.

I really love you.

And I always will.

MAN: This price is as close as we can come

to meeting your demands, Mrs. Gable.

It isn't what you were asking,

but I don't think you can fault his generosity.

RIA: No, I certainly can't.

But the answer is...no.

GABLE: Okay, forget it.

Just give her what she wants. Everything.

To the penny. The whole thing.

I'll draw up the papers. No.

I've changed my mind.

I'd prefer to remain

Mrs. Clark Gable.

Particularly now.

When did this come out?

Three hours ago.

You've defiled me in public, Clark.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to pay for it.

Ria, I respected you.

I appreciated what you did for me.

The last thing I'd ever do is hurt you.

But I'm sorry.

I didn't know what the word "love" meant before this.

But now I do...

for the first time.

And I'm askin' you to understand.

( Lombard singing )

Oh, baby! Oh!

Did everything go all right? Sure, kid, just great.

Oh, darling.

Close your eyes. I got a surprise.

Come on, go inside. I got something to show you.

Get walkin'.

( chuckles )

Can you make it?

Oh, you're such a--

( both laugh )

Oh. Ah. Bad move.

Okay, go. Can you find your way?

Can you? Think you can make it?

All right, okay, you can let me down,

but if you open your eyes, I'm gonna...

Oh, you!

I hope you didn't see anything.

All right. ( blows noise maker )

I thought we'd have a little celebration

'cause we finally got rid of Ria.

Here you go. I got you a little present.

Come on, open it up!

It's for you, big boy.

What the hell?

What kind of gizmo is this?

Here, read the card.

"To The King.

"That part of you more precious than gold

this will protect from catching cold."

Don't you get it?

What's the matter with you, Gable?

Is something wrong?

What is it, baby?

Oh, God.

At least we got out of there in time.

Only how long till they find this place?

I wasn't gonna tell ya till later.

I didn't want to spoil your party.

Ria took one look at that, and no deal. At any price.

Unless we budge her, I don't know what we're gonna do.

I guess I don't have to tell you that all hell's broken loose.

The studio's got me meeting with a group of ladies tomorrow

to deny that article.

They want you there, too.

What are we gonna do, ma?

You know, I, uh...

I heard a good one today.

A guy's walking down the street and he bumps into his doctor.

He says, "Doc, me and the wife, we got problems.

"We never seem to get the urge at the same time.

When I want to, she don't, and when she wants to, I don't."

The doc says, "Harry, don't you worry about a thing.

"Next time you get the urge,

"you just stop whatever you're doing,

"take her in your arms, and do it.

Don't give her a chance to say no. She'll love it."

So a few days later he bumps into the doctor again,

he says, "Doc, I took your advice and it worked.

"There we were having dinner last night

"and suddenly I got the urge and I took her in my arms,

"I ripped off her clothes, and I went at her

right there on the table. She loved it."

He says, "Wonderful, Harry, I told ya."

He says, "Yeah, Doc, I really appreciate it.

"Only one things bothers me--

We'll never be going back to the Brown Derby!"

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah.

Ha ha ha.

Hmm. I thought it was kinda cute.

( sighs )

You know something, Gable?

You really are an ungrateful son-of-a-bitch. Get off your ass.

Someone gives you a present and you don't even have the courtesy to try it on.

Cut it out, will ya? Cut it out?

Cut it out?

Honey, you don't know what I went through to get this thing.

You think it was easy

trying to describe to Mrs. Peabody

what I wanted down at the knit shop?

Mmm. Mmm.

I had to tell her it was for keeping cucumbers fresh in the summer.

( unzips pants ) Oh.

It's a good thing she's not a vegetarian.

What are you doin'?

I gotta find out if it fits, ya know?

I think it might be a little bit too big.

Might have to shrink it in the wash

or take it in a little,

or maybe you'll grow into it.

Eh, baby? Hmm?

Hmm...

Ha ha ha ha!

Cucumber's lookin' pretty fresh to me. Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, baby.

You see? I knew I'd get you to laugh.

Don't you see, baby? Now it's all we've got.

It's our way of fighting back.

If we give in,

if we feel sorry for ourselves,

we don't have a chance.

If we could just hang on to our sense of humor,

then no matter how shitty things get, it doesn't matter,

they'll never be as bad as we think.

'Cause there's a little hope

if you can just be willing to stand up and fight.

And we're gonna fight like hell.

Goddamnit, baby,

nobody's ever gonna beat us.

Good morning, ladies,

and a very warm welcome to you all.

We're gathered here this morning in the spirit of wholesomeness

and patriotism,

our trademarks here at MGM.

Are you sure I don't have too much lipstick on?

No.

Do I look all right?

Yeah, yeah. Betsy Ross'd be proud.

MAN: Miss Lombard!

Mr. Mayer would like you to have this. Your speech for the meeting.

It's right in there. Okay.

COOP: So, ladies, it is with the utmost pride and respect

that I introduce to you

a man of unquestionable dignity,

unwavering morality,

a God-fearing man whose character

has been a source of inspiration to all of us

here at Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

Ladies, I present to you Mr. Clark Gable.

( one person applauds )

GABLE: Ladies, I stand before you today with enormous disappointment

in the honesty of the press,

shocked by accusations

that have been made against Miss Carole Lombard and myself.

From the two occasions I've had the opportunity to meet Miss Lombard,

the, uh, American Legion Picnic

and the Pasadena Flag Day Festival,

I can tell you beyond question

that she is a lady of unequaled virtue and great moral fiber.

Come on, Dixie, get in the car. Let's get out of here.

What took you so long?

Now, when you meet Miss Lombard, I'm sure you'll agree

that she can serve as a shining beacon in all our lives,

to light our lives with purity and dignity--

LOMBARD: Well, there's my horny little hunk of horsemeat!

Where you been Angel Ass, you're late for your ten o'clock screw.

Mama can't wait all day, she's got customers.

Oh, hiya, dolls, how ya doin'?

You must be the new shipment

they sent over to keep Gable happy.

Whaddya get? Ten bucks a trick?

That'd be highway robbery.

Christ, none of these dames look like they've been at it

since the dawn of civilization!

Well, you just keep that log rollin', honey,

because the oven's hot and the rooster's ready to crow!

Stuff here, he calls me Rooster, 'cause of my motto--

"Cock-a-doodle-do! Cock-a-doodle-do Any cock'll do!"

Shame on you!

COOP: Please! Please, ladies!

Ladies! Ladies! Ladies, please be seated!

It's only a little joke!

She's only trying-- she's a big practical joker.

I'd like you to meet Mr. Gable's old Sunday School teacher...

Carole, what's the matter?

Carole?

Please be seated, everybody!

Okay, now I'm gonna tell you what I think of you.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.

Nobody has a right to tell us how to live.

And I'd do it again if I had the chance.

You would, would ya? Yeah, I would!

Well, I'm gonna teach you a lesson. Dixie, get out.

Shall I call the police? I can take care of myself.

If you come near me, you big ape,

I'm gonna knock your block off!

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

And don't try any of your fancy business.

Let go of me, you big bully!

As soon as I tell you what I think of you.

I don't care what you think of me!

Listen, you dizzy dame! I'm proud of you!

What'd you say?

I said I'm proud of you.

You are? Well, sure.

I'd have done it myself, but I couldn't find a red dress to fit.

Oh, my baby.

Now I'm gonna teach you a lesson...

you skinny, dizzy, dishwater blond.

I just want you to know that

whatever dumb thing you ever do...

I'm always gonna be right there...

with you.

Are they in there? Yes.

What happened?

Clark, coming in.

GABLE: Oh, get lost.

We've got trouble.

Don't tell me the ladies are still upset.

The ladies-- that was easy.

Kids...

we've got real trouble.

Well, our lawyer says she won't settle.

She's not looking for a payoff.

She wants the baby

and she wants you declared the father.

We knew the nuts would come out of the woodwork

when that magazine article was printed.

We'll just have to get the best lawyers,

try to discredit her in court,

and hope we can beat it.

Wait a minute.

I'll just make a statement.

I'll tell the truth, that he's been with me every night.

And that'll be the end of it.

Who do I call? The DA?

MAYER: That's very funny, my dear.

You're gonna call and tell everybody

that everything that we have been trying

to cover up all these months is really the truth?

Broderick, are you pushing this girl too hard?

BRODERICK: Carole, he's right.

That's suicide.

He'll have the best lawyers. We'll get Geisler.

Ivan, make a call now. Get Geisler on the phone.

Ivan, please sit down.

Who do I listen to, L.B.?

You listen to me, Ivan. Now sit down for a while.

All right, now, What, darling?

They'll say he had the best lawyers that Metro could buy,

that's how he got off.

I don't care how innocent you prove him,

something like this, he's still guilty,

nobody's gonna believe he didn't do it.

'Cause the don't want to.

They'll say we bought the verdict.

I can't have that, Mr. Mayer.

Careers, business, money--

is that all you guys think about?

For chrissake, you gotta have some principles.

I did what I did today because I had to.

Maybe I was wrong,

but at least I did what I had to do.

Well, I'm not wrong about this.

And I'm not gonna sit back and let 'em chop my man up

when all I have to do is tell the truth.

If they don't want my pictures because of what I am...

screw 'em.

I've got a costume fitting at eleven.

I don't want to be late.

I've said all I had to say.

BRODERICK: Wardrobe fittings-- why waste time?

The picture's supposed to start in two weeks.

What's the point now? Who's gonna play it?

Look, we knew we were taking a chance when we started.

I got a few bucks saved up.

I've always wanted to get a farm.

That's very nice, my boy.

I think everyone should do what they always wanted to do.

So you do what you want to do, my son.

You do what'll make you happy.

I believe that you alone can be happy on that farm,

because I know you were never that crazy about being an actor.

But what about Carole?

Can she?

You heard her.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Perhaps she is different from every other actress in town.

Perhaps she is a saint.

Perhaps she does have that supernatural power

to remain untouched by life.

What's that supposed to mean?

Maybe it's just that I've seen too many actresses react the same way--

robbed of all that life has come to mean, and then go to ruin.

The list is endless--

Eagels, Normand...

drugs, booze...

institutions, suicide.

One day a legend, the next a poor soul on the street.

And you think Carole's like that?

Of course, you ask her now,

she'll say, "To hell with the career."

She's got you.

So, you promise me one thing.

You promise me that you'll never let her out of your sight.

Especially those days when she might get a little restless...

and she knows she could never come back.

You just promise me that you'll never let her be alone.

Pa!

Darling!

Pa?

Clark!

Oh, I'm so glad you're here. I don't know what got into me.

I couldn't stay in the house by myself.

I had to go get some groceries.

I guess I just missed you a lot, baby.

You know, I saw the way you looked at me today in Mayer's office.

I really felt very, very loved.

I just couldn't wait for you to come home.

I love you, bad baby. What the hell you doin'?

Come on, hold it! That's what I'm tryin' to do.

What's the matter, you got a headache? I'm just kidding.

Look...

tomorrow morning I'm gonna go down to the DA.

And everything is gonna be okay, I promise you.

Now I'm gonna go make you your favorite dinner,

and you're gonna feel wonderful

and happy and sassy.

Oh, I got you something great tonight, honey.

So, you're gonna talk to the DA?

Yeah.

The only problem is, if you you do that...

...you're gonna be making a mistake.

What are you talking about?

It's the truth.

What is?

About the kid.

( laughs )

Would you cut it out, Gable?

Save it for the Academy, honey.

( laughing )

But it's my kid.

Look, it's a nice try, Gable. The gag ain't gonna work.

It's not a gag.

I just don't want to see you embarrass yourself in front of the DA.

You're the one who ought to be embarrassed.

If you're gonna go around banging some flea-brained slut,

you should at least have the courtesy

to spare the world descendents.

Maybe. But it's my mistake and I gotta pay for it.

Oh, come on. You sound like you're serious.

I am.

She claims you spend the night with her.

We've been together every single night.

You're forgetting about that week I went on location.

I left here on Monday and we didn't start shooting till Wednesday.

Would you cut it out? I don't believe this.

You're just trying to get back at me for what I did this morning.

Well, it's worked, all right? Now just stop it.

I don't think it's funny anymore.

I'm sorry, baby.

Gable, I don't believe this.

It's been good with us. Hasn't it?

Yeah, it was for a while.

But, uh...well, to tell you the truth,

it just got a little dull.

I, uh, needed a change.

I guess this kind of thing happens when two people

have been together for a while.

Look, honey, I wouldn't hurt you for the world.

And I...

I didn't want to tell you this,

but...

I--I couldn't think of any other way to stop you.

You left me no choice.

It's true, huh? It's really true?

Yes.

You swear?

I'm tellin' you the truth. Just swear.

I swear it's the truth.

Get out.

( coin jingles )

A. D. Broderick.

Clark Gable.

Broderick?

Yeah, you can go ahead with your picture.

Carole isn't gonna give you any more trouble.

( hangs up )

( tearfully ) Look at him, sitting over there.

Thinks he can can do anything he wants, big movie star.

I swore on the Bible this morning, and that means something to me.

And I swear to you, he's the father of my child. Holy Mary, mother of God...

( all talking )

Clark, they'd believe you in a minute--one minute--

if you could prove to 'em where you been spending your nights.

You, uh...

you heard anything from Carole at all?

Yeah, she's on location in Arizona.

Hear the picture's going very well.

Listen, Clark, I know this is lousy timing,

but I think I better tell you

before you read about it tomorrow.

The legal department is using the morals clause

to get out of your contract.

We've been instructed to stop all publicity on you.

Yeah, I figured.

People forget fast, Clark.

I'll bet you won't be out of it more than a couple of years.

Then you can come back into it.

Maybe a good supporting role.

Oh, hell, at least you and Carole will be together again.

It wouldn't work, Coop.

Wouldn't be the same.

What's different?

I'd be telling her I only did it to save her career,

so she can be grateful to me for the rest of our lives.

Why, she'd be guilty, sorry makin' 3 Gs a week.

I'd be a hero-- makin' a buck an hour.

No, maybe I'll go back home to Ohio,

find me a little farm.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

you see sitting before you

a man accused unjustly

of an act he did not commit.

The plaintiff has charged

that the defendant, Mr. Gable,

took advantage of her generosity.

As this trial has shown,

the plaintiff, Miss Watson,

is indeed a very generous woman.

In fact, she has endeavored to prove that generosity

on numerous occasions.

In this trial there has been no evidence--

Excuse me, Mr. Kramer.

Gentlemen.

( whispering )

( whispering )

Will you call the witness, please?

BAILIFF: The court calls the next witness.

Carole Lombard is here to testify.

What?

( spectators murmur )

( judge strikes gavel )

Place your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand, please.

Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Yes, sir, I do.

State your name.

Carole Lombard.

Be seated.

Your Honor, may I have a moment to confer with the witness?

Yes, go ahead.

( whispering )

We're ready, Your Honor.

Miss Lombard, how long have you known the defendant?

Several years, sir.

I see. Now, Miss Lombard,

what is the nature of your relationship with the defendant?

Well, sir, uh...

the defendant and I, uh,

we've--

Miss Lombard, just take your time.

Don't be nervous, remain calm,

and just try to answer the question

in any manner in which you feel most comfortable.

Oh, thank you, Your Honor.

Well, uh...

...me and that big ape over there

have been hitting the sack every night,

and I got a sore back to prove it.

( laughter, judge strikes gavel )

Miss Lombard, are you saying

that you and the defendant-- a married man--

have been actively...

engaging in illicit activity?

Yep. And loving every minute of it.

( laughter, gavel strikes )

Now, Miss Lombard,

do you believe that the defendant

has been faithful to you in the time you've been together?

Yes, sir, I do.

Isn't it possible that he could have been seeing other women

without your knowledge?

It's highly unlikely. And why is that?

Because we've been together every night.

( loud murmuring ) Every night?

Every night.

Except for the Monday he left on the 8:45 Superchief

and arrived at a location the same night,

ready to begin shooting early Tuesday morning--

not Wednesday morning.

So you're saying that you and the defendant

have been together every night since he's been in town?

In the same bed.

If there was someone else in there with us, sweetie, I'd have known.

( laughter )

Now, Miss Lombard,

isn't it possible that the defendant

could have gotten up in the middle of the night,

gotten dressed, met somebody,

and then come back?

Well, it--it's, uh... it's highly unlikely.

Why is that?

Uh, can I show you the way we sleep?

Please.

Well, uh, I'm on this side and he's on this side,

and he's got his butt right up there against mine,

and it's, uh, it's, uh, it's warm and it's round.

It's soft, maybe a little bit too soft,

but it's there-- all night.

If he moves it, believe me, I know.

( laughter )

JUDGE: Mr. Kramer,

I think if you'd make a motion for dismissal,

this court might be favorably disposed.

We so move, Your Honor. Motion granted.

This case is dismissed.

REPORTER: What's gonna happen to their careers?

I'll be very frank with you-- I don't know.

Come on, honey, the car's right out here.

Happy Valentine's Day, Clark.

Where'd you get it?

I bought it. For you.

Thanks, baby.

And thanks for getting me off, ma.

Only you know you knocked out two careers with one punch.

I always packed a pretty good punch.

You must have thought I was some dummy,

feeding me that line and me falling for it.

Oh, I don't know. Oh, come on.

There I was out in the middle of the desert,

and I was trying to think things out.

Suddenly it hits me. This guy has hardly got enough for me--

how's he gonna be knockin' off all these dames on the side?

Wait just a minute! Come on, Gable.

You're good once or twice at a time.

What about Thanksgiving? 4th of July? Halloween?!

Okay, so you're hot on holidays.

Anyway, it didn't take Einstein to figure out why you did it.

Oh, you dummy! Don't you know me by now?

I'm not gonna stay out of a fight.

If they're gonna kick you out,

they're gonna have to kick me out right along with you.

How do you feel about milking cows

the rest of your life?

We'll get some chickens, a tractor, a few acres--

why, we'll be living so high off the hog

the hens'll be laying fried eggs.

If they're your hens, they'll lay anything.

( ignition stutters )

What kind of a car is this? Oh, there we go.

This is going right next to our bed

so every morning when I wake up I'll see it.

I'll remember how I felt that day...

how I'm gonna feel every day for the rest of our lives.

Well, I just hope you don't miss all the excitement, ma.

Excitement? Come on.

You know. I just hope you don't get bored after a couple of years.

We'll be too busy raising cows and chickens and...

if Ria doesn't give in, a couple of little bastards.

I hope so, ma.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I will miss the excitement...

when we're eighty-three and can't move, except to itch.

I guess it'll be too late then.

We'll just have to get ourselves

a couple of great rockers and sit out on our porch...

two weary old farmers.

And maybe the most exciting thing of all

will just be to turn to each other...

when everyone else has forgotten us...

see nothing but the same two dopes we see today.

Let's get over to Paramount and pack your things.

Okay.

You know, there's one good thing.

There was a premiere tonight the studio wanted me to go to.

I'll never have to another one of those dumb things.

What's the picture? Any good?

I don't know. Everyone in town's gonna be there.

Oh, yeah? Everyone, huh? Mm-hmm.

You know, you're always yakking about me not taking you anywhere.

How would you feel about taking in a movie tonight?

Well, after today,

they're likely to throw tomatoes at us.

Well, you know me, kid--

I always did have an eye for a ripe tomato.

Yes, everyone in Hollywood is here tonight.

This certainly has been a star-studded premiere,

hasn't it, Hedda? It really has, Tommy.

We've seen Gary Cooper, Robert Taylor,

Jeanette MacDonald-- they're all here.

And I see another car pulling up now-- let's see who gets out.

( crowd goes silent )

( applause builds )

( cheers )

TOMMY: It's Carole Lombard and Clark Gable.

We'll try to bring them up here to our radio microphone.

Clark, can we get you over here for a second with Carole

to our radio audience?

Good evening, Carole, how are you?

Clark, how are you?

COOP: Kids, we're back in business again.

Hedda, thank you for that wonderful story.

Tommy, do you mind if I read it?

"Two great stars, very much in love,

"had the courage to go before the public with the truth.

And for this, they deserve our undying respect."

Bless you.

Here, listen to this.

Walter Winchell, four-star extra--

"The heroes are the lovers.

The villain is the wife who keeps them apart."

Louella, the same thing. "Today in the courtroom love triumphed."

The phone calls are coming in, the telegrams haven't stopped.

And here's the best news of all.

Hot off the AP wire--

"Ria Gable gives in, grants Clark Gable divorce."

Come on, kids, let's go in and see a movie.

Congratulations!

( applause )

NEWSREEL: It was a busy week on the eastern seaboard

as a bevy of beauties from each of our forty-eight states

converged on Atlantic City

for the annual Miss America pageant...

Who do you think you are-- Clark Gable?

...swimsuit competition.

As the week drew to a close,

the lucky winner was a very emotional Miss from Alabama.

In Europe, as Hitler continues his hypnotic hold

on the German people,

the question "Is war inevitable?"

waits for an answer...

Zieg heil! Zieg heil! Zieg heil...

Americans, too,

may soon be asking the same question--

war or peace?

Only time can tell.

Honey, did you hear on the radio?

It's awful-- we surrendered Corregidor.

MacArthur's left the Philippines.

Don't worry about it, honey.

We may take a long time to get rollin',

but we'll get 'em. I hope so.

What's in the mail?

Well, there's a check from your studio,

a check from my studio.

Uh-huh. Anything else?

That letter you've been waiting for.

What are you talking about?

I know all about it.

The U.S. Army can't win without you.

You got me all figured out, don't you?

From that first drop of phony blood.

I'm gonna be an aerial gunner.

Guy in Washington told me they were short of recruits,

that if I joined up it'd help their volunteer program.

Finally found me a good way

to make all this movie star crap pay off.

Don't worry, ma, I'll be all right.

I know that.

I'm joining up myself.

Yeah. I got a call from Roz this morning.

She's forming a committee to sell war bonds all over the country.

You know me--never could stay out of a good fight.

Why, you'll put Eisenhower right out of business.

You'll take care of yourself, won't you, Mr. Gable?

You know damn well I will, Mrs. Gable.

Look what I got to come back to-- you, this place...

Whatever happens, ma,

we got a lot of years to be thankful for.

Nothing's gonna take that away.

( car approaches, stops )

Clark.

Hiya, kid.

Got here as soon as I could.

I understand they spotted some survivors near the wreckage.

Any word yet?

Be any time now.

It's funny, Coop--

from the day I enlisted...

she was afraid something was gonna happen to me.

I hear she sold two million bucks' worth

of war bonds in Indianapolis yesterday.

The kid set a record.

You never could keep her down, could you?

( voice breaking ) I told her to--

to take the train.

She has an appointment tomorrow in L.A.

with another specialist.

She wants that kid so badly.

I told her it didn't matter.

Hell, I got enough trouble takin' care of her.

Mr. Gable.

I'm sorry about your wife... but there are no survivors.

How about the people they spotted near the wreckage?

An advance rescue party.

We just received confirmation.

I want to go up.

It's gonna be pretty tough

to make an identification.

I don't care.

Don't go up there, kid.

That's not how she wants to be remembered.

( car starts )

Hey, uh...

I, uh...

heard a-- I heard a...

a good one today.

A guy tells his doc...

"Doc, me and the wife don't seem to be able to...

get the urge at the same time."

The doc says to him...

"Next time you get the urge, well...

"just...just grab her right there and do it.

It'll work."

So a few days later he sees the doc

and says, "Hey, Doc, thanks for the advice.

"Me and the wife were havin' dinner,

"and, uh...

"well, I got the urge and...

"I put down my fork and I grabbed her right up and...

"well, I did it to her right there on the table.

Well, she loved it."

The doc said, "Wonderful! What'd I tell ya?"

He says, "Yeah, but one thing bothers me."

He says, "We won't be going back to the Brown Derby again."

My wife told me that one.